Slaughterhouse Rulez (2018) Script

(♪♪♪)


(♪♪♪)

BAT: Welcome to Slaughterhouse.

An unashamedly exclusive pillar of excellence.

No other school in England or indeed on Earth can rival our glorious surroundings.

A place at Slaughterhouse is the envy of the civilized world.

Slaughterhouse? From these hallowed fields...

Bit of a weird name for a school.

BAT: Generations of young Slaughterians have left their mark.

I went to see the headmaster yesterday.

He was very impressive. Why are you showing me this?

Don, a place has come free next term.

This never usually happens.

You know we talked about moving schools.

This is our chance.

What, at Slaughterhouse? Is this an April Fool joke?

No. I drove six hours there and back yesterday to see the headmaster.

Do I look like I'm joking?

You need to knuckle down, work hard like your dad.

Dad left school at 16, Mum.

Dad worked his bollocks off, and he never had opportunities like this.

You sit around here all day, doing bugger all, drinking pop, and playing computer games with your friends.

(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)

And you don't get up till after midday. You're depressed.

(IN LOUD VOICE) You're out of milk, Mrs. Wallace.

Thanks, Mikey. (MIKEY BELCHES)

That's what I mean. You need some new friends.

You could be rubbing shoulders with the leaders of tomorrow.

Future prime ministers, actors, spies, pop stars.

You need to learn some survival skills. Get real, Don.

Real? Mum, this ain't real.

This is just a bunch of stuck-up twats with a load of money. All right? Look.

They've got their own army. It's cadets.

You've got other fun activities too. Look. Sports, girls.

You know, it's like a very exclusive holiday camp.

BAT:... to your child's precious career.

I love you to bits... Yes! Ha, ha!

Wait a minute. I knew it. I knew you'd say yes.

Thank God because I already paid in advance.

Don't you dare go changing your mind.

What? Got your tie.

Same color as my bag. Can we talk about it?

Let's have a picture. Just gonna go get Dad.

No, don't get Dad.

Mum, leave him. He's fine.

It's all right.

BAT: Good manners, good looks, and good breeding.

(SIGHS)

Mikey!

MIKEY: Yes, Mrs. Wallace? Put your arm around Dad.

Can you take a picture, love?

BAT: At Slaughterhouse... He'd be proud of you.

BAT: ...a family that is ready to fight MIKEY: Come on, smile, you posh bastard.

BAT: ...until the bloody end.

Cry "Per caedes ad astra."

Through slaughter to immortality.

(♪♪♪)

♪ Breakin' rocks In the hot sun ♪

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

♪ I needed money 'Cause I had none ♪

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

♪ I left my baby And it feels so bad ♪

♪ I guess my race is run ♪

♪ She's the best girl That I ever had ♪

Stop worrying, darling.

You're gonna fit right in.

What are they gonna do, eat you alive?

Mum! Dad!

Love, I know it's been tough with your dad gone.

We hit bottom.

The worst is over.

Look.

You're going to school in a bloody palace.

Come here.

(SONG CONTINUES ON RECORD)

♪ Robbin' people With a six-gun ♪

(SNORTS)

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪ Can you hide something for me? Depends.

What is it?

Just this.

Ammo?

Leave it with me.Thanks.

♪ I left my baby And it feels so bad ♪

♪ I guess my race is run ♪

♪ She's the best girl That I ever had ♪

♪ I fought the law And the law won ♪ Piss off, you twats! Shut up.

Piss off.

♪ ... and the law won ♪

♪ I fought the law and... ♪

(GUN COCKS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Ah, Mr. Blake, you're in. Good man.

Mr. Houseman, sir.

I have someone I'd like you to meet. Come in, Don.

This is your new study, and this is Willoughby, your new roommate.

Will, this is Don Wallace, our new Spartan.

Welcome to hell.

Dab of snuff?

(ADULTS CHUCKLE)

Will's a bit of a legend in Sparta.

Takes one to know one, eh?

Will's part of a long line of Spartans that really left their mark.

This is your desk where you shall be spending many a happy hour, I'm sure, studying away like a little beaver.

Or looking out the window, that's what I did. Ha, ha.

Um, you got your schoolbook? That's got everything in there.

Maps, school history, secret tunnels and whatnot.

Ooh! Bloody heck. Says "Viscount."

Viscount Seymour.

Is that you, lovey, you a viscount?

No. No, that boy is, um... no longer with us, unfortunately.

Damn it, I thought I gave you orders to clear out Seymour's stuff.

How much of it is left?

Right, well, um, ahem, if you'll excuse me, uh, I should... Need to have a word with Matron. Ahem.

(♪♪♪)

So did you know him, the viscount?

He was my roommate.

Why'd he leave? I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to say.

But you'll find out soon enough.

Right, well, I'll let you get settled in.

It's very nice to meet you, Will.

I have a feeling you two are gonna get on like a house on fire.

Remember what I said, Don.

(GUN COCKS)

Well, then.

Here you are, two years stuck in a box.

With me.

(GUN FIRES)

(♪♪♪)

(CROWS CAWING)

(METALLIC CLANGING)

Sparta dogs, assembly.

Come on. God's sake, Wootton.

Now, keep it moving at the back.

Heads down, say nothing to anyone.

BABS: You go in there with your head held high and just be yourself.

You belong here.

And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(♪♪♪)

Excuse me.

You dropped this.

Oh. Thanks.

What are those, selfies?

I don't think you belong here, do you?

Sorry?

You're standing in the girls' house.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, uh...

Sorry, I didn't realize.

Everyone stands in their houses.

This is Andromeda. It's the newest house, just for girls.

That's Xenephon, it's full of scholars and brain boxes.

All super smart, but none of them can beat my friend Kay at chess.

(BELL DINGS) (ALL GROAN)

Olympus is all jocks and rugger buggers.

The school's superstars.

And then there's Sparta.

Which is... Well, it's...

Um...

I think that's you.

Yeah, thanks.

(STICK WHOOSHES)

What the hell are you doing?

Me? I was just... Talking to Upper Sixth?

Upper Six... Who's Upper Sixth?

I am.

Matthew Clegg, and so is she.

She's Matthew Clegg?

(CHUCKLES) No, no.

You don't look at Upper Sixth, let alone speak to them.

I mean, I was just... You're speaking.

And looking.

Good.

Now keep your eyes on the floor, and go and stand with your house.

CASPAR: Order.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, dear.

You've upset Cleggy.

That's not a good start.

Comes from a long line of war criminals.

--not be excused from games.Slacker.

Now, listen up.

Caspar de Brunose. Head of school.

Till further notice, bathing in the lakes is strictly forbidden and the woods are completely out of bounds to all those who do not wish to suffer a slow and painful death.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

VOICEMAIL: You have no new messages.

Repeat saved message.

AUDREY (ON VOICEMAIL): Hey, it's Audrey. I'm in Africa.

And guess what I just found in my suitcase.

Your old cricket jumper.

Sweetie, it even smells of you.

Chin up, okay? Stay strong, this is gonna be a great year for you.

A great year. CLEGG: Silence!

For the head.

(♪♪♪)

(WHISPERING) What's all this?

This is The Bat.

Boys, welcome.

Welcome back.

(COUGHS)

And girls, of course. Of course.

Welcome all back to Slaughterhouse.

Our school is home from home.

Now, when I arrived last year, I promised to shake things up a bit.

Get Slaughterhouse back on track, make our school great again.

A family of proud Slaughterians.

Don't forget, I once stood where you are now.

Long ago.

In a galaxy far, far away. (SNICKERS)

There are those out there who would like to see us fail.

Oh, yes. We know about them.

Their lies, their gossip, their envy.

But I say, bring it on!

We'll show them what we're made of.

We'll show them our guts.

Cry "Per caedes ad astra."

Through slaughter to immortality!

Three cheers for the head.

ALL: Hip, hip, hooray.

Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray.

AUDREY: Sweetie, it even smells of you.

Chin up, okay? Stay strong, this is gonna be a great year for you.

