(SEND ME NO FLOWERS PLAYING)
(CLOCK BELL TOLLING)
MAN: Feeling low?
Tossing and turning all night?
Having trouble going beddy-bye?
Know what? You've got a headache.
Then try the new miracle painkiller, Nipsarin, the pill nine out of 10 doctors prescribe, and get instant relief.
MAN 2: Uh-oh.
Painful sinuses got you down?
Those naughty nasal passages clogging up on you?
Don't give it another thought.
Try new doctor-prescribed Nauseadrene.
The pill with a new magic ingredient, N. U. 202.
And smash your troubles away.
MAN 3: Uh-oh.
Tummy feeling crummy?
You bet it does.
And there you go taking those rotten tablets.
See? Nothing happens. They just lay there.
Now, watch wonder-working Garbagene go to work.
See how much faster the new, improved, new formula, better-than-ever Garbagene tablets are than that no-good brand.
Good morning, Arnold!
Oh, Mrs. Kimball!
Oh, hi, Ern.
Isn't this a lovely morning? Oh, it is. It's beautiful.
Let's see, yogurt, carrot juice, cottage cheese, organic honey, non-fat and eggs, fertile.
Fishers, over on Maple Street, they got their new car today.
Oh, good. Only it's not new. Secondhand.
Don't breathe a word of this to anybody, but you know the Bullards?
Now, remember, don't spread this around.
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Hey, Nash! It's Vito, the cleaner.
Hey, daddy-o! I got your cleaning.
Hey, need a hand, Mrs. Kimball?
I heard you, dear. You said, "Ooh."
Well, doesn't it concern you I have this pain in my chest?
I'm always concerned about the pains in your chest.
It's just that I have had such a morning.
You would not believe it.
I called Dr. Morrissey. I'm gonna have a complete checkup.
It's probably nothing serious though.
A checkup? Mmm-hmm.
But you just had one, two weeks ago.
In two weeks, your body could turn on you. Just like that.
Well, while it's turning, eat your breakfast.
I don't think I better, not till Ralph looks me over.
Oh, George! Then at least have a piece of toast or something.
I promise it won't show up in the X-rays.
Oh! I don't know why I bother to cook.
Well, maybe one piece of toast.
Oh, have I got something to tell you.
The Bullards are getting a divorce.
The milkman told me.
Who are they?
They live in the next block.
I don't really know them.
But I must say I expected it.
You don't know them and you expected them to get a divorce?
I know all about them.
Marge told me the whole story at the bridge club.
Oh, that poor thing.
There must really be something wrong with him.
Well, how do you know? Maybe, there's something wrong with her.
Oh, no! Oh! She's very nice.
I met her at the supermarket.
If you're nice in the supermarket, you're not very nice at home.
You know... No, Judy! Judy. No butter.
It's loaded with cholesterol, animal fat.
George, you know that, two years ago, you had never heard of cholesterol?
And today, it is the biggest thing in your life.
Now, you can just sit there and laugh about it if you want to.
Meanwhile, men my age are dropping like flies.
Do you ever read the obituary page?
It's enough to scare you to death.
Well, if it scares you, why do you read it?
What should I do? Bury my head in the sand?
No. But why is it that every time you hear somebody has something you think you have it, too.
Now, what do you mean by that?
Oh, come on.
Remember the year they operated on Whitey Ford?
You thought you had bone chips in your elbow.
Yeah, well, there definitely was pain there.
George, your hypochondria's showing.
I am not a hypochondriac!
Listen, someday when I'm lying in the hospital in my bed of pain, then you'll change your tune.
You better hurry. You'll miss your train.
Maybe I'd better cancel that lunch date with Winston Burr.
I mean, the way I feel and everything.
Darling, I think you could risk a cup of tea.
I don't suppose a cup of weak tea would hurt me.
No matter what's wrong with me.
Your call to Mrs. Bullard is ready, Mr. Burr.
Thank you. Bullard?
Bullard? She the one that's getting a divorce?
Yeah, how did you know?
We have the same milkman.
Watch this. The Winston Burr patented procedure with potential divorcees.
Winston. Winnie Burr.
Say, Linda, I heard the horrible...
Well, I'm just heartbroken.
Well, I always considered you and David my best friends.
Linda, if there's anything I can do, you mustn't hesitate to call me.
Well, now, the next couple of weeks are going to be very tough.
You're gonna be lonely.
Say, how would it be if we had a quiet little drink together tonight?
And maybe I could think of something to bring you and David back together again?
Okay, I'll pick you up about 8:00. Tonight.
All right, little darling, and chin up.
You are a 100%, non-shrinkable, no-money-back rat fink.
Yeah. But a bachelor rat fink.
Well, I'll see you at the club tomorrow, George, and good luck with your doctor.
Oh, boy, am I pooped!
I made eight house calls this morning.
Now, why in blazes didn't I specialize so I could get some sleep, huh?
Ralph... Like those lucky allergists.
You know, they keep hours just like a banker.
They make the same kind of money, too.
I know one of them built a $100,000 house on ragweed alone.
Yes. When the pollen count goes up, just like the stock market.
Oh, Ralph, I have this pain...
Well, thank goodness it's Friday.
I'm going fishing this weekend.
A friend of mine's got a cabin cruiser.
He would look at anything but gallbladders.
He is cleaning up. Absolutely cleaning up.
You'll be on a boat for a whole weekend? Yep, that's right.
Well, suppose somebody has to reach you. Like... Like an emergency.
No, no, no... 90% of my patients, absolutely nothing in the world the matter with them.
The 10% that have got something seriously wrong...
Then I send them to a specialist.
Well, now, George, what seems to be the trouble?
What? Oh, well, I have this pain, and it's...
Well, can you... Can you show me where it is?
Yeah, right here. Hurts like the devil when I press it.
Then don't press it.
Now, George, tell me, is it a sharp pain, is it a dull pain, or does it grip like a vice.
No, no, no, no, no... Pick one.
I'd say it was more of a sharp pain.
I guess we'd better take a little listen.
Do you have any idea what it might be?
Well, it's probably nothing serious.
You know how Judy worries, though, you know.
Now take a... Take a deep breath.
Oh, you can... You can button up now, George.
What's the bad news?
This pain in my chest, is there some medical term for it?
It's called indigestion.
Now, I want you to take one of these pills.
Take one before each meal and again before retiring.
