Spaceballs (1987) Script

RlCCO: Colonel Sandurz?

What is it, Sergeant Ricco?

You told me to let you know the moment Planet Druidia was in sight, sir.

So?

Planet Druidia is in sight, sir.

You're really a Spaceball.

You know that, don't you?

Thanks, sir.

Have you notified Lord Helmet?

Yes, sir. l took the liberty. He's on his way.

CORPORAL: Make way for Dark Helmet!

All rise in the presence of Dark Helmet.

(BREATHlNG HEAVlLY)


(CHOKlNG)

l can't breathe in this thing.

We're approaching Planet Druidia, sir.

Good. l'll call Spaceball City and notify President Skroob immediately. l already called him, sir. He knows everything.

What? You went over my helmet?

Well, not exactly over, sir. More to the side. l'll always call you first. lt'll never happen again. Never ever!

Oh, shit!

No! Please!

Please, no, not that!

Yes, that.

(GROANlNG)

(SOBBlNG)

Sandurz! Sir. l don't see Planet Druidia. Where is it?

We don't have visual contact yet, but we have it on the radar screen.

Shall l punch it up for you?

Never mind. l'll do it myself.

Very good, sir.

What's the matter? What's that churning and bubbling?

You call that a radar screen?

No, sir, we call it Mr. Coffee.

(MACHlNE BEEPS) Care for some?

Yes. l always have coffee when l watch radar. You know that.

Of course l do. Everybody knows that!

Of course we do, sir.

Now that l have my coffee, l'm ready to watch radar.

Where is it?

Right here, sir.

Switch to teleview.

There it is. Planet Druidia.

And underneath the air shield, 1 0,000 years of fresh air.

We must get through that air shield.

We will, sir.

Once we kidnap the Princess, we can force her father, King Roland, to give us the combination to the air shield, thereby destroying Planet Druidia and saving Planet Spaceball.

Everybody got that?

Good. When will the Princess be married?

Within the hour, sir.

Well, l hope it's a long ceremony, 'cause it's gonna be a short honeymoon.

(GROANlNG)

Hot! Too hot.

lf only your mother were alive to see this day. ls everyone ready? Yes, Your Majesty.

No! Where's my droid of honor?

Oh, dear, yes. Where's Dot? Dot?

Dot Matrix!

Oh, thank God, dear!

Where've you been?

Here l am. l'm sorry. l had to make a pit stop. l'm so excited, l couldn't hold my oil.

All right, people. lt's magic time!

All right, everyone, starting on the left foot.

Daddy, that's the right foot. lt's too late. Keep going.

(WEDDlNG MARCH PLAYlNG)

Daddy.

(STOPS PLAYlNG ORGAN)

Must l go through with this? l'm sorry, my dear. You have to.

(ORGAN RESUMES PLAYlNG)

But, Daddy, (GROANlNG)

(STOPS PLAYlNG) l don't love him. l'm sorry, Vespa. He's the last prince left in the galaxy.

(SCATTERED MURMURlNG)

(ORGAN RESUMES PLAYlNG)

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here on this most joyous occasion to witness Princess Vespa, daughter of King Roland, going right past the altar, heading down the ramp and out the door!

Stop her! Someone stop her! Stop her!

Hey, wait! You forgot to get married !

Will you stop?

What are you doing?

No questions, Dot. Get in.

(ENGlNE STARTlNG)

What is she doing? Where is she going?

Come back!

(RAlSE YOUR HANDS PLAYlNG ON STEREO)

MAN: (SlNGlNG) Ooh, yeah

You You got a nasty reputation We're in a sticky situation lt's down to me and you So tell me, is it true?

They say there ain't nobody better Well, now that we're together

(PHONE RlNGlNG)

Show me what you can do

Barf.

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES)

Barf.

(MUSlC BLARlNG)

Barf.

And playin' to win Huh?

Raise your hands...

(REDUCES VOLUME)

LONE STARR: Barf?

Always when l'm eating.

Barf!

(RlNGlNG CONTlNUES)

What can l do you for, boss?

Where you been?

Grabbing myself a snack.

You want some? No!

A little hair of the dog?

No! Listen, answer that thing for me.

Will you watch that?

Sorry. l'll just throw on our audio here. That way they won't see you.

Yello!

Hello, Lone Starr.

Sorry, wrong switch.

Hello, Vinnie. What do you want?

No, it's not what l want. lt's what he wants.

(LAUGHlNG)

BARF AND LONE STARR: Pizza the Hutt.

(BURPlNG)

Well, if it isn't Lone Starr and his sidekick, Puke.

That's Barf.

Barf, Puke, whatever.

Where's my money?

Don't worry, Pizza. You'll have it by next week.

No. l gotta have it by tomorrow.

1 00,000 space bucks? By tomorrow?

1 00,000? No way!

You forgot late charges which brings it up to 1 million space bucks!

A million? That's unfair!

Unfair to the payer, but not to the payee.

(LAUGHlNG)

But you're gonna pay it or else. . .

(PlZZA LAUGHlNG)

Or else what?

Tell him, Vinnie.

Or else Pizza is gonna send out for you.

(PlZZA AND VlNNlE LAUGHlNG)

You're delicious.

Ciao, boys.

(PlZZA COUGHlNG)

(HEARTSTRlNGS PLAYlNG ON STEREO)

WOMAN: (SlNGlNG) l slept in your arms Content to go on dreaming A nightmare too real to imagine Losing you

Can we talk?

Okay. We all know Prince Valium is a pill, but you could've married him for your father's sake and then had a headache for the next 25 years. l love you more each day Will you turn that thing off?

Play on my heartstrings...

What?

What is it? l was saying, do you realize what you've done?

Yes! And l'm glad.

Glad.

l wonder if she's glad.

Don't be ridiculous.

As president of Planet Spaceball, l can assure both you and your viewers that there's absolutely no air shortage whatsoever.

Yes, of course. l've heard the same rumor myself.

Yes, thanks for calling and not reversing the charges.

Yes, bye.

Shithead.

(AlR HlSSlNG)

(lNHALlNG)

President Skroob.

