Sophomore (2012) Script


Welcome to the first day of truth.

Up until this point, they've been feeding you patriotic, watered-down, white, American history book bullshit.

Not anymore.

You're all grown up.

You're sophomores now.


Time to face the many harsh realities of our past.

Time to unlearn what you've learned.

Welcome to American History for the first time.

My name is Cap.

* I'm sipping on some sunshine *

* I'm gonna leave it for the morning and the afterlife *

You a freshman?

You a freshman?


You a freshman?

Me? No, no, no.

I'm not a freshman.

I'm the janitor.

Two days, freshman.

Did we look that young last year, dude?

You did.

I can't wait for two days.

See you Friday, freshman.

All these years and now it's only two days away.


Can't hit me this year, douche.

You don't have to sleep at my house this year, Sam.

I've been getting it since grade school from this idiot.

It's Freshman Friday, homo.

I remember in seventh grade, this big goo bag through an egg at me from across the street.

It was like Satchel Paige, dude, when that shit me.

I remember that guy.

He was crazy.

Luckily, that egg missed by 20 feet.

I got it worse in junior high than I got it last year.

Not anymore, dudes.

Not anymore.

Not anymore.

Hi, guys. Not anymore.

Hi. Not anymore.

Not anymore.

I didn't want to leave you out.

Thank you.

Can we still get your mom's car on Friday?

I think so.

She's been driving longer than me.

She's been driving that car since she was like, 12, man.

Another couple of years and you'll finally get your license.

What's a license?

Hey. Is that your dad, Jeremy?

Yeah. Your dad's the janitor?


That sucks, dude.

He got de-hired at the brokerage house.

This pays pretty good, he said.

Your dad rules.

Hey, guys. Hey, Jeremy.

First day back, huh?

Yeah. It's pretty soon, Mr. McKee.

I can see the school is going to be extra clean this year.

Oh, I don't know, Eddie.

I'm not that good.

Hey, guys, take it easy on the freshman Friday, will you?

I'll be up all night scraping eggs and whipped cream off the lockers.

Don't worry, Mr. McKee.

I don't miss.

I'm so sorry!

What do you guys got next?

I have math with Miss Hutz.

Same here. That's what I have.

Nice. I heard she's rough.

Oh, God.

When I was in 10th grade, she broke a chair over my head.

Lionel loves the math teachers.

What do you got next, Blank?


Yeah, but what are you going to?

Freshman English.

Every year, this idiot goes in the wrong classroom on the first day of school just 'cause he knows he can get away with it.

That's funny, dude.

Jacob Abbotts?


Tiffany Barrons? Present.

Mary Bere?

Um, it's "Ba- ray", ma'am.

Bere, okay.

Thomas Chatham?


I'm here, ma'am.

Thomas Chatham.

I'm Thomas Chatham.

Nice try, kid.

Thomas Chatham, ma'am.

Messing with the teacher on the first day of school?

Show some respect.


I'm Thomas Chatham!

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I apologize for his obvious poor judgment.

Lago. Here.

Eulich. Here.

Serenski. Here.

All right.

We have a lot to cover this year and plenty of time to get to know one another.

Let's just get started.

Please open your textbooks to chapter one.

We'll begin with problem nine.

Five minus x plus...

Is there a problem?

Oh. Oh, no, ma'am.

Lionel loves math, ma'am.


Then I'm sure he wouldn't mind walking us through the next few problems.

Would you, Mr. Brubaker?



I just started seventh grade and you can be there for Freshman Friday, it's bullcrap.

That's what you get for being smart, Ronny.

Brubaker, we're in junior high.

They're not going to mess with you.

It's the ninth graders they want.

Yeah, right.

This is so bogus.

Walk to this other class here?

There's plenty of room.

They're going to make me walk over there?

Your brother and sister will protect you.

I'm so freaking dead.

Girls know we love that shit.

It's so sweet.

Oh yeah.

Hey, Lionel, do you think girls know we look down their shirts when they bend over and they slooze.

I don't know. They don't know.

How old is your brother again, Sam?


Man, I hope I'm 20 when I'm a senior.

You're on your way.

He's a smart guy, though, right?

You don't know that story?

When he was little, he was in a coma for two years.

No way.

Yeah, dude.

No one knows why.

Most people just think he went to sleep.

Diarrhea in the house!

He's going to start seeing Francine.


He says he wants to date every Asian girl in 10th grade.

No sophomore girls ever go out with sophomore guys.

It's always seniors.

That's 'cause you dudes don't put out.

It's 'cause you can't get a girl in your own grade, you faggot.

Add them up. (scoffs) Yeah.

Except for Honey.

She said any time, Blank.


Lionel Brubaker.

Your sister's so hot, dude.

Shut up, man.

What happened to you?

I know.

I look like a nerd but I'm not smart.

What good am I?

You're cute. Thanks, Eddie.

No one likes the kids in their own grade.

It's always some other grade, some other school.

It's why I like hanging out with you guys.

You better not fucking hit me on Friday.

How's Hutz?

Can't even get one day with a math teacher who likes me.

She caught this kid smoking once.

She picked him up, hung him on a stop sign.

I know where she lives.

This big house, all by herself.

She's a lonely woman.

Maybe you should stop in for a visit, Eddie.

