Sordid Lives (2000) Script

Ouch. Shit.

Turn that down, Bitsy. Sorry.

Wardell, do you think God killed Peggy as a punishment... for having that affair with G. W.?

You know I don't believe in that shit, Juanita.

Testing.

Can y'all hear me? We sure can, Bitsy.

Bitsy, have you ever had an affair... with anybody with missing limbs or anything?

Not that I can remember, Juanita.

I once had an affair with a man with only one testicle.

♪ And who's a sinner You're my 27th therapist in the last three years.

♪ Lord, it's tough enough to trudge from brunch to dinner I'm from the South. Uh, Texas, actually.

♪ We seek the light of truth

♪ Between our white lies I was raised rigid Southern Baptist, I'm an actor, and I'm gay.

♪ We sleep away our youth under tattletale skies

♪ Who's a sinner and who's a saint

♪ Who's to say who you can love

♪ And who you can't

♪ Now it's easy for the pot to call the kettle black

♪ They're just jealous of the hot and lusty, sordid lives they led

♪ Ain't it a bitch sorting out our sordid lives

♪ It's a bitch when you come to realize

♪ Crack yourself a box of CrackerJacks

♪ You can get a really shitty prize

♪ It's a bitch sorting out our sordid lives

♪ Now there's trouble coming down the chute

♪ To take our first breath

♪ And we struggle for acceptance from birth to death

♪ But the Lord's too busy trying to keep the world on its feet

♪ He ain't got time to give a damn about what goes on between the sheets

♪ Ain't it a bitch

♪ Sorting out our sordid lives

♪ It's a bitch when you come to realize

♪ Crack yourself a box of CrackerJack

♪ You can get a really shitty prize

♪ It's a bitch sorting out our sorry, little

♪ Sordid lives

] Oh, yeah That's real good, Bitsy. Thank you, Juanita.

When I was a kid, I was fat.

A fat boy.

Waddle-butt.

That's what the other kids used to call me.

I just wish they could see my ass today, 'cause I've worked really hard on my ass, you know?

Anyway.

One year--

I think I was in the fifth grade-- my mama took me shopping for school clothes... and I had gotten fatter.

I had to try on jeans.

Well, the only ones that would fit were the husky ones, you know?

They had that label on the back that said ""Husky.''

It was kind of announced to everyone behind me I was a husky.

I started crying.

I didn't want everybody to know I was a husky.

And my mama... sat me down right there in Sears and told me no one else had to know.

Just me and her.

It was our little secret.

So, she bought the Husky jeans. She took 'em home.

And then she went to the Goodwill, and she bought some used jeans.

Well, she took the label off the Husky jeans and sewed on the ""Slim'' label... from the Goodwill ones.

Slim. Shit.

Like I could pull that off.

It's just the kind of mama she was though.

Never made me feel bad about being fat. She--

She always just made it okay.

And I've always thought that that is unconditional love, and--

Well, maybe if I told her I was gay, it'd-- you know, it'd apply.

And this other thought just keeps running through my head:

She'd just try and change the labels... from gay to straight.

I tried to do that for years.

I love your new song. You gonna sing it at the dance on Saturday?

That's the plan.

See you boys in the funny papers. All right.

I just can't get Peggy off of my mind, Wardell.

That's some serious-ass shit you've been through, G.W. I'm in agony.

Yeah, I can tell. I remember it so vividly.

We met at the Bonanza over in Abilene, had us a nice steak supper.

She followed me back to the motel.

Jacob's ladder.

Witch's hat.

You do Jacob's ladder, then witch's hat. Two tricks in one.

Well, one trick, and then you do another by just pulling the string with your teeth.

You have too much time on your hands, Odell.

Ain't that somethin'? You know what I can't get off of my mind?

Oh, here we go again. I can't get that... pig-bloating incident off my mind. What?

Please, G. W., if I have to hear that goddamn pig story again...

I think I'll just shit. All happened at the Tyler County Fair.

I guess now's a good a time as any.

Was that steak tender, the one you ate that night Peggy died?

Thank you, hon! I'll see you at the funeral!

Well, I'll tell you one thing...

I sure as hell wouldn't have quit smoking if I had known my sister was going to die.

Three days now. I am about to die myself.

H-H-Hold on.

Ouch. Oh, Lord.

Huh? Oh, nothing.

Well, if you must know, it's a little quit-smoking therapy... that Roger over at the Beehive shared with me while he was back-combing my hair.

He paid $2,000 at this clinic over in Snyder... and they give him a rubber band-- told him to pop his arm with it every time he wanted a cigarette.

It's called, uh... behavior modifi-something another.

Roger can tell ya the exact wordage.

Anyway, it ain't workin'.

See, I go down to Tyler every year for the county fair. Broom.

Oh, I just love all them animals and them displays of macramé... and the cooking competition and all.

Besides, it gives me a chance to see me and Wardell's sister.

I once made a rooster out of beans and lentils when I was a girl... in vacation Bible school.

It's almost lifelike. Uh-huh.

How is old Mozelle? Oh, she's fine.

Me and Mozelle, we had us some good times once upon a time.

You know, her and Darrel have had a bunch of marital problems.

He beat her up a few times. Tepee.

Mama hung old Cockadoodle in the kitchen.

That's what I called him. ""Cockadoodle.''

That's amazing. But, uh, boll weevils started eating them beans.

And that was all she wrote. That's amazing.

You know, any man who hits a woman is no man at all. You got that right.

Darrel's in group therapy for abusive husbands now. Oh.

A bunch of wife-beaters gets together once a week with this specialist, and they purge.

Some of them are deadbeat dads too.

Used to be two groups. One for wife-beaters and one for deadbeat dads.

But so many of them crossed over from one group to the next, they just merged.

Hey. They merged and they purged.

I've seen boll weevils in flour... in, uh, oatmeal and parik-- paprika... but never on a rooster you made in vacation Bible school.

I probably should have married Mozelle instead of Noleta... and then I wouldn't have been compelled to fool around... and Peggy would still be alive.

Well, it's just somewhat awkward when your neighbor's husband kills your sister.

Oh, Noleta has emerged.

She's throwing all of G. W.'s stuff out in the yard.

Goddamn sorry, cheating son of a bitch!

Oh, Lord have mercy on my soul.

There goes the TV.

Life is one big, ol' pile of shit, Odell.

You know, G.W., no offence now, but, uh... you're starting to get on my nerves.

I mean, get off the cross, buddy.

We need the wood.

That was a joke, G.W.

You know, to try and lift your spirits.

My God. My God.

Woo-hoo. Woo-hoo.

Woo-hoo.

Come on in, Noleta.

Thanks, Sissy.

I brung you this. It's, uh-- It's my mama's tuna casserole.

You know, the one I always make with the Lay's potato chips and the Cream of Mushroom soup.

Well, that is mighty nice of you... given the circumstances and all.

Are you all right? I'm fine.

Oh, Sissy.

Oh. I don't know what to do.

Everybody's laughing at me, Sissy.

G.W.'s made a complete fool out of me.

Can I bum a cigarette, please? Oh, hon, I quit three days ago.

Threw 'em all out.

Why don't you sit down... and I'll make you a nice glass of ice tea.

There you go.

Would you like a Valium? Uh-huh.

I know this has to be awkward for you, Sissy.

I mean, my husband killed your sister with his, um--

I threw him out. I threw his sorry ass out, Sissy.

Threw all his stuff out on the lawn.

If he don't get it by tonight, I'm gonna have a yard sale.

But what am I gonna do now? Oh, hon.

I mean, I have no skills. I'm just a mama and a wife.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Aw.

Aw.

Ouch.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be telling you this.

Should I take one or two of these? I'd take two if I was you.

And you'll feel a lot better when those kick in.

And you can tell me anything you want, Noleta.

I feel for you. I do.

This whole thing is just one, big, unfortunate mess.

Cup and saucer or a pocketbook. Two tricks in one.

Didn't even use my teeth. What happened to the pig, Odell?

The other white meat. I'm getting to that, G. W.

I had to go to the can real bad, on account of the fact I had one of them corny dogs.

I got real thirsty. I bought one of them big, old jumbo sodas to wash it down with.

So I headed right on down to them porta-potties. And I strongly believe... that mama just didn't like old Cockadoodle... and she made up that boll weevil shit... because I sure the hell never saw no goddamn bugs.

I'm in hell.

Today I was at the Shamrock, filling up--

I needed one more full tank for a complete set of them Dallas Cowboy mugs--

I'm gonna get you a little refill.

And that trashy thing, Lynette Walters, was there.

Well, she was there talking to her friend... that Gloria Other-piece-of-trash, old man Holmes's youngest girl... the one with them two illegitimate mulatto kids... and they were staring at me, pointin', talking all hush-hush.

