Spy Intervention (2020) Script

At the dawn of time, the roles of men and women were well-defined.

He who lived an adventurous life, hunting, foraging and providing, while she stayed in thesecurity of their cave dwelling and made what little they had at home.

But over millions of years, something strange happened: the lines blurred.

Call it evolution or straight up confusion, but the modern relationship is so complicated.

Just like every other couple throughout history, we had plenty of our own issues.

While most people plan a date night, see a therapist or secretly take out their frustrations during sex, we needed something much more intense.

We needed an intervention.

I guess we should start at the beginning.

When Pam and I first met, like every other guy, I was just trying to scratch out a living.

What about Venice? Nah, too cliche.



You know, I don't think Francesca eats sushi.

Yeah well, we can't just take 'em to New York for dinner this month.

That's amateur.

I don't know, they're Black Ops.

Their standards are pretty high.

Well I'll think of somethin'.


What about Paris?

Well with everything goin' on there, I don't wanna feel like I'm on-call.

Nah, you're right.

I'll think of somethin' a little more exotic

off the grid.

You didn't see that or this.

I've got it. What?


Kathman-fucking-du, yes!

The girls are gonna love the little restaurants and dive bars in the Himalayas.

The important thing is what happens in Kathmandu, stays in Kathmandu.

I've got our target, Egan Doyle.

We don't know what kind of weapon he's trying to acquire or from whom.

He's moving quickly through the concourse.

I'm so sorry, are you okay?

No no, I'm not okay.


That really fucking hurt.

Corey, (taps) what's goin' on?

I just don't know what would make you in such a rush.

You don't have to be running recklessly through a mall without looking where you're going.

I mean it was rude and I've just gotten to a point in my life where I'm gonna be one of these people that speaks up, so this is me speaking up.

And I'm just curious what you might have to say other than you're sorry because you've already fucking said that.

I don't know.

Sorry, I overstepped.

Here I am giving lectures when I should just be I'm handing out free samples.

What the hell are you doin', Corey?

Go get Egan.

It's all about customer appreciation and I want you to know that I appreciate you.

I feel appreciated.

Whoa, your hands.

They're like sandpaper.

What, are you in construction or something?

What the?

No, I'm not in construction.

I work in cardboard, sell cardboard boxes.

Right well if you want, you can join our membership club.

We can send you, you know information, specials and coupons.

I just need your email.

Yeah, join the club.


I'm Corey.

I'm Pam.


Is this thing even working?


Corey, Corey!

Shit, I'm sorry.

I have to go.

Is everything okay?

Just a business meeting.

What about your email?

Don't worry, I'll find you.

Fuck, shit.

We lost Egan.

We lost Egan.

What the fuck?

Jeez, thought it was a bug.

Don't freak out, Corey's gonna be here any minute.

So you're looking at Havenshire County's year five figure skating champion.

Wow, you're really good.

Oh my god.

Were you in the Olympics or something?

Just a little ice hockey growin' up.

I knew it. What?

You're gonna be one of those guys who's good at everything.

What's wrong with being good at everything?

Knowing you're good at everything, nothing will ever make you happy.

That's not true.

I'm totally happy. Are you?

Yeah, I am.

You wanna know what I think?

I think you're one of those guys who's always gonna be looking up at the clouds tryin' to figure out the next dream, the next accomplishment trying to see every little part of the world and how to escape to it all so you don't have to look in the mirror and find out who you really are.

Where's the adventure in that, my dear?

The adventure is finding out what's really inside.

It's still kinda early.

What do you feel like doin'?

No, it's your turn.

You can't expect me to come up with everything.

All right, well we can hop a jet to New York, catch a play.

Jump on a yacht to Tahiti.


Or we can head to Kenya for a safari.

Your head, it's in the clouds.

For a guy who sells cardboard boxes for a living, you have quite the imagination.

Yeah, I guess I do.

Look, I've gotta get up early in the morning to open the store, so I think we should call it a night.


Yeah, we'll call it a rain check on our next adventure.

(Corey sighing)

Look, I hope I didn't freak you out earlier with my whole anti-thrill seeking diagnosis.

There's something about you.

There's a word for it.

You're just-- Oh god, no.

No, look I've been on way too many dates where people pretend.

You know, they're not themselves.

It's not me.

What you see is what you get.

No, I get it.

I'd much rather have you be real than--

Present something I'm not?

Right, yeah.

I guess if you do wanna come over, you can.

But I'm gonna be watching a movie and I have laundry, like a lot of laundry.

Stacks of it, in fact.

Love to do laundry and watch a movie.



Are you good? Yeah, I'm good.



Fuck! What the hell is wrong with you?

You're messin' me up.

Coffee. You never miss.

Yeah well, it must be the gun.

You know ever since we failed that Egan mission, you haven't been the same.

All right Smuts, I failed one fuckin' mission one time.

It's bound to happen sooner or later, 'kay?

Well it wouldn't have happened if you weren't off flirting with Pat.

It's Pam. Whatever.

Just tell me you're not gettin' serious with this girl.

Trust me.

Pam and I, we're just havin' fun.

There's nothin' serious about it.

45 seconds to play in the sudden death overtime.

Who would you do if you could be someone completely different?

What do you mean?

Don't you ever think about making some drastic change?

You know, taking some risk and chance just to be something else.

Oh yeah, sure.

I mean why not buy a three-bedroom house and sell boxes from one place rather than chase corporate accounts all over the world?

No no no no, you have to be something else.

I mean like for me, I've always always always wanted to have my makeup line.

Really? Yeah, absolutely.

I mean I can see the packaging field the products.

I once even worked for the chemists in developing this firming cream.

Firming cream, what is firming cream?

Oh you don't have to worry about it, you don't need it yet.

All right.

So if you got it over here, why not do it now?

Now? Yeah, now.

So says the cardboard box salesman.

Why don't you just change your career and become what you're dying to be?

How do you know I won't?

Well, I know.

I mean as much as I see myself commanding a makeup empire, I don't wanna sacrifice everything I have now.

I think it'd be easier climbing Mount Everest.

I don't know 'bout that.

It's pretty difficult.

I'd imagine.

Although, the Napelese food is pretty good I hear.

So how long have you been thinking about that three-bedroom house with the white picket fence?

Ever since I met you.


I sort of had a similar thought.

