Small Soldiers (1998) Script

GloboTech Industries, long recognized as the worldwide leader in high-tech weaponry... is now reaching even higher.

Under the leadership of CEO, Gil Mars...

GloboTech engineers are blazing the trail into tomorrow's most exciting sector.

Introducing advanced battlefield technology... into consumer products for the whole family.

For the first time, you and yours will enjoy the same high quality standards... as demanded by the Defense Department, at private sector prices.

GloboTech, turning swords into plowshares for you and your family.

He's here. He's early.

He's not supposed to be here yet. He said...

Slamfist optimal. Good. Check.


Hey. Hey. Let me help you with these.

Pretty exciting, huh?

I don't know. I think it's kind of sad.

Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids.

Gil Mars won't care about that. He's just going to care about profits.

I think it sucks.

Welcome to Earth. You may not be familiar with our customs... but things work like this down here, in the real world.

Well, the real world sucks. It does have its perks.

Gentlemen, I'm Ms. Kegel, executive assistant to Mr. Mars.

Hi. Let me be the first to welcome you to the GloboTech family.

Just as he's done with his computer, telecommunications and food divisions...

Mr. Mars intends to bring his own personal touch to Heartland Play Systems.

Well, that's good.


These are...

Where's everybody else? There is no longer any "everybody else".

Mr. Mars, it's an honor...

Cut the kiss-ass, pal. After I leave, I won't remember your name.

This is Irwin Wayfair. Great.

I'm told you two are responsible for this.

Yes, sir. That's Flatchoo, he's part of the Belch Brigade.

Actually, the whole line was Irwin's idea.

Once I did the marketing, it was the most successful product in company history.

That's why I bought the place and why you two are still onboard.

So, let's talk about the future.

Okay, these are Gorgonites. They... Hi. How are you today?

I'm late.

Okay. I drew up some pictures.

That's a picture you can have.

Alright, these are Gorgonites.

And this one... This is Archer. He's the grand, noble leader of...

Okay, and Troglokhan... the navigator who navigates.

Okay, they're monsters from the land of Gorgon.

They've come to our world and are lost.

To return to Gorgon, they have to learn all about our world.

This way, kids can learn and do research...

Excuse me. Did you say "learn"? Learn... Learn, yeah.


Mr. Mars, let me introduce you to...


Chip Hazard, leader of the Commando Elite.

It's called multimedia, Irwin. Look into it.

The future is here. A new age has dawned... for action!

The world's most awesome high-tech fighting force... is ready to battle for the next millennium.

Chip Hazaraj reporting for duty! Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on.

Wait. Hold on. Can they really do that?

Do what? Punch out of the box.

No. I didn't think so.

There's a disclaimer. Legal says we're completely covered.

You know what I'm sick of?

Commercials showing trucks popping up on Mount Rushmore... and parking on Abraham Lincoln's head. Okay?

I'm sick of shampoo commercials that say women can look like Claudia Schiffer... after one cycle of rinse and repeat.

What if these toys actually could talk?

What if they could walk? What if they could actually kick ass?

Nick Nitro!

I'm talking about toys that are so smart, when kids play with them, they play back.

Toys that actually do what they do in the commercials.

That's an interesting idea.

Forget the "Batteries not included" crap.

Put in a lifetime GloboTech lithium cell.

They'll run forever. That'll piss off the guys at Eveready.


How's this slogan? "The Commando Elite. Anything else is just a toy."

"Everything else is just a toy." That's good, too. Sure.


You know, that kind of computing power doesn't really seem feasible...

Irwin, we're part of GloboTech. We can find the technology.

Our missiles can find a bastard 7,000 miles away and stick a warhead up his ass.

This won't be a problem. They're soldiers. What do soldiers need?

Hats? Camouflage?

Ms. Kegel? Enemies, sir.

Enemies. See, these hideous, ugly freaks are the enemy... and our guys have to find them and vaporize them.

No, they're not... Sir?

Don't you think that's a bit violent?

Exactly. So call it action, not violence.

Kids love action. It sells.

Besides, what are you worried about? They're only toys.

I can't believe this. This is really wrong.

It's a total perversion of everything I designed these Gorgonites to be!

Can it, Irwin. This is a golden opportunity.

If we pull this off, Mars will be eating out of our hands.

By the way, gentlemen, Mr. Mars expects the product ready for shipment in three months.

Three months?

No. It takes at least six months.

There's product testing and focus...

Three months is fine. Tell Mr. Mars they'll be ready then.

Alright, then. These are your security cards.

They give you unlimited access to all top-secret Globo technology.

And these are your individual, secret passwords.

Memorize them now.

Mine's "Gizmo." I said "secret."


Password. Password. What's my password?



Let's find us some chips.

Some really good chips.

A lot of really good chips.

The X1000.

Hello, Mr. Chips.

This looks like a nice store. Look at those toys.

Come on, Grandma. This place never has anything good.

Hey Alan.

How's the world treating you?

You, Joe, are the highlight of my day. Jeez, tough break, kid.

New truck? New owner. See?

Soon everything will be owned by one giant corporation.

Then, it's good-bye microbreweries.

So, where's your dad? I got his order.

He's going out of town tonight for a seminar.

Wait a second. He left you in charge?

Hey, I was as surprised as you.

I think he's starting to trust me again. Or maybe he didn't have a choice.

What's the seminar?

"How to make a success of your small business."

