Shooting Elizabeth (1992) Script

HOWARD: It always starts with a chase.

I don't know why I'm chasing her or what I'm gonna do if I catch her, but I'm calling out her name, "Elizabeth, Elizabeth..."

And it's like she doesn't hear, she doesn't answer.

And then, all of a sudden...

I... I... I'd lose my footing and in what might be the last moments of my life, uh, suddenly she...

She's there again.

And then I... Then I wake up...

And I feel good, I feel glad I've had the dream, 'cause I think what it means is that basically we care about each other and I'm feeling good about being married, till she turns over and then I realize that the woman in my dream

wasn't my wife.

How long have you having this dream?

Since my honeymoon.

ALL: Surprise!


♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday dear Howard

♪ Happy birthday to you Elizabeth, thank you.

You're so sweet.

For planning this. Oh, God, look at you.

What a doll. Thank you.

Thank you for being an hour and a half late.

Just had to do this to me, huh?

Do what to you?

I didn't know to be home at a certain time.

Hey, are you getting mad?

What are you getting mad for?

Wait a minute, didn't I... Wait.

I said this morning, "Do we have plans tonight?

"Are we doing anything tonight?"

-I think you said, "Not that I know of." -Howard, knock it off.

You knew I was gonna have a surprise party for you.

How would I know that?

How would I know that, "Not that I know of," really means, "Be home at 7:00 for a surprise party"?

It's a surprise party. That's what that means that I don't know about it.

Hey, birthday boy, how are you doing?

Great. Good.

You look good. You look good.

I feel good. I really feel...

I feel like shit. I'm just... I feel like...

Oh, I don't know, I may be turning 40, or maybe it's Elizabeth. Maybe it's Elizabeth.

I thought things were better between you two.

Well, they're not better. They've never been better.

Last week, you said that things were better.

Well, maybe better than the week before, but not... not good.

Better than bad maybe, but not... not better.

Not... Not better.

-Yes, sir. -MAN: Hello.

Happy birthday, Howard.

Hey, thank you. Thank you.

Listen, Elizabeth looks fantastic.

Yeah, I... I don't know what it is, um...

I don't come straight home from work anymore.


I dream. I'm dreaming things, I walk around at the park.

I sit in coffee shops for hours talking to strangers.

Something's going on. I don't know.

I don't know what it is.

Hey, Howard, it's your birthday.

Why don't you really treat yourself to something?

Maybe... Maybe buy yourself that boat.

I can't afford that boat.

Come on, finance it. How about the Porsche?

You've always had your eye on the Porsche.

What am I gonna do with a car in the city for?

Or maybe I should buy it. I don't know.

-What do you think? -Howard, it's your birthday.

Treat yourself.

Hey, chulapo.


-Congratulations. -It's your day.

-Thank you. Thank you. -Your wife looks great.

You're gonna have to tell me that later, okay?

HOWARD: So, I tell these guys, "Look, I've been in the water business for 15 years now

"and I remember when the whole thing was turning on and off the sink, "but now, with distillation..."

Oh, Howard, don't talk about work. Nobody cares about the water business.

Carmen, I wanted to talk to you.

I was thinking of taking Howard camping down at La Grande this summer...

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you mean...

What do you mean, "No one cares about the water business"?

Oh, honey, I didn't mean it that way.

He's just being sensitive because it's his birthday.

So, then he says to the, um, lawyer, "What's two plus two?"

And the lawyer says, "Well, don't quote me on this, "but it's probably more than three and less than five."


And next as the accountant quotes what's two plus two, and the accountant says...

"How much do you want it to be?"

-[BOTH LAUGHING] -Elizabeth, that's a good one.

Elizabeth, I am an accountant and your joke gives me a bad reputation.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

You can't be so serious.

Santiago, no, it's... You know, it's my joke. My joke.

Howard, are you all right?

Fine. Fine.



Howard. Howard. Howard, don't.

Don't what? I didn't do anything.

I saw the dentist today, and I'm swollen.

[SIGHING] On your arm?

Your dentist made it swollen in your...

Where, where is it swollen?

No, I just... I thought it was something else.

Read your book, honey.

You know, I'm no marriage counselor, but...

I... I think it's... I think it's trouble when arm touching becomes the start of a fight.



Oh, my God.

Howard, Howard, come on. Every morning?

Not me every morning, them.

I'm sleeping every morning.

There, see, it worked.

-[BANGING ON WALL] -MAN: Screw you.


Just once, for me to be woken up by sex, I'd like to be the one having it.


Happy birthday to you.

MAN: He's coming. He's coming.


Who told?


Howard, they're gathered in the boardroom. We have a meeting, remember?

-Oh... -What is it, a holiday?

Well, actually, it's my birthday, too, so in a way, yeah.

♪ Happy birthday to you Really? Congratulations. How old are you?


Take a guess.

I don't wanna guess. Just tell me.

No, no. Come on. How old do I look?

I don't know. Maybe, uh, 44?

Forty four?

What are you talking about? I don't look 44.

You asked me to guess. I don't know how old do you look.

I look 40. That's how old I am, 40. I'm 40.

Okay, so, you look 40.

Don't agree if you don't mean it.

You think I look 44, wow.


You know, I remember when the whole water business was turning on and off the sink.


But then came distillation, and then purification, and then carbonation and then sweetening.

And now the water business is a $485 million a year industry with 290 bottled waters alone.

So, the question is, why do you wanna buy ours?


Why... Why... Why ours? Why not the Evian?

The Perrier, the Sparkletts, New York Seltzer, Calistoga, Glaceau, Arrowhead...


ELIZABETH: He's just being sensitive because it's his birthday.

Why ours?



ELIZABETH: You're such a wimp.

Huh? I'm sorry.

Why yours?

You were saying why yours.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I gotta...

ELIZABETH: Howard, nobody cares about the water business.

Why don't you have a glass of water?

Some salesman.

Won't even drink his own water.

-Hi. -Hi.

Go on ahead, I got so many... I got so many keys.

Yes, I know, I have to thin this thing out.


Oh, I'm really embarrassed.

You're the guy from the laundry room.

From the light, I couldn't tell, but...

Well, you know I'm standing here and I'm wanting to open the door

-because... -What, you thought I was...

Oh, I apologize. Yes, I apologize.

Just in the light, I didn't see.

Oh, anyway, I'm embarrassed.

Hey. Hey. No. No. Don't be. You want to hear something?

-I did the same thing. -Oh, really?

I had the key all along.

It's just, these days, you gotta be so careful.

-Oh, definitely. -And it makes me...

There are people out there who'd just bludgeon me.

That's all they do. That's their job.

Oh, well, I'm Luis, 5F.

-Howard, 4J. -Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Let me. Let me open this.

-Don't be ridiculous, I got it. -I am serious, please.


-Go ahead. -Please, go ahead.

-Oh, thank you. -Very funny.

Oh, it's been one of those days.

-It's my birthday. -Oh, really?


-Oh well, thank you, thank you. -Congratulations.

-LUIS: Nice to meet you. -HOWARD: Nice to see you.

I'm sorry.

See you again.

Hey, what are you doing? This isn't your floor.

Well, yeah, I don't really live in this building.

Let's go, 4J, open up.

I've never seen you in the laundry room.

I've never even been in the laundry room.

Come on, open the door.


Hey, my wife is sleeping, you know.

If she sees a man with a gun, it's gonna scare her to death.

You don't want that. Wife scared to death.

I don't give a shit, birthday boy.

Get the jewelry, come on.


Take it easy. Take it easy.




Jesus, she's a very heavy sleeper.



-[ELIZABETH EXCLAIMS] -Don't be alarmed, honey.

Howard, there's a man in my room.

Yeah, we're being robbed. He's a burglar.

-Howard. -Yeah.

-There's a man in my room. -Yeah, I know that, sweety...

He's a burglar, and he's robbing us.

-...and there's a man in my room. -It's because he's a burglar, and he's robbing us! If you'd listen to me.

