Slay Belles (2018) Script

Downloaded from YTS.MX cthundering' (bats squeaking)

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(embers crackling)

(fireworks booming)

(mystical music)

(techno music)


(coughing)

Okay, what the fuck is going on?

Who are you people?

Why are you covered in blood?

Why do you have my gun?

Why does my neck hurt, who tased me?

Kris, I fuckin' knew you killed that kid.

I knew you were crazy like that.

I need answers and I need 'em now!

Shut the fuck up, sit down and listen!

(squealing)

Oh, mV God, did Vou see the look on Santa's face?

I do think we made Santa's naughty list.

That's because Vour guys' outfits are amazing.

[Sadie1 I should send this Santa picture to Brian.

No, don't even think about it!

That ass clown hasn't called you in weeks!

We're so putting these up on our fucking website for the world to see.

OkaV, so I got the box, Dahlia you got the wreath.

What'd you get, Alexi?

I totallV chickened out, but I bought green nail polish.

Boring!

Why are you the enemy of fun?

I should just take all of your Christmas presents and return them and wrap you some coal instead.

You know better than to mess with me on Christmas.

Oh, wait a sec.

Um, is tomorrow the holidaV you've been talking about every fucking day since Thanksgiving?

Sure, tease me and then leave me.

It's bad enough that I have to go to work right now.

Work?

Somebody's gotta pay the rent, unless your dad wants to cover me?

Well, what if I told you rent was covered?

And so's your shift.

What?

The only puppies you're gonna have to worry about today are these.

You're coming with us on an adventure.

Alright?

Merry Christmas, bitch!

You're crazy, you know that?

Correction, we're fucking crazy!

(whooping)

(whooshing)

Hello, devoted fans, Sadie here and Dahlia.

With our dear friend, Alexi.

Hello!

It's Christmas fucking Eve and we're on our waV to what might be the most exciting urban exploring adventure in history.

So be sure to log on tomorrow for the full official video.

And Vou never know what dirty things will come your way.

(whooshing)

(techno music)

Wow, it's so loud in here I can barely hear myself think.

[Sadie] That's the point

[Sadie] There you go.

What is it Vou guVs do exactly when you're out there?

You're telling me you've never seen a single one of the Adventure Girls video casts?

I did once, yeah.

Okay, then, which adventure was it?

Uh, it was um, it was the factory one.

Abandoned water park?

I know, I'm a terrible friend.

I haven't watched any of them.

What do you guys do?

Well, I know you go break into weird places and you film yourselves.

But what is it that urban explorers actually do?

I mean, we just go to awesome places, people don't dare go to.

And film ourselves running around.

And then there's the treasures.

Yeah, we collect one keepsake from each place we explore.

Oh, so it's kind of like, um, stealing?

It's not stealing if it doesn't belong to anyone.

These places have been closed forever.

I hope Santa Land has some amazing swag!

So, while you guys are doing all that awesome stuff, what am I gonna do?

Have the best fucking Christmas ever!

Woo!

This will have to do, I have to fucking pee.

(tires screeching)

Well, it's 12:03, I guess it's socially acceptable to start drinking.

Classy joint!

Hi, Merry Christmas!

Oh, fuck Christmas!

Isn't that right, Cherry?

You heard him, girls.

Fuck Christmas!

What?

Christmas is awesome!

(stomping)

What'll it be?

(glass shattering)

Merry Christmas, bitches!

Oh, shit.

Come on, all this shit you just buy into with Christmas, it's just that.

It's bullshit!

This how Vou welcome out-of-towners, Cherry?

Can't be good for business.

You know what?

I think we better just go.

Oh no, you're staying here now, honey.

Looks like you just made a friend.

You joining 'em for drinks, Sean?

I'm on the clock.

Where's Jerry?

For Christ's sake, Jerry!

You've got to be kidding me!

JerrV, Vou know Vour parole officer said no costumes!

What is this?

So what'll it be, girls?

Um, I think I'll have an eggnog, please.

[Cherry] Oh, yeah!

You know what?

I think we're just gonna down these and get the hell out of here, okay?

Man, I didn't touch any fucking kids!

I know, I know, okay.

TheV just want me to take you in for some questioning.

