Sex Tape (2014) Script

Do you remember the first time your husband saw you naked?

Do you remember what it felt like?

Do you remember what he felt like?

Holy motherfuckin' fuck! Oh, my God!

Holy fuck! Oh, my God!

Again? Fuck, yeah.

Now, this might be a little harder.

Do you remember the second time your husband saw you naked?

Annie, you coming?

We're gonna be late. Wake up, sleepyhead!

Annie! Shit.

Hey, guys. I totally overslept.

Okay. Well, you can meet us. Okay. That sounds...

I saw your butt. Just standin' there. Did you?

I never seen your butt before.

I had no choice.

We accidentally left the door open.

I mean, can you even imagine a world where you accidentally leave the door open?

I love fucking you.

I fucking love you.

For Jay and I, the next few months were a blur of constant naked, sweaty, ugly, amazing sex.

Okay. I got it.

Oh, God!

I'll probably be pretty hungry after this. It's been a while since I've eaten.

I can make you a sandwich.

We could probably make a burrito out of shit we have here.

Okay.

No!

Holy Mary, mother of...

And let's face it.

The erections.

Oh, God. Do you remember the erections?

Erections everywhere.

If the Wind blew.

If he ate certain foods.

If he watched any movie.

If he got sleepy.

If he woke up.

Good morning.

Sometimes, I swear his erection knew I was in the area before Jay did.

Annie?

Everywhere we went, everything we did, was another opportunity to have sex.

Do you think we should be doing this right here?

Baby, honestly, I don't think anyone can tell what's happening.

It's not that it was just sex.

But we knew that there was always more sex just around the corner.

Then, it happened.

Dad.

Mom.

Jay and I have some big news.

We're in love. We're pregnant and we're getting married.

Come again? Honey, wait. What?

Are you sure? Yeah. I took the test three times.

No, honey. No, I mean, are you sure that now is the right time?

You're both very, very young and who knows what the future holds?

Greg?

Jay.

Yeah. Where are you from again?

Mr. and Mrs. Grovner, I know that we just met.

But when I first met Annie, I knew that she was the one.

And so I think, once you get to know me, you're gonna feel a lot better about this moment than you do right now because I really love your daughter.

I love you.

Oh, boy.

Well, goodbye, sex.

Dad! Walt.

What? What?

They're not right, are they? No, of course not.

I don't think.

We're not too young? Oh, we're young. You know?

But we definitely know each other.

Greg, right?

Yes, I'm Greg.

Look, here's what I think. They're right.

We don't know what the future holds.

But I also think that whatever the world throws at us, let's deal with it, right?

Yeah. You know?

But what about the sex part?

Are you still gonna wanna have sex with me even when I am big and fat and pregnant, and then later when I'm somebody's mother?

Yeah! Yeah. Really?

Babe, my dick can see the future. That's why we call it Nostracockus.

What about you? Are you gonna wanna have sex with me?

Yes, I'm gonna wanna have sex with you.

Yeah? Yes!

Do you know why I'm gonna wanna have sex with you?

My butt? Because of your butt, babe.

We promised ourselves nothing would change.

That we wouldn't let it.

And even though it was awkward sometimes, we made it work.

If you could just turn a little bit more to the right. Yep.

I think we're good.

That's... I'm maxed out. My stomach's in the way.

You know what? I'm gonna grab boob.

Yeah, just be careful. They're really sensitive. And not in a good way.

Got it. Very gently grabbin' boob. Okay, gently.

And here comes the penis.

That's gonna be the name of my album.

We were determined. And often, successful.

Then came the event.

Motherfucker!

You're doing an amazing job, babe. You're doing great!

Tell her she's doing great!

He's crowning, if you'd like to see.

Yeah.

Wow!

That is one incredibly versatile hole.

You're tellin' me.

From that moment on, everything was completely different.

No two ways about it.

I'll be back.

Not that we didn't try.

Got it.

And if one made it difficult, two made it almost impossible.

Honey, let's try to have sex next weekend when my mom comes over for lunch, okay?

I'm gonna do you like a fucking...

Now, do you remember the last time your husband saw you naked?

Jay. Yeah.

I need a little help here.

I may be late for my thing if I don't get in here and take a shower right away. Can we switch places?

You know, don't even think about it.

The big question is, how the hell do you get it back?

All right, guys! Let's get goin'!

Clive, if you wanna wear your uniform, you gotta get changed, bud.

One minute. This is really important.

What are you workin' on?

It's my video yearbook presentation for graduation on Monday.

That is super impressive, man.

Where'd you learn how to do that? It's really easy, Dad.

Hey, save it as something other than "Video 1" for me, will ya?

It's fine. It's Video 1.

Hey, Clive. I asked you to do something, right?

Don't condescend to me.

It's time to go to school. I'll meet you in the car.

Nell, are you ready?

Later.

All right, gang! Let's go! Wait, honey. Hold on!

I'm going!

I'm going, too!

Mommy packed me two kinds of sandwiches. Jelly and peanut butter.

Yes, honey. Wow.

Bye, honey. Good luck with your game.

Good luck at work! Thanks, baby.

Clive, buckle up your sister, will ya?

Honey, did you pack all of her stuff? Yeah, yeah, of course.

Don't forget to stop by and grab...

Light bulbs. I am on top of it. Hey.

It's gonna go great.

God, is this actually happening?

Am I gonna sell the blog for money? Like, real money? Is that possible?

It would be amazing. For everything.

Dad, I can't be late again!

Yes! I'll be right there, guys! Let's go!

Yes, Clive! I heard...

Is it just me or is the big one becoming kind of a dick?

Don't say that. Seriously, babe.

No, I'm just sayin' he's acting like a dick.

Don't say that.

Hey, we should have sex sometime soon.

I would love that. Yeah, me, too.

Maybe Thursday.

Fantastic. 'Cause it feels like it's been a long time.

It has, right? Yeah.

The last time was when we got those towels from Bed Bath & Beyond.

That's right. That was a while ago. Yeah, the linen sale.

Look, we can't talk about this right now, because we both have someplace to be.

Not the right time. Gotta get goin'.

It's just been so hard to find the moment with the kids.

At the end of the day, we're just both so exhausted.

Just tell me about it. You know?

Maybe one of these nights, we'll have sex instead of watching Project Runway.

We'll TiVo Project Runway.

That's probably why they invented TiVo. So people could have sex.

Daddy? I still don't get it.

Why do we keep having all of these days? And then, going to bed at night?

And then, having all of these days?

And then, going to bed at night?

Well, that's sort of what life is.

When will it end?

It won't.

Well, it'll end when we die. Don't do that, buddy. Okay?

Won't I get bored of doing this stuff again and again and again?

No.

But you and Mommy are bored.

Well, that's what happens with marriage.

Who are you?

Dad, Nell's doing it again.

Nell, get your finger out of your butt.

Is anyone gonna clean her finger?

Hey! Stop! No!

Nell! No. Stop.

Do you mind if I join you? I don't mind!

No! Stop. Stop!

As you know, Piper Brothers is the world's number one toy and child product brand in the zero-to-four age range for over 50 years.

We're looking to bring Piper Brothers into the future.

And a big part of that is developing the Piper Brothers online community in a way that's befitting of the Piper Brothers name.

But also in a way that says, "This is not your grandfather's Piper Brothers."

But in order for us to do that, we need content.

Hey, everybody! Annie!

Hi. Hank Rosenbaum.

Such a pleasure. Thank you so much.

I've heard so much about you.

Please, sit down. Thank you.

