Senior Trip (1995) Script

Whoa, baby.

It's now officially 8:01, people.

Let's move it!

Come on, come on... while we're young!

Herbert Jones, get off my car!

Quickly, quickly, quickly.

Come on. Look lively, people. Come on.

Keep climbing... you won't get a nosebleed.

Button that up, Carla.

Herbert. Early Bird. Worm. Think about it.

Pull, Wanda. Pull.

Total destruction.

Any harm?

I don't think so.

Wait... there's a scratch.

Where, here?

People, um, say that acid causes, um, brain damage.

But, um...

What did you say? Hey, what class do we have now?



There's nobody in here.

Uh... everybody's dead, man. Nuclear annihilation.

D'Agastino and Barry!

It's alive.

It's precisely 8:26 and you two dopers are still roaming the halls.

Why aren't you two at the assembly?

Principal Moss, we've been lookin' everywhere for you.

What are you talking about?

This guy just totally trashed your car.

Not my new Buick?


We tried to chase him and everything, but he got away.

He, um, was wearing a Billy Joel T-shirt.

Get to the auditorium.


Look, even though I'm probably going to get into Yale, doesn't mean that I don't suffer from the effects of teen angst.

But I'm here to tell you that drugs and alcohol are not the answers to your problem...

Steve... President Dickhead.

Hey... fuck you, man.

Drugs rule!

Thanks for saving me a seat, Lisa.

Shut up!

Hey, man, what time's that suit have to be back?

As student body president, I am proud to bring you this special assembly. Fuck you, Nisser!

So... without any further ado, I give to you, direct from Salt Lake City, the music of High On Life.

Hey, there, Fairmount High. We're High On Life.

Sponsored by the wonderful people at Bounty Burger.

Get off, you freak!

Now, I know your teen years can be hard...

Show us your tits!

But just remember, you're not alone.

We all need a little love in our hearts.

Hit it, Jojo.

Go away, you suck!

Lift up your fellow man, lend 'em a helping hand Put a little love in your heart They look like Abba.

If you see it's getting late Oh, please don't hesitate Put a little love in your heart This sucks.

We have to save the assembly.

Let's do some Van Damme-age.

Will be a better place And the world Will be a better place For you And me

AV man. What?

Hey, guys. What's up?

Virus Man, we have to do something about this lip-syncing shit.

Cool! Whaddya got in mind?

Put a little Put a little love in your heart Put a little love...

What is going on here?

Calm down, now.

Let's settle down...


Why are you doing this to me?

I only want to help you!

Now, now, now. Calm down. It's gonna be okay.

Let got of me. I've gotta get out of here.

What the hell is going on here?!

Superb assembly, Principal Moss.

A, space.

B, space.


C, space.

D, space. Space.

Hey! How do you get this thing to work, man?

I say we're due for another Senior Class party.

This computer sucks.

Hey, Reggie.

Pretty cool how we trashed the assembly, huh?

What are you talking about?

Nothing. Nothing.

Um, where are we gonna have it?

How about your step-monster's place, 'kay?

No, no, no. This calls for something with a higher degree of difficulty.


Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. What?!

You wanna cut and go to a party?

Come on.

I know you like me.

Would you leave me alone?

I am concerned about you, Lisa.

You're gonna wake up one day and realize that you wasted all of your high school years studying.

And you're gonna wake up and realize you're a loser.


See you tomorrow, Mr. Bloom.




Don't worry. I'm a professional, I know exactly what I'm doing. Go.

The cars will stop. Go!


They never listen to me.

Fools. Never listen to me.

Never, never...

Hey, dude. You know how to get to 237 Stratford Road?

Dude, how about Sterling Ridge Lane?

He doesn't know.

What do you mean, he doesn't know? He's a crossing guard.

Hey, dickhead!

Don't you even know your way around the neighborhood?

That's it! Go! Go! Go!


Later, psycho. Pull over!

Nice job, buddy.

Get a life, loser!

Stop! Stop!


I said stop!

Come in.

Yes, Mrs. Winston?



I forgot why I knocked.

Mrs. Winston, are those cut slips you're holding?

My late husband once wrote a little poem called "Little..."

Yeah, must be another senior skip day.

D'Agastino thinks he can outsmart me.

Not in my domain.


What's up?

Cool party, man.

Oh, I have a mission for you.