You never listen to me for Christ's sake.

-Just give me the jewelry, and I'll get out of here. -Fine. Fine.

Okay, okay. Take it easy. Just calm down.

Put the gun down.

Elizabeth, where's your diamond necklace?

What diamond necklace?

Elizabeth, we have insurance. We'll get another one.

Where's the... Where's the diamond necklace?

I lent it to a friend, Howard.

Hey, hey, hey, don't push me. You're pushing me here.

What the hell are you trying to do, Elizabeth? Get us killed?

The guy has a gun.

Where's the diamond necklace for Christ's sake?

-Is it loaded? -What?

-What? -Is the gun loaded?

Hey, you wanna try?

I don't want to... I don't know if the gun's loaded.

I haven't asked him. Do you wanna ask him?

You know, it's not an interview. It's a mugging.

Look, I don't know what the hell's going on here, but this is really weird shit.

Just give me the bloody necklace, -and I'll get the hell out of here. -Calm down. Calm down. We will.

-You'll get what you want. -Hey, what's she doing, man?

She's calling the police.

Oh, she's calling the... Why is she testing me, man?

I'll do it.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

-Put the phone down. Put the phone down. -Howard. Howard!

Howard, the man is shaking like a leaf.

There's a puddle of perspiration under him so big you could swim in it. There are no bullets in the gun.

-He's just confused. -[GUN COCKING]

I have one number, and I will shoot you!

-Okay, okay, do whatever the hell... -Howard, my hero.

You're bigger than he is, you're taller than he is.

But no, just go ahead and let him take everything.

Yeah, don't test me.



Hi, I'd like to report a robbery in progress.

I'm gonna do it, man.


Uh, yeah. Yeah, he has a gun.

I am gonna do it, man!

Do it.

Don't do it.

Man, you guys are screwed up.

No, I said, "Don't do it."

-This is weird shit, man. -Don't... Don't do it.

Nice to meet you.

I said, "Don't do it."

Hey, you heard me say don't...

"Don't do it."


HOWARD: With everybody else, she's charming and warm, but with me, you know, it's a little snip here, a bite there. It's like the old Chinese water torture, you know.

You don't notice anything at first, but over a long period of time...

Howard, we have talked about this.

If something bothers you, and you say nothing, you can't expect other people to change.

And lately, I feel just so ineffective.

I feel totally impotent

-at work, socially... -In bed?

Huh? I don't know. We don't have sex, so...

Maybe I am. I wouldn't have any way to gauge it.

Howard, you must take control of your life.

When something bothers you, you must address it immediately.

Yes, you're right. Well, that's what I'm gonna do.

If something, you know...

Starting now, if something bothers me, I'm just gonna...


Just gonna jump on it. Like, you know what bothers me?

You're doodling.

Okay. Very good.

It's just that it helps me to think.

But it makes me think too, you see?

So, when I'm trying to think about what's really on my mind, I can't because I'm too busy thinking about what you're doodling.

Howard, I apologize.

Now you see how simple that is?

Dr. De-Miguel, do I recommend him?

Oh, absolutely.

Well, just an average shrink with above average prices, but a great, great doodler.

DE-MIGUEL: Okay, Howard, I think you made your point.

Ridiculing me is quite uncalled for.

Well, you know a lot of things seem uncalled for.

Goddammit, I'm a 44 year-old man at 40.

It's her fault.

With her sarcasm and insults and... [SIGHS] remarks.

Sapped me of my confidence.

Howard, I want you to do something for me.

It's your birthday.

I want you to make a list of all the things that make Howard happy.

The things that make Howard smile whether it's a week in Caribbean, or leasing a sports car, or a day in the country, or even a chocolate milkshake.

What? What?

Run. Run. Where have you been? I've been waiting.

-What happened? -What's the emergency?

Charlie, I decided what I want for my birthday.

That's the emergency?

Howard, I've got someone seeing me with a root canal.

-You said I should treat myself, right? -Yeah, sure you should.

Even if it's not exactly what Elizabeth wants, it doesn't matter, right?

Yeah, it's what you want. It's your birthday.

-Do I look happy? -Yeah, you look great.

-You bought the boat. -No, do I still look...

Do I seem like I look happy?

The Porsche! You got the Porsche!

-I seem happy, don't I? -Yeah, you look great.

Yeah, I decided what I want, really want for my birthday.

So Elizabeth and I fly down to Costa Brava.

Good. Great. Great.

-And spend a few days there. -Yeah, perfect. That's just what you need.

-On the night before we come back... -Yeah.

-I'm gonna shoot her. -All right!

You're gonna do what?

Buy a gun, while I'm down there I'm gonna shoot her.

You're gonna kill Elizabeth?

The doctor said I should treat myself.

You said it, the doctor said it.

Howard, he meant maybe a new tennis racket, maybe golf balls.

Charlie, Charlie, I thought you'd be happy for me.

-Oh, sure... -For the first time in I don't know how long, I feel like I've something to look forward to.

Well, sure, sure. But if you expect me to take you seriously, I mean, there are better ways to deal with these things, Howard.

-Divorce? No, I can't divorce her. -Sure, you can.

No, I couldn't take it. I couldn't take it.

She'd be successful. She'd...

Dating, career... I can't take it.

No, she's ruined the last 13 years, and I'm not gonna let her ruin the next 13 years. It's all panned out.

Next week, we're going on a little vacation.

We're going back to the honeymoon spot.

Thirteen years ago, Costa Brava.

You know, I was gonna give her one last chance to harass the cab drivers.

The Eden Roc please, and we've been there a million times before, so no special shortcuts.

Why do you have to put him on the defensive like that?

HOWARD: And then, she'll do a little ball-breaking with the hotel staff, give them a hard time.

Before you go, we're gonna check out the bathroom together.

Hygiene standards really aren't what they used to be and believe me, it's gonna save us both a lot of trouble if you make sure everything is right now.

HOWARD: Now, very important, I've reserved the honeymoon suite, the same room we had that has this great terrace, that overlooks the ocean and has a drop straight down on a great, great reef where she'll be deposited.

And of course, I know she'll be putting me down in one way or another.


For Christ's sake, your thing is showing. You wanna cover up?

HOWARD: And then, I take a cab, I zip across to the other part of town, where you can get anything you need, which in my case is a Smith & Wesson six-shot revolver.

Oh, nice weapon. Just perfect.

Now, here's where I'm a genius. It's perfect.

I'm gonna get her to write a "Thank you" note to the concierge

"Dear Concierge, sorry we're leaving so soon, but thanks for all your help."

And then I underline just a few words, pick a few words out of that.

Uh, "Dear Howard, I'm sorry, "but I'm leaving you. Elizabeth"

You see, it becomes her goodbye letter to me.

A perfect alibi.

[CHUCKLING] It's perfect. And then, the final night, I'll get her somehow to have dinner with me in the room sit her down, and that's when I tell her what I really wanted for my birthday, and why exactly, and how I'm gonna get it.

And then...


And she goes over the edge and out with the tide.

And I show the cops her note.

Then I come back home, and you pick me up at the airport, act real surprised.

And that's it. I'm free and I'm single.

Oh, it's all I've left, Charlie.

She's taken everything else away from me.

[SIGHING] I'm really gonna try this weekend, Carmen.

Howard seems to be in a great mood.

Maybe this trip is just what the marriage needs.

Sweety, let's go. Gotta go.

Yeah, I have to go. I'll call you when I get back.

I really hope this brings us closer together.

I don't know how much longer I can take things the way they are.

Okay. Thanks. Bye.

-Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon. -Yes.

-Welcome to Catalonia. -Thank you.

-I hope you enjoy your stay. -Well, I'm sure we will.

Aren't you gonna give him your speech?

You know, these cabbies.

Oh, I'm sure it's gonna be fine.

It's good to be back, isn't it?

HOWARD: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon. We're checking in.

MAN: I have you for three nights in the honeymoon suite.

