Some Freaks (2016) Script

Hey!

Sorry.

Hey!

Fucking give it to me, please!

Just let us see it.

No!

Come on, just let us see it.

Give it to me!

Okay okay okay, fine, fine.

Not them, just me.

Dude, come on, cut it out.

I won't take a picture, I swear, see?

Jeremy!

Phone's away, just let me see it.

Everyone is gonna see.

Hold on.

We're negotiating.

Seriously man, just stop being assholes.

Come on, this is stupid.

Let go!


No no no, I got it.

Take what's-his-face, the Korean kid, fucking kwong wah kow or one of those horrible names or something. - Dude, his parents are loaded, I should be so lucky.

They probably pick me up in a hot tub rollover or something.

The kid in pe,.

His would warp the corsage.

Oh come on, it'd be your good deed for the year.

Pull a Christine and have all the kids vote for him for prom king.

Dude, the movie's Carrie, dipshit.

No no no, hold on, i got it, I totally got it.

You know who you should go with?

Yeah, who?

Cyclops.

Oh my god, you're so fucked.

Watch him show up with a parrot and a peg leg.

He's right there.

So go ask him.

No!

Come on, now's your chance, go on.

Fine, fine, I'll do it.

Hey.

Hey you.

What's his name?

Mike?

Hey, hey Mike!

Hey!

Shut up!

Jesus, come on.

Where are you going?

This is ridiculous.

We're awful.


Hey eyeball!

There's something to your right!

Just kidding.

Careful, watch your, nah, just kidding.

Goddammit Matt, would you stop fucking walking already?

Get in the goddamn car.

Hurry up, come on.

Dude, so I got this new game.

Open world, sandbox kind of game.

I dunno, it doesn't even have a name yet, that's how new it is.

My aunt grabbed this advanced beta testing copy in la, oh yeah, she's staying with us by the way.

You'll meet her, she's cool.

Anyway, it's nuts!

Anywhere you wanna go, you can go, anything you wanna do, you can do.

You can steal jets.

No, you can't just, yeah, that's why they got a joint account, douchebag because it's both of ours, you can't, yes, yes I did, every paycheck!

Yeah, and if I don't see every penny returned by Friday i will stick my lawyer in your ass so fast it'll make your fucking head explode!

Hey!

Hey, can you go get hunter please, he's in his crib!

Wait wait wait wait wait, hold on.

What do you mean until i give back the ring?

I gave back the ring.

Yes.

Yes I did, when you were here!

I got you.

Are you high or just retarded?

Yeah, yeah, that's what i thought, that's what I thought.

Mr. Cahill is out sick, but he has left me instructions to have you work on group projects.

Today you will be dissecting fetal pigs.

If you do not feel comfortable dissecting the actual animals, there are computers set up on the side of the room that will take you through the virtual process.

Okay, split up into groups of two and you can find your specimens on the back table.

Okay, so it says here we need to insert the blade through the body on one side of the umbilical cord and cut posteriorly to the base of the leg.

What do you say, you wanna do the honors?

Okay, I'll do it.

Who's getting hungry?

That was a joke.

Well, I mean...

I'm a vegetarian, but it's also because of the whole animal rights thing more than just 'cause I got a waistband the size of a low-flying blimp.

That was a joke too.

Kinda.

Okay, never mind.

Extend a single cut along the midline of the ventricular surface of the animal to about two centimeters from the chain, cut completely through the how-to, okay, what is this, rocket science?

All right.

Hey, what's going on?

I wanna suck off Justin langsey.

Who?

Number six.

He's so clumsy, I love it.

I just wanna yank down those little black shorts of his and suck his dick.

Okay, all right.

But he's got a small dick, you know?

You don't believe me about this, but I've got a sixth sense about these kinds of things, i do, seriously.

I believe you.

I bet it is the size of a dry erase marker.

Okay, do you wanna just get out of here?

I don't care you know, I'd suck it anyway.

Probably make it easier.

Hello?

God he's beautiful.

Hey, you done?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go.

So the kid is just standing there with his harmonica in his mouth.

Right.

And his dad's on his shoulders with a noose around his neck-- oh shit, I gotta introduce you to Jill, hold on.

Jill!

Basically he's just left to stand there until, basically until he passes out.

Jill!

And his dad hangs to death, it's insane, it's such a great, great shot, I'll have to show it to you sometime.

Yeah.

Wait, how does he play the harmonica if hes's-- he's not playing the harmonica.

Jill!

It's like, it's just like a simple-- she must've gone out.

You wanna play video games?

Fuck.

Shit.

So there was this new girl in bio today.

Oh yeah?

Is she cute?

Is she cute, you gonna ask her out?

You gonna break some hearts?

Pfft.

What pfft, what do you say it like that for?

Come on.

You are a handsome--

I just mean-- you're a handsome goddamn dude, seriously, I mean it, you got this whole monocular man thing going on, total secret agent, total Nick fury, Nick fucking fury man, except in the comic books, not in the movie, you're not Samuel l. Jackson, you're not bald.

Or black.

But dude, she is the size of a house.

I mean she should save time and shove me in a trash compactor.

This girl would crush me.

No no no, she's not too fat.

Yeah she is.

She's not that fat.

Just four feet too short, fuck.

What?

What do fat women and mopeds have in common?

I don't know.

They're both to fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on either one.

Right?

Okay, I have one.

Okay.

How do you find a fat girl's vagina?

How?

You flip through the folds until you smell crap.

Then you go back one.

Where did you even hear that?