You want me to torch the principal's house, huh?

Okay. But, uh, first, we need provisions, man.

Oh, okay.

Hey, guys, beer run.

Wouldn't it be cool to screw in the principal's bedroom?

Uh, hold that thought.

Well, what are you doing here?

This is a senior class party, isn't it?

Yeah. Well, then I'm in the right place.

What is it, Steve?

Sir, I thought you might want to take a look at this.

I found it on the floor of my science class.

"Dags and Reggie invite you to total destruction."

"Twelve o'clock. 237 Stratford Road."

That's your house, sir.

I know you. You're that smart girl.

You wanna get high?

No, thank you.

How's it goin', Lisa?

Are you out of your mind? What's the matter?

This is Principal Moss's house. Don't worry about it.

The party's gonna end at 3:00, we'll clean up, he'll never know.

Miosky! Miosky!

I'm not gettin' busted for this.


Happy birthday.

You think you're so funny, don't you, D'Agastino?

Well, none of your friends are laughing! They know you're the reason they're spending a Saturday in detention.

It's not my fault.

Well, then who is responsible for the mess in my house?

The school system.

Oh. Oh, oh, oh.

And how is it the school system's fault?

Well, um...

...the whole reason why I threw the party, Principal Moss, is because...

We're fed up.

Yeah. We're adults, you know, and you just keep bombarding us with your rules.

Stop treating us like kids. We are fully developed human beings.

You teachers are so out of touch.

We don't need this "A, space, J, space, Put A Little Love In Your Heart shit." We need a challenge.

You guys have to rethink this whole education thing.

It's just not working. Now, I'm not saying it's your fault.

I'm not blaming you. You're just a pawn in the game.

It's the government, man. The government sucks.

Well, uh... that you've enlightened me as to the real problem here, perhaps you should tell the President about your concerns.

In fact, I think you should all pool your ideas together.

I want you to draft a 500-word letter to the President on what you'd like the government to do in order to save our education system.

Now, Mr. Diplo will be in charge today.

Mr. Diplo, I've given these students an assignment.

Make sure they finish it by one o'clock.

If they're not finished, they can stay later.

I know just how to handle these students, sir.

Okay, lights.

Can you guys keep it down? I'm trying to write the letter.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Aw, come on, Susie. Everybody does it.

I don't know, Fast Eddie.

Don't you think we should use a prophylactic?

Don't worry.

I'll pull out at the last minute.

Do it! Do it!

Don't do it! No!

It's my doctor! Well, Susie...

... it looks like you're going to be a mother.

Don't worry, I'll pull out.

Don't worry, I'II...

What happened?

Because of her pregnancy, Susie was forced to drop out of school and never fulfilled her dream of one day becoming a secretary.

Poor Susie!

So you see, boys and girls, teen pregnancy is no joke. Four stars. This is great.

Senator, the President is on the phone.

What does that liberal wuss want today?

Good morning, Mr. President.

Senator Lerman, I just finished reading a letter from some students from your state expressing their concern over our education system.


This is one of the most intelligent letters I've ever read.

Wonderful, sir.

So I think it'd be a terrific idea to invite these students to Washington to speak on behalf of my bill.

I want you to fly to Ohio and give them my personal invitation.

Certainly, Mr. President. I'll leave first thing in the morning.

I appreciate that, Senator. Good day.

Good day to you...


"President's education care..."

I appreciate you picking me up at the train station, Principal Moss.

I'm very excited about getting the opportunity to teach.

I really think I can make a difference. It's just a typing class, Miss Milford.

Stick to Mr. Bloom's curriculum, and we'll all get along just fine.

What the fuck?!

Mrs. Winston, what's going on? Hello.

Why are the police here? That's why I came out here.


Senator Lerman is visiting some of the students.

Which students?

D'Agastino and some of his buddies.

Oh, my God!

They're with the press right now.

Where are they?

Where are they?!

Senator Lerman is visiting some of the students...

I think it's a proud day for Fairmount high that the President has asked these fine, upstanding students to speak on behalf of his education reform bill.

We need bright young leaders for the future of this nation.

Who else is better to comment on this country's educational problems than the students themselves?

By golly, I think the President has really hit a home run on this one!

Is this a bipartisan effort on behalf of you and the President?

No, no, I... I cannot take any credit for this.