Can I get you anything? Coffee? Finger sandwich? Sliced pineapple?

No, no. I'm fine with just water. Thanks.

Well, I just wanna stick my head in and say hi and to tell you that I'm a big fan of what you do.

Thanks. That's really nice to hear.

We think you have brand potential. The model Piper Brothers mother.

We really believe in you.

And I always say that belief is the only metric that matters.

We didn't bring you here to wow you with incredible numbers because numbers are really just an algorithm for passion and values.

It's like I was telling my wife, Schlomit, I think I found the voice of Piper Brothers' values.

Thanks!

Are you sure we can't get you a finger sandwich or a slice of pineapple?

I'm okay.

There are certain content guidelines we'd like to discuss.

How do you mean? Little things.

"Do you remember the first time your husband saw you naked?"

Right.

"The erections? Do you remember the erections?"

No, I remember that part. "Erections everywhere."

That's an unusual post for me.

It's a great post. I enjoyed it.

But what we're looking for from you is your authentic, wholesome voice.

It's the kind of content that Piper Brothers mothers are so hungry for.

Look, I love being a mother. And I love writing about it.

Well, we will make you a meaningful proposal.

And we're very excited.

Should we have some pineapple?

We can have someone get you some pineapple.

Band's coming to the Los Angeles area tomorrow.

Meantime, here's the new single. It's called Spank Me.

I swear to you, man. I think I am in love with this girl.

Max, that's big news. Yeah.

It's, like, we... I don't know. We just connect.

Like, we have these really long, like, super intense conversations. You know?

About religion, and snowboarding.

And then, like, out of nowhere, she'll just text me her boobs.

She just texted you a picture of her boobs out of the blue?

Oh, buddy. Good for you.

Enjoy this time. Thank you, dude.

That's amazing. Yeah.

I once sent Annie a picture of my dick.

She was at a PTA meeting. It was horrible.

Did you go full dick? Yeah. I...

For a man, I feel like it's dick or... That's kind of your only option.

Yeah, I avoid my dick.

I usually just do, like, you know, the sexier parts of me.

Like, part bag, part leg.

You know? I'll go undercarriage. So...

I'll have my friend, Doug, come over and we'll just knock it out real fast.

Your friend comes over and takes a picture of your balls?

Yeah. Yeah. You know Doug, right?

Your neighbor? Yeah.

He's actually a really good photographer.

He works from home.

And, so... Hey, guys.

Hey, Rosie. Hello, Rosie.

New iPads are here. Thank you. I have been waiting for these.

How many of those things do you have? Two at a time.

One for new music. One for back catalogue.

I have this complicated syncing system, but it works out.

Well, what do you do with the old ones? I just give 'em as gifts.

Hey, babe. How'd it go? They wanna buy it!

That's amazing! What did they say? Did they make an offer?

They're going to.

They said it would be "meaningful." Whatever that means.

I think that means a lot of money.

- Right? I know!

Well, we have to celebrate.

Slow down. They haven't made the offer yet.

They're going to. And that's reason to celebrate.

I can get Sam to cover me tonight. What do you wanna do?

I don't know. Should we take the kids somewhere fun?

Like pizza and roller skating or something?

Totally! I can't wait. I'll see you in a couple hours.

Okay, hon. Love you.

Hello? - Hey, Mom.

What's wrong, honey?

Nothing's wrong.

What are you doing tonight?

All right, who's ready for some roller skating?

Annie?

Clive? Nelly?

Annie, you here?

All right.

Hello.

Hey.

Hey, babe. Hi.

Where are the kids?

They're at my mom's.

They are? I thought that we were gonna go down to the...

Holy shit! Wow!

Hi.

Wow. Look at you.

Too much? No, it's great.

I was thinking...

Yeah! Yes!

The kids, how long are they...

They're sleepin' over. Yes!

'Cause I was thinking that...

Maybe we could celebrate, just the two of us.

I get it.

That's a great idea. This is, like, the best idea you've ever had.

You look amazing.

Do you own these underwear? 'Cause I've never seen those before.

Come on.

This is so exciting. I'm so excited right now.

And now you're on the bed.

This is great. I love where this is headed.

Your narrating, it's so hot.

She said, encouragingly.

Get over here and take these roller skates off of me.

I love it when you talk that way about your roller skates.

Double knot.

Okay.

Here, maybe...

No, no, no, I got it. Okay.

Okay, that should do it.

And a-one...

Fuck!

That got a lot less hot real quick, didn't it?

Should we continue? Yes.

Babe. That was like... Toothy.

Okay, just relax. Do I not seem relaxed?

No, I mean both of us. What I'm talking about.

We'll both relax. We'll just relax. If we both relaxed, it'd be good.

Just...

Sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't know. I just got in my head a little bit. What is happening with us right now?

It was just weird for a second. I'm sorry. Okay, it's fine. Here's what we're gonna do.

All right. Here we go.

Let's do this thing. It's on.

What? We have hit boob.

We've got a man on second base.

It's a baseball term but it also means touching your boob.

I know what it means. Why don't we go to third.

What?

What?

Too much in my own head.

I think I've been dreaming about this moment for so long when we could, like, drop everything Yeah.

And just properly schtup. Right, right.

Instead of when you're like, half conscious and can't resist, you know?

You think I wanna resist?

Of course I know that you wanna have sex.

Sometimes I just wonder if you wanna have sex that much.

I do. I do wanna have sex that much.

But sometimes I just feel like you're tired you know, you're tired or you're stressed out.

And maybe... Me?

I don't know, I wonder sometimes if you're still, you know, attracted to me.

Are you kidding? You're a fuckin' sexpot.

You think I'm a sexpot?

Instant boner.

That's what I always say about you.

My wife, instant boner-giver.

Tell me more about this boner of yours.

He's a good guy.

Proud. Strong.

Great sense of humor.

Let's go fuck on the kitchen floor.

There he is.

You comin'?

I'm so glad that I mopped yesterday.

Yeah, totally.

Honey? Babe, babe, honey.

Do you wanna go somewhere else?

My God, thank God you said something.

My knees hurt, like, really bad. They really hurt.

I know. My tailbone is killing me and I can see my to-do list.

Should we try the couch? Yeah.

Sex on the couch, of course, yeah. Let's go.

Let's go.

It'll just be a minute. Okay.

No. No?

Do you have allergies?

Yeah, all week. I've had allergies all week.

It's 'cause of the pressure change. Is that what it is?

This used to totally work, remember? Totally work.

This was like my move. You loved this.

Shit, man!

What is happening? It's okay.

Is it possible that we have somehow forgotten how to have sex?

Do not say that. Because we used to be great at this.

Yeah, we were. We were.

I was like Shaquille O'Neal in the sack. I had that kind of game.

What? Shaquille O'Neal's a weird comparison.

I'm just trying to say that I was a dominant player. Yeah, I know.

I would've gone with Derek Fisher for you. Derek Fisher?

What? He's a great player. Okay.

I feel like we're tryin' to say the same thing. - Okay.

You were like LeBron James. Thanks, honey.

We were like Derek Fisher and LeBron James having sex.

I'm saying we were world-class.

And now, what is happening?

I don't know. I mean, we're older.

We're parents.

Yeah, but we're not dead!

I still think about sex all the time.

I know. I use your computer.

The porn. Yeah.

You and I used to watch porn together all the time.

I still watch porn every once in a while.

You do? Yeah.

But the quality of writing has really gone downhill.

I like it best when it feels like they're really in love.