I don't know, it was on the Internet or something.

Hey where were you, we were looking all over for you.

Oh yeah, Matt, Jill, Jill, Matt.

Hey.

Is anyone sitting here?

So you're elmo's aunt?

I mean that's pretty weird right?

How does that even happen?

His mom is my sister and my dad's his grandpa.

What, do you want me to draw you a family tree?

No, no, I just...

I don't know, 'cause i mean my sister and I, we're like, I don't know, I was just trying-- you was just trying to make some weird roundabout apology for hurting my feelings the other day.

What-- which is fucking lame by the way.

You can do that with a fucking fat joke, ugh.

So you clearly wanna make amends or pacify your conscience or weasel me into bed or whatever the fuck it is that you're trying to do, - wait, what?

So why don't you just get it over with?

"I'm sorry"?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Do you mean it?

Yeah.

Great.

We can be friends again, take a seat.

So how long have you known--

you know what?

This isn't really doing it for me.

You wanna get out of here and eat someplace else?

Sure.

I'll call elmo.

Okay.

Where are we?

Yeah, where the fuck are we going man, come on.

No, it's going, we're going to this cool cafe, bar, diner type, I don't know what it is, but there is a bar inside, we don't have to be 21.

I used to go there all the time with my sister, they've got great food, great corned beef hash.

I mean they have salads and stuff too, so you're all set.

Dude, did you just call me fat?

What?

What the fuck dude?

No, 'cause in class you said that thing about being a vegetarian, so I just thought...

No no no no, hey, I didn't-- you're an insensitive motherfucker.

I didn't mean anything by it.

Hey, hey, I'm really, goddammit.

Why don't you go for a walk, okay?

Take a minute.

I, I wasn't trying-- why don't you just tell her to go on a diet or something, huh?

I didn't mean, that's not what I meant at all, goddammit.

What if she said something about your eye, huh?

What if she said something about your eye?

Would you be okay with that? - I don't care, ooooh shit.

We got you!

Nice!

That was so good!

I wish you've could've seen your face.

Oh yeah, that was good.

Did you see his face?

You literally looked like I was about to shoot your fucking puppy, man. - That's not fucking funny.

Come on, I was just fucking with you, dude!

Do I look like a salad type of girl to you?

I have my own fucking zip code, man.

I don't know.

Oh, that reminds me of a joke.

What do fat women and mopeds have in common?

Elmo already told me that joke.

Oh fuck you, you fucking thief.

What do you mean fucking thief, it's a good joke.

No, it's a shitty goddamn joke, but it's my joke.

You can't take ownership of a joke, it's everyone's joke.

Whatever.

That's how jokes work.

So what about you then?

I think it's gonna be great.

Can you get behind that?

Just, I don't have road rage, okay?

People that have road rage do things that are unnecessary, I yell when it's necessary.

Yeah, I'm telling you you still have to be the bigger person in that situation.

Be the bigger, have you looked at me?

I'm never the bigger person.

Never, I've known him for a very long time.

Okay, all right, all right.

Oh shit, I gotta go.

Look out, look out.

What are you doing?

My mother just texted me, I gotta go.

I forgot, I promised her. - Where are you going?

I gotta go make lobster triangles with her for some benefit.

Lobster triangles?

Kids with aids thing, whatever.

Hey, can you drive him home?

Yeah, I can.

Great, okay cool, I'll see you guys later, bye.

See ya.

I'm about, oh.

He's funny.

Yeah.


Can I have a drag?

Sure.

Nice place.

Yeah, it's okay.

Just saying.

So...

What?

I got so much homework to do.

Huh?

Got that calc test tomorrow.

Right, calc test.

But thanks for the ride.

Yeah, sure.

Goodbye.

Bye.


Hey.

Shh shh.

You weaselly motherfucker.

Did you have your book club tonight?

Yeah, where were you?

You were supposed to watch him, I got home at the end of a double expecting to drop him off.

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.

God, this kid came in right at the end of my shift.

Decided to blow his head off with his father's shotgun.

Chickened out at the last minute trying to split the difference and instead lost his jaw, it's a fucking mess.

I know, I'm so sorry, just some stuff came up.

Did you end up skipping the meeting?

Nah, I took him.

Screamed his head off half the night, but it was a horror novel, so whatever.

Yeah, how was it?

Oh are you kidding me?

It was shit, they're all shit, but whatever, they're fun.

Good.

Hey, can I ask you something, and just promise not to... - You shut up.

What?

Shut up, what?

Make fun of me or whatever?

Come on, when I have i ever made fun of you?

Like all the time?

Right, but lovingly.

So what is it?

What's the question?

Hello!

Okay, it's stupid, no, just, sorry, forget it, never mind.

All right, how...

How do you tell if a girl likes you?


So basically they just go over the lake and then I just shoot them with my twin Gauge.

I'm kinda scared of you right now.

Oh my gosh!

I'm just saying, I'm just saying, it's like-- oh come on, it's really fun.

It's like basically just--

I kinda wanna, oh!

Whoa, what the fuck?

Watch where you're going, you fat...

I'm sorry, do you have something you wanna say to me?

No, it's too easy.

You have a beautiful day.

Sorry about that, i don't know what's going on, they're not normally like that.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure they are.

Oh hey, I see someone's in ap English.

I love this book, have you actually got to the part where Sally tells Phillip that she's pregnant right before he's about to-- thanks for your help!

Ow!

Hey.

Fuck.

What's going on?

Nothing, just waiting.

