Sea Monsters (2017) Script

Woohoo!

Hello there guys.

I'm Charlie Chapfin, the funniest comedian mutant monster fish this ocean has ever seen.

Do I got a joke for you.

Here it comes.

What's a chicken, oh no, wait.

Why does a whale, no, it's not a whale.

It's a jellyfish, yeah.

A jellyfish walks into a clam.

Two sucker fish walk into a byfield?

Oh slimy sea blob, I messed up.

Hey lampies and germs, that was Charlie Chapfin.

Wasn't he, well, well, something?

Well, he was something, wasn't he?

Charlie, it's on, they've announced it.

It's happening.

I can't believe it's finally happening.

What?

Floundering famine, Charlie, you haven't heard?

It's really happening.

What are you talking about, Mucus?

I guess you haven't heard.

If you had heard, you would be totally jumping out of your scales.

What is happening, Mucus, what is it?

I don't think I can stand the suspense for another moment.

OK, here it goes.

I heard from the seaweed that they were going to announce the funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

The what?

The funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

They're going to crown the funniest monster fish in the ocean.

No way!

Way!

It's happening two weeks from now.

Two weeks?

Yeah, I know, right?

We hardly have any time to prepare.

We have to practice, we have to write new material, we have to...

We have to win.

I'm not so worried about you, Mucus.

You're the funniest piece of slime on Shmirt.

You think so, Charlie?

Yeah, no slime, moss, fungi, or mold spore is funnier than you.

Well, it's my father's side, you see.

They're a bunch of real loud mucus filaments from the sewage run off.

They can really find the humor in anything.

My mom's side, on the other hand, just a bunch of real boring blubberfish.

Oh, blubberfish, yeah.

Not very funny.

I don't know, Charlie, sometimes I'm not sure I inherited that slime edge.

I mean, I can get a joke started, but it goes downhill from there, just as if I kick off full on slime funny, and then slowly I taper down to blubberfish blah.

You're funny, Mucus.

You got it.

You can make mutants and fish laugh.

I don't know, Charlie.

This contest is not some little local rotten fish dive where I get to tell my lines with a bunch of ocean spores and mold spots, this is big.

It's huge.

It's the big leagues.

I'll never stand a chance.

Maybe you can... Oh, Mucus.

A group of crabs just gave me a uniform claw down.

I don't think I'm ready, either.

Fish and mutants, our next funny act hails from the deep oceans of Neptune Bay.

Everybody, a big round of claw snaps and fin claps for our inimitable, unmatched, unparalleled, Jelly Fun.

Jelly Fun.

She's drop dead funny.

See, what did I tell you?

We're in deep waters.

We don't stand a chance with Jelly Fun in the mix.

Mucus, Mucus.

She's so beautiful.

But she's the competition.

I know, it makes her even more beautiful, don't you find?

You know what, Charlie?

What?

I think I'm in love.

Oh, Mucus.

You think Jelly Fun is funny?

Oh no, Brute.

My spores, the meanest mutant bully in all of Shmirt.

I'll show you funny.

Check out my new act.

Observe and learn, my goofy non funny mutant fish friends.

Lumpsuckers and sardines.

Coming up next is last year's favorite funny sea creature, Mutant Fish and Shmirt's most eligible bachelor, the one, and only Brute.

Thank you, thank you.

And for tonight's performance, I will do an impersonation of my good friend Charlie Chapfin.

Two seared tuna steaks walk into a clam.

No, wait, did I say tuna?

I meant salmon, or maybe I meant sardine.

Or maybe is a...

Tuna salmon sardine.

With all these mutant fish around, I get so confused.

Oh my fins.

This is so humiliating, Charlie.

Wasn't Brute awesome?

And now, mutants and monster fish out there, I have an announcement, straight from the Monster Comedy Club.

Here it comes. I announce the funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

Hear ye, hear ye.

To all funny creatures of the sea of Shmirt.

This is your opportunity to shine.

Your chance to show the whole planet of Shmirt that you are the funniest creature of all.

It is time to make it official, folks.

With the funniest monster fish in the sea contest, we will be crowning our supreme funniest Shmirt creature once and for all.

How do you suppose we beat Jelly Fun and Bruce, and they're not the only ones.

What about Pete the Pancake Snark?

Speaking of the pancake.

Oh no, humiliation never ceases.

Hey guys.

Hey Pancake Pete.

Hey, Pancake Pete.

You guys heard?

Yes, yes, we've heard.

You're participating, obviously.

Oh, guys, I'm not sure.

Whatever do you mean?

You're the funniest pancake shark on Shmirt.

Yeah, no pancake, waffle, or puff dried shark is funnier than you.

Yeah, well, that might be true, but...

But? This contest is not at some shark and lamp ray dive where I tell jokes to a couple of low water electric eels.

Momentous. Exactly.

How can I hope to compete?

I think I'm gonna go cry now.

See you guys later.

Poor Pancake Pete.

Poor us.