Oh, what kind of pills are they?
You wouldn't know if I told you.
Just take them. Take the pills.
Oh, Ralph. Hmm?
About that cardiogram you took when you checked my heart...
Yeah, what about it?
Well, that's what I was gonna ask.
What about it?
What are you talking about?
Well, how did it turn out?
I don't know.
The results aren't due from Dr. Peterson for another week.
Well, he's had it for two weeks.
He's certainly studying it for quite a while, isn't he?
Dr. Peterson is a very busy man.
Biggest cardiologist in the city.
Got a goldmine there, he's got a regular goldmine.
Well, then, in your considered opinion, everything is okay?
Yes, George, you are as sound as a bell.
Yep, I wish all of my patients were as healthy as you are, George.
Speaking non-professionally of course.
And this pain in my chest? I can just go right ahead and live a normal life?
I would. Oh, you can take one of those pills now if you want to.
There's some water in there.
Right now? You make it sound so urgent.
It doesn't make any difference.
Take it if you want to. If you don't want to...
No, no, no. I'll take it now if it's that important.
Is that my chart, Ralph?
Well, aren't you doing an awful lot of writing for just indigestion?
The more I write, the more money I charge.
Oh, yes. Yes, Doctor.
Yes, yes, I... I appreciate how busy you've been, Doctor, that's why I didn't want to pressure you about it.
Yes, I've been rather worried about him.
He's getting on in years, you know.
Well, what does the cardiogram show, Dr. Peterson?
Oh, that's really a shame.
Still, what can you do?
Give him a few pills to ease the pain in his chest.
Not much you can do when the old ticker goes, eh?
How much time do you figure he's got, Doctor?
A few weeks.
Oh, yes, yes. I've...
I've seen them go just like that.
No, no, no... I'm not going to tell him.
I think... I think he's better off not knowing about it.
Oh, fine. You... You have a nice weekend too, Doctor.
I'm back, Ralph.
Do you still want me to take these pills?
Yes, George. It'll ease that pain in your chest.
Do you mind if I ask you sort of a question?
Why no, no, not at all. Go ahead, George, shoot.
Suppose you had a patient and you found out that he only had a few more weeks to live.
I mean, he could go just like that.
Would you tell him?
Well, offhand, George, I would say it would all depend on the circumstances.
Yes. If I knew that the man's affairs were in order, his will properly made out, his insurance all paid up, no loose ends, well, I'd see no reason to tell him.
Well, suppose he were an old friend.
Your affairs in order, will properly made out, insurance all paid up?
Yes. Then I wouldn't tell you.
Anything else I can do for you, George?
Goodbye, Mr. Kimball.
RALPH: See you in church.
MARGE: Judy? Judy?
Judy, come on, we're teeing off at 2:30.
I'll be with you in a second, Marge.
What are you doing?
Making George's sleeping pills.
What are you? A pharmacist?
I'm a very smart wife.
You know George.
He's convinced he can't sleep without a pill.
So, he thinks it's Seconal. I know it's sugar.
And it works? It has for five years.
And you know something else, when he takes two, he goes to sleep twice as fast.
You should be written up in the medical journal.
Oh, that would ruin everything. Why?
He reads it every week. Oh, no.
Hi, George. Hello, Arnold.
I just put Ruth on the plane to her mother's, the kids are in camp, and now I'm alone...
What are you doing?
Nuts? George Kimball... Cholesterol?
What's the matter, George? You seem kind of down today?
Arnold, can I take you into my confidence?
You can, George.
I've just heard some rather bad news.
Now, you've got to promise to keep it quiet.
I wouldn't want it to get around the neighborhood.
It's nothing that's going to affect property values, is it?
No, I wouldn't think so.
That's a relief.
You know this little pain in my chest that I've been complaining about?
You mean your indigestion? Mmm-hmm.
Well, it's not indigestion.
It's curtains, Arnold.
Curtains? What do you mean, "Curtains"?
I just came from the doctor.
He only gives me a few more weeks to live.
(SHUSHING) Oh, come on. What do you...
I don't believe it.
It's true. It's the old ticker.
Well, are they sure?
I had Peterson, the biggest cardiologist in the city.
I don't know what to say.
But this is so sudden. You...
I believe I'd better have a drink.
I think I'd like to have one with you, if you don't mind.
I'd like a martini.
How are you going to tell Judy?
Oh, I'm not going to tell her.
No? No. I couldn't bear it.
She'd probably go to pieces. All that weeping, wailing...
You know Judy.
Yeah, I remember how she was when the dog died.
Oh, I don't mean there'd be any comparison, George.
This would be much worse.
You know what I mean.
Of course, Arnold. George...
Is there anything I can do? Anything, anything at all.
Not only as a lawyer, but as your best friend.
I don't know.
Somebody has to take care of the funeral details.
Do you wanna do that?
I'll do it.
What's the matter with him?
It's so nice to see you again.
Well, it's good to see you, too, George.
(GIGGLING) How is everything?
Everything's just fine, dear.
Oh, that's wonderful. Wonderful.
Hi, Arnold. Hi.
Ruth get off all right?
Like a rocket.
How are you...
What are you taking? George's vitamin pills?
Honey, I just want you to know that you can always count on me.
Thanks, Arnold. For...
I think we should drive Arnold home, dear.
I think so, too. He can pick up his car tomorrow.
Judy, you know what a noble man you're married to?
Always thinking of the other guy, even at a time like this.
What do you mean, "at a time like this"?
He means at a time like this when he forgets where he parked his car.
Well, you can ride with us, Arnie. Come on.
That was brilliant.
Come on, Arnold.
I just wanted to tell you, I live right next door, all right?
Arnold. Right, Arnold.
If ever you need me for anything, day or night, that's where I'll be, right next door.
Thanks a lot, Arnold.
(CHUCKLING) Oh, is he bombed. Yeah.
What's he celebrating? Here you are, Mrs. Kimball.
For you, we put it through special.
Man, that is something.
Almost as wild as this morning's outfit, huh?
He's a pretty fresh kid, you know that?
Oh, he's just friendly.
Friendly, huh? I bet he makes out pretty good in this neighborhood.
Oh, darling, Joe at the gas station gave me back this check.
He said it's the wrong amount, and I should make out a new one.
You see, what I did is the bill was 45.58, and I don't know how I did this, but I made out a check for 78.60.
