Small Apartments (2012) Script

Resync by Bajingan, Toa Pek Yuna

Knock it off!

Knock it off, asshole!

Knock it off! You hear me, Franklin?

You blow that horn again, I'm gonna screw it in your ass!

Hey! Watch out!

How many times do I gotta tell you?

That horn is a fuckin' menace. Don't you get it?

Good morning, Mr. Allspice.

Can't you maybe get a little respect? Just a little?

I assumed you'd left for your walk.

You assumed?

It relaxes me.

Why don't you go to the zoo and listen to an elephant fart?

That would relax you, no?

You know, it stinks in there.

What a fuckin' idiot.

My name is Franklin. I haven't always lived here.

In this apartment, I mean. 'Scuse me.

In fact, not so long ago, my life was very different.

That was when I used to live with my brother, Bernard.

But then he took up residence in the psych center.

So now I live alone.

Well, except for my dog. Hello.

Every day, Bernard sends me an envelope that contains one cassette tape, and an assortment of toenail clippings.

You should kill yourself.

I don't take everything Bernard says as gospel, because he was basically diagnosed "insane" by Dr. Sage Mennox, himself.

And he's been on Oprah.

Hey, little bro! It's me again.

Big brother Bernard. Back for another installment of truth.

Another daily nugget of recorded wisdom.

Very excited, Franklin. Really, really jazzed.

Lately, I don't know how to explain it. My head is just, it's filled with mind-blowing, fantastical shit.

Listen, Franklin, I heard from God again last night.

God wanted me to pass along a message to you.

He wanted me to tell you, "You're being watched. "

I know you, Franklin. Don't panic.

Yeah, it might be a threat, but maybe it's just a warning.

You know? Maybe it's just, maybe it just means he's watching over you.

I asked him to clarify, but I'm just the delivery boy.

I'm the string between the tin cans.

I don't rate an explanation. Mmm-hmm.

But you know what I told him?

I said God would have a lot more credibility if he didn't always pick crazy people to be his messengers.

Franklin, sanity is wasted on the sane.

That's George Bernard Shaw for you.

Anyway, about the toenails.

Don't worry. There's plenty more where those came from.

I think this apartment's too small for me.

Maybe I should leave this place.

Go someplace where people appreciate my music.

What do you think, Mr. Olivetti? Hmm?

Hey, Tommy Balls.

What are you doing?

Working on today's project, baby.

What time is it?

Uh, 10:32.


You wanna fuck?

That was yesterday's project.

You want a wake and bake?

I told you last night, I'm in the middle of a 40-day cleanse.

I'm ridding myself of all my herpes.



No toxins are allowed to enter this temple.


I wish I could talk to Bernard.

He's smart.

He was an accountant at that big law firm. Weiner and Fish.

He wasn't always crazy.

In fact, he was almost always not crazy.

He had lots of girlfriends, too.

Girls love Bernard.

Whoo-hoo! Ha!


Hey, it's how you weed out the tight-asses.

See, uptight chicks refuse to bowl.

They don't bowl, they don't roll.

Know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

Nice roll, baby. She's up.


You know what I mean?

Yeah, he knows!

Oh, yeah.

I had no idea what Bernard meant.

What are you looking for? Scissors.

Sweet. I thought you were building that bong...

Gravity bong.

Never have just one goal for the day, baby. I'm multitasking.

You know, you should have just one goal.

'Cause if you have a lot of them, you're just gonna fuck some of them up.

That's just common sense.

No, that's fallacious.

Success is based on the same primal principle of ejaculation.

You shoot millions of sperm and only one egg gets fertilized, right?

The more you shoot, more chances something'll stick.

It's like, my motto.

My motto is never go into an orgy, ass up.

Bye, Tommy Balls. Bye, babe.


Mr. Olivetti, what am I gonna do with you?

I guess I could toss him out the door.


That's not the best idea.

I could bury him.


I suppose I could carve him into little pieces.

Put the pieces in garbage bags and toss them into dumpsters all around the city.

Oh, God!

I can't do those things.

It's hopeless. May I interrupt?

I'm hopeless.

Olivetti lives alone.

Wait till it gets dark, then make it look like a suicide.

That's a pretty good idea.


Hey, Fred, it's Tommy Balls, your neighbor.

Dude, what's that smell?

My name is Franklin.

Right. Hey, do you have one of those empty plastic pop bottles?


Come on, bro, help a brother out.


Dude. Unhook the chain, man. You're compromising the bottle.

Unlock the fucking door.

What are you two morons doing?

You know, mind your own business, you inveterate douche.