You did?

Yeah, like this morning.

I was at Target and I saw this dinnerware set and I just suddenly thought these would be perfect for our dinner parties.

You want dinner parties?


we're gonna have a lot of dinner parties.

There you go.

Is that all?

Is that gonna make me young enough to make you the cougar?

Yeah, well they do come highly recommended.

You ever seen one of these?

They take ya all over the world.

You could ride the Harry train with me there.

Okay, maybe one day.

Don't take me off your boyfriend list.

I won't.


Have a great day. See ya soon.

Bye, thank you so much.

I don't have a gag reflex in case you were wondering.

Here we go.

You are a moron. Mm-hmm, why?

'Cause he had a frickin' black card.


So that card is an insurance policy, Pam.

That card says you never have to work at this shitty job ever again.

That card says sorry, Brianna.

I can't make it to your birthday party because my husband and I are vacationing in the Swiss Alps and then we're going to our Italian villa where we're gonna be waited on hand-and-foot by bronze-chested man servants.

Brianna, you know I'm in a relationship.

Corey sells boxes, Pam.


I mean is he cute?


Does his ass look good in a pair of jeans?


Does he have a good personality?

Why not?

But at the end of the day, he sells cardboard fucking boxes, Pam.

Do you know how boring that is?

It's not boring.

Is he James Bond?

No, but like I don't want a James Bond.

Well good 'cause you got James Bland.

I just want someone I can depend on.

Someone that is stable, like-minded, consistent.

Well you shoulda told me you were looking for that

'cause I woulda hooked you up with my grandfather.



What does he do, eat your pussy really good?

I don't know, I don't get it.

I can't answer that question.

You just quit, what the hell?

This whole spy life isn't what I want anymore, Smuts.

You said it yourself, I haven't been the same since I failed that last mission.

It's 'cause I'm not.


Please don't start with that romantic dribble about Pat.

It's Pam.

And yes she's what I care about, Smuts all right?

I love her.

I'm ready to live that normal life that we've always been protecting.


Wow, okay.

So you're telling me that you can't wait to go out, assume your cover, sell cardboard boxes be chained to a desk, join a bowling league, start paying taxes, get a mortgage, have a car payment, fly commercial, start swimming in credit card debt?

I mean, what are you gonna tell me next, that ya like drinking domestic beer?

I love domestic beer.


Holy, it's a bit of a fixer-upper.

Yeah, but it's ours.

Well our boxes are made of 100% recycled material.

No, I can't give you a discount.

What I can do is enroll you in our customer appreciation program which does offer rewards on both orders.

Well I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

But if you happen to change your mind, don't hesitate to call back and ask for cardboard Corey.


Welcome to the team.

Well let's knock 'em down and knock 'em back, huh?

Honey, I'm home. Taste this.

Mmm, that's good; what is it?

Nepalese Momo.

I found them in this amazing cookbook that I picked up this week and I couldn't find the Jimbu, but I think this'll taste all right.

A what?

It's a Nepalese dried onion.

I'm testin' for our dinner party.

What dinner party?

Corey. What?

We're gonna have a lot of dinner parties.

God, I hope it stays like this forever.

And for the cave people, it did stay like that forever.

But unfortunately, well we ain't livin' in a cave.

I thought you were gonna call and have that fixed.

I thought you were gonna call and have that fixed.

No, we don't have any plastic bins.

We don't have any metal containers.

We don't sell steel drums, just boxes.

Plain old fucking cardboard boxes.

It's all about personality.

It's all about passion.

It's all about believing what you sell.

Look I don't know what you want me to do here, Rick.

All right?

I watched the training video, I followed the sales manual.

At the end of the day, I mean they're just boxes.

No, Corey.

They're not just boxes.

These are containers that move the treasures of our lives.

Right, okay.

Remember our motto,

"Think outside the box."

Hey, Freddy.

C'mon baby, let's go.

You got this.

Four pins, that's all we need.


Loser! Woo!

Hey, what the fuck?

First we lose to Polly's Pies, then Tim's Auto Body and now Diana's Floral?

I mean what is this?

I don't get it.

Do you even realize that we are the laughing stock of this league?

Every time you throw a gutter or miss a spare, you guys just laugh if off and it's not funny.

I mean I've tried to help you guys, right?

I mean Ted, I bought you finger grips.

Where the hell they at?

Fred, I bought you lessons.


Bob you know if anybody was on my side, I thought it'd be you.

I bought you a wrist guard and you don't even wear it.

Well why don't you quit? No.

Winners don't quit, Ted.

Winners win.

I honestly don't give a shit about winning.

Yeah, man.

Do you know how much shit I have to deal with at home?

I don't need extra pressure, I don't want stress.

I come here to drink beers and catch up with my guys.

Hey, I forgot to tell you guys.

My dual hood grill just showed up.

It's incredible.

Oh man, I am so jealous right now.

I'm kinda tired.

Yeah, I'm kinda tired too.

Maybe tomorrow.

Definitely tomorrow.

Wow, you were totally right.

This definitely beats happy hour.

You know serial killers hang out here, right?

Okay look, you didn't have to come.

I told you I had to get the track lighting.

Listen to yourself.

You've been on like this Joan of Arc, mother of misery routine for a week.

Here we go.

I'm just saying I get why you're depressed.

You get up, go to work, you come home.

You watch "Dance Mom" for 12 hours, then you pass out and do it all over again.

It's enough to make anybody miserable.

If I lied to you and told you I was miserable, would that make you stop?

I don't want you to be miserable.

I just want you to be that Pam that I used to know, you know?

The Pam who was like it's four p.m., who cares?

Let's go get drunk or let's go on a crazy shopping spree even though we both have no money in our bank accounts.

The Pam that just had that like joie de vivre.

Brianna, I am happy.

Look, you just don't understand what it's like to be in a relationship.

There's a lot going on.

Corey and I've gotta you know finish stuff with the house.

We're decorating rooms, refinishing hardwood, installing track lighting.

It's a lot.

You know, there's just not enough time for joie de vivre.

Okay, well we better make some time for margaritas

'cause this bitch is craving.


I wish you would've married James Bond instead of James Bland.

James Bond?

James Bond, really?

'Cause he was an emotionally unstable womanizing alcoholic.

Yeah, but that's kinda hot.

