Snatched (2017) Script

Improved & Synced by BanglarBagh


What does this say?

Does it say, "I grabbed it outta my suitcase

"and went to the beach" or "Girl who overplans for vacation outfits"?

There's just a picture of a bird on it.

It doesn't say anything.

No, I mean, like, its vibe, you know?

Like, what's its vibe? Oh.

It's perfect for Ecuador. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. And, like, why Ecuador?

Because we didn't want to go somewhere touristy.

We're not just, like, a couple of white assholes.

(CHUCKLES) No offense.

I really need it.

I just want to, like, sip a Mai Tai and smoke a J, and then just kinda, like start having red wine at night.

And then Scotch.

And if somebody's like, "Have you ever done ayahuasca?"

I'll be like, "No, is it safe?"

And then I'll try it. I don't care.

And are things ideal, financially, right now?

No. The answer is no.

But will things pick up?

One thousand percent. (CHUCKLES)

Did I tell you Michael's band is blowing up right now?

Yeah.

So, yeah, basically you know, money won't be an "ish" much longer.

This is a good color for me, right?

So, did you guys have this in my size?

Yeah, no.

Sorry.

Okay. Thanks, anyway.

Have fun on your trip.

Nice meeting you.

I hope you find your keys.

Oh, my keys. Fuck!

This would be cute on me if...

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Are you serious?

What's up?

You are supposed to be selling clothes to the customers.

Not to yourself.

And what are you even doing on the floor?

I'm re-racking clothes You know what? You're fired! What?

I'm done. No, no, no.

(STUTTERS) I need this job. Can you just think about this?

Look at the other employees.

Like, what about this bitch? I've never seen her do shit.

You don't do shit here!

She doesn't work here.

Oh, okay.

Hi. Thank you so much for coming in.

Look, can we just talk about this when I get back from my vacation to Ecuador?

Vacation?

You never even asked for time off.

And I'm realizing that right now, okay?

And it's because I forgot.

Get out!

God! You know what? I don't need this job.

I'm gonna go have a sick time in Ecuador.

You have fun here, with all your shirts and your hours.

Because I don't need it.

I'm about to kick your ass.

Takin' this.

Put the damn hat down!

EMILY: I looked her right in the eye, and I went

"I wouldn't work here if you paid me."

And I just stormed out. Just like, for real.

Like, "Bye." Another one will come.

Right? Yeah.

You know what? I'm not gonna talk about that anymore.

I wanna focus on you and me on the beach. Are you with me?

I can't go to South America.

What are you talking about? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I can't go to Ecuador.

You know it's a non-refundable trip, right?

I don't want to make it about money because money comes and goes, but I don't have any more coming right now, so I'm breaking up with you.

When'?

Like, right now. This is it. You're in the middle of it.

Is it because you're afraid because things are going so great between us?

That's what this is! No.

You're terrified, because you've never felt this way about somebody before.

I know what's happening.

I'll tell you what it is. Okay.

The band is really blowing up right now, you know?

I know.

And I'm going like this. I'm taking off, all right?

Okay. And this is you.

Just on the ground.

I'm up here, too. No, you're not up there.

Why can't I go up there? No, stop.

I'm going this way. I'm with you.

Well, I'm going that way now.

Now, I'm over there.

I'm going. You can't reach.

My hand's over there.

Look. This is the thing.

Where I'm going, there's gonna be a ton of...

Inspiration. Pussy.

Inspiration? No, pussy.

I keep talking over you, but it's sounding like you're saying...

Pussy.

I heard it that time.

You heard it?

You always say music inspires you.

Pussy inspires me.

I have a pussy.

You have one pussy.

But there's gonna be, like, hundreds of other pussies.

What about just my pussy, hundreds of times?

That's not as inspiring.

You don't want to lose us. You don't want to lose this.

No. Just no.

(WHIMPERS)

All right, this is the thing.

You don't have any direction in life.

What does that mean?

It means you're not going anywhere.

You're not doing anything.

You know what? I am so sorry, honestly I'm sorry, but I want to see other people.

Excuse me?

You're great but I have a lot going on right now.

Yeah, I'm heartbroken.

You're gonna meet someone so special.

Okay, I'm gonna go. Bye.

I want you to leave!

You get out of here.

(SNIFFLING)

(CRYING)

LINDA: Okay, one more for you.

(LINE RINGING)

Yeah, not for you, Andrew. You blew it.

(ON VOICEMAIL) Hey, it's Emily. Leave a message.

Ah, Em! Listen, honey, I want you to be really careful because there was some kind of heist in Delaware.

Yeah, and I know you're in New York and everything but you can never be too safe, honey.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

(SIGHING) Okay. All right.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

Okay, guys.

Let's go to bed.

(CATS MEOWING)

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)


(GASPS)

(GAGS AND SPITS)

What?

What? No!

(SIGHS)

(HUFFS)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(CRYING)

Thank you. There you go.

(DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(GASPS) Oh!

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Poor thing! You look awful.

Thank you.

Who the hell does he think he is?

How do you know I didn't break up with him?

Did you?

No.

Of course not.

All right, this is a long hug.

I know. One more minute.

I haven't seen you in, like, forever.

Can we just move this hug along?

Hello, Philip.

(MEOWS)

Okay, honey.

So you can stay here for as long as you want.

Carte blanche, okay?

I definitely have to go back tonight.

Oh, tonight, right?

Tonight, I'm going back.

All right. Well, do what you want.

Thank you. We're in the kitchen.

Oh, Jeffrey's home? What a shock.

Okay, don't start!

What?

Agoraphobia is not a joke.

Mama, Mama, Mama... Oh.

Hey, Em.

I thought you were Mom, 'cause you guys have, like, the exact same voice.

LINDA: Okay. No, we don't.

You have the exact same haircut, too.

You know who you have the haircut of?

Who's that? Harry Potter.

Harry Potter is the greatest of all the wizards.

He's a hero and a great role model.

So, I'll take it as a compliment.

Mom, can I have a chocolate milk?

Oh, God, Mama! Mama!

Yeah? Very cold!

I didn't heat it up.

It's bread temperature.

Maybe three to four minutes and get it nice and toasty?

We could toasty-toasty!

Don't ask Mom to toast your bread for you!

What? ls something wrong with your legs?

They're in a seated position. She's already up.

I'll put the butter on myself. Thank you, Mama.

Wow, you're gonna butter it yourself?

Yeah, I'm gonna butter it myself.

Does Mom feed you like a baby bird when I'm not here?

I eat plenty. Don't worry about my diet. Don't!

Mama! She's showing me her food in her mouth.

No, I'm not, Mom. I'm chewing like a person.

Then she opened her mouth and showed it to me.

He's lying again.

Hey, guys!

This is supposed to be fun.

I know what's going on with you, man.

Ah, please.

You got shot through the heart. Okay, Michael's gone.

Ew. And it sucks.

Because you know what? He was the best you'll ever do.

Mom, can I eat upstairs? No!

I would like to eat right here with you, Mom. Mama.

You're so gay for Mom.

I'm not gay for Mom.

You're gay for Mom!

She's a woman. She has a vagina.

You suck Mom's dick.

(GROANS)

Guys! Cool it!

If you keep this up, I'm not cooking anymore and I'm not feeding you.

Stop it.

Truce. Truce.

LINDA: Arthur! Here, kitty, kitty.

Honey, have you seen Arthur? Did he get out?

He's right there.

LINDA: Oh, good. Hi, okay.

Does he ever move?

Sweetie, want to watch a movie?

I don't care, Mom.

Oh, honey, I know you feel so sad.

But everything is going to get better, honey.