Have you talked to Mr. Olivetti today?

He was supposed to come by and fix my sink.

He can't. I killed him. He's lying dead on the floor.

I was just asking. You don't gotta be a fucking dick about it.

Why don't you put a fucking shirt on, too?

Hey, listen, why don't you try shutting your yap for a minute?

You know what, old man? You know you should try some yoga, or maybe a 40-day cleanse or something.

Just be a lot easier sticking this fork in your throat.



Old motherfucker.

What a fuckin' idiot.

You're lucky I got shit to do today.

I don't know why he's fucking with me.


He's a pain in my ass.

Thank you, Killer.

Listen, could you tell me, Killer, how your fabulous boxing career started?

Well, I started boxing as a kid in my neighborhood in New York.

One day I was sitting at home, my mother asked me to take the garbage out.

So I punched her in the mouth.


'Cause we didn't have a lot of money at that time, we had to keep my mother on as a sparring partner.

That didn't work out too good, though.

She kept falling out of the wheelchair.

Oh, the keys.

I can do it. You can do it.


The crowd was out there, they were yelling.

I threw a left and a right. A left and a right. A couple of...

He's probably jacking off behind the counter.


Open the goddamn door!


Yeah, take your sweet-ass time, dude.

Is Tommy back there?

He's on tomorrow.

I need some smokes.

No can do. Had the cops in here the other day.


Are you sure about that?


That might get you a sip off my beer, but for $6.75 a pack, I'm gonna have to cop a feel.

It's not my fault your cigarettes are overpriced.

Maybe for a joint.


But it's gonna have to be a good squeeze.


Hey, Artie.

Where's the Moxie?

Same place it always is. Last case, bottom shelf.

Thanks, Artie.

That was like two seconds.

Well, it's as good as it gets.

And I need matches.

Hey, Artie. Found 'em.


Thanks, Artie.

Hey, I know you.

You live across the building from me.

I'm going home now. You wanna walk with me?


I see you by your window with your big binoculars.

Mr. Peepers.

It's okay, my mom doesn't know.

And I don't care. It's not like you're jerking off in front of me.

And you're not totally disgusting for an old guy.


Thank you.

What are you, like, 50?

32. Close.

My friend Amber and me? We're going to Vegas.

We're gonna be dancers.

Vegas? Mmm-hmm.


We've been chatting with this one guy online.

His buddy owns a few clubs. It's gonna be pretty cool.

I can't wait to have my own money.

Hey, what are you doing at midnight tonight, Mr. Peepers?

Uh, I don't...

Okay, tonight is gonna be your lucky night.

I think tonight I'm gonna give you a show that you're never gonna forget.


Don't you be late.

I can't look at that face.

Have a nice day.




These front lights are supposed to be on from dusk till dawn!

I think it's broken!


I said, the light, I think it's broken!

I think they're broken! I think they're broken.

Well, it can't be broken, you idiot! I just turned the light on!

Oh, then I guess you fixed them, so nice job!

What are you doing?

Uh... Packing.

Packing? Like, trip packing? Like that?

Yeah. I'm...

'Cause I'm moving. I'm moving to Switzerland.


Land of the cuckoo clock. That's perfect.

I don't think it's funny that I would move to Switzerland.

There's nothing funny about that. People do it.

By all means, you move. Please, just move.

I mean, go to Bum-Fuck, China, if you like.

Well, I'm not gonna go there.

Right, well, wherever you decide to go, just do it in a hurry.

And I'm gonna ask, maybe, Olivetti to...

You know, rent to somebody less musically inclined than you.

Oh, you can ask him now. He's lying dead on the ground.



All right, well, listen. You have a great time in Sweden, all right?


Same shit.

No, it's not the same shit.

It's like two different shits, okay?

Well, look, make sure these lights stay on, all right?


Mr. Olivetti didn't look at all like my mother when she passed.

My mother looked peaceful.

Like all her pain had suddenly just vanished.

Before Mom died, she made Bernard promise to take care of me.

The first thing he did was to drop a bowling ball on my foot.

Bernard's ball broke 13 bones in my foot.

The nail on my big toe never grew back.

And I lost all my hair, forever.

I think he was trying to protect me, because we aren't just brothers. We're best friends.

We used to go everywhere together.

Until one day, when things started to change.

Can I get this?

You want to become mentally fit and physically strong.

Yeah, sure, pal.

I just wanna see what this guy has to say.

That was when he came into the picture.

Minding the...

Dr. Sage Mennox.

Think of your brain as a muscle that needs to be toned and flexed.

