Shoot 'Em Up (2007) Script

(GUNFIRE)

(CRUNCH)

(WOMAN MOANING)

(WHIMPERING)

(WHIMPERING)

(PANTING AND WHIMPERING)

(GASPS)

(TIRES SQUEAL, ENGINE ROARS)

You're dead, bitch!

Ohhh! Ah!

What the hell you lookin' at?

(WHIMPERS)

(WHIMPERS)

Fuckin' hell.

(PANTS AND WHIMPERS)

Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaah!

Ah!

(GUN CLICKING) (PANTING)

Ha ha ha ha ha.

MAN: Looks like you are shit outta luck, beautiful.

Now I'm gonna give you your C-section.

(WOMAN WHIMPERS)

You son of a bi...

(CHOKING SOUNDS) WOMAN: Ahhh!

WOMAN: Ahhh!

Eat your vegetables.

(♪ NIRVANA: BREED PLAYING) MAN: She's in here!

MAN: Come on! (CHOKING SOUNDS)

MAN: Where is she?

There she is!

Get out of here! MAN: Over there!

MAN: Kill her on sight!

Aah!

Ahh!

(GRUNTING)

MAN: Who the fuck is that?

SECOND MAN: Where the hell is the girl?

♪ I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid ♪

♪ Of ghosts

♪ If you have MAN: Get him! (GUNSHOT)

♪ I don't mean to stare ♪

♪ We don't have to breed ♪

♪ We can plant a house we can build a tree ♪

(GRUNTS)

♪ I don't even care "we could have all three" ♪ Jesus! ♪ She said

♪ She said oh! ♪ She said

♪ She said

♪ She said, she said

♪ She said oh, God! Fuck! ♪ She said

(ALL SCREAMING AND YELLING) ♪ She said

♪ She said, she said

aaaah!

Come on, push. Push!

(GRUNTS) Aaah!

(SCREAMING)

My hand!

Do you know what I hate? No.

I hate these 40-year-old Jack-holes wearing ponytails.

(GASPING)

That ponytail doesn't make you... look hip... Come on.

...young, or cool.

SMITH: Ok, it's comin'. Come on.

Give me one big push.

Aaaah! ♪ she said, she said

(BABY CRYING) ♪ She said, she said

(GRUNTS) ♪ She said

♪ She said aaah! Ah! What the fuck?

(BABY CRYING)

(GRUNTS) I'm bleedin'. I'm bleedin' out.

Quit squirming, you're ruining my shot.

(GRUNTS)

What a piece of crap.

(GRUNTS)

We're outta here.

(BABY CRYING)

Sorry about the messy delivery, mom.

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

We need quiet.

Give Junior something to drink.

(GASPS)

(BABY STOPS CRYING)

Aah!

Ah. Bravo, Mr. hero. Bravo.

Why you tryin' to kill this woman?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Something funny?

Oh, I was just remembering a limerick.

Well, "there once was a woman who was quite begat...

"she had three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat...

"she said it was fun at the breeding...

"but found it was hell in the feeding...

"When she saw there was no tit for tat."

Ah, you have caused me no end of trouble.

But now I shall return the favor.

Tit for tat, right?

(GUN CLICKS)

Now, see, that's the latest thing.

The gun will only fire when it recognizes...

The thumbprint of the owner.

It makes firearms safer and it cuts down the crime too.

(GRUNTS) Get him!

(WHIMPERING)

Who are you?

Lady, what's your name?

(BABY CRYING)

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

(♪ WOLFMOTHER: JOKER & THE THIEF PLAYING)


(GRUNTS)

Nice knockers.

(GRUNTING)

♪ I said the joker is a wanted man ♪

♪ He makes his way all across the land ♪

♪ See him sifting through the sand ♪ God damn it!

♪ So I'll tell you all the story ♪

♪ About the joker and the thief of the night ♪

(GUNMEN GRUNTING)

♪ He's always laughing in the midst of power ♪

♪ Always living in the final hour ♪

♪ There is always sweet in the sour ♪ Fuck you, ya fuckin' fuckers.

(BABY CRYING)


Tit for tat, Mr. hero.

Tit for tat.

Grrr.

MAN: Grab his legs.

Get him in there. Come on.

I was goin' back for her, boss.

No, I got it.

Hey, I'm not the head honcho who sits on his hands...

Warming them with his own exhaust...

While everybody else does the work.

Every second counts, right?

(MAN GROANING)

Oh.

Ha. Now, how the heck did this happen, huh?

Ohh! Ohh!

Oh...

Everything was goin' smooth at the safe house...

Mm-hm. ...when the woman draws a gun.

I mean, who expects a pregnant lady to pull a piece on ya, eh?

And who was this man who was with her?

I don't know.

After the woman escaped, we tracked her here.

This guy, he was hangin' around at the bus stop.

I mean, so... we... we decided that we'd deal with him later...

But we go after the woman...

He gets in on the action. You know?

He... he took a gun, he started shootin' at us, uh...

And that's... That's when y...

Oh. Ok. ...you arrived.

Take it easy.

(GRUNTS) Sit down.

All right.

Ahh! Oh, you all right?

(GRUNTS) Ok.

(WHIMPERS AND PANTS)

Are you tryin' to tell me...

That some bum came to her rescue?

Well, well, well, this is a fine mess, huh?

(PANTING) Uh... I won't make this mistake again.

Hmm.

Well, I got a piece of lead in my butt as a reminder.

Ok. Ha ha.

Ah, I can appreciate that.

(SIGHS)

Ahhh! My ass! Ahh... MAN: Ha ha ha.

And let that be a reminder never to fail me again.

(BABY CRYING)

(CAR HORN BLARING)


(BABY GURGLING)

(CRUNCH)

(WHISPERING) Damn.

(CRIES)


Don't make me kill you to get the baby.

(CLICK)

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BABY CRYING)

(GRUNTS)

Ohh.

(GRUNTS)

(DRYER WHIRRING)

(MAN GROANING)

(CRYING)

(GROANING)

Ahh!

