Sparrows Can't Sing (1963) Script

♪ Ain't it a shame

♪ Sparrows can't sing

♪ Think of the joy

♪ Sparrows might bring

♪ But all they can do

♪ Is fly in the sky

♪ And fly and fly

♪ And fly

♪ Ain't it a shame

♪ Kisses can't fly

♪ There'd be no more

♪ Kisses goodbye

♪ But all I can do

♪ Is lie here and sigh

♪ And cry and cry and cry

♪ The charms he had were well and truly hidden

♪ It ain't just what he did

♪ It's what he didn't

♪ He didn't say

♪ "Dear, you're divine"

♪ Nor did he say

♪ "Darling, be mine"

♪ So why do I see

♪ In him everything

♪ Well, sparrows

♪ Poor sparrows

♪ Pretty sparrows

♪ Can't sing ♪ It's grand, ain't it? Two years with the wrong ship.

Charlie Gooding.

Logged 20 times, drunk in Perth, Mombasa, Lagos, Venezuela, and you thumped a ship's officer.

Quite a trip, eh? I've a good mind to do it again.

Let's go down the market pubs and have a wee drink.

Nah, the wife will be waiting up for me.

After two years? Yeah.

You want to bang on the knocker, let the boyfriend get out the back door.

I could be away for ten years. She'd still be waiting up.

Love 'em and leave 'em, that's what I always says.

Where you going?

I'm going to get you in a taxi, mate. See you get home all right this time, eh?

Fancy coming for eggs and bacon? Oh, I'm away on me own honeymoon.

Oh, this is marvellous, ain't it?

Away two years and not a taxi in sight.

Oi, taxi!

Get that cigar out of my taxi. Why?


Take that as well.

See you.

Nellie? Yeah, what is it?

Nellie, where are you?

What's the matter?

Aren't you dressed yet? Get weaving and get the place tidied up.

Your Uncle Charlie's expected back today.

You're not bringing him in here. Ain't I got enough to put up with?

You shut up and get out and get some work done.

Wait till he finds out what's been happening, eh?

Oh, mind your own business, fish-head. After all, he is your brother.

Morning, Jack. Afternoon, Fred.

The old girl in?

No, up like a lark, gone down to the market.

You know what we're expecting?

No. Trouble.

Charlie? Yeah.

If I told her once, I told her 50 times not to have any more truck with him.

You know what she's like.

Thinks the sun shines out of his bell-bottoms.

Yeah, silly old git.

Don't talk to me about her and her ways.

There you go.

Cheerio, then, Jock.

Aye-aye. Ho-ho, blimey, yeah.

Give her my love. I will, yeah.

Breakfast in bed now, eh? I'll tell her what you've been up to.

What about all them tartan babies you left in Lagos?

See you next trip? Yeah, on Woolwich ferry.

Oh, hello, Georgie. Oh, morning, Nell.

Here, I've... Yeah?

Well... What is it?

Don't forget to leave money out for the laundry.

All right.

Been there all night? Oh, no.

What have you come as? Never seen a whistle like that.

He's landed, Fred. He's looking for her.

Good... What? Nellie, get off to work. Lock the door.

If anyone comes, don't let them in. Oh, all right.

Get that old thing away from the front of the house.

Showing us up!

I don't want any trouble out of you this morning, darling. You understand?

There, go on. Get the juices through.

That's it. Go on.

Come on, you sexpot.

Good luck, Dad.

Turn the gas off. I left the water running.

You ready then, Nell, are you? Oh, nearly. I've had to help my Mum.

Want a cup of tea?

I must be in early this morning to get through today.

Why, what for? I've got tonight coming on, haven't I?

What's tonight? Performing my song at Queenie's.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I'd better hurry. Won't be a minute.

♪ My baby and me got a loving date ♪


Where's all the houses? Down, ain't they?

Yeah, but this used to be my street.

Pulled them down before they fell down.

Where's all the people? Gone.

Couldn't pull 'em down with the people still in 'em.

Used to be my kitchen. Want to buy it?

I'll have the upstairs flat if it's still going.

Find it a bit draughty now, wouldn't you?

What happened to the fellow that hung out of that window?

Fell out when we pulled next door down.

Wasn't supposed to come down. There'll be a row about that.

My guvnor won't be happy till it's all down.

People are afraid to go out shopping in case their houses are pulled down.

Using a caravan himself.

Reckons everybody ought to go on wheels.

Fine thing, ain't it?

Away two years, bird flown. Eh?

It's a dirty old drum, eh? Historical dwellings.

Pulled 'em down before they fell down.

Fancy sleeping with that wallpaper. Better than my old woman.

Hey, Charlie! Here, here's Charlie.

Hello, Charlie.

Oh, Charlie. Hello.

You've got a cheek to show your face around here after all this time.

Yeah, she had to find a new boyfriend. Oh, shut up.

Yeah, they've pulled all the houses down, haven't they?

Oh, yeah. It's new, look. You see? It's all new.

All that lot came down months ago. Yeah, didn't you know?

Eh? Oh, yeah. Big, ain't they? Yeah.

Yeah, 18 floors. The lift broke down last week.

Yeah, needs a lot of curtains.

They put all the old 'uns at the top to kill 'em off.

Saves the pensions, don't it?

Won't Maggie be pleased to see him? Oh, wouldn't I like to be in her shoes!

That little boy of yours ain't half shot up, Charlie.

We saw him going to school with his pimple hat on.

Here, Maggie still staying at her sister's, is she?

Oh yeah. That's right, yeah.

Down Cable Street? Yeah.

Give her my love. Er...

What number was it again? 63, wasn't it?

No, 93. Oh.


Oh, yeah, yeah. Cheerio.

Bye. Bye.

Bye, Charlie. See you later.

It'll be a hot time in the old town tonight.

Bye. He looks all played out, don't he?

Mum? Mum? Oh, there you are. Guess who's back.

Old Nick. Right first time. It's him.

No, not my Charlie? What, my boy Charlie?

What's wrong with him? He's home.

Lovely fellow. He's a bloody terror.

When you've cried your eyes out you might recall what happened last time.

Fights down here, punches up in the Red Lion, riots down Cable Street.

I got my bad leg kicked. He's not too bad.

I'm going home to make a nice meat pudding.

Meat pudding? He's raking the streets for her.

Don't bring him round our place. Give us a nice cabbage.

Shouldn't be surprised if he don't finish her off this time.

And my car's broke down.

Er, excuse me.

Do you know a little lady, Maggie Gooding?

Say again, please.

Er... Maggie Gooding, a little blonde lady.

Upstairs, upstairs.

Upstairs? Oh.

What's the matter, man? Why are you crying, mister?

Because my feet are killing me. That's why I'm crying.

Are you looking for somebody?

Have you lost your woman?

What's your woman's name? Maggie.

Well, then, if it's Maggie, we've got one beautiful Maggie here.

Maggie? Maggie?


Is this the Maggie you lost, my friend?

I wish it was.

You lost one Maggie, you find another one.

You've been keeping bad company again.

You forced an entrance into an off-license and you were later found drunk on the premises.

Am I right? Yes, Miss Gibbs.

So, Michael...

Have you seen Maggie this morning? Who?

Maggie. Our Charlie's Maggie. She just went by with the bus driver.

Her husband's home. Oh, blimey!

If you see her, tell her I'm looking for her.

Hello, Nellie. Ain't going to work, are you?

Why not? Well, the sun's out.

I'm going tadpoling down by the river. Hey, Nell, wait for us.

Uncle Charlie! You're back. Nellie, ain't it?

Did you have a nice time? Not bad.

We ain't half looked forward to seeing you.

Yeah, I bet you have. Yeah, everybody has.

See you later. Got to go to work. Mind how you go.