Now, the same principle applies to exercising your sanity.

Look at how he works the room.

Using my proven methods, you vastly reduce your chance of a brain attack.

Achieving true Brain Brawn is nothing less than the ultimate Olympics of mental self-discovery.

He's good, isn't he?

Thank you. Thank you.

From that day, things were never the same again.

He was always searching for "the answer. "

You know, Dr. Mennox's books say that my brain is clogged with

emotional cholesterol.

I need to exercise stronger thoughts.


He said that the answer's in the books anyway.

And they are best-sellers, so, you know...

I think he was trying to tell me something.

You know, this is funny. He said that crazy people, they don't look any different than normal people.

You know, they don't walk around on the streets wearing their pajamas. They look like you and me.

And they're at our job and in our home and in our family.

I get these headaches.


And they just don't go away. It's like, you know,

like you've taken a big slug off a Slurpee and it just stays with me.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I'm okay.

I want you to know that I'm...

I'm looking out for you.

But I could tell something was wrong.

And I realized, I was losing my best friend.




All right.

Sorry I killed your daddy.

"To whom it may concern... ' '

Dear cruel world...




Oh, God.


Hey, Burt. It's Detective Rich Holman.


Hey, Rich.

How ya doin'?

I'm sorry if I woke you, Burt.

We're over here in West Adams.

Uniforms responded to a neighbor's report of a shot fired.

They found a crispy critter in a garage on the property, so we're calling in the county fire investigator.

Looks like tonight, that's you. And what's your 20?

1444 Harvard Boulevard. That's Hotel, Alpha, Romeo...

I got it. I got it, I got it.

Hey, Burt, you're gonna love this scene.

What do you mean?

Well, he's still smoking, if you know what I mean.

You're giving me a boner, you realize that?

All right, I'm on my way. And don't touch nothing if you don't have to.

What about my pecker?

You haven't taken your hand off that since you discovered it.

It's a wonder you're not blind.

Hey, tell your wife that I'm sorry if I woke her.

Yeah, I'll tell her right now.

Hey, sweetheart, it's Rich Holman.

He said to say he's sorry if he woke you.

Nothing, man. Flatline. This woman could sleep in a fucking sawmill.

I'll see you in a few, Burt.

Yeah, I'll be there.

Let's go to work.

Oh, my gosh, come on! Come on! Hurry.

Ah! Showtime.

Oh, God. Okay.

Oh, my.


This must be what Switzerland is like.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my.

Oh, pretty lady.

I gotta hide Olivetti's truck.

How many keys does the guy got?

What is this thing?

Hey! Hey, white boy! What you doing, man?

That's a nice truck right there, you know what I mean?

You're gonna burn out the clutch if you keep on doing that and then you're gonna be damn sorry.

You understand what I'm saying?

I just want it to go. It won't go.

Well, is it in gear or what?

I think it was in... I don't know.

How the hell you get a truck, man, you don't know how to drive it? Huh?

Yeah, can you help me please, though?


Yeah. All right. So...

You're gonna put your foot on the clutch.

Foot on the clutch.

And you're going to put it all the way down to the floor.

All right? That's on the left side of the vehicle...

"Have a nice day. ' '

Hey, Burt. Yeah.

Good to see ya.

Okay, here's what we're looking at.

The physical evidence wants to suggest that the subject stabbed himself in the chest.

With a screwdriver. It's a flat-head.


He had taped his hand to the handle with electrical tape. Standard grade.

I can see that. Thank you.

Unsatisfied with that result, the subject then blew off half his face using this shotgun.


We called you because the coup de grāce was he ignited himself with an accelerant.

Turpentine. Ah.

He thought better of it and extinguished the fire using this canister.

Quick thinking with half a face.

Yes. And it appears he has an oversized merkin melted into his private region.


It's a pubic wig.


Are they normally worn on the outside of the pants?


Apparently he left a suicide note.

"Attention, fuckwads.

"You can all suck it. ' '

The subject also broke into his own garage.

The glass was shattered inwards. It's a classic B and E.

Oh, it's a classic.

There's one more thing. What's that?

He's missing a toe.



Suicide, huh?

That's what the physical evidence wants to suggest.


By the way, how's the wife, Burt?

She's fine, thank you. She's perfect, actually.

Hey, Rich? Yeah.

Did he have a vehicle?

I mean, there's nothing in the driveway.

Yeah, we got Olivetti registered with a Ford pick-up truck.

We just put out an APB.

He also owns an apartment building not too far from here.

You want me to follow up on that lead?

What lead?

The one about the merkin.

Yes. Good idea, Officer.

