Seeking Dolly Parton (2015) Script

[Indistinct announcement over pa]

[Music playing]

[Indistinct announcement continues]

[Man speaking indistinctly over pa]

I like your glasses.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Thanks. Dorky.

No, they're cute.

Do i recognize you?

I'm sure i've seen you somewhere before.

You-- Chopsticks?

Chopsticks? No, what's that?

It's a bar.

It's a gay bar.

Oh, no, no. You definitely didn't see me there.

I like your accent.

Thanks.

I like yours.

I don't have one.

To me, you do.

[Indistinct announcement over pa]

Wanna have a baby?

You did not say that.

Yeah, i'm pretty sure i did.

No, no, i think it took about two years to get to that stage.

I think we had a few obstacles to get through first, Like the whole girl-On-Girl thing.

Oh, no, i think we straddled that hump quite nicely.

Yeah, well, it wasn't without its obstacles.

No, like, our first kiss.

I don't remember that.

-No? -Uh-Uh.

Let me remind you.


[Woman] it's so crazy how we can do this nowadays.

I mean, we can actually find a father on a laptop.

[Woman 2] sperm donor.

I'm really getting sick of saying the word "sperm."

Look at that guy.

-Him? -Mm-Hmm.

Yeah, yeah, he's cute.

All right.

Well, there's dad.

Wait a second. We gotta read up on the guy, -See what's going on. -Okay, well, Says he plays basketball, he's vegetarian.

Combined with you that baby will be half vegetarian.

Oh, wait, look at this guy.

Is he... chinese or something?

I don't know.

Oh, yeah.

Mother, japanese, father, german.

Hmm. Wonderful.

Our two greatest enemies.

It's not 1942 anymore.

Well, either way, i gotta start taking notes.

Okay, well, you take your notes, And if you get bored, i'm gonna be in the paint room.

Come on, babe. I'm not just doing this for me here.

-This is for us. -Oh, i know, But you can whittle it down.

I trust you. You can think of yourself as a... casting director, all right?

And then we'll pick together, promise.

I love you.

Hmm.

All right.

Please stand on your mark and slate your name.

[Deep voice] hello. I'm jack hunky.

[Normal voice] hi, jack, let me see your profiles.

Oh, good, good. Oh, that's really nice.

Now drop your pants.

[Sighs]

™ you're not my type

™ i'm not yours

™ you're an open window

™ and i'm a closed door

™ you're so optimistic

™ i can't see why... you slept in your painting shirt again.

It's dry paint.

Nice ass.

[Chuckles] kiss it.

Hey, um... i got up this morning, i was thinking about something, you know.

I was going over all those guys again.

You want the swimmer guy, don't you?

What if we didn't go with any of them?

What, you mean a new donor place?

Well, what if we went with somebody You know, we-- We actually know?

Someone real.

What, you mean actually get it from an actual bloke We actually know?

Look, last night you could hardly care about Who i picked off that donor website.

-No, that's not true. -I don't blame you.

It's weird.

I guess i just always thought i'd get pregnant the old-Fashioned way.

That something you're gonna miss?

No, no, no.

No, i just... i wonder if it's something you'll ever miss.

You can't miss something that you've never wanted.

Yeah.

You got someone in mind?

-[Jon] beautifuls. -Hey, jon.

What's going down, besides yourselves?

-[Laughs] -Come on in.

-Get in there. -Looking good, though.

I like that.

[Jon] are you guys abreast, so to speak, Of this new nudity law in san francisco?

-Oh, yeah, yeah, i am. -No, what law?

Well, now you can strut your junk outside in the city.

-Yeah. -No way.

And i'm the last guy to ask another guy to put their clothes back on But have you seen the people that are actually going with this trend?

I swear to god, the law needs to be: you get a trench coat, Six-Week diet plan, and a workout at the gym.

Yeah, i walked outside of my building yesterday To a 65-Year-Old jogger wearing only his ipad and tennis shoes.

-You did not. -Was he cute?

[Both laugh]

I'm skipping lunch. End of conversation.

Yeah, so-- Hey, grandma.

These are my friends right here, Charlie and cerina.

-Hi, great to meet you. -Hi, nice to meet you.

You want to offer them a cup of tea?

Would you like to have a cup of tea?

-No, no, we're fine. -We can't stay long.

No, they don't drink tea, grandma, they're lesbians.

I don't know what to do now.

Go and wash my dishes, grandma.

Lesbians don't drink tea? Lesbians?

When did your grandma get here?

She helps pay the rent and do chores.

You make her do chores?

Well, what is she gonna do? I mean, It's either that or it's back to stripping, And i don't think she can pole dance anymore.

Hey, grandma. Grandma!

Hey, grandma, do me a pole dancing move.

Show some what?

All right, grandma. Get out of here.

Pole dancing? What the hell is he talking about?

I think she was getting a little antsy back in new york, And she was sent out to check on me And... i'm the last grandson and all that, so... they want to know why i haven't had any kids yet.

But, um... yeah, so...

ah, you know.

So what are you guys doing here, anyway?

-Um... -Well...

-we, uh... -We wanted to ask you something.

Yeah. Something that involves... your sperm.

I'm really getting sick of that word.

[Man] now, sis, You're gonna have a gay guy impregnate a somewhat-Lesbian To have a child with her most-Definitely, Utterly, completely lesbian girlfriend?

This is how the world is gonna rid itself of straight people.

Ah, what do you care? You're asexual.

Workaholic's more like the term.

Besides, mom and dad are gonna be the ones that trip out on this.

They're still hoping that you're gonna bang your head again And someday rediscover the joys of the male anatomy.

Oh-Ho, i remember them well.

Leo, a woman's sexuality is a little bit more fluid than a man's.

-Hmm. -Things like this happen.

Anyway, old news. New news is this baby thing.

You think it's gonna go over like a bad meal?

Who knows? The last thing mom and dad want Is to not be unconditionally loving parents in their neighbors' eyes, So you have their reputation going for you.

Well, i'm not too concerned anyways.

We aren't kids anymore.

We grew up like good kids, and if they want to be good parents, -They'll learn to be proud. -Mm-Hmm.

Besides, they got over you not going green on some of your bills.

I thought you promised not to bring that up again.

I'm so mad at you. You're so mean.

Dork.

-You really need a prius. -Ugh.


