Speechless (1994) Script

With only four weeks left to election day...

...candidates for New Mexico's vacant Senate seat...

...former Democratic Congressman Lloyd Wannamaker...

...and Republican businessman Ray Garvin...

Gentlemen, place your bets.

$10 he'll say these guys will sway the voters.

No. He'll say "woo." "Entice."

...in an effort to woo the state's...

Yes! Thank you. No checks, please.

I need those stats. I can't write him a speech saying, "Take my word for it."

Thanks. Julia.

Hello, Julia. Larry, Curly, Moe.

I see you wimped out on the anti-development piece.

Page 10, next to the crossword puzzle? Come on.

How's the school-aid speech?

I think we can really make a difference for these kids.

If Lloyd'll get behind it.

Good, but we need to find a hotter button, to give the campaign a boost.

Let me work on a few things.

Julia, listen.

I need you to write a speech for Mrs. Wannamaker.

Tomorrow, she's addressing the Women's Historical Society.

The topic: pioneer suffragettes. Here's your research. Thank you, dear.

Can you send 10 copies of this up to my room?

Sorry.

Hey, Pete!

Yeah, hon. Over here.

Hi. Good afternoon.

You have a reservation for me?

You're?

Eastwood. Clint Eastwood.

Are you gonna give me your name? I'm kidding. Kevin Vallick.

Are you with one of the campaigns?

Yeah, I just got hired to write some speeches.

We'll see if I can't turn this baby around. Know what I mean?

Which candidate, sir?

What's-his-name.

Come on, help me out here.

Republican or Democrat? Republican.

Garvin. Garvin. That's him, yeah.

Second floor. The elevator is right behind you.

Thank you.

Nice, quiet room, right? Very quiet.

Okay.

Dark? Dark.

Soft mattress? Softest we've got.

Real big one? The biggest we've got.

Because I cover a lot of territory on a mattress.

And I don't want you sneaking up there at night and bothering me.

Hey, wait. Can you... Hold on!


Hi. How you doing?

Wish I didn't need it. Tell me about it.

My kid has this cough.

Let me see that for a second. I don't think these are for kids.

No, they're not. In fact, they're not even for coughs.

I know that. I realize that.

It's for me. His cough is keeping me awake.

This is a tough call. My grandmother is upstairs.

She just came through some surgery and she can't sleep.

Really? How awful. What kind?

What kind? Extensive. It was really extensive.

She had some liposuction work.

I know.

I said, "Grandmother, you're 80. They're not beating down your door.

"What's a couple of pounds here and there?" But she's vain.

I'll give you one. I could split it.

You want to split it? Perfect.

Let's go over it again. Here's how the black-hole theory works.

Don't patronize me.

I'm not patronizing you. I'm trying to teach you something.

Then be patient.

Our unemployment checks are here. Maybe if we put them together...

$280.85, plus...

$33 million and 55 cents.

Eddie, they made a mistake. You gotta give the money back.


Hi.

How's the kid?

It's sad. He was abducted by aliens. How's Grandma?

Sore. But I gotta say, her thighs look great.

Sorry, I just dozed off. There you go.

Thank you very much.

Excuse me, ma'am. Could you turn this up?

I've always hated ottomans!

I just hate them! I hate them!

You've got to be kidding.

You don't like this show?

It's crap! I wrote for this show.

No, I did. I wrote for this show for a couple of years.

I shouldn't say that. I've never watched a whole show.

It's okay. No, it's all right.

You probably watch PBS...

"The Ditch That Divided New Mexico."

Is the Ditch a blight? Is it a necessity?

Is there a better way to stop illegal immigration?

What is this? Mexico Ditch.

It's to keep out illegal aliens.

It's completely barbaric, but Garvin is for it, of course.

You don't like Garvin?

Republican simpleton.

You like him?

I like him better than the other guy, Wannamaker.

At least he doesn't hang around with junk-bond kings with slush funds.

I just prefer him over some tax-and-spend, knee-jerk liberal is all.

Let's drop it. Good idea.

You know what?

It's our first fight. It's okay, it had to happen.

Sorry.

Let me know when I'm charming you.

Just a few more moves like that.

Pie?

You like breakfast burritos?

I know a great place across the border. Takes 35 minutes.

We just had pie.

They're really good burritos.

Mom told me never to go with strangers.

We'll pick her up. Where's she live? Rhode island.

All right, 45 minutes. We'll put her in the back.

Best cure for insomnia?

Hot laundry. Take your laundry out of the dryer and pile it on top of you.

If you really want to sleep, take some Fresca...

...beat in three raw eggs, a touch of cayenne pepper.

Tried it.

I'm kidding.

What do you do, Julia?

I write, too.

Are you a reporter?

Yeah.

I saw your press badge on your bag here.

I'm very observant. So who's "R. Freed"?

Fasten your seatbelt.

You always drive this fast?

No. This fast.

Are you divorced?

You got a tan line there. I was just wondering.

Long engagement.

It's over?

Yep. Very boring. Not of interest.

What's wrong with that? Wait, wait.

I'm celebrating my second anniversary...

...of my divorce.

Very boring. Not of interest.

Would you please find a station?

I'm looking for a song. Our song, if you must know.

We've graduated to "our"?

About two hours ago. I wish you'd keep up, Julia.

Did you figure it out? Yeah.

So what do you think? You know, "us."

You think we have a future together?

Good. Me, too.

What'd he say?

He said about another 10 minutes. You don't speak Spanish?

Very romantic language.

That's pretty. What's that mean?

"May I have a towel?"

Be still my beating heart.

You gotta love the language.

Is that cologne?

Black Flag. Great aftershave.

It's manly and, as you can see, not a bug in sight.

What do you think? Not bad.

Breakfast?

Most important meal of the day.


Thank you.


You know...

I mean...

The hand brake.

Kevin, we're rolling.