I want you to work the merkin angle.

Go to the local merkin store, check out anybody who's bought a merkin in the last 72 hours.

Check every size, small, medium, large.

All different kinds of hair, brunette, blonde, strawberry blonde, redhead.

Different kinds of hair, human hair, yak hair, doll hair.

Oh, boy.

So, Burt, what do you think?

Locate that Ford pick-up truck, we have the perpetrator.


What the fuck do we have here?

Yo, you got a little car trouble, dawg?

That's some remarkably shitty-ass driving, yo.

Hey, man, where you coming from?

Uh, just over there.

Nowhere, really.

Man, look at him, man.

He looks like a piece of fucking popcorn.

Yo, you are the whitest motherfucker I've seen in my life!

I am white!

It's true!

Oh, shit! Oh, shit. Hey, man.

Look. Look, dawg!

I know! I know!

I wanna touch it! I wanna touch it!


Hey, man, that's nice. Hey, that's like your sister's ass, man.

Man, fuck you, motherfucker! What?

Man, she's only 13!

Hey, man, shut the fuck up!

Hey, what the fuck you laughing at, dawg?

Don't fucking laugh at that shit.

Damn, I like that watch, dawg.

Yeah, it's kinda ironic and shit.

My brother Bernard gave me that watch.

Man, let's take that shit, dawg. No!

What? Ow!

That's right.

Did that hurt?

Yo, man. Yo, kick his ass, man.

Did that hurt? Yeah?

How'd that feel? Huh?

Yeah, I get all Bruce Lee!

Oh, that's gotta hurt!

Yeah, what's up, bitch?

What'd you say?

Man, gimme that watch! No!

Shut up, man! What?


Yeah, that's right.

Hey, man, come on, hurry up. I'm driving.

No, you ain't driving. You don't got a license, dawg.

Do you want to be mentally fit, and physically strong? Like me?

Achieving true Brain Brawn begins when you understand that your brain is a muscle that needs to be toned.

Impure thoughts, all forms of wrong thinking, makes your brain slow, soft, lazy.

One second.


Hi, Mom.

What are you doing here? It's 11:32 in the morning.

I want you to come to church with me right now.

Are you drunk?



Come with me.

We'll have lunch afterwards. I'll take you to Chuck E. Cheese's.

I gotta work today.

What, down at the convenience store?

So you can rent this dump and buy your drugs?

Well, drugs and dumps aren't free, Mom.

You have a problem, Thomas.

Really? I have a problem?

So did I...

As you never get tired of telling me.

But Jesus has helped me find my way.

Oh, Jesus. Wasn't it Jesus who said...

Leave Jesus out of this!

I have been to the mountain.

The center of all vortexes!

When you come over, I feel like I should line my underpants with tin foil, because you're fucking crazy.

The fact is, though, you were way less perfidious as a drunk than you are now as a Christian.


I know that.

I was a terrible mother.

And now I blame myself for the way you're living now.

I am fine.

Those boys you smoke dope with, they're not your friends, Thomas.

Those whores you commune with, they don't love you.

Nobody cares about you like I do.

You're my son.

You are a part of me.

You came out of my hoo-ha.

Mom, I know you're trying to connect with me when you say stuff like that, but it's fucking disgusting.

Listen, Mom, can I ask you a question?

You can ask me anything.

Can I borrow 20 bucks?


Great Gatsby! What was that?

It's just the fat hermit next door blowing his fucking alphorn.

This is an asylum!


...your mind to function at its maximum potential of mental fitness, come down to my life-changing, three-day seminar.

Learn my principles and you, too, can attack your life with true Brain Brawn!

Where are your clothes?

"Albert Olivetti

"of 1444 Harvard Boulevard...

"Missing Ford pick-up truck...

"Autopsy report...

"Death ruled suspicious. ' '




"Bernard. ' '


He never misses a day.

Except for Sundays. Of course.

And holidays.

Yes, of course. I'm speaking specifically of regular mail days.

He's never missed a regular mail day.

I know.

Well, what do you think's wrong?

Something. Something is wrong.

This is the first day he's missed in almost a year.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

Franklin, what are you gonna do?

Franklin, Franklin, Franklin. Franklin!

Go to the psych center.

I can't. He left specific instructions. Fuck that.

Bernard was emphatic.

Fine. Don't go.

You don't think I should?

No. I can drive there if I want to.

I can do what I want.

Don't be crazy! Don't go! Franklin!

I'm going.



I'm here to visit a resident.

What's the name? Franklin.

First name? Franklin.

Okay, then what's the last name?