Those two, all skinny in their tube tops and short shorts... like I was some kind of circus freak or somethin'.

Those two, Sissy, of all people, like they was better than me.

Well, they're not. Well, I just went up to her window... threw down a 20, didn't wait for my change or my Dallas Cowboy mug, and left.

Good. Drove down Highway 84... sobbing to high heaven, going nowhere.

Finally had to pull over 'cause I couldn't see the road no more.

Aw, hon.

I'm sorry. I shouldn't be telling you all this, giving you troubles.

You've got enough on your mind.

Well, I gotta go, Sissy. So soon?

The kids get out of school at 3:00, and I gotta explain to 'em about G.W.

I am so sorry about Peggy.

She was a really good woman, in spite of--

Tell LaVonda to call me. I will.

And those Valium ought to kick in any minute. Oh, here.

Take these with ya.

I got another bottle.

Oh, thank you. Aw.

Bye-bye, hon. Thanks for the casserole.

Now you hold your head up high, ya hear?

I'll try. I mean it.

Oh, shit. Ouch.

And as I rounded a corner, these kids was a-holdin' down that pig... while they was a-stickin' a garden hose down that poor pig's throat... trying to get it to gain weight right quick like to qualify.

All for the sake of a durn blue ribbon.

Oh, those dang kids. They all looked like juvenile delinquents to me... squattin' that pig down there, shovin' that hose down his poor throat.

Well, she's just gone crazy over this whole ordeal.

Who wouldn't?

Uh-uh. No, no. Uh-uh.

No. No, no, no.

No, ma'am. No, sirree. No.

I don't believe Brother Boy is mentally stable enough to come to the funeral.

The last time I seen him, he thought he was Tammy Wynette.


Had on a real pretty wig and a sequin pantsuit though.

And if you'd squint your eyes and kept a good distance away... he looked just like Tammy... in the early years.

Lord, Lord, Lord. Sometimes I just can't hardly stand it... thinking about him all cooped up like that.

Poor Brother Boy.

But at least he is someplace safe... where he will not be ridiculed.

Hey, faggot. What happened to your hair?

You crazy, cock-suckin', motherfuckin' faggot.

I'm talking to you.

I can see your pussy.

Oh, I gotta git.

That is Latrelle.

Oh, she does not look happy.

Her and LaVonda have been arguing all morning long. Sissy!

I just refuse to referee anymore. Sissy!

Thank you. I-I need those prayers.

Prayers mean so much. I'll see you at the funeral.

I gotta go. Bye-bye.

Ouch.

Sissy!

Oh, well. You're just never gonna believe what she's done now.

You just won't.

What did she do? LaVonda wants to bury Mama... in that ugly mink stole with the head still on it. Well--

I know Mama loved that stole, but, good Lord, Sissy.

It's 1 08 degrees out. Well, I--

No person should be wearing a mink stole in the middle of summer.

Well, she was-- It's not appropriate.

-Well, I-- -It's not right, and I will not have it!

And I hope you'll support me on this. Well, I--

I will not have her making a mockery of my mama at her one and only funeral.

It's just not gonna happen. Lord, it's hot in here. Your air conditioner working?

Well, yeah, but when it gets like this, it just don't seem to help a lick.

Probably needs Freon.

Well, I never did like Sister's mink stole noways.

Gave me the heebie-jeebies with them glass eyes staring out at ya.

-Of course, she was awful partial to it. -I know it.

But it's summer, Sissy. Hot, hot summer. Oh, thank you.

I knew you'd back me on this, I did. But you know how she is.

She won't listen to me. Gotta tiddle. Well, I--

Thank you.

Ouch.

I'm sorry, G.W., but the vision... of that poor, pitiful pig's anguished face--it haunts me.

Don't tell me you ain't finished.

I got sidetracked. No.

Hey, do you all think I'm pretty?

Then that poor, old pig fell over, started rollin' around, convulsing.

And then it just laid down and-- and--

And died! The damn pig died. Done. Finished. Kaput.

-End of story. -Didn't even get to compete in the fair.

Well, ain't that too damn bad? Yeah.

I guess life can go on, huh, G.W.?

Except for the pig's.

Except of the pig's! Goddamn.

Oh, that's a good un. Shit.

But it ain't funny! Yeah it is.

This is the first time G.W.'s laughed since Peggy died.

Shit.

Well, I tell you, Latrelle--

Now, you know I never say nothing bad about my sister--

She was like a second mama to me, being so much older and all.

But, honey, she just sort of went a little crazy towards the end... after your daddy died.

Just kind of cut loose.

Started honky-tonking. Honky-tonking?

Honky-tonking out at Bubba's almost every night.

Her best friend toward the end was Bitsy Mae Harling.

Bitsy Mae Harling who used to date blacks in high school?

The one and the same.

She's been singing on the weekends out at Bubba's since she got out of jail.

Said she was framed. Prison trash.

That's a cigarette cough.

No shit. You're gonna die of lung cancer just like Aunt Bertha did.

You mark my word.

Lord, that was an awful death.

She suffered so.

Well, for your information, Miss Smarty Britches, I quit smokin' three days ago.

We'll see how long it lasts.

Besides, the damage you've done to your lungs is most likely irreparable.

I read all about it in a magazine at the doctor's office.

Bitsy Mae Harling and Mama.

Yes, ma'am. Then the last couple of months she started carrying on with G.W. Nethercott.

Shit. Listen, buddy. I know how you feel.

I still have nightmares over that pig myself.

I don't give a shit about that filthy, dirty, slop-eatin', mud-wallerin' pig!

I have killed a woman!

By irresponsibly leaving my legs in the middle of the motel room... after making long, passionate love with the woman of my dreams.

You'll get over that pig, Odell.

I ain't ever gonna get over killing Peggy.

G.W., take it easy on yourself, buddy.

She tripped on your legs on the way to the bathroom.

It was an accident. It's not your fault. It could have happened to anybody.

You mean anybody with two wooden legs. Shut up.

Well, they are, Wardell. Shit.

I want to remember Mama the way I want to remember her.

Not shacked up in a motel with a seedy lowlife with two wooden legs.

Ooh, apple pie.

Do you want a piece? No, not right now.

Maybe in a little while.

How's Ty? Is he still out in Los Angeles?

Uh-huh. Too busy to come to his one and only grandmother's funeral.

My grandmother died yesterday... and I do not want to go back down to the funeral.

Maybe that's why I'm here.

I just can't be who I am down there.

At least here I can choose to be in the places where I can be who I am.

Down there I'll have to butch it up.

I just get so tired of butching it up.

I mean, not that I'm a big, old girl or anything... but, you know, it's Texas.

Rednecks.

For the life of me, I never understood that boy.

Mmm, this pie is good.

Who made this? Evelyn Crawley.

Oh, maybe I will have a little piece after all.

I swear, I'm gonna get as big as Vera Lisso without my nicotine.

Oh, my Lord. I saw Vera today.

I stopped by the Corner Stop to get a cold drink.

I had a craving for something sweet.

My Lord, she's gotten big. You could move in.

Well, I almost didn't recognize her.

Do you know that she can't even stand up behind that cash register no more?

They had to put in a bar stool for her to sit on.

And Leticia Bustamante, that sweet, little Mexican girl that stocks the shelves... told me that Tom Ed had to reinforce that stool with lug nuts.

I swear!

Oh, Vera's so sweet though.

She used to always slip me a few extra Green Stamps.

And she never bothers to look at the expiration date on my coupons.

She's my best friend.

But why on God's green Earth would anyone let themselves get that big?

Well, she says it's glandular.

Glandular.

Oh! Oh, I saw Ty's Alpo commercial... the one where the dog licks his face.

Ooh, that is real cute. He is so good-lookin'.

Y'all must be proud. Well, we're not.

When I got off the soap, I rebelled... and started seeking out gay roles.

I was always so scared to play gay.

Scared someone would... you know, suspect.

After he got off the soap opera, he started doing theater, Sissy.

Awful. Awful stuff.

I got this play in this tiny, little theater known for doing gay plays.

Male nudity, the works.

Every night the theater was just packed. It was just one big, old homo hoedown.

He calls it art.

I call it trash. Did this one play-- begged me and Wilson to come out to Los Angeles and see him in it.

Well, I was just dying to see Bernadette Peters in Annie Get Your Gun.

So I talked Wilson into going out there.

The play was called--

Oh, I forget the name.

Some musical term. Allegro. Allegre.

Crescendo? No.

Whatever it was, it had nothing whatsoever to do with the subject matter.

And I invited my parents...

Latrelle and Wilson.

Oh, God. What was I thinking?

Anyhow, the play was going along all nice-like.

And, all of a sudden, my son... walks out on the stage... naked.

