Semi-Pro (2008) Script

# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #

# Ooh #

# Baby, who's ready to lick me sexy? #

# Uhh uhh #

# Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy #

# Love me sexy! #

# Come on girl, yeah #

# It's me, Jackie Moon #

# Give me that look, that's right #

# Let's get sweaty, let's get real sweaty #

# I'm talkin' rainforest sweaty #

# I'm talkin' swamp sweaty #

# Let's fill the bathtub full of sweat all right #

# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? Uhh! #

# Baby, are you ready to lick me sexy? Uh! Uh! #

# Baby, wake up we're naked #

# And we're humpin' sexy #

# Come on girl #

# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? Uhh! #

# Love me sexy #

# Baby, are you ready to lick me sexy? #

# Uh! Uh! # # Lick me sexy #

# Take off your shoes and suck me sexy #

# Suck suck suck, suck, suck me sexy #

# Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy #

# Whoo! # # Sexy #

# I wanna do a little thing wit' you #

# I wanna do a little thing wit' you #

# When I say "love me" you say "sexy" #

# Love me #

Sexy. Oh yeah Flint Tropics crowd!

Get it goin'. It feels good doesn't it?

I see some ladies up there who wanna love me sexy.

Jackie Moon soaking up a robust round of applause... as he finishes up his once-popular song Love Me Sexy.

I'm Dick Pepperfield, joined as always... by former Tropics forward Lou Redwood.

Yeah I might suit up tonight.

Sometimes I still dream of glory Dick.

Well, sometimes dreams can turn into nightmares, Lou.

What's your problem?

And now the starting lineup...

...for your Flint Michigan Tropics!

At Ball Girl measuring 34-23-34... she hopes to be an astronaut one day...

I don't think she can do it.

Put your hands together for Melinda!

Go Tropics!

From South Bend Indiana... this guy has a heart of gold his brother's a retard.

He reads to him and paints him pretty pictures...

Scootsie Doubleday!

Scootsie Doubleday taking the court now.

Yeah his brother is really retarded.

Ronnie Doubleday.

He has all three major kinds of retardation.

This guy is single and disease-free no V.D. at all... but you could be the lucky girl to give it to him!

Six foot five!

Twiggy Munson!

Of course he's disease-free.

What chick wants to be with a guy that's hung like a twig?

Well that's not true. I've heard a lot of women say... that they actually prefer a small penis.

Show me one gal who says that and I'll show you a liar.

I'll introduce you to Mrs. Pepperfield later on tonight.

Oh Jesus here we go.

Your man in the middle... seven foot two... from a weird country called Lithuania.

He's ugly as shit.

Vakidis! Go daddy!

This fella scares me. Yeah!

That little kid from the Jackson Five he scares ya too.

Oh mark my words Lou... there's something creepy about that young man.

Bobby Dee where's Clarence?

Nobody's heard from him. Come on Tropics!

Bee Bee!

You're startin'.

From Peoria Illinois... this guy what can I say about him?

He's got the hottest girl in the world I'm not kiddin'.

Cannons people. Big ol' boobies.

The luckiest man in Flint-- Bee Bee Ellis!

Well, it's true about what they say about Bee Bee's wife.

She has got a tremendous set of boobs.

To me they're too large.

Oh they're perfect.

I don't know they--To me she looks structurally unsound.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for.

At six foot five a solid meaty 215 pounds... your pregame announcer, your owner, your coach... your pop-singing sensation, but most importantly... your power forward... yours truly, Jackie Moon!

All right!

Jackie Moon always gives himself... a fantastic introduction.

Yeah, why not, Dick? Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

It's his team, his money and his tunnel of beautiful ball girls.

Oh speaking of money Lou did you get paid this week?


You lose weight Father Pat?

Fuck off Jackie.

All right guys huddle up. Vakidis!

What is he doin'? You know what? Fuck it.

Listen I promised these fans a show tonight all right?

Twiggy, if you get a dunk tonight try to break that backboard all right?

We'll get that on the news. All right.

Let's bring it in, it's showtime right? Let's get...


Go Tropics!

Right here right here right here!

I don't like it.

Back! Back!

Clear! Yep that feels good. That feels--

Danny what are ya doin'? Nothin'. Eatin' nachos.

You get 'em from the concession stand?

Nah I brought 'em from home. What? Uh-uh.

No no no no no.

Oh come on!

What? Travel!

He brought nachos from home. Tryin' to run a business here.

You can't call that. Jackie you gotta dribble... if you're gonna move.

What are you talkin' about?

Basketball rules. Fine.

I got season tickets. I can do whatever the hell I want.

Oh yeah? Well I can do this.

And this.

And that!

Let's go Trops!

We are well underway and the big question Lou-- where is Tropics' leading scorer Clarence "Downtown" Malone?

I agree it's completely unprofessional, Dick.

Lou, can I ask you to please put out your cigarette?

No I like to smoke when I drink.

Hey so don't get all lonely on me now, people.

Come on down to Pet Galaxy.


So you make sure you tell 'em...

Sweet Sugar Dunkerton sent ya.

Hey! I'm open.


Gentlemen what can I get for you?

Hey wasn't that just you?

There on TV? You like that don't you?

That's cool huh?

Hey the TV say your name was Sugar Dunkinton.

How come your nametag don't say that?

'Cause I changed it.

"Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone.

Clarence! "Downtown".

I ain't never named no son of mine no "Downtown".

Well you know what? I can't hear a damn thing you sayin'.

Mm-hm. Every hear of a clock? It's 7:15.


OK Tropics fans it's time to guess today's attendance.

Is it A, 7254...

B, 8,506-- Go inside!

...or C, 91 ?


Look at that an easy lay-up there for the Nets. That's two points.

I'm thinking of getting one of these Jap cars like a Datsun.

Yeah. Put away the classifieds please, Lou, and let's focus.

All right, fans, let's hear it for "Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone!

Father Pat that guy's gotta check in the game all right?

I got it I got it.

Downtown wastes no time tagging out Bee Bee Ellis... and Munson passes him the ball immediately.

Downtown dribbles the ball through his legs--I love it when he does that.

He's making mincemeat of his defender here.

Downtown! If you want it! If you--Only if you want it!

You don't want it I can feel it. You don't want it OK.

That's right Nets.

You're not gonna stop it. Believe me we don't stop it in practice.

Let's do it! Come on come on come on!

Go! You got it.

He tosses a three--

And yes! Ha ha ha! Whoo!

Wow! That was quite a shot. Pounce!

Oh man! Yeah!

At halftime it's the Nets 62...

Flint Tropics 43.

All right, everybody, let's hear it for Tropical time... and let's hear it for Busch Bavarian.

If you're gonna drink a beer, you might as well make it Busch Bavarian.

Ladies and gentlemen I want you to welcome this man... who's gonna attempt the impossible-- the $10,000 free throw... from the other side of the court. The Moon shot.

Right on. Ha. All right. Tell everybody... what's your name? Dukes. Ha ha.

All right Dukes. Dukes!

Dukes where ya from? Flint, Michigan... and I never missed a game!

Whoo! Go!

Dukes is homegrown.

I think you're on a little somethin' that's homegrown maybe, huh?

Ha ha ha. Ha. We're havin' fun.

Dukes what do you do for a livin'?

Um... nothin' right now.

Layin' low. Playin' it right.

What are you gonna do with all that money if you win? Maybe buy a shirt?

Ha ha. Yeah man a shirt. Ha ha!

Whoo! Dukes is excited!

So am I.

Come on let's go people. Let's get it goin'.

Cheer this guy on as he prepares for the impossible.

Well, we've got an especially dirty hippie here... down on the court tryin' to sink an impossible shot.

This is human drama at its best.

He's just focusing taking a moment to concentrate. That's OK.

Concentrate all you want.

Come on Dukes! All right.

Unh! Ohhhh--

No! Yes!

Holy shit I'm a miracle!



Father Pat he stepped on the line. He stepped on it.

No no it was legal. No, no... he stepped on the line You were lookin' at it. Come on.

Jackie he made the shot.

Who the hell has $10000?

Relax the beer company'll pay him.

They're not really a sponsor it just sounded professional.

Whoo! Look at this guy.

He's so hopped up on goofballs and grass... he's got no idea what's going on.

Holy crap. Tropical! Ha ha ha ha!

Hey congratulations to Dukes! Ha ha.

He just won a giant check-- Ha ha.

...that says $10000.


Whoo! Look at the size of that thing!

Go have yourself a ball!

Second half comin' up next!

Damn it!

# Hi # # Hello #

# Dee, dee #

# Get the funk outta my face #

# Get the funk outta my face #

# Get the funk outta my face #

# Get the funk outta my face #

# You don't like my music you don't have to use it #

# Funking is a thing that all of us release #

# You don't have to get it #

# All you do is let it #

# Then you'll know exactly how to groove #

Whoo. Ahh.


