Short Cuts (1993) Script

MAN: The time has come to go to war again.

Not with Iraq, international terrorists, or what was once Yugoslavia, but with the medfly, a potentially devastating insect that has chosen to make California its new home.

Despite assurances that spraying poses no significant health risks to the public, the public is not convinced.

People sense they're being kept in the dark purposely.

Furthermore, there is no consensus as to whether the objectives are even realistic.

Is this a war that can be won?

Some say no.

Are we just going through the motions so certain people can cover themselves?

-MAN: Honey, it's on! -COMMENTATOR: Some say yes.

-Okay, I'm coming. -How is this war fought?

It's like fishing. We use bait.

Actually, the bait is spread over our city at night, like a glaze.

This is very discriminate bait, -Do you have to wear your glasses on TV? -like smart bombs

-Shh. -that destroy one thing, but nothing else.

The bait attracts the hungry, newly hatched medflies and poisons only them.

The war's objective is clear – destroy the medfly before it has a chance to destroy us.

♪♪


All right.

Look over there. -♪♪ Marian, what's so interesting?

Isn't that Alex Trebek?

-Alex Trebek? Where? -Next to the woman with the white hair.

Is that Alex Trebek?

MARIAN: Yes, I'm sure it is.

Who's Alex Trebek?

Marian.

Please.


COMMENTATOR: ...taken their time adopting a policy of coexistence with the medfly

'cause that's the only realistic course open to us.

WOMAN: Oh, Andy, you're a long ways away.

I'm in LA. Can you hear the helicopters?

What are you wearing?

Already? That was fast.

♪♪ WOMAN: ♪ If you're looking for a rainbow ♪

♪ You know there's gonna be some rain ♪

♪ One minute you're filled with happiness ♪

♪ Next minute there's nothing but pain ♪

♪ When you're a prisoner ♪

♪ And I'm a prisoner ♪

♪ I'm a prisoner of life ♪

♪ One day your man is here ♪

♪ The next day he's walked out and gone ♪

♪ But no matter what happens ♪

♪ You simply somehow gotta carry on ♪

♪ When you're a prisoner ♪

♪ And I'm a prisoner ♪

♪ I'm a prisoner of life ♪

♪♪

-What are you doing here? -Just give me some coffee, will you, babe?

-Are you working, Earl? -Yeah.

-You got somebody in the car? -Yeah.

-How come you got 'em here? -They're passed out.

It's one of those drive-arounds.

You're not drinkin', are ya?

Just give me some coffee, baby.

I come all the way down here to see you. I'd think you'd be happy to see me.

♪ Life's good ♪

♪ It's bad ♪

♪ It's somewhere in between ♪

♪ But it's the unexpected and the uncertainty ♪

♪ That keeps us goin' ♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ Yesterday you owned the world ♪

♪ The next day the world owns you ♪

♪ One day everything's a lie ♪

♪ The next day you swear it's all true ♪

♪ That's what happens when you're a prisoner ♪

♪ And I'm a prisoner ♪

♪ I'm a prisoner of life ♪

You okay?

I told you I canceled the Times, right? Stopped the mail.

All you have to do is come in and check up on everything and feed the fish.

I'll write – I got it all written down. Didn't I put it on the, um, fridge?

-Yeah, she wrote it down. I watched her. -I got it written –

-Just come back tomorrow morning. -Okay.

-You are gonna – -I – Your fish are gonna be fine.

What about the lionfish? Feeding the lionfish?

-That was just a joke, honey! -No, no, no, no. No, no.

-Lionfish like goldfish. -That's what you wrote down.

-Yes. You feed them live goldfish. -I thought you were joking.

-No! -You do that.

COMMENTATOR : Earthquakes, water shortages, fires, mud slides, -crime, gang warfare, massive overcrowding.

"His mother's name was Speckled Hen. She looked..."

What will our lives be like if we have to share space with the medfly?

Gene! Gene, the helicopters are here! Shut the windows!

Watch your brother. Okay? Watch your brother.

Suzy! Come here, my good little boy. Yes!

Sandy, shut the windows for me, please.

-What are you doing?

The dog stays outside. I've told you a hundred times!

Don't put Suzy outside. The spraying – It's gonna give him cancer!

It's not gonna give it cancer! Don't you get environmental on me, Sherri.

Have you listened to the news lately? It's dangerous!

They wouldn't be doing it if it was dangerous!

GENE: Come on, kids! It's all right! Come on outside!

It's all right! It's safe! Come on!

Oh! Oh, yeah! Yeah, go on! Get cancer!

-Gene! -Get the dog out!

-Leave the dog alone! -Stupid – The dog stays out. The dog drives me out of my mind.

-Where you going, Gene? -Out of here.

This is the third night this week, Gene!

Why don't you start smoking again?


MARIAN : How about Friday?

Are you free this weekend?

I don't get back till Saturday, but if you make it Sunday, I'll bring fresh trout.

Marian, why did you do that?

-What? -Invite them to our house for supper?

I didn't. You did.

-No, I didn't. -You said, "Let's set a date."

I had to say "Let's set a date" because you invited 'em to our house.

That was just a comment, Ralph.

What's his name again?

He's some kind of a doctor. I think he's a dentist.

Her name is Marian.

-Marian, we don't even know them. -Just relax.

Okay? Just... relax.

Any of those medflies get on you today?

Ow! I got one.

Do you want me to describe myself for you?

-I'm a blonde.

36-24-34.

BOY: You don't do that.

-What do you do? -WOMAN: Oh, yeah?

COMMENTATOR : These countries ship their food – Oh, yeah? But I'm not gonna suck it yet.

MAN: Let's go play in your room.

Let's go.

COMMENTATOR: What if all this is telling us that every expert – before every expert – WOMAN: Can you speak up, honey? I can barely hear you.

-Yeah, baby. Ooh.

My panties are getting a little wet.

Well, I'm on my bed, and I'm on my hands and knees and my mouth is so close to your balls.

Can you hear that?

Can you feel it?

Don't you want me to lick your balls first?

Mmm. Mmm. You taste so good.

Ooh, your cock is getting so big in my mouth.

So big.

Oh, yeah, baby, I'm just gonna lick it –

♪ Life's good, life's bad ♪

-You don't like the music? You wanna go? -We've got an early flight to catch.

-Oh, then let's go. Come on. -♪ And the uncertainty that keeps us goin' ♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ Yesterday you owned the world ♪

♪ And the next day the world owns you ♪

-♪ One day everything's a lie ♪ -You wanna drive?

♪ And the next day you'd swear it's all true ♪

♪ When you're a prisoner ♪

-♪ And I'm a prisoner ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm a prisoner of life ♪♪

-COMMENTATOR : The medfly is already established in Los Angeles. -Mom?

-Baby? -Mom?

Shit.

Honey, what's the matter? Did you have a bad dream?

Come on, sweetie. Let's watch Daddy on TV.

-We'll all snuggle. -What happened?

-The helicopters scare you? -I thought it was an earthquake.

-This is Howard Finnigan – -WOMAN: He was just frightened. with thoughts to make you think.


Go ahead, shut it down. I gotta go make a phone call.

It's my wife's birthday.

Okay, guys, gather 'round.

Get in line. Specimen time.

That time of the month, guys. Fill it up.

-Yvonne! -Hey, sweetheart.

-Cheers! -You need some help?

-There you go. -We just spray the stuff. We don't drink it.

You need a magnifying glass and a tweezers to help you out?

YVONNE: Hey, sweetheart. Okay, you two.

Y'all haven't been taking anything, I hope.

Don't let anything run on the sides, okay? 'Cause that gets real nasty.

-Hello? -Chad! What are you doing up so early?

-It's Mommy's birthday. -Hey, that's right!

-Did Mom ask you to remind me? -No.

-I'll bet she did. -No, she didn't!

-I'll bet she did. You can tell Daddy. -Give me that.

-She did not! -Go back to bed, young man.

-Stormy. -Yeah!

How'd you know?

Two more hours. Please!

-Who else would call me at the crack of dawn? -Hey, who was that? Chad?

-What do you want, Stormy? -I just wanted to see what was on the agenda.

I got Chad tonight, you know. Wanna join us?

Whoops. Sorry, sweetie.

I really like the Wymans. Don't you?

Who?

The doctor and his wife. Marian.

And Ralph, I think his name is. You know, the ones from the concert.

He seems, uh, kinda lofty.

Off to work early, huh?

Well, I got two birthdays today.

He's a doctor. Remember?

-And she's an artist, I think. -Oh, yeah? What kind?

What kind? She's a painter.

-You know. She paints pictures.

-There's Vern. -They really want us to come to dinner.

-Well, we'll see. I'm off.

-What does that mean?

We already agreed to go.

We made a date.

WOMAN: Bye.

-Close the door, Stuart!

Sorry.

Got it.

-Oh, Christ. -I think it's broken.

The little thing didn't come up.

Fuck.

Why'd you let me sleep?

-How am I gonna explain this? -I don't know.

-What, is it broken? -Yeah.

Is your kid awake? I don't want him to see me here.

Is he?

He won't, baby. He's still asleep.

'Cause kids shouldn't see that kind of thing.

Jesus, how am I gonna explain this?

Jesus. Okay.

Kids. Crack.

Kids – Kids on crack. Okay.

-What? -Fucking dog.

Fucking dog knows. I know. That fucking dog.

-Hey. Ruff! Ruff! -Just can't live with all this.

I need to – What do you gotta smoke in the morning for?

No, I told you I don't wanna do that anymore.


♪♪

♪♪

Honey?

Honey? You home?

Make me some coffee!

Oh. Something hit me in the fuckin' head last night.

Hello.

Shut up.

These you can mist. Water them once a week.

Harriet, we're running behind schedule.

-I'm gonna bring the bags down to the car. -Okay. All right.

-So those you can mist. Right. -So these are the same – Jerry? Saturday's Casey's birthday party.

The plan was to swim.

Howard's nephew's a lifeguard. We were gonna pay him to watch the kids.

But – I don't know now.

Maybe you should drain the pool, change the water.

Won't the "methalanon" contaminate the water?

They sprayed again last night.

It's safe, Mrs. Finnigan. It's only toxic for a few hours.

The water actually dilutes it, so water's probably the safest place to be.

So irresponsible. Casey has allergies. The slightest thing sets him off.

I wouldn't worry about it, Mrs. Finnigan.

Well, why don't you come again Saturday?

When's your next regular day?

Tuesday. I-I-I can't make it Saturday.

-WOMAN: Hi. -But really, I wouldn't worry about it.

I was wondering if your guy could treat my pool. Can you?

JERRY: Can I what?

Whatever you put in it to kill the bug spray.

I'll pay you.

I'm afraid to go in.

-I only have time to take care of my regular customers, ma'am. I'm sorry. -Hey, Jerry, can I help with the pool today?

-Casey, get back in the house. It's still dangerous out here. -Well, maybe I'll become a regular customer.

-Get ready for school. -Have you seen my wallet?

-Oh. It's next to the phone. -What's it doing there?

-Oh, I was ordering something from this catalog. -HOWARD: Right.

-Will you at least come over and look at it? -Not now, ma'am!

I – You know, I might be able to swing back by in a couple of hours.

I'm late. We'll talk about your bearded iris tonight.

Hey, Jer! How goes the war?

Bad guys are winning, sir.

Yeah, well, thank you very much.

♪♪

VERN: Now, see, these bugs – This Humphrey or this Royal Coachman –

-Here you are. -Thank you.

"Doreen." Is that your name? Doreen?

-That's it. -Hey, Gordon, isn't that your first wife's name?

-Darlene. -Oh.

-Darlene. -Are you sure?

-No.

-VERN: So, where we going, anyway, guys? -GORDON: An hour outside of Bakersfield.

-Then we're gonna walk. -STUART: How far?

GORDON: Four or five hours. There's nobody there.

-STUART: You say it's good, right? -VERN: Yeah. Is the fishing good?

-It's gorgeous. -Oh, good.

You've never seen anything like it. They want to be caught.

-They're desperate to be caught.

What's that for?

I thought I might have to examine you later on.

Where'd you get it?

Some doctor left it in my web.

-Better take it to the lost and found. -Yeah.

What's the menu like, babe?

The Greek's watching. Don't order anything you can't pay for.

-Daddy's home!

-Pow! Pow! Pow! -Daddy, you gonna take us to the park today?

-Off me! Off me!

-Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! -Quiet!

-Cut it out.

Pow! Pow!

Quiet! Quiet!

-Get in the house.

-Did you do this? -No. The dog did!

Mommy, Mommy, Daddy's home! Daddy's home!

That's really exciting, sweetheart. Please finish eating.

-Bang! Bang! I saw Dada! -Please don't point that gun at me.

Who gave the dog my belt?

This is completely destroyed. Completely ruined. It's a piece of trash.

-It's a $35 belt.

Shut up!

-That dog has got to go. -Wanna talk about where you were last night?

No, I don't. Not in front of the kids, I don't.

I don't want them to hear about all the "ain-pay" and "isery-may" I saw last night.

If you would like to hear about kids on C-R-A-C-K, you can come in the other room.

Whose crack are we talking about, Gene?

HARRIET: I got a list here.

Um, I canceled the Times. I stopped the mail.

Just check up on the fish – Harriet! Enough about the fish. Let's go.

-Okay, okay. -Which one takes the, um, goldfish?

These are the lionfish, and these are the goldfish.

-Come on. I don't wanna miss that plane. -Okay.

Just feed the other fish regular food.

-Hey, sorry. You guys are running late, huh? -Yeah. She keeps running her mouth.

Uh-huh. You need a hand with those?

I gotta go. Jim's gonna have a fit, and I gotta make sure I have the tickets.

-Have a good time in Memphis. -Thank you. Have you got the keys?

-And, um, that's it. -All right.

-Say happy birthday to your mom.

-Bye. -Bring us back some of that country ham.

-You're not gonna smoke in my house. -I'm sorry.

-Thanks. Bye. -Bye-bye.

Bye-bye, Harriet.

-Come on. -They are so full of shit.

They've been good to us. Don't smoke, Bill.

They brought us to a jazz bar, gave us a couple of drinks. And what do we do?

We're taking care of their apartment free for a month. They're taking advantage of us.

-Don't you have some classes or something? -I don't punch a time card. I'm not in high school.

So, what are you gonna order?

Uh, let's see, baby.

-I can't read this. -Honey, put on your real glasses.

Let's see.

-Tuna melt. -Tuna melt? It's breakfast.

-Have a steak and some eggs. -Not if I have to pay for it, baby.

You're not drinkin', are you?

-Is that what's startin'? -No.

