Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators S2E10 Script

Too Cold for Hell (2019)

This number is not in service.

Well he was supposed to meet us at the new house but he never turned up.

Melted into air. Into thin air.

Yeah, "into air."

"Into thin air" babe. Yeah.

Right. Let's start from the beginning shall we?

Um, what name was he using? It was Fred Froste.

With an "E". Mm.

We found him on the internet.

He was ever so well spoken. Oh yeah and very reasonable, as well.

I bet he was.

All our wedding presents.

We had a gift registry at John Lewis.

Oh here.

Have a tissue.

Did you call the police? Oh, they knew about him.

But he keeps changing his name and they don't have the, um... what's it, them... Oh...

Resources. Yeah.

Nice fish.

What's he doing here? All the leg work while you take all the credit.

Uh, Fred Froste... AKA Foster...

Softer, Forest...

Certainly giving you the run-around.

It's called out-sourcing.

And if it leads to a conviction then... A Mountie always gets his man.

Uh, be a good lad will ya, make us a copy.

You know where the kettle is.

I said "copy".

Thefts following ads in the local press and online.



"Forest"... Oh they're anagrams.

They're anagrams! Yeah, might make him easier to find.

I love Scrabble.

Good. We could use a hand.

It's a shame I'm so terrible at spelling.

Suppose I should probably just stick to answering the phone, really.

Frank! Frank!

He's sitting six feet away...

"Florian Fortes. Gentleman and van. Highly competitive rates".

Do you think that's them? There's only one way to find out.

Florian Fortes. Here for your quote.

Kate Minola.

Come through.

And that glowering hulk there, is Peter. My soon-to-be ex husband.

Yeah, for which I thank God.

Oh, well you'll have to get in the queue behind me.

You're not in my queue.

You're in the queue with little red men with the forked tails and the little pointy sticks.

He will need all his stuff removing and putting into storage until he finds a suitably lonely and sterile bachelor pad.

You have some lovely things.

Oh thank you. He didn't choose any of them.

No but I paid for them.

Here, are you married?

Sadly not.

Well listen, if you do happen to make that mistake, take my advice.

Don't let them put their name on the deeds of the house you bought.

And also, don't buy your secretary thongs from Victoria's Secret and keep the receipts in your pocket.

I'll need a list of items for removal. Yes, OK.

Eh! You're not having the lawn mower.

Yes I am you bought me that for my birthday.

Yeah because I knew you wouldn't want one.

Oh well fine. You keep it.

I'm gonna get a gardener with a six pack.

Lu. We've got a problem.

It's Billy. "Billy The Brick"...

Well, do something!

Yeah, the doors open.

It's all, all packed up ready in the hallway.

Is everything alright, Mrs Minola? Only... well, like... your voice sounds a bit...

Yeah, a bit... yeah a bit, um... bit like ten years of my life is just packed in to cardboard boxes!

You know, it's just good riddance isn't it to bad rubbish!

Shut the door behind you!

Did you see that Frank? Yeah.

I've had it with Billy.

If the police catch him this time he's on his own.



Your phantom removal man. I've got a location and an ID...

You alright? Yes.

Right, let's see if it's in here.

Ah... it's that one.


Hi, Frank. Yeah...

Yeah, I know it's early but that's why it's called "a dawn raid".

Listen... Listen! We've found a body.

I need you to do an ID.

White male in his thirties.

Five foot eight. Shot through the heart.

Looks professional.

He fell on his face so we can't tell whether it's him or the accomplice.

It's Florian.

Then the money's on the gofer.

Goes by the name of Ned Poins.

Unsurprisingly he's done a runner.


Excuse me.

Are you not gonna tell them about Billy?

No, because he'll be arrested for murder won't he? Again!


Love's young dream will be happy at any rate.


That one's been opened. Do you think someone's taken something out of it?

Only one way to find out.

Nan! Wait, she's not here...

Anthony, Nan's gone... they've taken Nan!

She was in a statue.

No, an everlasting love angel cremation urn.

