Space Jam (1996) Script

Michael?

What are you doing out here, son? It's after midnight.

Couldn't sleep, Pops.

Well, neither can we, with all that noise you're making.

Come on, let's go inside.

Just one more shot?

All right. Just one.

Yeah.

That's good. Shoot it again.

Getting pretty good, son. Go ahead, shoot till you miss.

You think if I can get good enough, I can go to college?

Hey...

...if you get good enough, you can do anything you want to, Michael.

I want to play at North Carolina.

That's a real fine school. Real fine school.

You can get a first-class education there.

I want to play on a championship team.

Then I want to play in the NBA.

All right, let's slow down, son.

Don't you think you ought to get a little sleep first?

And once I've done all that... Uh-huh.

...I want to play baseball, just like you, Dad.

Baseball. Now, that's a sport.

And when you're finished with that, I suppose you're gonna fly, huh?


I just feel at this particular time...

...that I reached the, uh, pinnacle of my basketball career and I must retire.

The one good thing that comes out of this is that my father had the opportunity...

...to see me play my last basketball game, and that means a lot to me.

What are you gonna do now?

Well, I've never really told anybody this, except for one person, and, uh...

But I think I'm gonna go play professional baseball.

What position will you play? I don't know. As a kid, I was a pitcher.

I think that would be kind of hard for me to pitch, so I'm gonna play the outfield.


Woo-hoo!

Let's get out of here, Dad. This stinks.

Don't bring me here anymore, all right?

Don't bring me here anymore, all right? Are you listening?

Did you hear him? Did you hear him? That little brat is right.

I've told you, if I've told you once...

...I told you a thousand, thousand, thousand, thousand times.

We need new attractions.

Right. New ones.

Uh-huh.

Get it? Big, shiny new things, yeah.

Absolutely, sir. Look at me. Look at me and listen.

The customer is always right.

Right. The customer is always right.

Exactly.

Always.

Right.

Okay, we need something... My bad.

We need something...

...nutty. Nutty.

Something wacky. Wacky.

We need something, something... Something... We need something...

Looney? Oops.

Looney. Thank you.

Looney?

I'm an elk. Shoot me.

Yes. Looney. Yes.

Now you're talking. Looney. Looney. That's it.

That's the word I was looking for. Looney.

Get the Looney Tunes. Looney Tunes!

Bring them here. Sir. Just noticing, sir.

They're from Earth. What if they can't come?

What did you say? What if they can't come?

Make them. Cool.

Make them. Ha-ha-ha.

We're gonna go get them. Yeah. All right.

Strike!

Looks good in that uniform.

Looks great. Can't teach that.

Can't teach it.

Thanks for autographing that basketball for my kid. I'm a hero now.

No problem. Happy to do it, man.

Let's go!

Curve ball. Don't swing.

Don't swing.

Ball!

Fastball, outside corner. Swing.

Strike!

That was your pitch.

I know, I missed it.

Don't worry. I'll get you another one.

Podolak. Podolak, come here.

Sorry, I didn't mean to...

Come here. Yes, sir?

Make sure nobody bothers Michael. I want him to be the happiest player in the world.

The happiest.

Slider. Don't swing.

Strike three!

I told you not to swing.

I couldn't help it.

I understand. Hey, nice talking to you.

We're not worried. We're not worried.

Good job, Mike. Good hustle.

Good cut, Michael. Good cut.

That was a strikeout, Mike? Good-looking strikeout. Real good.

You look good when you strike out. When I strike out, it looks nasty, man.

At least you look good, man. Good-looking.

Hi, Mr. Jordan.

Mr. Jordan, I'm Stan Podolak...

Oh, jeez.

You all right? That was a nasty fall. Yeah.

Oh. I'm Stan Podolak, Mr. Jordan. I'm the Barons' new publicist.

I'm here to make your life easier. Want me to drive you somewhere?

Want me to pick up your laundry, babysit your kids? I will do it.

I am here to personally guarantee that no one will ever bother you.

What was that?

Hang on.

Hanging on. Hanging on.

BLANKO: Are we there yet?

Bombastic. Cool.

All right, you irascible bunny.

Come back here, you screwy rodent.

I'll, uh, be with you in a second, folks, after I finish with nature boy here.

All right, you pesky rabbit. I've got you now.

Ouch!

Hmm.

One small step for moi...

One giant leap for Moron Mountain.

And one whopper headache for Elmer Fudd.

Diminutive, ain't they?

We seek the one they call Bugs Bunny. Yeah, Bugs Bunny.

Have you seen him? Where is this guy?

Is he around?

Hmm. Bugs Bunny, Bugs Bunny.

Say, does he have, uh, great big long ears?

Like this? Yeah. Yeah.

And does he hop around like this?

Yeah. Well, uh...

...does he say, "What's up, doc?" Like this:

Eh, what's up, doc? Yeah!

Nope. Never heard of him.

You know, maybe there is no intelligent life out there in the universe after all.