Buck naked, Sissy. Oh, sweetJesus. Naked?

And you could see everything.

His tallywhacker?

Everything.

It was the single, bravest moment of my life though.

Came out on the stage completely, balls-out naked.

Hidin'nothin Nothin

Then, all of a sudden, these other boys... start parading out naked too.

And they start touching each other... sexual-like.

I mean, there was dim lighting and all, but the provocative movements... the illusion was complete, thank you very much.

And he was playing a homosexual.

I had come out to my parents.

Or so I thought.

Wilson walked out early on.

I just looked down at my lap till it was over.

I have never been so humiliated in all my life.

Oh, and you know what he had the audacity to do?

Came up to us after and said...

""So, what did you think?''

What did I think? What was I supposed to think?

I just stared at him with my mouth open.

And then he said, ""Okay. Let's go get some dinner.''

All through dinner we just talked about nothin'.

Absolutely nothin'.

Wilson said we're not ever going back to Los Angeles.

Said it was worse than Dallas.

I raised him better than that, Sissy.

I did. Oh, and on top of everything... when we went to see Annie Get Your Gun the next night...

Bernadette Peters had lost her voice.

And this other girl that I never heard of in my life did the role of Annie Oakley... who they said had once had a part in The Bold and the Beautiful... but I certainly didn't remember her.

The entire trip was one big bust.

Well, that's too bad.

Oh, shit. Ty.

Sara? Hi. Um--

I didn't see you there. Liar.

So, what are you doing here?

Getting my head shrunk. You think you're the only one who's screwed up?

Well, I'm coming back in two hours, double session. So I win.

How long have you been coming here?

This is my first session.

You know, I hop around with these guys.

Yeah. Yeah. I remember.

Maybe you ought to explore that, you know, see what it's about.

I've been coming here about six months now. She's great.

So, um, how you been?

W-W-What have you been up to?

Oh, you know, same old, same old.

Auditions, struggling, waiting tables.

You know, after you kicked me to the curb... and broke my heart into a million pieces...

I just started doing anything I could.

I have finally finished my musical.

Yeah. I'm showcasing it over at Theater/Theater.

Well, that's great.

You're angry. Look, I am not angry, okay?

I know. Sara, I'm sorry. No. I mean, I am so over it.

You said you'd call, keep in touch. You didn't.

Sara, I-- Didn't return my calls. So I just put you in my-- in my loser/flake file.

I'm sorry.

Dr. Applegate keeps telling me to get in touch with my real feelings... and to tell the truth to myself and other people.

So, that's what I'm doing lately.

Maybe she can help you do the same.

But after that trip, I called him, and I told him:

"If you're gonna play a homosexual, don't waste it on theater.

""Win an Academy Award, for God's sake, like...

""that famous actor in that Spider Woman movie...

""or Tom Hanks in that other thing that I didn't particularly care for.

But don't waste it on--'" Noleta.

That's LaVonda.

Morning, Miss Hinkle. Oh, hi.

Oh, Lord. Noleta!

You're gonna back me on this mink stole thing.

Well-- Thank you.

It's me.

I can't believe how she dresses.

In public.

Getting an eyeful, honey? Struttin'like a bally rooster.

-Well? -Well, what, Latrelle? Oh, hello, Sissy.

How you doing, shug? I'm fine.

Where's the stole, LaVonda? On Mama, where it belongs.

Ooh-ee, look at all this food.

You're just doing this out of spite, LaVonda Jane.

Mama's gonna look like a fool wearing that fur in all this heat.

Noleta came by and brought a tuna casserole, and I refrigerated it.

She's real worried how this is gonna affect y'all's friendship.

She kicked G.W. out, and I gave her some Valium.

That's sweet. You mean it's true?

Of course it's true. There's a police record on it and everything.

Why wouldn't you think it was true?

This ain't gonna affect our friendship.

Well, I told her that, but she's real worried.

You ought to go see her. I can't believe it.

Did they arrest G.W.? For what? Leaving two wooden legs in the wrong place?

No. They just had to investigate, you know... given the circumstances and all.

I read the coroner's report.

Mama hit her head on the sink... and the blow caused her brain to be flooded with blood.

She internally hemorrhaged to death. Oh.

Subdural hematoma is what they called it.

Oh. Bless her heart.

They say she never suffered.

I just think Sister felt cooped up all those years with your daddy.

You know how he was.

She just, you know, had needs. Needs?

Yes, needs, Latrelle. Some of us have needs.

It's run in this family.

Although, I'm quite convinced it must have skipped a gene or something when you was born.

I have needs too, I'll have you know.

I just don't make mine public.

Well, I don't recall any of mine being made in a public place, Latrelle.

Unfortunately, I can't say the same.

You are awful. Guilty.

Our one and only mama has died... by tripping over two wooden legs and hitting her head on the sink in a seedy motel room... where she was committing adultery, and y'all are laughing.!

I don't think it's funny.!

Oh, Latrelle.

No! Leave me alone.

I thought you were gonna back me on this.

Well, I'm sorry, hon... but I believe all these decisions ought to be made by Sister's kids.

I just decided that--just decided it right this very minute on the spot.

Fine.

Well then, I should be in charge, and I should make all major decisions.

Bullshit.

We should all get an equal vote. Sissy, you ought to get a vote too.

You've always been more like a sister to us than an aunt.

I don't really want a vote.

And Brother Boy should get a vote.

Of course, it's hard to vote when you're locked up in a loony bin.

Can't argue with that. Would you stop?

I have enough on my mind without you bringing up Brother Boy.

Hmm, dead. Got out. Don't know how.

Dead. Faggot.

Shoo, Bumper!

Lord!

Just ignore him, honey. I know I do.

Send him in please, Ethel.

Yes, ma'am.

It'll all turn out, sweetie.

Oh.

Well, I did it.

I walked right down that hall without my hair on.

I feel naked but I did it.

How are you, Dr. Eve?

Oh, good for you, Earl.

Oh, I'm fine. Sit, please.

That mean security guard Bumper was catcalling at me... but I did exactly what you assigned me to do.

I came in here with one less item of female attire.

That is if you can count a wig as attire.

Good for you.

I am so proud of you.

Well, thank you.

I washed and set this an hour before my appointment.

So I'd have just enough time to dry it up under my portable... but I would not have time to finish fixing it.

So I'd have to bring it here to my session to put the finishing touches on it... beings as I got a show after this in the rec room.

Can't disappoint my fans. They're crazy, but they're loyal.

They're always there.

Maybe that's because they're locked up and don't have anywhere else to go.

That was a joke. Okay.

I caught your last show.

Woo! That was a little bit out of control.

Usually I perform after the patients have been medicated.

If you'd talk to NurseJackson, tell her that was a much better system, I'd sure appreciate it.

I'll see what I can do.

This is a big step, Earl. Very big.

You coming in without the wig on, I believe we have made some progress.

I gotta tell ya, I feel a little bit like a whore in church.

You look a little bit like one too.

That was just another little joke.

Okay.

No offense. None taken. Listen, Dr. Eve... how long is this gonna take?

It's a regular session, about 45 minutes. No, no, no.

This whole dehomosexualization thing.

Because it just seems to be going at a very slow pace.

Well, Earl,you really haven't been participating in your own recovery.

I don't have a magic wand. I do.

In a drawer back in my room somewhere. I got it when I was little.

I used to pretend that I was Glinda the Good Witch. Earl!

What? Could we please just stay with our session this time?

So sorry. But, you know, Dr. Eve...

I resent-- I resent you saying that I am not participating in my own recovery.

I walked right down that hall without my hair on.

Came in here looking like something the cat drug in.

Yes, I know. And that's good, but, Earl... in three months, 68 sessions, this is your very first effort.

Well, I don't like to rush into things.

And in my own defense, you did say I have a severe case of homosexuality.

It's one of the worst I've ever seen.

And with the transvestism-- well, it's very, very complicated.

-Well, I am well aware of that, Dr. Eve. -Now... did you try my masturbation exercises?

Yes I did. How did that go?

Well, I--

I did exactly what you asked me to do.

I started masturbatin' by fantasizing about a man.

I thought about Wardell from back home. Of course you did.

Then I switched to a woman.

Good. Good.

Well, at first I-- I couldn't decide who to use.

I thought about using Tammy Wynette, but, oh, that did not seem right.

I mean, you know, with her gone, it just-- it's evil and wrong.

Well, Earl, fantasies are very healthy. Well, not with dead people.

But there doesn't have to be anything evil or wrong about sex.

Well, that's not what my mama told me, missy.

I miss my mama.

Um--

I haven't seen Mama in six months... and four whole days.

My sister LaVonda's been coming out here to see me.

