Snakes on a Plane (2006) Script

Go, get out of here.

Go!

They say the higher you aim...

...the farther you fall.

Fuck you, Eddie Kim.

And look at you now, Mr. Prosecutor, huh?

Not so high and mighty anymore.

Well, that's a noble gesture.

I'll make sure to tell your son all about it.

The reason he gets to grow up without a father...

...is because of how goddamn noble he was.

Then again, I was raised by a single mom and...

...I didn't turn out so bad, huh? Whoo!

Clean this up.

I'm going back to L.A.

Let's get the hell out of here...

...and find that guy!

This is Mi Jung Lee reporting live from the Kaena Point area.

Details remain sketchy in the brutal slaying yesterday...

...of Los Angeles prosecutor Daniel Hayes...

...who was vacationing in Hawaii.

Hayes has been in the news lately...

...for his high-profile pursuit of reputed mobster Edward Kim.

Mr. Kim's representatives have issued a statement...

...of condolences to the Hayes family...

...and claim absolutely no involvement...

...in what they call a hideous act...

...of violence. The ongoing saga in the criminal investigation...

...of Mr. Kim involves charges of murder, racketeering...

...and police corruption at the highest levels...

...both here in Hawaii and on the mainland.

Thank you, Mi Jung.

We'll be sure to check in for any updates as they become available.

Do as I say, and you live.

Stay flat against this wall. Don't even breathe.

Go, go, go, that way!

Black car, go!

What the hell is going on?

You witnessed a murder and didn't tell anybody. Why didn't you call the police?

The news said they were corrupt. I figured they'd be in on it.

Smart kid.

Who are you?

I'm Agent Neville Flynn, FBI.

Pleased to meet you, Sean.

I gotta tell you, Sean, I'm getting tired of all this garbage...

...you've been feeding me.

We know you were there. Your prints are all over it. Stop insulting my intelligence.

You witnessed a murder. You have a responsibility.

Look here, Sean.

I've been doing this for a while, so I know all kinds...

...of neat little interrogation tricks.

You know, good cop, bad cop...

...reverse psychology, stare-down contests, threats.

You name it, I've done it.

But why don't we leapfrog all that bullshit?

Save ourselves a lot of aggravation and time, of which there is close to zero...

...and I tell you the truth?

The truth is, I'm not worried about you if you testify.

But I am worried about you if you don't.

What if I didn't see him clearly? I mean, I wouldn't be...

What did I just tell you about saving us aggravation and time?

He knows who you are!

That's why those people were at your house trying to kill you.

And make no mistake...

...Eddie Kim will kill you...

...if you let him.

Last week I was planning a surfing trip to Bali.

Now...

Now you make it sound like I have no choice...

Oh, no, no, no. You got choices.

You got tons of choices, but there's only one correct choice:

Come with us to L.A...

...testify against his ass...

...put him in jail for life.

Tell you what. You sit here, think about it.

You let us know what you decide.

We'll be outside.

The white zone is for immediate loading...

...and unloading of passengers only.

So you got any requests for your final flight?

Well, just what any flight attendant wants.

Low-maintenance passengers. Uh-huh.

That would be very nice.

All right, ladies. Hey, Troy, Leroy, I got this. Let me sign them for them.

Let me sign them. Give me that marker.

How you doing, sweetie? You all right? There you go.

You take care, baby. All right.

Can I get your autograph? You can get a little more than that.

No doubt. Let me do this on the special for you right there.

Yeah. It tickles.

Take care, all right? All right.

Will you sign this, please? Yah, no doubt, little man. Here we go.

There you go. Thank you.

Hey, yo, stay black. Hells, yeah.

All right. All right, y'all. God bless you. I gotta get out of here...

...and catch this flight. Y'all take care. Catch the next album.

We can't wait. Yeah, all right, no doubt.

All right, look, we gotta make sure we got some more of this, all right?

Look at the Howard Hughes of rap. What? What was that?

He said, man, can you believe this crap?

This is crap right here. Hey, come on, y'all.

Y'all messing with t-shirts. Y'all supposed to be watching my back.

Come on.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...South Pacific Air flight 121 has been delayed half an hour.

Oh, come on! We apologize for this inconvenience...

...and we'll begin boarding... Oh, boy. It's gonna be a fun flight.

Aloha all Island Express passengers...

Five whole hours.

Do you know who's working today? I didn't get a crew list.

You know, I have no idea.

Oh, my God. Here she comes. Here she comes!

Surprise! Surprise!

Oh!

Oh, Claire, don't go.

Last thing the world needs is another lawyer.

I mean, how could you leave all this? It's gonna be hard.

Will you take me with you? Please.

Did we ask for Bruno from Simply Corporate?

Elena, by we, I mean you.

No, not all drivers are the same. That's the point.

The last thing I need is some guy going on and on...

...about the weather the whole way home. Get Bruno.

Mary Kate, hush.

Sorry, she gets nervous flying.

Oh, that's okay.

I understand, you know.

Do you think she'll want some Xanax?

Oh, no, she's okay.

How you feeling?

Yeah, fine.

You ready for this?

Yeah.

Is that our plane?

No, every cop in Honolulu thinks it is.

Hey, come on, relax.

FBI's escorting some guy to L.A.

