So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993) Script

Excuse me, miss. There seems to be a mistake.

I ordered the large cappuccino.


-Look at the size of this. -It's a bowl.

It's like Campbell's cup-o-ccino.

My sides. Please.

So Tony...

...what's with your clothes?


You Iook like you're in Starsky and Hutch.

-I look hip. -No, no, no.

More like an undercover cop trying to be.

-I am a cop trying to look hip. -Can you do me a favour?

When you go to my parents' don't dress like a 1 970s pimp.

My parents are a little eccentric.

This poem is called, "An Apology To The Aliens Who Abducted Me...

...and Whom I Inflicted Destruction Upon...

...While Having a Panic Attack Aboard the Ship."


-What are you gonna do tonight? -Well...

...l'm gonna do a poem about Sherri.

The "Woman, Woe Man, Whoa Man" poem.


Tell me again. Why did you break up with Sherri?

Tony, I told you aIready, she's a thief.

-You don't honestIy believe that? -Tony, she's a klepto.

To this day I still don't know where my cat is.

Charlie, every time you meet a nice girl... get paranoid and break up. -That's not true.

-I broke up for good reasons. -Really?

-Yes. -What about Jill?

She was in the Mafia.

-She was in the Mafia? -Yes, the Cosa Nostra.

-I never knew how she made a living. -She was unempIoyed.

-She didn't work. -That's a perfect cover.

All right. What about Pam?

She smeIled like soup.

-What does that mean? -Like beef-vegetable soup.

-Paranoid. -You weren't there.

-It's all in your head. -No, no.

-It is. -No, no.

-I'm up. Wish me luck. -Good luck.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for our own Mr. Charlie MacKenzie.

Woman Woe man Whoa man She was a thief You gotta believe She stole my heart and my cat Betty Judy Josie and those hot Pussycats They make me horny Saturday morny Girls of cartoons Won't leave me in ruins I want to be Betty's Barney Hey, Jane, get me off This crazy thing Called love

-Hi. -Hi.

Can l help you?

-Yes, do you have haggis? -Yes, we do. One?

Yes, please.

My parents are Scottish.

That will be $1 9.75.

Here you go.

Thank you.

-Will there be anything else? -No, thanks.


May, get in here!

All right, May, turn off the Bay City Rollers!

The soccer game's about to begin!

-HeIlo. -Hi!

We're in here, son!

-Charlie. -How's it going, William?

Give your mother a kiss, or l'Il kick your teeth in.

Hi. Hey!

May. Shut it!

-How you doing, Dad? -Fine.

-Come on, Charlie. -Away you go with your mother.

Why don't you try one of her bras on, wee girl?

Flaunt away, you fairy!

Hey, Mom.

I brought you guys a haggis.

That's sweet of you, son. Thank you.

I haven't seen one of these for years.

Actually, I hate them. But your father wilI--

Look. He's giving Tony all that Lyndon H. LaRouche rubbish again.

It's a known fact, Sonny Jim, that a secret society...

...of the five wealthiest people, known as the Pentavirate... everything in the world, incIuding the newspapers...

...and meet tri-annually at a secret mansion in CoIorado known as...

-..."The Meadows." -Who's in the Pentavirate?

The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds...

...and Colonel Sanders, before he went tits-up.

I hated the Colonel, with his wee beady eyes...

...and that smug look on his face. "You're gonna buy my chicken."

Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?

He puts addictive chemicals in chicken...

...making you crave it fortnightly, smart-ass!

Interesting. Cuckoo.

Charlie, would you Iike a juice?

Look at what I've bought myself, a Juice Tiger.

-A Juice Tiger? -Yes, I juice everything now.

I'm on a new diet.

I'm on a Weekly World News Garth Brooks Juice Diet.


-Margin, one-nil! -Magic goal!

Let's have a Iook at the replay.

WiIliam, move your head.

Look at the size of that boy's head.

It's like an orange on a toothpick.

-You'Il give him a compIex. -That's a huge noggin.

It's a virtual planetoid. Has its own weather system!

Head! Move!

-Your Sherri's late. -Mom...

...Sherri and l broke up.

Not Sherri?

I liked Sherri.