I know. We've had several conversations, and we need to talk about your mama, but not... till the end of the session. My sister LaVonda's wanting to get me out of here.

I know that, but you're not ready yet. When will I be ready?

I've been here for 23 years.

Brother Boy thought he was Tammy Wynette the last time I seen him.

About a year ago. Before that it was Loretta.

Didn't he used to do Kitty Wells too, way back when?

Oh, my God. I had forgotten about that.

""It Wasn't God Who Made Honky Tonk Angels.''

That is a good song. Mm-hmm.

You know, somebody ought to redo that.

I believe that Trisha Yearwood could just sing the shit out of that song.

You eat with that mouth too? Mostly.

Loretta was always my favorite though.

I swear, in that getup and that big, ol' white gown...

Brother Boy was her spittin' image.

You know, Sissy Spacek could not hold a candle to Brother Boy's Loretta.

Mm-mmm. No. She could not.

When he'd pretend to sing along to those records, you almost forgot.

Lord, he could tear up ""You Ain't Woman Enough.''

Woo-hoo. I gotta tell you... about the only thing that has kept me sane... has been my career.

My country queens.

Kitty and Loretta. Then Tammy came along.

Lord, I felt like I had found my soul mate.

I followed her rise all the way to the top.

She had such a rough life.

Oh. Illness after illness and financial woes.

And George Jones was a drunk.

Mm. Tortured genius.

Earl. Then they exhumed her.

Earl.! What ever happened to ""rest in peace''? Just dug her up.

Earl, please!

You always do this. Oh.

You get extremely sidetracked in our sessions, and I truly believe... it's so you won't have to face the truth.

You are living your life vicariously through Tammy Wynette... and that is just not healthy. Well, somebody has got to carry on the legacy.

Now that-- Now that she's gone.

Earl, you've been doing this for over 20 years.

What was your excuse before she died?

My mind's a blank.

Well, it has to stop. It's just not healthy.

It gets me through this hell.

All right? Locked up here with a bunch of Looney Tunes like I'm crazy?

Tammy Wynette gets me through life, Dr. Eve.

And now you're trying to take her precious, precious, precious memory away from me.

I just--

I don't think I can take it.

Oh, you remember that year that Brother Boy was in the Christmas pageant?

Oh, Lord, yes. He couldn't have been more than five or six.

And he talked Wanda Jean Hilltop into switching parts with him.

And Wanda Jean showed up as a shepherd, and Brother Boy prissed in as the Virgin Mary.

Oh, well, honey... you know that Wanda Jean lives with a woman over in Abilene... and she delivers for the UPS.

Oh, it all tracks back.

Who cares? Me and Sissy.

Why? 'Cause he's my baby brother, Latrelle.

And I want to get him out. Out?

Let's go back to the masturbation exercises, shall we?

Okay.

Now, when you switched to a woman, who did you fantasize about?

You.

I masturbated... and I fantasized about you.

Oh.

Well.

Well, well, well.

My. Thank you.

Well, actually, it didn't turn out so good.

When I switched over to you, I got kind of nauseous... and, uh, I don't mean to be ugly, but--

It sort of went south, if you know what I mean.

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's okay. Don't worry about it.

So, did you try again? No. I threw up.

Then I wasn't in the mood no more.

You know, Dr. Eve, I think next time I'm gonna masturbate... and I'm gonna fantasize about a woman that's a little bit more masculine.

Um, oh! How about, uh-- What's her name?

Oh, Miss Jane Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies. She's kind of manly.

Earl, that is not the point.!

Well, I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure what the point is.

The point is for you to start fantasizing about a woman.

A real woman. A woman who is feminine and sexy and all woman.

Not some butch stick of a woman like Miss Jane Hathaway... who could be a man in drag, for all we know.

Well, I don't know about that. I don't think a man in drag would go out looking that bad.

I mean, even when Jethro portrayed Jethrine.

Oh.

I don't know what to do with you anymore, Earl.

I'm at my rope's end. I try and I try to make progress-- and nothing!

You are not participating in your own recovery!

I called the institution this morning. You what?

You called 'em? Called 'em. He needs to know about Mama.

They said that now that Mama was dead that you and me are responsible.

If we sign the proper papers, we can get him out. He can live with me.

I just think that he ought to be here for his own mama's funeral.

I think LaVonda might be right.

Well, I don't. We can't have Brother Boy at the funeral. He'll be a spectacle.

Mama's death is enough of an embarrassment without having Brother Boy at the funeral.

In case you're forgetting, he's crazy. Brother Boy is not crazy.

There's something wrong with him up here, and you know it.

I'm not sure what's wrong with him is up there.

The only thing wrong with him, if it's wrong... is that he likes to dress up like a woman.

That's wrong. According to who, Latrelle?

According to the Bible. According to God.

Off and runnin'. You mean to tell me that there is a scripture that says... men shalt not dress up in women's clothes? Y'all!

Maybe you're the crazy one, Latrelle. LaVonda!

I'm not the one who wants to bury a woman in a mink stole in the middle of a heat wave.

Mama loved that stole, Latrelle. Yes. And she had the good fashion sense... not to wear it in the summertime.

Sissy.! Sissy.!

Say something! I thought you were on my side!

I am not on anybody's side!

I don't care, quite frankly!

I am trying to quit smokin'!

And the two of you are gettin' on my nerves!

And my arm hurts.

It don't matter if Sister wears that mink stole or not... because she is dead.

And she's gonna be buried shortly... and everybody will just forget about it in no time flat anyway.

It don't matter!

So just hush up!

Both of ya!

You wanna know why she don't want Mama buried in that stole?

No! I don't want to know!

'Cause she wants it for herself.

Why would I, of all people, want that mangy, old mink stole?

It's an antique and it's valuable.

And that stole is in real good shape.

Please. Don't try to deny it, Latrelle.

Although, that is your specialty, if I'm not mistaken: Denial.

What are you talking about? Denial. Denial about what?

Denial about everything. About how Mama died.

And about why you want to keep Brother Boy cooped up like some damn animal.

And why is that, pray tell? Never mind.

No, I want to hear this.

Look, all I am saying is that--

You know how close me and Ty are-- Don't you dare... bring my son into this sordid picture.

What does my son have to do with this?

All I'm saying is that Ty has more in common with Brother Boy... than you're willing to admit. Oh, Lord.

I think you blame Brother Boy for the way Ty is.

Ty isn't anything. So you just shut your mouth about my son.

I went out to L.A. to see a play he was in.

You did what? I went out to L.A.

To see Staccato. Opening night.

And he was real good.

Sissy, the play was spectacular.

It was very... sensuous... with a powerful message.

And I went out afterwards with Ty and the all-male cast, and we went to an all-male bar.

-That's when he told me. -My son is not a homosexual! So shut up.

I don't wanna hear this. You're in denial, Latrelle.

I am not in denial. Would you quit saying I'm in denial?

I am not in denial. All right. I'll quit saying it!

But it ain't gonna change the truth. I don't wanna hear the truth!

Did you ever think I don't wanna know the truth?


Hey. Hey.

Shh.

It's okay. Oh.

I'm sorry.

Well, I never would have quit smoking if I'd have known Sister was going to die.

♪ I was standing

♪ By my window

♪ On one cold

♪ And cloudy day

♪ When I saw the hearse

♪ Come rolling

♪ For to carry

♪ My sister away

♪ Will the circle

♪ Be unbroken

♪ By and by, Lord

♪ By and by

♪ There's a better home

♪ Awaiting

♪ In the sky, Lord

♪ In the sky

♪ I will follow

♪ Close behind her

♪ Try to hold on

♪ And be brave

♪ But I cannot

♪ Hide my sorrow

♪ When they lay her

♪ In her grave

♪ Will the circle

♪ Be unbroken

♪ By and by, Lord

♪ By and by

♪ There's a better home

♪ Awaiting

♪ In the sky, Lord

♪ In

♪ The sky

When I was on the soap, I'd do interviews, you know, press.

And I did this one with this hysterically funny, queeny guy... from Soap Opera Digest.

I don't know. I-I dropped my guard.

Started being, you know, me.

Suddenly we were just laughing, talking about Madonna's new ""Ray of Light'' video.

You know, her new black hair.

And had she had plastic surgery or not, 'cause she looked so great... or was it just her newfound spirituality and motherhood agreeing with her... or just good lighting?

Well, this is not a conversation that a couple of straight men would be having.

And he leaned in to me, and he said...

""I'm glad you're one of us.''

I just looked at him... and realized I had fucked up.

So I put it back on, you know, the butch thing.

And I said, ""I don't know what you're talking about.''

And he just said, ""That's okay.

I understand.''

""That's okay. I understand.''

Well, they do not understand down there.

Do you know what you're doing to me? No.