Yeah, for Jill?

No.

Really, 'cause it's her car right here.

I mean well it's my mom's car, but she's borrowing it.

Is it?

Yeah, yeah.

Didn't she give you a ride last night?

Oh yeah, yeah, no, she did.

That's kinda weird, you don't remember the...

I guess I forgot.

Forgot, that's seems weird.

Anyway, check this out.

Folks are going to Norway on a bit of a buying trip, but what the hell, might as well throw a while they're down there.

Oh.

Neat.

When is it?

Next month, during the regular prom-type prom.

Okay.

Yeah, I talked to tonic, we're gonna get three kegs, have some pizza, dance around, play some games that don't suck, whatever, yeah, should be a pretty good time, but you should come.

What am I saying, of course you're gonna come, what else do you have to do?

Sit around your house having no depth perception or whatever?

Come on.

Hey, how far's my hand?

How far's my hand? - Stop it.

How far's my hand?

Fuck you, man.

Anyway, I'm gonna go to kinko's and make some copies, and I need you to come with me, all right?

So let's go, let's go, come on.

Hey, I really can't...

Oh hey, what's going on?

What's happening?

Trying to get one-eyed Willy here to go to kinko's for copies.

Mmm-mmm, sorry.

Did you tell him about our project?

What?

What project?

Wait, you really didn't tell?

We, this is so funny.

Yeah, no, we have a thing.

We have to go to the beach and collect 20 different types of shells for this thing or whatever.

Yeah, but you didn't tell him?

You have to go to the beach to collect shells in the winter?

I know, right?

What the hell is wrong with the teachers here, right?

We're all of a sudden in the third grade, man?

It's like no, you won't weasel out of this, I am not doing this shit on my own, I'm savvy like a motherfucking toothpick, so let's go.

Okay.

Yeah, no, I mean I'm good to go too.

We'll see you at the house.

I'll call you.

I'll just see you, I'll see you tonight at the house.

Well give me an hour, i can do the shells thing.

Yeah, I'll see you later, bye!

Okay, well let me know where you're going 'cause I can meet you later if you want to, right?

You didn't have to do that, you know.

I'm sorry, I just...

I get to see him all the time, I hang out with him every day, and he's great, he's great, I just know him so well.

I want to get to know you.

More than I do now.

Is that weird?

Hey, are we going to the beach right now?

To collect shells?

No, fuck that.

What am I, a personal ad?

No, let's go to the dump.


Anti-prom?

That's wicked cool.

Thank you.

Yeah, you did this all by yourself?

Yeah, yeah yeah.

God, you're really talented, that's cool.

You go to Ben frank?

Yeah.

Oh my god, me too, i mean I went there.

How much is it, by the way?

It's pretty brutal.

Yeah.

Hey, so where is it?

The party?

It's in laramie.

So yeah, you should come.

Excuse me?

It's like shit, you fucking faggots, man.

It's unbelievable, really, seriously.

Bye.

Bye.


Hi, hey, is Matt right there?

I just, I have his phone, i wanted to return it to him.

I'm sorry, who are you looking for?

Hey Jill!

I just need the restroom quick, just stay here for a second.

How old is she?

It's a he.

All right.

Okay.

Yeah.

Shut that behind you.

Yeah.


Is this your idea?

Oh, no, it was like that when we moved in.

I just never got around to changing it.


You play?

No, I used to, but my hands are clumsy.

Can't really keep a beat either.

My mom got it for me right after the whole eye thing.

I guess she thought 'cause my vision was messed up that i should focus on something auditory or whatever, but yeah, never got past chopsticks.

You sing, Matt?

No.

You never sang before?

I mean I'm not a good singer.

Will you sing with me?

I don't know it.

Come on, okay.

We'll start with something easy.

Right?

Chorus is...

Think you can do that part?


You're kind of amazing.

Yeah.


Okay.

I won't lie to you if you don't lie to me.

How's that sound?

Just be real with me.

Shake on it?


Oh god.

All right.

Oh shit.


How was it?

Like, you mean like how did it-- like was it okay, or...

I don't know, you tell me.

Oh god.

Jesus.

Have you done that before?

Oh, sorry, don't answer that, that's stupid.

Well I should probably get going, so...

Hey, I just, can i ask you something?

Sure, yeah.

You can totally say no if you want, there's no pressure.

What is it?

Do you wanna go to prom with me?


Are you wearing makeup?

No.

Chicks walking around with paint slathered on their faces, they look like fucking oompa loompas.

Seriously.

Why, do you care?

Oh no, I just thought most girls did is all.

Well I'm not most girls.

What the?

Oh no fucking way, dude!

Are you okay?

Oh shit.

Maybe I can get some...

Can try and find some shoes around here somewhere.

Wanna go to elmo's thing?

You mean do i wanna play cleanup crew for party of the year?

Nah.

Yeah, me neither.

So what should we do then?


Who did you imagine yourself ending up with?

What do you mean?

You know, when you lie around and think about girls or whatever.

What do you think she'd be like?

Is she anything like me?

Honestly?

I just spent so much time trying to get through each day.

Girls never really crossed my mind.

I know that sounds so pathetic, but...

What about you, what'd you think of me?

Of you?

You can be honest you know, I don't care, I'm just curious.

I...

I thought you were handsome.

Can I see it?


Sorry.

Check it out.

Cyclops has a lady.

If ever there were two people who shouldn't be allowed to procreate.

Maybe they're free.

Right?

Fuck it, models don't need to talk.

Talking to you.