Yeah, I feel like we're getting different things out of porn.

Maybe.

I just watch it for the naked women having sex.

And the porn guys don't get in the way or anything?

Don't even see 'em. They're completely invisible to me.

Should we watch some porn?

Just feels kind of depressing.

Yeah.

Do we have any of that tequila left?

That's a good idea.

That's a really good idea. Right.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We are gonna drink some tequila.

We're gonna pull ourselves out of this sad little moment that we're having and after that...

We're gonna be Derek Fisher and LeBron fucking James.

That's exactly what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna call my mom and make sure the kids went to sleep okay.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah. I just got that today. I'm super excited about it.

It's got a higher-resolution display, which means more pixels, and they upgraded the camera.

What? I just had this idea.

All right. Let's hear it.

Let's make a porn.

Excuse me?

Let's video ourselves having sex.

Absolutely. Yeah, totally. Really?

Yeah. The more I think about it, yes, that's a great idea.

I think it's kind of hot, right? Babe, I think that is a great idea.

Here, cheers.

Look at us. Annie and Jay.

Send the kids off to Grandma's house, make a little porn.

- Mazeltov. To porn.

Chug it.

I mean, drink to that.

Yeah.

We don't even have to watch it if we don't want to.

Or we could. Either way.

Okay, honey, what's our storyline?

Story? Yeah.

I'm not sure the story's that important. Yeah.

Come on.

I have another idea.

Well, I would like to hear that idea.

Because you're clearly in the zone. This is it.

This is what we're gonna do.

The Joy of Sex.

We still have that. Every position, right now.

I like that. I like that a lot.

Every single one? Yep. We're not gonna skip one.

Even... Yeah. Even that.

Yes! But also...

Totally. It's in the book.

And we'll video the whole thing.

You're a genius. No, I married a genius.

I need another drink. I need to be drunker.

Okay.

Here I go. Get here. Okay.

Action.

Hello. Hi.

And welcome to Annie and Jay's, A Night With Annie and Jay.

I'm Jay and this is my lovely wife, Annie.

And tonight, we intend to demonstrate every position in The Joy of Sex.

Are you speaking to our students, honey?

Why, yes, I am, Annie.

And this is our dojo.

Our sex dojo.

Our sex dojo. That's right.

Annie, the book, please.

Here you go, Professor.

Thank you, Annie.

Well.

Wow. Wow. Okay.

Look at that bush. Well, look at his bush.

I'm talking about his bush. Is that still his bush?

I can't tell where her bush ends and his begins.

People were furrier in the '70s.

"Matrimonial." That's right. Wow.

Matrimonial.

Can we start with something other than missionary?

Absolutely. We can loop back around to missionary.

Right. It's not goin' anywhere.

Okay, close your eyes, my dear.

Say "stop" when I... Stop!

"Flanquette."

Flanquette!

That is what I'm talkin' about.

I feel good about this one. Me, too.

Okay. So you see what's happening?

That's my leg. Yeah, okay.

But that's your leg. Okay.

So, it's like... Yep. All right.

Let's do this. Let's do it. Let's do it.

What?

- Come here. Come here. Okay, here we go.

- Hi. Hi.

- Okay, ready? Okay. Yeah.

- Go. Go.

You're amazing at that. Really?

My gosh. Still?

Are you kidding me?

You were like a machine.

Like a battering ram.

Thank you.

Honey? Yeah?

Erase that video, okay?

Yeah.

I don't want the kids to ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...

No, I'll erase it. No worries.

You don't forget, okay? I won't forget.

I love fucking you.

I fucking love you.

No! No, not my own son!

So as long as we get them both down for their second naps by 2:00-ish, then the nighttime is a little better.

Yeah, if we don't get them down by 2:00-ish we're totally fucked.

"Totally fucked." That's nice.

This is just an expression.

How else would you describe this? I would describe this as...

Super fucked? ...a gift of life. You're welcome.

You guys are bouncing the shit out of those babies.

You're bouncing 'em hard.

You guys are doing great.

It's getting a lot easier, though.

We're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Yeah. You guys should have seen us a month ago.

I don't even know who I was then.

Oh, my God. These are the salad days.

Yeah, it sounds really intense, but you got it!

So, are you guys thinking of having more?

No.

Isn't it crazy that the boys are graduating fourth grade? Isn't that crazy?

And Howard is graduating fifth grade. When did that happen?

Since when did kids graduate from fourth and fifth grade?

It used to be school just ended. There wasn't a ceremony for everything.

Just... Ignore him.

I will. Yeah.

I love your blog, by the way. Thank you.

Do you think Piper Brothers is gonna go for it?

Fingers crossed.

Hey, good people.

Hi, honey. Hi. Hello, you. Hi.

You're really wet. Look at you. Yeah. I should go put on some dry clothes.

I'm gonna come with you

'cause we gotta talk about that... About...

The thing. Yes, the thing.

Totally. We have to talk about a thing.

Thank you.

Jesus. Kill me.

Hey. Hello, pal.

Gentlemen. Hey, Howie.

It's Howard.

Just Howard.

Sorry.

You know what? I just gave up a Super Soaker.

Why don't you get in there, bud?

Maybe I will. Yeah.

I do enjoy Super Soakers. Yeah!

You can see the difference in personalities already.

This one loves watermelon.

This one's kind of an asshole.

I think everyone had fun, right?

Totally. It was great.

What about Punit and Kia?

Kinda hate each other, right?

Sure seemed like it, yeah.

"Enjoyed your video"?


Where's the pizza cutter?

Babe, do you see the pizza cutter out there anywhere?

Yes?

Jay.

Jay, the pizza cutter?

It's yours.

I have so many of them. Enjoy.

Fuck me.

Honey, are there any more plates outside? Just a second.

- Hello! Hi!

Hello!

Hello!

Honey... Fuck!

That sweater nice, girl.

Thanks.

Was it... Did I...

Could...

What the hell is going on?

It's...

When...

You know the cloud?

So what you're saying is that instead of erasing the video like you said that you would, you actually ended up sending it to everyone that you ever given one of those fucking iPads to?

That is not at all what happened. No?

Well, technically, yes! It's exactly what happened.

But it was so accidental, it doesn't even qualify as...

Thank you.

Hank Rosenbaum!

What? The Piper Brothers guy!

You gave him one? Yes! I told you I needed one for work.

I put my entire presentation on it. You did?

I'm supposed to be the model Piper Brothers mother!

Maybe he hasn't seen it yet.

As a matter of fact, Annie, I'm willing to bet that none of these people have even noticed that the video is on there yet.

Except for this text, but...

What text?

I received a text.

From who? It's unclear.

I'm not sure how to hurt you right now, Jay.

I know. But let's take a deep breath. Shit!

Come sit down next to me. Come sit down. Come here.

Let's look at what's actually happened. Okay.

We made a video of ourselves having sex for about three hours, and it was amazing, right?

Yeah, no, it was great. Okay.

And then you asked me to erase it and I forgot.

You forgot? I forgot.

And now our video has been synced to several devices.

All of which, though, are basically in the possession of friends.

God. And acquaintances.

And the mailman.

Oh, God!

Who sent you that text, Jay? I don't know. I don't know, Annie.

Did you call the number?

That is actually a really good idea.

Oh, my God.

Your call has been forwarded...

Voice mail! Okay!

Hi, this is Jay Hargrove.

Could you give me a call back at your earliest convenience, please?

I believe you have the number. Bye.

That's it?

What the hell else was I supposed to say to the guy?

"Who the fuck is this?"