What will I say to Cuddles? That's her uncle.

He gave her to me because I was her favourite granddaughter.

Well, the only granddaughter.

Her only granddaughter.

And now I've lost her!

Well never mind, at least you've got the rest of your stuff back!

Excuse me!

This is a crime scene. There's been a theft!

And this is Detective Sergeant Keeler, who will assist you.

Well as you're both here can I get a description please of Froste's accomplice?

Oh erm, he was wearing an Aston Villa baseball cap. Red.

More of a wine.

Yeah, reddy wine.

Good luck!

Camomile tea.

It's good for shock...

Look, don't worry. It's only them.

Billy, I'd say this was a nice surprise but I'd be lying on both counts.

People are after me Frank.

I think they're gonna kill me.

Would that be the same people that shot your boss?

We've just been to his lock up.

From the beginning. No, actually scrap that.

From after you stole all of Peter Minola's worldly goods.

We were there late doing a stock take when trouble arrives...

Can I help you?

You've stolen something of mine.

Something that's very close to me.

Just take it.

I don't want any trouble. Ah, well, the trouble is, it's not here.

It might help, if I knew what "it" is.

Oh, you know.

Here's what's going to happen.

I'm going to count to three, and if you don't tell me where it is I'm going to have Mercy here, shoot you.

One... No, stop.

I don't know what it is. Two...

Please, no I swear, I don't...



Perhaps he didn't know.


More camomile tea?

It's not really working.

Have you got any brandy?

Billy, get on with it.

I waited till they'd gone then legged it home.

But they'd got there first and trashed the place.

They know where I live, Frank.

Do you think our man is Bianca's Uncle Cuddles?

Well, it might be. She did seem a bit scared of him.

Maybe you should ask her? Oh yeah, yeah.

Got any hobbies? Fishing? Golf? Murdering people in cold blood?

A bit more discrete than that.

Tell me about the angel, Billy.

You know the one in the Percy's packing case? Bianca's Nan was in it Billy.


I was taping up the boxes and I saw this statue of an angel.

Right up me foster mum's street.

Well, it's her birthday next week and I looked it up on the internet to see if it was worth anything and realised it was an urn with ashes in and I couldn't give my foster mum a dead person...

You didn't throw Nan away Billy? What do you take me for?

I do have some standards.

So I left her on a grave in the cemetery.

Well I suggest you retrieve her and and give her back to Bianca Percy before the more murderous side of the family catches up with you.

What's the problem?

You must be joking.

There are thousands of graves here.

19,000, to be precise.

It was dark by the time I got here and I stopped off first at the Boar's Head for a jar.

Or two.

You must have some idea.

I remember the name on the grave. Silas Yorick.

It's Shakespeare for "dead person".

I thought we could spread out.

Nineteen thousand divided by 3 equals no way Billy.

Do you have a better idea?

"Grave and plot locations can be accessed online via the cemetery website w-w-w, blah blah blah blah..."

I reckon she's a keeper despite what you said.

What did you say?

That he needed a gobby Barbie for a partner like a hole in the head.

No, I didn't!

Well, maybe once. But not now, that was before.

Lu. Shh!


Ah, whatcha...

Come on. Let's go.

Hello, hello, hello! I'm Jamie from the BBC.

We spoke on the phone.

Ant, the guy from the BBC's here!

In we go!

Ah... as I explained we are currently looking for contestants for our literally ground-breaking new series drum roll please... thank you very much, it is "Familee Tree!"

Involving teams of family members answering general knowledge questions in a tree house 250 feet above ground.

Now, ideal candidates will have large families who don't suffer from vertigo.

Although for health and safety they will be harnessed at all times.

We've always wanted to be on the BBC.

We're like a proper Gogglebox couple.

That's Channel 4.

Is someone famous asking the questions?

Well, strictly speaking I'm not allowed to say but, and you did not hear this from me... we are a whisker away from a "yay" from Jimmy Carr.

And our other front runner is... Sir Lenny Henry.

We love Sir Lenny! My Mum does, too!