Now, are you gonna cooperate or are you gonna give me a hard time?

HeV, he's been drunk in my bar for two days.

OnlV gets up to make a mess in the bathroom.

Some shit's been going down, so we're asking the usual suspects.

Pedophiles and such.

I'm right fucking here, man!

Oh, I'm sorry, Jerry.

Sex offenders.

Don't chase him out, it's my one customer.

That tips!

(blowing)

I'm sorry to butt in, but you said some shit was going down.

Anything interesting?

Uh, yeah, just some bear attacks and some odd things around town.

Ooh, bears, production value?

Honestly, odd isn't the right word.

Look, I don't mean to cause an alarm or anything, but some kids have been murdered.

[Sadie] Oh, my goodness!

Hey, are you a ranger or a cop?

Well, Veah, I'm no cop, but uh, I am packing.

Shouldn't Vou be chasing forest fires, not felons?

Dahlia, shut up.

AnVwaV, with everVthing going on around town and it being Christmas and all, the police station's a little understaffed and I know this forest like the back of my hand.

Sorry, we didn't mean to waste your time or ask you all those silly questions.

No bother, ladies.

I'd rather talk to Vou than hunt down bears, but if Vou need anVthing when you're in town or see anVthing suspicious, don't hesitate to call me.

Ooh, call me!

Shut up!

(laughs)

Okay, but seriously, kids murdered?

Maybe we should leave.

Oh no, no, no, no, I missed work for this.

We are going on mV first Adventure Girls mission.

Cheers.

Hey, yes!

That one is on me!

Now, 20 bucks for the rest.

(tires screeching)

(ominous music)

It's not as Christmassy as I expected.

Looks creepy, though.

Well, let's get started.

(laughs)

(creepy music)

So Vou readV for Vour first big adventure?

As ready as I'll ever be, yes!

[Sadie] Wait, hold up, soldier!

What?

We're gonna do this, right?

Oh Veah, we're gonna do this, but you're not ready yet.

Shut up, of course, I am.

I'm gonna have fun, come on!

You're not ready yet, until...

You put on your Christmas uniform!

Oh, my God!

This is kind of hot looking, but yeah, okay, okay.

Yeah, it's better than being an elf.

I think it's cute.

(techno music)

Yellow?

White and purple?

I like the blue one best.

I think you're right, blue.

Sadie, our little snowflake is gonna have a meltdown when she sees what's inside Santa Land.

(gasping)

And, what do you think of my hot elfness?

Tomorrow when you go online to see the full length video don't forget to check out our pics and like them if you do.

And, I hope you do.

Later!

Did I get it right this time?

Yeah, you're a natural.

(ominous music)

MaVbe I should call Brian and let him know where we are.

[Dahlia And Alexi] No!

It's Christmas Eve, what if he tries to get in touch with me?

He hasn't called you in forever.

Why would you call him now?

He doesn't deserve you!

But...

Ho, ho, ho, let's go!

(thudding)

Awesome!

Merry fucking Christmas!

Wow.

You know, I thought this place would be a lot more old and decrepit looking for the amount of years it's been abandoned.

Don't get me wrong, I still wanna check it out.

Don't run, you can't outrun it.

If it's too late to back away, grab a weapon, any weapon, to protect yourself.

If without weapons or pepper spray, curl up and play dead.

Just reading off things to do in case of a bear attack.

Is that your idea of fun, trying to scare the crap out of us?

I am just being the voice of reason.

Meet my taser, my voice of reason.

On that note, I think we're ready.

(ominous music)

Whoo!

Welcome to Santa Land!

(rock ''Jingle Bells'' music)

Cool, the most magical Christmas Eve land of all.

And the Adventure Girls are gonna explore it!

Dahlia, go Dahlia!

(grunting)

You're not gonna make it on heels.

Oh wait, watch out, watch out.

What do I know about Santa Land?

[Sadie1 Yeah, tell me something about it.

Well, it's been closed for 20 years.

I heard kids died here.

The only people that come here now are crack heads and meth heads.

Oh, my God, what's this?

Oh, awesome!

I wanna eat this mushroom and then get twice as big.

Don't let me fall.

Let's go find something else.