Oh, Franklin.

"Franklin Franklin"?

Franklin Franklin.

Look, sir, we do not have a resident here named Franklin Franklin.

I know this off the top of my head.

Oh, no, no, I'm Franklin Franklin.

Then who are you here to see?

Oh, Franklin.

There's another Franklin Franklin?

Bernard Franklin. He's my brother.

Right. One moment.

Mr. Franklin?

Mrs. Baker.

Mr. Franklin, do you mind if I call you Franklin?


Please have a seat.

Franklin, I'm afraid that I have some very difficult news.

Bernard's dead.

Yes. Who informed you of this?

Well, I asked to see my brother, they show me into a private room, you tell me you have difficult news, I mean...

Well, I'm very sorry for your loss, Franklin, but as you know, Bernard was very sick.

He expired from a hemorrhage as a result of his brain tumor.

Brain tumor?

Yes, his brain.

You didn't know?

Bernard was diagnosed very soon after he arrived here, and the tumor was inoperable.

I assumed that you two spoke.


I didn't...

I mean, so he wasn't...


Why didn't somebody tell me he was sick?

I'm very sorry that he didn't share this information with you but Bernard was a voluntary resident here, and the laws that protect patient confidentiality...


This is not a prison, Franklin.

It's a hospital.

Very few of our patients are committed by the state.

You mean he could have left here any time he wanted?


He took a walk every day until the tumor impaired his mobility.

Where did he go?

Just around the neighborhood, I would suppose.

Many of our residents like to go to the movies or the library or the bowling alley.

Bowling alley?

Yes, we have a very nice one just around the corner.

Franklin, I have some paperwork that I need you to sign, if you don't mind.

This one right here and this one.

And also, Bernard wanted me to make sure that I gave you this.

I want to see Bernard.

I want to see my brother.


A brain tumor.

Just like Mom.

"Cancer of the noggin," she called it.


You kept some secrets, Bernard.

Well, guess what?

You're not the only one with secrets.

I killed my landlord.

I killed my landlord.

He wanted the rent.

It was overdue, like it always is, and, I didn't have it.

Open up.

Oh, my! We need to talk.

Mr. Olivetti, I wasn't expecting you today.

Open up the door.

What the hell is going on? You like this? Huh?

This? You like this picture?

Yes, very much, actually.

How much you like it? I like it a whole lot.

In fact, that was given to me by my brother, Bernard.

Did he, now? Yeah, I don't care.

Mr. Allspice has been complaining again.

He says you've been blowing this thing all hours.

Not all hours. I blow it at 7:00 a. m. You know what he wants to do?

He wants to shove this horn right up your ass.

Should I tell him you might like it or what?


You wanna play a game? Huh?

I'm not in the mood of a playing a game.

And you are two months behind with your rent.

Do you have the money?

I never have it.

Okay, then you know the routine.

Put some mustard on it.

Pretend it's a pickle.

There you have it.

What's the hold up, cupcake?


Do you know what I think about when I'm doing that, Bernard?

I think about Switzerland.

I imagine I'm really blowing my mighty alphorn.

We need to talk.

Not with your mouth full. Come on.

I said, we need to talk.


Mr. Olivetti?

Are you all right?

I cannot move my arms, my legs.

You are so fucked.

It was an accident.

You're going to jail for this.

I'll make sure of it.

I was gonna smash his face in!

He just stopped breathing.

I would've killed him, though.

I was willing.

And that's what matters, right?

What have you left me this time, brother?

Another mystery?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hey... Fuck!

Hey. Easy, easy, easy.

What the fuck, dude?

You live here?

I ain't done nothing.

I didn't say that you did.

What's your name? Tommy.

What are you, a cop?

No, no. I'm a fire investigator, so you can relax.

I just want to ask you a few questions about your landlord, Albert Olivetti.

He's supposed to come by and fix my sink.

I haven't seen him.

Well, I would hire a plumber if I were you because he died in a fire last night.

Is he okay?

No, he's dead.


That's fucked up.

Who are your neighbors in this building?

There's an old bellicose fart up in 244 named Mr. Allspice.

The guy next door to me, in 240, what can I say? He's a fucking whack job.

Really? How so?

Well, he's always blowing on this humongous horn.

You know the ones from the cough drop commercials?

He's always parading around in his tighty-whiteys.

Him and the landlord, man... I don't know.

You don't know what?

Ever since he moved in, he's had something weird going on with the landlord.

You know, come rent time, his apartment's always Olivetti's first stop, if you know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean. So why don't you enlighten me?

Forget it.

I don't know nothing.