I didn't like the other girls you brought home.

-Don't make it any harder for me. -Why should l make it easier, son?

You were good together, you and Sherri.

-I thought you'd marry. -You know I'm terrified of marriage.

I know that, son. l know that.

Maybe it's better not to marry. Did you read the paper?

-No. -No? Where did I put it?

Stuart! Bring in the paper!

All right, hon!

Head! Paper! Now!

Move that melon of yours if you can.

Hauling that gargantuan cranium about.

No kidding. His head's like Sputnik.

Spherical, but pointy in parts.

That was offside, wasn't it?

He'lI be crying himself to sleep tonight on his huge piIlow.

Mom, why do you refer to Weekly World News... "the paper"? The paper contains facts.

This paper contains facts.

And this paper has the eighth-highest circulation in the whole wide world.

Plenty of facts. "Pregnant Man Gives Birth."

That's a fact.

Here it is, look. Read this.

"Mrs. X. The honeymoon murderer."

She marries men under fake identities and then she murders them.

She's murdered three men already.

Victim number one was a lounge singer.

Victim number two, a Russian martial arts expert.


And she's also killed a plumber named Ralph Elliot.

And her whereabouts are unknown.

Give us a kiss, Tony, and cheer me up. Good night.

Good night.

Wow, you've turned into a sexy wee bastard. You know that?

Thanks, Mrs. MacKenzie.

-Hasn't he? -I think so.

-Good night, Mom. -Good night, Charlie.

-Good night, Dad. -Fine, go. You've stayed your hour.


-Morning, Charles. -Morning, sir.

Are you working on the forms for the vendor--?

Yes, captain.

Tony? Tony?

I don't want to intrude, but you seem a Iittle down.

Well, captain, it's about my job.

I'm having doubts about being a cop.

It's not like how it is on TV.

I fill out forms and paperwork all day.

Point welI taken, but even though it's not exciting...'s very important.

Yeah, but of alI my times as a cop, I've never....

I never chased a guy across a crowded square.

I've never hung onto that part of the helicopter. You know that part?

-You know? -I know it.

I've never hung onto that or even commandeered a vehicle.

-That sounds like a lot of fun. -That's the other thing.

You're too nice.

-I'm too nice? -Yes, you're too nice.

Why not be like a Starsky and Hutch captain?

Where you haul me in your office and bawl me out...

...because you're tired of defending me from the commissioner.

The truth is, l report to a committee.

Some are appointed, elected, or co-opted biannually.

-It's a quorum, so to speak. -A quorum?

-Yeah. -I thought l was gonna be Serpico...

...but instead l'm Iike Fish from Barney Miller.

Hey, somebody needs a hug.


Okay, coming up.

-Hi. -Haggis, right?

Yeah, I'm the guy who ordered the haggis.

-Can I ask you a question? -Sure.

-Do you like haggis? -No, it's repeIlent.

I think Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

-I'm next. -You're next.

Yes, can I help you?

I'll tell you how you can help me. All I want is one New York steak...

...a quarter-inch thick. That's all. No more, no less.

-Get it and let me out. -I'm reaIly busy. Be right back.

-It's busy, hey? -It's insane today.

My dad's a butcher, and l used to work at his shop.

-I can help you. -I'd Iove some help.

-Great, what's your name? -Charlie.

-Harriet. -Hi, Harriet.

-Could you get four porterhouses? -Okay.

Just kidding.


So do you live in New York?


Just teIl me if that's too tense. You guide me. You guide me.

Mom, can you get the school nurse?

Get the school nurse! Help me!

It was an accident in shop.

Get me a tourniquet? Anything.

Thanks for helping me out at the butcher shop.

-You were really nice. -Oh, I was nice?

"Nice." Evidently you think of me as a woman friend.

-And what is wrong with being nice? -Nothing.

-Charlie? -Yes?

-Name a bad thing you've done. -I've done bad things.

Tell me one bad thing you've done, and it better be evil.

-How evil? -Really eviI.

So evil that you wouId say it was "e-vil."

Like it's the fruits of the Devil. "E-vil."

For example, how many people have you brutally murdered?

"Brutal" is a very subjective word.