I know.

The clutch. Just show me where your clutch...

On the car.


Hi. Good morning.

This is...

Kevin.

Dan. Nice to meet you.

Kevin's a sitcom writer. I'm a sitcom writer.

I write for sitcoms.

It's nice to meet you.

Here's today's schedule, Julia. I'll see you inside.

Great. Thanks.

Who's that? Your boss?

It's like being caught by your dad. It's bad enough they patronize me.

The best thing to do... You're full of advice. Find my shoe.

The best thing to do when people try to patronize you is yell.

Shout. Let me put it on. Speak louder than they do.

They want you to wimp out. Just raise your voice just a little bit.

Try it. Let me know tonight how it works.

We never got those breakfast burritos.

What time? 8:00.

My hair's a mess. It's perfect.

8:00, in the lobby? Out here.


My stomach. Campaign food?

Watch the fish. Too late.

Good luck.

Needs a touch-up, Lee.

Unacceptable, Annette.

Piece of shit, Kev.

12,999. And there's an even 13,000.

Not bad. How are you? That's why I fired the guy.

See what you can do. It's the old stump speech.

Give it some humor, some heart.

You didn't sleep last night.

You know me. Solid 10 minutes, I'm good for the day.

Thanks for doing this, coming out at the last minute.

I know how you swore off this campaign stuff.

Don't worry about it. I owed you one.

Where's he giving this thing? The barrio, 3:00.

What's this Ditch issue?

The Mexico Ditch? Yeah.

Why? Some reporter told me about it.

It's a sore point with the Hispanic community.

Our guy's for it. Don't bring it up in the barrio.

I bet our opponent does. Interesting.

Spin it our way, Garvin will love you.

You think this guy's any good?

Of course he is. He's better than good.

Would I have called you if he wasn't good? What reporter?

Just some reporter.

What's her name?

Listen, Kev, it's a cutthroat campaign here.

Don't do anything stupid.

And for God's sake, don't mix with the enemy.

Smile. Great, just one more. That's enough!

Let's keep up the good work. Yes, sir.

Mike, I have an idea for today's speech. Not now, Julia.

The Mexico Ditch. Time to attack.

Listen, we have been over this.

I am the Press Secretary. I make the policy decisions.

Is that all, dear?

No, it's not!

Excuse me?

Firstly, the name is Julia, not "dear."

Secondly, I don't like being patronized, Mr. Kratz.

I'm not patronizing you...

Why are you talking so loud?

I am a speechwriter. I have 10 years' experience.

If you think I can't handle it, let's talk to the campaign manager.

Walk with me.

Wannamaker attacks on the Mexico Ditch.

We hold it till 4:00. We get one untainted news cycle.

Garvin can't hit back until tomorrow. And guess where Garvin is speaking today?

The barrio.

That's good. I'm going to try to get that approved.

And next time, don't be so angry. We're in this together, don't forget.

It would be good if he could say something in Spanish.

The name of this town we're going to? San Jose.

Excuse me. Who are you?

I'm the new guy.

I'm sorry. Everyone, this is Kevin Vallick, our new speechwriter.

He worked on the Tobin campaign in '84, remember?

Straight from Hollywood. He wrote Chuck and Eddie.

I love that show! Thanks.

Okay, listen. This town, San Jose, is there a local hero?

Anybody save anybody from drowning or anything?

Yeah, there's a spelling-bee winner.

Girl or boy? Girl.

Perfect.

Let's do this. Put her up on the stand with Garvin.

He'll say, "I'd like to introduce someone to you..."

...someone who makes me proud to be an American.

This young lady is the state spelling-bee champion.

Let's talk about Garvin's record on immigration.

"I have a spotless record on..."

"My opponent says he's a friend of minorities."

My opponent claims that he is a friend to minorities.

Yes, good.

"But actions speak louder than words."

But anyone can speak words. Acting actions...

...that's the important thing. My opponent claims...

"insecure friends...

"...soon become enemies."

Insecure enemies are soon at war.

This ditch...

"...that separates the two great countries of Mexico and America..."

...it's really an act of friendship.

You gotta talk about the economics of it. No, it's a moral issue.

"It rebuilds the Berlin Wall, brick by brick. So I must ask my opponent..."

...torn down in Germany, rebuilt in America?

That's the sound bite.

It's a step backwards.

"Good fences make good neighbors."

"The beginning of a new intolerance." it is the American Wall.

I call it the "Friendship Ditch."

You're gonna get a sound bite out of this.

Well, we'll find out at 5:00.

It's the Channel 7 Action News with Doris Wind.

Lead story?

We ought to be, if the Martians haven't landed in Taos.

Please.

Good evening. Our top story tonight.

It was day two in the desperate struggle of one small bear cub to stay alive.

What?

Get out of here!

How can he be the lead story? You're kidding me!

Can you try Channel 2?

...at the bottom of a water well in the Albuquerque Zoo.

In what is turning into a veritable race against time... it's the bear again.

Every channel is covering this story?

...as we enter day two of "Bear Watch."

Take a gun and put the little shit out of his misery.

Good idea.

Still the bear.

This bear is everywhere.

Now we're getting dancing bears! This is really lovely.

...wild bears were first trained, and introduced into the circus...

That's real cute. Look, the top hat, the cape.

I'm gonna grab my phone.

Hello. Hi. You out of breath?

Hey, how are you doing?

Well, you know, 45 minutes on the Stairmaster.

- About tonight... You're canceling.

Why? 'Cause I ran out of gas? I don't normally do that.

I think we ought to move past the gas-gauge thing.

Frankly, it's shallow. We're deeper than that.

Shut up. Let's make it midnight. Is that too late?

Are you kidding? I just wake up at midnight.

Me, too.

It worked.

Good.

What worked?

My boss. He thought I was going to explode.

I told you. That's great. The more intimidating you are, the better.