There's quite a lovely view.

Well, we actually stayed here 13 years ago on our honeymoon.

And it was great having a view of the ocean.

The ocean?

Oh, my goodness. That was a long time ago.

That was the old honeymoon suite.


The old honeymoon suite?

Oh, yes. When we made the new building, we changed everything.

It's much better now. You will like it very much.

What... What do you mean, you changed the...

Changed the honeymoon suite?

It is now the dining room.

The new honeymoon suite is much better. Much quieter.

-[CHUCKLING] -MAN: With a wonderful view of the tropical garden.

You can't just... You can't just change the honeymoon suite.

But the gardens are quite extraordinary, sir.

No, no, that's not the point.

The honeymoon suite is, uh, sacred. You cherish

-Howard... -the honeymoon suite.

Howard, I'm sure it'll be fine.

No! Dreams are made in the honeymoon suite, families planned, children conceived.

You know, it's not just furniture you're moving, it's a legacy.

I think when you see the garden, sir, you'll have a change of heart.

There are over three dozen exotic birds and owls.

Birds? What is he... What are you talking about birds for?

I didn't come 400 miles to see birds and owls.

And owls? I came to see the ocean.

I want the old... I want the old honeymoon suite.

Howard, we can't sleep in the dining room.

Well, I do have one room that looks out on the ocean, sir, but it's a bit smaller.


ELIZABETH: Oh, Howard.

They brought us extra towels.

You know, they really do a good job here.

I'm glad we came back.



Wish me luck.

GUN DEALER: So, you need a silencer with that?

Silencer? No.

It's just for fishing. I'm not trying to hide anything.

Or... Uh, or...

Don't want to scare all the fish away.

That's... Yes, a silencer.

That would be... My wife would probably prefer that.

That's a good idea. [INHALES]


That's some long walk. Where did you go?


Where did I go? Oh, God.

Oh, I just went, you know...

Where didn't I go? All around the...

You must've seen the...

Ah, I think I went to just... Just... Hey, oh, I got an idea.

You know, the concierge has been so helpful to us, I think we should...

Would it be crazy to write a note thanking him?

I'm way ahead of you. I already wrote him a note.

Did you? Oh.


-So... -Hey, that's good. That makes it easy.

What did you see on your walk?

Hey, can I see the note?

I've already sealed it, but it's fine.

I mean, it's, you know, your general, "We had a good time.

"Thanks for your help." It's a nothing note, but it's fine.

Well, I'd like to see it anyway.

-You know, we can get a new... -Howard.


Why are you doing this?

Well, a nothing note. Is that what you said?

-[ELIZABETH SIGHING] -You know, I mean that attitude.

You know, I mean, a really nothing nothing?

I mean, he's the concierge for God's sake.

Our concierge, you know.

I mean, how often do you get a chance to express yourself in writing to the concierge of a major international hotel chain?

I know you're skeptical, but I mean, really?

It's true. An exact wording is so important...

-All right. -Why do I have to explain it to you?

-You wanna see the note? -Sure.

-Fine. -Oh.

Or, you know...

Because, you know, if we do this right, this kinda thing could lead to upgrades, complimentary brunches and free weekends.


-"Dear Concierge, -Okay.

"though it was short, we want to thank you

"for making our vacation so memorable.

"Elizabeth and Howard. Room 201."

Are you happy?

I think we need to rewrite the note.

I don't give a shit, Howard.

-No. -You can write whatever you want.

I liked it. It was a good start.

Oh. I got it. I got it.

-I got it. -Howard, whatever you want.

No, it has to be Elizabeth.

It has to be in your hand-writing.

It's much more effective that way. You know that.

Please, here, try this.

Try this. "Dear Concierge."

I'm... "Dear Concierge."

That was yours, of course. I'm not trying to steal your thunder.

But you know, what was wrong with that?

It's... You know, it's conventional, but, you're interesting, it's very... It's right there.

Don't start off too rococo. Keep it simple.

"Dear Concierge." That's a keeper. Okay.


I had it.

"I'm sorry...

"...Howard and I are leaving so soon.

"But thanks for all your help.

"Elizabeth Pigeon."

[SIGHING] You should've been a writer, Howard.

"Dear Howard, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving you. Elizabeth."

Howard? What are you doing?

I'm gonna go up to the room.

What is it with you and the room?

Every ten minutes you go into the room.

What, have you got a girl up there?



A girl? No, I'm just gonna check some messages.

"Do you have a girl up there?"

That's great.



Hey, good news. We got into the dining room.


Sweetheart, what... [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Oh, the dining room? When did we get into it you said?

Tonight. Our last night here.

The concierge got us in just at the last minute.

I really think it's something to do with that note of yours.

Uh-huh. Sweetheart.

But... But darling, we talked about this.

We were gonna eat in the room tonight.

Right? Don't you remember that?

It was our last night here, and we were gonna eat in the room. Right?

Yes, yes, I do.

It's just that that was before we got into the dining room.

Howard, this is a five-star restaurant.

Oh, angel.

Don't try to impress me with stars.

Okay? I'm a 40 year-old man.

Uh, you know, I've seen a lot of things.

I've been to a hotel before. I'm not a hick.

You know, a restaurant of five stars does not... does not impress me, you know.

Okay, we'll eat in the room.


Oh, that makes... Oh, you're a... Mmm. Mmm.

[STUTTERING] I'll meet you here at eight o'clock then.

Everything okay, Mrs. Pigeon?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, everything's fine. Thanks.

Okay. Good. Good.

That's very good. Thank you. Appreciate it.


Nice romantic dinner with my wife.

That's perfect.

It's good.

Anything else?

No, no, that's it. That's it. Thanks.

Good, good, good. Come on, come on, come on.


-Are you all right, sir? -Yes, yes.

Why? How are you? What's up?

Sorry for noticing, but you seem a little flustered.

No, I'm fine. I'm just fine.

Go and get a purse of gold. A purse of gold for you.

-Thank you very much. -You're very grateful.

-Oh. -Perhaps, if you lie down.

You lie down. You lie down.

-You're sure you're okay? -I'm fine.



Yes. Yes, honey.

Be right there.

Here I come.

Yes, Darling.


I'm just... Oh, hang on a second, honey.

Here I come.

Here I come.


Hi, sir, I'm here to turn down the beds.

No, no. No time. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, pillow mints, sir.

Pillow mints? What is that? I don't know what that means.

Well, your wife seems to like them, you know. Pillow mints.

Oh yes. Thank you. Very good. Pillow mints. Pillow mints.

Two enough? I have more in the cart.

Two is good. Thank you. Two is fine. Thank you.

Sir, are you feeling all right?

Can I get you a cold compress or something?

Go away, go away, go away.

-WOMAN: Bye. -Bye.



Come on. 8:35.

Late. Late!


Typical, typical, typical!


What the hell's going on?

-[MAN SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE] -Sorry, I thought it was someone else.

Oh, I... I don't Sprechen...



My bride, light of my life, sit.

Sit. Take a seat.

Let me show you something. Let me show you something.

I bought it just to...

Yeah? What do you think?

What do you think? You think it's loaded?

A wimp who probably have left the bullets in the drawer.

Don't you think so?

Oh, I'm sorry, do guns make you nervous?

What about if I point them at you?


Oh, Elizabeth. Oh, sweety.

Thirteen years.

Thirteen shitty...

Shitty years. How did I let it get to that?

How did I just screw up so much of my life?

Huh? On our first date, you criticized me for going back too many times to the salad bar.

Why did I have a second date?

My God!

It's my own fault.

Well, you looked cute. You looked cute.

You know, and you had a sense of humor.

But then two dates became three, you know, and when it seemed like we were gonna break up, instead, we got married.

[CHUCKLES] That was a good idea.

And when it looked like that was gonna end for some God unknown reason, we decided to have kids and then that whole...

[INHALES DEEPLY] the miscarriage thing, and... before you know it I'm an old man.

And that's been my life.