(WHOOSHING) (GASPS)

What the devil?

Frack attack!

Danger, toxic gas! Clear the area.

Smell the gas, smell the bullshit.

Tell us what's going on in the woods.

Why are you shitting on your own doorstep?

HEDGER: Eco Doomsday. Take a leaflet.

BOY: Out you go. You.

--contaminating this whole area.

Hey, get off. This is genius.

Is this Woody's idea? I'm just a messenger.

Wake up! Your house is on fire!

Who let the frackers into the school?

He did! And we know why.

Thank you, off you go.

Back off. I'm not one of you.

I don't need to take any of your public-schoolboy crap.

(GRUNTS) Uh-oh.

(BONES CRACK) (SCREAMS)

CLEGG: You dare assault a prefect!

(RED DREADS SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)

Well, there you have it.

Our enemies are on the doorstep.

Holy shit. LAMBERT: Lost, are we, sir?

School's that way.

Yes, I'm perfectly aware... Jesus.

(FIRE ROARING)

You're awfully bloody close, aren't you?

You're practically on the cricket pitch.

Get your pads on, then, boss.

Woods are out of bounds from the start of term.

This fracking tower is now fully operational.

Yes. Yes, I knew about the fracking, I just didn't expect it to be so big.

BUTLER: That's what all the girls say, isn't it, lads?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yes, he did. Yes, he did. Carry on. Ahem.

LAMBERT: Tea break's over, lads. BUTLER: Let's make some money.

(♪♪♪)

Energy production will always be contentious.

But fracking is the future, and...

(RED DREADS SCREAMING)

And thanks to the wonders of shale gas, which exists in abundance beneath our school, we can finally build our dry ski slope and the long overdue prefect spa.

(DOOR OPENS)

CLEGG: In the words of Emperor Caligula:

"Let them hate."

Yes, quite. "So long as they fear us."

(GUN COCKS)

(♪♪♪)

Oh! Meredith. Yes.

I heard you were out jogging.

Didn't you get my note about the no-go areas?

Uh, yes, sorry about that, headmaster.

Be assured my prefects have been instructed, and the area's been locked down.

Good, good.

Now's not the time for the boys to be slipping off to the old haunts.

The woods, the lakes.

Ciggies and tongue sandwiches. That sort of thing.

Perish the thought, headmaster.

And how are things with you, Meredith?

You seemed rather upset taking Audrey to the airport.

Oh, I was just, uh, a bit sorry to see her go, headmaster. Uh...

She was quite a loss to the school.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't sweat it, Meredith.

You had a school romance, delicious while it lasts, but you know, these things always end up in a bloody mess.

The only couple I know still going strong are me and Mr. Chips.

(CHUCKLES) Isn't that right, Chippy?

(BOTH BARKING)

(LAUGHS) Come on, Chippy!

Let's get some fresh air.

(♪♪♪)

MAN (ON PA): Cleanup team to the Portaloos.

That's cleanup team to the Portaloos.

Right.

Talk to me.

What have you got? Some underground cave system.

No wonder that bloody sinkhole appeared, leads straight down there.

I've checked the readings, it's still full of gas.

Bingo. We've hit the mother lode.

Send down the pipe and suck it up.

Pump. Ooh. Oh, baby.

You know the drill.

COMPUTER VOICE: Seismic observance on level G17.

Mr. Lambert.

There's something down there in them tunnels.

Look.

It's moving.

Bollocks. I wouldn't worry about that, Butler.

Probably just some moles.

Pump at will.

HOUSEMAN: Yeah, I was... I was just saying, I...

I've made a terrible mistake.

Audrey?

Angel?

Audrey? Meredith?

I'm listening. I was just saying, I...

I should've come with you. Oh, sweetie.

Sparta needs you.

After what happened last term.

What was I thinking? Come on.

Hey.

We had fun times.

We had good times there, but Sparta's your life, you know?

No, no.

You're my life.

My love, all I want is to be with you.

In South Sudan?

If I can find a replacement coach for the under sixteens, then yes. I'll buy a plane ticket.

Audrey? Yeah. Okay. Ha, ha.

Is everything all right? Who's...? Who's that?

That's Dr. Francois, he wants me...

Needs me to assist him.

That's all we do here. We're at it all day long.

Nonstop. Ha, ha.

Saving children?

It's so deeply fulfilling.

(GUNSHOTS)

Yeah, sorry, sweetie, that's, um...

Rebel fighters must be back. I have to go.

Audrey, please, don't go.

BOY: Mr. Houseman, sir, you're needed.

MATRON: Keep still, you little bugger.

(♪♪♪)

Why did Miss Audrey leave?

You're not going to get a hard-on to that.

In my kingdom, we banned fracking.

Can poison all the water. Also causes earthquakes.

Earthquakes? YURI: And sinkholes.

DON: Says here that there were 600 earthquakes in Oklahoma last year.

Good. Hopefully the fucking school will fall down.

Lights in 10.

All right, Chibwe, that's confiscated.

No electronic devices in the dorm.

You, whatever your name is, into bed.

Yes, sir. It's Wallace.

As in William.

As in Braveheart.

Blake, explain to me.

Why are you such a fucking ponce?

You don't even play rugby.

"Never touch the balls," it's my motto.

Besides...

I'm unwell.

Sick note. How did you get that?

Suck off the doctor? It was only a hand job.

(ALL CHUCKLE) HOUSEMAN: Sparta!

Stop what you're doing, house meeting now.

Move it.

Whose idea of a sick joke was this?

Hmm?

Somebody hung this tie from a beam in the downstairs lavatory and I want to know who the heck it was.

Oh, you think this is funny, do you, Hargreaves?

Well, I find it deeply offensive.

Really.

Who could do such a thing? Come on, own up.

I want to know who it was.

Was it you? You?

Well, I am most upset.

And I'm very disappointed.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Well, I hope this doesn't cast a shadow over the whole house, Sparta, I really do.

If anybody knows anything about this, they better come forward.

(♪♪♪)

Head back to your dormitories. Now.

BELLO: Lights out in three minutes.

What's all that about?

The boy who had your bed.

Viscount?

He died last term.

Hung himself in the downstairs bogs with a school tie.

Welcome to Slaughterhouse.

(♪♪♪)

BOY 1: Lights out! BOY 2: Lights out! Lights!

BOY 3: Lights out. BOY 4: Lights out.

BOY 1: No running in the corridor!

BABS: He's watching over you, Don.

You should take comfort in that.

Don't forget how hard Dad worked to get us here.

This was his dream.

Life's gonna get better from now.

But you've got to believe that.

You do believe that, don't you?

HOUSEMAN: Don?

Don? Mr. Wallace.

Are you with us?

Splendid.

Class, I'm afraid Mr. Prigg will be unable to teach Latin today, or indeed, ever again, because he passed away in the holidays.

He died here.

Alone.

But it was a good innings.

Uh, I will be filling his shoes until they can find a suitable replacement.

Now, I have to confess, I'm not the world's greatest Latin scholar.

It's been a while, but, uh, tempus fugit, as they say. Um...

Page 108, sir. Yes, yes.

(SPEAKING IN LATIN)

(IN ENGLISH) By the power of witches?

Yes. Why don't you read, Bartlett?

"At that moment, as I recall the earth yawned open by the power of witchcraft."

(BELL DINGS)

Name three famous old Slaughterians.

Marquis de Sade, Jack the Ripper, Piers Morgan.

Don't piss about, Wootton. Sorry, Hargreaves!

When was Slaughter Hall built? 1770.

No, that's the year the school was founded.

The original hall was built in 1334.

Fuck this. School motto.

"Per caedes ad astra" What does it mean?

"Never knowingly undersold"? Oh, you twat.

"Take it like a man"? "Give us your cash."

You had three weeks to learn this.

Sorry, Hargreaves.

If you're not word perfect when Clegg tests you, you're gonna get feathered, and we're both gonna get grounded.