This is the President's decision.

I had nothing to do with this whatsoever.

I am only an errand boy.

Now, if that's all, ladies and gentlemen, I will see you all in Washington. Buy American.

Senator, one more question!

Senator Lerman, I'm Principal Moss.

I'm sorry I wasn't at the meeting. I was picking somebody up.

You just make sure those kids are down in Washington in two days.

Washington? They're going to Washington?

That's the plan. They're speaking on behalf of the President.

May I suggest some other students?

No, sir. Those are the students who wrote the letter, those are the students the President wants...

...and those are the students our President is going to get.

No excuses.

You get those kids to Washington, or it's your ass. Got it?

Yes, sir. Have a nice day.

Let's go, son.

Oh, yes, yes.

Frank Hardin, please.

Frank, Lerman here. Now, listen up, old friend.

The President has just set himself up for a major downfall.

And I do mean major.

Now, I see this as a perfect opportunity to make a lot of money.

Would you be interested in a little proposition?

Great. I'll call you as soon as I get to Washington.

You boys get off your bikes and get to class!

Get going!



I guess you're wondering why I asked you here in the middle of the night.

I need a...

...special favor from you, Steve.

Something that'll be...

...our little secret.

You up to it?

What are you doing?

I thought you...

I don't want that, you idiot! Sorry, sir.

I need a narc on the trip to Washington.

What's in it for me? How about meeting the President?

The President... that would almost assure my acceptance into Yale!


I need you to befriend D'Agastino and his buddies and report everything they do back to me.

You can count on me, sir.


We have to do everything possible to make sure nothing weird happens.

Captain's log 94237.4.

I've just received a priority communication from Starfleet Command that an alliance between the Klingons and the Romulans will occur right here on Earth.

Our mission: to infiltrate the Klingon crew and to kidnap the Romulan leader.

Computer, scan file on Klingon crew.

Computer, identify Klingon leader.

Just as I thought.

Computer, identify Romulan leader.

Mr. Spock, your analysis?

I agree. We have to stop 'em.

Lieutenant Uhura, accompany me to the transporter.

Mr. Spock, you have the bridge.

I told the bus company to have him here at precisely 7:30.

Is that our bus?

You guys going to Washington?


That's the driver?

Name's Red, man. Sorry I'm late.

We're never gonna make it to Washington alive.

Come on, hop in.

Hey, let's go!


Hi. Tracey Milford, teacher and chaperone.

Well, welcome aboard. Just grab a seat.

Thank you.

Hey, hold it. Where do you think you're goin'?

I'm getting on the bus.

You're on the wrong bus, dude. This is the magic bus.

I'm counting on you to stick to the schedule.

It's precisely...

...8:06. Let's get going.

Principal Dickhead.

Well, let's rock 'n' roll!

Yeah! Washington!

Shuttlecraft to Enterprise.

Opening shuttle bay doors.

Cloaking device down.

Welcome aboard, Lieutenant. Shuttlecraft disengage.


Uh, no, thanks. I'm driving.




Thanks, Virus.


I just saw that psycho crossing guard guy in a car with Lieutenant Uhura.

Sure, dude.

Mama talkin' to me tryin' to tell me how to live...

Hey, Virus. Hey.

Let me get your advice on something.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, sure, Dags.

What do you think about Lisa Perkins?

I mean, she's lookin' really good, huh?

Perkins is a head case, man. How do you know that?

I did her last year on the Math Club trip. She want totally psycho on me.

You did Lisa Perkins? Yeah.

But, you know, don't ask her. She'll just deny it, you know.

If I were you, I'd go for Meg. Meg's gay.

Yeah, but if anyone can change her, you can, Dags. Yeah!

I don't think so, Virus. You know what I want to do?

It speaks. It speaks.

I want to do a Jap.

Hey, what about Carla Morgan? I think she's half-Jewish.

Not that kind of Jap. A real Jap... from China.

With silky-soft skin, almond eyes, and long, straight, blond hair.

A blond Japanese.

They're a rare breed, but they're out there... and I'm gonna find one.

If you all check your itineraries, you'll see that this is the only stop we're making between now and Washington.

So I suggest you take care of whatever necessities come to mind.

Like takin' a whiz.

Now, I'm setting the alarm on my watch for ten minutes.

When this alarm goes off the bus will leave, with or without you.