Well, the figure is not $78.60.
Oh, I know that... It's 7-8-6-O. You paid your license plate.
That's an odd one.
Oh, now, George, anybody can make a little mistake, even you. I'd like to talk to you.
How would you like to go to night school?
Where? Night school.
Yeah, just a couple of evenings a week.
Are you all right? Learn banking, bookkeeping, a little accounting.
Because these are the little things that keep our ship afloat. For example...
What does "amortization of a mortgage" mean?
(CHUCKLES) I don't care. I really don't care.
But you've got to care.
Oh, that's your department.
But it's important you know these things, too.
Now, what's the sense in both of us knowing the same thing?
Judy, please... Will you let me get dinner, George?
That's exactly what I wanna talk to you about.
This ham for example.
How much is a pound of Virginia ham these days?
I don't know. I didn't buy a pound. How much did you buy?
A half-pound. How much was it?
George, if I don't know what a pound costs, I certainly don't know what a half a pound costs.
Well, how do you know they're not cheating you if you don't know what anything costs?
Would you please tell me why you're getting so worked up over Virginia ham all of a sudden? It's not just Virginia ham.
It's the whole big principle.
George? You didn't lose your job?
No, no, I didn't lose my job.
I'll have that job the rest of my life.
Well, then, what are you worried about?
Sweetie, you better check on Arnold.
See if he wants to have dinner, huh?
We can eat in about a half an hour.
George, what does amortization mean?
Hindus had the right idea, Arnold.
When the husband died, the wife went with him.
Threw herself right on the funeral pyre.
Then he didn't have to worry about her.
Listen, George, I've been thinking and I wanna do this, so don't say no.
The fact is, I consider it a privilege.
I want to deliver the eulogy.
That'll be fine.
And don't you worry, buddy.
I'll give you one gorgeous sendoff.
I'm sure you will.
I just wish I could be around long enough to hear it.
Well, maybe, I can knock out a rough draft before you go.
You know something, Arnold.
Judy'll never make it alone.
Oh, no, don't look at it that way, George.
Look at it this way.
Judy's young, she's attractive, she'll probably get married again and...
I shouldn't say a thing like that with you not gone yet.
It's all right, Arnold.
Of course, it's a possibility.
Judy might get married again.
Suppose she married the wrong man like poor Janet Hart.
Do you remember Janet Hart?
Janet and Bill Hart, don't you remember?
Well, after Bill died, Janet needed somebody to lean on, so she turned to the first guy that came along.
One week after the funeral, she ran off with a bongo player from Birdland.
A bongo player?
Yeah. Took her for every cent.
Is that gonna happen to Judy, George?
Who knows? Judy could turn to the first man that comes along.
Arnold, there's no question about it.
Judy should get married again, but she must marry the right man.
Arnold, I've got to find her another husband.
I don't know. Somebody, I'll find somebody.
Well, I'm a married man, George.
The woods must be full of eligible bachelors.
(INSTRUMENTAL R&B MUSIC PLAYING)
Did it come yet, baby?
What, mi amore?
The 50 thou, the old boy's life insurance.
Is that enough, Vito?
For now, if we need more, we can sell the joint.
Mr. Kimball is here to see you, Mr. Akins.
You phoned us about the purchase of a final resting place.
Yes, I did. Sit down, won't you?
My, this has been a busy morning.
You didn't run into the Archers on your way in, did you?
Who? The Archers on Meadow Road.
You know them?
No, I don't think so.
Well, they're a family of eight.
They were all in. Wonderful to see them.
You don't get those big families anymore.
Well, I can understand your point of view.
Tell me, Mr. Kimball, are you familiar with Green Hills?
Do you have anyone residing with us?
Not as yet.
You saw our advertising campaign in the papers?
No, I must have missed it.
Well, I think I have a copy of it somewhere here...
Oh, yes. Here she be.
Really hits you in the eye, doesn't it?
Yes, it really does.
As you can see, we suggest the entire family all go out and select the final resting place together.
The kids love it. They have a ball.
I'll bet they do.
Now, if you'll notice, all the monuments in Green Hills are exactly the same height. Four feet.
As you see, it gives a wonderful impression of uniformity.
A sort of Levittown of the hereafter.
I like that. I like that. The Levittown...
Mr. Akins, if you don't mind, could we get down to business?
Yes, siree, Bob.
Just as soon as I find the old order pad.
Here we are.
Now, how many in your family, Mr. Kimball?
Just my wife and myself.
Oh, well. That's all right.
Chance of any little additions maybe?
Well, there might be another man along later.
I beg your pardon.
Mr. Akins, let me ask you a question.
Assuming the husband goes first, and then later on the wife remarries.
Then assuming that the wife goes next, and she's buried alongside her first husband.
Well, when the second husband goes, is he buried alongside the other two?
I mean, are they all put in there together?
Yes, that happens.
Well, make it for three.
I might as well go all the way.
All righty, reservations for three.
Now, how much is this?
We throw in the first year's gardening.
How's that hit you?
Now, I'd like to make this check out for cash, if you don't mind.
You see, I'd rather my wife didn't know about this.
You want to surprise her.
Well, this will give her a real thrill!
It makes a very thoughtful gift.
Let me show you.
We've got a lovely layout.
I think we'll put you in K-1, 2 and 3.
Sunset Hill, right next to Folded Wings.
Oh, you're lucky. You're lucky.
That's nice high ground.
Lovely view from here.
Sounds marvelous. It's a honey.
When will it be available to move in?
It's kept in tip-top shape at all times.
Whenever you're ready...
That's a comforting thought.
Well, thank you, Mr. Akins.
There's just one more thing.
And I think you should be made aware of it. What's that?
It's of no immediate concern, of course, but there are plans on the books for a state highway that would go right through Green Hills.
A state highway?
Not until 1980 perhaps, and that's not definite.
But in the event it does come to pass, we'll take care of everything at our expense.
What does that mean?
Well, we'll either move you to another location, or, if you wish, put you deeper under the freeway.
Well, either way, whatever the others do, I'll go along with them.
Fine and dandy.
I'll get the deed to you in a day or so.
You really enjoy your work, don't you?
Sure do. I wouldn't want to do anything else.
I like people.
Well, goodbye. Oh, and Mr. Kimball?
Your green stamps.
I'll hurry and change, sweetie. We tee off in 15 minutes.
Oh, I don't think I'll play today.
