Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf (2015) Script

Give those who trespass against us... and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

For thine is the king... Oh, God, sorry.

For thine is the kingdom of power and the glory. Amen.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered today to give our last respects.

Pablo, who are all these people and what are they doing on my boat?

Is that a dead body? Don't worry, they're gonna get rid of it.

Damn it, Pablo!

Continue, please, continue. Go on.

I'm El Capitán, sí? Yeah.

Don't you think you should wake me up if you're gonna rent my boat out for a funeral!

I tried, okay? But you were too drunk.

But Edward is in a better place.

You idiot!

Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna have to relocate the boat.

Ignore him, he's drunk.

I may be drunk, but if we don't move this boat... we're gonna be using your husband's coffin for a flotation device!

Mother...

Cut the winch! Aye-aye, Captain!

Holy shark!


Tell me they prepaid.

Yeah, th... they paid.

How much?

It's with the widow.


Do you have any idea how embarrassing this is for me?

Well, your tank top is too tight.

Those shorts are unforgivable.

Two counts of reckless endangerment, one count of piloting a vessel while intoxicated?

If they don't find that woman you lost overboard... you're gonna have a hard time beating that manslaughter charge.

Do you have to be so loud? I'm Dominican! Maldito gringo.

Oh, no, no, stay out, I want to be left alone.

Stay out.

What happened out there?

It was a shark.

What? A big one... with... tentacles, maybe. That sounds like a hallucination.

Hallucinations don't tow boats, do they, Nina?

I've got your lab results. Do you want to know what your alcohol level was?

Not unless I set the record.

Can you at least make bail?

That was a joke, right?

I'm sorry, but this time, you're on your own.

You still have your friend on the Harbor Patrol?

Do you know what you are? A damn drunk!

It's not a holiday for me, either!

Hey, look, I may be a drunk, but I know a big fish when I see one!

There's something in that bay, Nita! You get one phone call, Ray.

What's the use? I would have used it to call you!

What's this? The blonde's a German, a Doctor Reinhardt.

Runs an anti-aging clinic on the riverfront.

Felix Rosa. You know this guy?

He was a heck of a third baseman five years ago.

What's he doing back on the island? Here for a little home cooking.

Three percent body fat, BP 120 over 75.

You are in perfect physical condition... for a middle-aged woman!

Thought you claimed to be an athlete. Baseball, is it?

So... we have something of a problem. Don't give me that, I'm a beast.

My trainer has me on a regimen of supplements. You know?

Yes, I can see that.

I assure you that my methods are significantly more sophisticated.

And completely undetectable.

Your file also says something about a conviction for domestic abuse.

That's impossible, she was two-timing me.

I don't judge, Mr. Rosa.

I assure you, I merely inquire, so that I can formulate... the correct gene sequence for your personality.

Gene sequence?

Given your current state of physical decay... only the most drastic treatment will suffice.

This will put you back in the game.

I don't need new genes. I just need a little, you know, boost.

To get back on the game.

I can take you places, Mr. Rosa, that you have never been.

Of course, this is experimental. There may be a few side effects.

I'm Papi Grande, I hit the balls into outer space!

You want to make me feel better? You get on the table and I'll put on the glove.

Your move, Mr. Papi Grande.

Know what? Screw this.

Athletes.

Your 2:00 is here... actress.

Doctor, thank you so much for squeezing me in.

They're making a new version of the Iliad and I'm up for Helen.

I am going to need a bigger needle.

Give me another.

Hey, beautifuls. I must be drunk, because I'm seeing double.

Hey, come on, I'm talking to you. Don't you want my autograph?

I sign off chest, too. You're gross, okay?

Who are you, anyways? Who am I?

Who am I? Number 40, Felix Rosa, I'm the hero of this country!

We're so impressed by that!

He used to be a baseball player.

Used to be? Watch your mouth! I'm still the greatest!

Take this loser out of here! You're the loser, bitch!

Para diablo! Out of here!

Oh, my God!

See you in a couple of days, man. Probably.

Don't tell me you sold the boat.

I would have had to sell the boat three times to bail your ass out.

Why don't you begin saying something like, "Thank you, Pablo."

So where'd you get the money? I borrowed it.

Oh, no, no, no, no. What do we owe him this time?

Nothing. When I explained to him what happened this morning... he just volunteered to help. Come on.

He just wants to talk to us. Actually we're on our way right now, and I think his sister is there. Do not even look at his sister.

You were so cute dancing. I had to dance like that, the guy was...

Did you see the guy I was dancing... I saw. It was weird!

No, it wasn't. Oh, my God, wait, hold on.

I'm so wasted right now.

Girls... need a ride to your hotel?