Pop quiz, hotshot.

You have ten underage students craving alcoholic beverages in a store containing your high school principal.

What do you do?

What do you do?

Take out the principal.

Hey! I want no trouble from you people! You hear me? Behave!

I hate when I get blamed for something before I do anything wrong.

Hey! And you two girls... what are you doing?

Move away from there!

Hey! Put that down!

The mouse has entered the trap.

Time? Seven minutes and counting.

Hey, what are you... I'm getting my food!

It wasn't my fault!



In seventh grade, my Aunt Jennifer took me aside one day and she said, "Tracy, one day you're gonna grow up and be a teacher... and a darned good one!"

And then in eighth grade... oh, wow...

Mission accomplished.

Where's Reggie? Bringin' the last load.

Come on, Reggie, Moss is coming!

Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!

Sit down.

Open the door.

I'm sorry, man, we got a schedule to keep.

Open the door!

What's the magic word?

Open the door!

What's the magic word?


The magic word's "rock 'n' roll," man.

What happened to you? Did you piss all over yourself?

Carry on.


Yes, Admiral Kirk. I understand. Travis out.

New orders from Starfleet.

The Klingon leader is to be terminated.

Phasers on "kill," Lieutenant... phasers on "kill."

I shall put an end to your dirty Klingon ways.

Tell me, how you gonna make my Bounty Burgers richer with this education care package?

Simple. Once this busload of retards hit Washington, the President's gonna look like such a moron that no one in their right mind is going to back his bill.

That's when I introduce the Senator Lerman education reform bill.

That's all fine and dandy, but I could give two diddlies about education reform.

Frank, what if there was a clause in my bill that states that Bounty Burger is going to replace the cafeterias in all the public schools?

Bounty Burger in every school would make me billions.

It's all outlined in here.

What's this gonna cost me, Lerman?

Just a meaningful donation to my bid for the presidency.

You can look on it as an investment in America.

Over the river and through the woods To Grandmother's house we go, hey!

The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh Through the white and drifted snow Hey, look!

'Afternoon. Listen, I'm having a little car trouble.

Could you give us a lift?

Are you going to the convention?

Yes. So are we.

Climb in.

Are you all right? You look terrible.

Sometimes I get a little carsick. I'll be fine.

Maybe we should pull over. No. No pulling over.

I'm not going to throw us off schedule.



Could you please keep the noise down to a hush?

Principal Moss is feeling very ill.

Puke! Puke! Puke!

I'm not going to be sick, and we're not stopping the bus.

Principal Moss is gonna puke!

I wish there was something I could do.

Here, man. Give him one of these.

What are they?

It's a carsick pill.

Little large, isn't it? Yeah, well, it's, uh...'s a bus-sick pill.

Hey, take it, man. Look, it's all natural. See?

Thank you.

Feeling better already, aren't you?

Travis to Excelsior. I have Klingon vessel in sight.

Follow that bus, Mr. Sulu.

Sulu? I'm Mr. Woo.

I see... traitors to the Federation!

God, no! Nobody move!

Hey, don't shoot!

Is that a Walther PPK semi-automatic? Yes.

I'll cover Mom.

Full speed ahead, traitor.

Principal Moss.

Principal Moss.

Principal Moss!

Is he dead?

No, he ain't dead, man. He's just in a coma.


I guess that carsick pill's workin' on him.

It should, man, it's a red.

Horse tranquilizer.

But I saw you take a handful of them.

They don't work on me, man.

That's why they call me Red... I'm immune.

You wanna play cards, or what?


Moss is in a coma. Let's party!

Rock 'n' roll!

Heroin, huh?


Can I, like, buy some off you?

Looks like my good qualities are beating my bad qualities.


Oh, hey! Hey, hey, hey! Calm down. Calm down.

Hey, look. I think It's time that you and I called a truce.

What do you say?


Look, so why don't you dump your books and come back and party with us?

I can't. Why not?

Nobody likes me.

That's not true. Yes, it is.

Everybody thinks I'm a frigid head case.

Well, Virus and Reggie do, but I don't.

Look, you could prove 'em wrong by coming back and partying with us.


I can be fun.

All right.

Hey, look who's joining us! Hi, guys.

Doesn't he look pretty?

Oh, that's much better, man. Much better.

He's my pretty little principal.

