Sexy Beast (2000) Script

Oh, yeah.

Bloody hell.

I'm sweatin' here.

Oh, roastin'.

Boilin'.

Bakin'.

Swelterin'.

It's like a sauna.

Furnace.

You could fry an egg on my stomach.

Ohh.

Who wouldn't lap this up?

It's ridiculous.

Tremendous.

Fantastic.

Fan-dabby-dozy-tastic.


Oi, give it some.

This brush is shit.

It's a good brush. What's the matter with ya?

Don't blame the brush. It's the man.

It's you. It's your technique. Put your back into it.

Mush!

Yes, sir.


Oi. I don't pay you to flap about. Go get us a couple of beers.


Oh, lovely.


Boulder.

What's that? It's a boulder.

A what? A fuckin' boulder. Oh, I think I've got the fucking bends.

How did that happen? I don't fuckin' know. Where's the mobile?

I almost got killed, Dee.

I was that close to gettin' killed, serious.

You nearly came home to a squashed husband. Here. Give your mate a call.

Who? Your mate, the one with the truck.

Felipe? Yeah, if that's his name. That's him, give him a call.

Don't worry about this, darling. It's nothing.

Come here.

It has done a fair bit of damage there, Gal.

Cracked the tiles. Look.

Yeah, I had noticed. When's that gettin' fixed then?

Saturday, apparently.

Wouldn't bet on it. They're taking the boulder out Tuesday, and retiling on a Saturday, I hope.

Fuckin' hell!

Fucking thing.

He should be in the circus. He's a menace. You all right, darling?

Yeah, I'm all right.

Fucking thing.

Oi, Gal.

You gonna stay with the same colored water? What you mean?

Water.

You stickin' with the plain?

You can have different colors.

Fuck off. Straight up, I'm tellin' ya.

Aquamarine, deep blue, mid-blue, tangerine, lilac, pink, plain, anything you want.

They got a chart. Is that right?

Check it out. Have a look. Gal, he's at it.

But I'm not. What do you know?

Look, Gal, just have the fuckin' plain.

I fully intend to. Now eat your sausage.

People say, "Don't you miss it, Gal?"

I say, "What, England? Nah, fucking place.

It's a dump. Don't make me laugh.

Gray, grimy, sooty.

What a shithole. What a toilet.

Every cunt with a long face shuffling about moaning, all worried.

No, thanks. Not for me."

They say, "What's it like then, Spain?"

And I'll say, "It's hot."

"Hot?"

"Oh, it's fucking hot."

"Too hot?"

"Not for me.

I love it."


You ain't gonna hit fuck all with that blunderbuss.

You'd be better off with a spear.

Shut up, Aitch. I'll give you 100 to one.


Hold up.

Little peach.

It's only a tiddler, Aitch.

That's his problem.

Prepare to meet your maker.

Cowboy gun. Fuckin' right it was a cowboy gun. Clunk.

What?

I'm gonna have the calamari. What are you having?

I'm not sure yet.

They got mussels. You like mussels. Have the mussels.

No, I think I'm gonna have this chicken thing.

Chicken thing? What chicken thing? I didn't see that. Where's that?

Oh, yeah. No, I'm gonna have the calamari. I love calamari.

Should we just order? I'm starving.

I'm Lee Marvin. Here they are.

Hello, babe.

Whatever it is, leave it outside.

That way we can have a nice evening.

Jackie, you look beautiful.

Can you get me a brandy, Aitch?

That's what I like to hear: Brandy.

Bloody brandy. I'll have one of them.

You all right, Jackie? Aitch, can you get me a brandy?

Tell him, then.

Tell me what?

Jackie?

Are you definitely retired?

Yeah, I'm retired. Why? Definitely?

I'm definitely retired. What's this about?

Gal, we had a phone call just before we left the house. Yeah?

It was from London. He's definitely retired.

Wait a minute, love.

Now let me get this straight.

You had a call.