Oh! (GRUNTS)

(DRYER WHIRRING)

Back off. (BABY CRYING)

(CRYING CONTINUES)

(HORN BLARES)

(CRYING)

(WOMAN TALKING, INDISTINCT)

(BABY CRYING)

(COOS)

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

(CRYING)

Sweetie, this deal is almost done.

L... Look, I've already booked my flight home.

Ok?

Ok.

I love you too.

Yeah. Bye-bye.

(SIGHS)

You know why a gun is better than a wife?

Hmm?

Don't know.

Well, you can put a silencer on a gun.

Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

(CELLPHONE PLAYS RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

Sir, we spotted the target... at third and Jefferson heading toward the park.

Turn us around.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(PLAYFUL CHATTER) (BABY GURGLING)

BOY: Come on! Dad!

MAN: Come on. Ha ha ha. All right.

Who's daddy's little girl?

(GURGLES)

(CHILDREN SHOUTING PLAYFULLY)

(BABY CRYING)

Don't worry, kid. Someone good'll find you.

(CRYING)

WOMAN: Oh, my God, look at this.

Someone left a baby.

(GUNSHOT) Ohh!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

Oops. (WOMAN SCREAMS)

(CRYING)

(CLANG)

(CRYING)

(CLANG)

(CRYING)

Fuck me sideways.

(SIREN WAILING)

(CAR HORNS HONKING)

(♪ BITTER SWEET: DIRTY LAUNDRY PLAYING)

(GURGLES)

Welcome back, Mr. Smith.

Where's Quintana?

Wait, Smith, mistress Donna's with a customer.

Wait, you can't go up there.

WOMAN: Oh, yeah, baby.

Smith? You like that, huh?

Besides, I thought mistress Mary was more your type.

You can't go up there.

(PEOPLE MOANING AND GRUNTING)

♪ I've got a bad boy and that's all right with me ♪

(CRYING)

(WOMAN SHRIEKING)

♪ His dirty laundry WOMAN: Come 'ere!

♪ Is nothing that I can't keep clean ♪

(WHIPPING SOUNDS) (MAN YELLING)

♪ And when he needs an alibi...

(♪ JESCA HOOP: MONEY PLAYING) (BABY WHIMPERING)

♪ Money

♪ Money makes the world go round ♪

♪ Money

♪ Money make you change your sound ♪

♪ If the price is right, if the price is right ♪

(KISSING SOUNDS)

(MAN MOANS GENTLY)

Sorry, pal, the bar's closed.

Hmm?

♪ If you want gold and silver

♪ Sooner or later...

(GRUNTS)

♪ Don't need to know yourself too well ♪ Wait your turn, Smith.

There's plenty to go around.

Not for me, thanks. I'm lactose intolerant.

Just tell me what you want, Smith.

(BABY CRYING, MUFFLED)

♪ If you want shelter

♪ If you want smoke then you better ♪

(CRYING) ♪ Take off your sweater ooh. Kinky.

I want you to take care of this baby for a while.

Five grand.

That should keep you off your back for a couple of weeks.

(BABY CRYING)

Are you clean?

(SIGHS) You know I'm a good girl scout.

So you'll do it.

Vaffanculo. Screw yourself, Smith.

For all I know, you snatched the kid.

I don't want to be an accessory for kidnapping.

I didn't steal the kid, trust me.

Trust you?

I don't even know your real name.

Who are you really, Smith?

I'm a British nanny... and I'm dangerous.

(BABY CRYING)

Just keep the baby for one day and you can keep the whole roll.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

(BABY GURGLING, MUFFLED)

Forget it, dad. (CRYING)

Fine.

Ciao.

(BABY CRYING) (DOOR SLAMS)

(CROW CAWING)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

Breast milk.

Let's go.

This lady's baby needs to be fed.

Find me every wet nurse, lactating hooker... and mammary on tap in the city.

I already told you, Smith, you're not welcome... in the land of milk and honey.

I need a little cream for my coffee and some answers.

Ah!

Ahhh! (SIZZLING)

Oh, I'm sorry. Ha ha ha ha.

Scram, fellas.

Give me a moment alone here with, uh...

Caffé La Mamma.

Relax.

Relax.

Mia piccola troietta.

Ha ha ha.

There was a man here with a baby... not too long ago.

Yes. A real jerk.

Ah. He wanted me... to take care of the kid. Ah.

And what is this man's name?

Smith.

Mr. Smith.

Hmmm.

Hmm.

How the hell do I know his real name?

He saw me a couple of times... when I was pulling straight tricks.

He always used the same name... Smith.

I don't believe you.

(GASPS AND WHIMPERS)

I think you know more about this man.

(SIZZLING) Ahh!

Hah!

(GASPS AND WHIMPERS)

He was a lousy tipper. Uh-huh?

It gets hotter the more times it's fired.

(SIZZLING) Aaah!

If I had anything on him, I'd tell you.

And it gets a lot more painful the closer I get.

(PANTING) (CRUNCH)

What's up, doc?

Oh, you're a "wascally wabbit."

But you're not "wascally" enough.

Yeah?

That's a six-shooter.

I just counted six shots.

You've blown your load.

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

Oh. Ha ha.

Yeah, well, what about you?

Your 9-millimeter is empty too.

Yeah, you fired 8 on the rooftop... one in the men's room...

And your second cartridge was expended... at the playground.

And you won't be getting it up... with that gun you took off my man.

Oh, no. Well, you see, like my weapon... it also has the thumbprint safety device.

Oh, really?

Wanna bet?

(ROARING)

(GUN CLICKING)

(CONTINUES ROARING)

(GUNSHOT) (GRUNTS)

Ah... (GASPING)

(GRUNTS)

Nothin' like a good hand job.

(BABY CRYING)

(WHIMPERING)

Get your things.

We're goin'.

