Soapdish (1991) Script

We're outside New York's Plaza Hotel... for the 32nd Annual Daytime Television Awards.

And a glorious, glamorous night it is.

A night of a thousand stars.

From The Sun Also Sets, it's Montana Moorehead and Ariel Maloney!

Such approval from this crowd must make you feel good.

We have the greatest, most loyal fans in the world.

With these stars is the show's producer David Seton Barnes.

David, a big night for you.

Yes, when I originally hatched the Caribbean theme...

Celeste Talbert!

Celeste! You know her as Maggie from The Sun Also Sets.

She's here with Blair Brennan, who plays her gorgeous husband Bolt.

Celeste, your 12th nomination as best daytime actress.

It must get to be old hat for you.

Never, Leeza. It's always such a genuine thrill.

I know you're anxious to get inside and share the excitement.

Best of luck to you tonight.

Thanks so much, Leeza.

Now the oil refineries belong to me.

Only me!

And another thing.

You're all fired.

Now our fifth nominee, Celeste Talbert... from The Sun Also Sets.

I never said I was the best mother. Give me a little credit, will you?

Credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how.

Darling!

Oh, my darling!

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

I am guilty!

Guilty of love in the first degree.

Bolt...

if this operation isn't a success... if...

I should die... please, please...

please, don't be sad.

I want you to be happy.

You are the great love of my life.

And the award... for best actress... in a daytime drama...

Tell me you don't love this. goes to...

Celeste Talbert!

Five minutes, Mr. Loman.

Don't call me Mr. Loman!

My name is Anderson! Anderson! Anderson!

You're not Uncle Charlie...

'cause Uncle Charlie is not liked.

He's liked, but not well liked.

There are so many people to thank.

First of all, my fabulous supporting cast... who gives a new meaning to the word support.

Bitch. Hag.

I hate her so much.

And a great big special thanks to my best pal, my rock... the head writer on The Sun Also Sets, Rose Schwartz.

Rosie, stand up, take a bow.

Thank you, everyone, and have a terrific evening.

See you on the television!

I'm home!

Adam?

Did you watch?

I won!

Yeah, well.

It's just as well you didn't come. You'd have been bored senseless.

And the reception! There were so many people.

I tried to get home as soon as I could.

But you know me, I didn't want to be rude to anybody.

First you have to say hi to all the executives.

Adam?

Then you have to say hi to all the executives' wives.

Celeste, it's Adam.

I'm at the airport. Good-bye, my darling.

It was beyond great, but I have to go back to Sarah and the kids.

It's like a chemical thing.

Hey, putz, I'll be off in a second!

I've left you the plants.

Please water them, and treat them as lovingly as you treated me.


You do want me, don't you, David? You know I do.

Then get rid of her! You think that's easy?

Give her Alzheimer's. Right. Rose is in the way.

Fire Rose. Not with Celeste protecting her.

God! Celeste, Celeste! Look... Grab those revisions.

I am 28 years old. I need this to happen now!

I am not a new face anymore.

She won her eighth Schmenky. Edmund's crazy about her.

You dump people when they're on top... before they lose their popularity and drag the show down with them.

Excuse me?

Look, I have a public. They write me letters.

"More Montana," they write. Look at these!

"Celeste Talbert is a menopausal hag.

Let's see more of Montana Moorehead."

What are you looking at?

Maria Randosie, Fort Lee, New Jersey.

Fort Lee! That's your audience. That's the heartland.

I'm aware of my demographics.

Are you?

I want her off the show worse than you.

You know why? Then it's my show.

Our show. A young show. A happening show.

Like Laguna Beach. Better than Laguna Beach.

Hotter. Sandier. Wetter. Saltier.

Why aren't we having sex yet?

You know the rules.

Get rid of her, Mr. Fuzzy is yours.

Gosh, she's cheap.

Ready, three! Go to three!

Ready, two... I mean one!

What is this, what is it?

I was so afraid you were gone.

Gone?

Darling, I could never leave you.

Ever.

That's a cut!

Next time wear a swimsuit underneath the towel.

It's a little early in the day for me.

I can't act in a swimsuit.

Celeste, pumpkin! Were you celebrating last night?

Your eyes look reddish.

We heard about Adam. It's so sad.

Breaking families apart is such a tragedy.

Anything you need, just call any time, day or night.

I don't deserve friends like you. I'm just too lucky!

David!

Hey, great scene with Bolt.

I realize I'm not a young woman... however, could you please... point out to our new costume designer, whose name I don't...

Tawny Miller. How do you do?

That I don't feel right in a turban!

What I feel like... is Gloria "Fucking" Swanson!

What am l, 70, David? Am I 70?

Why don't you put me in a walker? Buy a walker and put me in it!

You're fired. I'm just kidding.

Attention. No turbans for Miss Talbert.

Tawny.

Gloria Swanson is dead.

I don't mean dead in a sense, I mean actually dead!

I'm 42. I don't wanna be dressed like a dead woman. Understand?

Then maybe we'll be pals. Not good ones!

What is this, PBS?

Very good, very true. I love what you're doing.

I think we could try it one more time, and this time...

I don't know.

Maybe try one without your shirt.

Sure.

Will you be having wine with dinner?

We found our waiter.

Will you be having wine with dinner?

Will you be having wine with your dinner?

...from the South of France. No, I don't think I've seen you before.

That's why I slept so poorly last night.

For if I tell you, you'll say...

I'm making a big deal out of nothing.

Delivery.

I'll take it.

You can't go in there!

I'm Lori Craven, and I'm an actress.

An actress? Really! How nice for you.

I'm Betsy Faye Sharon, and I'm a bitch. Now get out.

Miss Sharon, I've got to get on this show.

I'm not asking for special treatment, just for a chance.

Yes?

Hi, Betsy. We need a new homeless now.

But good-looking homeless. This bunch is disgusting.

You could pick him up off the street. Come on!

Okay! All right!

When can you start? Open up!

Miss Talbert, for your approval... we have this for the beach scene.

What do you think of this?

Okay. Or I could line it. Or I have a black one. That's not good.