You get good jobs down the labour, Chunk.

That's why I ain't going. I might come and watch you later though.

Don't bother. Nellie, see you in the tea break.

You want to get a job.

What do I want to work for when I can walk the streets?

Yeah, poncing off us. I'll throw you in the canal.

Aye-aye, the fleet's in! Hello, Jack, me old shipmate.

How are you? How's the birds?

They're all right. How's yours? Queuing up.

Have a good trip? Not bad.

When you going back? Do us a favour. I've just arrived.

Hello, Charlie. How you doing? Hello, ducks.

Things are looking up round here. When did she come in?

Oh, yeah! Put the kettle on, then.

How many lumps? Seven.

Fred! You there?

I'm in the music room. Eh? He's in at the front door.

Who left it open? You did.

Did I? Yeah.

What am I going to do with him? Drown him.

Tell him we're away on our holidays. Don't let him in.


Aye-aye, skipper!

Where's he got to then? Hey, what's that?

No, they ain't in, mate. All right, then.

Cheerio, Fred. I'll be back.

You off? Maggie still work down that bakery?

I don't know. I ain't seen her, boy. Yeah, she does.

Cheerio, darling. Ooh!

The dirty beast.

Fred? Fred?

He's here. Oh, Fred.

Do you know who we've just seen? Yes.

Your brother. What do you think's going to happen?

Does he know... Yes. Mind your own business.

Coast's clear, Fred. I know.

Oh, ain't he lovely. Who, me?

Nah... look at the way his tail's drooping.

Go away, will you? Go on!

All right! There's no need to be narky.

Back on your beat.

Oh, hello. Fancy seeing you in here. Hello, Bridgie.

Hey, do you know? What?

Oh, never mind. How's Bert? Oh, he's fine.

Kids all right? Yeah, they're dolly.

How's Fred? Let's talk about something else.

Have you seen that Instant Relief? Yeah, over there.

Ooh, Constant Bubble.

What was you going to say when you just said did I know?

I don't know. Have you tried them French capers?

Don't half-start conversations, Bridge. I was just wondering, that's all.

Well, what about? About your old man.

What, my Bert? No, Charlie.

Charlie, your legal spouse.

What do you want to dig him up for? Would you have him back?

No, I wouldn't, not with brass knobs on.

Well, I've heard a rumour he's on his way.

He won't show up on this manor again.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

Well, I heard from a mate of his that he was in Venezuela in the nick.

Do you reckon that will go down well with salt beef?

Go down with anything. Supposing he is on his way?

Oh, gawd, no. He won't show up again. I don't want any more trouble out of him.

What would Bert say?

We ain't got no room for any more lodgers.

No, you got to be careful in them new council flats.

Every order was given out wrong so I'm nagging you.

You'd think I'd run away from home. You don't have the courage!

Two plavas for the Goldbergs. 2lb strudel for the Catholic church outing.

Two Danish for the nuns, the bar mitzvah for the Levinskys.

50lb strudel and a bath full of chopped liver.

Hello, darling. You maschugana...

It's just dawned on me. I know who you are.

It's Harry.

No, Syd. No, Charlie.

Is Maggie here this morning? I wish Maggie was here this morning.

I've got a load of work to get out here.

I'm run off me feet. She here this afternoon?

She's lying at home with that low-life.

No, it's her husband.

I mean, it's her husband. She's lying at home with her husband.

What's all this about her husband? I don't know nothing.

He never has known nothing. No, nothing.

He's a schlemiel. All I know is, she ain't here.

You can see. You got the orders for Mrs Goldberg?

Oh, yes, the two plavas, yes, and stuffed monkeys for the Schmuckers.

Never mind the Schmuckers. Where is she?

I haven't seen him. Nobody's seen him. She's not seen him.

Look, I got a bad heart.

Tell him, Momma. Look what you've done to the strudel.

Oh, ta.

Momma, I was...

What are you doing down there? I don't know.

Wiping the strudel off my fingers.

Who is this husband of hers? Which husband of hers?

He's not from these parts, is he? Southend way.

Yes, he's from Bermondsey. Over the marshes.

He comes by night. Nobody sees him, You sure he ain't a 7ft Irish dwarf with hairy arms?

No, he's not.

What's he like then?

I'll tell you what he's like. He's a tall, dark fella.

Comes off the boats, a madman.

Like me?

It is you.

Oy gevalt. Had a good trip?

Well, er...

When will she be in, then? She don't come in no more.


I'll pop back in this afternoon, then, eh?

Eh? We... we gave her the sack.

You gave her the sack?

Oh, er, Arnold?

If I find you're having a go at me, I'll buy my strudel at Grodzinski's.




Oh, no, you're not.

It's no use making a secret of it. He'll find her before the day's out.

It's about time somebody went and warned her to get back to where she belongs. Back to Bethnal Green.

Where she should never have left in the first place.

If he catches hold...

Hey, Charlie! He's here!


Hello, Charlie. Hello, Mum.

Come and make yourself at home.

I got a nice meat pudding for you. I got one in my case from last time.

I've got a load of presents for you. What about ours?

You go away and play for five minutes. Ah, get away!

I want to talk to your Uncle Charlie. Who's a lovely girl?

Put it over there, will you? Blimey.

Hey, Bridge, clear the table, will you? Give me a chance.

It's about time you got some new wallpaper.

You don't have to live here. Still crying, Mum?

She cries when you go and she cries when you come back.

She loves it, don't she?

Here we go.

Ba-boom! Ooh.

There we are, Mum.

That is for you.

You shouldn't have.

I thought you'd like a bit of ham with your tea, darling.

Well, hurry up, where's mine? Here you are, then.

That is for you.

Oh, Charlie, it's lovely. Put it on, then.

Oh, it's too good to wear. Come on.

You look marvellous in it. Ooh, you're a sexy beast.

Good enough to eat, ain't you?

I got this for the kids. Just leave them there.

It's real silk. Got it in Hong Kong. What, no tea?

You can get that down the corner shop.

You've had a right old game by the looks of things.

Yeah. Yeah, I've been walking round Cable Street, Fraser Street, down that bakery.

She's not there. Where's she got to?

That's chasing all those black girls.

Hey, where's she gone?

Mary? I haven't set eyes on her since she moved into these new flats.

Is that where she is, then? She's not far away.

People get funny when they move places like that.

Hey, Jack's still hanging on upstairs. You'll have him left on your hands.

Coming next door to put your feet up? Yeah, I'll follow you round, Mum.

Hey, who's that for?

You know your mate Teddy? He's got himself a job in the brewery.

He's come out like a barrel. Interesting.

And our Nellie's had a bad cold. Poor Nellie.

Well, that just about disposes of everybody, don't it, eh?

I haven't seen her, Charlie.

Yeah, well, you was the cause of all the trouble last time.

If that's the way you want it, you know where to find me.

Yeah, well, where is she, Bridgie?

Started, have you? Hello, Fred.

All right, are you?

Yeah, I'm all right. You all right? Yeah, I'm all right.

Well, if you're all right and I'm all right, we're all all right.

What you got round you? Charlie gave it me.

Look, don't take the mickey, Fred. Eh?

I'm here three minutes and you start taking the mickey.

What do you feed him on? Raw pork?

Now, Charlie.

Here, I've got some whiffs for you. No, I've gone back to my pipe.

Put 'em down there. Too late.

Don't start being funny. I've no time to be funny.

Me fluid flywheel's leaking. I had to walk home.

Have you seen my tool kit? No, I haven't seen your tools.

The difficulty's getting the nut off.

I saw Knocker playing with something out there.

Stuff all over the place.


Bridgie, come in here and help me clear this muck up.

Come here.

Come in! What?

I'm fed up with you flaunting yourself around.