The phone goes. It's a job, right?

Yeah. And they want me?

Yeah.

They don't want no one else? No.

They want me? Yeah.

All right.

Well, you've asked me and I've said no.

That's it. So, why are we still talking?

Jack?

It was Don Logan.

Oh, Christ.

Don Logan. Gal, I'm sorry.

I didn't know what to say. It's all right, Jackie.

What's he doing calling you anyway? Why didn't he just call us?

Who knows what goes on in that cunt's head?

It's not your fault. You should never have picked up the fuckin' phone.

All right. All right.

Um, you tell Don, um, tell him, thanks— thanks for thinking of me, but I've got to decline his offer, no offense, but— You can't tell him that, Gal. Well, then, tell him—

Tell him—

I'd be no good to him. Be serious, Gal.

Tell him what the fuck you like. Tell him anything.

You can tell him yourself.

What?

Yeah.

He's coming over? Tomorrow.

He wants us to pick him up at the airport.

Okay.

Señor.

He rates you, Gal. Reckons there's no risk.

That's nice— nice and cold.

I love this restaurant.

Deedee, my lovely wife.

Come Saturday I'll have me pool back, swim in it.

Always dreamed of that— this.

Guess where?

That's it. Got it right in one.

Inside, that's where.

No risk.

No fucking risk.

Nine years of my fucking life. No fucking risk.

What are you having? I'm having the calamari.


Look, what's the worst thing that can happen? What's the worst scenario?

He's gonna come here, ask me.

I'm gonna say no. He's not gonna be happy. Then he'll leave.

That simple? Yes, that simple.

Now, please, come to bed. I miss you.

We don't have to be here.

No, that would be the wrong thing to do.

You know that.

That'd be like a red rag to a bull.

All I can do is tell him to his face that I'm not interested.

That's all I can do.

And I'm not.

And I will tell him.

Come here. Give us a hug.

He'll hurt you.

Nah.

He won't.

He won't hurt me. He can't.

You know he can.

Come on. Let's get some kip.


Oi.

Sort 'em out. You'll have the balance on Saturday once it's retiled.

Listen, son. Stay away from me for a bit.

I'm all right for the moment.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.


I've gotta change my shirt. It's sticking to me. I'm sweating like a cunt.


How's your brother, Don? Malky, he's all right, I suppose.

He's Malky, isn't he? Don't know. You'd have to ask him.

You patched things up? It's up to him, isn't it?

How was the flight, Don? It was all right.

So this is a Spanish villa, is it?

Yeah, this is it. The old hacienda.

A bit remote, isn't it? A bit cut off.

No, it's perfect, Don. It's just how we like it.

Do you wanna have a look around?

Yeah, I will in a minute when I have a piss.

Right then, girls, you fit? Where are you going?

I'm just taking the ladies out for something to eat.

Leave you two to it. What, ain't I invited?

No, Don.

No, no, of course you are, Don.

I thought you might want some time, talk about things.

No, I'm joking. It's all right.

Here you are. I'll get it. No, that's all right, Don.

No need for that. Aitch, behave. I'm paying for your meal.

Oh, that's very kind of you, Don.

Very nice of you. Very nice— Shut up.

Yeah, this is all right, isn't it?

Not bad. What's that?

It's a swimming pool. It's a bath, isn't it?

We've had an accident. Accident?

Yeah, this boulder came rolling down the hill. Just missed me.

Smashed some tiles, look.

You happy here?

Yeah, very.

What did Jackie say?

Just that something was happening. Which it is.

And?

That you were planning something.

And you said? Well, I didn't say much. Just listened.

She put a question to ya.

Yeah. Which was?

That you thought of me. To which you said?

Well, she probably told ya.

She told me nothing.

Look, Don— "Look, Don"?

It's like this. Like what?

I'm... retired.

Are ya?

Afraid so.

I haven't not got lots of money. I got enough.

I'll do anything not to offend ya, but I can't take part.