I wouldn't call back if someone left that on my machine.

Okay, we have to get these iPads back right now.

Hello?

Hi, Mom! Hi, honey.

Is there any chance that you might be able to come and watch the kids for us, like, right away?

Right now?

We really need you to, like, right away if you could come over.

Why, I suppose.

Thanks, Mom. That's so great. Thanks. Annie.

Hold on a second. What?

It might be worth asking your mom to bring her iPad.

Are you kidding me?

And could you bring your iPad, too?

My iPad? - Yeah.

Okay. - Great, okay.

What are you not gonna forget? The iPad.

So say goodbye, hang up and then come right away.

Okay. All right.

Can you hang up? Okay, honey.

Okay, hang up now, Mom.

Okay, say goodbye.

Okay, hang up.

Bye. Okay, bye!

Who else has these things? Let's think about it.

Robby, the mailman...

Every time you say "mailman," Jay, I'm just gonna hit you.

You see, it was Christmas... I don't give a shit.

Mailman, Robby, Hank, my mother, and who else?

Oh, my God!

Clive?

May I see that for a second, honey? Why?

Just for a second. I was using that!

What the hell? I can't take any chances.

Okay, kid! Come on, Jay!

Grandma's here for some mysterious reason!

Oh, my gosh! Is that the iPad I gave you? I love that iPad.

Can I borrow it? Why is Grandma here?

Grandma! Grandma!

Okay. Grandma's gonna watch you guys while Mommy and Daddy go out. You guys can order Chinese food.

I hate Chinese food. Okay. Then order a pizza.

Once again, enjoy this iPad. I had to make sure it was working. Enjoy that.

Let's go! Thank you. What about my iPad?

Thank you.

Man. The construction on these things is just unbelievable.

Jay! Come on, Jay, let's go!

Let's go to Robby and Tess' house first! Let's go!

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Sorry! Got it!

So I'm just trying to understand why it is that you don't erase these things before you give them to people.

I have amazing playlists and people want them. That's the gift.

The gift is the playlist, not the iPad.

When I update my music library, it syncs to their iPads.

I use an app called Frankensync to sync the playlists.

I upgraded to this new app, Bride of Frankensync, and now, apparently, it syncs all of my shit to everywhere 'cause it's a very powerful app!

How do you forget to erase your sex tape?

It kept slipping my mind and then, the next thing I knew, it went up!

It went up to the cloud!

And you can't get it down from the cloud?

Nobody understands the cloud!

It's a fucking mystery!

Look, all that's happened here is there's been a very minor syncing mishap.

This is not minor!

And I wish that you would just admit that you fucked up instead of trying to convince me that this isn't a big deal

'cause it is a big deal.

You know what, Annie?

I'm on there, too.

Who gives a shit? Nobody cares about you. Nobody wants to watch you having sex.

You said it yourself. Nobody cares about the guy!

It's the woman that has to live with it forever.

Who is it? "Guess who?" Smiley face.

Who the fuck is this? Fuck!

It's gotta be Tess. It's gotta be Tess.

You think? Yeah!

With the whole "XOXO smiley face" thing? Yeah. It's Tess.

Right, is that really a Tess thing, or is that more of like a very, very common thing?

No, it's a Tess thing.

She must just be joking around.

Except her number is in my phone so it would say, "Tess."

Well, maybe she got a new phone.

She probably saw what it was and stopped watching it immediately because she has so much respect for our privacy.

This makes perfect sense.

Right. Okay.

Okay, great. It's Tess.

I'd buy it. Yeah.

She picks up the iPad, sees there's a sex tape on there, pushes play, it's us, immediately stopped it, 'cause she respects us. Yes.

Then she went out and got a new phone and a new phone number.

Yeah.

So do you think that means Robby has seen it, too?

Well, if he's seen it, you're gonna have to get a new best friend.

We're just gonna cut Robby and Tess out of our lives?

Yeah, that's right. And if the mailman has seen it, we're movin'.

Wait. What if it's not Tess?

Okay, look. We're just gonna feel this out, and if it doesn't seem like it's her, we just don't say anything at all. Okay? Of course.

No, no. They do not need to know about this. Okay?

Babe, it's gonna be pretty easy to tell if they've seen it or not.

Hey!

Hey. Hey!

What's going on?

What's going on with you?

Nothing. Nothing. Just hanging out.

It's our anniversary, actually, so Marta took Howard to a movie and we're just hanging out, watching some...

Hey! What are you guys doing here?

Hey. Hey.

We're so sorry to drop by like this on your anniversary and all.

Yeah, why didn't you guys mention it was your anniversary?

'Cause it's our 12th anniversary? Yeah.

Like, who cares, right? So...

You guys wanna come in?

Or not.

What were you guys watching?

This is really embarrassing.

Just tell us what you guys were watching.

Yeah. It's not a big deal. What were you watching?

Okay, all right, all right.

We're watching the first season of Breaking Bad.

It's really embarrassing how far behind we are.

That's a great show. You guys really are far behind.

That's all right. Don't tell us what happens!

Hey, while we're here, remember that iPad I gave you?

Yeah. Yeah.

I need that back.

Okay. Was that why you...

Is that why you came here to our house, to get your iPad back?

Well...

I have some stuff on it that I need. What? Dirty pictures or something?

You guys make a sex tape?

Did you guys watch it?

I was kidding.

What the fuck?

And then Jay received this text that said, "Loved your video. Thanks for sharing. XOXO."

And you thought that was from me?

Well, it sounded like you.

I don't think if I'd seen your sex tape, I would have done "XOXO."

I was hoping it was you... Because if it wasn't me, then who is it?

No, I get it. I get it.

Could we back up for just a second?

So you taped yourself having sex for three hours?

Yes.

Why did you do that?

Never mind.

Who has sex for three hours? We did.

That's the length of the movie Lincoln. You did the full Lincoln.

Well, guys, I'm sorry, you know, but I'm not the one who sent that text.

God, this isn't happening.

Okay, who else has these things?

You guys, the mailman...

Hank Rosenbaum.

Piper Brothers guy? Yes!

The guy that wants to buy your blog?

And who's very concerned about my image.

Okay, I'm an idiot!

No! Come on! You messed up.

No.

He is. Let him have that.

I would have killed you.

I mean, if you had thought about it for a second, you'd know to just password-protect your shit.

I would have killed you in your sleep. Or just fucking delete it.

Oh, my God. Wait!

Wait a minute! What?

My sister is his florist!

My God, do you think she knows where he lives?

Yeah, I think she's been to his house. She's his florist!

Hold on. What's the plan here?

We're just gonna show up at this guy's house?

Yeah! And we're coming with you!

Oh, my God. It'll be a fun night! We have a sitter!

I'll call Rochelle. Yeah!

Hey, my sister thought the every position thing was a great idea!

You told your sister? What is up?

Big supporter of you. Well, I thought she'd be thrilled.

Hey. iPad.

Yeah, yeah. Boy, what a mess. No. Can I have it?

The iPad. Yeah.

You came over here to get it. I need the iPad, please.

What if I can't get it right now? Just give me the iPad.

What if I just erase the video myself? Dude.

Okay. You're gonna have to give me all that music again.

Dude! Fine! Jeez!

Did you just pull this out of your pants?

Yeah.

I feel like a second ago, you said you couldn't remember where it was.

I forgot.

Fair enough.

It's an easy mistake to make. Okay.

So, what are we gonna do? Yeah. What's the plan, gang?

Should we pretend we have a flat, and none of us had our cell phones?