I might be out of line, but can I make a suggestion?

Tattoo. Really mean-looking tattoo.

You should get one.

My old boyfriend had a tattoo on the inside of his lip.

I'm sorry?

Know what it said?

"How am I driving? Call 1-800" and then a number?

Did he have a really big lip? Was it Mick Jagger?

Got to go.

Yeah, me, too. Okay.

So, tonight then, right? Midnight.

Yeah, midnight.

More and more, the fate of animals means less and less.

Put some pants on that bear!

Meanwhile, Teddy's mother, Big Bertha, waits for some word...

...of Teddy's fate in the studio. Back to you, Doris.

They're killing us.

In other news, it was politics as usual.

Here we go.

With the election only 30 days away...

...both candidates vying for New Mexico's vacant Senate seat...

...argued the merits of the so-called Friendship Ditch.

"Friendship" what?

Yes! Doctor Spin!

Wait.

- Torn down in Germany... Sound bite!

...rebuilt in America.

No more bets.

No more bets? How am I gonna get my beer money?

New Mexico business tycoon, Ray Garvin, defended the Friendship Ditch...

"Friendship" what?

Because the Friendship Ditch ensures our security...

...it ensures our friendship.

They had to know we were attacking the Ditch. How?

"Friendship" what?

Our resident genius.

Great speech, Kevin.

There's a career seminar at Mesa Junior High tonight.

They want to hear from our speechwriter. I can't tonight.

I've got something important to do.

You'll be done by 8:00. Why, seeing your reporter?

No way. I took your advice on that.

I'll give a short introduction, then let you two start.

Two?

She's a bit late. Mr. Wannamaker's speechwriter.

You're fine with that? Sure.

Here she is.

Mr. Vallick, meet Congressman Wannamaker's speechwriter, Julia Mann.

And Mr. Garvin's speechwriter, Kevin Vallick.

Have you two met already? Yes.

No.

No. I'm sorry.

I thought she was somebody I knew.

A reporter, actually.

Why don't we get started? Miss Mann, could you come sit over here?

People, calm down.

Take your seats.

I'm sure we've all heard the horror stories about politics and politicians.

Mr. Vallick and Miss Mann were nice enough...

...to take time out from their busy schedule...

...to show us there is a human side to politics.

Maybe we'd better start with questions.

Anyone?

I was interested in politics, but my dad said that only liars go into it.

Bobby, that's not... I can respond to that.

Most people who go into politics aren't liars.

It's only opportunistic ones from other fields...

...say, TV comedy writing...

...last stop of the untalented...

...who turn into liars.

I see. And hacks.

Maybe Mr. Vallick could offer us a different perspective.

There are frauds in politics. But you know what?

There are also some passionate, seemingly idealistic individuals...

That's encouraging. ...who only later prove to be frauds.

Any other questions?

Is there much interaction between the two campaigns?

Between Democrats and Republicans?

I think this is your area.

It's discouraged for campaigns to socialize.

If one speechwriter, to use an example, dated another...

...they might reveal something about their campaigns.

Some campaigns have spies...

...for just this purpose.

To pursue someone on the other campaign...

...to seduce her...

Or him. ...and try to find out her secrets.

On the other hand, sometimes people tend to get what's called "paranoid."

Just because someone seems interested in them...

...doesn't mean they're after their secrets.

Still, it's not paranoid to be suspicious of a relationship that moves too fast...

...a chance meeting that isn't "chance."

Or somebody lying about her work.

Or asks too much about the other's work.

A speechwriter could, to use Miss... Sorry, I forgot your name.

Mann.

To use Miss Mann's earlier example, a speechwriter could protect herself...

Or himself.

...from being compromised by not flirting...

...not sniffing around like a cat in heat.

Or she might tell the other speechwriter, "Peddle your shit elsewhere, scumbag."

I think we ought to...

Clearly, once the infiltrator, or "slut spy"...

...has been uncovered...

...the other speechwriter's passion for the campaign is renewed.

He'll need it.

Because if he's a has-been, jumping from field to field like some fuck-happy rabbit...

...inadequate due to his inexperience...

Or the total lack of creativity that comes with overexperience.

...he'll need motivation to fight somebody who believes in her cause!

I'd like to thank both Mr. Vallick and Miss Mann for their illuminating words...

...about politics, the human side.

You lied to me. You lied first.

This isn't grade school. Actually, it is.

You used me. You took the Mexico Ditch. You never heard of it till I mentioned it!

I didn't know you had it copyrighted. What other forces of nature are yours?

I will keep this simple, in short syllables.

I. Me. I do not. Not. International symbol for "no."

I do not want you near me!

Wait a minute.

Are we still on for midnight?

My opponent has accused me of playing politics.

My opponent has accused me of taking his issue...

...the Friendship Ditch, and using it for my own ends.

Perhaps he should warn me of any other issues...

...that are strictly his!

Garvin continued to accuse Wannamaker of using the Friendship Ditch.

I wish Mr. Garvin would treat this process with some dignity!

With only three weeks left until the election...

...why can't Mr. Garvin decide if he wants to be a candidate or a businessman?

Why doesn't he stop jumping from field to field like a slap-happy rabbit?

Come on, Mr. Garvin.

Why are you treating this campaign like some slick sitcom...

...with sound bites worthy of a Hollywood hack?

That's why I'm traveling across this great state of New Mexico.

Let's go, guys!

So goodbye and God bless!

Move!

Balloon Fiesta at 4:00.

Wow. Baghdad Bob?

Slumming it in local news?

Just following the story.

Come on. This isn't Iraq.

Well, it's early yet. Excuse me. Hi there.

Guess who?

Bob.

What are you doing here?

You glad to see me? Surprised to see me?

A little less than thrilled to see me?

What was the middle one?

I'm just here on business.

Albuquerque's been invaded.

We're doing the Senate races.