[Mumbles]


[Knock on door]

[Jon] hello?

Girls, the door was open.

Dude, you couldn't-- You need to knock before you...

-come in. -Seriously.

I'm sorry, the door was open.

Good. [Chuckles]

What's going on? How is everything?

Just cooking dinner.

I'm not hungry, though, thanks.

You ever heard of knocking?

Well, that's funny, 'cause i got dinner plans, so i'm not gonna--

Is that a panty?

-Uh... -Mine.

We keep 'em in the kitchen, sometimes.

Beautiful. Can i get a drink? I need a drink.

Yeah, help yourself.

We better get used to this interruption thing.

[Thump]

[Thump]

[Thump]

[Thump]

[Thump]

You drink, jon?

Only when i'm nervous or about to get intimate.

You're not looking to get intimate, are you, jon?

The other day when you came to me and you asked for my toothpaste, I never thought anybody would ever ask me for something like that.

I went home and i thought about this.

When i moved from the east coast, I wanted to go somewhere where i could think And try and find myself. I mean, you know.

I'm so confused, So the thought of having a baby grow up... what if it ends up confused like me?

-[Both] jon. -No, it's--

We totally get it. It's okay.

-We understand. -No, wait a minute.

I'm not saying i'm not interested--

Jon, if you weren't interested, You wouldn't have accepted in the first place.

We get it. It's cool.

-You get it? -It's fine.

I'm starting to feel really crappy about this.


-You're still here? -Yeah.

Took the day off.

I got a bunch of stuff i gotta take care of.

What's up?

You know.

It's just funny how... [sighs]

You can be raised in a family Where you're thinking of your accomplishments Before your eggs and ham every single morning, And then you look back at the things that really matter and... somehow you never saw them through.

Hey.

We'll figure this out, okay?

I'll see you tonight.

Chin up.

™ i wish we had the time

™ so i could have a chance ♪

™ to say goodbye

™ but as a river flows

™ i have to let you go

™ i wanna let you go

™ every day i let you go a little more. ™

[Leo] josh? It's josh.

Okay, okay, okay. This is awesome.

So girl/gay girl, combo choice number one is out.

That's no longer happening, right? Okay?

Now it's ex-Boyfriend impregnates ex-Girlfriend So ex-Girlfriend can have child baby with new girlfriend.

Oh, i don't even know if he would agree to it.

I haven't spoken to him in, like, two years!

I'm just asking you what you're thinking.

-Truthfully? -Yeah?

I so hope it doesn't work out, 'Cause i can't wait to hear what you come up with next.

Gonna get me hit by a car.

I'm just asking you what you are thinking. Advice.

About josh? I think he's a great guy.

Of course, not as attractive as your current lover.

He had, like, one cold in the two years we dated.

That's just unheard of.

I mean, that's some sturdy constitution.

-Strong antibodies. -Mm-Hmm.

He had strong hair. Big follicles.

That man was always in a good mood, no matter what.

I mean, that is just some serious cortisol and norepinephrine levels.

He's a person, not a nutritional label, you know that, right?

Right, right. I know, i know.

You know, he-- He was a well-Made person.

-His whole family was. -Uh-Huh.

You just don't find that on the donor websites anymore.

So if josh was all this and that and everything...

-yeah. -...why did you leave him?

[Charlie] your parents don't like being around us together too long, do they?

No. No, you know that's not it.

It's just that, you know, They had to be at the salon before 10:00 pm So they could get their complimentary massages.

Hey, um, have you heard from erin lately?

Erin? No, not in a couple of months.

-Why? -Just wondering, i guess.

You know, it's okay to be friends with your exes, right?

Yeah.

You don't think i still have feelings for erin, do you?

No, i'm just-- I'd understand if you did. She's hot.

Okay. She's just a silly stripper.

Yeah. Silly strippers.

Cerina... cerina, what's the matter?

I got another idea for a sperm donor.

Okay, well, you're saying "sperm" again, so it must be good.

I don't even know if he would agree to something like this.

Who?

I got the idea to ask josh horn.

Josh horn.

I know, it's a silly idea, But it-- We're running out of options.

But your ex-Boyfriend?

I mean, i know. I don't even know if he would agree to it.

It's just-- Come on.

[Sighs]

No, i'm-- Come on, i want to hear it.

I want to know why the guy you said was like the bohemian poster child Is gonna be the right man to father your baby.

Not father, donor, And not my baby, our baby.

I know, i get it. I said a lot of things.

I was hurt over love.

You've said things about erin before, you know, remember?

Yeah, she almost made me straight.

-Almost. -[Both chuckle]

Well, i get it, we had our ups and downs, But no receding hairline.

It's important.

[Sighs]

Cerina, you're gonna be the one that carries this baby, so... you're the one that should choose the father.

You know i wanted you to carry this child.

Yeah, we went over that once.

Some people have parents.

You know, good or bad, they have people to draw experiences from.

I told you before, i wasn't born.

I just woke up one day and i was an adult.

There's no nurture in my blood.

Come on. Let's go get us a man to boss around.

Yes, yes!


[Charlie] this is where your ex-Boyfriend lives.

Well, i guess the odds that josh is the next bill gates are out.

[Cerina] yeah, i think his aspirations Were always a little more creative than lucrative.

You know, usually it's the girl turning up on the guy's porch And saying, "i want you to know i'm pregnant."

Not, "i want you to know, i want to get pregnant."

You going in?

-We are going in. -Oh, hell no, no.

I will help deliver the baby and all of that jazz, But i am not gonna help recruit the man.

[Cerina scoffs]

Chicken.

[Josh] no, i understand it.

I get that, i get it, i get it, i get it.

-Right. -Oh, that's him.

[Josh] right, right, right, right, right.

[Charlie] that's him?

-He looks kind of... -Right, right, right.

...dirty.

He wasn't born that way.

I will-- Give me another week, another week.

-That's all i need. -All right, well, go get him, tiger.

You never know, might get lucky.

Might have a vial in his refrigerator.

[Josh] no, i know, i love you guys. You guys are great.

Yeah, i get it, i get it. I just told you, I don't-- I'm not a people photographer.

You know, i do landscapes and objects.

Things that don't move.

Right, well, you know, people are just too hard for me to capture.

Yeah, well, i'll put a squirrel in the tree, okay?

