Show Dogs (2018) Script

[man scatting]

[pigeon] Follow me. We're almost there. [pigeon 2] Where are we going?

To help Max with his stakeout. Yes!

Ooh! This is incredible.

Are you sure it's going down at the docks?

Oh, yeah.

The coolest things always go down at the docks. Ohh!

And occasionally abandoned warehouses. [gasps]

And this place has both.

[gasps] Are you sure it hasn't started yet?

I do not want to miss a thing.

There he is. Ooh!

Max. NYPD.

The toughest cop on the force.

Oh, not tonight, guys.

Ooh, he's alone.

You bet he's alone, Midge.

He always works alone.

Hey, guys... [groans] My bad.

Sorry I'm late. What did I miss? Shh, shh, shh.

[Midge] Max is on a stakeout.

His badge is on the line. What? My badge is not on the line.

You want us to watch your six, Maxi?

No. Do you even know what "six" means?

Yeah, it's how many fingers I have.

Ohh! Can you make him stop?

Quiet. Do you hear that?

[Max gasps] Bad-guy boat.

Pigeon PD, assume undercover identities.

[clucking] [gasping]

[purring]

S-Sorry. What is happening?

Come to papa.

If you need backup, Max, the Pigeon PD is ready for action.

[screams]

I don't need backup.

I'm taking these smugglers down.

Solo.

[gibbering]

[whispering] It's starting.

[Midge] Finally.

Yo, Samson, check the dock.

[barks]

[barking]

Mastiff.

I knew I smelled bad attitude.

[whimpering]

Shh! [cell phone ringing]

[man] We've got Ling Li. Come on in.

[Max] Ling Li, shh.

My name is Max, and I promise you, me and the NYPD are gonna get you home safe to your mama.

You're going to be okay.

I promise you that.

[woman on radio] Suspected buyers on the move. Hold your positions.

[squealing]

[man] Get back in the vehicle.

The money's all here, guv'nor.

Wet-Nap? [sniffing]

Lavender scented?

[whimpering]

It's go time.

Time to play dead, cop.

I don't know that trick.

Let me teach you!

Hope you can doggy paddle.

[groans]

Oh! And the judges say?

6.0. Ohh!

He can flip this bird any day.

What is Max doing? He's just supposed to be on lookout.

Freeze! Get your hands where I can see them! Not on my watch.

Ooh, ooh, ooh! [yells]

[gasping]

I'm the good guy, you idiot.

[screams]

[woman on radio] Do not endanger the panda.

Repeat. Do not endanger the panda.

[grunts]

[spits] Fake beard?

NYPD.

This is an FBI operation.

FBI? I think I would have gotten a memo about that.

Heading eastbound on foot. Stand down.

This is my bust. We're blown.

[man on radio] What happened? Some rogue police dog.

Yeah, I'm pretending to know what's going on right now.

Okay, so Max, the cop, he pulled off the beard of the FBI agent, but, oh, you know, that is not good.

[upbeat pop intro]

[woman] ♪ Uh ♪

[growling] Oh, no, no.

Nice doggy. No.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Dang feds.

Someone ought to put a leash on you. Oh, yeah?

Well, let's see 'em try.

[whistles] ♪ Baby, maybe you can get it ♪

♪ If you've got that thing I like ♪

[Max] You runnin' like a wiener dog.

Ha ha! Yes!

[groans]

[Max laughs] You just been recycled.

I'm gonna neuter that mongrel.

2-8-7. I need a car.

I need a... [yells] [crash]

♪ Give it to me ♪

Yes, I won. Oh, no.

Ow!

Yeah, what's the matter, buddy?

Dogs can't jump fences? Boo-yah!

You play defense.

[chuckles]

I play open fence.

You gotta be kidding me.

[growling]

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Um, good doggy, good doggy.

Oh, I'm good, all right. Good at taking a bite out of crime.

You and I should have a little talk. My name's Petey.

What's your name? Who let the dogs out? Where's that panda?

Literally, who let them out?

This fool again?

Whoa.

[grunts] Hey!

Freeze! FBI!

Okay, all right. No, no, no. Take it easy.

Spin around.

Here we go. All right.

All right, take it easy, Magnum PI.

I'm gonna take it easy.

This fed's been a pain in my butt all night.

Time for a little hair of the dog.

[screams]

[man speaking foreign language]

This is a huge... Where is our panda? Where is our panda?

And I might have rabies, so thank you, NYPD.

We're sorry, agent. It's not like Max to attack a fellow officer.

That dog has anger issues. Look at his eyes.

He needs therapy.

Dog therapy?

I don't know.

I'm not an expert in canine mental disorders. I'm an FBI agent.

This dude is just asking to be my next chew toy.

This panda sting was an FBI investigation.

What was that dog doing there?

Max is part of our team.

Your team should have been doing their job, not interfering with our investigation.

[howling] Hey, calm down, Sarge.

Hoooow'd you let this happen?

You know that wasn't my fault.

That panda needs to be back at the zoo with her mother.

She's only eight weeks old.

[howling] ...of a 12... of a 12...

I know-ow-ow.

Wait a second. Now you got me doing it.

Why are there dogs in this meeting?

They are some of New York's finest.

What is happening in this town?

Contraband entering New York ports comes under NYPD jurisdiction.

Ling Li is not mere contraband.

Her kidnapping from China and transportation to this country is an international crime.

I hope you have better luck solving this international crime than you had with the others.

Didn't you feds somehow blow a sting operation involving a pygmy three-toed sloth in Panama?

And what about the Bengal tiger who was kidnapped just last week in Singapore?

Oh, and don't forget the albino python.

I'll have you know that that sloth was very fleet of foot.

For a sloth.

We're done here.

It was a very fast sloth.

Sarge, you just gonna roll over and let the FBI take our case?

Oh, that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

In this business you gotta know your place sometimes.

Oh, thank you, Chief.

Oh, okay. Well, enjoy. [Sarge panting]

But somebody's gotta do something.

Be right there, Maxi. A little to the left.

A little to the left. Bingo!

[phones ringing]

[Doberman] Hey, hey, Max. How you doing?

What's up, Rico? Bob. [Bob] Yo, big dog.

Hey, Sparky.

[panting] Hey, Max.

Where'd they put my suspect?

[stammering] Interrogation room 2, huh.

You and I got a big problem. Do you know this song?

It's called... ♪ You got nothing on me You got nothing on... ♪ Really? Yeah, man.

'Cause I'm pretty sure I saw you with a stolen panda.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.

Who's to say it was a stolen panda? Come again?

I'm just saying that in my experience, illegal pandas look a lot like legal pandas.

You get them mixed up. Okay, smart guy.

So if the panda wasn't hot, how come you were running?

Well, because there was a vicious dog chasing me. Next question.

[agent] How about you and I have a respectful conversation?

[Max grunts] This is painful. How about we order in some lunch?

Huh? Is this an interrogation or a first date?

Fine. You want to see bad cop, I'll show you bad cop.

Well, I... Listen, a hint.

Good cop, bad cop works a lot better with two people.

What are you, the spinny Lego head guy?

[deep voice] What do you know about it?

Oh. All right, look.

Oh! This is ludicrous.

This moron is getting played. Here comes bad cop.

Sparky? Ahh!

Get the lights. You got it, Max.

...cheese-flavored nacho till you tell me where that panda is! [barking]

No, no, no, no, no. Don't hurt me.

Don't hurt me. All right.

[growling] Now we're getting somewhere.

Who are you working for and what's the location of the panda?

[Sarge] He's shaking in his boots, Max. I got no names, no nothing.

But I did overhear something about a show.

Show him some teeth. What show?

[stammering] A dog show.

A dog show. Dog show?

They said if the deal goes south, they're gonna try and sell the panda.

It's working! [barking]

The Canini Invitational.

Keep it coming.

It's in Vegas. At Caesars, tomorrow night. That is all I know.

All right. [clears throat]

And scene.

Good work, agent. What?

Thanks, Chief. It makes sense.

The Canini Invitational is the world's most prestigious dog show.