Hey, look!

Carla! Carla! Carla! Carla!

Twenty-two bottles of beer on the wall Twenty-two bottles of beer You take one down...

This is the greatest! Right, Herbert?


I've been thinking about our impending relationship, which I think is a good idea.

And as long as you don't talk too much, you let me call the shots, and my parents never, never, never find out about you, I think it could work out between us.

Are you paying attention to me?

Twenty bottles of beer on the wall Stop it, Virus.

Twenty bottles of beer Dags...this is serious.

Take one down, pass it around, twenty bottles...

Spock! Shuttlecraft has encountered strange alien matter.

Have Chekov scan computer bank.



Hey, Reg, man, gimme a beer.

I'm gettin' cotton-mouth.


Oh, man.

Boy, you guys, man, you sure don't know how to party, man.

Boy, when I was your age...

...well, we partied, man.

Well... about party, might as well get one goin'.

Hey, you at the back of the bus.

Tell your driver to pull over.

Pull over now!

Shields up.

Red alert.

Oh, shit!

Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

Hey, Red, the party's over, man. Chill out, dude.

Red, you're making us a little nervous.

Do you think you could slow down?


Red's dead!

We're gonna die! We're gonna die!


Stop the bus!

Too late.

I'm gonna try and jump the water.

Stop the bus, you idiot!

All right. Hold on, everybody.

Steady as she goes.


That's cool.

Red ruled, man! Don't cry, okay?

Check it out.

This is him in his prime and stuff.

Bye, guy. We'll see ya, okay?

He's the Dope King, you know?

See? The Dope King, man. Long live the Dope King!

It was bad. And he had the phaser. He did.

We're dredging the water now, but there's no sign of your Star Trek man.

We're gonna have to submit you to a breathalyzer test, Mr. Woo.

I told you not to pick him up, asshole.

Come on, come on. Gather 'round.

What are you people trying to do to me?

We're not even in Washington yet, and we already have a...

...a fatality! Principal Moss?


Is there something I can help you with, Officer?

I'm gonna need a number and an address where I can get in contact with you. Yes.

"Fairmount High School." Must be quite a place.


All right, everybody, back on the bus!

Go on! I'm driving!

Lieutenant! Lieuten...

Thank God! Klingon fools.

This is all my fault. Maybe we should cancel the trip.

No. We're not canceling the trip.

And no more talking!

I'm not gonna have you people making a fool out of me.

Now... stay here, don't touch, and don't move.

I'm outta here.

Good afternoon. Welcome to the Bradgate. How can I help you?

Hello, there...Peggy.


Todd Moss.

Principal, Fairmount High.

I believe you have some reservations for us.

Fairmount High. Let me check the computer.


We're here to meet the President.

I'll get you some stationery.

Over here! Where? Where?

Quit pushing me! Wrong way!

Now look what you did! That's not my fault.

Sorry, Principal Moss.


Torture stuff.

Check this room out.

Swing! I love it.

Hey, do you have a screwdriver?

This place is a dump.

Now, Steve, this is the only vacancy we could find.

Let's try to make the best of the situation.

My parents are gonna know about this.

All right, students.

Bus leaves in five minutes for the Washington tour.

Do we have to go? Well, of course, silly.

It's the best part of the trip. See you in five.

That chick needs to get laid.

Yo, check this out.

That's disgusting. Can he see us?

I don't think so.

Over there is the Lincoln Memorial.

Over there, students, is the White House.

And over there was the Jefferson Memorial.

This sucks.

Can't we get off the bus just for one picture?


Please. We came all this way.

Come on, come on, gather 'round, gather 'round.

Let's get this over with. Well, now, students, J. Edgar Hoover was director of the FBI from 1924 until his death in 1972.

He was a great American.

He was a fascist transvestite, and I hope he rots in hell.

Hey, why can't we see Kennedy's eternal flame?

You people don't deserve Kennedy. Who's Kennedy?

Come on, hurry up, we haven't got all day.

Squeeze in.

Come on, come on, let's look as though we're having a little bit of fun.

Come on, turn those frowns upside-down.

Leave me alone. Okay, here we go.

Virus, pull my finger.

Come on.

One, two...

...three. Cheese!


What stinks?

Tour's over.

What? I don't believe it. They blew out Hoover's flame?

My God, these kids are bigger shitheads than I thought.