Network sent me to cover New Mexico.

Okay, I chose New Mexico. It's a real interesting story.

And getting more interesting.

It's a real honor.

Thank you. I'm not sure how long I'll be with you.

Yeah, Bob's a busy man.

The Congressman is free for a minute. He'd love to chat.

I'll be there in a little while.

Jules, you look...

I'll just get this out of the way and be right back.

I'll be right back. We have to talk.

Oh, my God.


Julia, bring those position papers. I got them.

Pete, hold your horses. We'll be there in two seconds.

Get some cut-aways of the balloons.

Jules, what's the story?

Damn. What are they doing here?

Bob, I'm a little busy right now.

He's a beautiful baby.

We need to step over here.

What this state needs is more frigging photo opportunities.

What about this junk-bond king, Proctor?

I heard rumors Garvin took a $500,000 bribe.

If you can prove that, we'll win.

So when is the debate?

Not set. Garvin's dragging his feet.

Why did you move out?

No comment.

You didn't even leave me a note. Two years...

Two years of...

Let's not get into this right now.

No, say it.

Bob, you don't want a fiancée. You want a fan club.

Baghdad Bob. it's a pleasure to meet you.

You, too, sir. How are you?

We're having a little get-together at my vacation home on Thursday.

Jules, I'm sorry.

Time for happy hour with the press.

Wannamaker looks bad on the debate. Spin it so...

Garvin's dodging us.

One hour till press deadline. Hit 'em hard.

Hi, guys. Listen, on this debate front...

Is your guy backing off?

No. Wannamaker's position on the debate is clear. He wants one.

But where's Garvin?

Everyone keeps talking about this debate. It's a non-issue.

The real story here is Garvin's cowardice.

I could almost call Wannamaker cowardly.

Excuse me?

Sorry, I wasn't talking to you.

No, you were plagiarizing me.

I didn't even hear what you said.

You're standing right behind me!

Obviously, you're more conscious of me than I am of you.

How could I not be? You're wearing a quart of cologne.

It's aftershave, and it spilled.

I wouldn't put cologne on for a balloon...

God bless you! Vote on the 8th!

Leave me alone, please.

I'm on my way to my car.

Which, by the way, pings...

...ever since you drove it, thank you very much.

Hey, there's... What's his name? Beijing Bob?

That's Bob Freed.

That's R. Freed?

Wait a minute. Nah. You and Mr. Flak Jacket?

Are you jealous?

Why? it's clear who you're interested in.

Yeah, and getting clearer.

Going my way? I'll give you a lift.


Although no one can actually be sure the bear cub has touched the meals...

...one can assume that after several days of this, a cub would be pretty hungry.

Is there any word on what the food consisted of?

Yes, Doris. Some ham, lettuce...

...onions, various cold cuts, and a strangely poignant touch, honey.

Wealthy New Mexican businessman Alan Proctor christened the Santa Fe racetrack.

The much-disputed gambling site is half-owned by the tycoon...

My sympathies with labor run deep.

My sympathies with unions are strong.

Let me tell you a little something about myself.

I come from a blue-collar background.

My dad worked for the Southern Pacific ever since he came to this country.

I started working for the rail road when I was 16 years old.

Hard, 12-hour days.

Picture the grime, the Di rt, the smell of sweat, the despair.

Can't you hear the whistle blowing?

Rise up, early in the morn!

Can't you hear the captain shouting:

"Dinah, blow your horn?"

There's someone in the kitchen with Dinah.

There's someone in the kitchen...

...I know.

Yes, kitchen...

Let's talk about something I know.

And I know about the kitchen.

My opponent wants to keep the women in the kitchen:

Dinah, Alice, whomever.

But I feel that this is un-American.

Who phoned?

He said he had approved changes for the Teleprompter.

I want security measures tightened.

If I find anyone fraternizing with the other side, they are fired!

What did he sound like?

Listen, you...

Julia, hi! Gosh, it's nice to hear from you.

My organizer! I want it back!

Did you lose something?

I suppose you had nothing to do with the Teleprompter?

Why is it always "me, me, me"? What about my needs?

Promise me that you'll get professional help.

"Hey, little girl, is your daddy home?

"Did he go and leave you all alone?"

Or something like that.

Want to go out?

Kev, this isn't cutting it. It's supposed to be a friendly speech.

Comfortable?

"Wannamaker has run a sloppy, inept and hostile campaign."

Good.

"He's incompetent, crooked, mean-spirited and out of touch with the voters?"

What's the problem?

Where's the friendly?

Read the next line.

"Still, he has the right to run."

There you go.

I don't understand...

That's...

Wannamaker's staff, their campaign manager.

What happened to not mixing with the enemy?

What are you doing?

My back.

It helps it a lot if I crawl around on the floor like this.

Debate negotiations. I'll introduce you. No! That's okay.

So lighten up on the vitriol.

Wannamaker will back off soon anyway. You know Julia Mann?

Campaign-osaurus. She's been on a dozen of them.

Didn't you meet her at that junior-high career thing?

Yeah, right. Julia Mann.

We hear she's the one mixing the mud.

My back. It helps a lot if I lean against something.

Well, she doesn't know it yet, but at the end of the week, she's out.

What do you mean "out"?

They're replacing her.

Ever since the Friendship Ditch, you've been kicking her butt.

It's exciting to see. What's doing it to you?

I'll explain later.

Let's go.

I'll be there in a second.

Great. We'll just go wait out here.


What did your boyfriend's tattoo say?

I can't believe you!

I've been awake for three hours. You don't tell me, it'll be three more.

My little overachiever.

If I apologize, will you tell me what the tattoo said?

I'm sorry about the Ditch.

But I didn't know you were with the other campaign...

...so I didn't know that I was stealing.

As far as the Teleprompter goes, well...

Boy, you know...

That got out of hand.

I've got a comedy background.

