Slackers (2002) Script

This is Evan Scabetta.

I'm calling from Non-bottled Wine Beverage Monthly, a new publication.

I was just calling to inform you... that your product has been selected as the best boxed wine on the market.

That's right, so all of us here at the magazine thought... you should go ahead and send over a fuckin' shitload of it.

Oh, we love it. It's o good.

We like-- Merlot.

We love the merlot.

You're the best, Rita. You always have been. Thank you.

Allright, boys. We've done this before. Let's do it again.

Simple, easy, by the book.

Meet back here in 20 minutes.


Holden University.

This was our territory... andh ere we were, 48 days away from a diploma... that would open doors for the rest of our lives.

We're one step closer to the American dream.

After today'ss cam.


Hey there! Mission Sports! Everybody smile for the camera!

It's gonna be on tonight at 8:00. Everybody smile!

Mission Sports 2-2 Bureau Sports Channel.

One camera, 24-hour-a-day sports coverage.

Yeah! Slow down. Slow down.

You guys wanna be on TV? Say hello to Mom!


We're on 'em, we're on 'em. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.

You're great. You look good. Big strides. Smile for the camera.

No athletics like amateur athletics.

I see the Olympics for you, baby. Everybody's a winner.

Right here, right here!

All runners cross the street!

This way, this way, this way!

This is a different route.

Beautiful! All right! You're looking good!

New route! This way! Let's see the form! Big smiles!

Everybody cross the street! All runners cross the street!

New route!

Watch where you're going, asshole! Oh, yeah.

My leg! I can't believe it!

Oh! You killed my tibia! Oh, My God.

What a travesty! Oh, Lord!

Jesus, this looks bad.

He's never gonna make it. He's supposed to work in a kibbutz this summer.

Whatever, but I didn't do anything. Have mercy on my leg!

Keep lyin, buddy. We got it on tape. I might just call that number.

I'm calling my supervisor. Call a doctor while you're at it.

Hey, I was in Desert Storm, mister! God, it hurts!

-Allofthis... You don't know anything about driving. topassa test. He broke my tibia!

He broke my tibia!

It's one ofour favorit scams-- the worm in the apple.

which they kept under lock and key.

Now, if you had an extra blue book... you could pretty much get away with anything.

And now, after this morning, we had our very own supply.

Okay, people, this is the midterm.

It is 30 percent of your grade.

Now's the time to start panicking.

For those ofyou who don't know me, my name is Philip, I'm the head TA.

If you don't know me, that means you've never been to class.

Study materials need to go under our desk... as my minions pass out the test booklets.

Game time. Let me get some booklets. We need three.

That means our textbooks go under-- Exactly!

It's not open book.

We leftjunior high a long time ago.

Don'tmake eye contact.

And our midterm... begins now.

I gotta take a test. I gotta take a test.

Hi there.

You're in my seat.

The seat was empty. I was getting test booklets.

Get out ofmy seat. We already Have test booklets.

Hi. Hello. Yeah. See, the test booklets are out.

So this conversation you're having isn't taking place.

He's in my seat, though. Exactly.

And we're grownups, so we don't argue over seats. Why don't we go over there.

You just made my little black book.

Okay, go sit. Go sit.

Move, move, move. You're late now. Move.

I'm sorry. Do you know him? No.

Good. Thank you. Eyes on My own paper.

Joe Schmo has no answers for you.

Man, this is a really hard test.

I don't think I know one of these damn answers.

Good thing I'm not in this class.

See, I'm simply here to copy the questions down.

Look at me. I'm ananonymous blender-inner.

make the switch.

I leave the stolen bluebook as a decoy.

And here? Here's where I made my mistake.

This is how it all started.

But, I mean, look at her.

That's the reason I went to college.

I wrote my number down in case you wanna call me to talk about the test.

Or just talk about anything.

I gotta go. Here's my number. I want you to call me.

You know, tell me how the rest of the test went. you know? Okay.

Just call me.

I Have to go to The bathroom. That's not allowed during the test.

I really have to go.

Tell you what.

Explosive diarrhea.

Okay, go. All right. And leave that stuff there.

Good luck. I mean that.

What you just saw was cheating.

Now I've got the questions, and all my roommate needs are the answers.

I just don't wanna get sloppy 600s.

I told you,Jeff... you gotta work through gay porn before they let you set foot in hetero.

Fellas. Really?

Dave, is this true? You have to do gay porn before you work in straight porn?

True. What a dirty, despicable business.

How'd it go? it went well.

I slipped in, I slipped out. It was beautiful.

I was fuckin' invisible. Relax. You're sure?

Yeah, I was invisible.

Guys, this is like child's play. A baby could do this work.

Don't get flashy, Karl.

Nothing higher than an A-minus, or we dock you.

Look, I'm just saying--

We pay you because you do phenomenal work, so fill out that physics test.

Maybe you wouldn't need someone to fill out every test form... if you stopped smoking these doobies, smack joint heads.

Don't be so smug, Karl. There's a lot here you don't know about.

No. That does not agree with me.

Okay, harumph, it's over-- I saw that.

Flip me off one more time, I'm taking away the test.

Pass 'em toyour left. To your left!

Quickly.

And you may leave. I don't wanna see you anymore.

Enjoy your vacation.

Okay, the test is over. We're done here.

So, how'd you do on the test? Oh, who knows?

What, you don't care? I'm obsessing about this purity test.

It's a magazine. I missed skank by two points.

I don't think you have to worry about that.

Hey, hot boy.

I thought that was your sexy ass. Come here.

Ooh, you guys are so fuckin' hot.

Give me some of that. some of this?

I was right. You're a hard person to follow.

I'm sorry, I don't think that we've met before. I'm Angela.

You like me?

We just took a test together.

You guys must've been in a zone when you were taking that test.

We sat right next to each other. Hey, what's going on?

How you guys doin'?