And I haven't seen nothing.

Nothing at all?

I know one thing. What's that?

Olivetti was an asshole and the world's a better place without him.

Look, I gotta go to work. Are we good?


So what's gonna happen with this building now that Olivetti's dead?

This shithole?

The city will blow it up. Standard procedure.

All right.

Everybody's a fucking comedian.



Hey, how you doing?

Smoke and turpentine? Is that what you smell?


That's pickle juice.

Fuck you.


Hey, Burt, what do you got?

Hey. Anything on the autopsy yet?

Not yet.

Ford truck?

No. Nothing yet.

All right, listen, I need a search warrant at the Marlton property. Apartment 240.

The tenant is a Franklin Franklin.

Say that again, Burt. I got Franklin twice.

Yeah, that's his name. Franklin Franklin.

I'm reading it right off his mail.

What do you got going over there, Burt?

I'll call you later with the details.

I gotta get the hell outta here.

Yeah? Where are you?

In the apartment. Jesus Christ.

Good job, Franklin. You solved my little riddle.

I'm very proud of you.

Unfortunately, I'm also very dead.

Which is good news and bad news.

On the downside, you are now alone in the world.

I know it's probably felt like that for a while, but, now it's official.

On the bright side, now that I'm dead, I can finally tell you the truth.

You remember, years ago when I did that audit for the distillery down in Kentucky?

They say when bourbon ages, about two percent of it evaporates each year.

They call it "the angel's share. "

And since Weiner and Fish always overbill our clients anyway, I figured I could skim the excess and call it "the Bernard share. "

Not a lot, but not a little.

And it added up fast.

To the tune of over 800 grand.


I would've told you about it, but then came the headaches, and the mood swings.

I had no control over what I might do or say.

Where is it?

Dr. Mennox! Where is it?

Where is it? Huh?

Where is it?

You said the answer was in your books.

I read your books, I read every one of them.

I didn't find anything. There's nothing there. Tell me where it is.

The answer to what?

You know what I'm talking about!

You know what answer I'm talking about! Just tell me where it is.

I'm looking for the answer. You said it was in there!

This man is clearly insane!

Come on.

Shit! Fuck!

So I checked myself into the psych center.

Open the envelope.

There's 10,000 bucks in there.

And there's plenty more where that came from.

There's also a passport with a picture.

Happy birthday, Mario Cardone of Philadelphia, PA.

Oh, and whatever you do, don't lose that little slip of paper.

That's the password sequence to your new Swiss bank account.

I stole the money from Weiner and Fish because they didn't deserve it.

But Franklin, I wasn't destined to enjoy it, either.

You know how Moses was good enough to lead the Israelites out of the wilderness, but he wasn't fit to enter the promised land?

Well, you're like the ancient Hebrews, Franklin, and now I have led you out of the bondage that is L.A.

Listen, Frank. I mean...

Mr. Mario Cardone of Philadelphia, PA, this money, this opportunity, this is my parting gift to you.

I'm fulfilling my promise to Mom and closing all accounts.

Make a fresh start, little brother.

I'm not holding you back anymore.

Go find your happiness.


I don't know you.

Well, now you do. I'm Burt Walnut. I'm a fire investigator.

You Mr. Allspice? What do you want?

I'd like to ask you a few questions about your landlord, Albert Olivetti, if you don't mind.

Come on.

Do I smell turpentine?

Wow. You're really good.

You're some fucking great investigator.

See, I clean my brushes with it.

Look, what do the cops want with Albert?

I'm not a cop. I'm a fire investigator.

Well, apparently there's no fire here, so what is it that you want?

Well, I...

I'm sorry to inform you that Albert Olivetti died in a fire last night at his home.

Is he all right?

No. He's dead.

Were you friends?

His wife died about the same time mine did. And...

So we knew each other

13 years.

You know, this was all supposed to be temporary.

You know, I sold the house when my wife died.

I could've gone anywhere. You know, Florida, Hawaii.


I came here.

Then I realize I've been in this same fucking apartment for 13 years.

I do the same thing every day.

I take this walk down to the corner to the Chinese restaurant.

I come back here and I eat my chicken fried rice every day.

In this shitbox.

Hey, what the fuck did you want anyway?

Well... I'm sorry.

Who are you avoiding? Your wife or your mistress?

I said, who are you avoiding? Your wife or your mistress?



Something she did or something she didn't do?

Someone she did.

Someone? That's a big one.

Yeah, that is a big one.

Well, was it a "one and done" kinda deal? One of them?

She swears.

Personally, I'd forgive her.