We knock. You're like, "Hank! What a surprise!"

Yes. And then I jump in and I say, "Hi. I'm your florist's sister, Tess."

Feel like this is just a super weird way to spend your anniversary.

For a 12th anniversary, I think it's pretty solid.

You know what? You guys stay in the car. It's our mess.

We can go clean it up. Right, babe?

I think we'd really like to be part of the plan.

Let us participate.

Guys, we're gonna be in and out up there. We're gonna knock on the door.

Yes, it'll be a little awkward at first. But I really think it'll be fine.

Okay, so this is what we're gonna do.

I'll distract him, you say you have to go to the bathroom, and then you search the house for the iPad. Good? Okay, let's go.

Annie. Annie, can you hold on one second? That house is huge.

We'll tell him you have diarrhea.

First of all, that's embarrassing.

And second of all, who tells someone that they have diarrhea?

Food poisoning.

Okay. How about I distract him and you have the food poisoning?

No. I am not gonna have food poisoning. You're gonna have food poisoning.

The person who forgets to erase the sex tape has food poisoning.

It's in the book.

Annie!

Well, I'll be!

Hank? Hey!

What a surprise. This is so crazy.

You live here?

I'm sorry. I'm lost. You two know each other?

This is Hank, honey. Remember I was telling you about Hank?

Hank Rosenbaum?

Hank Rosenbaum!

This is my husband, Jay.

Jay. The famous Jay.

In the flesh. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Likewise.

What a crazy coincidence, honey. Right?

We were just randomly in the neighborhood.

We've been knocking on doors trying to collect money for a charity.

What charity?

It's for... Charity for... For kids.

Yeah, for kids that have oversized...

Kidneys. Kidneys.

They got these enormous kidneys.

It's so sad.

You have to see it. So we're just trying to help them out.

"Hey, Dad. Da. What is this bulge in me back, Da?"

"That's your kidney, son. Get on with it."

They're British orphans.

Yeah, so we're just out to try to raise some money for it.

Anyhow, would you possibly want to contribute?

Yes. Please. Come in. I will get my checkbook.

Thanks. That's just so generous of you.

Hey, do you think that Jay could use your bathroom?

Because he has diarrhea.

Food poisoning. He has the shits, as they say.

Sure, it's right down the hall. Go crazy.

Thank you.

Well, come on in and make yourself comfortable.

Thank you.

It's a really lovely house.

Thank you. Put on some music.

Sure.

Shit! Fuck!

What the fuck?

Would you like something to drink?

What?

I'm sorry. Let me turn this down so we can talk.

Can I get you something to drink?

Sure.

Schlomit and the kids are away, so I'm just spreading my wings.

Drinking some scotch.

Fifty years old.

The good stuff.

Here's to our bright future together.

Whatever it may hold.

That's a really interesting painting.

Do you like it? Yeah.

I had it commissioned.

It's a moment from the movie The Lion King.

Except it's me in place of Rafiki.

So, that's me presenting Simba to all of the creatures from the Pride Lands to behold.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

You know what?

I'm gonna put on something a little more festive.

Hi.

Hey, hey, little guy.

Stay.

Stay!

Sit!

You seem, I don't know, nervous.

It's just a little awkward showing up at your house and asking you for a donation, is all.

I'm glad you're here.

I could use the company.

I know.

No, no, no! Please! No! No!

No! Stay!

Heel!

I was hoping that we would get a chance to get to know each other.

Me, too. What a wonderful coincidence.

There's no such thing as coincidence. That's what Schlomit always says.

Is this your family?

Yeah. That's all of us at Aspen.

There's Schlo and my son, Benyamin, and Sarah.

They're very sweet.

No! No!

Help!

Hank!

No! Not my face! Not my face!

Help!

I didn't wanna do that.

Fuck with me, you're gonna get hit by a book.

That's what's gonna happen.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

You know, it's funny.

When the family's away you find yourself thinking about things that you don't think about all the time.

I bet.

You think about who you were, and who you've become.

Would you like to do some cocaine?

I'm sorry?

I'm just doin' some blow while the family's away.

Would you like a bump?

No, I don't think that's really...

I see.

I mean, not that I have a problem with...

I mean, I do have a...

Is this some sort... It's a test?

Okay, I see what's happening here.

You're thinking about all that talk about Piper Brothers values.

But if you think situationally, friendship is a Piper Brothers value.

One of the big ones.

And that's all that's happening here.

We're just hanging around, getting to know one other, and doin' some rails.

But if that's not your thing...

Well...

Okay. Right.

Better make sure that Jay's not lost.

No, no, no! He's fine. Let's do cocaine!

Super!

Shit!

Are you okay?

See? That's what I'm saying. We get older and we forget.

People, they stop doing the things that they love.

And for some people, it could be surfing.

For some people, it could be traveling.

For me, it's gettin' high and listen' to freakin' Slayer.

That just, like, blows my mind that that's what it is for you.

But that's your point. That's my point.

'Cause it's so small-minded of me to assume anything. Right?

Because I don't know you. You don't know me.

I don't know you. Yeah. You know the idea of me.

The CEO that controls your future.

But that's not me. No.

And it's like you, I'm sure there are things about you that nobody knows.

Fuck yeah, there are.

Can I show you something? Yeah!

Piper Brothers, 75 years. But very few people know about that.

And there's more.

Eazy-E!

I miss him every day.

That's so touching. Did you know him?

Annie, it's like... It's just... Lotta parts up in me.

Wake up!

Wake up, you fuckin' cocksucker!

Siri, how do you perform CPR on a dog?

I found four places named "Starbucks."

What the fuck is happening?

And then you become a mother, right? And it becomes about the kids.

Which is great, because you want it to be about the kids.

But then you need time for yourself. That's why I started writing.

But it's, like, writing about Jay and the kids, and then it becomes a job.

But I love my job. I love my job.

But I need to work out. I need to work out.

It's not even for me. It's, like, for everybody else.

Because I'll go bat-shit crazy. Like, crazy, crazy, crazy.

I ran track. I ran track in college.

But, you know, it's just so hard to find the time. I know.

To do anything, right? It is.

If you don't do that, then you just sort of lose yourself.

Do you want another line?

No, I'm still enjoying the first line quite a bit, thanks.

You are so easy to talk to.

I feel like you get me.

Oh, God, I feel like we get each other. Yeah.

Where's your husband?

I don't know! Where is that fucker?

What was that? Was that the doorbell?

There's a lot of action here tonight. Yeah, there is.

Hey! Okay.

Can I help you?

Hi! I'm the mayor, Robby Thompson.

Pleasure to meet you. What's happening?

The mayor? Not of this area.

I'm mayor of a different area.

Of Thousand Oaks.

He is the Mayor of Thousand Oaks and I am his First Lady of Thousand Oaks.

Okay. That's right.

And we are out, just talkin' to people, spreadin' the word about Thousand Oaks.

What word?

Great town.

It's a wonderful city to raise a family.

They have the winningest Little League baseball record in the country.

Nobody gives a shit about Thousand Oaks.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

"Your Honor." Please. "Your Honor's" my dad's name.

"Mr. Mayor" will be just fine.

Hello.

No!

Sit!

Fetch!

Fetch!

Anyway, we're out talkin' to people about Thousand Oaks and we're collecting donations for the Big Brother charity program.

Charity program. Of Thousand Oaks. Of Thousand Oaks.

What is it with this new trend of late-night charitable solicitations?

I don't know. I have no idea.

We definitely accept money.

But what we really need are used iPads.