Celebrities, tech titans, huh? Chinese billionaires.

Plenty of people with the cash to stock their own private zoos.

So they're using the dog show as a front for animal smuggling.

All right. Well, get me on the next flight to Vegas.

I'll take care of the rest. Whoa.

You can't let this idiot take my case.

They should send me. Tell 'em, Sarge.

I'm on it, Max. [howls]

You know what? I'm gonna need a new identity though if I wanna get access to that show. Who needs some "wuv" there?

Oh, yeah. Sorry, Max.

[panting] I tried.

[FBI director] What if you were a contestant?

A contestant? Oh, yeah, baby.

[FBI director] Yeah. What are you thinking, Max?

Watch this. The chief is about to have a great idea.

With a dog?

Wait. I just had a great idea.

You could enter Max in the show.

What about droopy over here?

No, no, sorry. The sergeant...

Are you nuts, Max?

You're a street dog with a temper.

What do you know about dog shows?

I made a promise to a scared little panda, and I aim to keep it.

Who knows where this dog's gonna bite me next?

[FBI director] Deal with it. Besides, how hard can dog shows be?

I'll just google it.

[rock and roll intro]

[man] ♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ How I wish that ♪

♪ There were more than ♪

♪ Twenty-four hours in the day ♪

♪ And even if there were 40 more ♪

♪ I wouldn't sleep a minute ♪ ♪ I give props to hip-hop So hip-hop hooray ♪

♪ Ho ♪ ♪ Viva Las Vegas ♪

♪ Hey, ho ♪ Are you doing this on purpose?

After five hours in a travel crate, we're listening to my music.

Will you stop? Max, stop it.

That... No, no. [station changing]

♪ Ho ♪ ♪ Viva ♪

[barking]

What kind of dog likes hip-hop?

♪ I give props to hip-hop ♪ Boy, this guy really doesn't like hip-hop.

Look, clearly we got off on the wrong foot, okay?

I-I-I... We should be friends.

We should be best friends.

You're a dog. I'm a man.

Here.

Go on. Go fetch.

Fetch? Fetch?

You gotta learn something about me, okay?

I don't play the dog-and-master bull.

What...

You want a best friend, get a labradoodle.

'Cause I ain't interested.

Where are you going? I'm sorry.

But I got real police work to do. [sighs]

Bad dog.

Heel.

Heel yourself, chump.

Stupid human.

Stupid dog.

[dogs barking]

[female announcer] Welcome, Canini competitors.

The opening night gala begins poolside at 7:30.

Dress to impress.

Late entry registration is available... Agent Nichols.

FBI.

[woman] Come on in.

Hey. Hi.

I'm Mattie Smith. Oh, wow.

You're the Bureau's canine consultant?

[scoffs] I-I was expecting more of a cat lady type, you know.

Oh, sorry to disappoint.

No, I... [chuckles]

Don't...

[sighs]

No dog smell, huh?

I mean, no, it's-it's impressive, you know, with the fluffing and the folding and...

So did you wanna just bring him in?

Him? The dog. The rottweiler.

Am I not speaking English?

Am I barking or something? Oh!

Yeah, no, um...

Yeah, the thing is with that, he, um... kind of ran off.

He ran off?

Is he lost? Is he okay? No, he's not like...

Not like that. He's dysfunctional, all right.

Anyway, I was kind of hoping that maybe you have, like, an extra dog that I could borrow or...

Oh, uh, I misunderstood. So you actually came here...

You wanna borrow a dog? That'd be great.

Yeah, that'd be great. Did you want that fluffed or folded?

'Cause I have both in the back.

Right. Look, it would just be for a couple of days.

Maybe you could point me towards sort of, like, a rent-a-dog service?

Look, Agent Nichols, I really just don't think you're cut out for working with animals, so there's the door.

Look, I'm really in a bind here. Good luck on your case.

Thank you for your time. Good luck.

Rent-a-dog? Nope.

What's happening, Luther? Hey, Max.

Hey.

So, hey.

H-Hey, Max. Hey, hey.

You find me the guy? Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Like I said. First, I, uh...

I'll take that catnip you promised.

[chuckles] Cell 614.

He's the real deal, Max. He told me hisself.

But the dude is a wash-up. He's useless.

Hey, this ain't catnip.

[toy squealing]

Nah, it's better for you. Now, get out of here.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

It's showtime.

[Max howls]

[whimpering]

Hey, buddy.

[whimpering continues] Hey.

Aw, look.

That paw looks hurt pretty bad.

We'll take good care of you.

Come on, buddy.

[whimpering]

All right, there you go, boy.

Now, look, you just rest up, and we'll get that paw looked at first thing in the morning, all right?

And hopefully we'll find you a new home.

[whimpering stops]

[dog singing in French]

[singing continues] Yo.

I'm looking for a famous show dog. You Philippe de Fabulous?

[French accent] Who do I have the pleasure of smelling?

Max. NYPD.

I'm entering the Canini Invitational, and I need an expert like you to teach me the ropes.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Look into my eyes.

Okay.

Nope.

You do not have what it takes.

Sorry. What?

Cut the attitude.

I know all about you.

Champion show dog at the top of your game until one day you...

Got disqualified, because my breeder used plumpers and fillers on my growl lines.

Yeah, and then you went... Crazy and attacked the judges. Hmm?

And now, I suppose you think you can manipulate me into helping you in a desperate bid for revenge and redemption.

Oh, actually, I was just...

You are as cunning as you are persuasive, Maxwell.

Perhaps you have what it takes after all.

I shall turn you into the show dog.

You made the right choice, gramps.

We shall see.

I cannot polish the turd, but perhaps we can roll it in glitter. [laughs]

I'm-a let that slide.

All right, coach, so what's our first move?

[Philippe] The opening night party, of course.

[male announcer] Welcome to the Canini Invitational opening night gala.

Through these portals pass the most elite canines in the world.

Here we meet, greet, and size up the competition.

Yeah, okay, you do that.

I'll be nosing around for anything suspicious.

Well, of course, nobody makes talking dog movies anymore, so I've been focusing on my lifestyle brands.

It's right there. Wellington Upstill. Your name is on the list, but it says you have a rottweiler.

So? There ain't no dog, no party.

[Frank] What? Hey! [whistles]

Max! Max! Buddy. Oh!

Max. That's... That's my dog. Right there. Hey.

Something you haven't told me? Look, it's me!

Uh, yeah. I'm an undercover cop.

And Hooch over there is the idiot human they stuck me with.

Hey, rottweiler. Is this guy with you?

Hey, why don't you use that leash on your dog?

Okay, thank you for the advice.

What is your deal, man?

Where'd you disappear to? You're jeopardizing my case.

Just ignore him. Wait, you got a dog?

Do dogs have their own dogs? Is that a thing?

[Mattie] It's all gonna be about Daisy this year.

[man] Hey, Mattie. Go, Daisy.

You got it?

[Mattie] Hey, great shoes.

[shutter clicking]

[shutter clicking]

By the way, Hooch was the dog.

The what now?

Turner and Hooch.

Turner was the cop and Hooch was the dog.

Poor Beasley.

After playing Hooch, he was forever typecast as a slobbering imbecile.

Oh, my God, you're... you're...

Back from the dead, yes.

Philippe! [laughs]

I'm your biggest fan.

Oh, well... And you are?

My name is Buncha Rainbow Sprinkles Junior III, but everyone calls me Sprinkles for short.

[gasps] Oh, my God.

Who's your friend with the amazing aroma?

Excuse me. I gotta check something out.

It's like a kennel mixed with grease mixed with pizza.

Oh! I figured it out.

You're from New York, aren't you? Hey.

Me too. Oh, man!

Dang. We are homeys.

Wellington Upstill.

Big game hunting mostly, although, lately I've become weary of the hunt.

Looking for someone to do the hunt for me. You know what I mean?

Small exotic bears from the Middle Kingdom?

Pretty black and white, if you catch my drift.

Suspicious? Heck, ya!

Someone raided the minibar last night and I swear it wasn't me.

Philippe, is that you?

Mon Dieu, Daisy. You look ravishing.

