Shaun of the Dead (2004) Script

Bartender: Last orders, please.

Liz: Shaun. Yeah?

Do you see what I'm saying?

Yeah, totally.

I know he's your best friend, but you do live with him.

I know.

It's not that I don't like ed.

Ed, it's not that I don't like you.

It's all right.

It'd just be nice if we could... Fuck.

Spend a bit more time together. Bollocks.

Just the two of us. Cock it.

It's just with ed here, it's no wonder I always bring my flatmates out, and then that only exacerbates things.

What do you mean?

Well, you guys hardly get on, do you?

No, what does "exacerbate" mean?

It means to make things worse.

Right, right.

Well, I mean, it's not that I don't like David and di, you know.

Guys, it's not that I don't like you.

It's all right.

And it's not that I don't want to spend time with you, 'cause I do.

It's just ed doesn't have too many friends.

Can I get any of you cunts a drink?

Anybody? Both: No, thank you.

I know friends are important to Shaun, but you do actually have to set some quality time aside for yourselves.

Yeah, I mean daffs is always taking me to see these listed buildings, and, you know, I'm always dragging him to the theater.

I'm not so hot on theater.

Dianne: Well, how about a nice meal?

It's your anniversary soon, isn't it?

It was last week.

Oh. Did you do anything special?

We came here. Ed: Shaun. Hog lumps.

Shaun, what I'm trying to say is I need something more, more than spending every night in the Winchester.

I want to get out there and do more interesting stuff.

I want to live a little.

I want you to want to want to do it, too.

Listen to me. I'm beginning to sound like your mum.

Not that I'd know what she sounds like.

You still haven't met his mum?

Not yet.

Don't you get along with your mum, Shaun?

No. It's not that I don't get on with her...

Are you ashamed by your mum, Shaun?

No, I love my mum.

I love his mum. Shaun: Ed!

She's like butter. Ed!

Both: Shaun! Guys.

Look, I understand what you're trying to say, okay, and I agree.

We should get out there. We'll start tomorrow.

All right, I'll book a restaurant, you know, the place that does all the fish.

Just the two of us.

Things will change, I promise.

Really, Shaun?

Bartender: Time, gentlemen.

Man on jukebox: This town is coming like a ghost town Shaun?

Male voice on TV: Player two has entered the game.

Haven't you got work?

Male voice on TV: Player two has left the game.

You do know the front door was open again last night.

I'm not saying it was you. I know, man.

I'm saying it was ed. Right.

I can't live like this.

I mean, just look at the state of it.

We're not students anymore. Pete, just...

I mean, it's not like he even brings any real money into the house.

Well, he brings a bit.

What, dealing drugs?

Oh, he sells a bit of weed every now and again, you know.

You've sold puff.

Yeah, once. At college. To you.

Well, look, I've known him since primary school, you know.

I like having him around, he's a laugh.

What, because he can impersonate an orangutan? Fuck-a-doodle-doo.

Oh, leave him alone.

All right, I admit he can be pretty funny on occasion.

Like that time we stayed up all night drinking apple schnapps and playing tekken 2.

Oh, yeah.

When was that?

That was five years ago. When's he going home?

Hey, man, listen... top left.


I was gonna say... reload. I'm on it.

Since... nice shot. Thanks.

Two seconds.

You all right, noodle? Hello, mate, got anything?

No, man. But eball says you was holding.

I ain't got nothing. What? You ain't got nothing at all?

Listen... ed, since you're not working at the moment, could you please clean up a bit? Yep.

And if you play the answer machine, could you take down everyone's messages, not just your own?


It's not that taxing, is it?

Writing something on a little scrap of paper?

Nope. Right.

Pete: Dom, hi... Come on, it was pretty funny.

I ain't doing nothing for him.

Well, do it for me, then.

I'm sorry, Shaun.

It's all right.

No, no. I'm sorry, Shaun.

Ohl oh, my god, that's rotten.

I'll stop doing them when you stop laughing.

I am not laughing, I'm going.

Get that. You get it.

Liz: Hello, Shaun, it's me.

Look, I'm gonna be a bit tied up today, so when you book the table, can you make it 8:00 rather than 7:007?

I'll try you at work. Bye, bye, bye.

Hey! You're dead.

Spare some change, please, mister?


Watch out. Are you blind?

Man on radio: The American deep space probe omega six, due to return to earth this weekend, has unexpectedly re-entered earth's atmosphere over south-east england and broken apart over what's believed to be a populated area.



Hello, my friend. No beer today?

No, it's a bit early for me.

Shaun: Gather round, everyone. Gather round, please.

Gather round.

Now, as well as Mr. sloman being off today, I'm afraid ash is feeling a little bit under the weather.

So, I will be taking charge, as the...


Senior staff member.

So, if we can all just pull together, I know that...

Hello? Hello, mate.

Noel... l was totally munted last night.

Yeah, I spoke to him. He's only got Henry.

All right, mate. Laters. Man: Laters.


Thank you.

As Mr. sloman always says, "there's no 'l' in team but there is an 'l' in pie.

“In... there's an'l' in meat pie."

The anagram of "meat" is "team."

I don't know what he's talking about.

Look, that's it. And, Noel, phones off, yeah? It's not a social gathering.

All right, keep your hair on, grandad.

Hey, hey, whoa. I'm 29 for Christ's sakes. How old are you? 20? 21?


Hey, well...

Look, I know you don't wanna be here forever.

I got things I wanna do with my life.


You got red on you.

Noel: Hello, mate.

This one comes with a basic, sort of, digital package.

You've got your lifestyle channels there, a bit of Trisha.

You've got entertainment... I don't know what that is.

News. All the basic news channels.

Coming after me like this...

Female reporter: Believed to be caused by exposure...

Noel: Shaun. Yeah, I'm with customers.

It's your dad.

He's not my dad, he's my stepdad.



I trust you haven't forgotten about tomorrow.

No. Your bi-monthly visit.

No, I haven't forgotten.

Perhaps you could bring the flowers you forgot to bring Barbara on mother's day.

I was gonna.

And not a cheap posy from a garage forecourt.

I wasn't gonna.

Well, we look forward to seeing you tomorrow, then.


You've got red on you.

I thought you said this wasn't a social gathering?


How comes you're allowed to speak to your dad?

A, he's not my dad, okay? He's my stepdad.

And b, it was an emergency.

What, like buying your mum some flowers?

Noel, no matter what you might think, okay, I do not find it difficult to keep my work and my social life separate.