If Pancake Pete doesn't think he's good enough, the two of us are never gonna stand a chance.

We need help.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Depends on what you're thinking.

What are we thinking?

The Maestro.

The Maestro.

I've heard he trained hundreds of comedian monsters, thespian mutants, and ventriloquist fish, all over the oceans of Shmirt.

I've heard he helped fashion all sorts of sea creatures into acclaimed, Shmirt famous entertainers.

We have to find the Maestro.

But where?

Nobody's heard from him in millions of years.

Some even say he's a legend.

Well, if he's a legend, it's gonna be even harder to find him.

Because he doesn't really exist.

Aw, shucks.

Blasting sea cucumbers, that was loud, Porkenspiny.

You scared us half to death.

Yeah, for golly's sake.

Can you keep the decibels down a little?

I guess he can't.

What did he say?

Ah, that was just as loud.

I meant in our language, Mucus.

Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad.

He's asking if we heard.

Yeah, we've heard.

Yeah, we've heard.

What did he say?

He wants to know if we're getting ready for it.

Well, you see, Porkenspiny, we very much want to sign up, but we don't think we have the chops.

Yeah, we think our only chance is finding the Maestro.

Yeah, we know it's a great idea, but we don't even know if he's real.

Let alone where to find him.

What did he say?

He says he wants to find the Maestro, too.

He says he wants to win the contest.

What did he say?

He said we should ask Mr. Sushi.

He will know where to find the Maestro.

Mr. Sushi, of course.

He knows everything there is to know about Shmirt.

He's the only one of us that's even been outside.

Oh, yeah.

I heard the stories.

He was just a regular old mutant salmon.

Just peacefully swimming in the oceans of Shmirt until one day. He swallowed a fish.

That swallowed a fish.

That swallowed a fish.

That swallowed a fish.

That swallowed a fish.

That was then fished.

And taken to market.

And bought by Chef Mariyama.

And made into a sushi roll.

And served on a plate of musculum greens.

Yeah.

That day, when Chef Moryama wasn't looking...

He just rolled back into the bay and escaped.

And that's how Mr. Sushi knows just about everything.

Exacto.

Let's go see Mr. Sushi.

They're going in search of the legendary Maestro?

If they learn to be funny, they might hurt my chances of winning the funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

I cannot let that happen, I must stop them.

Hmm.

22.

Mr. Sushi.

Mr. Sushi.

Ah, you kids have given me a fright.

Sorry, Mr. Sushi, but we need your help.

We totally need your help, Mr. Sushi.

Well, what is it?

You have better some real good reason to annoy me.

While attending to my coral garden.

Oh, Mr. Sushi, we didn't mean to...

Yeah, I mean, no, we didn't mean to bother you.

Well, bother me you did.

We're sorry, Mr. Sushi.

How's your rice these days, by the way?

Ah, my rice, eh?

Well, not so well, these days.

This ocean water, it gets so soggy.

That's a drag, Mr. Sushi.

I have to go out of the water and lie on a rock in the sun for hours to dry it off.

That sounds like a mold spore of a pain.

I can't even begin to tell you about the seagulls.

They won't leave me be.

They just peck at the rice and the toppings and the seaweed, it's pure misery.

I'm sure it is, Mr. Sushi, but we're here...

To ask for your help.

Oh, you kids just cannot understand.

Wait until you get made into sushi rolls.

You know?

It's not all bad.

Sometimes I get in a raft or two.

Did I ever tell you the time the seagulls ate a piece of wasabi off of the top of my head?

Yes, Mr. Sushi.

Yes, Mr. Sushi.

Well.

Let me tell you about it.

It was the summer of the year 2001.

I remember very well because it was the day I had just celebrated my second anniversary of returning to the sea.

Oh boy.

I was sitting on my usual rock.

Way up the cliff, over yonder.

And all of a sudden, out of the blue, a big seagull comes swooping down.

I held tight to my rice, thinking that's what he was aiming for.

Instead. Oh.

Oh.

He went right for the wasabi.

You should have seen his face.

It was red, like a sea coral.

I tell you, funniest moment I ever did witness.

Speaking of funny.

Hmm, yes?

We were wondering if you knew the whereabouts of a certain sea creatures known as the Maestro?

The Maestro.

You're asking about the Maestro?

Well, yes, you see, we...

They've just announced the funniest monster fish in the sea contest, and we...

We want to participate.

But we're afraid.

We're just not funny enough.

Even the beautiful Jelly Fun can beat us.

Imagine if all the creatures of the ocean participated.

Oh, they will participate.

This is probably the most important contest ever held in all of the 50 seas of planet Shmirt.

Oh, Mr. Sushi, that does not make me feel any better.

Take heart, my little creatures.

Take heart.

You just need to go see the Maestro.

He'll know what to do.

He trained hundreds in the fine arts of entertainment.

Even my friend, Sunny the Sturgeon, sharpened his comedic chops with the Maestro.

Did I tell you about the time...

