Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators S2E6 Script

The Offered Fallacy (2019)

Another one bites the dust! Adrian Horner just confessed.

Yes!

Yes, come on...

You either got it or you don't, do you know what I mean?

What is that? From downstairs.

There's a pair of con-artists doing the rounds and, well, I'm busy, so...

Whoa! Can't Tyler do it? I just closed the Cheney case.

You know what Frank Hathaway used to say to me?

Rest on your laurels, and you'll get piles.

Alright, what've we got?

Half a dozen complaints in the last 48 hours.

Everything from time-shares to cures for cancer.

Ugh...

They even promised one poor girl that they'd fake her death in order to get her out of an arranged marriage I mean, if people are stupid enough to fall for that...

then they deserve our sympathy.

Build up a picture of how they're targeting their victims.

I'm in a stats meeting with the boss till 10:30 so see what you can find out by then.

Thank you.


Maybe you got the time wrong?

The message said quarter past nine.

This is definitely the right place?

The instructions were very specific.

They wanted to wait and check if we were being followed.

I don't understand. Why drag us all the way out here and then not show up?

Come on, let's go.

No, we're private investigators.

The Private Dancers Agency is on Overdone Street.

Mm, no problem. Have fun!

"Lord, what fools these mortals be."

Successful?

No. Complete waste of time.

Please tell me our inbox is bursting with juicy new clients.

No e-mails for days.

I have had quite a few people shouting down the phone at me, though.

That's awful! What about?

No idea. I hang up before they get to the gory details.

Oh, Sebastian!

If people are trying to make complaints, shouldn't we have some sort of...

I assume Frank's done something to upset them.

Hey! In the eternal words of Wales' finest poet...

"It's not unusual." Fair point.

Oh, I did get one enquiry.

She called this morning...

Emilia Merchant.

Mm, missing persons case.

Her husband is... missing.

You don't say.

FYI, she did seem a little dotty.

"2B Ornott Street." So, come on.

Oh, can't we have a cuppa first?

No rest for the wicked.

Frank, come on.

Shakespeare and Hath...

Another wild goose chase.

Oh, I hear something.

Hello, Mrs Merchant?

Oh, hello again!

Did you forget something?

Um, we're Shakespeare and Hathaway.

About the missing person?

Have you found him already?

Oh, that were quick!

Oh, no. No, we um...

We need to ask you a few questions first. Oh.

Do you mind if we come in? Oh, yes, certainly, yes.

I'll put kettle on. One Earl Grey, one normal, yes?

Yes. That'd be lovely. Thanks.

Come in.

Oh, has anybody seen my glasses anywhere?

Do you know, I'm as blind as a bat without them.

Yeah, they're just hanging around your neck there...

Just... Oops!

No wonder you're a detective!

Hm, well, that's...

So, um... it's your husband that's missing?

Yeah, that's right, yeah.

Well, it's like I told you.

My Egbert.

When did you last see him?

Oh, um...

haven't we been through all this?

We just have to check that we've got all the details.

Oh, right.

Well, my husband's in the navy.

In the navy? What, still?

Oh, yeah. He's always loved the sea.

Of course, whenever he's away, you know, I get sick with worry.

That's why I'm giving all me money to the lifeboat people.

They do such wonderful work, you know.

Sorry to rush you, Mrs Merchant, but... Are you in 'ere, Mum?

Oh, hello, Ian. He's my son.

Who are they?

Oh, they're here to help me find your father.

Right! Out, the pair of you.

Hold your horses, mate.

We're only here cos... You should be ashamed of yourselves taking advantage of a vulnerable old woman!

Who you calling old?

I think we should go. Yeah, off you pop.

Yeah, thanks for the tea. Thank you.

And the biscuits. Yes.

I was telling the truth there, I genuinely...

I wish I'd stayed in bed.

Frank!

You still owe me from the priory job, Frank!

Cash-in-hand, you said! Frank!

Fine! I'll just crash your server until you pay me!

The works, please, Adie.

Yeah, twice, thanks.

Oh, hello, Spider! How goes it in the Matrix?

Oh...