It's just as much my house as yours. All right, but he's in here two minutes.

You know what he's like with women. He's been away for two years.

Hey, Fred!

If you've got anything to say, come out here and say it.

You're not going out there. I am!

Take no notice. Take that quilt off.

What's all the mystery, then?

If I had a spanner, I could do it myself.

Oi, I'm talking to you. I didn't think you were talking to the cat.

Well, listen. Now, then...

Bridgie, you keep out of this. Let him ruin himself in his own juice.

Oh, sorry I spoke. So you should be.

You're forgetting what I had to put up with last time.

What you had to put up with? What about what I had to put up with?

Great big kid turning up at my wedding calling me Daddy!

That ain't going to happen again. That's history.

It may be history. I want to know what's happening now?

Nothing. Now, Bridgie.

What? You.

Me? Yeah.


I can wring your neck... Don't muck about.

...or smash your head in. Remember my bad leg.

I'll bash you round the earhole with it.

Now, look, if I get so much as a wrong word out of you this trip...


You won't get off with it as light as you did last time.

What you going to do?


See? He's started. He's started already.

Hello, Uncle Charlie.

Where's our presents?

Get out of it! You shouldn't be listening to adult talk.

Where's my L-shaped spanner?

Frightened of treading on 'em in the dark?

They're not all his, you know. Ain't got the time, have you?

I'll be surprised if you got much time left the way you used to carry on.

One girl coming in the front door, another going out the back and one on the sofa all the while.

Never had any complaints. I don't know what they see in you.

Bleedy bleedin' eyes.

You'll end up on the end of a rope. Jealousy will get you nowhere.

You're a fine one to talk. What about that one over at Ilford?

Sidcup. Not yours, his.

What are you talking about? 16 she was.

Oh. All ginger.

What did you say? Nothing.

Very handy he is. Can never get a job done when I'm in the humour.

I'm in the humour. Why don't you leave it alone?

How can I leave it alone when it's not here? You go and get her.

You're very sure she wants to see you. She's my wife.

You don't even know her address. What?

'Course I know her address.

I'm not going to go knocking on her door, am I?

She can come crawling back to me. Don't stand around. Go and get her.

All right.

Here, no. What? No, you don't.

No, you don't, mate.

I'm not having you lock yourself in that bog again.

Mind my furniture. Bridgie, go and get her.

Bridgie, do no such thing. Look, mate, you're my prisoner.

And I ain't letting you go till she comes here.

She won't come here. Oh, all right, then.

Down the Red Lion.

If she ain't here in five minutes I'll smash the place to pieces.

Right. That's right.

Hello, Jack. Hello, boys.

All right, Bridgie, go and get her. Bridgie... go and get her.

Outside on the road.

Can I come as a hostage too? Fall in.

Don't bring that filthy thing through here.

Prisoner and escort, down here on the right. Stand there!

We'll have none of that. If you don't mind.

What you doing with that bird? I'm taking it for a walk.

Bird, prisoner and escort, by the left, quick march.

Left, right, left, right. What are you playing at?

Right, left, right, left, right...

Making an exhibition of himself like that.

Have you seen the hat he's wearing?

Oh, Charlie. Oh! Hello, girls.

No, Charlie... Other leg, Fred.

Hello, mate. How's it all going?

Hello, Fred. Ain't you working? Hello, Albert.

He's my prisoner.

Still at it? How long you been home? About three minutes.

See you down the boozer. Mind how you go.

Come on, you layabouts. After all you said?

What could I do? He had me over a barrel.

Silence in the ranks!

By the left, quick march.

Left, right, left, right, left, right. The pubs are open, Charlie!

Left, right, left, right. Hup, hup, hup.

Knees up, right wheel. Hup, hup, hup.

All go, ain't it, girls? Hup, hup, hup, hup.

Left, right, left, right, left, right.

Whoa! Here, watch out!

Get out of it.

Whoa, there.

Who do you think you are, Bronco Lane?

Who let you out? Hello, Ted. How are you?

In the pink. What you doing up there?

Steady, boy, steady. Coming in for a drink?

Any time. Right, get down off that chariot.

Put the nose bags on, Perce.

Here, did you know he got married? No. Who'd have him?

Yeah. Didn't you get my card?

I wrote it from Southend on my honeymoon.

You said they'd pulled the George down. You never said you was married.

I must have forgot.

What's all that, then? Beer, ain't it?

Brewery bulge. Thought it was new bread.

Put the nose bags on, Perce.

Come and have a drink on your nephews.

See he's back then.

There's going to be murders. Eh?

'Nuff said. Come on, fall out, Fred.

Don't hang about on street corners. You'll get nicked.

He'll go berserk.

We're just going in for a quick one. We shan't be long.

Paddy, open the door, son. He's having a kip.

All right, all right.

I might have known. Well, welcome home.

How are you? Brought my brother in for his last drink.

He's my hostage. Thought he was your brother.

Oh, he'll kill him!

Hello, Fred.

You want to get that down you, boy.

You'll need it. Will I? Why?

Because if she don't turn up, I'm going to cut you up into Oxo cubes.

Nellie! Fancy coming down Barking Creek?


There's a 25,000 ton Norwegian tanker just come back from the North Pole.

Nellie, come here!

I've always wanted to go to sea. Can't you hear me?

Yeah, get marooned for months up there sometimes.

I'll burst a blood vessel! Think she wants to talk to you.

There's only going to be a murder. Don't hurry yourself!

Hey, not that way, this way, if it's not too much trouble for you.

And mind your best shoes. And hurry up.

Come on, be sharp.

Why can't you be a bit more lively when I want you to run an errand?

How did I know? Anyway, what are you doing here?

Why aren't you working?

Couldn't run your errand if I was working.

Don't be so cheeky. Listen.

I want you to nip round to your Uncle Charlie's Maggie.

Now, you'll have to use your loaf and try and see her on her own.

What name does she go under now? Briggs. Tell her...

Hello, Nellie. Hello, Georgie.

Who's that? My foreman.

You do collect some specimens.

Hello, George.

Where did you spring from? I'm lurking, ain't I?

Nell! Pinched the guvnor's van?

I'm here on business. Oh.

Nellie! He's waiting...

What is it, George? Trousers is on.

I got you on the short-time basis. Oh, thanks, Georgie.

Good little worker, you know.

Oh, yeah, yeah, if you fancy that sort of thing.

You seen her with her teeth out? Very unhealthy family.

Crippling the National Health. Mind you, she looks all right.

Oh, yeah, if you fancy that sort of thing.

Here! Yeah?

Here, you two.

I got to go round to the tower block. Oh, yeah?

I lives there, don't I? George has got to go back to work.

I don't mind dropping you off, Nell. Oh, well, if you like.

It's nicer by the canal. Won't take a minute in the van.

Are you going or not? Yeah, Georgie's giving me a lift.

I'd go myself, only I'm... What's wrong with him?

He's with your Uncle Charlie.

Well, come on, Georgie. It's urgent. Oh, yeah. All right, Nell.

Hey, here!

Here, just a minute. Hey, Nell.

What about your bike? What am I supposed to do with it?

See you around, Chunky. Ta-ra, Chunk.

Here! What about your bike?

Wham! Her old man hits Fred right round the earhole.

Fred goes down.

The door opens, in come her three brothers.

While I'm putting them away her old woman jumps over the counter, picks Fred up - she's a female wrestler.

She picks Fred up, puts him in a Chinese grip.

Round she goes and down on the ground.

She stamps on his leg. I hear the crack.

So I pick Fred up. He's always dragging me into things.

...down the ladder and away down to Bethnal Green at great speed.

Hey, the road's up round the corner. Oh, leave off, I'm in a hurry.

You expect your wife to come here? Certainly I do.

What, after two years? You must have a big head.

