Shakespeare & Hathaway: Private Investigators S3E10 Script

Teach Me, Dear Creature (2020)

"To die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream."

You OK?

It's Hamlet. Oh.

The greatest part ever written.

At a theatre I will never perform in for a company who don't even know I exist.

Oh... cheer up, Seb.

You never know what's round the corner.


Though somehow I doubt it's playing Hamlet for the Royal Shakespeare Company.

Is that Rory Harrison?


I literally love him.

He was at RADA with me.


No way, really?

Oh my God! Seb, that's amazing.

Well, yes and no. Seb!

No way!

How are you doing, buddy?



A surprise.

What's this? A revival of Day o f th e Triffids?

Oh, no...

No, no, we're just trying to brighten up our office cos it's been really...

Oh, right. You haven't given up acting, I hope?

No! God, no.

It's just a temporary...

He's only been here three years.

Yes, and I'm still auditioning and...

Hey, well, you've gotta pay the rent somehow, right?

So, this is... I mean... This must be exciting?

Yeah, yeah.

I, uh, I really just needed to do a play.

You know? LA can get a bit crazy sometimes.

Oh, I know. I mean, I don't.

I don't know.

But I can imagine. Mr Harrison?

Yeah, coming. Sure.

Look, let's go for a pint.

You can show me where the real locals drink around here, eh?

I would absolutely love that. You still on the same number?

No change there. Great.

It was lovely to meet you.

You're lovely too. I mean, yes, lovely!




A real actor.


I can't believe this has happened.

Mum, this cake is just amazing.

Yeah, well, you're amazing, darling.

Mwah! Happy birthday.

That's lovely.

Thank you.

So you don't forget about me at Oxford. As if.

I'm gonna be on the phone to you every five minutes.

You feeling inspired, Charlie?

Where were you after school, by the way?

At Arthur's.

Taking drugs and looking at porn.

We were playing on the computer.

His mum will confirm that, will she?


Why do you always think the worst of me?

Do you know what else I loved him in?

I loved him in that one with Jennifer... What's-her-name?

What is her name?

Er... You know, with the balloons?

Brilliant, that one.

Hey, your mate smashed it.

Oh. Well done, Rory.

You kept that claim to fame quiet, didn't you?

I can't think why.

So, go on then, was he, like, totally amazing while you were at RADA?

He was very good and he worked very hard.

But I never felt he was that much better than me.

How wrong I was.

Well, I mean, all it takes is one audition, doesn't it, you know?

So, go on then, you must have some really juicy Rory Harrison gossip.

Come on, you must have some great stories.

I do.

But I'd rather not share them.

Why not?

Well, he was actually my friend.

Hello. Can we help you?

I hope so.

I need you to find out if my son's a criminal.

Sixteen is a tough age for boys, I get that.

And Charlie's dad and I are divorced which must make it harder but lately he's been acting really secretive.

What's this?

Oh, it's amazing.

You get to see where your kids are.

Who they're talking to, what they're looking at online.

It's like CCTV for mums.

It's a very scary world out there.

They look just like you. I know.

So, I'm giving you full access.

Including the archive.

I just hope you professionals can work out what he's up to.

Are you sure you're happy letting us watch your son like this?

I'll do whatever it takes to stop him screwing up his future.

He won't get into Oxbridge with a criminal record, will he?

Not even the Stasi had this much control.

I know loads of mums who spy on their kids like this.

My parents had no idea where I was most of the time.

Probably for the best, given the things I got up to.

Well, there's no sign of a life of crime so far.

If he's savvy, he'll have changed his settings.

If the kid thinks the police can find stuff, so can we.


Girlfriend maybe? Yeah.

Well, if it is, she's not making him very happy, is she?

We need to find this Cassie.

What's Syracuse?

Syracuse Tuition Centre.

"A grade busting tutoring hub with a proven track record of improving GCSE and A-Level results."

Classes evenings and weekends.

Oh, poor kids.

It's Rory.


Hello, buddy.

What happened?


Got home after the show last night and my landlady made a drunken lunge at me.

Oh. Oh, no.

Yeah. Part of me admires her fighting spirit.