For that data crunching you did for me. Sorry it's a bit late.

Thanks.

You OK?

You need to cut down on those all-night gaming sessions, you do.

I think you might be right.

Hm... there must be another explanation.

The descriptions match.

We've had two more cases in this morning. I'm not buying it.

Frank wouldn't just... Look at the evidence.

I am as surprised as you are, but...

I think we've gotta bring 'em in.

Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?

If you would just let me finish!

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Shakespeare and Hathaway.

There they are!

They've locked the door! The door's locked!

Where have they gone?

It appears they have a prior appointment.

What was all that about?

I don't know, but experience tells me not to hang around to find out.

Hi, Frank. Christina. Social call, is it?

No. We've got some questions.

What about? You know... Fraud. Burglary.

Impersonating a police officer. Animal cruelty.

Yeah, we had reports that you kicked a Chihuahua earlier today.

What? That's ridiculous!

He's been with me all morning. That's why you're coming with us, too.

What! We're not going anywhere.

This is a wind-up, right? I don't know what you're up to, Frank but you've gone too far this time. Now get in.

What? Oh, OK then.

No, not that side! Nice car.

You can't even drive, mate. Get out!

Alright, easy! Stop embarrassing yourself, man.

You've got something on your top lip there... Just get in the car.


Dr Pinch? Good morning!

We're Shakespeare and Hathaway.

Oh, come in.

We've multiple reports of two suspects fitting your descriptions committing various crimes around Stratford.

So far, we've identified criminal proceeds of just over £30,000 including one single payment of £15,000 from Mrs Emilia Merchant.

Fifteen grand?

She told our officers that you stood over her while she called the bank to make the transfer.

Apparently, the payment was to track down... Her missing husband.

So you don't deny it? Well, we went there, yeah.

But... A quick online search would have shown you that Mrs Merchant's husband died 30 years ago.

Ah...

But she didn't give us any money.

You know, cos her son kicked us out.

So why do we have bank records showing the money being sent from her account to yours at 9:15 this morning?

Nine-fifteen? Ha!

We were at the picnic site at Solinus Woods.

We were meeting a client there, so it can't have been us.

What's the name of the client?

Well, they didn't give their name.

We were just supposed to meet them there.

They were paranoid about our communications being intercepted.

I mean, they didn't turn up anyway, so...

So you don't actually have an alibi?

Well... no, but... if Mrs Merchant put a few grand in our account by mistake then can't we just transfer it back, no harm done?

Bit of a problem. All of your other victims paid into your account as well.

And we have this...

For the benefit of the tape, we're showing Mr Hathaway CCTV footage taken earlier today at the Arden Bank.

We don't just have a smoking gun we have a video of you firing it.

I don't understand, I'm...

Recognise the person on the footage?

Well, yeah. It's Frank.

But it's... Thank you.

It's not me! I'm being set up.

And as for Emelia, well, she's hardly compos mentis.

You mean she's the type of vulnerable individual often targeted by fraudsters?

We also have reports of blackmail.

It's alleged you claimed to have compromising photographs of a prominent member of the town council.

Politicians, eh?

Dread to think what he's been up to.

Blackmail is a serious criminal offence, Ms Shakespeare.

It carries a maximum sentence of 14 years imprisonment.

But... it wasn't us.

You need to start telling us the truth.

Why did you do it? We didn't.

Put yourself in my shoes. The evidence says you're lying.

Come on, Christina, it's me you're talking to.

I think you should call me DI Marlowe for the time being.

I think it might have been her.

See?

Oh, no, wait.

No, her.

Definitely her.

I remember she'd got beautiful eyes.

She's hardly the most reliable witness, is she?

Whatever you say, Detective Inspector.

And it doesn't prove that Frank was involved, so... let's just keep an open mind.

Mm-hmm.

Him.

He was the one who came into the bank.

Don't say it.

This day just keeps getting better and better.

Give me a minute, Anne.

Thanks.

Come to gloat, have you? To give you a chance.

Right, just tell me off the record.

What's going on?

Someone's setting me up. We've got half a dozen witnesses we've got you on CCTV.