We're really flattered, you know, but we're not really into that kind of stuff.

I'm a cop.

Okay, hold on, I have to pee, okay?

She's going to pee. Listen, there are city ordinances here!

Better there than in the car.

What happened?

Jill? Jill!

Holy smokes!

Shark attack!

Two girls, Caucasian, early 20's.

Wait, did you say shark? Yes.

What's the code for shark?

I don't think there is one! Just send in your men!

Reinhardt!

Good evening, Mr. Rosa. I see you've reconsidered.

I'll show them. They're gonna chant my name.

Let's do this!

What is this place? This is my music room.

Music room?

Doctor, this is so freaky. What the...

They say the body is a temple, Mr. Rosa.

But all too often, it is a cage.

The mind is willing... but the human form is so limited.

Even the strongest man is a weakling compared with a wolf.

So primal... it has reaction times so fast, they border on ESP.

And for metabolic purposes... the blood of a killer whale holds five times the oxygen of a primate.

So, you're putting fish blood in me? Whales are mammals, and it's not blood, Mr. Rosa... strands of DNA... we alter your genetic structure.

Not the kind of thing they can catch with the pee-pee test.

Of course, this is not the sort of things the medical community can easily understand. What kind of doctor are you?

Do not worry, Mr. Rosa. I studied with the best.

Will it hurt? Oh, yes, Mr. Rosa.

I hope so.


Okay.

All rise! For his eminence, Chief Francois Tiny!

Sit down.

Can I offer you a drink? Whiskey.

With or without the chicken blood? Straight.

This generosity is well appreciated. Christian charity.

Hallelujah. Ave Maria.

You see Catholic priest, they worship the same God I do.

But in they hearts, they only have room for one God.

But Tiny's heart? C'est grande.

That's why they call me a Voodoo priest.

It's an outrage. Oui! It's an outrage!

The police, they hunt me day and night.

If you think that I have any influence with Inspector Morales.

I mean, she hates me more than she hates you.

I hit the balls into outer space.

How was that? More... more.

More.

No, I don't think that would be a good idea.

Yes.

No. Yes.

No!

Please... stop!

If you had lived, you might have been something special.

Guten abend.

Tell me about that creature you saw.

Who, us?

It was a gray...

Did it look like this? Yes. What is it?

Le Sharktopus? Dude, seriously, you don't have internet?

That thing was in Mexico six months ago.

Then off to America, it was on Facebook. The damn thing has a Twitter account.

He already followed me back. And he's trending topic.

I told you, man, thing's got mad juju.

When you bring me the sharktopus heart...

I will make magie d'amour so strong, that no woman will be able to resist me.

Not that I need it. Me being a superstar, I dust 'em off like flies.

Hey, maybe you can hook me up, and I get a shot with your sister.

If you touch her, I'll cut off your balls.

And make him eat 'em.

I'll give you until noon tomorrow.

I'm glad that you think so highly of me as a fisherman... but this fish is not your average marlin. I mean, maybe we can make another trade.

I could give you Pablo. What?

Captain Ray, this is not a request.

It is a must-do thing.

All right, off you go.

Auf wiedersehen.


A human subject with a high tolerance for steroids... is vital to the success of combining various animal DNA to the host DNA.

Their prize is hybrid DNA, and slowly be consumed from the inside out of this new being.

No, you will not hurt me.

If you do, who will care for you?

You're better this way.

Free from the constraints of human morality.

You are beautiful.

Papi... grande.

Still the hothead, I see.

But of course, you're a little grumpy. You've had nothing to eat.

What about a little rat-wurst?

I see... well, a scientist must be prepared to make sacrifices for her work.

Bon appetit.

I believe you are still a work in progress, Mr. Rosa.

Please sit.

Sit!

You definitely overdid it with the treatment.

Your human DNA is rapidly disintegrating. It's all very unstable.

You really should be dead, Mr. Rosa. Moon.

There must have been some catalyst... something that triggered the initial transformation.

Some kind of radiation.

Moonlight?

Well, wolves are certainly sensitive to the moon, and orca?

The tides?

Why not?

Know what, man? Next time, I'm leaving you in jail.

You always say that.

Hey, you think Tiny would notice if we gave him a cow's heart instead?

Chief Tiny's not the kind of man we want to mess around with.

Hey!

Hey, look who it is!

Yeah. Man, haven't been on this boat in ages.

So, what brings you around here, Nita?

You were right, Ray. About... what?

About the shark thing... I saw it last night.

That must have been very exciting for you. Ray, it killed two girls.

You must come down to the station with me, make a full report.

They won't believe me, otherwise.

People can be such skeptics. Yeah, they're not gonna believe her.

