Scrooged (1988) Script

I canceled the last one.

That's right. Now move, move, move, move.

It's my very special recipe.

We're not gonna make it if we don't hurry.

You realize how late we...

I told you, you're gonna break those toys.

Just stop.

Oh, wow! Wait! Santa Claus, come quick. Look.


Take cover!

Let's get them!

Come on over here!

Hurry up! Hurry!

It's Lee Majors!

The Six Million Dollar Man.

Santa, is there a back way out of this place?

Of course there is, Lee.

But this is one Santa that's going out the front door.

Look, it don't matter a hill of beans what happens to me.

The world couldn't afford it if anything happened to you.

Now you stay put.

That's very nice of you, Lee.

And, Lee, you've been a real good boy this year.

Yes, you sure have. Yeah!

7:00. Psychos seize Santa's workshop.

Eat this.

And only Lee Majors can stop them.

The Night the Reindeer Died.

8:30, and America's best-loved singer invites you to share a home-style holiday when it's Bob Goulet's Old Fashioned Cajun Christmas.

9:00, IBC presents America's favorite family in a special Christmas episode.

Hi, Mom. Where's Dad? He should have been home by now.

Well, Wally, if I know your father, he's out chasing Beaver.

Father Loves Beaver.

Here on IBC. You'll love it.

Show me the Scrooge promo.

It was a cold, bleak Christmas...

10:00, IBC presents live, via satellite from New York, Bethlehem, Helsinki, West Berlin, and the Great Barrier Reef, Charles Dickens' immortal Christmas classic, Scrooge.

Starring Buddy Hackett, Jamie Farr, the Solid Gold Dancers, and Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim.

Hosted by Sir John Houseman.

Bah, humbug.

Scrooge. It will touch your every heartstring.

That's right. It all starts on Christmas Eve.

Christmas Eve on IBC.

You'll love it.

Oh, my gosh, does that suck.

You know who loves Mary Lou Retton, Frank?

My kids.

Yeah. Children love an acrobat.

Oh, God.

We have spent $40 million on a live TV show.

You guys have got an ad with America's favorite old fart reading a book in front of a fireplace!

Now I have to kill all of you.

Mother, help me.

Excuse me, sir.

I don't wanna be out of line here, but...

Well, we've been running that spot now for over a month and, well, it's getting a hell of a response.

I am the youngest president in the history of television, for a reason.

I know the people.

Well, granted, but the people already wanna watch the show.

That isn't good enough!

They have gotta be so scared to miss it!

So terrified!

Now, if I were in charge, and I am...

Perhaps I can help you.

Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.

Acid rain.

Drug addiction.

International terrorism.

Freeway killers.

Now, more than ever, it is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.

Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic, Scrooge.

Your life might just depend on it.

Not bad, eh?

I think they'll like it in the heartlands.

I want it every hour, on the hour.

I'll take care of it, Frank.

Get me Standards and Practices in here. I want to see Reece.

Excuse me, sir.


Mr. Cross, what exactly does that ad have to do with Scrooge?

Nothing. Why?

Well, you can't show that commercial.

If you run that, you're gonna...

You're gonna frighten people.

You think I'm way off base here?

Yes. Well, you're a tad off base, sir.

That thing looked like The Manson Family Christmas Special.

Well, it's a little late to get this kind of feedback.

That's because this is the first time I've ever seen it, sir.

You're right. I sprung it on you.

Well, it's not that bad, it's...

Just lose, like, you know, the part with the gun and the blood...

All right, all right. ...and the guy shooting up, and the...

If I can change it, I'll let you know in five minutes.

Well, thank you, sir.

Thank you.

You know, in a lot of ways, I think we're a little bit alike.

Sir, merry Christmas.

Thanks for the talk. Thank you.

We don't wanna scare the dickens out of people.

Merry Christmas, Miss Cooley.

The dickens out of people!

Nobody gets me.

Grace, who is that guy?

Eliot Loudermilk. OK.

Call Security. Have them change his locks, clean out his desk and toss him out of the building.

He's fired?

But it's Christmas!

Thank you.

Call Accounting. Stop his bonus.

A clear shot at his back. Eliot Loudermilk.

Code 9.

Grace, what in the hell is this?

Well, that's a painting one of my kids did.

There's Santa Claus, and there's Mrs. Claus.

Honey, how many fingers does Mrs. Santa Claus have here?

Eleven. Eleven. Right.

It's crap. Lose it. I don't want it on the walls.

She'll understand.

She's an amazingly understanding woman.

I'll just come home and I'll say, "Hi, honey. We have to move to a studio apartment.

I hope you don't mind."

Mr. Cross, it's time for your Christmas list.

OK, read me the list. I wanna get this over with.

Sammy Goldberg.

Bath towel.

Lou Parker.

Send him a VHS home video recorder.

Colonel Tom Parker.

The bath towel.

Tamara Forristal. VHS.

You know, there's a lot of virtues in taking a bus to work, you know.

Hi, fellas. Thanks a lot and merry Christmas.

Bobby Lou Caluda. The bath towel.

Eliot Loudermilk's leaving early today.

Move. Get out of here.


Four minutes and 40 seconds.

Glenn Glenn Whitacre?

What was the last rating on Police Zoo?

5.2 Nielsen, 7 in share and a TVQ of 3.


Your brother?

Towel. Your only brother.

Oh, God, Grace. Give it to me.

Get that.

Towel, towel.

Mr. Cross' office. Towel. VHS.

Thank you. Most of these are towels.

Be wrong once, OK?

Mr. Rhinelander's on his way down.


Pardon me.

Excuse me.


Put yourself down for a towel, too.

What about my bonus?

Towel and a face cloth.


Frank. Hey, Pres.

What a surprise. Grace.

You look great. You've been working out.

Why didn't you tell me, Grace?

Preston, just looking at some of this ink we're getting on Scrooge.

Mary Lou Retton as Tiny Tim.

Can you believe the first director didn't want her?

No. Well, he does now.

He go bye-bye.

Hey, did you catch her buy on Tiny Tim?

She doesn't just throw away the crutches and walk.

She throws away the crutches, vaults over a lamppost, double somersault, back into one of these things.

Frank. Killer.

Yes, Preston?

Have you any idea how many cats there are in this country?


I don't have those... No.

Twenty-seven million. Do you know how many dogs?

In America? Forty-eight million.

Wow. We spend $4 billion on pet food alone.


Now, I have here a study from Hampstead University which shows us that cats and dogs are beginning to watch television.

Now, if these scientists are right, we should start programming right now.

Within 20 years, they could become steady viewers.

Programming for cats?

Walk with me, Frank.

Call the police.

Now, I'm not saying, build a whole show around animals.

Oh, no. All I'm suggesting is that we occasionally throw in a little pet appeal.

Some birds, a squirrel.

Mice. Mice. Exactly.

Remember Kojak and the lollipops?

What about a cop that dangles string? That's his gimmick.

Lots of quick, random action.

Frank, wasn't there a dormouse in Scrooge?

No. But now that you say it, I always felt that it needed a dormouse.