It don't matter even if it's ten. In 20 years she'll still be singing.

Old Perce walked out on his wife the night he got married, never went back for 25 years.

Told her I'd gone for a packet of Woodbines.

Where else would she get a fella like me?

Fine thing if we all cleared out. I only got Weights.

You ought to see them in Bombay. Grant Road.

All nut brown and butter lovely. I don't touch 'em, not me.

Chance'd be a fine thing. What about her in Ilford?

Eh? 16, all ginger.

Leave off, will you? Dirty old Frederick.

Always rolled my own after.

That's why he got an extension to his ladder.

That's why he's a window cleaner.

That sort of humour doesn't appeal to me.

Go on, Fred, give him one.

Don't stand for that. I'll fill him in.

Come on, then. Out on them cobbles.

Any time you like, anywhere. Put one on there, boy. Go on.

I'll put one on there. I will. Go on, then.

I'll smash your bloody face in. Hurt your hand, go on.

She's coming!

Oh, thought it was Maggie. All right, false alarm.


Oi, come on, off there!

Eh? Off the grass.

What? You know the metropolitan by-laws.

No hawkers, cyclists or pedlars allowed on here.

Off! I don't see no notice.

That's a new regulation, innit? No notices to be displayed.

It's reserved for people who live here. They're welcome to it.

Come on. Welcome as it happens.

That grass has been swept. Been quicker to have walked.

Off, come on! It's all right, Mr Sparks.

He's a friend of mine. Who are you, then?

I'm Brimsdown, third floor.

Take this van off here. Come on. I'm only...

There's only sand underneath here.

This place has got to be kept clear in case there's a fire.

The fire engines wouldn't be able to get in.

I'm only going to be five minutes.

The place could burn down in five minutes.

I'm looking for some people by the name of Briggs.

Bureaucrat! Oh, you're not another lodger, are you?

No, I just want their address. Come on, take it right out of here.

And don't leave it over there either. There's no parking allowed over there.

Name's Briggs.

Don't ride that bike round on here.

You're not supposed to ride it on here. Get off it.

Go on, off!

Briggs. Well...

You see that flat up there with the venetian blinds what are down?

When the blinds are up and the lights are out, they're out.

When the blinds are down and the lights are on, they're in.

'Course, if the blinds are on and the lights are out, they might be out.

Might just be a blind.

Anyway, they're in now. They're never out.

They'll be out next week, though. I'll see to that.

Hey, don't lean that against the hieroglyphics, mate.

Ain't you got no taste? And don't park it on the portico neither.

We're trying to civilise people like you.

Don't you understand? And don't muck about with the buttons.

What am I supposed to do with this?

Don't stick it on your hieroglyphics. That's enough of that out of you.

Ah, got you.

Ah! Now, then...

Looks like we lost old George.

Sorry, love.

Hope they're in.

I wonder if these things ever go wrong.

Bet you get stuck for months in here.

Mr Sparks!

Mr Sparks! Eh?

What floor did you say them venetian blinds was on?

Over there. You're in the wrong block.

Corner flat. Here, this will be it.

Now, then...

I should knock if I were you. That bell ain't ringing.

Oh, she's in all right. She don't have nothing to do.

Don't have to collect the kid. It has its dinner at school.

Oh yeah? What's it have?

Here, who's that knocking the door down?

How do I know?

Well, you'd better answer it.

Oh, you go. I've only just come in.

Well, I'm doing something.

Oh, do you think it's the insurance man?

Didn't he come yesterday?

Yeah, but I couldn't find my purse.

They're in all right. Try again.

I saw him come in five minutes ago.

He's on spread-over. He's a bus driver. Had his uniform on.

Say it's the man about the telly? He'll have to take it back.

Rotten old thing doesn't even work proper.

I can hear something. There you are.

I told you they was in. Mind your own business.

She's such an old gasser, that woman.

Now, don't you start. In a minute, Christabel.

I never got a wink of sleep last night. Shh!

She must have four rows of teeth coming.

Well, it's natural.

I bet it's the man from the council. It's that rotten old nark downstairs.

He said he was going to report us.

Do you know what he calls me? The lodger.

They give you the pip round here. He never has liked me.

I reckon he must have fancied your wife.

Oh, shut up.

Well, go on then, answer it. You're the man of the house.

Oh, hello, love. Come in. Auntie Maggie in, please?

No, I'm not stopping.

Maggie? Yes?

Oh, there you are.

Hello, Nellie. You're quite a stranger. Mum sent me.

Oh? What for? Uncle Charlie's home.

Oh? Is he?

It's about the club.

He wants to see you.

What are you going to do about it?

Oh, I don't know. You going to draw it out?

No, I'll leave it in.

Here, he's round the Red Lion. Mum says you'd better come right away.

Oh, gawd! What's all the whispering about, then?

Oh, I got to whisper because of the neighbours.

Come or there's going to be trouble. Blimey, there will and all.

Yeah. What shall I tell her, then?

Well, tell her I'll leave it in. Eh?

The club. Oh, yeah.

All right, then. I'll come round straight away.

Ta-ta. Ta-ta, Uncle Bert. Oh, ta-ta, Nellie.

What was all that about, then?

Well, what do you think?


I don't know how I manage on your money.

Well, it's my wife, ain't it? I got to pay her an' all.

You shouldn't be so keen on it.

How can a bus driver keep two homes going?

Well, I try, don't I?

You got anything to eat? I fancy something.

There's plenty in the fridge. What's this? Apple strudel again?

No, I went to the supermarket this morning.

Oh, not scampi.

Cor, what's she got here?

Frozen cod, frozen corn, frozen potatoes.

Any cheese and pickle?

Well, don't have nothing cold. Oh, I'll leave it.

I'll have something to eat when I get up. I've got to be on at four.

What's the matter, Bert? I feel a bit 'umpty.

Oh, it's all them diesel fumes.

I should have given you a clean shirt this morning, shouldn't I?

That better? Yeah, a lot.

Another day wasted.

Makes you wonder what it's all in aid of, don't it?

Where's that water coming from? He ain't half enjoying himself.

Can't you control it? Some people like to wash.

Come back, Fred.

She's not going to come.

'Course she won't come. She better had.

Say bye-bye to Daddy.

Come on, darling.

Come on.

♪ Meet me round the fish shop

♪ And I will buy you a fillet of hake... ♪

Your friends have gone, hours ago.

Here, hold her a minute, love, will you?

I warned you about leaving that pram there.

Causing an obstruction. Shut up, you old misery.

By the way, I thought I'd tell you. Come on.

The police have taken your car away.

Improperly parked. How's that, then?

I told you not to leave it there, didn't I?

They left this for you.

That baby should be covered up an' all, taking it out half naked.

That'll cost you a couple of quid an' all, won't it?

Your bike's round the car park where it should have been left in the first place.

Maggie! What?

Fetch us back a couple of lemons, will you?

Oh, all right, then.

Hello, Charlie. What, are you having a party?

What are you having, then? Come on, Fred.

I don't know about that.

Taking her time getting here.

I sent her a message. She should be here by now.

Then you haven't seen her? No.

Oh, that's great, innit?

Shut that bloody row!

Hello, Georgie, where's your van?

You're a fine pair, ain't you? They've only gone and carted it away.

I wondered why it was going backwards.

I'm surprised at you, Nell. I went out of my way to give you a lift.

Yeah, but it took us so long to get there, Georgie, and I was in an hurry.

I reckon cars is obsolete. The boss don't know I've got it out.

I've had no dinner and I've got to go down Wapping to get it now.

Poor Georgie. Trousers is on this afternoon, Nell.

I won't forget. Will you tell the boss?

I'll be there, but I'll be late. You'll be late, but you'll be there.