Oh, my God, you guys!

(chattering)

Would you like some tea?

(laughing)

Someone's gotta tell her to stop humping things.

It's not sexy.

(banging)

Oh no, I'm a naughty girl!

Don't try this at home.

(techno ''Nutcracker'' music)


Hello?

Any bears in here?

Werewolves?

Unicorns?

Al Qaeda?

No, but other things live in the forest like birds and squirrels.

And bears, child-eating bears.

(branches cracking)

Okay.

(ominous music)

(humming)

[Sadie] Welcome to candy cane land!

Don't you feel like we're being watched?

Are we?

Yeah, I kind of do feel like I'm being watched.

(banjo music)

Is that your new ringtone, sicko?

Yes. Oh, my God!

We'll see who's laughing when you're hog-tied and squealing for my help.

Ooh, you got a purdy mouth!

Stop it, Vou're gonna fuck up my makeup, geez!

(ominous music)

At this point I don't think it makes any difference.

I found Jerry.

He was getting wasted at Cherry's just like Sean said.

Neil, what the hell are you doing?

There is no waV in hell that this guy could have done it!

Now, cut him loose!

Come on, Jerry.

Sorry about this.

Merry Christmas.

Get out of here.

Fuck you, Jerry.

[Neil] See you at poker.

(sighs)

[Bruce] What is it?

I was just thinking about the Bernards.

I mean, seeing her lying there like that, in all that blood with her heart ripped out.

(techno music)

It was--

[Bruce] Disgusting.

It was gross.

What kind of monster could do something like that?

Officer Green seems to think it was a bear.

A bear with a lot of anger.

A lot of hurt feelings.

You know, Neil, I'm a little worried about you.

You hang in there, kid.

Alright, good luck.

[Bruce] Be back in a couple hours.

(ominous music)

Ugh, looks like someone got slaughtered here.

I am dreaming!

[Sadie] It's perfect!

[Alexi] What, I can't see anything.

Our treasures, they're inside.

(grunting)

(gasps)

Jackpot!

Oh, I want this one!

Look!

Here's your first treasure, Alexi.

Um, that's okay?

You're saving it from a bulldozer in a few months, of course, it's okay.

Hey Adventure Girl people, fans!

Hey guys, look, we got our shit.

We gotta get the fuck out of here before our luck runs out.

Wait, hey guys, we didn't go there yet.

(mysterious music)

(sighs)

Okay, point taken and rejected.

(laughs)

(door creaking and slamming)

(mysterious music)

(growling)

Oh, look! (laughs)

[Dahlia] Whoa.

Ha, I dare you to eat this.

Oh no, that's gross.

Come on, your audience awaits.

I dare you!

I don't think so, it's nasty.

[Sadie] Nom, nom, nom.

Uh-uh.

What happened here?

Ugh, a fucked up ice orgy?

Oh, that's a good name for a band.

Oh!

(growling)

(all gasping)

What is it?

(plopping)

(cell phone ringing)

Croaring) (screaming)

(dramatic music)

(roaring)

(screaming)

(banging)

(roaring)

[Santa] Krampus!

What the fuck is it?

Get the hell outta here now!

(country music)

Fuck!

(choking) In the cottage, now!

(grunting)

What the hell do we do now?

Good idea, call 91 1!

It's me.

What, what does she mean it's me?

Who the hell are you calling?

[Sadie] Brian, we're in danger!

Brian?

Gimme that! No!

(telephone ringing)

Hello?

He hung up.

It's been like this all day.

Get out of--

91 1, what's your emergency?

Hi, yeah, I think we're being attacked!

Oh God, another one.

Okay, stay calm.

Where are you located?

Santa Land.

Santa Land, off the S6, but that was shut down years ago.

Yes, yes, that one.

(growling)

Alright, and who's attacking you?

I don't know, some big, hairy thing!

(growling)

A bear or something!

And a man, I think he's the owner.

Let me get this straight.

You're in Santa Land, so you are trespassing.

No, no, we're just--

[Sadie] I smell gingerbread!

Hurry!

Is this some kind of practical joke?

No, no, we're--

Is anVbodV actuallV injured or in danger?

No, we're fine!