Yes?

This is Central Control.

Spaceball Commanderette Zircon speaking, sir.

Yes, what is it, Commanderette?

Lord Helmet has just notified us that Princess Vespa is in sight and Spaceball One is closing in on her.

Good.

We have both ships coming up on the teledar, sir, if you wish to observe. l'll be down immediately.

Should l have Snotty beam you down, sir? l don't know about that beaming stuff. ls it safe?

Oh, yes, sir. Snotty beamed me twice last night. lt was wonderful.

All right. l'll take a shot at it.

What the hell, it works on Star Trek.

Snotty, beam him down.

SNOTTY: Yes, sir. lmmediately, sir.

(ALL MURMURlNG)

SNOTTY: Great beasties! What's happened to his head? lt's on backwards!

This is terrible! Do something ! l'm sorry, sir. There must have been a micro-converter malfunction.

Why didn't somebody tell me my ass was so big?

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

Hold on, sir. We'll try to reverse the beam.

SNOTTY: lt could be the interlocking system.

Lock one. Lock two. Lock three. Loch Lomond !

(SlGHS)

Are you all right, Mr. President?

Fine. No thanks to you !

We'll beam you back, sir.

Forget it. No more beaming.

This time l'm gonna walk.

President Skroob! Salute!

Hail, Skroob!

Hello, President Skroob.

Hello, Charlene. l'm Marlene.

Hello, Marlene. l'm Charlene.

Chew your gum.

Where's the Princess?

Right there, sir, on the left side of the screen approaching SpacebaII One at 1 ,500 light leagues per minute.

Good. She's almost in our grasp.

Tell Dark Helmet he must take the Princess alive.

Princess Vespa's spaceship within range, sir.

Good.

Fire a warning shot across her nose.

(LASER SHOTS FlRlNG)

What's going on? lt's either the Fourth of July, or someone's trying to kill us!

Hey! l don't have to put up with this. l'm rich.

What are you doing? l'm calling my father.

1 -800-Druidia.

Careful, you idiot! l said across her nose, not up it!

Sorry, sir. l'm doing my best.

Who made that man a gunner? l did, sir.

He's my cousin.

Who is he? He's an Asshole, sir. l know that. What's his name?

That is his name, sir.

Asshole. Major Asshole.

And his cousin? He's an Asshole, too, sir.

Gunner's Mate, First Class, Phillip Asshole.

How many Assholes we got on this ship anyhow?

ALL: Yo!

l knew it. l'm surrounded by assholes.

Keep firing, assholes!

Hurry, Daddy. Hurry!

There are laser blasts all around us! l'm scared.

ON RADlO: King Roland to Lone Starr.

Are you there?

Lone Starr, you've got to help me. Please save my daughter.

She's being attacked by Spaceballs!

Spaceballs? Forget it. Too dangerous.

Besides, l'm already numero uno on Dark Helmet's hit list.

Look, Your Highness, it's not that we're afraid. Far from it. lt's just that we got this thing about death. lt's not us.

Please, you must!

You're the only ones that can save her! l'll give you anything !

Did you hear me? Anything.

Anything?

Yes, anything.

Okay. We'll do it for a million.

A million?

You're starting to fade here. We're losing picture, Your Highness.

All right, l'll pay it. Only find her, save her.

All right, King. You just made a deal.

One princess for 1 million space bucks.

What's she driving?

A brand-new white Mercedes

2001 SEL limited edition.

Moon roof, all-leather interior. l got it at a very good price. l paid cash.

My cousin, Prince Murray, has a dealership in the valley.

He was very nice to me.

We get the idea.

Where was she last seen?

She was just passing Jupiter Two.

We'll find her.

Please bring her back safely.

And if it's at all possible, try to save the car.

1 million space bucks! We'll be able to pay off Pizza the Hutt!

Give me paw!

(BOTH HOWLlNG)

What's happening?

What's that glow?

We're not moving.

We're moving, all right.

Backwards.

Look, there's our princess. She's got company.

Oh, no. Spaceballs!

And they've already got her in their magnetic beam.

We're too late. What a shame. l'll throw her in reverse. We'll get out of here.

No! Bad.

What are we doing risking our lives for a runaway princess? l know we need the money, but. . . Listen, we're not just doing this for money.

We're doing it for a shitload of money.

You're right.

And when you're right, you're right. And you, you're always right.

Okay, we save her. But how?

The minute we move in there, they're gonna spot us on their radar.

Uh-uh. Uh-huh.

Not if we jam it.

Aha!

You're right.

Down scope. Down scope.

Radar about to be jammed.

(BEEPS)

(BUZZlNG)

Shit.

(CLANKlNG)

ON PA: Sir. What is it?

Can l talk to you for a minute, please, sir?

Well? l'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

You don't need that, Private. We're right here. What is it? l'm having trouble with the radar, sir.

Now what is it? l'm having trouble with the radar.

What's wrong? l've lost the bleeps, the sweeps, and the creeps.

The what? And the what?

You know. The bleeps.

(BLEEPlNG)

The sweeps.

(GURGLlNG)

And the creeps.

(SQUEAKlNG)

That's not all he's lost.

Sir. The radar, sir. lt appears to be jammed.

Jammed.

Raspberry.

Well, there's only one man who would dare give me the raspberry.

Lone Starr!

(CLATTERlNG)


What was that?

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Never mind that. What was that?

(GASPS)

Hi.

Who are you? Barf.

Not in here, mister. This is a Mercedes.

No, that's my name. Barf.

Barf?

What are you? l'm a Mawg: half man, half dog. l'm my own best friend.

What do you want?

Your father hired Captain Lone Starr and me to save you.

We got to hop up this ladder and get out.

Good. Quick. Hurry, darling. Follow the dog.

Mawg. l'm a Mawg.

Wait. What about my matched luggage?

(WHlMPERlNG)

DOT: Stop looking up my can.

Sorry.

Checking in? What the hell is all that?

lt's Her Royal Highness's matched luggage!

LONE STARR: What?

Her Royal Highness's matched luggage.

Matched luggage, huh?