Hold on there, Mr. Looney Tune.

Hey, what do you think we are, stupid?

Don't move a muscle.

Okay, bunny, gather up your Tune pals.

We're taking you for a ride. Ha, ha. NAWT: Move it, mister.

Totally. All right. So, like, where are we going?

Are we there yet?

Sorry it took so long. Don't worry.

That exit wasn't clearly marked. Hold up, right here.

What, here? Yes.

Thanks for the ride, Sherm. Appreciate it.

It's Stan, Mike. Sorry.

But you can call me Sherm if you want to. I've followed your whole career.

You're the greatest athlete that's ever lived. Stan, Stan, Stan.

How do I get out? The door doesn't work.

I'm sorry. I forgot... It's a classic. Oh, yeah.

It's a classic, but it's got a few peccadilloes. Hold on just a second.

A few, huh? It's smoking, too, man. You need to get that checked.

Thanks for the ride.

Oh.

Oh, this is nice. This is a nice house.

That is a beauty. What is that, Colonial?

It's a nice house.

If you need anything done around the house, I'd be happy...

Oh, no, I'm fine, thanks. Anything you need.

You gave me a ride. I appreciate it. Sure.

Tomorrow I'm gonna drive, okay? So I don't need the ride.

But thanks, though.

Too conspicuous?

Yeah.

All right. All right. Thanks, though.

Tomorrow. See you tomorrow.

Come on, dog. No, not today.

Dog, get off me. Your breath.

Mr. Jordan, are you okay? Get off of me!

Get off of him, Charles.

Bad dog. Git. Get off of him.

Get off me, Charles. Get off of him before I cook you.

Come on, come on. Come on, baby. Come on.

Get out of the car!

Good game.

Hey, Jeff, you okay?

How was your game? JEFF: I don't want to talk.

Hi, Dad. Hey, hey.

Michael!

Daddy, Daddy! How you doing?

Hey. Hey.

Ooh. You're all covered with drool, baby. That's your dog.

What's wrong with Jeff? He went two for five...

...lost 32 points in his average. Is that all?

Yeah, so that puts him at like a.685 or something.

He's batting what?

Mm. Smells good in here. What you cooking?

Chicken. Chicken and what?

Chicken and collard greens. Good. I'm gonna need a good meal tonight.

Is everything okay?

I stunk up the place. I hope this baseball thing was a good idea.

It was another career day for Michael Jordan at Barons Field this afternoon.

Let's face it. This baseball...

What are you guys watching?

Today he had three strikeouts. Is this the only thing on TV?

That brings his batting average down... What's up with this?

...to an anemic.214, which is also his weight.

Baseball bat? Get this guy a tennis racquet.

Did everyone get mad at you?

No. Worse. Everyone was real nice about it.

Michael, I know golf is your sport, but not here.

I think you should open up your stance a little.

It might make you more aggressive at the plate.

You think so? I'll try to remember that. Watching this hurts me more than you.

What are you guys doing watching this stuff? It's bad for you.

There you go. Road Runner. Beep, beep.

Oh. Stop this cartoon.

We've got an emergency Cartoon Character Union Meeting to go to.

Hey, wait for me. Hold your horses.

Dang. Where'd they go?

Stop the music. Top duck coming through. Hey!

Jeez. It's getting so a guy can't even get himself wet around here.

So, what's the big emergency?

Uh, these little guys would like to make an announcement. Here you go, shorty.

Go. All right, all right.

You, all of you, are now our prisoners.

We're in big trouble now.

We are taking you to our theme park in outer space.

No fooling. Where you'll be our slaves.

And placed on display for the amusement of our paying customers.

Oh, fear clutches my breast.

We ain't going nowheres.

Eh, not so fast, doc.

You just can't turn us into slaves. That would be bad.

You've gotta give us a chance to defend ourselves.

Oh, yeah? Who says? Says who?

Why? Just a sec.

There. Read them and weep. What's this?

"Give them a chance to defend themselves."

Aw. Do we have to?

It's in the rule book. It is.

Okay. It is in the rule book.

We have to confer.

All right, troops. It is for us to choose a battlefield that affords us...

Oh, I got it.

Yes, Private Porkster?

How about we challenge them to a...

...spelling bee? Say...

...we could have a bowling tournament.

Suffering succotash.

What's wrong with all of you?

I say we get a ladder...

...wait till the old lady's out of the room...

...then grab that little bird.

Whoa, whoa, take a deep breath, Sly.

Okay, let's analyze the competition.

Now, uh, what are we looking at here? We got a small race of invading aliens.

Small arms. Short legs.

Not very fast.

Tiny little guys.

Can't jump high.

Ah.

We challenge you to a basketball game.

All right. Basketball it is.

Basketball. Basketball.

Boy, oh, boy. All right.

What is basketball?

What's that? Beats me.

We didn't have that in school.

Lights. Pardon me. Sorry.

Hey! Down in front.

An exhilarating team sport...

...currently growing rapidly in popularity is basketball.