She might not be coming in, Georgie. She might be going down Barking Creek.

Barking Creek? I'll kill him.

Oh, you are awful, Chunky.

I got great faith in that boy as it happens.

Anyway, what was you saying? What?

Oh, about the jungle and the dreaded tsetse fly?

You've got to drink a gallon of salted water a day and you have to know how to deal with a python an' all.

Hey, wait for me. Oh, look, a runaway pram.

Don't be daft. It's my Auntie Maggie.

Hey! Hey! Oh, it's moving.

Didn't you see the barrier descending, you silly blonde mare?

What's happened?

You'll have to go out with the Queen Mary.

Quick, run for it.

Stay there.

Stand still. No, come on.

Don't tell her to come on. Oh, you're too late. Go back.

Stay there! If you drown, don't you go suing the Port of London Authority.

I didn't ask to go on your silly bridge. Can't you stop it?

She won't come. Yes, she will.

All right, I bet you. Bet you threepence.

He'll kill her if she does.

Has she come yet? No.

You have contravened the regulations and laid yourself open to prosecution.

Listen to this.

Any persons attempting to cross the bridge after due warning has been given is liable to...

Get this silly contraption open.

Never you mind that. It is forbidden to pass through the barrier until the apparatus had completed its function.

Thank you.


They're dangerous, them things. You all right?

I was trying to catch you up. You want to be more careful.

Here, hold her a minute, will you?

You all right, sweetheart?

You don't want to do a job for five minutes, do you?

Oh, I got to go back to work.

I don't know what I'm going to do. Why, what's the matter?

I can't take her in the pub with me. No.

I'll push it for you.

Go on. I'm only going to go in there and tell him I don't want to see him.

Then I want to come straight out. Yeah?

Go on. I'll only be five minutes and I'll do you a favour one day.

Well, if you're only five minutes.

Well, I won't even be that long. Oh, all right.

Big, ain't he?

Oh, she's lovely, ain't you, Christabel?

Bye-bye. Be a good girl till Mummy gets back.

Ta-ta. Thanks. Ta-ta.

Phew. Ain't it hot?

Bare-faced, ain't she? I wonder who she takes after?

Pretty, though. Not bad.

You can have one like that if you like. Don't be cheeky, Chunky.

What do they call you Chunky for? Well, it's Georgie, ain't it?

He reckons I've got a head like a pineapple, so he calls me Chunky.

Charlie, she's here!


Hello, everyone.

Oh, hello, Charlie.

Hello, Jack. Hello, Ted. Hello, Maggie.

Hello, Bridgie.

Hello, Charlie.

Oh, er... hello, Mag.

Where you been? I just come down Jamaica Street.

Want a drink? Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Same again, Pat.

You look great.

Where you been hiding yourself? Oh, I've been around.

Where you living? You don't look so bad yourself.

I said, where you living? Ta-ta, Mag, Charlie.

Ta-ta, Bridge. Where you living?

Just down the street, round the corner.

Are you? I was thinking of looking down there.

Why? You been looking for me?

No, no.

Didn't write and tell me the house had been pulled down.

Well, I had a bad hand. Did you?

Don't look bad now, though, does it?

Why did you stop taking my allowance? I was doing all right at my patisserie.

Your what? My patisserie.

See you, Charlie, Mag. She's a good 'un.

How do you know? One of us, ain't she?

Come on, Perce.

Don't take liberties, Charlie. You still got my ring on.

Ain't you forgetting something? What's that?

Well, all that carry-on last time you was home.

You're only young once.

All those different birds every night. Well, you never darned my socks.

I wasn't entitled to. Yes, you were.

Coming home, bashing the door down, let alone bashing me head in.

Well, I must say you look very well on it, Mag.

Well, I've been having a good time.

Oh, have you, now? Yes, I have.

Cheeky little bird, smack your little bum.

Cheers, Maggie. Cheers, Jack.

Hey, Jack.

You look after your birds. I'll look after mine.

All right, boy.

Look at me, don't look at Jack. Why?

I'm better-looking. I don't think so.

You ain't. I've gone off you. Have you?

Yes, I have. You've lost your touch.

Oh, stop mucking about, Charlie. Pack it in.

Anyway, I can't stop long.

It's all right. I think she's coming. Is she?

No, she ain't.

Oh, come on. Let's go round the block again.

I got to go back to work, ain't I?

Why? Because I have.

Oh, er... by the way, er...

Did you get those letters I wrote to you?


Did you read them? Yeah, all three.

I did express my feelings about the kid. I mean, I forgive him, you know.

Oh, that's very nice of you, Charlie, considering he didn't do anything to you.

I told you, I got to get back to work. It was a bit of a shock, being faced with a three-year-old kid when we'd only been married 18 months.

What do you want to see me about, then?

I just thought we could start again. I just came in here to tell you that.

Well, I've been waiting for you to turn up.

Well, I've turned up. Yeah, so you have.

Yeah. You with anyone, are you? No.

Are you? No.

Oh, but I thought about it. Well, look, you better not be.

Flowers, lady? No, thanks, love.

Flowers, sir?

Yeah, I'll have the lot.

There's a fiver. Keep the change. Thank you, dear.

Here, will you marry me? Yeah, I'll give you a chance.

Hey, I bought you some flowers. Well, I don't want your flowers.

Oh, go on, have some of these. Look, come on.

There you are... Look.

Have some of them.

Have this one.

What's up with you, then? What am I going to do with her?

I don't know. I got to go back to work, Dad.

Take her round the block for a minute. Oh, no. Here, I'm going. You take her.

Here, no. No, you can't do that. You can't do that to me.

Here... Good luck, Dad.

That's not so bad, is it? Shh.

I suppose it was all my fault.

Of course it was all your fault.

It was always my fault. It wasn't always your fault.

When I say it was always my fault, it was always my fault.

All right, then. Don't argue.

If I hadn't liked you, I wouldn't have bashed your head in.

There is something in that.

One time you did fancy me, didn't you? Well, of course I fancied you.

Or else I wouldn't have gone and married you, would I?



What about now, then? Eh?

What about now?

Oh, I don't know. We know one another well enough.

Yeah, too well. Here we are.

Have this one on me.

Hey, put this lot in water, will you, Paddy?

It's like Paddington station here.

I'm still your husband, you know.

You didn't buy the freehold.

I can claim my conjugal rights.

Oh? And what does that mean? That means you're mine.

Look, come here. Can you see this?

Do you see that mark? Where? No.

Jack, can you see that mark? There ain't no mark.

You did it last time you was home.

You've been having a right old game. Me?

Yeah, you. I ain't done nothing.

I been down that bakery. They told me all about you.

You don't want to believe a thing they tell you.

Well, I been spying on you. I been watching you.

They're a lot of yackers down there. Who's the fella?

He ain't her husband, you know. Not hers.

He's some under-presser from down Bermondsey.

Not hers, yours.

Mind your own business. I ain't made up my mind yet.

You'd better hurry up. I'll think about it while I do my cakes.

Hey, by the way, I've brought that kid of yours a big teddy bear thing with big ears and poppy eyes.

It says eight different things.

Oh, yeah? And what you got me?


What am I going to do, then? What you always do.

Booze. All right, then.

I'll have a look round the clubs and see if I can find my old girlfriends.

Well, you do what you like and I'll do what I like.

I'm going back next week. I'll see you later at six o'clock.

By the horse trough?

Will you be there? I might be.

Will you? Oh, I don't know. I might be.

You'd better be. Ta-ta.

Ta-ta, everybody.

Oh, and Charlie? Yup?

I'm glad you're back.

Hey, you can't help laughing at her, can you?

I ought to bash her bloody head in.


Have you got Christabel? 'Course I have.

Take her, for gawd's sake. If he sees me with her, he'll kill me.