What's she think this is, a Princess Cruise?

Well, she wouldn't go without it.

Oh, yeah?

(GRUNTS)

Now hear this.

The minute we get out of here, the first thing we do is dump the matched luggage.

Who is that?

Now you hear this, whoever you are.

You will not touch that luggage.

And furthermore, l want this pigsty cleaned up. l will not be rescued in such filth.

Listen. On this ship, l don't take orders, l give them.

This is my dreamboat, sweetheart.

Sweetheart?

Oh-oh.

How dare you speak to me that way?

You will address me in the proper manner as Your Royal Highness. l am Princess Vespa, daughter of Roland, King of the Druids.

That's all we needed.

A Druish princess.

Funny. She doesn't look Druish.


Now we will show her who is in charge of this galaxy.

Hold it. l'll handle this personally.

Jawohl, Lord Helmet!

So, Princess Vespa, you thought you could outwit the imperious forces of Planet Spaceball.

Well, you were wrong.

You are now our prisoner.

And you will be held hostage until such time as all of the air is transferred from your planet to ours.

She's not in there.

CORPORAL ON PA: Radar repaired, sir.

We're picking up the outline of a Winnebago.

Winnebago?

Lone Starr.

Here comes the Badyear blimp.

We'd better get out of here in a hurry.

Switch to secret hyper-jets.

Switching to secret hyper-jets.

Buckle up back there, we're going into hyperactive.

We're closing in on them, sir. ln less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours.

Good. Prepare to attack.

Prepare to attack.

On the count of three.

One, two, late!

What happened? Where are they? l don't know, sir.

They must have hyper-jets on that thing.

And what have we got on this thing, a Cuisinart?

No, sir.

Well, find them, catch them !

Yes, sir.

ON PA: Prepare ship for light speed.

No, light speed is too slow.

Light speed too slow?

Yes. We're gonna have to go right to ludicrous speed.

(ALL GASPlNG)

Ludicrous speed?

We've never gone that fast. l don't know if this ship can take it.

What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz?

Chicken?

Prepare ship.

Prepare ship for ludicrous speed.

Fasten all seat belts.

Seal all entrances and exits.

Close all shops in the mall.

Cancel the three-ring circus.

Secure all animals in the zoo...

Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer.

(ALARM BUZZlNG)

DARK HELMET: Now hear this.

Ludicrous speed!

Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?

Buckle this.

Ludicrous speed! Go!

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

(DARK HELMET SCREAMlNG)

DARK HELMET: What have l done?

My brains are going into my feet.

What the hell was that?

Spaceball One.

They've gone to plaid.

We passed them. Stop this thing.

We can't stop. lt's too dangerous.

We've got to slow down first.

Bullshit! Just stop this thing ! l order you. Stop!

(SCREAMlNG)

Here, sir. Here. Let me help you, sir.

Are you all right, sir?

Fine. How have you been?

Fine, sir.

Good.

Good thing you were wearing that helmet.

Yeah.

What shall we do now, sir?

Well, are we stopped?

We're stopped, sir.

Good.

Why don't we take a five-minute break?

Very good, sir.

Smoke if you got them.

Take her out of hyperactive.

Taking her out of hyperactive.

(SlGHS)

Congrats, boss. We did it.

They must have overshot us by a week-and-a-half.

Okay. Let's set a course for Druidia.

Setting a course for. . .

(ALARM BEEPlNG)

What's that? l don't know. We're losing power!

Why? 'Cause we're out of gas!

Must have burned it up in hyperactive.

We should have put more than five bucks' worth in !

Okay. We'll have to set her down.

Prepare for an emergency landing.

Quick, give me a reading !

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. . .

Will you stop that?

Keep your seat belts fastened back there.

You okay, Princess?

(SCREAMlNG)

No, you idiot! Where'd you learn how to fly?

Okay. EagIe 5 coming in.

(WHlMPERlNG)

BARF: Left! Go left! Right! l mean right!

Pull up!

(WHlMPERlNG)

Where're you going? l am going to tell him off once and for all.

Wait. We'll need him to get us out of here.

Called me an idiot? l'm going back there and explain a few things to her.

Besides, he's got a sexy voice. He might be cute.

You haven't seen her. l know what she looks like.

You've seen one, you've seen them all.

Cute? l know these space bums, they're all alike.

Fat, ugly. . .

Buck-toothed, knock-kneed. . .

Beer-swilling pigs!

Horse-faced space dogs!

Yeah, well, normally. . .

(RlPPlNG)

That's gonna leave a mark.

Now listen, you. . .

You listen.

On this ship, you're to refer to me as "idiot," not "you Captain." l mean. . . You know what l mean.

And you will not call me "you."

You will never address me as "you."

You will call me "Your Royal Highness"!

You are a royal pain in the. . .

Hold it. Time! BOTH: What?

May l make a small suggestion?

Any minute now, the Spaceballs will make a major U-turn, head back this way, and make us all dead.

He's right. Let's go.

Wait. My things.

Now listen, you royal. . .

(WHlMPERS)

Highness.

Take only what you need to survive.

(GROWLS)

DOT: Please slow down. l'm getting sand up my gears.

Gee, l hope she didn't forget anything.

All right, wait a minute, Barf. Put it down.

What the hell's in this thing?

What's this? l said, take only what you need to survive.

My industrial-strength hair dryer.

And l can't live without it!

Okay, Princess, that's it.

The fairy tale is over.

Welcome to real life.

You want this hot air machine, you carry it.

You pick that up.

How dare you, you insolent peasant?

Nobody talks to me that way. Nobody!

(ECHOlNG) Nobody!

Well, what have we got here? Will you look at her?

(BARF SHUDDERlNG)

Those flashing eyes, those flushed cheeks, those trembling lips.

You know something, Princess?

You are ugly when you're angry.

Uh-oh.

That's it.

You and your dog are. . .

Please.

Total humans, droids, if l may? lt's going to be very dark soon. l suggest we find a place to camp for the night.

Come, darling.

LONE STARR: See? lt's lighter.

Oh, yeah. This is the best. l could have carried two or three of these.