But that is onlV because we're barricaded in his cottage!

A bear sent you into his cottage?

Listen, who do you think you are?

You're trVing to pull some kind of shit on me and Vou should be ashamed of yourself, okay, because tonight it's Jesus' birthday, so goodbye!

(phone clicking)

Asshole!

Hung up on me!

Oh, we're fucking fucked.

We're fucking fucked.

(growling)

(banging door)

(screaming)

Sadie, help us!

Now, let's try to arm ourselves, okay?

Yeah.

Okay.

(cell phone dialing)

Hi, please don't hang up!

Okay, we're trapped inside Santa Land.

Our van got towed and we have no way of getting out of here!

This is 91 1, not a car service.

Why do they keep doing that?

(roof creaking)

(gasping)

(clomping)

(whooshing)

(screaming)

(punching)

Stop it, now!

Come on, would you stop it now?

Stop it.

(yelling)

(punching)

Ow!

What are you gonna do you fat fuck, huh?

I'm not fat, you're fat.

(girls yelling)

Czapping) (thudding)

Now, that's enough!

Sit.

That should keep him out for now.

What the hell was that?

You know, I'm verV disappointed in you girls.

All of you have been very naughty.

You've been trespassing on my property and you're fucking my shit up!

That's our motto!

We weren't trespassing on your property, we were just exploring.

Oh, enough of this bullshit, I don't care.

You guys gotta get out of here.

Go into town, take mV bike, and get your van.

Fuck that!

There's some Bigfoot out there and we're not calling the police?

Yeah, forget it, I'm calling Sean.

This is not for the police.

Hillbillies are crazy!

I'm not a hillbilly, you're a hillbilly.

I don't know who's crazier, this magician, or that wildebeest.

But, I am reporting Vour ass to the ASPCA, just so you know.

OkaV, hold on, just hold on for a second.

I need to explain.

I don't know how to say this.

I never thought I'd have to say this.

Spit it out, already!

Would you listen!

This is my property

and I'm Santa.

Hence, Santa Land.

I'm the real fucking deal, Santa.

And that thing out there, that is no animal.

That's Krampus.

Krampus?

Krampus.

Krampus!

Oh, goddamn it, I'm Santa and that's Krampus!

The devil of Christmas!

Krampus!

And I'm the fucking tooth fairy.

Oh yeah, that's really adorable.

Oh, if you only knew.

(grunting)

Want a cookie?

(telephone ringing)

[Bruce] Come on!

911, what's your emergency?

Where?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

[Bruce] Come on.

You've gotta speak slower I can't--

Where did Vou find the body? Sit down, sit down!

Another damn body, Bruce!

Missing kids, prank calls!

I just can't take this anymore. (crying)

Yes, honey, I'm here, I'm still here.

We'll send Vou somebody-- Son of a bitch!

[Operator1 Right awaV, just give us the address.

(dramatic music)

(growling)

Csquishing) (slurping)


(dripping)


(whistles)

Oh, he's a beast, alright.

If you only knew.

He's also part man and part devil.

Krampus is a killer!

He's also my fucking partner.

Can Santa say fuck?

No, that is what redneck freaks say before they hang you on meat hooks as decoration.

Okay, Santa Claus, we're gonna leave you and your killer Wookiee here alone and we're gonna get the hell out of here.

Alexi, did Vou not see that little spectacle over there?

Did you not see my magic cane?

Santa doesn't walk around with a cane.

The cane comes with me, not that your folklore ever covers that because no one's ever seen me in action.

Did you just call me Alexi?

Yes, Vou are Alexi and Vou are Dahlia and you are Sadie.

He's some stalker fan, I knew it.

Wait, have Vou been creeping on us this whole time?

Ever since you were born.

[Sadie] Gross!

Oh, come on stop it, you're wasting my time!

I've been in all your houses at Christmas!

What is it gonna take, huh, for you to believe me?

Do I have to take flight, presents magically appear?

What do you want, what do you want?

What do you want?

Well, if Vou're reallV Santa you'd know what I want.

(sighs) Fine!

(zapping)

Oh, my God, yay!

(dramatic music)

Croaring) (screaming)

So.

