Shaolin Soccer (2001) Script

What is the meaning of this check? Do you want me to cheat?

No. I'm just the middleman.

Are you playing a joke on me, or trying to cause trouble?

Do you think you can replace me if I fail?

Look at this!

I'm the only Golden Leg!

Make sure you remember that. It's not that.

I just want a kickback. Please don't tell anybody.

You're trash!

I'm sorry. Catch you later.


Golden Leg! Golden Leg!


You've been number one ever since Fung got his golden leg broken.

First as a player, then as a coach.

I'm better than Fung ever was.

Team Evil has won the Supercup the last five years.

What's your secret? Secret?

They just have the best coach.

So you're confident that your team will win again?

Are you new? Don't ask stupid questions.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Golden Leg.

Hung! Good morning.

Hung, your shoe's dirty. Let me clean it for you.

It's okay. I'll do it.

Hung, I'll get the car.

Hung, you said if I worked hard I could coach my own team.

I'm ready!

I think I can train a team to be as good as Team Evil.

Do you really think I'd let you coach?

But you said… Get real.

You're a joke.

Take a look at yourself.

This tattoo is all that's left of your fame.

Hung… I've served you for 20 years. How can you say that?

Let's be honest. Things have changed.

You used to be a great player, but now you're nothing.

I've had enough.

I've kept you around for 20 years… but it's time for you to take care of yourself.

Hung!

You've got a lot of nerve.

If you hadn't tricked me with a bad check 20 years ago… you'd be working for me right now.

It was your idea to throw the game.

Are you throwing a tantrum?

Say it a bit louder. Did you guys hear that?

Make sure the reporters can hear it.

Say what you want. Take a look at yourself.

Do you think anyone would believe a crippled has-been like you?

You… Don't be angry.

If you want to blame anyone, blame yourself.

Blame your own greediness.

Get lost.

One more thing… I hired that mob to break your leg.


Yuppies.

They're not very skilled at playing soccer.

What was that?

I said… they're not very skilled at playing soccer.

You think you can do better?

There must be a fusion of mind and foot.

What kind of fusion?

My late idol, Master Bruce Lee… invented the ultimate kick.

If you want to learn about it, I'll give you kung fu lessons.

Kung fu lessons? You look like a janitor.

My job as janitor is only temporary.

I'm a postgraduate student.

Postgraduate student?

I'm trying to develop an effective method… of promoting Shaolin kung fu.

Here's my card.

Authentic Shaolin school. Mighty Steel Leg.

Look! I know what I'm talking about.

I don't need kung fu.

I'm more of an intellectual.

It doesn't matter.

Look at this woman.

Yeah, she's sexy. So what?

No.

Watch this!

If she knew Shaolin kung fu… she wouldn't have fallen. Get me?

Shaolin kung fu can work for everyone!

Excuse me! Do you want to learn kung fu?

Are you crazy?

Look over there.

If she had studied Shaolin Iron Hand parking would be much easier.

Kung fu is wonderful.

Excuse me, do you want to learn… Here. Get lost.

Hey, you should share that with me.

Let's not fight. See that guy?

What are you doing? You're way too slow.

That's it! You're fired!

I'm sorry. Get lost!

If he knew Shaolin Flying Sword… he'd still have a job!

You think Shaolin is the answer to everything.

There is nothing more powerful. All kung fu derives from it.


People have the wrong idea about kung fu.

It isn't really about fighting.

Kung fu is a complete way of life.

I'm looking for a good way to show people… how it can make their lives better.

Enough already! But… I have important things to do. I've heard enough.

Please seize this opportunity! Cripples can still learn kung fu.

Who are you calling a cripple!

This leg has kicked hundreds of goals.

I'm sorry!

Do you know who you're talking to?

I'm the famous Golden Leg.

You're… just a bum!

You think I'm impressed? Get these cans out of here.

Okay. Right away.

Cheap trick.


Get lost.


Excuse me! Can you help me move this?

No problem!

Your leg's amazing!

Twenty cents!

Only twenty cents? How about an advance?

No way! Get lost.

SWEET BUNS


Mui, ten steamed buns please!


Using Tai Chi kung fu to make steamed buns is a brilliant idea They look so sweet and tasty Your mastery is astonishing It shows in your every movement

What are you doing?

