Single AF (2018) Script

Who is John Galt?

We are all connected to one another, we really are.

Do you believe in love?

I believe in anything that will get that camera out of my face.

Seven deadly sins.


AF, tired of jerking your own chicken?

Tired of moisturizing, Your own deli slices?

Do we have an app for you!

Booom Booom. Booom Booom.

Flirt and chat for free.

For free?

For free.

Select the person you wanna meet.

And hit enter.

Yo, where are you?

The Booom Booom commercial is on right now.

You know that app that I made you download last night that got you laid last night?

Yeah, I'm on TV right now, so you better pick up and watch.

Okay, call me back slut face.

I win, you're gonna have to eat my STP.

What does that mean?

Sweaty Tennis Pussy.

You're disgusting!

I mean you don't have to actually eat it.

I'm just joking.


And why are you so grossed out, is it bleeding or something?

Nicole stop.

Why are you on your phone so much?

I think Adam is cheating on me.

Of course he is, he's a man.

Okay fine, I'll bite.

Why do you think Adam's cheating on you?

You think I'm sexy.

I'm flattered.

You're right.

I am sexy.

Actually let me tell why Adam's cheating on you.

This'll be heart breaking.

Number one, you moved in with him, what?

After like five months.

We were in love.

Ugh, number two you don't hang out with your friends anymore, you're just only hanging out with Adam.

Adam, Adam, Adam, it's basic scarcity laws.

That's bullshit.

No dude, you're available to him all the time.

He doesn't even want for you anymore.

You're common, you're basic.

How is that helping?

Okay fine.

I'll help.

If you want to catch him cheating, you're gonna have to park your car out in front of the house, tell him you're going to your grandparents house, whatever one's still alive, and then wait outside the apartment building and then just wait for that blonde hussy to arrive.

How do you know she's blonde?

They're always blonde.


Is that the adulterer summoning?

No, it was my parents.

They can't pay their mortgage because my dad was in the hospital and everyone is stressed.

God, it's just like drama, drama, drama with you.

Yeah, my brother Eric who's filthy rich won't answer his fucking phone.

Why don't you call him on my phone.

He won't know the number.

There, it's ringing.

Wait, how do you have his, Shh.


Hi Eric, yeah it's your fucking sister.

Oh yeah, you must have called 'cause you wanted to hear my new hit single.

♪ I have no money, I have no money ♪

♪ I have no money, no money, no money, no money. ♪ I know that you have money, because I just saw you post on Instagram that you were on a yacht with Drake.

That wasn't Drake, that was my friend Matt.

We might have been listening to Drake.

Anyway, gotta go.

Oh, you have to, what are ya gonna go fly in a private jet with Madonna to buy furs?

Don't be stupid, furs are for animals not for people.

Anyway, that's what Madonna said last week.

Who knows if she'll change her mind tomorrow?

You actually know Madonna.

Let's call her.

Okay, I'm done here, Peace!

Eric! Hey Dad, it's me.

I just wanted to let you know that my Booom Booom commercial is airing today and uh, I now know that I'm gonna be a celebrity.

So I think that you should be excited for your son, pick up the phone next time.

Otherwise I'm gonna be in Africa shooting with Kevin Spacey and Harvey Weinstein.

Call me back, bye.


Did you win?

Baby, come here, come here.

It's okay, you'll get 'em next time.

Oh Come here.

What's wrong?

Just a lot going on.

Wanna talk about it?

Eric's being a greedy dick for one, and my parents, you know, with everything.

I have to go over there tonight.

I'm gonna stay.

I'm gonna pack a bag and, Okay.

Yeah, I'll be fine here.

You want me to come with you?


My parents hate you.

You saw that Selena, you saw him hide his phone, as soon as you walked in, yep.

I saw it.

And now you're talking to yourself.

Hey Boo.

Isn't boo something a ghost says?

I guess I'm a ghost then.

Uh oh, you guys breaking up?

Hey, I'm sorry that I've been such a bad friend lately.

Oh hey, that's my boss, I got a big photo shoot today so I gotta go, but just remember whatever it is, you got this, okay?

Repeat after me, I got this.

I got this.

All right, bye. Bye.

I got this.

I got this.

Selena you've got this.

Gimme that death look, like nothing's going on inside.

Nothing is going on inside.

Okay, all right.

Joke time, what's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's finger.

Yeah, yep, great.

You are a genius.



Take five everybody, great work Jason.

Markus, can I talk to you for a second?

I get that being bitter is your vibe, but when we're working could you ignore it?

Just pretend to be happy and shut the fuck up.

Oh, is that all I have to do?