(camera beeping)

Santa, how do you fit down the chimney?

Magic, of course.

Krampus also uses the chimney, that's why I blocked mine just in case.

Ha, ha, I know what you're thinking.

What about the houses without chimneys?

I've got other ways of getting in.

I'm telling you not everyone is so pleased to see me pay a visit.

Here, look at this.

(girls gasping)

Yeah.

[Dahlia] Nice!

How do you get to everybody in the world in just one night?

More magic.

You see, he only gets the bad ones.

And I'm talking, the really bad children.

How do you make those reindeer fly?

(sighs) Magic!

Wait a second!

Where are your reindeer?

And where's Mrs. Claus and where are your elves?

WhV don't Vou tell me how you walk in those heels?

Magic.

Right.

See now that's all Vou reallV need to know about that.

Yeah, yeah, we get it.

He's bad news, ooh!

My personal story is just not as charming as the one that you know of.

(whooshing)

There's no such thing as a naughty or nice list.

I bring Vou presents, but Krampus shreds your ass.

(siren blaring)

In the '40s your culture banned Krampus.

God forbid they should scare a little morality into the children.

Krampus was out of the picture in society's eyes.

And Vou know, quite honestlV, they didn't need me anymore.

Toys were made in factories.

Presents bought, Santa's sit on their fat asses in malls.

A tough decision, but I wasn't needed anymore.

So I started this place so that I could see the joy in the children's eyes once again.

I had very high hopes for it, but...

I've been fighting a losing battle to hold on to this land mainly because I've got Krampus frozen out there.

Had, had Krampus frozen out there.

(whooshing)

Now, you can take Santa out of Christmas,

but Vou can't take the Christmas out of Santa.

I don't know.

Well, I got him without his magic switch and I put him on ice and I left the North Pole and I never looked behind.

He's my responsibility.

More like my curse.

I don't know how he got his switch or how he got out of that ice, but one thing's for sure; Krampus is out of retirement.

(dramatic music)

(telephone ringing)

911, what's your emergency?

Okay, calm down.

Are they breathing?

Mutilated?

The kids, too?

Bruce, they found more kids, dead.

I mean really, really, really dead.

(techno music)

Damn it!

The team's tied up on Lake Drive.

Dispatch Officer Green and Sean.

Come on, everybody.

Come on, think.

Come on, think, think!

We need to come up with a plan here.

Yeah, I've got one!

How about we go to the police and tell them about your fucking boyfriend?

No, you can't do that!

What are Vou gonna do, tell them I'm Santa Claus?

No, no, plus theV'll kill Krampus on sight.

I can't have that, he cannot be killed.

What?

I can't have that.

(stammering)

Krampus cannot be killed!

We're connected...

It's just, it would just be very bad, very bad.

Yeah, well, I think human lives are a little bit more important than blowing your cover.

You'll just have to trust me, there's more at stake here.

After being trapped all of these years I can just imagine how hungry he is.

Well, what does he eat?

Uh, that's not what I mean.

Krampus kills children.

He puts them in that basket and then he takes them to hell.

Wait, wait, wait, I saw that basket.

I saw it when we were in the freezer.

He was taking these slimV hairballs from the basket and putting them into the Christmas boxes.

No, you're wrong, he takes them to hell.

No, I know what we saw.

We were spying on him until he noticed us and I swear he was taking those little hairballs, those disgusting little hairballs and putting them in boxes.

All those kids the ranger was talking about.

No, no, no, those hairballs, as you call them, they go to hell!

Not here!

Why, why is he taking all these children now, before Christmas?

They can't all be naughty.

What is he up to?

Speaking of naughtV, I think I have a plan.

(music fast forwarding)

Where's my milk and cookies?

Oh, come on, Mom!

That's the best part.

Oh, I know sweetie, but it's late and that stuff alwaVs gives you nightmares.

Bed wetter.

Hey, I'm not a bed wetter!

I'm not a bed wetter.

Just that one time.

[Teenager] You're such a baby.

Can Vou please stop picking on your brother?

Quit picking on your brother.

I'm so over this place!

Alright then, just go to bed.

Gladly.

Sleep tight.

Don't let the homicidal hillbillies bite.

Don't worry, mom.