You know what you should do?

You should sneak into her house while she's home and take a shit in her toilet.

You mean like, right on her table?


That's not funny, that's gross.

Shit right in her toilet where it belongs.

She'll come in there afterwards and be so confused.

And you'll always know that about her.

No matter how authoritative she seems, she had a moment because of you that scared and confused the hell out of her.

That'd be funny.


Hi, I'm a seventh grader.

Not a freshman.

Seventh grade. Yep.

Just gotta go to my class.

Hey, Lionel, isn't that your brother?

Yeah. He's gotta go to class over here once a week.

On Fridays? Oh, he's dead.

He knows.


Yo, freshman!


Well, here we are.

Freshman Friday.

Sophomore's most looked forward to day, when you can finally do unto others what's been done to you.

Since this is supposed to be a history class, can anyone tell me when this yearly ritual of Freshman Friday began?

In the Bible?

(class chatters)

God the sophomore wreaking havoc on the freshmen of mankind.

Yeah, well, some would argue.

I don't know where it started either.

It's a common problem with us.

We have this tradition that persists year after year and no one knows why.

Everyone participates but no one's bothering to find out when and where it came from.

It's as if it was handed down by God.

As if it's always been here.

See, this is where history class has failed us.

History is right now.

And we can make of it whatever we choose and that's the way it's always been.

And what becomes history book history often took those who lived it by surprise.

But the books don't make that clear.

Which is why they're garbage.

Someone makes a decision, he chooses to act in a certain way and it becomes history.


Somehow we've forgotten that over the years.

In this class, we won't be memorizing dates or who won some battle in some war

'cause who gives a shit.

If you want to know those things, fine, go.

Find out on your own.

You don't need me for that.

This is about discovering meaning.

Somehow, we have come to imagine that learning history is memorizing some great story with characters like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, who always did the right thing.

These legendary, flawless men.


This is all bullshit.

Learning history is supposed to help us with our lives.


Or what's the point?

Remember these people were just like us.

They could have made the wrong decisions.

They could have made better decisions.

The whole thing could be completely different because these people, these patriotic icons...

...they were human beings.

They were people.

People who farted just like you and me.



* Nothing is more inspiring

* Than a beautiful woman Oh my God.

She's staring at me.

She's looking at me.

Hey, Honey.


She's watching the serve, Bob.

No, man.

She's looking at me.

Honey Brubaker.


It's our last chance.

She graduates this year.

I don't think it's going to happen again, Bob.

It was like a dream.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, there's no way it's going to happen again

'cause it never happened in the first place.

What are you talking about?

I'm not going to lie about the greatest moment ever.

The night I saw Honey Brubaker sleepwalk through her living room without a shirt on.


Whatever we do, can't let Lenny know or he'll never let us sleep over.

It's going to have to be warm outside or she'll sleep in a sweatshirt or something.


But when it is warm outside, she doesn't sleep in anything but her beautiful self.

Stop it, Bob.

I have to poop.

It's gonna happen and we're gonna be inside with her.

I can feel it.

Freshmen! Oh!



Seventh grade, assholes.

Sorry. (bell rings)



(gong bangs)

(bell rings) Yes.



(all screaming)

* Let's bail, let's bail

* Let's bail *

* Agitate the gravel

* Let's bail

* Saddle up and travel

* Let's bail, let's bail

* Let's bail

* This is the most boring place I know *

* Like a mashed potato sandwich with mayo on white *

* Chance are that fun is somewhere else *

* So let's go there

* And leave this mess alone

* Let's bail *

Meet me at my house, Lionel? Where are you going?

Mom's making me walk Lenny and his friends home.

Aw, shit. I know.

Good luck.



Time to make a little history, boys.

Hopefully legends, dude.

So big, the history books won't even have to lie about us.

Where are we going?

Let's head over to Chomsky Street.

There's always a mess of kids walking home there.

Make a mess of them.


I know a shortcut to Sam's house.

You guys already got hit?

Gym class.

* Just like Bill and Ted I was running so fast *

* I was seeing red

* There were mobs of children up and down the street *

* Cars all speeding to beat the heat *

You guys ready?

Yeah. It's on, dude!

* Suddenly out of the blue

* They had me surrounded, I didn't know what to do *

* I was trapped, he got me there *

Oh my gosh. Oh my God.

Oh my God.


Come on.

Right here, right here! Right here!

Did you see them all?

There's so many of them.

They think they're home free.

Go get 'em, Sammy.

Here they come.

Yeah! Whoo!

All right!




(whispers) Sophomore.

That sucks, dude.

It's bullshit.

You made it.

Couple close calls, man.

Got your boys, though.

No, they got that in school.

Gym class.

What's up, Strummers?

Poor Sam. What happened?

Got hit. Oh, shit.

I met you before. What's your name again?


No, that wasn't it.

It was like Todd or something.

No. It's always been Jeff.

No, dude, give me a second.

It'll come to me.

Hey, Sam.

Sam, you almost got me killed today.

What the fuck is this kid's name?

So stupid.

Why do people do this?

I mean, I'm not going to do this when I'm a sophomore.

Yeah, nice try, Bob. You'll do it.

No, I won't.

Somebody's gotta resist.

When did this stupid thing even start anyway?