GORDON: Very – Ohh!

-Suddenly there's God so quickly.

-GORDON: My goodness.

VERN: Gordon, how about that ass?

I've seen better.

I just saw what she had for breakfast.

VERN: Where have you seen better? Penthouse? I say that's money in the bank.

-What do you think, Stuart? -Not for breakfast.

-Excuse me, honey. -Yeah?

Uh, could we have – What was it in the bottom drawer over there you were getting?

-What, butter? -Yeah. Could we have more butter, please?

Here you go. Oh, hey, is my tuna melt workin'?

Well, I'd say this trip's off to a pretty good start.

-Yeah.

GORDON: I say the tuna melt works.

-Cup of coffee. -Yeah, okay.

-VERN: You know what we need?

More, uh, you-know-what.

STUART: Uh, could we have some more butter, please?

Oh, yeah. Okay. Butter. Coming up.

Is that your face, or your neck just threw up?

-We're out of butter. Out of butter.

Ask for margarine.

MARIAN: Well, then what did he do?

SHERRI : He walks in at 7:30 in the morning.

The kids are screaming. They're happy to see him. Same old story.

Sits down. He's acting like nothing's happened.

I have no explanation. Nothing.

-So he's out having breakfast with her. -Are you serious?

Yeah! I mean, I tried to ask him where he was.

-He gave me some – -I'm going.

-Where's he going? -He's going to work. Okay.

Gives me some ridiculous excuse like – like crack kids –

-Who you talking to? -I'm talking to Sherri.

-SHERRI: And, um –And, um – -MARIAN: Bye!

And now I'm not even supposed to say the word "crack" in front of them.

Tell me about the Alex Trebek thing. Did he flirt with you?

-Who? -Alex Trebek.

-No! Oh, no. I mean –

-Shut up! -SHERRI: What's so threatening about that?

-MARIAN: Nothing. -Sherri, where are my keys?

-Will you get out of here!

Sherri! The dog pissed on the bed again, Sherri.

MAN : Shoot him, man! Shoot him! He's crazy!

Who are you talking to, anyway?

Yeah, in those nice, tight pants he likes 'cause it makes his dick look big.

What? I can't hear you. The dog's barking.

-I'm talking to my sister.

Yap, yap, yap. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap!

-Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap! -Where are you going, Gene?

I thought you had some time off this week.

I gotta check on my work. Quality control.

Uh-huh. How about tonight, Gene?

Ahh!

-Oh, God. -Sherri.

-Just a minute. -MARIAN: Okay.

You know what kind of work I do, right? Look at me.

You know it's dangerous.

And you know there's things you can't know for your own safety, right?

I was just asking about dinner.

Don't you worry your pretty little head about it.

-He's out of here. -All right, kids.

MARIAN : What is he talking about?

-SHERRI: The king is gone. -Come on, Suzy. Come on.

Close the gate when you go! I don't want Suzy to get out! He might get run over!

Casey.

You are gonna be late for school, young man.

-Now, do you want me to drive you? -No. I'll walk.

You sure? All right, kisses. Okay.


Oh, my God.

Honey! Honey, you all right?

-I – I'm fine. -Wait, wait, wait!

Let me get your stuff. Here. Wait, I'll –

-Come on, let's get in my car. -No, I-I'm fine.

My mom doesn't want me to go in a car with strangers.

No, wait a minute. Let me give you a ride home, make sure you're okay.

I'm – I'm fine. For sure.

No, no. Look.

Come on. How old are you?

I'm eight. My birthday's tomorrow.

I wanna see your mom and dad. I wanna make sure you're okay.

My mom said I can't talk with strangers.

Hey, bye.


-Have you got ready-made birthday cakes? -Yeah. They're right here.

-Have you got one with "Betty" on it already? -Just what you see here.

I can do something special, but not for today.

Yeah. Well, all right, I'll take that one. What is it?

-It's a lemon cake. -Can you maybe put her name on it?

-I can't do it today. -All right. Well, how much is it?

It's 14.75 with tax. Mrs. Schwarzmeier, can you box this up?

MRS. SCHWARZMEIER: Jawohl, Herr Bitkower.

Mrs. Schw – Could you maybe – Could you just write "Betty" on here?

MRS. SCHWARZMEIER: "Betty"? No. No.

-Hi. -I'd like to order a birthday cake.

-Sure. What kind? -Birthdays. They keep adding up, huh?

-Here is your cake and your change. -Thanks.

Oh, I've got a couple ideas here.

-Okay, this is what I'd like. -MRS. SCHWARZMEIER: Mm-hmm.

BAKER: What's that say? "Happy Birthday, Casey"?

-Oh, excuse me. -MRS. FINNIGAN: Yes. Casey.

-And is that supposed to be a baseball bat? -Hi, Mrs. Schwarzmeier.

Yes, that's a baseball bat. I don't draw very well.

-I came to pick up the cake for Debbie Eggenweiler. -BAKER: Are you sure you want this?

Because I have some very nice baseball designs.

-I think it's prepaid. -Yes. Yes.

-If you like this, I can do it. -No, I like this.

He's, um – He's starting Little League. We're real excited.

That's really sweet. His name is Casey, and he plays baseball.

-Down, down. -No, no, no, no, no.

Beautiful shot, man.

Hey. Casey. What's up? How come you're not in school?

-Let him go. -Hey, Casey, you wanna see the dribble?

-Come on, Joe! -Hey! Heads up!

-Come on. We're ahead too. -Let's go.

Pass you. Pass you.

Yo, good pass, good pass.

Take a right down by that tree.

-That's all? -Okay. I got it, I got it.

Goddamn back seat.

MAN: Hey, Doreen.

MAN : Paul Grossman got me more than $1 million.

PAUL GROSSMAN : Call me. Paul Grossman. I'll be your attorney too.

ANNOUNCER : Call toll-free. We'll come to your home or office anywhere in California.

CHORUS : ♪ 1 -800-462-5555 ♪ ANNOUNCER : Once a year, the PBA touring pros join forces in doubles competitions.

What's the door doing standing wide open?

Hey, you – you hungry, honey? What are you doing, anyway?

How come you're not workin'? You're not gonna lose your job again, are you?

You'd better give that back. Some doctor's gonna be looking for it.

I got London broil from the Greek. You want me to fix it? Want me to freeze it?

EARL: ♪ Doreen, Doreen the question queen ♪

♪ Stole a London broil, thick and lean ♪ Hey, how 'bout a fruit plate? Somethin' light?

How 'bout a short skirt, Doreen?

Short enough so I can see every inch of your ass. How'd that be?

-What are you talkin' crazy for? -Yeah.

We don't wanna talk about that, do we?

We just wanna talk about Earl.

Let's hear more about Earl.

How 'bout cops, baby?

I bet they love those short skirts.

I know fishermen like 'em!

-Whoa! -No, man, wait a second.

What happened?

-Aw, Christ! -What happened?

That's half my supply.

-Okay? Let's do it. -All right. Let's go.

-GORDON: Watch your step. -STUART: Man, I'm thirsty already.

VERN: Well, we only got three hours and 59 minutes left.

Well, I don't think it's gonna rain.


Casey? What are you doing home, honey? Why aren't you at school?

Honey? What happened?

I got hit by a car.

What? What do you mean, you got hit by a car? Where? How?

Casey, now you tell Mommy exactly what happened.

I got hit in the back and knocked down hard.

-Well, how did you get home? -Walked.

Well – Casey, let me look at you.

Ohh. Now, um – What about this car? How fast was it going? Who hit you?

She was a lady. She was nice.

Listen, honey, today... something terrible happened.

I hit this little kid with my car.

-Oh – -He didn't get hurt. He was okay.

-But, Jesus, it scared the hell out of me. -Oh, Jesus. All right, were the cops there?

I told you, he wasn't hurt.

Okay. All right, listen.

Did they get your name?

I told you, nobody was there. He's all right.

Okay. All right. I just don't wanna get sued.

-It was just a stroke of luck I didn't kill him. -I'm glad somebody's luck's holdin' out.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Howard? You have a phone call.

It's – It's your wife.

I think you've got time.

-Sorry. -It's okay.

Excuse me.

Jerry, we've got some great stuff, good footage coming in on the satellite.

-Hello. -Howard?

-Yeah? -Casey got hit by a car.

He's all right though.

What do you mean, hit by a car? W-W-When? Where is he?

Well, h-h-he's here. He's home with me.

He's – He's all right. He's not hurt.

Annie, calm down, start from the beginning and tell me exactly what happened.

Well, I put him in bed and h-h-he fell fast asleep.

H-H-He's all right, I'm sure.

Why'd you let him go to sleep? You shouldn't have done that, honey.

Je-Jesus Christ! I mean, wh – W-Who hit him? How did this happen?

I don't know! I came home and he was here.

I – He went to sleep. I-I should let him sleep, shouldn't I?

No. No, you wake him up and you take him to the emergency room.

You gotta get him looked at right away.

Call Bob Winslow. No, wait, I'll call him.

Um, just hang up the phone. I'll call you right back. Okay?

-All right. I understand. -Okay. Don't worry.

Everything's gonna be all right. He's gonna be fine.

Casey?

Casey, we're – we're gonna get up and have some milk now.

Casey? Casey, um – Casey, Daddy's coming home.

Casey.

Casey.

Casey. Casey, wake up!

Casey, wake up!

ANNOUNCER: Accidents happen every day.

Fortunately, most are harmless.

But some are very serious.

-He's eight years old. I asked him.

Tomorrow's his birthday.

Such a close call.

Everything could have changed. Our whole lives could have changed.

Yeah, well, I wish somethin' would come along and change our life.

-What's that supposed to mean? -Oh, nothin'.

Look, maybe I'm just sick and tired of watching you show off your ass at work.

Oh, you're drunk. And you lied to me. Get the hell out of here.

You want me out of here? You got it.

You told me you weren't gonna lie no more. That was the deal – no more lies.

Okay. Watch me go, baby.

You know, a lot of guys don't like a big ass in their face when they're trying to eat.

Oh, pick a fight. Go ahead. Pick a fight with me.

Tell you something – I don't know who you think would wanna look at your sad, middle-aged ass anyway.

Don't you talk to me like that. And don't you come back here.

I'm not taking you back no more. You understand? No more!

-No more I'm not taking you back! -I'm not coming back!

-Slobberin' all over Honey like that. -I never touched Honey!

I didn't say you touched her! I said you slobbered on her!

-How come you don't wear your wedding ring to work anymore? -Oh, you're such a bullshit artist.

You're the one chippin' away at our mansion of love, baby, not me!

Why don't you go get drunk and pee on Irmadine's drapes again!

I'm gonna go get drunk! I'm gonna get drunk right now, goddamn it!

DOREEN: Look how stupid you're acting.

What if I'd killed him? Then what?

Oh, Pat! What are you lookin' at? It's nothin' new!

Have a nice day.

ANNOUNCER: And now back to Captain Planet.

It's as much fun poaching Planeteers as it is poaching elephants!

-I have had enough of this!

♪♪

-Betty! Chad! It's me! -Your dad's here.

-Come on. Let's go.

All right! I'm coming!

-Let's go. -Give me that.

-Betty, the key doesn't work! -Yeah!

Listen, don't you have any fun. Stay up really late. Okay?

-Give me a kiss. -Okay.

You changed the lock. Happy birthday!

-Look at this helicopter I got! Isn't it neat? -Cool! Come on. Make a wish and blow.

CHAD: There's a net to catch the Planeteers in it.

It's really neat. And there's Verminous Skumm inside.

He's one of the Eco-villains. Not a good guy. I don't really like him very much.

-But it's neat. -You're not all blown out, are you?

Hey, how come there's only one candle? Mommy's 29.

-Sure she is. -Shut up.

That's what she told me.

I'm just trying to get Mommy used to one big candle instead of a lot of little ones.

-Is that a joke? -MAN: How are we going to get out of here?

Come on. Blow!

MAN : Wait till you discover

-the rest of my surprises! -Ohh!

-You got your wish! -What'd you wish for?

That the two of you would get the hell out of here.

Oh, Betty, you gotta keep this wound.

It's your clock, Stormy. You take it and keep it wound.

I want you gone when I'm out of the shower.

Oof.

Suzy, come on, boy.

All right, now, you go run away. We don't want you anymore.

Go ahead.

Hey, hey, hey. Sniff this.

Mm-mmm! Look at that. It's a bone. Mmm!

All right, go get it.

RALPH: Make sure they do the neuro checks every half hour.

And diligent suctioning.

Mr. Finnigan.

-Yeah? -He's resting comfortably.

That's good. We'll let him sleep. That's the best thing for him right now.

The medfly editorial.

Not too sure about that malathion.

Nurse, can you get me some aspirin?

-It's for me. -Sure, Doctor.

He's got a small blood clot, a little brain swelling, but it probably won't require surgery.

He's aspirated, but we're not too concerned about that.

-Aspirated? What is that? -He's got some fluid in his lungs.

Listen, we'll keep a close eye on him. Okay?

HOWARD: He knows what he's doing. It's gonna be all right, honey.

-I, uh – -Three more.

MAN: Damn shame you can't feel safe driving in this city no more.

His vital signs are good. We're just gonna have to wait till he wakes up.

Is there something we could do? Something we should do?

You can wait. There's a waiting room down the hall.

There's smoking out on the porch, if you want to smoke.

He may be waking up soon. You'll wanna be here when he does.

Yeah, well, uh, listen, how – how long you think it'll – it'll be?

You never know with these things. I just want you to do whatever makes you comfortable.

-Come on, come on, come on!

-You made it. -JERRY: Yeah!

I hope you don't have to put too much chlorine in.

It's bad for my voice.

The pool's around the back.

Jonathan, that's you, babe! Go up, go up!

-Right here, right here, right here! -Zoe!

JERRY: Excuse me.

Um, see how that bruise is – is – it's intense, but it's not glowing.

So you'll wanna work on that. Let's take a look at yours.

This is good. I like that. Yeah. The bruise is really good.

Um – I want you to put a little bit more blood in there.

Oh, on the – on the, uh – on – Yeah, blend off that one edge.

-And take the brush out of your mouth. -Sorry.

Filter? What's the filter got to do with it?

Well, if your filter ain't workin', and I don't think it is, there's not much I can do.

How dangerous is this malathion?

Well – How long have you had this system?

Came with the house.

Yeah? Well, I hate to be the one to tell you, but I think it's on its last legs.

Oh, no. Don't tell me.

-So, Ace, what's up tonight? -I don't know. What do you wanna do?

I mean, with Mom. Is she celebrating her birthday alone, or what?

Uh, with Gene.