"Giddy fortune!"

Let me go grab the tea.

So, shall we get started?

Tell me about your family.

Any interesting characters?

I don't know... silly nicknames? That sort of thing?

The mis-monikered "Cuddles" is Bianca's Uncle.

Claude Mortimer. Currently resident in Marbella.

Bianca Percy is a Mortimer, that's all we need.

A family of career criminals that make the Peaky Blinders look like the Teletubbies.

And the moral of this story is Billy?

Don't nick a mob boss's dead mother!

Oh, here we go! Silas Yorick.

1823 - 1891.

Plot CHV...


Not now.

When the cemetery closes.

What'll we do till then?

Well it may surprise you to know that we have other clients.

Ones that pay us.

Just sit down and shut up!

Can I play on your iPad?


Good afternoon Detective Sergeant Keeler.

What an unexpected surprise.

Do you have an appointment? Shh!

I'll let myself in.

Oh, hello Sergeant.

How can we help you?

You need some surveillance on the wife or something?

Billy Porters. What about him?

I've got a grass says he's Fortes accomplice?

Ah, well, that isn't that typical.

It's typical. We've not laid eyes on him.

So you don't know where he is?

Well you could try his parole officer.

I mean, I don't keep tabs on him, so...

Funny that because you visited him in prison... on four occasions last time he was inside.

Yes. I did.

And that's because his foster mother asked me to.

Yeah, she had a hip replacement and she couldn't get in to see him.

Aren't you a Middlesbrough supporter?

That's mine.

Ha! Gosh, yeah.

Love the Villa's.

I don't miss a match.

What was the score last Saturday then?

Two love... Two... Nil. Nil. Two Nil.

Oh, yeah. We smashed them, good and proper.

She talks about football all the time. I do!

Can't shut her up can ya.

Here, on me head!

But anyway, we've got work to do. So if you don't mind?

I'm watching you, Hathaway.

Hathaway knows more than he's letting on.

So what's new?

So he could be harbouring a murder suspect.

Porters didn't shoot anyone. He hasn't got the bottle.

Yeah but he may well have seen it.

And don't forget he's wanted for theft.

Oh Billy Porters is always wanted for theft.

You've got a blind spot.

And it's more than him just being your guvnor.

It's almost like... it's almost like he's got something on you.

I'm gonna let that go because it's been a rough day.

Go home to your wife, Joe.

DS Keeler assistance required at Arden Cemetery please...

My foster mum says the spirits of the dead conceal themselves in the fog so the living can't see them.

And a hooting owl means that somebody's gonna die.

Yeah don't give me any ideas.

You better hope it's still there.

Course it will. Who'd steal somebody's ashes?

Well, according to this our Yorick is somewhere round here.


Lucky for you it's still here.

Now come on, let's get out of here before someone finds us.

Stooped to grave robbing eh Hathaway?

Or are you boys just out here for some al fresco fun?

That's it isn't it Frank.

We're just two blokes who like doing it in cemeteries.

Get off me!

I am retrieving some property for a client of mine.

You can explain it all to me when we go to the station.

Don't do anything stupid.

I see the "pickers and stealers" are out today.

We don't want any trouble.

Let's nobody do anything stupid right. I'm a...

Let's not do anything stupid.

I thought it was a statue.

It was for my foster mum's birthday as soon as I found out it was ashes I put it here dead respectful, like.

You dishonour my family.

Look, as you can see, he's not the brightest tool in the box but he's really sorry aren't you Billy?

My sincere condolences for your loss.

Control to Detective Sergeant Keeler.

Patrols near your location now.

DI Marlowe.

What do you mean he's disappeared?

Arden cemetery?

Yeah OK, I can make an educated guess.

Alright, leave it with me.


You don't by any chance have Frank in custody, do you?


But I'd love to know why you're asking?

He went to the cemetery with Billy Porters and I think something might have happened.

Funny that...

I'm starting to get worried.

OK, don't go anywhere. I'm coming over.

You're not the only one with a missing partner.