I'll tell you, when Dad left I thought I would never have sex again.

And I was right.

What?

But I tell you, I am really, really relieved that you are not going on that trip.

Who said I'm not going on that trip?

I'm definitely going on that trip.

I'm just trying to pick which friend to bring with me right now because, like, everybody wants to go.

Okay.

I can't deal with you evaluating my life right now.

Can we just take the night off?

I'm not in a place.

I get it.

Enough. Don't do that.

(LINDA SIGHS)

EMILY: Okay, Shadee, how about instead of rent this month, hear me out you cash in on a free trip to Ecuador?

Come on!

Aren't you, like, from there?

Uh, no, you're the one who sounds racist, actually.

Wow, you jumped to the C-word pretty fast!

How rude is that? Oh, shit.

Mom!

Can I borrow a shirt?

Sure, honey. Go into the hall closet.


♪ Down on Cyprus Avenue ♪

♪ With a childlike vision Leaping into view ♪

♪ Clicking, clacking Of the high heeled shoe ♪

♪ Ford & Fitzroy, Madame George ♪ EMILY: Pack your bags.

You're going with me to Ecuador.

Absolutely not. Not with my knees. Not going.

Yes, you are. No!

Mom! Look what I just found.

Look at how fun you were.

Look at that! I can't even believe that's you.

LINDA: Mmm-hmm.

Look at this.

Oh!

That was a long time ago, honey.

Ma This would be so great for you.

Oh, everybody knows you need two years to plan a vacation.

No! What are you talking about?

You don't do anything fun anymore.

Idol I go to the Y twice a week, and I take sculpting class.

I mean, look! Voila!

Mom! I told you I would not acknowledge that.

That is not right. Okay?

It's your home. You put it where you want it, but it's an upsetting image. Okay.

Mom, look, I didn't want to do this but here it goes.

(SIGHS) What?

My trip...

Yeah?

Is non-refundable.

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

You always book refundable, Emily! Everybody knows that!

I know, but... (STUTTERS)

Look, it's done, and no one else will go with me.

No one.

But I booked a journey.

And I refuse I refuse to let Michael's decision dictate whether or not I, as a woman go on this trip.

I will embrace this challenge in the intrepid spirit of all the independent women who have come before me.

All the single ladies!

'Cause it's upon their shoulders that I'm standing.

No, I won't back down!

No!

So I stand before you right now, Linda and I ask you will you Linda, my mother, Middleton join me on this pilgrimage?

(SIGHS)

No.

Non-refundable!

Mom! I can't.

Help me put the "fun" in non-refundable.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(EXCLAIMING) (SHUTTER CLICKS)

(CHUCKLES)

I actually kinda caught a piece of you, Mom.

Could you lean out a little bit?

(SHUTTER CLICKS) That's cute.

Here, put this on.

What is this? What?

That is a rape whistle.

That's a rape whistle.

What? (CLEARS THROAT)

This is a dog whistle, Mom.

Oh, well...

Are you afraid these dogs are gonna rape me?

Is that the main concern?

Can I just see that?

I didn't look at the dogs.

Do they look like rapists to you?

Whatever!

LINDA: Why don't you just say, "Thank you, Mom"?

EMILY: Thank you.

"I'm being raped by a dog." (WHISTLES)

(BARKING) (BOTH YELP)

EMILY: (SHRIEKING) Oh, my God!

It works.

Wow! Mmm-hmm. Huh?

Welcome.

Oh, thank you. Um That's check-in, right? Welcome.

No, no! Thank you so much. No. Thank you.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

This is me. Thank you.

(LINDA SIGHS) (CHUCKLES)

Oh, thank you very much.

What's this? Welcome!

(EXCLAIMS)

(GROANS) Ma'am!

"Whale" what?

"Welcome." Oh!

"Welcome." I'm sorry. Honey!

They're not serving up whale semen.

I'm so sorry. I've got it, thank you.

I know, but that was not good.

Okay. And I have you down for a king.

Oh. Nope, that's not right.

I was supposed to be a king but one thing led to another, and I changed it.

So, it's two queens now.

Are you sure you changed it?

Yeah, I called ahead.

I do see that note here.

Okay, well, can you look at that note and make that note happen?

I'm sorry, I cannot.

So I'm just gonna share a king-size bed in a romantic locale with my mother?

You can sleep head-to-toe.

Like we're 69-ing.

Great. (CHUCKLES)

I know what that means, you know. "69-ing."

Really, Mom? What does it mean?

LINDA: Don't test me.

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Hey. Hi.

You ate lunch without me.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

And you got a drink.

At 2:00 p.m.

Mmm-hmm. Sure do.

Hey, honey, you're gonna break your toes in these.

No, I'm not.

These flip-flops are bad for your feet.

Okay, all right. I know.

I'm a grown woman, so I'm fine.

But thank you.

Why are you dressed like Powder?

You look like a beekeeper.

Just get some sun, is what I'm saying.

The sun is very dangerous.

Mom!

Okay, please. I just want to fix this.

You put so much on.

I don't want you to get melanoma in front of my eyes.

Please. Here. Here.

Mom! (GRUNTING)

(SIGHS) So I'm just gonna read my magazine.

Oh, that's nice.

I didn't know they had a day care program at the hotel.

(LAUGHING)

So, I don't get it.

It's gross. It is gross.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, God!

Have you talked to your dad lately?

Mmm-mmm. I think he's still in Florida with Susan.

Let's go out tonight.

What? No, I can't.

Yeah, you and me. We're going out.

No, no, no. Why?

Hair, make-up, boobs. We're going out.

Come on. Don't do this.

Emily, I am not going strolling in Ecuador at night.

You're such a scaredy-cat.

This is what I'm talking about.

You're gonna miss this whole trip.

Everything shouldn't be so scary.

Oh, it damn well should.

Okay, thank you.

Name's Ruth. Traveling with my best friend, Barb.

We usually go to the Arizona Gem Show every year.

But this year, Barb got a deal on this resort.

Well, enjoy it.

Ecuador's a pretty place.

No arguing that.

But you can't let your guard down.

That is right. That is exactly right.

A lot of terrible things happen outside these little gates.

Exactly. See? The world's a scary place.

One in four tourists in South America are kidnapped.

What? Incredible!

Not true.

Totally true.

One, two, three, somebody's missing.

It's false.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, Barb retired last year. Oh, look!

That's her over there. Finally getting some peace.

You know, she was in special ops.

And she's seen some shit.

Hi, Barb!

Special ops! Wow, that's very interesting.

Oh, don't bother waiting for a response.

Barb cut her own tongue out when she left the service.

Precautionary measures to prevent from being interrogated for top secret information.

Couldn't they just torture her into writing down the information?

Well, anyway, I best get going.

Here's my number, in case you guys want to grab dinner or lunch, or breakfast, or a snack.

Okay.

Or just kinda sit, you know?

Just sittin'.

Thank you, Ruth. Thank you so much.

See you at dinner.

EMILY: WOW. LINDA: Well I'm going to be having a lovely evening here tonight reading my novellas.

Well, I'm going to get ready and have a drink.

What a shock.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SIGHS)

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

(SHUTTER CLICKS)

Hey, do you mind if I join you?

Hey, that dude...

Oh, no. Uh, sorry.

You.

Mind if I join you?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, come over.

Please.

Uh, not you. It was me. Excuse me?

Could you kind of beat it? 'Cause you're a distraction.

Hey, how are you? I'm James.

Emily. Hi, Emily.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

What happened to your arm?

Did you try to kill yourself 'cause you're so ugly?

(BOTH LAUGH)

No, I, um I've just spent the past few weeks in Koh Phangan.