There were two doggy chocolates on my pillow instead of three.

Yo. ...the circuit for five years.

Oh. This is my student, Maxwell.

Hey. Maxwell, huh?

I don't think I've seen you before.

Are you new to dog shows?

Are you kidding?

I mean, I been around the block, you know, and not on a leash, if you catch my drift.

I mean, if you were comparing me with the other dogs, I wouldn't come up lacking, let's just say that.

[laughs] Hey.

Okay.

That's an impressive résumé. [clears throat]

Good luck, Philippe. I'm really glad you're back.

Wow.

She's gorgeous. I bet she cleans up at this thing.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Canini Invitational's reigning Best in Show winners, Chauncey Middleton and Dante.

Hello, hello. [Max] Who's that?

That is, uh...

Oh, that's Dante. He's really cool.

He's won every show since... basically since Philippe went crazy.

Oh, man, that was hilarious. [laughs]

Y-You know, Shouldn't you be locked up?

Thank you.

Is that my little Philippe?

You traitor!

Ouch. Get off, you mutt.

That is so Philippe.

[clears throat] [barking]

Hey, grandpa, you do not bite my person.

Your person stole my dreams and ruined my life.

You abandoned me!

You abandoned me. Come, Dante.

This dog is in desperate need of some training.

Or better yet to be "put to sleep."

What did you say to him?

[laughs]

Let it go.

This competition is of no consequence in the grand scheme of existence.

"You only lose what you cling to." Aristotle.

Deep. Hey, why does that dog need a bodyguard?

Karma is worth more than a million dollars.

There have been disappearances in the past.

Hmm?

Maybe it's not only the panda they're after.

I'm just looking for a panda. I need a panda.

Gosh, is it hot in here or is it me?

Is it hot? Are you hot? I'm hot.

A lot more where that came from. Not a lot, I mean, but some.

You seem untrustworthy.

Do you have any idea where I might find something in a bear, Chinese?

The cure for cancer lies within them.

Oh. [chuckles] Good.

Just got in a new shipment of unmarked bills.

You sound like you know the true value of... rare animals, Mr. Upstill, is it?

Yes, well, like I always say, if you can't kill and mount it, might as well collect and breed it.

Yes, yes.

Would you like to come to a little party tomorrow night?

It's in a warehouse on the outskirts of town.

I think you'll find exactly what you are looking for.

Toodles.

I have a phone call to make.

[cell phone ringing]

[snoring]

Hello?

Tomorrow night, is it?

Good.

Well, now you've got me panda-sitting in a damp warehouse.

I mean, we are in Vegas, and I was hoping that we could be doing...

Guv'nor?

Guv'nor?

[scoffs]

Oi, fluffy.

You and me are expecting some company at the party tomorrow night.

Some posh buyers are coming over to take a look at the fancy merchandise.

[cackles]

Meanwhile, I'm stuck here eating cold pizza while the boss is hobnobbing at the bleeding Caesars' pool.

[Frank] There you are.

You missed it. I did some pretty good police work over there, so...

Well, good. I see you found your dog. That's something.

Hi. How's it going? Hi.

Yeah, well, you know, I am an FBI agent, so...

Is that papillon with you? Enchanté.

Did you borrow it or something?

No, no, no. He just kind of came with Max. I don't...

Okay, well, if I'm not mistaken, that dog is a three-time world champion.

[barks] [Frank] That dog?

You don't know anything about that dog?

No. What do I know from dogs?

Okay, look, they told me about this whole situation with the stolen baby panda, and I don't know why they'd be trying to sell her here, but I am happy to help.

Great. Thank you.

But if we're gonna pull this off, you need to follow everything I say.

Okay. I'm kind of the lead agent on this...

I'm sorry, are you arguing with me already?

If you wanna look like a real dog handler, you have to follow everything I say.

Okay.

Tomorrow morning.

Don't be late.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

This is weird.

Yes. You about to get trained, boy.

[door opens]

Huh.

Can you believe all this luxury and excess just because of a stupid dog show?

Isn't this wonderful?

The beautiful view, the Snausage and cheese platter, the toilette filled with champagne.

[toilet flushing] Maybe not champagne.

No, no, no, no.

I don't do animals on the bed. Come on, get out.

Were you always wearing that robe?

[sighs]

What are you doing?

I am a dog.

He is human.

This is what nature intended.

Not for me.

Are you sure you will not join us?

Plenty of room for trois.

No, thanks. I'm fine on the floor.

Always have been and always will be.

[sighing] Oh.

[announcer] Welcome to the Canini Invitational, where we celebrate these noble creatures.

Only the top 50 dogs in the world are invited to compete in the Canini... making it the world's most exclusive canine competition.

And only one will leave this weekend as the Canini Invitational's Best in Show!

Number one!

Yeah, that's right.

Bow to the king.

Did you hear that Misty got fixed last week?

Rubber baby buggy bumpers. Rubber baby buggy bumpers.

Wait. Butt implants?

Golden retriever? Not a real golden.

Turns out he wasn't neutered after all.

Toy boat. Stay focused, Janice.

Stay focused, Janice.

Are you sure we in the right place?

[Philippe] Pourquoi?

'Cause seeing all these clowns, I could have swore we were backstage at a Cirque du Soleil.

With those jokes, you will not make many friends.

Excuse me.

I'm not here to make friends.

I'm here to find enemies, okay?

I got 72 hours to make good on a promise I made.

Welcome to the Canini, Mr. Upstill. Come on, guys.

So how does this work? There are three rounds.

In the first, the dogs compete against their own breed.

Then, in round two, all the Best of Breed winners compete against each other for Best of Group.

[Frank] So what group is he? Working.

But he's not going to win in any group because he's bow-legged, roach-backed, and he smells like he hasn't been washed in months.

[scoffs] She says that like it's a bad thing.

Only if you want to win.

Oh, hi, Philippe. Uh, Max.

Wait, Mattie's your owner?

No, no. She's my handler.

Though since we're on the road 40 weeks a year together, she feels like my big sister.

But most important is the relationship between handler and dog.

Is he your handler? No. More of an assistant.

[clicks] Ow. Ow.

[chuckles] Make that a rescue.

So where do we start?

Square one.

[men] ♪ Big girls don't cry ♪ Whoa.

[snickering]

Watch it, French fry.

[grunting]

Yeah, okay. [Frank] Open.

[growling]

He got you, huh? Yeah, he got me.

Scrub it in there. Good.

I got this, yeah. Keep coming.

I'm gonna get you clean yet. Three, two...

[bubbling]

You waited for me to get back here for that, didn't you? [laughs]

Ooh. My eyes, they burn.

Gotta say, can't improve on perfection.

What's that?

It's, uh, bikini wax.

When the judges look under the tail, it's important they have a clean view.

Well, in that case, allow me.

Hey, what's that? Oh.

It looks kind of sticky. Um...

[Philippe] Uh-oh. It's payback time.

Hey, wait. What's he doing back there?

The pain passes... Philippe! but the beauty, she remains.

Wait. What?

[high-pitched screaming]

[screaming continues]

Sorry, pal. [chuckles]

Although you are ready for beach season.

Uh-huh. Laugh it up, Frank, but you best sleep with one eye open tonight.

All right, Philippe, let's show them how it's done.

Get your books, Maxwell. You are about to go to school.

When you're in competition, it's all about details. Going the extra mile.

Oui. You do not win by blending in.

You win by being the star.

Max and Frank, you wanna try?

[Frank] All right.

[clears throat]

Okay, so you don't wanna mount the dog.

I'm not gonna mount the dog. I'm gonna put the thing on.

Okay, be careful. I got it.

You and your dog have to be in sync at all times.

[scoffs] Not in this lifetime.

[Mattie] Trust each other and move as one. All right.

Hey, hey, hey, Max, hold up.

Hold up. Just be cool.

Ugh. Whoever bred you needs to have their license revoked.

What's that, Dante? I know you ain't talking about my mom and dad.

Hey, everyone. Max thinks his mom and dad are breeders.

Okay, that's it.

[barking] Max.