Hey Jackie. Gerard.

How are the knees doing? Feeling great.

Excellent. Are you drunk?

Very. Ha ha. Ha ha ha!

# Now he's back home doing 9 to 5 #

# Living his gray flannel life #

Hey, Jackie. Hey guys everything good?

Keep the drinks flowin'. You got it.

Whoo! # More more more #

Hey DJ! Where's the boogie?

I already played your song four times!

Paul get out.

Jackie no!

Jackie you can't keep doing this. I'm the DJ!

You gotta play it more than four times. You know the rules.

You're on snack patrol. Go.

You're a sexy town Flint.

Look at you I love it.


I swear if this Plexiglass wasn't dividing us right now...

I'd make sweet tender love to each and every one of you guys included.


Let me see a show of hands.

Who's got their funky passport on 'em?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

'Cause we're about to enter the nation of gyration.

You're goin' on snack patrol Paul.

# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? #

I like it Jackie I like it yeah! Whoo.

But you know what? That wife of yours has been making out... with that Mark Spitz-looking motherfucker all night!

Yeah that's OK. Stace and I have an open relationship.

Yeah I know that but look Jackie-- he's about to suck on her damn titties right here in front of all of these people!

Well she's hot right?

I mean we're freedom lovers.

Hey! Hey!

She's great.

I'm not jealous!

I mean it's a great deal for both of us.

Yeah, but have you ever slept with another woman?

I could. I mean that's the beauty of it.

No ball and chain here.

And say I get asked to come to an orgy right?

Mm? I just do it.

Jackie ha ha wait a minute.

Have you ever been to an orgy?

Are you crazy? I just got back from an orgy.

Some guy named Steve's house.

I'm exhausted.

I mean my wiener said to me "Jackie, I've had enough...

"of this orgy.

"Put me back in your underwear."

I'm tellin' ya man... that's the word on the street and the shit is messed up.

It's a dang shame.

I can't go back to working at that car wash. No.

I know there's some team out there that can use the services of...

"Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone you hear me?

I dig you, brother, but I heard the problem ain't just here in Flint.

It's the whole league that's goin' under.

Hey guys what's shakin'?

What's shakin'? Whole league goin' down... that's what's shaking. Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Hold on.

I don't know who you're talkin' to but business is boomin'.

Jackie come on man it's us. You ain't got to jive us, man.

I'm not jivin' you. I've never jived you my whole life.

Jackie come on you're jivin' us now by sayin' you don't be jivin' us.

OK well this time I'm tellin' the truth.

Put it on Scootsie's Bible. Mm-hm.

There you go just touch it.

No I'll do you even one better. Look me in the eyes.


Now if I give you the lowdown on somethin' can you keep a secret?

Yeah. Course.

Tomorrow mornin', I'm drivin' to Indianapolis for a league meeting-- whew-- possibly talking...

...merger. A m--A merger?

Flint Tropics in the NBA. Whoo!

The NBA? Us mergin'?

I'm Jackie Moon, I take care of you guys right?

I mean you can just think of me as Bambi's mother.

I make sure nothing bad'll happen to you.

Drink up this is a big night.

Hey drinks on me. Big night.


Bambi's mother got shot right?

Yeah first scene.

I remember that the credits were still rollin' and everything.

Who the fuck is Bambi?

Merger. Merger.


Jackie Moon. Jackie Moon.


Let's go. Let's do this.

Don't worry, Mom, I won't let you down.

I'll keep this team alive.


And our TV stations are complaining about all the fighting.

Let's try to keep the fights in the tunnel or out in the parking lot.

Uh we have one more piece of business to go over.

I'm sure you've all heard the rumors and they are true... the ABA will be merging with the NBA... at the end of this season.

Yes. Yes.

I did it.

I'm a real owner.

Please Jackie let go. I did it.

All right let's... not get too excited.

Yes! Give me ten Norton!

Everyone can eat shit!

A big bag of shit! Ha ha ha!

I'm the greatest man in the world!


The NBA has agreed to our financial demands... but there is something else-- You were right Mom.


Oh, I'm so happy I can't even feel my arms!

Ha ha ha! OK Jackie listen to me. Jackie?

Hey Jackie? Yes?

Four teams will be absorbed into the NBA next year.

The rest of the league will terminate operations.

Exactly. You know it.

Wait. Wait what did you say?

The Nets, the Spurs, the Pacers and the Nuggets... are gonna play in the NBA next season.

The rest of us are gonna dissolve. Dissolve?

What's "dissolve"? Ha.

Is that even a word? Ha.

Yes it is a word... and financially it means you'll cease to exist.

Let's don't get emotional about it. Just--




All right you're being--

Ohh...ohh-- Well Jackie. Jackie--

You--Don't bite yourself. Come on.

Jackie we agreed to a very large sum.

I don't want a large sum OK?

I want my team. Come on you guys... you're not gonna just sit there and take the money are you? Huh?


What do the Nets have that I don't have?!

The Nets have a huge fan base.

They got a brand-new stadium.

Solid economic growth package with great tax incentives.

Oh come on Alan that's bullshit!

The NBA's gonna take four teams Jackie.

This is a good deal.

Best four teams should go.

He's right. The season isn't over yet.

Hey, you know what? Yeah, everybody should have a chance.

That's the fairest way.

Aw gee whiz... that sounds like so much fun... fair and all.

But come on guys...

I mean look at what we're dealing with here.

This guy plays power forward for his own team, so--

But he has a point.

Why not make the terms of a merger performance-based.

Exactly. Huh?

What he just said. Yeah.

I move we vote on the terms of the merger.

I second. And what he--what that guy said.

But--What--What both those guys said.

God damn it Bob! I'm about to reach over there and tear you a new asshole!

Don't be a jackass.

It makes sense. Fuck you Bob! We talked this out!

I don't see a need for that kinda language.

Now if you wanna go outside right now...

I'll take both of you fuckers out right damn now!

We're not gonna fight we're gonna vote!

Let's vote! Let's vote... and then we'll fight!

Come on guys...

Come on guys... you should be juiced right now.

This is a chance to become a real NBA franchise.

Man get outta town.

Ain't no way in Sam Hill we gonna make it to fourth place.

Nope. Yeah Jackie... we have a horseshit record right now.

Yeah well we just need to start hittin' our threes OK?

That's not the problem Jackie. The problem is... we suck.

Scootsie you did not deserve that.

I know. I apologize.

Stop that shit man.

We do not suck OK?

I been doin' a lot of thinkin'.

Decided to add someone to our team to add some real firepower OK?

I think this guy could give us a new spark.

Now don't get mad.

At point guard-- At point guard?


I traded away our washing machine to get him.

He punches in bunches.

Ed Monix!

Toilet's clogged.

Hell no. You traded for Monix?


This guy's an old warrior come on.

Yeah he old.

He can shoot the basketball.

Most importantly, he actually agreed to come here.


It's a thrill to be in Flint. Uh s--smells Tropical in here.

Now, look, I know just about everyone... in this locker room has been punched in the face by this guy... at some point in time.

And maybe even one of us has... had his collarbone broken...twice.

Sorry Twig.

Thanks Ed.

Hey how are your mom and sister?

It's been about 12 weeks since I porked 'em.

Let's not talk about porking of the moms and the sisters... because we only have one rule on this team.

What is that rule Twiggy?


That's right E-L-E.

And what does "E-L-E" stand for?

"Everybody Love Everybody". "Everybody Love Everybody".

Right there up on the wall.

Got that Monix?

Nope. Great.

'Cause this isn't just a basketball team... this is a lifestyle.

Welcome aboard Monix.

Thank you. Good to be here.

All right.

Oh if you see a possum... try to kill it OK?

It's not a pet.

Welcome back to Tropics Weekly.

The ABA has announced... that the top four teams will merge with the NBA after this season.

Seizing the opportunity... owner/player/coach Jackie Moon has already made the first move... acquiring Ed Monix from the Kentucky Colonels.


I'm a pretty aggressive owner.

Uh when I heard Kentucky needed a washing machine I looked at ours... even though we need ours.

Uh I said "I gotta pull the trigger on this."

Hey honey! It seemed appropriate.

Guess who got traded to Flint? Who?


Why the hell would he want to come to Flint?

I have no idea.

Who cares right? I mean--

He's got an NBA ring and he's playing for the Tropics.

Can you believe that?

No I can't.

I'll get it.

It's like if you watch a porn movie doesn't mean you got laid.

No no. In fact it-- it often means the opposite.

Monix was an All-American at Michigan State... then went on to--

Hey. Hey.

You look great.

Why are you here?

Uh got traded. Yeah. Yeah.

I--I mean why are you--you here?

Can we talk?

Monix! Ha ha ha! Hey.

Oh what's up? Yeah.

That ol' jump shot of yours ain't broke yet, is it?