I suggested torching the place. Not a good idea.

Arson forensics nowadays are very sophisticated.

"Gorgonites and Commando Elite."

What are those?

Let's find out.


Major Chip Hazard, reporting for duty, sir!

Wow. Voice activated. Not bad.

They move, they talk. They got a built-in, two-way radio.

"Buy a second commando and communicate with a friend."

Halt! Who goes there?

Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

Awfully polite for a monster.

You never have to replace the battery. That's a good thing.

Hey, Joe. Do you think you could front me a set of these?

What? Sort of lend them to me.

You got plenty in the truck. Yeah...

That's Toy World's inventory for the month.

This order's paid for. I don't wanna get my ticket pulled.

I'll pay you back after I sell them.

What about your dad's policy, no war toys?

Don't worry about my dad. By the time he gets back, they'll be sold.

And this place we'll have made some money for once.

I don't know. What?

You're saying that never in your career has anything just fallen off.

I don't like your tone. Sorry.

It's too loud.

Okay, one whole set.

I'll lose the paperwork someplace.

I had better not regret this. You won't. I swear.

And you've got to get them off the truck.

I hope you know, what you're doing. I could get in trouble for this.

No one will know. They better not.

These toys don't go on sale officially until Monday.

I could loose my job. I could loose my house.

And my wife!

Thanks, Joe. I owe you one. You owe me twelve!

Good luck, kid.


I wanted to go to Toy World. Life is full of disappointments.

Go look around.

His birthday's next week. Mom said I had to take him shopping.

Great. What kind of stuff is he into?

Dinosaurs, mutant freaks. Anything that maims, kills or destroys.

I just got in...

You're Alan Abernathy. You moved into the house behind mine.

I've heard about you.

You have? Yeah.

How come I never see you after school?

Well, I'm kind of stuck here.

What kind of toy store is this?

It's my dad. He thinks these toys are cool.

Too bad nobody else does.

The Commando Elite will rid the Earth of the Gorgonites.

The Gorgonites are peaceful. We mean no harm.

Gorgonite, you are a hideous freak. You will be vaporized.

Civilian, declare your allegiance.

Hey, cool!

I know what I want!

I want the soldier! They're walking and fighting and they're so cool!

Where'd they go?

What about this one?

No, I want the other one.

Major Chip Hazard. He's the one.

How much are these? A lot.

Mom and Dad won't buy you one of these.

Yes, they will. They buy you those stupid Gwendy dolls.

Alright, Timmy.

Save me one of the buff guys.

And a monster, too. I don't think so, brat.

I'll find it and hold it till tomorrow. How about the flame-thrower?

When will I get that toy? Never, if you don't shut up.

Bye. Bye.

Say "hi" once in a while.

Meet death with honor, coward. There you are.

Congratulations. You're practically sold.

You, I'm not so sure about.



Oh, man! Dad's ticket!

Okay, suitcase... briefcase, keys. Keys. Where are my keys?

Right where you left them. Oh, and where did I leave them?

What is wrong with me? What else?

Stuart, please, try to relax. Yeah...

Remember why we moved here. To get away from the stress.

To eliminate the stress. To... exhale... the stress. Exhale... the stress.

Mom! I know what I want for my birthday. I want a Major Chip Hazard.

Don't upset your father. Hi, Dad.

Hi, sweetie. What's up?

Al here was just telling me... Ed.

He was just telling me the angle of the Earth's tilt on its axis... relative to the orbit of the transmission satellite...

...restricts the placement for optimum reception.

Um, yeah.

In other words, this tree is in the way.

Rig ht. Exactly.

No problemo.

Hey! Knock that off!

Hey Stuart, dish guy says the tree has to go. You don't mind, do you?

Yes, I mind! What?

I said, "yes, I mind!" What the hell are you doing, Phil? This is my tree!

Happy to do the work. What are neighbors for? Isn't the dish a beauty?

No, no, no. This tree is beautiful.

That dish is just one more piece of techno-crap... to go along with the rest of your stockpile of techno-crap!

You're already pulling so much juice, you got us living in a cancer node.

There's never been any conclusive data... Give me that saw, Phil. Come on.

Stuart, come on. Airplane now, vendetta later.

I'll check the zoning laws, but I think they'll prove me right.

Hasn't he heard of the dishes that go on top of your house?

Maybe they don't get as many channels. He probably got a deal.


Alan, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be in the shop.

You forgot your ticket. Oh, my ticket.

Thank you, son. Way to stay heads up.

Occasionally I do something right. Right. I'm out of here.

Hurry but drive carefully. Okay. I'll call you when I get there.

Hey, give me a smooch.

Bye-bye. Bye, son. See you later, Dad.

Bye-bye! Bye-bye!


Did you empty the cash register? Yes.

Did you empty the cash register? Both quarters and all 6 pennies.

And yes, I shut off the lights. Just asking.

It's possible I make it through the entire day without screwing up.

What the..

How the heck did you get in here?

What was it? Halt! Who goes there?

Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

Sure you are.

Beware. There will be no mercy. Is that so?

Beware. There will be no mercy.

I'll be real careful. Thanks for the advice.

Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

What is your name? I'm Alan. Now shut up.

I have to do my homework.

Greetings, Alan-now-shut-up.

What did you say?

You just said my name, didn't you?

Didn't you?


Commandos! Ten-hut!

Commando Elite, fall in!

Sound off, soldiers!