You didn't think he'd take it for yours?

Give me half a chance. Come on, darling, let's go to work.

Oh, my leg. I'll have to get something for my head.

Oh, well, back to the grind.

Hello, Fred, boy. Where you been?


Here we go.

Any chance of another drink?

Sorry, Fred. It's after closing time.

Yeah, you've had enough, Fred. Have I?

I'm going to see to my bird. Me too.

Cheerio, mate. All the best. Hey, hey, no.

Don't go yet. I'm only going down the clubs.

We'll all go together. Come on, then.

Come on, Fred. You're supposed to be at work.

All the best, Paddy.

Where's my ladder? I had it when I came in.

Away you go, smiler. I lost half a day's work over you.

Why don't you go home, yank? Give us a kiss.

See you later. Welcome home, Charlie.

If you want a place to kip...


Can I get a drink?

See those? They're tulips.

They're from Amsterdam.

Say hello. Hello. Wants to get out.

There you are, look. Some of your mates.

Sparrows fights them, you know.

Always fighting, they are. You wouldn't last long.

I seen them paint sparrows yellow.

Trying to sell them as canaries.

They still can't sing, though. Can they?

It's a cock bird.

Have you got many? What?

Have you got many?

I breed 'em, don't I?

I'll sell you a pair for 50 bob. Do her for 50 bob.

There's Uncle Fred. Here, what you doing?

I'm looking for new customers. Oh, don't be filthy, Fred.


I'm coming round your place to fill my bucket up.

Wait till I tell Mum. Go on, get in. Making a fool of yourself like that!

What cake is that?

The Levinskys'. Why? You've got pink roses.

Look, the Levinskys' is blue roses. There, see? Blue.

Oh, I'm sorry. What's the matter with you?

I've had enough trouble with you today. Yeah, well, don't keep on.

I got things on my mind.

With two husbands, it's a wonder to me you ain't out your mind.

Don't you listen. Oi, look at that picture face.

I thought we shut the shop. How can we shut the shop?

What about the customers? He said he might come back.

I don't care if he does come back.

If he comes back, he can pay for that strudel he spoilt.

If he comes back.

My Bert's steady, you know, Momma. Bert? I thought it was Charlie.

He thinks the world of her and my little Johnny.

Is that the bar mitzvah cake? Yeah.

You've got a lot of wording to go on there.

Haven't you checked? Look. "Happy Bar Mitzvah." There.

I've got to get all that on there? Yeah.

What, Momma, Papa, Elsie, Sadie?

Emmanuel. Emmanuel?

No, I can't get it on there. You'll have to.

Momma, tell her. Be a good girl, squeeze 'em in.

No, the initials will have to do. For the Levinskys the initials don't do.

Who cares about the Levinskys? They're very influential people.

I don't care how influential they are. I can't get all that on there.

Ring it round the roses. You ring it round the roses. I'm going.

Maggie, you can't go. I've had enough of you.

Where's your sense of loyalties? I ain't got no sense of loyalties.

Oh, do the cake yourself. I'm going.

Aren't you a clever girl? Don't desert the bakery.

That's the way you treat me?

I've been so bad to you?

Oh, and if Charlie comes back here, you can tell him the truth this time.

I've gone home to Bert.

Come on, sweetheart.

Fizzy lemon.

Er, yeah, yeah. Put that down to me. And... another double brandy.

Never even saw us.

Look, that's a VC10, innit? Got all its engines and its tail.

Oh, look, Chunky, I thought we was going up Barking Creek.

Like a Caravelle with knobs on. Chunky!

Marvellous, innit? Pity old Georgie can't be here to enjoy the afternoon.

Ooh, you drive me mad. Oh, yeah?

Men! Oi, hey!

Hey, Maggie!

Hey! Hey, wait a minute.

Who's that? Mind your own business.

Who's that kid? Well, it ain't yours.

I know it ain't mine. I'll do you. Don't make a scene on the street.

Whose is it, then? I'm minding it for a friend.

What friend? Never you mind.

Look, Charlie, I ain't coming back to you. I don't want to ever meet you again.

You've already met me. Yeah, worst luck.

Whose is it, then? The milkman's.

Look, Charlie, if I've got nine kids it's got nothing to do with you.

So it is your kid, then? Yeah, 'course she is. Ain't you, darling?

"She"? Yeah, she's lovely.

Hello. Go away with your beery breath.


Funny-looking thing. She ain't. She's beautiful.

Bit short of hair for a bird. No, it's lovely.

Look at that expression. Well, you know who she takes after.

What's her name? Christabel.

Look at that.

That is my kid. It ain't.

That is definitely my daughter.

It isn't.

I'll have a blood test. I'll prove it. No, you can't prove nothing.

Fine old time you gave me last time you was home.

You left me in the cart and I ain't forgot it.

I've had enough trouble from you. I'm off.

Oh, look, please. Look, where you going?

I'm going home. Why didn't you write and tell me?

I didn't think you'd be interested.

Oh, she's beautiful. Well, I know she's beautiful.

Look, I'll make a home for you.

Look, I'll make a home for you. I'll buy you that bed.


Oh, she talks. Do you want to try that bed?

Oh, she's a lovely little bag.

Oh, don't be daft, Charlie. Anyway, I'm going home.

I'll come with you. You can't.

Why? They don't know I'm married.

What, with two kids? Well, I said I was a widow.

I suppose I got drowned at sea.

Well, they've been very good to me, Charlie.

I bet they have.

Well, I'm coming with you. Oh, shut up.

I can't think when you look at me.

I'll tell you what, I'll meet you later like I said.

And I'll get things sorted out. What do you mean?

I'll get my sister to look after the kids.

All right, then.

You know what I think you are, don't you?

I think you're the darlingest, cunningest little bird I ever came across.


And you.


Say bye-bye to Daddy, Christabel. Bye-bye.



What can I do for you, sir? How much for that bed?

Mind my head! Oi, wheel's coming off.

Get back. Get back, you savages!

Somebody's having their telly taken away.

Hello, girls. Look what I got in the back.

Hello, niece.

Open up, son. Right.

Up you get.

Careful with that.

Here, I've paid for that. What's all this?

I thought it was time you and Jack got married.

Hey, where are you putting all that? Up there.

And who is it this time? Maggie, ain't it?

I wash my hands of you. You made your bed, you lie on it.

What, out here? Careful.

Are we having her kids an' all? Sending 'em out to work, ain't I?

If that's what you want.

You're not going to let him move in on you like that after all you said this morning?

Thought you liked Maggie. I do.

But I don't want her living next door, kids all over the place, nosing through my drawers.

Oh, look at these nice things that he's bought.

Lovely, yeah. You change your mind pretty quick.

Blood's thicker than water. So I've noticed.

Excuse me, darling.

You coming back with us? If you play your cards right?

Lil? What?

You can manage old Jack, can't you, in your back room?

Oh, yeah, any time!

Old Jack! Ooh, that's not right. He's a single man.

No, he ain't, he's a widower. Same thing.

Anyway, Gran's had him for years. That's different. She don't fancy him.

Hey, won't go round the S-bend.

Have you got that block and tackle out?

You're not going to put Jack's stuff in the street?

What stuff? He ain't got no stuff.

He'll get full compensation, won't he, Lil?

Yeah, that's right. Hey, it's like aviary up here.

Get out of it!

You shouldn't have done that. Go down lovely with a bit of salad.

You know who's having a kip up here? Your old man.

He's hibernating. He's always up there.

I thought he was having a kip. Here, make us a cup of tea, love.

Hello. What are you doing in here?

Oh, hello, Bert. You're home early, ain't you?

Yeah, but I got to go back later. Overtime.

What tonight? I thought their Friday was a Saturday.

That's for the benefit of the customers.