What's brutal to one person might be reasonable to somebody else.

Excuse me.

Do you know Russian?


Oh, this hurts. No, this is hard.

Not only are you extremeIy good-looking...

...but you're also very smart and that's no fair.

-That's hard. -Bright women intimidate you?

No, no. Not at alI.

But it's a shame I'm going to have to destroy you.

-Charlie, come here! -Nadia...

...l am coming.

Expand, contract, expand.

What do you look for in a woman you date?

I know everyone always says sense of humour...

...but l have to go with breast size.

Oh, my God.

Come! Let us dance like chiIdren of the night.

-Here we are. -Wow, what a great pIace.

-Some tea? -Sure.

Well, show yourself around.

You know what this pIace needs? A large poster of Atlantic City.

Oh, Iook, you got one!

I used to live there. I have herbaI teas:

Cubby Wubby Womb Room tea...

-...and Morning Thunder. -I'lI go with Cubby Wubby.

All right, thanks.

What's this?

I had a friend who was a martial arts expert and....

-Oh, you had a friend? -It's a martiaI arts thing.

I thought it would look good on the waIl.

It does.

You know, Scotland has its own martial arts.

It's called "fuck you!"

It's mostly head-butting and kicking people on the ground.

-It's late. -Not for me.

-Who for, then? -Who for, then, what?

If not for you, I wonder who it is Iate for.

Not me, no. I like the nightlife.

I like to boogie.

I'll make the tea, then.

You know...

...maybe it is late.

I'll be honest with you. I had a great time tonight...

...and I'd really love to kiss you.

But if I kiss you, we'll end up on the couch, and if we end up there...

...chances are we'll kiss in the bedroom...

...and that's the part I always rush into.

It's not a good idea to rush into spending the night together.

-I want to spend the night together. -I have no problem with that.

You're it.

Come here!

Oh, no! Oh, God!



I wilI. l will.

Wait, not now! Not now!

Ralph! Ralph!

Harriet. Harriet.

You were having a dream.

And you kept saying the name "Ralph."

-RaIph? -Yeah, you kept saying "Ralph."

She's my friend.

She's your friend. Ralph.

Ralph. She.

I'm sorry! I thought you were somebody else!


I'm Harriet's friend, Charlie. You must be RaIph?

I'm Harriet's sister, Rose.

-She gave me a note to give to you. -Great.

"Dear Charlie, I didn't want to wake you.

Make yourself at home and thanks for the... dog. Harriet."

That's a very nice note.

-Let me make you some breakfast. -I'd Iove to, but I'm running late.

How do siIver-dollar pancakes...

...fresh orange juice, bacon and Kona coffee sound?

It sounds great.

Sorry. I didn't have those other things.

That's fine. That other stuff will kill you.

Whereas Froot Loops are light and reasonably high in fibre.

-I care for Apple Jacks a great deal. -Got them.


So, is this your place?

No, this is our place. Harriet's and mine.

She sort of comes and goes but always ends up here.

She didn't speak of me?

No, she didn't speak of you.

She mentioned a martial arts guy, and there was discussion about Ralph?

Oh, really? She spoke about them?

She talked about the martial arts guy and kind of shouted "Ralph."

-Well, you know Harriet. -Actually, l don't.

-But you did have sex with her. -HeIlo!

I'm gonna go now.

I won't tell Harriet that anything happened.

Well, Rose. Rose.

Nothing did happen.

Don't worry, Charlie. Just be careful.

"Just be careful."

I had the greatest night of my life last night.

-Sounds like you reaIly like her. -I'm smitten. l'm in deep smit.

She is wonderful. But we shouldn't taIk about it.

I'll start analysing it, and that's no good.

That is good. You should just let it happen. Relax.

I am a park ranger, and l will lead you on the tour.

All the rangers at Alcatraz were once guards, myself included.

My name is John Johnson, but everyone caIls me Vickie.

Please follow me.

-I love Vickie. He's great. -He's the best.

This is the main ceIlblock area.

Home to such famous criminals as Al Capone...

...Mickey Cohen, Joseph "Dutch" Cretzer...

...and Robert Stroud, the famous Birdman of Alcatraz.

This time will be different. If something happens, I'll let it go.