Singing is the best way for me to express my greatest esteem.

Wow, what a beauty!

I'm not beautiful. Don't laugh at me!

I bet the steamed buns are wonderful.

Delicious!

Was that Shifting Bodies and Transposing Shadows?

No, it's Shove A Thousand Cattle with Four Tails.

Right!

That's why the buns are so tender, yet firm.

Sixty cents each. Two for a dollar.

That much?

They're worth every penny.

This is all I have.

Can I pay tomorrow? No!

Spoken with the grace and economy of a true kung fu master.

I'm a Shaolin master too.

Can I pay tomorrow? No!

Okay!

Here are some fine sneakers.

I'll give them to you, if you let me have one more bun.

I'll call the cops. Fine.

Come on, give me a break.

You're so beautiful.

Shut up!

Please stop singing.

Just pay and get out of here.

If you want to sing, do it on the mountain.

Only crazy people sing here.

I disagree with the young lady.

Just because you sing out loud here doesn't make you a lunatic.

My name is Dynamite.

My dream is to become a great composer one day.

This gentleman's song is very creative and sincere.

Thank you! You're welcome!

I also love to sing.

When I'm inspired I feel so passionate… I could explode.

My dream is to become a great choreographer


Let's go!


Have you lost your mind?

Stand straight! Put your hands down! Get to work!

Lunatics!

What's going on here?

I never should have gone for a facial… and left the place in your hands!

What do you want?

Relax. We were just having fun.

I'm here for the buns.

What about my buns?

Okay! Okay! Just a minute! Did that bum pay?

He did.

These are disgusting. Get rid of them!

First Brother!

First Brother!

Okay, okay. Keep working! Clean everything!

Are you sick, First Brother?

I've got a bit of a hangover. What do you want?

I've had a revelation. A revelation?

How to promote kung fu in a brand new way.

Not again.

Singing!

You know we're great singers. You can't deny it.

Leave me alone. We owe it to our teacher.

He's dead.

It's worth a try. Forget it.

I told you to be down-to-earth.

There's an opening here. You can clean toilets.

Don't waste your life chasing dreams.

Without dreams, we're no different than anchovies.

You are an anchovy, you shoeless small fry.

Why chase your dream? Why not.

The fire in my heart can't be easily extinguished.

Why not? Just blow it out.

But I can light it up again. Enough already!

We both have our own lives.

Please don't bother me. I have to work to support my family.

You're just going to forget about your Iron Head after all that work?

Never!

I still practice my Iron Head… every single day!

Fei!

Boss.

You idiot!

You forgot to book a band for tonight.

Don't worry, I have an idea. Tell me.

Let's combine Shaolin kung fu with singing and dancing.

What kind of Shaolin kung fu? Observe.

Is he good enough to perform on stage?

He's good enough. How about you?

Me?

Shit.

How about your Iron Head?

If you don't perform well, I'll kill you tomorrow.

Sure. First Big Brother, thank you.

- Shaolin kung fu is great Really great Shaolin kung fu is wonderful Wonderful

- I'm Iron Head Iron Head

- He's Mighty Steel Leg Mighty Steel Leg

Be serious!

- Shaolin kung fu is great Really great

- Shaolin kung fu is great Really great

- Shaolin kung fu is wonderful Wonderful

- I'm Mighty Steel Leg Mighty Steel Leg He's Iron Head

I'm choking.


It sounds like you're strangling a cat.

This song sucks.

You sounded like a dying animal.

Who wrote that garbage?

Yeah, who? Who?

Creative work is highly subjective, so I'll accept your criticism.

But it's only the beginning of the show.

Wait until we show you why we're called Mighty Steel Leg and Iron Head.

Iron Head?

I told you the lyrics were too intellectual.

I'm not Iron Head. He's… Iron Head?

Mighty Steel Leg! He's Mighty Steel Leg!

That's your Mighty Steel Leg?

I'll kill you. Mighty Steel Leg.

I'm the real Mighty Steel Leg.

Iron Head. Don't you understand?

He's the real… Iron Head.

You're so stubborn.

Do you want to fight with a customer?

Thank you so much. Happy hour went by fast.

It's time for us to say good night right now.

Let's listen to some music.

You crazy guy.

Let's see how much you can take. Thank you.


You're a bum.


Come on. Nothing to see.