Mmm.

And my last day there I kept thinking about that quote

"Man cannot discover new oceans

"unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore."

Wow, I love that you don't care about sounding like a weirdo.

(BOTH CHUCKLE) Well, you know, I wanted a tattoo to symbolize that but I'm pretty sure I must have been wasted because I don't know what Borat has to do with any of that.

That is brutal.

Yeah, it is.

But, actually, I can beat that.

Look at this. Okay.

I got this. I was 18, okay?

Look at that. It's raised.

Touch it, it's raised. That is horrible.

I got it at the worst place.

And my skirt's over my head.

Is that finished?

I mean, people have certainly finished on it.

(LAUGHING) I'm sorry.

I don't know why I just said that.

I'm trying to, like, be funny for you.

So, here you are. How come you're here?

I'm a model. I'm here, modeling.

So you're not here with your boyfriend?

Is he a model, too?

Uh, no, I'm just here with, um my My mom.

Hey, that's so crazy you're here with your mom because I'm here with my mom.

Really?

No, absolutely not.

That would be so sad, because I'm an adult.

It's pronounced "adult."

EMILY: You've been to Egypt? What were you saying?

JAMES: No, yeah, I went to Egypt.

I know it's kind of dangerous right now.

But, I've hiked up mountains in Iran.

I've run with the bulls in Spain.

I've eaten poisonous blowfish in Japan.

To me, those are the moments that make life worth living.

I love everything you're saying.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Your Instagram must be insane.

Oh, well, no. I'm not really on any of those things.

How can anybody see what you do?

Well, they don't. But I get to live it.

Do you wanna do something tonight?

Like, something crazy, or can we do something amazing?

Yeah!

I'm sure we can rustle up some adventure tonight.

Yes! Yeah.

Everything okay over here, Emily?

I met them at the pool. Oh, you guys.

Remember, never have more drinks than you have tits.

Two tits, two drinks.

I know how many tits I have.

Please, go away.

Did you just give me danger eyes?

I don't even know what "danger eyes" is.

I gave you get-the-fuck-outta here eyes. Go away.

It was like this.

That's kind of a thing. I didn't make that face.

I think you...

That's danger eyes.

Go.

Go away.

(MIMICS SHUTTER CLICKING)

Ride or die.

Barb, you're wilin' out right now.

Thank you, Barb. Okay.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(SIGHS)

(SNIFFS AND GROANS)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

(HINGES CREAKING)

(SIGHS)

HEY HEY That was not what it looked like.

I was just washing my vagina in case we hooked up.

That is what it looked like.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

'Cause when I drink sometimes it smells like soup.

Hey, do you know what? Shall we?

Yeah? (CHUCKLES)

Hey, what kind of soup?

Um, that is none of your business.

♪ Let it all go Come on, man, I already know ♪

♪ We gotta go fig up a riot If we wanna fly free ♪

♪ Doggies and dolls I wanna be facing them off ♪

♪ Light up my fire I need to get in too deep ♪

♪ Take me to the party ♪ Really? What? What?

(LAUGHING)

Slow down. You're like...

Here we go.

What is this?

Check it out.

(JAMES LAUGHS) No.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) EMILY: on, my God!

JAMES: What do you think?

EMILY: I can't believe this.

JAMES: I know. They just sort of pop up.

Is this like a tree or something?

JAMES: It is a tree.

You're gonna know all these people by the end of it.

EMILY: Yes.

Hola! Just two of those.

(SIGHS)

That's capoeira.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)


(MAN GRUNTS) JAMES: Oh, shit!

Uh, I'm really sorry. She's never done that before.

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I think you might have killed the guy.

Holy shit. I'm sorry.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(EMILY WHOOPING)

Oh, this is nice. Right?

That's made of glass.

Yeah, it is.

And the elevator there is made of steel.

And you are okay finding your room?

Oh. Yeah.

No, I had a buzz earlier.

But it's gone now.

Uh... (CLEARS THROAT)

Your tit's out.

Your tit's out, too.

No, your tit is actually emerged.

I thought I felt a breeze.

Will you excuse me?

Oh, no. Yeah, absolutely.

(SIGHS) God, I wish I could invite you up.

But I can't.

I have to 69 my mom.

Well, how about, then you set your alarm for 9:00 a.m and we will go on another adventure?

Yeah! I would love it. (CHUCKLING)

Oh, shit.

I got my mom.

No, bring her.

It'll be fun.

Oh, my God! James!

Thank you.

That's all right. The pleasure's gonna be mine.

So, you get off to bed and I will see you tomorrow.

I'll see you tomorrow, too.

(JAMES CHUCKLES)

(CLATTERING) EMILY: on!

(CLATTERING CONTINUES)

(EMILY SHUSHING)

(SOFTLY) Sorry.

(SIGHS) Mom, I had the best night.

I learned the capoa.

You do that. And I danced with a lady.

(EXCLAIMS) (THUDS)

I'm okay.

And we twerked.

Did you ever twerk, Ma?

No. It's easy.

You just loosen your lower back, and you kind of jump.

Are you getting it? Yeah.

I was doing it better before.

What is this haunted swan doing here?

Scram, swan!

Mom I met a man.

Yeah?

I met a real man.

Well, drinking with a man in a foreign country...

You know? It's a smart, responsible thing to do.

Thank you.

I know that that is sincere, and I thank you.

You missed a maleficent night.

Well, I'm sorry. Go to sleep.

I can't get in. It's too tight, Mom.

Just, here...

Just put your feet under there.

It's so tight.

It's tight, but it will untighten.

What are they trying to prove?

Just go to sleep, honey.

He's my soul mate.

I know, I'm sure. Yeah, whatever. Wait till tomorrow.

He's gonna take us on a day trip.

Mmm-hmm. And you're going.

No, I'm not. I'm gonna read my book, is what I'm gonna do.

I've got ten pages left.

Now that I'm awake.

And hopefully you won't start drunk-snoring till I'm done.

Do you wanna know how this book ends?

I do. Absolutely.

Then the only way you're gonna find out is if you come tomorrow.

This is my book now. This is not your book.

Yes, it is. This is my book.

You are too young to be acting like this.

Oh, really? Well, you're too old to be acting like this.

Now, give me my book!

No!

You're coming!

You wanna know how this ends, Linda?

Yeah, I do.

You will come tomorrow.

What did you do?

I've got 'em right here in my chi-chas.

Chi-cha?

I'll see you and James tomorrow.

God, Emily, this isn't fun.

Good night.

(LINDA SIGHS)

(EMILY FARTS) Oh!

Emily, please.

It was the swan.

JAMES: Ah! (CHUCKLES)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(GUITAR PLAYING)

Ma!

Is he looking at me?

Is James looking?

No, he's not.

Here he comes.

Here we go.

Yes! Here you go.

Thank you! Thanks.

Hey, cheers!

Ooh, cheers! Cheers.

What's in it?

I wish I could tell you.

He said it was a secret family recipe or something.

LINDA: Oh, really? (EMILY CHUCKLES)

It's good.

Do you guys mind how we get back?

'Cause I was thinking maybe we could take the scenic route.

We're gonna go past waterfalls.

I always see about 12 rainbows.

It's insane. Or, if you want we could just take the old, boring, dusty highway.

I'll take the old, dusty highway.

What? Do you hear yourself?

Why are you a life-ruiner?

Do you know what?

She is kind of right 'cause I think we'd save probably a whole five minutes.

So... Okay.

Waterfalls and rainbows.


Where the hell are we?

Oh, we're just coming up on a really beautiful view.

Do you guys have any service? I have, like, no bars.

It's not letting me post anything.