I can protect Vou from those homicidal hillbillies.

(laughs)

Goodnight.

Goodnight, sweetie.

I love you.

[Boy] I love you, too.

(growling)

Cscreaming) (glass shattering)

(chilling music)

(screaming)

(roaring)

Here.

Here.

Once we get him now, we've gotta trap him till after midnight and then we're home free.

Well, until I freeze him up again.

[Dahlia] Why midnight?

[Alexi] Well, it's Christmas.

Yeah, and if he takes off without me the whole world is going to hell.

(growling)

Even more than killing children he loves women, especially the naughty ones.

He'll sniff you three out in no time.

Let's get naughty!

(roaring)

Goddamn it!

(spraying)

Krampus!

Goddamn!

Piss!

Shit!

Motherfuckin' phooeV! (glass shattering)

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin'phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin'phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin'phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin'phooey!

Goddamn, piss, shit, motherfuckin'phooey!

(roaring)

Cthudding) (screaming)

Get the fuck off me!

(screaming)

(slobbering)

(thudding)

(taser buzzing)

I've never been so happV to see your fucking face!

(crying)

(gun firing)

(vomiting)

Jesus, Sean.

What's going on, buddy?

It's bad, Sean.

It got both of them.

Both of Harrison's girls?

Yeah, both.

Never seen anVthing like it in all my life.

We're gonna have to call in the big guns, that's all.

I can't write this report.

Oh, the hell you can't!

I don't get it.

Why do we need the FBI on a bear attack?

Look, man, the entire Vard is enclosed, it's gated in.

We couldn't find a single break in the gate anywhere.

Not one.

What are you saying?

Their little hearts were ripped out.

Sean, this ain't no bear.

This fucking guV is not gonna ruin my favorite holiday.

How did Santa get here?

I don't know, he was right behind us.

Santa?

Some lookout he is!

Shit, is he dead?

(snoring)

No, he's breathing.

Old man's not dead, just useless.

Alright, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Yummy, yummy!

(sniffing)

(growling)

We've gotta tie him up.

[Alexi] Can you get this over there?

He's seriously down for the count, guys.

Picture time?

Yeah!

(techno music)

Hello!

Hi. Hello.

One at a time.

Krampus, ho, ho, ho.

Not so tough now, are you?

He looks like some sort of fucked up reindeer, doesn't he?

Look at this little puppy.

I'm the Krampus, oh.

Count of three.

[Both] One, two, three, Krampus!

(bells jingling)

[Bruce] It's me.

Listen, listen to me.

This is the Sheriff.

Look, I want Vou to get out to Santa Land and I mean now.

You got that?

Go, get on it.

(snoring)

[Dahlia] Ha, ha, we got you!

Let's clean you up and then maybe we'll get home in time for Christmas.

Okay, let's go.

Okay.

Dahlia, you on board?

Yeah, he'll be fine.

(growling)

(roaring)

No!

Croaring) (screaming)

Krampus!

Krampus, that's enough!

(groaning)

Wow!

Go!

Go!

(roaring)

Hi-ya! (thudding)

(Krampus whimpering)

I think I wet myself.


[Brian] Sadie!

Sadie!

Does Krampus talk?

Never.

Sadie!

Sadie!

Sadie, oh, mV God! Brian!

You came for me!

[Brian1 Of course I did, I was worried about you.

You were?

Of course, I was.

What the hell is going on here?

What weird shit has Dahlia gotten you into this time?

It's a long story.

(ominous music)

In a nutshell, we're trVing to help the real-life Santa.

'Sup?

Fight the evil Krampus.

Great, my girlfriend's on drugs.

I'm your girlfriend?

(crunching)

(screaming)

(squirting)

(roaring)

What the shit?

Sean!

Sean?

Answer, goddamn it!

(dramatic music)

[Santa] Krampus!

(zapping)

(thudding)

[Sadie] No!

No!

Brian, no! (sobbing)

(electricity zapping)

(grunting)

(punching)

(screaming)

What the fuck is going on?

(girls yelling)

We've gotta get out of here!

[Sadie] He killed Brian!

Are you okay?

[Sadie] He killed my Brian!

[Sean] Who?