A lifetime of jokes, and insults.

Ridiculing me in front of my friends and my colleagues about the way I drive, my poor sense of direction.

My poor table manners, the way I dress, the way I shave...

The way I shave? The way I shave?

What the hell do you care about the way I shave?

Nobody's watching. Nobody's watching.

I asked at least ten other guys if their wives comment on the way they shave, they look at me like I was freaking crazy.

Shave? They said if their wives talked to them like that they'd put 'em in their place.

Well, Elizabeth, you're going to your place, and you're going there fast!

Real fast, and when you get there you can... You can criticize, and you can complain, and bitch, and bray, and pick and pick and pick and continue to be the big pain in the ass that you've always been

'cause for the first time in 13 years, I'm gonna be laughing.

I'm gonna be laughing 'cause I won't have to be there.

-Freaking... -[GUNSHOT]

What? Hello!


What? Oh!

What am I doing?


What am I doing?

My God.


What if she was...

What was I thinking?

What was I thinking?

Get a divorce.

Or talk it out, all right?

I can't kill my wife. I...

I can't kill my wife.


I'm having a heart attack. Heart attack!

[GROANING] Calm down.

Calm down. You're okay. You're okay.

Yeah, you get a divorce.

Uh, you... You talk it out.

You join a gym, get your life back.

You'll be okay.

Thank you, God. Thank you for not letting me kill my wife.

I... I'll get a divorce.

-Thank you, God. -[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Elizabeth, 45 minutes late. Rudeness.

Where I come from, it's called just plain...

MAN: Are you okay, sir? It's Officer Gomez from security.

Yes, I'm fine.

I'm doing fine.

Doing fine.

GOMEZ: I heard a gunshot. Is everything okay?

Oh, um...

I can't hear you. I'm sorry, I'm washing...

Uh, what's that say?

-GOMEZ: Are you okay, sir? -What's that?

-It's Officer Gomez from security. -Uh-huh.

-Uh... -I heard a gunshot.

Yes. Be right there.



GOMEZ: A gunshot was heard from your room.

MAN: What's going on?

HOWARD: No gunshot. No. No.


Yeah, that must have been the TV.

TV's off, sir.

Yeah, now it is.

You know, I turned it off after the battle scene.

Uh, my wife and I were having dinner, we were gonna be having dinner.

But so that's why I was...

I was washing, and...

Is she here? Your wife?

No, no, she's, uh...

She's late.

We were... This is our last night here.

We were gonna have dinner in the room. Originally, we were gonna have dinner downstairs in the restaurant.

It's a five-restaurant. Well, I'm sure you know that.

Uh, but this being the last night, you know, I thought... It's good.

Sir, are you okay?

Me? No. Yes, I'm fine.

You look flushed.

Perhaps, you should lie down.

That's a good idea. I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna lie down and wait for my wife.

Or just sit down. Just sit down. [CLEARS THROAT]

Wait for her.

You have a nice evening.

You too, sir.








Oh, hi, sir, I was just coming to make the bed, but...


Well, sorry to disturb you.

Good morning, Mr. Pigeon.

-Hi. -Table for two?

Uh, no, thanks. I'm not eating.

Buffet or menu, sir?

Neither. I just said I'm not...

Uh... Excuse me.

Have you... Was my wife here this morning?

Did you see her here?

No, I haven't seen her, sir.

Perhaps, at the pool.



This is Howard.

Howard, how is that vacation going?

Listen, have you heard from Elizabeth?

Elizabeth? No. Was she trying to call me?

No, no, uh...

I just... She must have taken a walk or something.

I haven't seen her around the hotel.

I thought maybe she called you.

Anyway... So, we'll be home in a few days.

Well, have a nice flight back.

Here's Charlie. Hold on. Bye.

He can't find Elizabeth.


What do you mean you can't find her?

No, no, Charlie, it's not... It's not what you think.

I don't know what it is, but uh, you know, last night I was gonna do it, and she never showed up in the room.

Well, that's odd.

Yeah. I thought you two were having such a good time together.

Look, I'm sure she'll turn up.

Okay. See ya, Howie. Bye.

He loves her so much.

She'll be back.

Caught you looking.

Oh. Hi.

[LAUGHING] Don't worry.

If I run into your wife I won't tell her.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, sorry.

Sorry about last night.

Thinking the TV was a gunshot.

-Oh... -[LAUGHING]

Thank you.


-Hi. -Hey.

-Mr. Pigeon? -Yes.

I'm Detective Delrio, Barcelona police force.

It's been 24 hours since your wife was reported missing.

On holidays here it often happens, you know, but these 24 hours are your problem, and after that it's mine.

-Yeah. -I...

I sympathize with you, Mr. Pigeon.

These freaking young guys going up and down the beach with their surfboards, and flashing their fancy muscles and ribbon stomachs around to other tourists.

That's what we're competing with.

Guys of our age.

Well, I'm 40.

Oh, I've seen it all before.

Some go completely to pieces.

I don't think so, man.

Is that what you're...

I don't think so if that's what you're talking about.

I think she may be in some kind of danger, or...

Mr. Pigeon, I give you my word.

I will let no stone go unturned until I find out what happened to your wife. You know it's my job.

But listen, don't...

-You know, I mean, you've got a life too. -Oh yes, but...

So don't... you know. I'm fine.

I'll be fine.

I mean, I'll be miserable, but considering everything...

-But Mr. Pigeon... -I'm fine.

Take it easy, take it easy.

If anything has happened to your wife, it'll only be a matter of time.


Mr. Pigeon?

Yes. Oh.

-Thank you. -Thank you very much.

Thank you.

What an unusual... Unusual boy.

"Dear Howard, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving you. Elizabeth."

Excuse me.

She left.

She left.

She left.

I'm sorry.


Howard. [CHUCKLES]

Carmen's at the front of the car. Good flight?

Oh, yes, yes. So good.

Thanks for picking me up. So...

Can you believe this? She actually left me?

No, I can't. You must be very sad.

Well, sad is not exactly the word, but did I get off lucky or what?

I'm sure she'll come back.

I know it would really hurt you if she didn't.


What the hell are you talking about?

I feel we're being followed.

"You must be very sad." No.

Hey, hey. That's what you told me to say.

-No. -You told me to pick you up at the airport, console you, and say you must be very sad.

I know how much you loved her. That was the plan.

We're not on the plan anymore, Charlie.

Plan's off. There's a new plan. Plan is, she left me.

-Fine, okay. -Okay?

Nobody's following us, nobody's listening to us, she just left.

-Okay? -Fine.


What are you doing about it?

Charlie, I'm gonna hurt you.

I'm bigger than you, and I can hurt you.

What do you expect me to think?

You told me to pick you up at the airport, and start this conversation about how amazing it is that she left you.

Yeah, but that's what happened.

That's what happened. I mean, come on, we're best friends.

We have a bond.

Howard, we have a bond. We have a bond.

If I can't tell you something to believe me, then what am I gonna do?

-I believe you. I believe you. -You do?

Anything you say, I'm right behind you. Well, like you said...

-I believe you. -Good.



Was she in pain?


Oh, Howard, we heard what happened to you and Elizabeth.

You take her for holiday and look how she thanks you.

Hey, what's going on?

Howard's wife left him.

-Oh, isn't that typical of women? -No, it's okay.

Oh, Jesus. I'm sorry, Howard.

WOMAN: Howard?

If I can help you out talking to you or anything, just let me know.

HOWARD: Hey, thanks.

VOICEMAIL: [BEEPING] Hi, Howard, this is Paco.

I'm calling to just try and make you tell me what happened, man.

That's terrible. I just don't know what to say.

Give me a ring when you get back.

-These are for you. -Oh, thank you.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Yes? Anything else?

VOICEMAIL: Hi, Howard, it's Julia from the office.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

VOICEMAIL: Give me a call when you get back, and let's get together, okay?


Who's this? Uh, "Dear Howard, maybe this will help your worries.