I have a book deal, pending on my success with you.

Ooh. Simon & Schuster.

And you're my ace in the hole, Earl.

If I can dehomosexualize you, I can dehomosexualize anyone.

That would mean my theory works.

And I'd be famous. I'll be on talk shows.

But you're not helping me, Earl.!

Well, I tried.

I did them stupid masturbation exercises.

I can't help it if you don't float my boat.

And I walked right down that hall without my hair on... everybody catcalling at me, making fun.

Just-Just looking like some kind of a damn fool.

You always look like a fool.

Well, that's not very nice.

""Nice.'' ""Nice.''

I don't give a shit about ""nice,'' Earl.

I am on a deadline. This has got to work, so I can get the hell out of this shithole... and get on Oprah.

Is-- Is that so complicated?

Is that too much to ask for?

No. Can you just get that through your head?

Or has the heat from all the wigs all these years caused you some kind of brain damage?

Oh, you're starting to scare me.

And I don't particularly care being called a fool.

I need a tissue. No!

And don't start blubbering again, because I am not in the mood.

Well, I just... don't... consider myself a fool, Dr. Eve.

I consider myself a lot of things... but I do not consider myself a fool.

His name was Ben Flack.

The guy from Soap Opera Digest.

Oh, Ben just loved our show.

Kind of became a friend of the cast. He'd come and hang out at the set... and parties and stuff.

But he stopped coming around, and my friend Bobbie Eaves-- she played my fiancée on the show-- won the Emmy-- 'cause they killed me off.

She got to play grief for six months.

Anyway, Bobbie told me that Ben was sick.

And he didn't want any of us to come to see him, so I sent him a card...

just telling him that I missed seeing him around and...

just hoped he was feeling better.

The new meds... they don't work for everyone, you know.

And he wrote me back.

He said, ""Ty Williamson...

""You're a beautiful man.

""So talented.

""Your soul runs deep...

""and you ain't hard on the eyes either.

I'm glad I knew you. Love, Ben.''

""Glad I knew you.''

Past tense.

""P.S., come out, come out wherever you are and get happy.''

But I can't.

'Cause I care too much.

Especially down there in Texas.

Why do I care?

Why the fuck do I care?

I'll tell you another thing I can't get off of my mind.

Oh, hell. That eleven-hundred pound man.

I swear to Christ, if you tell that one again...

I'm gonna beat you half to death.

They had to rescue him--

Put your hands over your heads and don't anybody make a move!

Right now! Move it!

Noleta, what the hell you think you're doing, woman?

We just watched Thelma and Louise and we're pissed.

-At men. -All men! Especially the three of y'all.

Hey,Juanita. Hey, sugar. How you doing?

What are you pissed at me for? What'd I ever do?

You live and breathe, Odell. So just shut up and stop asking questions.

We'll ask the questions, okay? Okay!

You make me sick, G.W. Just lookin' at you makes me wanna kill you dead.

Come on, Noleta. Now-- It's Thelma!

I thought I was Thelma. No. Thelma's the one with the shitty husband.

Hey, I said hands over your head, G.W.

You too, Wardell! I mean it. Now.

Okay. Okay. Well, hello there, Wardell.

Hi, LaVonda. You're lookin' good.

Yeah? Well, I work at it.

You and your nitwit brother over there beat up any queers lately?

Hey, I ain't no nitwit. Liar!

Y'all are drunk. No shit. And I'm on Valium too.

Thirty-two-O-nine. Thirty-two-O-nine.

Thirty-two-O-nine. Thirty-two-O-nine.

Thirty-two-O-nine. Thirty-two-O-nine.

Thirty-two-O-nine. Thirty-two-O-nine.

Thirty-two-O-nine. Thirty-two-O-nine.

LaVonda, I feel real bad over that incident with Brother Boy.

Ohh. You feel bad, huh? Yeah.

He feels bad. Bad.

You feel bad and he's rotting in a crazy farm because of you!

Well, big deal, Wardell. It's time to get even.

That happened over 20 years ago! I don't wanna hear about it... so you just shut the hell up.

And I mean it. Okay. Okay. Don't shoot.

I don't like this. I don't know why you boys are peeing in your Wranglers.

Them guns ain't loaded.

And even if they was, they wouldn't have the gumption to shoot.

Whoo-hoo-hoo! In the words ofThelma, ""I think I got a knack for this shit.''

Oh. You sure do That was a nice shot, Thelma.

Thanks, Louise, but I was aiming for his head.

Now, come on, Noleta. It's Thelma, you shithead!

Okay! Okay! Thelma then!

Now, listen. I know I messed up, but what you gotta understand... is that I wasn't exactly getting what a man needs at home.

What? Uh-oh.

Ooh. I hope you're not gonna try to justify your actions, G.W....

'cause, buddy boy, you don't have a leg to stand on.

Except them wooden ones. Oh! That's a good one!

That's a good one. What we need to do, you and I--

Shut up until I say otherwise...

'cause I have something I gotta say.

Why'd you do it, G.W.?

-That's what I'm trying to-- -Don't answer that.Just think about it.

Do you know what it feels like to be humiliated?

-Just-- -Don't answer that!Just think about it!

Well, I do. I can't even go out in my own hometown anymore, because everyone knows.

Everybody's out there pointing and whispering.

""There she is. Poor pitiful thing. Bless her heart.''

God! White trash even feel sorry for me.

That's true. That's very, very true.

I mean, everybody knows that you were carrying on with my best friend's mother.

And that coulda really ruined me and LaVonda's friendship, you know?

Did you think about that?

-I-- -Don't answer that!Just think about it!

But it didn't. And you know why?

Because we're big enough not to let it.

Mm. You got that right. Ooh. You know, he shouldn't have said that.

What'd you say? I said... you're certainly big enough.

Why do you think I did it? You got as big as a barn.

And who the hell wants to climb that mountain?

I am on a diet, you asshole!

That's it! Take off your shirt! What?

Take off your damn shirt. I mean it. I'll blow your head right off. Okay. Okay.

You too, boys. Take off your shirts.

What are y'all doing? Getting even. What the hell are you waitin' on, Odell?

Okay! Okay!

Oh! This is gettin' good. That one. Take off that one too.

No. What this is gettin' is ridiculous.

Ridiculous? You wanna hear ridiculous?

Okay. It's ridiculous... for you to bitch about my weight... when you go around lookin' like you're six months pregnant!

I mean, look at that gut, LaVonda! Lord.

It's time to butcher that hog. He's sucking in too.

I raised your kids, G.W.

I was as faithful as the day was long.

Cooked you supper every night.

And you just shit all over our wedding vows.

You just shit all over 'em!

And I've lost weight! We did Jenny Craig's, lost 42 pounds.

Forty-two goddamn pounds.!

And he didn't even notice! Never even said one thing!

Yeah, well, that'd kinda be like the Titanic losing a couple of deck chairs.

You know, you really are a shit, G.W.

Hold this for me. I just wonder what my mama saw in your sorry ass anyway.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Damn!

Too late. Take off your pants, G.W.

What? I ain't gonna--

Take off your goddamn pants!

Whoo! Aah!

I'd take 'em off if I was you.

Okay. Okay.

I'm taking 'em off. Shit.

You too, boys. Quit your grinnin' and drop your linens.

What did I do to deserve this? You ruined my brother's life.

You and this nitwit brother of yours. So just take 'em off!.

I ain't no nitwit. I don't much appreciate you callin' me that.

How about half-wit?

I don't like that either. Okay.

There. You satisfied?

You ain't satisfied me in years.

This ain't right, LaVonda. I loved you, Wardell.

You had to go and ruin it by beating the shit out of Brother Boy.

I beat the shit out of Brother Boy because you told me he was in love with me.

You know what my mama said the day the sheriff brought him home all beat to a pulp?

Huh? Do ya? No, I don't.

She said, ""Well, this just proves my point.

""He can't live in regular society like a normal human being.

'cause it's just too dangerous.''

And the very next day... her and Daddy drove him over to Big Spring... and signed the papers for him to rot in that crazy farm.

You ruined his life, Wardell!

So what do you wanna talk about now?

What are you doing, Dr. Eve?

More therapy.

What are you thinking right now, Earl?

I was wondering where you got that bra.

I want you to fuck me, Earl, because quite frankly I think it's time you fuck a woman.

Oh, dear sweetJesus. No, I don't think I can. Come on.

Yes. You can.Just like that little engine that could. Say it, Earl. ""I think I can.''

I think I can. I think I can. That's it.

Now, let's go. Fuck me! Oh, I don't think I can!

Yes,you can, Earl. I can change any man.

Just look at these, Earl. Just look at 'em.

Ohh. Do you have any Mylanta?