Senator, the students from Fairmount High are here.

Send 'em in. I'll talk to you later.

Welcome to Washington. How's the trip been so far?

Wonderful. No problems at all.

Good, good.

So, tell me... have you kids given any thought to what you might say to the committee about education reform?

Yep. We're gonna tell 'em that the education system sucks.

Sucks dick. That's not what they mean, sir.

Why not? Well...

I think it's great. I do, too.

Now, remember, the President invited you kids down to Washington because he wants you to tell the nation how you really feel about school.

So if you think the education system sucks dick, then, by golly, you tell them.

Can I have your promise on that? I promise.

Excellent, excellent.

Excellent. You've done a good job with these students, Principal Moss.

I'll look forward to seeing you all tomorrow.

It's a great day for Americans.

Quickly, quickly, quickly. Come on. Let's get out of here.

Come on. Dick.

I think he gets high.

Oh, God! Yes!

Oh, deeper!

Oh, Forrest!

Come in.

I checked all the rooms. Everyone is present and accounted for.

Very good. Thank you, Miss Milford.

Oh, my gosh... Lassie!

I love Lassie!



Do you mind if I watch? All I get is pornos on my TV.



All right.

You're on.

Candygram for Miss Milford.

Here we go, bro.

Good job.

Miss Milford, we've been looking for you.

We wanted you to know how cool it's been, you know, you showing us around Washington and everything.


So we got you some candy.

I don't know what to say.

How did you know I like chocolate?

'Cause it's all you ever eat.

Well, we gotta go to bed. Bye. I'm so tired.

I really think they're starting to respect me.

It was so nice of the children to buy me their little gift.

They're not so bad.

They just... lack a little guidance.

Go, Milford! Nice!

Very nice!


Can I ask you a question?

Are my breasts too small?

I think they're...


Are you sure?


Miss Milford, I don't think this is...

Miss Milford!

I hope Todd appreciates what we've done for him.

Let's rock!

Now, wait just a minute. Have any of you considered the consequences if Principal Moss finds out?

Hey, let's go to that cool hotel. The schedule said they're havin' a party.

Yeah, good idea, Virus.

Back! You leave me no choice.

As student body president, I am placing you all under citizen's arrest.

You are all confined to your rooms until I get Principal Moss.

Miosky, take care of this guy.

Lay a hand on me and I'll sue.

Principal Moss!

Did you see that? It's shocking!


If I don't get laid tonight, everyone's gonna think I'm a loser.

By the way, have you seen those Kennedy boys?

I hear they're lots of fun.


Good one, Herbert!

What... what is that girl doing?

This party sucks, man.

I thought Washington was supposed to be cool, Reg.

Hey, Reg, When you gonna get off your ass and make a play on Wanda?

Hi, sugar.

Frank Hardin, CEO, Bounty Burger Enterprises.

Would you take your hands off me?

Now, why don't you and me saunter up to my room for a little party?

Get away from me, you geriatric lush.

I'm not gonna let you go till you take this key.

I could pay you, if you'd like.

Hey, are you all right? I'm fine, thanks.

You want me to kick his ass?

Get the group. I'm throwing a party.


Look, if you're on your knees with a table cloth over your head, who's gonna notice?

Oops! Sorry.

Did you ever wonder if Jason has nightmares and if Freddy can invade his nightmares?


I think about that all the time.

You do?

Me, too.

Can, um, I try an experiment?


You're, um... pretty.



Hospital sources have no explanation for the sudden disappearance of the mysterious man now known as The Flamer.

He was last seen here captured on a home video camera running, in flames, through Arlington National Cemetery.

Police have been searching for the human torch, but there are no leads at present.

From Washington, I'm Gus Feely.

Hey, Virus.

Bet you never made moves like this in your chess club.

Wanna screw?

Excuse me.

Yeah, it was great for me, too.

No, come on.


Help! Somebody help me!

I'm Miosky. I'm here to save you.

What happened?

Uh, I don't know. Um, I'm comin' in, okay?

I'm scared. Don't be. It'll all be all right.

What's your name?

Du Mi.

So... here we are.

Just the two of us.

First night in Washington.


Listen, you were right about all those things you said to me.

What things?

You know, about waking up and realizing I've wasted my life studying.

Studying sucks.

I'm not gonna do it anymore.