We're fine. Are you having a good day? yeah. Cool.

You guys know where Professor Markoe's office is?

Yeah, Professor Markoe's office?

I think it's right the "F" over there.

Can you see I'm having a goddamn conversation?

Just back off and go do your stupid-ass thing.

The factis, the midterm has already been, and you missed it.

You guys mustnot have heard me.

I'm Sam Schechter. I got hit by a truck today.

I heard all of that.

What The heck is going on? Professor Markoe, Thank God.

Listen, I got hit by a truck today.

All I want is to take the midterm.

Hit by a truck? Are you okay?

He got hit by a truck!

Okay, but is he all right?

I got hit by a truck. I got a busted tibia.

My rib cage is very tender.

My testicle turned blue.

Why don't you drop your trousers and we'll examine 'em.

The color of your balls won't change the fact that you missed the midterm.

If it'll help me take the midterm, I'm happy to show everyone my balls.

We don't wanna see that.

Forget about looking at the balls.

You're gonna take the midterm.

And you are gonna let him take it at your desk.

-You'll have to move until he's through. -I gotta take it somewhere.

And I want you to give him all the time he needs.

Good luck, kid.

I'm tellin' you... tell that motherfucker to go.

He is no damn good. I bet he got crabs.

Yeah, girl. Put on my hot boots, get my groove on. yeah. Well, I'm finished.

Think I did pretty good.

Shotgun.

Boys, to a very successful operation. Possibly one ofour last.

Which I masterminded, by the way.

We'll give you that.

It's not too soon, I say. I think the well's sorta run dry.

Let's get the heck outta here.

You're ready to go to law school? Absolutely.

Jeff's gonna get out too. He's gonna be a financial master of the universe.

That'll help me get some fine bitches. It's time to move on, man.

What do you have that's better than this? This is great.

This is great? This is a shit heap.

I gotta be honest. Best dorm on campus doesn't excite me much anymore.

Areyou kidding? It took four years to build this place. This place is great.

You seem scared to move on 'cause you don't know what to do with your life.

-It's okay if you're afraid to graduate. -If you're afraid of the future.

You know what? This is going nowhere. Let's just celebrate our latest win.

Celebrate how? The usual way, of course.


The usual way.

Lenny's.

I'll get the birthday club cards.

I say "happy," you say "birthday."

Happy. Birthday!

When I say "birthday," you say "party." Birthday.

Party!

Let's say it. Happy birthday. Happy birthday!

Let's party... Hearty!

Party hearty.

Here's to an A-minus, boys, in physics.

The easy way. That's right.

That's Sam. Sam cheats for convenience.

At this school, if you can't pass a foreign language exam...

on the otherside of campus.

and never plans to.

The classroom is being threatened by fire. Run from this inferno.

Quickly, quickly! Everyone! You, last student, turn!

Good God, man, what is wrong with you?

You want to end up like burnt breakfast toast?

Your sacrifice puzzles and honors me.

I must leave now. I am a coward. Do not tell anyone.

It was Sam's idea toj oin forces.

Alone we werej ust a couple of freshman cheaters... but together we were dangerous.

I'm not an evil, lying genius.

I just happen to know a technique. I callit "The Seed of Doubt. "

I'm a commercial airline pilot.

Say it, repeat it, believe it.

Yeah, whatever.

No, no, I'm a commercial airline pilot.

I, ladies... am a professional, commercial... airline pilot.

Cool! yeah.

Is he a pilot too?

F.B.I.

I got the ugly one.

Jeff bought in sophomore year. He marches to a different drummer.

He's just crazy.

I don't want you to worry about finishing the exam. No one ever does.

That's the way I designed it, so just finish writing whenever you--

Time's up! Okay, that's it. Time's up. Close your books, stop writing.

Come forward with your papers immediately.

Everybody in the back.

Everybody all the way in the back.

You. Yes, you.

Little Red Riding Hood. Congratulations.

You just got an "F." Come on up.

There's always one in every crowd who doesn't believe me.

You can stop writing, sir. I don't care if you have the cure for cancer.

It's fruitless. You will not pass.

Sir, congratulations. You have failed.

Do you even know My name? No, I don't knowyour name.

No, you don't.

What's your name? What's your name?

I've seen a lot of pornos in my day. It's like a trade secret.

Next time you're jackin' off, you sit lndian style.

Believe what you want. At least I get out some.

You go through more tissues than a widow.

What? It's true.

Who's the one who just said I've seen a lot of porn?

You are a rabid consumer of porn. They have your name on file.

You're the one who masturbates. I'm not the--

Happy birthday or whatever.

What's up?

How'd you do on the test?

Well, I fucked up the gravitational constant.

Me too.

What's your name again?

Tom Weaver.

Can we help you with something, guy?

Oh, my God, how's your leg?

Obviously he's a lot better now. Thanks for your concern.

And if you're done trying to hide the baloney pony... we've got some stuff to eat.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, dude. Happy birthday, man.

Third one this week. I'm proud of you.

who is That guy? He's just a bus boy.


Gimme seven!

Hey, you guys are about to enter into a world of pain.

You. I know what you did. I was there. I saw it.

Move, or you're gonna get hurt. It's that tweaked bus boy, man.

I know what you did. I was sitting right next to you. Remember me?

Hey, shorty. How's your leg feeling, buddy?

You're playing awfully good for having a broken leg.

Right, homeboy? I'm not kiddin' around, bitch.

Okay, let's see the so-called proof.

I got the proof. You were there, Dave. Dave Goodman, 555-01 22.

This is nothin'.

Keep it. I got plenty of copies.

Of course, if this were to get out, you guys would probably be expelled.

Do you really need a diploma? No.

But, you know, if you wanted to go to a law school, for instance... that'd be pretty tough.

Or be hired by a prestigious financial firm like Stockton, Upright & Falk.

I'm into that firm.

I know. I saw your name on the interview list.