He killed Brian!

[Sean] Who?

He killed him!

[Santa] Krampus!

Oh, shit.

Put the weapon down now!

Hey, you, put that down!

(taser zapping)

Come on, over there, you know the drill.

Go on, go on.

Officer Green just called in and said Sean is not responding to his radio.

Have you heard from him?

As a matter of fact, I have.

TheV had a report of a strange truck at old man Kris's.

He went up there to investigate.

You mean, Santa Land?

[Bruce] Yeah.

Shit, I need a cigarette!

[Bruce] What?

Oh, look at you.

What are you doing?

[Operator] Alright.

(telephone ringing)

[Bruce] Whose gonna answer the phone?

[Operator] You are.

Police department, hello?

Hello?

I don't know how to work it!

(telephone ringing)

Get off the cookies!

(coughing)

Okay, what the fuck is going on?

Who are you people?

Why are you covered in blood?

Why do you have my gun?

Why does my neck hurt, who tased me?

Kris, I fucking knew you killed that kid!

I knew you were crazy like that!

I need answers and I need 'em now!

Shut the fuck up, sit down and listen!

You have to help us.

We need your help.

He killed Brian, he's gonna kill everyone.

That's the thing.

It all seems reallV crazy, but he didn't do it.

He didn't kill Brian.

The real killer's out there!

He's Santa.

You picked a hell of a day to do this.

(laughs)

Look, he's Santa Claus!

Why are all the hot ones crazy?

Look, this is old man Kris.

Everyone knows Kris.

He used to run Santa Land back in the day, but now he's just an old hermit.

Excuse me?

And he's going to jail for a very long time just like you and you and you.

The hell we are!

(girls yelling)

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

One at a time, one at a time!

You!

So there's this creature, right?

He's like this big, hairV animal with these horns, you know?

Um--

Krampus!

Yeah.

Look, I've seen enough mangled kids in the past week to last a lifetime.

Given the day I've had, I'm not sure if I trust my gut or what you're telling me.

The thing is that he's not the killer.

He didn't do it, he's Santa.

Yeah, he's Kris.

Kris Kringle, you know, like, Santa Claus?

Ho, ho, ho!

Santa Claus.

Anyway, the thing is we have to save the world from that monster out there!

The world?

Yes!

Sean, do you trust me?

No!

Santa?

[Santa] Hmm?

Show him your thing.

(zapping)

Holy shit.

(laughs)

Wow.

(roaring)

Gimme the fucking gun, give it here.

What's it called?

[Santa] Krampus!

(growling)

(suspenseful music)

This is unbelievable.

Let's say I do believe you.

When I was a kid and you opened this place I really thought you were Santa.

It was the onlV thing this boring town had going for it.

Christmas all year round.

I thought I was the luckiest kid in the world.

Well, goody fucking gum drops.

I'm glad you had your fun.

Here, have a cookie. Thank you.

But we don't have much time.

You see, we gotta trap him before midnight!

Yeah, no one knows this forest like I do, not even you, Kris.

Let's get this Krampus and take back Christmas!

(dramatic music)

Okay, Dahlia, you're gonna be our eyes on the south end in car two of the bumblebee coaster.

Got it!

Sadie, you have your compact?

Great, Vou're gonna flash it if you see anything.

You're gonna be in the bumblebee hive.

I'm gonna be perched right here on top of the north tower.

Sean, you'll be with me in the tower.

Your wish is my command.

(gun clicking)

Santa? Hmm?

You're gonna be at the house of mirrors and Vou are gonna have your cane at the ready.

I'm there.

(crunching)

Yeah! Ha!

(slapping)

(yelling)

Santa Claus is coming to town, bitches!

(dramatic music)

Okay.

(camera clicking)

Oh, no, it was blurry.

(all groaning)

(suspenseful music)


(growling)

(creaking)

Shit!

I don't think it's working.

What do we do now?

Good question.

(growling)

It's okay.

OkaV. It's just a noise.

(moaning)

(growling)

(screaming)

OkaV. Come on!

Fuck you! (banging)

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

CVelling) (slicing)

(screaming)

[Sadie] Hi-ya! (thudding)

[Santa] This way, Sadie!