Shaun. It's Liz for you.

Hello. L1z: Hello, it's me.

Hello. Just quickly, did you get my message?


Oh, so it's all okay, then? Yep.

8:00, the place that does all the fish?


Oh, cool, well, that's great. Just ring me later.

Goodbye, Liz. Bye. Bye, bye, bye.

Liz from head office. It's nothing to panic about.

Sir? Sir?

Sorry. They're for my mum.

"To a wonderful mum" or "pow! Super mum"?

The first one. Right.

Oh, my god! Jesus!

Shaun! Yvonne.

How are you doing? Surviving.

So, are you living round here?

Um, yeah, are you?

Yeah, I've just bought a place, actually.

Bought? I know, bit grown up, eh?

Are you still with... Liz.

That's great. Glad somebody made it.

How long's that been now?

It's three years ago last week, actually.

Did you do anything special?

Well, we're going out for a meal tonight, actually.

Oh, anywhere nice?


Come on!

Are you gonna thank me, then? For what?

Tidying up.

Well, it doesn't look that tidy.

Well, I had a few beers when I finished.

Man on phone: Hello, fulci's. Can you hold, please? Yeah.

Do you want your messages? What?

Well, your mum rang about going round tomorrow night.

And then Liz rang about the two of you eating out tonight.

And then your mum rang back to see if I wanted to eat her out tonight.

What? Hello, fulci's.

Yeah, hi.

I know this is really short notice and everything, but could you possibly do me a table for two for tonight at about 8:00?

No, sorry, we just gave away the last table.


Wasn't true about your mum.

What am I gonna do? Where are we gonna go?

The Winchester. Don't be stupid! They don't do food.

There's a breville out back. John'll do you a toastie.

Ed, this is serious!

Hello. Liz: Hello, it's me.


So, what's the plan, then?

Yeah, there's been a bit of a mix-up with the table, babe.

What do you mean?

They're... they're full up.

But I thought you said it was all okay!


You didn't book it, did you, Shaun?


So, what is the plan, then?

The Winchester?

Dianne on speaker: Hello.

Dianne, can you let me in, please?

I'm not sure this is the best time, Shaun.

Oh, come on.

David: Lizzie doesn't want to see you, Shaun. Go away.

Just open the door!

She doesn't want to see you, Shaun.

What do you want me to do? Do you want me to go...

Do you want me to climb up the wall, come through the window? 'Cause I will.

You're not coming in.

I... all right. See you in a minute. Don't...

Shaun: Hi, it's me again.

Liz, can we just talk about this? You know, let's go out.

What, to the Winchester? Well... do you want to?

No, I don't fucking want to!

Okay. I just thought, you know...

It's not the only place in the world, Shaun!

Well, we could go to the Shepherd's, then, they do thai in there now.

I'm going out with David and di.

Well, let's all go together.

What, you hang out with my friends?

Sorry, a failed actress and a twat? Well, that's harsh.

Your words. I did not call dianne a failed actress.

Let's just go out, you know.

Let's just go out somewhere and have a laugh.

Things'll be fine, I promise.

You promised you'd stop smoking when I did.

What... you promised you'd go back to the gym!

I... you promised you'd try drinking red wine instead of beer! Well...

You promised you'd come on holiday with me.

We went to Greece, didn't we?

We met in Greece.

At a rave. It's just not the same.

You promised things would change.

You promised you'd get us free cable.

I'm working on that. Okay.

Well, I can give up smoking. I can give up whenever I want.

Look, see. Don't need them.

What was the next one?

It's not enough, Shaun.

Basically, I'd say your nine lives are up, Shaun.

Get fucked, four-eyes!

Why don't you go out with her, you love her so much?

What do you mean by that?

Male reporter on TV: The devastation really is extensive.

It really is a total mess.

I don't know what he meant by that.

Shaun: Got you these.

To a wonderful mum?


Yeah, that's because I thought it would be funny because of what you said last night about me, you know, you don't wanna be my mum and that, and it's just a little joke.

It's something I just thought of, spur of the moment.

They're for your mum, aren't they? Yeah.


Look, if I don't do something, I'm gonna end up in that pub, every night, for the rest of my life, like those other sad old fuckers, drinking myself to death, wondering what the hell happened.

What do you mean, "do something"?

Fuck her!

You got your pint. You got your pig snacks. What more do you want?

Oh. Your favorite monkey?

Shall I do Clyde?

See, I knew you'd get over her.

Who the hell put this on?

It's on random.

Ah, for fuck's sake. John, yes, please, mate.

You know what we should do tomorrow?

Keep drinking. We'll have a bloody Mary first thing.

Have a bite at the king's head, couple at the little Princess, we'll stagger back here and bang, we're back at the bar for shots.

How's that for a slice of fried gold?

No. Come on, man.

Talk to me.

She said if she stayed with me, she'd end up coming in here, every night, for the rest of her life, like these sad old fuckers, drinking herself to death, wondering what the hell happened.

That is harsh. These are rich, interesting characters.

Like who?

Snakehips. Always surrounded by women. He's a bigamist.

Strangled his first wife with a draught excluder.

And he invented the mobile disco.

Well, what about her, then?

Cockacidal maniac.

She's an ex-porn star. She's done it all.

They say she starred in the world's first interracial hardcore loop.

Café au lait.

Pour vous.

Yeah. What about John, then?

He's north London mafia.

It's true, big al says so.

Yeah, well, big al also says dogs can't look up.

Think about it. Handy with a blade. Gruff demeanor.

Bernie, the trophy wife. He's connected.

Why do you think there's a rifle above the bar?

'Cause the pub's called the Winchester.


See, you don't need Liz to have a good time.

Oh, ed, don't, man.

No. Look at me. Can I just say one more thing?

I'm not gonna say, you know, "there's plenty more fish in the sea."

I'm not gonna say, "if you love her let her go."

And I'm not gonna bombard you with clichés.

But what I will say is this, "it's not the end of the world."

Sorry, we're closed.


Bass bass white lines. White lines.

Visions, dreams of passion visions, dreams of passion blowing through my mind blowing through my mind and all the while and all the while I think of you. I think of you.

High... high...

What's wrong, haven't you had your tea?

Something something of a phenomenon, baby of a phenomenon, baby telling my body to come along telling my body to come along

'cause white lines 'cause white lines blow away blow away

blow get higher, baby get higher, baby get higher, girl

What's he doing? He should say "bass."

Or "freeze."