It was too good to pass up. I got weak. I'm sorry.

It won't happen again. How's that?

Okay.

- Good night. Good night. On the upper lip?

No. Good night, Kevin.

Wait. Julia, listen to me for a second.

I've got to tell you something.

Go ahead.

What are you doing right now?

Can you help me out for a sex? Did I say "sex"? I meant "sec."

- Just for a second? No!

With what?

Damn car problem.

The problem with the Broncos is, they got no offensive line.

So how you been?

Kevin, the only reason I agreed to meet with you is...

Why? Did you miss me?

I'm engaged.

I wanted you to know, that's all.

Anyway, what was it you needed to tell me?

Nothing.

Car trouble?

No, I'm fine.

Nice rental.

Did you see the polls? We're sliding.

That's temporary. We're gonna get him on that...

On what?

The thing we were talking about.

What thing?

The thing with the other thing.

What on earth?

The fish? The porpoise? The whale?

Can we talk about this later?

Oh, you mean... Let's not talk about it now!

Okay?

Is something wrong? You're acting kind of unfocused lately.

What? Unfocused?

Never mind. it's all right. We'll talk.

That's it, Kevin. You're on your own.

Wait a minute.

I've been thinking about what... Wait a minute!

Congratulations on the engagement. I mean it.

There. There's no reason we can't be friends now.

We're in a campaign!

So?

Look at your hands. You can't go back to the hotel like that.

A framed picture of J.F.K. in the living room?

In the kitchen. You're good at this.

You probably graduated near the top of your class.

Valedictorian. Very near.

You were class clown?

I was voted "Most Likely to Embarrass My Family."

You'd have hated me.

No, I would have avoided you.

You always wanted to write sitcoms? No. I always wanted to write.

I was a speechwriter before.

Then I found out I believed in my words more than the candidates did.

So I quit.

Sitcoms are depressing, too, but the money's a whole lot better.

You're funny.

Cynical on the outside, but inside you're... What? Not like Bob?

Is Bob warm and gushy on the inside?

Is that why you guys decided to get engaged?

We just need some time, that's all, to fall in love again.

What?

Nothing.

How come I don't I trust you?

I honestly don't know.

What the hell are you doing? Take your shoes off.

Hey, Julia.

What would you do if you weren't campaigning?

You know, what if you were...

What if you quit?

I won't quit. I spent 10 years on losing campaigns.

Clinton made it, now it's my turn.

You want some advice?

You're a regular Dear Abby, aren't you? Get in here. Put your feet in.

Your boy Wannamaker...

...he's a total stiff.

It warms up.

You have nice feet.

Thanks.

Well, you know, I work out.

Yours aren't so bad.

I like feet. They reveal things.

They say something about somebody's personality.

My advice, Julia?

Wannamaker needs a "You see, Timmy."

"You see, Timmy." What language is that?

At the end of every Lassie, Timmy's mom would say to him, "You see, Timmy..."

She'd teach him a lesson. I can't believe this.

It was always hopeful, always had heart. That's what his voters are waiting for.

They want to see if the guy has anything going on inside.

When does it get warmer?

Why are you telling me this? It doesn't help you.

You're right.

I'm doing it because I like you.

That and I know Wannamaker can't pull it off, so I'm not worried.

He doesn't get it. Campaigns are about one thing: winning.

No. They're about changing the world.

I hate how people treat it like it's a game...

...like it's a race with winners and losers.

What we do affects people.

The people who do anything to win, do anything to keep on winning.

Why are you staring at me?

Because I haven't heard anyone talk like that in a long time.

You should run.

Julia?

I want to tear your clothes off.

All right! Truce!

Truce.

All right, wait!

Really a truce this time. All right? I mean it.

It's just immature and foolish.

Look, your hair is a mess.

I know what you're going to say. I can't.

They're going to fire you on Friday.

Why do I do these things?

...an Albuquerque firm donated heavy equipment to help...

President Clinton has set aside federal matching funds.

More importantly, he sent a note of support.

The President's note read, in part:

"America is proud of your courage and your diligence.

"All we can do now is pray."

That seems to sum up the mood on this, day 15 of "Bear Watch."

How have area schoolchildren reacted to Teddy's dilemma?

Child psychologists say...

At a certain point, you don't worry about the Scuds and you just do the job.

The audience has the right to know.

He's much sexier in person.

I've enjoyed experiences all over the world: Grenada, Belfast...

I heard he's gay.

Come on. He's engaged.

He was whistling show tunes in the elevator.

Top you off there?

No, I can't drink that much.

Can you do this?

Here. Try it.

Why?

I don't know. Haven't you done anything just to do it?

You ever get a tattoo?

Once. Where?

Maui.

No, I mean...

Did you hear I'm getting married?

Yeah. I heard.

Dumb move.

Do you know any married people who are happy? What are you doing it for?

In my life, I need some security. You see that? Iraq. Shrapnel.

Wow.

See that?

A guy threw up on me once in a bar in Pittsburgh.

Brutal.

Let me run something by you, Bob.

You can call me "Baggie."

Really?

Okay. Let me run something by you, Baggie.

How about a piece on Garvin's handlers?

A behind-the-scenes kind of thing.

Been done. But not like this.

You could follow us around, all day long, all night long.

See how I write a speech from beginning to end.

Interesting. What's the access?

Open. No closed doors. Day and night.

Spend all your time with me. I don't care.

I'll call it Handling of a Candidate or something.

Nah, I don't know. What? You don't like it?

I'd have to be with you for the campaign.

I made a commitment to be with my fiancée.

What the hell, Baggie?

She'll understand. What kind of woman wouldn't understand?

Damn.

I got a damn canker sore. Those are painful.

They hurt. Ever get them? Up here or down here?

You have a lip tattoo?

A lip tattoo?

Oh, my God!

We have to be able to spin this.