Have you found them yet?

No, Lord Helmet.

They're still not on the scanner.

Well, keep looking for them.

(SLURPlNG)

Pardon me, sir. l have an idea.

Corporal, get me the video cassette of Spaceballs: The Movie.

CORPORAL: Yes, sir.

"The Producers, Twelve Chairs, Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein."

Colonel Sandurz, may l speak with you, please?

Yes, sir.

How can there be a cassette of Spaceballs: The Movie?

We're still in the middle of making it.

True, sir.

There's been a new breakthrough in home video marketing.

There has?

Yes. lnstant cassettes.

They're out in stores before the movie is finished.

No.

Here it is, sir! Spaceballs.

SANDURZ: Good work, Corporal. Punch it up.

That's much too early. Prepare to fast-forward.

Preparing to fast-forward.

Fast-forward ! Fast-forwarding, sir.

(CHATTERlNG SQUEAKlLY)

(EXPLOSlON)

No, go past this. Past this part. ln fact, never play this again.

Try here. Stop.

What the hell am l looking at?

When does this happen in the movie?

Now.

You're looking at now, sir.

Everything that happens now is happening now.

What happened to then? We passed then.

When? Just now.

We're at now, now.

Go back to then.

When? Now. l can't. We missed it. When?

Just now.

When will then be now?

Soon.

How soon?

CORPORAL: Sir! We've identified their location !

Where? lt's the moon of Vega.

Set a course and prepare for our arrival.

When? 1 900 hours, sir.

By high noon tomorrow, they will be our prisoners.

Who?

(CRlCKETS CHlRPlNG)

No, thank you. l'm perfectly all right.

Take it, it's freezing. lf you insist.

Won't you be cold?

No, cold never bothers me.

(SlGHS) l can't seem to find Druidia. lt's right there.

Where? lt's right there. lt's that bright blue one right there. See?

Oh, yeah. But it's so far away.

Don't worry, l'll get you there.

Which one's yours?

Who knows?

You don't know where you're from?

Not really. l was found on the doorstep of a monastery.

Monastery? Where?

Somewhere in the Ford Galaxy.

Well, didn't the monks tell you who your parents were?

They couldn't. They took a vow of silence.

All l got was this. lt was around my neck.

What is it? l don't know. l've taken it to every wise man in the universe and nobody could tell me what it means. lt's beautiful.

You know, l. . .

lt's beautiful.

So, how come you ran away from your wedding?

Well, if you must know, l wasn't in love with the groom.

Why were you going to marry him?

Because l'm a princess, and l have to marry a prince.

And he doesn't do it for you, huh?

No, he doesn't do it for me.

(SlGHS) l really must go back. l shouldn't have run away. l realize now that love is one luxury

You're probably right. l know now that l must learn to live without love. l guess so.

Besides, love isn't that important.

No, it never was. l could be perfectly happy the rest of my life without love.

Sure you could.

Without physical contact.

Yeah.

Without being held.

Yeah.

Or kissed.

(ALARM BLARlNG)

Abandon ship!

Women and Mawgs first!

(BLARlNG STOPS) We'll have none of that, mister.

How far did he get? What did he touch?

Nothing happened !

What the hell was that noise?

That was my Virgin Alarm. lt's programmed to go off before you do.

You get back to bed, miss.

And as for you, sex fiend. . .

All right. Let's all just get some sleep.

We gotta get moving before dawn.

Why so early?

Because we're in the middle of the desert and we aren't gonna get very far once that blazing sun gets overhead.

BARF: Nice dissolve.

(PANTlNG)

Water.

(PANTlNG)

(GASPlNG)

(PANTlNG) Oil.

Room service.

(GASPlNG) Chief, l'm dead.

l can't go any further.

Come on, Barf, old buddy.

Just one more dune to go.

No!

You said that three dunes ago. l got no more left.

Oh, waiter. Check, please.

Must go on.

Who am l kidding?

(ALL SCATTlNG SQUEAKlLY)

(ALL CHATTERlNG)

(CHATTERlNG CONTlNUES)

(GRUNTS)

Thanks, little guy.

Thank you.

Did l miss something?

When did we get to Disneyland?

(DlNKS SCATTlNG)

l don't see them, Sandurz. l've sent the troops on ahead to Vector 78, sir.

Let's get moving.

Yes, sir. Driver, prepare to move out.

What are you preparing? You're always preparing. Just go.

Just go. Yes, sir.

Sir, shouldn't you sit down?

(ALL CHATTERlNG)

BARF: What're they saying?

Well, it's obvious they want us to go with them.

(DlNKS CHATTERlNG)

What is this place? lt looks like the Temple of Doom.

Well, it sure ain't Temple Beth lsrael.

Come on. l think we'd better follow them.

(STATUE HlSSlNG)

Oh-oh. l think we woke it up.

Goodbye, folks! Let me know how it turns out.

Come back here, Dot!

Come on. We gotta keep going.

We need you.

What's gonna happen now?

Don't ask. Maybe it won't.

But what if it does? l don't know about you, but l'm all for leaving. l say we get out of here right now, while the going. . .

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

YOGURT: Silence!

Who dares enter the sacred and awesome presence of the everlasting know-it-all, Yogurt?

ALL: Yogurt?

You heard of me?

Heard of you? Who hasn't heard of Yogurt?

Yogurt, the wise.

Yogurt, the all-powerful.

Yogurt, the magnificent.

Please, don't make a fuss. l'm just plain Yogurt.

But you're the one. . .

Yes. l am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe as the. . .

The Force?

No. The Schwartz.

ALL: The Schwartz!

Yes, the Schwartz.

But, Yogurt, what is this place? What is it that you do here?

Merchandising.

Merchandising? What's that?

Merchandising.

Come, l'll show you. Open up the store.

(DlNKS CHATTERlNG)

Come! Walk this way. Take a look.

We put the picture's name on everything !

Merchandising, where the real money from the movie is made.

SpacebaIIs, The T-shirt.

Spaceballs, The Coloring Book.

Spaceballs, The Lunch Box.