That's a really good idea. It's a great idea.

It is? Really inspired.

Yeah. I'm sure they could really use that.

Well, I have one.

No.

Yeah. I have one right here.

You actually gave me this. I haven't had a chance to look at it yet.

I don't need it. Just give it to 'em.

Do you mind if I just give... God, no. Give it to 'em. I don't care.

It seems like a good cause.

Thank you. Thank you. This worked out great.

Nice to meet you! Have a good night!

Remember Thousand Oaks! Good night!

Hi, I'm the mayor. iPad!

There he is!

Ariel! Hakuna matata!

Go play.

Jay. What the hell happened to you?

I had an epileptic fit.

In your bathroom.

But your dog saved me.

Because, in addition to diarrhea,

I'm also an epileptic.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

We gotta go. It is time for us to leave.

This is when we should get the hell out.

Now. Just now is when we should leave.

'Cause, you know, this is... Yeah.

I did a little cocaine. What? What?

Just one line. Just one line.

One what? A bump.

What? She did a line. So?

Honey, let's just... Okay.

Thank you so much for your hospitality. You've been so amazing.

This is your cocaine straw. No, no, no. Please. Keep it.

Thank you.

Okey-dokey.

Thank you so much for helping with our charity, but Annie and I need to get movin' on those kidneys.

I completely forgot. I need to go get my checkbook.

Thank you so much.

What?

"Just one line"?

Who are you? What was I supposed to do?

Cocaine? That's the answer to that question?

He offered and I didn't wanna seem judgmental.

It was peer pressure.

I was distracting him.

With cocaine? What is this? Fuckin' Scarf ace?

Are you giving me shit?

Is that what's happening right now? Yeah!

No, I don't think so. Annie.

Annie. How is it that I get mauled by an attack dog, I barely escape with my life, you're in the living room doing blow with your boss, and somehow, you're mad at me?

What did I do? What did you do?

You didn't erase the fucking video, Jay!

I told you, Annie. I forgot.

"I forgot." "I forgot." I've heard you say that. "I forgot!"

Okay, fine! I didn't forget!

I made a conscious decision to keep the tape.

And I was gonna keep it forever!

Because I had on video what was one of the greatest nights of my life.

And so I wanted to keep it.

For myself.

And for my own personal reference use.

Yeah, you wanted it. But I specifically didn't want you to keep it because I didn't want it to get out and guess what?

It did! It did immediately.

That part was a mistake.

I wanted to save it for myself and then the fuckin' app...

Stop talking about the app, 'cause this is just typical of you.

You do whatever the hell you wanna do all the time, and I do everything. I do everything.

I hold this shit down, is what I do.

Clearly, you should not do cocaine. Maybe I should do more cocaine.

Because I've never done it before and I kinda like it.

I'm fairly certain the answer is not for you to do more cocaine.

This sex tape. This night.

This is the kind of thing that reveals a lot about a person.

Really? Reveals a whole lot about a person.

You know what? Just shut up. I tried not to say it!

This kind of thing, a crisis, reveals who someone really is deep down.

And you, you can't think about anyone else but you.

Okay, that is... Jay does what Jay wants to do.

You have to go to a concert three nights in a row.

For work?

But that's my job, Annie. We're a team.

And part of what I do on that team is I work.

That's what makes me a good teammate, isn't it?

I don't just wanna be a teammate!

Why did we stop having sex?

What?

Annie, it's not like we just stopped. No, you know what I mean.

It's just, like, Why did...

When did we stop needing to be close?

When did I become so annoying?

I don't know!

I think the coke is wearing off.

That's a bummer, man. I was having a blast. Really?

We really gotta find out who's been sending these fucking texts.

Are they...

They're having sex in our car.

It appears that way.

Sorry, guys. Yeah, sorry.

I'm not even gonna ask if you guys...

Yes, we watched the video.

You said you weren't gonna say anything.

I know we weren't gonna say anything, but I can't lie to Jay.

And besides, we just skimmed it because we didn't have time.

Oh, my God!

Annie, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

He's right. There's not.

At first, yes, I thought there was.

But now, I've seen it. And there's not.

No, it's the most natural thing in the world.

I think this might be...

No, it definitely is the most embarrassing moment of my life.

No, no, no. You should not feel embarrassed.

If anything, you should feel proud.

Yeah, your body's insane.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Truly, I admire you for it.

I can't believe that you let him watch it!

I'm sorry.

He wanted to watch it. I wanted to watch it. Just a little peek.

But then, we got very involved with it.

We got really wrapped up in it. Oh, my God!

Great dick, by the way.

Yeah. Thank you.

Honestly, the whole thing was a big turn-on.

Oh, my God. We noticed. Yes.

Guys, could I have the iPad back, please?

Really? I mean we... Dude!

Okay, fine!

There you go. You're obsessed with that thing.

Wait.

We shall never speak of this night again.

Absolutely. Of course.

I need a bathroom and an aspirin.

Of course. Yeah, yeah. Come on in. Please.

Dad. Mom. Hey, pal.

Hey, sweetie. Hi, Marta.

Howard is study. I was. In my room.

Annie, Jay. What a surprise, you guys.

We were just out gettin' a drink.

Celebrate the ol' anniversary.

Here. I'll get you an aspirin.

Okay. I'm gonna use the bathroom.

Want a shirt?

Yeah. That'd be great. Thanks, bud. I'll get you a shirt.

Get outta my way!

So, here we are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you receive my text message?

What?

Yeah. You know, you really should be more careful, Jay.

Wait, are you...

No. 'Cause you're just too...

Is this a...

Stop babbling already, Jay.

I think we both know that I already own your ass.

You own my ass?

What, do I have to spell it out for you? I have your sex tape.

You're fucked.

I got news for you. What?

I got the iPad back.

You got the iPad back? Yeah.

That's fantastic, man. Good effort. Look at me.

Do I look like a kid who knows how to make a simple copy of an MP4 or do I not?

Yeah, you do. And look at you.

Runnin' around trying to collect up all your iPads before time runs out.

Why didn't you just remote wipe them?

You can do that?

Fuck!

Fuck me!

I almost murdered a dog.

Yeah.

But I already uploaded your sorry-ass video to a site called YouPorn.

Should be up by tomorrow morning.

And sadly, the only one that can take the video down is the original poster and that's me.

Okay, this is a...

I got it. This is a joke, right?

You're joking.

You didn't put...

What do you want?

You want an Xbox?

You can get me an Xbox? Do you want an Xbox?

Like, the new Xbox? Yeah.

What do I look like to you, Jay? A fucking idiot? No!

I want $25,000 in cash.

$25,000?

Howard. First of all, I don't have $25,000 just sittin' around.

And besides, what are you gonna do with $25,000?

I'm gonna buy a horse.

Yeah, I'm gonna buy a motherfucking horse to keep my bitches happy.

I think it's time for me to have a little talk with your parents.

Try. Go ahead.

I'll lie.

They're gonna believe me. Not you.

And don't you dare tell Annie about this.

I'm gonna tell Annie.

Okay.

But before you do, just think about these three words for me, all right?

School. Email. Blast.

Man! I need some ice cream. Who's in?

Deal with it, Jay. You're fucked!

I got just so much pressure inside me.

Good talk, pal. Seriously.

Honey.

Let's go home and keep calling that number until someone answers.

I just wanna know who's sending these texts.

Wanna do the thing? Wanna do the four-flavor thing?

Yeah, let's do that thing. Yeah.