They just took over all first class. Are they allowed to do that?

Well, apparently FAA Section 108 states...

..."if deemed necessary," they can do whatever they want.

Who's gonna tell the first class passengers they're flying coach?

That would be you, kid.

South Pacific Air 121.

Oh, my.

I was hoping you'd be the sky candy on this flight.

You're looking especially delicious this evening.

I love it when you demean me, Rick.

My pleasure. I gotta go fly a big plane.

Hi, doll. Hi there, Rick.

Isn't he smooth?

Yes, sir. I'm soaking the leis with it.

The pheromone will make these guys go fucking crazy.

Duke.

Leave it, Duke.

Ladies. Welcome aboard.

Agent Flynn.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the final boarding call for South Pacific Air...

Thank you. ... with nonstop service to Los Angeles.

Aloha. No, no, no, the hair.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, first class is overbooked.

But there's plenty of room to stretch in coach...

...which is less than half full. For the inconvenience...

...we are offering you a free travel coupon good on any South Pacific flight.

A free travel coupon won't help me get to my meeting on time.

Sir, I'm pretty sure that coach gets to Los Angeles...

...the same time as first.

Funny. Does my premium awards membership come with sarcasm...

...or should I speak to your supervisor, Claire?

This better be a matter of national security.

Did I just hear there's no first class?

I'm afraid only coach is available.

Coach? Is it safe there?

Yes, it is safe there.

Never flown first class before.

See? Things are looking up already.

So how long you and Mr. Personality been working together?

Five years...

...one blown marriage each.

He's the toughest son of a bitch I ever met.

Wow.

Yep, that's us.

The glamour and the glory.

Flynn, the captain's patching us through to Harris for the flight.

Harris, Special Agent Harris.

Harris, so how's the new promotion?

I'm loving it. That was a little quick.

Wanna try again? No, no, I'm serious, man.

You know, no more junk food hangovers...

...after all-night stakeouts, you know?

I'm actually spending nights in bed with my wife.

She's hot. You know, and my kids, you know, forget about them. They're kids.

I'm just spending every waking minute with them.

You know, they're fun.

Please, this is me you're talking to.

You know you miss it. You miss the action.

You're bored to tears. So, what are you actually doing with your time?

Surfing the net. Porn, no doubt.

No, hey, eBay, my cynical-minded friend.

I'm right in the middle of a bidding war with this punk-ass kid from Iowa...

...for this black velvet...

...Pamela Anderson poster.

Not technically porn.

So how's Eddie Kim doing?

You ain't gotta worry about him. He ain't going anywhere.

No, I got three teams on him, so he's not gonna move.

All right, I'll see you on the other side.

Are you sure about this?

Accidents happen.

You think I didn't exhaust every other option?

He saw me!

You're right down this aisle to the left.

Thank you. Oh, look at the little baby.

He's beautiful. Thank you.

Oh, beautiful. Cheese.

First, they stick me in coach...

...and then they put a dog next to me. What the hell is next?

Oh, you're adorable.

Okay.

Oh, great. Just great.

Is there a problem, mister?

Oh, gee, what do you think?

Will you at least get that vermin to shut up?

Don't worry, Mary Kate.

His hair plugs can't hurt you.

Fucking dog, fucking coach, fucking Americans!

Hi. Oh, I'm really sorry about first class. Let me see if I can help...

Oh, sweet... Could you tell her not to touch me?

Oh, please, don't touch the man.

Man don't like to be touched. We'll find our own seats.

Oh, sorry. Here's some coupons.

You all right, man? Yeah, I'm all right, man.

All right.

Coach ain't looking so bad after all.

Bad boy.

Hey, yo, check it. Check it out, check it out.

You like that.

Baby got back, front and side-to-side.

Hey, y'all two get together, y'all might have two 20-pound babies or something.

Dad, why can't you come with us?

Come on, you're gonna be fine.

Bet you're even gonna have fun.

He's just being a baby. Curtis.

I'm counting on you to be a man. What does a man do?

He looks out for his family. Right.

Sir. Oh, sorry.

My wife is meeting them in L.A. It's their first time flying solo.

That's okay. Hey.

Can I tell you a secret? What?

Guess who's on the plane? Who?

Three G's. For real?

I bet you could meet him.

Come on, Tommy, let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen, we would like to welcome you to South Pacific Airlines...

...flight 121 nonstop service from Honolulu...

...to Los Angeles. I would like your attention...

...as the flight attendants demonstrate the safety features of this aircraft.

When the seat-belt sign illuminates, you must fasten your seat belt.

There are several emergency exits on the aircraft located in the forward section...

...aft section and over each wing. In the event of decompression...

...an oxygen mask will drop...

...from a compartment above your seat.

To start the flow of oxygen, pull the mask towards you, place it firmly...

...over your nose and mouth...

...secure the elastic band behind your head and breathe normally.

A lifejacket is located in a pouch under your seat.

This is how you put it on. Slip it over your head...

...pass the straps around your waist...

...and adjust loosely at the front.

Tampering with, disabling or destroying the smoke detectors located...

...in the lavatories is prohibited by law.

We wish you an enjoyable flight.

Radar indicates a bit of weather up ahead.

We might catch a few bumps in the road...

...but we'll be above most of it. If you need anything...