Okay, then for tomorrow's fight with Bolt, you'll wear this.

Okay. All right.

And then for when Blade accidentally shoots the contessa.

What do you think of this? Is this beautiful?

With your hair and eyes, this will look beautiful.

Okay. We can accessorize in the morning.

I had this idea.

How do you feel about a Tammy Faye Baker... kind of a thing, you know?

Not like the boots or crucifix or anything... but some eyelashes to bring your eyes out.

What?

Nothing.

All right...

Rose, don't hover. Come in or get out.

What are you doing?

Have you gone insane? Do you know the word is you're crazed today?

What's in your mouth? A cigarette.

I know. Why is it in your mouth? You don't smoke.

I do now!

Okay. Are you okay? You're fine?

Fine! Fine.

Adam went home to his wife.

Really? Oh!

When I got home last night, there was a message on the machine.

On the machine, Rose!

He's a dog.

He went home to Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh!

Does that tell you anything about my appeal?

Why were you going with somebody from Pittsburgh?

It was inevitable because I'm...

A home wrecker. A home wrecker and I'm old.

They put me in a turban, Rose.

They put me in a turban.

It's a plot. It is a plot. A plot!

David and Montana are plotting against me every day.

Those bastards. I can't do this.

You are right.

Why don't you please tell me to get off the show?

You're not going to eat that.

Then why did you order it? I don't know.

Then cover it up. I like them.

Cover the crawdad butts.

Stephen, please call wardrobe.

I was up half the night thinking of all these men, these losers.

All the way back to Jeffrey Anderson.

You went with him when you were a kid. You gotta get over this.

I'm gonna start eating with Montana. You driving me crazy.

I have to get off this show while I'm still alive.

Fine. I could write you out for six months. You could take a sabbatical.

Six months you'll be gone.

We'll say Maggie went to visit the Dalai Lama. Spiritual thing.

I thought the Dalai Lama moved to L.A.

Some other Lama then. It doesn't matter. Fernando Lama. Come on!

No! What would I do on a sabbatical?

This is all I know, this show.

It's so pathetic.

It's time... to take a big trip across the George Washington Bridge.

No.

It's a good idea.

It's a crutch.

It's a crutch!

We'll do it this one last time, okay?

All right, this once.

I'm ready. Are you? Yes.

Oh! Oh, look! Look, look!

Aren't you on that TV show? Oh, look!

You look so small. Is that her?

You're from The Sun Also Sets.

I want an autograph.

You look so pretty. Wait a minute!

I see you on TV every day.

Oh, what's her name?

Oh, tell me your name. Shut up. What's your name?

Celeste! Oh, that's you!

Give me that. Sign this for me. You have to wait for me.

Yes, to whom?

Latice. L-A-T-l-C-E. I can't believe it!

Your hair looks nice. You can leave now.

I can't believe it. Get in there.


Absolutely.

Renting cars to people? That's acting.

That's how I feel. That I'm performing.

The motivation's built in.

You could tell I had talent just by watching me lease a car?

It's that obvious.

My God, you have beautiful hands.

Hands say so much about a person.

As an actor, I'm very conscious of my hands.

When I play Willy, I feel as if I have salesmen's hands.

You are something up there.

I couldn't keep my eyes off of you.

I noticed you too. The girl in the brown uniform.

I think we're avoiding intimacy. My therapist says...

I've racked my brains for ideas to drive that bitch off the show!

I got it! We give her Bell's palsy.

Right! On the... On the...

What kind of moron are you?

It's a serious disfiguring disease.

David, do you remember what happened on Bold and the Brash... when they made Tiffany become incontinent?

Do you? Thousands of sympathy letters.

She became the bed wetters' celebrity spokesperson.

She hosted her own telethon.

Is that what we want, David?

We have got to get off the dime sexually because I'm losing it.

I would kill to have you on all fours.

Would you? Then you know what you have to do.

Make Maggie a murderess. Oh, a death!

Yes. It will turn the country against her.

It can't be one of the regulars. Not even Bolt?

No, Bolt's gold, especially with the impotency thing coming up.

One of the extras? One of the extras.

One of the homeless, David.

That's cruel. It's very cruel.

You do want me, don't you, David? In the weirdest way.

You're this close.

I've got to seriously review this relationship.

Ariel should be raped by Father Cory.

The contessa should be kidnapped by some colored guys.

Colored guys?

Can you bring us up to date before Edmund gets here?

Feel free to follow along.

Claude is determined to attend Steve's funeral... in a motorized wheelchair which he operates by blowing into a tube.

Meanwhile...

That's cute, but when are we gonna put someone in a coma?

Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range.

Very good, Rose.

Morning, Mr. Edwards.

We were going over some story lines and...

I would like to voice my strong concern... about this show's spiraling decline in ratings.

David, ever since you took us to the Caribbean... it's been Jamaica homeless people sucking soup... and the big wave outside that cost $100,000.

That's depressing and expensive. Two words I hate.

You know the words I like? I like "peppy" and "cheap."

I agree a thousand percent. Rose and I were just exploring...

No, we weren't. Yes, we were.

I also wanted to keep to the socially-relevant story lines... such as the homeless or oil spills or breast implants.

The point I'm trying to make is that quiz shows are beating us.

There's a lady cooking sausages almost tied us last week.

A guy at my tennis club said it should be called The Sun Also Sucks.

I don't like this gentleman.

I have been the head of daytime programming for a long, long time.

Maybe too long.

Don't be silly. You are daytime programming.

But I do know one thing.

When the ratings go down, you have to do something drastic.

The "D" word, David. Drastic.

Might I suggest... a murder.

A murder?

An accidental murder of one of the homeless.

Who would murder a homeless person?

Celeste?

Ultimately it's great for her.

She has a trial, gets let off. It's up. We want something up.

You're telling me you want her to murder some homeless person.

Relax. It's topical, and it has resonance.

Forget it. I'm not doing it.

Rose, how much are your condo payments?

I have worked with her for 15 years and written every word she uttered.

And I ain't writing nothing "garbagy" like that. Understand me?