Heel. Heel. You want me to heel?

Fine, I'll show you heel. Max, quit goofing around.

Hey, let go. Let go. Whoa!

[crowd murmuring, laughing]

Down! Stand down, Officer. Officer, stand down.

[growling]

...main stage, please. Rottweilers...

Uh-oh.

This is gonna be hilarious.

Thank you. [laughing]

[Frank] This is how we play. Yeah.

Cameras, focus on the new guy. It's gonna be a top ten.

Thank you.

Corgis. Congratulations, ma'am.

Rottweilers, up this way, please.

Miss Smith, thank you so much for joining us. Hi, Larry. Thanks.

New guy. Mr., uh...

Upstill. You've been put down here where it's safe.

Yeah, sorry about before. We were just trying a new trick.

Come on, Philippe. [sighs]

Cassius is a five-time world champion.

I'm not saying that to scare you or anything. Guys, good luck, okay?

Do you hear that? Five-time champion.

If we get knocked out, we'll lose our access and maybe never find Ling Li.

Hey, man. Can somebody please tell me why they all look the same?

[Philippe] Most likely because they are all from the same champion bloodline.

Really?

Like one big family?

Yes, in a sense, I suppose. Yes.

Hmm. Very good. Mr. Upstill.

Mr. Upstill.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the arena that noble breed, those fearless loyal protectors the rottweilers.

[cheering]

[host] Returning champion Cassius is clearly the top dog in this category.

But Hans made a strong showing last year and is looking to take the crown this time around.

All eyes are on the judge as he calls up the first contestant, veteran competitor Sadie, to begin the examination.

Huh.

Hey. Hey.

You guys notice anything unusual going on?

Hans had some work done... again, but there's nothing unusual about that.

I noticed how unusually hot Daisy looks this year.

[barks] I smell a playdate.

Daisy don't go rotty, and she certainly don't go for losers.

Has anyone ever told you guys that you have a real resemblance?

You guys aren't related, are you?

Course not. I'm from Tennessee.

And I'm from Chicago.

Originally?

Well, no. Originally I was adopted.

Hey, same. Me too. You don't say. From where?

Hopkinsville, Kentucky. Hopkinsville, Kentucky.

Hey, I'm from Hopkinsville too.

Me too, before I moved to Deutschland.

Well, when are your birthdays? April 19.

[together] April 19.

That means you're...

[all gasp] Brothers!

I once had a litter in Hopkinsville.

Oh, my God. Could it be?

[all] Mama!

My puppies!

What did I miss? [rottweilers exclaiming]

[host] Clearly a disqualifiable offense.

Let's see what the judges decide.

You're number one.

Oh, yeah.

[announcer] And newcomer Max wins. What?

Whoo-hoo! Max! That's my best friend.

Number one. [announcer] This is unprecedented in Canini Invitational history as the entire field forfeits.

Okay, that was incredible. How did he do that?

Max? I was the one holding the leash.

[Mattie] Yeah, but... Max, that was very unsportsmanlike.

Tell that to Ling Li.

Besides, it was a good thing I did out there today.

Warms my heart to see that family reunited.

Huh. You're different than other show dogs, aren't you?

I'm a mutt of many mysteries.

Right-hand drive? Straight from London, baby.

This is so exciting. My first stakeout.

This don't smell right.

What kind of party is in an abandoned warehouse, huh?

A very exclusive one, of course.

[dance pop playing]

[chattering]

[woman] ♪ This is your heart ♪

♪ It's alive ♪ Whoa. Definitely a party.

Oh, I love it.

The glamour, the fashion.

The toilet water.

All right, here's the plan.

I'm gonna see who tries to sell me that panda.

[barking]

Try not to blow my cover. Oh, yeah?

Well, while you're off chasing your tail, I'll be cracking this case.

Why am I talking to dogs?

[camera shutter clicking]

Ooh-ho-ho. I've got you this time.

What is all this talk about the panda?

That is on a need-to-know basis.

Ooh! Silly me.

I forgot I was stuck with a hard-bitten cop who trusts no one.

Oh, there you are.

Thought this was VIP. What, do you know the bouncer?

Wellington Upstill.

Uh, I wanted to introduce you to a client of mine.

This is Señor Gabriel and his dog Karma.

What's up, boy-boy?

Well, that's some dog.

He's my best friend.

The only one who loves me unconditionally.

Well, that's great that you two have that connection.

[speaking Spanish]

I'm sorry, Gabe. Where did you say you were from?

Here and there.

[camera shutter clicking]

Dang, that photographer's slippery.

[gasps] Where did he go? [Sprinkles] Whoo-hoo! Max!

Whoo! Buddy, you were incredible today.

[laughs]

How did you get to be so alpha?

Um, by not caring.

Not caring? Seriously? Hmm?

Now, what do we have here?

Bodyguard. Bodyguard by the door.

I gotta get me in that room.

I need some kind of distraction.

Maxwell, are you listening to me?

Hey, how come there's no dogs in the pool? The night before a competition?

Please. The mats.

The tangles. The pH balance.

That's all I needed to hear.

Maxwell, what are you doing?

I'm getting this party started!

Ahhh! That feels good.

Huh? Outrageous.

Can he do that? Gee, I-I don't know.

Oh, boy. Daisy, isn't that your boy in the swimming pool?

No. You know I don't go for bad boys. Mm-hmm.

Are you crazy?

Do you want us all to be replaced by CGI?

Oh! [Sprinkles] Oh, man.

Well, this event's becoming dreadfully common.

Cowabunga!

Wanna do it? Oh, yeah, sure. You betcha.

[Max] Come on, everybody. [Philippe] This is not Canini. This is chaos.

[dog] It's a pool party!

Yeah! [Max] What are you waiting for, Sprinkles?

Oh, pugs don't float.

Whoo!

Oh! Oh, watch out.

Oh, gosh.

Cannonball!

Hurry, hurry!

[chanting] Party! Party! Party! Party! Party!

Mm-hmm! That is some fine canine.

Get the dog out of the pool! Good. Now to get in that room.

Impressive, but maybe you should save your big splash for the final competition.

Huh. Got any more insider tips you could share?

Maybe. If the price is right.

Let me see what I can do.

Tell you what, meet me outside the hotel after Mattie goes to sleep.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I got some business to take care of.

[men chuckling]

[man] Congratulations, gentlemen.

You will soon be in possession of this year's Best in Show.

Best in Show?

Whoa.

Uh-oh.

Think of something, Max.

[babbling]

Inbreeding. [guffaws]

[cell phone ringing] There's that ringtone.

Oh, I got you now.

[ringing continues] Come on. Come on, come on, come on.

The deal's closed. Three million.

You're gonna love it. It's one of the most beautiful creatures I've ever seen.

Let's see. We got it. I'll be there.

Yeah, got the money. We have spoken at length.

[grunts] Which one of you has my panda?

Bear? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[sputters] Don't worry.

I'll have the panda all prettied up by the time them buyers get here.

What's that?

Ten minutes, is it?

We'll be ready. No problem.

There you are. I quit.

I am finished being your teacher, Maxwell.

You are cynical, overbearing.

You have no friends. You cannot work with partners.

You trust no one. You... You done?

Tell me what is going on!

All right, all right.

I'm working a kidnapping case.

[gasps] A baby panda was stolen from her mother, and the people who did it are somewhere at this party.

Best in Show, eh?

Really? Okay, an extra cage?

Right. Talk later.

Oi, Fluffy.

[snickering] No.

Ling Li, I'm talking to you. Wait there, you little moppet.

Ling Li?

No. No, Fluffy.

No, Fluffy. No, no. Wee!

Fluffy.

Hi.

I shall help you, Maxwell.

Uh, okay. Great.

And I shall help you too.

Maybe it's not the worst idea to get some help.

Yes. Okay, then.

I'm deputizing both of you. Really?

So freaking alpha!

Spread out. You see anything suspicious, report immediately to your CO.

Yes, sir. I accept.

But I get to be the bad cop.

Fluffy!

Fluffy. Fluffy. [Ling Li giggling]

Fluffy?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Get out of my way. Ling Li, where you gone?