Good luck getting that job. They don't hire cheaters.

Hey, wait! Ethan, wait. Dave.

Dave, come on.

Okay. What do you want?

I got a proposition for you.

You're obviously amoral... but certainly clever in your ways.

And you, you may have some... people skills I may lack.

What do you want? Money? Free dry cleaning? Euro-pass?

No, I don't-- A Euro-pass? No. No!

I want you to get me a girl. a girl. This is college!

Bag your own bitches.

Angela's not a bitch!

Take it easy, man!

Let him go. You gonna be good?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Okay. Back away.

I have copies.

I'm not afraid to expel you. take it easy. Relax.

Give me a day. I need to think about this.

This is a tough one. Just give us the night.

They call me Cool Ethan. I live in Heineraker Hall.

All right, cool. We'll find you.

All right?

I didn't like being blackmailed by "Cool Ethan"... but he did have good taste in women.

Are you fucking insane? This is a major breach of security.

This guy could have us kicked out of college, man.

Look, we will get him the girl.

Look, let me explain something to you.

My college career is a house of cards... glued together with thousands of lies, and now it's being threatened...

Shut up! by some schoolboy with a crush?

We'll get him the girl. Relax.

I've been watching you everywhere you go.

Soon you're gonna be mine, aren't you?

Who's that? That's the most beautiful girl in the world.

I like you.

Everything here, you touched it, baby.

We're gonna get married one day and have 23 little kiddies.

And I'm gonna get ajob at Stockton, Upright & Falk... and be so rich that you're gonna love me forever.

And we're gonna have sex in my bedroom

Guys, we're a team. Back me up. What do you say, huh?

Just promise me this has nothing to do with the girl.

Hey, this has nothing to do with the girl.

Don'tyou fuckin' Seed of Doubt us, man.

This has nothing... to do... with the girl.

Okay. I'll buy it.

Thanks.Jeff, I got a job for you. You'll start tomorrow.

Sam, come on. I know you're in. Fuck.

Yo, wake up.

I brought you coffee. I don't touch that stuff. can I come in? No.

No one comes into Ethan's room. Ethan's rules.

What's that smell?

Maybe it's the smell of your ass getting kicked out of school.

Well, enough of this gay banter.

We're gonna get you the girl. on What day?

Well, let's say on Monday.

Tuesdays Are better. Tuesdays--

It'll be a Tuesday. Great.

You're smart. I like you.

I'll probably give you a nickname.

We needed a plan to get into Angela's room, so Jeff knocked.

Yoo-hoo! It's Steve Pasternak looking for Angela.

Angela, please. Do I fuckin' know you?

I lent Angela my notebook because I take such "world-famous" notes.

So I was wondering if I could--

Are you busy with something?

Yeah. I was masturbating.

Masturbating. In the dorms.

Well, that's what you get when you go to art school.

What do you want, her room? Right over there.

Thank you. Don't touch anything.

So, do you know what the book looks like?

Let me tell you what it looks like. It's a very distinctive note--

Some of my notebook had her handwriting in it.

There's really nothing here. Someone's going to have to make contact.

I will break, I will enter...

I will torch, I will shatter, I will rifle...

I will pillage, I will probe... but I'm really not comfortable just talking to a girl.

You know what, boys?

Why don'tyoujust let me take care ofit?

You treat a hot girl like dirt and she'll stick to you like mud.

Watch where you're going, you skanky-ass bitch.

Cocksucker. Slut.

Butt-wipe. Ho.

Monkey boy.

Maybe I should make the contact. What do you think?

Sam?

Swirling gases growing hotter and hotter... until it reaches a critical temperature... and transforms itself into the most awesome sight in the universe.

What is this sight called? Anybody?

Remember me? Dave. I'm a friend of Ethan's.

We're in the middle of class. you know. Cool Ethan.

Here. These are for you. Hey.

Look at the matches. He's in the inside.

That's Cool Ethan. I don't know who Ethan is.

You don't know who Cool Ethan is?

You, our new friend with the pipe.

What's the formula for finding critical mass?

Keep 'em.

True.

I don't know, man. Hello, dark angel.

Fuckin' dinner on a budget.

What'd you guys get?

I got some term papers, some E-mails and this "dream guy" survey.

I don't know what it means. this shit is cheesier.

You're right.

Dream guy, huh? "Intelligent, good-looking, smart, funny."

Sam, where'd you say she was from?

She's a local.

A local, huh? Looks like I'm gonna be making a visit to the Patton's house.

Charles Patton? Yes.

Ron Mathius, US Census Bureau.

You've been selected for a personal information session. is That bad? No, that's good, sir.

Aren't you young for government work? I'm not a GS-11 yet, no.

I'm just a GS-4, but-- GS-4!

Shall We Do it? Let's get it on.

All right, then. come in.

We at the Census Bureau like to dig a little deeper... find out the stuff thatjust doesn't translate to paper--

Wow! What a beautiful home.

Well, then, you should meet the decorator.

Ron Mathius, Census Bureau, my wife Valerie.

Great job. yeah. Oh, thankyou.

Would you like a drink? Yes!

Well, you're gonna get a drink.

That's adorable. this is your only female dependent? Yes.

In that case, I'm gonna need a passport, a birth certificate... social security number, diary, vaccination reports and... that pretty much wraps it up.

Okay, Let me go see What I can find. That Would be a really big help.

Wonderful. Super.

He really is a sweet man.

He's a sweetheart. yeah.

He's great.

This is a very lovely house you have here.

Oh, thankyou. You're welcome.

I like to decorate. I can see that.

And I Do My own gardening. your own gardening?

And decoupage. Decoupage?

I love to suck cock. And I arrange flowers too.

Where's those school records, honey?

In the back of her closet, in the shoe box.

Shoe box! Yes! I knew that.

Oh, shit.

What now?