It's not my business. For example, Ralph.

She says "Ralph" in her sleep. So what?


This cell's for solitary confinement...

...that's come to be known as Times Square.

Make sure everyone gets a look.

So who's RaIph?

I don't know. More importantly, I don't want to know.

That's good.

Did you and Harriet, you know, last night?

Okay, dirtbag.

All you have to know is that Harriet's a sweet and loving person.

Well, that's good. That's nice.

-And yes, we did. -All right!

Close it up, close it up, close it up.

This is something the other tour guides won't tell you.

In this ceIlblock, Machine Gun Kelly...

...had what we call in the prison system, a bitch.

One night, in a jealous rage, Kelly took a makeshift knife, or shiv...

...and cut out the bitch's eyes.

-Another thing about Harriet I Iove-- -No, no.

And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly...

...the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing...

...into the bitch's ocular cavities.

This way to the cafeteria.

Tony, I'm really happy.

Please, don't let me screw this one up.

-I'lI try. -Alrighty. Thanks.

-That ocular cavity thing was-- -When he mentioned pissing into....

Okay, l got another one. What's worse?

The cable goes out and you're left with synchronized swimming...



You're stuck on the Bay Bridge in traffic...

...and you've just had two strong cups of coffee and three bran muffins.

-No, wait. I have a good one. -HeIlo! HelIo!

What's worse? You go to your favourite restaurant...

...order your favourite meal, take a bite...

...and under the steak is a scabby Band-Aid.


Or being electrocuted.


That's it. I was electrocuted once. It was horrible.

-Oh, well, that's.... -That's a crying shame.

Can we get our cheque, please? Thanks a lot.


That was funny.

-I'lI get that. -No, I got it.

-I'lI get it. Charlie. -No, it's mine. No, no, no.

-I got it. I insist. -No, no, no.

-"No" infinity. -Come on.

-Negatory, good buddy. -You're embarrassing me.

-I'lI pick up the cheque. -Okay.

You want to catch a cab?

-I'd Iike to walk. -Come on, it's raining.

-I'd Iike to walk. -Me too.

-All right. See you later. -Bye.

Nice meeting you.

-Well, it's officialIy raining. -It's just a drizzle.

You know, I love that you wanted to walk in the rain.

I'm gIad you're meeting my parents tomorrow.

You know what, Charlie?

It's strange, but I feel really safe with you.

Like in old movies when people never left each other.

I mean, they stayed together forever.

It's a great house.

They moved in the day they were married.

I'm throwing them a 30th wedding anniversary party.

Mom, Dad, we're here.



Is this the wee Harriet? She's absolutely beautiful.

And you're very, very weIcome.

I hope you hold on to this one.

You have the face of a wee angeI, do you know that?

I give! I give! I'm Charlie's father.

Sorry. I'm sorry. You surprised me. I'm sorry.

I like this one, Charlie. She's quite a filly.

Charlie tells me you're a butcher.

Yes, I am a butcher.

Do you Iink your own sausage?

I do.

-Why don't you put your trousers on? -HoId your horses.

Head! Pants! Now!

Why don't you come with me?

I have wonderfuI photos of when he was a wee baby.

Like one of him shitting his pants at Niagara Falls.

Come on, don't show her the pictures.

Lighten up, Charlie. You've got a pickle up your ass again.

I'm going to the washroom, okay?

Evidently, I have a pickle up my ass.

-You'Il be okay if I leave you? -Fine. Don't worry about me.

Make sure there's enough paper.

And Charlie, light a match!

Are you away to crap, again?

What a cute baby CharIie was!

You okay in there? You didn't fall in there, did you?

I can't believe the resemblance between you and Charlie.

Thank you.

That's enough about us. Tell me something about yourself.

Have you always lived in San Francisco?

No, actualIy I moved around quite a bit.

I had a really great time with your family tonight.

Oh, great.

You know that martial arts expert friend you had?

Was that here in San Francisco?

No, actualIy it was Miami.

Your family's really great, CharIie.

-When your mother took out-- -Was that before Atlantic City?

It's a period in my life that I really don't like talking about.


I hated Atlantic City, Charlie.