Wow, this place is amazing.

How come we've never hung out here before?

You're not funny.

You're wrong.

You see I'm Rodney fuckin' Dangerfield, man.

I'm tellin' you comedy is tragedy and this place is fucking depressing.

I warned you I had to pick up a light package, right?

You knew what you were gettin' into.

Yeah, you warned me all right and all this really excites you.

Yes, this really excites me.

Damn, you need a vacation.


A vacation.

A place you can swim with dolphins, squirrel suit off a cliff, hovercraft over a lake.

I don't know, just anything to feel your mojo that's so obviously been neutered by this suburban insanity.

Yeah well, I'd love to go to some tropical destination with warm sunshine and cold drinks, Smuts.

But what problems does that solve?


What the hell, I'm here now.

Well why would you have me come here if you were gonna get it?


You really do have a lotta problems.

Spy means nothin'.

Yeah well, you're not a spy anymore.

I feel like we should take a trip somewhere, get outta here.

Go where?

I don't know, anywhere.

England, France, Nepal.

Cool. Yeah, instead of reading and tryin' to replicate, you know let's go.

Boots on the ground, taste the food, see Mount Everest.

Just escape.

I've always wanted to see Mount Everest.

Could cash in some airline miles, go for a week, just enough time to recharge.

Refresh. Invigorate.

Just forget about all our troubles, you know?

What troubles?

Not troubles, just stresses.

Life's little crosses we all have to bear.


But we agreed that we'd spend money on the house instead of carelessly dropping out on vacations.

I mean for instance, we still have to install the track lighting.

Yeah, but do we really want the track lighting?

Of course we want the track lighting.

It's part of the lighting package that we picked out.

And if we don't have that, what is the point of having this island in the kitchen without the island?

Where are we gonna put the stools that we had pre-ordered?

Without stools, where's everyone gonna congregate at the dinner party?

What dinner party?

Corey. What?

We're gonna have a lot of dinner parties.

We are?


What the hell is this?

This is an intervention.

Hi, Corey.

An intervention.

What the fuck do I need an intervention for, Smuts?

Listen man, we know you're miserable.


No, I am not miserable.

My life is great.

We've been watching.

Your life sucks.

You've been spying on me.

We're spies.

That's what we do.

Oh my god.

We wouldn't be true spies if we allowed you to waste away like this.

Yeah, so you decided to shoot me.


I had to test the new tranq gun.

Who the hell is this?

Remora aka Suckerfish.

Smuts gave me the code name.

After you left, he brought me into handle the grunt work he didn't wanna do.

Isn't that right, Smuts?

Yeah, thanks.

I mean he's my minion basically.

As much as I appreciate being dragged all the way down here and told my life sucks, you're wrong.

I love my life.

I love that I get to wake up every morning, go to work and come home.

No chance of being shot.

No chance of being blown up.

Now call me crazy, but the change is actually quite refreshing.


Corey, this is a safe place.

Why do you keep talking like that?

Corey, Smuts and I wanted to create a circle of trust so you felt comfortable.

Corey, there's somebody we'd like you to meet.

Oh, fantastic.

Fine, but then I'm leaving.

Okay, thank you.

Corey, my name is Dr. Studebaker and I have been doing some analysis on the field research I was provided.

I prepared a few images.

Frustration, anger.

Big one.


and finally, acceptance.

Bravo, Smuts.

You put a few pictures together, what's the point?

My point is the reason you can't settle into suburban life has nothing to do with the life itself.

Oh, well I can maintain an erection if that's what you're gettin' at.

I know, we have the slides.

Corey, you have unfinished business.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

You failed your last mission and rather than face your failure, what did you do?

You ran away.

I believe that failure's causing these strong emotions of frustration in your present life and until you succeed at a final mission, you won't be able to settle into a peaceful and tranquil existence.

Well, thank you very, very much for the psychobabble bullshit.

But trust me when I tell you my life is perfectly fine, okay?

And the last thing I need is to chase some lunatic half way across the globe.

You know, you wouldn't have to go far.

The mission's here.

Egan's back.


Then you won't have to go far to get him, will ya?

Egan recently got married and is mysteriously honeymooning here.

We believe he's tryin' to acquire plans for a weapon from a local sell.

We've arranged for you to come back for this one mission.

You start tomorrow.

What the hell don't you understand, Smuts?

I'm just not interested, okay?

Corey, they're only doing this because they care about you.

They want to help.

I don't need their help and I damn sure don't need this fucking intervention.


Lemme guess, the shrink was right and you're only doing this so you can settle down in your married life?

I hate you.

Welcome back.

Egan's set to arrive Friday before noon.

He'll be stayin' in a suite at the Pines Hotel and unlike your perfect marriage, we're convinced his is a cover.

So what's our strategy?

You're to mirror his every move.

You've come in town for your honeymoon and will be stayin' in adjacent suite with one of our field agents who's gonna pretend to be your wife.

Hold on, hold on.

You want me to pretend to be married to someone else?


This is the best you guys could come up with?

Wow you didn't drag me all the way down here for this did you, Smuts?

Smuts has had me prepare the research and all of our modeling confirms that pretending to be married gives us the greatest access.

Relax, Corey.

You can still clip coupons, trim hedges and come home to Pam every night.

I just need you to bond with Egan and his Mrs. and get the plans for a weapon that could wipe us all out.

We don't know what it is.

It could be a laser, it could be an atom bomb.

I don't know.

I just know that lives are at risk!

Are you willing to have blood on your hands because you're married all of a sudden?!

That's on you, brother.

All right.

Fine I'll do it, but I'm only doin' it for Pat.

Once you befriend Egan and his new bride, you should be close enough to use this.

Smuts told me to play around in a lab for a few weeks and I came up with this.

It's actually a visual lie detector.

See these buttons?

Itty-bitty cameras.

When you speak directly to Egan, it'll scan his face, send that information back to these monitors where we can determine if he's lying or not.

And we're sure this works.

Corey, you ever think about leaving Pam?

No, absolutely not.

It works.

Let's make sure to fully weaponize Corey's house for his own protection.

Oh and since you're back, we'll go ahead and pick up the tab on your domestic beers.

Smuts, I'm on-site.

The preventative security measures are ready to be installed.

You can count on me.

I'm takin' care of business, doing it by the book: tackling objectives, checking boxes.