Yeah, i know, but for 200 bucks, What do you expect, ansel adams?

-Okay, well... -[Urinating]

[Sighs]

Right, all right, well, i'll tell you what, Yeah, i'm still down at the clothing store, And you know, they give me some hours there, So i'll, uh... ooh, yeah.

Can i...

call you back in a minute?

Surprise.

Come on, girlfriend.

Serve him that silver platter.

Hi, josh.

Hi.

This your place?

Yeah, i got some, um... i got some roommates, but, uh, This is where i crash.

Nice.

Cerina...

what are you doing out here?

[Chuckles] well, i--

Is that me?

Oh, that was--

I was looking for that. I was throwing all this stuff away, And that was one of the things that i was gonna, you know, throw away.

Well... [chuckles]

Question for you.

Would you sell me a cup of your--

I even feel awkward.

Well, what happened?

Did he tell you there's a long waiting list or something?

It's really not a--

This was a dumb idea.

-Let's go. -Hey.

-Look-- -No, listen, i--

-No, look. -Okay, i'll listen, or look.

I haven't seen you in a long time And then you just kind of show up here and--

I mean, this whole idea of you handing me money And me handing you a cup of my--

Look, i know, i probably didn't think it that far through.

Maybe i should have sat on the whole idea a little while longer Before just going to look for you.

Why-- Why me? I don't understand.

I mean, there's gotta be plenty of guys out there With a lot less qualities you dislike.

I don't dislike you, josh.

Look, you have a lot of great qualities, And you're good-Natured, i mean, healthy.

I don't know, maybe you just seemed like a good candidate For more, um, joshes.

Well, i'm flattered.

I mean, i guess that's what i am.

I just-- Can i have a day to think about this?

-Just-- -Yeah, of course. Of course.

This is charlie.

[Both] hi.

[Jon] this doesn't get any better for me, all right?

My three beautiful women in the laundromat. This is it.

-Right, grandma? -Right.

-You all right? -Yeah.

Keep folding.

I don't care how beautiful you are.

[Charlie] jon, you don't need to keep flattering us.

We do still love you.

I can't stop thinking about this whole thing, all right?

I just can't think straight about it.

You get that, straight?

It's funny.

[Cerina] now you can become all the man you want to be Without a baby in the rear view mirror.

[Jon] well, that's right, that's what i mean, okay?

Now you just go on the internet, anonymously, You have a one-Night stand, you have a baby, And that's a little less complicated, right?

[Charlie] yeah, we might not be going down that route anymore.

[Jon] well, what do you mean?

You spoke to your ex-Boyfriend?

Really?

I didn't know anything about this.

Well, don't you think this is a little odd?

Well, did he accept?

[Cerina] not yet. We'll find out tomorrow.

[Jon] so he didn't accept yet.

[Cerina] yeah, thanks for reminding me.

[Jon] okay, look, i was just saying, Because i thought you were gonna go on Some match-Semen.Com website, that's all.

[Cerina] can't we just all shut the hell up And focus on the laundry, okay?

Hurry up, grandma, i gotta get outta here.

[Grandma] all righty.

-Whoo! -What's the matter with you?

™ these streets are lonely ♪

™ another face in the crowd ♪

™ but i've got my guitar ♪

™ and i'm singing it out loud ♪

™ well, i've learned my lesson ♪

™ always listen to the call ♪

™ even though it may kill me ♪

™ i won't be sorry when i fall ♪

™ i'll be laughing when i fall ♪

™ all alone with my bags unpacked ♪

™ i still stare at the wall ♪

™ i don't know when my day will come ♪

™ and i don't care at all ♪

™ i know i'm never looking back ♪

™ this train is right on track... ♪

[Phone rings]

Hello? Hey, josh.

Uh-Huh.

Oh, oh, my god. Yeah, that--

I mean, that-- That's great.

Uh-Huh.

Uh-Huh.

You don't-- Oh, josh, i can't even--

I can't even thank you enough.

Yeah, this will mean so much to us.

Okay, thanks.

Oh, my god, yes!

[Both laughing]

Whoo!

™ she said her name was billie ♪

™ as she looked up from her drink ♪

™ a smile on her face

™ she knew him

™ he couldn't quite remember ♪

™ when they'd met up at that place ♪

™ he was a young boy

™ she was a fool

™ and they got high

™ the night flew by

™ and she wished that he would never let her go ♪

™ doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo ♪

™ doo, doo, doo, doo, doo... ♪ What are you doing?

I'm drawing.

Oh, god, really? I hope it's not me, Because i'm gonna look like a dirty maid.

Now that is a series of paintings that i could get into.

Hey, listen, we gotta get the boxes out of the attic.

Yeah, i did it.

Oh, okay.

Oh, the guest room blinds, we gotta fix that, Because the light comes right through.

Yeah, they're done.

Really?

Well, thank you. Appreciate it.

You, uh, want me to paint some fluffy clouds on the ceiling, too?

I don't know, maybe a baby mobile above his bed, Or some fluffy toys?

He's not the actual baby, cerina, he's a houseguest.

He's coming for a couple of weeks.

He's gonna be poked and prodded, And he's maybe gonna become the cow to our dairy farm.

Is there no romance in this for you?

Is there for you?

[Sighs]


Want to see your room?

Mm-Hmm, yeah.

-What do you think? -Of what?

Of him!

So far, i think he walks pretty good.

So you know, leo and i actually have offices down the street from each other.

I mean, sometimes i feel like we're just little kids again With adjoining rooms.

And i get to see him so much, it's awesome.

Thanks.

[Clears throat] you know, he likes you.

Leo does, you know.

He always thought that you were the cool brother that he never had.

No, not that i wasn't a cool sister and all, But, you know, he just always needed that male energy Or male camaraderie thing.

And you know, i was just so girly.

So, uh, josh.

What have you been up to lately?

Well, since... i last saw you, I moved down to l.A. For a while, And tried to start a band.

A band?

Yeah, i always had a dream about doing The rock-Star-On-The-Road thing, you know?

You played an instrument?

You, uh, you bought me a guitar for christmas one year, remember?

It's all right. I kind of got into it more later After-- After i saw you, And um... ah, you know.

It was all right. It gave me some focus and direction at the time.

Kind of gone more into the photography thing lately.

That's awesome. I just... kinda always thought you wanted to get into films.

Hmm. Yeah, well, i tried that business.

