Shallow Hal (2001) Script

NURSE: I heard she was moved to another room.

Mrs. Larson?

It...

It won't be much longer, Mrs. Larson.

(SIGHS)

Oh. Well, is he in a lot of pain?

No. No, no.

There'll be no more pain for your husband. He's heavily sedated.

Okay. I think I'm gonna go send little Hal in now.

No. No, no. I don't think that's such a good idea.

With all the painkillers, the Reverend's not exactly himself.

Look, I think my boy has a right to say goodbye to his father.

I mean, the man means everything in the world to him.

Well, your call.

Nurse?

Yes, Reverend Larson?

Did you see the cowboy?

The cowboy?

The cowboy who gave me the singing nickel in Pudding Town?

Okay, think it's time to turn down the morphine drip.

Reverend Larson? Your son is here.

Okay, sure. Send her in.

Ladies?

A little privacy.

(COUGHING)

Dad?

It's me, Dad. Hal.

Oh. Glad you're here, kiddo.

Got a few things to tell ya.

First, I want you to promise that no matter what you do in life, you will never, ever settle for average.

Yes, sir.

Second, don't be satisfied with routine poontang.

Huh?

Don't do what I did.

I married for love, and your mother Betty has been a nightmare.

But, Dad, Mom's name is Marian.

Listen to me. I'm giving you pearls here.

And third, find yourself a classic beauty

with a perfect can and great toddies.

That will put you in good stead with the Lord.

It's all in here.

Yes, sir.

Hot, young tail's what it's all about.

Hot, young tail.

(FLY BUZZES)

(FLATLINE TONE)

I'll make you proud, Papa.

(MEMBERS ONLY PLAYING)


♪ Uncle Larry's hooked on ice again

♪ He seems to be stuck in the '80s

♪ He wears his Members Only jacket

♪ 'Cause he thinks it turns on all the ladies

♪ And all the white folks shake their asses

♪ Looking for the two and four

♪ I'll have mine in martini glasses

♪ 'Cause I can't take it any more

♪ These are the days of empty kitchens

♪ The rise and fall of Mary Ellen's hairdo

Excuse me, jackass. Can you not hear me down there?

I want nothing to do with you, you little warthog.

Shh.

You had me at "Get lost."

Hey, what's up, Mauricio?

Hey, Hal.

How's the crowd tonight?

Good. I got a few bites.

Yeah? Can I get you a drink?

I won't say no to that.

Whoo!

Two beers.

BARTENDER: Two Buds? Two Buds.

So, I didn't expect to see you here.

Where's your new girl Loni?

Lindy. Lindy.

She's... Here you go.

Actually, I didn't tell her I was going out tonight.

Why not? Things okay with you guys?

Yeah. A little too okay, if you know what I'm talking about.

(LAUGHS)

No, I don't know. What's that mean?

Things are going in the shitter.

Aw, jeez, I'm sorry to hear that. Why is she dumping you?

She's not. I'm dumping her.

You're dumping Loni?

Lindy. Are you crazy? Lindy's gorgeous.

On the surface, but when you get to know her better, there's a whole other story goin' on.

Yeah? How goes that?

We're sitting there, you know, and she's got her bare...

Her bare feet were on the couch, and I notice that her second toe is, like, half an inch longer than her big toe.

That's it? You're breaking up over that?

Hey, I don't need that circus shit.

Well, couldn't she get the toe filed down or something?

What, then I'm dating a nub?

I'm starting to think we're jinxed here.

Speak for yourself, my friend.

What, you got the promotion?

I don't hear about that till tomorrow.

But guess who is now officially going out with Jill.

Jill? Your neighbor Jill?

You're going out with Jill?

And she doesn't exactly hate me.

Get out! You are the luckiest man on the planet.

So what are you doing here?

She's hostessing until 11:00.

Actually, I better get going.

I'll try to catch her on the way home.

See if she wants to get a drink.

If I know you, that's not all she'll be getting.

(LAUGHING)

I'll see you later.

I said no.

No? Why not?

I don't want to have a drink. I want to go home.

Is that so hard to understand?

Hey, hey, hey.

What's goin' on? Are you mad?

No, I'm not mad. I just...

Go on, say it. You know what?

No matter what it is, we're gonna work it out.

Hal, I'm not attracted to you.

So what? You think everyone who goes out is attracted to each other? Get real.

I think they're attracted to each other in the beginning.

Oh, come on. That sounds like a bunch of New Age hooey.

All right, maybe for some people there's a little spark in the beginning, but for most, the attraction part happens way later. Whoa!

Just like that, we're breaking up?

Well, we were never going out. We just had one date.

Come on. Hey, let's stay together five days. That's all I need.

Why do you need five days?

Because tomorrow, I'll finally get my promotion.

There's gonna be parties, dinners, this, that. Come on, I need you now.

You don't need me. You'll be so busy, you won't think about me.

How can I not think about you?

You live right across the hall.

I don't know, Hal. Maybe... Maybe you should think about moving.

Hal, we've made a decision regarding that wholesaler position.

Yes! It's about time, Dave.

We decided to go with the gal from Merrill.

She's a proven entity. A big producer.

I'm sorry, man.

No, it's... The gal's a proven entity. What the heck you gonna do?

Hal, I'm so sorry. Yeah, thanks.

You should have gotten it. You deserved it.

No, I didn't. Obviously I didn't put them in a position where they had to promote me. It's a good lesson.

Make yourself indispensable, that's the key.

And to make matters worse, Jill dumped me last night.

Dumped you? Don't you have to be going out to get dumped?

What does that mean?

I just thought it was more of a...

Anyway, I don't see why you care so much.

You know she was wrong for you.

How can you say that? She was perfect.

When are you gonna get it? They're just well-formed molecules.

By the way, her tits weren't even real.

Well, I could squeeze 'em. That's real enough for me.

Hal, I don't understand how a guy who's as nice, and loyal, and generous as you could have such a huge flaw.

What are you talking about?

You don't think picking girls solely on their looks may not be the best way?

What, am I supposed to apologize for having high standards?

High standards? In the five years I've known you, every woman, I should say girl, you've gone after has been completely out of your league.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, she doesn't mean anything by it.

She's just saying you're not that good-looking.

Oh! I thought she was implying something really mean.

No.


Hey, it's you. You're the TV guru guy.

Tony Robbins. Pleased to meet you.

Yeah! Oh, man!

So, wow! You gave advice to whatchamacallit President Clinton? Mandela? No, no, no.

Gorbachev?

No, no. Pamela Anderson.

Right? Yeah! Give me another handshake.

Wow! Man, look at those mitts!

That's like grabbing a bunch of bananas.

And what's up with those dogs? How big are those?

Size 16, buddy.

Holy cannoli.

You must do pretty good with the ladies.

Just one.

Really? Yeah.

(SNICKERS)

She sounds hot!

She is an amazing lady.

I bet.

So, what are you doing in my town?

We're doing a seminar here.

I help people deal with life's challenges with more dignity and more courage.

That's my deal, is the courage. I try to...

Hang on a second. Are we gonna fall?

No, it just stopped. That's weird.

Oh, man, yeah. So what do we... Hang on.

Are you okay? I'm fine.

You okay?

Yeah, yeah. It's just, I feel a little lightheaded.

Then she dumped me. Flat out.

Not even the courtesy of a severance pop.

A severance pop?

You know, one last...

(WHISTLES)

To ease the pain.

The nice ones'll sometimes throw you that.

It sounds like you've had some odd relationships.

Yeah.

See, the problem is I'm kinda picky.

What do you mean, picky?

Well, for instance, I like 'em real young.

Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first Sports Illustrated layout?

You want a young Paulina type?

Well, that face, but with better headlights.

You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately?

Heidi Klum's beams would do. And her teeth.

Or that Britney Spears girl. She's got great Knockers.

But she's a tad muscular.

Actually, you know what? Her ass would do, too, if she had a better grill.

Like Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did Grease 2.

But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle.

Like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed.

But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi.

But no accent. You know those accents...

Yah-yah-yah-yah.

They really get old fast.

You know what I mean. Someone like that.

Don't you think you're being a bit shallow in the way you look at women?

Well, no.

I mean, you know, I'd like her to be into culture and shit, too.

Okay, hypothetical situation.