(DISTANT SIREN) (D.Q. SPEAKING ITALIAN)

(CONTINUES SPEAKING ITALIAN)

I don't understand a word you're going on about... but I know exactly what you're saying...

And I refuse to apologize.

Damn you, Smith.

I could have been snuffed back there.

Yeah, you should be thanking me for saving your sweet back door.

(BABY GURGLING) Why did you wait so goddamn long?

You're a bad girl, you deserve to be punished.

(DOOR HANDLE RATTLES) Which car do you want?

What? I'm tired of walking.

Look at this.

(BABY GURGLES) You wanna know the difference... between this luxury car and a porcupine?

I give up.

With the car, the pricks are on the inside.

Tell me about it. (BABY GURGLES)

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)

(GASPS)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(CELLPHONE PLAYS RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

(GROANS)

Hello, honey.

Oh, good, good, I'm glad...

I'm glad you liked the flowers. Good.

Listen, sweetie...

I've, uh... I've run into a small hitch.

I think I'm gonna have to be out here for a while longer.

But don't... don't worry.

I will be back in time for Timmy's birthday party...

I swear to you.

Hugs and kisses.

(KISSING SOUNDS) Bye-bye. (CELLPHONE BEEPS)

SMITH: So, what was I supposed to do?

These guys were stalking this pregnant lady.

I couldn't just stand there.

(CAR ENGINE ROARING, TIRES SQUEALING)

Did you see that? I fuckin' hate that.

What? This guy, changin' lanes...

Without signaling. (TIRES SQUEALING)

I mean, how hard is it to use your signal?

So you started shooting at them?

No, I don't carry a piece.

I went to the woman. She had a gun.

They started firing, I shot back.

He's done it again.

(HORN BLARING)

I move my finger one inch...

To use my turn signal.

Why are these assholes so lazy...

They can't move their finger one fucking measly inch...

To drive more safely? (TIRES SQUEALING)

You wanna know why? Not particularly.

Because these rich bastards have to...

Be callous and inconsiderate in the first place...

To make all that money, so when they get on the road...

They can't help themselves. They've gotta be...

Callous and inconsiderate drivers too.

It's in their nature.

Why don't you take the baby to the police?

I can't go to the police. Why not?

I'm the unabomber.

They caught the unabomber.

That's what they think.

Stupid...

Right. That's it.

(ENGINE ROARS, TIRES SQUEAL)

Aah!

You are the angriest man in the world.

If I remember right...

You used to like it like that.

Well, how many freelancers have you got?

Yeah? How many local boys?

I need men, you understand?

I need a lot more men.

(♪ MAX ROMEO: PLAY WITH YOUR PUSSY) ♪ Look out, baby

♪ Listen to my song

(TUTTING GENTLY)

I want four mags... D.Q.: (WHISPERING) Shh.

...a box of 9-millimeter 147 hollow-points...

D.Q.: Shh.

...and give me 50 FMJS.

You're a little short.

You lied. You said you had $5,000.

How about we make up the difference with food stamps?

You wanna buy bullets with food stamps?

It's as good as cash.

D.Q.: You're pathetic, Smith.

We'll wait for you outside.

Look, why don't I sign over this check...

I got at the blood bank to you?

It'll more than cover it.

Throw in that check you got from the sperm bank...

And got yourself a deal.

I don't get that check till Wednesday.

Ha. Listen, why don't you take a half-a box of shells...

And I'll give you the other half...

When you bring me the rest of the money on Wednesday.

Deal.

(MAN GROWLING AND GRUNTING)

(BABY CRYING)

(MAN GROWLING)

(GRUNTING)

Mmm.

(GROWLING)

Ahh!

Ohh!

(GASPS) Damn it, Smith!

What the hell are you doing?

Making some money.

Making some money? Well, yeah.

To buy something for the baby.

Something for the baby?

A bulletproof vest is a better investment than a crib.

(GURGLES) SMITH: Makes me think...

What you'd do to get him in the right school.

So this is it.

SMITH: It's not the ritz but it's home.

D.Q.: Same old Smith.

D.Q.: Down and dirty.

SMITH: Glad you like it.

(SQUEAKING)

Say hello to Mickey. (GASPS)

(SQUEAKING)

(SQUEAKING)

Maybe I should take the baby to the police.

No, you'd never make it.

They'll be watching all the precincts...

Probably got some of the boys in blue on payola too.

(SQUEAKING)

(PILLS RATTLING)

I've rounded up 50 guys.

Well, I guess that's just gonna have to do, huh?

Stop the car. He was here.

Come on, what makes you think he was here?

Trust me. I know what people do and I know what people think.

I always have.

Even as a kid, I had this gift.

Yeah, you shoulda seen the playground hurt I laid down...

Playin' rock, paper, scissors, buddy.

Now stop the car.

Who do you think wants this baby dead?

I've no idea who's tryin' to kill it.

Don't call him an "it."

It's an "it" to me.

Tell me, Smith, is there anything you like?

Yeah, my privacy.

(CHAIN RATTLES, CLUNKING)

Tell me something I don't know per una volta...

Brutto figlio di puttana bastardo.

I love it when you talk like that.

Can I offer you anything?

Carrot?

It's good for your eyesight.

(CRUNCH)

(RATTLING)

Of all the squats in the city...

How does he know Smith's in this one?

Another lucky guess?

Nah, he doesn't guess.

He sees things we don't.

He was once an F.B.I. profiler.

Forensic behavior consultant.

My God, how many times do I have to tell you guys?

Details...

(DOOR UNLOCKS)

...make all the difference in this business.

Hey, but...

Don't... you think you should hang back, sir?

The leader who stays in the rear, takes it in the rear.

Besides...

Violence is one of the most fun things to watch.

D.Q.: Sh, sh. No, no, no, baby, no.

(CRYING) We could call him Oliver.

Oliver? Yeah, like Oliver Twist.

D.Q.: Because he's an orphan?

'Cause I like the book.

You like the book. I didn't hate it.

That's a first.