BARTLETT: "I caught a glimpse of hell deep below.

And of Cerberus waiting to make a meal of me."

Ah, now, Cerberus, the three-headed hound of Hades.

Makes life hell for the postman. Ha, ha.

Get on with it, Bartlett.

It's all there in the school myth.

Legend has it that a wandering knight returned from the Crusades, and with the help of his faithful dog, slayed a mythical beast that was terrorizing the village of Upper Slaughter.

In return, he was gifted this land and the title First Earl of Slaughter.

Hence the motto...

"Through slaughter to immorality."

Immortality.

BARTLETT: "I believe the witch did not spare my throat in pity but in a spirit of sadism." (RUMBLING)

(WHIRRING)

Preparing to evacuate.

Hopefully.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

CHIBWE: "... whom thou didst falsely affirm

"to be slain by me this night.

"And therewithal, "I embraced my friend, Socrates, and kissed him.

But he, smelling the stink of the pissing..."

DON: What's the point in learning a dead language anyway?

Hey, Will, who was the blond girl in the tennis gear outside?

I met her yesterday. She's a goddess.

She's fit is what she is. What's her name?

Clemsie.

Clemsie Lawrence.

But it's not worth it. Why not?

(GROANS) CASPAR: Oh, no.

How unfortunate.

Total accident.

Next time, watch where you're looking.

(SMUDGER CHUCKLES)

I don't think it's bust, just mashed. Heh.

I'm Smudger.

No hard feelings, yeah?

Coolio. Wait till you're a god.

(♪♪♪)

Look. This is the school pecking order.

We have Clemsie Lawrence drinking nectar with the gods at the Arcadian orgy.

And then down...

(WHISTLES)

--at the bottom in hell, you have Wootton.

Who's Wootton? That's Wootton.

Hello. You all right?

You have gods and dogs, heaven and hell.

And somewhere in the middle, we have...

Why am I a limp cock?

Because, Ducky, someday, you may well be a god.

Until then, you have to wait your turn.

No, no, no. This is bollocks, mate.

Bollocks. I'm in love.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You guys can laugh, but I ain't part of your pecking order.

(CHANTING) One of us. One of us.

Everybody says that. They all sell out by the Upper Sixth.

YURI: Think of the orgies, man.

This Sixth Form orgy is a myth. But I must have hope.

Wallace, you want to take Clemsie Lawrence to orgy, practice your Latin conjugations.

(BOTH SPEAKING LATIN)

Ah.

A penis.

I wonder who drew that.

What were you talking about in here?

Nothing. Well, excuse me...

Wallace.

Cocky little shit thinks he's got a chance with Clemsie Lawrence.

Honestly, Matt, we were just...

Sanctions.

All week, starting tomorrow at 5 a.m.

And don't thank me. Thank Wallace here.

(KNOCKS) Everybody out.

Stop loafing around. This is a school, not a fucking holiday camp.

Wootton, if you fail the house test again, you will be feathered.

All right. You're free to go.

(♪♪♪)

(ALARM BEEPING)

Audrey!

MAN (ON RADIO): Good morning, Gloucestershire.

And got a request now.

CLEGG: Move it, gentlemen! Keep up the pace.

Blake, keep running!

Hup, hup, hup, hup!

Jump it. Jump it.

Jump it.

What the fuck is that?

(PANTING)

(SIGHS)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Well, are you enjoying it?

Are you enjoying the privilege of your private school education?

Five generations of Cleggs have given their lives to places like this.

Fucking plebeian.

Trying to buy your way in.

The only connection you'll make around here is with my boot.

Blake, stop fucking mincing!

Get him out, Wallace.

What? Your roommate, your problem.

Come on, Will. CLEGG: Chibwe, Bolotnikov.

Top of the hill, then you can go.

Come on. One mile back to school.

Breakfast ends in 20 minutes.

Good luck with that one, Wallace.

Hup, hup, hup!

Go, go, go!

Hey. CLEGG: Over the bridge!

(BOTH GROANING AND PANTING)

(GROANS)

Christ. Is that you?

No. It's the school tunnels.

Whole world of shit down there.

Yeah, it smells like it. You still hungry?

Yeah. Yeah?

I know a shortcut.

It's through the woods.

DON: You call this a shortcut?

This place is massive.

Whose idea was it to have a school in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere?

Um... The parents, probably.

DON: Admit it. You're lost, aren't you?

WILLOUGHBY: Now, now, Ducky, I'm not lost.

Would you stop calling me "Ducky"?

Your name is Donald.

I don't care if my name's Daffy.

(♪♪♪)

(SIREN WAILING)

DON: Shit. It's the frackers. Hide.

Hey.

Look at this.

A sinkhole.

Damn.

Why didn't this happen under the maths block?

Oh!

(ALARM BEEPING)

Intruder alert.

A couple of posh little fuckers.

Let's see.

Let's see how deep it is.

(THUDS)

(BOTH GROANING)

Christ, mate. Fuck me.

It's that smell again.

Oh, that ain't no drain.

No shite smells that bad.

Look at this.

Must be some sort of evil gas. Put it away.

That's mine. I don't care.

There's gas there. Give it back.

You're gonna get us killed, Willoughby!

Shall we?

Oh, you're a bad man.

That's why they pay me the big bucks.

I'm not kidding.

Someone bequeathed that to me.

What? It was a gift from a good friend. Give it back...

(SIREN WAILING)

LAMBERT: Attention. Attention.

We have you surrounded.

Do not try to escape.

DON: Run!

(MIMICKING GUNSHOTS)

(CHUCKLES, CONTINUES MIMICKING GUNSHOTS)

(BOTH PANTING)

I thought you were sick.

You run like a bloody gazelle. With asthma.

I think we're safe. WOODY: What are you doing here?

(BOTH SCREAM)

I'm sorry. Did the mask of truth frighten you?

It does that sometimes.

You the boys that want to buy some drugs?

Huh?

I've got some black ash. I've got some charas.

I've got some Mandy, ecstasy.

I've got some acid. I've got some mushrooms!

(ALL CHEERING)

No, no. We're just, um...

Just like... Yeah, there's a hole.

It's a big hole.Fracking.

BOTH: Fracking. Yeah.

We're just seeing what they're up to.

You were wondering what they were up to.

Wondering what they're up to.

They were wondering what they're up to.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'll tell you what they're up to, big boy.

They're unleashing hell.

What do you mean?

What do I mean? What does thou mean?

(ALL LAUGH)

I'll tell you what I mean. I mean, over there is a super-massive frack hole.

And holes like that, they don't open up for no reason.

They're the product of evil men.

Fracking Mother Nature.

Pimping her, poisoning her.

Pumping her with their rock-hard, toxic cocks.

People don't want it. Farmers don't want it.

The only people that do want it are the unelected imperialist elite that is Terrafrack.

Yeah. MAN: Privileged pricks!

We know what they are. They're bullies.

And what better place to learn bullying than here at an English public school.

The CEO of Terrafrack and your headmaster, they're school chums from back in the day. Ooh!

I don't think they knew. They didn't know. See this?

Old school tie.

Yeah? Wake up.

It's how the system works.

I bet your dads know all about that.

What are they? A couple of bankers?

No, come on. Tell us. What are they in?

Property? Hedge funds?

Insurance? Recycling.

What? You mean, like recycling waste?

Yeah, he takes other people's shit and turns it into cash.

That's funny. Pretty sure my old man does the exact opposite.

Oh, well, pity, it's all going to shit in the end.

Shit we'll end up eating. Ha-ha-ha.

This ain't a fucking joke, boys.

Huh? We are all gonna eat karma for this. Join the dots.

Wars.

Droughts.

Famine.

Plague.

That's why we're here.

ALL: Yeah! Knee-deep in shit.

ALL: Yeah! No flushing latrine.

ALL: Yeah! Don't cheer that one.

Because we know that hole, it ain't no mundane chasm.

It's a portal.

A gateway.

It leads straight down to hell.

Now, who wants to buy some drugs?