A disaster! Channel 2.

We interrupt our regular broadcast...

...to bring you this special news flash. On this, day 16 of "Bear Watch"...

...Teddy has been safely rescued...

...from a well at the Albuquerque Zoo.

Senatorial candidate Lloyd Wannamaker...

...was the first to pull the bear cub to safety.

Wannamaker took time out from his political campaign...

...to dig with other concerned citizens.

We're living a nightmare.

With other concerned citizens looking on...

...Senate candidate Lloyd Wannamaker...

...was the first to pull the exhausted cub to safety.

This bear is truly an inspiration.

Even when all is lost...

...there's always a light at the end of the well.

No more than three points.

Three points? The guy just saved Winnie the Pooh...

...and you say three points!

Why didn't you think of it, genius?

You, too, Annette. He's your guy.

Tycoon Alan Proctor was in the news again with rumblings from a grand jury...

Mr. Vallick? For you.

You won't believe it!

Julia, this is dangerous. This is enemy territory.

They made me Press Secretary!

You're kidding!

That's great! Good for you.

Let me ask you about the bear thing. That was your idea, right?

Yes! They fired Kratz and made me Press Secretary. I owe it all to you.

Yes, I do, because that idea and everything...

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you.

I wish there was a way I could repay you.

But perhaps you'll accept a mint.

A mint?

Well, a mint.

It was good advice and the No. 1 news story.

Hang on. You're right. And...

...some shampoo.

Mint and shampoo. Done deal. And it's organic.

So what did Bob say about all this?

I haven't told him yet.

Really?

You came here first?

Yeah. Well, you were closer...

...geographically.

I'm pretty close now, actually, geographically.

Anyway...

...I better go. I have to go tell...

Bob.

Anyway, thank you.

You're a good friend, but I'll kick your ass in November.

I wouldn't bet on that.

I would bet on it if...

Look at that.

They were there all the time. Funny. Thank you.

Don't feel bad. She didn't appreciate you.

It's a behind-the-scenes kind of thing: Handling of a Candidate.

I'll be with the campaign 24 hours a day from now to the election. isn't that great?

But we were going be together.

Yes. I'm doing it on your campaign. I'm doing it on you!

What do you think, Press Secretary?

I'll see if I can get it cleared.

Want a little more? Yeah, thanks.

Bob, let's say you'd been married a year. Your wife comes to you and says:

"I met a man at a party. I slept with him.

"I promise it'll never happen again. I still love only you." What would you say?

I'd say, "I love you, too. I won't pretend it doesn't hurt me.

"But maybe we should get some counseling...

"...and try to put the whole thing behind us."

But you'd forgive her?

Yeah. I'd have to forgive her. Okay?

Yeah, sure.

You can't be selfish and be a friend at the same time.

Friendship is about self-sacrifice.

And sacrifice is a two-way street. Like us.

"You see, Timmy..."

What? Timmy?

Honey, who's Timmy?


What's another word for "misconstrued"?

What's the context?

"My position on education has been misconstrued by my opponent."

"Distorted."

Thanks. I knew you wouldn't be sleeping.

Do you have a minute to talk?

I was just finishing a letter to your mom.

- Say hi for me. Sure will.

Can we meet?

Yeah. Sure.

Let's meet in about 20 minutes.

So how are you doing? You and Bob?

Notice I didn't say "Baja Bob."

Thanks.

Great. He's great.

Good. Great in what way? It's for your mom's letter.

You know. Generous.

He fills my room with roses. Stuff like that.

In fact, the thing I needed to talk to you about...

You see, I'm not sure...

...that we shouldn't not see each other anymore.

You're not sure we should, or you're sure that we shouldn't?

I'm sure that we shouldn't.

See each other. Right.

Wait a minute.

Didn't you call me? Yes, right.

I called you because I needed to tell you that we shouldn't see each other anymore.

Did we just enter another dimension?

Why do you keep meeting with me to tell me you can't meet with me?

Because it doesn't make any sense, that's why.

My life doesn't make any sense.

We don't make any sense. Nothing does. I have to go.

Wait a minute. You just got here.

I know, but I have to get up really early. Bob's doing this behind-the-scenes thing...

I know.

...on the campaign and me.

What?

The Days and Nights of a Press Secretary. Right through till the election.

- The Handling of a Candidate? Something like that.

We'll be spending a lot of time together and with his crew around...

Anyway, I'm engaged, okay?

And yes, it is a trial engagement, I'll give you that.

But still, I'm not being fair to Bob if I'm here.

You're going to say, "But we're friends."

And friendship is in every relationship. I mean, is Bob my friend?

I don't know. What I'm trying to say is...

...I have to go.


Good evening. I'm Jim Rodriguez.

In a campaign with more debate behind the scenes than in front...

...it finally comes down to two men. Although polls have Wannamaker ahead...

...many experts believe that Garvin can only win tonight with a clear knockout.

"The white bull."

That's what Hemingway called the blank page.

Every day the writer must look that bull right between the eyes.

With those dreaded words still looming:

"Deadline. Deadline. Deadline."

Good, like that. That's great.

Ten tiny tots on the train tracks.

Got to keep the tongue loose.

Guys, let's get a close-up on the screen. Show how she's doing.

Sweetheart, you've got a long way to go.

Something's been distracting you.

I'm not distracted.

Yes, and it's costing us.

Ever since the bear, they've been getting the better of you.

Who has?

Wannamaker.

I need that script for the Chuck and Eddie infomercial.

Jules! You all right? Sorry, Julia.

Sweetheart? I'm fine.

I'm gonna get some ice.

With the debate now only moments away, now the fight with nerves begins.

Like Grenada, 1983, with the Airborne Division waiting for the night drop.

Good. Cut.

Shoot. No, I got to get her the...

Hello?

One minute!

Hello?

Anybody home? Hey, Jules?

