Star Leaf (2015) Script

(fanfare music)


(suspenseful music)

[James] I got nothing.

Just rocks.

Some sand and more fucking rocks.

Thank you, Sergeant Hunter, AKA Captain Obvious, for the most impressive Sit-Rep.

I'd completely failed to notice the extensive rock population, myself.

[James] An outcropping to the right.

You see what I'm seeing?

[Tim] Holy shit.

Up 200 meters.

Well, well, well, the boy came out to play after all.


Are we compromised?



The fuck are they doing down there?



[James] Ease up. Keep eyes on.

(child crying)

[Tim] He's on the move.

Can you get a head shot from here?

We need to take this fucker out and avoid hitting the kid.

I don't have a clear shot.

[Tim] He's got a kid with a bomb, that could sneak into any market place, from here to Kandahar.

Take the shot.

You wanted the pink mist, it's yours.

Take the shot.

Control your breathing.

Take the shot.

(suspenseful music)


(mysterious music)

(gunfire) (chattering)

(upbeat music)

[James] We there yet?

This doesn't look like the ocean.

There's too many trees.

[Tim] Just hang on, we're making good time.

[Martha] Is this really you guys?

[Tim] Yep, semper fi.

Yeah, okay, seriously though.

Do you understand how many likes you could get on footage like this?

[Tim] Hear that, James?

My girl thinks we're heroes.

[Martha] Baghdraneva...

I love the way it rolls off the tongue.

[James] Just please don't call him that.

Those beads don't make him Hindu.

They just make him more likely to make out with men at raves.

[Tim] Hey, hey, keep your panties on, both of you.

[Martha] Who's wearing panties?

I am.


(upbeat music)

[Tim] Lost in your phone again.

I'm just checking some work emails.

Babe, you work at a drive-through espresso stand in your bikini all day.

How many important work emails do you get?

[Martha] I'm the manager, Baby. Tons.

[Tim] Come on, baby, seriously.

Put the phone away.

[Martha] I'm just checking some things.

[Tim] Oh, babe, come on.

Not the Twilight tours again.

Tim thinks that I look just like the chick from the movie.

I'm not doing a Twilight tour.

You know, actually, did anybody ever tell you that you look kind of like that Jacob...

Oh, yes, I was just thinking that, yes!


[Tim] The native werewolf guy.

It's because of the jaw line.

[Tim] The jaw, the nose too though.

[James] Enough.

I go away for a couple tours and I come back, and not only did he change his name to Moon Nectar of the fucking gods, or whatever the shit he calls himself.

Now you got him watching tween flicks as well?

What happened to you, man?

[Tim] It's called an awakening, Jimbo.

The whole planet's waking up.

[James] Yeah? Waking up to what?

A fucking dick in their mouth?

Courtesy of the power-elite?

Jesus fucking Christ!

Man, the shit you say is just wrong.

However, there is one stop that we do need to make.

[James] Another pit stop?

Dude, this is horse's shit, man.

It's gonna be too damned late to even surf, by the time we get to La Push.

[Martha] Whatever. Can we get some Cheetos?

[Tim] You used to be fat. You remember that right?

You guys are faggots. Shut the fuck up.

(upbeat music)

So, this is where your meth guy lives?

No, brother, it's not meth we're here for.

Believe it or not, in that white-trash Mecca, is the key to the sweet-leaf holy grail.

God, you're so random.

Yeah, and speaking of random, you know that I get surprise UA's pretty much all the time.

No way I'm smoking up with you fucking assholes.

[Tim] Dude, this ganja is some next level shit.

It's not worth the risk, okay?

You're out of the Corps now, it's different for you.

Those pills you're taking, are not the answer.

Cannabis has medicinal properties, alright?

It's not just some recreational time-waster.

Science has my back on this.

Yeah, science, bitch.

Look, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

You go in there, you get a map that leads you to a secret grove in the mountains.

It'll be a badass mission, just like before!

I'm not going in.

Dude, this ganja is out of this world.

It is not of this earth! Comprende?

Dude, hand me the box, let's go.

Thank you.

Oh, my god.


(calypso music)

Sweet-leaf holy grail, huh?

Yeah, told you, come on.

(ominous music)



Yeah, this is the right place.


I'm looking for Seth Guardrail Slaughter, is he in?

Seth Guardrail Slaughter? He's a biker.

(tranquil music)

Dude, what the fuck.

Young man, want a little advice?

No, man, fuck you.



What's happening.

You must be here about the star leaf.

Well, come on up.

Always happy to have some close encounters.

Glad you could make it.


Meet my girls.

Aren't they beauties?