You want some more? Sure you want to fight us all?

I promised my master I'd never fight.

I told you he'd wimp out!

But I expect an apology!

An apology? You should apologize to us!

You said you wouldn't use kung fu to fight.

I'm not here to fight. I'm here to play soccer.

So much for your kung fu…

Don't be such a baby. What?


I give up. I apologize!

Do you have any change?

Yes.

Thirty cents.

Are you stealing my money? Yes.

Was that Praying Mantis Style? Yes.

You should learn Shaolin instead.


Can I see your leg?

I don't care. Do what you want.

It's the real deal.

It looks like an ordinary leg.

It's Shaolin Mighty Steel Leg. It's patented.

You could use your kung fu to play soccer.

You think so?

Yes, why not.

Of course.

That's a great idea. Kung fu soccer.

Why didn't I think of that? How do I go about it?

You'll need my help.

I'm Golden Leg, the soccer star.

Now I'm a coach.

Great! You can teach me soccer. I don't know.

It's a great idea.

I'll think about it!

There's nothing to think about. We should start right now!

We've got nothing to lose.

It takes a lot of training.

Let's do it! What do I need?

A pair of shoes.

Do you have the money for the buns?

No, but… 1 threw them out.

Oh, my God!

Those sneakers were a mess. They were all worn out.

I know, I know.

If my boss sees you, she'll start yelling.

I couldn't bring myself to toss them. I fixed them instead.


First Brother, what's wrong? Are you okay?

I'm fine.

What do you want?

I finally found a great way to promote Shaolin kung fu.

Soccer!

Please leave me alone!

You got me into a lot of trouble. They demoted me.

Now I have to clean the toilets.

But we'd be great. No! Absolutely not!

If you humiliate me again, my family will commit suicide in front of you.

Committing suicide is not the answer.

Be brave. Believe in yourself.

I'm a complete loser. Please! Please don't ever come here again.

If you want to form a soccer team, just ask the other brothers.

Please, no more!

Hopeless.

Good morning, Fourth Brother.

Good morning, Sing. How are you?

Let me introduce you to a great guy. He's…

Nice to meet you!

I'm Fung.

It's an honor to meet such a great businessman.

He's got a lot of style. Fung is a soccer coach.

Soccer coach!

The world famous soccer coach.

You play soccer with your legs, right?

So, do you have a job for me?

I want you to join my soccer team. Soccer team?

I haven't had a job in six months.

You can use your Empty Hand to be the goalkeeper.

What's Empty Hand? It's been so long.

You know, I even forgot when our master died.

Listen. We're going to sign up for the Supercup Tournament.

The prize is one million dollars.

Really? You must be the smart one.

You see? You're dressed up.

Our master taught us that kung fu was sacred.

Now, you have this crazy idea to use Shaolin for soccer.

Look.

This is the group picture of our master and brothers.

I keep it under my pillow.

Great! Let's sit down to talk about the picture.

I'll call you. Keep a spot open for me.

Get lost! I really can't talk now. My clients are waiting for me.

I'm doing a million dollar deal. Can you hear me?

My driver's off today.

I lent my car to a friend and left my wallet in my office.

I can't have lunch. I never do.

I'm late! Please leave me alone.

Third Brother, you could use your Iron Shirt technique as a fullback… What's Iron Shirt?

Look. There are planes in the sky.

There are computers everywhere.

It's the 21st century. Please don't daydream.

I think we should combine kung fu with soccer.

We could win a lot of money. Are you crazy?

There's no way I'm taking time off to play soccer.

Sorry, your odds are terrible.

We don't know anything about soccer.

And let's be honest.

We wouldn't stand a chance.

In fact, the probability of winning is 0%.

Proba… Probability.

Watch.

If I toss a coin it will be heads or it will be tails.

The probability that we'd win is the same as a coin landing on its edge.

Let me try! Get lost!

I'm having lunch with a client!

You said you never eat lunch.

Time is money. I've lost a lot just talking to you!

He's Sixth Small Brother, Weight Vest.

This is the famous soccer coach, Fung.

Fung, how are you?

Lead Weight? Shaolin Lightweight.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Weight.

Fifth Brother, you want to play soccer?

Yes. If you use your Light Weight skills as a winger… our offense would be perfect. Are you sure?