Those guys are, like, crazy and it was too much.

-Gotcha. -So... how did the road artist thing pan out?

[Clears throat] well, three tours of gilroy, Five groupies, and i got a music video--

Half music video done.

Actually, i have it on dvd here if you guys want to check it out.

It's pretty good.

That's awesome!

That's really good.

I didn't even know you were so naturally talented In the things i didn't know you were talented in.

Well, not really, but thanks.

You-- Wow, your family, they must all have, like, This artist's streak going through them because--

Well, let's see, my mom's a cpa, My brother tests soil for a construction company, -So i'm not-- -Yeah.

That's awesome that he does that, you know, That's really cool. I just didn't even know he did those kind of things.

You're a love-Your-Job kind of guy, then?

I feel everybody who has passion Should at least try and put it to work.

And what if your passion's an undesired commodity?

What then?

I feel if you've got passion, Somebody's gonna want it.

Right. Right, right, right.

You know, and sometimes you artists need a break from creating, Uh, to make money, and... it really works out for this whole arrangement, Because you need money to keep creating, And we need... stuff, to keep procreating.

So... how's the help?

Well, uh, good night, josh.

Sleep tight.

Oh, thanks. You sleep tight, too, Or, i mean, you know, i'm not telling you to go to sleep, But i'm just-- I'm just--

Yeah, yeah, sleep-- All right, i'll see you tomorrow.

[Camera clicks]

[Cerina] hey.

Hey.

[Cerina] so how'd it go?

Oh, it's not too-- Oh, that.

-Yeah. -Well, Pretty good if you're a dartboard.

Well, i guess we'll find out if you got any, uh... stds? Yeah, no.

You don't have to worry about that, 'cause to get stds, you gotta...

what's with the tree?

I'm doing some graphics for this holistic massage place by me.

It's-- I mean, it's not the happy ending kind of massage, Just the regular-- The sad ending kind.

Well, why the tree, then?

Oh, 'cause it's called "the tree-Tment center," you know?

They're like the green kind of people, And so they want to have a tree in it, But they also want to put a person in it and--

You get in that tree.

Oh, no. No, no, not me, no.

Oh, no, come on! Get in the tree, why not?

Oh, come on, you remember.

I fell on my head, cracked my skull open when i was eight.

No, no.

And i thought you said you weren't good at shooting people, anyways.

Well... you know, we'll both confront our weaknesses.

Oh, no. No thanks.

Come on, if there's anybody i'm gonna take a great picture of, It's gonna be you.

Hmm. Thanks, well... maybe i'll hire you to take some pictures of charlie and i.

Ahh. She's a nice girl.

-Charlie? -Yeah, she's cool.

Yeah, i agree.

She's, um... what?

I was gonna-- [Chuckles]

I was gonna say she's not your type, But then, i don't think her entire body was your type.

Why don't you think she's my type?

I don't know, i guess... if i thought you were gonna go in that direction at any point, I guess she wasn't the girl that i necessarily pictured you going after.

And what type of girl did you see me going after?

Well, that's kind of hard to pinpoint, 'cause truthfully, You going after somebody else Wasn't something i thought about too much.

I gotta ask you something.

What?

Are you with charlie... charlie, what?

Are-- Are you with charlie Because i had asked-- Because i wanted you and i... what?

How-- What?

Are you with charlie because i asked you to have a threesome?

[Laughs]

You never told me that you had a three-Way.

-You? -Well, it was more of a two-And-A-Half way.

Look, i was up for the whole idea, Only i brought in somebody that was a little bit more hardcore than you, And poor little josh just ended up getting a live show.

Not that he was complaining much.

So that is the little experience That you told me about when we met.

Yeah. And that was it.

Only now he's wondering if he's the one That led me down the path of least resistance.

Typical bloke to think it was somehow him That made you want to be with a woman.

Okay, he's not like that.

Look, he was probably just trying to make something better That he knew was already falling apart, And now he's just trying to piece it all together.

Cerina, you are here with me Because you want to be, right?

I mean, that's--

That's not even a question for you, is it?

Oh, charlie, don't think like that, okay?

He's here because, simply, I want him to get me pregnant.

Good.

Because for a minute i thought it was for something immoral.


What are you doing in here?

Oh, this is really interesting.

I saw this dolly parton.

A what?

Reminds me of a dolly parton. It's a rose.

I was taking this botanical semester for this charcoal class one time, And they studied this sucker to death, But it was-- Kinda struck me that way, Like, uh-- Let me see, what was it?

Warm climates. It's kind of like an orange--

It's not finished.

Oh.

Sorry.

I got a lot of unfinished songs, you know.

Sometimes things take time.

Look, josh, you're a guest in my house and everything, And i really appreciate you helping us, But please don't go looking through people's private things.

Sorry, i was just--

Just walking by.

Okay.

All right, okay.

He was looking through my stuff.

What was that?

Your boyfriend.

Looking through my paintings.

I want you to tell him that if he has even a cold sore Show up on those tests tomorrow, He is heading straight back to that art colony by the sea.

Charlie, it's just one painting.

Just one painting?

Cerina, you have memories, don't you?

Now, if all those memories were wiped from your mind, Would you be the same person again?

I have one real memory of my dad.

And it's of a place that he took me to in the city, Maybe half a dozen times.

And it was our magic place.

And it was where we went just to be ourselves.

And when he died, he took that place... he took that place and he took all of its magic with him Because i was too young to even remember where it was.

So i move halfway across the world... and sometimes i still take a different route home from work Just in case i find it again.

And all i have to remember that place by is those paintings.

And you tell me it's just a painting.

It's not just a painting.


[Josh] let me show you.

-Do like that. -Okay.

That's the focus.

-It says "focus" right there. -Oh, okay.

You can try it if you want, just hit the button there.

Okay.

I'd like to get a camera.

-Yeah? -It's pretty cool.

Taking pictures of your friends, you know?

Yeah, people are a little harder, you know?

It's kind of hard to get 'em in the best light all the time, you know?

Really?

Guess you just gotta try.

[Josh] you see in the thing in the center there, Kind of focusing up in the middle, -That little dot? -[Boy] yeah, yeah.

And you just [clicks tongue], snap away.

All right, well, thanks for your time. Appreciate it.

Oh, no problem.

-I guess i'll see you around? -Yeah, see me around... trees.