"The company has decided to put you in charge

"of the new mountain raspberry drink account starting Monday.


I got promoted.

[CHUCKLES] I got promoted for being abandoned?




HOWARD: This is unbelievable.

I mean, I didn't have to shoot anybody, I didn't have to go to court, I got the house, the bank account, got the sympathy.

[MAN ON PHONE] Hey, birthday boy. So it's getting a bit rough.

Think of this as an excuse to get into...

HOWARD: It's like the greatest divorce settlement of all time.

It's like nothing could possibly go wrong.

[MAN ON PHONE] ...and we need a fourth. You're our man.

-[SPEAKING SPANISH] -That's really great.

That's really great. That's great. Thank you.

Dad, look! Look what I got!

Look what I got. Dad! Dad!

I caught a fish!

It's really, really big one.

Tug and reel, son. Tug and reel.


Oh, I'm so excited to be hitting the golf ball again.

I haven't played in probably ten years.

Why they changed the size of the equipment, I don't under...


I stride the earth like a colossus.

Mr. Pigeon.

We were wondering if we could have a moment of your time.


Hey, hey, hey. Hang on a second.


Oh, oh. Detective Delrio.

What... Wow. What are you doing?

This is a coincidence, isn't it?

Oh, excuse me.

This is Detective Sanchez.

Hey, say can I borrow your pillow on the next hole?

I left mine at home.


Well, this is not my pillow, Mr. Pigeon.

This is my evidence.

Around September 25th, your wife, Elizabeth Pigeon, was shot and discarded by you in your hotel room.

I can smell murder a mile away, Mr. Pigeon.

Hey, I... You've got it wrong.

My wife, uh, left me.

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Pigeon.

I'm a married man too.

Fifteen years. [SIGHS]

You think it's all been easy?


You don't think I too thought about doing what you did?

Every man thinks about it at least once in his life.

The difference is most men live by the law.

And you too, Mr. Pigeon, will live by the law.

Good day, Mr. Pigeon.

I look forward to our next visit.

MAN: Who was that?

Uh... Old friend of mine.

Just showed up, and... What a surprise.

[CHUCKLES] Great guy.

Great guy that... Hey, let's all have a beer later.

I'm gonna arrange that.

Howard, are you okay?

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm fine. I'm just shocked to see...

Must have been years since I've seen him. Great guy.

Super guy.

I'm so excited for you to see this. I'm very excited.

You don't seem as excited.

HOWARD: No, I'm very excited.

You know, I've been waiting for a new line for a year now. So...


JUAN: I mean, if you can sell this, this will take over the top.

Here it is.

You are the first to taste it from marketing.

So this is big.

Hey, good morning. I'm excited.

-I'm excited. Hi. -Let's try the mountain raspberry first.


-Mr. Pigeon? -Yes.

What do you think?


The siebel grape.

-No, that's mountain raspberry. -Yeah, I know, but it tastes like the siebel grape.

What does he mean?

He thinks it tastes like the siebel grape.

It does, there's no difference between this and the siebel.

Howard, there is a world of difference.

This siebel is from Spain.

The mountain raspberry is picked in special vineyards in Northern California.

Yeah, but it doesn't matter where they're from.

What matters is, you know, they taste different.

There's something.

That scares me, Howard. That really scares me.

We have a lot of money invested in the new line.

Let me, let me, uh, try the other.

Everyone who looks at this might just disagree.

I think it's a wonderful flavor. and quite different.

That's a jello lime.

This one's really terrific.

-I think you'll go to the roof. -Mmm-hmm.


What do you mean, "tangy"?

It just seems to be a little, I don't know...


In a bad way tangy?

Tangy sounds bad.

Used to be "tang" worked, but there was a whole space promotion behind it.

Maybe the word I'm looking for is "tart."

-Tart. -What?

Howard, are you feeling all right?

I'm fine. I'm just... It tasted tangy to me at first.

I didn't know it was gonna be quite that...

Mr. Pigeon, there's a woman on the phone for you who says it's important.

HOWARD: Oh, thank you.





Men come into your house, looking everything. Messy!




-Excuse me. -Oh, thank you very much.

I don't know, it's just stupid.

I get trouble with my keys.

Hey! I live here.


Hey, hey, put that down.

What the hell are you doing? Look at this.

Look. Hey, Delrio, that's it.

You don't have a warrant, so I want you to pack up your men, and I want you to get out of my house right now, -and I mean now. -I have a warrant.

In that case, feel free to look around.

You want something to eat, or...

Oh, thank you, Mr. Pigeon.

But I believe we found what we were looking for.

Evidence exhibit C please, Sancho.

What's that?


Uh, "Dear Howard, I'm sorry, but I'm leaving you."

"Don't bother looking for me, I'm leaving you."

"It's no use, Howard, but I'm leaving you."

And what do we call this, Mr. Pigeon?

No, no, no. That's... That's...

You'll excuse me if I don't stay for lunch, but murder has a funny way of taking away my appetite.


Well, I could well appreciate it, but still, no, no. That's... There is an explanation for that.

That's just... That doesn't mean a thing. That's how we...

I dream of the day when all crime and murder will cease to exist.

But I'm afraid that dream still remains a dream.

And you, Mr. Pigeon, I'm sorry to say are about to experience one hell of a nightmare.


We'll be in touch.


I'm sure it's nothing, Charlie, there's no press.

CHARLIE: Howard, I'm worried about this. I'm gonna make a call.

I've got a cousin who's a lawyer, okay?

-[PHONE RINGING] -Hang on. Hello.

-Howard? -Hey, what's up, Chief?

Can you come to my office?

Yeah, be right there.

I mean, you know, what could they have on me?

There's no body, there's no insurance, and besides, I didn't do it.

So, they don't have dick. So, you know...

Your reaction to the siebel grape yesterday, and to call that other flavor tangy, I don't know.

Yes, well, I tell you, it's an amazing thing.

I came back today, and I tried it again. I had a whole new feel for it.

Must have... Must have had a bad taste in my mouth.

That scares me, Howard. That really scares me.

I depend on your senses.

If you tell me we are in trouble, I jump.


Well, then relax, sir, 'cause we've got a winner.

That's not all that disturbs me.

Lately, you seem very on edge.

I know you are going through a dramatic experience being left and all, but I want your head here, in the office.

Sir, you can count on me.

-I'm here. Hundred and... two hundred percent. -Hmm.

Two hundred percent.

Is there anything else going on in your life?

No, no, everything is great.

You know, I love the work. I love the work, and everything in my life is going well.

I can't think of anything that's...

Let me see. No, everything just happens to be going well.


Sancho, please, incapacitate this man.


Mr. Pigeon, it's my duty and pleasure to inform you that under the Spanish law, you are officially under arrest for the murder of Elizabeth Pigeon.

This is obviously some mistake.

Please take this man to his place of judgment.

Let me go downtown and deal with this.

And we'll get right to work on the new campaign. Okay?


Right thumb, please.

No, this is all a mistake, so we don't really need to be doing this.

Right thumb please.

Okay, but I don't have to sit in that cell.


Hey, what took you so long?

Howard, Victoria. She's family, so we can trust her.

-Yeah. -Plus, she's giving us a rate.

-Look, we need to move fast here. -Yeah.

I reviewed the files on the way over.

Yes, and I'm sure you see what a huge mistake this is.

You know, just a total misunderstanding.

Well, that of course, is what I will try to convince the jury.

What jury? No, this is a mistake.

I didn't kill anybody. I don't think this is about going to jail or anything.

Any time you go to trial, Howard, there's the possibility of a conviction.

Now, in reviewing the case, there are certain things in our favor.

There's no body. Is there?

No, no, no.

There's no insurance motive, there are no fingerprints.

Right. Right.

But on the other hand, Howard, there is quite a bit of evidence.

The gun, the pillow, witnesses reporting suspicious behavior, and of course, the letters.