She turned 60 last week.

Alas, no, I am out of there.

Mm, that's... eugh.

So normally when this happens, I just check myself into a hotel but I don't know, I just...

I really fancy staying somewhere... normal.

You want to crash with me?

What do you say? Be like old times.


Popular place.

This summer, every maths student at Syracuse got A* in their A-Levels. "Got A* in their A-Levels."

Says on there. Oh.


D'you know, Charlie's sister did maths here. Now she's going to Oxford.

Yeah, I think our Charlie is expected to follow suit.

Come on, let's find his teacher.

Have you got your book? Comedy of Errors.

Got it from the charity shop.

What's Charlie's teacher called again? Ms Dorcas.

Sounds absolutely terrifying.

I only asked you the question. Amit!


That's the genius maths teacher.

I know. Oh.

Come in.

Ah. Ms Dorcas?


Hi there. Um, we found this.

We just assumed that Cassie was one of your English students.

Well, as far as I know, there's only one Cassie in this school and that's me.

You? You?


Cassandra Dorcas.

This is a very funny play but it's not my copy.

Thank you though.

Was there anything else?

It's just I've got a class arriving in a moment.

Yes. Yes, it's, erm...

It's about our children. Isn't it, Brian?

Yes, Barbara.

Our four... We've got two...

Well, two.

Of each. Twins.

Two sets of twins.

Oh, OK.

Yeah, and the thing is that they are very bright, aren't they, Brian?

Oh, yes. Um...

But we just think that they could do with a little bit more...

English tuition. Discipline... tuition.

Right. Well, how old are they?

Oh, they're GCSE.



All of them?


So they're quadruplets?


I mean, frankly, I just don't know how we've coped.

Well, I'm afraid my GCSE class is full at the moment. I'm so sorry.

Which is why we were wondering, do you ever let parents into the classes?

Yes, because that would be really useful actually, wouldn't it?

Just to gauge the level.

I mean, we will be as quiet as mice, won't we, Babs?


I'm afraid that's against the rules.

OK, so if there's nothing else...

It's supposed to be brilliant, that, by the way.

Yes, I'm seeing it tonight. Love Rory Harrison.

Ooh, the younger man, eh?

Just think he's a good actor. Come on in!

Yeah, we, um... we know him, actually.

Really? Yeah.


Well, it was nice to meet you. Oh, right, yes.

You too. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Enjoy the show.


Thanks, mate. I really appreciate this...

Not much bigger than our student flat.

Yeah, and just as tidy.

Ah, happy days. Stage combat award.

Second place.

Who came first?

You did.

Did I?

So, tell me about the job then.

Well, it's, um, with a private detective agency.


Yeah, it's actually quite interesting.

That's great. Are they're OK about giving you time off for auditions?

Yep, I had one a few weeks ago and...

That was all fine. Huh. That's great.

Bathroom through here?

That's the one.

"Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt thaw and resolve itself into a dew..."

"Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd His canon 'gainst self-slaughter."

I played Hamlet in our final year.

Everybody said it was the best thing I did there.

Yeah, I bet you were amazing.

Well, we want you to bring Hamlet into this case.



Yeah, basically, as pretend parents we're never gonna get close enough to Cassie Dorcas and Charlie to find out what's been going on between the two of them.

But Rory Harrison could.

Yeah. Cos she is, like, a massive fan.

You want Rory to lower himself to help with our investigation?

Darlings, hell will freeze over first.

Hang on.

You're doing him a massive favour here, you're giving him a roof over his head.


And what about all those skeletons in his closet?

Lu Shakespeare, you are a terrible person!

Yeah, I am a bit naughty.

I normally spend my days off avoiding fans.

Well, if you want the world to know about that Danish fungal cream advert?


I thought you made a very fetching antibody.

That's her.

You sure? Mm-hm.


Oh, my goodness!

Rory Harrison.

Great to meet you. Hello!

Er... wow!

This is Andrew Ticklebus, my publicity agent.

Hello, we gather you came to see the show last night.

Yes, I loved it!

You were amazing.

That's so kind. Thank you.