Now, just tell me the truth.

Where's the 30 grand?

Let me go and I'll find out.

You know I can't do that.

Don't do this, Christina.

You've left me no choice, Frank.


Oh, morning!

They let you out then?

Sorry, I thought... It's fine.

I still think you should talk to a solicitor, Frank.

I don't need one. I know the drill.

OK. Your funeral.

Um... being less familiar with the drill.

How does this whole "bail" thing work?

Well, you turn up at the Magistrate's Court on the date given.

Meanwhile, sit tight and don't do anything stupid.

Did you get any sleep?

With that man singing next door, are you joking?

I thought he was quite good.

Reminded me of Engelbert Humperdinck.

Fancy something to eat? Yes. I need to do my hair, though.

Bit of black pudding, big flat mushroom...

Oh, you are a sight for sore eyes.

I mean that literally cos I've been awake all night and I feel like I've got conjunctivitis.

I need to show you something.

Oh, that looks like you, Frank.

And look at her! What?

Well, she could be your twin.

She looks nothing like me!

There is a passing resemblance. Where?

The point is, these two must be behind the cons.

We should tell Marlowe. No, no, no.

If the police start sniffing around these two will do a runner, then we're back to square one.

Let's find them first.

You don't think there's even the tiniest... Not remotely, no.

OK. Rude.

Oi!

That's just the start.

Until my mum gets her money back, I'm gonna make your lives hell.

No offence, mate, but your mother is clearly a few bourbons short of a family selection box.

Say that again!

No offence, mate, but your mother... You are...

We will make sure that your mother gets every penny of her money back.

Won't we, Frank?

Yes, we will.

Well, I tell you what, you've got till end of day or I'm phoning the local rag to tell 'em what you've been up to and then no one in Stratford's gonna touch this agency with a bargepole.

Alright?

Have a great day.

You said you wanted to raise our media profile.

Sebastian, see if you can get that off.

Why me?

Because we're going to the bank to see why they would give an impostor 30 grand from our account.

Ms Goldsmith, your ten o'clocks are here. Thank you.

Hello. Hello.

Well, if it isn't Lu Shakespeare.

Hello, Angela.

You two know each other?

Oh, yes. Yes.

Angela was, um... used to be a client at the salon.

I heard you'd changed careers. Probably best.

The police have asked us to suspend your account.

Proceeds of crime, and all that.

Oh, right.

Because, actually, you're the one who's done something wrong.

The man you gave the 30 grand to was an impostor.

No, it was you.

No, it was him.

Well... it's not my fault!

I mean, there's a strong resemblance. What?

And he had ID, knew all the security details.

We even had an email from the address registered to the account informing us you'd be in to withdraw the money.

For the purchase of a new company car, I believe.

Have you still got the email? Yes.

There.

That is from our address.

Well, how have they...?

We've been hacked, haven't we?

And if someone's messing around on the web I know just the creature to catch them.

Yep, someone's definitely been rummaging through your undies drawer.

Well, can you find out who? I'm on it, big man. Bear with me.

So what's the score with you and Angela then?

Oh, it's nothing.

Oh, I just... I did her hair once for her sister's wedding.

Just a trim and highlights and...

We always recommend that you do a patch test first but she didn't have time, so...

I'm guessing she didn't like the colour then?

It was more an issue with having a great, big swollen head.

It was just... an allergic reaction.

Got ya! Oh!

Yeah, your e-mails are being diverted to another account.

So any new enquiries are going...?

Well, they'd get a nice message back from your impostors, but... once someone's in your email, it's easy to reset passwords and get hold of personal data.

Well, stop them. Hold on.

So if we got an email now, it'd still be diverted?

Oh, it's simple to fix. No, don't.

I want you to set up a fake email account.

Something corporate-sounding.

And then send a message to our address asking for help with a case.

Say money's no object.

Then get them/us to call this number.

Oh, so the impostors call up thinking, "Oh, easy money" and then...

We get a head-to-head. This is very clever.

Except they have been studying us enough to steal our identities.

Surely they're gonna recognise our voices?