Jules, I got a great idea.

I've been meaning to run this by you.

Bob, I'm a little busy right now.

What if we put a camera on your head? That way, we'd get your POV.

What do you think? We got to get you suited up.

I'm not walking around with a camera mounted on my head.

Why not? "Julie-cam." it's perfect.

Is something wrong? Something's wrong, isn't it?

Yes.

What?

I can't do this.

The camera's not that heavy.

It's lightweight, it's got fiber optics, remote control...

Shit.

Is it Timmy?


Kevin, this is not a good time.

I know, but listen. What's on your eye? Is that a hickey?

Yes, it's a hickey.

Wait a minute. Julia.

I have only one thing to say to you.

You can't marry Freed.

Why?

Why?

All right, I didn't expect you to ask me that.

Wait a minute!

How many minutes? Four.

Julia, listen.

You can't marry Freed. Ask me why.

Why?

Because...

...Julia...

...every day I don't see you...

...is painful to me.

Every day I can't press my lips against yours...

...I feel like I'm going to die.

Better?

Yeah.

Please...

...I really need to do this.

This is so crazy. We're going to get fired.

Dan! Hi!

Let me see. Is it gone?

Got it. She had a little spinach there.

Julia, drink a toast to Teddy for me. Thank you.

Hi! Kevin, isn't it? Yes, that's right.

Sitcom writer. Exactly.

Julia, I've been thinking about you running.

Kevin, you were just heading off? I've got to get going.

No, don't leave. Watch the debate from here.

There's a little Congressional seat up in Rhode island, heavy female numbers.

Three minutes!

We'll talk about it at the victory party.

Julia, we have to talk about this.

Bob Freed. Have you met Kevin?

Yeah. We were drinking buddies. Yeah.

Since when? Kind of.

Heard about the behind-the-scenes thing, Baggie. Great idea.

That was before Timmy.

Anyway, Jules is like you. She writes for...

Whoever pays the most!

What are you working on now, Kevin?

Good, everyone's here.

Okay. Everybody ready?

Kevin was just telling us about his latest.

He's a good writer. it's shaping up great.

You've read it? Of course.

Yeah. I show everything I write to Lee.

What's it called?

What's it called? Health Care Reform...

...Show. The Health Care Reform Show.

Ten seconds!

What is it? Comedy? Drama?

It's a little of both. We have Florence Henderson lined up...

Dan, now is no time to play partisan politics.

Look!

Good evening, and welcome to the New Mexico Senatorial Debate.

I'm Ian Campbell, and I'll be your moderator.

Tonight will be your one chance...

...to examine the men who hope to represent you...

...for the next six years in our nation's capital.

It is an important decision, and one we hope you will take seriously.

God, you smell great.

Let's get out of here.

Yeah.

Can I meet you outside?

You go first.

Kevin, where are you going?

You know what? I think I hear my car alarm out there.

Is that what that sound is?

You know, I have to just go call my mom...

...to take her pills. She falls down if she doesn't take them.

The not-falling-down pills.

Let's get out of here.


Come here.

I'm so glad to be out of there.

By the way, I'm not marrying Bob.

You're not? No.

Good choice.

America cannot be seduced.

What's going on?

My money's on Garvin.

Has Wannamaker lost some weight?

Tarzan. Jane.

Tarzan, Jane. Tarzan, Jane.

What?

Yeah. Those were my serial-killer years.

Did you just snort? No.

Yes, you did. You laughed and then you snorted.

There you go again. You're snort-laughing.

It's a common thing. You could have used a snort-laugh here.

Such a bad attitude.

I hate when people say, "Smile!"

I guess so.

Hey, isn't this...

That's my ex-wife. What's that doing in there?

You're kidding! You and Annette?

I know. There's no explanation for some things.

I don't understand it either. Probably a lot like you and Bob.

So what finally happened there? What ended it this time?

It was that behind-the-scenes thing that killed it.

Really?

That's too bad. At least say it like you mean it.

Okay. Let me try it.

Well, that's too bad. How's that?

You've been married a year. Your wife comes to you and says:

Is this a test? Yes.

"I met a man at a party. I slept with him.

"I promise it'll never happen again, and I still love only you."

What would you do?

I'd take her to a really romantic spot...

...like a mountaintop, or a real pretty bridge, or something like that...

...and I'd push her off.

You wouldn't forgive her. No.

Well, maybe after the funeral.

What would you do?

Same thing.

My kind of girl.

Shall we speak the unspoken language of love?

You mean the kind only dogs can hear? Yes. The very same.


Kevin, open up!

Wake up, sleepyhead!

Kevin? Garvin is panicked.

Chuck and Eddie are already here for this infomercial...

...and the script you wrote us is shit!

There are the research materials.

Fax a new script to Garvin by 6:00 a.m. or you're fired!

Election's a week away. I'm getting pretty tired...

...of you paying more attention to your reporter than to your job!

Kevin!

Wake up. Come on.

You've got to. Kevin, wake up, okay?

We have to write this thing, come on. Are you awake?

There you go.

All right. Come on.

You really can't handle champagne, can you?

Okay. Here we go. Right up here.

Come on, Kevin. Let's go.

Here we go. All right.

Jeez, Kevin, when you sleep, you really do sleep.

Kevin, cut it out, come on! We don't have time for games.

Here we go. Now, where's the script?

Here. Wait here.

Is it in here?

I got it. Okay, here it is.

"Infomercial."

Hold yourself up here just for a second.

Let's get some light. Hang on, all right. Now...

You dictate and I'll write, okay? What would Ray Garvin say?

Let me tell you about...

Go ahead. "Let me tell you..."

Are you okay? Let me tell you about what?

Myself? My life? My prostate?

"Let me tell you about my family.

"During this long campaign..."

...I haven't had a chance to just sit and talk.

So I wanted to invite you into my home, where I can sort of let my hair down.