Which do you prefer, a girlfriend missing one breast or half a brain?

Ooh, toughie.

That's a toughie.

How's the remaining breast? Is it big?

What's your relationship like with your parents?

Oh, it's excellent. I mean, my mom's hilarious. She golfs every afternoon.

Actually, I don't really remember my dad.

He died when I was nine, so...

If you were nine, that's kind of odd. You should remember a lot.

Yeah, but I don't.

My mom thinks I might have been a little traumatized by the whole thing.

Anyway, all I remember is he was great.

He was a great guy, and I really loved him. But...

I'm sorry you lost him.

Hey, listen, I know you got a great heart.

You're just a bit fixated on people's appearances.

So, Hal Larson, I'm gonna do you a great favor.

Really? Yeah.

Listen, this is how it'll work. From this moment on, whenever you meet someone in the future, you're only gonna see what's inside them.

So you'll respond to that.

Because that, my friend, is where the true beauty lies.

Okay, Tony, I think you're getting a little cabin fever.

Hold on. What if I told you you could have the most beautiful women in the world?

Uh, is this kind of like what you do in your seminars?

No, no, this is very special.

This is just between you and me.

Let's get up, and I'll show you what to do. Yeah!

Now, you got a pattern of looking at women and judging them by the exterior.

We gotta break that pattern. All right.

So has there been a time when you were especially shallow?

You saw a woman, thought you were better than she was?

All the time. All the time.

Can you think of a time when you were really shallow?

Oh, yeah, I got one.

Think about that. Ready?

Devils, come out!

What the hell are you doin', banana hands?

Just hang on.

We gotta jolt your nervous system.

Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

Not just talk about it. Here's what I want you to do.

Just relax. All right.

And I won't do that again.

I didn't mean the "banana hands" thing.

That's okay.

Close your eyes. Just relax. And I want you to imagine that you're on a beach.

It's a warm day, and the sun is just starting to set.

And you're looking in the eyes of a woman, and you're feeling her heart.

You're seeing her soul.

You're feeling her spirit.

That's it.

That's it. Excellent.

Excellent.

Taxi!

Oh.

I'm sorry. I... I thought that...

No, no, no. No. It's my fault. I didn't see you.

This is your cab. No, I'm gonna get the next cab.

Uh...

Okay. All right.

Look, I'm just... I'm just headed over to the East Side.

Do you want to share, or...

Yeah!

Yeah, let's take this one.

So, awesome. Thank you. Terrific.

Where to, my friends?

East Side Plaza for me, please.

Likewise.

What? Oh. Huh? Sorry. I just...

I mean, yeah, you're... You're really pretty.

(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.

Jeez, is everybody in this city so flattering?

See, I figured you weren't from around here. Where you from?

Boston.

Beantown.

The musical fruit.

The more you eat, the more you toot.

So, you here on a shoot or something?

A shoot?

I mean, you must be a model, right?

My grandmother's not doing so well, so I took a year off from school to help her out.

Oh. Helping granny. Cool.

Thanks. Yeah.

Bye.

So, nice catching up.

Listen, I know you'll probably think I'm some kind of wacko for asking, but...

What?

Well, while you're here in town, I mean, you know...

If you ever feel like taking a break from hanging out with your old, sick granny, you know, we could...

Sure. I mean...

Really?

Are you kidding? Yeah! That'd be...

I would absolutely love to, if...

Okay, yeah. I should get your number, then.

No, no. I'll get yours, because it would...

With my luck, you'll lose mine, so...

Oh. No, I get it. Very funny.

You got me. That was... No, that was good.

You could've just said no, but you went the extra mile.

That was harsh. I don't need this shit.

Well, hey...

What?

I do want your number. I'm sorry!

I don't know what... That was dumb.

I was saying something... I thought you meant... Never mind.

Yes. Yes.

Here's my phone number, and here's my e-mail.

(LAUGHS)

E-mail. That's...

Yeah. That's funny.

MAURICIO: Hello? Hey, mudwhistle, get dressed.

We're going out.

(ROY'S TOY PLAYING)

So Robbins gave you free therapy while you were in the elevator?

Yeah. And then... Check this out.

He does this thing to me where he makes it so I can score better with the ladies.

At the time I thought it was sort of a joke.

But this afternoon, the first beautiful woman I saw went for me.

Could be coincidence.

But no. This wasn't, you know... This was different.

I don't know, she went crazy for me or something.

I think talking to him helped my confidence or something.

'Cause I do feel more confident.

Shit. Look who's here.

(CHEERING)

What's the matter? You have a problem with Walt?

You don't?

No. Why would I?

Don't you get sick of it sometimes? Sick of what?

The whole I-walk-on-all-fours -so-I-own-the-world thing.

All the phony self-deprecating crap.

Jeez, the guy... Give the guy a break!

He's got spina bifida! He plays the hand he was dealt.

Yeah. And here he comes.

There's a couple of belt buckles I recognize.

Hey, Walt. How you doing?

Do I look like I have anything to complain about?

Not if you don't mind bunions on your knuckles.

I gotta go to the can.

Hey, man, good to see ya.

Good to see you.

How you been? Good.

There's a pair of panties I recognize. How ya doing, Deb?

Okay, wise guy, what's it gonna be?

A bottle of Dom for my buddy here.

Another? Okay, you got it.

And keep 'em coming.

What's the occasion?

I take it you don't read the business section?

What did I miss?

I sold my company to Microsoft.

Yeah? And you cleaned up?

Well, put it this way. If I had an ass, I'd wipe it with twenties.

All right! Congratulations!

Yup, I'm officially retired and on the prowl.

Hey, Walt.

Hey, Sally.

I got a leash. Would you like to take me for a walk?

Come on, boy.

Catch ya later.

Hi.

Hi.

Hal.

I'm Bella.

So, what's up?

Nothing.

My friends are all out on the dance floor.

Yeah?

On, now come you're not out there spanking the planks with 'em?

Spanking the planks. (SNORTS)

So, are they your roommates, or...

No, we work together at the Foundation Fighting Blindness.

Oh, cool. I used to know a deaf guy.

Yeah. (SNORTS)

Hey, do you wanna dance? Yes!

Au right.

(TOO YOUNG PLAYING)

(SNARLS)

♪ Baby, when I saw you turning at the end of the street

♪ I knew a time was gone

♪ And it took me like ages

♪ Just to understand that I was afraid to be a simple guy

♪ I tried my best to smile

♪ But deep inside my heart I felt it was shouting like a crowd dancing

♪ I guess I couldn't live without the things

♪ That made my life what it is

♪ Can't you hear me calling?

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Everybody's dancing

♪ Oh, yeah

♪ Tonight everything is over...

What in the name of all that is holy?

♪ I can't lie on my bed without thinking I was wrong

♪ But when that feeling calls...

Do you need help?

What? Come on!

♪ Nighttime won't hold me in your arms again

♪ I got a very good friend who says

♪ He can't believe the love I give is not enough

♪ To end your fears I guess I couldn't live without the things

♪ That made my life what it is Hal?

It's 10:00. We gotta go.

(LAUGHS) What are you talking about?

Hal, we gotta go do that thing.

You know, at the place.

What thing?

Hey, sorry, ladies.

I gotta steal your dance partner here.

No!

What are you doing?

I am rescuing you!

From what?

From what!

♪ Oh, rainfalls and hard times coming, they won't leave me tonight From a pack of stampeding buffalo! That's from what!

♪ Just do let this spirit Survive Everybody's dancing-U Come join us. I'm going after the redhead.

You can have your pick of the other two.

You mean you get the hyena, and I choose between the hippo and the giraffe?

Don't be intimidated, man. They don't bite! Now, let's go!

I'm getting back in there!

Hey, go nuts.

♪ Tonight everything is over

♪ I feel too young Hey, Jin.

♪ Everybody's shaking

Mauricio, it's Hal. Pick it up.

Look, man, I don't know what the hell was the matter with you last night.

First you wouldn't dance with the hotties at the bar, then at the IHOP, those hotties were even hotter, and you disappear! Oh, my...

I gotta call you back. Something came up.

(TOXIC GIRL PLAYING)

In the sky the birds are pulling rain

In your life a curse has got a name

Building a parachute?

Excuse me?

They're a little big, aren't they?