Sorry that took a while.

Circe's Cup has closed down.

I am inconsolable! Their frappuccinos were...

What?

Maybe they're having the afternoon off? Hm.

Or they got suspicious, realised it was a trap.

Hm.

Right.

I found this in the air vent of your car.

They bugged my car?

Explains how they know so much about us.

I... I actually feel quite violated.

What?

Really?

No sliver of irony in there at all?

Hm.

Why don't we take it to the Mucky Mallard?

It being a mobile and all.

Oh!

Ooh!

Well, answer it then!

I'm just getting into character.

You're not going on-stage at the National! Come on.

No respect for the craft, some people.

Ahem, dude, yeah, totally...

Nick Molina here.

Totally, yeah, I was hoping you'd call.

Uh...

Let's meet up. I'll bring you guys up to speed.

No. Not at the office. Somebody might be listening in.

I know a place...

So, you just need to try and keep them talking.

We need to prove that they've been using our identities.

Good luck.

Right, so...

Usual video cameras, eh?

And these have bone-conduction speakers in the temples in case you need a prompt. I have never required a prompt in my life.

Sebastian... Not even when Freddy...

We're on.

Our new app launches next month tells you where to find the best snow conditions in every top ski resort in the world and where the hottest bars are to kick back afterward.

So what d'you need us for?

I don't sound like that. Shh!

I'm hearing whispers that someone in my team is trying to sell our data platform to a competitor.

You've come to the right place, love.

We can sniff out all sorts of dirty, little secrets.

But first I'll need to take down your particulars.

Listen to her. What a tramp!

What specifically can you do?

We'll do a forensic analysis of all your employees' personal devices.

Check for suspicious activity.

Yeah, like it's that simple!

We could go undercover.

Shameless. She's shameless.

Shameless, yeah. - Before we go on... let's discuss terms.

Specifically, our front-loaded fee schedule.

Excuse me? - Ten grand. Cash.

Ten thousand! What?

Will you two please be quiet?

Sorry. Sorry!

Sorry. I have this horrible headache, and...

Perhaps we should reschedule for when you're feeling better? - No need.

Actually, we've got another appointment so...

Come on, let's go. I can get you the money.

Great! We'll call you.

Good luck!

Hey, my ice-cream!

You'll regret that!

I would never do that.


Give it up! Please!

Alright. Alright, you win.

Don't even think about it!

You come back here, you...!

Should we stop them?

Get off me, you stupid woman!

Don't you call me stupid!

I would just keep out of it.

Mind the hair, mind the hair! Ow!

Ooh...

I think you broke my watch.

Whose fault is that?

So what now?

Well, you can start by telling us who you are and why you keep pretending to be us.

I'm Phil. This is Roamy.

We both do a bit of work as extras. You know, films and that.

I got this message via my agency.

At first I thought it was just a normal gig, but when I replied they offered me a few grand if I agreed to... you know.

If not... they were gonna show my internet search history to my wife.

And that would be bad, would it?

My online interests are a little niche.

And, er, what about you?

Same.

Except they said to me that they'd tell my employers about my hobby and I work as an IT teacher, so...

Hobby?

Oh! Right...

Right, so they just asked you to go round town pretending to be us and conning people?

No, they're very specific.

We get an email at nine each morning telling us what to do who to target, everything.

Who from?

Well, they never gave a name.

Why would anyone go to the lengths of finding two look-a-likes and then blackmailing them to set us up?

Revenge. Money?

You don't last long in this business without making a few enemies.

So, we, uh... go to the police, yeah?

Please don't. No.

We didn't mean any harm. You didn't mean any harm?

You kicked a Chihuahua! It was biting my ankles.

Look, maybe we can help you fix this? No.

No, I think it's too late, I... Hang on.

Hang on.

What if they're telling the truth?

If they suddenly go off the radar, the real culprit will know we're onto them.

Might disappear.

But we're on bail.

Which is why we need to find out who's doing this to us.

So what do we do?

We use our friends here to smoke out the mastermind.

What happened to the 30 grand?

What should I do with it? Put it in this.