What happened?

Okay, so you know that list they posted in the hallway, the one on the school list, which schools people have gotten into?

Yeah.

Okay, well Justin langsey got into pilgrim mass.

Oh yeah, that's the school you're going to right?

I mean at first I was like I'll think about it, but now I'm like fuck yeah, why not right?

But that's not even the best part.

That's not even the best part.

I'm standing there and I'm scanning the list and all of a sudden Justin comes up and he looks at the list, so I point to my name and I go hey, looks like we're going to the same school.

All right.

Smooth.

Right, right?

Okay, so then he says nice, I'll see you there, right?

Like he wants to hang out, he thinks it's nice or something, you know what I mean?

It's something.

You know who I'm talking about, Jill?

Number six, basketball team, the nice ass?

Yeah, we know.

Oh my god, the things i wanna do to that ass.

We know.

I wish I could tell you, I mean I've told you, but oh god, I actually, and this is great, I had a dream the other night that he came on my face-- would you shut the fuck up?

What?

I just don't wanna hear about it is all.

What are you talking about?

I get that you wanna have sex with Justin, and that's great, but I don't know why I hear about ever single fucking detail.

'Cause it's guy talk.

What?

I mean we're guys, we're talking, I mean you tell me about the girls.

No, I don't though, when do I do that?

Right, you could if you wanted to, and I would listen to you right because that's how it goes, that's what friendship is, we talk, that's what it is, I'd listen.

All right, okay, yeah yeah, you're in love with a homophobic asshole!

Yeah, well you're in love with a fucking slut.

What?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Since when was I in this fight?

Hold on, did she ever tell you?

She ever really told you why she got shipped across the country?

Has she really gone into it, huh?

Can we not do this right now?

Jill, I'm sorry, has she ever gone into it?

All the 40 year old fucking men, skeezy, middle-aged dudes that just wanna fuck some big-titted teenager.

Fuck you!

Seriously!

And they still call her too, you know that?

From 3,000 miles away, and you know why?

You're a piece of shit.

'Cause they know that she's just that desperate.

Fuck you!

Hey guys, stop, come on!

Come on!

Soon as my parents get back from Norway, I am telling them everything you've been up to.

Running around, leaving class to fuck this.

They're gonna have you back on a plane home so fuck it'll make your fucking head spin.

Fucking idiot!

He's right you know.

What do you mean, about what?

I mean if I don't go home now, I have to go home eventually.

Why?

My stuff's there, my friends are there.

Your friends?

I got into school there.

Wait, what?

When were you gonna tell me?

Dad called today.

The plane leaves Friday.

I mean what about graduation, you're just gonna, just not gonna go?

I can't.

I mean what the fuck?

I mean wow.

Okay.

So what, I mean now what do we do?

Realistically or ideally because I mean in a perfect world I want you to move out there with me and just pack your shit and grab a plane ticket, but you wouldn't do that, that's crazy, so I don't know.

I don't know.

Okay.

Let's do it.

Do what?

Let's go, I wanna move with you.

Wait, are you serious?

Yeah.

No.

You wanna move?

You'd do that for me?

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I would.

Come on, let's just go.

Why not?

Better hurry.

Jill?

That girl you met a couple months ago, that Jill?

It was 12 weeks ago, so that's three months.

Oh excuse me, three months, that's a lifetime.

Yup, I'm going.

Yeah, it certainly looks that way doesn't it?

Mmmhm, we're going this Friday and that's it, so if you have anything to say you can just keep it to yourself.

So this, you're just gonna, hey, this, you're just gonna skip it?

One of the most important days of your life and you're just gonna flat out-- yeah, I met someone, okay?

I met a girl that actually likes me.

You'll meet others!

Someone who makes my heart feel like I'm not alone in this world, who makes me feel like i matter, like I'm sexy.

Yeah, I know that sounds fucking stupid to you, okay, but it's true!

Fuck it!

Okay, I'm going, and you can't stop me.

You're in love with this girl?

Go for it.

Haul anchor, head across the country.

No plan, no money, no safety net.

That's what I did when mom died.

I'd be a hypocrite if I told you not to.

Quick question for you, how are you gonna pay for rent when you're out there?

First, last month's rent, security deposit, transportation?

I'll get a job.

Oh, of course.

I'm sure that you will, the economy's just kicking.

Just leave me alone, okay, please.

Just on the off chance you don't, what are you gonna do then?

Just get the fuck out of here!

Jesus.

Goddammit.


Oh my god, i can't wait to see you, it's been so frigging long, I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't get to fuck you soon.

Yeah, no, I'm looking forward to that too.

I hope so because I've got a special surprise for you when you get here.

Oh yeah?

What is it?

If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, dummy.

Trust me, you'll like it.

Okay.

What about you?

Bringing anything for me?

I don't know, maybe.

So are we just gonna ignore the fact that you've got a second eye now, or...

I kept waiting for you to ask about it.

I mean I didn't wanna just bring it, I mean it seems like it'd be rude.

No.

So what, was it surgery or...

No no no no, it's just a prosthetic.

Oh, so like glass?

Plastic acrylic is what they call it.

Cool.

I mean how does it look?

No, yeah, no, it looks, yeah, it's good.

Yeah, it's cool.

Good.

So how long you gonna be gone for?

Just a week.

This is part one of our two part plan, so...

What's part two?

To move out there.

All right, well thanks for the ride.

Hey man, have a safe trip.

Okay.

See ya.

Hey Matt, wait a minute.

Hmm?