I hope you don't mind. I never miss making my kids' lunches.

Rusty? Spot?

Hey, Ruffles!

This is great. You're gonna love this.

I'll show you later.

It's Chuck and Eddie!


Julia?

Hey, Shakespeare! Hi, guys.

Good stuff. Best thing you've ever written.

Thanks.

Let's get together. Yeah.

How's it going?

Home run.

One of the reasons both of you are out of work...

Between employment opportunities.

...Is because of policies like those of my opponent.

For example, if you give one of those eggs back to me...

...that's one less egg for investment. Ruffles!

You really saved my ass on this thing. Thanks.

In related news, overnight polls show...

...reaction to the senatorial debate clearly favoring Garvin.

Many believe he has the momentum.

Many? What many? Who? You and your cousin?

...especially with tonight's daring campaign broadcast.

This is our man.

Ignorant populist bullshit!

Garvin's 30-minute infomercial...

...which featured a guest appearance by sitcom favorites Chuck and Eddie...

...has clearly helped Garvin, say many campaign experts.

Have we got the documentation yet on the Proctor stuff?

It could blow up in our faces.

Put it out there.

Okay. Time to play hardball.

Can we first... I don't want to hear it. Get going.


Julia Mann, please.

You're nothing but a horse's ass!

Hello?

What's going on?

Come on in.

I just got off the phone with a reporter who is going to run a story tonight...

...from an unnamed source...

...claiming that Ray Garvin accepted a $400,000 bribe...

...from junk-bond king Alan Proctor.

My God!

Thus effectively ending our campaign.

Someone turned our finance red file over to the press.

I'd just like to know why in the hell you did it, Annette.

You're kidding, right?

I wish I was.

You're serious?

I don't believe this.

You have some gall accusing me, Lee. This campaign has been my life.

You can take your finance red file and shove it up your ass!

Good-bye. Why would Annette do that?

Only three people knew enough to be this unnamed source.

Proctor, Garvin, and whoever gave the files over.

I ruled out Garvin and Proctor.

Which reporter called? It doesn't matter.

I need to know.

Bob Freed.

Is Kevin Vallick there?

That's all right. Thanks.

You're amazing, Julia. You know, I thought I was good.

Yeah, God forbid I endanger your position in the campaign!

Where are you going?

You're upset about something. I'm going to a more appropriate place.

Where? A firing range?

Okay, go ahead. What's on your mind?

Your little Proctor leak. Nice work, Julia.

Newsflash: campaigns play hardball. If you can't take competition...

No, I can take the competition. It's the backstabbing that's the real drag.

I keep you from getting fired, and...

You keep me from getting fired?

What I did the other night was a sacrifice. I didn't have to do that.

Really? Thanks.

I didn't know sleeping with me was such a burden.

That's not what I meant. I should have known.

I don't know why I don't realize this.

I'm such a jerk. Politics and love never mix. Never.

You know what, Julia?

From the moment I saw you...

...I should have just run.

Then run.


Mr. Vallick?

Proctor bribes Garvin.

Wannamaker goes to the press with the bribe story.

Garvin is ruined. Right? All very convenient.

The question is, who gave the information to Wannamaker?

I already know who gave the information.

Proctor.

Why would Proctor do this?

He bribed both candidates. He kept them both in his pocket.

He decided he wants Wannamaker to win, so he's destroying Garvin.

I want him to lose.

And I want Garvin to hire me when you win.


I would like to introduce New Mexico's newest Senator!


Hi. Hi.

I was just leaving.

Yeah, I saw your car.

I've been trying to call you.

I've been really busy. Sorry.

I stopped by the hotel.

I just haven't had a minute to myself.

I'm going to say this real quickly, okay? Look, Julia...

I'm really sorry. I didn't know.

I feel like I blew it, and I...

This is really hard for me to say.

Harder than not trusting me? No, I just...

I couldn't have done it without my staff! Come on up here, guys! Get up here!

Come on, Julia. He wants us up there. Come on!

What?

Congratulations!

Get used to winning, Julia. You're next.

Look at him. He'll never know how close we came.

How close did we come? What?

How close did we come?

You sure you don't want to be kept in the dark on this?

Wannamaker took money from Proctor, too.

Fortunately, Proctor wanted our guy to win.

Have a nice evening, sir.

What am I doing?

I also want to give a special thanks to my Press Secretary...

...a real trooper, Miss Julia Mann!

Come on out here, Julia. Take a bow. Come on.

She's a little shy, folks.

Pardon me. Julia?

Kevin?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Where the hell are you?

Up here in the balcony. A little to your left. Right here.

Get rid of that guy! What the hell is this? I've got a speech to finish.

I know all about Proctor, so stuff it. You're already finished.

Go ahead, Kevin. You have something to say?

Here?

Look.

I just think maybe there's this tiny possibility that...

...maybe we...

We make sense.

Well, we did sleep together, I'll give you that.

No, I mean we actually slept. I haven't slept like that for a long time.

Unlock the door!

Look, Julia, let's face it.

We belong together.

Why?

God, I'm a writer. I should be prepared for this stuff.

Because after all we've been through, Julia...

I mean, look at us. We're still here, aren't we?

We're still together...

...kind of.

That's it? You can't do any better than that?

Push it!

Unlock the door, sir!

Wait right there.

No, Kevin!

Shit.

Tarzan!

Jane!

I love you, Julia.

I love you, Kevin.

What did the lip tattoo say?

Kiss me.

"Kiss me"? Nah. You're making that up.


Turning now to other key races around the country.

Rhode Island may end up looking like a combat zone...

...since relative unknown Julia Mann announced her candidacy today...

...in the heated Congressional battle.

This campaign, which many believe is a long shot...

...was defended by campaign manager Kevin Vallick as...

Julia and Kevin?

I give them six months.

A year.

Happily ever after.