Oh, George! No, I don't think I'd better.
Oh, honey, I hate to play alone.
I'll meet you on the ninth green, okay?
Well, Arnold, I did it.
I went out and I bought a cemetery plot.
Oh, good. Good. Use it in good health.
I'm sorry. I...
I'm not in very good shape today.
I've got just one more thing to attend to, then I can stop all this gallivanting around and go to bed and wait.
A husband for Judy.
Look, I made a list of all the eligible bachelors around here.
Good morning, Arnold, George.
Hi. Hi, Sam.
What about old Sam Scheffing there?
Oh, he hasn't got a quarter.
Never could stand him, anyway.
I want a man who can afford to give Judy the things I went into debt for.
How about Paul Pendergrass?
He's playing tennis here today.
He's reasonably good-looking. Mmm-hmm.
Not as reasonable as you, George, but...
There's Harry Hanson.
And a great handicap. Two. Really?
Is he on your list? No.
Put him on the list. Fine competitor.
(SHUSHING) You're a fraud, Harry Hanson!
Be quiet. Be quiet. Sit down and be quiet.
You should be exposed!
Come on, now, let's find Judy. Come on, let's go.
George, hey. Hi, Arnold.
It's pretty discouraging, isn't it?
I said it yesterday and I'll say it again today, the woods are full of them.
What woods, George?
What's the difference, what woods? Any woods.
It's time for my pill.
It hardly seems worthwhile to take a pill.
I'm sorry, George.
Help! I can't stop!
JUDY: Look out, George!
Judy! Judy, wait! Arnold, hurry up!
No, no, no! Go that way.
Faster, Arnold, hurry up!
I can't stop! I'm sorry.
Somebody, stop this thing!
Step on it! I am!
It's all right, little lady, you're safe now.
Put me down. What's the matter with you?
Now, just a minute...
(LAUGHING) Bert Power!
Judy. Judy Hepplewhite!
Oh, Bert Power.
Gosh, you look wonderful, pretty as ever.
Oh, I don't. I look terrible. Look at my hair.
Judy. Judy Hepplewhite.
George. George Kimball!
Maybe we should just tiptoe away. We're intruding.
Bert, I'd like you to meet my husband George and our good friend and neighbor Arnold Nash.
Fellas, I'd like you to meet Bert Power, my college...
Sweetheart. Hi there, Arnold.
Oh, excuse me, George.
I thought you were the good friend and neighbor.
I'm not her good friend, I'm her husband.
For the time being, anyway.
So, you married little Judy Hepplewhite.
Yes, I did.
Oh, no offense.
What I meant was Judy was always, kind of, the campus queen.
Sort of figured she'd wind up marrying somebody like Cary Grant.
No, she just married me.
Well, I think she did just fine.
Oh, so do I.
And so do I.
Little Judy Hepplewhite...
Look, if you don't mind, her name's Kimball now because she married me and that's my name. Kimball.
Well, now, that's a perfectly good name. Don't change it.
Bert, what are you doing here?
Just flew in from Phoenix for a little business swindle.
You know, I think we ought to get you out of those wet clothes.
Why don't we go up to your little, old country club, have some lunch, then we can really talk?
Oh, marvelous! Okay? Good.
JUDY: I'm so glad to see you. Now, you could have got hurt out there.
Are we invited, too?
Oh, sure, come along. Come on, George.
Tell me, Burt, what are you doing these days?
As a matter of fact, I'm in oil.
Isn't that fascinating?
BERT: I tell you, it's marvelous tax-wise.
The government lets the first 27.5% go right into your pocket.
Listen, these people who're always bellyaching about not having any money, they should all get into oil.
Yes, it would certainly wipe out poverty.
By the way, George, what line of business are you in?
I'm with Connell Electronics Corporation.
You on the big board?
No, and we're not on the little board either.
Well, actually it's a small company, Bert, but it's very important.
They manufacture a little transistor just about this big.
Well, anyway, as George said in a speech once, that, without it, a whole city like Pittsburgh would be blacked out.
Well, from what I've seen of Pittsburgh, it'd look better blacked out.
JUDY: It's true.
Tell me, Bert, did your wife come with you?
My wife? I'm not married.
JUDY: What? BERT: Yeah.
JUDY: Bert Power, I don't believe you.
BERT: Well, it's true.
How did you escape?
Well, now, if you really must know, it's partly your fault, passion girl.
JUDY: (LAUGHING) Mine?
BERT: Yeah. George?
After you threw me over, I certainly couldn't settle for second best, now, could I?
Excuse me, please. I'll powder my nose.
George, your nose needs a little powder, too.
Bert Power... Doggone. It's been a long time.
Excuse me. I'll be back in a minute.
Why don't you order for me, passion girl?
I'd like the chef salad, vinegar, no oil.
George, George. What do you want?
Our worries are over. What?
We found a man for Judy.
(SHUSHING) Bert, of course. Bert Power.
Bert Power? Are you mad?
Judy married to that cornball?
Why, I'd... I'd live first!
Judy doesn't think he's such a cornball.
And he's loaded, George, he's loaded!
He's not the only one that's loaded.
(SHUSHING) Well, how much time have you got to look?
I'm sorry. But even if you find somebody you like, how do you know he's gonna go for Judy?
Not go for Judy? Are you kidding? That's impossible.
Nothing's impossible, George.
Two girls turned me down before Ruth said yes.
One of them even laughed in my face.
If it would make Judy happy...
And do you wanna know... Oh, hello.
Welcome back, George.
Oh, glad to be back, Bert, old man.
They're having a dinner dance here at the club tonight, Bert.
Why don't you come along as my and Judy's guest?
BERT: That's very kind of you, George, considering I'm not even deductible.
(GEORGE AND ARNOLD GUFFAWING)
BERT: I'll take care of the champagne.
In fact, I've never seen anything greater than Bert's backhand.
And those drives off the tee, every one of them was over 350 yards.
And wasn't it a pleasure playing bridge with him!
Did you ever see a more polished player?
Oh, he's all right.
Why are you trying to act so nonchalant?
You were very happy to see him.
Of course I was happy. I was very surprised.
Come on, you couldn't keep your eyes off him.
How could I help it? He was there all afternoon.
And remember, darling, it was your suggestion that we play tennis and golf and bridge.
As a matter of fact, you insisted, didn't you?
What's gotten into you?