What a tit.

You wanna dance?

Hey, don't scratch it! Wait.

That was the second album I ever bought!

It's 4:00 in the fucking morning!

It's Saturday!

No, it's not. It's fucking Sunday, and I've got to go to fucking work in four fucking hours, because every other fucker in my fucking department is fucking ill!

Now can you see why I'm so fucking angry?

Fuck, yeah! Hey.

Pete, look, I'm... You know, I'm sorry.

We just... We've had a couple of drinks.

We split up with Liz tonight.

Just keep it down, yeah?


What was that? Nothing.

No, no, no, come on, stop it. We're friends!

He's not my friend. He's a fucking idiot!

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, why don't you fuck off?

You wanna live like an animal, go and live in the shed, you thick fuck!

Oh, leave him alone!

Stop defending him, Shaun!

All he ever does is hold you back!

Or does it make your life easier having someone around who's more of a loser than you?

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what I mean.

I assume it was Liz who did the dumping?

Sort your fucking life out, mate!

What's up with your hand, man?

I got mugged on the way home from work.

By who?

I don't know, some crackheads or something. One of them bit me.

Why did they bite you?

I don't know. I didn't stop to ask them!

Now, I've got a splitting headache and your stupid hip-hop isn't helping.

And the front door is open again!

It's not hip-hop. It's electro. Prick.

Next time I see him, he's dead.

Liz: Hello, Shaun, it's me.

Look, I'm gonna be a bit tied up today, so when you book the table, can you make it 8:00 rather than 7:007?

I'll try you at work. Bye, bye, bye.

Barbara: Hello, pickle. It's me, mum.

Dad said he saw you in town today and mentioned you might be visiting tomorrow, which would be lovely.

Will you be bringing Elizabeth with you this time?

Only, we can't wait to meet her finally, and also, I was wondering if she wanted anything special for lunch.

'Cause these days lots of people don't eat meat.

Do you want anything from the shop?


Nelson, have you got any papers?

Nelson? I haven't even... I owe you about fifteen p.

Oh, dear.

Sorry, I haven't got any change.

I didn't even have enough at the fucking shop, so...

Oh, dear.

Although no-one official is prepared to comment, religious groups are calling it judgment day. There's...

Panic on the streets of London...

As an increasing number of reports of...

Sports commentator: Serious attacks on...

People, who are literally being...

Narrator: Eaten alive.

Eyewitness reports are sketchy.

One unifying detail seems to be that the attackers in many instances, appear to be...

Dead excited to have with us here, a sensational chart-topping...

Or ideological connection between those committing the atrocities, and perhaps, more alarmingly...

Ed: There's a girl in the garden. Their behavior.


In the garden, there is a girl.

The armed forces will be called in to provide back-up and assistance.

Scientists are still trying to establish the cause and nature of the phenomenon.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.


What are you doing?

Oh, my god.

She's so drunk.

How much have you had, love?

Oh, I think she likes you.

Shut up.

I think she wants a cuddle.

Listen, I'm serious. I've just come out of a relationship.

Ed, do something. Wait there.

Ed! Two seconds.

Jeez, look, I'm really flattered and everything, really, but I just...

And hold it there.

Ed, just get her off me! Jesus!

Whoa. What's up with her eyes? What's up with her eyes?

Now seriously, Mary, I'm warning you, okay.

I'm gonna have to get physical. I mean it!

This is it. I'm gonna... Look, just fuck off!

I think we should go back inside.


Shaun, what's going on?

Shit, it's engaged.

How about an ambulance?

It's engaged, ed.

Fire engine?

It's one number, ed, and it's busy. Okay?

What do you want a fire engine for, anyway?

Anything with flashing lights, you know.

Are they still out there?

Yeah. What do you think we should do?

Have a sit down?

There are reports of chaos on the motorways as thousands of people attempt to flee the cities.

The m1, the m3, m4, m6...

Do you think this is the same thing?

And m68 are all at a standstill.

The home office has issued a statement urging people to stay in their homes and await further instruction.

Ensure all residences are secure with all doors and windows firmly locked and barricaded. Police...

Fucking hell!

Shaun: Oh, for god's sake. Oh, he's got an arm off!

Get him!


Male reporter: More reports just in confirm that in all cases the attackers seem slow and shambolic.

I'm gonna shut the front door.

Receive information from the home office, regarding the best way to neutralize the attackers.

In the meantime, contact with these assailants is highly inadvisable.

Did you see his head go?

If you're confronted and have the opportunity fo escape, it is suggested that you do so as quickly as possible.

We should get out there.

No, no, no, no, we should stay inside.

Come on, we can take them.

But the man said to stay indoors.

Oh, fuck the man.

Look, as long as they're out there and we're in here, we're safe.

Officials suggest that in extreme circumstances, the attackers can be stopped by removing the head or destroying the brain.

I'll repeat that, by removing the head or destroying the brain.


Aim for the head.

Well, now what? We'll have to get more stuff.

What's in the shed? I don't know. It's locked.

Why is it locked? It's always been locked.

Well, you know, we're gonna...


No, no, that's the second album I ever bought! Don't!

Now, some of these are limited...

What was that? What was that?

I think it was blue Monday.

Man, that was an original pressing.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Purple rain? No.

Sign o' the times? Definitely not.

The Batman soundtrack? Throw it.

Okay. Oh, dire straits? Throw it.

The stone roses? No.

Sade? That's Liz's.

Yeah, but she did dump you. Oh.

Oh, fuck this. I'm going to the shed.

I thought you said it was locked.

Which one do you want? Girl or bloke?

The first one.

Male reporter: In all cases, people receiving bites have experienced headaches and nausea, and developed symptoms similar to those displayed...

You've got red on you. By their attackers.

If you know someone who has been bitten, it is absolutely essential that you isolate them immediately.

The public are being strongly advised not to approach anyone...



Why don't we just go up? Oh, no, don't go up there.

Why not? Because a, he might be one of them.

And b, he might still be annoyed.


Maybe he went in to work.

How come he didn't drive? His keys are still here.

Well, maybe he got a lift.

He said he wasn't feeling very well.



He's not in. He's not in.

You got a fag? No, I've given up.

Since when? Since...

Come on, babe. Oh, she's engaged.

That was quick. Ed, this is serious!

Liz! Barbara: Shaun.

Mum! Hi. I was gonna call you. Are you okay?

Yes. Yeah, well, are you sure?

Some men tried to get into the house.

Well, are they still there?