(GASPS AND STAMMERS)

All right. That's it.

No more scenic route.

Let's just get us on the main road, please.

Are you sure?

I mean, this really is the way to experience the culture, you know.

No, thank you.

Mom, it's fine. I'm sure.

No, it's absolutely not!

Just get us out, you know, back, okay? And now!

I want you to do it right now.

EMILY: I'm so sorry.

That's okay. Listen, I'm really sorry, guys.

I didn't mean to freak you out.

Listen, I'm just gonna have to turn around up here and then we'll get back to the road.

EMILY: What was the name of that dance that we were doing the other night?

Mom, you should have seen it. Oh, my God!

Capoeira! Capoeira!


(GASPS)

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

Oh, my God!

Where are we?

(WHIMPERING)

(STAMMERING)

Why would they take us? Oh, my God!

Oh, fuck! Ew. Ew.

Mom, why aren't you talking?

Because I'm trying to remain calm.

And when I think about where we are and what's happening, I start to panic.

And I don't want to panic.

So I have chosen to believe that I am reading a very compelling article on local farming practices.

What the fuck is that? Is that porn?

Because when I think about all this...

(YELLS) I get upset!

Oh, my God.

So I'm moving on to another article about this woman's asshole.

Her asshole?

Because I just don't know what else to do.

EMILY: on, my God!

Do you think James is okay?

Do you think they're holding him here?

Oh, Emily, don't you know that James is part of all this, honey?

How can my daughter be so foolish?

How could she just not know this?

I am sorry that this happened.

But I will get us out of here, okay?

I'm gonna call...

Oh, my God. They took my phone.

Oh, my God, they took my phone!

(CRYING) It's fine. That's fine.

We just gather raw materials.

Okay, we...

And we make a shiv. I saw this.

No. I saw it. Yes!

No. We fight, we lose.

Holy shit!

What are you holy-shitting about?

Oh, the blood on the wall? Oh, well, that's there.

Hey, how about the scorpion, over there in the corner?

What? Oh, my God! It's a fucking scorpion!

Mom, you have to kill it.

I'm not gonna kill it. Kill it!

I can't kill it.

(BOTH SHRIEK) Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

EMILY: Where have you taken us?

LINDA: I have a few questions.

We have a very high-up family, and you're in a lot of trouble.

What the fuck is this?

That is heat-activated birth control, sir, so please keep that refrigerated.

This was a day. This was a day trip.

I know, but I like to be prepared. It's important.

What's your PIN number?

One two three four.

Oh, God.

I was gonna change it.

Do you have husband?

I am divorced.

EMILY: I also don't have a husband yet.

What about Jeffrey? My son, Jeffrey.

Oh, my God. Our lives depend on Jeffrey.

(JEFFREY HUMMING) (PIANO PLAYING)

JEFFREY: Shit. What you're doing is shit.

It sucks. (PHONE RINGING)

(SIGHS) Okay, just think about how to be better.

You got Jeffrey.

MORGADO: Hello, Jeffrey.

We have your mother and your sister.

And you will now pay ransom.

Pardon?

$100,000.

Wired by noon tomorrow.

Okay, I don't know who this is, but if you keep pranking me, I will report it to the police.

It will become a police matter, and you will go to jail. Okay?

I'm with Jacob right now. It's his piano lesson.

So fuck off.

Unfortunately, for Linda and Emily it is very real.

Await further instructions.

Mama? Hello! Hello!

(DOOR THUDS)

EMILY: on, my God.

(EMILY WHIMPERS) (EXHALES)

Not too bad.

However, I have to move you, and that is annoying to me.

Fortunately, you have not made me angry.

Should you ever make me angry I will skin you alive while your mother watches.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

EMILY: What does that mean? Oh, God.

Oh, my God. No! No!

Fight, Mom. Fight!

Fight, Mom!

Go limp. Go limp!

EMILY: No! Go limp.

I have a real phobia about this.

Of what? Being locked in a car trunk?

Yeah, I think everybody's got that one, Mom.

EMILY: Oh, my God! I feel like I can get this.

It's loosening.

Hold on. Wait, I think I got it.

Oh! Okay. Do me! Do me!

No. I don't care. Okay.

Okay. It's off.

Oh, my God.

EMILY: Oh, my God. We're stopped.

Okay, he's out. What do we do?

LINDA: I saw this on Dateline once.

These people were trapped in a trunk, and they found these wires...

EMILY: Wait, wires? I feel some wires.

Just grab it? Yeah.

Should I pull it? Yes.

EMILY: Oh! Oh, we're out! Okay.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Okay.

Okay, this way, come on.

Mom, what are you doing? My knees.

Keep UP!

On, shit! (GROANS)

I told you not to wear your flip-flops!

It wasn't flip-flop related, Mother.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

EMILY: Oh, shit! Go, Mom!

Go! Ola!

LINDA: on, my God!

EMILY: Mom! Come on!

I'm trying!

Come on! I'm coming.

Watch out, Mom! He's right behind you!

Emily! Come on!

Oh, my God.

Come on!

(DRIVER SHOUTING IN SPANISH)

(CONTINUES IN SPANISH)

LINDA: He's got my leg!

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(EMILY GASPS)

(LINDA GROANING)

EMILY: We're stopped.

This is the end of the line, whatever that means.

Come on, honey.

Ma, do you think there's any way that, like, maybe that guy's okay?

I saw his brains.

Why can't you just make me feel better?

Oh, my God. Thank you so much.

You are such a sweetie.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What? Hector Morgado?

(CONTINUES IN SPANISH)

This is...

Honey, he's nervous.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

EMILY: Wait, where are you going?

LINDA: Where are you going?

EMILY: Should we get back in here?

What are we supposed to do?

LINDA: Okay, we gotta get out of here. Let's go.

EMILY: What we need to focus on is that we got out.

LINDA: I don't know why I let you talk me into this in the first place.

I should have stayed at the hotel.

I can't fight with you right now. I'm starving.

Do you hear my stomach?

It's, like, crazy. I'm so hungry.

(LINDA EXCLAIMS)

Oh, my God. LINDA: A phone!

A turkey leg!

MORGAN: Mmm-hmm, hold on one second.

State Department, this is Morgan.

(MUFFLED) Please listen very carefully to me, sir.

My mother and I have been kidnapped.

Mmm, okay, where are you guys now?

Puerto Matias.

That's in southern Colombia. Let me pull that up.

Will you hold on for one second?

They took us to Colombia. It's fine, it's fine.

It's just a different... (GASPING)

ZIP code. It's so far.

Okay.

Okay, go ahead and get out a pencil and paper for me.

And write down "Calle..."

"Cali" What?

Is this a tall building that we need to get to so you can pick us up on the top of it?

That's the address of the nearest US consulate in Bogota.

Okay, but you have to actually come get us because we are Americans in peril. So...

I'm sorry to tell you, but any time you travel internationally, you take a risk.

Most of Colombia is beautiful and very safe now.

With the exception of Puerto Matias, which is very much not.

So trust no one.

Good luck.

And thanks for calling the US State Department.

(SIGHS) (MUTTERING)

You talked to him. What'd he say?

I think we're gonna need to make another phone call.

We're gonna get you out of this.

I don't know if you remember me telling you this but Barb was in the special ops.

So she's highly trained for this type of situation.

Let me tell you a story about Barb.

We're on a limited time card. We really need...

1991, Kuwait.

Hot as fuck...

Hello? (BEEPING)

(SIGHS) on, my God.

EMILY: This place seems okay.

Hi.

Hi. When does the next bus leave?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Bus doesn't leave for about 36 hours.

Oh, my God.