Oh, I get it. You ripped the spinnaker on your sailboat, right?

I'm sorry. I just...

It seemed so funny seeing someone like you holding up a pair of old-lady trou.

Someone like me?

Yeah. You know, someone so fit.

You are a jackass.

Miss, please. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to offend you.

Hey, unibrow, why don't you double your dosage and leave me alone?

Whoa, whoa. Let's start over.

Look, that was really dumb of me.

You were probably buying 'em for someone close to you, right? And I insulted them.

Well, however it is you took it, I want you to know I didn't mean to piss you off.

I wanted to meet you, and I guess...

I guess I'm not real smooth sometimes.

Let me make it up to you.

Excuse me, miss. Is everything all right?

So, what do you do for a living, Rosemary?

I'm actually volunteering at the hospital right now, 'cause I'm waiting for this re-up thing to come through.

Re-up? What, are you in the army?

Peace Corps.

Peace Corps. Wow.

That's very altrudocious of you.

Altrudocious? That's not a word.

Ah, you mean humanidocious, right?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah. That's the one.

All right. Ready to order?

Yeah. Can I get a double pizza burger, chili fries with cheese, and a large chocolate milkshake?

Nicely done. I'll have the exact same thing.

You got it.

I am impressed.

It's nice to see a girl order a real meal.

I can't stand it when you guys order a glass of water and a crouton.

It ruins the whole point of going out.

Yeah, well, that's probably what I should be ordering, you know?

But I don't know, no matter what I eat, my weight just seems to stay the same.

So I just figure, what the hell? I'm gonna eat what I want.

Oh, totally. If you can get away with it, more power to ya.

Don't be a smart-ass.

What? No, I'm just saying, you know.

I feel bad for people who count calories. It's no way to live.

Yeah.

But in return they get to be a lot thinner than I am.

Uh...

Are you out of your mind?

What do you weigh? 110,115 pounds?

Which one of my butt cheeks are you talking about?

Okay.

Cuckoo, cuckoo.

Trust me, whatever you're doing, it's working.

It is working.

Oh, go on.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Oops.

Goddang it. Rosemary, don't move. Is your back all right?

Yeah.

Is she all right?

Listen, you gotta get some decent chairs in here, man.

What's this shit made out of, anyway?

Steel.

Yeah? Well, you should get it welded better in the corners!

All right, then.

Rosemary, you sure you're okay?

Yeah. I'm a little embarrassed but it's happened before, it'll happen again.

Oh, man.

Don't be embarrassed. Listen, I beef it. Everybody beefs it.

We're too late. The food's probably all gone.

Listen, can you wait here one second?

Oh, Hal, just let it go.

Nah. Nah.

Hal. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

You guys are making fun of me 'cause I'm a little pudgy?

No, I wasn't making fun of you. I was... That's fine.

Do me a favor. Take a look outside.

You see that little fox out there?

See that little number? She's with me.

If you took all the women you two have ever gone out with, they wouldn't equal one of her.

We're not arguing that. No.

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

That's right. Laugh it up, fellas.

And tonight, when you're hugging your pillow, remember, I'm with her.

All right? That's it.

Uh!

What happened? Well, let's just say the score's Hal two, mall rats zero.

Let me walk you to your car.

Well, thanks for lunch, Hal.

Ah, my pleasure, Rosie.

My mother calls me Rosie.

Really? Yeah.

Gentlemen, can I interest you in some chili fries and half a burger?

There's a lot left 'cause the little guy couldn't finish his meal.

Hey.Hey. Pussy.

That was nice of you.

Well, you're all right in my book, too, Hal.

Can I have your number?

What number?

Your PIN number, I want your money!

Your phone number. What do you think?

Why?

You know, to go out. Maybe like tomorrow.

Uh... well, yeah.

I mean, sure. It's in the book under Rosemary Shanahan.

I can write it down. It's S-H-A...

No, I'll remember it.

My boss's name is Steve Shanahan.

That's my father's name.

Not JPS Steve Shanahan?

Yeah!

Yeah.

Your father is my boss.

I mean, not my boss. He's my boss's boss.

I mean, I don't know him, but I see him around the office.

Well, then you won't forget my name.

Hal? Yeah?

If I don't hear from you, I appreciate everything, anyway.

Cuckoo.

You sure you don't want a dog?

Yeah, yeah. I'm trying to lose a couple of lbs.

Since when do you care about your gut?

I don't really, but I'm a little nervous.

This girl who's coming to meet me here is in incredible.

Uh-huh?

Like the ones on the dance floor the other night?

Even better, buddy. I'm telling you, it's almost beyond belief.

She's funny, she's smart, she teaches self-esteem to sick kids.

And I would never believe a girl as beautiful could have such a great personality.

Ugly duckling syndrome. She probably wasn't pretty till high school.

The personality had to develop out of necessity.

You know what? I bet you're right.

She's way too pretty to be so nice.

Sometimes they're ugly so long, they turn pretty and don't realize it.

The ugly self-image is so well ingrained. That's a real find.

Hey! Hey!

I've been looking for you.

Oh, shit. Oh, it's Lindy. The girl with the toe.

Hey, Mauricio. How ya doing?

Good. Did you get my message?

No, no. My phone machine's not really working there. Did you call?

I got tickets for that Beatles reunion.

The Beatles?

Yeah. Well, not the real Beatles, but Paul, George and Ringo will be there.

But Eric Clapton is filling in for John.

It's an invitation-only acoustic set.

Only about 70 people, tops.

Oh, man.

So you're in?

Ahhh...

No. Not a Clapton fan.

Think I'll pass.

Okay.

Well, I guess I'll see ya. Yeah, yeah.

Bye, Lindy.

Oh, did you see the toe?

Mauricio, I gotta tell you, you got issues.

Don't even get me started.

Oh, God. There she is. There's Rosemary.

Where?

Right there.

Right where?

Straight ahead. Across the field.

Is she behind the rhino?

She's right there!

Mauricio, I want you to meet someone.

This is Rosemary Shanahan. Rosemary, Mauricio Wilson.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Holy cow. I mean, hi.

Is that a Members Only jacket?

Yes. Yes, it is.

So, are you, like, the last member?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, man. One-nothing, Rosemary. I told you she was good.

Excuse me for just one second. Hello? Oh, hi, Mom.

Yeah, hold on. Will you guys excuse me?

Want something from the snack bar?

Yeah, get me a beer and nachos with all the stuff on it.

You got it.

Does she take the cake or what?

She takes the whole bakery, Hal.

I told you.

Yes, you did. And yet I wasn't prepared.

So, what are you up for?

I don't know. I like the track.

Ah, so she's a gambler.

Yeah, well, just the dogs.

I hate the ponies. There's too much human involvement, you know?

You can't trust people if you're looking for a fair deal.

What about you? Do you gamble?

No, not really.

I mean, I bet on pro football now and then, but to make it more exciting. I don't care if I win.

Huh.

I've never read that book.

What book?

Things Losers Say.

(ROSEMARY CHUCKLES)

Hey, I got a good idea. Why don't we forget the track, and I'll introduce you to some good friends of mine?

Yeah? Yeah.

All right. What do you say?

I say okay.

You say okay?

Hi, guys. I want you to meet a very good friend of mine. Okay?

This guy here is Hal. And he's really funny.

How ya doing? Good.

Good to meet ya.

Hey.

Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that face.

She should be doing Keebler commercials.

You're the cutest thing I've ever seen.

What's your name, beautiful?

Cadence.

Cadence. That's a pretty name.

You know, my uncle's name is Cadence.

Well, I got news for you, Cadence.

I'm not putting you down until the cows come home.

Put her down.

The cow came home.

What is he doing here?

These aren't visiting hours.

Oh, Nurse Peeler, we were just coming by to say hi to the kids.

Oh, fine. Pack it up.

And get these patients back in their beds.

(PAGER BEEPING)

Should we get going?

Don't pay any attention to Nurse Sourpuss.

Sourpuss.

(KIDS GIGGLE)

Hey! I got an idea. Do you want to play the kissing game?

I do! Me!

Yeah? Want me to go get a bottle?

No, no. Want to get the lipstick?

Get lipstick.

Yeah, okay.

What we do is we put on the lipstick.

The kisser kisses as much as they can until the lipstick comes off.

Oh, cool. I want to go first.