"My ideal guy has... childlike wonder, maturity... blue eyes, honesty... knows what to say without being told."

Does that sound like anybody toyou?

Forest Whitaker?

Dave.

What the hell areyou doing?

House rules. You don't make your own drinks. Valerie makes your drinks.

Where is Valerie?

Well, whileyou're back there--

He's not gonna sell us out for a girl.

He might. I don't think he will.

-He might. -I know Dave, and I don't think he will. thankyou. Let me showyou--

You know what? I know where the door is. You have a pleasant day.

I'm gonna-- Thankyou. Good-bye.

No, thankyou. Thankyou for coming.

And where have you been hiding all this time, my little monkey?

I got lucky at her parents's house and hit the motherlode of information.

I mean, Angela was perfect--

4.0 GPA, volunteer at a hospital and a homeless shelter.

I mean, the girl's neve reven had a cavity.

Okay, I'm done. "X" marks the spot. I'm here. Peace.

Dudes, I'm breaking off so I can find my homeys.

Whatever. Okay, Cool.

So, what's the status with the girl? Just a second. go with The hospital? yeah.

So she volunteers at this hospital--

Nope. Oh, no. No hospitals.

No hospitals. you can talk to her at The hospital.

What would me say?

You're right. She wouldn't like you. So we're gonna trick her.

We're gonna tell her you have a girlfriend.

It's less threatening. Find a new plan.

I'm kicking you guys out unless you find a new place. No hospitals.

You're not getting me to go to a hospital.

It's a beautiful hospital. That's what they said before.

Angela, you're a big help. Thanks.

Ethan.

Ethan. Right. From, um--

Physics. yeah.

How areyou? I'm cool.

I didn't know that you volunteered here at the hospital.

Well, I don't. I'm here 'cause you're here. Just kidding.

I just hate watching people suffer... so I figure why not put things in perspective and help out, you know?

My girlfriend's also a doctor up in Boston. I think I love her.

Oh, Really? yeah. you need any help?

Hi, Mrs. Van Graf. I'm Angela, a student volunteer here.

We brought you your lunch.

Well, I don't want any lunch.

Okay, that's fine. We don't have to have lunch.

We could just have a conversation, learn more about you.

I'm Ethan. I don't want to talk either.

I'm sure there's a lot we could talk about.

We could watch TV.

No, actually, I think maybe we should learn more about Mrs. Van Grafhere.

Like, are you from this area?

Hell no.

I came here forwork. What did you do?

I worked the docks.

See? She worked on the docks. That's fascinating.

I mean, most women weren't the least bit interested--

I used to be a whore.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Holy-- Are you okay?

Are you okay? Get Dr. Danvers!

Ethan's gonna take care of this. Go get Dr. Danvers!

I'll be right back. I'm gonna stay.

I'm new, so bear with me.

Oh, I'm so hot. I'm overheating.

Do you need a Fresca? No, I don't need a Fresca.

What can I Get you? a sponge bath.

Over there. a sponge bath? yeah. Well, I've only sponged myself, but-- sponge bath. Okay, here I come.

Holy--

Oh, sponge me.

Oh, so very hot.

Is that better?

Yes. you like that?

You've got great hands. Oh, Thank you.

You've got a great rack.

So, you're cooling off, right?

No, I'm just getting hotter.

Okay, So,Just on The boobies? Great sponger!

Wanna make sure We got everything. Oh, you got it.

What Are you doing? sponge bath.

That is against hospital regulation. Let a professional Do that.

You're not supposed to be doing that. Put The sponge down. this is his first day. The dirty old whore told me to Do it.

Get away from the patient!

And then it just so happens that they walk in when I'm sucking on her nipple.

So you fingered an old lady?

She was asking for it.

It's totally fixable from where I'm standing.

How hard can it be? I mean, right, Sam?

Dave, could you talk to Angela for me?

Yeah, I could talk to her.

I was hoping you'd say that...

'cause I'd really hate to kick you guys out of school.

All right, dudes. See you later.

You.

You were right. We should study together.

I never said that. It'd be a good idea.

So you use my notes, I do the work-- I'm not gonna use your notes.

To tell you the truth, I've got a photographic memory.

I mean, I practically know everything.

Try me.

We don't have to do this. Just try me.

Okay, what's the fastest land mammal? Cheetah.

What's the only country to straddle two continents?

Turkey. I got one.

A guy and his son are driving and they get in an accident.

They go to a hospital-- And The mother was a doctor.

You see? We got chemistry.

Wow. Did you feel that?

Yeah, it's electric.

All right, there's a study group Wednesday nights.

507 Obal Hall.

Put that in your photographic memory.

What about this? is this a study group or a date?

It's a study group.

I just invited that guy Dave.

Hypothetically, if there is no Ethan, she's not your type?

She's not my type.

Her gorgeous face and pert breasts disgust you, right?

The thing is, she's got this--

Are you gettin' the special tingle from this boy?

You're getting the special tingle!

It's not the tingle that worries me. What is it?

It's the guy.

You start to change for somebody... and before long they change you.

You know, and this is-- right, right, right. this is who I am. That's interesting.

You know my policy. You gotta show the boobs and work the ass.

I have no boobs.

You're right. We'll work the ass.

-Hi, Angela. -This is Dave. He's gonna study with us.

Like David and Goliath.

You know, maybe you're an expert in astrophysics... but some ofus could use some study time.

Who really cares about this crap?

About a billion Alpha Centaurians.

I am so sick of people sitting in a room... studying and wasting the most important years of their life... worrying about what some dipshit is gonna say on a test.

This is where it's at. We should really get out.

So, the concerns of the little people don't apply to visionaries like you?

It's wasn't you. It was the guys in the room. It was hot in there and--

You're holding my hand. Well, We might hit a patch of ice.

So I got this plan. What's the plan?

I plan to take you to this place where you can actually study the real thing... and not what's in the textbook.