When you see Jill...

Tell her I'm sorry?


Hey stranger.

Surprise.


So I'm liking the new look.

Is it glass?

Plastic acrylic.

Mmmm.

It looks really good.

Very lifelike.

I took a bunch of pictures before I started and been sending you those.

In case you were wondering why doesn't it match.

So...

What do you think?

You're gonna miss your turn.

Thanks.

Science building, math building, art studio is back there as well as the music studio.

That's where I've been spending most of my time, where all my classes are.

I'm all stocked up on music electives, but I'm gonna be fucked senior year when I have to fulfill the ones I'm supposed to, but living in the moment.

Spin man, spin spin spin spin spin!

Come on pat, you got this guy!

Come on man, you got this!

Come on, come on!

Go baby, come on, come on!

You got him, you got him!

Come on, come on, go, go!

Go baby, come on!

All right man, chug it, chug it!

Come on!

Man, you got it!

Come on!

Come on, jabroni!

You got it, you got it, swing it.

Bam!

In your face!

Oh my god, that's some goodness.

You see something you like?

What?

No no, I just, I know that girl.

She went to my high school for a little bit.

You should've brought her to the cattle call.

That ass alone will put us over the top.

Hey!

Hi!

Okay everyone, everyone, okay, this is Matt.

Hi Matt.

Hi.

James, Sarah, Rachel, Andy.

James, Rachel, Andy?

Rachel, yes.

Got it.

I'm Matt, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I have to run, so I'll see you guys later.

Okay, I'll see you later.

See you later!

I have a good one if nobody else gets it.

The graveyard.

Ewww!

That is bullshit.

No, that is absolutely true, in fact my first kiss was in a graveyard.

On whose grave?

Priscilla sears.

Okay, i have a better one, I have a better one, i have a better one.

Okay, it wasn't sex, but I did get a handjob in a grandfather clock.

Oh my god.

How is that possible?

It was a large grandfather clock.

A large grandfather clock.

It was like imagine the size-- can I just tell you what I'm imagining right now?

Please, yeah.

So it's just like here's this grandfather clock and you're inside it?

Yeah.

She's just outside it?

No, we're both inside it!

I'm a gentleman.

That's some bullshit.

Grandfather clock though.

Do I win, do I win?

I don't know, does grandfather clock.

Hey, hey, how about her?

Which one?

The blonde girl, white shirt.

Nah, too thing.

All right.

Oh, oh, what about her?

In the, what you call them, the jeggings.

Are you kidding me?

What?

Seriously, she's completely normal.

That's normal?

Yeah.

That's normal?

Yes it is.

Okay, maybe back in Wisconsin with the farm girls-- dude, I'm from Rhode Island.

All right, well whatever, man.

You tell me then.

What are we looking for, huh?

What?

It's so nice, is it like this every day?

Yes.

That's why I love it here.

Thanks.

Okay, so I have no way to prove it, but I'm pretty sure the mirror in the bathroom is one of those two-sided mirrors you see in cop shows.

No way.

Yes, because i could see a figure.

Thank you.

You could what?

What is this?

Hmm?

When did you order these?

While you were in the restroom.

I told you i didn't want dessert.

Yeah, I know, I just thought I haven't seen you in a while, so I thought we should celebrate.

Right, but I told you I didn't want any.

Oh come on, just have some ice cream with me.

I'm good.

I'm paying.

I'm good.

You know that's all I could think about on the plane down here?

What, taking a baseball bat to the tiny shred of willpower I've developed?

No, just buying you meals and stuff.

'Cause you always did the buying before.

My parents did the buying, it was their credit card.

Well I finally saved up some money and I've been working like you wouldn't believe.

I just thought it would be nice to take you out for a meal and-- hey, you can pay for the dinner.

A salad?

What is that, come on, that's not a meal.

It had chicken on it, that's protein.

That makes it a meal.

Wow, you actually just said that.

What is so horrible about having a salad?

Nothing, it's fine.

You know what, don't eat it, I don't care.

Watch it melt.

Jill.

Hi.

Hi.

How are you?

Pretty good.

Yeah, I'd say pretty good.

Thank you.

Thanks.

You look great.

Thank you.

You look really good.

Carl, this is my boyfriend Matt.

Hi.

How you doing?

Nice to meet you.

So wow, wow.

Yeah.

We should get together.

Get some coffee or...

Something.

Possibly, yeah.

You got my number?

I must.

I want you to call me.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

Wow, you look great.

Thank you, thanks, i appreciate that.

Yeah, okay.

Nice to meet you, mark.

It's good.

Good ice cream.

Happy?


Oh my god, I cannot believe that she looks like that.

I know, I really-- guys, I'm just saying her ass is the size of Texas.

Well it's the size.

I'm doing this thing where I eat cheese and have a piece of salad.

Then I run--

I just wanna burn the calories, I don't wanna do it, i don't wanna do it.

Okay, okay, hold on.

So what did he say when you found the condoms, or I should say the dearth of condoms?

They broke up for three days and when they got back together, four of them were missing.

Woof.

He said he likes to jerk off into them.

Please tell me you did not fuck him after you got back together.

I mean I saw him and things...

All right, look, we're going to a party ad bel air's tonight.

Join us, we'll find you a guy.

Ben says he thinks we can make this work.

Fuck that psion-driving douche.

You're young and hot, what the fuck do you wanna be tied down to a guy for?

This is college.

I know, I just-- all right, you think you love this guy?