Get them some drugs.

We're all gonna die soon. Go out with a bang. Kaboom!

(♪♪♪)

(GASPS, PANTING)

(GROANING IN DISTANCE)

(♪♪♪)

Hello? Is someone out of bed?

(GRUNTING)

(SQUEAKING)


This place is creeping me out.

I'm suffocating. BABS: Don't be daft.

You're overemotional.

I'm not being overemotional. I'm tired, all right?

I haven't slept in fucking weeks.

BABS: All right, Don. Calm down.

You're coming home this weekend.

We can talk about it then.

And you can always text me.

I can't text because this prefect's taken my phone.

BABS: What do you mean, your phone?

(CRYING) Mum...

Sorry.

I let you and Dad down, I know.

BABS: You did not let Dad down or me.

I don't belong here.

BABS: Of course, you do.

I wanna come home now.

Do you fucking mind? Oh!

Sorry. We thought you were someone else.

Calling child helpline?

BABS: Don?

Don? Don? No, no. It's my mum.

She misses me. BABS: Don, what's going on?

Speak to me. I told you, Mum. No.

I'm fine, all right? BABS: What?

I'm fine. I'll see you soon. BABS: You weren't fine.

BABS: Don, don't... No, no. Bye, bye.

She's, uh, worried about me, you know?

Keep telling her to chill out, but apparently it's much worse at Eton.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, sorry we interrupted you.

Why don't you come with us? We're going to smokers' corner.

But, um, we haven't got a light.

Uh...

Yeah.

Ladies, lead the way.

(MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY)

Ah. Ahem.

I was just, uh...

Amazing grass.

Yeah.

Yes, the, uh... The cricket pitch, just cut to perfection.

Good job, lads.

Fucking fascists.

DON: This is smokers' corner?

Beats the back of the bike sheds, this, doesn't it?

No wonder everyone here smokes.

You're so northern.

It's true, though, isn't it?

This is what our parents are really paying for: nice buildings, traditions.

Fucking prime ministers, all that bollocks.

It's a breeding ground.

Breeding what?

Think how many of our world leaders spend their formative years like this.

That is fucking scary.

Some don't make it, though, do they?

Like that viscount kid. The one who hung himself.

Oh, yeah.

Seymour.

I think he got badly bullied.

A hard time being gay.

Got on the wrong side of Matty Clegg.

DON: Why? What happened?

CLEMSIE: Matty caught him and another boy in the boathouse after dark.

Clegg told the parents.

Bastard.

All got brushed under the carpet, of course.

Everyone says, "Just be yourself."

But nobody tells you how hard it is.

Especially around here.

You seem to be doing all right, though.

Always smiling.

(CHUCKLES)

I am when I see you.

Clemsie, I'm glad... You dare talk to a Sixth Former?

Fucking hell. Oh, my God.

Having a cheeky fag, are we?

Where was my invite?

And, Don, where's my lighter?

(FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING)

Clegg! Clegg! He's on the warpath with his cadets.

DON: Cadets? What? KAY: Run, run, run. Go!

SMUDGER: Who's got a ciggie? Not now, Smudge. Go, go.

(♪♪♪)

CLEGG: Halt!

Halt!

WILLOUGHBY: Look out!

We know you've been smoking.

Empty your pockets. DON: Run!

WILLOUGHBY: Fuck.

(GUNS COCKING)

(WHISTLING)

Bang.

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

(EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE) (GASPS)

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

BUTLER: Shall I get that, boss?

LAMBERT: No. It'll only be the headmaster.

Fussing about the methane leak.

BUTLER: Methane leak?

(BUTLER FARTING)

(GROANS)

That's a methane leak.

LAMBERT: Asshole.

(LINE RINGING)

Yes, uh, and you're quite sure there's no danger?

Very good, very good.

Even so, I'd like to voice my concerns with your superior.

(BARKING)

Yeah, well, please do ask him to give me a call.

Here.

He's very protective of me. Aren't you, Mr. Chips?

The authorities, headmaster, they, uh, been able to shed any light?

It's nothing. Simple gas leak.

Thank goodness. Yes, thank goodness.

A gas leak? Headmaster. Sounds rather...

Just a small one, Meredith. Nothing to worry about.

Headmaster, it was a lake of fire.

Yes, well, uh, that is the methane, you see, uh, leaking out of the ground.

Ahem. The chaps at Terrafrack say it's all quite normal.

And they are the experts, after all.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

What is it now, Tomkinson?

Another champagne hamper, sir, from Terrafrack.

Thank you, Tomkinson. Thank you.

So this is all fracking related?

Meredith, the substructure of Slaughter Hall is hundreds of years old.

I mean, we have some very leaky drains here, very old tunnels.

Ancient, in fact.

Speaking of Matron. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) This took us a bit by surprise is all.

Look, it is rather concerning, headmaster, don't you agree?

Yes.

Yes, it is.

Which is all the more reason why I...

I cannot have boys smoking in such a potentially highly-flammable environment. I mean, ooh.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Ah. I must take this, headmaster, if you don't mind. It's rather urgent.

Audrey, darling. I can hear you, but I can't see you.

Out of his league. Now, look, boys, boys, boys.

You're both too young, too bright, and quite frankly, too darn handsome to be polluting your bodies in such a reckless fashion.

I don't want to start thrashing pupils like it's the good old days.

But it's clear to me that you do need some correcting.

I am going to telephone your parents and ask that you not return home tomorrow for the Exeat Weekend. Instead, you will remain here and perform sanctions with your house god.

Who's at Sparta this weekend? I am, sir.

BAT: Mm. Good. Well, now try and use this as a...

Bello, what's up? What's up?

Bello. Cool.

Two more names to go on there.

Blake, Wallace.

Tomorrow morning, 5 a.m. In your games kit. Be prepared.

(♪♪♪)

(BEEPING)

SMUDGER: Clemsie, you're Upper Sixth.

You can't be seen talking to Blake and his oiky roommate.

I'll speak to whom I bloody well like.

This place is a joke.

I'll be a joke if the chaps hear about it.

I'm being made a god.

I've been dreaming about this weekend ever since I got here.

What's up, Woots? Hello.

Did you pass the test yet? What does it look like?

Look, Clemsie.

I need you there by my side when I'm anointed by the head boy.

It's not my scene, a bunch of dickheads wanking each other off.

This is your night.

Smudge. Look.

Doesn't mean I don't love you.

(COUGHS)

Ugh. Snuff.

Cheer up, Ducky.

I mean, it's not all that bad.

At least you've got me.

So not going home, then?

We'd thought you'd be grounded. Tough luck, boys.

Going home for the weekend?

To Hong Kong? Don't be ridiculous.

I'm in a chess tournament in Beijing.

Really? When? Five minutes. Better run.

Hey, Don. You could always hook up with Clemsie.

Clemsie? KAY: She's staying too.

Oh, my God.

She's here.

A weekend alone in paradise with Clemsie Lawrence.

Come on, Ducky. Grow up.

She's Clemsie Lawrence of Belgravia.

Who the hell are you?

Thanks, mate. Just being honest.

Good. It's about time, isn't it?

You haven't told me nowt about this place, Will.

You didn't even tell me Seymour was bullied, or why he hung himself.

That's none of your business. None of my business?

I sleep in his fucking bed, Will.

Someone died and you act like you don't even care.

You're supposed to be my roommate.

Thanks a lot.

No wonder he fucking topped himself.

Go and do some snuff, you weirdo.

(♪♪♪)

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

WOOTTON: I'm sorry I failed the test. Please, Mummy.

Let me come home.

I promise not to be a nuisance to you and Steve.

No, please.

Mum?

♪ Separation ♪

♪ All this quiet desolation ♪

♪ I am burning up inside ♪

♪ I don't know my own mind ♪

♪ Feels like I could disappear ♪

♪ Feels like I was never here ♪

♪ But I'd keep it to myself ♪

♪ 'Cause there's not A hope in hell ♪

♪ Now the moon Calls your name ♪

♪ The sun's a burning flame ♪

♪ So I crawled Among the shadows ♪

♪ And hollered out in pain ♪ HARGREAVES: Happy bloody weekend.