I'm not really up to it.

Not up to it? No, I'm not.

I see.

I'd be useless.

Useless? I would be.

In what way? In every fucking way.

Why are you swearing? I'm not swearing.

Listen, Gal, I'm gonna tell you a little story.

I know a bloke who knows a bloke...

Who knows a bloke.

Hello? Now you know this bloke.

Do I? This is a bloke you know.

Is that Mr. Logan? Who's this?

Hello, Mr. Logan. Hello.

What are you doing? Watching telly.

What are you watching? Nothing.

Is that Stan? Of course it is, you cunt.

Stan Higgins.

Wants me to put a team together. Eight men.

Strong. Ain't afraid to graft.

It's gonna take you all night.

Good boys. Gotta be good boys. Reliable.

Positive attitude. It's very important.

Very important.

That's what we're looking for, Don.

Who's behind this, Stan? Who do you think?

Who do you think, Gal? I don't know. Who?

Who? Teddy.

Teddy?

Teddy Bass. Mr. Black Magic himself.

Teddy Bass.

A few months back, he gets invited to this party.

Massive place on the Bishop's Avenue.

Wild party. Orgy. Orgy.

Said it was fucking incredible.

Arses everywhere.

Doing everything.

Wanking, spanking.

Fucking.

Cocaine. Camcorders.

It was like ancient Rome.

How are you feeling, Teddy? Are you all right?

Having fun? Yeah, it's a gas.

What you staring at? And who's he fucking sitting next to?

Who's he fucking sitting next to?

Teddy, this is Harry. Harry's the chairman of Imperial Emblatt.

Only the fucking chairman of Imperial Emblatt. You heard of that?

No. Course not. That's 'cause they're one of those sniffy lot.

Don't need publicity. Don't seek it. Above it.

The back of your head.

What did you say? I'm staring at the back of your head.

Well, don't. Stare at the back of your own fucking head.

They're a bit like Standard Gradings T.M.D. Remember them?

Yeah, safety deposits, late '70s.

That's it. Only these are bigger.

Much bigger.

Men or women?

Oh.

Definitely.


Now this chairman's not as big a prick as he looks.

He knows who Teddy Bass is, what he is, what he's up to.

Does he care? Does he? Fuck.

Thank you for that, Harry. I was looking for somewhere safe for that.

It's been in the family for ages, donkey's years, generations.

Why? 'Cause the place is impregnable.

It's got one of the most elaborate security systems in Europe.

Well, thanks, Teddy. Thank you for choosing us.

It's a modern fortress.

No, it's perfect for me. I'm well impressed.

I feel very... safe.

Well, rest assured, Teddy. We're very safe.

Very comforting to know that, Harry.

Nice to do business with you.

See you around.

I'll tell you what, Stan. That is fucking impressive, that place.

I'll say that. Fucking futuristic.

Yeah?

Doable?

Don't see why not.

You see, Gal, where there's a will— and there is a fucking will— There's a way.

And there is a fucking way.

There's always a fucking way.

We're looking at Saturday, but you're needed in London this Friday.

It's a bit sudden, isn't it?

Sudden? No, it's very far from sudden.

Teddy's been working on this for five months. Stan almost that.

I've been in on it for two.

It's not sudden. Preparation, preparation, preparation.

As far as the job, it's a piece of piss. A monkey could do it. That's why I thought of you.

Cheers, Don.

You're at the Grosvenor. Your name's Roundtree— like Smarties, like Shaft.

If they give you a pull, you're just over here to see friends, family, that sort of thing.

Somebody will call you, pick you up. Probably Mike.

What's that supposed to mean?

What? That stupid nodding you're doing.

Is this a "fuck off," Gal?

No, of course not.

Are you saying no? No.

Is that what you're saying? Not exactly.

What are you saying? I'm just saying... thanks and all that.

Thanks for thinking of me.

But I'm just gonna have to turn this opportunity down.