I don't suppose you could tell us where we are?

Take that as a "no" then.

Well now what?

We call for help.

Billy, Billy, Billy...

I've got another phone.

A burner I keep it for emergencies.

Oh right. Nice one.

So a known gangster killed Florian Fortes over his mother's ashes?

And it didn't occur to you to call it in?

Yeah, well obviously we were going to tell you once they were safely returned but...

Hello, Luella Shakes... Lu.

Yeah listen. Claude Mortimer shanghaied us in the cemetery.

We're in a transit van. The registration number is...

Uh... HV18 APY.

Is Joe with you?

Oh, Christina. I'm glad you're on the case.

Yeah Joe's here for my sins.

Well where are you?

We're about... half an hour from the cemetery.

Engine noise! Can I track the phone?

No, it's a burner. Can you do cell site analysis?

Yeah, on it.

Listen, don't hang about.

I don't think he's gonna let us off with a warning.

I've gotta go.

Is that the best you can do?

Yeah, I know. OK. Thanks, Rob.

OK, the call was picked up by this mast.

The bad news is, it has an eight mile radius.

Most of it is industrial estate and it's just too wide to send in a search.

What about the audio?

Yeah, it's been outsourced to a private company who are now closed for the night.

What, what are you doing?

Perchance a task for our "long legged spinner?"

Good thinking.

Technical support.

I'm sure they're doing the best they can.

Well, we're not, are we?

I can't, I can't just sit here doing nothing.

Look, we've got a description of the car, we need to get out, start looking.

Great. I'll drive. I'll drive.

No, I'll drive. I'll drive.

No, I'll drive. Why?

Because I've got a blue flashing light and a siren.

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers For he to-day that sheds his blood with me.

Shall be my brother, be he ne'er so vile, this day shall gentle his condition."

Can't you make him stop? It's surprisingly hard.

You'll never get away with this.

"A little water will clear us of this deed."

Bound for Hong Kong via the Pacific.

Do you have any idea how many of these containers fall off the edge of ships every year?

Tens of thousands of these just laying on the sea floor.

Listen, don't do anything you'll regret.

I never regret anything.

He's got a phone.

No, I haven't! He does.

And back up's on it's way.

So, if you got any sense, you let us go now while you have a chance.

If you don't believe him, have a look in his pocket.

Just one thing.

Where exactly is back up on it's way to?

Some industrial estate 30 minutes' drive from the cemetery.

And we ID'd you. Claude Mortimer.

Well, that's where you're mistaken as Claude Mortimer hasn't left the Spanish borders in six months as immigration records will confirm.

Don't worry.

It'll be painless.

Just like falling into a coma.

"To die, to sleep.

To sleep, perchance to dream."

He's got a phone.

In his pocket!

Listen. His kit's all washed and ironed it's in the airing cupboard.

Thanks, Mum.

Love you.

Just um... just tell him I'm sorry.

My son's judo display.

What's his name?


He's five.

Can five year old's be good at judo?

Who knows?

And it looks like now I'll never find out.

His dad's not around then?

No, not really.

He's not what you'd call father material.

He's a difficult man.

Thank goodness for Mothers, eh?

You have met mine?

Emma, hi...

Ah, didn't he tell you? He's on an Ob so his phone's off. listen, when I see him I'll tell him his dinner's in the dog?

You take care now.

Joe's wife. She's pregnant with their first.

They had a scare a few weeks ago. It was touch and go for a while so...

Why did Frank leave the force?

Early retirement.

From the job he loved. Right, yeah, that figures.

Why don't you ask him yourself?

Well, because he's like you he'll never give me a straight answer.

Which makes me think, well, it must have been something really wrong.

And then I think, well that's not the Frank Hathaway that I know.

Or at least I "think" I know.

I mean, what else don't I know about him?

Wives buried under the patio. Offshore accounts in the Cayman's?

Secret off-spring?


Me and...

No? Oh, yeah. No, silly, it was just a... it was an idea.

Then what is it?

What is it that Frank has done that's so bad he can't even tell me, his partner?