And no funny business, remember.

I've got the police on speed-dial.

Really? Would it not be quicker just to put 999? It's a figure of speech.

One thing I wanna know.

These clothes, where'd you get them? Cos you look exactly like Lu.

No, she doesn't.

They sent us photographs, video clips, voice recordings, the lot.

Wow, someone really did their homework, didn't they?

Yeah, and now it's time for detention.

It's not your best.

Whatever, let's go.

So, you make the drop and then go back to the hotel with Sebastian and wait for our instructions.

Speaking of which, where is... Howdy!

Oh! I thought I told you to blend in.

In Stratford-upon-Avon?

Dressed like this, I'm invisible!

Right, so we're gonna stake out the locker until the culprit comes to take the cash and then we'll pounce, OK?

For the police in case you feel like doing a runner. Don't think we won't find you.

So make the drop, and straight back to the hotel.

Exactly.

Stay with them. Don't let them out of your sight.

Yes, sir.

I'm nervous. What if we mess it up?

Oh, you'll be fine. Just be yourselves.

Well, be us... but be... be yourselves being us and then... You should be a motivational speaker.

Right, cover me, we don't want anyone seeing the combination.

Good point.

There.

Great, let's get out of here.

Woah!

What have I told you? What's the first rule of a stake-out?

No farting?

No egg and no fish.

You know, we're stuck here in a confined space for an indeterminate amount of time.

Sorry.

Go on then.

Mm. Mm.

Oh... typical!

They'll move on in a minute.

It might be too late by then. Come on.

That's the one.

Follow me, lots of pictures to take.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry, thanks.

It's gone.

Great! And we still don't know who's been trying to ruin our lives.

Rule number two of a stake-out.

Always have a Plan B.

I put a tracker tag in the bag with the swag.

Ha! You are great.

That's clever.

Isn't this Emilia Merchant's house? It is, yeah.

I don't understand... why would she steal her own money?

It's only half hers, remember?

Still, she didn't seem like some kind of master-criminal.

Hang on.

Of course!

The son!

He can't have been too happy about his inheritance going to the lifeboats.

I think it's time we called Marlowe.

Well?

"Well" what?

Well, aren't you gonna arrest him? For what?

We searched the house. There's no money.

Well, he must've hidden it.

Mr Merchant received a message saying the money stolen from his mother was in the locker.

Instead, all he found was a Bible.

Well, he's lying!

Because he blackmailed these two into pretending to be us and go round doing all these cons. Frank!

You must think I was born yesterday.

Well, no offence, but I actually don't. Frank!

I think you look really great.

You know, for your age.

I hear you spoke to Angela Goldsmith at the bank?

Now, I told you not to do anything stupid and you go interfering with witnesses.

Well, I...

And so where are these two mystery doppelgangers then?

Oh, right, well, they're... They gave us the slip.

OK, look. I'll put out a circulation for anyone who looks like you.

In the meantime, go home and behave.

Or you'll end up on remand.

No! No, because the police are looking for them.

So you've got to keep them out of sight.

Yeah, right. And they're paying, are they?

Oh... well, get room service then.

OK, bye.

Everything alright? Yeah.

Sebastian wanted to take Phil and Roamy to The Centaur Tavern for breakfast.

The Centaur?

Wouldn't catch me eating in there.

According to their last health inspection, their sausages are 50% horse.

Really? That is disgusting.

How can they... No, not really, it's a joke.

Oh. You know, horse, centaur...

Right, whoever has done this has gone to extraordinary lengths to set us up, haven't they? Well, 30 grand's a lot of money.

Yeah, but there must have been easier cons.

True.

This has got to be about revenge.

Yeah, so we need to work out who would go to this much trouble to get back at you.

Hang on!

Why does it always have to be me that people have a problem with?

You do tend to have that effect on people, Frank.

Oh, charming.

Let's keep an open mind, shall we?

I tell you what.

Why don't you think of all the people you've upset over the years and I'll do the same.

OK, but I do think I will be finished long before you.

What?

Angela Goldsmith.

What, the woman at the bank?