...you holler at one of those gorgeous flight attendants...

...and they'll take good care of y'all. Thank you.

Good evening.

Thank you.

I'm Tiffany.

Hi, Tiffany. I'm Sean.

So, mind if I...

...ask what you did?

Oh, me? Nothing.

It's what I'm supposed to do.

Ever heard of Eddie Kim?

Oh, who hasn't? I was watching one of those crime shows once...

...you know, with the hokey reenactments...

...where he tortured this guy who was a witness against him...

...by gouging out his eyes...

...and then feeding him to some pigs.

Pretty gruesome stuff.

Yeah, he doesn't mess around, that guy.

So, you know, what are you...? What do you have to...?

I'm a witness for the prosecution.

Wow. Yeah.

That is so...

...hot.


I'm gonna miss these night flights.

I enjoy the passengers so much better when they're unconscious.

And you, I'm gonna miss you.

Excuse me. Can I get a gin and tonic? Yes. I'll be right back with that.

Thanks.

In Hawaii for a vacation?

Not really. I was there for the kickboxing tournament.

Oh, my God. You're a kickboxer? Me too.

Well, I take a kickboxing class with Lonnie, Malibu Fitness.

Awesome cardio. Good for you.

My girlfriend and I go Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Yeah, girlfriend. Right. Wait, wait. Watch this.

Come on, take it easy, buddy. You okay?

Oh! Oh! Son of a... Yeah, yeah. You all right, dude?

Hey, will you look around?

Look around the plane.

How come there aren't more people on this flight?

I can't figure it out.

Honey, because it's the red eye.

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry, sweetie. No, I accept... I accept that.

If you hated flying this much, why'd you let me pick Hawaii for our honeymoon?

Because that's where you wanted to go.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Bali, huh? What?

You said earlier you wanted to go to Bali.

It's a very beautiful place. I've been there.

You surf? You don't look like a surfer.

No disrespect. Hey, none taken.

And I did try it. I figure, why spend all my time...

...in the ocean when I could lay on the beach and admire all the beauties?

Couldn't stay on your board, could you?

No. Fell off every time.

Got me.


Can I help you? No, I'm just stretching my legs.

Big plane, plenty of places to do it.

Plenty of other places to do it, you mean.

I do something wrong here?

Technically, no.

Next time, you people could give us a heads-up...

...before you commandeer the plane.

You people?

Oh, no, no, no. I...

Hey, hey, don't stress it. Just joking.

So can I...? Can I get you something or...?

No, I'm cool. Just pretend I'm not here.

Okay.

Psst-psst.

Psst.

Hi. What's up?

This is Mary Kate.

Yes, that's nice. And I'm Mercedes.

You know, like the car. Vroom-vroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. She likes you.

Yeah, that's cool. Say hi.

You are? Oh, come on now.

Yeah, I'm...

Trying to steal my dog? Oh, believe me, I don't want the dog.

I'm kidding. I know who you are.

I know you know. Three G's.

All right, all right, "Booty Go Thump. "

Yeah, my booty went thump. Yeah, I know that's right.

That's tight. That's tight.

Yeah, your dog, the dog. No, that's good. It's cool.

Yeah, love, yeah, I love dogs. Little kiss.


Hi. Aloha.

Here.

Come on, come out. Hurry.

You see, at the end of the day, the music business is still a business.

You okay? I'm good. As I was saying...

...see, I'm all about taking the music and the business to the next level.

You know what I'm saying? That's when evolution...

...becomes revolution.

Here, babe.

Screw it.


Harder.


Mile High Club.

Those were the days.

Oh. This guy is really good.

Well, maybe not that good.


We just lost avionics.

Notify LAX.

LAX, Hula one-two-one...

...mayday, mayday, mayday.

We are 1500 nautical miles southwest of Los Angeles.

Repeat, mayday, we have lost avionics.

Hula 1-2-1, heavy, Los Angeles tower.

We acknowledge your emergency. You have priority.

All right, give me the manual. Take control.

I have control.


I'll be back.

How's my big boy?

Ah! Fuck!

Fucking bitch! Get off my dick!

Fuck!

Fuck.


Because, you know, keeping your sexy right is part of the business too.

And if you don't mind me saying, it looks like you keep your sexy very, very right.

Well, thank you.

Have you ever acted before? No.

I would love to put you in one of my pool-party videos.

Yeah? Throw a little thong on you...

Excuse me, she just wants a treat. All right.

I can never find anything in here.

Her doctor says she's bipolar.

I almost beat the last level.

Man, you playing that damn video game?

Or was that video game playing you, son?

Damn! Found them.


Sir, I can assure you, there's no strange smell.

Maybe you're allergic to the leis. Let me take them for you.

Oh, yeah.

Thank you, miss. Any idea how long this turbulence will last?

No, I'm okay.

Well, I'm gonna go and ask the pilot.

Shit, Rick, we got smoke.

Something probably arced in the avionics.

How much longer do you think before we climb...? What happened?

We lost the board. I gotta reset the breakers.

Keep her steady, Rick. All right.


Okay, cap, they're coming back!

That's it, old man, we're back in busin...

Captain!

Rick! What is it?

Something's happened to the captain!

All right. Coming.

Oh, Christ.

Did you...? Did you see what happened? No.

Captain?