Spaceballs, The Breakfast Cereal.

Spaceballs, The Flamethrower.

The kids love this one.

Last, but not least, SpacebaIIs, The Doll. Me.

(WlNDlNG)

May the Schwartz be with you.

(DlNKS CHUCKLlNG)

Adorable.

WOMAN: (SlNGlNG) Hot together Hot So hot together Baby, we could be hot...

(BOTH EXCLAlMlNG)

President Skroob.

What is it? l have an urgent message from Lord Helmet. He's lost the Princess.

Where?

Somewhere in the sands of Vega.

Tell them to comb the desert. Do you hear me? Comb the desert!

Yes, sir.

Sir? What?

Are we being too literal?

No, you fool. We're following orders.

We were told to comb the desert, so we're combing it.

Found anything yet?

Nothing yet, sir.

DARK HELMET: How about you?

Not a thing, sir.

What about you guys?

We ain't found shit!

lt's a big mystery. None of the wise men could tell me what it means.

Wise men, pshaw. Wise guys, you mean. What do they know?

Here, let me take a look.

(GlBBERlNG)

You can read it!

No, l was just clearing my throat.

Here, let me take a. . .

Oh, yes. Yes, of course!

You understand it?

Yes. What's it say? l cannot tell you that now. lt shall be revealed to you at the proper time.

Great.

Come on, don't be disappointed.

Back to your Schwartz training.

Here, take the ring. Point it at that big statue.

Okay. But l still don't understand how l'm going to lift that big statue with this little ring.

Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

Come on, concentrate! Here we go!

Concentrate.

(GRUNTlNG)

(CONTlNUES GRUNTlNG)

(RUMBLlNG)

YOGURT: Lone Starr, you're doing it!

l can't believe it! The Schwartz, it's working !

Hey, boss, how'd you do that?

(YELPlNG)

Give me the ring, quick.

(CHANTlNG)

Upsy-daisy!

(GROANlNG)

Sorry, Barf.

(GRUNTlNG)

(GROANlNG)

Keep searching.

(SlGHlNG) lt's no use, sir. We've searched everywhere.

Wait. l feel the presence of the Schwartz.

The Schwartz? Yes. lt's coming from somewhere down there.

You're right, sir. There's a secret entrance here.

And look at this insignia. lt's a "Y."

Yogurt! l hate yogurt!

Even with strawberries! l'll call for the attack squad, sir.

No, we can't go in there. Yogurt has the Schwartz. lt's far too powerful.

But, sir, your ring. Don't you have the Schwartz, too?

He got the upside. l got the downside.

There's two sides to every Schwartz.

Then how are we gonna go in there and get her?

We will not go in there.

She will come out to us.

KlNG ROLAND: Vespa, my child. Where are you?

Daddy?

Vespa, it's your father, King Roland.

Come to me.

Daddy? l hear you. Where are you?

Follow my voice.

Come to me.

Vespa, where are you going?

Vespa, come to me.

Daddy. ls it really you?

Yes, my dear. l guarantee it. Would l lie?

Daddy.

(EXCLAlMS)

DOT: No, Vespa, don't!

(EXCLAlMS)

(GROANS)

Fooled you.

(DARK HELMET LAUGHlNG)

Take them both aboard and put the Princess in my quarters.

Yes, sir.

Now she is mine.

What's the matter? What are they saying?

They've taken the Princess.

(DlNKS CHATTERlNG)

(SPACESHlP RUMBLlNG)

Spaceballs. Too late.

Don't worry, boss. We'll get her back.

Thanks for the gas, Yogurt.

You're welcome. And here!

Just in case you get hungry.

A fortune cookie? Yes!

Remember, open it before you eat it.

Thanks. We better get going. l wonder, will we ever see each other again?

Who knows? God willing, we'll all meet again in Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money.

Goodbye, Lone Starr.

Goodbye, Yogurt.

The ring of the Schwartz!

No, l can't take this.

Take it. You might need it.

Thanks. l'll never forget you.

Wish me luck.

(DlNKS CHATTERlNG)

So, Princess Vespa, at last l have you in my clutches to have my way with you the way l want to.

No, please! Leave me alone.

No, you are mine.

(MlMlCKlNG LONE STARR) Not so fast, Helmet.

Lone Starr.

Yes, it's me. l'm here to save my girlfriend.

Hi, honey.

Now you are going to die.

(MlMlCKlNG GROANlNG)

(MlMlCKlNG BARF) Hey, what'd you do to my friend?

The same thing l'm going to do to you, big boy.

And you, too.

Now, Princess Vespa, at last we are alone.

No, l hate you. Leave me alone!

Yet l find you strangely attractive.

Of course you do.

Druish princesses are often attracted to money and power.

And l have both. And you know it.

Leave me alone! No, kiss me!

No! Yes! No!

No! Yes!

(MOANlNG)

Your helmet is so big.

Lord Helmet. What?

You're needed on the bridge, sir!

Knock on my door. Knock next time!

Yes, sir.

Did you see anything? No, sir. l didn't see you playing with your dolls.

Good.

(GASPS) President Skroob. l told you never to call me on this wall. This is an unlisted wall.

Sorry, sir, but it's vey important.

The Princess has just been brought to your office and Lord Helmet and Colonel Sandurz are awaiting you there.

All right. Tell them l'll be right there.

Yes, sir!

(ZlPPlNG)

(GROANS)

(FLUSHlNG)

Helmet, you fiend! What's going on?

What are you doing to my daughter?

Permit me to introduce the brilliant young plastic surgeon, Dr. Phillip Schlotkin.

The greatest nose job man in the entire universe and Beverly Hills.

Your Highness.

Nose job? l don't understand.

She's already had a nose job. lt was her sweet-sixteen present.

No, it's not what you think. It's much, much worse. lf you do not give me the combination to the air shield, Dr. Schlotkin will give your daughter back her old nose.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

No!

Where did you get that?

All right, l'll tell!

No, Daddy, no, you mustn't!

You're right, my dear. l'll miss your new nose.

But l will not tell him the combination, no matter what.

Vey well. Dr. Schlotkin, do your worst.