No, you're gonna have to turn this opportunity yes.

I'm not exactly match fit. You seem all right to me.

No, not really, Don. You look fine.

I'm not. Do the job.

What? Do the job.

No, Don. No. No. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I can't. I can't. You can. Fat cunt.

Don't do this. Look. Do what?

What am I doing? This.

This? This what?

Come on, Don. There's a boy looking at us.

Go home, son. Go on. I don't need you today.

Well, go on.

Go home!

Who was that?

Spanish kid who helps me around the house. He's a nice kid.

Do you wanna go into town, Don? Have a drink? Show you around the place?

If you like. I'm not fussed.

You're on two percent— two-and-a-half.

Maybe even three. Depends on the usual bumflufferies.

But it's not about the money with you and me, is it, Gal?

It's the charge, it's the bolt, it's the buzz.

It's the sheer "fuck-offness" of it all. Am I right?

She's all right, Jackie, isn't she?

Yeah, she's great. Great laugh.

Big tits.

Yeah, she's a lovely girl.

Listen, Gal, I missed my plane. I'm staying the night. Is it all right with you?

Of course.

I fucked her.

That's none of my business, Don. Yeah, I know. I'm just telling you.

Three years ago.

Oh, yeah. Dirty cow.

Yeah. Aitch knows fuck all about it.

What's she doing with him— lanky hunk of piss, fucking pillock?

He loves her, Don.

I'm tempted to tell him.

During what we was doing, she tried to stick her finger up my bum.

I almost hit the roof. You can imagine.

What do you make of a woman who would want to do that?

Listen, don't say nothing, Gal. Keep this to yourself, but I—

I quite liked her.

Did ya?

Mmm.

How is she? All right?

What's that, Don? You heard.

No, I didn't, Don. Sorry.

Yeah, well, I'm not repeating it.

How far is the sea?

Talk to me, Gal.

I'm here for you.

I'm a good listener.

What can I say, Don? I've said it all. I'm retired.

Shut up.

Cunt.

Ya louse. You got some fuckin' neck, ain't you?

Retired? Fuck off. You're revolting.

Look at your fucking suntan. You're like leather. Like a leather man, your skin.

You could make a fucking suitcase out of you, holdall.

You're like a crocodile— fat crocodile, fat bastard.

You're like fucking Idi Amin, you know what I mean?

Stay here? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Who do you think you are?

King of the castle?

Cock of the walk?

What, you think this is the wheel of fortune?

You think you can just make your dough and fuck off, leave the table?

"Thanks, Don. See ya, Don.

Off to sunny Spain now. Fuck off, Don."

You lie in your pool like a fat blob laughing at me. You think I'm gonna have that?

Do you really think I'm gonna have that, ya ponce?

All right, I'll make it easy for you.

God, you're fucking trying.

Are you gonna do the job?

It's not a difficult question. Yes or no?

Don— Say it.

No. Yes. Fuck off, wanker. You're doing it.

Know what I've noticed? You know what stands out crystal clear?

You haven't asked about anybody.

Everyone's always asking after you. "How's Gal? Heard from him?"

"No, not for a while." "Is he all right?"

Leaves me wondering, "Have I done something to upset him?"

Must have. I'll ask him. Have I done something to upset you?

Of course not. Meaning?

Well, you haven't. You were born in Britain. You're not a fucking Spaniard.

Don't kid yourself. You look like a laughingstock.

What's that?

It's a goat.

They're a fucking nuisance.

What's it looking at me for?

Don, the steak was enormous.

Size of it. Couldn't finish it.

And he were nice, weren't he? The waiter.

Oh, yeah, very attentive.

He liked you, Deedee, didn't he?

Liked you. He's got good taste.

Handsome fucker, weren't he?

Bloody Adonis.

Wasn't very expensive. You sound nice on the phone, Jack.

Nice telephone voice.

Sound like you work in an office.

You ever worked in an office?

No.