Butch Meathook, sniper. Lethal from any distance, sir!

Good to have you aboard.

Nick Nitro. Demolition is my mission.

I served with your father. He was a good man.

Brick Bazooka, artillery. Ready to go full bore, sir!

Save it for the enemy. Link Static, communications. Awaiting orders, sir!

Double up on your rations, Sparky.

Kip Killagin, covert insurgent. Sharp as a razor, sir!

Let me see that weapon.

Standard issue is insufficient.

Alright, ladies, now listen good.

Our mission: Destroy the Gorgonite enemy. Defeat him!

Yes, sir!

There will be no mercy.

Search the area and secure new arms.

Commandos, fall out!



What the heck are you?

You're not like any toy I've ever seen.

Come on, speak up.

Greetings, Alan-now-shut-up. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

I think you're smarter than you're letting on.

I bet you're smart enough to get my name right. It's Alan. Just Alan. Got it?

Greetings, Alan.

I knew it. Walk to the end of the table.

Don't play dumb with me. You know what I'm saying.

Alan, friend of Archer... defender of all Gorgonites, keeper of Encarta.

Keeper of Encarta?

You were using my computer?

If I find a virus in there, you're headed for the microwave.

Beware. There will be no mercy.

Are you threatening me?

The Gorgonites must be free. There will be no mercy.

Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war by dying for his country.

He won it by being all that he can be.

Damn the torpedoes or give me death!

Eternal vigilance is the price of duty.

And to the victors go the spoils. So, remember:

You are the best of the best of the few and the proud!

So, ask not what your country can do for you, only regret that you have but one life to live.

The war against the Gorgonites will be won!

Commando Elite, let the first shot be fired!

Search out the Gorgonites and frag them all!

Attack! Yeah!

Get him! Jump on him!

Plastic at twelve o'clock!

Let's kick some Gorgonite butt! Archer, where are you, anyway?

I am in so much trouble.

There will be no mercy.

This is what you meant?

How could toys do this?

Alas, poor Troglokhan.

I'm sorry, Archer. That's all the pieces I could find.

The Commando Elite have destroyed Troglokhan.

What about the other Gorgonites? And where are the Commandos?

Hi. We're closed. See the sign?

I'll be quick. I just came for Major Chip and the monster.

I can't sell you them. Sorry. But you're the only store that has them.

And my parents just caved. The toys are gone, alright?

Well, what about him?

Oh, him... He's defective.

And the rest were stolen. That's too bad.

Alan... we must find the...

Oh, my God.

Who did this?

Are you pulling some kind of insurance scam?

I swear, I did one thing wrong. That's it! And I'm branded for life.

So, it is true.

I heard your parents moved here because you got kicked out of ten different schools.

I did not. No?

It was two. Only two...

So... you need some help?

Alan, can I talk now? No.

I can't believe they broke my dad's radio.

Do you ever watch that show, Family of Five?

Sure... You like it?

It's okay. Thank God!

Me neither. I hate it. It's so lame.

I'm sick of hearing it's so great. I can't stand the parents. They're so nice.

The worst. Where do these go? Over there.

I'm more of an X-files guy myself.

"The truth is out there", Alan.

You like Led Zeppelin? Yeah, they're the greatest.

They're my favorite band.

You're not like other girls. I know.

I can't believe we've finished. It took less time than I thought.

And the boat looks great.

It wasn't that messed up. The mast was the hardest part.

He'll never know.

So, what did you do?

Come on, Alan. I've heard the story ten times already.

Don't deny it. They say you're a real terror.

Yeah, that's me, a real terror.

I did some graffiti, flooded the faculty bathroom. Stuff like that.

My shrink told my parents I was "acting out."

I heard you called a bomb scare on Parents' Day.

That's when I got caught. Bummer.

I got put on probation for a while.

But that was a long time ago. I'm a totally different person now.

Sure. No, really.

Hey, Alan, how's it going?


I was on my way home from the airport. I thought I'd stop to say hello.

And check up on me? And check up on you.

Of course. That's my job. Me Dad, you son, right?

This is Christy. Hi.

From next door. Hello.

Alan, what happened here? Nothing.

Nothing happened.

Oh, really?

Then, how do you explain this? I was dusting it and it fell over.

Dusting with what? A croquet mallet?

I should go.

I almost forgot my stuff.

Bye, Alan.

You go home, too. I'll close up.

I can do it. Obviously you can't. Go home.


I'm really sorry about that. I have parents, too.

If that's all he sees, you got off lucky.

Here are your toys. Thanks.

Hey Christy, what happened? I thought you were coming by practice today.

Sorry, Brad. Something else came up.

I know you. You're the kid who set his old school on fire, right?

Yeah, just to watch it burn. Whatever.

We got a scrimmage with the JV. Come on, you can cheer me on.


See you later.

Let's see...

What do I need?

Coping saw.

I don't believe it!

Alan, we must... Shut up!

The Gorgonites... You're nothing but trouble.

Alan, we must...

Link Static to command post.

Have targeted single Gorgonite with civilian escort.

Approaching your position. Over.

Roger, Private Static. Copy that.

Brick Bazooka, front and center.

Sir! Prepare for assault, Sergeant.

Don't fire till you see the whites of his eyes.

Prepare to fire the bazooka.


Gorgoniten K9-Korps.

Watch it. I'll have your dog tags.

What are you doing here?

Go home.

Coming LIP-

Hand over hand.