My pleasure.

KlNG ROLAND: No! Wait! l'll tell.

DARK HELMET: I knew it would work. All right, give it to me.

The combination is:

One.

(BOTH REPEATlNG)

Two.

(BOTH REPEATlNG)

Three.

Four.

Five.

So the combination is 1 -2-3-4-5.

That's the stupidest combination l ever heard in my life!

That's the kind of thing an idiot would have on his luggage!

Thank you, Your Highness.

What did you do? l turned off the wall.

No, you turned off the whole movie. l must have pressed the wrong button.

(lNDlSTlNCT MOANlNG) Put the movie back on !

Yes, sir.

You gotta get that thing fixed.

We're back! And we have the combination !

Schlotkin ! What?

We're done with you.

Go back to the golf course and work on your putts.

Let's go, Arnold. Come, Gretchen.

Of course, you know l'll still have to bill you for this.

l bet she gives great helmet.

Did it work? Where's the King? lt worked, sir. We have the combination.

Great. Now we can take every last breath of fresh air from Planet Druidia.

What's the combination?

1 -2-3-4-5.

1 -2-3-4-5?

Yes.

That's amazing. l've got the same combination on my luggage.

Prepare SpacebaII One for immediate departure.

Yes, sir.

And change the combination on my luggage.

(GROANS)

There it is. Spaceball City, straight ahead.

Good, l'm taking her in.

GUARD: What the hell is that thing?

GUARD 1 : lt looks like a Winnebago with wings.

Hey, you can't park here!

Yeah, can't you guys read? "No parking."

(MlMlCS KlSSlNG)

That son of a. . .

All right, hands up. You're under arrest for illegal parking.

Yeah !

(GUARDS YELLlNG)

MAN ON PA: Warden Miller, you're wanted in V-17.

Attention. Section C scanners, report.

Nah.

She's gotta be in one of these cells.

(WHlSPERlNG) Yeah, but which one?

No. No.

VESPA: (SlNGlNG) Nobody knows lt's coming from here.

That can't be her.

The trouble l've seen Nobody knows but Jesus lt's her.

Nobody knows The trouble l've seen She's a bass.

VESPA: (SlNGlNG) Glory hallelujah

(GROANS)

What do you want? lt's me. lt's us.

Lone Starr. How did you find us?

No time to talk. Come on.

We gotta move.

Barf! How'd you do it?

(WHlSPERlNG)

Those are the guys that stole our uniforms!

And beat the shit out of us, too!

(SHUDDERlNG)

We got company.

Watch out!

Damn it! That's our only way out.

We're trapped. l hate these movies.

(GROANlNG) l'm out of ammo!

Get back! l'll hold them off. l got an idea!

DOT: What's he doing?

(BARF GRUNTlNG)

(GROANlNG)

Good work.

More ping-pongs. Run for it.

Let's go!

lt's closing !

The door's closing !

Go for broke!

(ALL SCREAMlNG)

Don't move or you're dead. Stand up!

Captain, we've got them.

Spectacular stunt, my friends, but all for naught.

Turn around, please.

What a pity.

So, Princess, you thought you could outwit the imperious force of. . .

(GASPS)

You idiots!

These are not them. You've captured their stunt doubles.

Search the area. Find them !

LONE STARR: Hurry up. Get aboard. l'll hold them off.

Open the door! l can't, it's fused.

What about this one? lt's locked.

Where are the keys? lnside.

Oh, great! Duck!

Here, you hold them off. l'll get the door. l ain't shooting this thing. l hate guns.

My hair. He shot my hair!

You son of a bitch !

Holy shit!

How was that?

Not bad.

Not bad for a girl.

That was pretty good for Rambo!

Let's blow this joint.

(FOOTSTEPS POUNDlNG)

SANDURZ: President Skroob! Salute!

ALL: Hail, Skroob.

The ship is too big. lf l walk, the movie will be over.

Sir. Yes?

(GASPS)

Never have that damn thing down in front of me.

How do l know you're not making faces at me under that thing?

SANDURZ: President Skroob. Yes?

There it is, Planet Druidia.

(EXCLAlMlNG) Planet Druidia. And 1 0,000 years of fresh air.

The way he runs things, it won't last 1 00.

What?

Preparing ship for metamorphosis, sir.

Good. Get on with it.

Ready, Kafka?

Look, it's Spaceball One.

They've reached the air shield.

DOT: And it's opening.

The ship's too big. They'll never get through.

How will they get the air out? l don't see any hoses or anything.

What's happening?

The ship. Changing.

Oh, my gosh. lt's not just a spaceship. lt's a transformer.

DOT: lt's changing into...

BARF: A gigantic...

VESPA: Maid!

LONE STARR: With a vacuum cleaner.

So that's how they're gonna get the air out.


Metamorphosis completed, sir. SpacebaII One has now become

Megamaid.

Good !

Remarkable.

Now, commence Operation Vacu-Suck.

(MEGAMAlD WHlRRlNG)

TOGETHER: Suck.

(GASPlNG) Goodbye, little Vespa.

My little baby Vespa.

(GASPlNG)

The air bag, it's almost full.

DOT: What do we do?

We've gotta act fast.

Step one: We reverse the vacuum and blow the air back onto the planet.

Step two: We destroy that thing.

But isn't that dangerous?

Extremely.

Plus, l don't know how the hell we're gonna do it.

What about that ring Yogurt gave you?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, boss. Give it a shot!

Okay. Here goes nothing.

VESPA: Look at that.

Wow!

BARF: lt's working.

VESPA: Come on, Schwartz!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

Helmet, what's going on?

Sandurz, what's going on? lt's Megamaid. She's gone from suck to blow.

What? They're getting all their air back. Do something.

Do something !

ON PA: Do something!

(WlND BLOWlNG)

l'm breathing.

Air.

Air!

Dim the lights.

Dimming the lights.

LONE STARR: Go to infrared.

Going to infrared.

Pray to God.

Praying to God.

(BEEPlNG)

DOT: (PANlCKlNG) Careful.

What are you doing?

Scanning.