That's great, Mr. Sushi.

But do you know where to find the Maestro?

Me?

I have no idea.

I don't even know if he really exists.

Do you?

But you said.

What did I say?

I can't quite recollect.

You see, since those pelicans nibbled on the fish eggs on top of my head, I can't quite seem to recall a single thing that I say.

So, you're saying?

What was I saying?

You were saying, what was he saying?

I have no idea.

Wait, is this a comedy skit we're in?

Where Mr. Sushi forgets what he's saying.

And then we all forget what we were saying?

Oh, to be a comedy skit, it would have to be funny.

Is this funny? I don't know.

Oh my fins, if we don't know if this skit is funny, how are we ever going to win the funniest monster fish in the sea contest?

Mr. Sushi, you think it's funny.

We're funny, yay.

We're funny.

There is hope, after all.

I'm not laughing because it's funny.

I'm laughing because you guys are so funny trying to be funny.

That, in my book, is comedy.

You are so totally clueless on how to be funny, that you are coming across totally hysterical.

While not being funny whatsoever.

You get it?

So you're saying we're funny?

Not at all.

Well, dang, that did take the water out of my spores.

Mr. Sushi, you have to tell us the whereabouts of the Maestro.

We really need help.

You do, indeed.

Well, then, do you know where we can find him?

Hmm.

Nope.

Oh, boy.

But you can always go see Big Eddie Spaghetti.

If someone knows comedy, it's Big Eddie.

Really? Yeah.

He was just born funny looking.

He took care of the rest.

He might know where to find the Maestro.

What a brilliant idea.

Well, thankfully, the pelicans left a few eggs up there.

Thank you, Mr. Sushi.

Let's go.

Hurray.

Good luck, guys.

Oh, drat, I should have warned them about the deadly carnivorous plant guarding the way to Big Eddie's house.

Perhaps I ought to, oh.

OK.

What was I saying?

Ah, yes, my coral garden needs trimming.

Why didn't we think of it?

Yeah, Big Eddie will know.

Big Eddie knows everything.

He's got his fins in all sorts of stuff.

Well, he's got several to spare.

Do you guys know the one about the mutant sea monster?

Which one?

The one about the sea monster who, oh no, wait.

Was it a sea monster?

Oh, no, I think it was more like a starfish.

Or was it a mutant sardine?

No, no, I think it was a sea monster.

Here we go again.

Hey, there, Sushi.

It's Mr. Sushi to you, fella.

Why do you interrupt my gardening?

Was wondering if three puny little mutant monster fish came by to see you.

What's it to you, guy?

See, they're good friends of mine, and I'm supposed to meet them, wherever they're going.

You don't say.

Yeah.

You know where they're headed?

Why, yes, I sent them there myself.

Well, where on Shmirt did you send them?

Shh, Porkenspiny, we're entering the mutant bay shortly.

I heard there are some carnivorous plants around here.

Yeah, practice your quiet voice, Porkenspiny.

Speaking of carnivorous plants, did I ever tell you guys the one about the pitcher plant?

Nope, but something tells me you're about to.

A pitcher plant walks into a dentist's office and says.

Hello, there, little ones.

Oh, no, it's...

Lips.

Lips.

How sagacious of you, little ones.

Yes, indeed, my name is Lips.

And I'm the most poisonous, ravenous, cranky and downright evil mutant carnivorous plant in the whole wide sea.

Well, Mr. Lips, that's some introduction.

Yeah, amazing.

You should try for the movies.

You don't say.

Absolutely.

I should look into that, after I devour you, of course.

Of course.

What are you fellas made of, anywho?

I have an array of food allergies and a sensitive digestive enzyme.

I've got to keep an eye on my diet, or I'll flare up.

I tried all sorts of diets.

Mediterranean, TLC, volumetric, vegetarian, the South Beach Diet, the zone, and I still keep flaring up.

You don't want to eat us, then.

I guarantee we'd do a number on your stomach.

I don't have a stomach.

I secrete digestive enzymes in my large pitcher, which in turn will dissolve any creature, big or small, who enters my lips.

In a matter of minutes.

But alas.

Like I was saying.

I keep flaring up.

It's a drag.

I have an idea.

You don't say.

Now, I'm not doctor, in fact, I'm just half a slug of swimming mutant mucus, and half blubber fish, but I fancy myself an expert in obnoxious gases.

You do, now?

Yes, you see?

I find that when the sensitive air gets trapped in my mycelium, I get gassy, too.

It's just awful.

Well, have you ever tried holding your breath, and then letting out the biggest burp ever?

It just clears out my mycelium like no other.

Interesting theory.

I think I'm gonna give it a try, if you don't mind.

Not at all.

I'll join you, if I may.

Burp.

Hmm.

You know what?

I feel better already.

Oh, slimy some.

Now I can eat you.

Oh, drat.

Get in line, so I can slurp you up one by one.

You little goofy thing, will be my appetizer.