♪ I gave up my sole position ♪

♪ I gave up on asking why ♪

♪ Why, why, why ♪

♪ Baby, goodbye ♪

WILLOUGHBY: That's none of your business.

None of my business?

HOUSEMAN: Whose idea of a sick joke was this?

I want to know. Own up. I think he was badly bullied.

...he was badly bullied.

WILLOUGHBY: He was my roommate.

You? Your roommate, your problem.

HOUSEMAN: You? He was my roommate.

DON: I sleep in his fucking bed, Will.

HOUSEMAN: Own up.

Was it you? You?

You'll find out soon enough. HOUSEMAN: You?

(SCRATCHES)

(PANTING)

Oh. Fucking prick.

Nearly bloody killed me.

Oh, my...

You're a bloody drama queen. You know that?

Oh, my...

I'm sorry for what I said, mate. All right? You're not that bad.

Life ain't that bad. Yes, it fucking is.

(MUSIC PLAYING FAINTLY)

Is that what you're leaving me? Your snuff box?

Did you bequeath it to me? (CHUCKLES)

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

(CRYING)

You've got years of snorting tobacco ahead of you. Years.

All right? You're not him, Will.

You're not Seymour.

He was all that I had. Yeah, but then rage, all right?

Rage against the...

Machine? Dying of the light.

Whatever. The point is, you've hit the bottom, all right?

But you're on the way up. Things can only get better.

It can't get any darker now.

HOUSEMAN: Don't tell me you've found someone else.

(SIGHS) Meredith.

You know I have.

(CRYING)

This is Ibrahim.

How can I just leave him and come back?

Well, can't you bring him with you?

Hey, Ib.

Hello, little man.

Do you like cricket? Meredith.

(RUMBLING)

(♪♪♪)

(PEOPLE SINGING OPERA)

WOOTTON: Hargreaves!

(LAUGHS)

All right, everybody gather around.

Better do a body count.

One, two... three, four, fag...

...six.And Bello's in the bath.

Seven.

There's no power anywhere. Blackout for miles.

Everybody sits tight until I've gathered intel.

Matron, take some candles up to the headmaster.

Lock up behind you. Nobody leaves Sparta.

Um, Clegg.

Where's Meredith?

Mr. Houseman is not feeling well.

He's taken to bed.

I'm in charge now.

(ROARING NEARBY)

What was that?

(ROARING CONTINUES)

No, the shafts have completely failed.

It's only an earthquake. It's an occupational hazard.

Boss, look at this.

Those things, whatever they are, they're out.

"Out"?

The shafts are blown. There is no way.

The sinkhole. The sinkhole.

(ROARING IN DISTANCE)

(♪♪♪)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

In Xanadu did Kublai Khan a pleasure dome erect. Ha, ha.

Boss, we've gotta go.

We need to evacuate. It's doomsday.

You don't wanna stay for dinner?

Turns out these little babies, they love fracking.

It's made them fucking bonkers.

You're off your fucking tits.

I'm out. Where you going?

They don't wanna bite you.

HEDGER: Evacuate! Come on! Let's go!

You're not gonna bite him, are you?

(SIREN WAILING)

What the hell is going on?

(ROARING)

Fuck me. Who's got a weapon?

Give me that fucking Taser.

You know how to use that?

Hey, watch out... Aah!

Oh, sorry. No, sorry.

Sorry.

Should we tell the headmaster?

Sod the headmaster. Where's the bloody choppers?

We need choppers.

Got that? I repeat...

(SNARLING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

Chopper!

Chopper!

The Portaloo! The fucking bogs!

(SCREAMING)

HEDGER: Evacuate!

Fuck me, these mushrooms are strong.

HEDGER: Everyone, we gotta leave!

(MONSTER GROWLING)

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

It's the sound again.

They're back.

Teddy, stay put. I'm gonna come and get you.

(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)

No.

No. It's a dragon!

(EXPLOSION)

Sounds like there's a war going on out there.

Maybe the frack hole's blown up.

Sorry for putting you through all that.

I'm such a tit.

Don't be daft.

You just can't handle your drink.

Sod this.

Where are you going?

Think I'll take a look.

Don't tell Cleggy.

Fuck Clegg.

Come on, duck. Let's have some fun.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

♪ Zadok, the Priest ♪

♪ And Nathan, the Prophet ♪

♪ Anointed... ♪

(CLEGG SCREAMING)

♪ ...Solomon king ♪ DON: Think I figured it out. Figured what out?

The guy in the forest with the beard.

Prophet of doom. He's an old Slaughterian.

How do you know?

DON: I did a bit of digging.

His name's Woodrow Chapman.

WILLOUGHBY: Wait. Woody Chapman?

Why? Do you know him? He's the school legend.

He's the big brother of Teddy Chapman.

The plaque in the basement.

Chapman. WILLOUGHBY: That's Teddy.

He and Woody were trying to escape, but he disappeared down in the tunnels.

They've been sealed ever since.

What happened?

Well, that, my friend... is the most terrifying story of them all.

KAY: Aah! Was ist das? What?

Two little schoolboys.Clemsie. Kay.

(BOTH LAUGHING) Queen of cunts.

What are you doing?

CLEMSIE: We're going to investigate.

And you're the backup.

All right.

KAY: I can't drink any more of that.

(LAUGHING)

Pretend it's the end of the world.

We're all that's left of humanity.

There's no need to pretend, darling.

We'll soon be eating each other. We're all going to die...

(♪♪♪)

DON: Told you there was a war going on.

CLEMSIE: What is this place?

WILLOUGHBY: The anti-frack camp.

They have a Chinook? They've got power over there.

(♪♪♪)

(STATIC CRACKLING OVER RADIO)

Right, mate. We need to call the police.

The police?

(CREATURE ROARING IN DISTANCE)

What was that? DON: Hello?

It was a fox.

A fox? KAY: Over here.

(CROAKING)

Well, it's a... What the hell is it?

It's a... It's fucking ugly.

It's got a snaggletooth.

That thing needs to see a fucking dentist.

CLEMSIE: Guys, don't be mean.

It looks kind of cute.

Cute?

CLEMSIE: Yeah.

Yee. Hey, little baby.

Where's your mummy?

(ALL SHOUTING)

(CREATURE CHITTERING)

DON: Clemsie!

CLEMSIE: Get it off me!

DON: Clemsie, no! No, Clemsie, watch out.

There's a sinkhole. Clemsie! I've got you.

CLEMSIE: Get the fuck off me!

(CLEMSIE SHOUTING)

The ecstasy of death.

You okay?

You're all right, Clemsie.Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, yeah.

You killed it. Give Boadicea a fag.

(MONSTER ROARING) (ALL SHOUT)

It's old foxy again.

Will you stop saying it's a fucking fox?

It's clearly not a fox, is it, Willoughby?

(YELPS)

All right, Wootton. Death beckons.

Your move.

So let me see.

I'd like to summon a demon, please, Hargreaves.

You would, would you? Just like that.

Bring the darkness.

But I'm a necromancer. You're a dick. Roll 20.

If you miss, you die.

That's tyranny! That's the rules, bitch.

Twenty.

You know, Hargreaves, one day I'll be a god, and then I'm gonna fucking... I can't quite see you at the Arcadian orgy somehow.

You're perfect sex-god material? Fuck off.

What is an orgy, anyway?

For fuck's sake, would you just roll, please?

Twenty or death.

(WOOTTON CHUCKLES)

(CREATURE GROWLING IN DISTANCE)

What's that sound?

What's that smell?

Ugh. Hargreaves, Jesus! Ha-ha-ha.

That's evil. Talk about summoning the dead.

(RINGING DOORBELL) Fuck's sake, come on.

Good grief.

What's all this? Why are you exposing yourself?

Oh, sorry, sir.

There's something you need to see.