Robby, there's no easy way for me to say this, but your kid is trying to blackmail me for $25,000!

Jay, can you hear yourself right now?

I mean, look. You've had a stressful day, right?

Howard's just a kid. He's not your problem.

When you wake up, you'll realize that.

Would you just go check his computer?

Check his phone!

For me? - Jay.

I'm not gonna look at his computer.

Because there's nothing on there.

He told me and I trust him. This is Howard we're talking about.

I gotta go. Okay.

Get some rest, all right? I'll see you at school tomorrow.

Shit. Right, graduation.

I forgot. And, hey.

I just wanted to say one more time, man. Great tape.

I mean, I had no idea that Annie was so flexible.

Robby. Robby. Yeah?

Maybe we should just stop talking about this now.

Yeah, yeah! Fair enough.

- Another time. Yeah. Or, you know, never.

Another time.

Mom, thank you so much for coming by on such short notice.

Of course, honey. Of course.

Thank you. Annie. Is everything all right?

Yeah, yeah. It's fine.

And you and Jay? You're okay?

Yeah, I think so.

You sure you don't wanna tell me what's goin' on?

Yes, I'm sure.

Maybe some other time.

Never.

There's some things that I really wanna share with you, and then, there's some things that you should die just never knowing.

Okay, sounds good. Okay.

What are you doing? Jesus Christ!

Hi. You can't keep doing that to me.

What are you doing, Jay?

I have really good news.

Great news.

I remote wiped the mailman's iPad.

I erased his iPad from my computer.

You can do that? Yes, you can.

We did it.

So, yeah. In a way it would've been nice to have that information earlier.

In another, more important way, it's great news that we have remote wiped the mailman's iPad.

Yeah, it's good news.

What's the bad news?

What?

$25,000?

Where we gonna get... We don't have $25,000!

We're not giving it to Howard! We're not. It's insane.

We're gonna let this little freak show just post it up on the Internet for the entire world to see?

People that we know? People we don't know?

God, my gynecologist is gonna be so disappointed in me. Okay.

The deli guy's gonna see what we did with the salami!

Babe, can I say something that's gonna sound kinda crazy, but just go with me?

All right? I've been watching a bunch of these videos online, and you cannot really tell who these people are. Mostly.

And I'm sure that they all have somebody that they don't want seeing their videos, but they make them anyway.

Like this one video I saw, "Corn-fed Cowgirl Gets Milked."

There is no way that she wanted her boss seeing that because what happened there seemed very personal.

Your point is? My point is, if our video went up there, God forbid, does anybody even know that it's us?

And if they did, does it really matter that much?

I mean, it might.

The coke-bender Hank Rosenbaum might not care.

But the CEO of Piper Brothers Hank Rosenbaum, he might.

Honey.

Hank Rosenbaum has an 11-inch double-sided dildo in his nightstand.

Is it made by Piper Brothers?

Look, my point is, maybe everybody has an 11-inch dildo in their nightstand.

That's a beautiful metaphor, honey. Thank you.

I thought of it just then.

Maybe we don't care so much about what other people think.

I have an idea.

What? We haven't even seen this video yet.

There's no chance I'm watchin' it.

You don't have to. I'll watch it.

And at least, then, we'll know what we're actually dealing with.

Here we go.


We gotta get this thing off the fucking Internet!

Why? What?

I saw it! That's us. That's definitely us. Very clearly.

That camera's fuckin' amazing. Oh, my God!

Remember that thing I told you about porn? About how you see right past the guy?

Well, I saw him and it's me and it's fucking horrible!

It's like the worst picture of yourself ever.

Except you're fucking for hours.

What about me? You? You're a fucking sexpot.

I've told you this. Total wank material.

And now you're gonna be in the fucking cloud!

Oh, my God. We have to do something.

We need 25 grand to pay off Howard.

Hell no! Fuck Howard! I have another idea.

Okay. You said it was on YouPorn, right?

We're gonna be on it. Jesus Christ.

I know, honey. We're not. Relax, okay?

The Internet is not a free-floating thing. It's on a server somewhere.

It's not like it's an actual cloud.

You knew that, right?

Yeah.

Look, we find a business address.

It's probably in the Valley somewhere. Most porn companies are.

We're 20 minutes from the porn capital of the world.

Well, then what do we do?

I don't know. I mean, it's probably just a few guys with computers.

We'll beg 'em or bribe 'em or something.

That's a great idea.

What do we do with the kids?

We can't call my mom again.


Up here, make a right.

I think this is it.

Hello? Open up!

Hello! Is anyone there?

This is the last time I'm gonna ask. Is anyone home?

Hey! Hey, bud!

Hey! How's it goin', man?

We're just having a little adventure.

What's the adventure?

It's kind of, like, what? Like, a scavenger hunt.

You know what it is? It's a game.

And it is called, Breaking and Entering. What?

Okay, great.

Hello? Hello?

What are we looking for?

That's a good question.

Yeah, we're not exactly sure.

"Central Data Core."

This is it. Let's do it.

I think I might've underestimated the size of YouPorn.

Yeah, it's a bit bigger than you would think.

Jay! My God, what have we done?

We're gonna go to jail, Jay!

We should get outta here. Yeah. We should go!

May I help you?

Okay. You guys stay here. Okay?

Okay.

May I ask what the fuck is goin' on here?

May I ask if you're the proprietor of this institution?

"Institution?"

Yeah. I'm that motherfucker.

And you've just made a very serious mistake.

Where are you from? You from Hustler?

No.

Which crew you runnin' with? Xtube?

Is that it? No? RedTube?

Bang bros? No.

BangBus? No.

BigBoobAlert?

You with BigBoobAlert? Nope.

Where you from, then? You tell me right now.

Wait, no, don't tell me.

MassageCreep? No.

We're not from MassageCreep. No, no.

KungPaoPussy?

No. No.

You from BeaverBong? Tugjobs?

TrannySurprise? Nutflix?

No, ma'am. RealityKings?

NaughtyAmerica? Euro-Angels? AsianAngels?

SeducedByACougar? FuckStarTV?

Those cunts? Not us.

SubmitYourBitch? No, sir.

Wankspider? No.

MonkeyCum?

Honey, what's that one that Larry runs? AThousandCumShots?

MonstersOfCock? No.

You with LadyBonersHD?

ButtholeSandwich.com?

Sir, we are in no way affiliated with ButtholeSandwich.

You one of them assholes from BigTittyCreamPie.com?

No. No.

Not Playboy.

Did Hugh send you?

Listen, sir. If you could just give me one minute to explain.

I know... See, this is the thing.

You've put me in a position where my only options are to beat your ass, or call the goddamn cops.

Okay, sir, I see where you're coming from...

Actually, I think we should beat their ass and call the goddamn cops.

I was thinkin' the same shit.

Look, if you want to kick my ass, fine.

And if you want to call the cops, so be it.

But there is a reason that we did this, and it's because sometimes people do some really crazy shit to protect their families.

And that's what happened.

We did some crazy shit.

We're really sorry.

We're really sorry. We're honestly...

It was for our family. You motherfuckers.

You made a sex tape and now you're tryin' to get it off my server.

Daddy, can I pet the doggies?

No, we can't pet these doggies.

What are your freakin' names?

I'm Jay. Annie.

Annie and Jay? Yes, ma'am.

You the Annie that writes "Who's Yo Mommy?"

Yeah.

I love your blog. You do?

I read it all the time. That's so great.

I mean, the way you write about motherhood and parenting.

Your marriage.

Thank you. How old are yours?