Dormice. Better. Bingo.

Frank, this show is the jewel in the IBC crown.

Everything is riding on it.

Don't worry, Preston. I'm overseeing every aspect of production.

We'll own Christmas.

That's what I wanted to hear.

Lunch tomorrow? Chez Jay? Right.

Up, Sid. Yes, sir.

Study this. Thank you.

Oh, God.

If only I could fire that poor son of a bitch.

Hey, Frank! Hold that door, will you, pops?

Wait for me a minute, will you? You don't mind?

Hey, it's Brice Cummings. We met at Spago.

Have you seen Preston?

Preston just went back upstairs.

I just dropped by to say hello. I went to school with the big guy's son.

You give me a call when you hit the Coast, OK?

Let's go. You know, so, anyway. So, Cosell said...

Come here. Slam this door. Hard.

Grace, I need a full report on a guy named Brice Cummings.

He's an LA slimeball.

OK. You're due at Helmsley Palace at 7:00.

And I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna take... No, you're not.

You're staying here with me. We're working late.

I have to take my son to the doctor.

Grace, when I work late, you work late.

But I made the appointment two months ago.

I care!

We're indivisible. If I'm working late, you gotta work late!

If you can't work late, I can't work late!

If I can't work late, I can't work late!

Oh, your brother's waiting inside.

Oh, and I didn't tell him about his great Christmas towel.


A little bit rough on her out there, weren't you?

You know what they say about treating people badly on the way up?


You get to treat them badly on the way down, too.

It's great. You get two chances to rough them up.

Yeah. Yeah.

Why don't the cops do something about this?

Excuse me, please.

Great. Rip off the hicks, why don't you? Did you learn this song yesterday?


Frank, you don't like Christmas much, do you?

Like it? I love it.

It's cold. The people stay home and watch television.

Ad revenues go up 30%.

All these idiots are gonna be home watching the boob tube for me tonight.

I am the biggest fan that Christmas ever had.

So, any chance of you maybe making Christmas dinner this year?


Come on. Why not? Don't start, James.

Come on, the whole family will be there. It'll be fun.

Look, you can have your concerned and wonderful dinner with all your cool friends and the real popcorn and the tree and cranberries and everything, send Christmas cards to each other on recycled paper.

It's a crock, James.

It's for kids.

You know, I like seeing you.

I like being with you.

I want you to have a happy New Year.


Merry Christmas.


Excuse me, ma'am. I think you dropped something there.

Hey, that's my cab.

Oh, sir, please. I...

Leona Helmsley's and step on it, will you?

You son of a bitch, you should burn in hell!

Bye-bye, grandma. Bye-bye.

I got into broadcasting because I like to give.

Sometimes I found myself hurting from giving too much, and I'd say, "Stop it."

I'm always gonna cherish this.

And all of you.

I should have went in there.

I should have said, "Frank Cross, you gotta..."

You stinking... You big dog, you...

$4.85. Here's $5.

Mr. Cross. Mr. Cross.

Wasn't he a medical genius?

Calvin, I think "doctor" is a Latin word for "thief."

$200 I don't have to tell me that you don't speak.

I'm your mother. I know you don't speak...


We'll show them, honey.

You're gonna surprise a lot of people.

Yes, you are.

You start talking, then go to law school and sue his butt off.



Who's there?

This office is closed!

This whole wing is closed!


That was a good one.

How are you, kid? You're...

Will you excuse me? I'll make myself a little drink.

I don't mind you hitting me, Frank, but take it easy on the Bacardi.


To old times, my friend.

Oh, my God. It's...

Lew Hayward. Your old boss and your best friend.

But you're...

...dead. Seven years.

Has it been that long? Jeez, I...

I mean, to look at you, I wouldn't have guessed more than three, tops.

Oh, Frank.

Frank, you are in trouble.

Big trouble. All right.

Let's just say, for argument's sake, that you're right, that I am in big trouble.

What exactly would that mean?

Look at me. Look at your future.

Now, if you don't change your ways, you're gonna wind up doomed, just as I am.

One minute I'm on the 14th hole at Winged Foot, lining up a putt.

A heart attack later, I'm a worm feast.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You're not a worm feast.

You're a hallucination brought on by alcohol!

Russian vodka poisoned by Chernobyl!

I've been under a lot of pressure lately.

I've been putting on a big... Silence!

I had it all.

I was a captain of industry, feared by men, adored by women.

Adored! Let's be honest, Lew. You paid for the women.

I'm warning you, Frank. Don't waste your life as I did mine.

Waste? How can you say that. You're a legend in this business.

You are the man who invented the miniseries.

Mankind should have been my business.

Charity, mercy, kindness, that should have been my business.

Don't wait. Get yourself involved.

Now it's too late for me, but it's not for you.

You can be saved.

You are going to be visited by three ghosts.

Three ghosts. Three ghosts, Frank.

Expect the first one tomorrow at noon.

God, tomorrow's bad for me, Lew.

As a matter of fact, the whole rest of the week is a washout.

Well, maybe we could have drinks, say, Thursday.

You, me, the ghost. Trader Vic's around 4:00?

This is no joke, Frank. This is your last chance!

All right. I could squeeze you in for a breakfast.

Oh, no, please. They'll think I'm a suicide.


Oh, God.

We're way up here. Give me a break.

You can be saved. Don't let go!

Don't let me go, Lew! God bless you! You've got time!

No, no. No, please!

Merry Christmas. Don't let me go, Lew!

Hi, this is Claire Phillips. I'm not here, as usual.

Leave a message for me and I'll call you right back.

Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas.

Speak at the beep.


This is Frank Cross.

I know it's been...

...15 years since we talked but I really need to talk to you right now.

I... Something terrible has happened.

Or maybe not. I don't know. But I...

Whatever, I have to talk to you, no matter what. It's urgent.

Call me at any hour.

My number is 674-9565.

674-95... Damn!


Well, what? Did you get the bonus?

I'm drying my head with it.

Hey, we'll be all right. Don't worry.

What are you doing in there? Trimming the tree.

We don't have a tree, Mom. We do now.

No! Yes.

Don't plug him in!

Plug him in.

Look at the little angel. Take it off. Take it off.

Take it off of him.

But, Mom, he looks so pretty.

He look even cuter than last year.

Look at Granny, darling.

Mom, when are we going to get a real tree?

When they're free.

Have you seen this morning's paper, Frank?

Who's that? She's pretty. She's dead, Frank.

Apparently, this 80-year-old grandmother was watching your Scrooge promo last night and she just...

She just keeled over.

It scared her to death.

This is terrific!

I knew that ad worked!

You can't buy publicity like this!

Excuse me.

Mr. Cross, you're needed on the set.

I want that promo run every half hour.

I want a disclaimer at the top.

"Anyone with a heart condition must leave the room."

Will do, Frank.

Right. Where were we?

Buzz, I was being haunted.


No, it's gotta be real gold.

I don't understand...

You can't do this at the eleventh hour.

...why I can't possibly get anybody to do what I want them to do. Oh, jeez.