I'm not sure. We've shut the curtains.

Well, did you try the police?

Well, I thought about it.

Well, are you okay? Did they hurt you?

No, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Mum? Well, they were a bit bitey.

Mum, have you been bitten?

No, but Philip has.

Oh, okay.

Has she been bitten? No, Philip has.

Oh, okay. Listen, mum, what sort of state is he in?

Oh, he's fine. Bit under the weather.

I see. What's the deal?

We may have to kill my stepdad.

Listen, mum, sit tight, okay?

You're not safe there. We're coming over.

I don't want to cause a fuss.

We're coming to get you, Barbara!

So, what's the plan?


Shaun: We take Pete's car, we drive over to mum's.

We go in.

We take care of Philip. I'm so sorry, Philip.

Then we grab mum. We go over to Liz's place.

Hole up, have a cup of tea.

And wait for all this to blow over.

Why have we got to go to Liz's?

Because we do.

She dumped you!

I have to know if she's all right.

Why? Because I love her!

All right, gay. I'm not staying there though.

Why not?

If we hole up, I want to be somewhere familiar.

I want to know where the exits are, and I wanna be allowed to smoke.


Take Pete's car, go round mum's. Go in.

Deal with Philip. Sorry, Philip.

Grab mum, go to Liz's, pick her up, bring her back here, have a cup of tea, and wait for all this to blow over.


No, no, no, no, no, wait, we can't bring them back here.

Why not? Well, it's not exactly safe, is it?

Yeah. Look at the state of it.

Where's safe? Where's familiar?

Where can I smoke?

Shaun: Take car, go to mum's.

Kill Phil. Sorry.

Grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all this to blow over.

How's that for a slice of fried gold?

Yeah, boy!

To recap, it is vital that you stay in your homes.

Make no attempt to reach loved ones and avoid all physical contact with the assailants.

Do you believe everything you hear on TV?

Yeah, I can see if, I can see it. It's just outside.

Any zombies out there?

Don't say that. What?

That. What?

That. The z word. Don't say it.

Why not? Because it's ridiculous.

All right.

Are there any out there, though?

Can't see any. Maybe it's not as bad as all that.

Oh, no, there they are.

Okay, let's do this, yeah?

Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah? I got to do a wee first.

Can I drive?

What? I've always wanted to drive Pete's car.

I might not get another chance. Okay.

Oh, god. Sorry, Pete. Listen, we're gonna borrow your car, okay?

We'll bring it back. And if you're feeling better later we're...

We're going to the pub.

So, you're more than welcome to join us.

Pete'd be so pissed off if he knew I was driving his car, eh?

I don't think so.

Shaun, Shaun, which button's central locking?

Cock it!

Get lost!


Woman on radio: The church of england has now joined other extremist religious groups in proclaiming the phenomenon, a sign of a coming apocalypse...


Although downing street is refusing to be drawn into a religious debate.

Once again, the bodies of the recently deceased are returning to life and attacking the living.

There is no indication as to... Let's put something else on.

Mee as ms gs se oe eet le fete cas ee se tw mw MMA ra a PR ef tt fa se os ff 2 lp I tar am m m2 in ot © = ste I El I ae ae oh re feet ne = er ce ses se what are you doing? What?

Ed, look out!

I think we hit something.

Or someone.

Are you all right?

Come on, let's just go.


He's gonna be dead either way.

Ed, that's not the point.

Oh, thank god for that.

Ah, hello. Who's a pretty boy, then?

You didn't tell me Barbara had a jag.

Oh, I've always wanted to drive one of those.

Yeah, well, it's Philip's, okay?

And he won't let anybody near it.

Honestly, I put half a Mars bar in the glove box once, and he chased me round the garden with a bit of wood.

Fuck, it's gorgeous.

Okay, well, it seems pretty clear, we should go.

Why don't I stay here?

What, what, what, what, what?

You know, just look after the car.

If there's any problems, I'll honk three times.


Don't forget to kill Philip! What?

Hello, pickle. Hi, mum.

Oh, you've got red on you. Yeah.

Look, mum, is everything okay? Are you all right?

Yes, I'm fine. Where's Philip?

Dad's in the lounge. He's not my dad.

Oh, Shaun, really.

Sorry. Mum, look, I've got ed outside.

We're gonna take you somewhere safe.

But we have to wait for the doctor.

Mum, I don't think the doctor's gonna come.

I don't think Philip's going to want to leave the house, darling.

Mum, Philip isn't...

Put the kettle on, and I'll deal with Philip.

Okay. Okay, then.

Are you hungry? Yeah. No, not really!

I'll make some sandwiches. Okay.

No fighting, you two.

Man on TV: You may ask "where is our god?"

But throughout the land, men and women of integrity rise up to confront the unseen enemy.

They will not be cowards, they will be courageous in the face of danger.

I'm so sorry, Philip.

Ess en err re tree ne ses arses eres ae es re eis ss si ee what have you done now?

Nothing. What have you got there?

Flowers, I hope.

No, it's... cricket bat.

Oh, is that for the jumble, Shaun?

No. Yes.

There's a box of your toys upstairs.

I was going to give them to the jumble.

I took them all to the tip, Barbara.

Oh, what? Shaun wants to take us somewhere.

Don't be silly. I'm not going anywhere.

Well, maybe you should stay here.

You know, wait for the doctor, and I'll take mum.

But you said the doctor wasn't coming.

You didn't call the doctor, did you?

Well, I thought we ought to be on the safe side.

I'm quite all right, Barbara.

I ran it under a cold tap. I really think...

We had our jabs when we went to the isle of wight.

But, Philip... it's a lot of overblown nonsense.

A lot of drug nuts running wild.

Still, 1 should get mum away, you know, just 'cause, in case they come back.

I'm not going anywhere without Philip.

Mum, look, how about that tea?

Mum? How much do you love Philip?

Two sugars, is it?

I haven't had sugar in my tea since 1982.

Oh, yes.

Will you cut me some bread, love?

Mum, look, how much do you love Philip?

Oh, Shaun, do we have to go through all that again?

Mum, look, what would you say if 1 told you that over the years Philip's been quite unkind to me?

Well, you weren't always the easiest person to live with.

Mum, he chased me around the garden with a bit of wood!

Well, you did call him a you-know-what.

Oh, what, did he tell you that? Yes, he did.

Motherfucker. Shaun.

Sorry, mother, mum.

Look, mum, did you know that on several occasions he touched me?