I think he's had a heart attack.

Agent Flynn, Agent Sanders...

...can I see you for a moment, please?

I flew with that man for 10 years.

Let's go back.

We're halfway. It'd take longer to get back to Honolulu...

...than keep going to L.A.

Make sure everybody's strapped in.

LAX tower, this is Hula one-two-one...

...mayday, mayday, the pilot in command has suffered a fatal heart attack.

Ladies and gentlemen, the captain requests...

...that you remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened.

Thank you.

Shh. Shh.


Hi, how are you doing?

Think of it like a roller coaster ride.

Do you like roller coaster rides? No, not really.

No, me neither. They always make me sick.

Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

You are gonna close your eyes and count very slowly to 10.

And when you open your eyes, you make the funniest face you can at each other.

And whoever laughs first loses.

Okay? Best out of five wins.

And I will be back to check on the winner.

One, two, three... One, two, three...

Sir, seat belt please. Yeah. Great.

Thank you.


Oh, my God!

What the...?

What the hell?

Oh, shit! What the fuck?

I'll go.

Oh, shit.

Get down! What the hell? It's snakes!

Rick, what's up with the oxygen masks deploying?

Oh, sorry about that.

You won't believe what came out of the instrument panel.

What?

Look at this.

Goddamn snake, honey!

John! Stay up here!

Flynn!

I've got ophidiophobia. Fear of snakes.

Stay! Mary Kate, sit!

Bad girl. Bad, bad girl.

Come to the front, there aren't any snakes here! It's safe.

Everybody, move forward!

Cautiously!

Come here.


Get out of my way! Get out of the way!

Son of a bitch!

Out of the way, grandma!

What the...? Fuck!

Oh, my God, help!

Help!


Go, go!

Oh, fuck me!

Okay, okay.

Oh, fuck, fuck.

Oh, shit, shit!

Who's your daddy now, bitch?

Oh, fuck!

Man, you guys are supposed to be watching my back!

Front, come on. We gotta get to the front!

Grab a tray table!

Smash that!

Little bitch! Come on!

Move!

Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!

Get this fucking snake off my ass!

Snap. You got a snake on your ass! Yo, hold still!

Get it off! Get him out!

Get him out of here! Come on, man, come on.

Keep moving! Keep moving!

Everybody listen! We have to put a barrier...

...between us and the snakes!

Grab everything from the overheads, under the seats...

...and let's build a wall. Let's go!

Ken! Do this. Okay.


Help me!

Please help me!

I'll put you on my back. We'll move towards the front, okay?

No, I can't. Here we go! Come on.

Let's go. Yes, you can. You can do it, come on, up!

Here we go. Here we go. Mary Kate!

Here we go.

I need everyone to close any compartment that's open!

Just close them!

I can't reach it. I got it.

Let me get it.

Hey. Whoa. It's only me. What's up?

I can't find those two little boys. Little boys?

Tommy and Curtis, they were by themselves.

Hey! Mister, my brother... He got bit.

I was supposed to take care of him.

You are taking care of him, sweetheart. You're taking care of him right now.

Is he gonna die? No, honey.

But you have to be brave for him now, okay?

Okay, sweetheart.


Are you okay?

My baby! Where is my baby!

Oh, Lord.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, my baby! Here you go.

Go, go, go! Hurry! Thank you!

Come on! Come on! Come through! Hurry, hurry!

Help! I need help!

Oh, my God, Grace.

Okay, okay.

Okay.

Let me, let me. I got her. Oh, my God.

I have to go and tell Rick.

Grab the first-aid kit! Grace, hey, hey, hey.

Here's some water. Come on, man, you got to drink water.

Breathe, breathe.

We missed the bastards...

...because they were cold-blooded.

Come on, come on.

John, John, listen to me. You're okay.

Just take a deep breath, John, you're having a panic attack.

Oh, shit.

You've gotta be kidding me!

Good luck.

John?

Son of a...

Hey, hey, hey, we have to figure something out.

All right. Well, I know what I gotta do.

We're in a 200-foot aluminum tube...

...and we're 30,000 feet in the air. Any one of those slimy little pieces of shit...

...can trip a circuit or a relay or a hydraulic...

...and this bird goes down faster than a Thai hooker.

So my job is to keep LAX informed on how totally screwed we are...

...and then find some way to keep this mother...

...in the sky another two hours. Figure that out.

Hey, hey, where you going? I have to go down.

I have to help the passengers.

There's supposed to be a doctor aboard. A Dr...

...Robert Foster. Robert Foster!

Wait, here he is. Here he is. Dr. Robert Foster...

...row 11, seat H.

Yeah, Harris.

Sanders is dead.

You know all those goddamn security scenarios we ran?

Well, I'm smack in the middle of one we didn't think of.

What the hell you talking about?

Eddie Kim somehow managed to fill the plane with poisonous snakes.

Wait, hold on. What kind of insane plan is that?

He can't possibly guarantee that the snakes are gonna get to Sean.

Yeah, well, he doesn't have to guarantee it if he brings the whole plane down.

Listen up. Everybody listen up.

I want a crisis team at LAX, ASAP.

And I need the cargo manifest for every scrap of freight...

...on South Pacific Air 121.

I can't believe I'm saying this.

I need the best poisonous-snake expert in this time zone.