I'm coming for you, Gorgonite.

Damn potholes.

Command post to Brick Bazooka. Report.

Repeat: This is command post. Report.

Brick Bazooka reporting.

Target escaped en route to enemy stronghold, sir.

I'm pretty messed up, sir.

Hold on, son. We're on our way.

Wrong gauge. Insert tab A into slot B.

Turn until dick.

Bite the bullet, pal. It'll be okay.

Here's the tape. Let's close him up.

Go ahead, kid. Let it out.

It's a small world after all.

Hello, Heartland Play Systems. How may I help you?

Yes, I'm having some trouble with one of your...

What is the name of the toy and the nature of the problem?

The toys are the Gorgonites. There are no more Gorgonites.

And the Commando Elite.

They are the mortal enemies of the Gorgonites. And What is the problem?

The Commandos wrecked my dad's store and destroyed the Gorgonites!

The Commando Elite are designed to fight the Gorgonites.

No, they destroyed them, and now they're gone!

I'm sorry, but Heartland Play Systems does not replace lost toys.

I didn't lose them! Is there a machine I can talk to?

Just transfer me to a machine! Fine.

Have a nice day, ma'am. I'm not a ma'am!

Please state the name of your toy and nature of your problem.

Your damn Commando Elite wrecked my dad's store... destroyed the super Gorgonites and ran off! Got it? Lawsuit! Got that?

Alan Abernathy, 330-555-0125.

Destroy Gorgonites... Shut up!

Alan... Don't talk to me!

Not a word!

On Monday morning, at 0900 hours...

250,000 Commandos and 250,000 Gorgonites will fight side by side... with children everywhere, trying to separate mommy and daddy... from the money in their wallets.


Okay, now listen to this.

They cover 100 merchandise licensees for the next two months.

You won't be able to turn on a TV, board a bus... open a lunch box, or put on your own underwear... without seeing the Gorgonites raging war with the Commando Elite!

What do you think of that, Mr. Mars?

Well, it's a start.

Larry...? Larry.

Larry, folks.

You know, when I started this company... We have to talk.

Get off of me. We have a big problem. It's urgent.

What are you doing here? Stop it. Get away from me.

Alan Abernathy, 330-555-0...

That's where voice mail cut him off.

It's not a problem. It's not?

No. These things go on sale Monday. How did this kid get hold of them?

It's industrial espionage. I got two words for you: Counter suit.

One word: Countersuit. Two words...

It's two words, Larry! What if this kid's telling the truth?

We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.

Come on! How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard.

The design is standard, the materials are standard...

...the mechanicals are standard. Even the...

What's, "Oh"? What?

You just said, "Oh." No, I said, "Oh."

"Oh" like, "That's interesting" or like, "We're screwed"?

No. I mean, "hey, whoa, oh".

Forget the "Oh". I'll go to legal to start on the countersuit.

The chips!

That's the "Oh." Yeah! These microprocessing chips.

What do they do and where did you get them from? You know, they microprocess.

And they come from the land of "l Saved Your Job".

They were designed for the Defense Department.

You put munitions chips in toys?

Archer... emissary of the Gorgonites.

Where are you?

Beware. There will be no mercy.

We're lost. We need to find our homeland.

Yeah, our homeland.

We're in trouble. Please find us.

You've got to help us find Goron. Goron?

It's "Gorgon", moron.

I hope he comes. We're no match for the awesome Commandos.

Yeah, everything else is just a toy.

Kitty, kitty, kitty...

Grab him! Hold him down! Hold him down!

Get that leg!

String him up!

Tell us what we want to know.

I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.


Where are the rest of the Gorgonite scum?

We have ways of making you talk.

Make it easy on yourself. If you tell us, we'll let you go.

It will go easier for you if you cooperate.

I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

Alright! Let's dispose of this garbage.

Hey, it's the kid. Commandos, pull back! Retrograde movement!


You little...

Give me that! That's mine, punk!

Surrender, Gorgonite ally.

You just met your match. Oh, yeah?

Surrender or die!

Medic! Medic!

Come out!

Alan, what the hell is going on here?

Medic! Alan, your hand! What happened?

How did you cut your hand? And what are you doing down here?

Medic! Mom, Dad, it's okay.

While you were gone, I bought some soldier toys from Joe.

I figured I could sell them before you got back.

And for once, I would have made the store a little money.

I know it was the wrong thing to do. I'm sorry.

There, I said it.



I think it's very honest of you to tell the truth.

So, you pawned my woodworking tools so you could pay Joe?

No! I'm pretty sure the toys took them. What?

The toys.

Are you trying to upset me? I mean, are you deliberately making...?

Stop it...

What was the word? Projected... aggression.

Projected aggression... It's not aggression!

It's these toys! It's like they're alive. Look Come on, Archer. Back me up here.

Say something.

Halt! Who goes there? Talk to me!

Alan... Alan, please.

I need to ask you this:

Are you on crank? No!

Then is it crystal meth, tar, smack? Irene...

We need to know! Mom, I'm not on drugs!

It's these soldiers! Alright, that's it! Stop it.

I mean, Alan, I... lam... at a loss

You! Why didn’t you say anything! mg?

"Shut up! Don't talk to me! Not a word!"

Wise guy. I should shred the bunch of you.

My dad thinks I'm insane. Christy thinks I'm an idiot... and when Joe finds out I can't pay him back, he'll break my legs.