[Boy] keep on taking pictures of trees.

-Yeah. -Guess i'll see you later.

All right, man, take care. Watch out for the wolves.

[Boy] okay.

I'm not gonna give you credit for that shot, i'm gonna use it.

I'm just kidding. It's just a joke.

-Oh, okay. -It's a photographer joke.

-I really don't even care. -Oh, okay.

-Hey. -Hey.

Who's, um-- Who's that?

That is a future gang banger Who just had, like, a minute of hope in his life.

[Chuckles] wow.

You could use just a little bit more optimism.

Speaking of which, i got your test results back, And you're all good. You're one clean guy.

Ah, let me see that. Let me see that.

Ah, hepatitis b, negative.

Htlv, negative.

Cytomegalovirus, negative.

Hallelujah.

Cystic fibrosis, negative.

I have no idea what thalassemia is, But i'm glad i don't have it.

This is good. Glad to hear it.

Fine, so...

so, you want to go celebrate?

Okay, sounds good. It's just, um--

I'll take you out to dinner to that sushi place you keep talking about.

You know, that--

You want to take me to... listen, josh, now that you're clean and healthy, I think there's a few other steps we need to talk about.

[Both chuckle]

Right, but we're not exactly going to do that before dinner, are we?

So...

charlie may be a woman, josh, But i'm with her.

Maybe somehow this doesn't feel real to you Because she's not a guy.

She's as real as any guy i've ever known.

Want me to get up in that tree?

Gonna take some risks, huh?

Why not?

Life's full of them, right?

All right, you're gonna have to help me here.

Oh, god.

Aah!

-[Dogs barking] -See, they don't like me going up either.

It's all right, one step at a time, there you go.

Okay.

Okay, that's good, that's good.

All right, that's good.

Let's get this on.

How's this?

Oh, yeah, look at you. Oop, i gotta get my... damn setting on here.

Oh, you look great.

[Camera clicks]

Hey, uh, i was sorry about charlie's paintings And whatever happened that day.

Oh, it's fine, she's just--

They're important to her.

She lose somebody?

How do you know?

I could just tell.

Her father.

He died when she was ten.

They used to travel here all the time for business, And he'd take her along, And then he'd take her to this park or something.

So, all those broken images you see Are just her trying to recall the one place she remembers sharing with him.

What?

I don't know if it ever actually really existed, Or is it something that she needs to remember.

It's real.

You don't search that hard for something that's not real.

Yeah.

Okay, i think i'm ready to get down.

Here you go.

-All righty. -All right, thanks.

You're welcome.

Hey listen, um... tomorrow with my parents, Just keep that whole donating thing off the table, okay?

Oh, we're gonna do the old "ex drops into town" routine, huh?

Right.

[Water running]

Hey.

Sorry, i didn't--

Yeah, you thought it was cerina.

No.

No, i was actually looking for the kitchen, I was just trying to--

Kitchen, that way.

So confusing in here sometimes.

I'm just-- I want to raise a toast And say i'm so happy i'm at the--

-Try that back. -[Man] thank you, thank you.

[Man] that was well done. Well toasted.

-Thank you. -Cheers.

I would just-- I'm really so happy That my parents came to visit, And i have my brother with me, And um, my charlie, And us friends.

-Josh, it's an-- -[Josh] an old friend.

-Old friend. -So, josh, so what--

What brought you back up here?

[Josh] well, actually, it was so weird, because We just happened to run into each other and just--

No, wait a minute.

Would you stop touching me now?

Did you tell them about the--

You're-- I was just gonna tell them about that time When you got so drunk.

-What, what's wrong? -No.

-Did i do anything wrong? -You kinda did.

I'm not used to this kind of touching all the time.

I'm showing you affection, that's all.

Yeah, but it's too much.

Girl's parents are here. Can you step away a little bit?

So remind me of your first names again.

I'm not so good with names.

-Ben. -Ben and...

-i'm jon. -Ben and jon.

I should be able to remember that.

Yeah, it's easy. Like "bj."

-Thank you so much. -Yeah, yeah.

-Thank you. -This was so much fun.

-Are you kidding me? -It was hysterical.

She's commented on my hair like ten times.

-You're kidding me, that's-- -What do you expect her to do?

You know when she says she likes something, that means she hates it.

[Mom] so, josh, it's great to see you.

It's so nice to see you.

[Josh] yeah, no, it's great to see you guys.

-You never change. -You're so sweet, josh.

Oh, i am, okay.

You look really well, hon.

You're still digging on my sister, huh?

Wow. It must be pretty weird living under the same roof With a girl that you totally want And knowing she's completely shacking up with another hot chick.

No? Well, like, what do you do to get her back?

Do you act more masculine or do you act more feminine?

It's, like, hard to figure out.

[Mom] and you too, josh.

We'll have to facebook friend each other.

-[Josh] oh, yeah. -[Woman] oh, no, that's unnecessary.

-That'd be pretty funny. -[Cerina] mom.

Why are you being so jealous?

-I'm not jealous. -Yeah, you are.

-These are my friends. -Oh, my god.

Here we go. I can't believe you're such an ass right now.

-This is not working out. -I guess not.

Cerina, honey, i miss our museum trips so much.

Yeah, any time. You just let me know.

You know, you're the busy one.

Who's your favorite artist, then, lizzie?

Oh, uh, matisse.

[Charlie] i actually studied matisse in college.

Did matisse for my last semester in art college.

-I love his work. -That's-- That's sweet.

So-- So-- Can we plan something? I'd love to.

The three of us, you, me, and leo, like old times.

Well, let's bring charlie. She could teach us a few things.

[Lizzie] just maybe the three of us, i thought.

-Or just a-- -Mom.

-This is too much for me. -What? Too much, what?

That's exactly what it says in the stages of coming out.

Oh, my god, what are you, my therapist now?

John, we're just touching. What are you talking about?

Just touching. All of a sudden that's acceptable?

What, was i sticking my tongue down your throat or something like that?

Straight to tongue with you, right?

[Lizzie] so i really want to hear more about your photos.

[Josh] well, i actually took a couple of her while i was here And they look really cool.

[Lizzie] you know, you used to take the best photos Of you two together.

Yeah, well, um, that was a long time ago.

[Lizzie] yeah, it was like, i don't know, But they were wonderful.