In the Bible.


What, I washed 'em.

Not with soap, dude.

You told me to wash them!

Your dad's hating it right now.

Yeah, that sucks.

His dad's the janitor. Oh, that stinks.

Hey, Elroy.

Mom still laying your clothes out for you in the morning?


You kids are set.

I've seen some of the girls at Guthrie.

You're so set.

Eh, they're okay.

You're nuts, Bob. They're all flat.

Come on.

You're not ready for boobies yet.

Besides, we can't all be good-looking.

We wouldn't get any work done.

If everyone was good-looking, we'd just have sex all day long.

Seriously, wouldn't be productive.

Thank God for the ugly people.

Keeps the economy stable.

You kids are fucking sophomores!

Holy shit.

Are you ready for the craziest year of your life, 'cause you better be.

Hey, Blank, when do we get to go to a party?

Mm, you boys wanna go to a party, huh?

I can't.

Are you ready for that?

I'm ready.


* Since I was born

* They couldn't hold me down Freshmen? No. Sophomore.

* I didn't play by the rules

* And I never really cared *

* My nasty reputation takes me everywhere *

* I look and see it's not only me *

* So many others have stood where I stand *

* We are the young so raise your hands *

Hey, Lionel, there's your sister.

You boys are looking a little peaked.

Thank you.

* I like it this way

* I like it that way

* Everybody gather around gonna light the day *

* You're gonna watch us dance

* Now you're gonna hear us sing *

Where's Willie?

Where's my hot dog?

Who the fuck took my hot dog?

I never seen anybody eat a hot dog like that kid.

Loves hot dogs.

You guys missed the fight.


Just kidding.

You know, if I had a party, I'd invite all these same people.

I really would.

I like them all.

What about that guy?

Go, go, go, go, go!

I would also invite Thomas Chatham.

I think I'm gonna get myself a hot dog.

You should invite Cap, dude.

You take my fucking hot dog?

This guy fucking took my hot dog.

Yo, man, what's up?

He's a drunken idiot, Blank.

This fucking guy took my hot dog!

Dude, you ate it.

You're still chewing it.

I'm gonna be watching you, hot dog.

Fucking guy steals my hot dog.

Willie was starting shit outside.


No, this drunken idiot was stumbling all over himself.

That's what being drunk does to you.

It makes you stumble.

I can't manage my drinks either, man.

It's not really a drinking problem though.

It's more of a math problem.

I can't count that high.

What a loser.

You can't count to three?

Little wobbly over here.

You could have been somewhere touching boobs right now, but you had to go and make a joke.

I was just kidding.

* No hell below

Know what I love?

I love it when little kids are at the urinal and they pull their pants all the way down to their ankles to take a pee.

I love that shit.

You walking?

Yeah, I'm cool.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Yo, buddy, gotta go.

I'm sleeping, dude.

I can't tell anybody that.

Except for you.

You have nice legs!

I just wanna touch 'em.

I just wanna lick 'em!


I guess I did eat that hot dog.

What is cool?

Anyone care to participate?

Mr. Blank.


Same answer your brother gave in his day.

(growls) Pam.

Um. Just being yourself?

Why is it then that so many people in this school just want to fit in?

A lot of kids don't like to think for themselves.

They just like to follow the herd.

It's easier.

Knowing what's in style is cool.

I don't like girls that are out of date.

Or pale.

It's unappealing.

So, cool isn't timeless.

That's a phony cool.

What do you think is cool, Miss Lucille?

Um. Ani Difranco.

She's a singer.

She's just really cool.

You'll have to let me borrow some of her music.

Any time. (bell rings)

All I'll ask of you tonight, class, is look around you, observe things and decide whether or not someone is trying to sell you cool.

Eat this, drink this, wear this, and you'll be cool.

Ask yourself, am I the one really deciding what I'll spend my money on or have I been seduced by the power of cool?

Have a nice day, Willie.

You too, Cap.

Hey, I'd like to hear some of that music.


You should come over some time.

Sure. That would be nice.

Hi. I'm running for student government and I'd like your support.

Are you trying to seduce me with your power of cool?


I'm seducing you with my compassionate integrity.

Oh. Okay.



It's a miracle you can even write your name, Mr. Jermine.

Very disappointing.

I offer you kids extra tutoring after school, but does anybody bother to show?

Well, Mr. Brubaker.

By this latest effort, you can hardly afford to be tardy.

Sorry, ma'am, I was in the lavatory.

That's on your time, not mine.


You disgust me.

Every year there's someone like you.

Someone who shows no regard for anyone other than themselves!

Selfish little child.

Get out of here.

Get out of my face!

Maybe you'll learn that there are other people who share this classroom with you who believe that their education is valuable.

I do, ma'am.

She loves math and you hate it.

It'll never work out between the two of you.


I got her address.

You did?

My brother said he had it.

Well, he had it.

Wanna scope it out?

There it is.

She lives there all alone?

She keeps her dead mother upstairs, dude.

Is it on?

It's on.


The preceding program was made possible by the James and Patricia Sandman Foundation, the Thane- McIntire Foundation and contributions from--

She's in there.

How are you going to get in?

Through the front door.


... P.M.

Just what I thought.

Getting ready to watch "The Math Whiz."