So, Cassie, sorry for just turning up like this but my friends Barbara and Brian mentioned meeting you yesterday.

Oh. Right.

I was hoping we could kind of have a little chat.

You see, after Hamlet, I'm doing this feature and it's set in a tuition centre just like this one.

Oh, wow!

It's a cracking plot.

It's about a teacher who has an affair with one of her pupils.

Mm. Interesting.

Of course, that would never happen here.

Are you sure?

Cos, frankly, if you were my teacher...

No way!

Aren't you...? Uh, yes, yes, he is.

Hey, that one about that hen party? You were hilarious, man.

Thanks. I'm Amit.

Though everyone calls me Rammy.

After Ramanujan, the famous mathematician.

OK, well, hi, Rammy.

Amit's an excellent actor too.

It's amazing what he gets away with.

My colleague's just bitter.

Before I came along, people thought she was quite a good teacher.

Well, it's great to meet you.

Keep up the good work.

Friendly guy.

Oh, look. Obviously, I would love to help you. Um...

How about...

OK, erm...

Why don't you come to my house a bit later for a cup of tea?

I've got an appointment right now that I just can't cancel.

Sure, yeah, later?

Uh, two-ish?

Perfect! OK.



Here's my address.

Amazing, and, er, thank you.

I'll see you later.

Strong work.

"Come not between the dragon and her wrath."

Classic gender conflict.

He's younger, more successful, and crucially male.

I reckon there might be a bit more to it than that.

Reading people.

That's what this boils down to, isn't it? Yes, it's a big part of it.

So after three years, you should be pretty good at it.

Oh, you think I'm wasting my time.

No, I didn't say that.

God, Rory, do you think I'm choosing to do this?

Do you not think I'd rather be playing Hamlet at the RSC and being adored by the entire world?

I don't know, cos to me, mate, you seem pretty settled.

This is not my life.

Right, that's it, I'm off.

Crèm e S va mp e.


Danish for Fungal cream. Oh...

Rory, wait here a sec. OK?


Seb? You don't want to see this.

Don't patronise me.

Tea's still warm.

What's that?


What's happened to her? I think she's dead.

But... but...

Ambulance and police please.

What's that sort of smoky smell?

I don't know, death?

Um, yes, a woman has been stabbed in her home and I'm not getting a pulse.

It's Number 2 King Edward Close.

Oh, dear God!

They've come back for us!

Get back! Detective Sergeant?

What the hell?

That was... How did...

I saw the blood on the door handle.

Is he police? Yes, I'm police.

Oh, thank God. You saved us... Do not touch me.

So, how did Keeler get there so fast?

Turns out Cassie reported a fraud a couple of hours ago but Keeler got delayed on another case.

He's delighted, obviously.

What was the fraud?

She didn't give any details.

Looks like she knew her killer though.

She was having a cup of tea with them.

Lover's tiff, maybe?


Maybe she dumped him.

He couldn't deal with it.

I mean, he's a kid after all.

Or maybe he threatened to report her so she attacked him, and then he did it in self-defence.

Um, in case it's relevant Cassie and that maths teacher did not seem to get on.

Yeah, Amit Azim? Mm-hm.

We found those two having a bit of an argument yesterday, didn't we?

Well, they were still at it about two hours ago, so...

Perhaps I should go and have a word with him.

Sebastian? I better go. Bye.

Hello, Viola.

Are you OK? I'm fine.

My friend, not so much.

Is that...? Yes, it is.

The suave and fearless Rory Harrison.

"Something is rotten in the state of Denmark."

I need to go. Where?

Meeting with the director.

OK, lovely. I'll walk you back.

Hey, can that spy app tell us where Charlie was this afternoon?

He turned his phone off. There's no GPS signal.

I'll go and see if he's at home and then I'll come and find you.

Sounds like a plan.

Syracuse called me. I can't believe it.

She taught Isabella too.

Such a lovely woman.

How are the kids taking it?

Charlie's upstairs. Very quiet.

Isabella's babysitting.

I don't suppose I could have a quick word with Charlie, could I?


Charlie! Down here, please.

So, he's been home all afternoon, has he?

Oh, I don't know. I've been out shopping.