And I need him in my ear or at my side in 20 minutes or less.

Well, come on, people, let's go! Somebody make that happen for me!

Hey, tell surveillance, don't let Eddie Kim out of their sight.

All right, we have to suck out the poison.

Man, I ain't sucking nothing. Okay, I'll do it.

What? Oh, there'll be no sucking. Troy, get this man away from my ass!

Are you sure? We sure. Thanks, pal.

Okay, sweetheart, it's gonna be okay.

Oh, my God!

Hold my baby, please.

Forget about that.

Do you have any olive oil on the plane?

Olive oil? Olive oil. Yeah.

I'm on it. Okay. Yeah, in a cup!

When I was a kid, whenever we went hiking...

...we always carried olive oil and a razor blade in case of a snake bite.

I need something to cut.

Here you go.

Okay, this... This will work, yeah.

Okay, oil. So you swish it in your mouth...

...to seal it from the poison.

Look at Claire, Tommy. Look at me, sweetie.

It's gonna hurt a little bit, okay?

Okay, now. It hurts.

You're so brave.

Yeah, it's gonna be all right, Tommy.

That's what I'm talking about.

Good boy. Yeah, I think I got it all.

It's gonna be okay, Tommy. You're very, very brave.

I got bit too.

Flynn, what the hell...? Just sit tight.

I can't...

Do you remember the first thing I said to you?

Yes. What was it?

I know, but things have changed. What was the first thing I said to you?

Things have changed! You have a whole plane full of sna...

God! "Do as I say, you live. " Nothing's changed.

Now, I need you to stay up here by the air phone.

When Agent Harris calls, you come and get me.

You got it?

Got it.

Hey, hey, hey! They're getting through the luggage, here, seriously.

I need some help!

Fire extinguisher!

Ken! Agent Flynn, here.

Weapons. We have to have weapons. Where's the silverware?

Well, we have any silverware.

All we have is this.

Sporks? Yeah.

Here.

Use that.

His name is Dr. Stephen Price.

He's some kind of hardcore snake specialist.

And customs uses him as their go-to guy...

...for any animal smuggling cases.

The go-to guy? Yeah. So he must be good.

Dr. Price?

It is I. Hank Harris.

I'm hoping this is important, I've got baby Antiguan racer eggs...

...in there ready to hatch. First time ever in captivity.

Really? Very exciting.

I got another exciting first I'd like to tell you about.

I need another! Help, somebody!

Come on! Help me out here!

Please, I can't do this! Hold on, I'm coming!

Somebody get me another fire extinguisher!

All right, we got less than 90 minutes.

We've already lost over 50 people and that's including an FBI agent.

Okay.

We've already contacted local ERs. Oh, local ERs.

I don't think you understand the magnitude...

...of what you're dealing with here.

L.A County ERs can, at best...

...handle the occasional snake bite.

Not an entire 747 full of them.

I'm going to contact the National Poison Control Center...

...to have them alert every ER in the tri-county area...

...and to order every available helicopter crew to be ready.

We've got less than two hours to mobilize an entire army.

Flynn, Flynn!

Hey, they got a snake guy on the phone.

Who the hell is that?

His name is Dr. Price.

Look, doc, people are dying up here. We need help fast.

Okay, just break open any blisters that form around the bites.

Keep them clean. We're doing that.

It doesn't seem to be doing much good. Snakes don't attack...

...unless they're provoked, right?

Something up there is making them go crazy.

Yeah, no shit. They're attacking everybody and everything up here.

They're especially fond of those fucking leis.

Leis? Jesus, I don't know...

It could possibly be a pheromone.

That's what female animals release to trigger mating behavior.

It could also provoke serious hyperaggression.

Like some kind of drug.

Well, that's good news.

Snakes on crack.

How could you imbeciles let somebody put snakes...

We need to get them to a hospital. We're almost to L.A. now.

Know what they call that? The point of no return.

So this is it? That's what the plan is?

We sit around here waiting for the snakes to bite us?

Look, everyone just calm down, please!

We're doing the best we can here.

Okay, there are hundreds of species of snakes...

...with hundreds of cocktails of venom. Some will kill you in two minutes...

...others in two hours and some you can actually cure with a good night's rest.

But here's the thing, if you administer the wrong antivenom...

...that will kill you.

I am not a zoologist, man.

I can identify maybe two of the snakes I've seen up here.

A cobra and a rattlesnake, okay?

You're going to have to be more... Much more specific than that.

Oh, shit.

Look...

I'll round up all the dead ones I can find...

...and I'll call you back, okay?

Make it fast. Time is tissue.

Time is t...

I want to know what's going on.

Get out of the way! No, no! No!

You guys are not supposed to go up there.

Move, girl! You can't...!

You can't keep us down there.

Why exactly are there snakes on this plane?

I don't have time to explain. You better make time. We're at risk.

You're gonna tell us why.

What I'm gonna tell you is to go back downstairs now.

Man, who the hell you think you are? Whoa, whoa. Okay, look.

The snakes are on the plane because...

...I'm supposed to testify tomorrow against Eddie Kim.

Oh, Jesus Christ, we're all dead.

Not me.

It's my job to handle life-and-death situations...

...on a daily basis. It's what I do, and I'm very good at it.