Where are you? Ling Li.

Okay, one second.

I need you to guarantee we can deliver Best in Show.

Whose life are you ruining now, Chauncey?

Can we get a selfie with you? Oh, well, if you insist.

Ahh!

[camera shutter clicks] Cute.

Mon Dieu. I look like the crazed ferret. The world can never see.

[woman] Get back here! Ling Li.

I'm on your tail, suspicious dude.

Oh! Sorry, love. Excuse me.

[sniffing]

Whoo! Wow!

Whoa! I didn't know dogs could climb trees.

Let me just... [gasps]

Is this cupcake frosting? It is!

[giggling]

[gasps, groans]

Wee!

[laughs] You gonna lead me straight to that panda, right?

Wait! I'm not done.

Oh, hey, guys.

You investigating frosting too?

You got some behind your ear. I can get that for you if you like.

It'd be my pleasure. [squeals]

[shutter clicks]

[gasping]

[Max] I got you now.

[barking] Ow! Hey!

Get off me. What are you doing?

Whoa! Hi there. Sorry.

I knew I should have left you tied up outside.

Yeah, well, I should have tied you up in New York.

I am so glad you could make it, Mr. Upstill.

Yeah, sorry. We were just, you know...

We were... And then she was...

But, anyway, thank you for, you know...

I'm just really looking forward to getting a private moment that we...

As am I.

Yes, 'cause we can discuss that matter that we wanted to...

Yes, indeed.

The rare animals.

You know, I have researched all of the competitors, and I could not help but notice the supremely striking specimen you possess.

Max?

I am giving you the opportunity to breed your dog with my Old English Whipi-Huahua-Hound.

Your what, now?

Persephone, get out! Come.

[man giggling] Hey.

The only one in the world. Uh-huh.

Isn't she a beauty? Can I get an amen up in here?

Oh, boy. [giggles]

Whoa. Yeah, you cute.

But I have to work with you first, honey.

You definitely gonna have to lose that tail.

What? Okay. And that breath.

You're a toilet drinker, am I right?

Oh, all the time. I mean, I'm completely gross, trust me.

Wait. Hold up. Is that a bald spot?

Yes. Yes, it is. You need some Rogaine, honey.

[chuckles] There you are.

Come on, Poopsie.

Oh, Mama's tired.

Let's go home and have some choco-drops, okay?

[gasps]

[snickering]

Persephones do not date baldies, no fools, no long...

Girl, is it hot in here or is it you?

Oh! I'm not touching that. Check, please.

[laughs] Everything's better with Sprinkles.

Due to the fact that you are too pugly, good-bye.

[gasps] Look, they are bonding already.

Can you imagine how glorious their puppies will be?

P-P-Puppies?

[laughs] I...

[whimpers]

No. No, I don't think so.

What's that? My dog doesn't wanna do it.

[laughs] What do you care what your dog wants?

Well...

I think everyone deserves to choose love for themselves, even if they are a dog.

Huh. What do you know. Will you excuse me?

Persephone, come.

Yes, honey. Sashay away.

We never got a chance to... talk about the...

Crisis averted.

For you and me both.

So you found the panda? No.

I destroyed a terrible photo of myself.

[sighs] Did you learn anything?

Well, I don't know if they're connected, but something's going down involving the Best in Show winner.

[gasps]

I'm gonna see if I can gain some more insight tonight.

[sighs] All right, come on.

Hopefully, for Ling Li's sake, tomorrow's a better day.

[gasps] Whoa!

Hey! Hey!

Come back with my Poopsie!

[barks] [gasps]

Oh, Poopsie, there you are.

Come on, Poopsie.

Terribly sorry I'm late, ladies and gentlemen.

The bidding starts at a mere ten million for this exquisite, cherished and most beautiful creature.

Can I get ten million?

Ten million from the man in the suit.

[snoring]


You look amazing.

Thank you.

So, the mutt of many mysteries wants some insider show tips.

Yes, I do.

You gotta give me something first.

L-Like what?

Show me what it's like on the outside.

You've never been leash-less, have you?

[scoffs] Don't make fun of me.

So, what do you do when you aren't tied to someone?

Ha! Come on.

[dance music intro]

On three. Ready? Oh, gosh.

One... Okay.

Two... Oh, I'm going to faint.

Three! Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Yeah! [laughs]

♪ Waiting for the moment We can touch ♪ This is amazing, Max.

What? I said this is amazing.

[howls] Whoo! Vegas!

Sean! Sean, wait! [Daisy, Max] Ta-da!

[Max] Come on. Let's go, let's go, let's go. [Daisy] Sorry!

Whoa!

Another one. Two.

Another one. Another one.

[chef] One, two. In the hat.

There you go.

Oh. This is some dinner.

And these are just the appetizers.

For the main course I have something really special.

♪ I'm staying up for love ♪

[sighs] This is so beautiful.

All right. Dinner is served.

[Daisy] Oh, my gosh. Garbage.

My favorite. Garbage? No.

This is the finest New York style hot dog this city has to offer.

Oh, really? In that case, I can't wait.

Ooh. Oh, whoops.

[both laugh]

This is so romantic.

He's a-lady- and-the-tramping her.

What? You gotta be kidding me.

You guys flew all the way out here?

Of course. Hello!

We follow all your cases.

And your kisses.

Knock it off. Max, who are these guys?

Remember that time you went undercover as an emotional support dog?

So sensitive. So vulnerable.

So dreamy.

He cried. That was acting.

Just an undercover cop doing his job.

Get out of here. Scram. Wait.

So you're, what, a cop?

[sighs]

Y-Yes.

Yes, I am. I'm working undercover.

As a show dog?

Yeah. Can you believe it?

Prancing around in stupid little circles, looking pretty, pretending I'm one...

One of us? I know, right?

Can you imagine me acting all fake and phony?

Wait. That's what you think being a show dog is?

Well, yeah. I mean, dogs like me are out there in the streets, in the real world, doing the real work, you know?

Yeah, I do know.

I know you think this thing that I've devoted my entire life to is fake and stupid and shallow.

And you ask me out here why? 'Cause you like me?

Well, yeah, Daisy, but I also...

But you don't respect me or who I am or what I do.

Come on, Daisy, it's not like that.

Good luck on your case, Max. What? I...

Daisy, what about the inside infor... Ah.

Awkward.

You, uh, need a wingman, Max?

Oh, be strong, Max.

I won't leave you, ever. [sighs]

[chattering]

We've got no suspects, and if we get eliminated, we're gonna lose all our access.

So no pressure then, huh?

Maybe that perp in New York gave us bad information.

Maybe the panda was never even here. [growling]

Hmm.

Your eyebrows always been this uneven?

Competitors to the main stage in five minutes, please.

Five minutes. Oh, this is not good.

Not good at all. Calm down.

You are about to go into your biggest challenge yet, and you have not prepared at all.

You will be humiliated.

Making me nervous isn't gonna make it any better.

There we go. You missed a spot, Frank.

You know what? I think I missed a spot.

Beautiful. [announcer] Daisy wins the herding group agility round!

Hey, Mr. Upstill.

[announcer] Please stand by while we reset the stage for the working...

"Agility round."

Ho ho. I got this.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Canini Invitational disc competition.

Go, Karma! Each dog must catch and return discs to the judges.

The first dog to return three discs wins the competition.

Max, come on!

[audience gasps] What?

Whoa. Nice vertical.

[announcer] Dog number two, the rottweiler, has returned all the discs.

He cannot do that. Can he do that?

[announcer] I can't believe my eyes.

Let's see what the judges think. Number one.

That's right.

[announcer] The rottweiler wins the round. Yes!

[announcer] It's incredible. [Gabriel speaking Spanish]

You blind or what? Sorry. I'm so sorry.

Well... Well-played. Thank you.

[announcer] Round two. The high jump competition.

[audience gasps]

[announcer] What's this?

The rottweiler wants the bars set at a new record height.

Uh-huh.

[audience cheers] Aha!

[announcer] I can't believe it. The rottweiler does it again.