Why? Oh, no reason, just...

Please don't tell me he's involved in all this?

Uh, Charlie.

This is Lu. She's a detective.

She wants to talk to you about Ms Dorcas.

Shall I leave you? Do you mind?


So, hi, Charlie.

Right, the first thing I should say is that I'm not the police.

But I do know that you, erm...

You and Ms Dorcas had been in contact outside of the classroom.

And I also know that the police will find that out eventually and they're gonna wanna ask you questions about your relationship.

It's nothing to be ashamed of.

We've all had crushes on the wrong people, haven't we?

I've had loads.

But, as a teacher she was definitely in the wrong.

What are you talking about?

Your relationship with Ms Dorcas?

No, it wasn't anything like that.

Oh, alright. Oh, OK, sorry.

What was it then?

What's going on?

Hi, you must be Isabella. I'm Lu.

Are you here about Ms Dorcas?

Mum called me.

Someone's in a hurry.

He's probably in shock.

We all are.

Mr Azim?

Yes... Yes.

Er, Brian Haliday.

With the quadruplets.

We met yesterday. Briefly.

I came looking for you earlier. Over lunch.

Er... I... had a commitment outside the centre.

How can I help?

Terrible news about your colleague.

Devastating. She was a lovely woman.


I heard her on the phone earlier actually, in here.

Yeah, she was talking to the police.

Mentioned something about fraud.


What did you want to speak to me about?

I just wanted to pick your brains about A-Level options for the kids, you know.


Come back on Tuesday.

OK? Yeah.

See you next Tuesday.

Cheating little...

What are you doing?

Who are you?

I'm Frank Hathaway. I'm a private investigator...

And I've just found out the secret of your success.

Time travel.

This is next year's A-Level paper.

All in the timing, partner.

I just can't believe how calm you were.

Well, it's not the first body I've found, I'm afraid.

Now, are you sure you'll be OK for tonight?

Trust me, OK, performing is gonna seem like a blessed escape.

Isn't that that genius maths teacher?

Yes... Mr Azim?

We would love a word. Uh, can't talk now.

The thing is, Rory now wants this movie to be all about you!

I hate the theatre!

That's funny, cos I hate maths.

You're not really making a film about me, are you?

Er, no.

Oh! Rory!

"Sound trumpets! Let our bloody colours wave!

And either victory, or else a grave."

Leave me alone!

What do you want from me?

Give it up, maths boy!

Maths boy?


Why'd you do it?


That's all it's about now.

Parents, teachers, everyone.

I'm just playing the same game they are.

Fudging the figures, working the system.

Is that what you call murder, is it? "Working the system"?


You knew Cassie was onto you, didn't you? So you shut her up.

I didn't kill Cassie.

Thank you.

Those draft exam papers were all from a "Susan Frobisher" who sets maths questions for the M4M exam board.

And she lives just outside Stratford.

Where do I know that name from?

So either Susan's collaborating with Amit or he's found some ways to take photos of the papers without her realising.

Yes, Cassie must have found out, threatened to expose him..

And he panicked. Case closed.

Well, hang on, we still don't know if Charlie's in trouble.

That is what we're being paid to find out.

I'm gonna try some of those chilli pork scratchings.

Can I have some chilli pork scratchings, please?

How many bags do you want, Frank?

Ah, just give us all four.

Mr Harrison.

Good morning. I'm PC Viola Deacon, and... my team and I just want to thank you for your act of bravery yesterday.


It was a stupid thing to do.

I was in agony on stage last night.

It's even worse this morning.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.

I don't suppose you could sign this for me? Yeah, of course.

Thank you. If you could just make it out to Viola?

Not a problem.

I'm actually coming to watch the show tonight.



Well, I don't want to disturb you.

So, I don't suppose he owned up then, to killing that poor woman?

Amit Azim didn't do it. How do you know?

Because at the time of the murder, he was giving a talk on "Teaching Excellence" to a hall full of school teachers in Warwick which is a bit ironic really, isn't it?

So, how did he get hold of those exam papers?

It's a mystery.

Which we'll solve, of course.

They did say Shakespeare enjoyed irony.

He did.