Where the hell is Corey?

He wanted me to tell you that he has set up several off-site meetings with potential buyers and that you should be proud of him because he's thinkin' outside of the box.

All right, get back to work.

A-B-C, always be cardboarding.

Here's your key.

Agent Panzant's waiting for you inside.

I hear she's hot.

What's your point?

My point is it's your job to hook up with her.

I'm married, remember?

I'm only doin' this to get Egan, find closure.


Trust me.

Once this is over, it's gonna take my relationship to a whole other level, all right?


Whoa hey, hold up.

You're not comin' in?

Why would I do that?

I don't know, we just always worked together.


Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh!

You're afraid to be alone in a room with a hot girl.

What, are you afraid you're gonna give into the temptations on the other side of that door?

All right, all right.

Like a real therapy session where you're just takin' out your daily aggressions.

Is that how you do it? Then when it's all done, you guys just lay in like a kiddie pool of your own sweat in the middle of the bed exhausted, but feelin' good.

Secret is safe with me, dude.

Spy's honor.

You're an idiot.

I hope you don't mind.

I'm a sort of a method spy.

Method spy, huh?

You know, like a method actress.

I have to live it to be it.

Right. And to be honest, our whole relationship, our marriage,

I'm just not really feeling it.

Feeling what? Us, together as a couple.

I mean, think about it.

Would someone like me ever actually be attracted to someone like you?

Oh okay, I see.

Then how do you know someone like me would be attracted to someone like you?

'Cause you look married.


♪ Please don't give up on me ♪

♪ I know that ♪

Where are you?

Is everything okay?

Everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

I got a ton of work to do so don't wait up, okay?

This is much better.

I'm not agreeing, but I'm not disagreeing.

I totally think we should be one of those couples who just can't keep their hands off each other.

See you at nine tomorrow.

Yeah, see you at nine.

Smuts, fill me in.

Gimme the details.

What's the skinny?

I had to buy 50k in boxes from Corey, so his boss wouldn't get suspicious.

Got it.

Did you consider spacing out the deliveries to make it look more legitimate?

Just an idea.

You wanna grab a beer after this?


Corey? You're still up.

Yeah, I couldn't sleep.


What, what's goin' on?

Your hair.

Oh yeah, got it cut.

Just thought a little style couldn't hurt.

But it's kinda ridiculous.

All right, so maybe she went a little overboard.

I don't see why you have to freak out about it.

I'm not freaking out.

A little bit.

Okay, I am.

But if I suddenly came home with some weird and crazy hairdo, you'd freak out too.

You did.

You cut your hair short.

Okay wait, you're saying you don't like my hair?


When I came home with it cut, you said you loved my hair.

What was I supposed to say, Pam?

Wow honey, did you just join the Marines?

Oh okay, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize that our relationship was one based on looks alone.

You know what I'm tryin' to say.

No, I don't.

Something else you haven't told me yet?


What is going on?!

What's goin' on?

What's wrong?

Your chest.

Oh yeah, I used a little men's hair body removal cream.

What's the big deal? Oh my god.

What? Nothing, it's just

you call me to tell me that you're working late and little did I know that you were on your way to the spa, turning yourself into a metrosexual.

Everything just seems a little bit suspicious, that's all.

Nothing is going on that needs to make you suspicious, okay?

What was that?

Just somethin' else I'm gonna have to fix.

Oh god, it's not happening.

It can't be happening.

Oh, it's happening.

He's having an affair.

Well fuckin' duh, dude.

God, it'd be so much easier if his ass didn't look so good in jeans.

I mean, where the fuck did it go wrong?

Where did it go wrong?

I mean come on, look at the guy.

He sells fuckin' boxes for a living.

He's desperate.

Of course he's gonna fall for some firm ass model who lives for alcohol and orgasms.

He probably shocked he could get her.

I mean, I was shocked.

Come on, can you believe it?

But what should I do?

You know, do I steal his phone?


Hack into his email? Fuck yeah.

I can't just spy on the guy.

Oh, yes you can.


But I can't.

You can. I shouldn't.

You should.

What am I even talking about?

I'm driving myself crazy.

It's okay.

It's okay to go crazy 'cause he's a dick, okay?

And dicks make bitches crazy.

Look at me, you need to spy on him.

That way you can catch him in the motel, you can kick down the door and kick that collegiate nympho to the curb.

I'll be there and I'll be videotaping everything.

We'll put it on YouTube, we'll get a ton of views.

It'll be great.

The sound's drivin' me wild.

Are we really gonna sit here and listen to this shit all day?

Trust me, I've done a lotta sex stakeouts in my day.

Either Egan's a really good spy or homeboy's really fuckin'.

Get the camera. Excuse me.

Told you I'm method.

My character's in the mood.

All right, I am not method and my character--

Actually this is a really bad angle for you.

Can you just crane your neck to left a little bit?

What the hell are you doin'?

Huh? You better not be gentle.

C'mon, man.

This is for my Christmas party blooper reel.

Remember that footage I got of you and Graciela from two years ago?

Smuts, how many times do I have to tell you that I am fuckin' married?

Personally, I think open relationships are quite progressive.

Wow you're a real freak, aren't you?

Just shut up and point the camera, all right?

Now if you could just get a little closer, make it feel real.


Hey, baby.

No no no, we'll never use any of this wife stuff.

It's not that kind of a movie.

What am I up to?

Just bangin' lots of boxes.

There we go.

No no no no, do not do that.

Do not do that.

I will do it in 15 minutes and I'll be there.

Just bring it down a little bit please.

Okay, bye.

Listen as much fun as this is, I have to go.

Now? Now?

Yeah, now.

You're the one who told me not to let Pam get suspicious, remember?

You totally killed it.

Well Smuts can fill in.

Have a blast.

You can't leave.

We're in the middle of a mission.

So am I.

It's called savin' my marriage.

Sound like a mission impossible, right?

What, that's stainless.

Thought we talked about brushed nickel.

Oh, well we changed our mind.

But the brushed nickel goes with the vanity hangers.

Yeah, I'm changing the vanity hangers.

So then what's the purpose of me being here, Pam?

I wanted your input.

Get here.

Where's the gun?

Where is it?!

What the hell was that? What?

Nothing, gonna be fine.

Corey, you just had a guy in a headlock.