The Gorgonites are not destroyed. What?

Major Hazard seeks the location of the Gorgonite scum.

They are not destroyed.

'Cause if the Commandos destroyed them they wouldn't be looking for them.

Alright, where are they?

My Gorgonite brothers are doing what the Gorgonites do best:

They are hiding.

Commando Elite, fall in! Sir! Yes, sir!

We have met the enemy. He is big. He is fast.

He has allied himself with the Gorgonite scum.

The rules of engagement have changed. Private Static!


Wow! This place is a gold mine.

Holy smokes. Look at all this hardware.

Technological superiority. Dibs on the chain saw.

Falling in, sir...

Out of the way.

It's only a flesh wound, sir.

Rest easy. You've done your job.

Did we win?

We will.

Nick Nitro's battery has run out.

But his memory will keep going and going and going.

His death will be avenged.

Commandos, secure the perimeter! Tap all communications!

Roll some armor! We got us a war to win.

If it launches, lacerates or detonates...

I want it mobile and I want it lethal! Sir! Yes, sir!

They're not in the storeroom, they're not here.

Monsters shouldn't be hiding but fighting Commandos.

We would lose. It is what we were programmed to do.

Hide and lose? Those are some great options...

If I was a Gorgonite, where would I be?

I'm hiding because I'm a loser. I've got zero self-esteem... and my brain's the size of a peanut.

Where would I be?

This is so gross.

Hello? Is anybody in there?



What was that? It's the Gorgonites.


Punch-It. Scratch-It.

Hey, hey, hey! Great to be back. But seriously, what a dump.


Okay! Hey, are you a kid or oil painting? Now, seriously, folks...

Don't worry, Archer. We was hiding.



We fixed him. We tried to fix him.

Hey, my dad's radio. Some assembly required.

So am I nuts? What’s going on here? Give me a call, 1-800-TALK-TO-ME.


Like Frankenstein.

At least you're all here. Maybe Joe won't break my legs after all.

Access approved.

Let me get this straight.

You used my password to order surplus military chips that might be dangerous?

Hey! Hey! Hey! It's okay. It's okay.

That's supposed to happen. See? Dean room.

Dean. Let's just go in.

You okay? Yeah, yeah...

That's him. That's Ralph.

Hi. Who are you? You don't belong here.

I'm Larry Benson. You supplied my division with some microchips.

Oh yes. Larry Benson...

The X1000. Worked out better than you dreamed, didn't they?

Actually, there was a little problem.

Then it's with your software.

I don't think there's a problem with the software, Ralph.

Oh, you don't?

The X1000 is a masterpiece.

Imagine a microchip... sophisticated enough to control the guidance systems of ballistic missiles.

Imagine it can be used to instantly upgrade any system it's plugged into.

Like a smart drug for machines. Then, imagine it can learn.

What are you talking about? Artificial intelligence?

No. Actual intelligence.

No wonder those philistines at the Pentagon didn't appreciate it.

One flaw and they scrap the whole project.

So there is a flaw in the chips.

Well... they're a little bit sensitive to EMP.

EMP...? Electromagnetic pulse?

Yeah, you know, the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device.

I doubt even the toy industry has become quite that competitive.

They said, "Adequate shielding wasn't cost effective."

Did the Medici ever tell Michelangelo:

"Sorry, Mike, marble's not cost-effective. Here's a bag of cement"? I think not!

Gesundheit. Thank you.

There shouldn't be any problem, just because the chips can learn.

Am I not being dear?

They learn within the boundaries of their programming.

Whatever the core programming, the X1000 enhances it.

So, if you have a problem, it's in your software.

Quick impression: Jimmy Cagney. "Top of the world, Ma."

Talk about hampering your career.

Grab him!

It looks so real, don't it?

Hit him.

Friend of yours?

What am I going to do with you guys?

221... 222...

Oh... There goes the record.

Hey, not so close. You'll ruin your eye.

What are you looking at?

I dunno.

Hello? Alan?

Christy? Well, are you grounded?

No, my dad cooled off So, we did it.

Yeah, and the best part is, I found all those lost toys.

You were really a big help. Cool.

Hey! So, Alan, boxers or briefs?

Get those off your head. But seriously...

Hey, what's going on?


Listen, I was thinking maybe we should celebrate sometime.

Go to a movie or something.

Alan, I only date older guys. It's nothing personal.

What I mean i5 officially I'm going out with Brad.

What about unofficially? Or... superficially?

There is one guy. But he's kind of a smart aleck and a bit of a troublemaker.

I’m sure he'd be willing to give it all up for you.

I know I would. Oh, Alan.

It's party time!

One phat ride!

Transmission intercepted.

The Gorgonites are bivouacked at the enemy stronghold.

And the enemy has revealed an age-old weakness.

I’m sure he'd be willing to give it all up for you. I know I would.

Put yourself in for a commendation.

Soldiers! We have a window of opportunity.

We will exploit it, drown the enemy out and crush the Gorgonites!

We must go behind enemy lines to secure a hostage.

Prepare to move out. Hop it, jarheads!

I guess you guys are safe as long as you stay here.

What are you looking for? Gorgon.

This is a national park. The Isle of Gorgon is our homeland.

Will you help us find it? I don't think you will find it in there.

Alan, if Gorgon is not in that window, is it in this one?

There's nothing in windows.

There's stuff outside them.

What stuff?