The ugly slimy thingy next to you will be my main course.

Hey, who are you calling slimy?

And the other whatchamathingy?

You can be my dessert.

Great going, Mucus, now we're plant chow.

I was just trying to help.

You did.

Now get on with it.

I'm suddenly starving.

What about a joke, instead?

A joke?

What would I do with a joke?

You can't eat a joke.

Yes, but haven't you heard it said that laughter is the best medicine?

Very well.

In exchange for a good joke, I'll let you little creatures go.

But only if you can make me laugh.

If you can't.

If we can't.

You're plant chow.

Great going, Charlie, we're fish fry.

We just have to be funny, Mucus.

Exactly.

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, I'm the funny funniest super funny mutant monster fish comedian Charlie Chapfin, and I'm here to tell you a funny joke.

Oh, boy, we're fishsticks.

A joke about...

A pig?

Not a pig, more like, hmm.

Mutant rhino?

No.

Clam?

Yes, a clam walks into a doctor's office.

The doctor goes, "Hey, clam, why do you look so pale?"

And the clam says, "I'm here to get a lightbulb screwed in."

And the dentist goes, "Hey, clam, why do you look so pale?"

And the clam says, "I'm here to get a lightbulb screwed in."

And the dentist says... Oh, boy.

And the dentist.

The dentist?

The dentists says, "You seem a bit clammy."

Clammy.

Get it?

OK, I'm gonna eat you.

No, Lips, wait.

I'm a little rusty, but I can be funny.

I really can.

Let me try.

I'm Mucus, I live on a rock by the sewage runoff, and I can swim, slide, and burp.

I'm the funniest piece of stinky slime you'll ever meet.

Have you ever heard the one about the three legged seahorse?

We're seafood, Pancake.

This is humiliating, Charlie.

This is crashing, Mucus.

We've got to find Big Eddie.

Yeah, we got to find Big Eddie.

Time is short.

Let's go, guys.

Real quiet like.

Yeah, real quiet like.

Hey, where are you going?

You said that if we made you laugh, you'd let us go.

I did say that, but after your lackluster performances, I feel it's my duty to eat you.

I cannot allow you to torture any more unsuspecting audiences.

It's just not right.

No, wait, I promise you, we'll get funnier, we will.

Yeah, we're on our way to see Big Eddie Spaghetti.

That bore?

Whatever for?

He's gonna point us to our only hope to win the contest.

Who would that be?

The Maestro.

Did you say the Maestro?

Do you know him?

Sure, I do.

We used to share a rent controlled barnacle in the suburbs about 10,000,000 Shmirt years ago.

Of course, we were just larva, then.

Do you know where we can find him?

Nope.

Oh. Oh.

When he got too big for the barnacle, he moved to the big sea city.

Bright lights, fame, all of that.

Too good for a potted carnivorous sea urtacuralarea mutantus like myself, I suppose.

But what did he do in the sea city?

I hear he made it big as a party singer.

Gig weddings, bar mitzvahs, live shows on cruise ships.

The works.

The fame.

Incredible.

Sounds like our kind of guy.

He's the Maestro.

The best of the best.

Say.

If you do find him, tell him Lips says hi.

And that I want the barnacle rent money he still owes me.

When's the last time we had a bite to eat, Charlie?

Seems like forever.

You know what I'd die for?

What? Mutant spores.

Mutant spores?

They're so delicious.

They taste like strawberry cotton candy.

Watermelon.

I can't wait to go back to the sewage runoff, there's tons of mutant spores there.

Those are the best ones.

Yeah, my fungi relatives get together on Saturday mornings, bring the kids, and just slurp up the mutant spores all day long.

Where do you think mutant spores come from?

'Twas the year, minus 10,000,007, when a radioactive meteor crashed into the sea of Shmirt.

Since then, mutant spores abound in our waters.

Who goes there?

They call me Tony Longknees.

But you can call me Tony Flatface Longknees Twoscales Macadoo.

Well, hello, Mr. Tony Flatface Longknees Twoscales Macadoo.

Hello to you.

Heard you talk about mutant spores.

Our favorite snack.

Mine, as well.

Say, I've never seen you guys around these parts.

You mutants or fish or what?

I'm a mutant monster fish.

Might not look it yet, but I'm growing my first monster tooth, see?

Impressive.

And you?

I'm half mucus filament from the city runoff, and half blubberfish.

Ah, mucus filament.

They're some funny bunch, those guys.

Blubberfish, not so much.

What are you guys doing in these waters, anyhoot?

We're headed to find Big Eddie.

He might know the whereabouts of the Maestro.

The Maestro, you say.

You know him? Of course.

We ran together back in our young and wholly larva days.

Ah, the good times we had.

Racing minnows in the bay.

Riding tuna schools in the open sea.

But, alas, the Maestro moved on to the ocean city.

But I heard he started a theater company.

Wow.

He was still a larva when he directed the undersea production of the Taming of the Sardine. Whoa.

After that, it was one hit after another.