Yeah, she had access to all our personal information all our account details.

She could've set the whole thing up.

What, she'd do all that because of a dodgy haircut?

Some people take their hair really seriously, Frank. I mean...

I once had an assistant who had death threats for months because she messed up a client's fringe.

Yeah, we need to speak to Angela again. She's already snitched to Marlowe once.

We need proof.

Right, so...

Phil said that they were getting emails every morning at 9am.

Angela must have been sending them from work.

I've got an idea.

But it involves you taking over babysitting duties from Sebastian.

Hello, Spider? I need your help.

Tristan Syracuse.

We spoke on the phone.

Yes.

Take a seat, Mr Syracuse.

So you're looking for a loan?

I have a small start-up.

Fashion, obviously.

I need fabric for the new collection.

OK. I'll need to take some details.

Oh, excuse me one moment.

Angela Goldsmith speaking.

Outside now?

Can't you sign for it?

Very well.

I'm so sorry, apparently there's a delivery for me.

I'll be one minute.


Aha, I'm in.

Check her outgoing e-mails.

I'm already on it.

Anything?

Er... no.

Not unless she's sending your body-double messages about data protection compliance.

What about her personal account?

I don't think it's her.

Give me a moment. I just wanna try something.

Try what?

I just wanna see if I can disable the bank's alarm system from here.

Spider!

What? Only out of curiosity!

Wait, I'm outside!

So that's a no. Sorry!

Spider. Spider!

Thanks for dropping him back.

Yeah, well.

I thought it was a good opportunity to get his employer's side of the story.

Or is it just a coincidence that he happened to be at the bank during a major security breach?

I dunno what you mean.

Sebastian was simply on a personal errand.

Don't you mean "Tristan"?

You know what he's like.

He sometimes struggles to hold onto reality.

Last warning, or I will bring you back in.

As for you... the next time Frank wants your help with one of his idiotic schemes, tell him where to go.

Or you'll find yourself the star turn in the inmate's annual panto at Long Lartin nick!

Do you happen to know if they pay equity minimum?

You OK?

Any idea what happens to people as beautiful as me in prison?

They only asked you a couple of questions, it's hardly The Shawshank Redemption.

Listen, I want you to go to the hotel and take over from Lu.

Don't you think I deserve the rest of the day off?

Hm, let me think... No.

OK. Let's go from the beginning.

You need to find two people as devilishly attractive as us to help with your evil plan...

Phil mentioned a casting agents, didn't he?

Can we find out which one they're with?

Bingo!

Normally Sebastian that does this sort of thing, isn't it?

Just dial. Yeah, I'm getting nervous.

Bill's Players.

Yeah, hello, um, hi.

I am with S&H Pictures.

And one of your performers was in our latest film.

- His name? Yeah, Phil Sirkin.

- Oh, Phil Sirkin? That's right, um only, I've, um...

I've got a rather large BACS payment that I'd like to send over to you but I just need to know who made the booking cos my paperwork's in a bit of a mess.

Yeah.

When would that have been?

Uh, well, it will have been... Last couple of weeks.

Over the last couple of weeks and in Stratford.

OK, I'll take a look.

OK. Thank you.

She's having a look.

- Hello? Hi.

- Lucy Nell. Lucy Nell.

OK, great, yes, well, I'll process that straight away.

Thanks very much. Thank you, bye.

Who on Earth is Lucy Nell?

It's probably a made-up name.

Yeah, it does ring a bell though...

I'm so stupid.

The Bible!

Are you having some sort of divine revelation?

Yes!

What is it?

A couple of years ago, I was on a surveillance case.

Client thought her husband was having an affair with one Lucy Nell.

Rightly, as it turned out.

Hang on a minute.

Isn't that...?

Will I see you again, Frank?

Doll, I'll be home before you know it.

Where is she?

Who?

Oh, Roamy? She went to meet you, like you said.

Like who said? Like you said.

She showed me the text message.

You had some lead and you needed her back at the drop-point.

Don't you think we would've called you directly?

I take it that message wasn't from you, then?

No.

Now that I think about it, it did seem strange that she took her suitcase with her.