You know, outside. Trees, power poles...

Christy's house And beyond that?

The mall.

And beyond that? The highway.

And beyond that?

About a million acres of farm.

And what's beyond that?

I don't know.


Live, via satellite, 257 channels.

Closed captioning for the hearing impaired and Dolby Stereo where available - which is right here, right now!

What a great picture. It's perfect.

I don't know... It looks kind of fuzzy.

Let me try something else.

Oh, for Pete’s sake! Phil!

Maybe if I tweak the brightness a little.

No, no, it's the chroma. The flesh tone's way off.

No. Now it's green. Stand down, men.

There's a ghost. We must neutralize these civilians.

I paid a lot for this thing. I don't want any ghosts.

Follow me.

It's a trap, sir.

Bring it here, soldier.

Chemical warfare.

Operation Sandman.

Fire when ready, Private.

Audie Murphy. Our most decorated war hero.

I think World War II was my favorite war.

No sign of the target, sir. Area is secured.

Don't worry. She'll be here.

This is where we'll engage the target.

Set up concealed positions and prepare for ambush.

Oh, man!

I can't believe they got me the whole set.

Hold your fire, men.

Cool, you can talk. You must be the leader.

Except one day, you get shot.

And this guy gets promoted. And now he's the leader. Yes!

It wasn't my idea, Major. Commandos, attack!

Pile on the kid!

Son, you can be a prisoner or a casualty. It's up to you.

Sir, over here, Sir. Oh, man, I hate babysitting.

What is it, soldier? Take a look, sir.

Bombshells, sir.

Fully posable...

Hello, dolly!

Sweet stuff!


R and R, sir? Request a 3-day pass, sir.

Denied. Gentlemen, this is the new army. Those are reinforcements.

Bring me the head of Nick Nitro. Move.

Soldier, your memory will live on.

Damn... Criminy!

I think I'm gonna hurl.

A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

It's alive! It's alive!

Hi, there. Cannon Fodder Gwendy, reporting for duty, sir.

Carry on, soldier.

I feel your pain.

Alan, the Commando Elite are in the trees.

They're not moving because of the Commandos.

It's the wind.

See? I see your hand.

The wind is blowing. You can feel it.


Rig ht. Plastic. Sorry.

It's kind of hard to describe.

Weather patterns, wind chill factor.

Just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it doesn't exist.



Mom? Dad? I'm home.

They're asleep.

You know what that means? They could wake up any second.

You know, you are such a major hottie. And you are such a major sweet talker.

Good night. Night.

My bike won't start. I got nowhere to go. Can I come in?

No, that's not it.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

Let's do something fun. We'll all get facials.

Did I overpluck my eyebrows?

Now it's our turn to play with you Let's see if her head comes off.


Look. A man. Alley-oop.

Such nice broad shoulders. Do you work out?

What's your sign, big boy?

Makeovers are such a blast.

That haircut is so five minutes ago.

Are you dumping me?

Get off!

You! Maggot!

An officer and a gentleman doesn’t strike a lady. What?

Are you scared?

We're all scared.

You'd have to be crazy not to be scared.


What? What do you see?

Ocula? Are you Alright?

Settle down. You'll be okay.


Smile, girlie. Alan, I'm safe. I have not been harmed.


„I am making this statement of my own free will and under no duress.” Yeah, right! Ow! Stick to the script! Read like we wrote it.

Okay... Make it snappy.

„ I will be released safely and unharmed... only if the following conditions are met:

One: Surrender the Gorgonite scum. „ That's it. Faster, or we stick you.

Alan, you have to help. Zoom in. Get those tears.

Stop lt...! What else is on?


If Major Chip Hazard wants a war, we'll give him a war.

Please, Alan, don't do this.

We're afraid. We're your friends.

Have mercy. You are a traitor.

Hi, how you doin' tonight? Welcome to the big cardboard box.

We'll never see Gorgon again.

Alan seemed so nice. Why would he do this to us?

Three words, folks: Pu-ber-ty.

Enemy contact. Advance with caution. Roll!

Sorry, sir.

How could you betray us? We're free.

Have mercy. The Commandos will kill us.

Gentlemen, it looks like they blinked. Advance and envelop.

Sir! Yes, sir!

Alan, I'm feeling very insecure.

I'm allergic to cardboard. Pass it on.

Are you ready, Archer?

Alan, are you sure this is a good idea?

Alan, you traitor. We Gorgonites must be free.

I don't feel well. Alan, don't do it. You'll be guilt-ridden.

My aunt was buried alive. I'm very daustrophobic.

Rock and roll!

I love this job!

Are you Alright?

All my make-up is cruelty-free.

You come here often? Will you take me to the prom?

If you can't accessorize, pulverize.

You've been a bad boy. Now you must be punished.

Watch out, girls. Hissy fit.

You're to die for.

Run! She's got a baton!

It's a baton death march.

She's gone postal!

Oh, I broke a nail.

I've always hated these things! Oh, the humanity!

This is it, men.

Commandos, the enemy has deployed a decoy target.

Return to primary positions.

This is fun!

You bitch, you're killing me!

Christy... Christy!

You rescued me.


Let's go get those creeps.

We have to wake my parents.

Open fire!

We have the enemy on the run. Exploit and pursue.

You've done this before. Once or twice.

Watch it.

You watch it.

We got to get help.

Anyone got a garage door opener?

Commandos, attack!