Henry the Eightfish ran for 3,000 years at the underwater fish festival.

Much Ado about Mackerel got a five star fish review on Rotten Fish Guts.

Amazing.

Awesome.

Yes, indeed.

The Maestro's as big as you're gonna get in the entertainment world of the sea.

Why you fellas looking for him?

We want to enter... The funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

And win.

We hope the Maestro can help us on our skills.

Make us stage ready.

Well, if there's one creature in the whole sea of Shmirt that can help you, that would be the Maestro.

Cool, sea cucumbers.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Let's go find Big Eddie and hear what he knows.

Yeah, Mr. Tony Flatface Longknees Twoscales Macadoo.

Good luck finding the Maestro, kids.

Good luck.

I think I see Big Eddie's rock.

Say, how can anyone live under that rock?

There's hardly any space.

They call him Big Eddie Spaghetti for a reason.

He can get inside the tiniest crevices.

Doesn't he get stuck?

Of course, all the time.

Last time, he had to call a whole team of rock demolition crabs, took them seven years to get him out.

Whoa.

Yeah, had to live off mutant spores and clam juice until they got to him.

No way.

Way.

Lost a fin, too.

But he grew two right back.

Hey, there he is.

Hey, Big Eddie.

Oh, hello, fellows.

What good ocean current brings you down these parts?

It's about the funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

Yeah.

Oh, yes, the contest, I heard.

It was about time the sea of Shmirt organized a comedy contest, so much talent in these waters.

Yes, right.

Well, you see... We want to participate.

But we want to get real good, first.

That makes a lot of sense.

And we thought... Yeah, we thought the Maestro could help us.

The Maestro?

But, but, but, but, but, that's impossible.

Why? Because after his lost Broadbay show, A Starfish Named Desire, was badly received, he's gone into hiding in the Terror Cove.

The Terror Cove?

Yeah, dark and scary place.

Deep, deep down the bottom of the deepest ocean.

And deeper than that.

So deep, in fact, there's only one fish that can find its way around down there.

Who's that?

Pepperhead Firefly.

Pepperhead Firefly?

Yeah, Pepperhead Firefly?

She can find her way into the murkiest waters.

Will she take us to the Terror Cove?

No way.

Anyone who dares venture into the Terror Cove has never been heard from again.

Including the Maestro.

I hear he surrounded himself with a gang of scary mutant thugs, who guard every inch of the cove, and let nobody through.

Oh my scales, we'll never get funny enough in time for the contest.

All right, all right, stop crying.

I'll tell you where to find Pepperhead Firefly.

She might agree to guide you to Terror Cove.

I wouldn't count on it, but she just might.

Hurray.

Hurray.

Not so fast, fellas.

If you want to find Pepperhead Firefly, you have to travel deep, deeper, and ever so deepest, to the center of the underwater burping crevice.

And into the fog sea bog.

There she dwells.

My sweet fins, the burping crevice.

I wonder what it's like.

I've heard stories.

What kind of stories?

The burping crevice's fiery monstrosity, oozing with fluorescent lava, emitting lightning and thunder.

I heard Patty the Pernicious Percula visited the burping crevice once to roast some marshmallows, and she never came back.

Whoa.

Here she blows.

Oh, that doesn't look too scary.

Charlie, if we go in there, we'll come out fish sticks.

We have to go, Mucus.

I wouldn't go down there if I was you.

Who goes there?

It's me, Flattooth McGee.

Mutant spelunking enthusiast.

Who might you be?

I'm Charlie Chapfin, comedian and little mutant monster.

And this here is Mucus.

Blubberfish and mucus filament.

And this is Porkenspiny.

We're from the other side of the sea of Shmirt.

Ah.

Amazing. And what brings you to these parts?

We're looking for the Maestro.

The Maestro?

Yeah. But we need the help of Pepperhead Firefly to find him.

We hear he's hiding in Terror Cove.

Yes, Pepperhead Firefly, a good spelunking buddy of mine.

Couldn't find my way down those dark underwater caves without her to guide me.

You think she'll help us find our way down the burping crevice?

Maybe.

She's a little hotheaded, but can be very nice, if she takes a shining to you.

Although.

Although?

In order to see her, you have to go down to the bottom of the crevice, where she dwells.

No way I'm going down that crevice.

I don't want to turn into fish sticks.

But we must, just like we must step on that stage, even when we know our jokes are gonna fall flat, and we'll be pummeled with rotten sea cucumbers.

Yet, we go.

Just so, we must brave the depth of the crevice to find the Maestro.

Not buying it. Mucus, we have to go.

Our future as comedians depends on it.

All right, fine.

I just don't know how funny I'm gonna be once I turn into a Cajun style blackened blubberfish.

Funnier than you are now. Good point.

Hey, there, Eddie.

I'm looking for three shrimpy mutant monster fish.

Have you seen them?

Yeah, they're headed out to Terror Cove.

You don't say.