Not yet. Ha ha ha!

Oh man--Oh hey!

Great backdoor cut... for the lay-up against the Amigos last Friday night man.

Yeah ha ha. That's the way basketball should be played!

Yeah. Up there.

Yeah-- Too slow! Ha ha ha!

Hey can you give us a second please?

Yeah no problem. Thanks, Kyle.

Oh Monix!

Why does your boyfriend like me so much?

You're his favorite player.

I'd feel more comfortable if he hated me.

Listen I hope you didn't agree to this trade because of me.

What if I did?

Then you'd be stuck in Flint Michigan for no reason.

You know what?

You said you wanted to leave basketball at the top of your game.

When are you gonna quit?

I'm at the top of my game. I'm very close to the top.

I just got traded for a fuckin' washing machine. What am I talkin' about?

Good night Ed.

Thanks for the pep talk.

Ed Monix is a tenacious defender and he can hit the big shots.

Mm when he's not drunk. Which is never.

Look there's nothing in the rule book that says you can't play drunk.

No actually there is.

Remember those 30 rebounds against San Diego?

Yeah. I don't remember 'em.

Oh no.

Amaretto stone sours. Yes.

I will never believe that. All game long.

No way. I mixed 'em!

Doesn't leave the table.

Look guys you ain't gotta worry.

'Cause tomorrow when I get this cast taken off I'll be back on the team... and I will be rainin' down some threes!

Cornelius you're a good friend but that arm hasn't properly healed... and I've told you 100 times you're never gonna play for the Tropics.

You're a terrible athlete.

Come on man! I'm a excellent athlete. Look I broke this arm playin' for you.

No, you broke it playing with me in the driveway.

You can't even make a lay-up.

I'm an injured player man. I should be on the bench.

No you're not on the team.

Well in my fantasy life I'm on the team.

Well let's just keep it that way right?

Oh my God. What the fuck is that? It's incredible.

It's called fondue.

Fon what? Fondue.

Three different cheeses melted. That's what you're tasting.

Gorgonzola muenster and cottage.

It's the latest thing from Sweden apparently.

Well, I'm not surprised by that. The Swedes are so inventive aren't they?

Oh, they are. Yep.

They are my favorite producers of pornography.

They make an excellent fuck picture.

Well I think I'll excuse myself from this conversation right now.

To the men's room. Oh, stop it!

To make your wiener sing.

Boner machine.

I am not a boner machine now.

Swedish porn saved my life in 'Nam.

OK. Great here we go.

Come on! Fuck you guys! Let me get my violin.

Swedish porn was the only thing... that kept my mind off Charlie when I was in the shit.

Is the shit in Ann Arbor? 'Cause that's where you were during the war.

He really believes it. You were never in 'Nam--

Nope. Ha ha. jive turkey.

You just call me a jive turkey?

No. No he did not.

He uh called you cocksucker. Yeah.

Yeah. Right--Right Cornelius?

Yeah, yeah. I just called you cocksucker.

I'm pretty sure that you called me a jive turkey.

No, no. Now, Lou, nobody called anyone a JT.

Jive turkey is a little over the line my man!

Look we're all here.

We all heard what was said and we're in agreement.

Cornelius said cocksucker. Yes.

Right? Yeah.

He just said you suck cock. That's all he said about you.

Now come on. Dig into that fondue you little cocksucker.

We like playing games, don't we? We do we're playing one right now!

I'm gonna show you guys this game that I learned... when I was in fucking 'Nam! Oh no no no no!

Lou. Lou.

Who's the jive turkey now?

Ah ha ha ha ha!

Gun's not loaded!

You son of a bitch! It's not loaded! It's not loaded!

You shoulda seen your goddamn face!

Oh there's no bullets in there! I never load it!

The gun was not loaded.

I'll see you fuckers in hell!


Jackie, Love Me Sexy is the worst song I've ever heard.

Watch this! I did call you jive turkey.

He did!

I got one. Hey, Lou, I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield!


We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true.

My! Yeah. Especially that. More than the rest.

He's jonesing you. It never happened. Ha ha.

Hey. Bond. She's not ugly.

James Bond. Huh? Oh there it is.

How do you like your martini sir? Stirred, in--in a half-carafe.


He shoots himself. He shoots himself in the wiener.

Everybody OK? I think so.

Yeah. I'm fine.


We just literally dodged a bullet. Ha ha ha ha!

We sure did!

We certainly-- Except for Cornelius.


Oh ho ho. I did get shot!

Oh my God. Wow!

# Short people got no reason #

# Short people got no reason #

# Short people got no reason to live #

Come on everyone! Yeah!

What do they got Bobby? # They got little hands #

Yeah little hands.

# Little eyes # # Little eyes #

# Walk around telling great big lies # # Great big lies #

# They got little noses #

# And tiny little teeth # Tiny little teeth!

# Platform shoes on their nasty little feet #

# Well I don't want no short people # Let's go, Tropics!

I hate 'em. I don't want no short people! # I don't want no short people #

I'm talking about you Scootsie!

I'm just kidding man you're not that short.

You're the best.

I'm exaggerating.

Vakidis open the window will ya?

Yes right on.

Did you give Bobby Dee a hand job?

Yes right on.

# Oh, yeah #

Hey Jackie it's your wife!

Hey Stacey! Hey honey!

Oh hey lady.

# Mr. Big Stuff # Hi!

# You're never gonna get my love #

My God would you look at those?

Yes I will.

Oh! Mm!

That's what I'm talking about, baby.

Yes! Slow down!

Bye baby I love you.

Say Jackie. Yeah.

Have you ever even slept with your wife, man?

Are you kidding me? Come on. Yeah like every weekend.

And it's hot! Yeah I believe you.

I believe you lying. Ha ha ha!

Hey Monix... what were the Celtics like?

Well they were fast.

Fast? Man. Clarence should play for the Celtics then. That boy can fly.

Downtown, that's all he ever talk about.

"I'm goin' to the NBA, I'm goin' to the NBA." Every day he say that.

No, I don't. Why don't you just shut up man?

Say Monix why don't you let us see that championship ring, m Don't think nobody here ever seen... a championship ring before. Uh-uh.

All right. Yes sir.

Yes! Yo man let me see it!

Oh! Holy balls.

Oh my God look at this right here. "Champion" in sparkling gold.

Man why are you wearing that on your neck?

If I had a ring like that I'd have it on my finger every day... so the honeys could see it.

I'm not quite as flashy as you.

I just like wearing it around my neck that's all.

That's cool man. I hear that.

He should be embarrassed.


He sat through every playoff game.

Then he gonna walk around us with all the shine... like he some kind of hero or somethin'.

Oh come on Clarence. You're just actin' jealous.

Whatever. I ain't never rode the bench and then go call myself a champion.

Somebody need to snatch that ring off his sorry neck.

You wanna snatch it? Come on. I--

Be my guest. I don't think your knees can take it.

Hey! Hey I got a ring up here too. Mine says love.

Think about that.

Everybody love everybody!

Come on!

Eleven more hours to go.

Another easy basket for the Spirits.

Tropics with the ball.

Hey honey!

Jackie Moon waving to the fans as he makes his way down the court.

Keep it alive right here! Throw it in the blender.

He truly is a showman.

No! Changed my mind. Right back, though.

OK. OK. Right back to you. Give it back again!

You got it. No right back.

No? Yeah. Yeah. Whoa.

Sure? Yeah. Right back. Come on now. No.

Right back reset. Throw it to Papa.

No right back out. All right.

Right back. Right back. Here you go, Jackie.

Back to you. Right back though. You're right. OK.

Shoot! Whoo!

All right right on. Clear. Yeah.

You ready? No right back.

No? Yeah. OK clear.

All right I'm goin'. My turn.

Yeah I'll bet my alleged son he won't make this.

Jackie Moon finally making a move... and it is worth the wait! All day long! Whoo!

Way to go Jackie!

Traveling! No no no no! One and a half steps!

Come on, Jackie. You walked. Suck my cock! I'll murder your family!

You're gone Jackie Moon! What? What?

Jackie Moon is ejected from the game.

What did I say? You said "S my C ."

And one lucky fan will go home with a game ball.

That's your head next time.

You're a big baby Jackie. You cannot tell me to S my C .

Jackie Moon and the referee really going at it here.

I didn't say anything. You said "S my C ."

I barely raised my voice. I should call your mother.

You need a phone to heaven to do that.

Maybe your ma didn't go to heaven. Oh dear.

Oh. Oh my. Oh no.

OK. Everyone off the floor. Let's go. Tropics, let's go.

Why--No Jackie.

It appears a line has been crossed by Father Pat of all people.

Look Jackie I'm sorry. Stop the broadcast.

Jackie Moon is pulling his team off the court.

You forfeit this game Jackie if you keep walking.

That's fine. You threatened to kill my family!