-Just, you know. -Take it easy.

The other thing, that's like your third glass.

[Cerina] please have my back. You're my brother.

-I do have your back. -I asked you to--

-But do me a favor. -Don't call me out.

I won't call you out, but next time you do a dinner party, Take a cooking class first, okay?

You're an asshole.

I am loving this, guys, honestly.

-It's really-- -Don't we make a cute couple?

You do look cute. Jon!

Rethinking the whole sperm--

This is not a mnage trois, jon.

I'm not sure what's going on here.

I just want to talk to you about the thing... all right, we can-- We can talk.

You want to go in the other-- You want to go in the kitchen and talk?

How about the bedroom?

So what have you been up to lately, charlie?

Um, i mean, i'm just-- I'm still working at the tattoo parlor.

Ah, so, i wanted to know more about What you're doing creatively.

You were always so creative.

-Mom. Mom. -[Woman] wait.

[Josh] you know, there's a couple of pieces that charlie has That i looked at, and i thought Should be in a museum.

No, seriously. There's one, though, she's got a real eye For dimension, you know, 'Cause in the thai culture there's an art To taking two dimension and making it look almost kind of three dimensions.

She's actually kind of got a skill like that that i think's pretty impressive.

Well, i don't know about that.

You're so creative, josh.

Well, so's charlie.

[Lizzie] i really can't wait to see your photos.

You will have to send me some.

Facebook! [Chuckles]

Your mom and i have a long drive.

Yeah, about a four hour drive, So you know, i get a little bit of a migraine, you know...

-do you want something for it? -No, no, no.

-I have my own medication. -She's gonna sleep in the car.

And i'll drive, and you'll be fine.

-I do like the cut, honey. -Oh, good.

-You look great, honey. -Thanks.

Your straps show a little bit, there you go.

-Yeah, so we'll have to-- -Something.

If you-- If your head is hurting i can give you something, i really can--

[Lizzie] it's okay. Yeah, i'm fine.

-No, she'll be fine. -Dad, you know when she says she's fine she's not fine.

-No, i'm fine. I'll be fine. -No, she'll sleep in the car, And you know, if we need to stop somewhere on the way, -We can-- -I have stuff here.

I mean, it's perfectly okay.

You're making my head worse, darling, it's hurting.

-I'm just trying to help. -No, it's-- I'll be fine.

I don't know, maybe it was something in the soup.


I gotta get this uncomfortable dress off.

I'm going now.

[Door closes]

I didn't know you were taking those sneaky photographs that you were talking about.

You'll have to show 'em to me.

Like to see 'em.

All right, i'll show 'em to you.

I think he was drinking a little bit.

Maybe i should go walk with him out there.

That'd be nice, you know.

[Door closes]

Yes, yes.

Amigo, yes, yes.

Hey, how's it going?

You all right?

What are you doing here?

I just saw you walked off, So i thought, you know, I'd come by and say hi.

You all right? You feelin' okay?

Feelin' all right. How are you feeling?

Doing all right. Yeah.

You taking the-- You gonna take the train?

-No, i'm gonna walk. -You'll walk.

You live far from here?

10 minutes that way.

Well... you know those girls are my best friends, right?

Yeah.

What you guys are getting into, it means a lot to them.

Yeah, i know.

It's an honor, you know that.

Yeah, i get that it's an honor.

Yeah, i got it.

You look like a straight-Up guy to me.

But let me tell you something, decisions are difficult.

-I agree. -Even the easy ones.

You know, you want to go to a strip joint, Or you want to go to a volleyball court.

They may seem easy on the surface but even those have got repercussions.

I'm a repercussed person, josh.

I've been repercussed, Because of my decisions, you understand.

Sometimes the most difficult choice, josh, Is... making a choice.

Am i making myself clear?

Um, a little bit.

Those are cool dogs.

Wanna go get a drink?

-What? -Wanna get a drink?

All right, you-- All right.

Wait a minute.


Aww.

Jon's first sleepover.

Our baby's grown up.

[Clears throat loudly]

[Coughs]

Morning.

Oh, brother.

What?

I'm just reading the dos and don'ts on this sperm donor thing.

Did you miss the "don't be a donor for your ex-Girlfriend" part?

No, look.

-"Parking is available." -No, below that.

"You need to have a minimum of 48 to 72 hours abstinence Because this will provide the specimen with the highest optimal sperm count.

If the specimen is provided with less abstinence than 48 hours, The sperm count will be decreased by varying percentages, And therefore may not be approved By the basb quality standards."

Well, he's been here for three days.

So?

Well, so he can't have done...

oh, no, he wouldn't have. No way.

He was outside the bathroom when i was taking a shower.

He was what?

And i think he thought it was you.

Really?

Well, i mean, you're just going to have to ask him.

I can't do that.

Of course you can.

What's the problem?

Are you more comfortable with the vernacular?

I don't know, say, "been answering the boner phone lately, josh?"

"Been walking willie the one-Eyed wonder worm?"

"Spanking the monkey?"

Or "shaking hands with the unemployed?"

I'm gonna have to talk to him.

"Hand-To-Gland combat?"

"Doing the roman helmet rumba?"

"Squeezing the cream from the flesh twinkie?"

Oh, god, that is disgusting.

Did you sleep okay?

Yeah, it was fine, thanks.

'Cause we... kinda just fell asleep--

No, i think we must've just fallen right asleep there.

-Yeah, we did. -I was just out.

-I was pretty tired. -Tired, really tired last night.

Must've been from walking a lot, 'Cause we just kept walking the whole time.

We did, right?

I don't think we did anything else, we just walked.

-Around town. -That's cool, i needed some exercise.

Had a little bit to drink, and that was pretty good.

That's why-- You know, you say things when you're drunk, So-- It's kind of funny, but it's all good, it's all good.

You know, you forget those kind of nights.

I didn't really say anything, 'Cause i was sleeping.

Babe! Come on, we've gotta go.

Sorry, i just had to pack a few things, food and stuff, so... food and stuff?

It's josh in the porn rag room, It's not shakespeare in the park.

I know, this is for later.

I just-- I thought we'd go to petaluma after he's done.

Such a girl.

Josh!

Hey, we gotta go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right. Just a minute.

Are you okay?

Fine, fine.

No, you're not. I know you better than that, So what is it?