Yeah, yeah, but there's an explanation to all that, you know.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

I'd like to hear it. Give me the whole story.

-From the top. -Yes.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Okay! Uh, the gun was mine.

And the pillow. It was all mine, it was all mine.

Because, um...

[CHUCKLES] And if you knew me you'd know how crazy this sounds.

I was going to...

[STUTTERING] I was gonna kill my wife.

-[LAUGHING] -Ree! Ree!

It's just the tone. But...

And here's the freaky part.

The night I was gonna do it, that's the same night she chose to leave me.

So, when the gun went off by accident, they hear the gunshot, I get rid of the gun, probably not a good idea.

She's missing and now this.

You know. It's just a total...

See what the problem is?

It's just the truth.

It's crazy. I had to hear it a few times before I believed it.

Okay, let me explain something to you, Howard.

I am the only thing you have standing between you and a possible conviction.

And the only way I can effectively defend you is if I know the whole truth.


That was the truth.

All right. Now let's pretend we just met.

And tell me what happened with your wife.

Why do I have to pretend? I just told her what happened.

For my sake, let me hear it again.

From the top. Mm?


Hi, my name is Victoria. Nice to meet you.

-Why am I shaking her hand? We did this already. -Just shake it. Yeah.

She's doing us a favor.

What kind of favor is she doing us? She doesn't even believe me.

I'm better off talking straight to the judge. He'll believe me.

The against Howard Pigeon will take place is Barcelona.

This court will be involved only in the preliminary hearings and setting the bail, which I will declare to be the sum of 25 million pesetas.

Twenty-five million pesetas?

That's 250,000 dollars.

I don't... I can't... I don't have that kind of money.

The water business doesn't make that kind of money.

VICTORIA: Leave it to me.

Leave it to me.

Your Honor, in light of the fact that my client has no prior convictions, firm roots in the community, and 11 years at the same place of employment, I would like to ask for a reduction in bail.

I think she's impressing him.

I have a good feeling about this.

-Looks good. -Yeah. All right.

But Barcelona?

After due consideration, your application to reconsider and reduce the original bail, bearing in mind the severity of this case is denied.


VICTORIA: Thank you, Your Honor.

What was all that about?

He said no.

So you thanked him? He said no, and you thanked him?

Well yes, what else can I do?

Not thank him. You certainly didn't have to thank him.


This is why I don't like to fight for your friend, Charlie.

I always end up the bad guy.

-Relax, Howard. -What now?

We'll figure something out.

I can probably get bail by morning.


By morning? What the...

What do you mean? I have to sleep in there?

I can't do that. I can't sleep in the cell.


-They're not gonna make me do that, are they? -Trust me.




Twenty two hours.

I can't believe you let me sit in there for 22 hours.

CHARLIE: Well, Carmen wouldn't let me put up the house for collateral.

I had to shift some things.

What did she think? I'm gonna jump bail or what?

Hey, look, Howard, I believe you.

But Carmen's got her theories.

Well, you and Elizabeth didn't get along too well.

No, I hope other people trust me more than that.

Listen, I gotta get home and make some calls.

Thanks though for everything. I do appreciate it.




-Hi, Howard, it's Juan. -Oh, Juan.

Listen, we saw it in the paper today.

The paper? No. No!

What the hell happened?

Oh, Juan, you know, it's a mistake.

I mean, you know me.

If I find a spider, I'd pick it up and I'd put it outside.

I... It's just a huge, huge mistake.


I'll see you tonight at dinner. I gotta call the office right away.

Well, that's the thing, Howard.

Listen, we're a little bit uncomfortable about this.

It's not we don't believe you. It's just...

Juan, Juan.

I'll speak to you later, okay?

How is it not going to affect anything?

It's a public scandal.

I mean in regards to my work.

So, my work will not suffer.

It's all a mistake and I'm gonna clear it up immediately.

I promise you.

Oh, sorry. Howard, I saw the way she treated you last year on the Christmas party and I don't blame you one bit.

Yeah, but blame me for what? I didn't...

-I didn't do it! -Howard.


You are a company-comes-first kind of guy, right?

And there are certain circumstances in which we are forced to think of the company first.


What, are you... What, are you firing me?

[STUTTERING] You're not letting me go, are you?

Think about the image.

It's not a good image.

Of course, it's not a good image.

I didn't choose the image.

I didn't say, "Hey, enough of this nice guy stuff, "let me try something a little more edge." And I got slapped with it.

I mean the company, not you personally.

-Well, screw the company. -What?

What is the company? The company is people.

It's me, it's you.

"Screw the company"?

I think this conversation has come to an end.

You know what I think?

I think the only thing that stinks more than this is that new God awful mountain raspberry drink.

It's putrid sewer water.

Sewer water concocted to induce vomiting.

You tell me what to do, Charlie. I'm just...

Everybody's turning on me. I'm scared.

Look, Howard, just relax. Okay?

He did it. I know he did it. I read in the paper.

Let the filling dry. Just hold it.

Hurt this woman. Drill her, please.

Look, Howard, you're gonna be fine. Okay?

Victoria feels that if the evidences didn't get any worse, she can discount certain things that had...

Well, you're gonna be fine, Howard.

I mean, it's not like they're gonna find any more evidence.


That's just good shit, Chano.



How many times do I have to tell you not to call it shit, man?

I was just saying it was good stuff.

Well, you didn't say it's good stuff.

You always call it shit.

People don't wanna pay $500 on us for shit.

You gotta get out of that habit.


Everybody calls it shit.

It's just a term. It's not like it's shit.

Just you know... [CLEARS THROAT]

Shit, man.

I hope I didn't come at a bad time.

MAN ON TV: Evidence continues to accumulate against Howard Pigeon as only four weeks remain before he stands trial for the alleged murder of his wife.

Further in the day, I spoke with members of the staff at the sea-side resort hotel where Mr. Pigeon took his wife on what was supposedly his second honeymoon.

NEWS CASTER: You were in charge of turning down the beds during Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon's stay at the hotel.

I don't believe this.

Could you tell me what, if anything, you noticed?

Well, Mr. Pigeon was very nervous.

The whole trip he acted guilty.

She was very nice though.

NEWS CASTER: Could you describe exactly what you mean by "nervous"?

PILLOW MINT MAID: Well, I asked him if I could turn down the sheets.

But he seemed to be in a hurry.

I called him... I asked him if he wanted any pillow mints, because his wife seemed to like them.

And he took two of them.

But, when I offered him two more, he rushed me out the door.

Do you think Mr. Pigeon ate those two pillow mints?

Who gives a shit about the pillow mints? Jesus!

Well, I had left at that point, but he said he would give 'em to his wife.

Nice lady.

Loved mints.

Well. Well, you really got me this time.

You really got me, Elizabeth.


So, where are we with this?

We're in shit is where we are.

What's that?

Your friendly gun dealer just turned on you.

What? What's that?

Apparently, he got beat up for drugs.

Made some kind of a deal with Delrio.

If he admits to selling you the gun, then they drop the drug possession charges.

But they can't do that, can they? That's illegal.

[SCOFFS] They can do whatever they want.

Look. I've been gathering other witnesses for you, trying to put together evidence of a happy marriage.

I think I can discount this guy Chano's credibility, but I don't wanna be unrealistic about our chances.

So, what are you telling me?

What I'm telling you is unless Elizabeth shows up on TV tonight at the bull-fight kissing some matador, you are in trouble, Howard.

If she's really alive, you have to find her.

That was her.

That was her.

That was her.

MAN: Good afternoon, sir, what number are you calling about?

Yes, 4560426. The name is Pigeon. Howard Pigeon.

Uh, listen. A call was billed to my credit card incorrectly.

I was wondering what address that call was made from.

MAN: I'll report it to the supervisor, sir.

We can't give that information out.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

Somebody used my credit card.

Do you have the bill? I see it there.

It's that one minute call. That's incorrect.

We'll credit you for the call, sir. Thank you for calling.

No, no. Don't hang up. Don't hang up.