God damn it, Pat. What the hell's wrong with you?

Don't get on your high horse Redwood.

You've got a lot of demons yourself.

Thank you for staying Dick.

No I am leaving.

I've thrown to commercial.

I have to be back in about 30 seconds or so but this is symbolic.

We go to church together.

Not anymore.

# Hey Flint Tropics welcome back #

# Give the Amigos a heart attack # I tried Jackie.

They won't take it.

Look, I--I don't know what your bank is telling you.

This is a real check. I signed it myself.

It's written in glitter man.

Can't you just you know like write me a regular-size check?

Maybe you should try a different bank. A big bank.

Bigger bank? That has a big check department.

That's what I'd do. OK.

Right? All right. Yeah.

Whoo Scootsie he is takin' you to town!

Whoo Scootsie he is takin' you to town!

Get him Twig. C'mon!

There we go.

All right guys. Hey listen up. Hey hey.

Let's go. Eyes up here. Turn that contraption off. Come on.

Look uh just got off the phone with the Commissioner.

He convinced the board to pass another merger rule.

We gotta average 2,000 fans per home game for the rest of the season.


Two thou every home game? Damn. What?

Commissioner says they're not gonna take a franchise that doesn't have fans.

He's being a real dick. Good Lord Jackie Moon.

Winning these games is gonna be hard but 2000 fans? Impossible man.

It's OK, Scootsie. 'Cause I got a plan. All right?

Now, you all know we're the ABA game of the week right?

Could be a lot of television cameras out there, so we just gotta be tiptop.

So what's the plan?

I brought a secret weapon.

It's gonna make us look extra cool on TV.

What the hell is that?

It's eyeliner dummy. Oh--

Now who's first? Monix?

Oh yeah. Just let me get a fresh Maxi Pad out of my purse.

Looks like Jackie Moon has brought a trick from Broadway to the court tonight.

Trap trap trap trap trap.

Point of no return. Go back. Go back.

Horse in the trailer. Nowhere to go.

Hey. Look at my eyes. No look at my eyes.

Are you scared? Tropical storm. Eye of the hurricane.

I'm gonna hypnotize you. I'm not gonna blink. I'm not gonna blink.

Look at me. Where you goin'? Where you goin'?

Jackie tips the ball away.

Twiggy picks it up and takes it in.

Two points, Tropics. Way to go Twiggy!

Make sure the camera gets your eyes!

This team is on fire--

Oooooh! ...early in the game.

Oh they're flaming all right.

Nice lay-up. Nice lay-up Twiggy huh?

Who's got character now? My confidence is sky-high right now.

Oh! Ohh! Ohh!

What's with Vakidis? Ohh! Ahh! Oh ha ha!

What the hell's wrong with Vakidis? I don't know man.

Oh shit! Your eyeliner's running.

Oh yeah. Yours is kinda smoky too.

All right everyone. Try not to sweat if you can.

Hell no. This--this shit burnin' already, man.

Yeah it kinda is. Goddamn.

Oh. I'm going to the bench man. Move!

What's happening? Shit!

The Tropics seem to be disabled in some way.

God it burns. Whoo!

Do they test this on animals or is that just a lie?

Feels like I got cat piss in my eyes!

Just open your eyes with your fingers guys. It's really nice.

Cock sandwich that hurts!

Fuckin' idiots. That feels really good.

Monix where's your makeup huh buddy?

Hey how come it says Monix on your jersey when your name's Pussy?

I was curious about this-- Fuck you, Petrelli.

Hey, hey, Monix! Get your hands off me!

Get back here! You little bitch! We're on TV!

I don't give a shit! Commissioner's watching.

You wanna kill the merger? C'mon. Everybody relax.

Looks like a little gentleman's disagreement on the court. Nothing big.

No these girls aren't gonna fight.

No but a little bit of a delay in play for a moment here.

What about during commercial?

Yeah I like it. Yeah it's good.

Uh, Father Pat, timeout. Timeout white!

It's a timeout on the floor with 9 minutes and 16 seconds left in the first.

The Tropics two the Amigos six.

And we'll be right back after these messages from Shasta.

And clear.

Somebody hit somebody!


Oh here we go.

Come on! Get him!

Ohhh this is a good old-fashioned bare-fisted brawl here on the court.

My goodness.

Look at the Russian bear go. Throwing people around like rag dolls.

Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends?

Oh, look at Monix take it to Petrelli. I wish the people at home could see this.

I could hurt someone.

New Red Apple Soda with a great taste and tingle they're still looking for.

# Why can't we be friends? #

# Why can't we be friends? #

# Why can't we be friends? # Get him! Get him!

# Why can't we be friends? Why can't we be friends? #

Honestly Dick I could watch this all day. This is terr--Oh, look at Father Pat!

Father Pat is getting the worst of a lot of this.

Ah! Stop!

# Why can't we be friends? # And we're back in three--

# Why can't we be friends? # ...two one...

Welcome back to your ABA game of the week.

I'll tell you, the spirit and camaraderie of this league... is on full display here tonight Lou.

Yeah yeah you got that right Dick.


Scoreboard's not looking good guys.

Think it's time for us to make some serious adjustments.

Here's the chalk Coach.

Huh? That's right. That's how frustrated I am.

OK? I can stand here and I can talk X's and O's all day long... but this is about something else.

We're not playing Tropical.

We're playing tight.

I mean if we just open up our hearts and let our passion come out... we can do anything.

You ready?

Now my wife has volunteered to bring our passion out.

Hello lady luck let negative static be gone.

# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? # Ow!

Whoo! Hello Stacey Moon!

Hey boys. Oh yeah.

All right. Whoo!

# Lick me sexy # Can you feel it?

Already a different locker room. Just like that.

Ha ha. There it goes.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.

This is the best idea I've ever had.

Great work Stacey.

Oh Twiggy welcome to the big city.

Ha ha. Ooh!

Jackie I don't--I don't know about this, Jackie.

Ha ha ha! Damn.

Believe it! This is happening!

Downtown. Yeah.

Yeah you can call me Downtown.

Oh! Nice jumpin' joint! Aah! Ha ha ha!

Pep talk! All right. What team's in a rut now?

Not the Tropics anymore no sirree. We got strong--

Jesus this guy's a bummer.

Does anybody here wanna talk about the fucking game?

Hey. Watch your language. Not in front of my wife.

Uh sorry Mrs. Moon.

Come on, man. Trying to bring the love into the room and all you do is complain.

My wife is standing here naked. What more do you want me to do?

Listen Jackie th--there is no shortcut to winning.

You can't buy it you can't pray for it... and you can't stare at your wife's ass and start hitting three-pointers.

We need a game plan Jackie.

So he the expert. He should know.

He done seen the game from every angle... sittin' on the bench. Damn!

Hey, guess what? The Celtics weren't just all-stars, they were a team. A team!

As opposed to a bunch of selfish assholes tryin' to look cool every night.

I mean call us what you want to... but we ain't never sat around and pretended like we some champions.

Yeah you got a little ring and all but you personally you ain't won shit.

Clarence I want you to have this ring... as a token of what you will never achieve.

Champion or not, at least I played the game.

And I got news for you Clarence... for all your flash you are never gonna play in the NBA.

You are pissing your career away.

And one day you're gonna look back on your life... and you're gonna realize that you never even learned how to play basketball.

Oh jeez!

What the hell?


Get your hands in the air.

Monix bail's been set.

Lynn can I ask you a favor?

Oh you mean besides bailing your ass outta jail?

Lynn no one can drain it like you.

I think I drained all I can out of there.

That hurt? Mm. Not really.

How about that? Ah...yeah.

Good. Ha.

Listen uh this is long overdue but I wanna apologize.

For what?

For uh you know back then we had some problems.

Oh did you wanna apologize for cheating on me?


Hey I cheated on you once.

There--There just happened to be two girls there ha ha.

Still not funny? Still not funny.

And where's the necklace I made you?

Monix it was the high point of your career.

Riding the bench? You didn't just ride the bench.

Who did the Celtics practice against?

Second stringers. Second stringers... and every day you pushed your team to the limit.

I know I was there I was the one working on your stupid knee.

I didn't deserve that ring Lynn.

I hardly played. I was never the guy to hit the big shot.

Wanna know why things didn't work out between us?


You hate yourself so much it's impossible to love you.

Wow .

Kinda brutally honest.

Did we have some fun?

You're kind of fun.

Didn't we?


What are you doing? There he is.

Whoo ooh. Ha ha.

Been lookin' all over for you. 'Bout time... you scored somethin'. Ha ha.

See ya later Ed. 'Scuse me guys.


Uh doin' your girl in the locker room huh? Classy.

What are you guys doin' here? Ahem.

We want you to coach the team.

What? You know the game better than Jackie.

I'm flattered but I don't think Jackie would be too happy about this.

Come on don't worry about Jackie. I mean I got this.