Give me a break. I'm sorry, Mr. Cross.

I am the censor, and I will not allow this costume on the air.

Why not?

Well, specifically, you can see her nipples.

I want to see her nipples!

But this is a Christmas show!

Well, Charles Dickens would have wanted to see her nipples then.

You can hardly see them nipples.

See? And these guys are really looking.

You can go shake a tail feather. Thanks.

And thank you. You can just go.

Watch out.

Thanks, boys. Get the nurse.

Get the nurse. Get the nurse!

Make sure her nipples are covered up, will you?



I'm sorry to just...

Well, I didn't get your message until this morning.

And I tried to call but they said that you weren't in yet.

And then I tried to call back and they said that you were busy, so I just...

God, you look different.

Well, it's been a while.

It's your hair.

I've never seen it so short. It makes you look sort of grown-up.

Yo, Frank. Frank!

I mean, Mr. Cross. Check this out, man.

Girls are tough. It's on the money. Check it. Come on. Here we go, ladies.

Would you excuse me for a moment, please?

Five, six, seven, hit it!

Can I turn her head? No.

All right. That works. See?

And boom! And boom!

Little booty here for you.

See? Show me a nipple.

See, you just had to see it in context. Can you move her, please? Thanks.


Is she gonna be all right?

Oh, yeah. She's a real pro. She's very professional.

What about you? You sounded like you'd seen a ghost.

A ghost?

You mean the phone call last night?

I came across your number and I just had to call you immediately.

I know you, Lumpy. I know that voice. That was the frightened Lumpy I heard.

Excuse me, Lumpy.

Around these parts, most people call me Mr. Cross.

I'm sorry. I'm new here and I got a problem.

I'll bet. What?

Well, my problem is this little fella.

I can't get the antlers glued onto this little guy.

We've tried Krazy Glue, but it don't work.

Have you tried staples? Staples?

Don't you dare.

If you staple that little mouse, I'll call the Humane Society.

I'm not kidding.

I wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt this little fella.

Hey, Marlin Perkins. The road.

I have three dogs and a cat at home.

Oh, beautiful story. Tell Reader's Digest, will you?


Same old Claire.

Still trying to save the world.

You still trying to run it?

Hip-hop, hip-hop. Let's go.

Get out of here! Oh, OK.

You called me. Who are you anyway?

You little worm.

Who are you? How'd you get in here?

Well, maybe you'll answer some questions downtown, huh, my friend?

What the hell is going on?

This is my little boy. All right, you beat him.

Does he work here? No, he does not.

I thought it would be fun for him to see a live television show.

You see anybody having fun here?

Why are you so angry?

Why haven't you ever learned how to button a coat?


You know me. I just... I was in a hurry.

Heads up. Heads up. Ladder coming through.

I'm sorry to have called so late last night.

I must have woken up your husband and your kids.

No, no. I've never gotten married. I'm still on my own.



No? No.

Would you hold the goddamn hammering, please?

Yes, sir. I better go. You're busy.

No! No, don't go.

Would you hold the goddamn hammering, please? Frank.

Frank, what did happen last night?

Claire, it was something that I ate.

It was probably a bad clam or something. We don't know yet.

Well, if it happens again...

...give me a call here. I'm hardly ever home.

I'm definitely gonna call because I'm a seafood nut.

And, you know, to not eat clams is...

What the hell's life for?

Would you please, for the love of God, and your own body, hold the hammering?


Sir, it's the Times. They want a reaction to the woman's death.

Well, we slapped her in the face and got her attention.

It was probably something she ate.

He said that it was probably something that she ate.

This is Frank Cross.

We at IBC are shocked and appalled by this senseless tragedy.

Coming as it does at this season of giving...

Would you please hold the goddamn hammering?


You got it.

Oh, shit!

I'm going to lunch.

So, how's everything going, Frank?

Couldn't be better, Preston.

Mr. Rhinelander, hello. Mr. Cross.

May I get you gentlemen something from the bar?

Yes. I'd like a highball.

I'll have a highball, too.

You've heard from the embassy?

Yes, everything's fine.

We're gonna be switching live back and forth from our Scrooge in the studio to Berlin where we've got LeRoy Neiman painting the Wall for us.

Then we're gonna shoot on out to Africa where the Holy Father is gonna bless the entire Zulu nation.

We think it's the largest baptism of all time.

That's just the point, Frank.

I'm afraid you might be spreading yourself a little thin.

So I've taken the liberty of hiring somebody to work with you.

Oh, great. I knew you'd be pleased.

I couldn't be more pleased.

Who is it? Pellegrino, rocks, twist.

Well, we meet again, huh? How are you?

Oh, look at this. Blue is a bad color for New York.

Frank, I realize this is coming at you pretty damn fast, but I want you to understand that my only function here is to take some of the burden off of your shoulders.

A lot of men in your position would see me as a threat.

It's only natural.

That's me.

You are going to be visited by three ghosts.

Expect the first one tomorrow at noon.

Frank, I realize this is coming at you pretty damn fast, but I want you to understand that my only function here is to take some of the burden off of your shoulders.

A lot of men in your position would see me as a threat.

It's only natural. But, whoop, that's me.

Have you ever seen a watch like this? It's a real beauty, isn't it?

My dad gave me this.


But when Preston hired me this morning as a sort of, what?

A consultant, I suppose you might say, I said to him, "Consider me just one of the team."

My lacrosse coach used to say, "There is no 'I' in T-E-A-M."

Here we are, gentlemen.

This one for you, sir. Thank you.

And one for you.

I'm terribly sorry. I... Are you him?

Are you him?

Are you he?

I'll take it away.

Now don't...

Don't come apart on me, Frank.


No. What was that that your lacrosse coach said?

No, the point is, Frank...

Excuse me, gentlemen, are you ready to order?

Great. Yeah. I'll have the California health plate.

No dairy in that, huh?

How's the rack of lamb today, Bobby? Excellent choice, sir.


Oh, my God.


Bobby, look! Somebody save him!

Oh, no. That's a baked Alaska, sir.

No, that's a dessert. You wouldn't want that, sir.

Look! Oh, no, no, no, sir.

That gentleman had a meatloaf. You wouldn't want that, sir.

It's not very... It's full of... Sir?

I'm gonna have... Have?

I'm gonna go have some air.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

You know, I thought you were Richard Pryor.

Get me a cab! Yes, sir.

All right, cut through the park and take me over to...

Hey, man!

Watch out!

Wrong way, jerk!

Nice hit back there! Solid hit!

You're going the wrong way! Relax, Frank. Enjoy the ride.

How do you know my name? I know absolutely everything, Frank.

You see, I'm the ghost.

You don't mind if I smoke, do you? Smoke! Smoke! Just drive!

Oh, thanks, pal.

What did you do? What did you do? What did you do?

That's not funny! Not funny!

All right! Pull over! Pull over!

Where are we? "Where are we?"

You mean, "When are we?"

Look out!

Go back to Jersey, you moron!

Take me home right now. You got it, pal.

Welcome home, Frankie.