But I wouldn't be foolish enough to follow them down that burping crevice.

If you know what's good for you.

I'm gonna have to see that for myself.

Good day.

Whoa, we made it.

Where are we?

I can't see an inch from my nose.

Wait, I can't even see my nose.

Did I lose my nose, Charlie?

I can't see it, do you see it?

Is my nose still on my face?

Don't panic, Mucus.

You never had a nose.

Oh?

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Nevermind, it's all accounted for, then.

This must be the fog sea bog.

How are we gonna find Pepperhead Firefly down here?

We're just gonna have to wait for...

Boo.

Pepperhead Firefly?

Who wants to know?

I'm Charlie Chapfin, and these are my friends.

We need a guide to find our way to the Terror Cove.

Terror Cove is very dangerous.

Why would I want to take you there?

Because you're a kindhearted mutant fish?

I may be kind, but I'm not a dummy.

No way I'm going nowhere near terror cove.

Haven't you heard the stories?

Nobody whoever goes down there ever comes back.

Say, why do you want to go down there so bad?

We're looking for the Maestro.

Yeah, we want him to teach us how to be the greatest comics in the sea of Shmirt.

We want to win the funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

A comedy contest?

Yeah. Oh boy.

I love comedy.

Oh, no, really.

I always wanted to be a comedian, myself.

But there isn't a lot of fish down here who could listen to my jokes.

How did you end up down here, anyway?

I was born a teeny little mutant larva near the surface of the sea.

Slowly, my instincts drove me deeper and deeper down the ocean, until I arrived here.

I never really asked why.

It just seemed the right thing to do.

But now I do feel lonely sometimes.

Wish I had somebody to talk to.

Well, here we are.

Indeed, you are.

Now I can tell you some of my jokes, yay.

Do you know the one about the sea turtle that, no, wait, I think it's an octopus.

Are you talking about the ambidextrous octopus one?

Yeah, that's it.

Or was it?

I think it was, maybe it was a sea turtle.

Oh, boy, here we go again.

It's definitely an ambidextrous octopus.

Really, OK, then.

Here we go.

An ambidextrous octopus walks into a shirt store.

He says...

"Do you have anything in my size?"

And the store clerk goes...

He goes, "I have," no, wait.

He says... He goes, "Yeah, I have."

I have. I have seven shirts in your size and... Or was it a pair of gloves?

A pair of gloves or swimming trunks?

Guys, may I remind you that mucus filaments have a lifespan of only 10,000,000 years?

I would like to go to Terror Cove before I dissolve into mutant moldy goo.

Yeah, yes, of course.

I, well, Miss Pepperhead Firefly?

It was so nice meeting you, but we have to go find the Maestro, now.

Well, I have to say, I haven't had this much fun in a long time, being I'm always down here in the fog sea bog.

Even with all the cherry ice cream flavored mutant spores, it does get boring.

What about I come and meet the Maestro, too?

Cool sea cucumbers.

You think he could teach me how to be funny, too?

Sure clams.

I always wanted to get out of the fog sea bog.

Sounds like a deal.

Awesome.

I want to try out for the funniest comedian in the monster ocean contest, too.

You're very welcome to join us.

And one more thing.

What is it? Will you be my friends?

Yeah. Yeah.

Then what are we waiting for?

Let's go.

I wouldn't go down there, if I was you.

It's already digested three little fellas today.

You'd need a fourth if you were foolish enough to enter.

You saw them go down there?

I have. Well, then.

I shouldn't worry about them anymore.

There's no way they'll ever get out of there alive.

Now, time to prepare to win the funniest comedian in the monster ocean contest.

You sure we're going the right direction to the Terror Cove, Pepperhead?

Sure, I'm sure.

I can see my way through this fog bog real easy.

I could find anything down here.

No problem.

It's easy.

All you have to do is live down in the fog bog for 10,000,000 years.

Can't imagine living down here for 10,000,000 years.

Yeah.

It does get boring sometimes.

But I learned to be happy on my own.

I play a lot of games.

Like what?

Well, I chase mutant spores.

And I play hide and go seek.

Who do you play with?

Myself, of course.

How do you do that, Miss Pepperhead?

Easy.

See, first I hide in a fog real good.

Then, I start running around in circles until I forget where I was hiding.

And when I do, I go look for myself.

Spiny lumpsuckers, that sounds super clever.

You're a smart mutant fish, Miss Pepperhead.

Necessity is the mother of all inventions.

When all you have is a sea of fog, you gotta get creative.

Well said.

Shh.

Guys.

I think we're here.

Where?

This is where Terror Cove begins.

Stay close, guys.

You never know what you might encounter down here.

I wonder where the Maestro is.

The Maestro won't see anybody.

So you better turn right around and leave Terror Cove.

If you know what's good for you.

But, but.

Yeah, but, but.

No buts, barnacles or belugas.

You leave now, or I... Or?

Or I'll be forced to devour you.

Listen, here, you nasty little toothy thing.