We are witnessing history, folks.

He's a good jumper.

[announcer] Round three. Go, Karma. Come on, come on.

You can't push the river. It flows on its own. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

[announcer] And the komondor has a very good run, putting him in first place.

Let's see what the rottweiler can do.

And the rottweiler has an amazing run of 17 seconds.

Ladies and gentlemen, a new Canini record.

The final round.

An assault course combining speed, agility, and intelligence.

The first dog to get their colored bag back to the judges wins maximum points.

[whistle blows] Hey!

You like the view? Fresh bikini wax.

[announcer] The rottweiler goes up to another competitor's tube.

[Max] Over and out.

[announcer] I'm not even sure if that's legal.

Step off my tower. Yes. Sorry.

[announcer] And the boxer has taken the lead.

Dang, how did he get ahead of me?

Here goes nothing.

[announcer] And the rottweiler, he's jumping and he's...

What just happened? Max, with the buzzer beater from half court.

[announcer] This is unprecedented, ladies and gentlemen.

And the judges are checking the rule books.

Number one. [cheering]

[announcer] An unknown rottweiler is rewriting what it means to be a show dog before our very eyes.

Good job, buddy!

Game, set, Max.

[woman] Congratulations, Mr. Upstill. Thank you.

Whew! We did it, buddy. You did a great job.

All right, guys. I'm proud of you.

Sorry, Karma. Can't win 'em all. No worries.

My happiness is not dependent on outcomes.

Plus, I have four rings, three finals MVP's, 15 All-Star appearances, and, yes, I'm a Hall of Famer.

Namaste. Okay.

Mr. Upstill, congratulations.

That is one incredible dog. He is. Thank you.

Reset the stage for the toy group, please. Bravo.

What's wrong? I can't help but to feel pity for these champions.

Because they lost?

Because they were denied their glory by your unorthodox showboating.

Oh, come on. It's just a dog show.

Non, this is more.

This is the one place you can be proud to be yourself, no matter if you are big or fat, furry or bald, or a tiny papillon from a pig farm in Belgium.

This is the Canini Invitational.

It is not just a dog show, monsieur.

What? What did I say?

Whoa! That not caring thing is so alpha.

Oh, man, let me try it. Let me try. [clears throat]

"Hey, I'm Max.

You know, dog shows are so stupid.

I'll probably forget all your names after this weekend, except Sprinkles.

I wish he was my best friend."

[sighs]

[sighs] I wish the same thing too, Max.

Hey, congratulations. It's good. Winning bought you some time.

Which is a good thing. When it comes to kidnappings, one wrong move could... [together] ...jeopardize the victim's safety.

You really know your stuff.

Unfortunately.

I never did ask you how you got involved with the FBI.

A few years ago, um, a border collie that I was handling was stolen.

Really?

Yeah. Uh, his name was Jasper.

He was, like, the sweetest thing you ever saw.

Jasper's a cute name.

He would run in these little circles around all the kids, and I don't know if it's 'cause he thought they were sheep or maybe he just thought they were vulnerable, but...

I think that he just wanted to protect everybody.

But I couldn't protect him, you know.

I'm... so sorry.

Jasper was worth a lot of money, right?

He's a world champion, so he's worth millions.

You see, I think this is all connected.

See, I think these people, they didn't just come here to sell a panda.

They came here to steal a dog.

Okay, but which one? I don't know. Which one's the most valuable?

Whoever wins Best in Show. [Max] Oh, yeah.

Now we are cooking with gas, people.

[barks]

Hola, hola.

Ah, Gabriel.

I'm so sorry about Karma.

Ah. It's what the universe wanted, I suppose.

Congratulations, Mr. Upstill. Thank you.

Nothing could change how I feel about this guy.

I don't dwell on the past. The present is its own present.

[Gabriel] I just came to thank you. Really.

We'll be leaving tomorrow, but we wanna reserve your services again for next year.

[Mattie] Of course. It'd be my pleasure.

[Gabriel] Thank you, as always, Mattie. Wet-Naps, lavender scented.

[Mattie] Have a good trip. My friend.

Let's go. [speaks Spanish]

Deputies, on my six. Yes, sir.

Ooh. Code. I like it.

Because I know exactly what I'm doing. Yeah.

They will have to triple that for a Best in Show.

Why are we doing this?

Gabriel is a pillar of the community.

We're doing this because it's fun. Ha ha!

Yeah, right. I'm being crazy.

Half the world uses Wet-Naps, right?

[Sprinkles] Hey, I recognize that guy from the warehouse party.

He smelled funny then too.

What is that peculiar scent?

That scent is bear. Panda bear.

Gabriel is the smuggler.

Whoa. Go get Frank.

Philippe and I'll corner him, okay?

Yes, sir.

On the count of three, we jump out and growl.

The plastic surgery makes only the smiling possible.

Oh, grow some balls. I'll do it alone.

[Gabriel] I'm gonna have the Best in Show.

[barking] Hey, hey, hey.

You are under arrest. [speaking Spanish]

Is this violence and anger really what's in your heart?

Step aside.

Let us meditate on the situation.

Yama, yama, yama, yama. I don't see you guys meditating.

I'm not kidding, Doggy Lama. Step aside.

[Karma] Future me forgives past you for present us.

What?

[barking]

Frank.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's going on?

It's Gabriel. He's the smuggler. He has the panda.

Max, what's wrong with you? The panda.

The cute little fuzzy thing about this size.

What? What? What? Ah, come on, Frank. Don't you get it?

Hey! Easy, boy.

What's going on? This dog attacked a man and is being remanded to city custody for 24 hours.

Max doesn't attack people. I'm sorry, sir.

He attacked a Mr. Gabriel Esteban.

Is Gabriel all right?

He's fine, but he's alerted us to this public safety threat.

This is bs. Max.

Gabriel's got the panda and he's trying to get rid of me.

Hey, take it easy on him. Max! Max!

No, leave him! Max.

No! I'm not the one you should be arresting.

Max! Why can't people understand what dogs say?

[Philippe] No! No! Philippe, tell them.

He is innocent! Frank!

Max! Max!

Why would Max go after Gabriel? I don't know.

What do you know about him? He's been a client for years.

I've been to events in three continents with him.

He must have done something. I mean, Max is a trained police dog.

Look, you said it yourself, right?

He's got anger issues sometimes.

[sighs] Something here just doesn't add up.


Fool me once, shame on you.

You fool me twice, shame on me.

[sighs]

[barking]

Hey.

Hey there, bud.

You're a good little dude, huh?

Oh, sorry. Oh, that's okay.

Down, boy.

Oh. My apologies.

He just has so much energy from being pent up all day clearing customs.

Such a dreadful amount of paperwork to bring a dog into the country.

I know. Me too.

Customs.

Right.

Sloth. Python.

Bengal tiger. Dozens more.

Gabriel was at all the animal kidnappings, each one coinciding with an international dog show.

Max was right. He is a very bad man.

You would know this already if you bothered to learn our language.

[laughs] Lazy American.

Max must have known.

[door opens]

Come on. We've got a panda to save.

[barks]

[Philippe] I don't understand.

Why doesn't he just arrest Gabriel?

Because that would alert the other members of his syndicate.

We need to have Gabriel lead us to her.

And how do you propose to do that?

By becoming the most valuable dog in the show.

You mean you...

I'm gonna have Gabriel steal me.

Max, what if you actually won the whole show?

Then you'd be able to lead us right to Ling Li. What do you say, partner?

Well, it's official.

[singsongy] Max has a partner. He so has a partner.

Hey, you do remember I bite, right?

You will need more than sharp teeth to win this competition.

And the finals are tonight. [gasps] Mon Dieu.

[Philippe] Cue the montage.

[man] Super bad.

Super bad.

Max, you're gonna love it.

Uh, no.

[women] ♪ Super bad ♪

[Philippe] Work together. Move as one.

Trust your partner and look happy.

Oh, I got your happy. Merde!

[Philippe] Think as one. His thoughts are your thoughts.

♪ Super bad ♪ Yeah.

[man] Damn.