Oh, my God!

This is where I grew up.

I thought they tore this place down. They did.

Guess my dad hasn't put up our Christmas lights yet.

Oh, for Christ's sakes, Frank, it's Christmas Eve.

I get it.

You're taking me back in time to show me my mother and father, and I'm supposed to get all goosey and blubbery.

Well, forget it pal, you got the wrong guy.

That's exactly what Attila the Hun said.

But when he saw his mother, Niagara Falls.

Let's get this over with.

That was a great joke.

I love that bit!

Quiet. Somebody will call the cops.

Oh, relax, Frank.

They can't hear us. They can't see us. This is not live. It's like a rerun.

Check it out.

See? Here I am.

We all drink our chocolate-flavored Ovaltine every day to help give us what we need for rocket power.

The Lone Ranger!

That's the...

Hello, Earl.

Here, Francis.

I've got something for you. Merry Christmas.

A choo-choo train? No, it's five pounds of veal.

But, Daddy, I asked Santa for a choo-choo.

Then go out and get a job and buy a choo-choo.

Earl, he's only four years old.

All day long, I listen to people give excuses why they can't work.

"My back hurts. My legs ache.

I'm only four!"

The sooner he learns that life isn't given to you on a silver platter, the better!

You know, we've all been doing everything we possibly can...

I'm going up.

Baby, don't watch too much TV. It's bad for your eyes.

OK, Mommy.

Merry Christmas, Frankie angel.

Merry Christmas to you, Mama.

Niagara Falls, Frankie angel.

I was touched by a gift.

A four-year-old kid receives what in today's marketplace is a $40 or $50 piece of milk-fed veal.

Frank, you still spent the next 15 years of your life sitting on your ass watching television.

Check the records, chump. I did some stuff.

I was a baseball player.

One year, I hit the home run that won the big game.

That was the kid on The Courtship of Eddie's Father.

There was another time, though, that I was running down a hillside that was covered with flowers, and there was a beautiful girl, like 15, with pigtails.

And she was waiting for me. You are so pathetic!

And her parents didn't know she snuck out of the house.

That was the Little House on the Prairie!

Was it the "Homecoming" episode of Little House?

Yes, it was the "Homecoming" episode of Little House.

Let's face it, Frank.

Garden slugs got more out of life than you did.

Name one.

Take me to my office.


Where are we? It's your office.

Isn't that where you wanted to go? What's going on?

It's their Christmas party.

They've had Christmas parties here since the dawn of the golden age of television.

Till you took over, you big stiff.

Merry Christmas. Pass those out.

Brook, Brook. Hey, wait for me.

Hey, hey! Hey, hey, Fred! Fred!

It's Frank, Mr. Hayward. Frank.

You didn't happen to notice a big Christmas party going on around here, did you? Yes, I did see one, sir.

I'm gonna be right on it. I'm just gonna finish this.


Merry Christmas! Why, thank you, Tina.

Frank! Frank! Oh, hi.

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, Tina.

You're not leaving, are you? You wanna go get some Chinese food?

Oh, wow, no. You're not supposed to eat that stuff.

They found out that they're cutting up the alley cats and using them in chop suey. It's a real bummer.

Don't eat that stuff.

You idiot! You moron, get back there!

I don't believe myself.

What an idiot I am!

Did you see that Tina?

Frankie, I'm not that dead. Now come on.

I must have been out of my mind! She was crazy about me.

Not that one, Frankie. Not that one.

This one.

Cupid's arrow, right between the eyes.

Oh, God! Are you all right?

You know, you probably shouldn't move someone who's had a bad blow to the head.

Where did I get you? You got me right here.

And the sidewalk got me back here.

It's gonna be quite a lump. I'm sorry. Here.

Is this yours?

Yes, it is. Thank you.

You had some things, didn't you?

Yes. Here.

All right. Tell you what. I'll go down for them.

OK. Good idea.

Wait for me. Yeah? Yes, I'll wait.

Thanks, Lumpy. Thank you.

Merry Christmas. Say, would you like to go to a Christmas party that's going on right now? Not really.

Neither would I.

Young lady!

Do you shop here all the time?

Because if you do, I can walk on the other side of the street.

Would you like to go get some Chinese food?

All right, what's going on? You are gonna love this.

Claire? Yeah.


Yeah, what is it? I'm in the tub.

Can't we open the presents now?

What are you doing?

Oh, come on, don't be a creep.

Yeah, you had it all, let me tell you. Yeah. Look at something else.

Hey, look, there's a gorilla climbing up on that big building.

When can we open these?

You can open one on Christmas Eve. That's what we always did in my family.

You have to wait until Christmas morning to open the rest.

Isn't that what you did?

Well, if it were gonna spoil, we opened it the night before.

Well, you wanna open this one?

Is this for me?


Oh, good!

Oh, lots of knives.

I got her these great knives.

They're super sharp. I know, I know.

They don't make them in the States. Ginsu knives.

They are really sharp. They cut cans.

You can cut a tin can as easily as a tomato.

Your turn.

I've never liked a girl enough to give her 12 sharp knives.

OK. You're gonna like this.

"To Lump."

"Love, Claire."

You're such an animal.

"The Kama Sutra. The Hindu art of love."

Read the inscription.

No. You read the inscription. It says "Christmas," and then the rest is...

It's Sanskrit. It's Sanskrit.

I didn't need any kind of manual. I want you to know that.

Don't blow the ending for me now.

Did that. With who?

Did it. Yeah.

Done this.

Done this. Buddy of mine did this.

Now this is ridiculous. I don't believe this for a second.

What? Says there's a place that you can touch a woman that will make her bark like a dog.

Lassie's come home.

Lassie, go get Gramps. Go get Gramps, Lassie.

I wonder if you're female. Let's turn her over and find out.

Hey. Oh, what a nice coat you have.

I think I should give you a bath every week.

Good morning, kiddos!

This is Mike the Mailman!

Hey, Frisbee!

I got something for you.

Come on. Oh, there he is.

I really gotta watch out for this one, eh?

What goodies does he have? Is it a pair of mittens?

It's a bone!

What could it be? Is it a book?

It's a bone!

You can't figure it out, can you, Frisbee?

It's a bone, you lucky dog!

It's a bone, you betcha!

Oh, kids, isn't this terrific?

Lassie's a pretty good friend, eh?

And we're into a commercial break, folks.

Very good, kid. Very good. Thank you. Thank you.

So, how many reservations should I make?

Oh, yes. There'll be you, me, my wife...

No, your wife's in Palm Springs.

Oh, yes, yes. I forgot. Of course.

Well, I guess then it will be you and me.

And Frank. Frank, I want you to have dinner with us tonight.

You and your girl. Claire.

Right, Claire.

And order us a stretch limo, too. See you downstairs.


Hello. Why, you're Claire. Yes, nice to meet you.

Oh, hi, sweetheart.

You almost ready?

The president of the network just invited us to dinner.

Oh, no, we can't tonight.

We're going to David and Kate's for dinner.

We planned it for a month.