No?

Nice telephone voice.

I've worked in an office.

I was 17. Does that surprise you?

What, that you were 17?

You got very nice eyes, Deedee.

Never noticed them before.

They real?

I'll get us all a drink, eh? I'll give you a hand.

He's staying the night. Have you told him?

Have you told him? Yeah, I've told him.

And?

Well, it's not that simple.

Did you know he fucked Jackie?

Yeah.

What the fuck was she playing at?

This is a fuckin' nightmare.

The man's a fuckin' nightmare.

All right, then, what'd he say?

You told him?

He knows.


I shouldn't have told him that.

I shouldn't have said anything there.

Where? Back there in the bar, about Jackie.

Jackie the Paki.

What, Gal? He's all right.

Still giving too much of yourself away, mate. Fucking mouth.

Best keep schtum.

Schtum, schtum, quick, quick, schtum.

Big mouth. Fucking big mouth, Don, Don, Don.

You all right, mate?

Don't look it.

Someone taking the piss out of you, are they?

Liberties.

What, that cunt through there?

Is he insulting you? What's he said to you? It's all right, mate.

You can tell me.

He said that?

Just like that? No.

That lump of shit said that? Expects you to take that? Just swallow that?

What, does he think you're a cunt?

I'll sort him out for you. That's no problem.

Can't have that.

Get up, you cunt!

Lazy bastard! Get out of our room!

Get out, Don. Get out!

I'll be downstairs.

I love you, Gal.

You are lovable.

Big, lovable bloke.

Lovable lum— lovable lummox.

Gal Dove, party boy.

Big oaf.

So, how is she? All right?

No, no. How is she?

Well, is she?

She looks it. Still looking after herself.

Climate obviously agrees with her. Still game for a laugh?

Honestly, when I think of all the birds you could have had, and you had to pick her.

Gal Dove. Gal-fucking-Dove.

Dove the love, glamorous Gal, big Gal.

Gorgeous. You used to have a great body, great physique.

Handsome. Birds loved you. Couldn't get enough.

And you wind up with that.

Dirty Deedee.

I love her with all my heart.

You know Vicki Raisins, the Maltese pornographer?

He's an old man now, but he's still operatin' just off the old Kent Road.

He tells me Deedee's still got a fan club.

They meet up first Tuesday of every month.

The Wednesday wank, they call it. Yeah.

They're in big demand nowadays, those old Super 16s. She's very popular.

Oh, yeah, very popular. You seen 'em?

I've seen 'em. Dearie me. What a stain on your life.

All the Persil in the world couldn't shift it. She's disgusting.

Do it.

I'm really tired.

Do it.

This is madness.

I've had enough of this Crime and Punishment bollocks.

I'm happy here.

I won't let you be happy! Why should I?

Friday. The Grosvenor. You'll be there. I won't.

You will. I told Ted you're doing it. Don't you show me up.

No, I won't be there. You will. You're Mr. Roundtree.

No. Yes, Roundtree.

No. Yes, Grosvenor.

No, Don. Friday!

I won't be there. You will!

No, Don. Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Don, let's... stop kidding ourselves, eh?

We both know the reason you're here, and it's not just because of me.

What did you say?

It's not just because of me.

What are you talking about?

You didn't come here to— just because of me.

I find this astonishing. You're amazing. This is astounding.

Repeat.

Let's be honest.

This is about Jackie.

I come over here... for professional reasons, nothing else.

On a professional mission.

I've gotta get a team together. Gotta handpick a team.

And I have you in mind for that team.

But, quite frankly, your attitude appalls me.

It's not what you're saying.

It's all the stuff you're not saying. "Insinnuendos."

You really are demonstrating some whopping great ego, my friend!

I'd keep that in check if I were you!

'Cause that sort of big-headedness can be a right turnoff!

If you don't want to do the job, fair enough! I can accept that!

We'll leave it at that.