Hey, listen, we're... we're about to head out.

So, unless you're gonna arrest me, this will have to wait.

You have a charter? We're gonna go fishing.

Pleasure fishing.

Such a terrible liar, Ray. It's one of your few redeeming qualities.

Nita, we're going after it.

Really? Yes, really.

Then I'm coming with you. Oh, no! It's too dangerous.

What he said. It's... it's really dangerous and...

It will be more dangerous without me, Ray.

No, no, no.

Okay, darling. Okay?

But let me give you a little refresher course on maritime conduct.

As you say, you have not been onboard in a long time. This is my boat!

I'm the captain. While onboard, you will love, fear, and obey me.

If you don't, you will walk the plank, swab the deck, or clean the head... depending on my mood. Are we clear, Inspector?

Permission to come aboard, Capitan?

Take off your shoes first.

Excuse me.

Nita! Long time, no see! Hey, Captain Phil!

You know, I got a reputation out here as an eligible bachelor.

You're gonna spoil it.

We have to go further up the shore. It was way past the second buoy when I saw it.

Hey, Pablo! One of the deck hands is talking to me out of turn.

Make her walk the plank.

I know you don't want to hear this, but I'm actually kind of enjoying being out here.

You know what? He kind of misses you bad.


Dr. Reinhardt?

Oh, dear... late night?

I had a visitor.

Doctor, you gotta stop with these one-night stands.

They'll be the death of you. Don't be such a prude, nurse.

It is your old-fashioned attitudes about sex that are gonna show your true age.

That policeman, Huerta, called last night. Perhaps we'd better take precautions.

I made a breakthrough. It was simply a matter of dosage.

Doctor, if you keep working like this, you're not gonna live long enough to enjoy your success.

I'll live. It's the rest of you that I'm worried about.

Doctor! What kind of visitor was this?

Why don't you ask him yourself.

He's been waiting all morning to eat you.

I'm really sorry, it's just that he wanted to taste a brunette.


Oh, my God! Help!

It's not like sonar on a submarine. I can only see what's underneath me.

In fact, I think we just went over something.

Pablo, come take the helm! Okay!

Wait 'til we get to the middle of the channel and I say hard to port.

Hard to port. All right.

We're gonna get this thing. Keep your eye on him.

I got it!

When we get close enough, I'm gonna try to tag him with this buoy!

So we know where he is!

Tell me when it's close enough.

That's close enough!

I hope.

Great shot, man!

Hard to port! Hard to port! Hard to port!

Ray? I don't think that was a good idea.

I think you're right! Go, go, go, get out of here!

Okay, full throttle!

Keep your eye on it! You got your eye on it!

It's coming.

Are you all right? Yeah.

Do you have something bigger? What?

A harpoon or something. What happened? What is it?

Get us out of the channel! Something's wrong, man.

Ray! We're fouled! Stop the boat!

Ray, look out!


Ray!

Yeah! We did it!

Nita? Nita?

Pablo! Nita's overboard! What?

I'm gonna throw her a lifeline!

Get her!

Ray!

Where did it go?

Ray!

Pablo! Ray!

Ray! I'm coming.

How is she? She's okay, she's okay.

You should kiss her. What? No, let's just get her on the boat.

Okay, good idea... then you'll kiss her.

Pablo!

Hey, give her to me. No, no, I got her.

No, I got her. I got her, get the door.

Okay, but I do the PCR. CPR, she doesn't need it.

I'll take her clothes off. Pablo!

She's so calm and quiet.

It's 'cause she's sleeping... sort of.

Your 2:00 is here. Send her in.

Oh, my...

You're before His Highness, Chief Francois "Tiny".

Chicken.

So, what do you need with Chief Francois Tiny?

I came down here to see this doctor and her anti-aging clinic.

And she said that she wasn't going to help me unless I agreed to splice my genes with some sea cucumber or something.

And I'm like, "Okay, fine, as long as it's kosher."

And then she's talking about side effects and playing that opera music... and the whole thing had a kind of "Paging Dr. Mengele" feeling.

I do not follow, lady.

Okay, long story, short.

The bellhop from my hotel said that you have a big juju.

So I came here to see if you can tell my future.

I want to know if I'm gonna get the part I'm after... if the operation is a success.

I want to know if I'm gonna marry a rich guy and have so many shows!

Just because I am a big fan of your stage work...

I will do you a reading. Great!

Oh, dear! What is it?

Is everything okay? Is it that bad? What, what, what?

Are you familiar with the Time Life Network?

Yes! I watch it all the time! I love it!

Hey, Ray?

Yeah. How is she?

Man, she's fine, she's sleeping. How's the engine?

I think we broke the gasket on the manifold.