Time to plant the corn.

Expect no mercy, Gorgonite ally!

I'll get the bike.

Get on! Hurry!

Hot pursuit!


Right side, lock! Left side, lock!

Ramming speed!

Hold on!

They're toast.

You think I could drive home? Good idea.


Your kid kidnapped my daughter!

He tied up my son and drugged me and my wife. Marion is still tripping!

Time to hide again.

Not to mention the damage to my house.

We have lost the battle. We will not lose the war.

That's the last of them.

I think that's all of Friday's delivery. Why did they want it back?

You know the downs that make these decisions.

They don't care we're standing around freezing, in the middle of the night... as long as everyone knows who's in charge.


Right hand doesn't know what the left hand is screwing up.

Greetings. You've been drafted.

Move! Is this entire household insane?

He says that toy is alive just because it moves a little.

What's next? The Blue Fairy drops by with a talking cricket?

Dad, he's telling the truth!

He's brainwashed you, hasn't he? Don't worry, honey.

We'll get you the best deprogrammer money can buy.

You can't change programming.

Look. Another one.

I told you they were hiding. It's what they do.

That's it. Come on, Christy. Dad!

Timmy, Marion, we're out of here. Oh, no...

Don't be a stranger, Phil.

Yes, we're with Heartland Play Systems, Consumer Satisfaction.

Is Alan Abernathy here? That's Alan, right there.

How you doing? We understand you acquired some of our fine products.

There's a chance they might be... defective.

But there's no reason to think they could do any harm.

Oh, there's reasons. There is a problem with the Commandos.

Really What problem? Bear in mind, you will be called into court to support your claim.

Your toys nearly killed my son! Stuart...

Don't say calm down! Calm was killing me.

And You! You owe my son an apology!

Hey, Larry. Look. It's Archer.

Greetings. I am Archer. Who are you?

I'm Irwin. I designed you and all the Gorgonites.

He's the creator. Hey...

You're all here. Everyone has to be somewhere.

That's true. My mom used to...

Making declarative statements? Formulating inquiries?

Lights out.

Something's going on out there.

That's weird. There's a Heartland truck outside.

More Commandos? A lot more.

Dad, come see this for yourself.

" Chip? " Chip?

Dead Chip? The Chip we killed? Maybe we didn't kill him enough.

Oh, my...

Commandos, fall out!

Secure the left perimeter! Secure the right perimeter! Move out!

Sir, yes, sir!

Assault formation. Go!

If war is hell, let's give them hell.

We didn't start this war, but we're damn sure going to end it.

I'm scared.

It'll be Alright. They're not after you.

They just want to kill the little monster people.

That's right. We're just caught up in some stupid game.

Well, game over.

Mr. Fimple, wait a second. No, Alan.

Let him go.

Archer... The Gorgonites must lose.


I'm Phil Fimple.

I'm here to negotiate the surrender of the...

Gorgonzolas. Here's our proposal:

Hey! Take them!

He's selling us out. The guy's a regular Arnold Benedict.

Switch 'em off, take them apart, steal their batteries, whatever it is you...

People do.


Is that my JVC?

There will be no surrender! There will be no mercy!

All Gorgonite scum must die!

Bomb them all the way back to preschool. Recon estimates Gorgonite scum strength at 16!

16? Where did they get 16 from?

Seven Gorgonites and nine people.

Well, you heard our proposal. Phil, get in here! Hurry!

These negotiations are over!

We are the Commando Elite. Everything else... is just a toy.

What are they doing? Psychological warfare.

The Marines did this against Noriega.

Phil. Phil! What?

I love this song!

Fimple, turn that off!

Go, go] go!

Lock and load.

Nail them!

Open fire!

Get down!

They're shooting again! Oh no!


Honey? Oh, boy...

Stuart, Phil, barricade that window! Alan, get back.

Get back!




How are they... Look out! Back!

Alan, put out the fires. Nerds, side windows.

Marion, Timmy... the closet. Come on, come on. Hurry!

Just get in. Get down.

I have that coat. Yes.

Frag 'em all!

I'll call the police! Phil, Christy, push this back. Careful.



Great balls of fire!

The phone's dead. Nice forehand, honey.


I'm hit!

More shells!

Take the house!

We have to stop them before my wife gets tennis elbow.

An electromagnetic pulse would work. That would fry the chips.

Great, all we need now is a nuclear warhead.

I doubt I'll have one in the junk drawer.

Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?

The chips aren't shielded against an EMP. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

That's why the military never used them.

What kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

That would be "Gizmo" over here.

Actually, any electrical device generates a magnetic field, just not a big one.

We'll need a big one.

Fire in the hole!

Alan, the window.

I don't know but I've been told Gorgonite blood runs mighty cold.

No, Alan.

Way to stay heads up.

Continue artillery barrage!

Take cover! Stay low!

There's a power pole back there with two huge transformers.

Could we use those to create the electromagnetic whatever?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we could get them to explode.

That would fry their chips, for sure.

You could connect the transformers.

We just need to put something metal between them.

You get a nice power boost. Right up until they overload and blow up.

It only happened once!

That's it.

This should work.



Whatever you're thinking, forget it. You're not going out there.

There's no time! It's too dangerous.

We've only got one chance! You are my responsibility... and I'm not about to let you go. Dad, there's no other way!

You have to trust me.


It's dark in here. It's night, genius.

I mean, power has to be going through the transformers for them to overload.