It's a town full of gamblers and lounge singers.


No. No.

Oh, Ralph.

Have you heard of this? Mrs. X.

She murders her husbands...

...then changes her identity and marries again.

I never heard of it. So what?

I think I'm dating Mrs. X.


Two words. Therapy.

She told me she dated a martial arts expert.

It says that one of the victims was a martial arts expert.

Last night, she put a move on my dad and tried to break his neck.

About 1 000 people have tried to break his neck.

If they also say "Ralph" in their sleep, it's a good start.

Look here, "RaIph Elliot.

Plumber from Dallas. Missing since his honeymoon."

-Charlie, you're just getting scared. -Yes.

-Harriet could be the one. -Yes.

You suspect her, because you're scared you'll marry her.

And to you that's death.

Come on, just read it, okay?

-Read it. For me, just read it? -Okay.

-"Larry Leonard, the croner..." -Crooner.

"...made a name for himself...

...being able to sing, in six languages, 'Only You."'

Does Harriet know the words to "Only You"?

We haven't reached that critical...

..."do you know the words to 'Only You"' phase.

-So I'm afraid I'm not much heIp. -Charlie!

You gotta move past this!

I'm worried. You're living according to the Weekly World News.

It's the 8th highest circulating paper in the worId, I'lI have you know.

Look, Tony, Mrs. X.

Please, look it up, okay?

For me? Indulge me?

There's no record of deaths.

All three were reported missing, but so were their wives.

No picture of any brides. For all we know, they just moved away.

That's true. You're gonna have to realise that.

I would lie to you, but Kathy always tells the truth.


You feel better now?

-I guess so. -Good, good. Come on.

I'm Maureen O'Boyle. Welcome to A Current Affair.

Tonight: Amy, did she or didn't she?

Then, the reptile that took Hollywood by storm.

But first, the Justice Department reports an alarming rise... the number of poisoning murders.

And that 87 percent of the murders occur within the family...

...a scourge which seems to be reaching into every home.

Steve Dunleavy examines poisoning murders. Steve.

The most common poisonings occur between couples.

For reasons as varied as insurance fraud, jealousy...

...and pure psychopathic behaviour.

-Hi. -Hi. Hi.

I have a surprise for you.

What is it?

It's a health shake.

I made it especiaIly for you.

Try it.

Thank you, no. Thanks.

You'll like it, Charlie. Just take a sip.

I have kitten breath. I'm just gonna go brush my teeth.

Why don't you just taste it?

It's got strawberries. Taste it.

I spent 20 minutes making it.

-One little sip. It wouldn't hurt-- -I'm just gonna go.

Fine. Forget it. Forget it.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

I'm just sensitive.

I mean, you didn't drink my shake. So what? Right?

Look, you spent a half an hour on it. I understand.

-Let's scratch. -It's depressing.

-Scratch. -Scratch?


Come on. Let's do a littIe scratching.

There you go. Scratching.

-Golden Gate Bridge. -Golden.

-Presidio. Union Square. -Got it.

-Little Japan. -Got it.

Union Square.

-Oakland. Oakland. -Oakland.

Can you reach around and get Coit Tower?

-San Andreas Fault. -Charlie.

You know what l like best about you?

I can tell you anything, and you don't judge me.

Charlie, have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff...

...or subway platform with someone...

...and you thought just for a split second:

What if I pushed him?

I foIlow the Judeo-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill."

-But that's just me. -I'm just making a point...

...of how many times we trust people with our lives.

I mean, look at us.

Look how vuInerable we are, sleeping.

I could do anything to you in your sleep.

Like what?


You're on your side, asleep, I could...

...stick a needle in your--

Charlie! Jesus!

I'm showing you we have a good relationship!

I'm sorry, but I have an ear thing.

In an episode of Night Gallery, this guy gets an earwig.

They said the good news is, we got the earwig...

...but the bad news is, it was a female.

-I'm sorry. -Good night.

-I have an ear thing. -Good night.

I'm sorry.

-I'm a human blanket. -Get off. Just, good night.

Well, good night.

Can l help you?

I'd like to place an announcement.

It's my parents' 30th anniversary.

That's $4.50 per word...