That's impossible, let me see.

We got company.

Listen, moi. Listen, moi, s'il vous plais.

Chief Francois Tiny request a report on your progress.

A report. Well... you tell Chief Tiny that we're having a little engine problem here... and as soon as we get it fixed, we'll get back to him.

You have blown your gasket.

Fix it. Okay.

You tell Chief Tiny, he'll be eating shark fin soup...

And calamari. And calamari in no time at all.

You two are full of crap! Hey!

It's not the first time somebody's said that to me.

Fix it.

Alize.

Screw this! Screw Sharktopus!

As soon as we fix this boat, we're out of here.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what I'm talking about.

Hey.

Hey.

What happened? You had a terrible nightmare.

You dreamt that you broke up with me and started living this miserable, boring life.

Ray, where are my clothes?

Well... you wouldn't believe me if I told you.

What are you doing?

Cleaning up.

Do you still do that crazy soup of yours?

Ray Brady's bouillabaisse is not a soup. It's a seafood extravaganza.

Several of the key ingredients are now illegal to purchase so...

I switched to the canned stuff.

It's way better.

Throwing this out.

There's still something in that one.

Wait a sec, that's full, how'd that get in there?

No, no, no, that... this goes over here.

No, it doesn't. Yes, it does.

Ray, I'm the one who organized this kitchen.

It's not a kitchen, it's a... It's a galley.

Galley.

Hey! So you're up?

I'm not interrupting anything, am I? What do you need, Pablo?

Well, we need a new head gasket... Oh, God.

...we need a new fuel line.

Right now, Ray, I just need a break.

There you go. Hey!

It's El Soltero! This is my favorite show.

Hey, Ray, is that your hand on my shoulder?

Earlier on El Sortero...

Bachelor Mike made a tearful farewell to Susan.

I just don't think he understood how much I need the approval of others.

Oh, look at that. She's had such a rough time.

And he found romance with Tiffany in the hot tub.

When you finally found someone who really shares your faith... that's the most important thing.

Come on, Ray! How can you watch this crap!

I love this show. They're filming this in Santa Domingo.

The relationships that these people have are pathetic.

Well, maybe not as pathetic as the one you two have.

I'm just saying...

All right, guys, rolling!

Earlier on El Sortero...

Lisa, when we were out there drinking champagne from hot air balloons... it really meant something. And I think we can be together.

And Jenn, Jenny, you're incredibly intelligent, well-read, you fight diseases in third world countries.

We have nothing in common... but...

The line! Give me the lines! Sometimes opposites attract.

Sometimes opposite attracts.

So, I have to go with my gut now.

So...

Lisa, this is for you, baby.

What should I do? What should I do? Run, you fool! Run!

You got that, right?

Inspector Morales.

Ray.

Try it now. All right!

Way to go, amigo! Yeah!

Hey! That was Huerta.

There's been another attack at the resort. Don't worry. That's so far away from here.

But it just happened. If we head there now, we might be able to help.

Listen, sweetheart, hey, listen... that's a good one, but we barely made it out alive from the last run-in.

Yeah, but we've seen it. We know what it can do.

Exactly my point.

People's lives are at stake here, Ray.

Do we have enough fuel to get to Belize? Yeah, sure, I think we do.

Hey, listen, hey, I'm sorry, but I've got other problems.

Hey, Nita! I don't want you going after that thing alone!

It's called responsibility, Ray. It's not something you'd understand.

Fine, go! I won't be there to save you this time!

I cannot play with you right now.

I need to try and find a replacement nurse.

Stop that! Do not chew on the specimens!

My goal was always to create a perfect human specimen.

And at this point, you're not even human.

So, if you're gonna behave like an animal, I insist you be a well-behaved one.

I went to the pet store.

These are for you.

No, they're for being good.

And good means...

using the wee-wee pad.

I call this your office, because this is where you do your business.

Okay, you are going to be an outdoor pet.

You should wait 15 minutes before you go swimming!

Attention, all units, there is a gang fight at Pier 4.

That's just a few blocks away.

This is Huerta and Morales, we're on our way.

Everybody go! Run away!


What the hell is that?

Wait!

What the hell is that?

Beats me.

This is a gang fight?

Got any ideas?

Oh, look! Shoot the tanks!

You know what, Ray? If the wind stays down, we can make it to Belize by nightfall Tuesday.

A toast. Not another one.

To another successful retreat in the face of personal responsibility.

I'll toast... for the ones that go away.

And they always go.

To Nita. That calls out for the good stuff.

I save it here, because I knew you wouldn't find it.

But we gotta finish this first. Oh, sure.

It's the good stuff, man.

Oh, my God! That's the good stuff, right?