What did you call me?

Oh, I think you heard me.

I called you a nasty little toothy thing.

So sue me.

Miss Pepperhead, no.

Don't get him mad.

He looks like he can devour you in a single gulp.

I will, too.

Listen up, you goofy toothy thing.

These friends of mine have traveled across the ocean of Shmirt, down the burping crevice, through the fog sea bog, all the way to the Terror Cove, just to see the Maestro, and we're not leaving until we talk to him.

You shall not see the Maestro.

Why ever not?

He's writing a comedy of errors and needs peace.

Strict orders are to keep everyone away.

So, away with you.

The Maestro is writing?

Whoa.

That's amazing.

I wonder what he's writing.

None of your sea wax, now shoo.

Or I'll be forced to devour you once and for all.

Oh, enough with you.

We're here to see the Maestro, and the Maestro we will see.

Make way.

I have warned you.

Now I shall eat you, one by one.

Wait. Maestro?

I've been here long enough and I'm bored, so I will let them enter Terror Cove and see me.

But under one condition.

What condition is that? You have to make me laugh.

It's a deal. But if you fail.

If we fail? I'll have you thrown into the burping crevice, while it's burping.

You got it, Maestro.

What, no wait.

We can't do this.

Yeah, I don't think that's such a hot idea, Miss Pepperhead.

Why ever not? If we could make mutant fish laugh, we wouldn't be here to ask the Maestro to help us make mutant fish laugh.

Yeah.

Huh, you do have a point there, Charlie.

See, so we better leave right now before we end up fish sticks.

Pepperhead Firefly never backs down from anything.

If laughs is what he wants, laughs is what he gets.

What do you say, Charlie?

Better get the batter ready.

Next. You're next, Mucus.

Me?

Why me? Well, you're funny looking.

That gives you an edge.

Oh, cool, I go next.

Hey.

Wait just a minute.

Did you call me funny looking?

We can only hope you're as funny as you're funny looking, Mucus.

Our lives depend on it.

Oh, boy.

Fins crossed.

How do you stick a whale inside a refrigerator?

You open the door and stick him in.

Next. Go on, Charlie.

Your turn.

Must I? You do.

And don't worry about it.

You'll be great.

Oh, boy, I can already hear the crevice burping.

Uh...

How do you stick a giant squid in the refrigerator?

You have to take out the soda bottle, first, see?

Then you stick the, no, wait.

You take out the giant squid, then you put the refrigerator, oh, wait, you...

Next. Oh, it's me, it's me.

I'm next.

Fish sticks, who would have thought we'd end up fish sticks?

Oh, Charlie, I don't even like fish sticks.

I'm a vegetarian mucus.

Mucus hold me.

What do you do with a green mackerel?

You wait until it ripens.

I love you, Mucus.

It was great knowing you, Charlie.

A good one. She did it.

She made the Maestro laugh. And so she did.

How did you do it, Miss Pepperhead?

Easy.

I watch you guys tell your jokes, they didn't get any laughs.

So I did the opposite of whatever you did.

I guess I figured the opposite of not funny had to be funny.

Good, little one.

You already think like a funny mutant fish.

You, on the other hand.

You, well.

You need work.

But Maestro, where are you? I haven't shown my face to the world in a million years.

You, too, shan't see me, ever.

But why? Because, the world cannot bear the sight of my figure.

I have made the worst reviewed play ever.

A Starfish Named Desire.

I was so humiliated, I decided never to show my face to the world again.

But Maestro, we don't think you're a failure.

Yeah, we think you're a hero.

A hero, what?

Yeah, we came all the way down here to see you because you're the best entertainer in the whole of Shmirt.

You really mean that? Sure clams.

Well, if you really mean that, I shall reveal myself.

Yeah.

Maestro. Maestro.

Maestro.

In the scales.

Will you help us, then?

Help you with what?

We want to get funny, Maestro.

Yeah, real funny.

So we can win the funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

A contest, huh?

Yeah, will you train us?

Hmm, you do realize that with comedy comes great responsibility.

And with great responsibility come...

Great comedy?

Exactly. We're ready.

Then, we'll start.

I'm ready to get my funny on, Maestro.

Charlie, I am about to reveal to you the secret of comedy.

I'm all internal ears, Maestro.

What you do is find whatever it is you take seriously, and you make fun of it, get it?

I think I got it.

OK, Charlie, give it a shot.

Hello there, I'm Charlie, and I want to be a comedian.

But when I try to be funny, nobody laughs.

So I stopped trying.

The moment I stopped trying, everybody started laughing at me.

A good one.

Great going, Charlie, that was comedy gold.

Mucus, tell me a joke about where you grew up in the city run off.

I grew up in the city run off, amongst the sewage waters of, and what's really funny about that is, hmm.

I know there's something really funny about that, I just can't put my filament on it.

Eh, Mucus, if I had a frying pan, I would pan you and then deep fry you.

Oh my blubber.