And considering what I know about you and the outrageousness of what's inside of your head, whatever stinking thoughts you're having, which I don't want to know 'cause they're so disgusting!

Fucking hell! Fucking hell!

I would like to leave now, this minute, please. Get me a taxi.


Sir, I'm afraid you can't smoke.

What? What do you want?

Your cigarette. You have to put it out.

Cigarette? What, this? No, I'm not gonna put it out.

You must. Why's that?

If you don't, we can't take off.

Well, that's your problem, isn't it?

It's your move.

I'm afraid you can't— No, I'm not gonna put it out.

You're just gonna have to wait till I've finished it. Simple as that.

Why don't you just put the cigarette out?

What's that, Sancho?

You want me to cut your hands off, use it as an ashtray?

Yeah, I'll put it out, providing you're prepared to let me stub it out on your eyeball.

I'll put it out. Agreeable?

No.

Here come the gay brigade. Look.

I'll tell you what. I'll get off the plane.

You happy with that? I'm happy with that.

I'll smoke it outside.

Open the door.

I hope this crashes.

Open the fucking door!


This is very serious, Mr. Logan.

You're right, sir. It's very serious. I've been here for five hours.

As you may know, all European airlines— Before you start, I wanna say something. Let me ask you something.

Have you ever been sexually assaulted?

No, neither have I, until today, on that plane.

What? Yeah, that's what I said.

There's me putting my bag up in the cupboard.

Next thing you know, I feel hands on me. Someone's touched me.

Touched my front— my front bottom.

I can't believe it. I've gone all cold. I look round.

He's standin' there, that steward with the guilty look on his face.

I was shocked. I didn't know what to say.

I had to sit down, I was that perturbed.

And then his mate, the other one who was giving lessons on what we do if we land in the sea, how to wear your life jacket, et cetera, he starts looking at me all funny, suggestive.

Now, I don't know whether they wanted me for a two's-up or something, I don't know how they work it.

But I tell you what, it scared me.

I was shaking like a leaf.

So, without thinking, I lit up a cigarette to calm me nerves.

I was tremblin'. I was very emotional.

That's when all the rest of it happened. It's very regrettable.

Now, I don't want to kick up a fuss. Right?

Press charges, contact the British embassy.

I'd rather not pursue those channels.

It's not my style. I'm not that sort of a bloke.

I wouldn't want to lose the man his job. A man's got to eat.

And I'm sure he's not representative of all you Spanish people.

But I would appreciate it if you'd have a word with him, let him know he's been rumbled.

He's the one with the ginger hair.

What do you think he's saying?

"Gal told me, go fuck meself"?

Gal, come on. How long you gonna be?

Two seconds. I'm just combing me hair.

He'd look a right cunt. That's what he is.

That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying he has to save face.

Protect himself, his image, his ego, his big head.

No, I'll tell you what's happening.

He's gone back and he's said,

"I've decided not to go with Gal.

He's far too fat. He looks fuckin' terrible. Michelin man."

Fuck off. I'm beautiful.

No, mate, put yourself in his perspective, the way he sees things.

You're in the clear. Trust me.

You think I'm stupid? You think I'm some sort of fucking cunt?

Some fucking twat? You think I'm gonna have that?

Do you really think I'm gonna have that?

My fucking ears were burning all the way fucking back in the fucking cab!

Fucking on fire!

What happened, Don? What happened?

What fucking happened?

I'll tell you what fucking happened.

You tell me, Gal. You tell me what fucking happened.

Give me a fucking knock-back, you fat fucking cunt.

Problem with the plane, Don? What's that?

What did you fucking say, cunt? What?

Problem? Fucking problem?

No, mate, no.

No fucking problem with the plane, cunt. The fucking plane was fine.

Fucking plane was all right. Fucking plane was perfect. It's you!

You're the problem. You're the fucking problem, you fucking Dr. White honking jam rag, arcane spunk bubble.

I'm telling you, Aitch, you keep looking at me, I'm gonna put you in the fucking ground, I promise you!