Unlike football and baseball, only five men can play on a team.

It's a fast-paced, razzle-dazzle game that requires quick wits...

...and even faster reflexes.

Here's how it's done in the professional ranks...

...the National Basketball Association, featuring the best players in the world.

The best players in the world. The best.

Excuse me. Oh, so sorry.

Excuse me.

Ow. Get your feet out of my nose.

Quiet, they're looking.

Hey, it's basketball.

Where? Whoa. Now what?

Hey, hey! What?

She's looking again. Close it up.

Tightly. Aah.

You poked me again.

Sweetheart? What?

I thought you'd get better seats. This is as good as I could get.

This guy next to me is doing something very weird in his raincoat.

Honey, will you just let me watch the game? Barkley's killing us.

Hey, someone's killing someone.

No. Seriously?

Wow, a killer. Let me see.

There. That's him, the killer.

He's big.

He's good.

He's mine.

Okay, go get him. Yeah.

Get back on defense. Let's go. Get back on defense, man.

What are you doing?

Time out. Call time out.

What's wrong with you, man? You're killing us.

Let him in. Open up. Open.

Wow. He did it.

I got it. I got his talent.

All right. Super.

Sit down, Chuck. Man, I'm fine. I am fine.

No, no. I played you too many minutes.

But I'm not tired. Go get the doctor.

What's up, man? You all right? Yeah.

You sure?

Come on, we're okay. You're okay. Come on, let's go.

Come on, Patrick. It's showtime.

What's wrong with him?

Popcorn...

In a shocking development...

...five NBA players have been placed on the disabled list in the last 24 hours...

...all suffering from the same mysterious ailment.

Yeah? Hmm. Whatever this mystery is...

...it affects the player's coordination. I'll be home in a couple days.

Watch Patrick Ewing. Put your mom on the phone.

It wasn't just in New York. Hey, baby. How you doing?

Check out the highlights. You watching TV?

What the hell is going on?

You gonna be all right? I'm ready, coach. All right.

Looks like I retired just in time.

All right, baby, gotta go. I'll call you later, okay? Love you. Bye.

It's open!

Come on, it's game time. Get your Hanes on. Lace up your Nikes.

Grab your Wheaties and your Gatorade and we'll pick up a Big Mac on the way.

Now we take you live to the Forum in Los Angeles...

...where the Lakers are refusing to take the court.

Guys, we gotta get dressed.

We got a game in five minutes. I mean, we're talking about a huge fine here.

No, we can't go in the locker room. Oh, man.

You heard what happened to Barkley and Ewing. There's germs in there.

Cedric, that was in New York, 3000 miles away.

Bacteria can travel faster than the speed of light.

It could be Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Yeah, could be.

All right. Dress in the hallway.

Okay.

Okay, okay, now, which one of you maroons has ever played basketball before?

I have, coach. And there's an important strategic question I need to ask you.

Yes, yes?

What do you think? I'm kind of partial to purple and gold, myself.

It goes better with my coloring. A one, two, three, four.

Guys? Nice outfit, Daffy.

The little aliens say it's their turn to, uh, use the court.

Sure, let the little pipsqueaks knock themselves out.

Too bad you can't practice getting taller, boys.

Whoa! Ah!


Hey, little pig.

Boo. Aah!

I wet myself.

Time to play a little basketball.

Those little pipsqueaks just turned into superstars.

They're monsters.

Suffering succotash.

They're Monstars.

Bye-bye.

Eh, I think we might need a little bit of help.

A hundred and seventy-five yards.

Okay, little fella. You my friend or are you my enemy?

You are my friend, right? You are my ally.

You are my associate, my personal assistant.

You are my weapon. You are leaving.

Great shot. Nice shot, Mr. Murray.

You can stop posing now.

Good try. Not bad, not bad.

BILL: Something for you to shoot at. Hit it good.

Do my best.

It was a good shot.

Yeah, I know.

Mike, I gotta ask you something.

The NBA has to face reality.

What's happening to these players is serious.

They're gonna need new players with talent.

Guys who are skilled, but never really thought about a professional career before.

You think I got a shot?

Come on, really? No.

Don't kid me. Listen. It's a man's game.

You can't play. What if I tried really hard?

Keep it down. I'm trying to hit this ball.

It's because I'm white, isn't it?

No. Larry's white. So what?

Larry's not white. Larry's clear.

Good shot, Larry. That's nice.

Get inside his ball.

Whoa.

You clowns can't beat that.

My best shot ever. You haven't played long.

A Hall-of-Fame shot.

Really nice shot, Mr. Bird. LARRY: Larry, please.

Nice shot, Mr. Larry. Nice shot, Larry.

You can do this.

Don't be nervous. You can do this.

Larry, you feel that the NBA has to face reality, don't you?

Gotta look for more dominant players in places they never looked before.

Just look at the ball. Visualize where you want it to go.

Right, right, right. Be the ball. Be the ball.

Get off the tee.

You can't jump.