(MEN TALKING QUIETLY)

HERTZ: Which birthday card do you think I should go with here?

Uh, cute and cuddly?

Or the one that says, "you're becomin' a man now, son"?

Meh.

So, Mr. Hertz? Mm-hm?

How old is your son?

He's 8.

(OLIVER CRYING) WOMAN ON TV: Then it had to be...

Large and powerful and...

(CROWD ROARING ON TV) SMITH: Can you believe it?

(LION ROARING ON TV) There's nothing on the TV...

About any of this. MAN ON TV: ...Without a trace.

(♪ HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (OLIVER STOPS CRYING)

...roadside bomb wounded... (OLIVER CRYING)

We have it in our...

(♪ HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (OLIVER STOPS CRYING)

Hey. Do you notice that?

Notice what?

Look.

Lame-ass politician rants... (OLIVER CRYING)

...about gun control, he cries.

(CRYING)

MAN ON TV: So tonight... Switch to this channel...

With this heavy metal music...

(♪ HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (OLIVER STOPS CRYING)

...he shuts up.

(GURGLES) That's so weird.

(♪ HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

He must find it comforting.

Sir? Yeah?

Men are in place on the roof.

That's good.

Anybody know what a Jimmy Cagney love scene is?

Hm? (ALL MURMURING)

It's where Cagney lets the good guy live.

(ALL LAUGH)

Ah.

And if that happens in this show...

I'm gonna do a lot more than ask for my money back.

All right? Let's kill this mother.

Go.

It doesn't surprise me that Oliver's into death metal.

Look at his surrogate parents.

No, I'm telling ya, this means...

(GRUNTS)

Aah! Aah! Go. Back way.

(♪ MOTORHEAD: ACE OF SPADES PLAYING)

Aaaah! (MAN GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

Aaah! ♪ If you like to gamble

♪ I tell you I'm your man ♪

♪ You win some, lose some, it's still the same to me ♪

(GRUNTS)

Ohh! Agh!

♪ Playing for the high one Aaah!

♪ Dancing with the devil

(GUN CLICKING) ♪ Going with the flow

♪ It's all a game to me ♪

(CRYING)

(GRUNTS) ♪ Seven or eleven

♪ Snake eyes watching you

(GRUNTS)

♪ Double up or quit

♪ Double stake or split

♪ The ace of spades, the ace of spades ♪

(GRUNTS)

Ahh!

♪ You know I'm born to lose ♪ Ooh. ♪ And gambling's for fools ♪ Aargh!

♪ But that's the way I like it, baby ♪

♪ I don't wanna live forever ♪

(GRUNTS)

(BABY GIGGLES)

♪ And don't forget the joker ♪

(BOTH GRUNT)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(MEN SHOUTING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

♪ Pushing up the ante ahh!

♪ I know you've got to see me ♪

♪ Read 'em and weep ♪

♪ The dead man's hand again ♪ aaargh!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

♪ I see it in your eyes

♪ Take one look and die aargh!

(GRUNTS)

Aaargh!

♪ The only thing you see

♪ You know it's gonna be ♪

♪ The ace of spades aargh!

♪ The ace of spades

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(CRYING)

(GASPS)

My God, do we really suck...

Or is this guy really that good?

Come on, boys!

He ain't out of the Briar patch yet!

(BOTH PANTING)

(DOG BARKING)

Shoot the dog, shoot the dog.

No.

Why not? I like dogs.

(DOG CONTINUES BARKING)

Wait a minute.

HERTZ: Oh...

Oh, that rat bastard.

(DOG BARKING) (HERTZ GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(SQUEAKING)

What is it?

It's the baby's diaper.

(SQUELCH) (GRUNTS)

This idea blows, Smith.

It's the only idea we got.

You actually think that Oliver's mother...

Lived near a heavy metal club... (OLIVER GURGLING)

...and that he could hear the music...

While he was still inside the womb?

Yep. That's why he doesn't cry...

When he's listenin' to some headbanger's bash.

Ridiculous. (♪ HEAVY METAL MUSIC, FAINT)

Well, he isn't cryin' now.

(GURGLES)

So this is the only club near where I encountered the baby's mother.

I still say this is a wild hunch.

Yeah? So how do you explain all these boxes of diapers?

Somebody's been stocking up.

Let's find out who.

(♪ HEAVY METAL MUSIC) (PEOPLE WHOOPING)

♪ You sear my legs, song birds cheer ♪

♪ Eat my neck

♪ I can't, I can't let it go grey ♪

(CROWD WHOOPING) ♪ I can't break, I can't break ♪

♪ I can't break, I can't break, I can't break ♪ You the owner of this place?

Who's askin'?

D.Q.: I am.

Can I buy you a drink?

No.

Ooh! Oh!

Oh! Ah. Just as I suspected.

He really is into jewelry.

Ooh! Oh! (GROANING)

Ooh! Who occupies the room upstairs?

Go to hell. Ooh.

Don't mess with me.

You ain't got the cojones.

(GRUNTS) Ohhhh!

MAN: Oh, God.

So who were these guys?

I rented the place to some suit 11 months ago. (GRUNTS)

He paid the whole year in cash.

I... I never saw him again.

I just figured they were usin' the back way.

(GROANS) (KEYS JANGLING)

Beat it.

(SHUDDERING)

Oh, Madonna.

Che orrore!

This is pretty fucked up.

(CRUNCH)


(GASPS)

Sir, it's your Go-to Guy.

All the mothers have been killed.

Only one escaped, temporarily. (D.Q. GASPS)

We found her body and confirmed that she did deliver a child.

The babies were supposed to be delivered covertly.

I guess setting up this maternity factory...

On top of a heavy metal club wasn't particularly secret.

GO-TO GUY: What a fine lot of babysitters we turned out to be.

When Mr. Go-to Guy passes, head to the left.

GO-TO GUY: Yes, sir, I already made the call.

GO-TO GUY: Backup should be arriving any minute.

We'll clean this mess up and try to piece together...

Everything that happened.