What doyou say?

I'd say it's a good plan. All right, then.

What one's that? The one that looks like the Death Star.

That's Castratia.

The myth has it that she's the most beautiful of all the goddesses... and any mortal man who would try to court her... she would slice his manhood off. come on, No. No, seriously.

No. come on. Yes. seriously.

Really? No.


You know what? My arm's getting numb.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry. That's okay. That's fine.

It does that, you know.

Was that wrong?

No. No, I mean--

Because-- I'm sorry. I just thought that--

Let me just explain.

I got this friend, and--

He really likes you, and I cannot do that to him.

You're a very beautiful girl, but, you know, he's--

I grew up with him-- What friend?

His name's Ethan. You don't know him? Everybody knows him.

I know Ethan.

He's a great guy, and--

I guess I just don't understand what Ethan has to do with... you and me.

Give him a chance.

You'd really get along with him.

You know, Cool Ethan.

Okay, Dave.

She'll be comin' 'round the mountain when she comes She'll be comin' 'round the mountain She'll be comin' 'round them ountain She'll be comin' 'round the mountain When she comes Now you!

She'll be ridin'six white horses When she comes She'll be riding six white horses When she comes She'll be riding six white horses She'll be riding six white horses She'llberidingsix whitehorses When she comes

-Jeff, it's Dave. Yeah?

What were you doing? Nothing. Nothing at all.

Check out Ethan's schedule for me. Where is he now?

Yeah, he should be heading for the library right now.

Awesome. Thanks, man. Don't worry about it.

Where were we?

You. Come here.

Have you talked to her? Does she understand?

She was a little suspicious at first, but I'm dealing with it.

This is so "F"-ed up.

You said you could get me a complete profile ofwhat she wants in a guy.

How do you know that she's "the one"?

I just do.

Besides the fact that she's beautiful, smart and funny, how do you know?

Because of the way she smiles.

Because of her smile.

Because when I close my eyes all I see is her face laughing and moving... and screaming and screaming and screaming... and screaming and screaming.

I thought you said you loved her. Why Do you care?

I'm just trying to figure it out. Yes, I love her!

Yes, I love her completely. you love her.

And I hate her completely.

But that's something I want to work on with just her, me and her together... in a locked room.

So bring me the girl, Dave, or you and your friends are goin' down.

We have plenty to eat.

Vegetarians on this side, meat over here.

Hey, how are you, Bill?

How's everything going? Good? Okay.

Angela? Weird!

Ethan, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm in the food service industry and I like bums, so it's kinda my duty.

Okay.

Angela? yeah. Hi. How areya?

While I've got you here, could I ask your advice on something?

Yeah, sure. What's up?

Well, it's kind of about my girlfriend Stephanie.

Oh, yeah, your girlfriend.

I just need a woman's POV on the whole "sitch."

Actually, you know what? Can I talk to you about something?

Sure.

I kinda wanted to talk to you about us, if that's cool.

Yeah, fine.

I know you don't have a girlfriend, Ethan.

And I know that you like me.

You know, this is kinda-- Can I just be honest?

Go ahead, go ahead.

I really like someone else.

Do you-- Did you--

Oh, my God, I am so sorry. I led you on.

Angela, I like you as a friend.

You're the sweetest thing.

Oh, My God. Really?

Yes, you completely misinterpreted everything.

You're not my type.

Don't worry. God, I'm so embarrassed.

It happens all the time. It's cool.

I'm really happy that we got this cleared up... because the guy that I like is your friend Dave.

Dave! Yeah!

Fudge!

I can't stop thinking about him. I can't shut up about him.

I know! You can't shut up about him! you want me to go talk to him? Would you Really?

No problem. I'll put it in my book. I'll say, "Talk to Dave about Angela."

Don't worry.

Come here. Let's get these lousy sons of bitches something to eat, huh?

Maybe she needs a little sponge bath. She's so dirty.

Put the underwear on your head, Ethan!

Please! Oh, Ethan, put the underwear on your head!

No! No! I love it!

You shut up, Dave! You shut up, Dave!

Does that feel good?

Does that feel good?

Ethan, what are you doing?

I'm not gonna eat that shit, you fuckin' retard.

No one calls me a retard, you freakin' hobo!

Get his shoes!

It's still 22 to 3, mine.

I thinkwe could do better than that.

Come on!

What is that, man? You wearing musk?

Oh, yeah. I'm going to sing with this band tonight.

What? You don't sing. No, I sing.

Bullshit. You don't sing. I sing!

I sing.

If you sing, right now sing. I'm saving my voice.

Hello! Hello!

Reanna?

Ethan. Yup, and I've got gifts.

You just let yourself in?

Angela, I feel really bad about what happened today with the bums.

Ethan, it's fine. Don't worry about it. I'm already over it.

No, Angela, it's not okay.

I'm bad!

That's really clever, Ethan. take that. I got it foryou.

I wanted to be sure that you and I are best friends... gnome matterwhat.

Ethan, that's a troll. Gnome it's not.

All right, I have to go now.

Wait.

One more thing. A wee leprechaun.

Okay, that one I don't get.

I'll be your best friend... until you steal my pot of gold!

Don't do that.

I'm just kidding. Okay, time to go. yeah.

Okay. Remember That favor?

Talking to Dave? yeah.

Don't. I'll handle it.

I'm gonna see him tonight, so I think it'll be better ifl handle it.

Oh. You're gonna see him right now?

Really? yeah.

Well, that frees me up. Great.

I hopeyou enjoy the presents--

Let me just take this moment and say one thing.

We have, like, three weeks till the exam, and--

I wrote the damn mock exam! I gave it to you!

I wrote the mock exam?

Hey, let's get out of here.

No. yeah.

No. No? come on.

Please?

I'll take you somewhere.


Oh, my God! Thank God! I thought you were with Dave!

Oh, baby.

Yeah? So what?