You can stand there and be the panicked, angry mob...

...and blame him, me and the government for getting you into this.

But if you want to survive tonight, you need to save your energy...

...and start working together.

Now, what we need to do...

...is go back in there and find all the dead snakes we can...

...so the doctors on the ground will know what kind of antivenoms we need.

Whatever you find, you bring it to me.

And I don't need to tell you to be careful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going? I'm going with.

I can't just sit here doing nothing.

Remember when you said it's all about choices we make?

Well, I'm making one. I'm not a prisoner. I need you to stay up here.

Why? Because if you die...

...then all this was for nothing.

Sit your ass down. We got a snake, man.


Okay, doc, I got one here that's...

...I guess, brownish on top and I'd say green on the bottom.

Wait a second, pure green? Or blue?

Well, if I had to guess, I'd say green.

No, no, teal. It's a deep shade of teal.

It's teal, doc.

Why don't we just take a picture?

Sure, let's drop it off at Jiffy Photo when we land, Einstein.

Ever heard of e-mail, dick-wad?

We need a digital camera and a computer. Or this.

It's got both.

Doc, I'm gonna e-mail you some pictures, all right?

Rick!

Rick?

Rick!

Rick!

Oh, God.

Are we landing?

There are no lights down there. I don't think so.

Doc, photos are coming to you now.

Everybody, buckle up now! Now!

Oh, my God, no!

Come on, buckle up. I got you. Oh, my God!


Fucker!

Come on!

Okay, let's pull this thing up.

MAN I Hula 121 heavy, you're descending through 23,0000 feet.

There's no time to strap in, just pull up, hard!

Somebody help me! Somebody help, they're coming through.

Tiffany! Tiffany!

Look out!

You okay? Yeah.

We gotta get the people upstairs. It's safer there.

Somebody help me.

Hula one-two-one, heavy...

...you're now below 19,000 feet. Do you copy?

It's not working.

I wanna get out. Let me get you up.

Get upstairs, come on.

Go!

Go, go, go!

Hula one-two-one, heavy, pull up. Pull up.


Out of the way! Move your ass, Goddamn it!

Go, go!

No.

Come on, quicker!

Come on! Move it!

Hurry!

Hang on to me. I've got you!

Get me off this plane!

Come on!

Get back!

Go, quick! Move!


Oh, shit!

Mary Kate!

You animal! You animal!

I hate you! Freaking dog, lady.

I hate you! Why did you do that?

What? You all would've done exactly the same thing.

Somebody do something.

Look out! Oh, my God!


Let's go. Hey, hey, in back of you!

Behind you. Come on!

Come on, move, move, move! Get him up, get him up!

We gotta block the stairs. Grab bags, everyone.

Come on! Pass it down!

Get me NTSB.

And call the Coast Guard.

Hula one-two-one, heavy, you are now below 1000 feet. Pull up.

Pull up!

Oh, my God.

Holy fuck.

Oh, thank God.

Wait a second. What about the life raft?

Use this! Good idea.

I got it!

Hello, can anybody hear me?

Hula one-two-one, heavy, somebody wanna tell me what's going on up there?

We've lost our...

Rick.

It's not fully inflated yet!

Here, grab an end!

Oh, Rick.

Hold it, hold it down. Push it down.

That's great, okay. Get it down. There you go. There you go.

Don't let anybody down.

Oh, Rick, your arm.

Okay.

There you go.

Oh, yeah, you know, Claire, I think I'm gonna need your shirt too.

Oh, jeez. Very funny. Gotta try, right?

Rick, could you please engage the autopilot?

Yeah, here, I got it.

Do you think you can fly with one hand?

Oh, baby, you'd be amazed at what a man can do with one hand.

All right, I got this. You go get.

Do your business.

We had no choice. The snakes were everywhere.

Yeah, okay, I guess you did what you had to do.

These aren't North American snakes.

What does it matter? Let's just get the antivenom...

...and take it to the airport. No, these snakes aren't even...

...from this continent. They're from all over the globe.

Only a handful of U.S. Hospitals even carry foreign antivenom. Uh...

How long? How long what?

How long to get the antivenom here? I don't know. A day, maybe two.

What do we do?

I don't know if there's anything we can do.

What are you drawing there, sweetie?

Oh, wow, that's really good.

I'm really sorry about your dog.

Thanks.

What's up, buddy?

Trying to get this guy to slam the basketball. He just won't do it.

Last month they offered early retirement.

But no...

...this broad needed one more tour of duty.

You were here for a reason.

You saved my baby.

That's a pretty good reason.

Hey, it's too... Flynn, it's too hot.

I'm from Tennessee. I hadn't noticed.

Anyway, heat's the least of our worries. No, no, no, listen, listen.

The air's not recycling.

He's right. If there's no air conditioning, it's gonna get too hard to breathe.

Shit!

Okay, how about the zoos?

How about the zoos? I mean, zoos got snakes, right?

So they must have antivenom there.

We would need a detailed list of every species involved with that exact number.

And an exotic shipment like this would only come through a dealer. So...

All right, well, who in Hawaii would do that?

No one in Hawaii, because snakes aren't indigenous to Hawaii.

But Eddie Kim lives in L.A.

Could he have shopped locally?

Yes, only one guy could arrange this many illegal snakes.