Normally, if I spent that much time with another man, you'd be wildly jealous.
You always have been.
I'm not the jealous type at all.
Remember that last party at the Brinkoff's when Larry was helping me on with my coat?
You were livid.
Helping you out of your coat? He was helping himself.
There, you see? You were jealous.
Of course, I was jealous.
And wouldn't you be furious if I weren't?
Hey, I have to get my shower.
If I don't hurry, we'll miss the dance.
It wouldn't be the first one we've missed.
You shouldn't have invited Bert.
Your loving husband, the late George Kimball.
ARNOLD: Hey, George.
In here, Arnold.
I need help, old buddy.
I'm in no shape to wrestle with this... Later.
Later. I want you to hear something.
What you doing, George? Listen.
GEORGE: One, two, three...
My dearest Judy, by the time you hear this tape, I will be dead.
Yes, my hypochondria has finally paid off.
Forgive the jest, but as you see, I retain my sense of humor till the end.
My darling, I want to tell you how much I loved you and what happiness you gave me during our marriage.
When I found out that I was dying, I had grave anxieties about you and your future welfare.
It was for this reason that I felt you should remarry and that Bert would make an ideal husband.
I'm telling you all this, so you'll feel no guilt whatsoever about marrying Bert after whatever is considered a decent interval by your bridge club.
And now, my dearest, I must close with sincerest wishes for your future happiness.
Your loving husband, the late George Kimball.
Oh, that's beautiful.
That's just beautiful.
Hey, Arnold, you should take it a little easy.
You've been hitting that bottle pretty hard the last couple of days.
Yes, and I'm going to keep right on hitting it, too.
You may not need it, but I don't know any other way to get through this thing.
Be quiet. Judy's right upstairs.
George. Do me.
Come on, now.
George, I wanna tell you how proud I am of you.
The wonderful thing you're doing for Judy, so unselfish and un-noble.
Thank you, Arnold.
I mean, actually fixing your wife up with another man.
Does it bother you that Judy may marry this guy and, you know...
She wouldn't think of that with another man.
All she needs now is a companion.
Someone to walk with over the hill and down the other side.
That's a beautiful thought.
I'm gonna miss you, buddy.
I know you will, buddy.
You know something, old buddy?
The fact that the end is near seems to have sharpened all my senses.
See this tree here, Arnold?
Not too well, George.
And this table.
It feels so good just to run your hand over it.
So smooth and cool.
Well, all this is coming a little late for me, Arnold, this awareness.
Why couldn't I have felt like this every day in my life?
But you, you still have life ahead of you, Arnold.
Arnold? Arnold, wake up!
Feel alive, appreciate the beauty around you.
Don't you understand what I mean?
Every chance I get, I'm gonna feel a table.
Oh, boy, smooth!
(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Do you know that we haven't danced once this entire evening?
I know we haven't.
Well, what's the matter with you?
Aren't you feeling well? No. I feel fine.
Well, then why don't you ask me to dance?
Well, I mean, for me, I feel fine.
And that's not what you'd really call "feeling fine."
Why don't you ask Bert to dance again?
I have danced with that man... He's a marvelous dancer.
How do you know? Have you danced with him?
He must be a marvelous dancer.
He does everything so well, don't you think?
George. George... Yeah.
Hi, are you with us? Yeah, sure.
Darling, I don't think you know a George Kimball, do you?
No. George, this is Linda Bullard.
It's so nice to meet you.
You know, I think I've seen your wife at the supermarket.
Yes, I think she mentioned it.
Well, would you boys excuse me for a minute?
I must phone home and check with the sitter.
I won't be a minute, darling.
Why don't you ask me how things are going?
All right, how are things...
Well, George, if you hear of any other prospects, let me know.
Saturday night dance at the club is always good for a split up or two.
(SAYING GOODBYE IN ITALIAN)
Do you appreciate all the life around you?
Do you, Jacques?
Do you ever look at a tree?
I mean, do you ever really look at a tree? Jacques...
Did you ever... Did you ever feel a table?
Wake up, wake up. Live your life.
I love you, George.
Such a sweet little woman, somewhat like Judy.
She's falling into the trap of that small-time lecher, that...
What time, George?
I really should do something about it.
Do what, George?
At least one good deed before I go.
Go where, George?
It's strange, the way facing the great adventure changes all your moral values.
I'm gonna do it.
Do what, George?
It's so smooth.
I won't be home any later that 1:30.
All right. Bye. Bye-bye. Hi.
Mrs. Bullard, may I talk to you for a moment, please, in private?
Well, of course, Mr. Kimball. Good.
Does this have a familiar ring, Mrs. Bullard?
Look, I know your next few weeks are gonna be tough.
You're gonna be lonely.
Say, how would it be if we had a nice, quiet little drink together some night?
Please go on, Mr. Kimball.
Mr. Kimball, you just don't know how grateful I am to you.
No, I mean, you have prevented me from making a complete fool of...
A complete fool.
How can I ever thank you?
You don't have to thank me.
I'll never forget you for this. Never.
May I help you, Mr. Kimball?
Judy, Judy, wait.
Please, let me explain.
That'll take some explaining.
Kissing that woman in the checkroom.
That was no woman. That was Linda Bullard.
What? Yes. Linda Bullard.
You see, I was trying to tell her...
No wonder the Bullards are splitting up.
Judy, this isn't our car.
Don't try to change the subject.
I suppose the whole town knows.
The milkman, the bridge club, everybody but me.
What on earth are you talking about?
It all fits now.
What fits now?
Shoving me off onto poor Bert Power, so you wouldn't feel guilty going with another woman.
What do you mean?
Trying to send me to night school, so you could have all your evenings free.
Judy, you're making a terrible mistake.
I'm leaving you, George Kimball.
I wouldn't spend another night under the same roof with a...
With a swinger.
You're a playboy. And an adulterer.
Judy, I have something to say to you.
Give me those keys. Move over.
Then say it.
And please take the lipstick off your face.
Judy, I didn't wanna tell you this, but you have to know the truth.
I won't have you thinking that I'm unfaithful to you. Ever.
Especially now, at the ebb tide of my life.
It's true, I was trying to match you up with Bert.
But it was for a completely unselfish, yes, even a noble, reason that I wanted you to have somebody.
Have somebody? After I'm gone.
So that's it.
You're going away with Linda Bullard, that's what.