I don't know. I don't want to stop loving you.

I mean, where are you?

Don't make me put you under lock and key.

I know you're a good girl.

You'd better not be doing something you're not supposed to.

The big bad wolf's gonna find you.

Been using a new shampoo?

Play a little game!

Duck, duck, goose, huh?

Duck, duck... goose!


Oh, shit.

Something's wrong.

-Jesus Christ. And we're back!

I want to be polite... but how many decoupage gifts can you receive?

I don't know. I guess she makes my dad happy. So what can I say?

Soyou like living in the dorm?

My God, I was so happy to get out of the house.

My stepmother drives me crazy.

My real mom lives in St. Louis. St. Louis?

She's a Midwestern gal.

That's great news.

Really? Tell me something about you.

What do you want to know? a secret. a secret? a secret, huh? I'm sure you have plenty.

Got a few.

So tell me. Yeah, tell her, Dave.

Tell her the real secret.

Me and my friend,Jeff, we can control the power on campus.

How's that for a secret? We hack into the power grids.

Looks like I'm gonna have to pay your friends a little visit, Dave.

Me and my friend, Jeff, we can control the power on campus.

How's that for a secret? We hack into the powergrids.

Don't say a fucking word, Ethan. Look at That shot.

He's "doing" his special lady.

Shut the fuck up!

I don't want to see any more, all right?

He's "f"-ing you. He "f"-ed me.

And now I got a little movie of him "f"-ing her.

Dude, enough about Dave. You don't know a thing about Dave.

He betrayed you. He stole my girl.

He's not our friend. What?

Son ofa bitch!

The little freak is right, all right? Dave screwed us.

He's not the only one who screwed us. We're getting screwed by the system.

The system that forces us guys to like girls, all right?

We're getting pushed into this. What if we just take the girls out of it?

We can have our own system. It's a countersystem.

Then you do things together-- You swim, you row, you boat... you eat, you stink.

We can just be guys. You can have sex--

You can do it, you know, many guys at a time, but it's not gay.

That's interesting.

I'm gonna go talk to Dean Rattenbaugh about that... while I'm getting your ass expelled. come Over here. What?

Sit down.

Give me The tape. Oh, this tape?

What do I get?

This is everything we have on Angela.

How much of that did I work to steal my own self?

Shut up. I'm giving it to him.

Everything you need to get the girl is in here. on three. All right, on three.

One-- If I could interject something here.

I'm not gay, you know.

I'm the kind of guy who will Not insist that you go on the pill I'm cool with splitting the bill

-And I'll kill Oh, My God. who you wan tme to kill It's Ethan.

Stay there.

You and me Hey, new-wave boy! Don't you see Shut the fuck up!

Don't you see Do We fucking know this guy?

My heart is beat-beat-beating It's Ethan again.

Oh, Angela Oh, how I need you so

'Cause your eyes are like two shining blue Rockets in the night come to take me away Come and fuck me, baby He is so--

And don't let me hurt you just by accident I probably won't, but Shut up!

Fudge!

Ethan, I appreciate the effort, but--

I wrote this for you! What Do you want?

It's 2:00 in the morning.

I wanna come up. this has to end, right now. Invite him up.

We'll make him clean the fucking bathrooms.

Besides, maybe he's good in bed. The little ones always are. Come on.

Move. you can come up for one minute.

Really?

Guys? Hey, yo!

Wow!

Love.


Okay. I'm going to fix your nose... and we're going to have a little talk, okay?

Okay.

This is not very manlike ofme, is it?

Ethan, it's a tiny cut. It's no big deal.

You're right. It's just a cut on skin.

You're so awesome. Your room is so awesome. Your phone is kick-ass.

And you know what? I love you.

You and I are just friends.

I have to make that clear to you, because this cannot continue.

You're still on this whole Dave thing.

Unbelievable.

It's not a Dave thing.

I'm in love with him.

Have you two been physical?

You know what?

That's it.

What Dave and I do is none of your business. It's time for you to leave.

I was hoping you wouldn't take it this far. Damn it!

Enough is enough!

Will you quit breathing so loud? I can't hear what he's saying.

God, I'm so scared for us. It's too late for this, you know?

You've been duped by the worst kind of con man.

When I fell in love with you...

I knew I couldn't get you because you're so beautiful.

So I paid Dave and his goons to get close toyou.

He put together a dossier of information... which I studied every night.

I do not believe what you're saying to me.

How do you think I know your favorite animal is a monkey?

Ethan, shut up! I said, "Dave, stop. It's over.

She is a lovely girl with a pure heart.

Don't taint her with your octopus ink!" something is wrong with you. Nothing's wrong with me.

No, something-- Bullshit.

You know how he brags about the power grids?

That's how he's going to talk about you.

You're just another thing for him to brag about.

I'm not the kind of guy who would rub this kind of proofin your face.

Good Christ!

Stop.Just listen. you deserve That, asshole.

I can explain everything. Ethan explained everything.

Don't listen to Ethan! He's psychotic! You are a fraud!

You are a child! You're manipulative!

And worst of all, you're a whore!

I am not a whore.

You used me to make a hundred bucks.

Angela, I didn't do anything like that.

You didn't? I didn't.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Why did you steal my E-mails, Dave?

I came clean. And you should have stopped when I asked--

You told her I did it for money? Huh, you little freak?

What are you doing here anyways?

I'm gonna ask you this right now and I want you to answer me honestly.

Did you... or did you not... seduce me because of some deal you had with Ethan?

See, it wasn't exactly like that.

Dave, will you just answer yes or no? Please, just answer me.

Yes. Oh, shit.

Angela, you see? I told you he was violent! Look!

Angela, please, baby, please.

Listen to me. Listen to me!

This is not a good night for my nose. I'm gonna go disinfect it.

Well, I don't know about the punch in the nose, but I think she likes me.

You don't love her.

I do tonight.