Then I'm going last.

Jesse.

(UNDER BREATH) Hey, they don't have anything I can catch, do they?

They don't have anything you can catch.

I didn't think so. You guys don't even look sick.

You're just a bunch of phonies like my Uncle Cadence.

I'll bet you're here so you can get out of school. Right?

Is that right? Yeah.

Give me some lipstick.

Put on lipstick.

You were incredible in there. You were. You were so amazing.

I'm serious. A lot of people get squeamish in that situation, and you were so...

Rosemary? Is that you?

Dr. Sayed! How's it going?

Good. Who is this?

This is my friend Hal.

Hal. Good to meet you.

Be nice to her. She's a good girl. All right.

Bye, Rosemary. Bye.

I'm serious. That's what these kids need, is, like, a stranger who isn't afraid to just be with them and play with them.

It builds their self-confidence.

Why would anybody be afraid of 'em?

You are off-the-charts adorable. Do you know that?

Come on.

This is a nice street you live on.

Yeah, this is my street. You want to come up?

Yeah. But I don't think I should.

Why not? It's only 9:00.

I know. I don't think it's a good idea.

Oh, no. Did I do something? No.

You've been really cool.

Hi, Hal.

Oh, hey, Jill. Rosemary, this is my neighbor Jill.

Hi. Hi.

Nice...

(GRUNTS) Sorry.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too, Jill.

I gotta go meet some friends, so I'll see you guys later.

Bye. Bye.

Come up.

(SIGHS) No.

What? I thought... I thought we were having a good time.

We were. It's just, you know, Hal, I'm not used to all this.

Used to what?

Hal, you've been really nice to me today.

I really appreciate it. But...

What, your other boyfriends aren't nice to you?

I don't have other boyfriends.

Bullshit.

Well, I had one boyfriend.

It was kind of recently, actually, but it didn't work out.

Hmm. You've been burnt, huh?

No. That's just it.

I... I've never been close enough to anybody to get burnt.

Please! With a mug like that?

You must be fighting 'em off daily.

Right! I mean, I saw the way your friend Mauricio looked at me.

I thought he was gonna shoot me with a tranquilizer gun and tag my ear.

Don't worry. He's been acting really weird lately.

Especially around really pretty girls.

Hal, do me a favor and stop saying that I'm pretty, and that I'm not fat, okay?

'Cause it makes me uncomfortable.

Okay. You have a problem with compliments?

Look. I know what I am and I know what I'm not.

I'm the girl who gets really good grades and isn't afraid to be funny.

And I'm the girl who has a lot of friends who are boys, and no boyfriends.

I'm not beautiful, okay? And I never will be.

And I'm fine with that. You know?

But when you go around saying that I'm something that I'm not, it's just, it's not nice.

Whoa, Rosemary. You're starting to scare me.

I mean, I really like you, but I have to assume you're a little nutty if you really believe you're not beautiful.

Grow up, Hal.

Rosie. Wait a second.

Well, it was too good to be true.

Hmm?

Rosemary. Turned out to be a total psycho.

Her self-image is so far off, it's scary.

Well, maybe you had a little something to do with that.

What? What are you talking about?

All I ever did was tell her how perfect she was.

Really? Yeah.

Then she got all huffy and told me to grow up.

Well, that's probably good advice. You are kind of immature.

You're not serious. You actually think you're more mature than me?

Yeah, right. I'm probably more immature than you, but at least I have a bigger willie.

Yeah, bigger than a mouse's.

What the hell was that?

I said your willie's bigger than...

I heard, but it took you, like, eight seconds.

You can't make a comeback after eight seconds.

You got three seconds. Five, tops.

That's why they call it a quip. Not a slowp.

All right, you got anything better to read? I gotta fire off a missile.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Hi. Is this a bad time, or...

No.

Um...

I just wanted to apologize for last night.

You don't have to apologize.

Yeah, I do.

I called you, like, immature or sophomoric or something like that.

I know you're not... MAURICIO: My God. Hal!

You gotta get in here and look at this turd.

It looks just like Klinger from M*A*S*H.

Um...

Why don't we get out of here? Okay.

Coffee?

(BABY NOW THAT I'VE FOUND YOU PLAYING)

Mmm.

Excuse me. Are you ready to order?

Yes. Two double cheeseburgers, bacon, one with relish.

Thank you.

(SLURPING)

OW.

Are you okay?

Brain freeze.

♪ Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go

♪ I'll build my world around you, I need you so Excuse me, sweetie. Professional.

♪ Baby, baby, since first we met...

Hey, Billy, stay over near the ladder.

Weak. So weak.

You wanna see a splash? I'm gonna show you a splash. Ready?

♪ You spend a lifetime looking for somebody

♪ To give me love like you

♪ Now you've told me that you wanna leave me

♪ Darling, I just can't let you

♪ Baby, now that I've found you I can't let you go...

That was good?

Billy?

Billy? Billy? Billy!

(SOBBING) Daddy.

Sorry.

♪ Now that I've found you I can't let you go

♪ I'll build my world around you, I need you so

♪ Baby, even though you don't need me

♪ You don't need me What's the matter?

I should have changed at the beach.

What? Are you crazy? You look great.

I don't normally dress like this around my parents.

Hey, hey, come on.

I'm the one who should be nervous here, not you.

Hey, you know, I've been meaning to ask you, were you adopted?

No. why?

'Cause your dad has that weird accent.

And also, I've seen him around the office.

I gotta say, I don't see the slightest resemblance.

Really? Yeah.

Everybody says if you put a wig on him, he'd look just like me.

(IRISH ACCENT) Would you look at who's here now?

Come here, my darlin'.

Hi, Daddy.

Rosie, honey.

Mom.

Good to see ya.

Hal Larson, the guy I was telling you about.

It's great to meet you, sir.

Likewise.

Nice to meet you, Hal.

The pleasure is mine, Mrs. Shanahan.

Wow, I can see where Rosemary gets her figure.

What the hell... What the hell is that you've got on?

We were at the beach.

Won't you be putting something else on, darlin'?

Oh, come on. She doesn't have to do that for me. Let's just keep it casual.

Casual.

Hey, Dad, Hal's one of your great untapped resources down at the company.

Why don't you tell him some of your ideas?

Oh, so you've got a few ideas, do ya?

HAL: It is risky, but the rewards are greater, too.

The point is, only a company with a solid reputation like JPS could ever market this product.

MRS. SHANAHAN: Hal, let me take your plate.

Oh, thank you. It was delicious.

Can I get you boys some coffee?

I'd love a cup of tea, darlin'.

Maybe just a drop of the hard stuff.

Yeah, I'll just have a cup of joe. That'd be great. Thanks.

I have to say, Hal, I'm impressed with a lot of your ideas.

Some of them are dog shit, you know, but for the most part, you seem to have done your homework.

So I'd like you to do something for me. Okay.

Well, I'm meeting with me executive committee Monday morning, and I'd like you to make a presentation.

Seriously?

Well, nothing fancy, you understand.

Just talk about the same things that you talked about here tonight.

Great. I'd love to.

Oh, and by the way, you can cutout the act now.

Excuse me?

You think I got as far as I did in me life by bein' a fool?

Now, you've got ambition, Hal, and I admire that.

Hell, I wish I had a hundred more like yourself.

We'd be the number-one firm in the country.

And me daughter would get a hell of a lot more dates.

I'm sure Rosemary doesn't have any problem getting dates.

I told you to cut the shit out, all right?

Look, Rosemary is me daughter, and God knows I love her dearly.

But I think we both know that we won't soon be seeing her twirlin' the baton, marching along with the Dallas Cheerleaders.

Uh...

I don't understand.

I'm telling you the truth, Hal.

And the truth is I haven't been able to bounce me daughter on me knee since she was two.

You know, I've read about people like you.

People like me?

You superachievers with your impossible standards.

Nothing's ever good enough. Nothing measures up.

It never occurs to you that your kids are people, with their own feelings.

You think they're just an extension of you, like your billion-dollar company, or your $20 million Lear Jet and your Picasso out in the front hall.

Everything reflects on you, so nothing and no one is ever good enough.

Go on.

When I first met Rosemary, she told me she knew she wasn't that good-looking.

I could not believe my ears.

How can a person this beautiful possibly interpret what she sees in the mirror to be anything other than that?