But you can't expect a man like this to make plans a month in advance.

We can have dinner with them next week.

Next week?

It's Christmas Eve. They're our best friends.

It only comes once a year.

Thanks, Phil, babe.

Yeah, it is Christmas.

It's a time to be a little bit less selfish, you know.

Maybe if you could put my needs and the needs of the Frisbee Show ahead of your own needs...

I mean, I have been fighting for the integrity of this show.

This is the opportunity of a lifetime.

I'm sorry. Sixty seconds!

I guess I didn't realize how important it is to you.

Well, I'm willing to forgive you once in a while. I am.

Frank, look.

Maybe we should separate for a while.

Excuse me. Estelle?

Yeah? When is that limo leaving?

Oh, right after the show. You know how he is.

For a while and see how it goes.

I mean, I know you've been under a lot of pressure.

Oh, it's been rough.

All right. I'll try to come over later if I can.

Fifteen seconds.

I'll tell them that you got hung up.


Merry Christmas.

Five, four, three, two, one.

OK, kiddos...

You left Claire for Frisbee the Dog?

Frank, let me sum this up for you.

You don't know who you are, you don't know what you want, and you don't know what the hell is going on.

I've made a few mistakes.

I gotta live with that.

But I know who I am.

I know what I want.

And I know what's going on.

Hey, Frank. Over here.

What's going on?

How am I supposed to know? I'm only the ghost.

So long, sucker!

Hold on! Hello, taxi!

I have seen your nobler aspirations fall off one by one till the master passion, greed, engrosses you.

Farewell, Ebenezer.

May you be happy with the path that you have chosen.

Well, I am happy with the path that I've chosen, you little bitch!

In fact, I couldn't be happier!

What are you? Crazy?

Yeah, Buddy, I'm crazy!

Crazy like a fox!

Crazy enough to see through your little tricks.

I'm back. I can see now.

No one could have been that simple and good, and sweet, and kind, and decent, yet caring, wonderful.

Not on this planet! No, baby.

Not unless they had something to hide, some sort of trick up their sleeve.

You wouldn't try to trick me, would you?

Don't try to trick me today because I'm back, Jack!

Maybe we'll just check things out over there at Operation Reach Out.

Pick a side, grandma.

Goodbye. Thank you.

...blood drive. $20 a pint. Come on, folks.

Here's a happy donor. Thank you so much.

Merry Christmas.

Well, just for the record, you left me.

You had to go somewhere and get your head together or something.

Well, baby, my head is just fine. Check it out!

It's right here where it belongs!

What's the point? It's lonely at the top?

It's not lonely at the top.

Oh, maybe around my birthday and at sunset.

And there have been a couple of weekends that would have raised hell with even a really normal person!

But that's me. I'm a widow of business.

That's my life! I've chosen it!

At least I work someplace that you can find when you're looking for it!

OK, here we are now.

When I want a wife, I'm gonna buy one!

And she's going to be devoted to me, to my wants and my needs, not like you!

Let's face it, you treated me like dirt!

Oh, Lord! Another wild and wooly one.

Honey, you look frozen. Come over here.

Let me get you a nice hot cup of coffee.

And now you sit right there, I'll bring it to you.

Robert, get up!

Hi, Dick. Herman.

I'm Billy.

Eva. Eva. That's me.

Oh, cocktail hour. Drink for Mr. Richard Burton.

Drink up. Here, Dave.

Drink just for me.

For you, Dave.

That Dick sure knows how to live, huh?

Why do you keep calling me Dick?

I'm sorry, Mr. Burton.

Maybe we don't know you well enough to call you Dick but after Exorcist II and Night ofthe Iguana, we thought we had something special.

So could you please just do a couple of lines from Hamlet?

Please. Or The Sandpiper?

Leave me alone!

Do Cleopatra for me, please, Dick. Please do it.

Please, do it for Eva. Yeah.

I am Mark Antony...

All those who don't know Abyssinia, to know the rain before nightfall of Cheops.

I swear. By thee I full swear.

Oh, isn't that marvelous?

Now beat it before I beat you! Eagles.

Where Eagles Dare. Yeah.

Lumpy, what a surprise! Oh, God! Oh, God! Claire!

What are you doing here? Claire. Claire.

Well, you said if it happened again, that I should come by.

Well, what happened? Well...

I have been thinking a lot about the past, and, you know, when that happens, you start thinking to yourself, "Well, I've made a lot of decisions, you know.

And what would have happened if I had made different decisions?"

Do you know what I mean?

Are you talking about regret?

Yeah, yeah, I'm talking about regret. Yeah!

You know, the one good thing about regret is that it's never too late.

You can always change if you want to.

I deal with that every day. OK, well, deal with this.

I wanna take you someplace right now and eat Chinese food.

Claire, we got some huge problems this time!

There ain't a fuse in the whole joint! Oh, no, there are fuses.

I'll show you where they are in just a second, Hazel.

The A&P didn't send any turkeys. No.

Oh, no, they were supposed to be here hours ago.

Not one. OK, I'll call them in just a second.

No... Can you wait? Could you wait for me...

Well, they can handle this. This isn't a big deal.

I mean, it's just some fuses.

You go down to the hardware store and you buy fuses.

What about the turkeys? And the turkeys are at the A&P?

Look it up in the phone book. No, no, no.

It's under "A" and if you can't find it there, it's under "P."

I have to call them myself. I'll call them in just a second, OK?

You don't have to call them.

These are big girls, very big girls, and they can do it.

Attagirl! I'll be right... I'll be right there.

I'll be... No, Claire, please. Fire these people.

Fire them? Yeah, you fire them.

They're volunteers. They're here out of the kindness of their hearts.

They're volunteers because no one will pay them! They are incompetent!

It's Christmas Eve.

They're like this every day of the year. I guarantee it!

Look, if you'll just wait one minute, I just gotta make the phone call...

No, don't bother. Just a couple...

Don't bother, OK? If you'll just wait one minute, let me just finish organizing what I'm doing, I'll come with you, Frank.

Take the rest of your life!

I'm gonna give you some advice, Claire. Scrape them off.

You wanna save somebody? Save yourself.

Oh, that's a wonderful attitude to have on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas.

Bah, humbug!


Hey, Dick, can you lend me $2 so I can heat my place?

Herman, I blew it all on Liz.

There's a sucker inside.


This is the last dress rehearsal, so let's get it right.

Come on, Buddy, it's your cue. Get moving.

Cue, Mr. Houseman.

"Ebenezer Scrooge hurried past the ragged boys who stood shivering in the snow, gnawed and mumbled by the hungry cold, as bones are gnawed by dogs."

Why do I have to be molested by these sea urchins?

Street urchins? No, Buddy, baby.

Look, look, right here, Buddy. Here's what it says. "Street urchins."

I said "street." Why would I say sea urchins?

OK, everybody, what'd he say, huh? Sea urchins, street urchins?

Street urchins. Street, oh, oh.

He did say street urchins? I'm sorry, Buddy. You're right.

OK everybody. That's dinner, one hour!

That includes walking time! One hour!