Fuck me, Earl. Fuck me now! Oh, my God, Dr. Eve!

You don't have on any panties! I know. Now take yours off... and fuck me, Earl, fuck me.

No, I can't. I can't because I-I'm about to throw up.

I'd throw up all over you. I had enchiladas for lunch. Oh!

Oh, shit! You are just one hopeless pathetic freak!

Shit!

Oh, now, come on, boys. You can do better than that.

Put your arms around each other. Act like you love one another. Come on.

That's good. That's good. Yeah. Get in there.

Okay.

G.W., look longingly into Wardell's eyes... like you did with that tramp you cheated on me with.

Hey. That was my mama.

I'm sorry. Do it, G.W.!

Ohh. Oh, these are good! Oh, honey.

They sure are!

Shit. Are we done yet?

Almost.Just as soon as you reach over and kiss Odell on the mouth.

Okay. That's it.

Just shoot me. Go ahead. Just kill me dead right here and now... because I'll be damned if I'm gonna kiss Odell.

Shut up, G.W., and take your punishment like a man!

Like a man? Like a man?

That would be a little hard to do, Wardell, while wearing a black brassiere!

You made your bed, so why don't you just by God lay in it?

Maybe she's doing you a favor, did you ever think of that?

A favor? What the hell are you talking about? A favor?

What I'm saying is at least she's getting even right after it happened.

I beat the shit out of my little homo best friend... sent him packing to the loony bin for the rest of his life... and I have been carrying that guilt for some 20-odd years now.

Wish you had done this sooner, LaVonda.

Maybe by now my life would be just a little bit better.

And maybe your life will be better too... for wearing that pretty little lacy black brassiere.

That is all I'm saying.

What can I do, LaVonda? Huh?

What can I do to make it better?

What can I do for you?

Shit. What can I do for Brother Boy?

There's gotta be something I can do. Just please tell me what.

There ain't nothing you can do, Wardell.

Not now.

I-I'm so sorry. Yeah. Yeah?

Well, I just wish Brother Boy knew.

Yeah. Me too.

Well, I think we have done some good here today.

I feel like I've been to church.

Amen. PraiseJesus.

Let me get my pictures. You feed the jukebox.

It's time for a little dancin'! Aha.

Dancing? These are good.

Here's a good un. You boys are real photogenic.

Okay, G.W. You and Odell dance and then we'll be gone.

Son of a bitch.

♪ Sometimes it's hard I'll be the man.

To be a woman Lookin' like that?

Givin'all your love You know...

Tojust one man he never took me dancing.

Not once.

And that hurts. Men!

Okay, Wardell.

Ask Odell if you can cut in.

Go ahead on. It'll ease that guilt.

All right. And I'll gladly do it.

Odell. Can I cut in? Yeah?

Sure thing. Oh, shit.

♪ But if you love him I had to do it, Wardell.

For Brother Boy. I'm glad you did.

I feel better now. Oh, for shit's sake.

Hey, Louise.! Yeah, Thelma?

Hey, let's go on over to Tiny's Liquors and stick him up.

He short-changed me last week. Why that son of a bitch.

Let's go. No! Wait! Girls!

I'll drive the getaway car.

Y'all are drunk.

Well, come on, honey.! Get on out there. Can you drive a stick?

You better believe it!

There's Bitsy.!

Damn. Oh, hey.

Oh, shit.

I ain't saying a word.

To each his own, Odell.

I'm never gonna get out of here, am I?

Shut up.! Damn sob sister.

They're never gonna let me outta here.

I can't pass any of your tests.

If you can't be homosexual as me, they're never gonna let me out of here.

Nope. You're stuck.

Stuck here forever.

Mm.Just like me.

Stuck here forever.

Like a monkey in a zoo.

I really don't see anything funny, Dr. Eve.

Oh, well, I do.

Oh.

I almost forgot. Your mama died.

What?

What?

Your mama died.

My mama's dead?

As a goddamn doornail.

Oh, my God.

My mama's dead.

Hmph. Well, I quit crying. I'm not even crying.

When Tammy Wynette died, I sobbed like a baby for days and days... but my mama's dead, I'm not even sad.

Why, Dr. Eve? Why?

Beats the hell outta me. Ohh.

Okay. Session's over.

What?

You drop a bombshell on me, you tell me that my mama's dead, then just say, ""Session's over''?

Hey. I'm beat, okay?

You think this is easy? Now get your little monkey ass outta here.

And next time, please, make more of an effort with my masturbation exercises.

Yes, ma'am. And show up with no wig and no makeup.

It is time you start-- Participating in your own recovery.

Because I am at my rope's end with you, Earl. I'm fed up!

Do you understand? Yes, ma'am.

I'm, uh--

I'm sorry. I-I'm so sorry.

Uh, I'm gonna do my best.

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What did you say?

I said, ""No.''

I'm not gonna do it, 'cause I don't understand--

I-- I'm not gonna show up wigless.

I'm not gonna show up without my face on.

And I sure as hell am not gonna do them stupid masturbation exercises... if I can't at least masturbate and fantasize about a woman that's manly!

You will if I say you will!

No! I won't!

And you can't make me.

I'm not doing nothing else you say, Dr. Eve.

Do you hear me? Nothing.

If I am stuck in this shithole for the rest of my life... then I am not participating in my own recovery.

And you can't make me.

And you wanna know my opinion?

I think you're nothing but a flat-out evil, bitter... mean, old, alcoholic sex fiend... who needs a lifetime of therapy herself!.

I'm in therapy, you little faggot!

Well, it ain't a-workin'!

Now, if you'll please excuse me...

I got a show to do!

♪ Now, when the Lord

♪ Dips us in the gene pool

♪ We get more

♪ Than Granny's green eyes

♪ We get Mama's warmth and our daddy's cool

♪ And that thing between our thighs

♪ That's the start of all this trouble

♪ In our sordid lives Ain't it a bitch Bitch!

♪ Sortin' out our sordid lives It's a bitch Bitch!

♪ When you come to realize

♪ Crack yourself a box of CrackerJack

♪ You could get a really shitty prize It's a bitch Bitch.!

♪ Sortin' out our sorry, little

♪ Sordid lives

Did you see Tiny's big ol' red face when I said...

""This is for short-changing me, asshole.''

Acted like he was gonna have a heart attack.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Need a drink.

Hey, hon. What you in for?

I caught my husband cheatin' on me with my sister Jeanetta.

So when he went to sleep...

I got him hard... and super-glued his dick to his stomach.

He pressed charges. Mm-mm-mmm.

You, what are you gonna do if your ears... your eyes fail you?

You're not gonna see or hear the signs of Satan.

It feels good.

I have a fish in my ear! I can't-- Help me! Please!

When you're staring face-to-face with Satan herself.

The Lord Jesus Christ, my personal savior-- We gonna have a show now!

Settle down, y'all!

You gonna let that boy into your heart. That's what you're gonna do.

Ladies and gentlemen... please make welcome the first lady of country music...

Miss Tammy Wynette!

Thank you. Thank y'all.

Thank you. It is so nice to be back here at the Opry tonight.

This one... is for George Jones.

♪ I'll need time

♪ To get you off my mind

♪ And I may sometimes bother you

♪ Try to be in touch with you

♪ Even ask too much of you

♪ From time to time

♪ Now and then

♪ Lord,you know I'll need a friend

♪ Till I get used to losin'you

♪ Let me keep on usin'you

♪ Till I can make it on my own

♪ I'll get by

♪ But no matter how I try

♪ There'll be times you know I'll call

♪ Chances are my tears will fall

♪ And I'll have no pride at all

] From time to--

Don't kill me, Daddy.! Everybody, hands up! Nobody move!

Daddy, don't kill me.! I mean it!

It's Jesus.! I told you he was coming.! It's Jesus!

Wardell? Brother Boy.

Oh, no! You--

My hair fell off. You can't-- Oh, my God. No. Don't look.

So this is Wardell. Um, I've heard a lot about you, Wardell.

Dr. Eve Bolinger.

What I need for you and everybody else is just to stand back... and stay calm till we're out of here so nobody'll get hurt.

I don't think I'd mind gettin' hurt by a big ol' handsome cowboy like yourself.

Back off, bitch. Excuse me?

No. You heard me.

You get your damn paws off of him and you get the hell on outta here.

Like I'm scared of you, you little monkey freak.

Hey! Don't talk to him like that.

Shoot her, Wardell. Shoot her in the head.

Go on! Git! Get the hell on outta here!

Brother Boy. Wardell.

I'm sorry. Ohh.

Uh-- It's-It's okay.

I'll never hurt you again.

And I won't let anybody else hurt you, either.

I'm taking you home now.

You're, um--

You're taking me home? That's right.

Dear sweet Jesus.

I'm going home.