What's in that bottle? It's the good stuff!

The good stuff.

Oh, I love it. So much better.

Oh, it's burning!

It's voodoo! It's the voodoo man! What?

We didn't give him the heart! And now he's punishing us!

You don't really believe that voodoo crap!

You don't put a needle in there!

Captain Ray, how are you feeling today?

Peachy.

Listen, that whole sharktopus thing, it's... it's too dangerous!

Okay, okay, I get the point!

Captain Ray...

I am a man of many virtues.

But patience is not one of them.

You will bring me the creature's heart.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay, okay.

What the hell was that?

The tentacles, I've seen before, the other one is new.

Inspector Morales, repeat the previous message.

We need an ambulance and a SWAT team!

No, the part about the half-whale, half-wolf.

Just send your men! If this is somebody's idea of a joke...

It's no joke! Call the Navy, the President, maybe the Pope! I don't know!

I don't think they're listening to us. Maybe we need silver bullets.

It's gonna take more than that.

Damn it, Pablo! Oh, man!

I told you we can't make a weapon out of household appliances!

Now we have no way to kill Sharktopus.

And no blender... it was my favorite blender, man.

It was my mom's blander.

Attention, the Coast Guard has issued a small craft advisory.

Sharktopus! All ships must stay in...

They're trying to evacuate people, so they won't cause a panic.

So what do we do now?

I've got a better idea.

Look, you don't have to be afraid of anything, okay?

But the other girl... The other girl, she's gone, my dear, and you know what that means. You have the opportunity to find the love of your life on national television.

Besides, we are miles away. You're totally safe.

Okay?

Alex! Lock it up!

Carrie.

Jenn.

Carrie, I really never expected to have to make another decision so quickly.

And we got it going on in the hot tub.

But, frankly, your reaction to the violent death of my last soul-mate... showed me a whole, different side of you.

And they said season 27 was getting stale?

And, Jenn... obviously, I was ready to say goodbye to you, but I am a man of faith... and I wonder if He isn't trying to tell me something by sparing your life.

If you take the flower, you'll die! I don't want any flower.

I don't want it, either.

They don't want the flower!

That's ridiculous! There's nothing to be afraid of!

It's just an ordinary and average flower.

Mike, give it to me! But I don't know if you share my faith.

You, you, and you, follow me.

Now, toughen up!

This is a dangerous business.

You know how many men died filming The Hills?


Who cares about the gangs? These things ate half the gangs.

Get eyes on these things!

Sounds like werewolf's on the move. You want to follow him?

Not until we figure out what we're dealing with.

What? All you think about is food.

You don't need a scientist, you need a maid.

Somebody to feed you and clean up your slime.

Well, I am going. Not that you care.

I thought we had something special.

A chance to revolutionize the study of genetics.

Maybe even create a master race in our own image.

Tell me it was all worth it. That you're going to do something bold with your life.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Please, please, not on the face.

This was your better idea, man?

Just to get us drunk?

Captain Phil! Hey, did you catch anything?

Poquino! Got some bites today!

You know, when I was a little boy, I had this model plane... and I wanted to put it together, it was so cool.

But I couldn't figure that thing out for the life of me, so...

Wait a minute. When I was smarter and bigger and taller...

Wait a minute. I've seen that model! I've seen it!

You don't know that plane.

I threw it away a while ago, I was cleaning up.

I was afraid you were sniffing the glue.

Thanks, Pablo. I hated that plane thing!

It made me feel like such a freakin' idiot!

According to the internet, Sharktopus was some kind of a genetic weapon.

But there's no mention of a Whalewolf, or anything like that.

There must be a clue... somewhere.

Hey! What about her? The steroids doctor?

You said she was advanced. Yeah, yeah, but come on.

Dr. Elsa Reinhardt, German national, studied medicine at Oxford... and molecular biology at MIT.

She's on the No Fly List.

Her clinic is right on the route, only a couple of miles from the first attack.

You ready for this?

Reinhardt used to work in the same clinic where Sharktopus was created.

You want to call in SWAT? No, let's check it out first. I'll drive.

Oh, my God.

You know, I'm gonna get him to fix us something new, 'cause this is stale.

It's really stale.

Captain Phil! Hey!

Captain Phil, you got any fish you could spare?

Hey, man, hey, you okay, man? Captain Phil?

Pablo! Pablo!

Pablo!

Pablo! Pablo!

Hey! Cut me loose! Cut me loose!

Go! Let's go, man!

Thank you, Pablo! Thank you!

We're eventually gonna kill it and take its heart!

You crazy? This is way better.

Maybe we can take this to Chief Tiny.

It counts for effort. Here.