Okay, let's say he's being honest, let's say he's turned over a new leaf and you guys find a way to make it work or whatever.

Ask yourself this one question.

Do you really wanna go the rest of your life wondering if you could've done better?


Hey.

What's this?

You made dinner?

Yeah.

It's a special recipe i picked up at the restaurant.

I figured it's our last night here, and we've been eating out all week, so...

Uh-huh, and what's in it?

You know I've been-- well it's gluten free and dairy free.

It's all appropriate.

All right.

Let me just take out the trash.

I got it.

I can get it.

You made dinner, I'll take out the trash.

Jill, come on, just let me do it.

Really, let me do it.

No, it's a habit.

Can you not?

It's the least i can do, come on.

Dairy free huh?

Here, just let me...

What part of "I'm on a diet" do you not understand?

Okay, seriously dude, heavy cream?

Are you kidding me?

Those are the ingredients, that's what goes into it, it's not a big deal.

Oh really?

It's no big deal.

No big deal, huh?

Okay, do you realize this is one of the hardest things I've ever done?

Do you even realize how-- oh my god, you run around in circles once a day, how hard can that be?

What?

Hold on, just, here, just taste it.

Here, just try it, just try it.

Just have a taste.

Oh my god, no.

Please, then we'll talk.

Just try it, just taste it!

Fuck you!

Seriously!

Fucking eat it, eat it!

Jill, hey Jill!

Jill!

Jill!

Jill, Jill, listen!

Get out of here, go!

Please just tell me what you want, Jill!

What I want?

You want me to tell you what I want?

I want you to get your ass on a fucking plane and go back to Rhode Island and never fucking talk to me again, that's what I want!

You know, you'll never be one of them.

What?

You know that right?

Even if you wanted to be.

Even if they want you to be, which they don't.

Said the guy with the glass eye!

Oh, my bad, sorry, "plastic acrylic".

Hey fuck you!

You know what, actually, stop me if you've heard this one.

Some bitch walks up Winston Churchill at a party and says Mr. Churchill, you're drunk.

To which Churchill replies yes, but in the morning I'll be sober and you'll still be ugly.

I keep doing what I'm doing, and eventually I'll be thin.

And at the end of the day, you'll still be deformed.

It's a great word, isn't it?

Deformed?

Such a you word.

You know, you'll also still be an idiot by the way, I mean wow, great plan, patton!

One fatty meal, 50 pounds is gonna leap back on me, wow!

You lied to me.

I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you about it.

I wanted it to be a surprise.

That's a lie, that's, what's the word, equivocating, which is basically exactly the same thing!

Actually no, it's not because this doesn't negatively impact you in any way, okay?

Tell me what's wrong with what I'm doing.

'Cause you're a fucking fatass, okay?

And I like that about you.

I like that the only guys I'm competing against are elderly degenerates and guys that sickens me to think of you with, but the rest of the world wouldn't touch with a 10 foot pole, and you shouldn't be able to change all that without fucking telling me!

You have a beautiful day.

Fuck!


Hey.

Hey.

I'm just looking for a jump rope.

They're over there.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, don't I know you?

I mean were you a student at Benjamin frank high?

A transfer student or whatever?

Yeah, I was.

Yeah.

Yeah, I helped you with your books that one time.

You dropped them.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

After your friends knocked them out of my hands?

So you like working out down here?

It's all right.

Yeah.

I mean it can get pretty busy upstairs sometimes, you know.

I've had to wait 10 minutes to get on a treadmill before, it's crazy right?

If you say so.

Hey, look, I don't know what your plans are tonight.

Me and some buddies were thinking of throwing a little party over the frat house.

I don't know what you got going on, but I was thinking that maybe you'd like to join us.

I mean I know we don't know each other very well or anything, but it could be nice to see a familiar face.

Hey, wait up.

Just, hey.

Hey.

So which dorm are you in, O'Malley's, or I mean-- don't fucking touch me!

Okay, whatever it is you're doing you can just stop right now.

I'm not, I don't know what you're--

I don't know what you're up to, and I don't wanna find out, so just leave me the fuck alone.

Okay, what makes you think that I'm up to anything?

Is that a joke?

No.

Some Abercrombie and Fitch cover boy just strolls up to the chubby girl doing laps in the basement and asks her on a date?

Yeah, fuck that shit.

Whoa, okay, first of all, it's not a date.

I mean...

Okay, I was just asking if you wanted to check out a really cool party.

And I said no.

But why?

I mean-- because I don't want to.

That's not an answer though.

I don't have to give you one.

All right, but still, don't you think it would be the polite thing to do?

Just to show a little courtesy to a guy who's going out on a limb here?

I mean be candor with me and-- you want candor, fine.

You bore me.

Okay.

From your fucking pretty boy smile to your shoes to your innermost thoughts and feelings, have you listened to yourself talk?

"Oh I gotta wait 10 minutes for a treadmill," come on.

You know, I guess I just have better things to do on a Friday night than play beer pong with a bunch of date rapists in training.

Wow.

Yeah, you have got me all wrong here.

I'm a nice guy, okay?

I don't care.

Okay.


Hey, it's me.

Yeah, what are you doing tonight?

Is he going out?

I don't know where he's going.

I don't know where he's going.

Where are you going?

I said where are you going.

Hello, am I talking to a brick wall here?

Say something.

Out, okay?

I'm going out.

Where?

Elmo's gonna pick me up, we're just gonna drive around.

It's not a big deal, okay?

Have you seen my wallet anywhere?

One second.

I'll be right back, honey.