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, ooh la la.


Just some guy I've been hitting up online.

He's hot, isn't he?

He's okay. Okay?

If you like hot and stupid.

Why do you assume he's stupid?

Look, hot people live in this bubble, okay, people like tell them what they wanna hear all the time just so they can sleep with them.

You're gonna be a star.

Don't listen to anyone else, just listen to me.

Trust me.

You know envy is not a good color on you.


Yeah, I got a date with him after the shoot.

♪ Oh yeah ♪ Listen I'm not jealous okay.

Life's not fair but whatever.

I know that sound.

Are you on Booom Booom too?

♪ A winky face ♪ Been known to dabble in the Booom Booom.

Yeah, it's fun.

I like making dates.

I've got a couple tonight.


Nah, I never show up.

I'm sorry what?

Yeah, no big deal.

No big deal?

Yeah, no big deal.

Make the dates, don't show up.

It's fun, it's just an app.



♪ A winky face ♪

♪ A winky face ♪

♪ I have a date tonight ♪

♪ Time to fix this mess ♪

♪ This might be love ♪

♪ I must confess ♪

♪ I'll sing it now ♪

♪ I'll sing it proud ♪

♪ I'll sing it softly ♪

♪ I'll sing it loud ♪

♪ Could this be love ♪

♪ Could this be love ♪

♪ Could this be love, love ♪

He's such a dick.

Yeah, would you sleep with him though?


Come on, honestly.


And I'm a little ashamed to say it.

Are you really?


I mean look at him, he's cute.

He's dumb.


Seems like he has it all figured out.

And that's a good thing?

Hell yeah it is, I mean I worry about everything.

I know you worry about everything.

He knows what's up.

I mean, he's got it, got it together.

Either that or he just doesn't give a fuck.

Guess apathy's the new black.

Oh hey, I got a date tonight.


Feel kinda fake about it though, wasn't really entirely myself.

Fake it till ya make it.

If you're single AF, tried of jerking your own chicken.

Tired of moisturizing Your own deli slices, do we have an app for you.

We are here with Eric Wellesley, the creator of the dating app of the moment, Booom Booom.

How are you today Eric?

Great, thanks for having me on your show.

The pleasure is ours.

So listen, the theme of your app seems a little on the morbid side.

Morbid? Why do you think morbid?

Well, I just finished taking the which deadly sin are you quiz.

How'd you do?

Apparently my sin of choice is wrath so that means I'm more compatible with someone who has identified as lust.

I know just the girl, or guy, if that's your thing, for you.

I have to be honest, it's a little scary to think people can see how far away I am from them.

Or another way to think of it is that everyone is so close to you, that's it's kinda heart warming.

You know, we're all together, we all love each other.


We're gonna take a break and when we return we'll talk about how it all began.

Hey yeah, I just wanna call you 'cause I think I left my jacket at the shoot.

Nah, yeah what, uh huh.

Actually I, I think I'm witnessing a burglary right now.

Nah, just looks, well, hold on.

Well, no, I'm not gonna call the cops.

I don't want 'em to question me and deal with all that so.


Well, you know what, false alarm.

Just some guy fixing his window.

So, um, I'll just come by tomorrow for that jacket, if that's cool?

Yeah, all right man.


With my mom, she loves to bake.

Baking with my mom...

Have you seen the new Celebrity Heights?

You know I don't read that gossip website bullshit.

Well I think...

Sorry little guy, forgot about you.

Din din.


You're probably home.

Alone with a dead goldfish and a slice of pizza.

Hey miss, can you spare some food?

♪ Get a fucking job ♪

♪ I wish it was that easy but it's not ♪ Bitch.

♪ This food is tainted with hate ♪

Hey, your pizza's here. Geez!

Don't you fucking knock?

I did. I even rang the doorbell.

Jesus, here just take, take it.

Thank you. Okay, yeah.

Happy New Year, bye, okay.

Almost lost my fucking life.

Over that.

A nut.

Hey, there's a sandwich in the fridge.

And I'll see ya tomorrow.

I'm gonna miss you babe.

I'll miss you too.

Call me when you get there?

Talk to me.

Just sent you the new graphics.

Oh great, I'll check my email.

Also, your sister called.

Lemme guess, she wants money.

She mentioned your parents needed help

'cause your father was in the hospital.

And that's supposed to be my fault?

Eric, you have the money.

I don't understand...

You're not supposed to understand why and the reason for that is because it's none of your business.

With all due respect Eric, being your assistant, it's my duty to shine light on things that you might look back on and regret.

You mean like hiring you.

I apologize.


How's it going tonight, sir?