Teddie Shrewsbury.

They'll have triangulated the call by now.

It's too wide for a search.

Frank will have a plan. I haven't got a plan, Billy.

He always has a plan.

I haven't got a plan.

He always has a plan. There is no plan Billy.

That was the plan. Call for help.

I'm all planned out!

How long till we freeze to death?

Forty five minutes. Give or take five minutes.

I watched this documentary. "Trapped in a freezer."

About people who got trapped in a freezer.

OK. And how did they get out?

They didn't. Mostly froze to death.

Except this Butcher who battered off the lock using a frozen black pudding.

Give me a break.

Give him a break.

That would be half a good idea, that.

Right... time to get these cuffs off.

I told you he'd have a plan.

Come on.

Teddie was 6 when he was abducted and found murdered.

I had to inform his parents.

The one consolation was we got the scum who did it.

Richard Hurd.

He was a known offender, but... he hadn't killed before Teddie.

Left his DNA all over the place it was an open and shut case.

And the but?

The lab testing the DNA were being investigated for mishandling of samples.

It was an isolated incident but it rendered Hurd's DNA inadmissible in court.

So the S.I.O. ordered a search of Hurd's house.

He told us to tear the place apart in case we'd missed anything.

This is Aragog. Can you confirm your identities?

Luella May Shakespeare.

You've hacked into my radio?


Regarding the big man and his spot of trouble.

Nitty gritty. I isolated the audio.

It isn't machinery noise, it's a light aircraft.

Probably a Cessna Jet Hawk 500.

On a northwards bound landing path to a landing destination approximately... uh... 5km.

How can he possibly know that?

I asked a rocket scientist.

It's all the same theory apparently.

Is there a private airfield in the vicinity?

Roger that. I'm putting a pin in your Sat Nav.

It's police issue, you won't be able to do that.

The audio records the landing gears descending and given the location of the runway the plane passed over the co-ordinates here within... 400 metres.

That's only a couple of miles away.

May the force be with you.

It's just a friend, knows a lot about computers...

This is DI Marlowe requesting back up to the following location.

Even if you do get them off, then what?

At least I'll be able to take a proper swipe at you.

We're going to die in here. Not if Lu finds us.

The ex hairdresser? Yeah, the ex hairdresser who's a better detective than you'll ever be.

Yeah, she only looks like a bimbo.

Eh! Sorry.

And Christina. You got no faith in the boss?

Do you blame me considering her lack of judgement when it comes to you?

Go on, grant me a dying wish.

What's the story with you two?

Dirty dog!

Shut up, Billy. A bent copper drummed out of the force and still she won't have a bad word said against you Lets you run wild.

Come on!

Satisfy my curiosity. You really want to know?


Good looks and magnetic charm. Women find me irresistible.


Your turn!

So, you searched this Richard Hurd's house a second time.


Yeah and we got a result.

One of those toy spinners that kids collect.

It had fallen into the crack in the floorboards so that's why we had missed it the first time.

DNA proved that it belonged to Teddie.

Sometimes. "To do a great right, you have to do a little wrong."

What Frank...

You planted it?

Did he know?

He said "don't be stupid".

"And if you have to be stupid, don't get caught."

Well yeah, that sounds like Frank.

Yeah. Only I was stupid and I did get caught.

Then before I even had a chance to confess Frank went behind my back to the S.I.O and he owned up.


He blamed himself for not stopping me.

And he said; if I hadn't done it then he would have

The irony is neither of us needed to do anything because Hurd was murdered while in prison on remand.

Well, that's something, isn't it?

And because they hadn't forwarded the evidence to the CPS they kept it all internal.

They offered Frank early retirement on "health grounds."

And I got his job.

Frank sacrificed his career for yours?

He said I had a lot more to lose.

Single mum... unemployed with her career in tatters.

They were never going to allow Frank to make it above DI.

They told him he had a "Blatant disregard for authority."

And we both knew, I could toe the line, I could make it.

Of course if you ever repeat this we'll both deny it.