You're not gonna study anymore?

No, I'm not gonna waste my life.

Oh, cool.

I need to ask you for a favor.

Sure. What?

Well, I've been thinking about this, and...

I've decided that I don't want to go to college a virgin.



Mission accomplished.

One second.

Excuse me, Miss Milford.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, what have I done?!

What have you done? What about me?!

Two days on the job and I'm already doing it with the boss!

I'm such a whore!

Moss, are you in there? The senator.


We're dead.

Open the door, Moss.

Just a second, sir.

We're gonna be late if...

We're due at the Capitol and you're porking the math teacher?

Keyboarding teacher. Whatever.

Don't just stand there. Get your clothes on.

Let's get going. I'll wait outside. Yes, sir.

Students, are you up yet?

Open the door!


Don't worry, sir. I'll find them.

I gave you one thing to do and you screwed it up!

Not to worry, sir, not to worry. I'm sure they're around here somewhere.

It's a pretty big city, jackass!

They could be anywhere! Oh, my God. I think I found them.

Eat this!

What's that? Goat.

This is ridiculous. Um, I think they're this way, sir.

This way! This way! Wha...?

It's all just a big set-up.

Here they are, sir.

Well, kids, as you can see, we've all overslept.

So let's get moving. Quickly. Quickly.

No, we're not going anywhere with Senator Bung-hole.

Senator Bung-hole?

D'Agastino, shut up and let's get going.

Not until you've heard the facts, Principal Moss.

It appears that Senator Lerman has invited us to Washington for the sole purpose of embarrassing the President in order to destroy his education bill.


Everything we need to prosecute is in here.

How did you get ahold of this?

That, uh, information's on a need-to-know basis.

You're out of your league, boy.

Senator Lerman, I can't believe I'm hearing this.

Oh, shut up, you little slut.

Now, wait a minute, Senator.

These kids may not be the cream of the crop, but that doesn't give you the right to walk all over them.

And as for Miss Milford, I think you owe her an apology.


I don't need you. I don't need any of you.

I'll find another way to pass my bill.

And as for you, you pitiful excuse for a principal, you're finished at Fairmount High.

In fact, I'm gonna make sure you never work in another school system again.

Got it?

Eighteen years of teaching down the drain.

What am I gonna do?

Hey, don't worry, dude. We're gonna put in a good word for ya. Huh, guys?

Sure. You got it.

Hey, we got a serious problem on our hands.

What's the matter? The senator's got Miosky.

Miosky! Miosky, don't go!

What's the hurry?

Miosky! Miosky! Miosky!

Don't go with him! Come here, man!

Stay here! Miosky!

Come on now, son, we can't keep the President waiting, can we?

Miosky, don't get in the car!

Don't go! Christ!

Well, this was an interesting field trip.

What are we gonna do? Go home.

No! We can't let this happen.

But if we go, we're only gonna make the President look worse.

Like Vietnam... no way to win.

What we need is a miracle. Yeah.

Like the time the school got torched right before finals.

That was us. That was us.

That was you? Yeah.

Now, if we can stop finals, then we certainly can stop some bung-hole senator. Right, AV Man?

Yeah, right, Dags. Let's get him.

Let's go! Yeah, let's go!

Hey, Todd.

Waitin' on you, man.

You mean... you want me to come with you guys after all the rotten things I've done to you?

You're one of us now.

Yeah. Yeah, come on.

We don't have time for this.


I'm coming.

Yeah! All right!

Oh, yes, you look just fine.

What are you doing? You drive too slow.

But I wanna be the driver!

You can be the timekeeper.

Let's rock 'n' roll. Yeah!

Now, listen here.

You just wait until they call for you.

Make me proud, son.

Time? Two minutes till Miosky!

Turn here. It's a shortcut.

Spock, beam me up. Spock, I'm ready now!

About a week ago, I received a letter from some very bright students, addressing their concerns about education reform.

As your president, I have always taken it upon myself to reach out to the youth of America and hear their voice.

So, without any further ado, I present to you the future of America.

Move it! Move it! Move it! Move it!

Hurry up! Come on! Move! Move! Move!

This way!

Why don't we move on to some Q & A?

Uh, tell me, son...



What do you see as the problems afflicting our schools?



That man is mentally challenged!

Who are you people? Mr. Chairman, this is outrageous!