What did Rose say? What did she say?

She loves it, but she's really tired so we'll flesh it out... and she'll polish it in the morning.

David, I don't think we have established Maggie... in the soup kitchen milieu.

Burton, she's in the milieu now. Give her a ladle. Case closed.

I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry. I was wrong, you were right.

Who dies?

Look at the hooters. We should kill that blonde one.

You can't kill a blonde woman. You'll drive half the men...

That's her.

She dies. Gimme a break.

She's got an angel's face. Celeste should kill her with that face?

You know why? Because it's powerful.

The young girl. She's beautiful, but she's deranged.

She's a powder keg. She's got a chemical imbalance. What is it?

Bipolar. The Bill Styron thing.

She's in the soup kitchen. Celeste is there. "You want some soup?"

But it clicks something off. She snaps. She pulls a knife out.

Excuse me, David.

Where does she get this knife? On her. Burton.

It can work.

She came in. I don't know who she is. Her name's Mavin, Slavin...

There's no agent. Find her!

What if she can't act? That never stopped us before.

What?

We make her mute. She doesn't speak, we don't have to pay her as much.

A homeless deaf-mute. What could be more pathetic?

God, I'm good.

Lori Craven?

This is your lucky... Day.

Here's what's gonna happen. You're starving.

You haven't eaten in years, so you smell the soup and get in line.

Your knees are shaking. Shake your knees.

A little less.

Perfect! Beautiful!

When the soup lady arrives, something inside of you snaps.

A crack-up. Exactly, exactly.

It's all gotten to you... the poverty, deprivation, peeing in the streets.

So you reach into your bag... and you grab the knife!

It's really big! It looks smaller on the screen.

You take the knife, and you lunge at the soup lady.

As you are mute, you cannot speak, so you grunt a little.

Okay? Try it.

Good.

Who do I lunge for?

You lunge for Maggie.

Miss Celeste Talbert. Going big time, kid.

Okay, boys and girls, we're going to tape this rehearsal.

And remember, poverty, depression... society's ills.

We are making a statement. Don't underline it, just make it.

Burton? I'm sorry.

Rose, can I talk to you outside? About what?

This Uncle Hugo thing and the will. I find it confusing.

You're confused?

The man was your uncle. He died. He didn't leave you shit.

You're upset. Period.

What about their history together? Was there always animosity?

Yes! Ever since you ran over the man's schnauzer.

I have my script outside.

I just wanna make some notes. Okay? Please.

I would think you were acting, but you've never been this good.

What? Here it comes.

David! David!

I'm so sorry.

I murder some homeless girl? Are you nuts?

Rose!

She was just here. Sweetie, it was an accident. She falls on the knife.

Then what? There's a great trial.

David, another trial?

There hasn't been a trial since '87. They wanted a death upstairs.

I'm not doing it! Well, okay.

Oh, my God.

It's nothing, just my...

Oh, my God!

Rub right here. Please, please!

I've got it!

Will you call Edmund and talk?

They're hot for a killing. They said that?

You have no idea the flak I'm getting from management.

I'm trying to shield you from it because I love you and it's my job.

But this time he laid down the law.

But we're not gonna do it. We're not?

I said "Celeste won't be a happy camper.

You can't make me do this to her! I love her!"

Maybe we should do it. No. It hurts me to hurt you.

I won't do it! This is not your decision to make.

This comes from upstairs.

We've gotta get up right now, get over there and do it!

Let's do it!

Places, everybody.

Tawny! Where the hell is that woman?

Places, everyone.

And three... two... one.

A little soup, it's so warming. You're so kind, miss.

Call me Maggie.

There we are. Please go in, and get out of the sun.

It's coming.

Here's yours.

And yours, my dear.

Some for you.

The one after this.

Lori?

Aunt Celeste.

That's a cut.

Did the mute speak? Lori, you're a mute. Don't speak.

I'm sorry.

Hi, Edward. I am so livid. I think Rose Schwartz should be...

We thought you'd feel that way. We love it too.

It's so good to see you!

Look at you! What are you doing here?

Well, I left college.

You left college.

You mean you left? You don't mean you left college?

You left it? No! No, that's not possible. No. Come on.

I'm so grateful for everything you've done.

Tuition. All the checks. How could I live without you?

Where are you staying?

At the Hotel Marmaduke. There's no such place.

Yes, there is.

We'll go there, get your stuff and then go to the airport.

Where are we going? You're going home.

I can't go home. I just got a job.

Taxi!

I want to act!

Don't say, "I want to act." Ever. Please!

May I have autograph? Yes! To whom?

I'm sorry, sir. Thanks anyway.

I can't shake it. It's all I ever think about.

Does Grandma know you're here? Yes. I told her yesterday.

You're too young to be in the city by yourself.

You were 16 when you came to New York.

You see me as a role model? You want to end up like me?

I need a cab!

I can't have it. I just can't have it!

Why does it have to be about you? What about me?

Please!

I didn't see you in the senior play, missing three days' work? Please!

I'm having a life here. But I love you.

I love you.

Who sent chocolates when you were sick and phoned you day and night?

I'm staying, Celeste. You're going.

Read my lips.

Don't say, "Read my lips." Really.

Are you serious? I'm very serious.

All right, if you're staying, you're staying with me.

It didn't work!

I'm not gonna let this work to her advantage. We need to be smart!

You know, you and I never exchanged our views about religion... never shared our childhood memories...

You wanna know about my childhood?

I had no friends. I wore too much makeup.

All the kids thought I was evil! Now look at me. Nurse Nan.

David, I cannot be the villain forever.

I'm sweet. I'm tender. I'm a victim!

Can you just... with the hair.

I need a cigarette.

I want Celeste to burn. So do I.

Especially if it will help bring us closer. I'm an optimist.

Do you want to hear about my childhood?

The actor that wrote you... the one Celeste had the affair with, the one she hated.

Jeffrey Anderson. She had him thrown off the show.

Bring him back!

Do you mind? Okay.Just checking.

He's probably selling something. Who knows where the hell he is?

He's in Florida.