OK Tropics hustle up.

Five six seven eight.

One and two and three and four and turn like you mean it.

Arch that back Bee Bee.

I like it. Whoo! Good rotation.

Beautiful seahorses.

Leg kick Scootsie.

Nice! And freeze it.

And then we start the game.

Now when I say freeze it... you guys gotta freeze it OK?

Hey! Hey.

You're back. All right.

We got a extra costume right over there for you.

I'm not here to do wh--whatever this is. What is this?

What is this? Ha ha.

Come on man this is-- this is the future of basketball OK?

This is entertainment. You'll get it. You'll catch on.


Look Jackie. Now don't get mad but some--some of us got together... and we asked old Monix if he'd teach us a little bit.

Wait what do you mean teach us?

I teach you guys things. Like expert choreography and stuff.


We wanna give Monix a chance to coach Coach.

What's goin' on here?

What is this?


This is a mutiny.

You guys all in on this?

You motherfuckin' cocksuckers.

All of you.

I have dedicated my life to this team, OK?

I have given you guys my soul!

I mean, who bought you those boots last Halloween?

It--That--That would be you Coach. You bought us those boots.

I bought 'em!

I really liked them boots. They were nice.

They're really nice boots.

Yeah we love ya.

But Monix just knows the X's and O's baby. That's all.


Aw, come on, come on, don't turn your back on us.

Hey hey hey hey hey. Listen.

How about this I'll be the offensive and defensive coordinator... and you can still be head coach.

And you're the best promoter. We gonna need fans right?

Do you guys really think I'm a good promoter?

Yeah yeah yeah. You know you are man.

I'm probably the best in the league. Yeah, that's what they say.

Top three. Yup.

Right up there. Yeah.



Careful, don't blow too hard at first 'cause it'll give a high-pitched squeak.

You just wanna blow easy.

And once she starts responding then you can--you can let it fly.

Thanks Coach.


All right let's practice guys!

If we play unselfish, fundamental basketball we can make a run at this.

If we play unselfish, fundamental basketball we can make a run at this.

By unselfish I mean we sprint up the court on every fast break... not because we might get a dunk and get your dick sucked after the game... but because sprinting might pull the defense out of position--

Wait wait wait wait. So what's goin' on with the blow jobs again?

Yeah, 'cause I vote we keep them blow jobs Jack.

Yeah. All in favor? Come on let the man talk.

Thank you Clarence.

Now till we start playing like a real team... we're gonna practice without the ball.

That's a waste.

OK let's run the offense!

Without a ball? Yeah without the ball Clarence.

Let's go everybody get in position.

Patch that ball up Scootsie. Come on! Hustle!

OK Clarence flash through the lane.

Hustle Clarence! Come on come on.

Ball ball ball!

We been runnin' the same play all day.

Yeah can we maybe try play number two?

No! I want you to be brain-dead gentlemen!

'Cause someday you're gonna be too tired or too nervous to think.

And when you are, this is the play that I'm gonna call.

We need to be able to run this play in our sleep.

I'm a rover, Coach. I'm just gonna go rover.

No, don't just go rovin'. Run the play Jackie Moon.

I'm creatin' a diversion though... by runnin' in circles over here. Don't lose your mind Jackie Moon.

We are runnin' this until we puke.

Well basically we have. Yeah I'm pretty beat Coach.

"Until we puke" is not a figure of speech.

We are literally going to puke.

What does he mean by "literally"?

I wish you were still a washing machine!

Get up and run, Coach! You're gonna puke like everybody else!

I can't puke, Monix! I've never puked in my life ever!

You're lying to me.

I've been sick before, I've just never puked. Swear on my mother's grave.

What about when you were a baby? Babies throw up all the time.

My mom said I never did it. I swear.

She said I was fascinating.

In fact the local PBS wanted to do a documentary on me.

Have you ever been punched in the jejunum?

No what's a jejunum?

It's part of the small intestine.

I don't think so.

I mean I've been punched in the armpit before, and in the wrist twice.

Coccyx and in the back of the knee.

Both eyes and I've been punched right in my--my tracheal--







Ah ah.



Let--Let that out.


Go ahead Jackie. Just let it go. Hhhoh!

Hey hey hey.



Get ahold of yourself Ja--Jackie!

Let go! Hold it in Jackie! Hold it in!

Get off me God damn it!

Jackie! Bleeuurgh!

We are seeing a very different...

Tropics basketball team than we're used to... aren't we Lou?

Playing with a lot of energy and a lot of confidence.

They're movin' the ball well.

It looks like they're gonna win this game.

The only question is by how much? Mm.

Jangel has the ball now.

Oh my gosh a loose ball on the court and Clarence dives for it?


That's something we have not seen before. And a timeout Timeout white!

Hey. Good playin' out there Jackie. Thanks.

Way to go man. Yeah.

The crowd is really excited tonight.

They know what's at stake Dick.

Yup gettin' their home team into the NBA.

No I'm talking about free corn dogs.

Oh that's right. It's free corn dog night.

Fellas it's lookin' great.

We're 30 seconds away from takin' this thing.

Yeah he's right. Uh let's try to win but not win by too much.

Wait we don't want to win by too much? Uh-uh.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Corn dogs. What?

See if we score 125 points... that mean we gotta give everybody in here a free corn dog, all right?

Yeah, sorry, Monix. We don't even got corn dogs.

Corn--I don't care, we're takin' it to 'em all right?

Hey we're up by seven OK?

Can't we just take it easy? Run the clock out?

We're talkin' a lot of corn dogs!

I don't give a shit about the corn dogs all right?

We play hard every second. We run the offense. Everybody got that?

Right on. Yeah yeah yeah.

You got that Jackie? Uh-huh.

OK bring us together man. One two three.

Let's get Tropical!

OK it looks like we are going to return to the game. Monix--

Hey Monix. ...has the ball.

You wanna just throw it to me? I can get it to Clarence. That might be easier.

Jackie move!

Ball ball ball ball ball ball ball! Ball!

Nice Monix! Monix inbounds to Clarence.

OK. Come on Clarence take your time.

Come on Nets play some defense.

You wanna go for the double team? Might be a good time.

Double team double team.

I won't do anything if I get the ball I promise.

He'll go with his right. He loves his right one. He likes the right hand.

What are you doin'? Clarence drives.

Dishes off to Scootsie.

But look at this Jackie Moon blocks his own teammate's shot!

A loose ball on the court Vakidis gets it.


Unh! Arrrrgh!

God damn it Vakidis!

Learn fuckin' English!

Corn dogs, Jackie! Corn dogs for all these people.

The Tropics win, and this crowd is going crazy.

Crazy for corn dogs.

And Jackie Moon gives us a victory lap...right out the door!

Now Scootsie rotate up top.

Vakidis flash to the high post.

No to the high post Vakidis. Help him.


At guard-- # Dance to the music #

...formerly known as Clarence Withers... and "Downtown Funky Stuff" Malone-- # Dance to the music #

...and Sugar Dunkerton.

# Dance to the music # He's tryin' out his new name tonight.

Put your hands together for--

# Dance to the music # ...Coffee Black.

Coffee Black!

Dance to the music You might like to hear the horns blowin'

Cynthia on the throne yeah!

Great job honey!

Looking great!

God she's beautiful.

Now let's do it again. Jab.

Swing attack.


That's it.

Dance to the music Dance to the music Dance to the music Here they come the Flint Tropics Ball Girls cheerleading squad... keeping the crowd energized through the timeout.

They've just got such big--

What? Hearts.

Yes. Big bouncy jiggly hearts.

Well hearts don't really bounce... so now I think you're talking about something else Lou.

# Say it! Get up! # Yeah!

Downtown brings the ball up forward... and passes to Monix at the top of the key.

Behind his back to Doubleday.

Scootsie goes for the three-pointer... and it is good!

Are you actually havin' fun out here Monix?

Hey don't tell anybody.

Dance to the music Dance to the music Yeah yeah yeah Dance to the music

Well if it isn't the toast of Flint Michigan.

Shouldn't you be out signing autographs somewhere or somethin'?

Will you marry me? Shut up.

I'm--I'm crazy about you. You know that.

Do I?

You came to one of our games.

Don't think I didn't see you hiding in the upper deck.

So? So--So let's do this Lynn. You and me.

You know uh like back in the day.

You know? I--I mean not then because I was an asshole. Better right?

For real this time.

I need you.

Yo Monix!

What's up, man? Hey check out the jersey. Ha ha. I'm you!

Yeah. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha!

Hey Kyle? Yeah.

Can you do me a big favor?

Can you go get me a tube of Bengay?

Are you kidding me? I'd be honored man. I'll leave right now.

What do you think you're doing?

Hey Kyle? Yeah!

Listen don't--Kyle?

Yeah! Don't go to the pharmacy.

I need one of those big tubes like you get at--at Luger's out on Route 59.