(roaring)

(punching)

[Sean] Nice!

Motherfucker!

Come on!

(dramatic music)

Fucking asshole!

(screaming)

(engine revving)

Stop!

Cherry?

What the hell is she doing here?

Get those girls to safety.

I'll take care of these guys.

Who the fuck called the fucking bartender?

I got this.

I am the wifey, after all.

Ain't that right, honey?

Baby, I missed you so much.

(engine revving)

How is she gonna capture Krampus?

Well, she's his crazy ex, right?

That must make her Mrs. Claus!

Come on!

Of all nights, you chose tonight to call in some bitches for fun?

No, no, no, no--

Big surprise! It's not what it looks like.

You whimpering fool!

You failed me again!

I alwaVs stuck bV Vou even when your business failed and we had to eat the reindeer.

Did I ever complain?

Never.

Don't you know what I've been up to?

(laughing menacingly)

(telephone ringing)

Margaret, he's just drunk.

He's gonna be fine tomorrow, don't--

Look, Margaret, I gotta, hang on a second I got--

Goddamn it!

No, not you, Margaret.

Hold on.

Green, this is the sheriff.

Look, we haven't heard from Sean in a while.

He went out to Santa Land.

I need Vou guVs to get out there, I'm a little bit worried.

Find out what the heck is going on.

[Green] Jesus Christ, Sean!

Get out there right now.

[Green] Okay.

Good, thank you.

(telephone ringing)

Jesus.

Margaret, hello?

(all panting and crying)

[Sean] Come on!

[Alexi] What is this place?

(door closing) (gasping)

(siren blaring)

(country music)

(ominous music)

Krampus!

(chain rattling)

(zapping)

Cherry, what have you done?

I was nobodV to Vou and nobody to the entire world.

You saw the way they portrayed me.

AlwaVs at Vour side with a plate of cookies to serve you.

Uh-uh-uh.

I was portrayed as fat, ugly and old.

When we both know that I am fucking hot!

I am cleansing the world of all the little shits, naughty or nice!

And guess what?

You can't do this!

They'll all think it was you!

(ominous music)

[Sadie] What's that noise?

It's, uh, rats.

It's probably just rats.

Big fucking rats or something.

Oh, my God, gross.

After everVthing we went through rats are gross?

(thumping)

(squeaking)

(screaming)

[Sean] Hairy balls!

(ominous music)

Why are you doing this?

To rewrite historV mV way with a little help from my (snarling) hairy boyfriend.

(growling)

(laughing)

Oh, baby!

You were too busV spreading love to the world.

(Santa gagging)

Krampus, go get our sleigh.

We have work to do tonight.

(laughing)

(squeaking)

(screaming)

(snapping)

[Sean] Killer hairy balls!

(chewing)

(squeaking)

(snapping)

(screaming)

(gun firing)

(laughing)

Sounds like it's feeding time.

Krampus!

(grunting)

(growling)


(screaming)

(gun firing)

We have to stop them.

Hurry!

She has my cane.

Mazel tov!

Cwhooshing) (thudding)

Get her off mV sleigh, she's not magical!

Go, go, go!

Cwhacking) (laughing)

Go, go, go!

Go, go, go!

(roaring)

Yes!

(gun firing)

(roaring)

I'm so sorry.

But you're all connected.

(slicing)

(thudding)

(squirting)

(Cherry screaming)

(exploding)

(siren blaring)

Sean, this way, come on!

Sean!

Sean!

Sean, are you alright?

What happened?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

(girls crying)

(tinkling)

(growling)

(spooky jingling music)

(electricity buzzing)


Merry Christmas, bitches!

(electricity buzzing)

(fast rock ''Deck the Halls'' music)

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient Yule tide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ See the blazing Yule before us ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Strike the harp and join the chorus ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Follow me in merry measure ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ While I tell of Yule tide treasure ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Fa la la la la ♪

♪ Fa la la la la ♪

♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Tis the season to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

♪ Fa la la, la la la, la la la ♪

♪ Troll the ancient Yule tide carol ♪

♪ Fa la la la la, la la la la ♪


♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪

(chilling techno music)


(fast rap music)


(techno music)


(whooshing)