I... Yeah, go on.

Close to the pin? Close to the pin? For dinner?

Sounds good. I'll go close to the pin.

Okay, cool. I'll take some of that.

That's not bad.

Good shot.

Get down.

Look at that. Look at that spin.

Come on.

It is alive.

Yes! Yes! My first hole in one. Yes!

Oh.

Don't say it. Never seen one of these before.

Larry, nothing but the bottom of the cup.

That's his ball too. Yeah, yeah, it's my ball. Sorry.

Let me get a picture. You guys are jealous.

All right, here we go. Now, you gotta smile. Reach in for the ball and then smile, okay?

Yes. And you think, "This is good."

Just take the picture. Okay.

What kind of camera is that? Just...

Don't point it at me. Close the lens cap.

I didn't do anything. Where did he go?

Hey!

No, no, no!

Oh, uh, look out for that first step, doc, it's a real lulu.

Bugs Bunny?

Eh, you were expecting maybe the Easter Bunny?

You're a cartoon. You're not real. Not real, eh?

If I weren't real, could I do this?

Ugh.

Oh, look. Is that Michael?

It's Michael.

It's Air Jordan.

Basketball.

Ooh. I tought I taw...

I did. I did see Michael Jordan.

Pardon me, Mr. Jordan. Uh, can I have your auto...?

Your John Hancock, please?

Back off. Let the doctor take a look.

A little high. No.

Going down.

No!

So, what do you say we go for a little spin?

Hmm. Now, let's see what we got inside here.

Say "ah."

All right. He's okay.

What's going on here? Why, Michael, I thought you'd never ask.

These aliens from outer space want to make us slaves in their theme park.

What do we care? They're little.

So we challenged them to a basketball game.

But then they show up and they ain't so little. They're huge.

We need to beat these guys, because they're talking about slavery.

They'll make us do stand-up comedy, the same jokes every night for all eternity.

We'll be locked up like wild animals and then trotted out to perform...

...for a bunch of lowbrow, bug-eyed, fat-headed, humor-challenged aliens.

Uh, what I'm trying to say is...

...we need your help!

Yeah, but I'm a baseball player now.

Right. And I'm a Shakespearean actor.

Mike? Michael? It's Stan. Stan Podolak.

Uh, look, I need you to come out now, okay?

Because you got a baseball game tomorrow.

And I'd look pretty stupid if you don't show up.

Think Michael's all right? I hate to leave him like this.

I'm sure he's fine. I think he just had to get away from that Stan character.

God, he's pathetic, isn't he? Yeah.

I'm gonna give us both twos back there.

We weren't in any kind of emotional state to putt.

I think that's fair. Yeah.

Now, if Mike is gone, the NBA is gonna need some new people.

There's room at the top.

An exciting guy who could maybe even perform at half-time.

You still tight with David Stern? A phone call from you...

Look, I want to help, but I haven't played basketball in a long time.

My timing's all off. Eh, we'll fix your timing.

Look at our facilities.

We've got hoops.

We got weights.

We've got balls. Whoa!

You sure do. This place is a mess.

Mess? You're worried about a little mess?

There's nothing here a little spit shine wouldn't fix.

Spit shine! Spit shine!

Lemony-fresh.

You guys are nuts.

Correction: We're Looney Tunes.

And as such are the exclusive property and trademark of Warner Bros. Inc.

I'm here.

Me too.

That hurt.

Who are these guys?

Well, uh, remember the tiny aliens I told you about?

Oh.

You heard of the Dream Team? Well, we're the Mean Team, wussy-man.

Wussy-man. Wussy-man?

We're the Monstars. M-O-N... Um...

Let's see what you got, chump.

I don't play basketball anymore.

"I don't play basketball anymore."

Maybe you're chicken.

I say, I resemble that remark.

You calling me chicken?

Hey. Come here.

Here you go. Take him.

Watch the footwork. Can you believe it?

Get out of the way.

Hey, everybody. Look at your hero now.

You guys are making a big mistake.

You're all washed up, baldy.

Baldy?

He is not washed up.

Michael's the greatest ever. Shut up.

Ooh.

My poor little cranium.

You okay? Yeah, are you okay?

Whoops.

You're not scared of them, are you, Michael?

Let's play some basketball. TUNES: Yeah.

Yeah, serve her! Come on! Rebound!

You're... You're Charles Barkley.

Girls. Come on over. Hurry up. Hurry.

Look. It's Charles Barkley.

Hey, can I play?


You're not Charles Barkley.

Just a wannabe who looks like him.

Sorry. Break out.

You shouldn't even be here. Be gone.

Wannabe. Be gone.

Just a few more tests, gentlemen.

Electrolyte levels, glucose, CBCs, RBCs, etcetera.

And we've scheduled a 12-lead stress test...

...and neurological battery to include EEG, reflex tests...

And this girl, 5-feet-nothing, blocked my shot.

When did you first start having this dream?

It wasn't a dream. It really happened.