♪ Super bad ♪ Yes, gentlemen.

Good, man. Good. Good job.

[Philippe] Bravo!

♪ Super bad ♪ Good job.

♪ Super bad ♪ Mmm.

I think I got an eyeball.

All aboard the nappy-time express!

Hey, Max.

Great job today, buddy.

I'm proud of you.

Aw.

Oh, what the heck. Ha.

Just this once.

[sighs] Hey, boy.

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, the Canini Invitational welcomes you to the final round of this elite competition.

Tonight we will determine...

Tracking on. Good.

Here we go, buddy.

[announcer] ...win Best in Show.

No, you cannot wear that hideous fashion faux pas.

This collar has a GPS in it.

Good luck, Mr. Upstill. Thank you very much.

After I win, I let Gabriel steal me.

Then Frank will track me to Ling Li.

So your life may depend on you wearing that collar?

Yep.

Not worth it.

[beeping] Oh, there we go. Okay.

Here we go.

Showtime. [Philippe] Dear Lord, please forgive my student's ignorance and guide him towards victory.

Ladies and gentlemen, will the Best in Show contenders please proceed backstage.

Hey, so I, uh...

Not now, Max. I've got a dumb dog show to focus on.

Wait. Daisy, wait.

Introductions in 60 seconds, Chauncey.

Fully aware, my good man.

Mr. Upstill, good luck.

[announcer] Two-time national champion... You're sixth.

Okay. Thank you.

[announcer]...long-haired group, Afghan number three, Sebastian!

[cheering]

[announcer] A Nevada local, infamous for her hashtag "chow power," the winner of the exotic group, chow...

Don't bite me.

Listen, Chauncey.

Time, she gives us the perspective.

Still, this must be said.

What happened between us was not all your fault.

Perhaps had I more confidence, I would have stopped the madness.

But, alas, I was not able.

Now life has taken us on separate paths, and I accept it.

I am done living with the resentments.

I wish you bon chance, my friend.

Philippe, you are the finest competitor I ever had the honor of working with.

What are you doing? Get my masters hand off you right now.

Yap, yap, yap.

[announcer] And next... Should have stuck with papillons.

...five-time winner of Best in Show, your champion...

[together] Chauncey Middleton.

And the winner of the toy group, Yorkshire terrier numero uno, Dante!

[Dante] Yes, thank you. Thank you.

It's me. Paparazzi, this way.

You know, I was watching you and Max at practice today.

You guys have both come a really long way. Thanks.

Yeah.

Look, Mattie, I figured out who the smuggler is.

And I need you to keep an open mind. Okay.

[announcer] And the winner of the working group...

We can talk about it after.

...first-time competitor...

[exhales] Come on, buddy. Let's win this thing.

[announcer] ...a fan favorite here at the Canini.

What will he do next?

The rottweiler Max!

[cheering]

[announcer] And the winner of the herding group, a delight with a pep in her step, the Australian Shepherd, Daisy, and her handler, three-time winner, Mattie Smith!

And there you have it.

These are the most successful show dogs in the world.

Canine crème de la crème. [female judge] Thank you.

[announcer] So before the announcement of this year's Canini Supreme Champion, there's just one more hurdle.

The judge's inspection.

[man] ♪ When I walk on by ♪

♪ Girls be looking Like, "Damn, he fly" ♪

♪ I pimp to the beat ♪ Good to see you, Alex. Have you lost weight?

Fabulous condition.

♪ Girl, look at that body ♪

[Dante] Thank you.

♪ I work out ♪

♪ When I walk in the spot ♪

♪ This is what I see ♪

♪ Everybody stops And they're staring at me ♪

♪ I got passion in my pants And I ain't afraid To show it ♪

♪ Show it, show it, show it Show it, show it, show it ♪

[fading] ♪ Show it ♪

[heartbeat thumping, faint]

[song begins] ♪ I'm sexy and I know it ♪

[electro hip-hop playing]

♪ I'm sexy and I know it ♪ You did it, buddy! Bravo!

♪ I'm sexy and I know it ♪ You did it!

[announcer] This is it, the moment of truth.

Which dog will be crowned this year's Canini Invitational Champion of Champions?

[judge] The winner, Best in Show, number one.

[announcer] This year's Canini Invitational champion, Daisy!

Yeah! I did it!

She won. She really did it.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Unbelievable.

You just cost me three million pounds.

What? You were going to sell me?

Chauncey, wait!

[Mattie] It was all her.

Thank you so much. Oh, no.

All right, buddy.

We'd better warn Mattie that Daisy's in danger.

Yeah, let's do it. Come on.

[man] Miss Smith, would you and your dog kindly allow me to escort you to the press room?

Of course. Come on, baby.

[man] Follow me. [Mattie] Come on.

[man] Excuse us. [Max] Here we go.

Excuse me. Mattie?

Where'd they go? Mattie!

Hey!

Mattie! Sure. Thank you.

Excuse me. Mattie!

Daisy!

Let me go!

[tires squealing] Daisy.

Mattie. Are you okay? What happened?

Where's Daisy?

Daisy!

Daisy!

Come on. Where is she?

Max, come on.

[Midge] Oh, this is tragic. Wait. What?

The love of his life ripped out of his paws.

Thrown in a van. Hey! Oh!

Is the big chase about to start? Wait. What did you just say?

Hey, is the...

No, about the van. Sorry.

Where did they go? [pigeons] That way.

I never thought I'd say this, but I need backup.

Sure thing, Maxi.

Should we, uh, call someone?

No, you. I need eyes in the sky.

Yes! [pigeons] Pigeon PD on the case!

Ooh! [pigeons] Regroup!

Here, take my collar. Find the van and drop it on top.

[pigeons] Yeah! Our first case.

Oh! It feels like we're real cops.

Oh, yes. We finally get to use our catchphrase.

[clears throat] Birds of a feather...

[pigeons] ...fight crime together!

Max, what are you waiting for? [Mattie] Max, get in.

Hey, what happened to your collar? [beeping]

It's Max's GPS. It's moving.

But how? No idea.

Shall we follow it? Get in.

[engine revs]

[Sprinkles] Bye, Max!

Bon chance, my friends!

I'm gonna miss him so much.

We was home dogs, you know? Tight.

He was my worst student, you know.

Yet I have never been more proud.

I'm proud to be a deputy to a real cop.

Speaking of, we must continue our duties.

Perhaps by investigating the after-party?

Ah, heck, yeah.

I'm gonna solve the case of the blue frosting.

Oh, how are we supposed to find an unmarked van in all of Las Vegas?

Simple, Midge. We'll just...

[pigeons] Whoa!

[beeping]

Okay, now it's going that way.

No, no, no, wait. It's all over the place.

This is nuts. Yeah, I know.

But this is... [together] ...our only chance to save Daisy.

Hey, hey. There it is.

Pigeon PD, dive.

Eagle's Claw, go in.

Roger, roger, Captain Condor.

I thought I was Eagle's Claw.

No. You're Falcon.

I can't be Falcon. Falcons ate my entire family.

Oh, right. Moment of silence.

And we're back. You can be Greg.

[gasps] I like that.

Ooh! I'm getting pigeon bumps.

Okay, Greg. It's time for you to watch Midge drop the collar on the van.

Wait. What? Go, Midge, go.

Roger that, Captain Condor.

Take that, bad guy.

[pigeons] Birds of a feather fight crime together!

It locked in. Three blocks over.

[barks] Yeah, I can't.

[barks] I can't, Max.

Left. Turn left. He's on Fremont.

Turn left. Frank. I can't, Max.

I said hang a Louie. He's on Fremont.

Do you not see the buildings over there? What is going on?

Hang a Louie! Frank!

He wants me to turn left!

Whoa! Whoa!

[dance music playing]

[Frank] No, Max! You had your chance. Now I'm driving.

Huh? Huh?

[Mattie] Frank! [yelling]

Whoa!

Sorry, ma'am! [Max] Sorry!

Okay, all right, it looks like they're headed to an airport.

Come on, Max.

Congratulations to the champion.