Come on. Come on. Let's go.

You stay back.

Stay back! Bumper, grab him!

Come on! Give me the gun!

Come on! I know the way!

Hurry! Go on! Go! Keep runnin

Shit!

Hyah!

Where'd they go?

Hey.! Come back here,you little faggot.!

If I'd known you was comin', I'd have wore flats.

Come back here.! Oh!

Oh! Whoa!

Hey! Goddamn it.

Shit!

Here we go. Run, run, run! Fast! Run fast!

Stop or I'll shoot! Goddamn it!

Asshole! Ow.!

Do you see my pussy now? Ha!

Haul ass, Wardell.

After I left your office...

I just went home, laid down on the couch... and just started drifting, you know-- let my mind float from place to place.

And I just wondered what my life would have been like if I'd been honest with myself...

and everybody else.

That's when I decided I'm not going back down to my grandmother's funeral... basically because I'm gay and I don't wanna deal.

Then I started feeling guilty.

And I prayed.

I don't know why. I haven't prayed in years, but I asked for a sign.

You know, just like I did when I was a kid... back when I went to church-- when I believed.

And this feeling of peace...

of serenity... just swept over my entire body.

When I was a little boy...

I just loved church.

But I stopped going.

Because how do you embrace something that doesn't embrace you.

But lately...

I've been missing God.

So I finally prayed.

Then...

I just opened up my eyes and flipped on the TV.

Wizard of fuckin'Oz was on.

Right at the part where Glinda's singing, ""Come out, come out, wherever you are.''

I swear to God.

So I got up and I just went straight over to the theater.

- It was this quest. It was this spiritual quest.

♪ Helplessly I watch

♪ Both girls and guys cruise you

♪ So please, please don't be gay

♪ We don't wanna lose you Too late, honey.

It makes me sad-- Okay, kids. Let's take ten.

And then we start the second act run-through. That was great.

I wasn't flat? Not at all.

I got such a fuckin'headache? We got any Motrin?

I got some of that generic shit in my bag.

Sara?

Don't tell me. You've come to beg forgiveness, ask me to marry you... and we will run off and live happily ever after.

Look. I basically came by just to say that I'm sorry... and to tell you something.

Okay.

Sara, you are such a great girl.

I know.

And the reason that I broke up with you...

is be--

It wasn't-- Oh. I'm gay.

I know. You know?

Most people do.

Oh, God.

It's okay.

You're-You're Ty.

Okay. Look. So we can't run off together... have wild sex and get married.

Whatever.

But you know what really hurt me... is that you just dismissed me from your life.

And you have to understand, if someone loves you, Ty... they're not gonna toss you out just because you're gay...

because of who you are.

I'm so sorry.

You don't have to be. It's okay.

♪ I've wandered far

♪ Away from God

♪ Now I'm comin' home

♪ The paths of sin

♪ Too long I've trod

♪ Lord, I'm comin' home

♪ I've wasted many precious years

♪ Now I'm comin'home

♪ I repent

♪ With bitter tears

♪ Lord, I'm comin'home

♪ Comin'home,yeah

♪ I'm comin'home

♪ Nevermore to roam

♪ Open wide

♪ Thine arms oflove

♪ Lord, I'm comin'home

♪ Comin'home,yeah

♪ I'm comin'home

♪ Nevermore to roam

♪ Open wide

♪ Thine arms oflove

♪ Lord, I'm comin'home

♪ Comin'home

♪ Yeah, I'm comin' home

♪ Nevermore to roam

♪ Open wide thine arms of love

♪ Lord

♪ I'm comin'

♪ Home


Hey.

I guess you don't mind if I smoke.

It just wasn't the right time to quit, with you dyin' and all.

I only lasted three days.

I failed again.

But after five husbands, what else is new?

It has not been a good day, Sister.

And I am blaming you!

I am! I can't help it!

Now, you know that I am not one to judge.

And quite frankly, I was glad that you cut loose... and had some fun towards the end.

But I wish you had been more careful.

I mean, you turn on a light when you get up to go to the bathroom!

Especially in a strange motel room.

If you are gonna have affairs, you have got to be more careful!

Of course, this is useless information for you now.

I don't know why the hell I'm wasting my breath.

""Jesus called, Peggy answered.''

Ohh.

Oh, God.

You look real good.

I loved you, Sister.

I did. I do.

Sissy.! Oh! Good Lord, Latrelle!

Don't you have better sense than to yell at somebody when they're talkin' to a corpse?

We got a situation.

Mama's funeral starts in 30 minutes and LaVonda is in jail.

In jail? What on Earth for?

She and Noleta Nethercott held up Tiny's Liquor Store and they're both in jail.

Juanita Bartlett drove the getaway car.

She's in jail too. Oh, my Lord.

Now, I need you to get down there and bail her out.

Here. Nine-hundred dollars cash.

Had to go to the bank. Now go on.

Okay.

Aah! Wait! Come back!

Hurry!

You gotta help me get off this stole. Ohh.

♪ Get off the cross

♪ Honey, we need the wood

Peggy!

Peggy!

One, two, three.

I got it! I got it!

Good. Good job.

Now go get LaVonda.

Oh! Wait!

Take the stole, throw it in the trunk of your car. Go! Hurry!

I'm hurrying!

Get off the cross Peggy!

Ohh. Hey, G.W. How are you?

Peggy!

Quit that screaming right now, G.W.

-I'm gonna burn up my legs! -Show some respect, for crying out loud!

Burn the son of a bitches up! Quit using such vulgar language in the church house.

You're the only woman I ever loved. You are drunk. I want you out.

Peggy. Peggy. Now, go on.

I have no use for you, you understand?

Who the hell are you? I'm Latrelle.

Wha-- Peggy's good girl.

Oh, the tight-ass. Well, I'm gonna burn 'em up like firewood.

And don't you tell me I'm not, 'cause I am. Well!

I'm gonna douse them with lighter fluid... and light 'em up in front of God and Peggy... so she can witness it and see how sorry I am.

She can't witness anything, G.W., 'cause she's dead.

I know she's dead.

It's all on account of these sorry-ass legs of mine.

Sissy!

Baby...

I'm gonna do it for you, Peg.

Right now. You'll see.

No! No! Yes.! Yes.!

No! No! No, no, no! Oh, yes!

Oh, yeah. The day has been hard enough.

These damn childproof lighters. Damn! Now, go on! Git!

Go on! Get Noleta now!

Okay. I'll git. But first I wanna say something to Peggy, okay?

I wanna say my farewell... to the only woman I ever loved.

Okay. Well, you just go on now.

Make it quick, and I mean it.

Peggy, Peggy, Peggy...

Peggy, Peggy, Peggy, Peggy.

Peggy, Peggy, Peggy.

I can't think of nothing else to say.

It's probably for the best. Now, go on. Now, git.!

Can I have my lighter fluid back? No!

Now, you have a family to support, G.W.

Think of your family. You need your legs.

Now, go get Noleta out of jail. Go on!

Life is one big ol' pile of shit, Latrelle!

Well, he's right about that.

Ooh! I could just... kill you, Mama-- if you weren't already dead.

What got into you, Mama?

Why on Earth would you run around with the likes of Bitsy Mae Harling?

A convict!

And G.W. Nethercott... who just tried to set fire to his wooden legs in the church house... to make amends for killing you.

That is not a smart man, Mama.

You taught us not to cavort with trash like that.

How could you leave me in a quandary like this?

Mama?

Ty! I made it.

Oh, Ty. You did! I made it after all.

Oh, honey, thank you.

Oh. Let me look at you.

Are you okay? Okay?

Okay? No, Ty, I am not okay.

I have had a horrible, horrible day.

But you're here now. Things are lookin' up.

Mama, I'm gay.

You don't know what I've had to deal with... while you daddy's been off building houses for poor white trash... with Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter.

Your Aunt LaVonda? Held up a liquor store and is in jail.

Oh, aren't these flowers pretty? Did you hear me? I'm gay.

And I got the bail money to Sissy. Nine hundred dollars, which I better get back.

And we were able to pry that god-awful mink stole off your grandmother... that your Aunt LaVonda insisted that she wear in the heat of summer.

Mama! I'm gay.

I know you're gay!

I've known you're gay since you were five years old... and you wanted that doll Suzy Q for Christmas... instead of the dump truck your Daddy wanted to buy you.

I know you're gay, Ty. I've always known.

But could we please just bury your grandmother and get on with life? Could we?

Because I think I'm gonna explode any minute... if any more shit hits the fan today!

I've had 27 therapists and you knew... since I was five.

Did you just say ""shit''?

I did.

I did. And I said ""damn'' today too.

And ""hell'' and ""bitch'' and ""dookie''.

And you know what? I feel like saying more.