But I know a man who can take care of you.

Oh, yeah, I'm sure he could. Mmm-hmm.

This is how sex slavery starts, honey.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, no. You don't have to worry about that.

Those kinds of people want young, beautiful females.

You're safe.

Oh, well, yeah. That's good.

Okay, how dare you!

Like, that is so rude.

That's crazy. Well, honey.

No. Like, how dare you. That's my mother.

Honey, have a peanut.

Okay, fine. But if you think it would be safer for me to kind of, like go hide and then she meets your friend who knows how to get us to the...

No, I don't want you to do that.

No, you're both safe.

How do you mean?

Your poofy face will protect you.

But, over there, that man is who I mean.

Can I help you, ma'ams?

He's American. America!

Oh, my God. We're Americans. Hi.

I'm Emily and this is Linda. Hi, I'm Linda.

You don't even understand the ordeal that we have just been through.

LINDA: Yeah, I mean, we were kidnapped.

EMILY: We really need to get to the US consulate in Bogota? Right.

As soon as possible, kind of.

So, if you know the easiest way.

The easy way?

(ALL LAUGHING)

They were laughing at something else.

You're not going to find that in Colombia.

Ah, you've got mountain ranges to the north.

Mom, come on.

Jungles to the east and west.

And, well, the mighty one, the river, she's to the south.

There is no easy trek.

There's a reason they call Colombia

"The sack of the jaguar."

I never heard of that before. I'll tell you what.

I've got a slow boat, headed down river.

I can take you east along the Amazon and stretch it up north.

We should be able to drop you off close enough that you can make it to Bogota without too much trouble.

Name's Roger Simmons.

The boat's docked just out back.

Crew's getting her seaworthy as we speak. So...

I'll check in with them then come back for you.

Thank you.

Señor!

Chicken wings for the ladies.

You're safe with me.

Thank you.

(CHUCKLING) Yeah!

Slow boat!

Slow boat.

You wanna get the chicken wings?

That'd be great.

(EMILY MOANING)

Ma, stop. Don't, like, caress me.

Oh, sweetie.

You look just like you did when you were three.

Okay. You need to start dating again.

What? Yeah, you do.

Oh, please. Don't start with this again.

Why? I've been there, done that All right, I'm gonna pee.

Don't let them take the wings away.

Okay, honey.

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God. Help!

Mom! Oh, my God! Ow!

EMILY: on, my God.

(MORGADO GRUNTS)

That's him.

That's the guy. Oh, God.

EMILY: Hi, sir.

Remember us?

Shut the fuck up.

Why did you come to South America?

I didn't want to come. I never wanted to come.

For the cultural experience and the Red Cross.

You come down here you stay at your fancy resort clutching your pearls. (CLICKING TONGUE)

Look at my people like you are at the zoo.

What the fuck?

You offer nothing here to them.

And you take everything.

And then you kill my only nephew.

Oh!

Oh, my God. Oh, no. No.

EMILY: We had no idea. LINDA: We didn't know.

We're new in town. EMILY: We're very new.

BOTH: He was cute.

He was fast.

You should have seen him in those last moments.

I'm sorry. But listen, you kidnapped us.

And that's what motivated that. So, like that is on you.

LINDA: Okay. What? Wait a minute.

She's really such a good kid.

She is garbage.

No.

Yeah. Yes.

EMILY: Yes, I am. Yes, you are.

I am garbage. I have never voted.

I don't know any Spanish. I only know one word.

What they called me at my job at the restaurant. Puta!

Which I don't know what it means.

"Princess" or "pretty" or...

It means "whore."

That checks out.

You took someone from my family.

I must take someone from yours.

(WHIMPERING)

That is the way it is. I didn't make the rules.

Not this one.

EMILY: Mom.

Okay. Okay.

Hold on. Look!

A spear gun.

I want you to take that, and I want you to threaten him with it.

Okay, I'm gonna distract them.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna distract them!

You're distracting them?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(GAGGING)

My son!

MY son! My only son!

(SCREAMS)

What?

Kill them!

I told you to threaten him.

That's his son?

Someone order a boat with a side of adventure?

Shut the fuck up, Roger!

MY son! My only son!

EMILY: Go! LINDA: Let's go!

Manuel! Quickly, the boat!

Come on, Mom!

(MUFFLED GUNSHOTS)

(PHONE RINGS)

This is Morgan Russell.

Yes! Morgan Russell!

I'm the one that's been calling about the Middleton ladies and their situation down in South America.

Let's go get 'em. What's the plan?

Right, so, I told her to contact me once she gets to Bogota. Mmm-hmm.

There's not much more I can do, unfortunately, sir.

Okay, I imagine that you have some kind of commando squad.

Maybe, like, four underground criminals who were tried for a crime they didn't commit.

And they've been living in the underground kinda helping people along the way, almost Sir, were you born in the '70s?

Yeah. Mmm.

That sounds like The A-Team. It is The A-Team.

Do you have an A-Team?

We actually disbanded that program in 1994, sir.

Fuck! Shit!

Okay, here's how you can help.

Pull out a pen and a piece of paper.

Okay.

And write down, "If you feel the urge to call again

"resist it."

Wait. That's the advice?

That's what you're giving me?

Yep-


(LINDA SIGHING)

I don't remember the last time I had a drink.

(GRUNTS SOFTLY)

Mom, you need to relax. All right?

You're stressing me out.

I can't relax.

The most terrifying man lever saw in my life was going to cut us up in little pieces with his machete.

And that was before you murdered his son.

Accidentally murdered.

But, Mom. What?

Can we focus on the positive? Because we are safe now.

We're safe?

You think we're safe?

Yeah, we're safe. We're on a boat.

Look how fast they found us!

I mean, I'm going to be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life.

And then when I go to sleep at night, I'm going to have an image of that spear going into that man's throat. Ugh!

Why would you bring that up, Mom?

Can't you just comfort me?

Can you just please be my parent and make me feel better?

Do you want me to make you feel better?

Yes.

You are a very gifted murderer.

Okay.

You know, Mom, just because you can't control this exact situation does not mean you have to lash out at me.

I can't stop my hands from shaking, honey.

Maybe you need to chill out with the drinking, just a little bit, Mom.

Look, Roger is gonna get us home.

Let's focus on that.

Roger's going to get us home just like James was taking you out on a date.

Get it?

Judgment. (DOOR OPENS)

Linda, Emily.

Luis, here, just got word that there's a boat 50 klicks back looking for two American women.

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Now, see? What'd I tell you? Okay, okay.

We have no choice but to slip off now onto a canoe.

I'll guide you through the sack of the jaguar.

Oh uh...

You know, it's funny.

I've been looking for adventure ever since I got to this godforsaken land.

And now, well, now it looks like adventure's found me.

Yeah. Yeah, it has.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(LINDA PANTS)

LINDA: Oh, I'm weak, honey.

You should eat something.

Hey, Roger. Is this fruit okay?

Sure.

Okay. (COUGHS)

Oh, wait, do you mean, like, is it poisonous?

I don't know. Probably.

Oh, my God! (SPITS)

Ladies, listen to me.

There's always a risk if you want to feast on the sack.

At some point, you're gonna have to pick your poison.

Starvation or poison.

Mmm.

Vatmonos.

(WINCES) Oh!

Ow!

And, gosh, wasn't it weird how soggy the wood was when I tried to light it?

EMILY: So weird.

Linda, thanks for stepping up.

You really did a great job.

Yeah. It's awesome, Mom.

Thanks, honey.

EMILY: Roger, why don't you tell us a story?

You've been an expedition guide for forever, right?

Expedition guide? Oh, that's flattering.