Well, now I know.

Is everything okay?

Huh? Yeah, everything is fine.

Just fine.

What?

Nothing. I just can't believe how lucky I am.

(THIS IS MY WORLD PLAYING)

You swear to God you're not gonna laugh?

Come on, I'm not gonna laugh.

(WHIMPERS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Ah.

Daddy like.

♪ The look on your face

♪ It can never explain your heart

♪ And the touch of my lips

♪ It can never tell you my thoughts

♪ Then you want me to change

♪ I can't get used to...

What in... How did...

(LAUGHS)

Get over here, Houdini.

♪ 'Cause it's not really me This is my world

♪ This is who I am And I'm not gonna give up...

Hi.

Yes, I am.

Everything's so perfect.

It's a little scary.

I know.

But in a good way.

To have so much to lose. That's nice.

I'm gonna call you later.

Okay.

Bye.

(SIGHS)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Forget something?

Oh, hey. Hi. I'm glad I caught you before you went to work. What's up?

I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over tonight.

Open a bottle of wine, maybe watch a video.

Uh...

Nah. Thanks, though.

And in summation, I feel that these measures will help JPS and all of our customers.

Nice job, Hal. Thank you.

Nicely done. I appreciate it.

Hal, I stand corrected.

Thank you.

Hal, I need to see you in me office straight away.

Sure.

Sit yourself down.

So, what'd you think?

I'll be gettin' to that in a minute.

I want to talk to you about that little conversation we had the other night and all of them things you said to me.

Well, I'm more than just a little embarrassed, having said what I said.

I think me daughter is lucky to have you.

No, sir. I'm the lucky one.

Indeed.

Well, now, as to your meeting in there.

Sure, it was first-rate.

Yeah? Oh, yes.

Hal, I'm gonna level with ya.

I need your balls.

Sir?

I need a man around that can give it to me straight, you know?

Whether the news be good or bad.

So I've decided.

From now on, you'll be working directly for me.

Uh...

I don't know what to say but...

Thank you.

Well, a thank you will do just fine.

Well, get the fuck out.

Oh, okay.

BOTH: Congratulations on your promotion!

Oh, sorry.

No, no. Come in, come in. I want you to meet Rosemary.

Rosemary, this is Jen and Artie. Hi.

Kids, Rosemary Shanahan.

As in Steve?

Yeah, he's my dad. Oh, God, which reminds me, I gotta meet him for lunch.

I'll see you this weekend, okay?

Mmm. (GOBBLING)

(ROSEMARY GIGGLES)

It was really nice to meet you guys.

Mind if I take a little sliver?

Go for it.

Beauty.

Want a plate?

Uh-uh.

I know what you're thinking. Where does she put it, right?

You guys, thanks for the cake. You didn't have to do this.

Hey, it was the least we could do, seeing as how you worked so hard to become

"indispensable" to the company.

Is that that new thing called sarcasm?

Hal, we all know you're about as deep as a puddle.

In fact, that used to be part of your charm.

But this just flat out sucks.

What are you talking about?

If you have one ounce of integrity left, you'll break it off immediately, before you hurt the poor girl.

I gotta give you credit for being more proactive and starting to meet women and who knows? Maybe you are on a roll here or something.

But don't you think it's time to raise the bar a little?

I mean, at first I thought you were in a slump, you know?

I could, as a friend, look the other way while you banged a few fatties and got it out of your system.

But there's lots of good-eatin' fish out there.

You don't have to snack on carp any more.

I suppose the girls we partied with a couple weeks ago downtown were a couple of carp, too?

No. Laura, the one with the whiskers, she looked more like a catfish.

Oh, I see. And what about Marie?

Pop some bolts on her neck, and the villagers will be chasing her.

And Vicki? Who?

Vicki! Who's Vicki?

Vicki Vicki. With the short brown hair.

Vicki? I thought that was a guy. I was calling her Vic!

Oh, you're out of your mind!

Look, I know I'm being a little harsh on you here.

I think real friends are obligated to be honest with each other.

This one that you're dating now... Jeez.

Careful.

Hey, all I'm saying is she's got cankles, for God's sake.

What?

Cankles! She's got no ankles.

The calf merged with the foot, cut out the middleman.

She has coffee cans.

I know what cankles are.

Rosemary doesn't have 'em.

You know what? I know what you're doing here.

You're scared.

Scared?

Yup. This is exactly what you did with the knockout with the weird frinkly toe.

You're inventing reasons to dump girls 'cause you're afraid.

All right, look. I admit Rosemary is kind of cool, all right?

But admit you wouldn't talk to that woolly mammoth if her father wasn't company president.

What?

I guarantee you've never met anyone like this guy who's coming with us.

You're gonna love him.

Great.

What's his girlfriend like?

I haven't met her.

They just started going out. Oh, there he is.

Walt!

At your cervix!

Hey, you recognize these panties?

Rosemary, don't steal my lines.

You two know each other?

Yeah!

Gosh, Walt's been volunteering down at the hospital for years.

Oh.

So where's this mystery girl?

She should be here any minute.

Hey, I want you to be honest.

Is this outfit too "Hey, look at me"?

No, no. It's very subtle.

Sorry I'm late.

Tanya.

Oh. What a surprise.

(SUMMER DAYS PLAYING)

♪ I've spent all summer days drivin'

♪ I'm tired of holidays ruined

♪ No more takeaways, expired food I gotta get a map.

I'm going with you.

What are those for?

Ever walk through a truck-stop men's room on your hands?

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

Want anything?

Potato chips. And dip.

Cut it out.

(LAUGHS)

So, Tanya, I had no idea that you and Walt were, you know, seeing each other.

Yeah. You got a light?

It's actually a very funny story.

Because he had been asking me out for a really long time, and I was always kind of unavailable.

And then just when he had given up, I broke up with my boyfriend, and there he was.

So I asked him out.

So he kind of grew on you, huh?

Exactly. I mean, you gotta admit, when you first meet him, it is Kind of jarring.

I mean, you kind of don't even know what goes where.

But anyway, the timing couldn't have been more perfect, because he had just sold his company, and he has all this time on his hands, and we can plan things, and travel, and go shopping and...

Well, I guess timing's everything.

Hope you like bean dip.

(COUNTRYSIDE WITH YOU PLAYING)

♪ I'd already picked up all the faces

♪ And I, I wanna show you all the places

♪ And I, I wanna take a little ride

♪ Wanna take a little ride

♪ In the countryside with you

(CHEERING)

Yeah! That was my girl.

Oh, my God. I'm the biggest nerd.

Mmm-mmm.

Rosemary!

Ralph!

Hi.

You remember Li'iBoy?

Li'iBoy. Yeah.

How are you?

Mahalo, Rosemary.

How you doing? Great.

Wow. Do they still got you out in Sierra Leone?

No, no. Now they got me near my home.

I'm on this island in the South Pacific called Carabas.

I'm Hal.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hal.

These are my Peace Corps buddies.

This is Ralph Owens and Li'iBoy. This is Hal Larson.

What's up? Li'iBoy.

So, what are you guys doing up here?

Li'iBoy's been stuck in the office training for the last 30 days, so I dragged him up here and threw him on the slopes.

It wasn't pretty.

I knew this Hawaiian guy in high school who went out for the hockey team. It was funny as shit.

Anyway, it's great to see you again.

You look happy.

Thanks. I am.

Well, we got a long drive back, so...

Bye.

Bye. Good to meet ya.

You okay?

Uh-huh.

It's just that do you remember how I told you that once I had a boyfriend?

Uh-huh.

That was him.

You're welcome. Sure. What's your name?

Excuse me, Mr. Robbins. Can I have a word with you, sir?

Sure, but I gotta catch a plane.

It's only gonna take a minute.

A few weeks ago, you got trapped in an elevator with my friend.

Oh, yeah! Hal. He was a great guy. Yes.

He was having relationship troubles. How is he?

That's a matter of debate.

Really?

Anyway, apparently, you gave him like a pep talk, and now he's under the impression that he can get any woman he wants.

And you don't think he can?

I don't know. Whatever.

But see, the point is, lately the only women he wants are ugly.

Who says they're ugly?

Bausch & Lomb.

And very fat, some of them.

It's like Hal has lowered his whole...