You've got to get a hold of those nerves, Mucus, or you'll never amount to anything on the stage.

Yes, Maestro.

Tell me, Mucus, what are you nervous about?

Well, everybody's looking at me.

Well?

Where do you want them to look?

If they don't pay attention to you, how in the whole wide ocean can you make them laugh?

Oh, right.

The best thing for you to do, Mucus, is to turn it around and picture the audience without scales, shells, or bony plates on.

They will never make you nervous again.

What's so funny?

You guys look really goofy without your scales on.

Stop picturing me without my scales.

This is so embarrassing.

I think you're ready to tackle your first real joke, Mucus.

So, I grew up in the city run off.

Don't believe me, hey, smell my underfins.

Oh, that's funny.

My slimy spores, I can't believe I made you laugh.

Give me a little more punch on the Porkspiney.

Excellent.

Yeah.

You guys hear the one about the monster clam and the electric mackerel?

A monster clam walks into, oh, no, wait.

An electric mackerel crosses the coral reef.

No, wait.

Charlie, you must remember two things about telling a proper joke.

Number one, setup.

Number two, punchline.

You must have both working together.

A setup without a punchline is like a dog fish with a pretty face.

It just doesn't work.

A punchline without a setup is no better.

Got it.

Quick, Charlie.

Give me the setup.

OK, what do you get from an angry big toothed mutant shark?

Now, deliver the punchline, Charlie.

With gusto.

As far away as possible.

That's great, Charlie.

I believe you little ones are ready for the limelight.

You really believe so, Maestro?

Yes, I do.

Under my guidance, you have now learned all the tricks of being a funny mutant fish.

Hooray.

Hooray.

Hooray.

What about you, Maestro?

Are you going to stay down here in Terror Cove forever?

No, I have decided to reenter public life again.

I shall bring my one man show to the world.

My Fair Fins, the musical, is finally complete.

It will be my Broadway comeback.

World, get ready for the Maestro.

Yay. Yay.

Yay.

No, you go and win that contest.

Lamp rays and rock fish.

Welcome to the first ever funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

To all you Shmirt creatures in and out of the oceans, turn on your TVs, and tune in to the biggest comedy show you've ever experienced.

Some of the funniest monsters, mutants, and fish forms all over Shmirt.

Here to entertain you.

So, let's get the show on the road.

We're here.

We're about to compete in the first funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

It's the biggest performance of our lives.

I can barely hold onto my slime.

How did they get here?

How did they survive the burping crevice?

Did they get to see the Maestro?

Did they learn funny comedy tricks?

I can't let them win. I just can't.

Before we bring out our first comedian, let's test our laugh o meter.

Whoever's joke score the highest will win the contest.

Give me some laughs.

And now, we welcome to the stage our first comedian, a very talented young monster fish with a bright future in comedy.

I'm sure you're gonna love him.

Bring your fins and your claws together for Brute.

Mutant sea cumber, cucumber, walks into a, into a...

Hmm, wait, wait, wait, I know this.

Wait, you can't boo me.

Don't you know who I am?

I'm the funniest mutant fish in all the ocean of Shmirt.

How dare you boo me, I'm funny.

Oh, boy, I hope I don't bomb like that.

You'll do fine, Mucus.

You trained with the best.

And now, coming to the stage is a funny piece of slime.

His name is Mucus.

And you're gonna love him.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens didn't evolve yet.

Great job, Mucus.

Next up is a funny mutant lady fish.

Her name is Pepperhead Firefly.

She hasn't been out for the sea fog bog in 10,000,000 years, but she's here tonight to make you laugh. You're gonna love her.

Put your fins and pinchers together for Miss Pepperhead Firefly.

Where do you find a lobster with no legs?

Exactly where you left him.

She's amazing.

I think I'm in love.

Again.

Coming up again is the very funny and very loud Porkenspiny.

Enjoy the show.

That was awesome, Porkenspiny.

You're up next, Charlie.

Are you nervous?

What's there to be nervous about?

It's just the biggest moment of my life.

You go get 'em, Charlie.

Show 'em what funny is all about.

And now, coming to the stage is the very funny Charlie Chapfin.

A big round of applause for Charlie, please.

Hello, there, guys, I'm Charlie Chapfin.

Do I got a joke for you.

What do you call a guppy with a whale on his head?

Squashed.

Great job, Charlie, you got 'em.

Well, lion fish and mutant groupers.

It's official.

We've got the winner of our first funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

And the winner is,

Mucus, Porkenspiny, Miss Pepperhead, and Charlie Chapfin.

By unanimous laugh-o-meter vote, they all share the title funniest monster fish in the sea.

Congratulations, you guys.

Floundering salmon, we did it.

We won the funniest monster fish in the sea contest.

And we did it together.

And now what? Yeah, and now what?

Well, there's a whole wide ocean with many more contests to win, and I think we can win 'em all.

What do you say?

Let's make them all laugh.

Let's make 'em all laugh.

Woo hoo.