Huh?

I'd rather you stay home tonight.

Look, it sucks what you're going through.

I know that, i know it's the worst feeling in the world and anything I say is gonna sound like-- damn it, where's my fucking wallet?

Hey, are you listening to me?

Yeah, I'm listening!

I'm telling you I think you should stay home!

That was astoundingly like the advice you gave me six months ago, and look where that fucking got me, okay?

I'm trying to help you.

Help me?

Are you kidding me?

You're a single mother looking around for her deadbeat ex-husband trying to get child support, okay, so don't help me, help yourself okay?

All right, do what you want.

I'm done.

Hey honey.

Hey.

Hey.

Oh hey, a letter came for you, somebody slipped it under the door.

It was on the floor when I came in.


That one there, that's him.

Click on it.

Nice.

He's handsome.

He's too handsome, i wouldn't trust him.

See, now why would you say that?

Maybe he's a nice guy.

Or maybe he really likes her.

Based on what, he doesn't know her.

I don't know, how should I know?

I'm just saying it's possible.

Yeah, you say it's possible, and it's usually not possible, do you even know what tonight is?

What's tonight?

It's nothing.

Never mind.

No, tell me, what's tonight?

It's nothing, I mean I'm just saying I wouldn't call him.

Is it something...

No.

Nerd.

Why can't you tell me?

It's just, it's this stupid thing fraternities do.

All right, well I guess if it's nothing I can call him.

It's just...

Have you ever heard of the cattle call?


What?

What, what is it?

What did I do?

I don't know, it's...

I don't feel like this is necessary.

Necessary?

Yeah, I mean...

You're here, I'm here.

What's the hurry?

I'm not in a hurry.

Why do you keep doing it?

I just mean it's like every time that we're together it's always...

Because I like you.

I mean what do you want me to say?

You don't even know me.

Yeah I do.

Really?

What do you know about me?

Okay, I'm not doing this.

Okay, fine, I don't care.

You're a fucking asshole.

No, no I'm not, okay?

This is the kind of shit I'm talking about.

I read.

I have thoughts, I...

I have an imagination, I go to places that you don't even know.

I do things for people.

Oh my god, you've gotta be fucking kidding me.

Because I care.

That's the kind of shit that I want you to want me for, that's what i want you to know about me.

I'm a decent guy.

Wow.

You look...

Wow.

You ready to go?

Okay.

Okay, you're gonna like them, they're super cool, trust me, it's gonna be, how much cash do you have on you?

Not a lot, why?

Here, just take this.

Take that.

All right, the beer is free, but the liquor costs money okay, so when you offer to buy a girl a drink, make sure you pull out the whole wad.

Okay, let her see it.

Why?

So she knows you have deep pockets.

Yeah, but I don't.

Right, but she doesn't even know that, all right?

They only see what you want them to see.


Hey!

I got someone i need you to meet!

Hey, hey, Toni!

Toni, Toni, this is Matt, Matt, this is Toni.

Toni is in my women's studies class and she's insane.

Hi.

So what's with the weird outfit?

What, what do you mean?

Yeah, sorry, I forgot to tell him about the theme.

What?

What theme?

Boys will be girls night.

Yeah, I should've told you man, I'm sorry about that.

How come you're not dressed up?

Me, oh, I'm waiting for someone.

Oooo!

Shut up, shut up.

Who?

Just a friend, don't worry about it, it's gonna be fine.

Hey, just...

Be careful.

All right, have fun!

Hey, I think there's some extra boas upstairs.

Come with me, I'll get you in uniform.

236, ladies and gentlemen!

Who we got next?

Got you, come on up.

Aww, sweetie, don't be a sourpuss.

All right, who's up?

195, 195!

Jill?

Huh?

Do you want a beer or something?

Yeah.

What do you want?

I don't care.

What is it?

For you.

Let's see.

No, that's it.

No no no.

No, I don't want any of that please.

Oh yes you do.

No, I'm really, I'm all set.

Hey, just shut up and let me do it.

You will look so good, you've already got that semi-feminine thing going on anyway.

High cheek bones, you have big full lips.

This will be a cinch.

No, I don't want that.

Just trust me!

Listen to me, I said i don't wanna do that!

All right.

So what do you want to do then?

Hey, Justin.

You made it, man.

Hey there, uh...

Elmo.

Elmo, elmo.

So did you find the place okay?

Yeah, yeah, it was kinda...

What kind of party did you say this was again?

Oh, it's like a stupid costume party.

Normally I wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this, too many fags.

But a boatload of theater chicks though right?

Tell you what, why don't I grab your coat and get you some goose.

You know, I think I'm just, I think I'm gonna head out.

This place is just a little too wild for my tastes.

Oh, yeah, no, I get it.

Tell you what, get you a drink-- it's all right.

You sure?

You all right? - Yeah, I'll just, yeah.

Okay, yeah, drive safe.

Justin!

Hey, do you know where the bathroom is?

Oh shit, it's you.

Patrick keever huh?

What?

I heard dude, he's a fucking stud.

I'm jealous.

Who are you with?

Fabio, he's the sexy Latin dude taking the photos.

He's got his own name tattooed on his back and he's already misused the word pedantic twice in conversation tonight.

But fuck it, he's on the rowing team and he's got biceps like softballs.

So who gives a shit right?

But yeah, Patrick.

You're a lucky girl.

Got a fun night ahead of you.

Look, I gotta talk to you about something.

Why do they all wear solid black?

I mean whatever happened to vertical stripes right?