(WHlRRlNG)

There's gotta be a self-destruct mechanism somewhere in the central brain area.

l think we just found it.

Where? Watch.

(FLlPPlNG SWlTCH)

Bingo! There it is. lt's right below us.

Put her in hover, Barf.

Putting her in hover. l'm going down there.

He's going down there. l wouldn't.


What the hell are you doing?

The Vulcan neck pinch?

No, stupid. You got it much too high. lt's down here where the shoulder meets the neck.

Like this?

Yeah.

Thanks.

AUTOMATED VOlCE: Hand print identification, please.

(BEEPlNG)

Thanks again.

ls that you, Mylar?

Who are you? What are you doing with that?

This!

(SCREAMS)

(GROANlNG)

Sweet dreams.

Not so fast, Lone Starr.

Helmet.

So. At last we meet for the first time for the last time.

(lNAUDlBLE)

Before you die, there is something you should know about us, Lone Starr.

What? l am your father's brother's nephew's cousin's former roommate.

What's that make us?

Absolutely nothing!

Which is what you are about to become.

Prepare to die.

You have the ring, and l see your Schwartz is as big as mine.

Now let's see how well you handle it.

(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

(SCREAMlNG)

(STUTTERS)

He did it.

What?

Shit! l hate it when l get my Schwartz twisted.

Maybe if l put my leg up on yours, we could scoot apart, like...

Good. Yeah, on three. One, two, three, go!

(CRACKLlNG)

(LAUGHlNG)

(BOTH GRUNTlNG)

(GROANlNG)

So, Lone Starr, Yogurt has taught you well. lf there's one thing l despise, it is a fair fight.

But if I must, then l must.

May the best man win.

Put her there.

The ring! l can't believe you fell for the oldest trick in the book.

What a goof! What's with you, man? Come on.

You know what? Here, let me give it back to you.

Look at that! You fell for that, too.

I can't believe it, man.

So, Lone Starr, now you see that evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Vey impressive, Lone Starr.

Too bad this isn't the Wide World of Sports.

YOGURT: Use the Schwartz, Lone Starr. Use the Schwartz. l can't. l lost the ring.

Forget the ring. The ring is bupkis. l found it in a Cracker Jack box.

The Schwartz is in you, Lone Starr. lt's in you.

All right. l'll try.

Say goodbye to your two best friends.

And l don't mean your pals in the Winnebago.

(SCREAMlNG)

AUTOMATED VOlCE: Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.

This ship will self-destruct in three minutes.

(ALARM BLARlNG)

What's going on? Where the hell are we? Paris?

Thank you for pressing the self-destruct button.

This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes and 45 seconds.

You've got to stop it. ls there any way to stop it? l can't. lt's irreversible.

Like my raincoat.

Attention, this is Colonel Sandurz in forward command.

Abandon ship!

All personnel proceed to escape pods.

Close down the circus. Evacuate the zoo.

The self-destruct mechanism has been activated. Abandon ship.

Sandurz, you gotta help me. l don't know what to do. l can't make decisions. l'm a president!

AUTOMATED VOlCE: This is your two-minute warning.

This ship will self-destruct in exactly two minutes.

SANDURZ ON PA: Launch all escape pods as soon as they are filled.

What's happening? Where is he?

CHORUS: (SlNGlNG) Spaceballs Watch out!

Where is he? LONE STARR: Here.

We've got a minute and 40 before the end of the world. Hang on.

Spaceballs

Full throttle. Full throttle.

Go to hyper-jets! Going to hyper-jets.

MAN: (SlNGlNG) lf you're livin' in a bubble and you haven't got a care Get out of there. Where do you think you're going?

Pizza to go!

Well, you're gonna be in trouble

'Cause we're gonna steal your air

'Cause what you got is what we need And all we do is dirty deeds We're the Spaceballs Watch out!

'Cause we're the Spaceballs

(GROWLlNG)

That's my escape pod. Who are you? l'm the bearded lady. What are you, one of the freaks?

(LAUGHlNG)

Come back! That's my pod ! No!

Come back, you fat, bearded bitch !

One pod left. And three of us. And l'm the president.

Well, boys, it's a very lovely ship. l think you should go down with it.

Goodbye!

What the hell's the matter with this seat belt?

(SCREAMlNG)

(GROWLS)

(LAUGHlNG)

Spaceballs AUTOMATED VOlCE: This ship will self-destruct in 20 seconds.

This is your last chance to push the cancellation button.

Cancellation button? Hurry!

CHORUS: (SlNGlNG) Spaceballs

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

Where is it? lt's gotta be here.

SKROOB: Out of order?

Fuck! Even in the future nothing works.

AUTOMATED VOlCE: This ship will self-destruct in exactly 1 0 seconds.

(ALL SHUDDERlNG)

Counting down.

Ten. Nine.

Eight.

Six.

Six? What happened to seven?

Just kidding.

There's the other end. Faster!

Seven.

Six. Five. Four.

Three. Two. One.

Have a nice day.

ALL: Thank you.

VESPA: We did it!

(ALL CHEERlNG)

(HOWLlNG)

We all did it.

(SPACEBALLS SCREAMlNG)

So, l guess you might call that a case of man bites droid?

On a sadder note, Pizza the Hutt, famed half man, half pizza, was found dead earlier today in the back seat of his stretched limo.

Evidently, the notorious gangster became locked in his car and ate himself to death.

Coming up, Pongo's review of Rocky 5,000.

Pongo.

PONGO: Whoever said when you've seen...

Did you hear that? Pizza kicked the bucket.

Now we don't have to pay him the million. We can keep it for ourselves.

(SlGHlNG)

Daddy!

Vespa, my darling. l thought l'd never see you again.

My sweet little daughter. l'm so happy that you're home and safe.

And, little Vespa, here's someone else who's happy to see you.

Hello. Where have you been?

(MUSlC PLAYlNG ON RADlO)

Thanks, hon.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Hiya, big stuff. Hi, dream.

What will you have?

We just got a couple minutes while we're gassing up. What's ready? l can give you the space soup, or the space special.