I haven't heard that one before.

Yeah, my story.

Uh, I've been here three long weeks now.

First time on a plane.

'Til recently, I was a GM at a Trader Joe's up in Rochester.

Although, one could say that the way that store was managed, that was the real jungle.

(CHUCKLES)

And then, well, my doctor said I was sick.

So, I said to myself, "Roger! What the heck?"

"Go on down to South America."

Oh, God. Are you ill?

Hmm? Yes, ma'am. Caught the travel bug.

Oh, the travel bug.

I thought he was saying...

And cancer.

Doc gave me, oh, a month to live, which gives me about a week now, so, yeah.

I mean, because you're not just gonna walk on in to the Amazon if you're expecting to walk on out.

And so, yeah.

No. (CHUCKLES) Sure.

We got a big day tomorrow, huh?

So I think we need to catch a little shut-eye.

Someone needs to stand watch.

Why don't you guys take the first shift?

Wake me up in ten hours.

(GRUNTS) Oh, boy!

I don't know if I'll ever even be able to get to sleep.

(ROGER SNORING)

LINDA: God. Ugh! (SPITS)

Why are we still following him?

He's a cashier.

He's a manager, Mom.

Just stay positive.

Feel free to drink from any puddle you see.

All water in the jungle is safe.

You have no information.

(ROGER GRUNTS)

(ECHOING) Wait.

And just over this ridge that's the quickest way to Bogota.

(CHUCKLES)

We're going to swing over to the other side.

One at a time.

I'll go first

'cause I'm the man.

ROGER: Ha-ha!

(SCREAMING)

(LINDA GASPS)

(SCREAM ECHOING)

Oh!

Fuck! Shit!

Okay, Okay-

Oh, my God! This is bullshit!

Okay.

LINDA: on, my God!

Maybe he's okay.

Okay, okay, okay-

Okay. Okay.

O kay? O kay? Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

(PHONE RINGING)

Russell.

Hello, Morgan.

(MORGAN SIGHS)

Sir, you've called 12 times today.

I've already told you.

I've been in touch with the US consulate in Bogota.

They put out an alert with the Colombian military and police.

All we can do is wait until we hear from them.

And I wonder what Joanne would think about this.

Wait, did you say "Joanne" like, my wife, Joanne?

Is this some kind of a threat?

(STUTTERS) No, I didn't say Joanne.

You said "Joanne."

I said "Yo, Anne." No, you said "Joanne" like you've been on my Facebook page or something.

Let me tell you something.

You called an officer of the US government and threatened his wife over the phone.

I'm gonna tell you what's gonna happen right now so I want you to get real quiet, okay?

If you call this number one more motherfucking time I'm gonna show up at your house, handcuff you to the bumper of your car and drag you to federal prison, where you will be skull raped to within an inch of your life, every single fucking night!

I don't think you're gonna enjoy that.

Oh, yeah? I'll come to your house, and I'll fuck your dick.

You know what? Hold up.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yo, yo, yo! (MOUTHING)

"Yo, yo, yo"? That's racist, Jeffrey. That's fucked up.

"Yo, yo, yo"?

Yo, this is This is Derrick.

What's your last name, Derrick?

Black.

Now let me tell you something.

That threat you made is all fucked up.

I'm gonna come to your house. I got your address right here.

♪ Picture this I'm a bag of dicks ♪

♪ Put me to your lips I am sick ♪

♪ I will punch a baby bear in his shit ♪

♪ Give me lip I'ma send you to the yard ♪

♪ Get a stick Make a switch ♪

♪ I can end a conversation real quick ♪

♪ I am crack I ain't lyin' ♪

♪ Kick a lion in his crack I'm the shit ♪

♪ I will fall off in your crib Take a shit ♪

♪ Pinch your momma on the booty, kick your dog, fuck your bitch ♪

♪ Fat boy dressed up like he's Santa ♪

♪ And took pictures with your kids ♪

♪ We the best, we will cut a frowny face in your chest ♪

♪ Little Wench I'm unmentionably fresh ♪

♪ I'm a mensch Get correct ♪

♪ I will walk into a court While erect ♪ LINDA: Okay, where do we go now?

Roger said it's just across the ridge.

Roger is dead.

I realize that.

Yeah, and he didn't know anything.

Just use the map, Mom.

LINDA: on, my God.

This is a placemat from a restaurant.

Everything will be fine.

Everything is not fine, Emily Louise.

Look where we are. Look where we are.

In the middle of the Amazon!

Oh, my God!

That's how desperate I am to spend time with you.

I see you all the time.

You see me when you need something.

That's not true.

Yeah, and you know what?

When I just say anything just remotely critical...

Wait! "Remotely critical"?

Mom, you flat-out insult me. All the time.

What?

It's not a good way to raise kids.

What do you know about raising kids?

What do you know about anything?

Except posting pictures of yourself?

Okay, well, I only post so many pictures of myself because I want people to witness me having an interesting, full life and give me compliments in the comments.

You can do that without posting pictures. I do.

You have a full, interesting life?

You just check the locks all day.

And change the kitty litter.

You hide in your home with your adult son.

Are you saying that I've wasted my life?

I didn't say that.

You know what? You're wrong!

Because I had you. And I had your brother.

So don't you dare say I wasted my life.

I gave you everything I had.

Everything!

And I did it alone!

What the hell have you ever done for anybody?

For 18 years your mother is the most important person to you in your entire life.

And then... And then...

One day, poof! You're gone.

And then what are you supposed to do?

Like, just adjust? Just like that?

It's not possible, Emily.

You were mine.

And now, you're not.

And I...

I miss you.

Mom, I'm right here.

I'm the one who invited you on this trip.

I'm on this trip, Emily, because you didn't want to drink Mai Tais alone.

No! You are the mergle fur!

What the hell is mergle fur?

Oh, Emily! (ECHOES)

on! (BOTH GASP)

(SPEAKS SPANISH) Thank God!

What's going on?

Honey, we're so lucky because I had to drag you all the way through the jungle, looking for help.

And I ran into Dr. Armando and his friend.

Now, this is Maco, who I've been teaching a little English.

No big deal. Go ahead.

Hello. Ah!

Good. That's great.

He's been assisting me as I search local plants for a compound that could potentially... Are you ready?

Cure cancer.

(GASPS) That is amazing!

I think so. Yes, thank you.

All right. Well, thank you, guys.

Thanks, Macho. LINDA: You ready?

Yeah, we're gonna head out of here.

Oh, you can't go just yet.

Um, you have a parasite in you.

What? What's that?

Here's the thing. Your mother told us that you've been, like, extremely hungry lately.

And thankfully, when you passed out you shat yourself.

Thank God.

Never seen so much shit.

(BOTH SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) Like a human, almost. Yeah.

Okay, we understand. It was a lot of shit.

Lots of shit. Yes.

I'm sorry.

But through that, we could take a stool sample and test it and determine that you have a tapeworm.

A tapeworm?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Tapeworm. (ROARING)

What? Can I look at that?

Yes, please. A second opinion is... Yes.

Please, please, please. Go ahead.

So what's the treatment? Like a Z-pack?

If it's already affecting your appetite, I think it's probably...

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(IN ENGLISH) It's pretty significant.

Oh!

Listen. We're out of praziquantel so we're going to have to substract it from you manually.

What? Manually? What?

With my manuals.

That's fuckin' gross.

Good news! Right now, the tapeworm is really hungry, right?

So what we're gonna do is we're gonna lodge open your throat and dangle a piece of meat in front of your throat.

Try to coax it out.

It'll feel safe, but it's not safe because I'm gonna pull it.

No! Slowly!