I don't think I can do this.

What?

What are you talking about?

You're one of my best pledges.

Isn't there any other way?

You wanna leave, no one's forcing you to be here.

No, I know, it's just-- more importantly, no one's forcing her to be here.

She's not stupid, she knows what's going on.

Why do you think she hasn't stormed out by now?

Why haven't all of them stormed out?

I don't know.

Because they wanna fuck a bunch of good looking dudes.

Are we exploiting them?

Obviously.

Are they exploiting us right back?

You better believe it.

Cheers.

I'm not gonna fuck you.

Wow, that's a relief.

I'm just saying, you're not my type.

I figured we should get that out of the way up front.

Up front, you mean like after I pay for your drink?

It's nothing personal.

You're just too...

Normal.

Normal.

Oh god, okay.

Of course, of course that's the reason.

What?

Whoa.

You want different, huh, you want weird?

There you go, it's all yours.

You know what, the funny thing is I actually don't disagree with you, I really don't.

I don't care what the fuck you call me.

I just wish that you guys, all you guys would just get together and agree on it

'cause I don't know what the fuck I am.

And all these guys, they seem to know.

I mean they're here, they put on this little uniform, and the only reason I don't have mine on is because this thing doesn't, it doesn't fit me.

And if it did, if there was something I could wear or say or do, then...

Are you even listening to me right now?

I'm saying something to you.

Shit, that is so fucking cool.

Unbelievable.

No, how did it happen?

You gotta tell me.

Actually wait, before you start.

Hey Andy!

Get over here, you've gotta see this!

204...

205, ladies and gentlemen, 205!

All right, last up.

Hey tons of fun, come on.

Come on sweetie, it'll just take a second, let's go.

Don't fucking touch me.

Come on, it's not gonna hurt.

Just get up.

I said I didn't-- just get on the scale.

I'm not doing this, I don't-- get your fucking hands off her!

You okay?

Yeah.

Dude, what the fuck are you doing?

I was just taking her on the scale.

She doesn't wanna get on the scale, so do not touch her!

She doesn't wanna get on the scale?

What are you, her bodyguard all of a sudden?

What's going on?

She doesn't wanna get on the scale.

So?

So everyone else has, so she has to now.

She doesn't have to do anything she doesn't wanna do.

This is supposed to be fun.

Yeah, but everyone else has--

I don't give a shit about everyone else.

Only person I care about is...

What's your name?

Jill.

Beautiful name.

All that's important is that you have a good time, isn't that right Patrick?

Yeah.

Upstairs.

Last door on the left.

How did you know I played basketball back then?

Well we went to the same high school remember?

You went to Ben frank?

Yeah.

Don't you remember there was that one time we were in the hallway, I was looking at the college placement board, and you came up and I was like hey look, we're going to the same school and you said nice, I'll see you there.

You want another beer?


No, that...

Who is she?

She's, we were dating.

Were dating, as in you guys broke up?

Not exactly.

Right.

Not exactly.

How long have you been together?

Year and a half.

We were trying the whole long distance thing.

Oh really?

How's that working out for you?

That was another joke.

Right, yeah.


Oh god.

I'm such a shitty singer.

Oh fuck, were you even listening?

Come on man, no, you're good. - You got a good voice.

No, no, shut up, that's wrong.

Fuck that, it's true.

No man, it's not, I'm not gonna.

Oh come on.

Watch it, jeez.

Outta here.

Roker, huh?

You read him yet, he's good.

He's kinda like...

What's his name?

Whatever.

There was this poet that my dad knew, or knew someone who, I don't know, but this guy, he was like, not famous

or anything, he was just unbearably ugly.

Like hideous.

And no woman would touch him, so he...

He tried guys.

No guys would touch him.

So he tried hookers.

But none of them would touch him either.

Take off your pants.

Don't you wanna just wait a little bit?

For what?

I don't know, just...

Just take them off.

Okay, just give me a minute.

So one day he went out to a store.

He bought one of those plastic revolvers.

And he took the little orange tip off, the one that makes you know it's a toy.

And he ran out into traffic just waving it.

And the police came out and tackled him and threw him on the hood of the car.

Is everything okay?

Just a second, okay?

I can help with something-- no, I just, just give me a minute okay?

He said it felt wonderful.

Fuck, what was his name?

Justin?

Justin?

Yo dude, you awake?

So still too normal to fuck?

No.

Not normal.

Just...

Pathetic.

Fucker.


Hey.

Have a good night, sweetheart.


Hey.

Wait, no no, hey, no, I'm sorry, I thought you knew, i thought, you were touching me, I just thought that you knew.

Oh god, please don't hate me.

I love you.

Hello?

What?


This way?

Hi, hey, excuse me, can you help me?

Excuse me?

Shit.

Excuse me!

Excuse me!

Sir?

Hi, I have a friend here, can you tell me where exactly he is?

All right, I understand.

I'll be with you in just a second, for right now though, please stand behind the yellow line.

No no no, you don't understand, please, can you just tell me which room he's in and-- sir, behind the yellow line now.

Please, just--

I'm so sorry.

God, get off the fucking phone, help me!

Security!

Okay, okay, okay, no, it's fine, I'm over here.

Just sit.

Fuck.


Elmo moss?

He's in critical care, please take a seat.


How are you?

Did you take a red eye, or how-- look, just do me a favor and don't talk to me.

Do you want me to sit somewhere else?

I don't care.

You don't care, or you-- just don't talk to me.

Okay.

Don't talk--