You're doing great. You're doing great, Buddy.

We need more snow over here.

We gotta watch that boom shadow, huh?

You're right on my urchins.

Oh, Frank! Man! Baby, how are you?

Oh, God, we were so worried about you. Are you OK?

Everybody was worried sick, huh? You all right?

Listen, I call the meal breaks around here.

Oh, Frank, I'm sorry.

Look, if it means that much to you, I'll call everybody back and you can tell them it's time to go to dinner.

Hey, everybody, hold on a minute, Frank's got something to say to you!

Go ahead.

I think it's time you and I had a little talk, Brice.

Frank, I'd love to but, you know, Preston asked me to stop by for a drink.

So if you don't mind, I'll take a rain check, OK?

Paul, where are you? I need a cigarette!



Hi, Frank!

Come on! Come on out and play with me.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

...two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Oh, I'm a little muddled.

Seven, eight.

One, two, three, four.

Oh, I'm so relieved. It's been so long.

Hello, Frank. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present.

I had a funny feeling.

Why did you do that?

Sometimes you have to slap them in the face just to get their attention.

Fine, slap me in the face.

But you kicked me in the... Hush, Frank.

It's time to begin our journey.

And now close your eyes and think... No.

You close your eyes! I'm through... Oh, no. Don't be quarrelsome.

Close your eyes and think of snowflakes, and moonbeams, and whiskers on kittens.

No peeking!

Of rainbows, forget-me-nots, of misty meadows and sun-dappled pools.

Oh, look, there's Mr. Hedgehog.

I wonder where he's going.

Perhaps to Harlem!

Oh! Oh, no!

I cracked you.

Oh, God, my jaw.

Sometimes the truth is painful, Frank.

But it's made your cheeks all rosy and your eyes bright as stars.

If you touch me again, I'm gonna rip your goddamn wings off, OK?

You know I like the rough stuff, don't you, Frank?

Oh, God.

Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle Jingle, jingle, jingle bells Hi! Hi!

Come on, Calvin. Hey, Calvin.

Merry Christmas, Cooley family!

Ma, you didn't have to come and get me. I could have rode the subway.

I don't want you riding the subway at this time of night by yourself.

Are you ready? Yeah.

Good. Hi, Mom!

Come on, Mom. Oh, get out of here.

Hi, girls. Hi, Mom.

"Hi, Mom." Is that all I'm gonna get?

Well, now I'm gonna get freshened up. I'm gonna leave in a minute, get ready.

Leave it alone. No one can do it.

Shasta, Randee, you two go wash up now, you hear?

OK, Gramma.

Think of your fellow man Lend him a helping hand Put a little love in your heart Oh, look! He did it.

He's a bright little guy. Oh, yes.

What's wrong with him?

He hasn't spoken since he saw his father killed five years ago.

He just drifted away, like Sleeping Beauty.

I didn't know that Grace's husband had died.

Oh, Frank, don't you remember that period when she wore black for a year?

I remember her wearing black but I thought it was a fashion thing.

I mean, people were wearing black, you know.

Oh, Frank.

My, my, poor Frank.

Well, is he gonna be OK?

It's his choice. Only he can break the spell.

You're gonna be a doctor soon enough. This is Christmas, honey.

Girls, put some love in his heart!

Get back! A little Christmas loving, go ahead.

A Merry Christmas. God bless us.

God bless us, every one. Leave me alone! Mama!


Put a little love in your heart Oh, oh! Come in, Frank.

Come in and join the fun.

What a lovely family, and they're so happy.

They're so happy but so poor, you tightwad!

I'll check my records. She may be due for a raise.

May be? Probably!

Probably? Yeah, yeah.

May be, probably, perhaps?

I'm almost positive.

Get off your brother! Get off me. Leave me alone.

This boy is mine!

That looks like fun!

Cut it out! Stop it! Stop it!

Don't forget to watch the show. I'm taking Calvin with me, Mama.

More! More! Hey, come on, Frank.

Next stop's downtown!

How was your trip, Frank? A little jump, huh?

Hi, Cujo.

Bark! Bark!

Who is here?

What are you barking at out there? Go, go.

You are really crazy. There's nothing there. Now come on.

Come on.

All right, let's get down to business.

I want you to stay here and I want you to...

Oh, my, what a merry feast.

It looks like a beer commercial. Let's go in.

Don't vex me, Frank, or I'll fix your mouth so it won't hold soap!

A Christmas party. I'm so glad I wore my pretty dress.

"On The Addams Family, what musical instrument did Lurch play?"

On The Addams Family, what musical instrument did Lurch play?

Piano. I may be invisible but I'm not deaf!

OK, OK, we're gonna say piano. It was the piano.

Harpsichord. Harpsichord.

A harpsichord, James, you dope.

Oh, you knew that. Everybody knows that.

It's their house.

We better give it to them or else they'll have us hanging Sheetrock.

You shouldn't have given that to them. I wouldn't have given that to them.

Give it to them. James, you forgot to open your brother's present.

That doesn't look like a towel.

What did he get for last year?

I don't remember. I remember.

A shower curtain!

It was a beautiful shower curtain. It was gray with these IBC logos.

It had little... Yeah!

You don't have one. Well, what did you get him this year?

Oh, nothing.

I made this picture frame.

He made it with his own little hands.

How sweet.

I know something you don't know.

I know something you don't know. I know something you don't know.

Shut up!


It's your basic top-of-the-line Pioneer VCR.

I think he made a mistake. This ought to work.

I didn't get the gifts mixed up.

My ex-secretary got the gifts mixed up.

You invite him to Christmas dinner every year and every year, he's too busy to come.

And when are you gonna learn?

Never. He's my brother.

A toast... my brother Frank.

I wish he was here. Were, goofy.

You're too good.

To Frank. To Frank. Cheers!

The richest man you know.

Keep the VCR.

What the hell.

It's only money.

It's a write-off. It's tax-deductible. I understand, Frank.

I understand.

OK, "What was the name of the boat that took them all to Gilligan's Island?"

This is so easy.

The Mako.

You gotta know this.

S. S. Mackerel. No.

The fish. It's a fish.

Let's go now, Frank.

Leave me alone. I know this one.

Everybody knows this one. Let's go now!

Oh, yeah? Does everybody know this one here?

Oh, Frank, we're fighting again. Let's not fight anymore!

Oh, look, Frank. What is it?

I can't find the card.

It's a toaster!

The answer is Mackerel.

The bitch hit me with a toaster.

Oh, I love a girl with spirit. Right!

Well, this is nice.

Where are we, Trump Tower?

I've seen a little bit of the city.

Hey, hey, down here! Hey! Down here!

Hey, you! Hey, Jersey! Call Streets and Sanitation!

Wow! Thanks for the shot.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, I'm having the weirdest day!


Hey, Cop! Help me, please!


Coffee's on me. Come here.

Jesus, give me a happy ending here, Herm. Come on, man.

Herman, it's Dick.

Liz says hi.

Jeez, maybe I should've given you the two bucks, huh?


You moron!