LONE STARR: l'll have the soup.

Okay. l'll have the cleavage. Special.

Okay, one special and one soup.

Ready to order?

Hi, yes.

We'll both have the lunafish.

Anything to drink?

Hey, watch where you're sticking that thing.

(EXCLAlMS)

Look, it's got a mind of its own, sweetheart. l can't do a thing with it.

(HOWLlNG)

So, we were lost. None of us knew where we were.

And then Harry began feeling around on all the trees.

Then he said, "l got it. We on Pluto."

And we say, "Harry, how can you tell?"

He said, "From the bark, you dummies."

(GROANlNG) ls he all right?

MAN 1 : Yeah, the guy digs me.

Hey, what's wrong with this guy? l don't know.

(JOHN GROANlNG)

Bring him some water!

Water, my ass! Bring this guy some Pepto-Bismol !

Waitress! What did he order?

He had the special.

That's what l ordered. Change my order to the soup.

Good move.

(GROANlNG)

(SNARLlNG)

Oh, no. Not again !

(EXCLAlMlNG)

(GROWLlNG)

(SlNGlNG) Hello, my baby Hello, my honey Hello, my ragtime gal Send me a kiss by wire Baby, my heart's on fire lf you refuse me, Honey, you'll lose me Then you'll be left alone Oh, baby, telephone and tell me l'm your own

BOTH: Check, please.

Five minutes to magic time.

Are you all right, my dear? You look a little flighty.

Don't worry about me, Father. l'm completely over him.

(SCOFFS)

Didn't even stay for the wedding.

Just grabbed his million space bucks and ran.

He didn't take the million.

He didn't?

No. He just took 248 space bucks for lunch, gas and tolls.

l still can't believe you turned down the money.

At least we could have stayed for the wedding feast. l'm starving.

Have you got anything to eat?

Wait a minute. Yogurt gave me that fortune cookie.

Here, chow down.

Wow, thanks. l'll split it with you.

No. Okay.

BOTH: Yogurt!

Hello, boys.

Well, you opened your fortune cookie, so here's your fortune.

Lone Starr, you know that medallion that you wear around your neck but you don't know what it means?

Here's what it means. lt's a royal birth certificate.

Yes! Your father was a king. Your mother was a queen.

Which makes you a certified prince.

Hey, l'm a prince! l'm a prince. Which means. . .

Which means, if you hury, there could be a princess in your future. lf you want to get back there before she marries Sleeping Beauty, there's a special can of fuel in your glove compartment.

Good luck, boys.

Bye, Yogurt.

And, Yogurt, thanks.

You're welcome.

And may the Schwartz be with you!

(SCATTlNG GlBBERlSH)

Barf, open that glove compartment.

You got it, Your Highness.

Wow! Liquid Schwartz!

Quick, pour it in the emergency tank.

Right.

Look at that.

Done!

Hang on, Barf, we're gonna make spacetracks.

(ENGlNES REVVlNG)

(SPACEBALLS SCREAMlNG)


(GULLS CAWlNG)

Dear me, what are those things coming out of her nose?

Hey, watch my helmet.

(GRUNTlNG)

Spaceballs?

Oh, shit. There goes the planet.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here together

Why didn't you tell me he didn't take the money? l didn't think it was important.

May l continue, please?

Besides, he asked me not to tell you.

Thank you.

To join Princess Vespa and Princess Valium. . . l'm sorry, it's the hair.

Prince Valium in the bonds of holy matrimony. l see it all now. Don't you see? He loves me! l'm trying to conduct a wedding here, which has nothing to do with love.

Please be quiet. l'm sorry. l'm sorry. l'm sorry, too.

Don't be sorry. Be quiet!

ALL THREE: l'm sorry!

To join Princess Vespa and Prince Valium in the bonds of holy

(RUMBLlNG) moly!

(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

Matrimony.

That's him ! l know it's him. He's come back.

That's it! l'm gonna take no more chances. We're doing the short version.

Prince Valium, do you take Princess Vespa to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Princess Vespa, do you take Prince Valium to be your lawfully wedded husband?

(STUTTERlNG) Well, l suppose.

Well. . . Oh, l don't know.

LONE STARR: No! She doesn't!

What?

(ALL GASPlNG)

Who the hell are you?

Prince Lone Starr.

Prince? l just found out. That's what this says. l'm an honest to God prince.

Will you marry me?

Well, let me think about it.

Yes. l'm sick of this. l don't give a damn who it is, but l'm gonna marry somebody today!

Who are you? l'm the best man.

What's your name? Barf.

Your full name.

Barfolomew.

Are you the one that's getting married?

No.

Then get over there!

Okay, here we go. The short, short version.

Do you? Yes.

Do you? Yes!

Good. You're married. Kiss her. l love you.

(SNlFFLlNG) Well, goodbye, Virgin Alarm.


(SPACEBALLS PLAYlNG)

MAN: (SlNGlNG) lf you're livin' in a bubble and you haven't got a care

Well, you're gonna be in trouble

'Cause we're gonna steal your air

'Cause what you got is what we need And all we do is dirty deeds We're the Spaceballs CHORUS: Watch out!

'Cause we're the Spaceballs We're the masters of space MAN: Hey, don't mess around With the Spaceballs

Going cruising in a spaceship We're so good at being bad

We'll destroy your little planet if you ever get us mad

We're mothers of the galaxy You better scatter when you see The Spaceballs!

Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs We're the masters of space Say what? Don't mess around With the Spaceballs Watch out!


We're mothers of the galaxy We're gonna take the air you breathe Oh, Spaceballs!

Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs We're the masters of space Don't mess around with the Spaceballs Duck! Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs We're the masters of space Don't mess around with the Spaceballs Watch out!

We've got a bossin' little ship So you better watch your lip

'Cause we're the Spaceballs Watch out!

You may think that you are bad But believe you can be had By the Spaceballs Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs Watch out!

We're the Spaceballs We're the masters of space Don't mess around with the Spaceballs We're so bad and mean We make nightmares out of dreams We're the Spaceballs

You better Watch out!

(MAN LAUGHlNG)