Well, i-- It's just--

Do you have any idea what they've called these rooms i gotta go into?

Masturbatoriums?

Exactly.

Now i gotta go down there, strut through this long white hall With these hot nurses--

There's no hot nurses.

I know, i know. I'm just doing that So i can deal with this for a minute.

I gotta go down this hall with some somewhat good-Looking women To a room with a neon sign above it that says "masturbatorium."

I mean, come on, that's like a freudian nightmare.

Josh, did you not think this through?

I thought it through most of it.

Look, i don't remember you ever having a problem Being naked in front of anybody.

Yes, exactly.

If nurse heidi were to come into that room with me, You could sell freakin' tickets.

I mean, as a matter of fact, i think with that slight adjustment, Business would be a-Boomin' down at the bay area sperm bank.

Josh, how did you think the sperm was gonna get in me?

Look, if he doesn't want to do it, Then we just kick him and his gun-Shy great white knuckler out of here.

Enough with the euphemisms.

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

Maybe the reality of it all just hit him, you know?

A week ago, he was just an artist roaming free And now...

oh, look.

What?

We can do this at home.

There's a punch in the munchkin home kit?

I'm sorry, i just wanted to use that one.

I mean, we can do this here. He doesn't have to go into the office.

That means... we have another option.

Yeah, but we have an hour to get it to the office.

We can make it. Straight shot down the freeway.

Sorry, i'm just visualizing us shooting down the freeway.

We can do it.

We can do it!

I'm driving. You're holding it.

This is so much better.

Well, even i know he's not gonna want us standing out here.

-He can't hear us. -I can hear you.

This is not so much better.

We can get nurses' outfits.

Hey.

Hey.

Look, um... you don't have to do this if you don't want to.

That's not it.

'Cause if there was a time to go, josh, it would be now.

You know there are ledges in life that we walk on and... sometimes if you cross over one, It's bloody hard to get back.

I used to think i could see those ledges pretty well, you know?

And then sometimes life is sort of... you know, screws up your depth perception or something.

[Charlie] what is this about?

[Cerina] i don't know exactly.

He left a note.

He always used to leave notes, Said they were more personal than phone messages.

This note said, "if two walk east three blocks, Then two turn right four blocks, Then two will become three."

That's horrible.

Oh, there he is, mr. Notes-R-Us.

Well, you figure it out.

Wouldn't go that far.

Yeah, um, why are we here, josh?

What's with the park?

Okay, well, first off i brought you here Because i wanted to apologize for the other day.

Because i didn't read the fine print, And, uh, it kinda threw me off.

This clinical thing... i don't know, maybe i just need to wrap my head around it a little bit.

But in the meantime, i thought maybe, possibly, We could do a little bonding.

Bonding.

Like... like what kind of bonding?

Well... [clears throat]

...in some countries, they chop down trees to bond, But i didn't think, you know, berkeley would be too good with that.

So i got a better idea: sports.

Josh, sports?

And, in honor of our british team here, I brought along a soccer ball.

Or better known in your country as a football.

Yeah, we're not german, and that's not a football.

This? Are you sure?

[Charlie] i'm sure.

I don't know, it's a little round, like a football.

It's got air in it. It bounces.

It's pretty similar.

Don't want to discriminate.

You do realize you've totally just met your match.

Ohh!

Badass, all right.

Oh, i shouldn't have fallen for that.

™ you make me giddy

™ i want to stay up all night... ♪ Hey, where'd you learn them tricky feet--

I'll show you how they do it in north london.

Oh, you show me. I'll show you how we do it in north america.

™ you make me giddy I want to show you my favorite poems ♪

™ and then you would go and write me your own ♪

™ you make me giddy

™ i want to light up your life ♪

™ like you blazed into mine ♪

™ and together we'd burn the place down ♪

™ you make me giddy, don't make me wait around... ♪ All right, come on, ready? This is called...

♪ you make me giddy

™ i want to start a revolution... ♪ You've gotta kick with the inner part Of your foot, babe, not your toe.

Come on down. Come and get it.

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, damn it.

™ i want to spread out my wings ♪

-™ and go do bigger things... -Where's the ball?

™ and i'd fly and i'd sing about love... ♪ They aren't gonna make a good mommy doing that.

™ in our kingdom would be ringing ♪

™ you make me giddy

™ i want to light up your life ♪

™ like you blazed into mine ♪

™ and together we'd burn the place down... ♪

Good job, babe. Proud of you.

Sexy?

[Leo] like, what are you doing?

Seriously, man. I've been dying to ask you that.

Like, what are you doing?

[Josh] with what? What do you mean?

[Leo] you know this thing with cerina and charlie, It's for real, right?

They're each others'. I mean, This isn't like a college experiment or anything like that, -I mean-- -I get that it's not a college experiment.

Okay, well, i spend a lot of time with her, You know, and believe in lesbian love now for real, So they're-- They're the real deal, man.

I mean, you get it, right?

-I mean-- -Yeah, okay, i get it.

-All right, we're cool? We're cool? -We're cool, brother.

All right, man, cool.

-All right, no problem. -[Laughs]

-No problem. -All right, man, see you around.

You want to race back to the car?

No, go ahead, man. I'm gonna get a drink of water.

All right. See you back there.

All right, see you. See you.

[Cerina on recording] hey, you've reached cerina and charlie.

Leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Bye-Bye!

[Beep]

Hey, cerina and charlie, it's josh.

Um...i'm sure you noticed that, uh, My stuff was gone, And, um... i was gonna leave you guys a note, but i just... i couldn't think of anything witty to say.

So i guess this is my next bravest step.

You both, uh-- You're really something.

I came in not knowing what to expect from you two And... i guess i'm leaving not knowing what to expect from me.

I'm flattered and honored that you felt i was--

[Sighs] that i was worthy of this great thing That you two are doing.

And i'm sorry if i didn't live up to that.

But i wish you both the best... because if anybody's capable of it, it's you two.

Okay. Bye.


[Jon] you're starting to be too nice to me, grandma.

[Grandma] no, i'm not being nice to you.

I'm telling you that that's the way i see it.

You think i would be a good father, grandma?

I think you'd have things to learn, but so does every dad.

And there's those things that come up that are unexpected, And you're pretty good in an emergency.

I don't think i can handle emergencies, grandma.

Oh, well, you don't have to worry about emergencies.