Thank you, sir. I appreciate your confidence.

Gentlemen, let's find some answers.

Watch where you step. (CRACKING SOUNDS)

The ice cream is melting. What?

I thought donor sperm was your department.

These freezers are full of samples.

This is weird.

There seems to be only one donor.

One donor?

Yeah.

And a generous one at that.

SMITH: This is bone marrow blood.

It must be for some kind of cure.

How do you know that, Smith?

You didn't hear about my nobel prize?

(BEEP)

(D.Q. SPEAKING, INDISTINCT)

SMITH: See, what it is, it's hard to find marrow...

That matches that of the recipient.

The odds are much better if the donor marrow shares...

The same DNA with the person receiving it.

You mean these people were harvesting babies...

For some guy's bone marrow transplant?

Exactly. And somebody wanted to make sure...

He didn't get it.

That's why they want Oliver dead.

(GRUNTS)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(OLIVER CRYING)

No, my baby, no.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

So I called that guy I know at NBC.

(SIREN BLARING OUTSIDE) D.Q.: That's good.

And then I got to thinking. (OLIVER GURGLING)

You know what I hate?

Oh, here we go again.

I hate those lame action movies...

Where the good guy calls just one person...

Who ends up betrayin' him.

Yeah. That's right up there...

With killing baby seals.

I called ABC, CBS, The Post, The Times...

The local news channel, and the FBI.

So, what do we do next?

I figure we hang here and watch the news.

Once the story goes public, maybe we'll be safe.

Look. He finally went to sleep.

Yeah, you just wait.

The moment you close your eyes for a nap...

He'll start screaming.

You can't take a little pleasure in anything, can you?

You just hate everything.

I don't hate you.

Is that why you picked me?

You know why I picked you.

You have no idea what you've done to me.

We're gonna get out of this, trust me.

You just don't get it.

What?

You bring me this child so I can feed him, take care of him.

A baby that could be dead at any moment.

And you never even think to ask me...

What happened to my own child.

You're right.

It's unforgivable.

No. It's my fault.

It's like what my mamma always said...

"Le uova non devono ballare con le pietre."

If I say I'm sorry will you tell me what that means?

Eggs have no business dancing with stones.

(OLIVER GURGLING)

You know, Smith...

I figured out what you hate most...

Yourself.

What happened to your baby?

Forget about it.

Tell me.

My pimp hit me in the stomach.

My baby...

Was delivered stillborn.

Get off of me! Hey.

(EXHALES)

(SOBBING QUIETLY)

(OLIVER CRYING)

(GURGLING)

Ah, you like this, do ya?

It's called a gun.

(GURGLES)

Grip, slide, breech, barrel, trigger.

Now, this is the business end.

You should never point this...

At anything you don't intend to kill.

Now, this is important.

This is called your safety.

You have to keep this on to make sure...

The gun doesn't go off accidentally.

But really...

This is your number one safety.

(GURGLES)

Are you hungry?

(♪ MIDNIGHT MOVIES: PATIENT EYE PLAYING)

♪ Ah ha

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha

♪ Ah ha

♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha

♪ I watched those youthful paisley eyes ♪

♪ They drink the screen just like a child ♪

(MOANING SOFTLY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Oh!

Oh.

Mm! Mm!

Oh!

(CRYING)

Oh!

(CRYING) D.Q.: Oh!

Oh!

Oh! Uh...

D.Q.: Ah! Oh! Ahh!

(GRUNTS)

Aargh! D.Q.: Oh!

(GRUNTS)

D.Q.: Oh!

Oh, my...

(GRUNTS) Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Ohhh! Ohh!

Oh! Oh.

Aargh!

Oh!

Oh! Ah!

Ohhh!

(GRUNTS)

Talk about shootin' your load.

(GURGLES)

Look at this.

(GURGLES) This is a Hammerson nite tac.

These aren't supposed to hit the streets for 6 months.

This is weird.

All these guys have got 'em.

Don't even tell me.

Do you know how many of our men he's body-bagged now?

Why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?

Doesn't it piss you off a little?

Getting angry releases an enzyme...

Tryptophan hydroxylase...

Which can temporarily reduce the IQ.

That's something I can't afford to do right now.

How do you know all that?

My boy's hooked on the discovery channel.

Take me Westside. I need to report in.

I got a bead on who our Mr. hero is.

SMITH: No more arguments.

I have to do this alone, and the only way I can do it...

Is if I'm positive you two are ok.

This is the only place I know you'll be safe.

A tank?

An m24 tank.

You'll be safe from gunfire and most explosives.

You're whacked.

I am.

I'm also serious.

But nobody's allowed to get in it.

Don't worry. When I create a diversion, you climb inside.

You should have enough of that baby food...

To last you a couple of days.

The, uh, puréed carrots are the best.

Well, you know how to use this, right?

Yes, but what if you don't come back?

That's not gonna happen.

There is no way to be sure.

Yes, there is.

(GASPS SOFTLY)

Tu sei una Stella, la Mia Stella.

CHILD: But, mom, I wanna go home!

WOMAN: Stop whining!

If you don't behave, I am going to spank you.

But, mom, I wanna go home! Stop whining.

Stop it!

I hate it when parents... Oh!

...hit their children. Let go of my arm!

Not until you stop hittin' your kid.

I will discipline my child as I see fit.

How would you like it if I spanked you?

What...? Ow! Ow! (PEOPLE GASPING)

See? Ow! Help!

Doesn't feel so good, does it? BOY: Ha ha ha.

Ow! He... help! Ha ha ha.

Help! Ow! Ow!

What the hell do you think you're doin'?

WOMAN: Ah... ah...

(PEOPLE GASPING, SHOCKED CHATTER)

Ha ha ha. It's not funny.

So, what you got on this all-star ground pounder?

Well, anybody this good had to start out young.

And it's usually because their pop was good at it too.

HERTZ: You know, like MacArthur's dad was a general...

And Mickey Mantle's father played pro ball.