Do you mind?

What is it about you? I can't put my finger on it.

You're not my type. I'm used to dating petite, waifish girls.

But I'm so drawn to you!

It's not just chemical. I believe it's spiritual.

I believe it too. Now, if you want to get to know the real me...

Find Jeffrey Anderson.

Hmm. Can I touch your breasts?

Find him!

Where'd you go?

I got on the road and went north to Providence.

Met the mayor. The mayor of Providence?

What did he say? The mayor.

The mayor of Providence. Who?

The mayor of Providence, Pop?

Yeah! The mayor of Providence.

Rhode Island!

Oh, waiter!

Waiter!

He was sitting in the hotel lobby.

Waiter? Waiter? What did he say?

"Good morning." I said, "You got a fine city here, Mayor."

Then... You're doing so well up there.

Then I had a cup of coffee...

Then I went to Boston.

Fine city, Boston. Then a couple of other towns in Mass.

Portland, Bangor and straight home!

What is he yelling?

You have a visitor, Mr. Loman.

Stop calling me Mr. Loman!

Hi, Jeffrey. David Barnes. Producer, Sun Also Sets.

I saw the show. Ah, no, no!

What?

No! Not tonight!

Jesus, God, they were awful!

I've seen dinner theater before. I know real talent when I see it.

What? I think you're one of a kind.

Can I buy you a drink? You look a little parched.

Yeah, yeah, thanks. Sure. The bar...

Change first.

I'll be right there.

What exactly would I be doing on the show?

We thought you'd return as the original character.

Rod Randall?

Here it is. Rod Randall returns as a world-famous doctor.

He's been studying in Europe.

I like it. Life and death issues. He's been abroad.

Vienna. Perfect.

It's kind of a continental, world weary kind of thing.

That's it.

I like it.

He's seen things in Europe.

European things. Sophisticated things.

Things of the world. Maybe an accent.

I'd stay away from accents.

The thing is, though, I got this idea for a one-man Hamlet.

I need time to develop that.

Come to New York. We'll set you up with a producer, do it off-Broadway.

My theory is that all the characters are Hamlet.

It's all happening in Hamlet's head.

So you only need one actor. Am I crazy?

No. That actually clears up a lot of stuff for me.

Back to The Sun Also Sets, which is the topic at hand.

Shortly after returning...

Dr. Rod Randall starts a torrid love affair... with Celeste Talbert.

Celeste Talbert?

She's the one who had me axed off the show 20 years ago.

I mean...

Celeste and l, we were just kids.

But... Excuse me. Still, we had something.

There was a... fire, passion.

No! She wanted to be a big star!

Nothing else mattered. Love. Nothing!

Look at this.

Talk about fame's fleeting chariot.

Gee whiz.

Jesus.

Boy, did that get screwed up!

But now, here you are out of the blue offering me... another chance.

A chance to be something.

Be somebody.

Get reacquainted with Celeste.

And wreck her life the way she wrecked mine!


New boy in town?

Just stepped off the choo-choo.

You have beautiful eyes.

They're nothing compared to my tits.

Come up and see me sometime.

Good morning.

Tawny. Hello, Miss Talbert.

Have you met my niece Lori? Yes, several times.

She's my new roommate. Good for you.

Why do you have to make such a production about it?

So I'm happy for one brief, flickering moment. Sue me.

Where are you going? Extras' room.

I have to get into my homeless rags.

Rod Randall is back from the dead? How dumb is this?

The man was killed in 1973 in an auto accident.

So he wasn't killed. He was maimed. We give him reconstructive surgery.

What are you talking about? The guy was decapitated. I looked it up.

He was on his way to the Yukon in a pink convertible... to see his brother who was an ex-con named Francis... when a tractor-trailer came along and decapitated him.

You know what that means. He doesn't have a head!

How am I supposed to write for a guy that doesn't have a head?

He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?

They froze the head, put it back on in a two-day operation.

Use your imagination.

He doesn't have a head!

Never mind, never mind. I will work this out myself.

I want you to help me understand making Celeste Montana's mother.

Did Celeste have her when she was five, six, seven? When?

Guess what. You'll work it out. You're a writer.

What is this horseshit? I'm Montana's mother?

Never! And you!

Oh, no, no, no.

I can't believe you'd write this. I didn't. He did it!

And you! And you! I was under orders.

So was Hitler!

I don't mean Hitler. I mean the other guy.

Hess. Eichmann.

Eichmann! Thank you. Eichmann. That's you.

Rod Randall comes back from Vienna? I fall in love with him?

And Montana turns out to be my daughter?

How in the name of God is that possible?

We haven't figured that out, but the dark secret's been torturing you.

David, you can't turn me into a grandmother. I still have my looks.

I think the romance with Rod balances that.

Who plays him? He's an actor's actor.

Oh, no, no.

You're not gonna stick me with that John Farbstein again... with the yellow teeth and the long nose hair.

I'm not getting in bed with him. Some people I don't get in bed with.

Sorry. I thought this was my dressing room.

Hello, Celeste.

Maybe I should've sent a memo.


No, Rod, this is not the time.

We must think of the poor deaf girl upstairs.

Good evening.

I'm Dr. Monica Demonico, the neurosurgeon assigned to this case.

You must be Dr. Rod Randall.

So good of you to come on such short notice.

The girl is going to be fine. I trained in Europe.

Really?

Maggie, I know we've had our differences in the past, but...

Maggie, I came as soon as I heard. I was at the gym.

Father Cory told me about your experience at the soup kitchen.

Are you all right? Bolt?

I didn't realize you'd be here.

Well, I am.

Rod, I'd like you to meet my husband Bolt.

Dr. Rad Rondall. Rod Randall.

He's an old friend of the family.

He's been studying on the Continent.

Hello, Mother.

I need a moment alone.


Maggie, I've thought about nothing except... what we once...

I'm sorry. I forgot the lines.

Can I do that again? Are we still rolling?

Ready when you are. I'm sorry. One more time.

We'll pick it up from the kiss.

Right.

I've thought about nothing, except what we once were.

How we...