I said I'd go back. We got a rush job on.

Anyway, you're working. What's the matter with you?

Oh, I got a stinking cold coming on. Oh, no, you haven't, have you?

Cor! Every time I move it goes right through my head.

What's up with you? Oh, it's my head.

I wouldn't mind if I'd been boozing all night.

Do you think you ought to go to work? Oh, 'course.

You don't have to. Stay at home. Oh, how can I?

Tell you what, we'll both stay at home and I won't go in neither.

Oh, don't be daft. We can't both stay home from work.

Well, why not?

We owe two months on the telly for a start.

You can send that old thing back right away.

Oh, we can't not have a telly.

Why? We never watch it.

No, I'll be all right when I get down the garage.

You know what my missus is like if I don't keep up the payments.

Well, I'm not letting you go just to please her.

Come on, out of it.

Wake up, Fred. I ain't asleep.

I'm moving in. Are you?

Old Jack gone, has he? Yeah.

I've been telling him to go for years.

But he's never gone before. He's always come back.

Hey! Hey, hey!


Oh, I don't know how he can stand to sleep in that.

Eurgh! That's an horrible-looking thing.

You need an hammer for that one. 47 eyes.

Do you think you ought to? Oh, yeah, I got to.

Poor old Bert.

Anyway, look, wrap yourself up well.

Keep warm or you'll be late.

Ta-ta, darling. See you when I come back.

I can't kiss you, I got a cold.

Poor old Bert.


Here. Oh! Eh?


Well, I just thought. What about?

Well, you was right.

I've had the least time off of all them fellas down the garage.

Oh, yeah? And we got the sick club.

I can stay home a couple of days and get myself well.

Oh, all right, then, Bert.

New dress? Yeah.

Well, you'd better get to bed. No, I'll sit by the fire.

You won't do no good sitting there. Go to bed.

No, you can rub my chest in with some of that Wintergreen.

Come on, my little precious. Go to bed.

No, look, I'll have a nice mustard bath, some hot lemon, and then you can make me a cup of tea and I'll be right as rain.

Well, for a start, I ain't got no hot lemon.

Oh, I told you to get some, didn't I? Yeah, well, I forgot to, didn't I?

Come on, open your shirt.

Oh, dear, what a stink!

I can't smell it, I got a cold.

Ooh, I don't know how I'm going to do my cakes with this stuff on my hand.

My wife used to use this on me. No wonder she left you.

Don't make me laugh. I got a sore throat.

Don't mess about.

No, don't, you're tickling me.

Stop it! What's the matter?

You got hands like a little girl.

Oh, you.

Come on, lift up.

Oh, that's better.

All right, then? Yeah.

Come on, then. Bed. If you come with me.

Bamboo junk.

Millet. Millet.

Millet, millet.

Broken chair. Broken chair.

Dirty old case.

Well, of course it's hot. It won't do no good cold.

Go on, stick 'em in.

And what about my nasal spray? Here you are.

Oh, you are a baby. Stick 'em in.

All right, then? Ah, makes you feel worse, this.

Here, Bert.

You'll never guess what's happened. What?

Well, guess who's turned up. Oh, I can't guess.

Well, who do you think? Who?

I thought I'd better tell you. You're bound to hear.

What? Well, he's turned up.

Who? My husband.

Who, Charlie? Well, who else?

Why didn't you tell me before? It went clean out my bonce.

Be nice to see him again, won't it? Let him show his ugly mug round here, I'll knock seven buckets of Bell oil out of him.

Bert, don't go off.

Apart from his boozing and going with other birds, he was always very good to me.

Haven't I been good to you?

If I'd been a tearaway like that team you knocked about with I'd have been all right, I suppose. Yes, I know, love.

Charlie ought to be very grateful to you, the way you've looked after me.

Am I being chucked out again? Yeah, we're sluicing out the bulkhead.

I'm entitled to a week's notice. I give you notice every week.

Well, that's all right, then.

Where's my pigeons that was there? Evicted.

They was Red Checkers. You have to be careful with them.

They'll be back. Oh, they'll be back all right.

Bringing stuff in for the missus.

Oh, that's all right, boy. Make yourself at home.

Hope you get used to the birds.

You're not stopping. You're going in with Lil.

What, again?

Every time he comes home I have to move in with Lil.

Is that all right, Jack? Oh, yes, perfectly all right, boy.

Where's my millet? It's all out on the balcony.

It won't last.

So old Charlie's turned up again, eh? Yeah.

Don't half look well. Oh, you've seen him?

Yeah, brown as a berry.

Oh, you have seen him? Oh, no.

No, Mary told me.

Here, Bert. You don't look none too well.

You ought to try that nine-day cold cure Mary gave me.

She only tried it for three days and reckons it works wonders.

Phwoar! My hands don't half stink.

Don't know how I'm going to do my wedding cakes.

You know, I have got to go to work, Bert.

Phone 'em up and tell 'em your husband's ill.

Oh, I can't do that. Why not?

Well, they don't know I've got an husband.

Oh, you're lovely, you are.

Hello, Charlie.

Well, I came, didn't I?

Oh, I can't go.

If I go, I'll only get involved again.

I want to go.

Oh, you're vile.

Oh, hello, Georgie. Oh, hello, Nell.

Well, I brought your bike back. Oh, ta.

Sorry I ran off with it, Nell.

Well, it was frustration, you know.

Seeing you with Chunky. It's all right.

Are you ready? What for?

Ain't you going to come and hear my song at Queenie's?

Oh, yeah. I'll have to change.

Yeah, all right, then. Shove that in the front passage.

Oh, right-ho, Nell.

You asleep, Bert? No.

I've got to go now, Bert.

I thought you was going to get me some pills.

All right, then.

Don't go, Maggie.

Hello, Uncle Charlie. See you're enjoying yourself.

Yeah, yeah. Here.

Coming down the Iron Bridge later? Georgie's singing his song.



Ta-ta, then. I thought you were coming to Sheffield.

Yeah, well, I fooled you.

Hello, Charlie.

Well, I'm here. Yeah.

Who's the geezer? Do you know him? 'Course not.

You been here long? No, just come.

Well, where are we going? For a walk.

Oh, no. There's a nice quiet boozer on the corner.

Do you good.

What, up here?

Putting on a bit of weight, ain't you? Yeah. Look at that.

Changed your hair. Yeah, I tinted it up.

Do you like it? Yeah.

Watch your heel!

Glad you came, are you?

Did you think I wouldn't? No.

Here, where are you taking us?

Up there.

Right up there.

Oh, no. Yeah, into the woods.

Oh, no, no! Yeah!

Oh, ho, yes!

You said we couldn't go round your place.

Well, I got my best shoes on.

Take 'em off, I'll carry you.

I ain't going through there. Ain't you?

Oh, mind my skirt. You'll split it.


Here, do you remember...

Do you remember that night? What night's that?

When we was up here and somebody pinched your trousers?

Used to get a proper moon tan up here, didn't we?

We used to be laid out like kippers on a fine night.

Funny smell up here, though.

Oh, it's the dog's home. Smells like Wintergreen.

Let's... stake a claim before the rush hour, shall we?

Now, don't try and persuade me cos I haven't made up my mind yet.

You know you can't resist me. Oh, bighead!

Did you miss me? Did you miss me?


Anyone would think we wasn't married the way we're carrying on.

Hey, look. See that over there?

What? That is my ship.

Oh, yeah, I can see it.

You can see more if you look.

I'm shy.

Well, it's been two years now, ain't it?

Two years and one week last Sunday. Thought you had no memory.

Well, I have for some things.

You're quiet for a change, ain't you? So are you.

What's the matter?

Well, I didn't think... Yes, you did.

It's the kids. What's the matter with the kids?