My son is a video game whiz...

And I wasn't too bad at pong myself. Ha ha ha.

HERTZ: Just follow me, if you will, Mr. Hammerson.

HERTZ: In '67, the limeys got hard-ass on gun control.

So a lot of Brit gunsmiths moved to the states.

Now, I've got an inside man at immigration...

Working on which of these guys had sons...

And if any of the boys were crack shots.

I think the pucker factor's gettin' to you.

You got diddly!

Yes, duchess, you a good girl.

Sit.

Yes. Now's your treat. Now you get your treat.

My man has been running the name down...

And he recalled one of these gunsmith kids, actually.

National sports pistol champion at age 10...

Olympic hopeful, recruited by the army.

But after that, the kid is... Kisses, kisses, kisses.

...never heard from again. (KISSING SOUNDS)

Well, that sounds like black ops got him, trained him.

This leads me to a theory.

A theory?

A theory is bull-noogies.

All you got is a man with no name...

Ridin' into town on a pale horse...

Dispensin' his own brand o' justice.

(SLURPING)

Ah.

(SLURPING)

Ah.

(SLURPING)

Ah.

(GRUNTS)

(MUFFLED GRUNTING)

(SLURPING)

(MUFFLED GRUNTING CONTINUES)

Ah.

Hertz, you know why people in this country love guns?

And it's got nothin' to do with all that...

Phallic mumbo jumbo, like "cockin' your gun."

No, Hertz, people love guns...

Because America is a land of opportunity...

Where a poor man can become rich...

(GRUNTS) (DOG WHINES)

...and a pussy can become a tough guy...

If he's got a gun in his hand.

I'm hopin' you're not just a pussy with a gun in your hand.

Oh, no, sir, no.

No, I'm not.

I'm a tough guy with a pussy in my hand.

Hmm. Ha ha ha ha!

HAMMERSON: I want you to give this guy...

And the kid a dirt nap.

Yes, sir.

Right away, sir.

D.Q.: Shh.

Amore mio.

Ssssss.

Don't worry.

Daddy will be back soon.

Hold it! Hold it!

Ha ha ha ha.

Well, well, well, Mr. bunny.

You just keep goin', goin', goin', don't ya?

So do you.

I promise to, uh...

To spare your life if you tell me where...

The woman and child are.

Forget it.

(CRUNCH)

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

(COUGHS) (GRUNTS)

Ho ho ho. Oh, boy.

'Ey, who trained you? Mm?

HERTZ: N.S.A. Black ops? CIA?

The army?

Y... well, whoever.

It seems you haven't lost your aim, champ.

You think that's good, you should see me...

Spell my name in the snow.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh ho ho ho.

'Ey, you know, my boss here...

Thinks that you're the lone ranger or something.

Well, I believe I have a better idea about who you are.

I found out how your wife and son...

Were killed.

My God, what a tragedy.

Some guy walks into a burger joint...

He starts shooting up the place.

Oh, my God, what a shame...

That your wife and son were there...

Having their... chicken nuggets.

(HERTZ TUTS)

What's the matter, ya don't like that story?

Well, then why don't ya tell me one, hm?

Children's story, please.

Oh, I know.

Tell me my favorite, yeah.

Tell me the one about the baby.

(COCKS GUNS) Maybe later...

When I put you to sleep.

(MEN GRUNT)

Go, go!

(BOTH GRUNT)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(GRUNTS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(GRUNTS)


(GRUNTS)

(ALL GRUNT AND GROAN)

So, what do you think of this second amendment now?

(MUFFLED) Fuck you!

Ok, buddy, drop your weapon. (COCKS GUN)

(GRUNTS)

Think we got him?

(CRUNCH)

(GUN FIRING RAPIDLY)

BOTH: Oh!

(GRUNTS) Ohh!

Ahh!

(GRUNTS)

God damn it, Smith!

SMITH: So I found out who's tryin' to kill our baby.

D.Q.: Who? A man named Hammerson.

(OLIVER GURGLING)

Born with a silver spoon up his ass.

Inherited the hammer firearms corporation...

From his old man and makes millions...

Manufacturing weapons.

Does this give you any new ideas...

About who needs Oliver's bone marrow?

No. (OLIVER GURGLING)

It's ok, little Oliver.

SMITH: Shit.

It's him.

SMITH: Senator Rutledge.

If he's elected president...

He'll put Hammerson out of business.

It makes sense, but how can you be sure?

Mr. Go-to Guy called his men a fine lot of babysitters.

The secret service calls their agents who guard VIPs babysitters.

SMITH: It's him, senator Rutledge.

He's the guy that needs this baby.

So we contact this man and then we're safe.

It's over. Are you crazy?

This means that we've got Hammerson...

And the whole of the U.S. government after us.

I think you two have gotta get out of town.

Until I get the answers, you'll never be safe.

They'll be watchin' the trains...

The bus stations and the airports...

So I think this is the safest way to get out of town.

I'm gonna check all of this out, and if everything's ok...

I'll get you before you board the bus.

But... what if you don't get to us before we leave?

Where should I get off?

I think it's better if I don't know.

What? Trust me.

I can't know.

Smith, do you really think this is gonna work?

Just stick to the plan and everything will be all right.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Run!

(GRUNTS)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(GRUNTS)

(OLIVER CRYING)

(GUN CLICKS)

(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(OLIVER CRYING)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

(OLIVER CRYING)


(MEN SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)

So much for wearin' your seat belt.

(OLIVER CRYING)

Haaa!

(TIRES SQUEAL) Ha ha ha ha.

(OLIVER CRYING)

(RECORDING OF OLIVER CRYING SLOWS AND DISTORTS)

What in the hell is that?

(RECORDING DISTORTS, MECHANISM WHIRRING)

Oh, my God, that is twisted.

That sick son of a bitch.

HERTZ: Oh, that sick son of a bitch...

Suckered us again!

(CLUNK, METAL SQUEAKING) (D.Q. GRUNTS)

It's time to go, little boy.