Hello? Hello?

Yeah. No, I don't want the money. I don't want the money.

I want justice. Justice.

Somewhere in the world somebody's using my credit card to make calls.

True. It's only happened once.

And, uh...

The call's only gone on for one minute.

But still, what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do if something was...

Ten calls or 100 calls, when the calls go on for hours?

Please! I need that address!

Yeah, okay, okay. It was made from a pay-phone at Hotel Los Picos, Catalonia.

Hotel Los Picos, Catalonia.


Los Pecos, Catalonia.

VICTORIA: Your Honor, I would like to ask the court for a 24-hour extension.

I'm sure my client will have a valid excuse for his absence.

HOWARD: Okay, that's... We've been on the road an hour now.

This is the Los Pecos, Catalonia.

You know, I assumed you took me on the pretense that you knew where that was.

I thought you knew where that was.

Is it the Hotel Los Pecos, Catalonia?

Do you know where Catalonia is?

Catalonia? Are we anywhere near Catalonia?

He's panicking now.

I can smell him in the air.

I can feel him.

He's made a mistake and he knows it.

He's running around trying to cover his tracks.

But only he knows where the body is.

And he will lead us to it.

They all make one mistake.

And when they do, Delrio is there to catch them.


Come on.

I expected more of you, Mr. Pigeon.

So predictable.

[CHUCKLES] So predictable.

This is for you, and this for you. Good luck

-Thank you. -Bye bye.

-Yes, sir? -Hi. Hi.

Checking in?

Uh, no. Well, let's see.

I have a package for Mrs. Pigeon.

Elizabeth Pigeon. If you could tell me her room number.

Pigeon. Pigeon. Yeah, sir. One moment.

Pigeon. Um, um...

No Pigeon, sir.

What? No, I know my wife is here.

She made a call from here five days ago.

She's about 5'8", dark hair, full-figured.

-Full-figured woman. -No, I don't know.

She'd have probably complained a lot, uh, not enough towels in the room, sheets too dirty, floors aren't clean enough, that kind of thing.

I... I know the one you mean, Miss Tifler.

Tifler. That's her maiden name. That's right.

-What's her room number? -Tifler, not Pigeon.

-Tifler. Tifler. -Not Pigeon.

Room. Well, she checked out yesterday morning.


Did she say where she was going?

Uh, she go into the mountains.


Oh, hiking. Gotta get a guide.

[STUTTERING] How do I get to this church?

Relax. Please, sir, I'll make an appointment for you.

Uh, looks steep. You're a prince. Thank you.

What day would you like to go hiking?

What day? This day. Today. Now. Now.

Now, please.

I think in that case, you have to go to the church by yourself right across the street.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you.

And you're sure one of these guides is gonna stay with me till I find the woman I'm looking for?

Sure, sure. Please relax.

Relax. And if you're lucky, you'll get the mad mountaineer.

And he'll stay with you till you get a whole bunch of women.



Excuse me, excuse me. Excuse me.

Hello. Father, Father, I'm inquiring about the hiking.

-Around the back of the church. -Thank you. Whoa!

Well it's...

Closed for holiday?

What... What holiday?



Hello! Anybody?

Mad mountaineer, anybody?


Excuse me. Father.

Say, pardon me. I have to go hiking. I gotta find somebody.

There's a sign that says, "Closed for Holiday."

It's St. Ponziano day.

St. Ponziano day? What is that? I've never heard of that.

Yes, business is closed.

And there's no hiking on that day?

Surely people go hiking.

And don't tell me the mad mountaineer forgoes his hiking to observe a holiday. What kind of mad mountaineer would that be?

I'm sorry. There's no one on duty.

Okay, well maybe you would know.

Was there a woman here yesterday who set off to go hiking?

Yes. A Miss Tifler?

Yes, well, that's my wife and looks like I'm just gonna have to go find her by myself.

Uh, if you could point me the trail...

No, no, no.

Without an experienced climber, you'll get lost.

And you could get hurt.

I suggest you wait till the holiday ends.

Well, that's a good suggestion, except by the time the holiday ends, I'm gonna be checking into a room at the county jail for 25 years to life.


I need a guide.

I need the guide.

Father Chu gives advice on many subjects if you care to talk about it.


Well, you know, what's there to talk about?

St. Panziano day.

Say I'm just gonna enjoy the holiday like everybody else.

Why not? I mean, sure, the holidays have turned on me, too.

And these local tourists, and this goddamn...

Um... Excuse my language.

Father, mad mountaineer?

Jesus. Sure, he's turned on me.

That makes sense almost. I mean, who hasn't?

You know, my friends, the law.

Hey, listen, thank God for the holiday I was just starting to think I had it too easy.

Is it a woman at the center of your troubles?

DELRIO: Police.

Can you identify this man?

He was looking for a woman.

She wasn't here.

Miss Tifler had checked out the day before to go climbing.

Miss Tifler you say.

And was she traveling with anyone? In a group?

RECEPTIONIST: No, no, no. She was going by herself.

By herself?

Thank you.

And what did I do?

I just started to blame Elizabeth for everything.

You know? For all the bad traffic, for every bad day at the office.

For every father passing on the street holding a little girl, or a little boy's hand, I just blamed her. I blamed her.

She's not responsible for traffic.

No, of course not. That's right.

But somebody had to be responsible.

You know, all these things were happening to me, and I couldn't say a word about it to anybody.

You know, I had to take some action.

I had to take some control.

I had to do something!

But why the time I thought the thing to do was to shoot my wife.

But she was here yesterday.

Right, right, 'cause I didn't do it.

I didn't do it. But who believe me? Nobody.

'Cause, you know, they found the gun, they found the letter I'd written in her handwriting, and, my lawyer doesn't believe me, the cops don't believe me, my friends don't believe me.

But I'm thinking... I'm thinking that the one person in the whole world who would believe me is her.

See it's Elizabeth who'd believe that I didn't do it not just 'cause she's alive.

But 'cause she's the only person who really knows me, which is why I guess I can't stand her so much.

She knows all my weaknesses and fears and I have so many weaknesses and fears one of which is that she knows all my weaknesses and fears.

Uh, and that's the truth.

You know, I haven't been a very good husband, but I don't deserve to go to jail.

I don't know what to do. I need to find my wife.

And that's why I need the guide.

I will help you find your wife, my son.


I am the one they call the mad mountaineer.



FATHER CHU: Hi, Sebastian.

Hi, Father Chu. You're going up the mountain?

Me and Mr. Pigeon are on a quest of great significance.

We need a complete backpack set.

Compass, canteen, tent, everything.

All right. Have you seen the weather up there?

It's gonna change, Father Chu.

This a quest much too important to worry about weather.

Uh... Oh. I'll give you this. This pack.

It's 3000 pesetas. Is it all right?

So, you'll have this, and then you'll have that.

That's about 1500, I think so.


Is something the matter?

No, nothing, nothing. It's all right.

I mean nothing's wrong here. I mean I've got it all.

Oh, do you want a compass? It's 300 pesetas.

I don't know if we need it. I don't know.

Uh... Rope! You need some rope. Wait right here.

We're having a sale.

We must... We must go.

Here hold this.


[WHISPERING] It's the guy from the papers.

The murderer from Madrid, he'n the shop right now.


Well, all right. I'll try and hold him in here for as long as I can.


Yes, I think he used to live in Brooklyn. Yes.

Here we go. Ah, so that should cover it.

'Cause I think we're gonna eschew the rope.

No, no, no. Here, let me show you how to make a slipknot for the tent, all right? Hmm?

Sebastian, I know how to make a slipknot.

Come on, we gotta get out of here.

Yes, I know, I know, but I think it'd be good for him to know it also. All right?

I mean, it's fairly simple.

Just put your hands out like this.

Then you tighten this part...

Ah, what the hell are you... Okay, okay, no. Look, we're gonna take the rope.

-It's good. Thank you. -Good.