He lives out in the desert. Take us to the heliport.

You don't think I know it's hotter than hell in here?

We also have abnormal vibrations in engines one and two.

I had no choice but to throttle back.

You slowed down? Yeah.

Well, you know.

It's that or option B. Which is?

I go faster and the engines seize up.

We eventually plummet to a horrible death.

They spend the next year identifying femurs.

Okay, so just tell me how to get the AC back on.

We've lost power to the outflow valve motor.

Which is where? Well, you gotta reset it manually.

The breaker's down in the cargo hold.

Yeah.

Sucks to be you right now.

Get off me, man!

I told y'all to stop touching on me and coughing on me.

It's disgusting up in here. Stay away from me.

How come there's no air coming out of this piece of junk?

How come there's no air? Only lasts about 10 minutes...

...after they deploy. Please...

Please nothing. Get out of my face. If you could take a seat...

You sit down. Back away from me. Get up off me, man. Back up off me.

Hey, hey, hey.

I gotta get off this plane.

I'm sick of this bullshit. Listen, you got to chill.

Look, just get a grip, all right? You get a grip, man.

Hey, back up, back up. Back up!

That gun goes off in this pressurized cabin, we all die.

You know what? I want air.

What's the matter with you, Clarence? What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with you, man? Hey, look.

You know we go back to when we were kids, all right?

But I don't even recognize you now.

Waving a gun at all these innocent women and children.

Man, there's a baby right over there, man.

We're all in trouble here, dawg. This ain't just about you.

Sit your ass down, Clarence.

Whatever, man.

It's the snakes! Shoot. Now what?

Breathe deep.

Oh, God, Grace.


Claire.

Claire.

I need you to be strong.

Come on.

Let's go get these people some air. Okay.


See this?

I went through a pyromaniac phase as a kid.

Here. You too, huh?

Anything else I should know about you?

Let me go with you. You don't know your way around down there.

No, I need you up here. You're my eyes and ears.

Call me.

Be back soon as I can.

You'd better. Be careful. Yeah.

Okay, I'm here.

Okay, the EAP panel should be on your right.


Okay, here I go.


Hey, how's your boy?

I don't know, man. He's in a lot of pain.

Here, man, take some of this water. Thank you.

Hey. Hey.

Hey, you got any water? Sure, yeah.

Thanks.

Look, I'm not really good at this whole apologizing thing...

...but I'm sorry about pushing you.

It's all right.

You too, man.

That's my bad.

Okay, it's okay.

Oh.

Looks like somebody rigged this access panel door...

...to stay open so the snakes could get out.

Be careful.

All right, so where's this outflow breaker panel you were talking about?

Oh, it's in the very next compartment.


Shit!

What's going on? The goddamn lever's stuck.

Ooh!

Flynn, are you okay? Yeah.


Yes!

Okay, well, that's a good sign.

Shh.

Do you guys hear that?


Kreitler's been busted twice by customs...

...for possession of illegal snakes. There he is. That's him.

Down, down!

Get the door.

What are you doing? My job.


Area's secure. Send in Dr. Price now.

Wow, that's gonna leave a mark.

That's a desert blacksnake.

That's indigenous to the Middle East.

Looks like you can use some antivenom. In the fridge. Hurry.

Oh, hurry.

The Middle East. Correct me if I'm wrong, Dr. Price...

...but that would make that snake illegal, right?

Yes, it would.

How long does that give Mr. Mullet here to live?

I would say about seven minutes.

Seven minutes, huh? All right, listen to me.

Hey, I would love to do this whole dance, you know...

...take a nuanced approach to interrogating but...

...I don't have time to be subtle. I want a list of every snake on that plane.

You got less than seven minutes.

On the clipboard.

The clipboard! Hang on to that.

Is that every snake on that plane? Yes.

Did Eddie Kim pay you to do this? Yes!

Look, give me the shot, goddamn it.

What are you gonna do, call the ACLU?

How'd you get them to be so aggressive? That's what I wonder.

I don't know what you're talking about. Hey.

You're wasting it!

Pheromones. We sprayed the flowers with it...

...so it would circulate in the plane's air system.

I swear to God. That's it.

Okay. All right.

Bring in Kim. Charge him with multiple counts of murder...

...and attempted murder and get that piece-of-shit attorney on the phone.

Yeah, tell him to ask Kim what his preference is. Gas or lethal injection.

Oh, thank God.

Flynn, it's Harris.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah.

Outstanding. All right.

Everybody, listen, they have the antivenom.

It's gonna be waiting for us when we land in L.A.

Hear that, little man? Your brother's gonna be fine.

It's all up to the pilot now.

I'll go give him the good news.

Rick. Rick.

Rick, open the door.

What's going on? He's not answering.

Rick!

Oh, my God!

Get him up!

I can't believe I'm gonna say this.

Is there anyone here who knows how to fly a plane?

Claire, I'll do it. I'm sure the tower can talk me through it.

No, no, no, Flynn. I know who could land this plane.

Who? Him.

Yeah, you. Come on, Troy.

You know you can do this, man.

Come on, take us home, dawg. You know how to fly?

Hey, man, I got over 2000 hours.

This is all you've talked about.

Troy, you can do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I can do this.

We gotta clear the snakes out of the cockpit.