She'll be locked there for a half an hour.

You got one?

I think so.

You gotta take a picture of it.

That is nasty.

It's memory, dude.

It's a reminder for Lionel.

He'll always remember how confused she was.


That equals minus four plus 4 minus, square root of 16, minus 240, plus 240 minus, times minus, equals plus.

All over two, when you multiply and take the square root--

He's in.

Billy from Clairmont.

Billy, go ahead with your question.

How's Hutz doing?

She's gone!


What are you doing?

What is that?

And what is that?

That was an accident.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

What's going on?

That scream didn't sound good.

(camera shutter clicks)

My name is Dorothy Hutz and I--I have an intruder in my house.

Please help me.

There he is!

This doesn't look good, fellas.

What am I gonna do? She locked me in.

Holy shit.

Toss your backpack.

Can you climb down?

There's nothing.

The leaves.

Yeah, hang on, Lionel, hang on.

(police sirens approach)

Oh shit.

Come on, Lionel, you can do it.

Come on, Lionel!

Come on, Lionel. Come on, Lionel.

Come on, man. Come on.





I got the picture.


Well, it looks like he's gone, ma'am.

Did you get a good look at him?


Not really.

You think she's gonna show?

Think she'll show?



* Could have been anything

* But I decided to be me *

(door opens)

Sorry I'm late, class.

I'm not setting a very good example, I know.

Now can we please take out last night's homework and we'll get started.

(musical sputtering)

* Take me riding in the car

* Car, take me riding in the car *

* Car, take you riding in my car, car *

* I'll take you riding in my car *

(musically sputtering)

* Click clack, open up the door, girls *

* Click clack, open up the door, boys *

* Front door, back door, clickity clack *

* Take you riding in my car


(musically sputtering)

* Climb, rattle on the front seat *

* Spree, I spraddle on the backseat *

* Turn my keys, step on the starter *

* Take you riding in my car *

Hey, man.

Wanna go shoot some air balls over at Eddie's?

Pam's driving.

No, I think I'm going to work on some homework.




There's just so much to choose from.

I don't know where to start.

Whatever you think's good.

In this one song, she says, "They criminalize the symptoms while they spread the disease."

Yeah, they're always thinking crazy stuff like that.


I think I'll play you this one first.

It's the first one I ever heard.

It's called "Little Plastic Castle."

That's the name of the album too.



This sounds really cool.

She's such a good guitar player.

She doesn't sound like anybody else.

It makes me want to get really good at something, you know?

Yeah. You should try guitar.

Yeah, right. I could never play.

This is awesome.

Did you bring anything in to Cap yet?

No. I'm still making him a mix.


She just has so many good things to say that I think he'd like.

She has so much courage.

She sings and it's just, I don't know, you have to hear her say it.

I can't say it as good.

* If they're happy

* But they don't seem much to mind *

So awesome.

* From the shape of your shaved head *

* I recognized your silhouette *

* As you walked out of the sun

* And sat down

* And the sight of your sleepy smile *

* Eclipsed all the other people *

* As they paused to sneer

* At the two girls from out of town *

* I said look at you this morning *

* You are by far *

Come on, Johnny.

You gotta come, John, it's a tradition.

I don't know, Larry.

All right.

Just tell the little woman you gotta pull an all-nighter.

Faculty cleaning.

All staff has a slumber party.

Been a while since I had a night like that.

All the more reason to be there.

It's a blast, come on.

You're dying for a night like this, aren't you?

You're gonna see some lushes we got working around here.

Coach Howard, this is getting kind of ugly.

Be right with you, tiger.

You with me?


Miss Lucille.

I made this for you.

It's all Ani Difranco.

Thank you.

I just thought you said you'd like to hear it.

I do. I do.

Well, I really hope you like it.

Make sure you pay attention to number four.

She says, "The money multinationals

"have monopolized oxygen so it's as easy as breathing for us all to participate."

Yes, we can't help but participate in their tyranny.

We're going to change that, aren't we?

Yes, we are.


Miss Hutz?

What is it?

Are you still giving extra tutoring after school?

I'd like some.

Have a seat, Mr. Brubaker.


Oh, dude, what is that?

It's Lionel's.


You- - What- -

You're fucking crazy, dude.

Yeah, it was stupid.

You're fucking crazy!

(engine starts)

School sucks, it's so boring.

Yeah, I know.

It's so boring, Mom.

Eat your dinner, Jeremy.

Oh, honey, this Friday, the school is having an overnight cleaning party.

I guess it's a tradition where the whole faculty gets together and they clean the school.

All night?

We're supposed to get a blizzard this weekend.

I heard it's a beer bash.

Don't worry, it's fine.

Not going to happen again.

Do you know how much money that ended up costing us?

I know. $3,000.

You hear that, Jeremy?

You ever get caught doing something like that, it'll cost you a year of community college.

Don't worry, I learned my lesson.

All right, now, remember, you have to finish all 18 holes to be declared the drink king.

So pace yourselves.

Y'all have your maps of this year's course.

Par is 74 again.

Remember, when you're finished, sign your scorecards.

You know what, I should just ahead and give this to Tug right now.


Hey, Johnny, I'm so glad you could make it.

We've got you paired up with Miss Beasley, Tug, and me.