Of course. Great.

Do they sell diet pills here?

It's useless.

Ever since the virus got into my brain, I just can't lose any weight.

I'm no longer able to use Shaolin kung fu Weight Vest… and I can't run anymore.

Okay, you're a little overweight, but it's not that important.

Forget it.

This was me.

I can't even get a date looking like this.

You don't know what it's like.

I do. I can't get a date either. Really?

I've read stories about your dates in newspapers and magazines.

What kind of papers and magazines? I'm sorry.

I can no longer control myself.

Please leave me alone.

Small Brother!

Believe in yourself. I know you can do it.

Everyone calls me Lazy Pig now.

You're the only one who still calls me Small Brother.

Thank you.

Lazy Pig, get me that roll of toilet paper.

The red one.


Soccer? Yes, Second Brother!

If you use Hooking Leg as a fullback, I think… We'd be perfect! Right!

You think I can still do Hooking Leg?

You just need practice.

Believe in yourself, and you'll get it back fast.

I doubt it.

Why are you washing dishes?

I thought you were a waiter.

Why? There are so many whys.

I don't know.

Why isn't my dad the rich?

Why am I going bald even though I'm so handsome?

Why aren't you going bald since you're so ugly?

Everyone else enjoyed their youth, but I had to study Shaolin?

Just to become a dishwasher? To clean up after people?

Calm down, Second Brother.

You should try to enjoy life.

Enjoy life? Stay here, and I'll enjoy killing you!

Enjoy life?

You call that toilet clean? It smells awful.

If it ever smells this bad again, you'll clean it with your tongue.


Your apartment looks great! It's well furnished.

I can't believe you work as a janitor… but live in the penthouse on the 59th floor.

You've got good taste.

This kind of apartment is so popular, I can't even get one.

The ventilation is okay. It's just a bit noisy.

Can I move in with you?

Forget it. Your brothers aren't coming.

We can find other players.

It's my fault. I'm not persuasive enough.

Not true. You persuaded me, didn't you?


We don't have much time… and you guys have a lot to learn.

So listen up and work as a team.

All right! Let's go!

Sell all my shares. Yes, all five of them!

Don't laugh.

Hold on, I have another call.

It's coming down!

You finally decided to come back down, huh?

We waited over an hour for you.

What are you doing? Playing soccer!

The ball is over there!

You! Come here!

Let me see you kick the ball.

The ball is over there. Yes. It's over there.

How can you kick it if you can't even find it?

Now, there are four basic soccer drills: pass, dribble, hold and shoot.

Coach! Shut up!

Let's get started.

Here.

Hold it.

Watch it. Concentrate.

Don't lose it. You can do better than that.

Have you never seen a ball before?

You play like an old woman.

Fung, why can't I practice with them?

Your leg is strong, but you have no control.

What if you kick the ball up and hit a plane?

Ever thought of that? No.

Small Brother. I borrowed your eggs.

What?

If you can kick an egg without breaking it, you can play with us.

No problem.

See. It's not easy.

Small Brother, stop it.

Oh, my God! My egg.

I'll get you another one.

I'll get you! How could you do that!

Concentrate.

My egg!

Yes! Yes!

Go!


Yes. Go!

What are you doing? How could you miss that one?

Get it! Come on!


He's great. He could win a game by himself.

No. It takes teamwork to win.

The game is 30 minutes, with no breaks.

We'll follow the standard rules. I'll referee.

Anyone object? Of course not.

We're honored to have Golden Leg referee.

All of us are big fans.

This is Fung! Fung!

Okay.

Sing has already had one run-in with your gang.

Let's be civilized, and just play a clean game.

Their tidy uniform and friendly faces… indicate that they are sincere. Thank you.

Relax. I'm a mechanic.

I carry this with me so I won't lose it.

I'm always on call. Yes, of course.

As I said, I'm a mechanic… and that's why I carry a hammer.

I'm familiar with your team's unusual reputation.

Don't worry.

Oh, good. I'm glad we understand each other.

You better watch out. Shake hands.


I'm open!


Third Brother!


We're under attack. Send reinforcements.

We need reinforcements!

Stand up.

Get up! Stand up now!

I said now!

What are you doing? They're killing us.

What did you expect?

You're going to let them get away with this?

You're ejected!

Are you nuts?

This is a test.