That wasn't true. Made it up, shouldn't have done, sorry.

Mum, you don't understand, okay...

No, it's you that doesn't understand.

Philip is my husband and has been for the last 17 years.

I know you haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but I would, at least, expect you to respect my feelings.

You must be more adult about these things.

Yeah, come on, Shaun.

There comes a time when you just got to be a man.

I'm telling you, it's a fuss over nothing.

Hello, Edward. Hi, Barbara.

Barbara: My, how you've grown. Yeah, you better believe it.

What happened? Why is he coming?

It wasn't as easy as all that.

God's sake. So, we're following you, are we”?

No, it's probably best if we... where's the car?

I pranged it.

You were parked!


I guess we'll have to take the jag.

Philip... ha look out!

Philip: Christ!

Ed: Jesus!

Philip, give me the car keys!

You're not driving that car.

Philip! Give me the car keys!

Ed, get mum in the car.

I'm on it.

Shaun: Come on. No, don't worry about me.

Worry about your mother.

Ed, maybe I should drive.

Man, I've adjusted the seat now.

All right, well, just, you know, be careful!

Can you please turn that noise down?

Are you all right, dear? Would you like another tissue?

I'd be fine, if it weren't for that bloody racket!

It is a bit loud. Sorry, Barbara.

You do realize this is a 20 mile an hour zone.

Oh, yeah.


Okay, mum, this isn't gonna take a second, all right?

Philip, have you still got the child locks on?

Safety first, Shaun.

You can't...

Hey, man, watch the leather.

Listen, okay, keep moving. If there's any problems...

Yeah, yeah, I'll do the honks.

Dianne on speaker: Hello?


Guys, can you let me in, please?

What are you doing? I've come to get you.

Sorry, what are you doing?

I've come to take you somewhere safe.

We were perfectly safe before you arrived.

You don't know that.

Well, there was two of them out there a minute ago.

How many are there now?

I” lots.

Look, believe me, it only takes one of them to know you're in here.

Listen, I tried calling, I really did, but I couldn't get through.

I had to come up with a plan.

Oh, you made a plan.

Look, I don't care what the telly says, all right, we have to get out of here.

If we don't, they'll come up here and they'll tear us to pieces.

And that is really gonna exacerbate things for all of us.

Shaun... look, Liz, this is not about you and me, all right?

This 1s about survival.

We need to be somewhere more secure, somewhere on the ground, somewhere we can stay alive.

We're with you, Shaun. What?

We're with you.

I'm not going out there.

Daffs! I don't want to be torn to pieces, and I'm sure if you really think about it, neither do you.

I'm not going if Liz is not going.

Of course she's going.

Well, I'm not staying here by myself.

You're going, aren't you, Elizabeth?

Lizzie? Liz?

All right, flash, what do you have in mind?

Great, okay, I've got a car outside, but it's gonna be a bit cramped now.

So, has anyone got transport? Yes, yes.

Great. Where? Oh, no. Well, I've passed my test.


I don't see the point of owning a car in London.

Look, okay, just get any blunt objects together, all right?

If you get cornered, bash them in the head, that seems to work.

Keep together, stay sharp and follow me.

So, what... What's the plan, then?

We're going to the Winchester.

Okay? Let's go.

Come on. Where's the car?

What's up, niggaz?

Okay, apologies for the cramped conditions, everybody, okay?

Di, stay on David's lap?

Okay. Philip, hang in there, okay?

Ed, get there fast, yeah? Yeah.

And, mum, this is Liz. Liz, mum.

Hello. Hello.

Ed. Shaun.

I know. Ed, be careful.

Is your dad all right? He's not my dad.

Dianne: He's bleeding. Yeah, I know. Ed, just be careful!

Thought you wanted to get there fast?

I just want to get there in one piece, okay?

And why are we going this way?

Chill out, it's a shortcut.

But that road goes straight to the Winchester.

Ge gr ae see ss tees a es see le aar cai ee ee I ee seta ee paa fa rr rt ss seer fre es ea aaiit, Lee eea I ee ll sr un ii ef ferrites look, I know. Liz, please!

I still don't actually understand why we are going to the Winchester.

Because it's a pub, it's safe, it's secure.

They know us there. What makes it so secure?

Because it's got big heavy doors and deadbolts. You've been to a lock in.

Several. And there's a rifle above the bar.

I would think that's deactivated. Surely.

It's not. I'm telling you. John's connected. Big al says so.

Yeah, well, big al also says dogs can't look up!

They can't. Can't they?

No, they can't! Of course they can!

Are you sure? I... yes, look, the pub is the right place to go.

Okay? Everything is gonna be fine, I promise.

Shaun? I turned it off, all right?

It's not easy. What?

Being a father, it's not easy.


You were 12 when I met you.

You'd already grown up so much.

I just wanted you to be strong and not give up because you lost your dad.

Philip, you don't have to explain.

No, I do. I always loved you, Shaun.

I always thought you had it in you to do well.

And you just need motivation.

Somebody to look up to, and...

I thought it could be me.

Would you just take care of your mum?

There's a good boy.

Ed, can you pull over?

Ed, please pull over. What for?

Ed, just pull over! All right.

Whoa, mama!

Christ! What the hell do you think you're doing?

Chill out. Everyone's all right.

Stop telling me to chill out!

And no, for your information, everybody is not all right.

Barbara: What's wrong?

Mum, it's Philip, he's gone.

Where's he gone?

Mum, he's dead.

No, he isn't.

Get out! Get out!

Oh, Jesus! Fuck, fuck.

It won't open! It won't open!

Ed, get the child locks!

Dianne: Come on, quick, come on.

Sere eases se seas ees cras lae tie et terra, ee ae ee a rl sets aes ed!

Now what? We've got to keep moving.

How do we get Philip out the car? Shaun: We haven't got time.

Liz: What about the blunt objects?

Do you want to get them?

Shaun, we can't just leave your dad! He's not my dad!

Oh, Shaun... mum, he was, but he's not anymore!

I really think we could... no, listen to me, mum, listen.

That's not even your husband in there.

Okay? I know it looks like him, but there is nothing of the man you loved in that car now, nothing!

Let's go, shall we?

You're not seriously suggesting we walk!

Everybody okay back there?

Oh, yeah, we're having a whale of a time.

Maybe we should all hold hands, like a crocodile?

Do you have any idea where we're actually going?

David, come on. Sorry.

Do you, though? Yeah, totally, totally.

Well, are we close?