You carry it. I'll do the talking.

Hello, Humane Society, this is George, how may I help you?

I need to give my animal away, quickly.

Okay, is there a reason you're relinquishing your pet?

I am changing my name and I'm leaving the country.

Is the animal housebroken? The house is broke, yeah.

What's the breed? Mixed.

Any idea of its heritage?

No, I made him from scratch.

Ma'am, I'm really just trying to get an idea of his size.

Big. More than 100 pounds?

Yeah... Well, we...

And he had very big fins when he was a puppy, so probably still growing.

He likes people, fresh if you can get some.

Is there any chance you could take the dog with you?

Because there are hundreds of animals in our shelter... and it's likely we'll have to put him down.

Oh, good luck with that one. Wait a minute, I think I hear him.

Go away! We are through! Get in the water and swim away!

Go! Shoo! Shoo!

Maybe I take you for a walk later if you are good.

Oh, it's nothing, it's just dry cleaning.

I was thinking of getting you a cat to play with.

Do not do anything rash, Mr. Rosa.


I'm really more of a cat person.

Come on.

Anybody in there? This is the police.

We don't have a warrant.

Check around back? Door was open when we got here.

Dr. Reinhardt?

Dr. Reinhardt?

Dr. Reinhardt!


Dr. Reinhardt?

Huerta?

Is that you?

Bingo. Huerta! Huerta, get in here!

This is it!

Nita!

Huerta?

Nita. Huerta!

Get out!

What happened?

Get out.

Huerta!

Huerta.

Run!

Dr. Reinhardt... what the hell have you done?

The ultimate experiment.

All my life, I was trying to make the perfect person.

But there is no such thing.

You had success! You brought me the creature's heart.

What makes Sharktopus special is that he's got... tentacles. Yeah, you know?

You know, because all sharks have heart, there's nothing special about a heart.

You see the problem with Americans?

I'm telling you... No sense of romance.

The heart is always the most important part.

But for my purposes, this may work.

Guess we better lock up all the women and young ladies.

What are you talking about?

You think I need the Sharktopus to make a...

Love potion #9. Yeah, sure.

No, the Sharktopus is way too strong.

Why should I waste it? You said it.

I don't need two drunken fools to tell me my business.

Oh, no, he's the drunk, I'm in rehab.

Captain Ray, do you like to go to rooster fights?

What, no, I'm against cruelty to animals.

Francois Tiny loves it very much.

Yeah, us, too, we go all the time. I don't judge. I don't judge.

In my house in the country, we have an entire room dedicated to my prized cock.

I treat them very well, you know... good food, air conditioning.

I treat my cock better than I treat these men.

That's unfortunate. No!

It is a great success.

Yes, Chief Tiny's cock... is the biggest, the strongest, in the island.

I'm undefeated! You want to know my secret?

Please, no more secrets. I don't want to know anything else.

My cock loves to fight.

'Cause I have too much juju. Here it comes.

Like these men, each more loyal than the other.

'Cause they feel it... in here!

I can feel it!

Sharktopus and I will be one!

Off you go! Your debt is paid.

My men will escort you to your boat.

That's how you treat people. You are to leave this island... never to return. That's not part of the bargain.

You're right, it is not a bargain.

It is a must-do thing.

Chief Tiny... Off with them.

Tiny, I mean, God... Let's go.

If today is my last day on this God forsaken island...

I'm gonna subject myself to her abuse one last time.

Ray, thank God it's you. No, Nita, I'm calling to say goodbye.

Shut it! Listen, I'm in a clinic at 22nd and Republic Avenue.

A clinic? Are you pregnant?

What? Is Nita pregnant?

No! No, no, no, she's not pregnant.

Call it in, the creature's here.

Look, can we make a pit stop? No!

Pablo'll make it worth your while. What? No!

He'll wear that dress you like! That sounds good.

Nita! What the hell is this place?

Nita! I hate hybrids.

Let me hit it!

Nita! Get up!

Nita!

Nice shot!

Get the laptop.

Get the laptop! I'm getting her to the car!

What do you think you're doing? Wait, wait!

Why did you get out? Likikata!

Seatbelts!

He's eating them! He's eating them!

You should let me drive! You're under the influence, look at your neck!

So are you! He's been driving like that for 20 years.

Go faster!

Ray, it's coming! It's coming, Ray!

Oh, my God, look at thing!

Look out! It's fast!

Go faster, man! Go, you gotta go faster!

Hang on!

Nita, Nita, are you with me? Come on, stay with me, Nita!

Hey, get these cars off my bridge, I got a tanker coming through.

We lost it.

Look out! What the...

They're moving the bridge! We're trapped! We gotta get out of here.