I'm not going with anyone.
Judy, do you remember, yesterday, when I went to see Dr. Morrissey about this pain in my chest?
You mean your indigestion?
Well, I lied to you.
Judy, my time is up.
That's right, George. It's time for another pill.
I'm dying, Judy. It's the old ticker.
Oh, George, if you don't stop...
Call, Ralph. He'll tell you.
I may only have a few more weeks to live.
There, there, now. Chin up.
At least, isn't it better than having another woman?
That's enough, Arnold.
I'll park here for a while.
Arnold, turn me around a little bit.
I'd like to look at my tree.
Now, if you want anything, I'll be right here, mowing your back lawn.
I already mowed your front lawn.
And it's beautiful, Arnold.
Hi, darling. Hi.
How are you feeling?
Well, perhaps a little weaker than yesterday.
I think sitting in this wheelchair is sapping my strength.
But, sweetheart, that's why we put you in it, to conserve your energy.
Well, I know, but...
And I got the tickets.
It's Flight 17. We leave at 7:45 in the morning.
When we arrive in Rochester, there'll be a limousine at the airport to take us directly to the Mayo Clinic.
Judy, I think it's useless, this trip to the clinic.
Useless? George, nothing is useless.
It'll be so costly.
I don't care about the cost.
Honey, they'll just prolong it.
Then I'll just lie there and linger.
One of the most expensive things you can do these days is to linger.
George, I don't care about the expense.
We'll spend every cent if we have to.
Thank you, Arnold.
Were you able to reach Dr. Morrissey?
No. Even his answering service doesn't answer.
You're kidding. No.
Oh, Arnold, to think that I accused him of being unfaithful, when actually, his motives were so unselfish, so noble.
That's one heck of a guy you got there, Judy.
When they made George Kimball, they threw away the mold.
Oh, still no answer.
I'm really through with Dr. Morrissey.
At a time like this, he goes fishing, Hippocratic oath and all.
You just wait till I see him.
Sit up, sweetheart. Come on.
It's good and hot.
All right, now back. Okay?
You know, Judy, you really surprise me.
Do I? Mmm-hmm.
You've always been so dependent, and here you are, taking this like a Trojan, handling everything.
Darling, I've never had to do it before.
You're the one who always took care of everything.
You know something? What?
If I had known it would be like this, I would have told you I was dying right away.
George, you should have.
Promise you'll never keep anything like that from me again.
And I won't.
We certainly had wonderful times, haven't we?
Remember that little Chinese restaurant just off Grant Avenue?
Yes. Where we first met.
Met? It was a pickup.
It was not. Was too.
You were just sitting there all alone trying to decide what to order, and I just walked over.
And you walked up and you said, "Excuse me, I'm having dinner with two friends, "and we're entitled to wonton soup, "and barbequed ribs and almond duck.
"But if we have a fourth, (CHUCKLING) "we also get chicken Canton and..."
Yeah, I guess it was a pickup.
Be right back, sweetheart.
Hi, there. I saw your lights on, so I thought I'd just drop by and see if you folks wanted some fish.
No, thank you, Ralph.
Please, Judy, you've got to take them off my hands.
I've got a whole carload out there.
Oh, really, Ralph? How nice for you.
And isn't it wonderful that you can just forget everything and go off like that?
Yeah, it doesn't happen very often.
Fortunately, I had nothing urgent to keep me.
So, I thought... Nothing urgent? The fact...
The fact that you have a patient who may be dying isn't urgent?
Look, all I can say is, Ralph, that I have never... I have never been so disillusioned with anyone in my whole life.
And you may as well know the truth.
I'll tell you straight to your face, Ralph.
I'm taking you off the case.
You're taking me off what case?
I don't know. I guess I've just been out in the hot sun too long.
The fact that you perhaps did not want to tell me is one thing.
But to go off and leave George when he's...
Did I hear you right, Judy?
Did you say George was dying?
Oh, stop it, Ralph!
Stop pretending with me. I know all about it.
And I'm flying him to the Mayo Clinic first thing in the morning.
Ralph Morrissey, how can you laugh at a time like this?
I have encountered many a hypochondriac in my time, but never anyone like that boy of yours.
Ralph, do you mean that it isn't true?
He had a complete physical checkup just two weeks ago.
I know he did.
George Kimball will outlive us all, unless he worries himself to death.
Then there's nothing wrong with him?
I told him that in my office on Friday.
How could he do a thing like this to me?
Why would he say he was dying?
I don't know. I am not a psychiatrist.
Although, the next time around, I might get into that.
Boy, they make a fortune!
What possible reason could he have?
Well, maybe he...
I don't know!
Why would he say a thing like this to me?
I'll tell you why.
Because I suspected him of having an affair with another woman, that's why.
And when I accused him of it, he thought he could cover it up with this ridiculous lie.
Now, Judy, my advice to any wife in these circumstances is just to try and forget it.
Although, to the best of my knowledge, nobody's ever accepted that advice.
And I'm not about to be the first.
That's what I thought.
Judy, wouldn't you like these fish?
They're awfully good for you!
No, I hate fish!
Then I guess I'll just have to eat the little fellows myself then.
Oh, my darling.
Oh, my darling, are you having another nightmare?
I think somebody... Somebody hit me.
It's all right, darling, I'm here now.
It's such a hot night, I thought I'd slip into something cool.
I'm suddenly very warm.
Oh, there, you poor angel!
Isn't that the perfume I gave you for our anniversary?
It's the one I exchanged for the one you gave me for our anniversary.
It's such a hot night.
Remember our fifth anniversary?
Remember? I made notes.
We came home right after dinner.
It was a night just like tonight.
With a full moon.
We had champagne on the patio.
Isn't it a shame we can't do the same tonight?
Darling, your condition.
You don't have the strength.
Oh, believe me, somewhere I'll find the strength.
Well, I think there's a bottle of champagne in the refrigerator.
I'll get it.
I'll get it.
Darling, didn't we have music?
No, but I think I hummed a little.
You're sweet, Judy. I really don't need a wheelchair.
Oh, darling, you need to conserve your strength.
(SINGING) You're a sweetheart...
Judy! Judy, let me... Let me in!
Judy, what's going on?
(BANGING ON DOOR)
Will you let me in?
Will you stop that banging down there?
What are you doing?
You'll wake up the dead!
But, Judy, what's wrong?
Ask Linda Bullard!