I'm already gone big man!

Hey Lynn. Forgot my stupid wallet.

Uh! Ha ha.

Uh! Uh!

That's it.


# Oh baby keep on #

# Come on baby keep on doin' it #

# Right on #

# Right on doin' it #

# You got it together #

# Baby keep on #

# Oh you got it together baby #

# Right on #

# Keep on doin' it #

# And I'll give you baby all that I get #

Kyle. # Keep on #


Fuck! Heh heh Monix!

You old dog.

What the hell are you doin'? Nothin' , man.

I'm just sittin' here watching... and stuff.

I'm outta here.

Come on man don't be like that. It's all cool.

No man. No believe me it's not cool.

I'll call you.


He was talkin' to me.

Yes ladies and gentlemen...

Jackie Moon has outdone himself with this promotion... as he prepares to jump over 47 feet of Ball Girls.

# Rollercoaster # # Say, what? #


The fact that Jackie's never been on roller skates before... appears to have done nothing to diminish his confidence.

# Rollercoaster # All right folks.

Here comes--

# Rollercoaster # ...Jackie!

Here he comes down the ramp.

He is airborne! Ah, shit!


Oh, no! Oh Lord!

Jackie's up! Rollercoaster!

Of love Great job! # Rollercoaster! #

And everyone survives!

That was exciting!

# Of love # Oh that's an adrenaline rush.

Rollercoaster Next time I'm gonna jump even more girls. Whew.

What? The Commissioner just called again.

Commish? He's drivin' up here on Monday.

He's comin' to Flint? Yes he's comin' to Flint.

Shit. Crap.

You all right? Yeah.

You know Jackie we need 2000 fans in those stands.

We can't fake it this time. We gotta--we gotta do somethin'.

Look it's no problem. I'll take care of it.

Yeah? We've tried everything.

Look I said I'll handle it OK?

I'll think of somethin'. All right.

Back in 30 seconds.

How's your wife doin'? Oh she's doing just super.

She's gorgeous. Yeah. Really terri--

Oh thank you I think. Ha ha. I mean-- I'd be--

...hands off! Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'll try.

OK. No guarantees.

Really? Ha ha ha.

I'd like a guarantee. Ha ha.

Are we back Chuck? We're back.

OK. Welcome back to Tropics Weekly.

I'm joined by owner/player/coach Jackie Moon.

Jackie it is always an honor when you can drop by.

Always enjoy our time together Dick Pepper.

Ha ha ha. Dick Pepperfield actually.

Now Jackie... amazingly, you're two wins away from getting your team to the NBA.

How do you intend to match up to the Squires' strong inside game?

It's a great question.

Tomorrow after the game I Jackie Moon will wrestle a bear.

Uh well that's something... but uh defensively as a team how do you--

That's tomorrow night one night only... watch Dewie the Wrestling Bear attack me-- and he's killed people in public before.

Well OK that is some entertainment... and you are known for your creative promotions Jackie but--

You're not gonna want to miss this folks... and if you're a small child you creep into your mama's bedroom at night... and you lift about 40 bucks... outta your mom's purse-- Oh, no, no, no.

...and you walk down to Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum eight o'clock!

There ya have it. Jackie Moon thanks so much for joining us.

Dewie's insane! He could rip my head off!

I'm Dick Pepperfield reminding you there will be another night.

Good night Flint.

Jackie are you really gonna wrestle a bear?

Ha ha ha. Dick you're the best. And we're clear.

Let's go get some pussy. Gosh I don't know.

Really? Yeah.

Ha. I--I shouldn't. You know I shouldn't. But you want to.

Ha ha. Yes I said I cannot say no to you. We are gonna get some pussy aren't we?

Ha ha ha. It's gonna be fun.

Come on!

I'm scared Clarence.

It's a baby bear. It's trained and everything.

Who's a good bear?

Who used to live in the woods?

I don't care. I'm terrified of those things. I'm freakin' out.

Come on get it together.

Oh oh I'm startin' to feel really dizzy.

Break his neck! Come on!

Call it off? No! No.

OK. I gotta give these people a show.

Are you guys ready? Uh-huh.

You have to give me your safe word. No I don't need a safe word.

OK, I'll tell you what, if you feel like you're in danger just say, um--


No I--I don't need spumoni OK? Let's get this show on the road.

Bobby Dee.

Let's go! Go--Go--Go ahead man.

What are you afraid of?


We're both wearing red.

Sorry I'm not ignoring you. I'm just-- That's stupid Jackie!

...trying to deal with him right now. Oh.

I like your top hat though.

Thanks. It was normal size but I put it in the dryer.

How long you been working with the bear?

Um just like a day or so.


But I've been working with cats for like 12 years.

So I'm very familiar with animals.


C'mon! Hey, Dewie.

Fuck that shit!

I'm outta here. Spumoni.

No nope. No no. You can't quit now. We just started.

We got to give these people a show, man.

Yeah you're right. That guy's a pussy!

Test him out. I'm just gonna be right over here.

Do something! Come on, Dewie.

You're just nothin' but a dumb bear.

Smack smack. Yep. Whoo.

Crazy fists. I'm comin' with crazy fists.


Yeah. Huh? This is fine he's not doing anything.

Flint can you dig it?

Jackie Moon Flint--

Aaargh! Shit!

Oh! Oh!

Aaargh! Aaargh!

Aah! Aaaargh!

Dewie! Aargh!


One round. No spumoni!

Fuck you Clarence! Spumoni!

Dewie no! Aarrrgh!

Bobby Dee help! Shit! Spumoni!

Watch my hair! Watch my hair!

The only thing I care about is my hair! Watch it!

Aaargh! Dewie! My hair! Oh!

Spumoni! Spumoni!

How many times do I gotta say spumoni?

Somebody's got to do something. I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

Don't worry Jackie! I'm coming Jackie.

I'm comin' Jackie.


Turn on the lights! Turn on the lights!

Good. Shh.

Nobody move. Nobody move.

Where are you precious?


Everyone just remain seated.

I think he left.



Everybody panic!

Oh my God there's a bear loose in the Coliseum!

There will be no refunds!

Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life!

If you have a small child use it as a shield!

They love the tender meat.

Cover your sodas Dewie loves sugar.

Hey, Jackie. Hey Commish.

What do ya think? Packed house right?

I need to speak with you and the rest of the team Jackie.

OK. Locker room? All right.

This whole merger thing has been really complicated.

This whole merger thing has been really complicated.

It's taken a lot of my time out of my life away from my family.

Look even if you beat the Spurs on Saturday--

...the Tropics won't be going to the NBA next year.

Come on man.

What--What the hell are you talkin' about?

The expansion committee had an emergency meeting in Manhattan. and they decided that Flint just isn't a big enough media market.

Well tough shit! We done made it this far.

Mm-hm. And rules is rules.

Guys it's over.

There's nothing I can do.

Jackie, I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong.

I never thought you'd pull it off. But you did.

Good luck.

Psh! Right.

Jackie this is the type of deal you can work around, ain't it?

Yeah, you Jackie Moon. I mean, you can just make a phone call right?


Ah sorry guys. I--I let you down.

I'm nothin' but a big phony.


Oh man don't talk like that. You ain't no phony.

Yes I am. You know my song Love Me Sexy?

Of course yeah.

Yeah everybody loves that song man. It was number one in the country.

I stole it.


It's true.

My mom wrote it on a napkin three weeks before she died and I stole it.

That song bought me this franchise... and the hottest wife in the world... but it's all fake.

Well--Well look you can write another song. I know it's in your bones. Right?

Don't be crazy. I can't write a song as brilliant as Love Me Sexy.

You're right.

I just wish I could puke this all away.

Monix can you punch me in the jejunum?


# Qué será será #

In a new merger-policy shift... it seems the Tropics will not be playing for an NBA berth after all.

Saturday's matchup against the first-place Spurs... will be the Tropics' final basketball game.

And in an act of great sacrifice...

Jackie Moon has helped Tropics' superstar Coffee Black... realize his NBA dreams... by trading him to the Spurs.

Clarence baby you made it! You made it Clarence you made it! Ha ha ha!

Yes. Uh-huh!

# Qué será #

# Qué será #


# Qué será #

For Lou Redwood I'm Dick Pepperfield reminding you there will be another--

No actually we're down to our last night.

Ah shit.

Sup chief?


What are you doing here?

If you ain't heard I got traded.

Oh yeah.

Coffee Black headin' to the NBA.

Big time.

Yeah I just wanted to let you know man, this year, you coaching us... the way you did it, you really made us feel--

No no no no. Ha ha.



Let me ask you somethin' Monix.


You already played for the NBA.

Your knee is gone... you couldn't give a damn about the merger you were gonna retire anyway.

What's the question?

What--what you playin' for?

I just wanna sit here and have a beer in peace.


All right.