What's going on here? We're golfing.

Listen, don't worry about trying to win this thing, all right?

'Cause, uh, Tugger's a lock.

Starting on the back nine of the gym.

You ready?



Starting off easy.

Par three.

All we need to do is one shot.

You can do two for a birdie and so on.

But you should probably pace yourself.

Red are for the ladies.

A little less potent.

Larry, I really shouldn't be doing this.

Come on, John, it's Jell-O.

Ladies first.

Oh, right down the middle of the fairway.

Number 12.

Here we have a 573-yard dog leg left with a pond.

Par 5.

As usual, Tug's honors.


Let's see if McKee can keep up his respectable even par pace.


Whoa, McKee!

Throwing his pace right out the window.

A hole in one at the 18th!

Woo-hoo! Yeah!

At the end of nine, John McKee!

Leading the field with the ridiculous 11 under par!


I thought that was 18.

No, we started on the back nine.

* Joy to the world

* The Lord is come, let earth *

How do you do it, Cap?

I mean, how do-- how-- how-- how do you keep them from getting to you?

They're sophomores.

It's the year they all grow up.

Sort of.

They have so many new experiences and new truths revealed to them, Dorothy.

Their heads are spinning, trying to figure out which way to go.

Remain a child, become an adult.

I'm not too sure which way to go either.

You know, this is about the only crazy thing that I do in my life.

You don't know what I'd give to have them look at me the way that they look at you.


History gives me so many ways to break the rules.

Mathematics isn't so easy for that.


I hate these tests.

I hate teaching for these tests.

That's no way to get them to see the magic.

I know. I know.


Makes you feel young.



We reach the final hole!

We have a new champion!


Well done. Well done.

* Oh the weather outside is frightful *

* But the fire is delightful

* And since we've no place to go *

Hi, hi, hi, uh, hi there, Officer.

Hi, Officer.

No, I haven't had anything to drink.

No, Officer, I don't drink anymore.

I used to.

Whoo, I used to.

I just had a couple of beers.

And a shot.

It's a nice night we're having, Officer.

Looks like a couple flurries.

* When we finally kiss goodnight *

* How I hate going out in the storm *

Made it!

Made it!

* All the way home

* I'll be warm, the fire is slowly dying *

What am I doing?

Can't go in there.

* But as long as you love me so *

* Let it snow let it snow

* Let it snow, let it snow *

Oh, shoot.

Oh, shoot.

* Just hear those sleigh bells jingling *

* Ring-ting-tingaling too

* Come on, it's lovely weather *

* For a sleigh ride together with you *

* Outside the snow is falling

* And friends are calling yoo hoo *

* Come on, it's lovely weather Oh my God.

* For a sleigh ride together with you *

Oh my God.

* Giddyup, giddyup, giddyup, let's go *

Oh my God.

* Let's look at the show


* We're riding in a wonderland of snow *

Mom, is Dad home yet?

No, he must be having the time of his life over there.

* We're gliding along with a song of a wintry fairy land *

* Our cheeks are nice and rosy and comfy cozy are we *

Did you get the paper?

Not yet.

* Let's take that road before us *

* And sing a chorus or two Hey, Mom, Dad's car's out here.

What, honey?

The key!

The key! The key!


* Farmer Gray, it'll be the perfect ending *

* Of a perfect day Dad!

The keys.


The keys.

What? The keys.

Start the car. Turn the heat up.

* There's a happy feeling nothing in the world can buy *

What happened?

Turn the heat up. The heat.

Shut the door. Shut the door.

(air blows)

Hey, kiddo.

Hey, Dad.

I won that golf tournament.

How you doing?


You're parked on the front lawn.

I know.

Love you, son.

I love you too, Dad.

Careful. Careful!




How's it look?

Pretty good.

Do you want me to park the car in the driveway?



Just put her in reverse and back her up slowly.

(engine revs) Easy. Easy.

Not too much gas. Just enough to get her going.


* Come on, it's lovely weather *

* For a sleigh ride together with you *

* Outside the snow is falling

* And friends are calling yoo hoo *

* Come on, it's lovely weather *

* For a sleigh ride together with you *

How are things going with Lucille?

Really good.

She's really cool, Dad.

You don't mind having me at school there with you, do you?

No. It's kinda nice.

It's nice getting to see my boy growing up.

Missed too much over the years.

It's nice having you around.

We probably shouldn't tell your mother about this.

Not just yet anyway.

Okay, Dad.

There's my pants.

What's for breakfast?

Mom, Dad's home.

It's about time.

Oh, looks great, hon.

Place should be spotless after a whole night of cleaning.

What happened to your face?

I threw up in the car and fell asleep and it froze and stuck me right to the window.

Oh, John, that's gross.

It's good to see you finally learned your lesson.

I hope it wasn't too hard to resist your new friends at the school.

You know me, hon, I'm a rock.

Yeah, you're a rock, all right.

* Don we now our gay apparel *

* Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

* Troll the ancient yuletide carol *

* Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la *

I like rice.

I bet you like rice too.

Oh, that is nasty.

But still kind of funny.

Are you going to give it to Lionel?

No, he doesn't need it anymore.

One plus two is...


12 minus three is...


They all lead back to nine.

Try 50.

Five and zero is five.