And it climbed up my back and into my brain.

Are there any other areas besides basketball...

...where you find yourself unable to perform?

No. Just asking.

I've been MRI'd, EKG'd, x-rayed, laser beamed...

I promise I'll never swear again.

I'll never get another technical.

I'll never trash-talk.

I've got other skills.

I could go back and work on the farm. Really?

Or maybe I could go back to the jungle and be a missionary again.

What are you saying? That I'm trying to disobey my mama?

I didn't say that. You did, Muggsy.

But I love my mama.

Still can't find anything wrong with us.

Hey, maybe nothing's wrong with us.

That's right, Muggs. Maybe it's just in our head.

We're fine. It's just some psychosomatic deal.

Or something to do with the moon, or the alignment of the planet.

I'll never go out with Madonna again.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh... I'm fixing a divot. Oh.

He's fixing a divot!


Has anyone here ever played basketball?

Um, I have.

I'd like to try out for the team.

Hey. Hi. My name is Lola Bunny.

Lola? Ha, ha. Yes.

Hello. Eh, my name is Bugs.

Ahem. You want to play a little one-on-one, doll?

"Doll"? Uh-huh.

On the court, Bugs. Sure.

Ooh. She's hot.

There she goes.

Ready? Yes.

I got it. I got it.

That girl's got some skills.

Yes?

Don't ever call me "doll."

Check.

Hey, nice playing with you.

Very smooth.

Ah, she's obviously nuts about me.

Obviously.

Okay. Where's the ball?

Let's do some drills.

Can anyone lend me a pair of sneakers?

Uh, sneakers?

Sorry. Someone has to go to my house...

...and pick up my basketball gear. To your house?

In 3-D land? Yeah.

Whatever you do...

...don't forget my North Carolina shorts.

Your shorts? From college?

I wore them under my Chicago Bulls uniform every game.

Hey. I washed them after every game.

Yeah. Sure.

I did. Gross.

The view back here stinks.

Whoa. What?

We're right in front of Michael's house.

I knew that.

Shh. Okay, let's go in this way.

I say, let's go in that way.

He just never learns.

Now, let me see.

I must be very, very close.

Mother.

Nice digs.

Well, well. I wonder who that could be.

Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

Shh. Everyone's sleeping.

I knew that. Come on, come on.

We gotta find Michael's basketball stuff.

Nope. Nothing in here.

Nope. Ah, but a very nice dinette set.

Uh-uh. Not here.

Let's look upstairs.

Yes, oh, fearless leader.

So he needs his special underwear.

Oh. Shh.

Sorry. You think she's got enough toys?

Speaking of toys, you know all those mugs and t-shirts and lunch boxes...

...with our pictures on them? Yeah.

You, uh, ever see any money from all that stuff?

Ha. Not a cent. Hmm. Me neither.

It's a crying shame.

We gotta get new agents. We're getting screwed.

We have found the trophy room.

Now spread out and search the place.

Yes, sahib. Oh, brother.

Here I am, in the peak of my form playing second banana...

...to some sort of a harebrain. Yap, yap, yap. Hmm.

This could be useful. Aha.

If this were a union job, I...

That's very nice.

Oh, one of his shoes.

Where is that other shoe?

Where are you?

Eureka!

Come to Papa.

Oops. What a fuzz-foot. You are so clumsy.

Catch, feather head. Thanks.

Well, time to go. Did we get everything?

The shorts. The shorts.

In there?

Okay, I'll check.

I found the shorts.

The pain.

I'm right behind you, pal. Uh, that's none too reassuring.

Nice puppy. How's about a bone?

No dice. What about a nice holiday ham?

He ain't buying it. Can't we talk this over? Down, Beethoven.

Ooh. The kids are here.

Give it to me, Charles.

Here you go, Bugs. Thanks, kid.

Shoo. Shoo.

Bad dog. That is the last time I'm ever working with dogs or children.

Bye-bye. Hey, where you going?

Well, uh, you see, the Looney Tunes have a big basketball game coming up...

...and, uh, your dad's gonna play. All right.

Yeah. But don't tell anybody.

I see aliens.

Little aliens from outer space.

They forced their way inside your bodies.

They need your talent to win a basketball game against...

...Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny?

I also see Michael Jordan being sucked down a golf hole...

...by furry creatures.

That's it. We're out of here. We're leaving now.

Let's try some acupuncture. Good idea. Bye.

This is it. This is it.

I don't know where you are, Michael, but wherever you are...

...you obviously enjoy being there more than spending time with me.

You better hope this Jordan character still know how to play hoops.

You and me both, brother.

Listen, how is this for a new team name:

The Ducks. Please.

What kind of Mickey Mouse organization would name their team the Ducks?

So sue me. It's just a suggestion.

You're doing it.

You're becoming mighty.

Go! Come on, guys. No pain, no gain.

I don't hear it. What is it?

Come on. Come on.

Eh, guys? ALL: Yes?

Look who's finally ready to play.

Let's see if I remember how to do this.