Hey, do you have a condom?

Fuck.

I wantyou to get this bad energy out.

Ethan, I really don't feel like being touched right now, okay?

Thanks.

Then you need a jump-start.

Clear!

Clear! Clear!

Ethan, it's--

It's been kind of a long night.

I don't want to kick a dead horse, but that Dave... he's a bad dude.

You made the right decision.

Thanks for being honest.

No problem.

I'm tired. I know. me too.

Move over. Let's go to bed.

Move over.

How about you sleep on the couch?

Okay.

Shh, be quiet. We're in my girlfriend's dorm.

You wanna what?

No, we shouldn't.

Okay, but you be quiet, hair doll.

Like that?

I said to her, or him, I said--

I can't believe you guys. Oh, you can't believe us?

You know what? I can't believe you. You betrayed our trust.

-I did not betrayy ou! -That's the one thing we had between us.

I did not betray anyone! but you said My name on That tape.

What about that?

You might as well have broadcast it to the whole campus.

Man, I mean, we can't do that to her.

What?

The guy is a stalker. I mean, Ethan, he's nuts.

How was I supposed to know? you know What?

Fuck you.

I'm the one who took care of it. You're out.

I can't trust you anymore. You're out.

You sure did fuck up.

Butyou didn't fuck up so much as you fucked up.

You find somebody, and it just feels right.

It's like fate.

Exactly! It was my fate to meet her.

But it wasn't your fate to be with her.

Unfortunately, my friend, fate... has a different plan for you.

You will grow up, go out into the world.

You'll forget all about the things that happened here.

Ethan, Angela... the shit we pulled.

Those hookers that we thought were girls.

And you're going to go out there... and no one-- no one... can shoot you down because a woman one time... stepped on your heart and left a scar in its wake.

That is your fate, Dave.

Just as it is my fate... to some day become shogun.

Fucking idiot! Are you kidding me?

There goes Dave the liar. I "f"-ed his old girlfriend.

Oh, Ethan. Oh, Cameron.

Oh, yeah! Baby, baby.

Boobies, boobies.

Stone-hard reality, Dave.

I asked you to stop.

Cameron! Take off my pants.

Oh, no. That's my mom.


Is enough enough Is enough enough

I saw the sign When I opened up my eyes I saw the sign

When I opened up my eyes I saw the sign

No one's gonna drag you up to get into the line where you belong I saw the sign I saw the sign

Guys, I saw the sign.

And it opened my eyes. I gotta be with Angela.

As your attorney, I can't advise that. I'm telling everything. That's it.

You guys have nothing to worry about.

You're serious about this, man? Dead serious.

I need to be with her.

Hey, you're not fucking seed of doubting me now?

Sam, I'm not going to lie anymore.

I'm done.

I have something to say to you.

And I think that it's important that I say it out of the cage.

I think you're doing the right thing. I've never seen you like this before.

You know what? I've never felt like this before.

Listen, I blew up last night, but I'm proud of you.

I wish I could back you up. I'm not getting kicked out of college.

This is me. You have to understand this.

You guys aren't going to pay for this. I'm gonna do this myself.

I never would have given that stuff to Ethan in a million years...

If I thought that you felt this way.

You did what you had to do. That's fine.

I guess I felt a little bit jealous because... you have a girlfriend now, or whatever... and I felt like I was left out.

Come on.

Really? a little bit.

Come here. Give me a hug. Got nothing but love for you.

Oh, one, two, three, four hard nipples. Nope.

This is really weird. I never thought we'd see the day when the team split up.

Wait. Not yet.

We don't split up yet. Cool Ethan? He caught you cheating, right? yeah. Right?

He's gunning for your job, right?

You know mywhole story.

You got his stuff?

One more job, guys. I say we bury him.

But wait, you say. How did we get Ethan's documents?

Allow me to refresh your memory.

When you only see two of us, watch out.

Because the third one is probably rifling through your shit.

It was time toput ourgifts to use.

So we splitup into two groups to take Ethan down.

First on the list, Stockton, Ypright and Falk.

Ethan wanted to work there more than anything.

So we thought we'd lend him ahand.

Professor Markoe's? Yes, the exam is today.

Back on up, slick.

Oh, God, I'm choking.

Oh, God, I'm choking!

God, he's choking on a piece of steak.

I don't know what to tell you, but I think Philip called this one in.

I run this office. All of this is me.

Oh, Fuck. Are you All Right?

I'm fine now. Thanks to you.

Thanks to this fine, young gentleman.

If you just let me get in there, I'll replace that mouse and be outta there--

Thank you. Fix it.

Wes Mann. I'm in emerging markets. And you are?

Ethan Dulles. I'm actually only here for an interview with Mr. Leonard.

Oh, well. Leonard Leonard and I are very good friends.

I'm gonna march you right up there.

Let me help you out. You've had such a hard day.

I look good and everything, but I'm still freaked out, 'cause of the meat.

So if you could give me a little privacy.

Yes, this is a message for Mr. Dulles.

This is Mr. Leonard's office in Human Resources at Stockton, Upright and Falk. good work down there, Mr. Dulles. you can Call meJack.

Jack?

It says on here that your first name is Ethan.

Call me Jack. All right,Jack.

Jack, what one word would you say... describes yourself perfectly?

I'm gonna have to say slave to the freaky-assed booby.

That's not one word.

You know, Philip said that you were available.

Hurry up, brownie, cookie, whatever.

You get into this job because you like to work with your hands.

I work with my--

I work with my hands all the time. I mean, love to rub you down.

You ever had a massage with heated stones? Like nothing you'd believe.

On your resume under "activities"... you have "smokin' blunts with the homeys"... and "bustin' caps in whitey."

Can you explain that?

Please come to Mr. Leonard's office... as soon as you possibly can for your job interview.

Thanks. Yes!

You know as well as I do how I very well got the job.