They're round my sister's. I'll tell you what.

We'll go round and pick 'em up. I got a big bed and a cot and everything.

No, I can't move in tonight.

Well, it won't matter for one night, will it?

No, I can't.

I can't leave 'em. Well, you ain't leaving me.

Oi, taxi!

Well, where are we going? To celebrate.

All ready for the stampede, Queenie? Yeah.

Think we've got enough beer out, love? I hope so.

My song, Queenie? Later, love.

Hello, boys. I got a little number.

You won't know my style, but you'll... How does it start?

Well, it's the end you got to worry about, mate. Look.

♪ La da-da da-da to start ♪ Hello, Queenie. How are you, love? There goes my furniture.

Hello, Peg.

What are you going to have, my beloved?

Can I have a small gin, please? And the usual for me.

Hello, Charlie.

Hello, Charlie.

Who's having a drink on me, then? All the drinks are on Charlie tonight.

Found her, then? Never lost her.

Come on, you two. Meet the better half.

Hello, Ted. Peggy, Charlie.

How do you do? I never thought anybody would hook old Ted.

Who's having a drink, then?

How'd you find the girls in Lagos? All black.

We heard you was in the nick.

Cheer up, darling.

Yeah, well, I gets involved with this Yankee officer, don't I?

It was all over this dark bird.

I've put on about three stone since my marriage.

My wife's put on two stone.

We had a double bed when we first started out.

Now we got two! And then I scarpers with her.

Is he a bus driver an' all? Shh.

Lovely couple. What happened to the bird?

We had the same performance in Venezuela.

Does the dad know about the other baby?

The door opened and in walks her bloke.

Hello, people. Can I come in, please?

Oh, let's go, Charlie.

You don't want to go. We're going to have a drink-up.

I don't want a drink-up. I want to go.

Who are you looking at?

Oh, the boys will be in in a minute. Leave off, Mag.

She wants to go, does she? She don't want to go, do you, Mag?

Come and have a drink with Peggy. Yeah, go on.

All right, Charlie?

Made up your mind yet?


Better be quick about it, hadn't you? Yep.

I thought it was all settled. Oh, don't keep on, Bridgie.

I'm not. Bert's a nice bloke.

He's had a good time, you've had a good time. That's life.

He's been very good to me, Bert.

Well, Charlie's got his good side.


Can't have 'em both, you know.

I suppose not. Be nice, though, wouldn't it?

♪ Each Saturday night... ♪ What's up with you? Nothing's up.

Oh, I get it. No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

Soon get tired of your women, don't you?

Eh? I took time off work to go out with you.

And look where we end up. Down Roman Road.

You didn't want to go up Barking Creek. There you go again.

What do you think of that?

He'll be doing himself a mischief in a minute.

Who wound him up?

Here's Bert coming up the road. Shh.

Uh-oh. Don't look round now. There'll be murders in a minute.

Maggie here? No, I ain't seen her, love.

Gawd knows where it will all end.

Give us a scotch, will you? OK, darling.

Oh, don't!

There you are, darling.

Hello, Charlie.

Hello, Charlie.

Hello, er...

Bert. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Want a drink? No, I got one, thanks.

How are you? All right, are you? Yeah. Yourself?

Oh, you know, sortof comme ci, comme ça.

Where you been?

What you going to have, Mag? Oh, I'll have a Babycham.

Can I have a Babycham, Queen?

He's playing it very cunning.

It's the way he always starts. Look at his bleedy bleedin' eyes.

Mind my dress, Charlie.

Brian, next number. Quick, love.

Ladies and gentlemen, the item you've all been waiting for.

At very great expense and loss of life, the queen of the strippers, Eve.

That's not for us.

Better than Georgie Brimsdown.

She's got more support than the Arsenal!

I'd like to see old Fred do that. So would he.

Physiotherapy they call it now, lads.

Disgusting, ain't it? Yeah.

Ain't got much of a figure, has she? Do me.

You'd never make it. Makes you thirsty.

What's your game, Maggie?

What do you want to turn up in uniform for?

You've made me look a right mug.

Don't start. Hello, Bert.

It's enough to drive a man mad, innit?

16, all ginger, eh, Fred?

We got the shock of our lives when we walked in and saw Charlie.

Didn't we, Maggie? Yeah.

Yeah? I knew he'd be here myself. Who you talking about, girls?

Nothing, Charlie. Just talking about a friend.

What are you having? No, you have one with me.

No, this is my round.

It's my day. I just got off the ship.

Look, I'm getting these, Charlie. All right, then. I'll have a... scotch in there. I'll have a port and lemon, please.

Oh, look, it's finished.

I thought she was brunette. Disgusting.

When I was a girl we kept ourselves to ourselves.

Nowadays everyone seems to be like sex maniacs.

I think it's something they put in the food.

Give us a song, Bert. I got a cold.

What about Queenie? Yeah, Queenie!

♪ I've never seen

♪ The sky so grey

♪ Never knew

♪ The blues this way

♪ I never sent my man away

♪ Except when I met you

♪ Now you've gone and let me down

♪ Now they know all over town... ♪ You know what you are, don't you?

Yeah, so leave off.

♪ Now I'm left all on my own

♪ Because I wasn't true... ♪ It's all a game with you. What's the matter?

You think I gone back with him or something?

Well, it sticks out a mile, don't it?

♪ Wailing on the sea... ♪

What about our baby?


Well, you was right, weren't you?

What do you mean, I was right?

What you thought in the first place.

♪ With a man I knew was great... ♪ Oh, well, it's three cheers for Charlie, ain't it?

♪ I've lost my mate

♪ Never is too late ♪ Sorry, Bert.

So he said to the lodger, "What do you want to hit my wife for?"

Pardon me, boys. So he said, "I found out she'd been unfaithful to us."

That's my story. Yeah, you told it to me.


Good, ain't it? It was.

Hey, Maggie!

Hey, bus driver.

I can go away for ten years and get my own wife back.

Here, kill him! Put the boot in.

That's him, innit? Who?

That ugly bastard bus driver. You've been having it off with him.

No! I'm going to smash your... Ow!

You'll show me...

If anyone sees your number, it might get back to the garage.

Go on, Georgie, sing.

I'm fed up with you.


Who's next?

Anyway, I can't help it if people fancy me.

Yeah, well, I fancy you. I don't care.

I'm going down that garage to let his tyres down.

Out! Get out, the lot of you! Go on, out.

Talent night next Wednesday, darling.

Any more, Queenie? No, love, that's the lot.

Good night, girl. Good night, love.

Thanks for a pleasant evening. Good night, love.

Lovely cabaret. Good night, Queenie.

Playing away next week. Good night, Slim.

He had to pick my bad leg. What's happened to my dog?

This used to be a lovely pub. It's all them strangers coming in.

Who were they? Swedes from Manchester.

I thought I recognised their accents.

Mind your own business. I won't mind my own business.

I'm fed up with you. I'm fed up with you and these geezers.

It's your fault, Bert. You started it.

What? Give him a drink, Slim.

Cheer up. Plenty more fish in the sea, mate.

I'm all right. As a matter of fact, it wasn't all that thick between us.

Me and my missus was going back together anyway.

What you worried about, then? Bottoms up.

Don't tell me what to do. I will tell you what to do.

You can't tell me what to do. I can tell you what to do.

I won't want to know. You will when I've finished with you.

Yeah, well, I've finished with you.

I shall claim my conjugal rights. You ain't going to touch me.

I shall always turn up and claim my conjugal rights.

♪ He didn't say

♪ "Dear, you're divine"

♪ Nor did he say

♪ "Darling, be mine"

♪ So why do I see

♪ In him everything

♪ Well, sparrows

♪ Poor sparrows

♪ Pretty sparrows

♪ Can't sing ♪