My bad.

So, Roamy's done a runner and left me to carry the can?

Roamy was never here. This is Roamy Cusack.

The person you've been hanging around with is called Lucy Nell.

She planned everything and now she's got the 30 grand.

But we put the 30 grand in the locker.

No.

You put a Gideon Bible in the locker.

She must've switched them round when we weren't looking.

How long ago did she leave?

About half an hour.

Oh, she could be anywhere! What was your reg number?

I don't know, it was a hire.

But she wouldn't be driving anyway. Why not?

Cos she can't drive.

Not a perfect match then. Hang on.

She's on foot.

We might still catch her.

See, the thing is, the alert was for two people who look like us not actually us.

I mean, it's an easy mistake to make.

Yeah, I mean, if you call DI Marlowe, she'll explain everything.

Only if you could do that quickly that'd be great cos we're kind of in the middle of something.

Yeah. Thanks.

2943 to control, over.

Lucy!

So you finally realised who I am?

Look, don't you think you've taken this too far?

You destroyed my life!

Well, to be fair, you were the one that was having an affair with a married man.

We were in love.

And thanks to you, his wife threatened to stop him ever seeing his kids again unless he dumped me.

And because I taught at the school that his kids went to she persuaded the governors to have me fired.

And then she went online, spreading lies about me making sure no one would ever give me a job.

I lost the man I love.

My career, my reputation, everything. For what?

So you could make a bit of cash.

So now you want to trash my reputation in return?

An eye for an eye.

You deserve it.

All those grubby photos you took of me and you didn't even recognise me.

See, I knew it was you that had upset somebody.

It wasn't all about revenge.

I need the money, seeing as I'm unemployed.

Er, one thing that's been bothering me.

It must've been hard enough to find someone who looked like me.

How did you know you could blackmail him?

He's a middle-aged, out-of-work actor.

Show me one who doesn't have a shed-load of debt and a dodgy internet search history.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a train to catch.

Woah, woah! You don't think we're gonna just let you go away scot-free?

I've seen inside your computer, remember?

Every corner you've ever cut every law you've ever broken I'll make sure the police find out.

Frank Hathaway, cut corners? Who'd have thought?

No, they're making it up, I haven't done anything.

Woah, woah, woah!

That's 30,000 reasons not to believe you.

You're going to prison.

What about him? He's the real criminal!

Frank? Nah, he's just an idiot.

Uh, Joseph!

Joseph. Another case solved, eh?

Do you need any tips? No.

Well, I thought I could educate you with my wisdom and my intelligence.

No?

You're unnervingly quiet.

Yeah, just...

I dunno, maybe she's right to be angry.

Cos she wasn't the one that was married and yet it's her life that's been trashed.

Why d'you think I don't take extra-maritals anymore?

Thought you said it was a waste of your talents?

Too much collateral damage.

Ah, see, I knew you were a big softy.

What?

Hang on, hang on.

Before you have a pop... we're just here to let your mother know the money's been transferred back into her bank account.

Who is it, Ian?

Oh, have you found my Egbert?

No, I'm sorry, Mrs Merchant, but...

He's, um... Abroad.

Somewhere. Yeah, and... unfortunately we don't do international investigations so we've returned the money and I'm sure you'll see him again one day.

Oh, do you know, I hope so.

Thank you so much for trying.

It's my pleasure. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Here, Mum. Let's get you back in the warm, shall we, eh?

I'll be in, in a minute.

It must be kinder to tell her the truth?

Oh, I've tried. She won't hear it.

There must be some way you can... Oh, you sound like me brother.

He disappears months on end and then he shows up and... tries to lecture me about how to look after her.

Y'alright, Dave?

Yeah, I'm sure you know best.

So, we're sorry again for any inconvenience.

Water under the bridge.

And if you ever need a PI...

Don't push it. Fair enough.

Here, Dave! You fancy a brew?

Oh, yeah. I'd love one!

I'm glad that's sorted.

I'm not sure this town's big enough for two Frank Hathaways.

Not sure it's big enough for one. Oi!

Ay!