You and me, boy, we can handle shit, all right?

Right, right.

You watch Leonard Leonard handle some shit.

Oh, Angela

Oh, how I need you so

I see what I wanted to do

Now

Yeah!

Stockton, Ypright andg et those lousy cheaters expelled.

Ethan Dulles is waiting in the lobby for me?

I don't-- What's the holdup? I've been waiting a half-hour.

Still checking.

You let him in here and your ass is grass, and I'm the lawn mower.

Actually, that appointment's no longer on the books.

Okay, well, I'll just go check the books. Bitch.

Heard you got a little smart with Mr. Leonard.

Get him out of here now.

The lawnmower's waiting.

I want that punk thrown out of this building.

I parked my wheel right out here. I'm fine. Thanks, guys.

Can you believe that?

Get him. Come here!

Help me!

This is the final exam.

From this point on there's no talking, no study guides... no exceptions.

You have three hours. That's it. Pencils down after that.

Begin now.

Hi. Yeah, we're having a test here. A final.

Hold on. Just wait a second. I don't have a second.

Excuse me.

We're having a test here. Just relax. This can't wait. Please.

You can talk to her after the-- Just Relax.

These people are taking a test-- They are taking a final exam.

Please Just Give me five minutes. Am I coming up there?

Is that how it's gonna be? Just listen to me. please.

Just give me one second. Okay? Just one second.

You think I'm a liar? yeah.

Yeah. Well, I am a liar.

Ethan never paid me. He blackmailed me.

I did it because he caught me cheating.

What the fuck?

I am a cheater.

I have cheated my way through high school.

I have cheated my way through college.

I have cheated my way through everything.

I don't think I've ever taken a test honestly.

I've engineered blackouts. I've done bomb threats.

I've hacked into the administration network. I've done it all.

I mean, I think this is the first legit thing I've ever done.

And there's no angle. And there's definitely no scam.

I'm doing it because-- because I love you.

You love me?

I do love you.

I'm pretty sure I'm in the wrong class.

But, I just gotta say, that was really moving.

Well, honesty, folks. Right?

Isn't that the most important thing, honesty?

That's what it's all about. I didn't understand that until I met you.

That was beautiful. Thank you. Thank you.

Well, you'rej ust Mr. Party Pants, aren't you?

You all think you know this man?

Well, I have in my hand hard evidence... that this man is, in fact, a cheater!

Why are you clapping? Why are you clapping?

Why are you clapping?

What the hell is this?

Well, Ethan, I told her the truth.

And I told her I cheated and I told her I loved her.

You don't believe him, do you? I don't know.

I want to, Dave... but I just can't.

I don't wanna. I don't wanna! Shut up.

I couldn't take it anymore. We're a team. You go down, we go down.

I don't think so. Ifyou're not enrolled--

I am in the class. I'm Sam Schechter. I got hit by a fucking bus.

He's telling you the truth.

I know he is, because he got caught helping me cheat.

It's a scam. Another scam. You can't believe them.

Oh, another scam, huh? That's interesting.

Listen, Angela, we took this picture in Ethan's room.

If you don't want to be with Dave, that's fine.

You might want to avoid getting hacked up by "eyebrows" on your wedding night.

What is this? That's a little weird.

Let me see this one second. could you explain That to me?

Ethan, what is that?

A picture I let the boys--

If you think that's weird, one more thing.

This is good.

It's a hair doll.

Yeah. It's gross, right?

Hereyou go. Ethan, What is this? is this a hair doll? I didn't make that.

It fell out of your hair that way and I want it back.

-It fell out this way? I don't think so. -Give it back!

I want it back! Give it back!

You're going down! Why are you laughing?

What? you Have a cheater in your midst. Where?

You can't have her, 'cause I own her.

I'm gonna file criminal charges on all your asses.

He's holding a hair doll. I need the cheater's name.

He answers to Ethan. Ethan. here.

I had a nickname for you. Want to know what it was? I'm not gonna tell you.

All right, it was "Laser." this one right here.

Hi, Ethan. Can I see that paper?

Fine. Yes. Here, here.

Thankyou.

His name's right on there. It's David.

Okay, Ethan.

This is a copy ofthe final exam, which is what we're taking right now.

That means you're in violation of the honor code.

It's not mine.

Youj ust handed it to me.

Are you crazy? I think you're crazy.

What?

Give me that test. You are mine, motherfucker!

You guys are fucking retarded.

You know what?

Why don't you shut your mouth, you skanky-assed "bee-yatch."

Fuckyou, Cocksucker. Slut.

Shithead. Ho.

Monkey boy.

So what do you say?

Do I have a chance?

Yes.

Come here, then.

Every now and then, we're all given a perfect moment.

A moment where everything makes sense.

A moment where everything seems right andg ood... and everything's gonna be okay.

If you can be kissing a girl like Angela... in the middle of a moment like that... well, you really got it made.

The university took stern action.

We got kicked out of school.

Sam took it like a man.

I'm sorry!

I guess we all learned a life lesson, except for Jeff.

Jeff learned a different lesson.

Jeff learned how to print diplomas.

In the end, I guess I realized you can't scam when it comes to love.

But still, guys like me, Sam and Jeff... we can't scam our own natures either.

We're all still friends.

I'm still with Angela, and I've never been happier.

It's strange.

You think you got life all figured out, and it just keeps surprisingy ou.

And to think, I learned how to be a better man... from getting blackmailed by that little freak--

CooI Ethan.

I love you, but I hate you Which brings to mind how much I loveyou We could've worked this out you know In a little room ln a little locked room I'm sorry you had to settle for Dave The one-dimensional man He's filed under "cocksucker" in my little blackbook Sweetness can rot your teeth Bittersweet cacophony But you hold the key You hold the key To my little locked room You hold the key You hold the key To my little locked room Please let me Out soon

I love you.


I've never done a porno before.

Until now, bitch.