We're pretty close.

Is your mum gonna be okay?

Yeah, I hope so.

Did you manage to get in contact with your folks?

They're in Antigua. Do you think this is happening there?

I hope not.

Listen, Liz, about last night. You know, I know loads of things were said, but...

Shaun, you said this wasn't about you and me.

No, no, it's not, but, I just...

You said it was about survival.

Yeah, it is, but what I'm saying is...

You're not doing all this just to prove something, are you?

No, of course not. I just think...

Because I meant everything I said last night. Nothing's changed.

Maybe this isn't the best time to talk about it.

Okay... oh, my god!


Yvonne. How's it going?

Surviving. Hey, Liz.

Long time no see.

Hey, Yvonne.

This is my boyfriend, Declan.

My friends Mark, Maggie, my mum and my cousin Tom.

This is Shaun and his girlfriend Liz.

They've split up, actually.

Oh, really?


That's a shame.

Well, we should scoot.

Have you got somewhere you're going?

Yeah, we're going to the Winchester.

The pub?

Yeah. Right, well. Good luck!

Hil hi!

Hello. Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Hello. Hello.

All right. All right.

See, what did I say? The Winchester's just over there.

Over where? Over there.

Just over there, over the 20 garden fences?

What's the matter, David, never taken a shortcut before?

Shaun, I'm sure Jill and Derek live round here.

Now, the Winchester is just over that fence, all right?

So, everyone stay where they are. I'll...

Hang on, are we all here?

One, two, three, four, five. Yes.

There's six of us. Oh.


I'm coming!

Mum, mum! Mum, are you okay? Are you okay?

I don't think Jill and Derek do live here.


Are you all right?

What are you doing?

Dianne: Shaun!


No, that's rubbish.


Feel free to step in any time!

You did all right.

I didn't want to cramp your style.

Why? I'm so sorry about that.


Okay, everyone just stay where they are.

I'm gonna check if the coast is clear.

Is it clear? No.

Liz: How many? Lots.

Oh, well, that is just great.

There are a fair few of them, yes.

I trust Shaun has another genius scheme up his sleeve?

This is hardly constructive, David!

No, Lizzie, this is a waste of time.

Aes El a a seta ease te sr es a ee te te ee I rr ser me rer remap a te tet tst sass yeah, why didn't you? Because...

Because... because, because of captain wow!

Will you stop it!

Yes, we're not gonna get anywhere by moaning.

Right, let's all shake out. Get nice and limber. Or not.

Now, take another look at the way he moves. Remember, very limp.

Almost like sleepwalking.

Look at the face, it's vacant with a hint of sadness.

Like a drunk who's lost a bet.

Okay, let's try, shall we? Liz.

Nice, good vocal work. Okay. Barbara, that's excellent.

Sorry, dear, I was miles away.


Come on!

Okay. It's mournful, sorrowful, you're dead, and you hate it. Go.

Much better. Ed.

I'll do it on the night. This is the night!

What is that? What about yours?

Who died and made you fucking king of the zombies?


Yeah, that's pretty good. Okay, right.

Let's all try together, shall we?

One, two, three.

Go, go, go, go.

Shit. Get round me, get round me.

John? John, Bernie, are you there?

It's Shaun and ed. We come in all the time.

They can hear you. We do the quiz.

They know. Stay in character, daffs!

I can't see them.

Shaun, we have to get inside.

Break the window. Don't be stupid, we'll be totally exposed!

We are totally exposed. Break the window!

Is there another way in?

Well, yeah, there's...

Two seconds.

Hey, noodle. You all right, mate?

Yeah, man, I can't really talk now. Did you get anything yet?

I got nothing. Really?

No, I'm right in the middle of something.

A bit mentalist, isn't it?

Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Oil what are you doing?

What am I doing? What are you doing, you stupid moron?

Fuck off. You fuck off!

Fuck fucking off!

Liz: Shaun... I've spent an entire life... Look at me.

I've spent my entire life sticking my neck out for you, and all you ever do is fuck things up!

Fuck things up and make me look stupid!

Well, I'm not gonna let you do it anymore. Not today.



You were saying about another way in?

Yeah, there's a...

What are you doing?


Get inside! No, they'll follow us!

What? They'll follow us.

Just keep up the act, I'm gonna have to do something.

What do you mean, "do something"?

Hello, hello, over here, over here!

Come on, come on, that's it, yeah, come on, come on, that's it, over here!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, over here! Yeah, come on!

Oh, bollocks. Okay, wait till I've gone, then get inside!

Gone where? Gone where?

I won't be long, I promise.

Come on, you pasty-faced fuckers, let's go!

Follow me. Come on, let's go!

Come on, this way, this way, that's it, come on!

Come on. This way, follow me.

Come on, follow me. Come on!

Come and get it! It's a running buffet!

All you can eat!

Shall we go in, then?

Come on, Barbara. Leave those.

I think they're for me.

He's been gone a good 20 minutes.


Either way, we need to think about blocking up this window here.

We're totally exposed.

How will Shaun get back in?

I'm sure he'll knock.

Oh, for goodness sake, let's get some lights on here.

David, wait!

Power's off. That's a good thing.

We don't want to advertise our whereabouts more than we already have.

No, of course not.

Do we, David?

No, of course not, Lizzie. I'm just being proactive.

There's no lights, there's no power. Where are the owners?

And there's that bloody great hole in the window.

You did that, you twat!

Somebody had to do something!

I don't know if you noticed back there, but we were in a spot of bother.

Somebody has to take control of the situation, and if none of you are prepared to accept that responsibility then perhaps I should.

Will Shaun be gone long?

Liz: He'll be back soon. How can you know that?

I don't think he'd leave us, daffs.

Wouldn't he? Lizzie, how can you put your faith in a man you spectacularly binned for being unreliable?

A man whose idea of a romantic nightspot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing.

This is a pub! We are in a pub! What are we going to do?

I could get a round in.

Look, let's just keep quiet and wait for Shaun.

We can barricade the window when he gets back.

What then? How long? Days? Weeks? A month?

What about food? What are we going to eat?

Toasties! Yeah, there's a breville out back.

Oh, great, then! Saved by nibbles!

That must be why Shaun took us here before he buggered off.

He's coming back!

Why? Because he promised?

And even if he does, do you think his master plan's going to extend to anything more than sitting and eating peanuts in the dark?

What, is he just gonna stroll in and suddenly everything's gonna be okay?

I don't know, David!