Nice.


Michael!

Is it really you? Oh!

Thank God you're all right. Oh! I was so worried.

Come on, Stan. Don't hug me, please.

Sorry. What are you doing here?

I gotta take you back. You got baseball practice.

I can't. I'm helping my friends in their basketball game.

Michael, you know that your friends are cartoon characters?

Yeah. So?

Doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother me. Let me help. Let me help. I can help.

What can you do? Well, you know, I mean...

...I may not be very tall, but I'm slow.

And large. And a dork.

I'll do anything, Michael. Anything.

Anything? Anything.

Come here. Come here for a second.

Sit right here. Okay.

Okay? Okay. No problem.

All right. All right, let's go, team.

If somebody gets injured, we could see a lot of minutes.

I'm a cheerleader.

Mr. Commissioner, we've got the place sealed off.

Quiet! Ladies and gentlemen, please, quiet!

Listen. After meeting with team owners, I have decided...

...that until we can guarantee the health and safety of our NBA players...

...there will be no more basketball this season.


Yes.

Just get out of my way.

Ready? Yes!

Let's go.

Are these the best seats?

Like them. Yes.

Can see everything from here. Very good.

Ready to go? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Riot.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...the starting lineup for the Tune Squad.

Standing 2-foot-4, The Wonder From Down Under...

...the Tazmanian Devil.

At small forward, standing a scintillating 3-foot-2...

...The Heartthrob of the Hoops, Lola Bunny.

At power forward, The Quackster of the Courts, Daffy Duck.

Thank you. Thank you.

Very funny. Let's all laugh at the duck.

And at point guard, standing 3-foot-3, 4 feet if you include the ears...

...co-captain of the Tune Squad...

...The Doctor of Delight, Bugs Bunny.

Thank you. Thank you.

And now, the player-coach of the Tune Squad...

...at 6-foot-6, from North Carolina...

...His Royal Airness, Michael Jordan.

Who? Is he a Looney Tune?

Uh... Uh, well, perhaps.

You guys ready? I'm set to take it to the rack, Jack.

Those Monstars will wish they'd never been born.

Guys, let's just go out and have fun. Yeah!

The challengers for the Ultimate Game...

...all the way from Moron Mountain:

The Monstars.

Go Monstars! Go Monstars! Go Monstars!

What are you looking at?

Cool shoes.

Uh...

Ready?

I got it, I got it, I got it. I got the ball. I got the ball.

Yipe!

Ooh.

Way to go, boys. Did you see the moves on that one?

Come on, show me something. Come on, show me something.

Whoops. The duck.

Yeah, beat up on the duck.

Oh, my.

She was wide open.

Watch it, coming your way. Watch out, watch out.

Get him.

How did he do that?

Nice shot, Mr. J. Hey, hey, come on. Get back on defense.

Way to go!

Air J! Air J!

Red light.

Feed me. Feed me. Feed you? Feed me.

Bad old putty tat. I'll take that, thank you.

Don't try this at home.

I wish I was in the land of cott...

You going somewhere?

May I remind you, sir, that physical violence is patently against the rules.

Yeow! Did you order Original Recipe or Extra Crispy?

Let's go. Me?

Oh, boy. I'm ready. I can do this. The mouse? You picked the mouse?

I love basketball. I always have. Do you? Uh-huh.

You're big. I bet you're good. Right.

I'm small, but I'll try hard to be good.

Okay. Yeah. Really, I will. I always try hard.

My mom says, "Try your best at everything you do..."

Oh!

Try to get by me, doll.

"Doll"?

Don't ever call me "doll."

Nice shot. Thanks, Bugs.

Hmm?

Where's the defense, boy? I got you right here.

911.

Piece of pie? Pork chop? Some sorbet, perhaps?

Half-time.

Holy putty tat.

Yeah, man, we got it going on. One more half.

Right, man. We got them.

Moron Mountain, here we come.

We're gonna be slaves.

Come on, guys, keep your head up. Got a whole other half to play.

It's the boss.

Hello, Mr. Swackhammer.

All right.

Not bad for the first half, but we gotta keep this up.

No problem. We stole...

We stole talent from the best players in the NBA.

From the NBA.

Shut up.

I smell something.

Uh, we have been playing really hard.

Yeah. Not you, you idiot.

It's coming from over here.

That locker.

Look. Aah!

It's the chubby boy. Ah.

It smells like a spy.

You guys need a publicist? I can make you big. Ha, ha.

I know we're down. Yeah. Let's hear the story.

But I've been in this situation many times before.

We can still win this thing. It's not over with. We gotta come together.

We gotta believe in ourselves. We can win this game.

Yeah, right. That's gonna help us.

Looks like Stan just had a close encounter with a bug-zapper.

Monstars. The Monstars.

Ooh. That's gotta hurt. You all right, Stan?

The Monst...

The Monstars stole the talent from the NBA players.

So that's what happened to those guys.

I think we should qui... Forfeit.