I would have done what you did.

Do you actually think you're gonna break out of here using frozen fish?

It's one more idea than you've had.

It's pointless.

It's not budging.

I'm sorry, Frank.

I guess this is partly my fault.

Partly? It's all your fault!

What ever happened to "I'm never going inside again."

I thought you had a job lined up? Warehouse packer.

What's wrong with that? I didn't mind it.

Quite restful actually.

Just the hours and the money.

End of the month they'd nicked half of it back in "paye."

I'm like... "you're supposed to be paying me? Not the other way round."

P.A.Y.E. Taxes, Billy.

It's a tried and tested method of raising money for government spending.

The government don't need it. They're loaded with money.


I don't know what's worse.

The prospect of death.

Or the prospect of death with the words of a moron ringing in my ears.

Did you have a good childhood, did ya?

Go to a nice school live out in the suburbs.

Go to the Rugby Club on a weekend. Yeah.

What of it? You've got no idea, have ya?

Born without a chance.

He was mewling and puking in a nurse's arms because of heroin addiction from his junkie mother.

Sorry, Billy.

It's alright. It's not like I remember her.

You'd have behavioural difficulties.

Slip through cracks in the care system.

If he hadn't gone to his foster mother I don't think he'd have made adulthood.

Home schooled me.

Said it'd keep me out of trouble.

It did too till I was too old for school.

You got kids?


Small mercies, eh?

At least you'll die without replicating yourself something for which the planet will be eternally grateful.

I've always thought of you as a bit of a father figure, Frank.

Well, that's done a lot of good for you, innit?

Eh, Hathaway!

We'll have to split up.


Frank's been here.

There's thousands of them, they could be anywhere.

It's a good sign we're still shivering.

Means we're still in stage one hypothermia.

It's when you stop you should worry.

Lethargy, confusion... paradoxical undressing.

What? Oh, don't ask.

Your body gets so cold it thinks it's overheating.

Starting with the meat and two veg so the kecks are the first thing to go.

Most likely they'll find us naked from the waist down.

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.

Well, it seems...

I underestimated you.

Stay there!

Where are they?

Habitually, I am a model of patience but I am now finding myself extremely vexed.

What happened to Nan? Where are they?

How many relatives have you got in there?

What is he talking about? I have no idea!

Here's what's going to happen.

Either you tell me where they are or Mercy here will shoot one of you.

Has she even done her GCSEs?

Look, wh... Slow down.

Why don't you tell us what you're talking about?

I'll leave it up to you to choose.

One... two...

No! Ow!

What do you reckon, Frank? "Billy two bricks?"

Ah, you made it!

I'd cuff 'em if I was you.

And him while you're at it.

You're joking, aren't you? I saved your life.

We wouldn't be in this mess if it wasn't for you.

And he's a thief!

Oh, you're all heart.

Oh, she's moved! Ah!

Cuff her!

She's out cold.

Yeah, sorry about that, I thought I saw a little...

Devious little... OK, enough!

Back up's on their way. He won't get far on foot.

Billy swiped my keys.

That's not the worst thing that could have happened.

You know, all things considered.

Uh, I need to call Emma.

Can I borrow your phone? Yeah.


I told her you were on an ob.

Thank you.

Congratulations by the way.

He's expecting his first.

What uh...

What I said back there...

I didn't mean it.

Yeah, you did.

What was that for?


It's just ashes.

Looks like Nan wasn't that precious after all.

What was worth killing for?

Well, looky here.

Did you realise that your Nan had a false bottom?

Oh yeah.

She was awfully heavy even for a dead person so Anthony had a look and well, in the bottom, it was weighted with pebbles.

Pebbles? Yeah.

Yeah, you know, like the ones you get in a pet shop.

Only it was heavy enough so we got rid of them.

No, Anthony, we recycled them.

Gave them to Julius.

And where would we find this Julius?

Uncut diamonds worth 3 million pounds.

Uncle Claude's run away fund. Hidden and untraceable.

Ah ah! Any news on Billy yet?