-Good. Thank you. -Yes.

Now, come on, Sebastian. We're in a hurry.

Oh, what about a rug?

I'll give you ten percent off. A rug, a wonderful rug.

-Colorful rug. -No, thank you.


How about some hiking boots?

I'll give you 30 percent off. Come on, 30 percent.

Business must be slow, huh?

No, he's just trying to make a buck.

I remember when I was like that.

Could never take no for an answer.

Thirty five percent. That's my final offer, Father. Thirty five percent.

The road splits here again.

Some footsteps go one way, some the other.

I don't see any... Any footsteps at all.

What size shoe does your wife wear, Mr. Pigeon?

Shoe? Six and a half, seven, I think.


This track's about a seven.

You can tell it was made by a woman.

The arc is different.

He was with a priest you say?

And which way was he going?

Oh, the main path. But that path splits off ten different ways.

Come sunrise, we will begin up the mountain.

This man is dirt, and we will treat him as such.

We will carry him on the bottom of our feet.

We will use a doormat, so we will not have to bring him into our homes and then we'll wash the mat to rid ourselves of him and the memory of him.

Are we clear, gentlemen?


Okay, men.

Let's go get him so we can all sleep safely in our beds.

Come on. Let's go.

HOWARD: She's been working advertising. That's how we met.

She still work?


No, about five years ago, we decided to have a kid.

And she thought she'd stop working so she could spend more time with the baby.

Only the baby didn't work out.

We went through the whole thing, sought, and... and the name all picked out, nurse, crib...

Just wasn't breathing when it was born.

He... He wasn't breathing.


FATHER CHU: Mr. Howard!

Please come immediately.

Mr. Howard!

[GROANING] Where do you get the energy?


What is it?

You never mentioned how attractive Mrs. Pigeon was.

[PANTING] I didn't really remember how attractive she was.


Hey, hey.

Chu, don't. That's my wife.

Come on, come on. What...

Mr. Howard is jealous.

Mr. Howard is gonna bop you. Come on, come on.

Okay, we close in in the morning.

We stop here.


That was great. Thanks.

We should secure up for the night.

Shall I prepare another tent?

-Well... -Oh.

Whatever you...

Oh no, this is silly. What are you...

Well, however you're more comfortable. You want...

Would you like your own tent?

Well, sure. I guess I should.

I mean, yeah, if it's no trouble.

-Really, either way I guess. -Yeah.

I'll make another tent.

-Please, thank you. -Okay. Thanks, Mr. Chu.

I mean it makes sense.

You know, we are both adults, and we're splitting up, I think.

Yeah, well, we don't get along.

Right. We don't.

We argue. That's all we ever do.

Yeah, yeah. So...

You know, we should just go back and be adults, and you know, get on with our lives, and get a divorce, and...

I agree. Absolutely.

Yeah, I think.

I mean, you know I still find you attractive.

And so funny.

You're right. I mean, individually, we really like each other.

But for some reason when we get together, I mean, we just wanna kill each other.

That's... That's right.

That's right.



Good night.

Good night.

You know, being alone these past few weeks, I really think it's been good for me.

Really? Yeah. Oh, for me too.

It kinda lets you put things in perspective.

-Exactly. -Yeah.

I mean, like you coming after me, that's the sort of thing that before would have made me really mad.

And now, I'm just happy that you came.

No. Why... Why would it make you mad?

Hmm. I used to be so jealous of you, Howard.

I mean, the way nothing ever really seem to get to you.

You were always so casual about everything. So strong.


Well, look at you, I mean, I leave you. Most guys would have had a nervous breakdown, but you, you just come running after me.

Oh, well...

You know, we get ripped off by a cabby, and you just go with it.

Friends cancel for dinner, you're happier than if they hadn't.

You really... You really never let anything get in your way.

And like when our baby didn't get to be our baby...


You were so strong about it and I wasn't.

You know, that was hard on both of us.

But we had to go on.

And we did. We did go on.

[CHUCKLES] No, I didn't.

You went back to work, and you went on, but...

But I never went on.

No, baby, that's not true.

You know, it didn't work, but...

You were willing to try again and I think that's the important thing.

No, I wasn't.


I went on the pill, Howard.

I didn't want to get pregnant again. I was too scared.

You know, I... [SNIFFLES]

I couldn't go through another nine months, and then...

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

I tried to be so strong, Howard, but I wasn't.

All our friends were having kids, showing me these pictures of little boys and girls.

I mean, I quit my career for that.

Only when I'm working, and they went on raising families and I just watched them.

And I'm 34 and I feel like all I've done is watch.

FATHER CHU: Good night, Mr. and Mrs. Pigeon.

-Good night, Mr. Chu. -Good night, Mr. Chu.

-Thank you. -Thanks.


[SIGHING] So, maybe we...

Maybe we were better off just to start over.

You know, fresh.

New people, new lives...

-New everything. -Yeah.

'Cause, you know, we're certainly not too old.

You're 34, I'm 40.

Look at Chu. The man is 140 years old and he's got more energy than the both of us.

No, he is 140. Last Aug... No.

-[ELIZABETH LAUGHING] -September. September. That's right.


Thanks, Howard.

You're so sweet.

Let's go.


I think we're gonna make great exes than we did spouses.

-Huh? -Wow.

Wouldn't that be...

Wouldn't that be something?

Good night, Howard.

Good night.


DELRIO: Freeze!

Freeze, Pigeon. Now!

Howard. What's going on?

Detective Delrio.

You idiot. Can I introduce you to somebody?

This is Elizabeth Pigeon, my wife.

-Excuse me, sir. -Hey!

This is not Mrs. Pigeon, this is Miss Tifler, sir.

Oh, shut up. Let me do my job, please.

Huh? Okay?

Pigeon, we found the gun you bought.

The gun?

We have all the letters in your wife's handwriting

-and your pathetic attempts to doctor them. -Letters? What letters?

You are already going to jail for murdering your wife.

Inspector, this is a big mistake.

It's a huge mistake.

You imbecile, just ask her who she is.

This is Elizabeth. This is my wife.

You bought a gun for what? What letters?

We know where your wife went, Pigeon.

Down to the rocks with the gun and the pillow.

It's only a matter of time until the body washes up.

Just like you, Pigeon, all washed up.


-He's a... -Howard?

Yes, it's not what it sounds like.

-Did you buy a gun? -Yes, I bought a gun.

But it's... Can you clear this up in one second?

Ask her who she is. This is Elizabeth. Ask her.

DELRIO: Okay. Ma'am, can you identify this man as your husband?

Inspector, I've never seen this man before in my entire life.



Okay, take this man away for good.

Don't do this to me. Elizabeth, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it. Not jail again!

No! No!


HOWARD: Oh, I know how it feels.

So, is that the water with a fizz and lemon flavor?

Ah! No, that's the... You're close.

You're close. That's Calistoga, I think you're thinking of.

No, we deal with the more exotic, uh, flavors, you know.

If you have a card, I'll send you a sampling.

ELIZABETH: Mr. Pigeon, I presume.

Yeah. Yeah.


Here's the deal, Howard.

I'm thinking about bailing you out.

And I've been adding up the pluses and the minuses.

And if I go to the trouble, I want a few things in return.

Yes, well.

Elizabeth, can you have 'em open the cell?

We need to talk, Howard.

We need to start saying what's on our minds. We need to communicate.

Say, communicate with the guard, and get the key.

Do you think we can make it work this time?

I do.

Yeah, I think we can.


Uh, open the cell.


Howard, let's go to the hotel.

I haven't wanted to be alone with you in nine years.

What about your dental work?

Not a problem.

No headaches?

Hmm. Already took my aspirin.

And the neighbors aren't gonna bother you?

I wanna have babies with you.

I wanna try again.

Home Shopping Network, or the traditional way?

Eden Roc hotel please.

And no fancy shortcuts. We've been there before.

You tell 'em, Howard.


HOWARD: I'd like to keep the gun, just in case.