Jesus, you've got a big noggin.

Thanks for noticing.

My new book has a chapter on blurting.

You might want to pick it up.

Yeah, I'll check into that.

Anyway, I mean, did something go wrong here?

Is he having a nervous breakdown?

No. Haven't you heard the phrase, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder"?

Yeah. Did you ever hear the song Who Let the Dogs Out?

It can't be that bad.

Look, exactly what did you do to him, man?

I altered his perception a little bit.

I knew it. I knew it! I knew it!

You messed with his eyesight, right? No.

No. You hypnotized him.

No. I dehypnotized him. He's been hypnotized his whole life.

He's totally focused on the outside.

I helped him see inner beauty, including people you think are not physically attractive.

How can he see their inner beauty when he doesn't even know them?

Inner beauty's easy to see when you're looking for it.

But how can he not feel them when he's...

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

The brain sees what the heart wants it to feel.

All right, look. Let's just out through the old crapcake here, huh?

Okay.

Sir, don't you think it's wrong to brainwash someone?

Don't you think you're brainwashed?

All you know about beauty is programmed.

TV, magazines, movies, they all tell you what's beautiful, what isn't.

How's this any different?

Look, I didn't come here to debate you! I just want my friend back!

Now, isn't there some kind of word or phrase or something to take the whammy off him?

Of course. But if we do that, he'll go back to judging everybody by the outside.

Is this what he really wants?

I don't care!

It's what I want! I want my friend back!

I gotta go. I gotta catch my plane. I'm really sorry.

Look, a man's reputation, dignity and furniture are being trashed here!

Perhaps irreparablyl For God's sakes, his job is in jeopardy!

His job? Really?

Yes. And it's a great job.

I just wanted to give him a gift. I didn't want him to get hurt.

You seem to know him better than I do, so...

It's a shame to let it go.

Oh, it's a tragedy.

So, what'd you wanna talk to me about?

Um, Ralph called me.

Your old boyfriend Ralph?

Well, he was also my division leader in Sierra Leone.

Anyway, he's shipping out to Carabas in 10 days, and he wants me to go with his group.

What? You and Ralph? Carabas?

They're in an economic meltdown.

100,000 people need medical supplies and food, and they want me to help.

How can you be so selfish?

Sorry?

I mean, you know what I'm saying.

You bump into pretty boy Ralph on Friday, the sparks are flying, and now you're gonna go and save the world in Carabas?

This has nothing to do with me and Ralph.

Yeah, right.

He's obviously crazy about you.

He's got the heart of a saint.

I could practically see the halo around his head. I can't compete with that.

Okay, first of all, you're probably the only person in the free world to ever refer to Ralph as a "pretty boy."

Secondly, that halo around his head, it's called psoriasis.

You can't stand near him without getting flaked on.

And thirdly, and fourthly, yes, he's a great guy and he cares about me, but he had no sense of humor.

And I'm in love with an even greater guy.

Well, then how come I don't have any say in this thing?

You do. That's why...

Oh, no! God, are you okay?

I think so.

Oh, my God. I am so sorry.

You should be sorry! It's an outrage!

I'll go get help.

Okay. Are you okay, sweetie?

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I'm so embarrassed. Don't be.

It's this flimsy-ass four-star restaurant.

Just sit right there. I'm gonna go talk to the manager, okay?

I'll be right back.

Good night. Thank you.

Look, I'm not blaming you, but I need an extra chair.

My girlfriend's jinxed when it comes to furniture.

Yeah. I know. I'm so sorry.

The waiter told me what happened.

(PHONE RINGS) One sec. Mclntosh's.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Yes.

Hello?

MAURICIO: Shallow Hal wants a gal.

What?

Shallow Hal wants a gal.

What the hell are you talking about?

I just saved your life, baby.

What?

I've been looking for you all day.

I'm at Mclntosh's with Rosemary. Look, I got kind of a...

Are you looking right at her?

No, I'm talking to the hostess. But...

Don't... Hal!

Look, I got a situation here. I'll call you later.

Look away!

Um, I was just talking to the hostess.

Right. That would be me.

No, no. It was the other hostess.

Sir, I'm the only hostess in the restaurant.

Let me apologize about the booth. We are so sorry.

We've replaced your date's side with a new chair, a strong one, and the meal's gonna be on us.

Okay.

Well, thank you.

You're welcome.

Excuse me. Did you... Did you move us?

No. Second table on the right.

Well, then maybe you can explain to me why that robust woman is eating my girlfriend's...

Hey! Now she's eating my clams casino!

Sweetie, are you okay?

(PHONE RINGS)

Excuse me.

Mclntosh's. Tiffany.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.


We're two friends walking. Just walking. Hey, come on.

And then Robbins confirmed exactly what I thought!

Which is?

You weren't irresistible to women.

He hypnotized you so that really ugly girls that you met from then on would, to you, look like Supermodels.

If they had inner beauty or some baloney.

See, you could get any woman you desired because you were suddenly desiring the undesirable!

You get it?

No, not exactly. Let me put it this way.

It's like he gave you beer-goggle laser surgery.

Now wait a second.

So what you're saying is all the pretty girls I've met lately are not really pretty?

All right. Let's look at the facts.

They were funny, smart and nice.

Pretty girls are not funny!

And they're certainly not nice! Not to us!

When I found out what he did, I had him take the trance away.

When I said, "Shallow Hal wants a gal," you were cured.

You're out of your mind. Do you know that?

I'm going back to the restaurant.

Hal. Hal, come on.

Hal!

You never called me back.

What happened to you? Excuse me?

Oh. (LAUGHS)

I've got my hair back.

It's me Katrina.

We shared the cab together.

I'm in town taking care of my grandma, 'cause, she's been sick, and...

Oh, wait a minute! I get it!

Nice try, Mauricio. Where'd you find this one?

No, it's me Katrina.

From Boston. The magical fruit?

Yes, I remember Katrina. But the thing is, you're not...

I never told you about...

Katrina! How the heck are ya? Give me some sugar.

I didn't recognize you. The hair and the...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You screwed me! I had a beautiful, caring, funny, intelligent woman, and you made her disappear!

Oh, no, I didn't.

I just made Rosemary appear!

There's a difference. It's called reality.

Hey, if you can see something and hear it and smell it, what keeps it from being real?

Third-party perspective.

Other people agreeing that it's real.

Okay, let me ask you a question.

Who's the all-time love of your life?

Wonder Woman.

Okay. Let's say Wonder Woman falls in love with you, right?

Would it bother you if the rest of the world didn't find her attractive?

Not at all. 'Cause I know they'd be wrong.

That's what I had with Rosemary!

I saw a knockout! I don't care what anybody else saw!

Jeez, I never thought about it that way.

(SNORTS)

Hey, I guess I really did screw you, huh?

(GROANS)

What am I gonna do?

Hey, hey, don't panic.

We just get Tony Robbins back here, he puts the Vulcan mind meld on ya.

Then puts you back under. Good idea.

For now, avoid Rosemary.

Why?

Because if you see the real Rosemary, hypnosis is not gonna help you.

You'll need, like, the Jaws of Life to get that image out of your head.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

ROSEMARY: Hal, open up. It's me.

I hear you in there.

Just a sec, Rosemary.

What happened to you?

I got something in my eye. I had to run back here and flush it out.

Yeah, the hostess said that you seemed a little cuckoo. So, come on, open up!

I can't. Uh...

(WHISPERING) We'll club her. No.

I'm... I'm... (MAKES VOMITING SOUNDS)

I'm very sick! I've got...

CC!

You have what?

Contagious conjunctivitis.

I'll take my chances. Now open up.

All right. In a minute.

(ROSEMARY GASPS)

I told you it was nasty.

Are you okay? Do you need to go to the hospital?

Nah, nah. I got some drops. I'll be fine.

Oh, my poor baby.

Yeah. Well, I should probably rack out.

This has taken a lot out of me.

Okay.

Um...

Well, I'll call you in the morning and see how you're doing.

Great. Great. Bye-bye.

(SWEET MISTAKES PLAYING)

♪ Pop the cork, a champagne glass

♪ Raise to the future, drink to the past

♪ Thank the Lord for the friends he cast

♪ In the play He wrote for you

♪ And if you love the girl, man, light up a torch

♪ Blaze a trail to her front porch

♪ Kiss her till your lips are scorched

♪ Till the rain comes down on you

♪ Bless your sweet mistakes

(KNOCKING)

Hal, is everything all right with you?