If you guys can't pass it, you shouldn't even bother playing!

We just want to play soccer, not fight a war.

Soccer is war. You must learn that.

I surrender!

I surrender!

I surrender.

You can't surrender. We're still at war.

We're not letting you go home.

I can't take it anymore.

We're not good enough to play with you.

Let me go to a doctor.

Put this on your head.

Look at you, you look like a stray dog.

Where's your dignity? I don't ever want to see you again.

Put it on your head then you can go see a doctor.

Yes, I'm a dog. I have no dignity.

Give it to me.


Now it's our turn.

What?

Their powers are back. I can feel it.


Get your shoes ready! All right!

The final attack!


I can't believe I missed.

Help!

Thank you for helping us get our kung fu back.

I'm honored to have you back.

It's our honor.

Just a second.

I'm the one who is honored.

You're going to make me rich! Thank you!

We're sorry.

Can we join your team? Please give us a chance!

Please!


Not a bad kick.

A bit more work and Team Evil will be unbeatable.

Who is this?

The cripple?

What's wrong? I'm sorry!

If it's an open tournament, why won't you let me sign up?

Golden Leg! What are you doing?

Hung! He… It's okay.

Hung, my team wants to sign up.

Anyone can sign up for an open tournament.

That's not how it works.

I'm the chairman.

I decide who signs up.

You get me? Yes.

What's the name of your team?

Come here.

This is Hung.

Hung!

This is quite a team.

I've gotta see them play.

What's the name again?

This is Shaolin… Okay.

Go ahead and sign them up.

I'll even pay your application fee.

Thank you! Don't mention it.

Cripple, you are my brother.

My shoe is dirty again.

White shoes get dirty a lot.

So… I'll clean it for you!

I'm good at cleaning. Let me try.

It's my duty.

Let me try!


Hi.

What's going on?

Where are we going?

Why are you so quiet?

I need to go home.

You're late. I won't be long.


Try it on.

No, I just want to see the quality of it.

Touch it.

I'll get it dirty.

Don't worry. Go ahead! No!

Touch it! No.

Like it? So smooth.

Want one? 1 touched it. That's enough.

Tomorrow, I'm going to play in a professional soccer game.

Really?

I'll be famous.

But if you hadn't fixed my shoes… none of this would've happened.

You're very important to me.

I'll get you anything you want.

I'll have money soon.

If you become rich and famous, please buy me sneakers.

You deserve more!

You should have more confidence in yourself.

You're such a beautiful girl, and you're a kung fu master.

You've got it all.

You shouldn't let your hair cover your face.

Come on!

Come on. Look at me! No.

Look at me!

You're beautiful!

Really?

Sure.

Is that a fly? Yes, but I missed it.

Did you get it? I did.

Sorry. I made your hand dirty.

It's okay.

You're such a beautiful girl.

Do you know that?

I guess.

Thank you! Thanks so much! You sure you know?

Where were you?

I let you bring a girl here because you promised to clean the floor.

I will get punished if you don't clean it.

Go home. I'll call you later.

Remember: be confident. You're the best.

I like your shirt. I like your socks.

Let's trade. Good.

Guys, don't be nervous. Just try to have fun.

There'll be tons of reporters and a big crowd.

Try to smile for the photographers.

Be sure to thank the fans.

Thank you!

Thanks for your support! Thank you!

They're just janitors. They're still our audience.

Thank you!

Shut up!

Where is everyone. You said… It's just the first round.

We have to make it to the finals.

Great! Let's get to the finals! Shut up!

Team Shaolin?

Look at this guy.

Look at that guy.

What's wrong?

No smoking?

What happened?

It's impossible. Just a trick.

What's going on?

Okay, it's a trick.

Let's show them what we can do.

All right!

Oh, come on!

Please play fair. Give us a chance.

Hung, it's for you.

Your tricks don't scare me!


What? Forty to zip?

Yeah!

Iron Head scores!


We bring the power of Shaolin to soccer.

Kung fu is great. It's wonderful!

I want to say hi to my parents and my Shaolin master, but they're all dead.

I also want to say hi to my friend, Mui.

Mui, how are you?

I'll see you soon.

Hi. Can I help you?

I want… I understand.

I'll take care of you.

Show us something.

Sure. Small Brother!

Great!