-Jean, huh? -Mm-hmm.

Jean.

Jean.

Well, who's she?

He's a friend of Mommy's.

MAN : What do we do now?


May I see your license and registration, ma'am?

-Did I do something wrong, Officer? -Take your sunglasses off, ma'am.

You know, this clown is detachable.

I, um – I have a permit for it.

It's to code. I've been stopped before. There's never been a problem.

-Phone number, ma'am? -504-0361.

I'm gonna let you go with a warning this time, ma'am.

You were driving too slow. Just as dangerous as driving too fast.

Please refrain from doing so in the future.

Can I go now?

No, ma'am. I have one more question.

What's that?

How many clowns can you fit in this car?

I beg your pardon.

How many clowns can you fit in this car, ma'am?

Why'd you take my phone number?

Well, you never know when you might need the services of a clown, ma'am.

-You have children? -No, ma'am.

I, uh – I can use some cheering up from time to time myself, ma'am.

Being a cop isn't easy.

You have a nice day now.

If there's anything I like more than being mean, it's being sneaky.

BOY : It's a trap!

-MAN : Of course it's a trap! -Gene?

-Is that you? -MAN : Affirmative!

With the Planeteers out of our way – Chad left the TV on.

ANNOUNCER : Man dares to go where only cows have gone before.

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Bandini is the word for fertilizer.

Oh, my God! Chad, what are you doing here?

-Where's your dad? -He had to go somewhere.

He had to go somewhere without you?

He said he had to do something.

-Something came up. -Yeah.

I'll bet it did.

I'll bet something came up.

So, what'd he say about you?

He said we'll have to do it some other time.

Hey.

He's a son of a bitch.

He's a son of a bitch.

-STUART: Now? -GORDON: Bring in the –

Jerry Kaiser.

-MAN : Hey, buddy, it's me. -Hey.

Listen, I'm walking around with a fuckin' serious chubby.

Listen to what's going on.

There's this girl here – She's 18, she's got a body to kill for, beautiful face, and she asked me –

-Why are you whispering? -to do her body makeup for this – I'm not whispering. I'm just – I'm – I'm throaty. I'm excited.

So I gotta do full-body makeup on her. That takes an hour.

That means I'm rubbing base up and down the insides of her thighs, like, right around her puddy, and I'm just like, "Oh, man!"

I gotta run it up and down, up her – on the inside of her elastic and inside her perfect ass.

I'm just, like – I'm losing it, man.

I was, like, rubbing some on her titties and she looked at me and said, "What's your name?"

I said, "My name is Bill."

She said, "Bill, you're giving me a nipple boner."

I said, "That's right."

And I was just, like – I was about to drop my brushes and just fuckin' – Oh! It was amazing. What do you think about that, man?

Pretty amazing – Jerry?

Jerry? Kaiser?

Oh – Uh, d-did you get a good grade?

Yeah, they gave me an A-plus, baby.

-JERRY : That's great. -Why are you whispering?

-Shh! Shh, shh. -What? What are you doing?

I told you! I'm working.

You don't sound like you're – What are you doing, waiting for some rich dame – Okay, I gotta go. I'll call you back later. Bye.

I wish you wouldn't do that.

You're not fooling me, you know.


VERN: Stuart, nothing counts against first, most or biggest unless we're all fishin', man.

I'm just settin' up this new line. All right?

What about somebody – What about setting up the camp here?

Somebody's gotta dig the hole.

I'll do that! Just give me a couple of minutes here!

I'll help you. Just let me take a leak first.

GORDON: Hey, don't piss on any firewood!

Yeah, and don't piss in the water!

♪♪

Shit.

STUART: What are you pissin' in the water for, Vern?

I kinda like the way it sounds.

VERN: Hey.

Hey, Stuart, Gordon.

Come here a second.

What the hell is this? Stuart, come here!

Gordon, get over here!

VERN: Holy Christ! It's a dead body!

VERN: Look at that. Jesus!

GORDON: Who do you think it is?

-VERN: It's a dead body, isn't it? -STUART: Yeah, it's a woman, huh?

GORDON: She's dead, isn't she?

VERN: Yeah, dead. I'll say. Look at her.

STUART: I wonder how.

GORDON: We gotta pull her out.

VERN: Pull her out? What are you, crazy? I don't think we should touch her. Should we?

STUART: No, we should call somebody. I think we should call the police.

I don't think we should touch anything until we call somebody.

Great idea. How we gonna do that? You got a portable cellular phone or something?

GORDON: We can't just leave her there, can we?

VERN: Well, I know what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna have a drink.

STUART: Uh, I think Vern has the right idea.

GORDON: Hey, wait – wait a minute!

Why don't you go home, get some rest? I'll call you if there's any change.

No, you go. I'll stay. You go rest up. You've got things at the station.

I'm all right.

I could make some calls.

-Probably a good time.

Look, I'll take the number of the pay phone here.

-That's a good idea. -Yeah.

Sometimes it takes forever to get through here.

Uh, could you bring me some shoes – some flats – and a sweater?

And maybe some mail?

Magazines or something?

It's gonna be all right.

Bye.

-Marian? What? What's the matter?

Something horrible's happened. This has been the worst day of my life.

MARIAN: Oh, my God. What happened, Sherri? Tell me.

-Suzy ran away. -Oh, Jesus.

I thought you were gonna say something happened to one of the kids, or to Gene.

-It's Gene's fault. He's the one who let him out. -Oh, I'm sure you'll find her.

-Him. -Yeah.

I've been going up and down the streets all day trying to find him.

-Kids are going nuts. -Did you call the pound?

-Dad, Suzy's gone! -I called everyone I could think of.

-Honey, he's out running around. Don't worry. -No, Daddy, he's really gone!

Honey, he'll come back when he's ready. Don't worry.

Daddy, we looked and looked.

Sweetheart, Suzy will be back as soon as he gets hungry.

Daddy, I want Suzy back!

Daddy, we can't find Suzy!

Listen to me, all of you. Suzy will come back sometime.

-What if she doesn't? -Well, then we'll have to get another dog.

-We'll get a puppy this time. How's that? -I don't want another dog. I want Suzy!

I want Suzy!

-WOMAN: Tell me how much you want it. -Put those on my side.

BOY: Why should I, Big?

Still got three fingers in your ass?

Slut. I should make you get an egg.

You got an egg in that refrigerator?

No, you don't got an egg?

-What about a candle? Candle.

What about them rubber bands I told you about?

I don't think you got 'em tight enough. Snap 'em!

-Good. -BOY: Okay. Geez!

Okay, take them rubber bands off your dick.

I'm gonna suck your dick now.

I'm gonna introduce your dick to my tonsils.

Sit back down. Joe, now!

-Baby – -How long you gonna stay on that phone, Lois?

-Sit down. Look at the cards. -Say, "Please, mistress."

-Sit down. -LOIS: I didn't tell you to come!

So tell me, how did it feel?

Next time I'm gonna make you get a Q-Tip with some aftershave and I'm gonna make you stick it up that dick of yours.

3:30 Wednesday. Call me, bitch.

JOE: Bend the card!

They don't want another dog.

-Well, neither do I. -Neither do I.

-Neither do I. -Neither do I!

-Neither do I! -I! I! I!

I!

I don't even see what the difference is.

They're not even gonna know who Suzy is in a week.

Let's take the kids, put them in the car, drive around and see if anybody's seen him.

-Can't do it. I got plans. -Oh, Gene, come on!

Sherri, I told you a week and a half ago, I got the leadership council thing on the crack kids.

What you should do is, you should go out with the kids, put up some signs, offer a reward – not too much.

-Remember, it's a dog. -Who's Claire "The Clown" Kane?

What are you doing looking in my pockets?

What are you doing with her driver's license and telephone number?

You wanna know? I'll tell you.

Claire Kane, aka "The Clown," is a bunco artist wanted in three states.

I have her phone number because I'm running a sting operation. Now you know.

And now, unfortunately, I have compromised your safety and the children's safety.

Are you happy now?

MARIAN: There is a – a hard, heavy physicality in my new paintings in part because I've executed them on large panels of wood, but I'd say that they're tempered by the –

-Oh. Sorry. -Sorry.

Um, tempered by the ephemeral use of color.

You could almost say that it's beyond natural color.

MAN : What are they about?

MARIAN: Well – I think they're about seeing and the responsibility that comes with that.

-Okay. -MAN: And call next week.

-Thanks. Thank you very much. -Bye.

Bye-bye.

Who was that? Sherri?

No, that was David at the gallery.

Oh. David at the gallery.

I'm hoping to get a show there.

Is this "David at the gallery" going to be another Mitchell Anderson in our lives?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, that's the sort of stuff you two used to blather on about, isn't it?

What are you talking about?

The lousy painter. The one who never sold anything. Mitchell Anderson.

Just because he never sold anything doesn't mean he was a lousy painter.

So you've said.

Well, it's true.

You know, scientifically speaking, Marian, there's no such thing as "beyond natural color."

STUART: I don't know why we're sittin' around here, actin' like it was our fault.

We didn't have anything to do with it.

GORDON: Yeah. Suppose we'd never come up here in the first place.

When would she have been found? Maybe never. Nothing we can do to help.

VERN: She must have been murdered. I mean, she's naked and everything.

GORDON: Nothing we're gonna do about it tonight, anyway.

STUART: Suppose it floats away.

VERN: Then it's out of our hands.

Maybe that's what we oughta do – kick it loose and let somebody else find it.

STUART: Ah, I don't know. I think we oughta tie it up so it won't float away.

Then we can, uh, you know, deal with it in the morning.

What do you say about that?

VERN: I say we got two hours of prime trout time left. That's what we oughta deal with.

GORDON: Hey, let's take a vote.

STUART: All right by me.

Fish now, or deal with the body.

I say fish now.

Suppose the current takes it away.

Then it's not our problem.

CHAD: The Planeteers are trying to save the planet and the environment.

Uh, they're all wonderful characters.

-Tell Gene where he comes from. -The tropical rain forest.

-BETTY: This one? -This is Ma-Ti.

His power is heart.

Let's see. Where is his ring? They all come with little –

-Stormy did this on purpose. I'm gonna kill him. -This is Kwame. He has the power of earth.

Let's say he points his ring at, maybe, Earth, and – Chad, you know what?

I think that it was really nice that Gene brought us here tonight and I think we should say thank you.

-Don't you? -Mommy, can I go to the bathroom, please?

Yeah.

-Wait. Where is it? -Uh, excuse me, miss.

Where's the restroom?

-For him? I'll take him. -Thanks.

Come on. I'll show you.

What's that?

-What? -That.

-Happy birthday.

What is it? An alarm clock?

It's pretty.

My marriage is breaking up.

-Oh, honey, really? -Really.

I can't think of anything but you.

Not at work, not about the trial.

Just you.

I think I'm, uh – I think I'm, uh, getting serious.

Oh, honey, I wanna be with you too.

-HOWARD : Hello. -Mrs. Finnigan, please.

Uh, sorry, she's not here right now.

-Who's this? -This is Mr. Bitkower.

She placed an order today, and I just wanted to make sure I was clear about what she wanted.

Her drawing's a little messy.

Well, she isn't here right now. Call her back next week. All right?

Hello.

BITKOWER: I don't appreciate being hung up on when I'm calling about your order.

I need to know whether Mrs. Finnigan wanted a bat or a mitt. May I speak to her?

No, you may not. Whatever it is, just cancel it and stop calling here.

Now, we've got a problem here.

We don't need the line tied up with unimportant stuff!

BITKOWER: Either you give me an answer now – Look, fuck you, asshole. Fuck you!

Jesus.

HOWARD: Goddamn it!

All right, tomorrow night we'll get a motel room.

-When? -Tomorrow night.

Oh, no, I can't. I'm going away for the weekend.

-What? -Goin' to Tahoe, see my sister.

-Tahoe? When did that get decided on? -I don't know. Last week.

Your sister?

-Thought your sister lived in Michigan. -That's Phyllis.

-This is Bunny. Bunny lives in Tahoe. -Bunny? Who's Bunny?

-You never mentioned her before.

-Yes, I did. She's my half sister. -Half sister?

And besi – Gene, you were always with your family on the weekend.

How was I supposed to know you could get away?

Oh, well – I don't know what to think, Betty.

Huh.

So, is B – Who is Bunny?

-Bunny – -Bunny – Who's –

-Bunny is my half-stepsister. -Is this your mother's kid or your father's kid?

-My dad's wife's kid. -Oh, yeah.

We have been planning to get together for over a year.

-Oh, yeah? Well, what's she do in Tahoe? -What?

What does she do in Tahoe?

She work? Is she married?

-Tahoe's a fancy place to live, you know. -Gene, stop this.

I'm going away for a few days to visit my sister.

Don't try to make me feel guilty about nothing.

You're making mountains out of molehills.

-Come on – -Shh. Kid's back.

There's this really neat camera up front.

-It's not a real camera. -Did you find the bathroom okay?

Uh, yeah. There's a man throwing up in there.

-Oh, my God. How awful. Is he all right? -Chad.

-I don't know. -You going to visit Aunt Bunny this weekend?

How about those peas? Let's eat up some of those peas.

-Bunny? -He's too young to remember Bunny, okay?

Does not remember Bunny. Eat 'em up.

Anyway, it squirts water – It looks like a real camera. Please?

I really want it. Come on. Daddy would buy it for me.

♪♪

You boys have obviously not heard of the Joe Robbins legend, have you?

-What can I get you, pal? -Same, Jay.

-Are you laughin' at me? -♪♪

-MAN: No one was laughin' at you. -MAN #2: Go ahead.

Next to my cell, a big Spanish brother.

6'4", 6'5". Eddie Valdez. We called him "Big Ed."

I said, "Big Ed, yo, listen. Don't fuck with me."

Cat fuck with me. I get my hands on about 30 feet of rope.

Now, you may wonder where I get rope in prison.

Like I told you, I'm Joe Robbins. Inside or out.

JOE: It's all in my cell.

How you doin'?

Good.

Here's a song I want to sing for myself.

-♪♪ -JOE: I lay low, like a black cat in the shadows.

And I wait for this big Spanish motherfucker to come moseyin' down.

As soon as he crossed my path, boom.

-♪ I'm tired ♪ -Flies on shit –

♪ So tired ♪ Around his neck so quick, then pushed him over the fucking guardrail.

The rope snaps tight. His fuckin' head pops off.

His body keeps plummeting downward, and he falls neck hole first into the ground.

My point is, Big Ed pissed me off just a little bit.

-You wanna keep it down so the lady can sing? -You pissin' me off a lot.

Wait.

Hey, come on.