...and you've got a choice of standard or bold.

You having a busy week, Frank?

No, just these two. It's been dead around here.

I got this tourist, heart attack on a cable car.

Guy left his heart in San Francisco.


That's a real person you're taIking about.

All right, l'm sorry.

There's another one. San Francisco plumber: Elliot, Ralph.

Disappeared four months ago.

The body was found in a sewer.

Guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain.

Did they mention his wife?

I know that we're talking about real people here, so I'm sorry.

Seriously, did they mention the wife?

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to joke about other people's lives.

I'm serious. Did they mention--?

You win, okay? I'm a bad person.

-Take it easy. -No, he's saying l'm a shit.

Did they mention the wife?

Did they mention the wife?!

No! They didn't mention the wife! You happy?

Yes, I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man!

Stop! Look at the insensitive man! That's why they pay you!

He was my ride home.


Why did you have to see me so urgently?

You couldn't come to my apartment?

It's just safer here.

What? CharIie.

I'm sorry.

I think you're a terrific woman.

I just don't think we should see each other anymore.

Why? And tell me the truth.

I'm afraid that you're gonna k-- Leave me.

I'm gonna cleave you?

-What does that mean? -No, leave me.

That you'll reject me.

So l just thought I'd do a preemptive strike.

So you're rejecting me?

I didn't mean to hurt you.

I never wanted to hurt you.

Don't worry, you haven't.

At least you left early on.

So that's it, then?

Because I gotta get back to work.

Woman Woe man Whoa man We had love not just sex Is she Mrs. X?

I had to run for my life

Jane, get me off of this crazy thing Called love


Not that it matters, but I thought you'd like to know...

...somebody admitted murdering Ralph.

What about the others?

She just confessed to the one.

Anyway, crime to stop. Gotta go. Catch you later.

-It's me, CharIie. -Go away.

I gotta talk to you. I made a big mistake. I'm an idiot.

I'll go into therapy, okay?

I'll go twice a week. I don't know if insurance wiIl cover it, but....

What is it?

Hi, Charlie.

I don't want to lose you.

You didn't. You rejected me.

Okay, l'm un-rejecting you.

You'll do it again, Charlie. You'll do it again.

No, I'm not gonna do it again.

Look, I got scared, okay?

Things were going reaIly good and then I just got scared.

I love you.

I love you too.

But you blew it, Charlie. You blew it.

Harriet, Harriet Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis Beautiful, bemused Bellicose butcher Untrusting Unknowing Unlovéd

He wants you back He screams into the night air Like a fireman going to a window That has no fire

Except the passion of his heart I am lonely It's really hard This poem sucks

I'm sorry I didn't trust you.

Harriet, somebody's downstairs to see you.

She'll be down in a moment. And could you bring the car around?

Thank you so much. Bye-bye.

Charlie, come here. I want you to meet a friend.

This is Ralph.

Ralph? Ralph? This is Ralph?

-This is Ralph? -Come on.

This is Charlie.

-Great to meet you. -No, it's great to meet you.

Yes, I love you so much.

Oh, God!


I'm naked, aren't l?

Yes. Yes, you are naked.

Okay. l was just naked then. Very nude.

Nice to meet you and call me?

I wilI.

Shut it!

I'd like to propose a toast.

To my wife, May.

Thirty years ago today, May and l were married.

Some of you were there. Some weren't born.

And some of you are now dead!

But we both said, "I do," and we haven't agreed on a thing since.

That's true.

But l'm glad I married you...

...because it could have been worse.

And besides...

...l still love you.

Thank you.

Tony, would you like to dance?

Let's dance.

It must be a great feeling to have....

You okay?

No, I'm not. Harriet.

Marry me.



Why not just live together?

We could live together first. Let's just live together.

Because I love you. We shouId get married...

...and spend the next 30 years of our life together.

I want you to have my children. And I want you to have your children.

That sounds like an awful lot of children, but....

I love you.

I need you.

Let's just get married. Okay?

Harriet... my wife.

All right, everyone, shut your cake hole!

I'd like to make a toast to my son, Charlie.

Thanks for throwing this great party.

I hope you have the same great 30 years that we've had.