If they come, you have a react-- You know, you go for it Right there and then, that's all there is to it.

You don't even have to think about it ahead of time.

Because you don't know when it's gonna happen.

You don't know what it's gonna be.

I can't be a good father, grandma.

The responsibility means that you're gonna have to stay sometimes When it's very uncomfortable And you don't want to stay.

So it's growing up. It's called growing up, And-- And i know you're a man.

See, i wouldn't worry about that part of it.

Just ease off a little bit.

You're worthy of this.

Why do vaginas even exist?

[Grandma] say it again?

I said, "why do vaginas even exist?" Grandma.

Why do vaginas even exist?

Well, um... [clears throat]

Explain that to me, because i don't know

[Stammers] what it means To like or dislike a vagina.

I'm just a little confused. It's a long story, grandma.

What's wrong with what i'm doing?

[Jon] it's beautiful. I love it.

All right, then what's wrong?

Stay with it, babe.

I think i might be gay.

Well, that doesn't mean you can't be a good father.

Thanks, grandma.


[Door opens, closes]

-Hi. -Hi.

Just gonna talk to that guy.

-Go for it. -Thanks.

Josh?

How are you?

I'm all right.

What are you doing here?

You're not an easy man to find, i'll tell you that.

Nice store, though.

Pays the rent.

Oh, yeah?

I'm not sure i finished my story the other night.

-Story? -Yeah.

I was watching a movie the other night, With cowboys.

And this one cowboy rides into a town, And he's big and he's strong, And you think he's gonna help them.

And he does.

I was thinking, though, can you imagine if the cowboy decided To get back on the horse, Before he helped everybody out, And rode out of town?

That's not a happy ending, josh.

I guess in this movie the cowboy goes back to his ranch, Hangs out, and thinks, "maybe i should have helped those lesbians."

What kind of movie would that be, josh?

Not the happy ending i would like.

And i think sometimes we need happy endings.

Especially when the cowboy's big and strong.

That, um--

That's a pretty-- That's a crappy story.

He was a big, strong cowboy.

Disco inferno?

That is a really nice shirt.

It's eight bucks.

I'll give you five for it.

™ everywhere you go, you're always looking back ♪

™ every tear you shed is dry... ♪

[Cerina on recording] hey, you've reached cerina and charlie.

Leave a message and we'll get back to you as soon as we can.

Bye-Bye! [Beep]

[Josh] hey, cerina and charlie, it's josh.

I'm, uh, back in town, And i really wanted to talk to you guys.

So i was thinking tomorrow morning at maybe 10:00, You could meet me up at tilden park.

It's up at the top of alvarado road.

I'll be waiting right past the basketball courts there.

[Cerina] charlie, wait up!

[Charlie] i'm going to find him.

Why? Why are you so angry?

Just because you like him doesn't mean that i have to!

It doesn't mean i still like him.

And why don't you like him?

Why, cerina?

Well, because he's an artist, and he's a little bit off the wall, And a little bit crazy?

Or is it because he's free?

Look, he can't just turn up here And make me feel all understood for a moment And then just leave!

[Indistinct chatter]

-Charlie... -There he is.

Hey.

Why are you even back here?

You already left.

I told you when you should go.

I know.

I know you did, and i'm sorry, And that-- That's why i'm back.

Oh, so you--

So you can tell us some more--

Some more beautiful lies about life.

Charlie, none of those were lies.

Then what was?

My bravery.

Always seems to be the first thing to go when you're... confused about your feelings for somebody.

So you did come back here because you still have feelings for her.

Yes.

Yes, maybe, at first i did.

And then i met you.

And i saw you two together...

and i guess that's what i wanted to have.

And i suppose i thought i'd never--

I'd never get it if i didn't know why she left.

You tell him.

You tell him, cerina.

Yeah, you can.

You don't make a word of it up. He needs to know.

He needs to know so he can move on with his life.

And it might be done now, But he needs to know that for--

For a moment, at least, he was important to you.

And that for a moment, he did good.

If you don't tell him that, he's just gonna keep searching And staying and waiting...

and waiting.

Tell him.

I don't-- I don't know why we--

All come together.

I can't even piece together why We fell apart.

Maybe i chase what i'm most afraid of.

Maybe i got scared and i ran.

I ran before you could see my flaws, Before you would run.

The people that you remember, that you look back on, They leave a mark, Whether a wrinkle or a scar... but you'll always-- You'll always remember.

And i know right now what i want.

Maybe i didn't know then but now i know.

I know i don't want to be without you.

Charlie.


-[Josh] where'd you get that? -[Charlie] what?

-That hurt going in? -Yeah, a little bit.

My god, ooh, don't do that.

You ever done, like, a paint fight before?

No, and i don't want to have one here.

No, we could have a paint fight, it's great.

Yeah, no, i--

Do you paint?

[Josh] um... can we, like, do, like, a rainbow on you?

You cannot paint my face.

Oh, come on, i mean, just a little--

No, you don't. I'll get you.

All right, all right, all right, all right.

No, okay, okay, okay. I got it, i got it.

What's up?

Um...

i want to talk to you.

[Music playing]


Hey.

-Morning. -Good morning.

-Good morning. -Good morning.

-You crazy kids. -With the door open.

This one? Oh yeah, 'Cause when you close it it gets so hot.

Did i make you guys freeze last night?

-I'm the reader. -You're the reader.

-And you're the what? -She's the painter.


™ you've got a question your heart wants the answer to ♪

™ you feel it burning inside ♪

™ and i would hold it for you if you'd ask me to ♪

™ if you could swallow your pride ♪

™ you'd see love

™ love

™ lo-Oo-Ve

™ if you could open your eyes to the truth of things ♪

™ you'd see we're all made of light ♪

™ even winter gives birth to a breath of spring ♪

™ you only see stars at night ♪

™ you'd see love

™ lo-Oo-Ve

™ love

™ you'd see love

™ love

™ lo-Oo-Ve

™ you'd see love

™ you'd see love

™ i'll patch the holes in your heart ♪

™ glue together the broken parts ♪

™ don't forget

™ you're a part of my love ♪

™ you'd see love

™ love

™ lo-Oo-Ve

™ you'd see love

™ love

™ love

™ you'd see love

™ you'd see love ♪

™ see love

™ you'd see love

™ you'd see love ♪

™ you'd see love.