I hope you enjoy your new breeding mill in the Ukraine.

[barking]

Put her with the other merchandise while I get the plane ready.

I owe you one, Daisy.

The package is ready. [laughs]

I told you to trust me.

Yeah, I'll be there.

[Mattie] Okay, it's in there.

Wait, wait. Mattie, maybe you should stay in here where it's safer, and you can call the cops, all right?

My partner and I are going in.

Bad boys for life.

You, stay there. [whines]

I'll deal with you later.

[growling] Hello, fellow captive.

My name is Deepak.

How long have you been here? Too long, bitiya.

Too long.

[barks, growls]

All right.

[clattering]

Huh. What are you waiting for, Hooch?

Hey, Deepak. Got you a little appetizer.

Enjoy. [laughs]

Hello, my little furry friend. [Ling Li] Oh.

[Deepak] Oh.

What is this now?

[whispering] What are you doing?

Well, this just got interesting.


Start loading the animals. Yes, boss. I'm on it.

[growling]

[screaming]

Oh. Too easy. [laughs]

Hey, Berne.

[static crackling]

[cocks gun]

[Ling Li] Oh.

No. Daisy.

Wellington Upstill.

Or should I say Agent Nicholas, FBI?

[Ling Li whines]

I'll take my panda back.

[scoffs] This is great.

Really? How's that?

The justice system rarely does anything to people who harm animals, but shoot a fed and you're gonna get what you deserve.

[Ling Li whines]

For the $10 million I'm gonna get for the panda, I think I'm gonna take my chances.

[Ling Li whimpers]

Who's driving the plane?

Do you know how to fly this thing? No.

But I am friends with three pigeons.

Whoa! Look out!

Ruh-roh. Turn!

Whoa!

Stop it. Just stop it.

[Berne] Come back here. [Max] Welcome to Max Air, amigo.

Prepare for takedown. Hey, grab the stick while I just...

Not a chance. Me and sardine breath have some unfinished business.

[Berne] I'm coming for you now.

Daisy, be careful. What, not to break a nail?

Here's the kibbles.

And here's the bits.

Whoa. You're pretty good. For a lame show dog?

Yeah, I got skills.

Airline food has really gone to the dogs.

Ha-ha!

Uh-oh. We got trouble on our tail.

Max, you've gotta stop this thing.

I didn't exactly have time to study the owners' manual.

[whirring stops] Mattie!

Karma! Help me!

Would that I could, but, you know, the whole nonviolent thing.

Pups for peace.

[squeals]

Do you really think that you can...

[groans] [body thuds]

You're welcome.

I had him right where I wanted him. [whimpers]

Frank. [Ling Li whimpers]

Ling Li? [cries out]

Max, fetch!

Okay, but just this once. Hang on, kid! I'm coming!

[whimpering] Gotcha.

[Ling Li] Uh-oh. [Max] Uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Aah!

[screaming]

[grunting]

Max.

Nice throw, Hooch. You did it.

You did it, buddy. You saved Ling Li. You are amazing.

Next time, you fetch. Good job.

You guys were all amazing. Are you kidding?

Everyone's amazing!

Oh. Oh, buddy.

Bear tongue, scratchy.

[whirring] Oh, no.

Dang!

Son of a... You know what?

We can call the Bureau and they'll track the plane. Thanks, buddy.

Hey, that's what partners are for.

This is Agent Nichols requesting...

I'm impressed, Mr. NYPD Officer.

You weren't bad yourself, Miss Best in Show.

Thanks, Max.

Look, about what I said on the rooftop...

It's okay, Max. No. No, it's not.

Truth is I've been disrespecting everybody and everything since I got here.

You, Philippe, Frank most of all.

But everything works out a whole lot better when you can learn to trust people who see the world in a different way.

Sorry it took me so long to figure that out.

Wow. Okay, who are you, and what did you do with Max?

Oh, I'm sure he'll be back before you know it.

[laughs] Hey, what happened to that tiger?

Tiger? What tiger?

[laughs] He thought he was gonna catch me.

[growling] How you doing?

I suggest you fasten your seat belt.

[whimpering] [roars]

[screaming]

[female news anchor] And now for some happy news.

It was panda-monium at the Beijing Zoo today as baby Ling Li was reunited with her mother after a terrifying ordeal.

After the arrest of Gabriel Esteban, other recently recovered animal include a very happy border collie named Jasper who was stolen over two years ago, a pygmy three-toed sloth... Good idea. Thank you, Max.

...and an albino python.

All right, let's eat.

What is it? It's my specialty.

It's actually the only thing I know how to make. It's kebabs.

All right, that's fair.

Wow. Look at us now.

Top birds on the force.

That's right, Midge. We pretty much taught Max everything he knows.

I kind of feel like a father to him.

One day future generations of pigeons will poop on statues of us.

Aw! Awesome.

You know, Daisy is safe because of us.

The panda is safe because of us.

The tiger is safe because of...

Whatever happened to that tiger?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Now, this really is the life of Pi!

Yeah, Chief.

Okay, got it.

Come on. Let's go, Max. I'm sorry.

Exotic animal sighting, 5th and Garfield. Okay.

Look, I'm trying to run a business here.

I went in there with the towels. I don't know what I saw.

Gotcha.

I better go first. You watch my six. [barks]

I got seniority. [barks]

Fine, but I'm older than you. [barks]

Don't give me a bunch of stuff about dog years.

[Sprinkles] Max. [Philippe] Maxwell!

It turns out you were not the only undercover cop at the show.

Hello, Max.

Persephone?

Special Agent Persephone.

Homeland Security.

I knew my little charade would bring you here.

[Sprinkles] Plot twist. The Jacuzzi was my idea.

Ha-ha! Totally random, right?

You and Frank were impressive in Vegas, but are you prepared to take it to the next level?

A team of crime fighters.

With license to bite.

I may just have your next assignment, darlings.

[Sprinkles] Yes!

Here we go again.

[woman] Give it to me!

[dance music intro]

Scott, I hate to do this to you. It's all right.

I know it's your favorite jacket, man. I'm so sorry about that.

Did you just wipe dog slobber on that guy? Really, Will Arnett?

I have forgotten my line. Pug life!

[director] And action.

[glass shatters] [Philippe] I am okay.

Woof, woof, woof! Woof, woof, woof!

Will, stick to the script, please.

Two...

That is not in the script.

What's a script? I don't know.

I'm not an expert in canine mental disorders. I'm an FBI agent.

If this guy's an FBI agent, then I'm Lego Batman.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

♪ Just play that song I know ♪

[Max] Whoa. Sorry. Sorry.

That's funny. [laughing]

Give him a quick wipe-down, Mike. He's got a...

Aw, come on, Mike. I don't... [babbling]

[Frank] Okay, I'll take one too.

Am I in this? Ready.

Not bad for a papillon from Oklahoma. Hmm?

Now, this is what being a movie star is all about.

♪ Lean back Play one-on-one ♪

[clattering] [Max] My bad.

Who dares to make noise?

[Max] I'm gonna pay for that. [man] We got him.

Max, NYPD.

I'm entering the Panini Instagrammable. [director] Cut.

I'm entering the Goatini Unshaveable. Cut.

I'm entering the Cannoli Inspirational.

Cannoli? I cannot work like this.

Do I have a line? Pug life!

Oh.

Thanks, pal.

[woman] ♪ If you wanna hear me sing You'd better play that sax ♪

♪ You'd better play that sax ♪

♪ You'd better play that sax ♪

[men] ♪ Get loose, get right ♪

♪ Get a grip And rock me all night ♪

[women] ♪ Hold tight, lean back ♪

♪ Play one-on-one With that sax ♪ ♪ You'd better play that sax ♪

[men] ♪ Get loose, get right ♪

♪ Get a grip And rock me all night ♪

[women] ♪ Hold tight, lean back ♪

♪ Play one-on-one With that sax ♪ ♪ You'd better play that sax ♪

♪ Get loose, get right ♪

♪ Get a grip And rock me all night ♪

[women] ♪ Hold tight, lean back ♪

♪ Play one-on-one With that sax ♪