That thing's right behind us!

No! We can't... Hold on!

What are those idiots still doing on the bridge?

What is that thing?

Oh, my God! Oh, my...

Hold on!

Oh, my...


Holy mack...

Man!

Where are you going? I'm getting you to the hospital!

But you're leading them right into the middle of the city, Ray.

Take me to the hospital, man!

And of course, Columbus never discovered the Indian spices he was looking for.

But he did bring back a host of new plants and animals, never before seen in Europe.

The avocado, the tomato, the turkey, and, of course, the...

Not the pigeons!


The nightmare scene, as two mutant creatures wage war in the streets of the capital.

We go now to live footage from the Central Plaza.

Who watches this crap?

Sorry, man! Your arm, sorry.

Please! I'll get a nurse. I'll get a nurse.

The situation is under control and that injuries from these attacks have been minimal.

Excuse me, ma'am, my friend's in a lot of pain.

We'll be with you in a moment.

Sorry, Pablo, can I get you anything?

Actually, can you get me a soda?

Do you got any change?

Just let me know if you have any updates.

How's Pablo?

He's okay. He keeps saying it's my fault.

I think he's laying the groundwork for a workman's comp claim.

How's your neck? It's fine.

Listen, Sharktopus and Whalewolf are destroying the city.

Now we've lost track of them. Did you just say Whalewolf?

You got a better name?

I gotta figure out where Whalewolf is and what it wants from Reinhardt's laptop.

She was splicing together genes from every corner of the animal kingdom.

I don't get this. Here, let me take a look.

Okay, Professor Brady... please explain it to me.

You know what? That's always been your problem, Nita.

Now I just saved your life for what, the second time today?

And you'd think that you could give me some credit.

Sorry. Thank you, Ray.

You ever thought that underneath this strong masculine facade is a renaissance man, the one that women would want to live with for the rest of their life.

The one that your mother says is a keeper! Just look at the files, Ray.

Are you kidding me, girlfriend, I have no idea, no clue how to even get on that internet, webby thingy.

This is before.

And this is the after.

What, you dyed your hair? That's the same face.

What happened to your massive plastic surgery?

I'm a natural beauty. As your agent, I have to tell you, there are very few roles for women in the late, late, twilight of their career.

But I feel so much younger! I have the legs of an 18-year-old.

Are you keeping them in the freezer?

You know, I was thinking, we should submit to that horror movie.

As one of the zombies. No, the sexy college student.

I don't think I heard that right. The island breeze has rejuvenated me.

I know you did horror when you were younger, but movies are different now.

They have sound.

There's no way on earth you can be cast as a scream queen!

Are you trying to audition?

Oh, no, no... sweetie, I'm sorry, that scream is just not believable.

Reinhardt never worked in any weapons program.

She mostly worked with actresses and athletes.

If I only knew which one. What good would that do?

I don't know, we could find out the weakness.

Wait! That's Felix Rosa. What about him?

In the lab, when that thing grabbed the stick from Pablo and swung and hit him?

That swing, that was Felix Rosa. How do you know?

When that SOB tanked in the series against Boston, I lost two grand.

I'd know that lousy swing anywhere. But why would it be after Sharktopus?

Rosa was always kind of a prat. He's one of those guys that thinks he's the top dog.

Kindred spirit, Ray?

When his RBI's started to fade, he started swinging at refs, fans, women, anything he could hit.

Now that's a relief. What?

Don't get me wrong, Ray. Monsters fighting in the city... it's going to kill the tourist trade.

But random violence, it's better than organized aggression.

If one of those creatures was controlled by somebody following orders?

That would be a real problem.

Well... What?

Chief Tiny, he's an eccentric guy, I mean, but his master plan...

I mean, it wouldn't really work, I mean, cock fights...

What does Chief Tiny have to do with this?

He... well... he may have a way to control Sharktopus.

Are you involved in this, too, Ray? Involved is sort of a gray area.

I gotta get there now! No, no, no, you don't!

I can talk to him. Maybe I can get him to help us out.

You stay here. You gotta find his weakness. You got the computer, find his weakness.

He likes to hit balls and women.

Balls and women.


It's still missing something.

Easy, fellas!

Yes, yes, I understand. Thank you. That was the Undersecretary of Defense.

He said he's ready to call in an air strike, but he's worried about civilian casualties.

He won't give the order unless the creatures are in an isolated location.

Isolated? How are we gonna do that if we don't even know where they are?

Think, think. I'm trying.

The lab is destroyed, Rosa doesn't have a home on the island.

If you were Whalewolf, where would you go?

I don't know, the mountains? The jungle?

Hey, maybe they swam to Florida by now.