Sorry. I just didn't feel anything. One more time?

I've thought about nothing except what we once were. We made magic.

That's a cut.

That one was good for me.

Special scene, sweetheart.

Don't you dare run away from me. That was unprofessional.

That was? What was that crock you were trying to pull on me?

I was trying to get the scene right. You know I'm a perfectionist.

Things are hard for me right now in life and on the show. Okay?

Things were hard for me 20 years ago when you left me for dead!

And you're back to return the favor? This is some kind of revenge thing?

Don't flatter yourself. I'm here for me!

I got a chance at a career, and I'm not gonna blow it!

David's going to help me produce my one-man Hamlet off-Broadway.

The world is going to rediscover a major talent.

You believe David?

Trying to get rid of me won't work. I won't go back to Florida.

You try playing Willy Loman in front of old farts eating meat loaf!

Chewing and slurping and spitting out their pits.

Every night listening to them coughing and hocking!

I was in hell! Consigned there by you!

What happened to your career was not my fault!

That's not how I see it. If I hurt you, I'm really sorry.

I was very young. Not anymore, babe.

What's your hurry anyway? Gotta get to the mall?

Give them my best in Paramus.

Oh, yummy!

With a spoon.

He's mine. You touch, you die.

I wouldn't dream of it. He's perfect for you.

Excuse me. Can I join you?

I'm Lori Craven, the homeless mute.

Of course. You speak beautifully for a mute.

Please. Thank you.

That was quite a scene with you and Celeste.

Thank you.

No, I meant after, after.

Oh, that. Well, there's a bit of history there, I'm afraid.

Yeah, she said you were on the show in the old days.

"The old days." Yes.

So long ago that we had cigarette commercials done by doctors.

Really?

Could I ask you a small favor? Anything.

Give my aunt a break.

Gladly. Who's your aunt?

Celeste is my aunt.

Celeste is your aunt? Yeah.

I know this is none of my business, but she feels threatened right now.

This place is crawling with subplots.

So you're her niece. The beautiful little mute.

I see the resemblance. Of course.

Determined little chin.

Exactly! And the hands.

More expressive than Celeste's. May I?

Hands say so much about a person. Don't you think?

Tell me about your family again, what they're like.

You know. I've told you. You trying to give me gas? Forget it.

Have you ever done anything really horrible to them?

Aside from naming my twins Venus and Saturn... which was grist for the mill for ten years?

Ten years! And my mother finally forgave me a year ago.

But she keeps bringing it up at public holidays.

I should be taken out and shot for what I've done to mine.

What are you talking about? You've been great to Lori.

You've written her, sent her presents.

What?

I don't know.

Why are you crying? I don't know!

Then quit it!

It's so great to have her here living with me for these two weeks.

To have her to talk to. We talk about anything.

Nothing. About the weather. What we're going to wear.

She's grown up so nice, don't you think?

She's gorgeous. She's such a lady.

I'm so lucky!

Oh, Jesus.

I'm going to get some flowers. Don't go.

What do you mean? Let me go. You're standing in the street.

All right. Don't worry about me.

What?

Tell the twins I love them.

Will you stop already?

You want roses or carnations?

Should give you poison ivy.

-It's Maggie from The Sun Also Sets! -Would you sign this?

You think I should take movement classes?

Absolutely important.

When I was in Death of a Salesman, for instance...

You did Death of a Salesman?

God! Playing...

Willy. What can I say?

I'm very impressed.

That sounds adolescent... It was in a nothing theater.

But all the time I was obsessed with my hands.

I made them feel like salesmen's hands.

Really?

You mean manicured or clumsy?

Exactly.

Hands that had written out all those invoices.

Hands that reach out for Howard... pleading for his job.

Am I going too fast? Just say so.

Jeffrey, I really like you.

You do?

Yes!

But the hand thing... it started to sound rehearsed.

Rehearsed?

Maybe I need new material.

I mean, talk. Like ourselves.

Would you like to have dinner? Yes.

With me? Just like that? Yeah, just like that.

Why is Jeffrey back? Rose, why is he back?

You've got to kill him off. Get him out of town. Give him a disease.

I can't. The boys upstairs are very happy about this.

Then I'll quit. Good idea.

Oh, you know I won't quit. Why do you say, "Good idea"?

I'm home! Hello! Hi, Rose.

Hi, honey. Did you have a nice evening?

He was very charming!

Who? -Jeffrey Anderson.

Didn't I tell you I was going out with him?

Oh, my God!

What is the matter? What's the matter?

What do you mean, what's the matter?

They went to dinner. So? He's not entitled to.

Oh, God! God! She's a big girl.

She can defend herself.

You know, to the outside eye, to the person... who doesn't know what a forgiving, wonderful person you can be... this could look like you're jealous.

How do your parents feel about you living in this cesspool?

They're dead.

Oh, it's okay.

My grandma raised me, and I've always had Aunt Celeste.

Aunt Celeste.

What?

I just have trouble imagining her related to anyone... you know, human.

-Celeste said to stay away from you. -Really? Why?

She said you were dangerous.

Really?

Are you, Dr. Randall?

Only when I operate.

Good evening. I have an appointment with Mr. Anderson.

Now? No, not now.

Tomorrow, actually. I was just in the neighborhood.

Thought I would double-check. He's in 11 -A?

2-D.

2-D. Of course.

I was confusing it with my shrink. He's in 11 -A.

Another building, of course.

So, thanks a lot.

And see you tomorrow.

Probably in the morning. Elevenish. You'll be here?

No, the day man will be on.

Of course. They can't work you 24 hours a day.

Thank you very much. I'll take good care of it.

Listen, I have something I have to say.

What?

When I first asked you out...

I did it to make Celeste jealous.

I knew that.

You did? But that's not the case anymore.

I genuinely like you. Good.

I really had fun hanging out. I like you a lot.

It was fun.

Good.

See you in surgery.


Jeffrey! Jeff!

Help me! Help!

You're kidding!

Jeffrey, please?

Knock it off!

I'm gonna call the police! Be quiet!

Oh, dear, now look what you've done.