Dee, take Jackie and Aitch inside.

Yeah.

Can I get you a drink... Yeah, you do that, you scheming cunt!

See if the ladies let you try on one of their panty girdles, you fucking— Don. Shut up!

Shut up.

Not this time, Gal. Not this time.

Not this fucking time.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No! Not this fucking time! No fucking way! No fucking way!

No fucking way! No fucking way!

You made me look a right cunt!

Like a right fucking Mr. Confused. "What's he doing?"

What's Jackie gonna think to that? Not that I care.

I'm not into her anymore. That's your fault, fucking me about.

Is your middle name Ungrateful? Ain't you got nothing to say?

Just gonna stand there like Porky Pig, hiding behind your wife's skirt?

Your ex-porn star wife's skirt!

I don't give two fucks what Jackie Big Tits thinks about me coming back.

She can think what she fucking likes. I've got enough information on her.

So what if she's got a pretty face? That can all change!

Age changes that. I'm looking forward to seeing her when she's 70.

See if she's still coming the cunt with a face like a wrinkled prune.

Can't fucking wait! Aitch will be well gone by then!

I'm gonna kill you, Gal. I'm gonna fucking kill him.

What, you point a gun at me?

You point a gun at me?

Gonna shoot me, are ya?

Gonna shoot me?

Go on then, shoot me. It's all right.

Shoot me.

I'll have that.

There you go.

Cheers. Good luck.


You're at the Grosvenor. Your name's Roundtree... like Smarties, like Shaft.

If they give you a pull, you're just here to see friends, family, that sort of thing.

Somebody'll call you, pick you up.

Probably Mike.


Gal, you got a minute?

Stan.

Hello, Ted. How did he seem, Gal? How did he come across?

Who? Don.

Don? He was all right. He was Don, wasn't he? Why?

Just trying to trace back.

He was due back on Wednesday.

No, he stayed with me Wednesday. He left Thursday.

Yesterday? Yeah.

That's what I mean.

You take him to the airport? No.

You didn't? No, he got a cab. Why?

So you didn't see him get on the plane then? Well, no, not personally, no.

But I know he got on the plane. How?

Because he called me from Heathrow.

He called you? Yeah, he called me. What's happening?

Why'd he call you? I don't know. He just said he landed safely.

I thought it was a bit funny meself.

Sorry about this, Gal. It's just Don's gone AWOL.

Oh. You finished with Gal, Ted?

Yeah. You can go back, Gal.

We'll be through in a minute to talk you through it all. Good to see you.


That's a boy. Let me get some tea.

Just taking it step by step. What else can I do?

Just one more day, darling. Just one more day.

If you look at it like that, that's all it is— just one more day.

Dee? Dee?

I love you like a rose loves rainwater, like a leopard loves his partner in the jungle, like— I don't know what like. I love you.

I love you. I love you.

I know you know. I know.

I know that.

I know you love me, because I feel strong.

I have to go. I gotta get back.

I'm gonna hang up now.

I just want you to do one thing for me, just one.

Just say my name for me.

Just once.

Gal.


This phone call he made from Heathrow— Tell me what he said again.

Who, Don? I told you.

Tell me again.

Just that he got back safe. No.

He didn't do that.

How do you mean? I mean he didn't do it.

Yeah, he did.

No, he didn't.

He didn't phone you from Heathrow.

I'm the one who got the call.

If you know something different, then tell me.

I don't know, Ted. I don't know what you're trying to get at here.

Don came to see me, offered me a job.

I said, "Yes, please." Then he goes.

Next thing, he phones me from Heathrow, says, "See you Friday night."

That's how he left it. But he didn't phone you from Heathrow.

All right, he didn't fucking phone me from Heathrow, but he phoned me.

I'm not lying, Ted.

Okay.

All right.

Good luck tonight.

Cheers.

Help me!


See you around.