One's 18 months and one's 52 months.

Baby, it's Annie and Jay.

Yeah, well, I'm afraid Annie and Jay are in deep motherfuckin' shit.

Baby.

All you had to do was email me and I would've taken it down.

Do you have any idea how many people are makin' sex tapes out there?

We get about 1,000 new ones every day.

I don't need to be puttin' up sex tapes from people who don't want their sex tapes up there.

There's no shortage of sex tapes.

Okay? You didn't have to break my fuckin' door!

We're just incredibly sorry, sir, and we will pay for all the damages.

Yes, you will. Today.

And you will be incredibly grateful that I feel sorry for your asses and that my wife likes your blog.

No, we are very, very grateful. Super grateful. Thank you.

It is great of you.

Internet porn gets a bad rap in some circles, but it's not deserved.

I'm always tellin' people this. YouPorn is a community.

A safe, supportive place where people can go to display videos of themselves ass-fucking each other.

That's really nice.

It's wonderful.

I think so.

But let me ask you something.

Why'd you make the video in the first place if you didn't want anyone to see it?

I mean, I know why you did it.

But what about you?

It was my idea, actually.

I just guess it was something different, you know. Something new.

Yeah, that's what I thought. "Something new."

Let me tell you somethin'. I've see a lot of fuckin' sex tapes.

It's not something people do when everything's goin' great.

It's what you do when you've lost track of why you're fuckin' in the first place.

It's a quick fix.

But it doesn't solve anything.

And a lot of times it just hides bigger problems.

Look at Paris Hilton and Ricky Salomon.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.

Pamela Anderson and Bret Michaels.

Vince Neil and Janine Lindemulder.

Janine Lindemulder and me.

All of these relationships had bigger problems.

They all forgot why they were fuckin' in the first place.

Anyway, that'll be roughly $15,000. How would you like to pay?

I think that went pretty well.

I know. He was so nice.

Oh, my God. What time is it?

We have to be at school for graduation at 9:00.

We have to get ready, you guys.

I gotta gel my hair.

Come on! Come on, come on, come on!

Go, go, go! We got this!

Okay, babes. Eat up, eat up, eat up.

Through the thing and magically, bam!

Let's see it.

Pretty good.

Hairbrush!

Okay, let's go.

But I gotta get this on.

Put it on in the car. Go, go!

I gotta go backstage.

Go. Go graduate, pal.

We love ya. Bye.

Mommy, I'm gonna go find my class, okay? Okay, honey.

All right. We'll catch ya after. See ya. Bye!

Hey, there we go. Okay. Great. Perfect.

Sorry.

We made it. Yeah.

We got 'em all back.

I mean, we may have to steal Howard's computer later.

But how hard can that be?

Hi.

I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to look at Robby the same way again.

I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual, if that helps at all.

I love you.

I love you, too.

No. I mean it.

Like, not in the way that we say it to each other all the time.

I mean, I really love you.

And I'm also really sorry about the video, if I hadn't said that already.

Thank you.

You hadn't.

In a way, though, I'm also really glad that it happened.

'Cause I was thinkin' about what you said at Hank's.

You said that a thing like this, like "the video incident," reveals a lot about a person.

And you're right.

And you know what it revealed about you?

You are generous.

You're kind.

You're imaginative. You always remember what's important.

You're ready for anything.

You're a bit of a lightweight when it comes to cocaine.

But I think that is a great quality.

I just think that you're really amazing.

That's why I'm fuckin' you in the first place.

You know what this revealed about you?

It revealed that you would do anything to get those iPads back for me.

And there is no one I would rather be with when the shit hits the fan.

God, I lucked out.

I lucked out.

I fucking love you. I fucking love you.

Excuse me. Public place.

Hi, Mom. Excuse me. Hi.

Good morning, everyone.

Let's all settle in and find a seat.

My name is Principal Rodriguez and I would like to welcome everyone to our fourth-grade graduation ceremony.

First up, I'd like to introduce our video yearbook maestro, - Clive Hargrove. Yeah!

This is a video I made showing the amazing year we had.

Taking pictures and videos is really important because it reminds us what's really important and all the amazing times we had.

So now I present to you our fourth-grade video yearbook.

You erased the video off of our computer, right?

Right, Jay?

Is it Video 1 or Movie 1?

Video 1, I think.

I love you. Call 911. Okay.

It's Video 1. No, wait, it's Movie 1.

No! It's not Movie 1.

Wait, is it the most recent one? Yeah, the most recent one.

What's Frankensync? Hurry, honey, hurry.

It's okay. It was the right thing to do. He's fine.

Shit. Are you okay?

I'm not okay, man.

Okay. Why doesn't Tess bring you to the hospital and I'll just make sure your computer's okay.

Dude! That's insane.

You take him to the hospital. I will make sure the computer's okay.

No, wait, I feel like I'm being... Careful, careful, careful.

Hey, guys.

Let's just take a minute and acknowledge that we have a lot to celebrate.

Your mom gettin' an offer on her blog.

I'll get it. So why did you jump off the balcony?

I told you, sweetie. I tripped.

That's why it's very important to always use the railings, and to label your videos properly.

Can I go get some ice cream with Howard and Marta?

No. Why not?

Because it's family night.

And after this I think we should all go get some donuts.

And maybe laser tag.

Awesome. Are you sure?

You can barely move over there. She's right.

I'm sure.

Howard. Jay.

We told you, Clive is busy tonight.

A moment, please.

So? I see what you're up to, asshole.

I have no idea what you're talkin' about, Howard.

Withholding Clive.

Looks like I might have some moves of my own.

Might wanna watch your back.

Are you threatening me, Jay?

I ain't payin' you shit, motherfucker.

Have you seen what I'm capable of? I jumped off a fuckin' balcony.

You do not want to cross me.

I don't care anymore. And that makes me fuckin' dangerous.

Yeah, boy.

This is the last copy of your stupid tape. All right?

I deleted all of the other copies.

Why should I believe you?

Doin' it for Clive.

To protect him.

Can't have this shit out there, so I'm makin' a sacrifice.

Plus, he's kinda my only friend and I really wanna hang out with him.

I can respect that decision.

Believe me, Jay.

This is harder to give back to you than you could ever imagine.

Yeah. It's a good move, though.

Let go of the fuckin' thing.

I'll be by tomorrow.

I'll see ya then, you fuckin' weirdo.

That's it? Yep.

That's the last copy.

Okay?

Wait!

Just this once? Just this once.

And we don't even have to watch the whole thing.

We can just skip around a little bit. Okay?

- Hello. Hi.

And welcome...

I'm glad that we didn't go fucking roller skating.

Put your leg between my butt cheeks.

And then you lick my armpit.

Really? That's what it says.

All right.

Armpit it is.

How is it?

It's fine.

I'm gonna be so impressed. Okay, here I go.

One, two, three.

Okay. Good?

All right. Get in there. Should I come in?

Oh, wow. Yeah.

Okay? Yeah.

Yeah, totally, come on. Yeah? Okay.

Yeah. Of course, honey. My God. This is so cute.

Thank you for doing this. This is my dream.

Always wanted to do this.

- You got such a great outfit, honey. Thanks.

Take me out to the ball game Take me out to the park Buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jacks I don't care if I ever get back One, a-two, a-three strikes you're out At the old ball game You ready?

Yeah. Totally.

My balls! My balls!

No, don't touch me, don't touch me! Please!

Do it!

Fuck!

Oh, my God! I kneed you in the vagina!

Honey, I ran track in college! I can do this!