Damn. Hell. Bitch. Shit. Dookie!

Damn! Hell! Bitch! Okay. Mama, calm down.

Shit! Titty! Mama!

Thank you.

For what?

I don't know. Sewing those Slim labels on my Husky jeans.

Oh, Lord. I forgot all about that.

I didn't. Slim.

You were fatter than Baby Huey.

I know!

Ohh! You think... we fooled anyone with that?

No.

Ah. It feels good to laugh.

Yes. It does. I haven't laughed all day.

Me either.

Why'd you change those labels, Mama?

All I ever wanted for you was for you to be happy.

I couldn't make you happy.

And I blame Dr. McCright.

Dr. McCright? For what? For you being gay.

When I was pregnant with you, he gave me this drug that had estrogen in it... to keep me from miscarrying again.

I am positive that's what caused this.

Mama, I don't think that that's what caused this.

And I'm getting happy now, and I want you to know that.

Well, I'm glad someone is.

Well, uh, Nan Nan looks good.

Now.

Oh, Lord.

What she did to Brother Boy.

She would roll over in her grave... if she knew you were gay too.

That is, if she was in her grave.

Hey, Nan Nan.

Guess what. I'm gay!

Yup. Gay as a goose.

Oh! Stop it! Just as gay as Uncle Brother Boy.

Oh, you are not! Nobody's that gay.

So what is it exactly... that you... do.

What? You know.

When you're gay.

Oh, dear God.

I hope my mama isn't asking me about my sex life.

Well, if I have a gay son, I need to know about gay sex.

Well, then read a book, Mama!

I don't ask you what happens in the privacy of your bedroom!

I'll tell you exactly what happens.

Nothin'. No. No, no, no, no. No.

I am not about to explain gay sex... and the details of my own sex life to my mama in front of my grandmother's coffin.

You wanna step outside? No!

Oh! I-I'm not gonna discuss this with you. Period.

Well, fine. Be that way! You know, I will!

-Just trying to be open. You know, maybe I don't want you to be.


You've always been my special boy.

I never felt closer to anyone.

No one.

We always had that special bond.

Yeah. And, you know...

I'm not sure we woulda had that... if you weren't gay.

So...

I don't regret taking that drug... after I lost those other babies.

'Cause I can't imagine life without you, Ty.

I'm happy with who I am now, Mama.

Instead of blaming Dr. McCright, maybe we should just thank him.

Maybe.

But he's dead.

I love you, Mama.

I love you so, so much.

I love you too, baby.

So... are you the woman or the man?

Come on, LaVonda! Quit primping! They've already started!

♪ In the sweet by and by

♪ We shall meet on that beautiful Lord. Cover up your titties.

By and by By and by We shall meet on that beautiful shore Ty!

♪ On the shore In the sweet by and by Latrelle!

Oh, baby! Oh. I'm so glad you're here. We shall meet on that

♪ Beautiful shore

♪ Amen Yes, brethren.

We shall meet on that beautiful shore.

Praise Jesus. Praise the Lord.

Praise the Lord. Amen. Praise Jesus.

Today we are gathered here together... to pay our respects to... and celebrate the life of our beloved sister...

Peggy Sue Ingram.

Peggy was born February 26, 1 933... Who is that?

Bitsy Mae Harling.

Who? Bitsy!

...right here outside of Winters.

Peggy died July 23, 1999. Oh!

And at this time, Peggy's younger daughter...

Latre--

Latrelle. Latrelle... would like to say a few words in memory... of her dearly departed mother.

Thank you, Brother Barnes.

And, uh, thank y'all for coming here today.

What a nice turnout.

As many of you know, my mama was not right... for the last six months of her life.

Scootch over, honey. She abandoned her sense of morality and upbringing... and started running around with... riffraff.

Oh, Lord.

I took her to the doctor over in Snyder a few months ago... and they found a lemon-sized cancerous tumor on her brain.

No! Yes!

What'd she say? Un tumor.

It was inoperable and growing... rapidly.

Mama asked me to tell no one... and I kept her secret till now.

But it's time to clear your name, Mama.

What happened was the tumor grew... and it pressed up against... the-- well, the, uh... sexual part of her brain.

This is gonna make us look better?

The tumor turned my mama into a nymphomaniac.

She wasn't no nymphomaniac. I'll tell you that.

So I wanna ask on behalf of my grieving family... that y'all... forget... the circumstances surrounding Mama's death... and remember her for the good Christian woman that she was... before the tumor destroyed her health and her morality.

Thank you.

Thank you, Latrelle, for those... revelations.

Cancer can be so cruel.

Now I'd like to read--

Hey!

Can I say a few words too?

What's she doing?

She's gonna say a few words too.

This isn't open mike.

I... suppose so.

I had no idea about the tumor.

I am so sorry. But I got to tell you, Peggy touched my life-- the nymphomaniac Peggy... with all due respect.

We were close. Very close.

After we closed up at Bubba's...

I was all wound up after a big show and, well... me, Peggy,Juanita... sometimes G. W. over there-- Hi, G. W.

We'd all sit around, get drunk, sing hymns.

Lord, Lord, Lord.

This was Peggy's favorite hymn.

I'd like to sing it for her as she passes through those pearly gates to meet her maker.

""Just As I Am.'' Listen to the words.

They apply on so many levels.

I'm gonna wake up any minute now.

Excuse me, darlin'.

This is for you.

♪ Just as I am

♪ Without one plea

♪ But that thy blood

♪ Was shed for me

♪ And that thou bidst me

♪ To come to thee O Lamb of God I'm so glad you came.

♪ I come

♪ I come

♪ Just as I am

♪ Though tossed about

♪ With many a conflict

♪ Many a doubt

♪ Fightings within

Is-- Is that-- That's your Uncle Brother Boy.!

No! Latrelle, get back here!

Calm down. Stop it! Stop it! Stop it right now... or I am gonna knock you into next week!

But-- -Just shut up and sit down and you let him stay!

Mama, he's family.

Let him stay.

Okay.

Tough crowd.

Thanks, Wardell.

♪ Just as I am

♪ Though tossed about

♪ With many a conflict

♪ Many a doubt

♪ Fightings within

♪ And fears without

♪ O Lamb of God

♪ I come

♪ I come

Well, I guess you didn't think I was gonna make it... did you, Mama?

♪ Now, when the Lord

♪ Dips us in the gene pool

♪ We get more than Granny's green eyes

♪ We get Mama's warmth and our daddy's cool

♪ And that thing between our thighs

♪ That's the start of all this trouble

♪ In our sordid lives Ain't it a bitch Bitch

♪ Sortin'out our sordid lives It's a bitch Bitch

♪ When you come to realize

♪ Crack yourself a box of CrackerJack

♪ You could get a really shitty prize

♪ It's a bitch

♪ Sortin'out our sorry, little

♪ Sordid lives

I've never seen the inside of a barroom

♪ Or listened to a jukebox all night long

♪ But I see these are the things

♪ That bring you pleasure

♪ So I'm gonna make some changes in our home

♪ I've heard it said

♪ "If you can't beat 'em join 'em'"

♪ So if that's the way you've wanted me to be

♪ I'll change if it takes that to make you happy

♪ From now on you're gonna see a different me Oh! Here we go! Because

♪ Your good girl's gonna go bad

♪ I'm gonna be the swingingest swinger

♪ You've ever had

♪ If you like 'em painted up powdered up

♪ Then you oughta be glad 'cause your

♪ Good girl's gonna go bad Oh, you better believe it!

♪ I'll even learn to like the taste of whiskey In fact, you'll hardly recognize your wife Yeah!

♪ I'll buy some brand new clothes

♪ And dress up fancy

♪ For my journey to the wilder side of life

♪ Because your good girl's gonna go bad

♪ I'm gonna be the swingingest swinger

♪ You've ever had

♪ If you like 'em painted up powdered up

♪ Then you oughta be glad

♪ 'Cause your good girl's gonna go bad Yee-haw! Oh, yeah, your good girl's gonna go bad I could be available.

♪ I need to tell the truth

♪ I can't lie anymore

♪ I need to do what's right

♪ I know that's what my life is for

♪ I can't be quiet anymore

♪ About what I'm supposed to do

♪ I need to tell the truth

♪ And do what's right by you

♪ I need to speak my mind

♪ Let my heart run free

♪ Your pain will heal with time

♪ And one day you'll thank me

♪ And as I follow my dream

♪ And there is no room for you

♪ Just know there was no scheme

♪ It's just what I had to do

♪ Trust yourself

♪ You know all the answers

♪ Trust yourself

♪ You know what is right

♪ Trust yourself

♪ It's all there inside you

♪ They've been there forever

♪ Just show them some light


Hello?

Where is everybody?