BAT: What is it? Someone's head? Ha, ha.

DON: Not just a head, sir.

It's a whole body.

Mm.

Well, goodness.

I am intrigued.

Dear God.

This looks like Tuesday's pudding.

Bit of custard on it, be nice.

Uh, sir, it attacked Clemsie.

I'm afraid I had to kill it.

Sir, if you look closely, you can still make out the jaw.

See? They're carnassial teeth, clearly visible.

It's a carnivore.

I think quite possibly a rare or even undiscovered subterranean subspecies.

Aah! DON: God.

Well, fascinating.

Thank you, Matron.

Thank God for rat poison.

I'll tell the ground staff on Monday.

CLEMSIE: Sir, this is way beyond rats.

You need to call the police now.

The police?

Clemsie, this is a school matter.

We're not bothering the rozzers.

Sir, we've been to the frack site.

BAT: No, no, no.

No, Mr. Spray and the ground staff will see to the vermin on Monday.

Ahem. Now... in the meantime, I'm going to have to notify your parents.

What? BAT: I can't have pupils wandering about in the middle of the night after orders...

Are you serious? In the forest.

An area you all knew was strictly out of bounds.

No! This is what you're going to do.

You're going to put us in the car... and you're going to drive us to the nearest police station right fucking now...

...sir.

(CREATURE GROWLING IN DISTANCE)

BAT: What exactly...? There's something in the woods.

Uh, do you have your car keys, sir?

Only I think we should probably be getting off fairly soon-ish.

(CREATURE GROWLING)

(SHOUTS)

Anybody seen Blake or Wallace? No, Clegg.

Stand up straight when you speak to a house god.

And you take off those fucking ears now.

Nobody leaves.

BAT: Keys, keys, keys.

Ah. Presto. Thank God, let's go.

Wait. There won't be enough room in the car.

Who's gonna stay and hold the fort?

Lawrence, you're Upper Sixth.

If anyone's staying, it should be you.

Don't be ridiculous, I'm driving.

You're the one responsible.

You and your dodgy frack buddies.

Now, just you jolly well hold on.

She's right, though, isn't she? Your boy in the wood told us.

You and Terrafrack. Oh, dear.

I fear you have been poisoned by the ravings of a lunatic.

He's not mad. He's... BAT: My old roommate.

Class of '88.

Old school tie.

Yeah? Wake up. Ha-ha-ha.

What's Woody been telling you, eh?

There's a sinister evil lurking beneath our school?

He's been playing the same old record since he was 14.

Now, look, boys, boys. Ahem.

I get it. And girls.

The world's a bloody mess, and you want someone to blame.

But the truth is, there is nothing dodgy about Terrafrack.

They are a heavily regulated and highly reputable energy supplier.

And without their help... we simply do not have the funds to maintain our school. Fact.

(BARKING)

Don't try and stop me, Chippy.

While we're talking about facts, I am getting sick to death... of this endless scaremongering about hydraulic fracking.

There is no danger.

There is no risk. The only genuine risk... is of a bankrupt United Kingdom with no affordable energy.

Or worse, energy entirely dependent on China!

Well, by golly... you may not care about this country of ours... but I'm not giving up without a fight.

We are drilling for shale gas if it's the last thing we...

Podge! There's a big dog.

(CREATURE ROARING) (MATRON SCREAMING)

(♪♪♪)

(CREATURE ROARING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(BARKING CONTINUES)

(CREATURE ROARS) (OBJECT CRASHES)

To the Skoda!

(♪♪♪)

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

Open it.

Damn, it's a rental, you see. The Jag's got a flat.

Are you serious? Try again, open the door!

You're pressing the wrong button. Give that to me.

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

How did you do that?

Fuck's sake, just get in and drive.

Seat belts, everyone. Hurry!

I'm going as fast as I can!

I am not driving without my seat belt.

Please, sir, just hurry up.

You're making me nervous!

You're making me nervous, sir.

Brace yourselves, children.

(MR CHIPS WHIMPERS)

Mr. Chips.

Oh, no.

Chips. Chippy. Dear God! Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

What the hell is he doing? WILLOUGHBY: Give him a moment.

He reversed over his best friend.

What was it?

Some kind of rare, undiscovered subterranean subspecies. And you've pissed it off!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GROWLING)

(♪♪♪)

WILLOUGHBY: Drive! Drive!

WILLOUGHBY: Stop!

CLEMSIE: We're in a fucking hedge.

Let me drive.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(SOFT POP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

♪ Once on a high And windy hill ♪

♪ In the morning mist Two lovers kissed ♪ WILLOUGHBY: Don!

Stop!

Don, fucking brake now!

(GROWLING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

(GLASS BREAKING)

KAY: Jesus Christ.

Oh, Clemsie, that is a lot of glass.

Is it dead?

Dead?

It's been dissected.

Really, Clemsie? That's the second living thing you've killed this evening.

Guys... how many more are there?

(CREATURE ROARING IN DISTANCE)

(CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

(TIRES SQUEAL)

What? Why are you stopping? Clemsie, come on, drive.

I have to go back.

It's Smudger, I...

I can't leave him.

He's my brother.

Smudger?

He's your brother?

Yeah.

Of course. Yeah, we got to go back for your brother. Do we, though?

Thank you, Don. Clemsie, he's your brother.

We can't leave your brother behind, can we?

Come on, guys, we can do this.

We are all going to die.

(♪♪♪)

Guys, what happened out there?

Clemsie ran into a creature. Where's Mr. Houseman?

No sign of him. Clegg's gone too.

Clegg? WOOTTON: Maybe he's been eaten.

Don't get your hopes up. We need to hurry up.

What time is it?

It's tool-up time.

What is all that crap? It's games cupboard.

You can find anything in here.

Last worn by the Duke of Clarence.

Last worn by Hargreaves.

WILLOUGHBY: Wait a sec. WOOTTON: Gross.

You thinking what I'm thinking? Just needs some petrol.

Get fucking real.

(♪♪♪)

(GUN COCKS)

Where is your brother?

(♪♪♪)

He's at a party.

(WHIP CRACKS)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

♪ I ain't eez-eh And I make you mad ♪

♪ At least I ain't sleazy ♪ HARGREAVES: Cripes. He's gonna finger her.

Oh, he is.

He is, he's a bloody animal. Let me have a go.

HARGREAVES: No.Give him a bloody go.

You're torturing him. WOOTTON: I want a go.

This is it. This is Smudger's initiation.

A "let's wear togas and talk fucking Latin" orgy.

We have to stop it at once. Good luck with that.

They've been planning this all term.

DON: No wonder the country's fucked.

Being run by these knobheads.

Get him out! It's an emergency.

I don't speak Latin. Anyway, you're Upper Sixth.

Aren't there rules about these things?

Don, he's my brother. He's...

(GASPS) He's...

He's getting anointed by the head boy.

Wow. His hands are massive. Please, Don.

For me. All right. Come on, Will.

Right-o. Yes. I'll just keep watch from up here.

What do you mean, keep watch? Come on, give me a hand.

A hand? "Never touch the balls," right?

Especially his.

(IN LATIN) Make way for the head of school!

Poppet.Caesari.

"Never touch the balls."

What a load of bollocks.

What the devil's going on? What...?

Matthew!

Where's everybody...?

Hargreaves? Bello?

Sparta!

(CREATURE GROWLING)

(LAUGHING)

Poppet.

(IN LATIN) Cor, I don't half fancy you.

(IN LATIN) Mmm, I love it when you talk dirty.

(BOTH MOANING)

Smudger. Smudger, wake up.

It's time to go, mate.

Come on, mate. It's breakfast time.

All right. Come on.

Clemsie's here, mate.

And the, uh... The headmaster's been eaten by a wild animal.

And you've shit yourself.

Smudger! We got to go and if you think I'm carrying you, you got another...

A new boy. No, I'm not part of this.

Restrain him. No, no. I'm just visiting. No!

Where did they come from? HARGREAVES: The Minotaur's back.