I don't know any more than you do.

But what I do know is that we're here now and we have to make the best of it!

Ed, get me a double vodka.

Right you are.

Think I'll have a drink, too, actually.

Would you like a drink, Barbara? Hello.

Right, great, fuck it. That's what we'll do, that's what we'll do.

We'll all have a party. How about that?

We all get completely smashed.

Oh, look, we've got our nibbles.

We've got our mini cheddars...

David! We got twiglets.

Oh, look, hog lumps.


Hello, mum. You all right?

Everybody okay? Yeah.

Any sign of John and Bernie? We haven't seen them.

Check upstairs? I think it's locked.

What's the phone situation?

Dead. Same as the power.


Nice of you to join us.

Yeah, well, I promised, didn't I?

How did you lose them?

I just gave them the slip. Wasn't difficult. They're not all that.

Well, how did you get in?

There is a back door, David.

I tried to tell you before you went and smashed the window.

Well, I wasn't the one who was blowing our cover by having a tiff with my boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend.

Might be a bit warm, the cooler's off.

Thanks, babe.

So, what's the plan, then?

Would anyone like a peanut?

Why don't you do your Clyde?

Oh, come... has anyone seen every which way but loose?

Ed does the most amazing impression of the orangutan.

No, it's not. It is. Come on. Do it.

No, no. But it's brilliant. Come on, just do it.

Do it, it'll work. Come on, just do it.

You've built it up too much, I feel uncomfortable.

No, you don't. Just do it. Oh, come on, do it.

See. Everyone wants to see it. We could do with a laugh.

Do it, do it, do it, do it. Come on, do it.

I'm not a performing monkey.

The power's on. It's not, I tried it earlier.

No, but the streetlights have come on. It means the grid isn't out.

It's the fuses. I'll just flip them back on, we can watch television.

Liz: What about the lights?

Yes, we don't want to advertise our whereabouts more than we already have.

The lights operate on a separate circuit, I'll just flip the mains breakers.

It's quite simple, David.

Is that it? Liz: That's it!

Liz, have you got a quid?


Never anything on, is there?


I think we might have a bit of a problem.

What do you mean?

They followed me.

I thought you said you gave them the slip.

Well, we'll just have to be extra quiet, then, won't we?


Ed, no! Ed, no!

Turn it off!


Where the hell did he come from? I don't know.

Who the hell put this on? It's on random.

For fuck's sake!

Okay, dianne, get mum somewhere safe. David, kill the queen.

What? The jukebox!

Liz, ed, grab something weapony.

Ed: What about the rifle? It's not real!

Cocktails? What do you mean?

The flaming spirits. Drambuie, Sambuca, Brandy. Get a rag in. Light it.

But the whole place could go up. What, then?

How about pool?

Okay, John, it's time at the bar!

I can't find the switches!

Well, then get the fuses!

Why is queen still on?

We have a situation!

I know!

Fuck this. Ed!

Two seconds.




Yes! Yes! In the head!


Why didn't you just shoot him, man?

Ed, for the last time, it's...

I fucking knew it!

What did I tell you? Big al was right.


but dogs can look up.

Okay, has anyone fired a gun before? Oh, yeah.

Apart from David and ed?

Sorry, what was Ed's experience?

I think you should do it.

I think we should all do it.

How can five people operate one gun?

None of us have any real experience, okay? Now, we've only got...

Twenty-nine. Twenty-nine bullets.

Call them "shells." We've only got 29 shells, we really need to work together on this.

I need someone to help me reload, everyone else to look out. I will fire.

As bertrand Russell once said, "the only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation.” I think we can all appreciate the relevance of that now.

Was that on the back of a beer mat?

Yeah, it was guinness extra cold.

They definitely want to come in.

Get mum out of the way.

David, dianne, let's go. Ed, give me some shells.

Barbara? Oh, hello.

Would you like to come with me? That would be lovely.

It's nice to meet you, finally.

Shaun's always talking about you.

Really? Yeah.


Are you all right?

I've got something for you.

Shaun's father gave me this. Shaun's real father, I mean.

I'd like you to have it.

Barbara, Shaun and I have...

It seems only right.

I didn't want to say anything.

I thought Shaun would be worried.

Liz? David: Here they come!

Stay behind me! Stay behind me! There's one!

Sorry, we're closed!

Try the safety button. Yeah, that happened to me on stage.

Cock it!

Over there! Over where?


Over there again. Quarter to twelve.


11:45. Keep it simple!

Top left.

Reload. I'm on it!

Nice shot.

Okay, David, dianne, let's block up this window!

Ed, take over a sec.

Shaun: What is it? What's wrong? Liz: Shaun, I'm so sorry.

Mum, what's wrong?

Mum, I don't understand.

The man in his pajamas...

I didn't want to say anything, I thought you'd be upset.

No, you should've said.

Take over a sec. What?

What's going on? What's up? What's wrong?

What the hell's going on? Barbara's hurt!

Mum. Just take over a minute.

Jesus. Dianne: I know first aid.

Just hang on. Mum? Mum? Is she...


Just hold on, mum, you're gonna be fine.

I never thanked you. For what?

For these. "To a wonderful mum."

It's been a funny sort of day, hasn't it?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Come on, mum, come on, mum stop it, stop it, stop it.

Don't, mum. Please don't go.

What are you doing?

We have to deal with her.


For Christ's sake!

She's gonna come back! She's not gone anywhere.

Well, she'll change.

She's my mum.

She's a zombie. Don't say that!

Move aside. I'm gonna count to three.

One, two, three!

Don't point that gun at my mum!

Shaun, calm down!

Don't point that gun at Barbara!

Ed, don't exacerbate things! What does that mean?

This isn't exactly fair!

Here. Thank you.

Ed: It's okay.

Please, can we just stop and think about this?

Tell him to put the gun down!

Look, Lizzie, she's gonna change. You know I'm right.

And when she does, she'll come back and she'll kill all of us.

That's what your ex can't seem to realize.

That's what this is about, isn't it?

It's just... he just... He doesn't like Mel he's always hated me and now he wants to shoot my mum!

She's not...

You've never thought I deserved her, that I was good enough.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, we all know you're in love with Liz!

That is not true!

Yes, it is! That is not true.

Dianne: Yes, it is. What?

I know you only hung out with me at college to get close to Liz.

And when she knocked you back, I was there to pick up the pieces.

I've come to terms with that, daffs, why can't you?

Lizzie, I want you to know that my feelings for you have always been essentially...