ALL: Yeah. I didn't get dragged down here...

...just to get my butt whipped by a bunch of ugly Monstars.

I ain't going out like that. We're letting them push us around.

We gotta fight them back. We gotta take it to them. We gotta get right in their faces.

What do you say?

Are you with me or not?

Finished? Great speech and all, doc. You had them riveted.

But, uh, didn't you forget something? What?

Your secret stuff.

Wow.

Whoa, nice deltoids.

Play along.

Uh, stop hogging it, Mike. We're your teammates.

Secret stuff?

Secret stuff? You wouldn't hold out on us, would you?

No, I mean, I didn't think you guys really needed it.

I mean, you're so tough. You're competitive.

We're also chicken, son. We need it bad. Hey.

Uh, I'd like some of that. Could I have a sip, please?

You know, this goes against everything they taught me in health class.

Do you want to win or not?

Bottoms up.

Yummy. All right.

How about we go out and kick some alien butt, huh? Let's go.

How about it? Ready? Yeah!


Coming through.

Bugs.

Special delivery.

Boo!

Eh, nice kaboom, Wile E.

Let's teach them a lesson.

Nice butt.

Going up. You're mine, fool.

Slammy.

Hello. A little surprise for you, my friends.

Two points.

Ooh. This will be good.

Okay, birdie. Uh-oh.

Yes! Time out!

Shut up, you little bug. Get away from me. Powwow.

All right. We're right back in this game. Come on, now. Let's play tough defense.

Why didn't you get this guy?

He's a baseball player. Yeah, boss, a baseball player.

Looks like a basketball player to me.

Yeah, me too.

He's the one I want for Moron Mountain. Hey.

Are you talking to me?

Yeah, I'm talking to you. You want a piece of me? Come and get it.

Uh-oh.

What did you have in mind?

Hat about we raise the stakes a little bit?

Hmm.

Interesting.

If we win, you give the NBA players their talent back.

But what if we win?

If you win? Uh-huh.

You get me.

Good deal, boss.

Doc, you think that's a good ide...?

You'll be our star attraction.

You'll sign autographs all day long.

And play one-on-one with the paying customers.

And you'll always lose.

Do we have a deal?

Deal.

All right.

I don't think you should have done that, doc.

I have faith in my team.

Crush them.

Feeding time, boys.

Goodbye.

Fore.

But, Mommy, I don't want to go to school today.

I want to stay home and bake cookies with you.

I'm open, I'm open. Lola, Lola, heads up.

Oh! Belly flop.

Oh, my. Bugs!

Bugs! Is this your man?

Are you okay?

Me? Oh, yeah. I'm fine.

Are you okay?

Oh, Bugs. Thank you.

Aw, it was nothing.

That was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Time out.

I could have been a contender.

The Monstars. The Monstars.

I could have had a... Clear!

Okay.

We need a fifth player. Hey, coach, listen.

You got any more secret stuff? I think it's starting to wear off.

It didn't wear off. It was just water.

You guys had the special stuff inside of you all along.

Yeah, yeah, I knew that. But listen, you got any more?

I'll take some. Yeah, uh, can I have some too?

Stan? Me?

You're in at center.

Just guard the big guy, okay?

Guard him? Guard him? I'll smother him.

I'll be all over him like a cheap suit. I'll be on him like stink on rice.

I tell you, he's going down.

Michael, over here. Over here. Over here, I'm open.

Yes!

Ha, ha. Nice sho...!

Big man pancake.

Ooh.

Let's get him out of here.

Eew.

Oh, my.

How'd he do that?

Aw, anybody could do that, doc. Even you.

Watch this.

No sweat. This is Looney Tune Land.

Ten seconds to go? Thanks for telling me, doc.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Your Airness...

...but if you don't find a fifth player, your team will forfeit the game.

Forfeit? Precisely, Sir Altitude.

No way. We'll find someone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't know Dan Aykroyd was in this picture.

Hey.

Perhaps I could be of some assistance.

That's our fifth guy.

Thanks, Bill. Now you get to live your dream. Let's go.

All right. All right.

We need to score two points... Here's how I see it.

Duck. Yes.

Kick it to the girl bunny down in the post. Yeah?

You dish it back to the guy bunny. Got it.

You swing it to Mike. You go to the hole. Bill.

And dominate. We're on defense.

Oh, yeah. Whoa. I don't play defense.

Typical. Gonna have to listen to Mike on this.

Okay. Somebody steal the ball, get it to me and I'll score before the time runs out.

Don't lose that confidence. Okay.

Paws and wings in here. Okay. Yes!

This is why I was born.

I thrive on pressure.

Excuse me, uh, sorry. Yo, yo, easy on the trousers, Daf. Easy.

Pardon me. Mr. Murray, something's really been bugging me.

Yeah? Just how did you get here anyway?

Producer's a friend of mine. Just had a teamster come and drop me off.

Uh-huh.

Well, that's how it goes.

Hey, you see this, uh, kind of chunky fellow over here?