Yeah, yeah, clear the snakes out of the cockpit, yeah.

Enough is enough!

I have had it with these motherfucking snakes...

...on this motherfucking plane!

Everybody strap in.

I'm about to open some fucking windows.

Take this. Tie it to the cockpit door.

Let's go.

When the windows go out, the cabin's gonna lose pressure...

...and oxygen. You gotta get us down fast.

All right, everybody make sure you're strapped in as securely as possible.

Remember, it's going to be loud and it's going to be cold.

Hold your breath as long as you can, all right?

And protect your head. Use your arms.

Is everybody ready? Ready to do this?

Let's do it. All right, take the position.

One, two, three.


Do it now!

Let's go!


Hit that autopilot switch for me.

Ooh! Whoo!

That's what I'm talking about, boy!

This shit is bananas!


Hold on! Hold on!

Come on, baby!

Come on, push.

Yeah, right about there.

Okay, we're leveling out.

You okay?

Troy, the plane's not level. It's not level!

Yeah, yeah, I know that the plane is not level, okay? Okay?

Give me a break, man.

All right, what's up? What's up, y'all? What it is. What it is!

This is your new pilot Troy speaking, and sitting next to me...

...is my main man, my brother from another mother...

...the biggest pimp that I know, Superfly Agent Flynn.

Ladies and gentlemen, Agent Flynn.

Sir, have you got any experience piloting a jet aircraft?

Oh, yeah, F-15s, F-16s...

...A- 10 Warthogs, I've flown all that shit.

Then we're all thankful to have you, sir.

What squadron were you with? The Awesome Fighting Aces.

Man, I'm telling you, them video gamers got their shit locked down tight.

Sir, are you telling me that your only real flight time...

...is at the controls of a video game?

No, see, it's not a video game, all right? It's a flight simulator.

Is that a PlayStation or Xbox? PlayStation 2.

Man, it's got an introduction by Chuck Yeager and everything.

Look, Flynn, man, I can do this.

Trust me.

Look, LAX, just give me my VOR numbers...

...and my approach vectors, and I'll be fine.

Sir, I suggest you relinquish the pilot's chair...

...to someone more experienced.

This is Agent Neville Flynn, FBI.

You are talking to the only person up here...

...who has that experience. I suggest you give him what he needs...

...so we can land this thing.

So, uh, you are pretty good at this game, right?

Yes, man. No problem.

Well, I mean, my older brother Randy has got the high score but I'm good.

Asshole. Never lets me hear the end of it.

LAX tower, this is Hula 1-2-1.

Requesting clearance for landing. Please advise which runway.

Hula 1-2-1, heavy, we're in the process of clearing all the runways...

...but you got a strong tailwind. Advise, come around and use runway 2-4-left.

No, negative, tower. I can't do that.

I don't have time for westbound orientation.

Look, I got a lot of injured passengers up here who need help immediately.

You try to land west to east, you'll come in too fast to control.

Then I suggest you speed up clearing the rest of the runways...

...because my ass is coming in for a landing!

All right, brace yourselves, you guys, this is it.

Everybody brace yourselves!

Here we go.

Brakes! Brakes, Troy!

Put your ass in it! This part ain't in the game.

Is crashing part of the game?

I don't know, man. I usually just hit reset and start the level over.

Oh, shit, left!

Left! Turn this big motherfucker left, Troy!


Whoo! Whoo!

All praises to the PlayStation!

Yeah! Yeah!

That's my boy, Troy, yes!

Hell, yeah!

Whose house is this? Troy's house, that's right.

Fuck Randy! Fuck Randy and his high score.

That's my own brother, and I say, "Fuck him!"

Man, my ass.

My ass, man. Okay, let's get going.

Over here! Got them!

Okay, everybody.


Thank you!


Hey, doc, thank you.

And hey, good luck with those Antiguan racers.

It was nice working with you, agent. Please help! Help, please!

This boy is unconscious. Keep that close.

He needs oxygen right away.

Did anyone see the snake that bit this boy?

Show them, sweetie. It's okay. What is it?

I couldn't find the snake, so I drew a picture.

It's a cobra, right, like Indiana Jones? Excellent.

Lactin and Ringer's solution, 25 milliliters. I'll do the antivenom.

Sean.

Before everything gets crazy out there, I wanna say thanks.

Couldn't have done this without you.

Thanks. Yeah.

Let's lock this guy up who tried to kill us.

Give him a hand!

Down, down, down.

I couldn't breathe.

You all right? Come on. Yeah.

Come on. Oh, man.

Nice. Stings like shit, huh?

Yeah.

This is Agent Harris, the guy on the other end of the phone.

It's an honor.

Kenny, baby. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh! Oh, I'm gonna get you home.

Come on, let's go. My little cowgirl.

Claire.

Hey.

Now that you've saved my life, I think I kind of owe you a dinner...

...to show my appreciation.

Well, I would very much like to take you up on that.

Is that right?

Call me.

Will do.

Sean, hey. Hey.

Oh, damn.

I'll definitely call you.

Thank you.

How do you like flying in first class?

Do you remember the first thing you ever told me?

What the fuck's that got to do with anything?

What was the first thing you ever told me?

"Do as I say and you live. "

Exactly. Now it's your turn.

Do as I say, and you live.