-I made a mistake, all right? -Yeah, you made a mistake.

-See, my shit's live. -Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

Where was I? I was tellin' a story here.

♪ But I won't be sorry ♪

♪ If you won't be ♪

♪ And I don't want your pity ♪

♪ Or your sympathy ♪

♪ But with $45 ♪

-♪ I can make it ♪ -Hi.

-Hi. How's he doin'? -♪ You wait and see ♪ He's still asleep. He really hasn't moved.

What's, uh – What's all this?

I don't know. Dr. Wyman ordered it.

Any change?

-Well, he says the numbers look good. -Yeah?

I don't think it's good he keeps sleeping like this. I don't think that's a good sign.

He's okay. He's gonna be all right.

He'll wake up soon.

I talked to, uh, Bob Winslow. He's in Hawaii.

And he knows this – this Wyman fellow. He says we're in good hands.

-He knows what's what. -Good.

I'm gonna go get a cup of coffee.

-You stay with Casey. -Okay.

Oh, God. Why won't he wake up?

♪ It isn't as if ♪

♪ I was just anybody ♪

♪ On Broadway I danced ♪

♪ For that senator ♪

♪ They know me in London ♪

♪ And they know me in Paris ♪

-Hmm. -♪ I'm only talking ♪

♪ 'Cause you looked like you needed a friend ♪♪

Here. Gimme that. Gimme that. I'll tie it around the wrist.

GORDON: Never thought I'd be doing anything like this.

-Yeah, me neither. -VERN: What's she feel like, Stuart?

-Oh, God. -Feel her tits?

You know, I just realized, there's probably a thousand guys in LA who'd be ballin' her right now.

GORDON: Will you shut up!

I'm just trying to lighten things up a little bit, all right?

STUART: Yeah, let's get the hell out of here. Come on. Tie that up.

VERN: Man, if you'd have told me I was fooling around with a dead body up here, -I'd have told you you were full of shit. -GORDON: Yeah. Okay, let's go.


-Stop stealing. -Bill, God. What'd ya sneak – Bill.

-I'm sorry. -You scared me.

-You want to make up? -Why did you sneak up on me?

-What time are your classes, huh? -I'm ditching.

-I wanna see you. It's true.

-You've got to go to class. -Are you snoopin' around?

-All you're supposed to do is just feed the fish. -Look at this one, though. Look at this one.

-Look it, that's a lionfish, honey. -Oh, really?

-He is. Go on. You should go to classes. -Okay.

-These are strange people, honey. -I know.

-What's in here? -Bill – Don't snoop, Bill.

-Don't snoop. -Why not?

You respect their privacy.

Why not snoop around with their "Hot Fudge" videos out?

-Their sick, dirty pornography.

These people are creepy. They're creepy.

Use an ashtray when you smoke in here.

-That's a rule. That's a rule. -Why? There's no –

-Oh, you brought my ashtray. -Our ashtray .

See, on the list it says it's good for the carpet.

-Oh, Bill. -How long are these creeps gonna be out of town?

A month.

You know what?

-I think we should move in here. -No.

-And really – Yeah. -We can't do that.

It's the only respectful thing to do.

-Nah, that wouldn't be right. -Why not?

'Cause that's not right, Bill.

-Okay. -She's right.

-So, I'll see you around 6:00, okay? -Yeah. I'll come home.

But you know we're gonna do the right thing in their bed tonight, right?

Oh, uh – I don't know.

STUART: Whoo-hoo!

Hey, Vern!

-Hey! -Look at here!

-How big? -It's about three or four pounds.

I got it! Hey! Didn't I tell ya?

It's Moby fuckin' Dick here! Look at this!

Come on, baby. Come on!

-Come to Papa. -♪♪

♪♪


How long are you gonna do that? Do you know what time it is?

♪♪

Do you have to play so loud?

That's Chick's fault. He was always hot for the string players.

I always thought they were weird.

String players and girl singers.

-How come – -That was his weakness.

I don't remember him?

Well, mainly because he wasn't around that much.

Hell, he exploded when you were barely six.

Get me another "Veggie Mary," will ya?

Talk – Talk more about Dad.

Not much more to tell, baby.

He was a prick. That's the long and the short of it.

-Wanna get the door? -Mommy, Daddy's here.

-Hey! -Go to your room.

Finish up what I told you to do. What do you want?

I came to get my mother's clock.

-What's wrong with you? -Well, it is my clock, isn't it?

-Finish. Do what I told you. Oh, Betty.

What you did to your son is unforgivable.

What, he didn't tell you Daddy's been flying nights, bombin' the dirty medflies?

Get it and get out.

This house is half mine, you know.

-Liar! -I pay for it.

Take what you think is yours and get out of my life!

New sheets. Jungle theme, huh?

-Goin' somewhere? -Yeah, I am.

-Yeah? Where? -None of your business.

Your, uh, condom file drawer is open.

Going with Gene?

Going somewhere with Jungle Gene?

Get your fucking clock and get out of here!


-Oh!

Goddamn it, Zoe! What was that?


Thank you.

-What was the patient's name? -Eh, the boy's name is – is Finnigan.

Uh, h-his father is Howard Finnigan, if that helps.

Excuse me. I'm Claire the Clown.

I'm here to do a party in the pediatrics ward.

-Yes. I'll call the head nurse. -Uh – Uh, excuse me. Uh, Claire?

-Uh, do you do tricks in your, uh, routine? -Yes. Uh-huh.

Oh, I've got something to show you. I brought this stuff along.

I wanted to do this trick for my grandson.

He's a patient in there. I used to do this for his dad when he was just a kid.

Now, I am going to move that egg from this glass into that glass without touching it.

You say to me, "How could you possibly do that?" Go ahead.

How could you possibly do that?

I'm going to show you.

I-Is that a touch of terrific? It's yours!

Thanks. It's good for bars, but I don't think it's a children's trick.

-WOMAN: Claire. -I'm here.

The Finnigan boy's in Intensive Care, sir.

-But I think that's his mother over there. -Oh.

Dr. Wyman, it's Claire.

Claire Kane. Remember? From the concert.

Um – This is what I do. I'm doing a chil – I'm – I'm a clown.

I'm really looking forward to dinner.

-Stuart's bringing the fish. Remember? -Right.

-Who's that? -I have no idea.

Ann? Ann Finnigan?

Oh, good. Th-The girl said that she thought you were – Yeah, I just didn't want to walk into the boy's room alone, you know.

-Do I – Do – -Oh, I'm sorry. Paul Finnigan, huh?

Howard's dad.

-Howard's dad? -Yeah. Yeah. Howard's dad.

I was just passing through LA, and I, uh – Well, actually, I've been living in Riverside for a number of years.

Olla filled me in on what was going on around here.

-Olla? -Yeah, Olla.

-How's the boy? -Well, he has a head injury – a little clot and some swelling.

But they don't have to operate. We're a little worried because he won't wake up.

-Oh. -So you're Howard's dad?

-Yeah, yeah. -Well, it was very thoughtful of you to come by.

Yeah. Oh, hey, hey. I was gonna come by.

But I just heard about this now.

You know, I've never even seen him. You know, uh, Kevin – It's, uh –

-Casey. -Casey, yeah. Yeah, Casey.

-Howard's doing real good, isn't he? -Well, we're – We're very worried. You know, he – he – he won't wake up.

Uh, but other than that, he doesn't have any broken bones, so – N-No, I mean, Howard's doing real good.

-Oh. -The TV editorials, you know.

Yeah.

-Hello? -GENE: Who's this?

-Well, who's this? -Let me speak to Betty.

-Give me that phone. -No, she's not dressed right now.

-Give it to me! -Honey, put your panties on!

-GENE: Who is this? -Give me that phone! Who is it?

Give it to me! Give it to me!

-Have a nice weekend! -Get out of here!

Hello! Hello!

Hello? Betty Weathers.

-Take it easy with him. -What is it?

They're gonna operate again. He's gonna be all right. Thank you.

-Now, don't bump him! -Keep that hallway clear.

ANN: You're not gonna believe this, but your father's out there.

My father? You mean Paul?

Yes.

He was always such a good kid.

-Who's Olla? -Olla? That's my aunt.

That's who your father talked to.

HOWARD: What happened to the Willis boy?

ANN: He's in surgery.

So, when did you last –

-So, when did you talk to him last?

He lives in Riverside. That's not that far away.

I don't know. This is as much of a surprise to me as it is to anybody.

I mean, I haven't seen him in years. I haven't talked to him since the divorce.

ANN: I wonder why he picked now.

-Hi, Dad. -Hey, son. Ah!

Oh, you are lookin' good.

Hey, oh, I'm sorry to hear about what happened to, um, uh –

-Casey. -Yeah, the kid. Oh, I'm sure he's gonna be fine.

-We're praying. -Yeah.

-You, uh – You – You've met Ann? -Oh, sure. Yeah. Yeah, sure.

I seen you a couple of times on television there. You're a real authority.

-Huh? Huh? -Yeah.

So, uh – uh – It's a bit of a surprise seeing –

-Yeah. -H-How'd you find us?

Olla. Yeah.

HOWARD: So, uh, how you been?

Pretty good.

You know. It's –

Well, I-I'm gonna go back with Casey. It was nice to meet you.

-Yeah, wasn't it? -ANN: I'll see you back there, honey.

SHERRI: Well, at least he came home last night.

That's more than I can say for the dog.

Why don't you say something to him? Tell him what you think.

Oh, he'd just deny it.

If I start to get specific about things, he starts screaming about what kind of job he has.

He's a pathological liar.

To tell you the truth, I'm more worried about the dog.

-Mm-hmm. I know what you mean. -Hi, Sherri. How are the kids?

MARIAN: They lost their dog. Suzy ran away.

That's a shame. She'll probably be back.

I wouldn't worry about it.

MARIAN: It's a he. Suzy's a boy.

Yeah, yeah. That's – That's what I meant.

What are you doing home? You're not supposed to be home now.

Oh, w-we have – we have that thing with the, uh – You know, the, uh, the husband and wife?

-MARIAN: Kanes. -Who are the Kanes?

MARIAN: They're these people that we met at the concert.

They have tickets next to us. It's not tonight. It's tomorrow night.

Remember? He's going fishing. We're gonna eat his fish.

Tomorrow? Oh, shit!

Excuse me, Sherri. Um – I told Sherri I'd go home, have dinner with her and the kids. They're really upset.

Ralph, you're welcome to come. But Gene's not gonna be there.

I don't think you want to come, honey. You don't want to come, do you?

You don't want to come, do you?

No. No, I-I-I can't.

I've got, uh, work.

Some lemons.

I will for a little bit. Maybe he'll wake up if I'm not here.

Yeah. Well, when you get home, just s-sit and rest, or get something to eat, or just have a bath.

And let's try to, uh, just, uh, forget about it, okay?

-Everything's gonna be all right. -Oh, yeah.

Uh, excuse me. I think – Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were asleep.

I think your son is in the room next to my grandson, you know?

At least, I assume it's your son. I'm not from around here.

I'm just here because the kid got hit by a car.

Uh, are you the father of that newsman on Channel 9?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

-Yeah. Well, I'm Knute. This is my wife, Dora. -Oh, hi. Paul Finnigan.

-Oh, that's your wife? You two – -I'm sorry to hear about your grandson.

Yeah, he got a cracked skull and a concussion.

-Oh, no. -He's gonna be all right.

But they said he's in shock right now.

-I – I – -Well, our son, Brian –

-Well, he's been operated on twice. -Twice.

-No kidding. -Somebody shot him on the freeway.

-What? -Yes.

-Just driving along, minding his own business. -Driving along, minding his own business.

-And somebody shot him. -Oh, my God. What's the world coming to?

I don't know. Nobody knows who did it.

Jesus. Well, ours was like a hit-and-run too.

MAN : A recent graduate of Seton Hall University, he drank every day of his college life.

-Beer and Jack Daniel's. -Mom?

-Yeah, I'm in here. -Not necessarily together.

-He still loves to get buzzed. -Hi.

He doesn't do it quite as much. But he's not about to give up drinking.

-Hi. -Shh. I'm watching.

-What are you watching? -Don't call it a disease.

-Why do you like that guy? -Phil? I love him.

-Got you something. -Huh?

-Look. -Oh, cute. Goldfish. Haven't seen those in years.

Aren't those nice?

-I'll set it up for ya. -How you feed 'em?

I'll show ya.

Jesus. Ma, it smells like a bar in here.

Well, Earl's startin' on another one. I don't know if I can take it anymore.

He gets so mean. Didn't use to.

We used to have a good time when we drank.

How long you gonna let that guy ruin your life?

Mom, what are you doing smoking? You said you quit.

I can't quit smokin' when I got a lot of other stuff goin' on.

Why don't you think about yourself for a change, huh?

-I got to think about Earl. -Mom, he is a – he is a pig. Do you know that?

He's a drunken, stupid pig.

I don't want you to talk that way about your father.

He's not my father.

Well, he's my husband. Don't you forget it.

He's an asshole. I know, Mom.

-Believe me, I know. He's a – -You don't know.

I don't want to hear that anymore.

You told that story one time too many.

Look at me. He was drunk anyway, and you know it.

He's all I've got. I need company.

MAN : We're addicted to addiction.

Honey, yesterday I hit a kid.

-What? -I hit an eight-year-old kid.

He wasn't hurt. I just kind of brushed him, knocked him down.

But it was so close. He's such a little sweetie too.

I tried to give him a lift to his house. He told me his mom and dad told him never to get into the car with anybody unless they said it was okay.

Oh. You're very lucky. You know that?

If I'd been going faster, I would've killed him.

Imagine.

How could you get over that? You couldn't.

I came home. I told Earl our whole life could change.

Earl tells me to go on a diet.

That's all he could think of to say.

Hey!

I tell ya? Did I tell ya?

That's the best fishing I've ever had.

Yeah, but I lost four of those motherfuckers.

Yeah, but tell me it wasn't worth it. I mean, even four hours of walking is worth this.

Yeah.

Yeah, but what are we gonna... do about you-know-what?

I'm gonna take another picture.


Okay. Uh, right there, bring it down a little bit. Right on the cantabile. A little bit down.

Zoe, i-i-is that bothering you?

-It looks terrible. -Oh, no.

-Can we start right – -How did you do that?

Um, I fell carrying my mom's lunch tray.

-Can we start right at – at – -By the way, how is your mother?

-Is – Is she all right? -No.

I don't think she's got much time left. I – I can see her change right in front of my eyes.

It's a cruel disease. Can – Can we start at number six?

Okay. Number six.

Ah.

-Hello? Howard? -BITKOWER: No, this is not Howard.