Speaking of beauty, what in the world do they put in the water, where you're from?


What's up man.

Alright, hey, have a seat here.

These pillows ain't just for show.

Take a load off.

My queen.

Well, what can I do for you?

Well, we came here for the star leaf map.

[Seth] Of course you did.

[Tim] Oh, right, right, of course.

My bad.

Total human optimization, gotta love that.

And that's the point, really, isn't it?

Coming back, time and time again, this reality, that reality, perfecting ourselves, slowly over the course of infinity.

It's like, somewhere out there, is a giant disco-ball, casting countless reflections.

And each one of us, is a tiny piece of that infinite light.


Dude, shut up.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, the brain isn't what it used to be, since the fall.

That's why I need these babies.

You fell and hurt your head?

Well, cosmologically speaking, yes.

But not all those that fall, are fallen.

What? Did I forget something?

The gummy snacks.

Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.

I forgot the gummy snacks.

See, this is what happens when you don't write shit down.

The Queen loves the gummy snacks.

That's your favorite. Right, Darling?

You like that watermelon flavor, don't you?

We'll get it next time.

Does that mean that we...

[Seth] No worries. No worries.

Now, I assume whoever told you about the star leaf, clued you into the code of conduct?

[Tim] Yes...

No photos. No video. No GPS.

You can't take any seeds or clippings from the site, although you can smoke as much as you want, while you're there.

And you gotta destroy the map.

Yeah, and you cannot leave a trace.

[Tim] Right, right.

[Seth] Capisce? Affirmative.

[James] I've seen that before.

(mysterious music)

You can read that?

[James] No, but I saw it when I was high up in the Kush.

I didn't take you for an O.G. Kush fan.

[James] I'm talking about the Hindu Kush.

The mountain range where we were fighting for our country.

Not sitting on a fucking puff-pad, getting stoned all fucking day.

[Tim] Okay, okay, you're gonna have to excuse my friend.

He's still decompressing from his last tour, and he'll need some time.

It took me a while too.

(whispering) Come on, man.

Why is it on your wall?

The real question is, why is it still in your head?

He got you.

Fuck you guys.

(mystical music)

All right, who's ready to get weird?

The actual star leaf...

[Seth] Now hold up, Moon-dog.

This is isn't the actual star leaf.

It's just a distant cousin.

Put it in your mouth, baby.

And suck it.


You mean to tell me that this star leaf, is actually from outer space?

We are outer space.

[Tim] Macrocosms, microcosms...

Yeah, that. What he said.

The actual star leaf map.

[Queen] The map's free.

The journey isn't.


Well, I hope you all have a blast.

Right out of this world.


[Tim] Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you both for your hospitality.


[Seth] From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli.

We fight our country's battles In the air, on land, and sea.

First to fight for right and freedom And to keep our honor clean.

We are proud to claim the title of United States Marines.

(ominous music)

[Martha] Whoa! It is sexy as fuck out here.

Yeah. It beats dirty-ass hippy drug dens.


How far away is La Push from here?

Dude, the beach ain't going anywhere.

We've got an adventure in these woods here, first.

I mean, are you sure we're even in the right place?

Yeah, dude.

Look at the marking right there.

There's tons of them, all down this road.

Dude, check your bag.

Make sure you've got all your stuff there.

It's a long walk, we might have to setup camp.

Quick pit stop, my ass, nectar boy.

Wait a second.

Wait, you said we're camping here?

I thought we were camping on the beach.

Babe, we can do all that Twilight tour stuff later.

Come on, this is really important for me.

No, no, no, no way, now way.

Bella's Sunset tour is on, bitch. You promised.

He promised.

[Tim] Hey, you know Edward is like 400 years old, and still tries to fuck high school kids.


We're just gonna hump all this gear along, in case we camp tonight?


Dude, why don't you just admit it to yourself that your whole entire plan for being up here is to smoke yourself into oblivion.

What are you talking about? (laughing)

Just drop the fucking act already, man.

No, no, no, I mean, we're going to find star leaf.

And if we find some, I just think it'd be prudent of us to smoke a little.

Dude said no photos.

Why do you care?

[Tim] Come on, babe.

Your online fan-base has enough pouty-face selfies for one day.

Put it away, come on.

What about his stupid camera?

This thing's off, okay?

I just didn't wanna leave it in the car.

I didn't feel like it was safe.

Yeah, well, I actually don't safe leaving my iPhone in the car, so...

Babe, Martha, sweetie, come on.

Don't give me that shit. I just need you, to play by the rules, this one time.

Promise me you'll turn it off and keep it off.

Why? You know?

I mean what's the big deal?

The big deal is that the phone's GPS data will give away the location of the weed.