Uh-huh.

Oh. Oh, that's good. Oh, yes. Let's do it. You the duck.

Now, let's all play fair. Here.

Yo, spaceman. Don't choke now. Come on.

It's gut-check time.

This must be mine. Woo-hoo!

This belongs to me. I'm going this way. I'm going left.

Whoa! Don't ever trust an Earthling.

Mike!

Get the rabbit. Get the girl.

Come on, come on. I'm open.

I'm op...!

That's mine. Not today.

Hey. Bring it on, dude.

BILL: Whoopsie-daisy.

You're mine.

Mike, I'm open!

Never mind.


The Tunes win!

That was a nice pass, man.

That was a great stretch for the basket too.

You know, you really got some skills. You might be able to play in the NBA.

Thanks, Mike. I'll probably quote you on that.

But I'm gonna take this opportunity to retire from the game.

No, come on. No.

No, I'm gonna retire right now. That's all there is to it.

I'm gonna go out on top, undefeated and untied.

That's the way it's gonna be.

You go celebrate with your team. Come help us, man.

I'd like to, but I have to ice down my knees right away, okay? They're starting to go.

All right. Goodbye, man. All right, see you.

Are you sure? Yes. Definitely sure. Definitely.

Losers. Sorry.

Choke artists. Sorry again.

Wait till I get you back on Moron Mountain.

All right. The party's over. Get in the spaceship.

Why do you take it from this guy?

Because he's bigger.

He's bigger?

Than we used to be.

What are you doing?

Wait. What are you doing? Wait. Come here.

Had it in you all the time, didn't you?

One thing, though. Pass me the ball, Bugs.

You gotta give my friends their talent back.

Do we have to?

Yeah, it's part of the deal. Touch the ball.

Oh, okay.

Fair is fair. There you go. Touch it.

That was so much fun.

I feel so insignificant.

My clothes don't fit.

What a trip. Ha, ha. I'm up for another one.

Can we ask you a favor, Mr. Bunny?

We don't want to go back to Moron Mountain.

We hate it up there. It stinks.

Um, I was thinking, could we stay here with you?

Please.

Oh, brother.

Eh, I don't know if you guys are looney enough.

Looney enough?

Michael, do you know what time it is?

Seven-fift... Seven-fift... Quarter past 7.

Exactly. You've got a baseball game in five minutes.

Okay. Take this.

Is it safe? Yeah, put it in my bag.

Okay. Let's go.

I really enjoyed playing with you guys.

You guys got a lot of, uh...

A lot of, uh... Yes?

Well, whatever it is, you got a lot of it.

All right. Gotta go.

Bugs. Eh, Mike.

Stay out of trouble. You know I will.

Come here.

Woo-hoo!

We want Michael! We want Michael!

The delay is killing us. Where's Michael?

Where is Michael?

Oh, he's not back from his other game.

What other game? Shh.

Uh-uh. What other game?


Ladies and gentlemen...

...Michael Jordan.

Guys, we suck.

Yeah, man. My grandmother plays better than I do.

At least you guys are still tall. I'm nothing now. Just another short guy.

You got that right. That's the only thing you got right.

Who's that? Who's that?

I don't know. Been getting your butts kicked?

Who's that? It's Mike.

What's up? Why are you here?

Don't be embarrassed. Just face it.

You guys stink.

Come on, Mike. Lighten up. I know, man.

You want your games back, huh? What little games you had to begin with.

It's hard enough as it is, Mike. Give us a break.

I'm gonna regret this.

Stan, give me the ball.

Oh.

Look at that.

Looks like something from Star Trek.

Touch it. No way, Jose.

Pat, you want your talent back? You don't have any choice. Just touch it.

I don't know. Don't touch it.

You're gonna walk around with a bad game for the rest of your career.

Touch the ball.

Careful, Pat.

We've tried everything else.

Come on, Charles. Touch it.

The rest of you guys. Just touch it.

What was that? I liked that, Mike.

Hey, I caught it.

Look at Muggsy handle the rock. Handle it, baby.

I can handle that rock again. That's the old Muggs I know.

Yeah, get height now.

It gave me my powers back.

That wasn't bad. Let me show you something.

The Round Mound is back. Want to see something?

Oh, man. That felt good.

I got it. You got it. Yeah, baby.

Hey, Michael. Why don't you stay, play some three-on-three with us?

No, I don't think so.

You gonna work on that baseball swing?

Leave the baseball player alone. He doesn't play basketball anymore.

He probably doesn't even have it anymore, guys.

Michael, do you hear them?

They don't think you can play the game anymore.

There's only one way to find out.

The Chicago Bulls welcome back...

...Michael Jordan!

What's the matter, Bill?

Larry, that could have been me.

Will you get off that kick? It's over. It's done with. You can't play.

Okay.

Let's go, Bulls.


Well, that's all, folks.

That's my line.

Step aside, babe. Let a star do this.

That's all...

That's all, folks.

Can I go home now?