You know it's better to be safe than sorry, right?

I mean, imagine if someone we knew had seen you acting like that.

Never would've come to one of our dinner parties.

What dinner parties?

Hey, Rick.

Corey, get your ass in the office now.

Okay, I'm on my way.

I gotta get back to the office, I'll see you then?


Nice hair.

Nice clothes.

Nice ass.

You wanted to see me there, Rick?

Cardboard Corey's back.

He is.

Goin' to Pines Hotel.

Three days, two nights, all-expense paid.

Boy, the Pines.

I don't know what to say.

You think you're shocked.

I couldn't believe it when that 10,000 box order came through.


You broke the company record, broke my record.

You damn near broke the world record.

How'd you do it?

Oh you know, Rick.

I just took your advice and thought outside the box.

Mm-hmm, well you're not gettin' off that easy.

I'm not?

Starting today, I'm gonna have the rest of the guys follow us to your meetings.

You know, see how a real professional does it.

Wow Rick, you know.

I don't want the other guys to know.

You know I like to work alone.

Just me, you know?

It helps me kinda focus in.

Takes teamwork to make a dream work.

You did watch tape two, right?


Hey Corey, congrats on that hotel thing.

Yeah thanks a lot, Bob.

I thought I was gonna win this year.

But 10,000 boxes, huh?

That's somethin'.

Trust me, it's nothin'.

Yeah, but I don't need a five-star suite.

Just another place my wife wouldn't have sex with me.

Okay, yeah.

We'll see you tonight.

Tonight? Bowling, remember?

Got the tournament, Diana's Floral.


Yeah, right.

Of course, I'll see you guys there.

I told you to be here at 6:03.

It's 6:10, where the hell were you?

Oh I'm sorry, Smuts.

Before your little intervention, I had something called a life that I had to deal with.

I always just called it pitiful.

How tight are these?

Well it's funny you say that because this whole time I've been dealin' with the fact that you bought 10,000 boxes from me in one day.

What happened to the fact that I told you to space it out, you know make it look legit?

What'd you expect me to do, go in and fill out a form every day?

I'm not gonna waste my time.

I've got things to do.

Things to do.

Oh, that's great.

Well just so you know thanks to you, now I'm dealing with heat from home, heat from work.

Actually, I'm in heat.

Is that odd?

Actually, I'm in heat. Yes.


All right, let's get our head in the game.

Claudia and Egan's restaurant reservation is for seven p.m.

How come your suit fits?

Oh, thank you.

He is not even going to recognize you.

Brianna, I look like a hooker.

I'm supposed to be undercover, not auditioning for strip clubs.

Look, every year when I wanted to start my own business, I would go out and buy something smart, sophisticated.

Something that says I mean business.

So this is me.

I'm finally saying I mean business.

I love it.

You just need to hire my lip girl and you're done.

God, who am I kidding?

I can't do this.

I don't want to do this.

This is not who I am.

Pam, you listen to me, okay?

You need to reclaim yourself.

You are a sexy, wild bitch.

That would be embarrassing.

Some risks aren't worth taking.

You see 'em?

Oh you mean the sexy couple that's actually having a good time?

Vodka, meat. Club soda.

He'll have a martini.

Club soda. Straight up with a twist.

What are you doin'?

What are you doing?

You know, you should be believable as my husband.


Let's not forget I'm the one who's married here.

Oh please.

Another big night for you at home is probably watching reruns and eating leftovers, but our marriage is not stuck on opposite sides of the bed.

Oh trust me, darling.

My marriage happens all over the bed.

Thank you.


Okay, big picture.

We need to connect with Egan, so you need to connect with me.

So drink up, look at me like you wanna fuck me and check your baggage with the bellhop.

What baggage?

What do you mean, what baggage?

Remember Corey, this is your intervention.

You knew about that.

Has anyone considered they might actually just be here on their honeymoon?

No chance.

Everything they do is too connected, forced.

Trust me, that's not what married people do.


What are you doin'?


Should I stop?

Is it bad?


Is it not what married people do?

Alex, sit down.


Because you're drawing attention.

Really? Yeah.

Who's looking at me?

Are the waiters watching?

What about Egan?

Is he watching?

What about you?

Are you watching?

You're gonna blow this.

Oh, you.

Get up.

I'm sorry, I borrowed your husband, but this place was a little dead.

Are you kidding?

That was the most fun, we've had on our honeymoon.

Wait, you're on your honeymoon?

We're on our honeymoon.

Shut up. Yeah.

Shut up. Oh, I love you.

Hopefully we'll see you guys some more.

Well we're gonna be hanging by the pool tomorrow.

Just drop on by.

Yeah? Yeah.

I hope you don't mind if we turn in.

I just got super tired.


Okay, so now we have a pool date with them tomorrow.

I guess you convinced them you wanna fuck me.

Shit, I gotta go.

Go where?!

Bowling tournament. Pfft.

You guys shoulda seen this Home & Garden Show.

Took up the entire Civic Center.

I mean they had pools, tubs, lawn care, everything.

I even won a raffle.

What'd you win?

Leaf blower, a good one too.

Nice. No shit.

You're excited about a leaf blower, Bob?

And you'll be too.

Come fall all those trees in your yard, you're gonna be beggin' me to borrow it.

No, I just mean there's gotta be more to get excited about, right?

Leaf blowers and goddamn home shows, is that it?

It's an acquired appreciation.

Look, all I'm sayin' is you guys even notice that all we ever talk about is the yard or adding a deck or buying a new grill?

There's got to be more to life than the fuckin' hardware store, am I right?

No, not really.

The only thing that excited me last year was when I put a kegerator in my garage.

That was awesome.

So you're tellin' me that this is all there is to life?

What we're livin' right here, right now, this is it?

Yeah, how hard is it?

You get married.

You watch each other go to complete hell.

Have a kid maybe two, stop having sex.

Save for retirement, get the golden handshake.

Play golf on the weekends.

Take a dick pill, realize that was a mistake.

Pick out where you want your ashes scattered, leave everything to the kids and hopefully you know, a lotta people show up at your funeral.

I'll come to your funeral, Fred.

Thanks, Ted.

Corey, it's not like there's some grand adventure out there waiting for us.

We're just livin' life like everyone else.

And you guys are okay with that?


Aren't you?