What'd you do that for? Will you let me in?
Judy, I swear to you, please let me in, or I'll catch my death of a cold.
Good, and be sure to give it to Linda!
Oh, my cold pills.
Hey, George. Hey. Thanks.
Will you open up the door?
You want to come in? Yes.
I'll open the door.
I love champagne, George.
How did you know that I ran out of booze?
How'd you get so wet?
Oh, shut up. Get me a pair of dry pajamas.
Listen, I just finished writing your eulogy.
Let me read it to you. It'll cheer you up.
No, I don't want to hear it. Yes, you do, listen.
"They needed a good sport in heaven, "so they sent for George Kimball.
"Yes, George Pomerton Kimball..."
Arnold! "The best..."
Arnold, I don't wanna hear it.
Well, we're rather testy, aren't we?
Yes, we certainly are.
Well, I guess I'll have to make a little change here.
"Unfailing good humor."
Judy has thrown me out of the house.
Thrown you out of the house, George?
Is this the best you've got?
Yes, till the laundry comes back, that's all I've got.
I know Judy, George.
She wouldn't do that without some reason.
Well, she happened to see a woman kissing me in the checkroom.
"Faithful and devoted husband."
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
It was all perfectly innocent.
Well, it's too long a story to go into now.
I'm gonna sleep in the kids' room, okay?
It's being painted while they're at camp.
You'll have to shack up with me.
The least a man can ask of life is to die in his own bed.
Which side of the bed do you sleep on?
I sleep right here. Ruth sleeps next to the window.
So does Judy.
What are you doing?
I like fresh air when I'm sleeping.
I will not be poisoned by damp night air.
"Courtesy and consideration for others."
Egad, you've got cold feet!
Complaints, complaints, nothing but complaints!
I could complain a little, too, you know!
You ever cut your toenails?
There she is, probably sleeping peacefully by now.
And she has the nerve to accuse me of... Me?
I don't know, George.
Methinks you complain too much.
Don't you give me that holier-than-thou routine.
I remember in Miami last February, you weren't just making goo-goo eyes at that waitress.
I have a good mind to tell Ruth when she gets back.
Keep it up, buddy.
You're gonna have the shortest eulogy on record.
Yeah, Douglas 2-O-O-2-4.
Hey, that's my number!
That's what he wanted. Who?
Winnie. Winnie Burr.
Winnie Burr? What'd you give it to him for?
(TELEPHONE RINGING IN DISTANCE)
I heard the horrible...
Well, I'm just heartbroken.
Who told you?
Yes, Winnie, I'm afraid it's all too true.
No, no, no... I don't think there's anything you can do to patch it up.
I guess the next few weeks will be tough.
I imagine I will be.
Look, Winnie, will you call me back later?
Oh, good morning, Mr. Kimball.
You'll have to excuse me for laughing, Mr. Kimball, but, you know, for a doomed man you sure look great.
How did you...
Dr. Morrissey told me. I made my first delivery there this morning.
Would you see that Mr. Nash gets that? Thank you very much.
You know, they look better on him.
Milkman! Good morning.
Of course I'm glad I'm going to live.
But it's just one lousy way of finding out, that's all.
I know you told me there was nothing wrong.
But you doctors should have a way of telling a patient there's nothing wrong, so he's really sure there's nothing wrong!
Does Judy know?
Oh, she thinks I'm covering up an affair.
No, I don't want any fish!
I took out so much last night, I think I'd better put some back in.
Oh, what's the matter, George?
I'm going to live.
That's the way to talk, George. That's the old fight...
No, no. You don't understand.
I just found out from Dr. Morrissey that I'm perfectly all right.
There's not a single thing wrong with me.
You mean, you're really not dying, George? That's right.
Why, that's wonderful.
Oh, thank heavens, George.
What was it? A mistake in the X-rays? They discover a new drug?
No, the whole thing was a complete misunderstanding.
It was all my fault. It was?
But you told me the old ticker...
I know I told you, but I was wrong and I'm sorry.
Well, you should be!
I've been drinking for three days on account of you.
I'm just beginning to sober up.
And, on top of that, I spent two days and two nights writing your eulogy.
And now you tell me you're not even dying!
Well, I feel like an idiot!
Crying, and drinking, and writing, and mowing.
Arnold, I said I'm sorry.
This is a horrible thing to put a fellow through! Your best friend.
News flash, she's packing to leave for Reno.
Listen, he's got to go sometime.
GEORGE: Your loving husband, the late George Kimball.
When was that dashed off, George?
Right after you concocted that wild bit about your number being up?
No, Judy, I...
To have an affair is bad enough, but for you to think that you can cover it up with that ridiculous lie!
When I think how you almost made a fool of me...
I was taking him to the Mayo Clinic.
You were a real brick, Judy.
Look, I'll tell my wife when she's a brick.
Bert, you're a man. What did he hope to gain?
Wouldn't he know that he'd be found out eventually?
I mean, when he says he's dying and he doesn't die.
Couldn't he see that I'd get suspicious?
Judy, I told you, once the doctor gave me some pills to take, I went to get some water... What did he hope to get out of this?
Oh, I don't know, Judy, sooner or later he'd probably come to you with that old story about a mistake in the X-rays or the discovery of a new drug.
That's a lie! And I would've believed it, too.
It's all very simple, isn't it, Bert?
But one thing went wrong, didn't it, George?
The doctor went fishing and he wasn't around to back up your little story about the old ticker.
Right, and by accident, you happened to see Dr. Morrissey first.
Do you mind if I put some clothes on?
Why can't you wear shoes like everybody else?
Well, she's really leaving me.
Tonight, the window stays open.
Arnold, you're a lawyer, right? Right.
You've seen these things, right? Right.
When a man's wife thinks he's having an affair, how can he convince her he's not?
He can't. But I'm not having one.
Doesn't make any difference.
Isn't a man innocent until proven guilty?
Look, boy, you're dealing with your wife.
You can forget the constitution.
You mean there's nothing I can do?
There is one thing. What?
Confess. And ask her to forgive you.
Forgive me? For what? For having an affair.
When I'm not having one? That's right.
Look, I've heard of guys lying out of it, but I'd be the first guy to lie into it.
Face the facts. You know you're not having an affair, right?
Right. But your wife is sure you are.
So why be stubborn? Admit it.
Well, I don't know.