Put me through to whoever's protecting senator Rutledge.

Just tell him there's a man with a baby calling.

(CRUNCH)

Hello, is this Smith?

That was a nice job coverin' up your baby hatchery downtown.

Not a word about it anywhere.

Only you guys in Washington have that kind of pull.

I'm telling you, we're on the same side.

Now, listen, we can do this the easy way or the hard way.

I wanna see the senator.

All right.

He wants to see you too.

He's leaving for north Carolina. The primary's in three days.

GO-TO GUY: You can fly with him. Runway 7, two hours.

I see anythin' I don't like, I'm blowin' this big time.

(AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING)

What were you doing in there?

Cleaning my gun.

Really?

GO-TO GUY: You know, we were never really trying to kill you.

We only wanted to scare you into surrendering.

SMITH: Well, that's one way to explain...

Why you can't shoot straight.

MAN ON TV: In the latest poll, senator Rutledge...

Continues to be the democratic frontrunner...

Heading into next week's super Tuesday primary.

He leads his rival by at least 10 points...

(TV BECOMES INDISTINCT)

I owe you my life.

So this is where you get to do all those hookers.

(COUGHS AND LAUGHS)

I heard about you.

You look worse than you do on TV.

(COUGHS) Yes, it's amazing what a little makeup can do.

And a lot of morphine.

So, you've pieced the whole thing together.

Very clever, Mr. Smith. Very clever.

Simple.

You're the democratic frontrunner for president...

And your sweeping gun control proposals...

Are pissing the wrong...

People off.

Yes, well, if they're pissed now...

Wait until I'm elected president.

We got so many goddamn...

(CRUNCH) ...Gun lobbies out there...

That we're gonna have to set up...

Just as many commissions.

Then maybe we'll get our bill passed in the first year.

Unfortunately, you're sick...

And the gun Nazis found out.

They discovered your baby hatchery...

And, boom, problem solved.

They kill you by killin' the babies.

Correct.

So, where's my savior?

MAN: Oh, my God! Gun! (MEN SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

MAN: Easy, easy.

You know what I hate most? (CHOKING)

Liars. What the hell you doin'?

You made a deal with Hammerson.

No, you're crazy. Am I?

When you got into bed with him...

You also let his dog up on the mattress.

Lookin' at those dog hairs on your trousers...

I'd say old Duchess took a likin' to you.

I don't know what you're talkin' about.

Save the line for when you're in office, Rutledge.

If he ever makes it there.

Do you know what else I hate? (GRUNTS)

Hypocrites. (WHEEZING)

And you're the biggest one of all.

HAMMERSON: Can you blame him for sellin' out?

His operation to find the baby...

Had been tits up from the get-go.

You see, Rutledge called us and he offered us...

A proposition that we had never dreamed was possible.

(GASPS) In exchange for his life...

The senator promised to protect our right...

To go deer hunting with an Uzi.

Oh, come on, Smith. Come on.

Guns don't kill people.

But they sure help.

(GASPING) Back off!

Back off.

Back off or I'll kill him! Oh, please.

Pl... I had to do it.

I want to live. I am meant to be president.

Yeah? Well, you got what it takes.

You put yourself before the people.

I can still do good in other areas.

How you gonna square it with the public?

It is... it is a constitutional right.

Back off! Get back!

I've come around to their way of thinking.

Come around? They had you at "hello."

(GRUNTS) Ah. Oh. Let me give you...

A piece of advice...

Never trust the people who stand to profit, plain and simple.

They're the bad guys.

Come on, Smith, don't be a fool.

GO-TO GUY: The game is over. You rolled the dice, you lost.

(SENATOR GRUNTS)

(LOCKS DOOR)

Let him go, Smith! There's no escape!

Maybe not for me, but there is for the woman and baby.

If I kill Rutledge, no one will need to find them.

They'll be saved.

Your assassination, Rutledge...

Will create a public outrage...

And trigger immense support...

For your proposals.

The sympathy vote in the congress...

Will give your anti-gun bills...

Passage by a landslide.

Your legacy... will live on.

Don't do it!

Then do it.

Let me regain some honor with my...

(BLOOD TRICKLING)

(AC/DC: IF YOU WANT BLOOD [YOU'VE GOT IT] PLAYING)

That son of a bitch.

Son of a bitch!

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

God damn it!

♪ It's criminal ♪

♪ There ought to be a law MAN: Ahhhh! ♪ criminal

♪ There ought to be a whole lot more ♪

(grunts) ♪ You get a nothin' for nothin' ♪

(GRUNTS) ♪ Tell me, who can you trust?

Ahhh!

♪ We got what ya want

(GUN CLICKING)

♪ And you got the lust

♪ If you want blood aaah! (SMITH GRUNTS)

♪ You got it

(GRUNTING) ♪ If you want blood

♪ You got it ahhh!

Ahhh! ♪ Blood on the streets

♪ Blood on the rocks

♪ Blood in the gutter

♪ Every last drop

♪ You want blood

(GRUNTS) ♪ You got it Ah! Ah! Aaah!

♪ O positive

♪ If you want blood (GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING) ♪ You got it

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SQUEAKING)

(CROW CAWING)

(DISTANT TRAIN HORN)

(BREATHING HEAVILY, GRUNTING)

(GROANS)

(CELLPHONE PLAYS RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

Don't move, Mr. hero.

Uhh.

(BEEP) Can't talk right now, honey.

I'm right in the middle of somethin'.

Bye-bye.

(BEEP)


(DOG WHINES)

Don't you worry, duchess.

This isn't gonna happen to you.

Not for a few years, anyway. Ha ha.

(WHINES)

HERTZ: Well, well, well, well, well.

(HERTZ TUTS)

Somebody gets to be smart, and somebody gets to be dumb.

Looks like you and I have finally traded places...

Huh, sport?

Ha ha ha ha.

Yes, indeed.

The circle of life.

The circle-a jerk of life.