Yeah, 'course I am.

You're home late.

I had bowling.


Then why were there two messages from the guys wondering where you were?

Well I showed up late 'cause I had to work late.

Big day at the office.

Another one?

Actually, I won the all-expense paid resorts vcation.

Well then let's go.

Wait, you wanna go?

Yes, let's go this weekend.

No, I can't.

You can't what?

You were the one that wanted to take a spur-of-the-moment trip, why not do it?

Because I can't, Pam.

You know, all right?

I mean plus, I thought we were gonna do stuff around the house. Like what?

Track lighting.

Are you mocking me?

Are you mocking me?

Are you drunk?

I'm not drunk, Pam.

I had a few martinis and a couple of beers.

What's gotten into you? What's gotten into you?

I just wanna do something different.

And I just wanna lay on the couch.



What was that for?

The couch.


Blissfully committed to their simple routine, the cave people never felt the need to seek excitement from the outside world.

Unfortunately for us, well that outside world was quickly unraveling any sense of routine.



Operation: Catch Corey is back on.

Rick says we're all goin' on a sales call together.

Yeah, lemme just confirm everything and we'll get on outta here.


Oh, that little sneak.

My god, do you ever wear clothes?

Excuse me, what you're seeing here is top-of-the-line tactical gear.

This spy-kini she's wearing is completely bulletproof, fireproof and waterproof.

My character sees your character wearing this.

Oh I assumed you're small.

You're tellin' me these can stop a bullet.


Don't get shot.

They're waiting down by the pool.

Yeah, I'm not wearing these.

You're gonna have to.

They've already stitched the cameras in.


Here, just put it on.

All right, I'll put 'em on.

But I'm not doin' it for you guys, I'm gonna do it for the mission, for Pam.

Oh hey, how are you guys?

I've got a visual.

I just feel so stupid.

I mean, here I am following my own husband into a fucking honeymoon suite.

Oh my god, he's a frickin' polygamist.

I knew it.

Everybody watches a couple episodes of "Big Love" and then they think they can do whatever they want.

Sorry honey, we're closed.

Oh my god, there they are.

Oh it would just be so much easier if she's a mess, but she's-- Pam.

I do not even wanna hear what she looks like because there is no way in hell that she's prettier than you.

All right, tell me what she looks like.

Like some femme fatale Bond villain that just graduated from Harvard with a degree in you know fucking up my life.


You have to take the reins here.

You're his wife, okay?

You cannot let this other woman win.

Hey when you got it, you flaunt it right?

When we first decided to honeymoon here, so many people were like, "Well that's different, "but it's just so beautiful here."

I know, I had never been to upstate New York before.

But the moment he proposed, he insisted he had to honeymoon here.

I'm at a total loss.

This is not the man that I married.

You need to go confront him.

I can't. You can.

What do you want me to do?

You want me to drive up there?

I'll drive up there and I will cut Corey's dick off.

I will Lorena Bobbitt that motherfucker.

I will take his dick and I will throw it in the forest and a little squirrel will pick it up and run away and put it in its nest and he'll never have it again.

He'll be dickless.


I can cut his nuts off if that's better.

If the dick's too much, you know I can always take the balls.

My grandma used to do it with the hens all the time.

Look, no one's nuts are being cut off.

Well, then you need to go confront him.

So, why did you decide to honeymoon in Glens Falls?

We've been jet-setting around the world for the last two years straight for business, so we wanted something quaint and charming, a bit out of the way, off-the-grid.

How 'bout you guys?

What made you select a place off-the-grid?


Off-the-grid's the desired honeymoon destination, am I right?

You know service is kinda slow here.

I think I'm gonna go order from the bar.

Do you guys want anything?

Why don't we split a decent bottle of champagne?

Great idea.

Little birdie's on the move.

That's my birdie.

You have something I need.


What happened?

Can you help me?

Almost got it. All right, all right.

That's fine.

Cheers. Cheers.

Honey, you're sweating.

Why don't you take a dip and cool off?

And you should reapply the sunscreen, sweetheart.

You're startin' to burn.


All right, Corey, play it off.

Don't let Egan suspect anything.

Mmm, feels so good.

Do you wanna grab a beer or something after this?

How many times do I have to tell you?

I don't wanna hang.

I don't wanna grab a beer.

We're not gonna watch the game together.

Okay, I just see how cool you and Corey are and I was hoping that someday you and I might have that, be more than just two guys saving the world.

Suckerfish, Corey and I, we've been buddies since we were teens.

We were recruited together and we trained together.

We've spoiled some pretty crazy plots around the globe.

I mean,

you know I'm the only one that knows Corey's real name?


You and I, we just don't have that history.

Yeah you and I don't have that history yet, but someday we might.

I just don't really see that happening.

Oh shit, look who's here.

Aw, shit.

Aw, shit.

This is bad.

This is really bad.

Hey, what's up? Oh nothing.

What's up with you?

Is there a reason you called me three times, Pam?

I just stepped out of a meeting.

Oh, what kind of a meeting?

A business meeting.

Oh yeah, what were you talking about?

Why are you acting like this?

Acting like what?

I'm just tryin' to ask you about your day, see if you're doin' all right.

Curious what you're up to.

That's why you called? Mm-hmm.

Oh no, actually.

I need you to drop by the store.

What? Yeah, it's on your way home.

Okay fine, just text it to me.

Why can't you write it down?


Just tell me and I'll remember, okay?

Okay some cinnamon, cardamom, semi-sweetened dark chocolate, pine nuts, mocha extract, light syrup, cocoa powder, pastry shells and some Popsicle sticks.

Okay, got it.

Okay, now repeat it back to me.


Just repeat it, so I know you know.

I know what it is, Pam.

Then repeat it.

Popsicle sticks, cinnamon.

Some cinnamon, cardamom, semi-sweetened dark chocolate, pine nuts, mocha extract, cocoa powder, pastry shells and Popsicle sticks.


Did you write it down?

Pam, I told you I'll remember.

Oh really?

Oh I'm so sorry.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Here I am rambling on and on while you're trying to work.

That's it, you're hard at work by the pool, having some tramp rubbing sun lotion in your back.

Pam? What?

What's the matter?

You've too many wives to remember?

No Pam, just wait.

What's with the hat?


Swear to god, we need to put an restraining order on her.