Sorry to bother you, but your neighbor's house has been broken into, and unfortunately she, along with her six year old son have been murdered.

Did you, did you see anything?

No, no.

I, I didn't even know 'em.

I mean, I've seen 'em around, but I've never even talked to 'em.

Right right, well we're, we're doing our rounds and making sure that no one didn't, no one saw anything suspicious in the area.

So anything of note that you could mention?

No, no.

They know.

Seems he apparently broke in through the front window and must have been waiting for some time till they got back.

What up girl?


Just sitting across from my apartment, trying to catch my boyfriend cheating on me.

On the verge of a nervous breakdown.

How was your shoot.


But, I actually have a date tonight.

A date? Finally!

Where'd you meet him?

Oh it was on this gay app.

Tonight's actually the first night we're meeting.

Never actually met him before.

Be careful.

I just read an article about a guy who met another guy on one of those apps and he chopped him up and made sushi out of him.

Well, call me, after.

All right, check in later.

Hey you can't play in here.

Hey, oh, I'm so sorry, are you okay?


I lost my keys, I'm waiting for my boyfriend.

Oh, I lose things all the time.

Like this one.

Have you seen my dog?

Oh no! I know.

He like got out yesterday.

He's a little like a dachshund, Sherwin.

There's a hashtag on the back.

If you don't mind like taking them.

Or if you have any friends that live in the area, I'd really appreciate it.

Yeah, I'm sorry. Thank you.

Okay, sorry about getting locked out.

I was about to clean my room today, but something bad happened.

What happened?

You know.

What are those?

That's medicine for adults.

If you need right now, you should go to sleep.

You need to take more than that if you need to go to sleep.

Did you miss me?

Check it out.

That's impressive.


Oh nice.

So what's under that robe?

Mmm, not bad, not bad at all.

You're turn.

You stay right there, I'll be right back.

What are you?

Like superman?


Don't worry babe, size doesn't matter.


What's going on?

I'm just uh, Oh fuck this, I'm peacing out.

Having a bath.

Having a bath?

It's nothing, it's really nothing.

You're hand is on your dick and you're ready to wank, it's nothing.

Babe, you're making something out of nothing.

Please, just calm down.

Calm down.

Oh my god, really?

Come on.

I've been meeting all these guys on the dating apps and they're all just so crazy.

Don't blame the app.

It got my friend Jake laid last night.

You just gotta be more specific about what you want in life.

Look at me.

I was just in a commercial, it was on my vision board.

I just wish I could meet someone normal for once, ya know?

You mean someone that gives you butterflies or that special spark?

Nice long walk on the beach and them boom?

Or in our case booom booom?

What happened to chivalry, ya know?

Like the guy who holds your door and you know goes on romantic walks with you in the forest and then push you up against a tree and have their way with you.

Where are those guys?

All right, I gotta go.

I'm meeting this producer, I'm late.

Talk to ya later.

You like that?


I'm coming over.

Oh fuck, fuck.


Hello? Oh no.

Oh fuck.

People have become greedy.

They have the money, and they want to die with it.

I don't understand why that guy won't help his sister.

Anyone who doesn't think that taking care of their family is important, well, I feel sorry for them.

The reason for my success was because of the way I was raised with so much love.

That feeling never goes away.


Eric, I was just gonna call you.

Listen, there's been an accident.

Why do you wanna hurt me so bad?

♪ You said that I should give you ♪

♪ A little understanding ♪

♪ You didn't mean to hurt me ♪

♪ But I was so resenting ♪

♪ But did you have to twist the knife ♪

♪ And watch me bleed ♪

♪ Then just turn around and leave ♪

♪ I guess that made you feel real manly ♪

♪ It's like a little game ♪

♪ You always love to play ♪

♪ Smash your heart in pieces ♪

♪ Then quickly run away ♪

♪ You'll get to read about the story's tragic end ♪

♪ Through a series of text messages ♪

♪ I know I shouldn't send ♪

♪ Oh damn ♪

♪ What did I do last night ♪

♪ It must nice to always be right ♪

♪ But you did do the thing ♪

♪ I just straight up lost my mind ♪

♪ Who'd have predicted I could be so schizophrenic ♪

♪ It's the saddest thing you've ever seen ♪

♪ It must be nice, ♪

♪ It must be nice to be so mean ♪

♪ Never know regret and boy you'll never feel real ♪

♪ Your heart's a piece of stone ♪

♪ That's why I am the end ♪

♪ Never toss and turn at night like I do ♪

♪ You sleep just like a baby in the arms of someone new ♪

♪ Won't you ♪

♪ You've got it all figured out, it's true ♪