I just thought you'd wanna hear that.

Have a good one.

# Baby are you ready to lick me sexy? Oh! #

# Baby are you ready to lick me sexy? Oh! #

Jackie where you at?

# I'm a big faker and I stole this song-ly sexy #

# I wanna kill myself-y sexy #


# I'm gonna get an extension cord and hang myself sexy #

Oh buddy. What are you doin'?

Oh right now I'm urinating on myself.

Listen Jackie I never thanked you.

For what? For helpin' me find basketball again.


Now what is it--Don't eat that.

What is that? Pancake.

Has that been there? It's been here a while.

Listen Jackie I think you should call a team meeting.


'Cause you're still the leader of the Tropics. Can you do that?

OK. Ah.

You're a good man.

Should we uh--

I hate to see this go to waste. This little bit.

It won't go to waste. Save that for the next guy.



Come on big guy.

I just live in a world of urine and pancakes you know?

Kinda smells that way. Yeah.

You smell good. Thank you.

Watch when you roll over. OK.

Watch. OK here we go.

Oh my God. Oh ho.


If I could have everyone's attention please.

Uh well...

I just wanted to take one last time to say thank you to all of you... for all your hard work as part of the Flint Tropics.

My teammates it was an honor to be on the court with you.

You guys are the best.

Even you, Vakidis. Goddamn dumb son of a bitch.

You don't understand a word I'm saying do you?

To the Tropic Ball Girls...

I always thought I was gonna sleep with a couple of you... but ha ha that--that didn't happen.

That'll teach me to procrastinate.

Bobby Dee, you're like a son I never had.

The son who's exactly the same age as me.

Well kinda--You're like a half-son half-friend.

Friend. A son-friend.

No don't talk. You'll just make it worse. I don't want to cry and wet my pants.

I'm not makin' a whole lot of sense right now.



Jackie? Yeah?

Can I say a couple words? Please.


So we all know that Clarence got traded... and we all know this game doesn't really matter anymore right?

I've been thinking...

We made it our mission to win fourth place.

You know fourth place is still out there waiting for us to take it.

And we're this close.

Now I--I tried to--to pretend that it didn't matter if we won fourth or not.

The truth is...

I never wanted anything more in my whole fucked-up life.

This game does matter.

It matters... because this is the last real game of basketball any of us is ever gonna play.


Saturday night I say we leave it all out there on the floor... because there is nothing else for us to save it for.

Clarence or no Clarence NBA or no NBA...

this is for us.

Yeah. Let's do this.

Jackie Moon I believe you have one more game to promote.

That's right. Damn right.

Huh? Gentlemen? Let's bring it in.

Ladies? C'mon.

Yeah. Let's go Tropics.

Let me hear you say "Fourth place! " Fourth place!

Fourth place! Fourth place!

Fourth place! Fourth place!

Fourth place! Fourth place!

Look, the Spurs may be the number-one team in the league...

Look, the Spurs may be the number-one team in the league... but come Saturday night they're gonna have to prove it.


Mr. Moon since this game doesn't actually count... what exactly is your motivation?

On Saturday we're gonna be playing for the Flint, Michigan Megabowl.

White pants.

Yeah I don't know if I understand what you mean by Megabowl?

It's a Megabowl. What's not to understand?

This is history in the making.

You're gonna wanna tell your grandkids and their grandkids and their grandkids.

And when they look back in the "anals" of history... they're gonna be talkin' about three things... discovery of fire, invention of the submarine... and the Flint Michigan Megabowl.

Right but still the game doesn't count.

The trophy's 12 feet high. And it is glorious. I've seen it.

Oh yeah and--and when we win the game... uh that big gun's gonna shoot off.

The cannon doesn't actually fire. It's a relic.

We're gonna win the Megabowl.

Saturday! Eight o'clock!

Flint Michigan Megabowl!

Flint Michigan Megabowl! Flint Michigan Megabowl!

Fourth place! Fourth place!

The Tropics seem to have captured every heart... in this town of underdogs.

People have poured in from around the state... to root for this first Megabowl championship.

Fourth place! Fourth place! It's a wonderful night for Flint... and a wonderful night for the Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum.

Now Flint will be playing without Coffee Black their top scorer... as the Spurs have traded for several new players from around the ABA.

I was excited to be here till I saw your face Coffee.

Why's it so quiet in here? Somebody say somethin'!

Monix what time is it?

It's time.

It is a sold-out crowd here at the Flint Fairgrounds Coliseum as the Tropics walk onto the court.

I tell you what, Dick, this makes a lot of sense... this heroes' welcome for this Flint Tropics team.

This is extraordinary.

Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son... and he has done more for this city... than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!

With the possible exception of, uh, Henry Ford...

Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city you're right about that.

Good tip to the Spurs. Behind the back.

And wow! A little "How do you do?" from Markie.

That's a pretty impressive start for the Spurs.

Running roughshod over the Tropics.

Vakidis passes to Doubleday.

Oh! Rejected.

Scootsie passes to Jackie.

Out to Twiggy and--

Oh stolen by Rebenkoff.

He pulls up for a dagger... and ouch three points.


Yeah I don't feel good about this. I may not have brought enough Scotch.

Oh shit!


It's hard to say where the Tropics are falling down worse tonight... on defense or on offense.

And with Coffee Black on the Spurs bench the Tropics look lost.

You're goin' in Coffee Black.

Coach I've got back spasms. I--I can't do it.

Lutz you're in.

Jackie! C'mon. Jackie Jackie!

Moon to Ellis.

Ellis to Munson.

Munson to Monix.

Ooh three points! Monix responds!

But it will take more than one fancy three... to defeat these mighty Spurs.

This is easily the worst half of basketball the Tropics have played... since Monix took over as coach.

Yeah it's a shit-fuckin'-sandwich Dick. Oh, let's watch the F-bomb, Lou.

With time expiring in the first half...

Monix splits the screen with a pass to Moon.

He goes up strong--

Oh! Gets taken out by Petrelli.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone get taken out quite that hard before.

This looks serious.

Monix you gotta hit him in the nuts!

Father Pat breaking up what could have been total pandemonium.

Come on. Jackie? Jackie.

Come on back to the bench. Jackie? Oh.

He's got a pulse.

Let's get the stretcher.

We don't have a stretcher. Jackie sold it.

All right well let's get him up. Yeah come on.

Let's get him in the locker room guys. Hurry.

Come on come on.

Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine... as they carry him off the court.

Come on Jackie.


Where the hell do you think you're goin'?


You walk away from this team you will never play in the NBA.

That's my son! That's my son!

Go Clarence! Go Clarence! You hear me Coffee?

Look at this. Coffee Black is walking over to the Tropics.

This crowd is going crazy!

Come on Jackie wake up.

Come on Jackie wake up.

Jackie come on it's me it's Bobby Dee.

Wake up. Come on open 'em up.

Hey you got any smelling salt? I think we do.

Get up. Jackie.

Come on Jackie.

Snap out of it. Hey. Come on baby.



I miss you, Mama. I miss you too honey.

Come on little fella. Jackie. Jackie.

Clarence what are you doin' here?

What it look like? I'm wit' y'all. He a'ight?

Are you outta your mind? You wanna lose your NBA contract?

I don't care nothin' about that man. This is our season and we gonna finish it.

So you're gonna blow the deal for this?

Fourth place right? Right.

Let's get Tropical. Right on.

Come on buddy. Come around.

Now I want you to go forward... and tell the others what I have told you here today.

Do you understand me son?

Yes Mama. You're so kind.

I'm sorry I stole your song.

Oh I forgave you for that a long time ago.

Jackie it's time you forgave yourself.

I don't wanna leave this place. It's so fluffy.

Now hurry up and don't forget what I said.

OK. Bye!

Bye Mama. Bye.


Oh hey--I threw up Mom.

I know you did sweetie.

I threw up all by myself!

That's workin'. Here we go. Come on Jackie.

A little eye flutter. Hello fella!

Hey there! Mornin' sunshine.

We missed ya.

Oh this just in.

It sounds like Jackie Moon is up and around the Tropics locker room.

Then fake the pass and go straight to the basket. Twiggy how hard is it?

He keeps throwin' elbows. What do you want me to do?

I want you to stand up to him ya pussy.

Monix wait. I gotta tell these guys somethin'.

I had a dream.

I had a dream I was in heaven.

And my mother spoke to me.

She was wearing this flowing white gown... and she showed me a brand-new way to score a basket.

She called it the alley oop.

She spoke to me and she said "With this gift you will win fourth place."

We are back in action here at the Megabowl.

Coffee Black is playing for the Tropics.

Jackie makes the start here.

In fact it looks like he's running the offense.

What was that?

I'm sorry I don't know what just happened.

A very unusual series of moves just made the ball go in.


Yeah I don't know why Dick but I just got an erection.


Foul. No two fouls.