Yeah, she can be a little crazy.

Maybe I should just check.

That's his ex-fiancee.

She's a tad bit delusional.

Shit, yeah?

I hate making these calls. What calls?

The ones where I let people go.

What're you talkin' about, Rick?

I'm your best salesman, righT?

I mean I won the free trip.

My sales are through the roof.


I want team players, not prima donnas.

Guys see what you're doin' and start coppin' attitudes, doin' things their way.

Next thing you know, the whole company goes to shit because you wanna play the game your way.

I mean I think I'm settin' an example here, Rick.

You know, raising the bar a little bit.

What bar, what example, huh?

You just left.

I don't even know where the hell you are right now.

I went on assignment. Bullshit.

That's what I used to say to my wife when I was fuckin' her sister.

That's it, Corey.

You're fired.


Pam, you gotta let me explain.

I would love to hear your explanation or you could just go with I'm screwing somebody else.

I'm not having an affair.

I know, I know.

You married her.

You're on your honeymoon, congratufuckinlations.

Pam, just listen to me.

Calm down and let me explain myself.

Who the fuck is that?

The dinner party.

Dinner party?

What fucking dinner party, Pam?

I mean my god, you keep goin' on and on about these dinner parties that don't exist!

We bought dishes.

We bought a bar.

I installed a water feature all for these dinner parties that never seem to happen.

I am not canceling my dinner party just because you had some sordid affair.

I wasn't cheating.

All right look, I'm gonna tell 'em that we made a mistake and we'll do this another night.


No no, no you won't.

You are not ruining my dinner party just because our marriage is over.

Hey, everybody.

Is this one of them swingers parties?

'Cause we didn't bring any rubbers.

We just thought that it would be fine for tonight.

Just would be fun to get dressed up because--

Yeah, well we wanted tonight to be a--

It's a theme party. Yeah.

What kinda theme?

A spy theme dinner, Bob. Yes, exactly.

You see 007 just got outta the pool.

And Agent 99 here was just about to make some drinks.

I've got martinis, shaken, not stirred.

Who wants to be Money Penny?

All right, shall we?


You know Pam, we woulda perfectly understood if you needed to cancel.

Why would I have to cancel?

Well if I got fired, the only party we'd be havin' that night is my funeral.

You know what?

I think he did say something about that.

You weren't supposed to say anything, Ted.

Here are my Parmesan portobello slices with sun-dried tomato.

Pam, these are so good.

Do you have a secret ingredient?

Oh I'm sorry, Bob.

My secret is what you see is what you get.

No little white lies, no half-truths, no funny little fibs.

Bob, will you excuse us a second?


No, they're fine.

They already know that you lost your job.

I just found out from Fred.

Oh, I'm Ted.

Pam, you have to let me explain.

Trust me, this way it'll be so much easier to split up the assets.

Corey, now that we're not competin' over the trip, you wanna tell me how you sold so many damn boxes?

What the fuck is this?

Brianna, are you okay?

Am I okay?

Am I okay?

I just spent an hour in the car convincing myself you didn't leap to your death and here you are having a--

A dinner party.

A dinner party. Yeah.

Well why wasn't I invited?

It's sort of a couples-only.

Oh, couples-only.

Why are you still wearing that costume?

'Cause it's a spy theme dinner party.

Oh, a spy theme dinner party.

Ooh, so fancy.

You know what, Pam?

I just can't believe after hours of me listening to your marital woes, this is how I'm treated.

But if the name's not taken, I'm Pussy Galore.

The hell are you doin' here?

We have to get you-- Hi, I'm Pam.

I didn't get to introduce myself earlier because you're whoring yourself around with my husband.

But I just want to let you know that tomorrow we are getting a divorce.

But tonight I'm having my dinner party, okay?

I came by to say that I'm sorry.

Sorry you got caught or sorry that you're a whore that lacks style?

Sorry because this isn't what it looked like.


Don't insult my intelligence.

No, I'm serious.

Alexandria here is an actress.

A method actress actually.

Superbly talented.

Okay I saw, remember.


You see, sweetheart.

I found out that a huge potential client and his wife were gonna be honeymooning over at that hotel.

So I thought why not hire an actress to play my wife, go to the hotel, bond with guy and make the big sale.

Yeah I mean, it was completely legitimate.

I've been in the business since I was a kid.

Lots of musical theater.

Yeah, whatever.

Look, why don't you help yourself to a doggie bag and then you can choke on it?

Oh, I'm staying here 'cause Corey hired me to be here for the dinner party.

That's right, I did.

To do what?

To teach dance.

Cue the music.

Dance with me.

You lucky son of a bitch.

Spin me.

Egan's on his way.

You could not have hired her tonight.

You didn't even remember that we were having a dinner party.

You have to get these people out of here.

Go ahead and ask your wife to dance.

You have to get these people out of here.


If people are dancing, we're dancing.

♪ You can try to stop me ♪

♪ You can ♪

♪ You can try to stop me ♪

♪ And I'm goin' 'til the wheels fall off ♪ I need you to come clean.

Just be honest with me.

I mean, if I have ever meant anything to you in any level at any point, I deserve to know what's going on.

You're right.

Nobody moves.

Where is it?

Don't know.

I want my pen back.

All right all right, take it easy.

But leave them outta this, they're innocent.

No no, yeah you're right.

We should just keep this between us, but I like a little bit of insurance.


I want my pen back with the plans on it delivered in an hour and why don't you gas up the jet?

A jet? Mm-hmm.

And if I can't get it here by then?

Then your wife will die.

She's not his wife.

This is his wife.

Yeah, could someone just please explain to me what the hell is going on?

Honey, I'm a spy.

Okay, enough of that charade already.

No, I am.

I'm serious.

We work for the government as part of an elite taskforce trained to stop high-tech futuristic weapons from falling in the hands of fuckfaces like this guy.

Okay, well this definitely falls under reconcilable differences.


Smuts, I need you to bring me the pen right away.


You guys weren't actually married?


But your ring seemed so real.

It was cubic zirconia.

Shut up. Mm-hmm.

Shut up. Yeah.

So is mine.

Wait, but you guys seem so happy together.

No, you guys seemed so happy together.

Thank you. Okay.

Nobody's actually happy here, okay?

Let's review: you and I aren't married.

These two aren't married.

The only people here that are really married are them.