50 minus 5 is 45.

Four and five is nine.

That's so strange.

It works with every number.

But what does it mean?

What does that mean?

That's exactly what I want to teach the most.

Thanks, Miss Hutz.

I always hated math until you.

55! 56!



See you guys on Monday.

You got your uncle's ID?

Nine. Shut up, dude.

Do they even proof you?

Not every time.

I'm going to be 21 in six months.

I'm making a 15-year-old kid get the beer.

It's cool, babyface.

I'll put in once we stop at the ATM.

Cool. I'm going to pick up Willie, and we'll all meet back here.

You sure you're cool with your mom's car?

Oh yeah, she's working till six.

We should get going though, Puffy's in the car.


My dog, he was lonely at home, so I thought we'd take him with us.

Puffy's crazy, man.

He humps more legs than you, Blank.

Let's get going! Easy there, cowboy.

I want to drink!


* It's the most wonderful time of the year *


* With the kids jingle belling and everyone *

You know, a dog taking a poop is the funniest thing to me.


That is funny.


Let's put the keg back here.

I don't want my mom to smell it.

Puffy should take care of that.

* Holiday greetings and gay happy meetings *

* When friends come to call Hey, Puffy.

* It's the happiest season of all *

Ooh, Puffy got worms.

* Marshmallows for toasting and caroling out in the snow *

Here comes another one!

* Scary ghost stories, and tales of the glories *

* Of Christmases long, long ago *

* It's the most wonderful time of the year *

Oh, shit.

It was an accident!

I held on too long!

You kids are dead!

Look at that guy.

* Caroling out in the snow

* There'll be scary ghost stories *

They probably hit him with a snowball.

* And tales of the glories

* And of Christmases long, long ago *

* It's the most wonderful time of the year *

You're fucking dead!

* There will be much mistletoeing and hearts-- *

It was an accident.

Come on, guys.

So Willie told me to pick him up at his aunt's house, but you're saying it's not really his aunt's house?

He doesn't want anyone to know, but him and his family moved to Clairmont, so he had to start faking his address so he could keep going to school with us.

I'm gonna mess with Willie.


Excuse me, can you help me with this?


I'm going to need some plastic cups too.

The red ones, preferably.

(register beeps)


Would you like to see some ID?

That's okay, sir.

* I went to the window

* And I saw something there

* The kids all have off from school *

* That's 'cause he's here

Hey, Eddie!

I'm not Eddie.

I'm Uncle Jose.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you were someone else.

That's okay.

We're going to be at Blank's house.


Okay. Here we go.


Put it there.

I'm good right here.

Hold on a second.

There we go.

His parents are dentists, right?


Willie's little secret.

(tires skidding)


Sorry, it's totally icy.

That's okay.


I gotta get some money.

Take your time.

Oh, Puffy, are you okay?

* A house at the top of a hill *


Sorry, guys.

(ATM beeps)

* Snow dear, my moon's come a shine *

* Through pine, holly moon hawks sleep *

* Let her scrap through the failure *

Puffy, you locked the doors.


Puffy locked the doors.

Can you climb through and unlock them?

I don't think so.

You want me to call the auto club?

I can't believe this.

I'm so sorry.

That's okay.

You're the best, Eddie.


* Every trail leads to your heart *

* It's time marry

(engine revs)

* From your side I'll never part *

* Every trail leads to your heart *

Eddie, why are the wheels spinning?

I think you have the car in drive.

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!



Hi, I'm locked inside a car and it's beginning to drive itself.

Yes, I'll hold.

Eddie! Eddie!

Oh my God! Oh my God!



Oh my God!


Oh my God! Oh my God!


Oh my God!

* I've been hitting some hard rock mine *

* And thought you knows *

Oh, my God, Eddie!


Oh, my God!

Hey, Willie. Hey, Blank.

I'm glad you go to school with us.

Me too.

You know, our mom can talk to your aunt.

You could probably live with us if you want.

Thanks, Blank.

Any time, Willie.

Okay, here's my situation.


Did you get them? All set, Pammy.

Where should he meet you?

Oh my God, someone's coming!

Um, yes.

She has a red jacket and she'll be ducking behind some bushes.

Oh, look, Gilbert, there's a puppy in there.

Hey, little fella.

It looks like he drove this car into the bushes.

Are you scared?

Did you lose control of your automobile?


Oh, the poor little guy is locked in there.

Well, I guess we should go call the police.

How's it going? (gasps)

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Thank you. Thank you.

Is that your car?


How old are you?

I'm 17. Come on.

I was driving my parents' car when I was 14 too.

I'm 15.


Unless my mom finds out about this.

I hear you.

Be careful.

Hey buddy.

How's it going back there?

Pretty good. Thanks.

Oh my God. Oh my God!

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, thank you so much!


Thank you!

Want me to push you out?

You're awesome. Come on, Puffy!



* I want to wake you from your dream *

* I want to know just who you're talking to *

* When you're singing in your sleep *

* I want to find out what it means *

* Do you love me?


* A thousand words I want to say *

* But it's impossible to spit 'em out *

* I can barely make a sound

* Do you love me, love me? *

* Now we're fine, all right *

What-cha doing, boys? Jeez, you scared me.

Just watching Honey Brubaker play tennis.