I hope you're wearing underwear.

Dare I ask?

I'm lost? I'm not familiar with the neighborhood?

You've got a nice view of it from up here.

Here we go. I got you.

Here we are.

I got you, I got you. Okay.

My back! I got you. It's okay.

You sure that's why you're here?

Get your hands off my...

God, you're so disgusting!

Lori? Lori?

Lori, get your clothes on! Your aunt's here.

You lowlife, lecherous...

Lori!

She left ten minutes ago.

Don't insult my intelligence.

Shit!

Why are you here?

This is my apartment. I live here.

Why are you here?

I'll tell you why I'm here. Oh, I'll tell you why I'm here!

I'm here because...

Go on, say it. l... Go on, say it!

I want you, Jeffrey.

I'm consumed with jealousy for my niece because I want you for myself.

Oh, please! Admit you have feelings for me.

I have feelings about you, not for you. There's a big difference.

You're ashamed of them, but you still have the feelings.

You realize what a mistake it was throwing me out 110 years ago.

You're exactly the same. Even for an actor, you're an egomaniac!

Of course. I've got America's sweetheart climbing up my drainpipe!

I didn't know it was your drainpipe. I thought it was someone else's.

No, you knew it was mine. Your eyes, they're burning.

I've got the flu! No, they're burning with passion.

You're full of shit. Of course, but not about that!

There. I'm sorry. I had to do that.

Fine.

Stay away from my niece.

You'll be back! Like hell I will.

So, she's jealous of the mute? This'll kill her.

Yeah. This is great. Next line.

Got it. "Then Angelique says..."

Angelique's a mute, okay? Angelique grunts.

Yeah? Grunts? I don't know about...

Then stage direction.

Later. "Too weak to take another step, Angelique collapses.

Dr. Randall..." later... "Randall sweeps her into his arms... and kisses her passionately."

Close-up. Fade to commercial.

Go. Go! You know, this actually works.

Let me just get something straight.

Isn't Celeste Talbert Jeffrey Anderson's love interest?

Yes, but with the introduction of the youthful Angelique...

Lori Craven, we have created a triangle.

And that allows us to explore a contemporary theme... which is very close to Miss Talbert's heart... today's woman as she gets dried-up, old and sexually undesirable.

It works.

Aren't you supposed to be down there taping?

I'm not in the scene. Of course you're in the scene.

Maggie's gotta be there when they discover Angelique's brain tumor.

You paid for it. Rose, they told me I'm not in it.

It's a new scene. I'm not in it. A new scene?

I didn't write any new scene.

The only way she'll find her strength is if she tries.

And if she falls, we're here. What is this?

What are you doing? I didn't write this.

Dr. Randall, it's no secret what's going on here.

What is this? What are you doin' to me?

Where's the goddamn script?

Anyone can see it. You're falling in love with Angelique... deeply, wildly in love.

What about your Hippocratic oath?

I cannot stand by and let this happen. l, too, have an oath... a nurse's oath.

A nurse's... Oh, please. A nurse's oath?

You're out of line, Nurse Nan! Besides, Angelique can read lips.

Yes.

Don't!

Somebody help! Get off!

Celeste, will you... You're crazy. Get off me.

You can't kiss her! Don't you dare kiss that girl!

You're on television! Are you out of your mind?

Don't you dare! Get her off me! You're crazy!

You're nuts! Don't you dare kiss her.

You can never kiss her! Of course I can kiss her!

Oh, this is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!

No, you can't! You can't kiss her!

Why? Because she's your niece? No, you nitwit!

Because she's my daughter and your daughter.

What? What are you talking about?

We're her parents... you and I.

We're her mommy and her daddy.

It was our fourth date. Summer, 1970?

Shakespeare in the Park? The bottle of Chardonnay?

All's well that ends well.

We're still rolling? Yeah. Fabulous.

I got pregnant, and I was so young.

And the show made me sign a paper saying I'd never mention the baby.

So I went home to Iowa, and I had you.

And I gave you to Grandma to raise.

And I made up a twin sister, Simone, who died in a car wreck... said she was your actual mom.

And then the show told everyone I had T.B... and sent my character to a sanitarium in Tierra del Fuego.

Why can't I write shit like this?

After I came back from having Lori, I was terrible to you.

I know that. I know that. All right?

I blamed you for messing up my whole life... so I had you written off the show so you'd disappear.

And you did!

Now you're all back, and I've ruined three lives!

Three lives!

Me, America's sweetheart!

Oh, God!

This is fuckin' great.

Pumpkin.

Oh, God.

-Jeffrey. Stay away from me.


That worked nicely.

Thanks for the scoop. That was incredible.

Celeste was never more moving. She was brilliant. She stays.

I do know she's not gonna work with us.

Got a minute?

Mr. Barnes? Mr. Edwards...

Someone forget to tell me about the meeting? I guess so.

Mr. Edwards, what happened to Celeste was...

Brought on by a flagrant abuse of prescription drugs.

Exactly. Thank you. We've had this in the dark long enough, haven't we?

What? She'll be fired by the end of day.

Who said fired? He said.

We can't tolerate this behavior. Tolerate!

Could you tolerate the one billion dollars of free press... we're gonna get because of what happened down there today?

The phone's been ringing off the hook. We'll be on the evening news.

The tabloids are going to say "real-life soap opera."

Celeste is a bad-news buffet.

The people love her because she is and always will be queen of misery.

She's turned unstable, and we can't...

Unstable? I'm stable. Who wants to watch me on television?

Unstable is her talent. She's been through hell, and we're her family.

In a crisis, we must support her. Yeah.

We have to love her.

We have to care about her.

And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.

I think it's a damn miracle. I'd say "amen."

T.D.K. World Entertainment Network.

Now, an amazing day in the life of The Sun Also Sets.

Celeste Talbert, America's sweetheart, tells she's not sweet.

Don't you dare! Pin her wrists.

You can't kiss her! You can't ever kiss her!

God.

You can't ever kiss her! Of course I can kiss her!

I can kiss who I want!

Lori, give us a smile.