Yeah. Yeah, it's topnotch, sir. Why?

Well, it's just that Rosemary's been telling me that she's having a bit of trouble getting you on the telephone the last couple of days.

Now, I wouldn't be working you too hard, would I?

Uh... Uh...

No. I mean, I'm working hard, but I guess I've just been a little preoccupied with things.

But I'll make sure and touch base with her.

Right.

Right. Okay, then.

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry. You know, apparently this Tony Robbins guy is tougher to track down than I thought he'd be.

I'll come through. I promise.

I can't keep this up.

Hey, calm down.

(SIGHS)

I don't know, Mauricio. Maybe I should just see her.

I mean, I do have...

You know, the heart thing.

Maybe that's enough to overcome her appearance.

It could be like in that movie, The Crying Game.

When the guy fell in love with a beautiful woman?

When he found out it was a guy, it didn't matter, 'cause he already loved her.

Hal, if a set of hairy boys was your biggest hurdle here, I'd say go for it.

(SIGHS)

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello? ROSEMARY: Hey, it's me.

Hey, what's up, Rosemary?

What happened yesterday?

Hmm?

Well, I stopped by your office to say hi, but you just took off running.

Oh, you're kidding.

No.

What were you doing?

I was jogging.

In your business suit?

I had a sweat suit underneath.

Is everything...

What's going on, Hal?

Things haven't felt the same lately.

NO? No.

Hey, Rosemary, don't worry. Everything...

I'm just in a little funk right now, and everything's gonna be fine.

Yeah. So...

I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow? Bye.

Bye.

♪ What happened to you?

♪ I can't get to you

♪ 'Cause there's a wall in your heart

♪ That no one can get through

♪ And it's cold and it's dark

♪ And you don't have a clue

♪ But this Wall, it will fall

♪ If it's the last thing I do

♪ I'll get through

♪ This wall in your heart HAL: (FUNNY ACCENT) Who is it? Hal, is that you?

It's Jill.

(NORMAL ACCENT) Coming.

Hey, what's up?

My girlfriend just bailed on me, and I was wondering if I could take you out to dinner.

I'm sorry. Tonight's not good.

Oh, come on. Don't be such a stiff.

I want to talk to you about some stuff.

No, really. I can't.

Please? We'll go out just as friends.

Oh, come on. You gotta eat, don't you?

Can I ask you something, Jill?

Yeah.

Why the sudden thaw?

Well, I've been thinking a lot.

Hal, I made a mistake.

I shouldn't have broken it off with you.

Well, you didn't really break it off.

I mean, we only had that one date.

You did the right thing. We were going nowhere.

We had nothing in common, remember?

But that was my fault. I shut you out emotionally.

We could have had more things in common if I'd wanted to.

Mr. Shanahan, how are you this evening?

How am I? Tonight I feel like a thorn amongst a bed of roses.

Your table's ready. John will seat you.

Right this way, please.

I'm just gonna go to the ladies' room.

Okay, Rosie, we'll be at the table.


Yeah. See, why did you shut me out in the first place?

I'm just curious.

Well, frankly, I guess I thought you were shallow.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Me?

Yeah. You struck me as this kind of superficial dickwad.

I don't know. What do you call it?

Hal, it's okay. I've been watching you the past few weeks.

I've seen the women you go out with.

And now I know appearances mean absolutely nothing to you.

If anything, you're pathologically unshallow.

I don't know about that.

It's true.

Listen, I have an idea.

Why don't we get all this food to go? Why?

Because it'll taste a lot better in bed.

(SIGHS)

You know, there are a few times in a guy's life, and I mean like two or three, tops, when he comes to a crossroads, and he's gotta decide.

If he goes one way, he can continue what he's doing and be with any girl who will have him, and if he goes the other way, he gets to be with only one woman, maybe for the rest of his life.

Now, it seems like by taking the second road, he's missing out on a lot.

But the truth is, he gets much more in return.

He gets to be happy. Are you wearing panties?

God, what am I saying? No!

No, I'm sorry. Jill, this... This isn't gonna happen.

I think I'm gonna go down that other road for once.

(SIGHS)

Hi. Hello.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hey, hey, hey now.

It's me, your love bunny.

I miss you and I wanna see you.

(SOBS)

What's the matter? You sound upset.

What are you, some kind of psycho?

God.

Hello? Rosie?

Just you leave me daughter alone.

I don't understand.

The jig is up, and she knows it!

Well, she hasn't returned my calls. What's going on?

It's a little late to be worrying about that now, don't you think?

Besides, she went and accepted that Peace Corps assignment.

(SIGHS)

No offense, Mr. Shanahan, but I think I have a right to hear this from her.

I'll give you your rights. I'll give you your last rites, you self-righteous little shit!

You know, I wanted to like you. I truly did.

And all of that malarkey that you gave me that night at the house, I bought into it.

In spite of all me better instincts, I took the hook.

I don't know. Maybe I share in the blame of it all.

Maybe I just... I just wanted to believe that there was still a decent guy out there.

A lad that would be right for me daughter.

But, sir...

Don't speak! Just you listen!

Now, thankfully, as it turns out, there is a guy out there.

His name is Ralph Owens.

Pretty boy Ralph?

Don't be a smart-ass. Now you listen to me.

They're back together, and me daughter has a chance to be happy.

And you, you'll be respectin' that.

(AFTER THE GOLD RUSH PLAYING)

♪ Well, I dreamed I saw the knights in armor coming

♪ Saying something about a queen

♪ There were peasants singin' and drummers drummin'...

Excuse me. Could you tell me what floor Rosemary Shanahan works on?

I think she's up in Pediatrics.

Yeah. That's third floor.

Thank you.

♪ That was floating on the breeze

Hal, is that you?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

I...

I came to see Rosemary.

Oh, well, she left early. She seemed upset about something.

Any idea where she went?

You got me.

Hi, Hal.

Hi.

Um...

How do you know my name?

It's me Cadence.

Oh. Hi, Cadence.

How are you, beautiful?

How come you haven't come back to see us?

Um...

Well...

Me and Rosemary have been having some problems.

I was really stupid.

Oh.

Well, why don't you go buy her a present and then maybe you can make up?


You were right.

Huh?

In the gym last week when you said I was scared of women, you were right.

Nah, I didn't mean that. I was just...

No, come on, Hal. It's the truth.

I'm terrified of 'em.

I haven't been close to a woman my whole life.

I'm a coward, all right?

But why? I mean, look at you. You're a mountain of a man.

You got more style than Mr. Blackwell.

You're pulling in what, 28, 29 G's a year?

$29,500.

You're the perfect catch.

I know. I know. It's crazy.

I just have this thing.

What thing?

It's kind of a birth defect thing.

Jeez, man. I didn't know. What is it?

I have a tail.

Huh?

A tail.

What do you mean, like a story?

No, a tail. It's like a waggy tail.

My backbone is longer than it's supposed to be.

It's like a genetic abnormality.

It's a vestigial tail.

You do not.

Yeah, I do.

Get out!

You see? If I can't even get my best friend to accept it, how am I supposed to expect some woman to?

Wait a second. Are you for real?

'Cause if you are, I gotta see this.

No, you don't wanna see it.

No, I don't wanna. I gotta.

Good Lord.

All right. You believe me now?

Oh, man. It really does Wag.

Only when I'm nervous or happy.

Wow. Have you ever thought about, you know, maybe getting it cut off?

Cut off? I don't know why I never thought of that when I was getting pummeled in gym class by a bunch of barking seniors!

(BARKING)

All right, calm down.

God!

The damn thing is wrapped around an artery! No doctor will touch it!

Well, it's not so bad.

I guarantee you there's some girls out there who would think it was adorable.

Like a little puppy dog.

Really?

You think it's like a puppy dog?

It's cute as a button.

You want to pet the little fella?

No!

But, you know, I'm not much of a dog person.

Huh.

By the way, you're gonna need a little sod on the fairway there.

Huh? What do you mean?

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, what are you doing right now?

Nothing. Why? Can I get a lift?

I gotta go see someone.

Yeah. Sure. Great.