Oh, I'm sorry. Who are you calling?

Casey.

I want to talk about that little bastard Casey.

Casey? Who is this?

Hello?

Hello?


This is good. Is that Suzy?

Is that her tail? That's nice. I really like that.

-Marian. -Okay.

-Don't let the kids see. -Why?

'Cause I don't want to hear Gene's bullshit.

GIRL: No!

He's playing around. I can smell it on him.

-You think it's serious? -As serious as it ever is.

Why do you put up with it, Sherri?

I just got to sweat it out.

She'll dump him, and then he'll come running home to Mommy all lovey-dovey.

-It's always the same story. -He's such an asshole.

He's such a liar.

Sometimes I ask him stuff just to entertain myself.

-What do you mean? -Just to see what kind of cockamamy lie he's gonna come up with next.

I mean, some of the stories are really fantastic.

Betty.


How's the sex?

Well, he's real quick.

He's too quick for me.

Plus, he won't do oral.

-Do you? -I used to, before we got married.

I would if he would stop fooling around. I kind of like it.

What about you?

-Ralph's pretty conservative. -Yeah?

BOY: No!

-How about other than Ralph?

Oh, we've been married a long time, Sherri.

There's never been anybody else since you've been married?

No.

Yeah. Me neither.

Not since the kids.

BOY: I don't want to! No!

This atmosphere sure brings it back to me, son, I'll tell ya.

How many years has it been? Say, what? Maybe 25 years?

-What? -Your accident.

Oh, it's about, uh, 30.

I don't know where all that time went.

Oh.

Howard. Uh-oh.

You remember? I brought it along to show, uh –

-Casey. -C-C-Casey. Yeah.

Casey.

Speaking of that, you know the creek?

You can't cross it anymore now. They put a gate up about 10, 11 year –

-Yeah, 11 years ago. Just before I left. -Yeah? That's good.

Of course, if they'd had a gate, that would have... changed things, wouldn't it?

I mean, you wouldn't have been in the hospital that day.

And I – Hell, you probably wouldn't be out here.

You might not have even had Casey, let alone him being in the hospital.

We could still be back in Minnesota with me, and married – Pop, stop it.


CASEY'S VOICE: Hi. This is the Finnigan home.

We can't get to the phone right now, so leave a message after the beep.

BITKOWER: "Oh, somewhere in this favored land

"the sun is shining bright, "the band is playing somewhere

"and somewhere hearts are light.

"And somewhere men are laughing, "and somewhere children shout, "but there is no joy in Mudville – mighty Casey has struck out."

You still resent my not being in the hospital with you, don't ya?

No, I don't. I don't even remember.

Yeah, you do.

You know it, uh – it wasn't my decision.

Things had gotten so out of hand between your mother and me by then that I – Hell, I didn't want to be in your room and make it worse.

I don't even remember the hospital.

I remember, uh, the car flippin' over and gettin' washed away.

That's about it.

I did something that day that I'd never done in my life.

I didn't tell your mother the truth.

Called in sick, and then I left like I was going to work.

And I didn't tell your mother I was going over to Olla's house to hook up a new fridge and an ice maker.

-She'd have had a fit!

I mean, even if she knew that I was getting paid for my time, she would have had a fit.

It was okay for her to help Olla. Oh, not for me.

See? She was very possessive that way.

Well, sisters are funny, you know.

Hell, in this case, I was happy to oblige. I needed the extra money.

And it was Olla's idea not to involve your mother.

It was Olla's idea for me to lie.

I figured it would take a couple hours. Then I'll go to work, tell 'em I'm feeling better.

Anyway, I – I told Olla I'd be over early, and I was.

But there was no answer. So, uh, the – the door was open.

I go in. I hear that she's up in the shower. So I holler out.

You know, so that she won't get scared when she comes out of the shower and hears me working down in the basement, and so forth.

Anyway, I go down.

After a while, Olla comes down to the basement in a robe.

Huh?

And she says that she got cleaned up for me.

And I think that's very odd to say under the circumstances.

But you know Olla. Anyhow, she says, "How's it going?"

I said, "Fine." And, uh, after a while she – Yeah, she asked me if I wanted a beer. She says, "You want a beer?"

I said, "Geez, it's a little early in the morning for that sort of thing, isn't it?"

She says, "Well, I'm not your employer, am I? Do you want one or not?"

I said, "Oh, well, what the hell. Why not?" It seemed like a good idea at the time.

She comes back with two beers.

I tell ya, every time I finish a beer – foom! There's another one in my hand.

Christ, now we're up in the kitchen, and I'm havin' trouble makin' the joints connect – I – 'Cause I'm on my fourth or fifth beer.

And I said, "Olla –" In fact, this is exactly what I said.

Oh, I'll never forget this.

I said, "Olla, if I have one more beer, I'm gonna have to take a nap."

And she says, "I wondered what it would take to get you into bed."

Hey.

Now, I laughed. You know, I – She says, "Don't tell me it didn't cross your mind, because I'll call you a liar."

Well, I'll tell you the truth. It didn't ever!

Yeah, I found her company attractive.

But, Jesus, there was no real – And I didn't – I don't know. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, you know?

I mean, after all, it was your mother's sister.

Anyway, I, uh – I don't know how much time passed.

All I know is that I am working like hell on that ice maker trying to get the damn thing going.

And she is saying things like, uh, "If the positions were reversed, my sister would be doing the same thing."

Do you believe – You know, like this is some little thing between the two of – I-I started sweating. I tell you, my knees are shaking. I don't know what the hell to do.

-I don't know which way to turn. -There's no smokin' in here, Pop.

-Huh? -No smoking.

Oh, that's good. Down to four a day.

And then – she opens the robe.

And I get a load – Oh, Jesus.

God, that woman was put together a hell of lot better than you'd think when she was just in a dress.

I'm tellin' ya. Jesus, that's hard for any man to resist.

I mean, I don't know about you. It sure as hell was for me.

Yeah, well, that, uh – that's a long time ago, Pop.

So –

Neither of us heard your mother come in.

Oh, God Almighty.

She was in such a state. You know, she – Sh-She – She didn't really look at Olla. She just – She looked at me, and she said, "Howard's in the hospital."

And then on – on the way to the hospital, she said – Well, she cried a little bit. But – But she – she only said, "Why didn't you tell me that you weren't going to work?

They told me you were sick."

Oh, Christ, I was so ashamed. I just – It was – It was an unlucky day, you know?

Bad timing.

But I tell you, that first day in the hospital your mother and I stood side by side while those doctors reported to us.

And most of the news was bad. But still, we stood there together.

We took it together!

And then Olla lied.

God! Olla told your mother that – that... we'd been having affairs in the past.

It was only that one time. I tr – Oh, I tried to explain to your mother exactly how it happened.

You know what your mother said... to me?

"I don't want you around anymore.

"I'll get through this thing alone better.

No matter what happens to Howard."

I had to respect her wishes, Howard.

I mean, whether I wanted to or not. I had to.

Christ, I kept thinking, you know, someday – some – some – some – The truth will come out, you know, and she'll understand.

We both know that never happened, so –

Mr. Finnigan? Excuse me, Mr. Finnigan. Uh, you have a telephone call.

It's Mrs. Finnigan. Oh, you can use that phone right there.

Yeah, hi. Everything's okay here. You all right?

Um, I'm coming back to the hospital. Do you want me to bring you anything?

Why? You should get a good night's sleep.

-Casey's gonna be all right. -I'm not staying here.

That crazy person keeps calling. I'm scared to death.

Well, don't, uh – don't answer the phone, honey.

Maybe it's the – the driver from the car.

Maybe she's, uh, feeling guilty or something.

It's a man.

Well, don't worry.

I mean, I'm here with Casey.

The doctors and the nurses are there with him all the time.

-He's gonna be all right. -No, I'm comin'.

-No – I wish you wouldn't. Honey?

Uh, you finish your coffee. I gotta get back.


CASEY'S VOICE: Hi. This is the Finnigan home.

We can't get to the phone right now, so leave a message after the beep.

-That is a good painting. -HONEY: Yeah.

Really good.

-Colors are good. -Yeah.

-Goes with the walls. -But look at these fish though.

-Aren't those cool? -Mmm.

-Aren't those cool? -Yeah, I don't really give a fuck about fish.

They just kinda swim and shit.

-Hey, your makeup looks good. -Yeah?

-You think it's too much though? -No. You're like a model.

-Thanks. -Yeah.

-Hey. -Almost ready.

-Did Bill do it? -Yeah. Of course he did.

-Bill, you've gotta do me sometime. -Yeah, sure.

Hey, make mine well-done.

Hey.

-Look at that.

-Look at that. -Looks pretty.

So, what were you saying about, um, the virt –

-What is it? The virtual – -Virtual reality.

-Yeah. -Okay, you know what "virtual" means?

Uh, sort of.

Okay, it's like really real.

So, virtual reality is practically, totally real.

-But not. -Mm-hmm.

-Claire. -MAN : Standby.

At my command...

-Claire? -Get back here!

♪♪

MAN : Goddamn it!

Listen!

Stuart.

I thought you weren't coming home till tomorrow.

-Well, you know. -Oh.

God, I hate that fish smell.

They said on the TV that there was rain up there.

-Did you get rained out? -No. Caught our limit.

-Oh. Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm.

-And I missed you.

-That'll be the day.

-Your hands stink. -Mmm.

-Phew. -Kind of smells like pussy, don't you think?

-I hate that. Go wash your hands.

Stop it! -Smells like a rainbow to me.

-Go wash your hands. -Come on. Come on, come on.

What are you doing?

Come on. I've been sleeping with men for three days.


Bunny, my ass.


-I'm glad you came home early. -Oh, me too.

Mmm.

-Oh. -CLAIRE: Ooh, you're all wet.

Yeah. You'll have to dry me off.

Did I ever tell you about what happened in the last Pomona game in '83?

-You remember that game? -Yeah, I broke my – broke my ankle.

Right, okay, well, while you were snapping your ankle, me and Red, we slipped Mickeys on these four girls.

-This is true. These, like, bootleg quaaludes.

Like – Like dangerous stuff, right?

And I remember 'cause two of the girls' names was Kelly. Remember?

I think you might have met those two Kellys before.

He doesn't call you, does he?

-What do you mean? -You know, when you're workin'.

Oh. I don't think so.

I mean, I get a lot of Bills, but it's – it's a common name.

'Cause you'd recognize his voice, right?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it was so weird.

The bishop in my parents' church called me.

Oh, and he wanted, um, an incest call with, like, a four-year-old girl.

I mean, I look at, you know, Joe-Joe or Josette.

Man, that is fucked up.

Oh, man.

Oh, that could just fuck your life up.

I mean, a little eight-year-old girl, she just does whatever the adult tells her to do.

Oh, man. I – I know.

Believe me, that's fucked.

Okay, look, I – I-I don't condone it.

But it's a money call.

And keeps him off the streets anyway.

-♪♪ -I like this music.

Yeah. This is good, huh?

It's not – I don't know. It's different. It's kind of dry.

It's like dry humping some wet pussy flap.

Wet pussy.

I know what that's all about.

You make me very happy.

-Claire. -Hmm?

We found a body up there.

A girl.

Guess she was murdered.

Stuart.

Well, when we got there, she was – This, uh, naked body in the water, just floatin' there.

Dead.

Jesus.

When? Were you fishing?

Nah. No, we – we just got up there.

We're setting up camp, and – Well, Vern saw it in the water.

It was really somethin'.

I never experienced anything like it before.

Hell, no one knew what to do.

What did you do?

Well, you know, there wasn't much we could do.

It was – It was gettin' dark and, uh, she was dead.

Nothin' was gonna change that.

-How old was she? -Huh?

How old was she?

Uh – Oh, I don't know.

In her 20s, maybe. You couldn't tell.

Must have been horrible.

What did you do?

Nothin'.

Nothing?

I mean, after you got her out of the water.

-Did she drown? -We don't know.

I didn't think we should move her, you know?

You left her in the water?

Yeah.

For how long?

Until we left and reported it.

I tied her to the bank.


How long did you say you left her in the water?

Claire.

She was dead.

We didn't think we should move her. It was dark.

We made a decision to leave her there until we could report it!

She was already dead!

And when did you report it?

This morning. Today.

-Today? -Yeah.

And when did you find her?

I told you.

Well, when did you catch the fish?

Christ!

That's what we went up there for – to fish.

You fished while she was in the water? You just left her there?

Claire – You're making me sick!

Marian's got a crush on Alex Trebek.

-Alex Trebek? -Yeah.

-Where'd she meet him? -At a party.

He's an art collector or something. She thinks he might buy one of her paintings.

-Nah, I don't think so. -No?

I don't see how she could even give those things away.

Well, she sells a lot more than you think.

I posed for her today.

-Ralph walked in the middle of it. -Ralph. What a jerk.

I don't know if I know a bigger jerk.

It was embarrassing, but I guess they're used to it, being doctors and artists and all.

What was embarrassing about it?

Well, you know.

I was nude.

You mean, like, you were naked?

Mm-hmm. "Nude," they call it.

You mean...

-without any underpants on, -Mm-hmm. naked?

Wouldn't it be a trip if Alex Trebek bought a nude painting of me?


♪ Can't stand the suspense ♪

♪ The endless embraces ♪

♪ Each episode ♪ Yeah. Sit over there under Art Blakey.

-HONEY: Why's he here? There's a – -LOIS: Who?

-Art – Where's Art Blakey? -Where?

-He's at the bar. Can you block me? -Oh, yeah. He's listening to the music.

-He don't see you. -Can you block me?

-You're blocked, babe. Okay. Okay? -Earl's here.

-What? -Earl's here.

-Where? -Hey, that's that lady. I – I just cleaned her pool.

♪ Kiss ♪

-It's all black people. -Is he lookin' over here?

-No. -No?

-I can't believe he's here. -Wanna go to the Troubadour after this?

-Did he see me? -Now he's looking. Now he's not.

♪ I favor ♪

♪ A good ♪

♪ Punishing kiss ♪♪

-Thank you.

-Whoo! -Want to puff one? Want to puff?

-We'll be right back. -Don't worry. I'll take care of it.

-Please. He'll see me. -WOMAN: How you doing?

Good. I'd like to sing you some songs that I used to do with my ex, Chick Trainer.

That was before he got me pregnant in Miami, and before he blew his brains out through the hole in his arm.

-Come here. -And that was, like, 20 years ago.

-I don't want to talk to you, Earl. I'm with some people. Okay? -I'm with – I'm with some people, Earl! You're embarrassing me!

You're embarrassing me.