Lori, over here. Look over here.

Do it, Lori.

Come on back. Come on, Miss Craven.

Come on.

Pose. Yeah.

Lori, come on.

Do something. Come on.

Good. Yeah.

Could I have your autograph, Miss Talbert?

Thank you.

I was as shocked as you were.

I mean, I hope you don't think that I really would've...

I would've.

Yes, well. I mean, who wouldn't?

Luckily something held us back. Can you imagine?

Yes, I can. I did.

One more date, we would've had a Greek tragedy on our hands.

Lori, l...

My daughter, Lori. God!

I just wanna say that...

I know you must be feeling incredibly strong emotions now... but I would like it very much if the friendship we had... could phase... into a father /daughter arrangement.

Yeah. Not right away. You must hate me.

I don't hate you. I blame her. Good!

You had no idea. None!

Come in! It's open!

Great. Family reunion.

We should take out some pictures.

We can speak later, Lori.

Sweetie.

Nothing has happened that can't be made better.

Nothing has happened? You've been deceiving me for 20 years... in the most unbelievably calculated fashion, and nothing has happened?

God. You don't know how sorry I am.

I haven't slept a wink. Try sleeping pills.

Yeah. Well, that's a good idea.

I know I've been deceitful, but I had my reasons.

Maybe they were dumb reasons, but they were reasons.

Hell. I'm not a genius; I'm just a working actress.

I never said I was the best mother in the world.

Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone... who tried to love you the only way she knew how.

I know that speech.

You do? It was the Thanksgiving show... when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.

Oh, God.

Get out. Please try to understand.

I don't give a shit. No need to use that language.

Get out!

Now!

They love her. It's a phenomenon. This is a nightmare.

You promised me you would get rid of Celeste!

We were both naked, and you promised!

Naked! Hey, we were never naked.

We could've been!

Not only didn't you get rid of Celeste, you created Lori... this ingenue from hell!

She has more lines than I do, and she's a goddamn mute!

Whoa, whoa! Not anymore. Not anymore what?

Not any more lines? Not any more mute.

Word from upstairs. Next week, she recovers her voice and speaks again.

You're shitting me, right? She'll take over the show.

What can I say? You're enjoying this.

I'm not enjoying this. It's great for me. The ratings are flying.

Well, it ain't good for me!

We need to talk. Look, I don't care what Tawny Miller says... this hat makes me look like that goddamn Tweety Bird.

Do you mind?

You, you're asking me to leave?

That's right. I'm asking you to leave.

Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?

No problem.

I'm a professional.

I do things professionally.

I hate you! I hate you, you pig!

She's got a lot of spirit. She's a deranged bitch.

I couldn't agree more. About the hat...

I have been very patient, God.

This is my moment. I have to seize it.

I know you'll understand.

Can I talk to you? No. I'm going to work.

It's about Lori. I don't expect you to be nice to me.

I don't expect you to forgive me. What I did was horrible.

Dinner theater is horrible. Doing hemorrhoid commercials is horrible.

-There are not words for your deeds. -But this isn't about me.

What's it about? It's about Lori.

You have to talk to her. She won't talk to me.

She'll talk to you. She needs you, Jeffrey.

You're her father. I can't be in the same room.

I don't know how to be a father. I don't know how to behave!

Sure you do. What would I do? What would I say?

You go to her door and knock on it.

And say what? Say, "Hi, Lori. It's your dad."

I can't do that! Do it! Try it!

Lori, open up. It's your dad.

Don't do it like that. Use your real voice.

Hi, Lori. It's your dad. Yes.

Felt good. Now what? Yes.

You step in the room, and you say...

"I know I haven't been here for you before... but I am your father, and I'm here for you now."

I know I haven't been here for you before... but I am your father, and I'm here for you now.

Yes. Yes. Now what?

And then cross to her, put your arm around her... hold her... yes.

The rocking is great. Keep the rocking.

And then say, "Everything will be okay."

Everything will be okay.

Really?

Did you believe it? Yes.

Then it will.

Hi, guys.

Excuse me for a second. This is kind of important.

I am such a ninny. I left my scarf at your place the other night.

Could you bring it in tomorrow?

What? I was right.

You'll be a superb father. Wait a minute.

You don't actually believe that I slept with her?

I think you'd sleep with anybody, but, God, Montana?

I feel nauseous. You wanna believe it, believe it.

It's none of your business anyhow. Just get out of my life!

Wait one minute. This is my life. You get out.

I'm going nowhere, babe. Get used to it.

Ready on two. Take three.

I mean two.

Dear Angelique.

Dear Angelique.

Dear Angelique. I produce a soap opera.

David, look.

She's shitting all over Celeste. I know. It's very exciting.

...inspires us all.

That's a cut. For Christ's sake!

I can't believe I'm having to put up with this.

Goddamn it. Don't think of it. Excuse me, Miss Talbert.

You and Jeffrey Anderson? It's something I couldn't hide.

It was important for me to come forward.

Important as an actress... as a woman and as a personality.

Have you got a light? I don't.

I need a light. Why won't anyone give me a light?

There you are. Rose! Rose, are you talking to me?

Are you talking to me? Yeah, yeah.

Have you got a light? Yeah.

I guess I deserve this pain. What am I doing?

I guess it's God's will. I don't know how long I can take it.

Show after show after show, and...

That pig. Which one?

Bitch. It's horseshit!

What else are you gonna say? Listen to me.

Please, will you just hear me out? No! You're disgusting.

You run around with your fly open like a...

Eww! You are my father! For God's sake, will you act like it?

I'm not surprised. Montana is desperate for publicity.

You're not surprised. I'm surprised.

I feel that I should be a part of this.

Oh, God. Great.

You people have the morals of guinea pigs.

How could you?

You? Moralizing? Please!

Hasn't she been through enough? Don't you dare take my side.

How could you do that to her? I never touched Montana Moorehead.

But if you don't believe me, don't. I don't care.

My career has suffered other slings and arrows, and you know what?

I survived them. I'll survive this too.

You know what I'll do? I'll take my Hamlet up to Canada.