He's Dominican, not Cuban.

That's it!

The only place a Dominican baseball player would go... the baseball stadium.

Make a u-turn, we just need both creatures there, then call the airstrike.

We found this guy lurking outside.

I wasn't lurking, I was knocking, there's a difference.

What are you doing here?

I know you told me to like leave the island but, well...

I got this teeny, tiny... teeny, tiny, tiny favor, Tiny? Teeny...

Allez vous. You ain't got nothing left to offer me.

There's another... there's another creature.

I mean, if you can control Sharktopus. If?

Perfect! Perfect! You get Sharktopus to eat likikata... and the President said that he'll pardon you.

My dear Captain Ray... with Sharktopus...

with the aid of this voodoo doll, my bitch...

I will be the government.

And besides, I already heard of this new demon.

And I will control him, too... like Sharktopus with this, though.

Well, if you're not gonna help, then you leave me no choice!

I will use my... judu-kung-fu-ro...

And then you'll come on this, how do you say... then you'll be my bitch!

You think I'm an idiot! How about we just have a drink?

I am the great Chief Francois, descendant of the last Tonga king!

Don't you think I would know these parlor tricks?

Absolutely.

But since you want to play this juju game...

I will teach you a lesson on how it's really done.

This is mean-man etouffle, Sharktopus stew.

It already gives me insight... into the mind of Sharktopus.

The Sharktopus voodoo doll is the key!

And with the tentacle, it is activated.

But the bond will be stronger...

if we add some sacrificial blood... human blood.

Take him to the alley and gut him.

Now, what part of the government do I destroy first?

How...

Son of a...


Sharktopussy, mega-puss!

You let him go? You idiots!

So now I know what kung-fu juju does.

Vamos!

Salgan, rápido.

Is that everyone? Yes.

Good.

Nita! Ray, what's up?

Well, you know, same old, same old. Where are you?

The baseball stadium. I thought given its history, Whalewolf might be here.

But I need Sharktopus here, too.

I might be able to help, if I can find just find the on switch... on this voodoo doll. Shoot.

Ray? Ray?

Nita, Nita!

Nita!

Pablo! Hey, over here!

How's that net coming?

No sign of Whalewolf! That buys us time.

It's not like a boat's engine, you know? But we're gonna get there.

I think it's gonna hold.

It only needs to hold for a few minutes, long enough to jolt them.

Perfect, then we just need the creatures.

Can you give me a hand? Let's get the other side.

Sure.

So exactly how's this gonna work, Pablo? Well, this net is made out of metal.

We're gonna run 60,000 volts through it... and whatever touches it, is gonna go up in flames.

That will hold him until the jets come here.

I'm completely lost.

Who am I kidding, I have no clue how to turn this thing on.

It is very simple, Captain Ray.

You just have to feel it.

That was for your insolence, this is for your doubt.

Feel that! Get mama.

I'm...

I'm a ve...

This really works.

I've got... I've got the juju!

I've got the juju!

I control you!

Friends?

I guess not.

I hate sharks!

There's something fishy about this place.


Excuse me. Excuse me.

This is gonna be bad.

So this should take care of him. Are you sure this is gonna work?

Well, I hope it does, I mean, once we turn on the lights, it should.

What was that? Find a control booth. It's up above us.

Oh, no!

Okay, again, where am I? Where am I? Where am I? Where am I? Where am I?

Thanks.

Excuse me. I saw them first.

They're just my size!

Run! Run for your lives! Run!

It's... run for your lives!


Hello? Anybody home?

This place stinks.

Not even a monster would hide in here.

Oh, no, come on!

Gotta start somewhere.

No.

Like shooting fish in a barrel.

This one...

That's not good.

Okay, stay like that.

Come on, you can do it!

Doesn't say lights.

Ray!

You got Whalewolf?

It's over there!

Where's Sharktopus? He's on his way! Where are the jets?

I need the Air force, now!

Command, this is Hunter leader, inbound. ETA, two minutes.

I don't have a few minutes!

That thing has been after me, chased me everywhere. It's been on me! I can't lose it!

Isn't that the thing that controls it? It's supposed to, but it doesn't work.

Come on! You stupid machine!

That's it.

Goodbye, Sharktopus!

One down.

Go! Let's go! Come on!

Go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go! I got this!

Want to play fetch, boy?

Get 'em, boy! Go get 'em, boy!

Good doggy!

Attaboy!

Target in range, time to screw this pooch!

Ray!

Ray, look, look!

Come on!

We did it! We did it!

Hey, I saved you again! That's the third time today.

This is a "kiss me" moment.

Look, one in a kind... one of a kind. Save the day, save the day, save the day.

Shut up and kiss me.