To CharIie!


You wiIl?

Let's get married, Charlie.

Now, Mr. MacKenzie, if you will take this woman to be your wife...

...through thick and thin, for better or for worse...

...pIease say "I do."

I do.

Now, Harriet, if you wiIl take this man through good times and bad...

...forever and ever as your husband, please say "I do."

I do.

Now, CharIie, kiss the beautifuI bride.

Let's get pissed!

Hang a solo!

We have a piper who's down. It's all right, he's just pissed.

We have a piper down. I repeat, a piper is down.

This is such a great party.

-It is. -The marriage was beautiful.

-It was. -It was great.

Yeah. She's great, isn't she?

She's the best. She's incredibIe.

You've been such a chicken, and finaIly, you met the one.

How could you think she was a killer?

Come here, Charlie. Come stand by me, Charlie.

Wait till you see this pIace. It's called Poets' Corner.

A lot of the Beat poets used to go there.

You're really quiet.

Oh, I'm just thinking.

Oh, okay. Well....

Why don't I do the talking for you, all right?

Hi, my name is Harriet.

Hi, Harriet. How's it going? Good, good, l suppose.

I think you're great, Charlie. Everything you do is art.

You're a sex machine. Get on the scene with the sex machine.

Thank you very much. You're the best husband l ever had--

Why did you just say that?

It was a joke.

Why did you say it?

I thought it might be funny.

Nothing, I just think you're a great person. That's aIl.


-You're the best. -No, no, no! Watch out!

I hear you've been working the Ralph Elliot case.

-Yes, captain. -Don't "yes" me.

This is strictly homicide.

I got a friend--

We all got these friends. I'm warning you.

Back off, Italian boy. Keep away from this. lt's too big.

Wait a minute.

Trust me. I know what I'm talking about. What's the news?

You want to hear news? Here's the news.

The lady that confessed to Elliot's murder has...

...confessed to other crimes.

I knew she would.

To the murders of Abraham Lincoln...

...Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase.

Oh, my God! I gotta go.

Screw this up, and you'll be writing parking tickets forever.

Captain, I won't let you down.

Good for you. That was better.

-Yeah? -It was fantastic.

-The beginning felt good. -It was great.

Too much in the end.

No, it was terrific.

-I need to save a life. -I'lI work on it.

Work on it, it was terrific.

It was a big improvement.


That is Ralph Elliot's wife.

Of course her hair was much shorter then.

She's gained weight since then...

...but it's definitely her.

Yeah, that's her. He was really in love with her...

...but l tell you, she was fun, and smart. Doll-face too.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

This is really cool.


Mr. and Mrs. MacKenzie, enjoy your honeymoon.

When you leave, it'll be far too soon.

That's great.

Four nights. Your dinner reservations are at 9:00.

Sounds great.

Put candles by the bed. With a storm, we lose power.

That's cool. Did you hear that? A storm.

A storm. We'll be snugly inside and....

You okay?

I have a headache. Excuse me, do you have a drugstore?

-I need aspirin. -Up the stairs, Mrs. MacKenzie.

Don't move.

-You think she has a headache? -What?

Nothing. Here's your key. The Robbie Burns room.

Oh, thanks. Thank you.

-The circuits are down. -Keep on trying.

Tell the chief I chartered a plane.

-Hey, paisan! -What?

Screw up, l'll kick your spaghetti butt back to Milan.

Not now. Not now.

-Too many ethnic slurs? -It's not paisan, it's paisan.

Hey, paisan.

Hey, listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?

It shouldn't take very long.

Actually, I have no concept of time.

Jeez, is this dangerous?

No. WeIl, there's chance in everything.

You've done this before, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.

I've never done it at night.

Mr. and Mrs. MacKenzie, glad to see you.

Follow me.

How do you know where you're going?

Instruments. lnstruments.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? What's that?

That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon.

You know, I'm gonna wash my hands. All right? I love you.

Good evening.

What are you doing? Wake up!

Oh, man, I was having an amazing dream.

I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!

I was just born, and l was eight and a half months premature.

-The doctors were freaking out. -Shut up.

Did I already tell you this dream?

Can l have your attention? I have a few announcements.