It is a sight to behold.

Check out that dude.

It's so funny how dudes can walk around without their shirts on.

Look at this guy, bare-chested.

It's funny.

There's places where girls can do that too.


There's some places, dude.

You'll be surprised.

Why can't it be like that around here?


Shit, you know?

I know.

We gotta go in.

Getting too hot out here for you, boys?

Said we'd meet Lenny in the library.

Out here looking at his sister, huh?

See you. Yeah.

Yeah! Yeah!


Man, we're running out of time.

She's gonna graduate soon.

You're not talking about that again.

We still have the summer.

It's gotta happen before school ends.

I can feel it.

I'd like to take this one out, Miss Kleppy.

Oh, "A Wrinkle in Time".

This is a great book.

It hasn't been signed out in years.

Oh, you forgot to sign the card.

Oh, sorry.

Oh my God.

Hm? Look.

Honey Brubaker was the last person to take this book out.

So? That's the sign.

It's gonna happen.

Miss Kleppy, do you know what the weather's supposed to be like this weekend?

Oh, they say very warm.

Thanks. That's stupid.

You're stupid.

It's this Saturday, I feel it.

Hey, uh, Lenny, what-cha doing this weekend?

Probably playing board games with my family.

You wanna sleep over?

These two are.

Sure, that'd be cool.

Cool. Saturday?


Um, maybe we should sleep at your house instead, Lenny.

It's a lot more fun than Bob's.

No offense, Bob.

No, no, that's cool with me.

I'll have to ask my parents, but it should be fine.



Um, pumpkin.

I have that one. Me too.

Crud. Okay.

It looks like Bob is the big winner.

He's always so lucky.

(door opens)

Oh, Honey's home already.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, Honey. Hi, Honey.

Did you have fun?

Yeah, it was okay.

Care to join us?

I think I'm gonna go to bed.

Have fun though. Goodnight.

Goodnight. Goodnight.

What's next?


I'm kind of tired myself.

Oh, yeah, me too.

Think I'm gonna hit the hay.

Me too.

What are you guys talking about?

I just think we could all use a little extra rest.

It's good for our bones.

What the hell are you talking about?

Just wait 'till you're our age, Lenny.

You'll know what Bob's talking about.

I guess that's it then.

You guys are so weird.


Don't you guys wanna stay up all night?

We can sneak out into the streets and run around.

I'm really tired, Len.

You guys are so gay.

(door opens)

Jeff, Jeff! She's, she's- -

Huh? She's-- She's out there.

No way! Shh.

She's out there.

Come on, guys. Don't you wanna go do something?

He's talking in his sleep.




I can't believe it.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Bob. Get back over here.

Come on.

Bob, no, no.




Mind if I join you?

Um, no. Go ahead.

How are you?

Pretty good.

Did you like what you saw?

I guess.

A little.

I always wondered if I slept walk.

Sometimes I'd wake up at the wrong end of the bed.

You didn't know that you did it?

Do you think I'd sleep without a shirt on then?

Probably not.

It's pretty cool that you made it all the way down here.

Yeah, it's so weird.

It's c-c-cool. Sorry.

I stutter around beauty.

What were you trying to do? Kiss me?

I did kiss you, couldn't help it.

You looked so good.

It's okay, Bobby.

You're really nice, Honey.

Are you going to tell Lenny?

I don't think he'd ever let us sleep over again.

You know, Bob, you're really cute.

I'm sure you've thought about girls in a funny way.

Probably thinking some are sexy and that's fine.

But people are so much more than that too.

Even you guys deserve to be treated as whole people.

I know sometimes it's hard and you start feeling horny, but I hope you can remember that other people's feelings are really, really important, okay?


I'm reading "A Wrinkle in Time."

I love that book. Yeah, it's really good.

Time for bed, huh?

Yeah, I think I'm going to stay down here for a while.


It was nice talking to you, Bob.

You too, Honey.

Hey, Bob... sweet dreams.

* I wanna wake you from your dreams *

See you guys.

Try not to be such lame-os next time.

See you, Lenny.

See you guys. See you, Lionel.

What happened? Where'd you go?

Stayed in the basement for a while.

Can't believe she didn't wake up her parents and have your balls chopped off.

She came back downstairs.

Yeah right.

She did. No way.

What'd she say?

Some cool stuff.

She's really nice.

Her tits were so nice.

Don't say that.

What do you mean?

Just don't say that, she's a person, you know?

You gotta respect people.


That's okay.

She did look really good.

Yeah, she did.


Well, class, this is it.

I always hated the last day of school.

Oh, boy.

We're going to miss you, Cap.

By the end of the day, you'll no longer be sophomores.

How does that feel?

I'm sure you've been through quite a lot this year.

Been some crazy adventures out there.

I hope it's been as entertaining in here.

Um, Cap, I just wanted to say thank you for teaching us to question things.

I feel a lot smarter now.

Now I'm never just going to follow what someone else says, no matter how much pressure there is from them.

Thank you, Jeremy.

And thank you for the music.

Miss Lucille introduced me a little folk singer.

I am forever grateful.

Oh serpentine.

Now she's a patriot.

Fighting the good fight.

Now, class, what are we going to do with ourselves?

How are we going to fight the good fight?

Each of us has something to do.