Hey, stop! We've got to get out of here, you lunatics.

Start listening... Oh, fucking hell.

What are you doing? He's going Fifty Shades.

What? Give it back now.

(WHIP CRACKS) (SCREAMS)

Oh, this is not going to plan.

We gotta go help him. He's having fun.

Willoughby, get down here quick!

You don't get this type of thing in Doncaster, you know.

Fuck! We gotta save them both. Right. You take that.

DON: Help! You two with me. Come on.

(BOTH MOANING)

(♪♪♪)

(PANTING)

I've come to get you, Wallace. Shh. Christ.

When this lot wake up, they're gonna find you skinned like a rabbit.

(SPEAKING IN LATIN)

(IN ENGLISH) Do you know what that means?

No, of course you fucking don't.

It's Latin for "I'm gonna fuck your face."

Bloody hell.

It's Clegg. Clegg?

Who's he gonna shag? Uh...

Wallace, by the looks of it.

Let me have another go, please.

What the hell is going on here?

There's no power. Sparta's completely empty.

Who put me to bed?

(BOTH MOANING)

(IN LATIN) You're so warm.

And wet.

And wide?

(GROWLING)

(IN ENGLISH) Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

What was that?

It's happening. Aah!

I'm a necromancer.

He's got a big knife. There's an orgy.

Stop shouting. I've got a splitting headache.

The head's dead. And so is his dog.

(GROWLING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(♪♪♪)

Wallace...

Don! Oh!

Oh, you came for me. Thank God. Right. Help me carry Smudger.

Yeah, your brother. Yeah, yeah.Mummy.

What are you doing with this?

This pike saved the First Earl of Slaughter from the beast...

(CREATURE GROWLING) What the devil?

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

We've been trying to tell you, sir.

(♪♪♪)

Sir, come on.

(ROARING) (SHOUTING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(♪♪♪)

(HOUSEMAN YELLS)

I rather think it's dead, don't you?

Sorry, sir. CLEMSIE: Sorry, sir.

(CREATURE GROWLING NEARBY)

We should find somewhere to hide.

Like now. Smokers' corner?

(GROANS)

(♪♪♪)

(COUGHING)

So pretty dark. Hmm?

Do you think we've hit the bottom yet?

It's funny to think an hour ago, I was about to top myself.

And here we are fighting for our lives.

(WHIMPERING)

He looks like he's given up.

Come on. We need to keep moving.

Get back to the house.

Save the children.

Try and save the children. Mr. Houseman, sir?

We... We need you, right?

Please, help us.

Yes. Help. Yes, help you.

Right. Um... Ahem.

Where did they come from?

The creatures, where are they from?

Out of the ground. There must be a nest somewhere.

And how many are there?

Dunno, sir.

"Dunno"? "Dunno"?

"Don't know." For heaven's sake, enunciate, Wootton.

Sit up. Don't slouch. Sorry, sir.

Keep it together. Yes, sir.

There were four at the river plus one that ate the head.

There's five. At least five.

Right, so we must assume there is a... A herd or a pack...

...or a hive. I'm sorry, I don't know what the correct collective noun is.

Frack?

A frack sounds good. I agree.

Yeah, I like frack. Me too.

Jolly good. A frack of... But a frack of what?

Who the frack cares?

They ate half the Upper Sixth.

Alive.

Smudger, I'm sorry. At least they died doing something they enjoyed. (EXPLOSION)

A distress flare. Someone's in distress.

We need to call the army.

WILLOUGHBY: It probably is the army...

...in distress.

The cadet range.

Team... we need firepower.

(♪♪♪)

Stand back.

I'm gonna ram it.

CLEMSIE: Wait, where's Smudger?

(HOUSEMAN YELLS)

Back door's open.

Right. Come on.

Ugh... Damn shoulder. Sorry, sir.

Think I dislocated it.

HARGREAVES: Guns. Firepower. Now we can blow shit up.

Language, Wootton. WOOTTON: Sorry, sir.

Hargreaves, get the generator on. Right.

Girls, glow sticks.Sir.

Willoughby, water.Sir.

Smudger. Yeah?

Find yourself some trousers for God's sake.

Right. Let's have a look at this.

Don. DON: Sir?

Throw me the bat.

(SHOUTING)

DON: Sorry, sir. HOUSEMAN: Shoulder.

DON: Are you all right? HOUSEMAN: It's the old wound.

Killed my cricketing career.

Could have bowled for England once upon a time.

You're a good man, sir. You know that.

Yes, well, maybe thank me when we're all out of here, yes?

Now, be a good boy and smash that lock off.

Oh. Aha!

KAY: Whoo! HOUSEMAN: Let there be light.

(ALL SHOUTING)

HOUSEMAN: Good heavens.

Looking for these, are we?

HOUSEMAN: Matty.

You're alive.

Thank God. Are you all right?

I'm fine, sir. It's just a scratch.

Right, well, very happy to hear that. Very happy indeed.

Now, we have to get this gun rack open at once.

You're not thinking of giving firearms to these two, are you, sir?

Well, yes. We've got to get all hands on deck.

(GUNSHOT) (ALL SCREAM)

(GROWLING)

What the...? These two degenerates... need to answer for their crime.

What are you talking about crimes?

The school ties, sir.

In the downstairs lavatories.

And over my door.

HOUSEMAN: Willoughby?

Was it your idea of a little joke?

HOUSEMAN: You and Seymour?

A pleb and a queer.

Tell me, Blake, am I going to find you buggering him too?

Matty, stop it.

We can talk about that later. Now is not the time.

You've lost a lot of blood. There's always one or two, sir.

Trying to destroy our school. And what would be the point?

There will always be pricks like you.

HOUSEMAN: Matty, put that gun down!

Matthew!

Lower your weapon! That's an order!

Aah! DON: Jesus Christ, Clegg!

I'm establishing a new order.

(CREATURE BREATHES HEAVILY)

It's madness! This is doomsday.

Matthew, disgraceful behavior.

CLEGG: Wallace, Blake. On your feet now.

DON: For fuck's sake.

We'll shove these two perverts out the front door.

While they're being eaten alive, we can make a run for the tunnels.

You're not serious.Yes.

Clegg, you're a sick bastard. CLEGG: Hey!

I'm giving you a chance to be school martyrs.

They may even put your name up on a plaque.

The first Wallace to die like a gentleman.

Think how proud your daddy would be.

No, you didn't.Hey.

Matthew, will you stop doing that?

Outside. Both of you. Now.

Everyone else, stand by.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

A signal.

Audrey. AUDREY: Meredith.

(♪♪♪)

Audrey, my darling. I'm here.

We're all... The children.

Yes, they're safe. Look.

They're with me. AUDREY: We need to speak.

Something terrible has happened at the school.

Meredith, you're breaking up. Audrey, can you hear me?

Audrey, you must call for help, please.

Text her before we lose the signal.

HOUSEMAN: Yes.

SOS Slaughterhouse. AUDREY: I can't hear you.

"Sausages"? Bloody auto-text.

DON: Help me! Enough, Clegg. Let him go.

Put your hands in the air.

I'm not taking orders from a fourth year, Hargreaves.

I'm not gonna ask you again.

You don't understand. This is war!

No, this is Sparta.

(SHOUTS)

Hargreaves... you shot me in the neck. Wow.

Fuck. Oh, God.

Fuck. Fuck.

You're a fucking disgrace to the house!

You pathetic fucking plebs.

(ALL SHOUTING)

(CREATURES GROWLING)

(SCREAMING)

Hold on, Matty!

Get off him!

Get off!

Matty!

AUDREY: Meredith. Meredith.

Meredith.

Children, save yourselves! Get to the tunnels.

(MR. CHIPS BARKING)

Jesus.

HARGREAVES: You heard him. Now's our chance.

Run. CLEMSIE: The tunnels.

AUDREY: Meredith? No, Meredith?

You're breaking up.

Look, I'm not coming home, Meredith.

I'm sorry.