Foul?! I didn't touch anybody.

Look Jackie people can't just go flyin' in the air like that.

Oh, please. My mom wouldn't cheat in my dreams.

What? She's an angel!

Heaven wants us to win this game!

I'll burn your house down! Oh, hold it, hold it, hold it.

It can't be a foul without touchin' another player.

And it can't be traveling without first establishing a pivot foot.

That's right. It's two points Father Pat.

It is two points.

All right I'm gonna allow it. That's the gospel.

Two points Flint.

Are you outta your mind?

He was floating. Is this ghost ball? It's legal, Coach.

It's legal Coach. What the hell is that?


It worked Jackie!

Thanks Mama! Whoo!

Things are getting interesting here in the second half.

It's the Spurs' ball as Rebenkoff makes a shot.

Misses it. Rebound Tropics.

There it is again.

Clarence leaping and forcing the ball in a downward direction through the net... off of a high arching pass.

It's a great play. It sure is.

Hold on. I'm just being told that this is called an alley oop!

Yes that is easier to say.


Monix passes to Jackie.

Jackie lobs to Clarence.

And then yes! Another alley oop.

The Spurs don't know what's hit 'em.

I love the alley oop! Ha ha!

Yes! Yeah!

I wanna take you higher

I wanna take you higher Here comes the alley.

And there goes the oop!

Timeout white.

Timeout white.

In all my years of radio I've never seen anything like this.

The Tropics have fought their way back from a huge deficit... and now with 12 seconds left in the history of this franchise... they are down by two, and man you can feel the tension.

OK, guys, listen up. They've made adjustments.

We can't keep runnin' the alley oop. They're keying on Clarence.

So we're not gonna run the alley oop.

What the hell we gonna run then? The puke.

The puke?

Don't tell me you've forgotten it. I seared it into your brains.

This will work OK? The puke. Right on.

I was gonna say exactly the same thing.

Good call. "Let's get Tropical" on three. One two three.

Let's get Tropical!

We're down to the last play.

Monix inbounds to Jackie.

Jackie passes right back to Monix.

Monix back to Jackie.

The Tropics have gotta make a move here Dick.

Yeah they need to find a way to the hole and fast.

Monix finds Bee Bee. Back door to Jackie. He goes up strong--

Ooh! Fouled hard by Petrelli! Eat shit Petrelli!

Don't you know how to play basketball?

Father Pat struggles to keep order... between these two tough competitive teams.

All right. Black. Four-two. With the body. Two shots.

Come on Jackie! Jackie will shoot two free throws here.

His team down by two with two seconds left on the clock.

All right, gentlemen. Relax on the first one we got two here.

Come on Jackie.

Don't worry guys. I got these. I'm very good at free throws.

Seriously free throws are probably the best facet of my game.


Whew. What the hell are you doin' Jackie?

What, you never see me shoot free throws before?

He's shootin' granny style. Let 'im do his thing.

Always has.

Ah shit. Whew.

Whew. Here we go.

Jackie Moon holding the fate of Flint in his fingertips.

He kisses the ball for good luck. Whew. Sweet sugar.

It's good!

Ha ha ha! Yes! Never doubted you Jackie. Come on.

The Tropics need one more to stay alive.

Watch the lines. Move on the release.

Go Jackie! One more Jackie.



Flint wins the Megabowl! Flint wins the Megabowl!

Flint wins the Megabowl!

Fourth place! Fourth place! # Move on up #

Go Tropics! Go Tropics! Go Tropics! # And keep on wishin' #

Stacey! Kiss me my hero!

I--I--I can't my mom said your vagina's for sad people.

But we won the Megabowl! Whoo!

Fourth place!

One two three? No! In your face!

# With just a little faith #

# You can surely do it #

Who's number four? Who's number four?

Whoo! Yeah, Scoots! Oh God. We really did it.

Just a moment. Just a moment please. Don't--

What are you doin'? # Just move on up #

Fourth place! Fourth place! # And peace you will find #

Fourth place! Fourth place!

# Into the steeple of beautiful people # Fourth place! Fourth place!

# Where there's only one kind #

Yeah! Who's pushing like us?

Yeah! Yeah!

Hey Coffee. What?

I've changed my mind. I think we could use that alley oop of yours in the NBA.

Whoo hoo hoo!

Thanks Coach! Mama!

The NBA! Ha haaa!

Hey! Yeah baby!

Way to go! Whoo! Thank you.

Move on up And keep on wishin'

Yes! Yeah!

We did it! Yeah! Yeah!

Jackie! Hey!

Congratulations on the Megabowl! Thank you.

Whatever that is. It's very exciting!

Yeah. You're a hell of a promoter!


Listen, I'm gonna be working with the Commissioner of the NBA--

Uh-huh. ...and I want you to join me.

Me in the NBA?! Really?

My God thank you. Can I bring my son-friend with me?

Oh Jackie you don't have to do that. Yes, I do.

Mark my words as long as I'm alive you'll both--


Everybody panic!

It's just like the Titanic but it's full of bears!

It's just like the Titanic but it's full of bears!

Yeah Hey When you wish upon a star

Your dream will take you very far yeah

"Dear Dukes. I'm sorry it took so long...

"but in this bag is 10000 dollars cash."

No way. Really?

"Actually it's only 2300.

"I'll be payin' you the rest right after they finish my merger buyout.

"Let's get Tropical. Jackie R. Moon."

Ha-- # In the sky so very dear #

Bitchin'. Bitchin'.

# You're a shinin' star # Let's get Tropical! Whoo!

No matter who you are Shinin' bright to see What you can truly be What you can truly be

Shining star come into view

Shine its watchful light on you yeah Gives you strength to carry on yeah Yeah make your body big and strong You're a shining star no matter who you are Shining bright to see what you can truly be You're a shining star no matter who you are Shining bright to see what you can truly be Shining star for you to see What your life can truly be Shining star for you to see what your life can truly be Shining star for you to see What your life can truly be

# Come on girl #

# Yeah #

# It's me Jackie Moon # # Love me sexy #

#Don't gimme that look #

# That's right let's get sweaty #

# Let's get real sweaty #

# I'm talkin' rainforest sweaty #

# I'm talkin' swamp sweaty # # Love me sexy #

# Let's fill the bathtub full of sweat #

# All right #

# Baby who wants to love me sexy? Uhh #

# Love me sexy #

# Baby are you ready to lick me sexy? Uhh uhh #

# Lick me sexy #

# Take off your shoes and suck me sexy #

# Suck me, suck me, suck suck me sexy #

# Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy #

# Humpin' sexy #

# I wanna do a little thing wit' you I wanna do a little thing wit' you #

# When I say "love me" you say "sexy" #

# Love me # # Sexy #

# Sexy # # Love me sexy #

# Back it on up and showin' you # # I wanna do #

# That lovin' me sexy is the thing to do #

# Oh yeah #

# Your body says love me # # Love me #

# Your mind says sexy # # Sexy #

# Love me sexy #

# Baby who wants to love me sexy? Uhh #

# Love me sexy #

# Baby are you ready to lick me sexy? Uhh uhh #

# Lick me sexy #

# Take off your shoes and suck me sexy #

# Suck me, suck me, suck suck me sexy #

# Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy #

# Humpin' sexy #

# Freak of the week #

# Are you in the mood #

# To fly to the stars with Jackie Moon? #

# When I say "love me" you say "sexy" #

# Oh yeah #

# Love me # # Sexy #

# Sexy # # Sexy #

# Our Zodiac signs are compatible #

# Clockin' that ass from across the room #

# Your body says love me # # Love me #

# Your mind says sexy # # Sexy #

# Love me sexy #

# Baby who wants to love me sexy? Uhh #

# Love me sexy #

# Baby are you ready to lick me sexy? Uhh uhh #

# Lick me sexy #

# Take off your shoes and suck me sexy #

# Suck me, suck me, suck suck me sexy #

# Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy #

# Humpin' sexy #

# That's right girl #

# Let me whisper in your ear # # Love me sexy #

# Baby wake up #

# We're naked and we're humpin' sexy #

# For the last 15 minutes baby #

# That's what's been happenin' #

-# Love me sexy # # Yeah #

# Too late now it's on #

# Whoo! #

# Baby, who wants to love me sexy? Uhh uhh uhh #

# Love me sexy #

# Baby are you ready to lick me sexy? Uhh uhh #

# Lick me sexy #

# Take off your shoes and suck me sexy #

# Suck me, suck me, suck suck me sexy #

# Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy #

# Who wants to love me sexy? #

# Is it you? Is it you? #

# Love me sexy # # Are you ready to lick me sexy? #

# Is it you? Oh is it you? #

# Take off your shoes # # Lick me sexy #

# And suck me sexy #

# Is it you? Or is it you? #

# Baby, we're naked and we're humpin' sexy #

# Where are you precious? #

# Dewie? #