Really? Look, you're not a young buck anymore.

Living alone, as you can tell, is not terrific.

When was the last time you saw him? Saw who?


I didn't see him exactly, but I knew he was in there because, lot of noise, they were banging around like a couple wolverines wrestling.

But then last night, I see that, that moron, he's packing. He said he's moving to Sweden or something.

Would you mean Switzerland?

Sweden, Switzerland, wherever they think a giant elephant tusk is a musical instrument.

I don't know. Look, you're the investigator, you investigate.


What the fuck does it mean, anyway?

All right, listen, you've been a big help.

It's all bullshit.

So, thank you.

Thanks, dude.


Hey, Simone.

Do you remember what day it is today?



I'm leaving.

Oh, right. Yeah.

'Tis that season again.

The Sisterhood of the Traveling Panties.

You and your buddy, headed to Vegas.

Good luck with that, Simone.

You don't believe I'd get hired by the first dance club I walk into?

First of all, unless you call it what it really is, a strip club, AKA titty bar, maybe you're not ready to grind your bare ass against some old pervert yet.

You know, I'm not saying you can't. I'm just saying if you do, you're gonna be "that girl. ' '

What girl? "That girl. ' '

What girl? That girl whose mom had her at 15 and won't let her date because she doesn't want to be a grandma at 30.

That girl who uses sex on all the boys like her pussy's some universal remote, and then thinks we're assholes when all we wanna do is bang her.

You know, there's 10 of these chicks in every strip club like mass-produced Barbie dolls.

Except for they don't come with a Malibu Dream House.

They come with stretch marks and STDs.

Is that your goal, Simone?

What are you, a psychiatrist?

You're a fucking pothead, Tommy!

Yeah, a pothead who's five credits away from his degree in psychology.

Why don't you finish?

Because I don't wanna be "that guy. ' '

At least I have a plan. What is your big goal?

All I see is a stoner who works in a convenience store.

In a convenience-based society.

I am at the center of the action.

I have goals and I accomplish something every day.

What are you going to do? Twirl your titties for some Asian businessman?

Good plan.

Fuck you, Tommy.

Jerk off.

Come on, Simone.

I'm just jagging you.

Fuck you.

Walnut. Coroner gave me a preliminary.

Oh, this should be interesting. Shoot.

Report says massive trauma delivered beneath victim's chin enough to snap his neck, I guess, and to the rear of the victim's skull.

Puts time of death around 36 hours before discovery.

Medical examiner's conclusion, homicide by blunt force trauma.


Let me ask you something. This trauma, could it be caused by something like a horn?

A horn? Like a trumpet?

Yeah. Louis Armstrong killed him.

Louis Armstrong?

The first guy on the moon?

What, do you mean like a French horn?

No. Like a horn. Like a long horn.

Like the kind the guys with the short pants play in the Alps.

You know, in the mountains.

They use them to sell cough drops. A horn.

Cough drops? What the fuck are you talking about?

What the fuck are you guys talking about?

Never mind.

I got a present for you.

What's her name?

Search and seizure.

Hello, sweetheart.

Which one is it?

240. 240.

Yeah, you can smell it from here.

Come on, man.


What's up?

Let me get those Bilson Menthols. Hard pack.

All right.

Come on, focus, man. Let's go.

Put all the money on the counter, man! Do it now!

Yeah, yeah! Dude...

Just do it, man! Don't fuck with me!

Yeah, don't fuck with him! Shit!


Get the money, fuckface! The money!

The money, fuckface! Grab the fucking money! Fuck!

Just give me a second to capitulate, man!

All of it, man! Pull out the tray, shithead! All of it!

Lift up the tray, shithead! Come on, man, we ain't fucking around.

Fuckface, let's go! Come on, man, the money!

Fuckface, shit, fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Is someone back there? No.



You're okay.

I'm sorry I made fun of you.

Shut up, okay?

Whatever your dream is, that's okay.

Tommy, you shut up about that.

Okay? You shut up. You just have to breathe.

Why'd he have to shoot me?

Just breathe.

I want my mama.

I know.

I know.

Help's on the way, okay?

It's okay.

You're gonna be okay.

Don't be sorry.

Oh! Guess who?

It's the cousin fucker.

Yep. She's fucking my own cousin. Do you believe this?

You probably do because you're a dog.

That's what dogs do, they fuck their own cousins.

That's why they're dogs. They don't know.

Did you ever ask when you're sniffing around an ass, "Hey, are you my cousin?"

You don't. You just fuck away.

You're a cute little guy.

You want some? Come on, don't make me drink alone.

Come on.