However, I feel he may have preferred a painful tragedy.

You get her to tell you all that, did you?

Well, I mean, I had just given her my autograph.

Oh! Great work, Rory.

It sounds like you're an absolute natural at all this as well.

Are you kidding me? I haven't got the stomach or the back.

Actually, that reminds me.

Got an appointment with the osteopath.

Praying that I'm gonna be alright for tonight.

Good luck.

Goodbye, Rory Harrison.

Thanks a million.

He's a teeny-weeny bit up himself, but he's OK.

That's about right, yeah.

Alright, so...

If Amit didn't kill Cassie, who did?

Susan Frobisher? Where do I know that name from?

We need to find her and have a word. Or it's something to do with Charlie and whatever was going on between him and Cassie?

We're missing a connection here. Isabella?


Although, she's already left Syracuse.

Hang on. Look.

Susan Frobisher is one of Isabella's contacts.


Are there any messages between the two of them?

"Hi, Izzie. 7pm Tuesday sounds great.

I'll make sure the kids are in bed."

"Hi, Suzie. The girls are sound asleep. Enjoy your evening."

OMG! Isabella's her babysitter.

She was left alone in the house with the A-Level papers.

So, that's how she got in to Oxford.

So, let's say Isabella found the draft A-Level papers in Frobisher's house.

She took pictures of them, sent them to Amit.

Cassie got suspicious.

They panicked and decided to silence her.

It fits.

And given that Amit has an alibi...

We need to find some proof.

Well, if Isabella sent the photos to Amit there could well be a record of that somewhere on the app.

No, there's no Amit Azim listed in the contacts.

Damn it.

He called himself "Rammy".

Nice one, Seb!

There's an attachment on there.

Teacher and student. Partners in crime.

Let's go and find the golden girl.


Hello, Jessica.

I came to see if you've got any further.

With Charlie?

Charlie. Right.

I tell you what, I'm gonna leave you with Frank.

Did I interrupt something?

Not at all. Listen, we couldn't find any evidence that your son has been doing anything he shouldn't.

That's true. Ah.

But we are gonna keep on looking. There's no need.

That's all the reassurance I was after.

So, how much do I owe you?

Oh, a prompt payment is appreciated.

I'll sort out the invoice.

Please. Thank you.


My mum's not in. Yeah, no, it was your sister that I was after.


Is she in trouble?

Probably best if I speak to her.

She's out as well. Oh, right. Do you know where she is?

She's not here.

Are you alright, Charlie?


You knew about the exam papers, didn't you?

That's what Ms Dorcas wanted, wasn't it?

Your help to prove that Isabella was involved.

Look, I'll call the police.

Listen to me, Charlie.

Your sister is in big trouble and it might help her if she speaks to me first.

So just tell me where she is.





Any joy?

Charlie's protecting her.

I think it's what he's been doing all along.

Oh, that explains it.

Listen, if you're done, get yourself down to School Lane.

We're following Jessica, see if she leads us to Isabella.


She's been in there six minutes now.

Come on, Lu!

What's she doing with all that stuff?


She's taking Isabella to Oxford.

Of course! Look.

And she's got herself a new phone for Fresher's Week.

Clean phone. Clean start.

Come on, let's go.

OK? Yep.

What the...?

Bad news. You do have a kid who's in trouble.

Your perfect daughter.

What are you talking about?

I'm so sorry, Ms Duke.

Lapsang souchong...

Of course.

The smoky smell at Cassie Dorcas' house. This is what it was.

You did say you'd do anything to protect your children's future.

Charlie said she's gonna call the police.

I'll lose my place at Oxford.

I'll go to prison. You have to help me, Mummy.

This is absurd.

It's OK, darling. There's nothing to worry about.

They're all utterly mad.

You won't mind Forensics taking your house and your car apart looking for Cassie's blood then, will you?

This is about integrity, Mrs Duke.

It's my daughter's future we're talking about here.

I'm sorry, but I've already called the police.

They'll be here shortly.

How dare you mess with my family?

It was you?

Why, Isabella? Why did you have to cheat?

Because I was scared about disappointing you.