(SINGING) ♪ Feels like longer than forever, yeah

♪ My home is now a distant land

♪ If I had one wish, I wish I could be

♪ Back on that rock in the middle of the sea

♪ My heart is calling me to the islands

♪ My home is now a distant land

♪ If I had one wish, I wish I could be

♪ Back on that rock...

Hey! Hal, right?

Have we met?

It's me, Li'iBoy.

I met you up in the mountains with Ralph.

Oh, yeah, Li'iBoy. How ya doing? Yeah.

Yeah, you look like you've been working out.

Nah.

So, do you know if Ralph is in the office?

Yeah. Ralph!

Hal! Hey, Hal.

Hey.

Yeah. How ya doing?

Oh, I'm doing great. You're looking good. So, what can I do you for?

Um...

I came here to congratulate you.

Oh. On?

Look... Um...

You got a great girl, and you deserve her.

More than me.

And the truth is, I'm happy for Rosemary.

But understand this. You better be good to her, Ralph.

You better be good to her.

Ralph, if you ever... If you ever mess up and make her unhappy, I'll be waiting in the wings, and I'll pounce on you. Like a tiger!

Like a tiger on a deer, with a cloven hoof and with a broken arm!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Hal. What are you talking about?

I know you're back together. Let's not play games.

Rosemary and I aren't back together.

You're not?

Well, let's put it this way.

Her parents are throwing a going-away party for her as we speak.

I wasn't even invited.

(COMFORT EAGLE PLAYING)

♪ We are building a religion we are building it bigger

♪ We are widening the corridors and adding more lanes This seems crazy.

Yeah. That's 'cause it is.

But crazy's all you got.

Amen to that.

(SIGHS)

Good luck, Hal.

♪ It is useless to resist it, his cigarette is burning

(SIGHS)

♪ He is living comfort eagle, you can meet at his location

♪ But you better come with cash, now his hat is on backwards Well, I could use a drink.

What do you say we slide around the side here?

Yeah, we'll blend in.

Yeah.

Hello?

Rosie?

Excuse me. What are you doing... Shh.

I love you.

I'm not going anywhere until you near me out.

What are you doing?

Who are you?

Who... Hal, are you drunk? It's me, Mrs. Shanahan.

I have some things to say to your daughter and I'm not leaving here until I do.

Okay. But could you release Helga so she can get back to work?

(LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Get ready, Li'iBoy. It's show time.

Well, Hal, now's your chance.


What are you doing here?

Oh, my God. You're beautiful.

You have no right to be here.

Hal, come on. This isn't working out.

I'm okay.

What the hell are you doing here?

(MUSIC STOPS)

I'm having a word with your daughter.

Well, it better be goodbye!

You've got her all up...

Steve! Shut up.

Rosemary, I am so sorry that I hurt you.

I've been really dumb.

I'm immature. I'm unthoughtful.

I'm a friggin' idiot.

But I love you.

You're the only girl I've ever loved.

And I just didn't want you to go away without knowing that.

You really hurt me.

I know.

But if you'll let me, I want to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.

(SIGHS)

Well, your timing is terrible.

I mean, I'm leaving for Carabas tonight for 14 months.

I'm sorry, Rosemary. I just can't wait that long.

I understand.

Which is why I'm going with you.

(THIS IS MY WORLD PLAYING)

What?

MAURICIO: Yeah, it's true, Rosie.

Big Kahuna here just swore him into the Corps about a half-hour ago.

That's right. He's official.

Are you sure that's what you want to do?

Cuckoo. Cuckoo.

♪ It can never explain your heart

♪ And the touch

♪ Of my lips

(CHEERING)

♪ You want me to change

♪ I can't get used to

♪ All you want me to be

♪ And I just can't pretend

♪ To be anyone else

♪ 'Cause it's not really me

♪ This is my world

♪ This is who I am

♪ And I'm not trying to give up myself

♪ To make your life better

♪ She said

♪ This is how it is

♪ I got my own life to live

♪ And you can either accept me or

♪ And if it's love

♪ That we share Here's your bag, Rosemary. Thank you.

Congratulations, Hal.

Thank you. Hey.

Rosemary. Bye.

Just keep it right there at the airport.

I'll pick it up later. Congrats.

We love you, Rosie.

I love you, Mom!

Yes. And, Rosemary, you'd better be looking after me lad.

I will.

♪ She ain't got no money, her clothes are kinda funny Later, dudes!

♪ Her hair is kinda wild and free

♪ Oh, but love grows where my Rosemary goes

♪ And nobody knows like me...

Say bye-bye. Bye-bye.

♪ She talks kind of lazy, people say she's crazy

♪ And her love's a mystery...

You like puppy dogs, do you?

Oh! Anything to do with dogs, I melt.

Why don't we go around back, get a little drink?

Sure. Yeah? Come on, big fella.

♪ It's a feelin' that's fine, and I just gotta say

♪ Hey

♪ She's really got a magical spell

♪ And it's workin' so well

♪ That I can't get away

♪ I'm a lucky fella and I just gotta tell her

♪ That I love her endlessly

♪ Because love grows where my Rosemary goes

♪ And nobody knows like me

♪ There's something about her hand holdin' mine

♪ It's a feelin' that's fine, and I just gotta say, hey

♪ She's really got a magical spell

♪ And it's workin' so well that I can't get away

♪ I'm a lucky fella and I just gotta tell her

♪ That I love her endlessly

♪ Because love grows where my Rosemary goes

♪ And nobody knows like me

♪ It keeps growing every place she's been

♪ And nobody knows like me

♪ If you met her you'll never forget her

♪ And nobody knows like me

(COMFORT EAGLE PLAYING)

♪ We are building a religion

♪ We are building it bigger

♪ We are widening the corridors and adding more lanes

♪ We are building a religion, a limited edition

♪ We are now accepting callers for these pendant key chains

♪ To resist it is useless, it is useless to resist it

♪ His cigarette is burning but he never seems to ash

♪ He is grooming his poodle, he is living comfort eagle

♪ You can meet at his location but you better come with cash

♪ Now his hat is on backwards, he can show you his tattoos

♪ He is in the music business, he is calling you

♪ Dude!

♪ Now today is tomorrow, and tomorrow today

♪ And yesterday is weaving in and out, out, out

♪ And the fluffy white lines that the airplane leaves behind

♪ Are drifting right in front of the waning of the moon

♪ He is handling the money

♪ He's serving the food

♪ He knows about your party, he is calling you

♪ Dude!

♪ Now do you believe in the one big sign?

♪ The doublewide shine on the bootheels of your prime

♪ Doesn't matter if you're skinny, doesn't matter if you're fat

♪ You can dress up like a sultan in your onion-head hat

♪ We are building a religion, we are making a brand

♪ We're the only ones to turn to when your castles turn to sand

♪ Take a bite of this apple, Mr. Corporate Events

♪ Take a walk through the jungle of cardboard shanties and tents

♪ Some people drink Pepsi, some people drink Coke

♪ The wacky morning deejay says democracy's a joke

♪ He says now do you believe in the one big song?

♪ He's now accepting callers who would like to sing along

♪ He says do you believe in the one true edge?

♪ By fastening your safety belts and stepping towards the ledge

♪ He is handling the money, he is serving the food

♪ He is now accepting callers, he is calling me

♪ Dude!

♪ Now do you believe in the one big sign?

♪ The doublewide shine on the bootheels of your prime

♪ There's no need to ask directions if you ever lose your mind

♪ We're behind you, We're behind you

♪ And let us please remind you

♪ We can send a car to find you if you ever lose your way

(I THINK OF YOU PLAYING)

♪ I think of you

♪ Wherever you may go

♪ I know that you are only one dream away

♪ So don't give up, baby

♪ Don't give in

♪ If we try we can begin again

♪ I know what we've been through

♪ But I still think of you

♪ I think of you

♪ Whenever I get down

♪ Whenever I get weary

♪ I think of you

♪ When you're not around

♪ I wonder if you hear me call out your name

♪ So don't give up, baby

♪ Don't give in

♪ If we try we can begin again

♪ I know what we've been through

♪ But I still think of you

♪ I think of you

♪ Whenever I get down

♪ Whenever I get weary

♪ I think of you

Hey, kid. How 'bout these Rossi boots?

They fit like