It's over for us. It's over.

(♪♪♪)

DON: Come on.

WOOTTON: I can't run in these bloody wellies.

DON: Run! HARGREAVES: Run, come on.

Run. Come on!

CLEMSIE: Come on, Smudge. Get up! Get up.

DON: Come on.

(GROWLING IN DISTANCE)

Someone's had the same idea.

DON: The not-so-very-secret tunnels.

Well, who's going first?

Ladies?

(CRASHING THEN CREATURE GROWLING)

Excuse me. Coming through.

Come on, go, go, go.

Oh, Christ.

(COUGHING)

Tunnels, my ass. This is a sewer.

WOOTTON: Hey, I know this.

HARGREAVES: The story of the school.

Hey, what's that say?

WOOTTON: Look. It's the First Earl driving the beast back into its cave.

The First Earl constructed the original house... on top of the beast's lair.

This whole labyrinth was carved out by the beast itself.

So we're hiding in its fucking lair?

Thanks, Mr. Houseman.

Coming down here was a really crap idea!

Wootton finally passed the house test.

Nice one. Shame we're all gonna die.

Tough.

Shut up, Willoughby.

Maybe we should go back.

SMUDGER: To where that creature's waiting?

(GROWLING)CLEMSIE: What was that?

(YELPS)

Something touched my leg. That was me. Sorry.

Your hands are fucking freezing.

Shall we split up? Split up? Are you insane?

Mathematically speaking, our chances of finding the way...

Mathematically speaking, we're the square root of fucked!

(CREATURE GROWLING)

It followed us. It's got into the tunnel!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(♪♪♪)

Oh, no.

KAY: There's gotta be another way out.

We're gonna die down here.

Like Teddy Chapman. I'm gonna die unfulfilled.

I'm gonna die a virgin. I'm gonna die in Greek sandals.

(CREATURE GROWLS)

CLEMSIE: Where the fuck do we go now?

(ALL SHOUTING)

You two still looking for some drugs?

Woody Chapman? Thank God.

He's Woody Chapman? KAY: Never heard of him.

Anyone seen my little brother?

Huh? Teddy! I've come back for you!

Woody? I've gotta find little Ted.

Woody, so sorry, mate.

Teddy's gone, okay? But you need to help us get out of here.

There ain't any way out of hell.

Don't be daft. You got out before. Remember?

Yeah, you came down with Teddy. You tried to escape.

Escape? We weren't trying to escape.

We were trying to blow up the school.

We all knew about the gas down here.

Blow it up? Like Guy Fawkes?

Like kaboom!

It was my idea.

We got separated.

I lost Teddy.

Something happened.

DON: It was them, weren't it? Those creatures.

The beasts. CLEMSIE: You got out, right?

How?

Found a path. KAY: A path?

What path? WOOTTON: There's a path?

The path to immortality.

Lucky.Yeah. And now?

(CREATURE GROWLING)

Unlucky.

(ALL YELPING)

What do we do now?

We need a distraction, like a feint move in chess.

Yes, yes, exactly. Will?

You distract it, mate. What?

That light. These creatures... they're subt... Subterran... They live underground.

They live underground.Yes.

And it's dark underground.

So these creatures must hate light.

Give me your torch. It's mine.

Hand it over. I'm a prefect.

And I'm a house god. Fair play.

WOODY: Sparta '88.

Have some of this, you little bitch.

WOOTTON: I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the Flame of Anor.

Go back to the shadows. Go back to the...

WOODY: There's nothing to be frightened of.

What's this?

Huh?

Look.

Oh, there's my boy.

That's a good boy.

He's like a doggy. Hey.

Actually, he's all right. He's quite nice.

CLEMSIE: You genius. It worked.

SMUDGER: And I got an E in Biology.

WOODY: Where's the cats? Where's the cats?

(ALL SCREAMING)

That was close. Ha, ha.

I shouldn't have said "cats." I shouldn't have said "cats."

Teddy. Huh.

What are you doing here?

Teddy.

Of course there's a way out.

You just gotta follow the...

You gotta follow the...

(ALL SCREAMING)

(♪♪♪)


A dead end!

DON: Path? Where...? Where's this fucking path?

There's an air current.

It's defogging my...

WOOTTON: The path to immorality.

Go down there. Go! Immortality.

WOOTTON: Doesn't matter. Go on, quick. Go, quick.

HARGREAVES: Come on. It's coming.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

KAY: They're right above us. SMUDGER: There.

HARGREAVES: It's the bloody frack.

WOOTTON: And that's our bloody way out.

Don, your tie. What?

Give me your tie.

Finally hit the bottom, eh?

Be a flame, Ducky.

Welcome to hell, you son of a bitch!

Willoughby! CLEMSIE: Willoughby!

Hey, let's get out now!

Willoughby!

CLEMSIE: Don! Come on!

(♪♪♪)

Don, come on.

(WILLOUGHBY SCREAMING)

Don't fucking die. Go!

(ALL GRUNT)

Dab of snuff?

Go!

(ALL SHOUTING)

Will. Will, give me your lighter.

It isn't mine. It was his.

Come on, Seymour.

If you're out there, be a flame!

All right, Seymour.

Bequeath this, motherfuckers.

(CREATURE SCREAMS)

DON: Clemsie, it's gonna blow!

Fucking run!


(ALL SHOUTING)

WILLOUGHBY: Fucking hell.

(♪♪♪)

Congratulations, Ducky.

Really left your mark.

DON: My mum is gonna fucking kill me.

Let's go.

(♪♪♪)

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I was right all along ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ You come tagging along ♪

Audrey.

Audrey, darling, I knew you'd come back.

I...

I'm alive.

I'm alive. Children!

Children, I'm alive. Where are you?

(GRUNTS)

Little shits!

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I was right all along ♪

♪ 'Cause I have Done it before ♪

♪ And I can do it Some more ♪

♪ I've got my eye On the score ♪

♪ I'm gonna cut Through the floor ♪

♪ It's too late, it's too soon Or is it ♪

♪ Tick, tick, tick, tick Tick, tick, tick, boom ♪ Ha!

♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I was right You were wrong ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Going, going, you're gone ♪

♪ I saw you hesitatin' Waiting too much ♪

♪ Until it slipped Through your hands ♪

♪ And then you stagger To your feet ♪

♪ And out the door ♪

♪ 'Cause there's No second chance ♪

♪ 'Cause I have done it before And I can do it some more ♪

♪ I've got my eye On the score ♪

♪ I'm gonna cut Through the floor ♪

♪ It's too late, it's too soon Or is it ♪

♪ Tick, tick, tick, tick Tick, tick, tick, boom ♪

♪ Shake it ♪

♪ And you come crying to me But it's too late ♪

♪ The man you try hard to be But it's too late ♪

♪ Get your head out of the sand But it's too late ♪

♪ It's too late, too late too late ♪

♪ Too late ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah But it's too late ♪

♪ Yeah But it's too late ♪

♪ Get your head out of the sand But it's too late ♪

♪ It's too late, too late ♪

♪ You know I've done it before And I can do it some more ♪

♪ I've got my eye On the score ♪

♪ I'm gonna cut Through the floor ♪

♪ You know I've done it before And I can do it some more ♪

♪ I've got my eye On the score ♪

♪ I'm gonna cut Through the floor ♪

♪ It's too late It's too soon ♪

♪ It's too late It's too soon ♪

♪ It's too late, it's too soon, or is it ♪

♪ Tick, tick, tick, tick Tick, tick, tick, boom ♪

(♪♪♪)

(CREATURE GROWLS)

BAT: As headmaster, I have always been a firm believer that cream rises.

And here at Slaughterhouse... we are proud to be the whisk to your child's precious cream...

(CREATURE CONTINUES GROWLING)

...as they prepare to make themselves felt in the world.

At Slaughterhouse, you will find family that is ready to fight for you.

Cry "per caedes ad astra."

"Through slaughter to immortality."

(♪♪♪)


(♪♪♪)