They always loved me in Canada. What an awful picture! Jesus!

I've never worked in an atmosphere like this before.

This pregnancy thing is a scam. I resent being treated like a leper.

Having to work with those two is a personal nightmare for me.

I'm on the verge of a breakdown. I'm on the verge of a breakdown.

I could have a breakdown. Imagine facing them every day.

It seems to get harder and harder, and I devoted my life to this show.

Mr. Edwards, it's them or me.

That is the bottom line here. They go, or I go.

This is the toughest decision I've ever had to make... but I get paid 1 .2 million dollars to make these kind of decisions... so here it is.

Yeah?

Dr. Demonico? Can we talk?

...and airs this weekend, so check your local listings.

Now, the real-life soap opera that has been The Sun Also Sets... will come to a unique climax as today's live broadcast... reveals whether Celeste Talbert, Lori Craven or Jeffrey Anderson... will remain on the show.

You mean to say that even the actors themselves don't know the outcome?

That's correct. As they read their lines off the TelePrompter...

You've worked with these... they will learn their fate.

Given the incredible interest in the outcome of this broadcast...

This will be the highest-rated show in daytime history... we figure that our viewers deserve the utmost spontaneity.


Hello, David. Sit down.

We'll play tennis this weekend. You'll come to my country club.

You never been there, right? It's a nice place.

Great, great.

And in three, two, one...

And in.

Would you be having wine with your dinner?

She'll have a Diet Pepsi.

I'll have a dry sherry.

Hold those. I can't wear 'em. I think you'll need them.

They're ugly! You're on.

Go, go, go!

Oh, my God. This guy's as blind as a bat.

Dr. Randall, what a surprise. Are you having lunch here?

Well, I will if it's that simple.

I wish it was that simple.

This guy never heard of contact lenses?

The test results have come back. And?

And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing.

It seems that Angelique has a rare case... of brake fluid.

Bran fluid. Bran flavor. Brain fever.

Brain fever. Say it!

Brain fever. Yes.

Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria...

At the current rate of inflation... her brain will laterally explore the...

Literally explode. Exactly.

Within the next three houses. Hours.

Yes. It will literally explode within the next three hours.

I would suggest leaving the restraint.

The restaurant. Restaurant.

Yes.

Her brain will actually explode?

Yes. I've seen it happen.

It's a dreadful... It's a dreadful, dreadful thug.

Thing.

And afterwards...

I'm sorry, Angelique. I really am.

I hope it's not too painful.

She's trying to say something.

She is? Yes, she is.

What's she saying? "Can't anything be done?"

Can't anything be done? Yes. Cold compresses?

No, I'm sorry. They don't work with Kopfgeschlagen.

Miracle drugs?

Nurse Nan! I came as soon as I heard the news.

There's a nurse in the restaurant. Did I miss a meeting?

I don't believe this. I don't believe this.

What about a brain transplant?

A brain transplant?

Yes! A brain transplant!

But it's far too late to find a suitable donor.

I'm the donor. Take my brain.

I want to do it. She can't die.

You both could die. That won't happen while I'm here.

It's impossible. I haven't any tools.

Voila. Well done.

Dr. Rod? Yes?

I insist that we proceed immediately.

But you need to sign a release. I did.

You did not! When? I did too! Weeks ago.

I never saw it. On your desk.

I don't think you realize how serious this operation is.

It's very serious. You will not have a brain when it is complete.

I don't want my brain. I don't need it. Take the goddamn thing.

It's gone.

All right, everyone! Clear the restaurant!

They're ad-libbing, David. I never heard these words.

This is not in the script. Get David.

It's busy. Try it again.

Wait, wait. It's not bad. Let me look.

This is for the best.

Follow them.

Clear the way right away!

Nurse Nan, up here. Sterilize the area.

Where do you want me?

Trust me. I've performed this before... in worse circumstances than this.

Prepare the brain saw. At last! Drama!

There was a time when I would've performed this with my bare hands.

I know it. But now...

What?

You're really positive about this?

It's a lot to give up. I want to.

It's a relief.

Very well.

Prepare the ether.

Good night, sweet princess.


Saw.

Mother! No! I can't let you do this!

She spoke. She spoke!

Sudden speech... the last stages of brain fever.

She could blow at any moment. I could always speak.

Mother... She's my mother.

Montana, shut up! Now this is a show.

We gotta stop this right now.

It's hypnotic. It's like a truth serum.

Celeste, don't leave the show. I can't live with that.

You either, Dad.

Dad? Dad.

Dad. Yes.

Shortly before I left Vienna, l... -Jeffrey, give it a rest.

What are you saying? That you might want us for real in life?

I think so. You do?

Yeah.

But here's what I don't want.

I don't want any more lying.

I don't want any pretending... or deception of any kind.

And I need some time.

Can you understand? Completely.

Wait! Wait!

But I'm carrying his child.

I didn't sleep with her!

Will somebody please believe me!

This is what I meant.

This is what I told them to do. This is soap opera.

Doctor! A second opinion.

This is Dr. Franz Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.

Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigation...

I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible... for you to have impregnated your nurse, Montana Moorehead... because before she came to our little clinic... she was...

Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island.

Hello.

She's a boy.

Yeah, well, we knew that.

Are you all right? I'm fine.

I'm just gonna go congratulate the others.

I'll see ya.

She's a boy.

I think I've said it all, don't you? Bye-bye.

Dr. Randall. Yes?

I wish to apologize for any insinuation I might've made... about you and Nurse Nan.

I told you. Well, I'm apologizing.

Thank you.

The best supporting actress in a daytime drama award goes to...

Lori Craven.


If I could just get you right here. A few words for your fans at home.

Another big night for you, David Seton Barnes... winner of this year's Johnny Hockard's Humanitarian Award.

I know. I mean, what a magical year.

It's hard for me to take credit. The whole thing just snowballed.

Well, you're certainly the man of the hour. Congratulations to you.

It all makes for a storybook ending to a rather tumultuous year... for the cast here at The Sun Also Sets... a show in which life not only imitated art, it topped it.