-Come on, have a drink. -Earl!

-Here's a song that says something – -Go! that I think we've all said at one time or another –

-To hell with love. -You okay?

Mm-hmm.

-Hey, even if the music sucks here, -Mm-hmm. we're still gonna have fun.

-All right? -Yup.

♪ I'm gonna like somebody ♪

♪ And let them like me ♪

-♪ Going further means chains ♪ -You got a light?

-Uh, no. -♪ And I was born to be free ♪

♪ To hell with love ♪

-I like this one. The sentiment anyway. -♪ To hell with love ♪

-Shit. You want some? -Yep.

♪ I find a way to keep ♪

♪ From gettin' in too deep ♪

♪ To hell with love ♪

-Yeah. it looks good. -I like this one.

You looking for a friend, Trixie?

Uh, I don't need a friend. I got a husband.

-You mean them boys that just left? -Yeah. And they're coming right back.

I hope they don't catch you talking to us.

-Yeah, they'll probably cut your dick off. Oh-ho-ho.

I think they went to get a blow job.

That's what I think.

And I thought you had to have a brain to think.

I'll tell you what, Trixie.

Why don't you come with me out back and suck on my joint, hmm?

Hmm?

Then I'll give you these two yards.

Go ahead. You wanna touch 'em?

-Would you just leave us alone, please? -Honey, it's okay.

It shouldn't take too long. I just got out of three years of lockup.

-What's your name? -My name is Joe, baby.

-Fuck off, Joe. -Oh, Trixie.

Come on, now. You can buy a lot of mouthwash with that.

Think about it.

-What's this? -Hey, I believe that belongs to me.

Thank you very much.

Will you shut up? The lady's trying to sing.

-♪ I thought that I would die ♪ -Hey, what's goin' on here?

♪ I could have built a water bed ♪

-You want to say somethin'? -♪ With all the tears I cried ♪

♪ To hell with love ♪

-I didn't think so. -♪ To hell with love ♪

-BILL : Forget him. Forget it. -Hey.

♪ When it comes to me and you ♪

♪ To hell with love ♪ We could have used that money, Jerry.

-I feel a little sick. -♪ To hell ♪

-Don't worry about it. -♪ With love ♪ Gotta pick your moments.

♪ When it comes to you and me that's the way it's gonna be ♪

♪ If you share my point of view ♪

♪ I'm the woman made for you ♪

♪ When it comes to push or shove ♪

♪ If you're holding out for love ♪

♪ To hell with love ♪♪

Doreen?

Doreen, it's Earl.

Doreen! Goddamn it.

Doreen, baby.

Doreen?

-Pat. Pat!

Wilby!

Wilby!

Goddamn it!


♪♪

What are you doing up so early?

Did I leave a roach here?

Did you see a roach here?

Damn.

Had a lousy night.

Couldn't sing for shit.

It was a lousy crowd.

I hate LA.

All they do is snort coke and talk.

♪ La-la-da-da-da ♪

♪ La-la ♪♪ Yeah, I recognize that. I like that.

I wish Chick was here.

Tsk. Maybe I'll get a job in Amsterdam.

Chick loved it there. Everyone does.

They really know how to treat a jazz person there.

How was your night? How'd your hand do?

I remember, Chick damn near cut his finger off once.

It was in Kansas City.

And he was working with Anita O'Day, and, uh – I forget.

And he punched the window of a car out

'cause he'd left the keys inside.

That was really a hard time for him to play because the cut was on his slide hand.

It kept openin' up. And I knew it hurt him.

And when I saw that guy walk in that club – I knew it wasn't gonna hurt much longer.

He walked straight to Chick.

Chick bent down, looked up at me and smiled.

He said, "Five minutes. Five minutes."

Well, I'd heard that before.

Five hours later I got a phone call.

Could I please come and get my old man 'cause... he'd OD'd, and they didn't want him in the house.

So...

I got there as fast as I could.

And – he was turnin' blue.

♪ Blue ♪

♪ And wrapped up in sorrow ♪

♪ Blue ♪

♪ Like there's ♪

♪ No ♪♪


Well, you're up early.

I have things to do.

Work?

Yes.

Uh, aren't we supposed to have dinner with, uh, with, uh, th-those concert people tonight?

-The Wymans. -Yeah, them.

-Yes, we are. Claire, about last night –

-Uh – -Read the paper.

Does it say something about it?

It had a name – Caroline Avery.

She was 23 years old.

She'd been raped and then smothered to death.

She was from Bakersfield.

Thank you.

Hey, baby. Could I, uh, get a –

Some day, huh, buddy?

Earl, what are you doing here?

I'm here to see you. What else?

Baby, I've looked everywhere for you.

I was at the trailer last night. You weren't there.

Your car was there, but you weren't there.

Honey, where you been sleeping? Look at your hair.

I – I slept outside.

I didn't wanna sleep in our bed.

People are looking. You wanna order something?

Yeah. How about you on a bed of rice?

Cut it out.

-You want a cup of coffee? -Oh, yeah. Give me some coffee.

-How about an egg sandwich? -With a broke yolk?

Yeah, with a broke yolk.

Thanks, baby. How did you get here?

Peg brought me. I didn't wanna use the car after what happened.

Yeah, right.

What time you gettin' off?

-About an hour. -What do you say I chauffeur you around to the manner in which you are soon to become accustomed?

-I'm sure. -I'm getting us out of here, baby.

I'm getting us out of Downey.

Till the wheels come off, baby.

Till the wheels come off.

Is that a fine-lookin' woman or what?

I beg your pardon?

How'd you like to be married to something like that?

I am.

-Shh, shh, shh.

Mommy, Daddy.

Shit!

Ah, silly Daddy, sleeping on Mommy.

-Daddy, Austin's crying and he woke me up.

-What is it? -He misses Suzy.

Well, you go tell Austin to come in here, and Will too.

-I got some good news, a surprise. -About Suzy?

Maybe. You go and get them and bring 'em back here.

Will, Austin.

Wake up, wake up.

Okay.

Come here. It's okay. It's gonna be all right. Listen.

-Kids, can you keep a secret? -Yeah.

Okay, Daddy did something last night he shouldn't have done.

That's why you have to keep it a secret.

Daddy went down to the police station and put an APB out on Suzy.

An APB?

You're not supposed to put APB's out on dogs, but I did it.

And I got a call this morning.

I think they think they know where Suzy is.

-Really? -Yes, and as soon as I have my coffee I'm gonna go down and see if I can find her, okay?

-Now you guys go and get dressed. -I wanna go with you.

No. You go get dressed, and we'll see if we can't find our little doggy.

Put your clothes on, Will. Do what your dad says.

Gene, not now. The kids will – Oh.

There's a line of prose from the writings of St. Teresa which seemed more and more appropriate as I thought toward this.

So I want to offer a meditation on the sentence.

St. Teresa, that extraordinary woman who lived 373 years ago, said, "Words lead to deeds.

"They prepare the soul, make it ready and move it to tenderness."

There's a clarity and beauty in that thought expressed in just this way.

There's also something a little foreign in the sentiment coming to our attention in these times –

How are you today, sir? My name is Aubrey Bell.

-You must be Mr. Weathers. -Yeah.

I have something here for Mrs. Weathers. She won something.

-Is Mrs. Weathers home? -Oh, she's not at home.

-What did she win? -I'll have to show you. May I come in?

I'm kind of busy right now. Tell me what it is.

She won a free vacuuming and carpet shampoo, no strings attached.

I'll even do your mattress.

You'd be surprised what could build up under a mattress over the months, over the years.

-Same with the pillows. -Really?

Yes, sir. This is your lucky day.

Well, I can see you've had some kind of problem here.

That doesn't affect my work any.

I've seen about everything there is to see.


-So, what do you want to do today? -Maybe go to the beach.

No way. Who's gonna drive us?

-I don't know. Let's go look at the cop. -Yeah, come on.

-Cops freak me out. -He's looking at us.

-Oh, what is that cop doing? -Hello, boys.

-Hi. What's the problem? -No problem.

-I'm gonna have to take that dog, though. -What – Take? Take? Dad! Dad!

-Yeah? What's the matter? -He's taking my dog.

Hey, hey. Excuse me. Officer, what's going on here anyway?

-How long have you had this dog, sir? -What difference does it make? It's my kid's dog.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to take this dog, sir. It's been missing for a couple of days.

-It's highly dangerous. It bit an infant. -A police officer's taking the dog.

We have to check it for rabies.

It doesn't look sick to me. You sure you got the right dog?

-Fits the description, sir. -Please, sir. Don't take my dog.

I'm sorry, son. I have to. It's for your own safety.

And kids, in the future, if you find a lost dog, report it.

Every animal has their rightful owner.

-Don't let him take my dog. -Don't worry about it. -In you go, Suzy.

Don't you have anything better to do than take dogs away from kids?

Keep up with that lip, sir, I'm gonna have to cite you for an open container.

-Dad, aren't you gonna do something?

-Aren't you gonna get him back? -We'll get you a new dog.

-But I don't want a new dog. -Let's get inside.

-Frisbee was special. -Don't worry about it.


I've asked one of my colleagues to come by.

We're not sure why Casey's not responsive.

His CAT scan shows the blood clot's still small, but there's still more brain swelling.

I'd like to suggest some minor surgery. Intracranial pressure monitor.

-Oh, God. -There's no cause for alarm.

Casey's making small improvements in other areas.

His lungs have cleared up substantially. That's a big plus.

Brian, the Negro boy in 111.

I think he was operated on yesterday. Could I inquire about his condition?

-Oh, yeah. He's doing very well. -Yeah?

He's out of critical condition. We'll be taking him out of the ICU today.

Oh, that's nice. Thanks.

Excuse me just one minute.

-Excuse me. What exactly is a diuretic? -It makes him urinate more.

-I see. So, that's to alleviate pressure? -Casey. Casey, please wake up.

-Yeah, okay. I'll be right there. -Dr. Wyman.

I wanted to thank you for saving my son's life. You are a miracle worker.

-That's my job. -He'll have a minor surgery?

Nurse, are you clear about this? Mr. Finnigan, I'm sorry, I – Hey, Knute. I just was hearing the good news.

Congratulations. I can't tell you how pleased I am.

Thank you very much. I mean, everybody has been so nice.

Casey.

Casey, we love you, honey. Please wake up.

Any change in my grandson that you know of? I mean – I'm sorry. I don't have any additional information.

Casey. Casey?

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, sweetie.

Casey. Howard!

-How's your little boy? -Howard, Casey's waking up.

Look, his eyes are open.

-Hey, sweetie. -Hey, Case.

Hey, Case. Hey, buddy. How you doing?

Hey, can you hear me?

Hi, son.

-Hey, Casey. -Case.

-Casey. Hey, Case, can you hear – Howard. Howard, what's that? Howard, what's happening?

Ca – Nurse! Nurse! Come here!

-Howard, do something! -Hurry up. Hurry up.

-Come here. I don't think he's breathing here. -NURSE: Casey, are you all right?

HOWARD: He opened his eyes and then he stopped breathing.

Call a code blue and get me some help in here immediately.

-Code blue. ICU. -Can you hear me, son? Casey?

I need you to clear the room. I need to make some space. Let the doctors work. Please.

-We have to go clear the room. -ANN: No!

Come on. We'll wait outside. We'll be right outside.

Just give them room. Just give them room to work.

-Just give them room to work. -Get the bed and pull it out for me.

Mrs. Finnigan, I'm sure you'd be more comfortable. You don't wanna – Get out of here!

Let's put him up on this.

-Oh! -Can we get the thallium?

Nothing. No. .4 of epinephrine, please.

-After that, you can draw up .4 of atropine. -Excuse me. Excuse me.

Start CPR.

NURSE: Okay, atropine ready.

DOCTOR: How long we been doing this?

-Uh, two minutes. -Good.

Check for pulse.

How long?

I'll continue CPR.


I can't believe it. Can you?

She was just over at my apartment two weeks ago.

Do you know her from work?

-Did you sign the guest book? -No. No, not yet.

Excuse me.


-MAN #1: Zoe, Zoe, Zoe. -MAN #2: Let's go, Zoe. Zoe.

Mrs. Finnigan.

How's Casey?

-Casey didn't make it, Zoe.

Come on, honey. Come on. Let's go.

STUART: Well, I filled out an application about two weeks ago.

A Mr. Walsh told me to call him in case I hadn't heard.

Well, I've been away on family business.

-WOMAN : Please hold a minute. -Okay. All right. I'll hold.

Where you been all day?

-What time is it? -I asked you where you been.

WOMAN : Sir, give me your number, and I'll have Mr. Walsh get back to you.

Yeah, well, it's 504-0361.

-But it should be on the application. -Okay, I'll tell him you called.

Okay, thank you.

-So this is what it's gonna be, huh?

Oh, yeah.

We have to be there at 7:00, you know. You don't have very much time.

-What's the big deal? It's just a barbecue. -MAN : Personnel.

-This is Stuart Kane. With a "K." -You made the date, Stuart.

Aren't you the big sportsman who's supposed to be bringing the fish?

Why are they always naked?

Why does naked make it art?

-Did you make me a drink? -It's in the blender.

It smells strong.

I'm gonna have some wine.

-Is that what you're wearing? -Yes.

I thought we were cooking out.

Stuart's bringing fish, remember?

Well, if it's just a barbecue, why are you getting dressed up?

-This isn't dressed up. -I'm not changing.

She'll probably dress up.

-Are you competing? -Competing with who?

Claire, honey. We're talking about Claire.

-Are you competing with Claire? -For what?

What women compete for, I guess.

-Do you think he's attractive? -Who?

-The husband. -Stuart is.

He's the kind of guy women find attractive, isn't he?

-The outdoorsman type. -We don't know a lot about them.

I hope they like something other than chamber music.

Isn't it wonderful, Marian, how we can skate around an issue, always playing our little game?

That's a good idea, a game.

Might help break the ice. Jeopardy, maybe.

I'm talking about us. I'm talking about now.

-What about us? -You know.

Know what?

Let's forget it.

Forget what? What are you talking about?

-It's nothing. It's ancient history. -No.

Something's on your mind.

-That party. -What party?

You know what party I'm talking about, Marian. The one with Mitchell Anderson.

Jesus, Ralph. That was three years ago.

-You kissed him, didn't you? -No.

-Your lipstick was smeared when you came back. -How would you know? You were drunk!

Jesus Christ, look at this. Goddamn it! Look at this!

Look what you made me do! Goddamn it! I wanted to wear this.

That's the way you looked that night with Mitchell Anderson when you were out necking.

-He kissed you, didn't he? -Come on, Ralph.