Oh, no.

No, actually we're getting a divorce.

Oh fuck, my lasagna.

Whoa, excuse me?

My lasagna, it's burning.

I need to get it.

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Do you want this house to burn down?

I don't care.

To him sweetheart, I don't think your lasagna's the key issue here.

It's actually not my lasagna, it's Stouffer's.

You want me to serve Stouffer's at our dinner party?

Well I was gonna make it from scratch, but you in the midst were playing spy meets adulterer meets probably the worst husband in the world.

Honey, I think you're overreacting just a little bit here, all right?

I'm gonna take care of this.



Do you know how humiliating this is?

You know how heartbreaking it is to have your marriage be over within...


Oh, in a year?


I'm now a statistic.

I'm one of those, one of those people where you probably had some I don't know Navy SEAL mental training shit where you know how to handle all these sorts of situations to probably diffuse a bomb under pressure.

The hell is she doin'?

I'm leaving.

I'm packing my things.

You can shoot me if you want, but otherwise I'm moving out.

Can you stop her?

Can you stop her?

Yeah, I could shoot her.

Let's go.

I knew we should've gone to Nepal.

If not Nepal, Paris.

If not Pairs, London.

I mean just done something, anything to escape the confines of this ridiculous place.

Pam, sweetheart.

Let's just get through this and we can reset, okay?

We'll call it a second honeymoon.

We can go to all those places, I promise.

Okay, so now you don't mind about skipping our weekend projects?

You know putting off the track lighting, not even fixing the ceiling that constantly crumbles.

How many times do I have to tell you, Pam that I will get to it when I fucking get to it.

Press the red button under the bed.

Holy shit.

Okay, what is that?

That's a high-tech electrical charge particle solidifier.

In short, force field.

So you just had this stuff here the whole time?

Yeah, pretty much.


You never thought about pulling out one of these gizmos when we were getting intimate?

You would've wanted that?

Yeah, I would've tried that.

Well, we can.

Corey, I'm not having anymore dinner parties.

Anyone for charades?

Who wants a nightcap?

60 off 10th Avenue.

Come on.

I just have one question.


Is your real name Corey?

I wish it was.


Where are ya headed? Does it matter?

Whoa, hey.

Were you serious?

Brianna, wasn't it your idea for me to get out of here and see the world?

I mean it was and then we tried it and it was really exhausting, you know?

It's like kinky sex.

You think you want it 'til you actually have it and end up with a penis in your ear.

That's disgusting.

Do you even have a plan?


What's your plan?

To climb Mount Everest.

To climb Mount Everest, really?

What, are you working for "National Geographic" now?

Undercover: Discover who you really are.

What about Cairo?


Cozumel? Cozumel's cool.

Dude, what's wrong?

Nothin's wrong, man.


Oh, what about Rio?

I like Rio, you know that.

I love Rio.


You're not excited about Rio.

Okay, you must've forgotten about that night in the rainforest.

I didn't forget about the night in the rainforest, Smuts.

Why can't we keep it simple, you know?

Like in the movie.


Okay, okay.

Three feet, three feet, three feet.

Okay, that's it.

The sun's sizzling your brain.

We've climbed too close.

C'mon, we need some UV.

Here, use this.

It really works.

Yeah, I know.

I got the whole line.

Even their eye moisturizer's incredible, isn't it?

Soothing, too.

You really miss her, don't ya?

I do not.

From my perspective, you never stopped loving her.

No matter what your cover was, you can't disguise what's in your heart.


Yeah, maybe.

You know, I really didn't hear what you said.

But that sounded really fucking beautiful, Suckerfish.

Thanks, man.

Hey, you wanna get a beer with me later on?

I'd like that.

Just kidding.

I'm not for the sweet stuff, let's move.

Hold up, we got a problem.

Excuse me, sir.


Very good Jimbo.

Debit or credit?

"Pam, I hope you enjoy the basket.

"I think it would've been perfect

"for the second dinner party we never got to have."

Dinner party.

What dinner party?

What the hell is this?

Corey, this is an intervention.

Oh god, not again.

For what?

Because you're miserable.

I'm not miserable.

Oh, no no no no.


Yeah, we started dating after the dinner party.

You've been dating Brianna this whole time and you didn't tell me?

Look, what was I supposed to say?

I mean I'm in covert ops with your ex-wife's best friend?

I love it when he talks like that.

You guys?

I figured you hated me.

I was a total pain in the ass and completely self-centered.

I don't care what you were.

After I canned your ass, these guys wouldn't shut up about your spy tactics.

When I finally let them try it, they broke all your sales records.

Yup, made him go method.

We also got a bowling coach and kicked the shit outta Diana's Floral.

Bob's been wearin' his wrist guard.

All right, well this is all well and good, guys.

But somebody please tell me why the hell you went through all this trouble and what for?

Because I had to test the new tranq gun.


It's actually my tranq gun. Dude.

So, you're the reason for this intervention?

Well, if you're not too busy tryin' to save the world, I thought we should give us another shot, a different shot.

You know if you hadn't been a spy, I would've never woken up and realized who I really am.

What about just being still looking in the mirror?

Where's the adventure in that, my dear?

So, does this mean we get to take a second honeymoon?

Anywhere you want.

What do you think about Kathmandu?

Oh you know what they say, "What happens in Kathmandu, "stays in Kathmandu." "Stays in Kathmandu."

Okay, so maybe the whole intervention thing was a little extreme.

But if we embrace our primal caveman instincts instead of hiding from them in suburbia, we'll realize that every day can be an adventure.

♪ But I'm goin' 'til the wheels fall off ♪

♪ You can try to stop me ♪

♪ You can try to stop me ♪

♪ But I'm goin' 'til the wheels fall off ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ You you you ♪

♪ You can try to stop me ♪

♪ You can try to stop me ♪

♪ But I'm goin' 'til the wheels fall off ♪

♪ Don't call me your baby ♪

♪ Mistake me for a lady ♪

♪ Don't you ♪

♪ Don't you know that I'm crazy ♪

♪ Don't you know that I'm ♪

♪ Don't say that you want me ♪

♪ Don't say that you ♪

♪ You need me ♪

♪ Don't you dare believe me ♪

♪ Don't you know that I'm ♪

♪ But I'm goin' 'til the wheels fall off ♪