David, please! There are slightly more pressing matters at hand here!

Like the fact that "daffs" is pointing a gun at my mum!

For Christ's sake, she's not dead!

She's finished! For a hero, you're quite a hypocrite!

You're the one that's gone from being a chartered accountant to charlton heston!

I'm not a chartered accountant!

Well, you look like one!

Yeah! I'm a lecturer!

You're a twat! Yeah!

She's not your mum anymore! In a minute she'll be just another zombie!

Don't say that. We're not using the z word.

Please, can we just calm the fuck down?

Now, I can see what David is trying to say...

Thank you, Lizzie. Even if he is being a twat!


And, Shaun, Shaun, look at me.

I can't begin to imagine how hard this must be for you, but we can't afford to fall apart.

Shaun, babe, I know you don't wanna hear this.

You do it.

I'm sorry, mum.

Do it!

Well, I think we're all agreed, you did the right thing there.

David, no!


Right, I'm leaving.

What? I'm not staying here.

David, don't, it's suicide.

I think you should go.

We will. We can run, we can defend ourselves.

What do you mean "we?"

What do you mean, "what do I mean 'we"?

Opening that door now would be a very, very silly thing to do.

So, are you gonna stay here with him?

Look, Shaun... after everything he's gotten us into!

You let me finish!

Shaun didn't ask you to come here.

You came for the same reason that I did, 'cause you didn't know what else to do.

Get away from that door this instant!

But... David!

I'm so sorry, dianne.

Maybe I'm not the one you should be apologizing to.


David! No!

No, no, no, no!


No, no!



Dianne, no! Dianne, no!

I'm coming, David!

David! David!

Oh, dear.

Cocktails? Do it.

Stay back!

Shaun, hold them!


Ed! Hurry up!

Shauny, look who it is.



Shaun! Ed!

Don't groan at me, you thick fuck!

I can't hold them!


Shaun! Petel

I said, leave him alone!

Ed! Ed!

Shaun, bar!





Chuck us a cloth will you?

Where are the shells? They're on the bar.

Oh, fuck!

Fuck it!

What are we gonna do? Where are we gonna go?

The cellar! Maybe we can get out.

There's a barrel hatch that leads into the street.

You mean go back outside?

Oh, give us a fucking break!

Go! Gol

I can see the street.

Come on.

Come on!

Why won't it open?

That's it, isn't it? We're trapped.

"Hey, let's go to the Winchester!"

Whose fucking idea was that?

Man, I've really ballsed this up.

No, you haven't. I have, Liz. I couldn't save us.

I couldn't save di or David. I couldn't even save my mum. I'm useless.

You shouldn't feel so responsible, you tried.

You did something, that's what counts.

Yeah, I suppose.

Do you think they'll get through?


How many shells have we got left?

Two. I suppose we could take a few of them out if they stand in a line.

I wasn't thinking about them.

I know.

What about ed? There's only two shells.

I don't mind being eaten.

How are we gonna do this?

I don't know.

One of us has to go first.

Maybe one should do the other and then do themselves.

Maybe you should do me. I'll only muck it up if I have to do myself.

Do you know, I don't think I've got it in me to shoot my flatmate, my mum and my girlfriend all in the same evening.

What makes you think I've taken you back?

You don't want to die single, do you?

Ed: Actually, I would like to be shot.

Besides, I've changed. I haven't had a fag since yesterday, I promise.

He hasn't.

Maybe we should have one now.


You left them in my flat.

Yeah, in the bin.

I was desperate.

Sneaky monkey.


I won't say anything.

Come on, we're getting out of here.

I might just stay here.

Yeah, but we can get out.

I think you two should make a go of it.

What are you talking about?

I only hold you back.

Yeah, but...

Maybe you should have this.

Don't you want it?

No. I can't hit anything with it anyway, I'm rubbish.

Ed, I'm sorry.

What for?

'Cause I was shouting at you earlier on.

It's all right. I'm sorry, too.

It's okay.

No, I'm sorry, Shaun.

Oh, god, god. That's not funny.

I'll stop doing them when you stop laughing.

I'm not laughing.

You better be off.

Bye, ed. Love you.


I love you, too, man.




Soldier: Section one. Ready. Zombies to your front. Fire!

Section one. Targets to your front. Fire!

Oh, my god. Shaun!


How you doing?

Surviving. Surviving.

They're taking us somewhere safe.

I thought you two might wanna...

Soldier: Move it! ...Tag along.

Is it just the two of you?

Well, glad somebody made it.

Come on.

Man on TV: Next, we'll hear the story of 10-year-old Enrique romerez who fought off the reanimated corpses of his entire family.

It's all coming right up on zombies from hell.

Male reporter: Six months on and to many the events of z-day must seem like a bad dream.

And as we now know, the phenomenon resulted from the use of highly...

Hot something I ever expected as a newscaster to have to say on air.

"Removing the head or destroying the brain." Incredible.

Dead excited now, to have a top band with us, talking about their work, for the charity zombaid.

Female reporter: The fact that the mobile deceased retained their primal instincts make them ideal recruitment for the service industry.

As well as proving themselves useful in other roles, such as...

Man: He can't quite get it. He's fallen, he's down!

I don't see nothing wrong with it, but I know that some people would see something wrong with it.

But he's my husband, you know.

I still love him, and I still got the ring on my finger, Trisha.

You go to bed with it?

Course I do.

Trisha: All right. Okay, you can't understand why she's with him.

Okay, what do you say to people that criticize you for being with...

Woman: Well, they don't have...

Male reporter: Initial claims that the virus was caused by rage infected monkeys have now been dismissed as...


What's the plan, then?

Right, a cup of tea, then we get the Sundays.

Head down the Phoenix for a roast, veg out in the pub for a bit, then wander home, watch a bit of telly, go to bed.


I'll get the kettle on.

Can I have two sugars, please?


Actually, I might pop into the garden for a bit.

Go on, then.

Two seconds.

Male voice on TV: Player two has entered the game.



Ooh, you make me live whatever this world can give to me it's you, you're all I see ooh, you make me live now honey ooh, you make me live oh, you're the best friend that I ever had I've been with you such a long time you're my sunshine and I want you to know that my feelings are true I really love you oh, you're my best friend

ooh, you make me live ooh, I've been wandering round but I still come back to you still come back to you in rain or shine you've stood by me, girl I'm happy at home I'm happy at home you're my best friend

ooh, you make me live you, you're my best friend