You jerk!

Why didn't you stay at Claire's? Why didn't you stay with Claire?

She would have taken care of you!

You would have eaten! You would have been warm!

You might be alive!

You'd be a prettier color, I'll tell you that!

OK, is there a way to get out of here, Herman?

It's the door, isn't it?

It is the door, isn't it?

It's the door!

It had to be the door

'cause it's the only place that doesn't smell like urine!

Oh, shit!

What's going on up there?

Paul, where are you, kid? I need you.

Jesus Christ, hang on a second.

Hey, you! Joker! Hey, get off the set, will you?

Hey! Yeah, we see you, pal.

Get off the set!

Oh, my God! It's Mr. Cross!

Hey, Frank, we've been looking all over for you, buddy.

Frank. Come on, Frank. Frank, Frank.

I was worried about you.

Just like Errol Flynn, huh?

No, he's OK. Very funny.

Come on. You go upstairs to your office. Kind of supervise things.

You can check up the satellite linkups, huh?

Brice, we got three minutes till air. I know how much time we got.

I just want to say, break a leg, everybody.

I feel real weird about tonight.

Yeah, do you hear that, folks? OK, this one's for Frank. This is his baby.

Come on, come on, come on.

Don't lose it on me, huh? Come on.

You know, it has been such an honor to work for the great Frank Cross.

I'm gonna dine out on this for months. You know what I'm saying?

Now I want Grace to take you upstairs now where I think things might just be a little safer than down here. OK?

You're beautiful, Frank. Got any last tips for me, huh?

Oh, God! Oh, God! Grace, go watch the show.

He's here for me! Come on! All right, come on! Give it to me!

You think I'm afraid of you, the day I've had?

I know what you came for. Come and get it, you pussy.

Brice! Stop scaring Frank.

Get this nutcake out of here. Who is that guy?

Oh, Jesus. We got a show to do.

He's in the show, Mr. Cross, as the Ghost of Christmas Future.

He's great.

That guy is gonna be a big star.

All right, go watch the show. We're making history tonight, I think.

OK, video...

Five seconds till we open on B.

Then we go live. Right.

God bless us, every one!

Tonight, live on IBC, the world premiere telecast of a Christmas classic, Charles Dickens' immortal Scrooge.

Ready to roll B. B on the bell tower.

Don't screw up... Roll tape B.

Hold there, three.

All right, coming up on three.

Three, two, one. Dissolve it.

And dancing. Right where you are.

Slow pullout on three. Slow pullout on three.

Down on Houseman, lights up. Ready, mic him in.

It was a cold, bleak Christmas Eve.

The fog-draped streets of London...

Oh, you've got Houseman. I think he's wonderful.

Give me the beer. Yes, sir.

...a phantom through the dingy mist.

Old Ebenezer Scrooge, alone in his gloomy chambers...

We'll make that move as soon as we get off of Houseman.

Coming to camera three live. Dissolve three.

What have we here? They're dormice, Uncle.

Dormice? Dormice?

You see? Works like a charm.

What do they do? They bring you luck.

Are you lucky?

Sir, I believe I am. I've got your niece for my wife.

I've got a good job, and it's the holidays, sir.

Holiday, is it?

You have my niece for a wife all right.

Do you have my job too? That's the luck.

"To Frank, the best brother a guy ever had.

Merry Christmas."

When the snow lay round about Deep and crisp and even Brightly shone the moon that night Though the frost was cruel When a poor man came in sight Gathering winter fuel This is indeed a night for revelation.

Thank you for showing me the true meaning.

Thank me not, Ebenezer, for soon you shall be visited by the final spirit.

The thing that all men fear the most.

The Ghost of Christmas Future.

Oh, thank you, sir.

I'll be so good. I'll repent.

Honey, I'm home!

Oh, boy! Remember me, boss?

The guy you canned the day before Christmas?

Merry Christmas!

Hello, wabbit.

Would you give me a running start?

Sure. 1,001, 1,002, 1,003.

My God! My babies!

Oh, you better watch out Can't you get back to me on this after the holidays?

I've had a bad day.

You've had a bad day?

Let me tell you a little bit about my day! I got fired! My wife left me!

She took our little baby daughter...

...with her.

I can't recall much after that because ever since then, I've been blind, stinking drunk!

He sees you when you're sleeping You gotta believe me, Eliot!

I'm having a much worse day than you are!

Much worse! Really!

He knows if you've been bad

So be good, for goodness' sake Oh, he's making a list He's checking it twice Gonna find out Who's naughty or nice Santa Claus is coming To town

It's you. Creep.

God. Aren't you supposed to be in the studio? We're on the air.

Hey, back off, big man.

That may work with the chicks but not with me.

Is this straight?

May I?

Did our people do that?

We're gonna get phone calls.

Visiting hours are over, Mrs. Cooley.

I just got here. I know but we have to go.

Merry Christmas, Calvin.

I'll see you.

Now, this is just possible future, right? I mean, this is doable.

I know the head of pediatrics at NYU.

We can get this kid out of here right away.

This is not a problem.

I'm all over this. Don't worry about it!

Will you look at that?

Where did they come from?

Hey, you! Beat it!

Please. Please.

Gilles. Madame?

Will you look at that? Look at those filthy little creatures.

Immédiatement. Oh, Claire! Claire!

Claire! Claire! Claire, they're just children.

Please, darling, don't tell me.

I wasted 20 years of my life on pathetic little creatures like those.

Finally, thank God, a friend of mine said to me, "Scrape them off, Claire.

You wanna save somebody, save yourself."

I'm sorry, Claire.

Thanks a lot, Lumpy.

That was a lousy thing to do.



Oh, no.

James, my brother.

He's dead.

Why did this have to happen?

Well, when I get back I'm gonna...

Well, there he is! James!

Who's in there?

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He maketh me lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake."

What the hell is this that you're saying?

What? That I've died?

Why are you showing me this stuff? I can't do anything dead!

Why the hell did you bother to show me this stuff?

James, help me.

No. Oh, no.

Please don't let them burn me, James.

Jimmy, don't let them burn me! Please don't let them burn me!

I'm in here! Oh, God!

Don't let them do it!

Don't let them do it! Don't let them! I'm in here!


God, I want to live! I want to live!

Oh, God, I wanna live! Help!

I wanna live!

I'm alive!

Hallelujah Holy shit, what a break!

I'm at work!

Oh, God, it's the sun!

I never thought that I'd see the sun again!

I'm alive! Not for long.


I'm the Woodstock baby!

I'm gonna start with you.

You're one of my favorites. Come here!

I'm alive and so are you

You glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?

OK. You've heard it. Come on.


Don't hurt me. We're alive! Pink side! Coming back!

Long sole!

You know this one?

That's my thing. I'm going to be doing this to everybody.

All right, here's the deal.

I'll hire you back at twice your original salary.

I'll make you my vice president in charge of programming and I'll give you an office up here.

Would you like my office? No, I don't like your office.

That's so you!

What's the catch?

The catch is that you gotta take a shower, little man.