I bet you a crate of beer you'll find traces of blood in that car.

Let's see, shall we, Frank?

Tiger mothers, you see.

They're especially dangerous when one of their cubs is threatened.


It's OK, darling.

It's OK.


Oh, Charlie...

I'm so sorry.

Last summer, I used Izzie's phone to look up some stupid prank videos online.

Mum didn't approve of them and I thought she was checking my phone.

And that's when you found the photos.

I knew it was really bad, but...

I kept quiet.

How did Ms Dorcas find out?

One day after class, she told me she'd seen Izzie in a cafe with Mr Azim.

She was worried something was going on between them.

I panicked.

So you told her what you'd seen?

She wouldn't leave me alone after that.

Wanted me to find out where Izzie had seen the papers.

When Ms Dorcas said she was gonna call the police that's when I finally told Isabella.

I ruined everything.

No. No, Charlie, you haven't done anything wrong.

Your only thought was to protect your sister and believe me, she will always be grateful for that.

You see, my mum would never do anything like that for me.

If my mum caught me cheating, she'd march me to the headmaster herself.

So, are you thinking of changing careers?

Are you kidding?

Real emotion, real drama?

Truth is, I can't hack it.

It's really impressive, what you guys do. Honestly.


How was the osteo?

Oh, the bearer of bad tidings.

I can't do the show tonight.

I've never missed a performance in my life. Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, don't worry.

Just get your understudy to go on and you can stay here with us.


See that lad down there?

That's my understudy.

The director's cancelling the show.

He's got no choice.

It's a complete disaster.

"Goodnight, sweet prince And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest."


"Though this be madness, there is method in't."

"Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt thaw and resolve itself into a dew.

Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd His canon 'gainst self-slaughter.

Oh, God!"

I don't know what any of it means but he's brilliant, isn't he?


Who you shushing? We know him.

We know him. "Fie!

Oh, Fie!


'Tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed.

Things rank and gross in nature possess it merely.

That it should come to this!

But two months dead, nay, not so much not two.

So excellent the king..."


Too kind.

Hi, Seb. Oh, hi.

You were brilliant. Thank you.

Would you mind?

Of course.

And I especially loved how you played that intimacy with Ophelia.

Gosh, thanks.

Um, I will just be back in a sec.


What's wrong?

What's wrong is that you completely... nailed it!

Got me out of jail!


Thank you, mate.

Thank you for believing in me. Oh, stop it.

I know how good you are.

Now, when you've finished with your fans the director wants a word.


No, no, Frank, his dad was dead.

His dad was dead, so that was a ghost.

What? That was a gho...

Here he is! The star of the show!

You were amazing!

You were much better than I was expecting.

Thank you. No, I mean, it was good. Really good.

Do you want a pint? Um...

I think I might need something stronger than that.

Why? What's happened?

The director has just offered me a part in the touring production.

What? No way!

It's going round the world. It's, er... China, Africa, everywhere.


It's for two years.

Two... years? Mm.

That's... that's great, Sebastian.

It's Francisco, it's one of the soldiers so there's only ten lines, but...

I assume you said yes?

I'm flying to Singapore tomorrow morning.

Wow! Well... this does call for a celebration.

You can have some crisps with your pint.

Pint, please.


I told you not to come.

I know, but...

We thought you might need a hand with your stuff.

Come here.

And we didn't want you getting hungry on the way.

Just some bits.

Thank you.

How we gonna cope without you?

Well, let's be honest, you're not, are you?

No. Probably not, no.

You... have been amazing, Lu Shakespeare.

So have you, Sebastian... what's... what is your surname?

And thank you, Frank.

Come here, you daft sod.


Two years.

My God.

Yes, but it's the RSC, remember?

And it's everything you've dreamed of.

I know.

"Parting is such sweet sorrow."

I need a drink.

Come on.


No, thanks.

It was ten lines.

I'd have gone out of my mind.

But... isn't that a bad career move?

There'll be other roles.

I mean, I'm a bloody good actor.

Yes, you are!

And travelling's overrated, right?

Oh, and I'd have spent the whole time wondering what you two were up to.

Well, look.

Seeing as you're back...

It's your round.