How'd he do?

Number one and number two.

I'm so fucking jealous.

That's a good boy.

Whoever he is.

You all right, Burt?


Good boy.

What kind of man abandons his dog?

Okay. That's a good boy. You wanna go home, huh?

Okay. Yeah, I got it.

What's with all the police cars in the neighborhood? What's going on?

There was a shooting at that convenience store down the block.


Victim was this guy's neighbor.

A Thomas Balisteri.

I spoke to him this afternoon.

That goddamn phone has been ringing non-stop. Jesus.

He's an old-timer. We should check on him.

Come here, boy. Yeah. What?

I don't want this. You got him?

Yeah. Hold on.

Mr. Allspice?

It's Burt Walnut.

Mr. Allspice?

Mr. Allspice?

Hey, Burt.

Mr. Allspice?

Mr. Allspice?

He's dead.

It looks like he decided to take every pill in the apartment.

This one's for foot fungus.

Yeah, he was a sad guy.

He all right?

No. He's dead.

Hey, we got a lead on that missing vehicle. We gotta go.

Where's the dog? I stuck him in the other room.

Hey, you guys will call this in, right? I'll stay here for the EMT.

Come on.

The fucking dog pissed on my shoe.

Like my name's Dirty Harry.

Yo, man.

Oh, shit, man!

All right.

You got it? Be down in a minute.

Hey, Dan?


Let me ask you something.

Why do you put so much effort into saving a life that you know is already over?

I mean, why do you do that?

I mean, nothing's over until it's over.

Yeah, but this was over. This guy was dead.

Nah... I mean, the way I see it...

It ain't over until I quit.

If I try everything I got and nothing works, then all right.

Then it's over.


You gotta try.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, I do.

All right, lock it up.

See ya.

Take it easy, Burt.

It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit.

It's all bullshit.

That's not bullshit.


You were right. About what?

We located Olivetti's Ford truck and guess what?

We definitely have found our perpetrators. Couple of real mooks.

Wait, hold on.

Same caliber as the slugs found in the convenience store homicide.

The vehicle is registered to Albert Olivetti.


Maybe now you can stand down on that merkin angle, huh?


So these are the guys, Burt. We've got 'em driving the landlord's truck, and they used his weapon to commit the convenience store homicide.

It's a slam dunk. I'll call you back with the details.

You two fuckholes are in a shitload of trouble.


Hello, Mr. Allspice.

This is Franklin Franklin, your neighbor.

Franklin. Hello, Franklin.

Wait. You're not Mr. Allspice.

No, my name is Burt. I'm a friend of Mr. Allspice.

A friend? Allspice has a friend?

Yeah, I... I came by to visit him.

He went out to get some chicken fried rice for the two of us.

You know, for a change.

Can you relay a message to him?

I would really appreciate it if he would look after my dog.

Tell him my door is unlocked.

His food is on the... Franklin, why don't you tell me where you are, and I can bring your dog to you?

His food is on the floor and he eats twice a day.

Look, I know Mr. Allspice really hates my alphorn, but I don't think he has anything against my dog...

Franklin, I would really like to get some contact information.

I mean, what if something happens to the dog?

You'd like to know, wouldn't you?



Franklin? I'm here.

I'm sorry to be the one to bring you some bad news, but your landlord, Mr. Olivetti, was murdered.

But, Franklin, they caught the two guys who killed him.

Two young punks driving around in Olivetti's truck.

They thought that they could get away with it. Can you imagine that?

And from what I hear, this Olivetti was a bad guy.

Some might say that he had it coming to him.

Do you understand what I'm saying to you, Franklin?

I'm hanging up now.

Franklin, no, Franklin. Wait, I have one last question.

I'm here.

What's the dog's name?


His name is Bernard.

Enjoy the Alps.

Franklin, what are we so scared of?

You only get one shot at this life.

There are no do-overs.

Time wasted is time lost.

The past is a ghost, the future a dream.

There is only right now.

We need to forgive each other, Franklin.

Forgive and keep moving forward, because we're all so ridiculously imperfect.

And we need to find a place we call home.

A place where we know we're loved and we feel safe.

I see it all so clearly now.

It doesn't matter if you live in a small apartment or some big mansion on a hill.

It doesn't matter if you live in a mental institution or on some sunny beach in St. Croix.

It's all in your mind.

Every moment of your life is what you make it.

Pain, love, fear, happiness.

You choose to feel each of them.

So choose to be happy, Franklin.

Choose to be happy.

Because happiness is a state of mind.

Come on, Bernard.

All right, come on.

I got a dog.