Time to make a little history of our own.

Let's learn the lessons of our past and let's make things better.

We're living here now.

This is our adventure.

So I ask you, class, what's your idea?

How would you like to benefit mankind?

What would you like to change?


You know what I want to change?

I want to make it so girls can walk around with their shirts off.

Really, I'm serious.

Guys can do it wherever they want.

There shouldn't be a law that forbids girls from doing it.

Girls are beautiful.

Don't sit around and think things are going to happen on their own.

They're not. You have to take charge.

Figure out how you'd like things to be and then go forward.

See, you all have a vision of how the world could be and you need to set your sights high.

Who cares if history tells us it can't be done.

Maybe it hasn't been done yet because history's been looking for you.

Everything starts with an idea.

We have to take action!

Right, Jeremy, action.

Lucille, how are you going to implement your vision?

I was just thinking I'd start a newsletter with good lyrics and I was thinking I might try to learn guitar myself.

And share a little.


See, there's no standard way to achieve something

'cause there's no standard person.


How do you plan on achieving your goal?

I was thinking I might just stand on the roof of the school, raise my arms and it'll happen.



Oh, class, we're all here at this time, living our lives trying to figure out where to go with them.

As our dear Miss Helen Keller said, life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.

It is awe-inspiring for me to be sharing this life with you and the more you inspire me, the more I want to pass it on.

I hope I pass some of that on to you this year.

So when you go out there into that world, you make it better out there.

* This is goodbye

* Oh this is goodbye *

Hey, man. Hey, guys.

Last day with Hutz?

Lionel becomes a freaking math whiz.

Maybe you can get on that show.

This is freaking weird.

Mr. Blank, ready to graduate?


What are you going to do with yourself?

I don't know.

Live with Willie.


Thomas Chatham!

You're a good kid.

Don't you ever forget it.

After today, you're a sophomore.

Where did you get that?

Hey, Jeremy, I heard your dad's not going to be here next year.

No, he's going back to the brokerage house.

I guess this year was enough for him.

Says he's going to cut back his hours though.

He's not going to slave for the man anymore.

I think I might try out for the baseball team next year.

Needs some time to cheer on his boy.

There's your boy.

Yep. There's my boy.

X equals 2x times 4... (bell rings)

...minus 14.

Well, that's it.

Hope everyone has a good summer.

You too, Miss Hutz.

Hopefully you feel prepared for the final.

I'd be happy to answer any last questions.

So long.

(bell rings)


Miss Hutz?

Hm? Hi, Lionel.

I never said I was sorry for--

I know.

You said it.


I'm nervous about the test.

You'll be fine.


Have a good summer.

You know, if I didn't catch you and I found that in my toilet, I would have been so confused.

It wouldn't have been quite the shock but it would have been really confusing for a very long time.

I guess things kind of work out then.

I guess they do.

Just like math.

When you do it right.

Have a good summer.

You too.

You're a great teacher.

Hey, Sam.

What are you doing tonight?

I don't know.

You wanna do something?


Hey, Lionel.

I know, Sam.

Yeah. Hey, Pammy.

Want to take a victory lap in your mom's car later to celebrate?

Um, I think I'm retired.


She spent her nine lives, dude.

We all gotta learn our lesson sometime, right?

I got the key!

No way!

Yeah, my dad's quitting anyway.

Let's go!

Who you waving to?

Your sister.

Hey, I want you guys in on this.


(humming "The Ants Go Marching")

* We are finally out of classes *

* And we're walking out the door *

* It's a miracle that we will not repeat the grade before *

* Well they tried to fill our heads up *

* With the lies the teachers told *

* But the truth is marching on

* Glory, glory, hallelujah

* We are finally out of school, yeah! *

* Going to the summer with the freedom and the wonder *

* The truth is marching on

* Glory glory hallelujah

* We are finally out of school, yeah! *

* Going to the summer with the freedom and the wonder *

* The truth is marching on *


* Now we're coming apart

* It's only a day away

* I'm looking forward to the rest of our lives *

* But I couldn't be happier today *

* I wanna sing out

* Whenever I'm alone

* Always here, always there *

* When the day ends

* Another begins

* Always something more we have to do *

* So go out, have some fun *

* You're gonna ride your bike around the sun *

* And when the leaves are turned to stone *

* You can just roll and roll and roll *

* 'Cause when the day comes to an end *

* Another one begins again

* So if you're thinking you've had enough *

* There's always more and more to come *

* Well that's that

* That's life, that's life *

* That's life

* Well that's life

* That's life

* So it's coming again

* An opportunity has shown its head *

* And I'm looking pretty good

* Because I think I've understood *

* That when I sing out

* Whenever I'm alone

* I realize it's only one

* When the day ends

* Another begins

* Always something more to come *

* So go out

* Have some fun

* You're gonna ride your bike around the sun *

* And when the leaves are turned to stone *

* You can just roll and roll and roll *

* 'Cause when the day comes to an end *

* Another one begins again

* So if you're thinking it's not enough *

* There's always more and more to come *

* So go out, have some fun *

* And realize that you're the one *

* Play the game

* As each one comes

* Until we ride into the sun

* Well that's life

* That's life, that's life *

* That's life

* That's life

* Well that's life

* That's life *