You are ripe, whoa!

There's a problem here.

I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cross.

That's me, but the great thing is, it's not me!

The Jews taught me this great word, schmuck.

I was a schmuck. And now...

...I'm not a schmuck.

Wait a minute! What time is it?

Somebody stole my watch. It's a quarter to.

We didn't miss it! We didn't miss it!

We didn't miss what? Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Are you alone in there?

We're gonna have some fun.

You and I are going to have some fun for once in this life.

Loudermilk and Cross together!

My, what a glorious day.

There has never been such a day.

Say, there! You lad.

Yes, sir? Are you talking to me?

And take three.

Yes, indeed!

Buy me a goose.

The biggest goose in all of London.

Camera three, follow the coin all the way down.

Oh, I got it!

Holy shit, that's Frank Cross!

He's drunk! He's nuts!

He's finished.

Shut up!

Don't touch that dial and stay on him.

What's your name, son? Mike.

Mike, say hello to your folks, will you?


Mike is doing a great job here for us tonight. Thank you.

That's Frank Cross. I am...

Is he supposed to be in the show? What in the...

Good evening and Merry Christmas.

With me in the booth is Eliot Loudermilk.

Eliot, how are we doing up there? Open his mic.

Wonderful! But I don't think you're gonna be president tomorrow.

At least I am the president of the network tonight.

Tomorrow morning I may not be.

You can bet your Aunt Suzy's ash can on that!

So, what are you doing watching television on Christmas Eve?

They're paying your salary, you ass!

And what kind of a rat bastard idiot would schedule a live show on a Christmas Eve?

Only you, Frank.

You know, a week ago, I'd have kicked your butt right out of the building.

But you know something? He's absolutely right.

You are looking at a guy who told someone today to staple antlers to a mouse's head to further my career.

How many of you people have got the brass cojones to try something like that?

Follow him. Follow him. Stay with him.

I don't know where he's going.

All of these people, I'm sure they have incredible families. But I have...

Look, I got a great brother. Look at this guy here.

My brother, James. Look how cute he was back then.

He's lots bigger now.

And look at me with the ears, the taxi driving down the street with the doors open.

Thank God my hair grew in, huh?

Not yet.

I got this for Christmas today from him.

I gave him a towel.

The VCR is from Grace, James.

You were right about everything, OK?


the S. S. Minnow, James.

What was the ship that brought them all to Gilligan's Island?

The S. S. Minnow.

No points this round, James.

Shit. What?

Wait a minute. How did he know we were playing that?

Hello, Wendie.

Hello, control room! How can I help you?

This is Rhinelander.

I want to talk to the idiot who put that moron on the air.

Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir.

But he can't talk to you right now 'cause he's tied up.

Yes, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead.

A butthead?

He said he never felt that way about a man before but he really liked you in a certain way...

Whoa, I dropped her! Just kidding. She's a doll. It's OK.

It's all right. It's a party. Come on, it's Christmas Eve!

Lighten up a little bit.

Billy, we are gonna need champagne for 250 people.

And please send the stuff that you send to me.

Don't send the stuff that I send to other people.

You know, it's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun.

You can call people that you haven't seen.

You can call a college roommate, you can call, you know, an old army buddy.

Keep that tape rolling.

You can call your personal banker.

Hey! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Eliot!


You heard him! Party!

Now, why wasn't I invited?

Now that was just an innocent window, and you saw what I did to that.

You know who you're dealing with?

I mean, it's a night. You've got to party hearty, Marty.

Look at this. Check this out.

Don't be so mean.

Look at this. There's a rule.

There's a tradition that says I have to kiss this girl on the lips.

Well, she's just upholding the law.

It's a federal law actually, it's not just a state thing.

Great, Frankie!

All right! I love it!

Right on, Frank. Way to go.

Here, Mr. Cummings.

Boy, that was very good.

But you know what?

It wasn't great.

There has only been one great.

There is a girl that I wish I were with tonight.

It's a girl that I loved a long time ago.

A girl that I still love.

It's Christmas Eve. It's not too late, is it?

Claire, do you remember?

Remember the Kama Sutra, page 19?

Legs around like this, then this thing here.

You circle me chanting, burning incense, before we begin.

Remember I said it ain't possible?

Tonight I think we could do this without serious physical or psychological damage.


Can you get me to the IBC building in three minutes?

Which floor?

Deck the halls with boughs of holly Fa la la la la la la la la Tis the season to be jolly Fa la la la la la la la la Don we now our gay apparel Fa la la la la la la la la Troll the ancient Yuletide carol Fa la la la la la la la la Fa la la la la la la la la

We should be taping this.

Now, how did that happen?

That happened because it's Christmas Eve. I'm telling you!

I'm not crazy.

It's Christmas Eve!

It's the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more.

For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.

It's a miracle.

It's really a sort of a miracle because it happens every Christmas Eve.

And if you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it.

I know what I'm talking about.

You have to do something. You have to take a chance.

You do have to get involved.

There are people that are having trouble making their miracle happen.

There are people that don't have enough to eat.

There are people that are cold.

You can go out and say hello to these people.

You can take an old blanket out of the closet and say, "Here."

You can make them a sandwich and say, "Oh, by the way, here."

I get it now!

And if you give, then it can happen. Then the miracle can happen to you!

It's not just the poor and the hungry, it's everybody who's gotta have this miracle!

And it can happen tonight for all of you!

If you believe in this spirit thing, the miracle will happen.

And then you'll want it to happen again tomorrow.

You won't be one of these bastards who says, "Christmas is once a year, it's a fraud." It's not!

It can happen every day! You've just gotta want that feeling!

And if you like it and you want it, you'll get greedy for it!

You'll want it every day of your life, and it can happen to you!

I believe in it now!

I believe it's gonna happen to me now! I'm ready for it!

And it's great. It's a good feeling.

It's really better than I've felt in a long time.

I'm ready.

Have a merry Christmas, everybody.

You guys see Calvin?

Did I forget something, big man?

God bless us, every one.

Oh, no.

Lumpy. Lumpy.

Lumpy, no.

You're like boating a marlin.

Claire, the whole world. Whole world, Claire.

And they lived happily ever after.

Think of your fellow man Lend him a helping hand Put a little love in your heart You see, it's getting late Oh, please don't hesitate Put a little love in your heart And the world will be a better place For you and me You just wait and see Another day goes by And still the children cry Put a little love in your heart And the world Stand up! Stand up!

Will be a better place And the world will be a better place For you and me Just you wait and see Another day goes by And still the children cry Put a little love in your heart Feed me, Seymour. Feed me.

Come on. Let's hear it from all you folks out there. Come on.

You don't know the words, come on.

Come on, let's hear it from this side of the theater. Come on, just over here.

All right, that's no good.

Come on, let's try the other side of the theater. Come on.

All right, how about just the men? Come on, just the men.

All right, the real men, let's hear the real men.

All right, all right, the women. The women now, this time.

No, the real women. The real women.

You know who you are.

All right, you, who was making all the noise through the whole movie.

My brother, the king of Christmas.