I thought we were through with that.

I want you to tell me about that night with Mitchell Anderson.

-There's nothing to tell. -All right.

Then tell me about nothingness. I'd like to hear a complete account of nothing.

What you didn't do for two and a half hours.

Why, Ralph? What's so important? It was three years ago.

All right, it's not important. It's water under the bridge.

But what irritates me, Marian – if that's the right word for it – is that you won't tell me the truth.

You can't say the obvious. You can't admit that you lied!

That's what I don't like, Marian, having to play this charade.

God, Ralph. How did this start?

Do you know how this started? 'Cause I really –

-I really don't know how this started. -Marian, look at me!

-You don't have any panties on. -Do you know how this started?

What do you think you are, one of your goddamn paintings?

Marian, I'm giving you a chance to come clean, clear the slate, on to a higher consciousness.

And then, don't ever lie to me again, Marian.

-This is not like you, Ralph. -What, to demand? You're right, Marian.

But I wanna know. I wanna know the truth.

-We're just talking, right? -Yes, Marian. We're just talking!

-You want me to tell you the truth? -That's all I've ever asked, Marian.

Okay.

He kissed me.

-Does that satisfy you? -Did it satisfy you?

Everybody was pretty far gone, as you may or may not know.

Marian, I don't really need all this perspective, just the facts.

All right. All right, Ralph. Okay.

Somehow – Somehow the two of us were elected to go out and get liquor.

We drove to the Foremost, which was closed, and then to Cappy's, which was also closed – everything was closed.

I mean, I was beginning to wonder whether anything would be open.

All I could think of were those all-night supermarkets, and – I wondered whether anybody would even be in the mood for a drink if we had to drive around half the night looking for an open market.

He was really drunk.

I hadn't even realized how drunk he was until we started driving.

And he was driving – he was driving terribly slow.

He was all hunched over the wheel, and we were talking.

We were talking about a lot of things.

A lot of things that didn't make sense I mean, about, uh, religious images and about this – about this painter, this painter named Larry Rivers.

And, uh – And then he started talking about Norman Mailer and about how Norman Mailer stabbed his wife in the breast.

And he said he'd hate it if anybody did that to me.

He said he'd like to kiss my breast.

And then he pulled the car over to the side of the road, and... then he kissed me.

How long?

How long what?

How long did he kiss you?

Then what?

Then he said, "Do you wanna have a go at it?"

Jesus, Marian. "Do you wanna have a go at it?"

What – "Do you wanna have a go at it?

Do you wanna have a go at it?"

What does that mean, Marian? "Do you wanna have a go at it?"

Did he kiss your tits? Did you touch him?

Touch him? Touch him?

Okay, Ralph. Ralph, you wanna know what happened?

He kissed me, and I kissed him back.

And then we did it. We did it right there in the car.

He fucked me right there in the car.

I was drunk. It didn't mean anything to me.

I wish it hadn't happened, but it did.

Is that all? Is that all you wanna know? Is that all?

Yes, Marian.

-That's all. -Ralph, he didn't come in me.

-I swear to God, he didn't come in me. -Okay.

Where are you going, Ralph?

Well, Marian, we have guests coming, and I'm gonna go and light the barbecue.

♪♪

♪ Each day ♪

♪ Just about sunset ♪

♪ I watch you ♪

♪ Passing my door ♪

♪ It's all I can do ♪

♪ Not to run to you ♪

-We're closed. -♪ But I don't wanna cry ♪

-Can I help you? -No, I just came to talk to my mom.

-Who's your mom? -That's my mom.

♪ Nighttime ♪

-Who's that? -She says she's Tess's kid.

You're kidding me. A string player?

♪ The same old moon ♪

♪ We knew before ♪

♪ It's all I can do ♪

♪ Not to run to you ♪♪

-Hold it. -♪♪ What are you doing here, Zoe?

-Mom, Casey died. -Casey? Who's that?

The little boy who lives right next door.

-He got run over by a car. -I'll be damned. Just like that?

Kids.

I just saw Mrs. Finnigan.

I feel so bad for them, and I thought you'd wanna know.

It's a cryin' shame, baby.

-She must feel like shit. -Mom.

Why don't you go sit over here? We're just rehearsing.

-Okay, let's try it again. -Mom.

From the top, okay?

♪♪

♪ Each day ♪

♪ Just about sunset ♪

♪ I watch you ♪

♪ Passing my door ♪

♪ It's all I can do ♪

♪ Not to run to you ♪

♪ But I don't wanna cry ♪

♪ Anymore ♪♪

Suzy! Daddy, you found Suzy!

-Suzy! -SANDY: Suzy, we missed you.

Suzy.

Suzy's here.

SANDY: I missed you, Suzy. I love you.

AUSTIN: Daddy, why can't I have a monkey?

Geez, I hate this goddamn thing.

Well, if you'd get a job, you could get your car fixed.

You sure this is the right address?

We should've parked about three blocks away.

-CLAIRE: Hi. -Come in. Come on in.

-We're not early, are we? -No, not at all.

-Did you have any trouble finding the house? -STUART: Not at all.

I got the fish. Where do you want me to put this?

-Come on in. Just come right this way. -Oh, wow.

-Ralph. -Hi.

-Like a drink? -Oh, thank you.

-STUART: How are you? -Why don't we go out to the patio?

-Hello, Steven. How are you? -Stuart.

-Right. I'm sorry, Stuart. -Oh, wow. Look at these pictures.

-Where did you get them? -Uh, they're mine. I painted them.

-You're kidding. -RALPH: Piña colada.

-STUART: Piña colada? -RALPH: How was the trip?

-Oh, not bad. Took the 405 to the 10 – -No, I meant the fishing trip.

Oh, it was great.

I got it right here. Want me to take it to the kitchen or something, or – Why don't we just take it out to the barbecue?

Okay. Out here, huh?

-You like fishing? -Oh, I love to fish.

-Uh-huh? -Yeah.

-Is that your hobby, fishing? -No, not really.

Uh, I do enjoy it though.

But I don't like fishing in boats because I don't swim.

-So I'll go to lakes or rivers. -MARIAN: I'll give you a tour. We can...

-start with the upstairs. -Oh, look at this.

-I'll show you the bedrooms first. -Okay.

STUART: I don't get out as much as I'd like to.

How about you? You a fisherman?


I'm sorry I had to do that, but you just got out of line.

Come on, Bill.

-And I know I'm just a gardener. -I'm getting tired of this.

Good-bye. Oh, no, let me fix it there for you. Don't.

-Bill, this has taken fucking hours. -Yeah, well, you know.

-Come on. -Stop it, stop it. Don't move.

I gotta go to the bathroom. Don't lean on me like that.

-I'm taking this thing out too. -No. Okay, okay.

-Just keep it in for the picture. -Hold on a second.

Support your husband.

Now, look like I – like someone really hurt you like Earl beat you.

-Thank you. -Shut up.

-Did he? -You know he didn't.

I know he didn't literally. What else did he do?

What do you think about when you think about Earl?

Can we stop? I don't wanna talk about that, okay?

-Come on, Bill. Let's get going. -I was in the shower sometimes and I hear the sound of the water going down the drain and I think it's somebody hurting you in the other room and it scares me.

-Bill, come on. -Open your blouse a little for this one.

-No, I don't do those shots. -Come on, just for me.

I don't wanna do this anymore. I've been doing this for – I've been very patient.

-I mean, I could've sped up the process. -No.

I could've just done it my – my quick version.

Just, crunch! Crack!

Please, let's –

-But I didn't, because I loved you so. -I love you too.

Why did that excite me? I started getting a little chubby when I was doing that.

That's weird. Okay, this is my last request.

-That's it. I'm getting restless. I am. -Okay. This is it, okay.

-Let's go. Where do you want this? -Right under your armpit.

-This is it. I've been a sport. -Okay.

-All right. It's perfect now. -I want you to just hold this.

-You're dead, and your husband is a creep. -All right. Okay, go.

-Do it. Do it. I'm ready. -I love you.

STUART: I'm in sales. Hardware, primarily, but I've sold about everything else.

-CLAIRE: Clothes. -I've never sold clothes.

That's what I'm saying. Everything but clothes.

-So you're retired? -You know what? I'm almost set up here.

-I wish. -Ralph, could you bring everybody to the table?

-Claire. -I been –

-I been out of work for three months now. -Stuart.

I mean, nobody seems to be interested in salesmen anymore.

-♪♪ -Everything's gonna become self-serve.

Could you sit over there with him?

Are you gonna be Alex Trebek?

-Yes, I'm gonna be Alex Trebek. -Salesmen will be kind of like the middlemen everybody's trying to cut out.

Well, on that note, why don't we just go ahead and start the game?

-Claire, do you wanna pick a category? -It's your buzzer.

The Night Sky, Political Quotes, Racy Movies.

-Oh, Racy Movies. Racy Movies. -The Blues – Oh, my panties are getting a little wet.

Oh, baby, why don't you take your fingers and rub my hot, pink pussy?

Oh, yeah, right on my clit.

And now take your fingers and put them inside me and – Oh, yeah. Just fuck me with your fingers, baby.

Oh, don't you wanna go inside?

You wanna hear how wet I am?

-What are you doing? -Getting a roach.

That's how wet you make my pussy, baby.

Oh, I really want you to fuck me now.

I want you to go inside with your big, hard cock.

Oh, but wait. Wait.

Make me beg for it. Just tease my clit. Please, baby.

Oh, my legs are spread so wide.

Oh, I feel you fucking me so deep.

Oh, please, harder.

Harder.

Oh, I can feel your balls against my ass, baby.

Oh, yeah. Oh, lift my legs above your shoulders.

Yeah, just fuck me so hard.

Oh, I'm gonna come.

Sounded like you really got hot talking to that guy.

Right. Did you give Joe-Joe his eardrops?

Talking about his dick and everything.

"Dick." I never say that word.

-Cock, whatever. -I hate that word. "Dick."


-RALPH: Who is Mariette Hartley? -MARIAN: That's right.

RALPH: It's not really fair that I should win all the time, is it?

-Are you cheating, Ralph? -No, Marian. You cheat, remember?

-Ooh. -All right.

This time you be Alex Trebek now, okay? Time to switch.

-Finished with this one. Let's switch. -CLAIRE: We're gonna switch places?

-Okay, Stuart, you have to sit in the middle. -RALPH: Does Alex Trebek cheat?

Move over. You gotta be in the middle.

-Hey, hey, hey! -Hey, hey, hey.

Here's the categories: Little Songs, Celebrities, Gourmet Cooking, Family Life – Gourmet cooking. Shit!

-Aw, shit! -MARIAN: Oh, Jesus, Ralph!

Oh, God. -You said 10 minutes an inch, Stuart.

I did. The thickness, not the length.

How about we have another piña colada?

-♪♪


♪♪

♪♪

♪ You may mean me some good ♪

♪ You may mean me some harm ♪

♪ You may be a fire ♪

♪ You may be a false alarm ♪

♪ 'Cause I don't know you ♪

♪ I don't know you ♪

♪ I don't know you ♪ I don't think you should talk that way in front of the kids.

-They don't understand. -How do you know?

It goes in one ear, and it goes out the other.

You should be happy that I have a job where I'm home all the time, you know.

We don't send them to some funky day care.

I make damn good money.

Hey, did you collect from the Ryans yet?

I don't want you servicing their pool, you know, if they haven't paid.

How come you never talk to me like that?

Like what?

Like the way you talk those guys off.

Are you kidding me?

Well, that might spice things up.

Look, you wanna fuck me, fuck me. I'm just a little talked out, you know.

Shit. Can you get this for me?

Jerry, big bear.

Did I hurt your feelings?

-Look at me. -No.

-Look at me. -It's all right. Let me just get this.

I'm so glad Joe-Joe got your eyes. You know that?

You wanna fuck? Hmm?

Yeah, let's fuck. Come on. We can fuck.

Oh, shit. Wait a minute. Sorry, I – The TV.

Be right back.

♪ My little puppy's name is Rags ♪

♪ He eats so much that his tummy sags ♪

♪ His ears flip-flop and his tail wig-wags ♪

♪ He walks back and forth in a big zigzag ♪ STUART: I mean, being a doctor and all, do you touch many dead bodies?

♪ Wig-wag, zigzag ♪

-♪ He doesn't have any pedigree ♪ -That's kind of a strange question, isn't it?

♪ But I love him and he loves me ♪♪

-Come on, it's your turn.

You know, a little makeup, a little costume.

STUART: Oh, no.

A little weird behavior. Isn't that what it's all about?

Don't look at me like that, Stuart.

It's always me underneath. You know, I can change.

But I can always go back to me.

-Don't you wish you could do that? -Marian, what have you got on underneath?

You know, Ralph. Nothing.

So what do you wanna be? I wanna be nothing.

And I'm gonna make you a pussycat.

-Wait, does this stuff come off? -Oh, sure.

Well, I know how to do nothing. We'll just erase your face.

♪ In a setting by the woods ♪

♪ A little man by the river stood ♪

♪ Saw a girl come floating by ♪

♪ And he heard her cry ♪♪

"Help me, help me, help me," she said.

He couldn't help her. She was dead.

I know who it was.

The baker.

-What, honey? -Casey's birthday cake.

-Howard. -What? What is it?

-I know who made the phone calls. -Who?

The baker, Mr. Bitkower.

-Oh, sweetie. -Stop. Don't do that.

♪ I don't know you well ♪

♪ I don't know you at all ♪

♪ I don't know you ♪

♪ I don't know you ♪

♪ I don't know you ♪♪ STUART: You know, my mother was an artist, sort of.

-She always said I should draw or that I could, but I don't know.

You know, when I was in art school, I had a teacher.

Eventually killed himself. He couldn't sell anything.

But he used to have us paint with sticks and rocks whatever you could find, like – like cavemen or something.

I guess it was supposed to be like – He never allowed brushes or pencils or – or real paint – the paint you could buy, anyway – just to get you to feel, or something.

I've forgotten.


Zoe. Zoe, don't do this to me.

Zoe!

No!

Oh, baby. Oh, my God.

Oh, baby. Oh, baby.

Oh! No. Zoe, no.

I'm not open yet. The bakery's closed for business.

We can see you're closed, but I'm sure you'll see us.

Mr. Bitkower!

Mr. Bitkower!

-Hey, you're not allowed in here. -Mr. Bitkower.

-What do you want? -I'm Casey's mother. This is Casey's father.

I'm busy. You come back when I'm open.

-No. -All right.

You want your cake now. Is that it? You finally want the cake you ordered?

We wanna talk to you about the cake that wasn't picked up.