Can you show us more?

Sure!

Take it easy.

My brothers, today we say good-bye to our old lives and old shoes.

Hey, don't throw those around. Sorry.

Mui?

What's up?

You look great tonight.

Just a little.

It's a big difference. You're so heavily made up.

So you think I look nice?

I have big news for you. We won the soccer match.

I know. I saw you guys on TV.

Congratulations.

This is for you.

Thank you.

Let me introduce you to my friends.

Nice outfit.

Hey, let me introduce you guys to a new friend.

Is she a ghost?

This is my friend.

Girlfriend? No.

This is Mui, the Tai Chi Master I told you guys about.

Oh, nice to meet you. Your girlfriend is quite unique.

Yes. That's great.

I've never seen shoulder pads so big.

I've decided to start a new trend.

See? It's fashionable.

Don't walk around at night.

It's quite scary.

It's okay. People will get used to it soon.

It will work pretty well in football.

You want to borrow them?

Stop it. It's not proper to talk to a lady like this.

It's okay, I can take it.

Although she's a girl, she has a great sense of humor.

Mui, show us a sexy pose.

Give us a kiss.

What's wrong? Don't touch me.

Are you mad?

No, I'm not mad. Then…

I'm sorry.

We were just joking.

I know you were just joking.

I'm sorry, I didn't mind at all… Don't be like this.

Then why are you like this?

Take your hand off me… Boss!

What the hell are you doing?

I was just out playing mah-jongg.

Look at what you did to yourself? You look like a ghost.

Have you no shame? You are such a disgrace.

Hey, enough!

Mui has the right to dress how she wants.

Can't you respect that?

I think she looks very nice today. Yes.

She looks great. Don't be mean to her.

I'll yell at her if I want to. Who the hell are you guys?

They are my friends.

I agree with them completely.

I think I look beautiful now.

And I like the way I am.

If you don't like it… you can simply go away.

Who do you think you're talking to?

I'm talking to you.

You are a mean and coldhearted boss.

You're asking for it!

How dare you hit me?

I can't believe this. Who do you think you are?

I am who I am. I am Mui.

I'm gonna tell your mother about this.

Mui, well done!

We were just joking earlier. Please forgive us.

We weren't laughing at you, your sexy pose really was sexy.

Really?

Do you… like the way I look?

Well… You certainly have more confidence.

I want to tell you something.

What?

I like you.

I like you too.

Is this love?

You… You're joking.

No. I'm serious.

Absolutely not. This is not love.

We're friends forever.

Don't you think we should be friends?

It's fine.

So you'll still come see me?

I can still fix your shoes.

No, thanks. I can buy new ones.

Things have changed.

I have to think about the future.

Don't be like this.

You're crying.

Don't be that way.

I understand.

Sorry.

Congratulations! Sit with us.

Cheers!

If we win this, we'll go to the finals.

To the finals!

But don't underestimate our opponent. Underestimate our opponent!

You don't have a chance.

We haven't lost all year.

How'd they do that?

It must be special effects.


Good morning, Hung. Good morning.

Come here.

You're a lucky guy.

You're lucky to coach such a great team.

Thank you.

Iron Head and Iron Shirt is practiced as performance art on the street.

It's amusing to see your team use kung fu to play soccer… and make it to the finals.

You did a good job.

Don't waste our time.

If you forfeit the game you can join my Evil Team.

It's not a bad check this time.

You can get the money before you sign the deal.

That's a lot of money.

Enough to retire.

Of course. We're like brothers.

Thank you. But I don't think I can accept it.

What? Do you think I'm trying to trick you?

I think you've put a great team together.

I'd like you to come work for me.

Don't get upset.

Think about your future. Forget about our past, okay?

Hung, I'm not mad at you anymore.

I know it was all my faults. I can't blame anyone else.

You're lying.

I know you too well. You're too greedy to pass this up.

You're right.

I am greedy. My team is greedy too.

But we don't care about the money.

We care about the championship.

See you on the soccer field.


Pull over.

Mui! She's dead!

How?

I killed her! Impossible!

Mui is a kung fu master. You could never hurt her.

What do you want?

Revenge!

Come on. It was only a joke.

She's still alive. She just doesn't work here anymore.

Why not?

Well, we're famous for our sweet steamed buns… and Mui made the sweetest ones of all.