Slowly! Slowly! Then, slap it down.

Slap it down. Kill it.

You both have to pull it out?

It's a two-man job, ma'am. It's a two-man job, I'm sorry.

I've got a worm, Mom. I know.

Mom! I'm here.

Get the worm out, Mom. I'm your pillar.

Hello.

Oh, hello.

(EMILY WHIMPERS)

When will we know when it's working?

When we look into the worm's eyes, Linda.

(GASPS) Come outside and face me.

Yes. Show me your face.

Oh, here it comes. Okay.

LINDA: Okay.

(CHOKING)

Oh. What?

Oh, it's coming. It's making its way.

Okay, relax, I got this. Move.

(CHOKING)

EMILY: Knock me out! Knock me out!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

What are you doing?

Okay! Okay!

(SQUEALING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Help me. Help me!

LINDA: (SIGHS) It's not like at home.

JUNGLE DOCTOR: I bet. Oh, there she comes.

LINDA: Oh, look!

EMILY: Hi. Hi.

LINDA: Baby. Hi.

LINDA: (SIGHS) Do you feel better?

I feel great. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, good. EMILY: Yeah.

LINDA: You did good.

Hi, Maco. Thank you.

Emily, this is a traditional gift that the village made for you.

It's for protection while you're here.

For me? Yes, for you.

Oh, my God.

That's so nice. (LAUGHTER)

It's heavy. It's thick. (ALL CHUCKLE)

It's, like, hurting. Thank you.

It's tight.

Something Kanye would design.

That's great.

Do they just kind of do that all day?

JUNGLE DOCTOR: Oh, yes.

When we got here, we provided a lift.

They used to have to walk miles up the hill.

But, much easier now.

That's very thoughtful of you.

And what do the men do?

They just kind of straight chill, or... (CHUCKLES)

Culturally, the women do the work and the men, they provide the protection, you know?

Yeah.

That's fucked up.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Not for the men. Yeah.

That's so cool. This is what you guys are up to.

Oh, I'm like in this now. Okay.

Ooh!

(EXHALING)

Emily! The doctor said he could get us to Bogota.

That is amazing.

Oh, my God!

Okay. Do I have a couple minutes?

'Cause I'm kinda helping...

Helping out the ladies. (CHUCKLES)

Thank you. (LAUGHS)

Come here, you know I got you, girl

Look at you helping.

Yeah, I am helpful. (CHUCKLES)

Honey, you know, when I said that, I didn't mean...

What?

That I'm selfish or that I'm worthless?

Which part of our fight?

Emily, come on. I didn't mean that.

It's fine. I know how you see me.

Yeah? Okay.

(GUNSHOTS) (BOTH GASPS)

EMILY: Oh, God.

JUNGLE DOCTOR: Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Shit, shit, shit!

There's some very bad men looking for you.

They have guns.

They've blocked the main entrance. It's really bad.

We're fucked!

No, nobody's being fucked, okay? I got an idea.

I got an idea. Go, I'll stall them.

Go, go, go. Yeah?

(GRUNTS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Honey, get in here!

This won't hold both of us. I'm too heavy.

No, you're perfect.

You're just perfect.

Okay, hold on tight.

And, remember, when you get down there, get to the embassy.

No, Mom! I want to stay with you!

Mom!

Mom! (GASPS)

Everything's gonna be okay.

I love you!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WHIMPERS)

(GASPS)

Oh.

(OWL HOOTING)

MAN: Hello.

Emily.

Hi. Hi.

We were able to get your items sent over from the hotel.

Any updates on my mom?

Oh, I'm sorry. There's nothing yet.

But we are gonna get you an escort to the airfield base...

And then someone will get you home from there.

I'm not doing that.

I'm not going anywhere without my mother.

Can I be candid with you?

Yeah. What?

It's my third day.

And I guess everybody takes off on Fridays, but they didn't tell me because it's my third day.

So if you could just take your box and go.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I just need to find my mother.

That's why I'm here.

The only reason my mother even came on this trip is because I made her. Because I am selfish.

And I need help finding her right now, and I need you to be the guy that helps me.

Come on, man. Be that guy.

Who's the guy?

Not me!

It isn't. It's never been.

I'd love to be the guy who sweeps you off your feet and is your hero and can save your mother and take care of you and maybe we hook up.

I don't know. Wait, what?

But I'm just saying that I am not that dude.

So I need you to be that girl who just takes your box and walks outta this office before you draw any more attention to the fact that I don't know what I'm doing.

Can I just use your phone?

Can you be the guy that lets me use his phone?

Yes. See? That I can do.

Come on.

(EMILY CLEARS THROAT)

(EMILY SIGHS)

I haven't been trained on the phone system.

Oh, my God!

Hello, Morgan.

Hell, no.

Choose your next move carefully, brother.

(BONES CRACKING) (GROANING)

Wait! No, no, no!

Don't touch me. Security!

Purell! Put on Purell!

I fucking hate germs.

Fucking shit! Let me have my day in court.

All right, wait, wait, wait!

Morgan, I'm a middle-aged man who never leaves the house.

All I have in this world is my mama and my sister.

And if something happens to them then all I'll have is you.

And I'm telling you right now I'm fucking annoying.

I've read all the Game of Thrones books.

I'll text you spoilers.

Please. (SIGHS)

(MOCK SOBBING) I don't want to go to an orphanage.

I can't be an orphan.

I need my mama!

Help me find my mama!

Thank you so much for answering.

I didn't know who else to call.

I'm all alone.

The guy I dealt with at the embassy was insane.

Emily, we're gonna get you through this.

But Barb wants me to let you know one thing.

She refuses to use sexual humiliation as an interrogation technique.

What are you talking about?

Fine! She'll use it.

I don't care what she does. Just can you help me?

Meet us at the Presidente Apartments at 19 hours.

ROSS: We're trying to use her cell signal to narrow down their location.

Colombian military is setting up a couple stingrays in the region now.

We can have a unit ready to go in by tomorrow.

JEFFREY: Well, we got a big problem

'cause that unit needed to be there yesterday.

I told you to shut the fuck up!

Okay.

Go ahead, solider.

ROSS: We've got reports coming in that puts them about 50 miles outside of Bogota.

MORGAN: Yeah, that's Morgado territory all right.

Who's Morgado?

Let's just say he's none of your goddamn business.

Let me come with you. MORGAN: No!

Please! Absolutely not!

I'll translate. You speak Spanish?

I speak Dothraki.

I speak Klingon.

You speak Klingon?

(BABBLING)

Nope.

Know what that means? It doesn't mean anything.

I'm coming with. You're not going anywhere.

I think I see them right there. Is that them?

Little specks there?

Zoom in. Enhance.

You know, why don't you wait outside.

Go, go in the hallway.

Fuck!

MORGAN: Nerd. He's a nerd.

EMILY: So what's the plan?

We have someone here I think you're gonna want to see.

James?

Oh, my God. EMILY: What's going on?

Thank fuck. Emily. Listen, you've gotta help me, please.

We found him sitting at the bar, chatting up another pretty young girl.

It's a scam, Emily.

Yeah, so Barb waited for him outside smacked him in the back of the head, threw him in the car and here we are.

It's not a scam. These women are crazy.

This whole fucking thing is insane.

Crazy?

Oh, you wanna know crazy?

You remember my platonic friend, Barb?

Oh, Barb!

We were supposed to go to the Arizona Gem Show but instead, I'm here, fucking with you.

(CHOKING)

You should know that Barb spent her life in special ops.

Not that bullshit regular ops.

She's retired now so she doesn't have her toolkit.

But she was able to improvise a few things.