-Or paid for. -You're a terrible person, Mr. Bitkower.

It cost me time and money to make that cake.

I have work to do. I don't wanna talk to you.

You're gonna talk to her, or I'm gonna knock you on your ass, pal.

-How can you be so cheap and insensitive? -Lady, I work 16 hours a day to make ends meet.

-I bake all night and work all day. -Oh, you bake all night?

I thought you made phone calls at night, you bastard.

I'll call somebody. Get out of my store.

I don't want any trouble here.

My son is dead.

He is dead, Mr. Bitkower.

He was hit by a car the day I came in here to order the cake.

We have been waiting with him until he died.

And now he is dead.

There are no more birthdays.

He is dead!

You bastard! You bastard! Goddamn you!

-Goddamn you! -Come on.

-Goddamn you! -Shame on you.

-Shame.

Wait. Wait, don't go.

Don't go. Don't go. Wait.

Let me get you a chair. Here, sit down.

-LOIS: What are you doing, Joe? -BILL: I've never seen more fucking homeless people.

LOIS: Hey, you. Drink that. Don't spill it.

-So – -Josette, stay in the car.

-Joe-Joe, watch your sister. -What do you guys want?

-LOIS: Cigarettes. -HONEY: Beers.

-Yeah, we're here for beer. -Lots of beer.

We're already gonna get some beer.

-LOIS: We'll be right back, Joe. -JOE: Where you going?

We're going to get Aunt Honey's photographs. You watch Josette.

How much is that gonna cost?

-WOMAN: What was your last name? -LOIS: Keep your eye on her. Don't let her get to the edge.

-No, Honey Bush. -Keep your eye on your sister.

-Honey. Honey Bush. -Hey.

Hey, Mr. Johnson, how's it going? Thank you. Sorry.

-Is five dollars enough? -Yeah. That's how much it is.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Let me see.

Who are these?

-She's dead.

-Ew, that is gross. -She's dead.

Ew, Honey, he's coming. Go.

-Oh, my God. -Careful.

Come on, get in. Are we gonna do this picnic or what?

Do you have a pen? "7NZ" –

-He's going to that one. -Come on.

Remember this. "7NZ699."

7NZ699.

6048364. 6048364.

Mmm.

See, look what you do.

You make the food look like a little show down there on the plate.

It looks like a little stage with little – little sausage people on it.

-It's so cute.

I love all those things about you.

I love everything you say.

I'm getting us out of Downey, baby. Don't worry about it.

It's all temporary.

Oh, I don't want it to be over.

-We'll do it again. -When?

Well, I've got three round trips out of JFK to Berlin.

And then a little stopover in Bangkok that I requested, a four-day layover there.

That'll be great. So, uh, next month.

-Maybe we should go to Hawaii. -Yeah.

Chad could stay with his father. I mean, he'll be in school, right?

-Chad had a great time. -Wally had a great time.

-How about little Wally?

A smokin' good time.

-WALLY: Yippee-aye-ay!

-JOE: Are we there? -LOIS: We're here. Finally.

Whoo!

LOIS: Get out. We're here, babe.

It's not stupid. It's gonna be fun.

Out.

JOE: Hey, you didn't have to do that.

-Let's go get in the dirt. -It's my pleasure.

Josette, watch out for the dog shit. Stay away from the dog poop.

♪ Gettin' out of Downey ♪

-♪ Take me out of Downey ♪ -♪ I'm gonna get you out of Downey ♪

♪ Take me out of Downey ♪

-♪ I'm gonna get you out of Downey ♪

-Wait. Show me how you do it. -♪ Gettin' out of Downey ♪

♪ I'm gonna get you out of Downey ♪

-BILL: Come on. -LOIS: Josette.

-Come on, we're two innings in. You're winning. -Oh, big girlie.

You're such a wild thing.

Such a wild girl.

-WOMAN #1: Why do you even want to go down this hill? -WOMAN #2: Mountain bikes, Nancy.

When you slide, just keep your feet to the side.

For God's sakes. Jesus.

-You okay? -Fine.

-There's something in my eye. -Hi.

-How's the car? -It's fine.

-You all right? -Yeah.

-I agree. -Hey, really funny.

-All right. -BILL: You have a nice afternoon.

-Joe! -Joe, come on.

Leave those girls alone.

Just like his dad. Totally out of control.

How'd you like a little of that stickin' on your drop chute?

Ten bucks says they're waiting for us.

-Let's go. -All right.

All right.

Honey. Honey.

-HONEY: Okay. -Okay? Be back in five.

-Could you hand me a beer? -Yeah.

-HONEY: Where are you going? -What? We're gonna go, uh – Discretion around the little ones.

LOIS: "When are we gonna eat?" I can't hear you.

-Here, sweetie. -Thanks.

LOIS: We're gonna eat now. What do you wanna eat?

Ow! Don't hit me. Very good.

-Come on, Josette. You wanna eat? -What do you want?

We have baloney. We have Swiss cheese.

We have peanut butter and jelly. We have ham.

-What? -What do you want, baloney?

-Baloney sandwich? -Okay.

Here, eat these. You need to eat something to keep going.

Eating's a good thing at a time like this.

-Thank you. -I hope you like my muffins.

-Mr. Bitkower. -Yes, Mrs. Finnigan, what can I get you?

I'd like to see the cake.

You can't.

I threw it away.

-Here we are. -Here we are. Let's go, Chad.

Don't forget these, bud.

Okay.

-Thanks. -See you.

-Bye, Gene. -Wally, Wally. Bye, Wally.

-Bye, Wally. -See you.

-Oh, home, sweet home. -Really.

MAN : Now to seal it off.

First order of business, put all this oil back where it came from.

Aubrey Bell? Mommy, who's Aubrey Bell?

Captain Planet's doing it! He's sucking the oil back!

Go, Planet!

BOTH: ♪ The fourth of July ♪

♪ Before the fourth of July ♪

♪ Fourth of July ♪♪ BILL: Come on.

-They're on bikes, Bill. -Come on, come on.

-They gotta cut through here. -WOMAN #2: Let's go in here.

I don't wanna run all over these mountains for a couple of cockteasers.

Oh, I don't think this goes all the way.

Looks like we're stopping here.

Those guys are following us.

Okay, let me – I'll warm them up. And then you just come in.

I'll get one of them to go there, man.

Hey. How are you?

Okay.

Wait, I-I – I know you.

From, uh – No, I'm sure I do. From that photo shoot.

-When I did your makeup. -I don't know what you're talking about.

The maquillage for the photo shoot. I'm a makeup artist.

I thought that you were someone I'd done for a shoot.

-That funny? -Sorry.

Are you guys actresses or models?

We're not either. I'm – We're not either one.

You're not? I just mean, just 'cause you have the looks for it. You could be.

If, you know, if you wanted to.

Well, if it happened, that would be okay. If it doesn't, that's okay too.

But, hey, I mean, sometimes I do some talent scout stuff too and – I mean, if you ever want to. I'm Bill. This is Jerry.

You want a beer?

No, thanks. You want –

-No, that's okay. -So, have you done any movie stars?

Uh, yeah – Yes, ma'am.

Really? Who was the biggest movie star you've done?

What was that last one I did? What was that big one I did last time?

-I think it was Roseanne Barr.

-She's big. -She's huge.

-You're lying. I can tell you're lying. -Yeah, that didn't work.

-What's your name? -I'm Barbara. That's Nancy.

Hi.

-So, you married? -No.

Uh, we were.

Very unfortunate, what happened.

Uh, I'll have one of those beers.

Hey, you know what's a hundred yards away? You know the Bat Caves?

You ever watch Batman? Remember the series Batman?

-Yeah. -Well, the Bat Caves where they shot it – Let me show you this cave. Here's your beer.

Let me take Barbara away from you for one second.

Come here. It'll just take a second. Don't worry about it.

-Okay, I'll just have one beer. -All right, one.

Come here. Don't worry about it.

-BARBARA: Where you guys live? -Malibu. -Come back.

-That's on the beach, right? -Yep, it's on the beach.

Can I have a beer? Thanks.

Oh, Jesus. Excuse me.

No, it's one of the streets that goes up.

-Oh. -Come here. It's right down here.

-Do you mind? -BILL: We had a place up there for a while.

Now, after we split up with our wives, you know –

-Oh, you lived with your wives? -Well, yeah.

So now we got this place.

We got this fish tank thing, like a fish tank.

NANCY: Hey, stop that! Don't – Leave me –

-What are you doing? Leave me alone! -What the fuck is he doing? Jerry!

-Jerry!

-Jerry!

-Fuck! -Whoa!

Earthquake. Earthquake, you fucking nut!

Ah, fuck.

All right, Josette. Come here. Come here.

-Jerry!

-Okay, look. Look here.

What's happening, Howard? Howard?

We have to get under a table.

Gene, earthquake! Get under the doorway!

-Quick! -Underneath the door!

This is Officer Gene Shepard of the Los Angeles Police Department.

We are currently experiencing an earthquake.

♪ On Broadway I danced ♪

♪ For that senator ♪

♪ They know me in London ♪

♪ They know me in Paris ♪ MARIAN: Ralph!

CLAIRE: Jesus. This is bigger than the one in '71.

Don't worry. Don't worry. It's not the big one.

Earthquake! Mommy, get over here, quick!

Just lay down, Mommy. Just lay down.

Whoa! I lost my umbrella.

Here we go, baby.

In the doorway.

If you are close in proximity to any power lines, please move quickly away.

Falling power lines can result in electrocution. There is a possibility of – This is it, baby. We're going out together.

This is the big one, baby.

-It wasn't the big one. -No.

You're such a big, brave boy.

-Where the fuck are they? Jerry! -Jesus Christ.

All right. It's okay.

MARIAN: Well, we should probably eat, is what we should do.

STUART: Yeah, what happened to that big meal we were supposed to have?

We should probably have a whole bunch of eggs or something.

CLAIRE: We should turn on the TV and see what the damage is.

♪♪

We're beginning to receive reports now

-on that 7.4-magnitude earthquake – -RALPH: Dunphy's on.

-we experienced earlier this morning. -Dunphy will tell us the truth.

-STUART: Around Joshua Tree, huh? -A house on fire in Baldwin Hills.

-MARIAN: Seven-point-four. That's big. -STUART: Well, that's pretty big.

You know, that's really not that bad. Eight is bad. That's not as bad as an eight.

-Obviously it's not as bad as an eight. -Well, no. But I mean – CLAIRE: When you come from California, you don't worry about that stuff.

At least 15 people have been injured and we're told one person died.

-One person killed. -MARIAN: One fatality, yeah.

You know, that's really not bad, one person.

STUART: Wait, here he's talking to – Look at this.

-Stormy was in the air when the quake happened. -Here's a helicopter pilot.

Tell us exactly what you saw.

RALPH: You think that's his real name, Stormy Weathers?

-MARIAN: God, I hope not. -It all looked pretty normal to me. -RALPH: Where'd they get this guy?

-STUART: Ralph, you have any bourbon? -What about some tequila?

-CLAIRE: Yeah, I'd have a tequila. -As I was landing I was remarking to myself –

-STUART: That stuff gives you a headache, Claire. -what a beautiful sight LA is.

-Where's those lemons I brought home? -MARIAN: I don't know. Maybe by the bar.

STORMY : Every Angeleno says to himself or herself just how lucky he or she is to be living in LA.

-STUART: I'll have some too. -I hope nothing happened to your house.

DUNPHY: Nowhere is the latest news on the earthquake.

There is one fatality. This has been confirmed now.

A young woman in Griffith Park was killed by falling rocks, apparently while hiking.

-We're not sure if the death was earthquake-related. -Here's to lemonade.

We're told that 60 people have been treated at area hospitals.

♪ If you're looking for a rainbow ♪

♪ You know there's gonna be some rain ♪

♪ One minute you're filled with happiness ♪

♪ And the next minute there's nothing but pain ♪

-♪ If you're a prisoner ♪ -MARIAN: Let's have another one.

-♪ And I'm a prisoner ♪ -RALPH: And then back in the tub!

♪ I'm a prisoner of life ♪

♪ One day your man is here ♪

♪ And the next day he's walked out and gone ♪

♪ But no matter what happens ♪

♪ You gotta somehow carry on ♪

♪ When you're a prisoner ♪

♪ And I'm a prisoner ♪

♪ I'm a prisoner of life ♪

♪ Life's good ♪

♪ It's bad ♪

♪ It's in between ♪

♪ But it's the unexpected and the uncertainty that keeps us going ♪

♪ You know what I mean ♪

♪ Oh, one day you own the world ♪

♪ And the next day the world owns you ♪

♪ One day everything's a lie ♪

♪ And the next day you swear it's all true ♪

♪ When you're a prisoner ♪

♪ And I'm a prisoner ♪

♪ I'm a prisoner of ♪♪

♪♪

♪ Woke up this morning ♪

♪ Wanted to cry ♪

♪ Then I remembered ♪

♪ Yes, I knew why ♪

♪ He's a real good one for havin' his cake ♪

♪ I'm gonna go fishing or jump in the lake ♪

♪ I'm gonna go fishing ♪

♪ That's what I'll do ♪

♪ Think about nothing ♪

♪ Not even you ♪

♪ Catch me a big one a big speckled trout ♪

♪ Snap him in the water I'll pull him on out ♪

♪ Sweet-talkin' liar ♪

♪ Spin me a yarn ♪

♪ Tell me a story ♪

♪ Big as a barn ♪

♪ You wanna stop and listen I won't hear you out ♪

♪ I'm gonna go fishing and catch me a trout ♪

♪ A man is a liar ♪

♪ A man is a fool ♪

♪ Playing for keepers ♪

♪ And breaking the rules ♪

♪ He'll be the loser You'll see, you'll find out ♪

♪ I'm gonna go fishing and catch me a trout ♪

♪ Down in the water ♪

♪ Look at him shine ♪

♪ There goes a big one ♪

♪ That one is mine ♪

♪ Catches are real now I've got the feel now ♪

♪ I'll snap with a fine fly rod I'll catch me a trout ♪

♪ Sweet-talking liar ♪

♪ You're in for a fall ♪

♪ You tell me a story ♪

♪ You talk to the wall ♪

♪ Gonna go my way on down the highway ♪

♪ I'm gonna go fishin' and catch me a trout ♪

♪ Catch me a trout ♪

♪ Catch me a trout ♪

♪ Catch me a trout ♪♪

WOMAN: On drums, Bobby Previte.

On bass, Greg Cohen.

And on piano, Terry Adams.

On the vibes, Gene Estes.

And on trombone, Bruce Fowler.

That's it. Good night! Yeah!