But now they're salty and bitter. She was ruining my business.

There was salt in them?

Yes.

Now is there anything else I can do for you, sir?

No thanks.


Hey!

We've got a game to play!


Will Team Evil score a lot of goals today?

Scoring goals is not the only way to win.

But make no mistake, we will win.


No way!

Those American drugs work better than I expected.


Actually, the referee, linesman… soccer association, soccer federation and soccer committee… all stand on my side. How can they possibly beat me?


No problem!

You rule! Good job!

You the man!


Throw-in? Are you crazy?

How can you call that a throw-in?

Hung, are you here to fight or play soccer?

I should break their legs like I broke yours!

Then you'd have a whole team of cripples!

Cripples! Cripples! At least you'd have company.

I'm sorry. I should take a break.

It's okay. Your body may leave the field… but your spirit will stay behind.

Get ready! It's my turn.

Small Brother!


Wake up! The clock already ran out.

It's only halftime. Their team is already badly injured.

They won't be able to play the second half. Go home!

You won't be able to finish the game.

Boring.

I'll dance to provide some entertainment.

No, you're not going to dance. I am!

I've had enough.

Break it up!

You want me to eject someone?

Who did that?

Did anyone see?

I'd like to see you do that to my face!

Gently.

What kind of kung fu was that?

I can't take much more!

I knew they would play dirty.

I just didn't think they would play this dirty.

They've never been this good.

They must be cheating.

Call the police.

We just have to play harder.

We can still win this!

I forgot. I left the oven on!

My wife needs me. She's about to have a baby.

Can't she wait until the game's over?

But they're killing us!

Please. I'm begging you.

I'm begging you too. Wait. Wait!

Calm down.

Calm down!

He's right!

We must pull together.

We only have eight players left.

If one more is injured, we have to forfeit.

We'll have to show these guys that we can block their killer kicks!

That's easy for you to say. You try blocking one of them.

What are you talking about?

Calm down.

Calm down!

Shut up.

I wonder if I can block them.

Shaolin Barricade Shield!

Barricade?

They can't even block one kick!

Are you okay? I'm fine.


Chun, it's Tin.

I've kept this secret for 20 years.

I love you.


Are we playing too dirty?

I don't think so. Really?

Play even dirtier!


Brothers! Go!

What?

Look out!


Get it!

I don't believe it.


Get up! If you're injured, you forfeit!

You're right. I'm fine.

The game's almost over! Use the special attack!

Special attack?


That's it. They're out of players. We won!

Team Shaolin, I only see seven players.

If you don't have a substitute you'll forfeit the game.

Those are the rules.

Any substitutes?

Congratulations!

I'm here.

I'm their substitute.

I'm a goalie.

Why do you look like E.T.?

You said I should get rid of the hair in my eyes.

What are you doing here?

I want to help.

How can you help?

Phone home. You don't belong on Earth.

I really want to help. Trust me.

Let me try. No way!

Look. You can't play in those.

Put these on.


The other side.

Go!

All right!

Watch out!


What happened?

What happened?

Boss, watch out! Don't touch me!

Boss!

Boss!


Shaolin Team wins the championship.

Evil Team's drug use leads to permanent suspension.

Coach Hung sentenced to five years in jail.


Wait.

Stop the bus.


Phone home. You don't belong on Earth.

I'm talking about thousands of dollars.

You're a bunch of losers… Don't laugh.

The grand prize is a lot of money.

I can't get it out.

I'm a postgraduate student.

Postgraduate student?

Let's start over.

I'm a postgraduate student.

What's wrong? Don't touch me.

Are you mad?

No, I'm not mad.

What's wrong? Don't touch me.

Are you mad?

I'm not mad. Then…

I am begging you.

Don't do this.

You have to help me.

Please, don't!

It's great I don't know the lyrics. Sorry.

Don't you dare!

They're just janitors. They're still our…

I heard you have amazing legs.

Cut!

This is a crescent wrench. It's for screwing… Are you sure? You're so sick.

My team is greedy too.

But we don't care about this plane ticket… Plane ticket? Are you going somewhere?


Chun, it's Tin.

I've kept this secret for 20 years.

I love you.

This is not Chun. This is Kung.

Sorry, Kung.

Please tell your wife what I just told you.

Thanks.