Ah! Oh, you have such a way with words.

Now... (SMITH GRUNTS)

...I want you to tell me...

Where the woman and the child are.

Tell me, or I will be forced to cause you...

Considerable agony.

Believe me...

Nothing could be more painful...

Than listenin' to you jabberin' on and on.

Oh?

(BONE CRUNCHING) Aahhh!

(ECHOING) Again, I ask...

Where are the woman and child?

Oh. That's the last time you'll be doin' that.

(BONE CRUNCHING) Aahhh!

(ECHOING) Just tell me what I wanna hear.

It's your choice when the pain stops.

Why are you doin' this? (BREATHING HEAVILY)

It's over.

It shortly will be, yeah.

No, I really should thank you.

I just got a bigger contract because of you.

I mean, I wasn't just on Hammerson's payroll, you know.

What are you babbling on about now?

Do you really think the people that employ me...

Were just gonna bend over and take your little stunt...

Killing the senator?

There's no way that you can cover up this whole thing.

No?

Haven't you heard the news? Mm?

The senator's plane crashed into the east river.

They haven't been able to find the body of senator Rutledge.

So, you see, once I silence you and the woman...

The cover-up will be complete.

So, once again, I ask you...

Where are the woman and child?

You know how I'd break your finger?

Ha ha ha. My boy told me this one.

You'd punch me in the nose.

I'd kick you in the ass.

Ha ha ha ha. Very amusing.

I give that one the ol' thumbs up!

(BONE CRUNCHING) Aaaahh!

D.Q.: What if you don't get to us before we leave?

HERTZ: Oh, I know your whole story.

That man who went on the shooting spree...

In the restaurant.

He visited the little gun shop...

That you inherited from your dad.

HERTZ: I found out how your wife and son were killed.

You sold him the pair of shotguns...

(ECHOING) Shotguns.

...that killed your own wife and boy.

D.Q.: (ECHOING) Oh!

I'm not telling you... A goddamn thing.

(BONE CRUNCHING) Aahhh!

Where are you, Smith? (SIGHS)

(GRUNTS)

Well, well, well, well, well.

We're gonna need somethin' a little more invasive.

(INHALES DEEPLY AND GROWLS)

Heh heh heh.

(GROWLS)

That's it.

(GRUNTS) (GRUNTS)

(♪ IGGY POP: PRIVATE HELL PLAYING) (ROARS)

(GRUNTS)

Aargh! (GROWLS)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

(GUNSHOT) (GRUNTS)

Aren't guns just fucking great, Hammerson?

♪ Of excellent quality

♪ I've dwelt there for years ♪

♪ Playing with my fears

♪ It's tasteful, luxurious, and full of sexuality ♪

(GRUNTS)

♪ And though there are tears

♪ I control them with my gears ha ha. ♪ well, all in all

♪ I must tell you

♪ Well, I must tell you ha ha ha ha. ♪ I'm so ♪

♪ Proud of my private hell ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah ha ha!

Ahh ha ha ha ha!

'Ey.

Who's a hotshot now, huh?

(GASPING)

(CRACKING)

(GRUNTS)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Oh, yes, sirree, Bob.

It certainly has been a pleasure.

But before we part ways...

Tell me one thing.

I am dead on...

About who you are, right?

Say that again?

I said, I am dead...

Stop.

That part of it you got right.

(GRUNTS)

(SIZZLING)

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS)

(CHOKING SOUNDS)

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

(CELLPHONE PLAYS RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES)

It's the wife.

(GRUNTS, CHOKES)

Hi, honey.

Uh...

She's leaving me.

You know what I really hate?

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS, WHEEZES)

(BOTH GRUNT AND GROAN)

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

Aaaaahhh!

What I really hate...

...is a pussy with a gun in his hand.

(CHOKING SOUND)

(DOG WHINING)

(WHINING)

MAN ON TV: Investigators discovered the body...

Of senator Rutledge today.

The FBI stated an anonymous tip led them to the remains.

(DOG GROWLS)

(DOG WHINES)

(QUIET CHATTER)

D.Q.: Shhh, don't worry, little boy.

Mama will be watching you while she's working.

(GURGLING)

Oliver.

Hello.

What took you so long?

(GURGLING)

(CLATTERING, SMASHING)

(SLURPING)

(SLURPING CONTINUES)

All right, this is a robbery!

(PEOPLE SCREAMING) Empty the drawer, all of it.

Everyone else, freeze!

Do it or I'll fucking blow your head off!

(SLURPING)

He said freeze.

That means don't even pucker your butthole.

That's right. No puckering, nobody dies.

So don't fuckin' move.

We're kinda in a rush here, man! Come on!

You know what I hate?

Shut up and sit on this, asshole.

That's right! You heard him!

(GRUNTS)

(♪ MÖTLEY CRÜE: KICKSTART MY HEART PLAYING)

(GASPS)

Aaaaah! (D.Q. GASPS)

Ah!

(WHIMPERING)

Ahhh! Ahh!

Ahhh!

(BOTH WHIMPERING)

Ohhh!

(SLURPING)

(SLURPING STOPS) (D.Q. WHIMPERING)

(GRUNTS)

♪ Yeah

♪ Kickstart my heart, give it a start ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Baby

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Kickstart my heart, hope it never stops ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Baby, yeah, yeah

♪ Skydive naked from an aeroplane ♪

♪ Or a lady with a body from outer space ♪

♪ My heart, my heart

♪ Kickstart my heart

♪ Say I got trouble, trouble in my eyes ♪

♪ I'm just looking for another good time ♪

(BLOWING) ♪ My heart, my heart

♪ Kickstart my heart

♪ Yeah, are you ready, girls?

♪ Yeah, are you ready now?

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Kickstart my heart

(CRUNCH) ♪ Give it a start

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Baby

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Kickstart my heart, hope it never stops ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, baby

♪ Ooh, yeah aaargh!

♪ Kickstart my heart, hope it never stops ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah

♪ Baby