Which, I'm pretty sure, will all be applied to your dick hole area.

Esmeraldas! She's in Esmeraldas.

It's, like, an hour's drive from here.

We got a real Chatty Cathy here.

Give me a map. I can mark it on the map for you.

Write it down.

You want to start here...

Barb is really upset about this. She had plans.

Now this doesn't always show up on Waze but you be sure to take that one because it's the quickest route if you want to avoid traffic.

EMILY: Okay.

Okay, let's go. Listen, Emily.

Be sure you check all the rooms.

She'll probably be held on the third floor.

One of the rooms in the back.

Do you have any loyalty to the people who hired you?

Hey, Emily, can I just say, as well, you...

Fuck, you look great.

Thank you. I got a tapeworm.

Well, it's working for you.

Hey, listen! Are we, uh...

Am I ever going to see you again?

Well, I don't know.

I guess if you're, like, in New York, we could get a drink.

In your wet dreams, motherfucker.

♪ I had this bad bitch Uptown, she was whoa! ♪

♪ Had me fucked up in the head I mean, whoa! ♪

♪ Bought the bitch diamonds And pearls, I mean, whoa! ♪

♪ Shoulda seen them shits shinnin' on her wrist, whoa ♪

(WHISPERS) Be super quiet.

(FEMALE GPS VOICE) You have arrived at your destination.

(ALL EXCLAIM) EMILY: Fix it!

(BEEPS)

Let's go get your mom.


(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Just walk. Huh?

(DOOR CLOSES)

(WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY) OW!

Shh! Okay.

(WHISPERING) We're all gonna jump down there, sneak past those guys and get your mom.

Okay.

(VEHICLE ENGINE STARTS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(TV PLAYING)

(PEOPLE WHOOPING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING IN SPANISH)

Fuck, fuck, fuck

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

(LOCK RATTLES)

(GASPS)

(GASPS)

Oh, honey!

I made a shiv.

(SOBS) You're alive.

Oh, my God, Mom.

I'm so sorry I got you into all of this.

(SHUSHING)

I should have just listened to you.

I should have listened to you.

That's okay.

You're always there. If I'm sad or lonely.

And it's 3:00 in the morning, I call and you answer.

You always answer.

I know, I know.

You're that person for me, Mom.

Okay, honey. (SHUSHES)

I'm so sorry.

I love you.

Honey, this is a really long hug.

Can we have just one more second?

I really thought you were dead.

This is great, but we really got to get the fuck out of here.

Okay, Okay-

(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)

LINDA: Okay, okay.

(BOTH GROANING)

(GRUNTING) Okay.

The car's over here.

LINDA: Oh, my God. EMILY: Are you okay?

No.

(TIRES SQUEAL) (BOTH SCREAMING)

BOTH: Oh, my God!

LINDA: Put up the window.

Do you have some cyanide we could take, or something?

Oh, my God! Hurry up! Hurry up!

(LINDA SCREAMS) Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

It doesn't hurt too much, but roll it down.

No.

Roll it down, pendeja. No!

Push the fucking button.

I can't, pendeja. It's broken.

It's broken?

Yeah, sorry. Goodbye.

(SCREAMING)

Hi!

No! No! No!

No! No!

No!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(CHOKES)

No!

Now, I'm gonna kill you.

Don't touch my daughter! (GRUNTS)

(COUGHS)

(BOTH GROANING)

Don't move!

Now what?

Do you wanna dance?

(MOCK HUMS)

(EMILY GRUNTS) (GROANS)

Yes!

Nice kick, malparida.

Nice kick.

Now let me show you my dance.

Oh, my God.

(SOFT WHISTLE)

(MORGADO SCREAMING)

(BOTH CHUCKLE) (WHISTLES)

Ugh! Okay.

I beg you. Don't shoot me.

You fucked with the wrong bitches.

Yeah, you did.

Kill him, Mom. No. I can't.

This is a mom thing.

No, this isn't a mom thing. You got this.

It's not what I do well. EMILY: I don't do it well.

You did it before.

Those were accidental.

I can't hold it anymore.

Okay, here I go. Go!

I'm gonna count down, I'm gonna do it.

Please. Please.

100...

99...

(VEHICLES APPROACHING)

Oh, fuck!

Oh, thank God!

Come on. Kill me.

Now I'm getting the confidence.

Give me that thing. Oh, okay.

No, I can't do that. I just got excited.

Don't move!

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GRUNTS)

I will kill you.

Very rude! Very rude!

Here we go. Moving in hot.

This is what we trained for. You, on the roof.

You, on the roof.

You, also on the roof. Everyone on the roof.

I know you're scared...

Again, shut the fuck up, man!

Okay? Okay, Jeffrey. What?

Jeffrey!

Mama...

Mama! Mama!

Mama!

(SOBBING) Mama!

(INAUDIBLE)

I missed you.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God! I'm so happy to see you.

I left the house.

EMILY: You left the house.

I made all these men come...

EMILY: What? Oh!

Here! I made them come here to get you.

I missed you! I missed you, too!

Hey. Agent Russell.

Let me take that from you.

Good job with Morgado.

We've been looking for him for a while.

Oh, my God. He's so mean.

Anyway, your brother really cares about you.

Mama!

He's a real bummer.

Oh, yeah. The worst.

Yep. Awful. Full agreement.

Morgan. Morgan!

(YELLS) What?

Thank you.

You're the best!

You're the best! Thank you for your help.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I wanna go home so fucking bad.

I'm so hungry. I'm so hungry.

(ENGINE TURNS OFF)

Let's get the fuck out of here!

(ALL CHEERING)

(MALAY MUSIC PLAYING)

Can I have just whatever everyone is drinking?

Just, like, your signature thing.

Yeah.

Hi.

HEY What brings you down here?

Oh, uh...

I'm actually volunteering.

That's awesome.

Yeah, it's really fun.

Can I get you a drink?

Uh...

I'm kind of here with somebody.

Oh.

LINDA: Honey! Hi, Mom!

Oh, God, this is so fun!

Isn't it? I know.

Okay, so anyway, I met this fascinating woman over there.

And she's gonna take us to her home and she's gonna teach us how to make murtabak.

What is that? It's a stuffed pancake.

Awesome!

I'm gonna go make a request because I want to dance.

Oh, I love you.

(LAUGHING) I love you.

You're here with your mother.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Why? (CHUCKLES)

Um...

She's fucking awesome.

That's really sweet.

Her tit is out.

Wait, what?

Oh, Mom!

♪ Oh, dancing with myself ♪

♪ Well there's nothing to lose And there's nothing to prove ♪

♪ I'll be dancing with myself ♪

♪ If I looked all over the world ♪

♪ And there's every type of girl ♪

♪ But your empty eyes Seem to pass me by ♪

♪ Leave me dancing with myself ♪

♪ So let's sink another drink ♪

♪ 'Cause it'll give me time to think ♪

♪ If I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance ♪

♪ And I'll be dancing with myself ♪

♪ Oh, dancing with myself Oh, oh, dancing with myself ♪

♪ Well there's nothing to lose And there's nothing to prove ♪

♪ I'll be dancing with myself ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪


♪ If I looked all over the world ♪

♪ And there's every type of girl ♪

♪ But your empty eyes Seem to pass me by ♪ JEFFREY: Mama!

♪ So let's sink another drink ♪

♪ 'Cause it'll give me time to think ♪

♪ If I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance ♪

♪ And I'll be dancing with myself ♪

♪ Oh, oh, dancing with myself Oh, oh, dancing with myself ♪

♪ If I had the chance I'd ask the world to dance ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

(SPANISH MUSIC PLAYING)