You see, Gal, where there's a will— and there is a fucking will— There's a way.

And there is a fucking way.

There's always a fucking way.


How's it going, Gal? Well, we're in there, Stan.

But it ain't getting any easier.

It's just so fucking awkward.

What time is it? Ten of 12:00.

How long are we looking at? At least another three hours, Ted, maybe four.

No, fuck that.

Two, two and a half.

I've got it already!


Help me, you!

Help me!

Help me! Help me!

Help me! God, help me! All right, Don.

You've fucked hundreds! Fucked hundreds!

She's fucking— You bastard!

Jackie!

I love you.

Aitch!

Help me, you cunt!

Aitch, get the fucking gun!

Fat, fat fuck! Cunt! Cunt!

Murdering twat!

Bollock!

I'm gonna fuckin' kill you.

Fuckin' jokers.

I fucked Jackie.

Fucked her.

Ask her. She'll tell you.

I fucked her.

Yeah, well, I've fucked you now, haven't I?

Right, Malky, take that out!


Pull! Pull!

Pull!

Everyone all right?


Oh! Oh! Let's go!

Wheel 'em out!

Go on. Give it your best shot.

Aaah!

Oh, don't give me that. Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop that! Come on!

There he is. Say somethin' for Teddy!

Gentlemen, you're all cunts.

Are you tired?

No, I'm all right, actually, Ted.

Listen, you're a fuckin' millionaire now, ain't ya?

I was just gonna say— Gal, no, no, no, no. You, uh—

Go on.

What?

Congratulations. I mean, it went like a fucking dream, didn't it?

Congratulations all around.

What's the matter? You do not look happy.

Who, me? No, I'm happy, all right. I'm well happy.

Well, we're all happy, mate.

What's with the bag?

You, uh— You shooting off?

Who, me? No— Well, yeah.

I got a plane to catch. Have you?

Mmm.

I'll give you a lift.

No, it's all right, Ted. I'll get— Come on.

See you later, Stan.


I've just gotta stop off a minute along the way.

Is that all right?

Yeah. Of course.


Come with me.


Who is it?

It's Teddy.

What do you want?

It's ten past 5:00.

I know, I'm sorry. I need your help, Harry. Something's happened.

What is it?

Come in, Gal.

What are you doing?

I need a drink for my friend here. Can you fix him one?

So, what are you having, Gal?

Um, I'll have a whiskey, please.

Cheers.

Now I'm all right.

Where's Don, Gal?

He never left Spain, Gal. I know that.

He never got on a plane.

Well, he did.

Then he got off again.

And there's no record of him getting another flight.

I can only assume... he's still in Spain.

I'm not into this anymore, Ted.

Spain, eh?

Yeah.

I must drop in sometime.

Pay my respects.

How much did he say you were on for this, Gal?

He wasn't that specific. He just said— Well, I'm gonna give you a tenner.


I've only got 20s.

Have you got change?


You see, if I cared, Gal, if I fucking cared, if I gave a solitary fuck about Don—


Get out of the fucking car.


Look, with this pill, you take it and that's it.

Your hair don't grow. You don't go bald. It stays the same.

You have your hair cut once, in whatever style you want, and it stays like that for the rest of your natural life.

It's completely revolutionary.

And, uh, what if you get fed up with your style, you berk?

Oh, well, that's where the antidote comes in, doesn't it?

Oh! Smart-ass.

The whole process is reversible.

You just take a different pill.

Now, I'm not saying this is gonna happen in the next couple of years, but it will happen.

Oh, it's definitely coming.

Hairdressers are shittin' themselves.

Will you please shut up?

Look, they did a test with three monkeys, right?

Gave them all a Beatle-style haircut.

Now, they've been living with that cut for the past two years.

And apparently, they're very happy with it.

I can't listen to this.

Are you hungry, love? Shall I fix you a sandwich?

Oh, yeah. That would be lovely.

Told you you'd do the job.

But you're dead.