We're the students of Fairmount High.

Sorry we're late. What's going on here?

Mr. Chairman, they're out of order!

Aren't those the kids from the party last night?

Yes, they are. Mr. Chairman, can we continue?

We've already heard from the representative from Fairmount.

Let us speak!

Let us speak! Let us speak! They're out of order, Mr. Chairman!

Let us speak! Let us speak! Point of order! Point of order!

Order! Can we have them removed?


I'll give you just one minute.

Uh, say something intelligent, okay?

Mr. President, we came here to inform you that you're the victim of deceit.

Senator Lerman is using Miosky to embarrass you in order to push through his own education reform bill.

That's an out-and-out lie!

How dare you! Mr. President, this is outrageous.

By God, I was trying to protect you from these juvenile delinquents.

You're the delinquent!

I've barred them from these proceeding because I have reports, Mr. President, reports that they looted a Quickie Mart, blew out Hoover's flame, No way, man. and were responsible for the death of their bus driver!

Look, maybe we are screw-ups...

I mean, we didn't even write the letter. Lisa did, and she's an honor student.

Now, I haven't had the time to read it yet, but I bet what she wrote about education reform was really smart.

Yeah. You government people need to make sure that future generations get a good education... so they don't wind up like us.

We're soiled, but it's not too late to save others.

Yeah! Yeah!

And, uh, one final thing.

We didn't kill Red. He partied to death!

Yeah! Yeah!

Uh... come on, guys. They're not buying it. Let's go.

Dag rules!

Lerman, I want to see you in my office this afternoon.

Mr. President... Get out of my sight!


Never underestimate Fairmount High.

Got it?

Whoo, Todd!

See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya! Loser!

He is nothin' but a loser!

Wasn't this trip just great?

Get real... it was a nightmare!

Come on. Let's get back on the bus before something goes wrong.

Hands are weary Eyes stay closed Women like these Who break in

I wanna see you Tomorrow the green grass Oh, my love Who stands by you when I call?

Once had a good home Won't fall back on Don't you think kindness has an end?

I wanna see you Tomorrow the green grass Oh, my love Who stands by you when I call?

Tomorrow the green grass, tomorrow the green grass Tomorrow the green grass, yeah, yeah, yeah Tomorrow the green grass, tomorrow the green grass Tomorrow the green grass, the green grass

Starry maple Signs stay closed Back in my pocket's all you hear

I wanna see you Tomorrow the green grass Oh, my love Who stands by you when I call?

Tomorrow the green grass, tomorrow the green grass Tomorrow the green grass, yeah, yeah, yeah Tomorrow the green grass, tomorrow the green grass Tomorrow the green grass, the green grass

Tomorrow the green grass, tomorrow the green grass Tomorrow the green grass, yeah, yeah, yeah Tomorrow the green grass, tomorrow the green grass Tomorrow the green grass, yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Sunshine Are you outside?

I am a simpleton by choice Not speaking to hear my voice Sunshine Why are you sleeping?

Gotta get outside Cover the ground on foot Not hitching around your spur Over the river and through the woods I've come this far to bring in the goods I get high even when I don't try Let 'em pass by with a wink to the eye I reserve the right to be stoned I reserve the right to take it to collect them sums I have the right Don't try to be, there's really no point in you biting me I'm glad to see that it's easy for me to be an MC Let me tell you a little story Like my dog Bobby hated the pool man So I tried to play Kotter and make things cool And I said, Just let him smell you, hold out your hand He reached on out and them - Bam! - he bit him He bit him so fuckin' hard Blood was steady gushin' all over my back yard I kept apologizin', I felt so fuckin' bad The dude was so cool, he didn't even get mad He said, Man, don't sweat it, that's the dog's meaning Took some Neosporin and went back to his cleaning Thought I had a dream or else it was a movie Your mind can have a joint, easy like jungle boogie

$600 freebie and I got my job Would you mind come, but I gots the dog Come, you can foam the water with the bone I wanna tell my mom, ring her on the phone Cherry Popsicle, icy cold freezing Loves it on his gums now that he is teething Got a wee-wee pass, lay then by the door Nasty little shits, he dropped them on the floor Sunshine Are you outside?

I am a simpleton by choice Not speaking to hear my voice Sunshine Why are you sleeping?

Gotta get outside