The power's on at my house and we've tons of crap to turn on.

We have to wedge the breakers open in your fuse box.

Come on, Larry. I hate you, Irwin.

We have met the enemy and he is you!


I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning.

Oh, my God. Phil, in here, in here.

It's locked!

Up! UP, Up.

Balcony's closed. Down, down, down.

Descend and destroy.

Oh, hi, honey.

Let me in. Damn it! Fimple, you freak! Let me in!

All quiet on the Western front yard!

Go and turn on every piece of electronic equipment in your house.

This one's for Nick Nitro!

Mess around with my kid, huh? Oh, a broomstick. I'm scared.

Get him!

First blood!

Yes, stick this in your pipe and smoke it!

Alright, Dad!

We roasted them!

There they are. Nail 'em!

Not good.

Hey, kid! Don't you like Nine Inch nails?

I got hit. I'm okay. I'm okay.

Gorgonites, we must help Alan. But if we fight, we will lose.

Last time we fought, I woke up with AM/FM.

War is nuts. I know what I'm talking about.

We shouldn't fight. We should hide.

If we hide, we will still lose.

No more hiding.

Nail them to the wall! Oh yeah!

Gorgonites, fight!

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Strike! Retreat!

Hey! Meet my wife, the old ball and chain. I love working in the round.

I'm knocking 'em dead. You don't like stand-up? Then sit down!

Thank you and good night, ladies and germs.

How do you work this? Wrong way. That's better.


You should go now.

Archer, listen.

When that thing explodes, you'll be fried, too.


Take that!

Watch your back.

Thanks, Dad.

Go, Alan!

I'm watching your back, Alan.

What are you packing, Tiny? Packing? I'm packing you!

It's not a prank call. It's not.

No, wait. It is!

So you'll send some cops to come and arrest me?

Oh no, don't hang up!

Do you know what you're doing? Yeah...


Ain't war hell?

Thanks for the lift, Punch-It.

Mayday! Mayday! I'm hit!

I'm going down! Ejecting!

Expect no mercy.

Having fun yet?

Let's have a round and a round of applause for Archer... emissary of the Gorgonites. You're up!

Major Chip Hazard.

Gorgonite scum!

Leave Alan alone. Your fight is with me.

You've got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.

They're wires and metal, the same as yours.

We're nothing alike. You are programmed to lose.

I'm also programmed to learn.

Too bad you never learned to win.

School's out, loser.

Victory is ours! Have I got a shock for you.

You stupid toy!

Run for it! Watch out!

Get on!

Is this going to be a pattern for our relationship?


This isn't dangerous, is it? Well, it just depends on...

It's dead!

Are you alright? Yes!


There will be no mercy...

Situation is stabilizing. Local law enforcement is under control.

It's just a matter of compensating those involved.

The area is secure. Bring him in.

Who is that?

Oh, no... It's him.

How you doing... Joe?

Would you do me a big favor? Anything, sir.

Move your truck with the giant GloboTech logo before the news crews get here.

I don't know, Mr. Mars, I may have trouble handling the gears.

What with the critical head injury and emotional distress I've suffered lately.

Thank you. Right away, sir!

Excuse me. You're not off the hook yet.

There's the matter of the massive damage to my home, my garage... my audio-visual system...

This is good. Bye-bye.

Excuse me, Mr. Whoever-You-Are. What about our house?

What about the pain and the anguish and... the humiliation? Humiliation.

I don't think even you have enough money to pay for that.

Okay, maybe you do.

Hey, Alan. Keep your nose dean, kid. I'll try. Listen...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

Forget it.

Toys is hell.

Mr. Mars, I just wanted to assure you that... take full responsibility for this.

Yeah, right. Give me that.

What were we charging for these? $79.95.

I tell you what: Add a few zeroes to the end of that number... and contact our military division.

I know some South American rebels who will find these toys very entertaining.

Dad, you know, on my birthday...

I just want clothes. Come on, Christy.

Any sign of the Gorgonites? No, none of them.

Come on, Christy. I better go.

Yeah, okay...

Too bad... This would have made a hell of a commercial.


Archer, are you alright?

Halt! Who goes there?

Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

Greetings. I am Archer, emissary of the Gorgonites.

Oh, man...

Your chip got fried, just like the Commandos'.

The Commandos are dead?

Gorgonites, we won.

We did?

Well, that's a pleasant surprise.

The satellite dish must have shielded you guys.

Pretty smart. Smart? We were lucky!

I'm glad you made it, Archer. I'm glad you made it, Alan.

Alright, I'm serious. Gorgonites, we are free!

Thank you, Alan, destroyer of Commandos.

We're free. Free? What about the cover charge?

Let me get in first. I'm big.

I'll sit in the crow's nest. Hey, there's a dead crow up here.

I'm kidding.


Are you sure you want to do this? Yes, Alan. It is time.

Archer, I understand why, but... you may not find Gorgon.

It may not even... Alan...

Even if you can't see something, it doesn't mean it isn't there.

Look, we're out to launch!

I'm seasick already.

Bye-bye, Alan.

Bye-bye, Alan. Nice knowing you.

Anybody from out of town here? Where are you from, sir?

Gorgon. Oh yeah? What exit?

Hello? Is this thing on? Is this a boat or an oil painting?

I hope we don't hit an iceberg.

Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?

Cut. Was that too much?

Like Phil.

I've never heard you say that before.