Judy loves you. Anyway, she's used to you.
But she's a woman, and now what woman doesn't want to see her husband crawl a little?
Do you really think it would work?
Most women spend all their lives trying to get something on their husbands, and here you are laying it in her lap.
She'll eat it up.
All right, Arnold, I'll take your advice.
I'll confess to her that I've had an affair, beg her forgiveness, and that'll be that.
Isn't that easy.
I'm confessing. What more does she want?
They always want to know, who was she?
What does she look like?
How old is she? Do you love her? Where did you take her?
Did any of Judy's friends see you together?
They ask all that?
And what is most important, was it...
Was it worth it?
No, no matter how great it was, you've gotta say it wasn't so good.
I couldn't answer all those questions.
You've got to. You know what'll happen if you hem and haw?
She'll think instead of having one affair, you're having dozens, and you can't keep them all straight in your mind.
No, sir, when she asks questions, you've got to snap out those answers like that.
Just like that?
I'm telling you what can happen when you cop a plea.
Well, I'm not copping a plea. I'm an innocent man.
Arnold, she's really leaving!
I gotta stop her. Wait, wait! Let's take my car.
All right, Arnold. Hey!
Remember, just confess.
Confess to the whole thing.
Lay it on good and thick. She'll eat it up.
Judy. Judy, don't leave on that train.
George, let go of me.
Please, don't do anything rash!
I wanna confess, I've been lying to you and I've decided to tell you the truth.
And I wanna bring it all out in the open and confess everything, and then beg for your forgiveness.
I... I was right. You are having an affair.
Yes, and I'm a rat. Oh, you are!
Yes. Judy, please. Please. Please, Judy.
Let go of me, George. Get off of me.
Judy, isn't it better to discuss it, clear the air, and act like civilized people?
Oh, yes, it is better. Oh, it's better, dear. Believe me, much better.
It happened to me. I've had a lot of experience...
Will you keep out of this?
All right, let's discuss it.
Oh, you'd better ask questions.
I'll just snap out the answers.
All right. Who is she?
And it isn't Linda Bullard.
It isn't Linda? No, it isn't.
I spoke to Linda on the phone this morning, and she told me all about Winston Burr.
As a matter of fact, he called me, too.
But that's beside the point, George.
Well, who is she?
Her name is Dolores.
Where did you meet her?
At a health food restaurant. She asked me to pass the wheat germ.
Is she young?
Well, what is she, a chorus girl, or a stripper, or something?
Certainly not! She's a marine biologist and she works at the aquarium.
Did any of my friends see you two together?
Of course not.
By the way, she wasn't worth all the trouble.
Oh, who asked you for that?
No one. I just threw it in. Sort of a bonus.
When are you going to see her again? Never.
Never. Never. It's all over. Finished.
We've broken up.
After what you've told me, do you expect me to believe that?
Well, it's true.
George Kimball, don't you know I can always tell when you're lying?
I'm telling you the truth.
I'm never going to see her again.
I repent, I've turned against her, I loathe her.
I don't believe you've broken up.
Not for one minute do I believe you.
It's true. Dolores has left town.
I sent her away to New York, to start a new life.
What do you mean you sent her?
Well, she didn't want to go.
I mean, because she was broke.
I insisted that she go. Yes, I did. I insisted.
I gave her the money and I put her on that plane.
Oh, really, George? Yes.
Just how much money did you give her?
Well, I... I don't remember exactly.
Yes, I do. I'll prove it to you.
Here it is, a check made out to cash.
$1,000, and that's the end of Dolores.
And you were nagging me about the price of Virginia ham!
But it was worth it to save our marriage.
Well, it won't work, I'll tell you that right now.
What do you mean, not now?
While I was out there waiting to buy a ticket.
I was on my way to see a lawyer, that's what.
And then I started to think, am I doing the right thing?
George has never lied to me before and maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him.
So I didn't buy a ticket.
But now that you've confessed, George, it's all over.
I can't live with you another minute.
There's just no love left.
I feel nothing for you, but...
I certainly am to be pitied.
I don't suppose it would do any good if I denied the whole thing all over again?
If I told you I never had another woman, and I just made up this whole confession, hoping you'd forgive me?
Please, George, don't. Don't do it.
You'd only show your contempt for my intelligence.
Judy... I'm going home to pack.
And don't you try to follow me!
George? Where are you, George?
There you are, George.
Well? Well, it worked, huh?
I told you to confess, and it worked.
It didn't work? Not even a little bit?
It was a total failure, right?
Let me see if I can guess. You're going to hit me, right?
No, you're not going to hit me, are you, George?
But you're gonna hurt me a lot, aren't you, George?
But don't. Don't, George. George, please!
George? George, please.
Excuse me, is Mr. Kimball at home? No, he's not.
Are you Mrs. Kimball?
Yes, I am. But I'm very busy right now.
If you don't mind, I'll just handle these with you.
This is the deed.
And since he gave us his check for $1,000 made out to cash, I thought he should have this receipt.
He gave you a $1,000 check?
Yes, he did.
Why, for your plot in Green Hills.
Say, you must get your hubby to run you up there on Sunday.
It's lovely now. Everything's in bloom.
Just a minute, please.
You're telling me that my husband bought a cemetery plot?
Yes. Didn't he tell you?
Oh, doggone it. I could tear my tongue out.
He wanted this to be a surprise.
Hope this doesn't take the joy out of it for you.
No, no. Not at all.
So, he did make up that confession, didn't he?
There is no other woman.
But we did make arrangements for another man.
Yes, Mr. Kimball was very thoughtful.
He made provisions for a second husband.
It's a very unique idea. In fact, we're using it in our next advertising campaigns.
I just hope Mr. Kimball won't be angry because I let all this slip out.
I've got it, Mr... Akins.
Suppose we don't tell him? Now, you just take these and mail it to him, okay?
And that way he'll never know that I found out.
Good! Then he can still surprise you. Yes.
Oh, you're a good egg! Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Kimball.
Thank you, Mr. Akins. I'm sorry.
Don't worry, I'll slip out the back.
And don't be a stranger.
Will you at least let me drive you to the station?
Suppose I told you that I've changed my mind about leaving you?
What about my affair with Dolores?
I've decided to forgive you, George.
Don't you move.
Who was that?
It was the florist. Sort of.
(SHOUTS) Oh, George, what was that?
We have any iodine anywhere?