Celebrating their 25th anniversary tonight...

...Mr. and Mrs. Seymour Levenstein.

How about a hand for them?

Thank you, thank you.

Twenty-five years ago, they were here.

Speaking of new couples, Charlie and Harriet MacKenzie.

-They look great. -There's a phone call for you.

It is quite urgent.

Oh, thank you. Sorry. Hello.

-Charlie, you okay? -Couldn't be better.

Charlie, Iisten to me. Harriet is Mrs. X.

She killed Ralph and those two other guys. I got a picture.

It checked out. It's her, Charlie. She's the murderer.

I called the police. It'll take a while.

Just stay where you are.


Hold on one second. What should I do?

When the time comes, you'll know.

Thanks, thank you.

Hello, hello, heIlo?!

Charlie? Charlie?!

-HeIlo! -What happened?

The phone died! I was talking, and it died.

It's common. It will be out until tomorrow. Have a nice meal.

What happened?

Nothing. The phone lines went dead.

We wish a long and beautiful life.

We want to play your song, The Platters, "Only You."

You can't go. You have to wait for the wedding dance.

We got a lot of traditions here.

Stop! Excuse me. l'm with the San Francisco Police Department.

I would like to commandeer this vehicle.


What do you mean, "no"?

I know you don't have the right to commandeer my vehicle.

Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?


You're not gonna bend on this thing, are you?


-Please. -Go ahead.

No, I don't want to. Charlie.



Help me! l've married a...

...wonderfuI person who I love and adore. Who I want--

They've had enough of this crowd.

They have better things to do.

Let's put them in the honeymoon chair.

-We did it on our honeymoon. -It's just fun.

No, I haven't had my dessert yet.

To the room! To the room!

Have a good night.

Stay for a nightcap?

No. You two want to be alone.

No, reaIly. Stay for a nightcap.

I really shouIdn't.

Stay for a nightcap!

Charlie, there's something I've been meaning to tell you.

Harriet, I, I....

Charlie, I've been married before.

-Harriet, I already know that. -You know about my husbands?


-Stay away from me! -What are you doing?

Come on. Stay away from me.

You don't understand. Give me the axe!

-Don't go! -Get off me!

-Charlie! Don't go! -Get off!

Wait. Charlie.


Would you mind not doing that?

This bothers you?

No, it's one of my favourite things.

Don't go! Charlie! Charlie!


Hello? HeIlo? Hello?!

"Dear Harriet. l just can't handle the commitment.

It's too hard. I'm leaving you.

Love, Charlie"? I didn't write this.

What the fuck?!


What's happening?! Charlie, open the door!

-Rose tried to kilI me. -What?

Shut up! I wrote this note!

You're not to be here when...

...this note has been placed on the desk!

Do you understand me? You took her away from me, Charlie.

Like all the rest.

I have had it!

You are going to die.

Would you mind waiting?

I may need you to help if I make an arrest.

I'll need a ride--

Shucks. Thank you.

What are you doing?! Charlie, be careful.

Run, Charlie!

Stop it! Stop this, Rose! Help!

Somebody! Help!


Is that you? Help! Hurry.

Hurry! I'm in here! Who is it?!

Help! Who's there? Who's there? Charlie?! Charlie, help!

I'm in the closet. Come here. Tony! Open the closet.


Where are you going?

We gotta go on the roof. Charlie and Rose are on the roof.

Charlie's on the roof!

-What're you doing? -Shut up!

Let's just take this down a notch.

What you're saying is that Rose killed your husbands...

...forged notes to make you think they left?

Yes. Listen, that's them up on the roof. Listen!

You don't get it, do you?

We can talk here, or we can talk about it downtown.


-Charlie! -Harriet!

-Charlie, I'm coming up! -Hang on!


Charlie, be careful!


San Francisco police! I got you!

I got her, Charlie. I got her!

-Don't let me fall! -Okay, Rose. Come on, we're going in.

Oh, sorry.

Rose, jailbird Happy in her cage No longer full of rage She roosts

Harriet, sweet Harriet You acted cuckoo

'Cause you thought I would leave you Sweet bird

Harriet, sweet Harriet So knowing, so trusting So lovéd