I can't believe they trust us at all, out here.

I wouldn't.

[Tim] Come on, let's giddy-up!

Man sure likes his weed.

He likes a lot of things.

And he isn't afraid to go after them, either.

(upbeat music)

(insects chirping)

[Martha] Hey, here, swing back on me.

[Tim] Hey, time for chow.

[Martha] Yes, please, I'm so hungry.

Put something in my mouth.


[Tim] Girl, you crazy.

(Martha laughing)

[Tim] Take a piece.

Oh, fuck. It tastes like shit.

What's in it? Shit?

[Tim] It's my new edible recipe.

Ganesha's groovy granola.

I mean, it could use some more agave.

But it's pretty good for homemade.

Edible, as in weed edible?

[Tim] Yeah.

[James] (spitting) What the fuck is your problem, man?

Two problems. Hungry and sober.

Eat some granola, bam!

Two birds, one stoner.

[Martha] What? Oh, whoa my dude's crafty.

Give it up [Tim] Yep.

[Martha] You got it, baby.

(mysterious music)

What the F?

[Tim] Whoa.

Those branches look like alien fingers.

Just some random branch configuration.

Nothing to bust a nut on.

[Martha] Yeah? Then why is it pointing in the exact direction of the star leaf?

Just a random coincidence.

James doesn't believe in aliens.

Where's the proof?



[Tim] Come on, man.

Don't tell me you never even entertained the idea.

Some people say they are the jinn of Islam.

Wait, what are the jinn?



(upbeat music)



I have never seen trees like this before.

(birds chirping)

[James] Is this on the map?

I mean, I think so.

I think it's these outlines, right here.

I had no idea what those meant until right now.

That's weird.

[Tim] The grove should just be up this way.

Wait, what's with all these bulges?

Tree tumors, maybe?

You never complained about bulging wood before.

Honey, if your wood was bulging like this, I'd take you to a doctor.

[Tim] Dude, what if these are all filled with the sweetest fucking resin you ever had?

We should tap these babies and get some sweet-ass, star leaf syrup.

[Martha] Woo!

Sip, sippin' on some sizzurp.

Help me up.

Sippin' on some sizzurp. Sippin' on some sizzurp.

These branches look sharp enough to kill.

Yeah, I guess mother nature don't take no prisoners, huh?

I mean, either that or she wanted to keep this place a secret for a reason.

Ugh! Ugh!

[Tim] Babe, that's not actually star leaf syrup.

[Martha] Well, it's still gross.

(dramatic music)

[Tim] James! [Martha] James!

[Tim] James!


Oh, my god!

Welcome to the garden of Weeden, motherfucker!

Ta da! We found it! I told you!

I think I've seen bigger plants than this in Afghanistan.

Dude, you see all these other plants?

Fuck them. It's about this one, right here.

This is the queen bee, the mother of all marijuana plants on planet Earth.

They say she was seeded from outer space, and sent to us by some extraterrestrial intelligence, to help us find our way back.

Wow, man. Back from what?

Well, fuck if I know! I just came to smoke this shit!

Oh, my god!

Whoa, brother. Jesus, chill out, man.


You're being an asshole to that plant right now.

You know what? You're right.

Chill. [Tim] Alright.

You're right. I'm being kind of an asshole to this plant.

I need to step aside for a minute, center myself, come back, snip some buds, and proceed to get fucking baked.

(whispering) Awesome.

[Martha] You don't think he's addicted, do you?


No, he's always been like that.

First guy in high school to tap a keg, unsnap a bra...


Dude's a legend.

Well, speaking of legends, I've heard a lot about you, James.

[James] Yeah?

Yeah, I wasn't sure if we'd hit it off at first.

But you know, so far so good.

(laughs awkwardly) Look, Tim's my bro.

[Martha] Yeah.

I just wanted to thank you for your services.



(ominous music)



[Tim] Alright, this is ready.

Who's ready to blast off?

[Martha] Oh, me, me, me.

[Tim] Oh, you know, before we commence this ceremony, we should say like a little prayer, you know?

Kind of get into it.

[Martha] Out loud, or what?

[Tim] Whatever you feel comfortable with.

(Tim chanting)

Roll, roll, roll the joint.

Twist it at the ends.

Take a puff and that's enough, now pass it to your friends.

Man, what kind of eastern bullshit you been studying?

Well, have you ever heard of Tantra?


Cause he has, and it's divine.

It's an ancient Vedic sexual ecstasy practice.

No big deal.

No big deal?

I'd say marathon love-making sessions, ending in multiple female ejaculation, (choking) is kind of a big deal.

Jesus, fuck, calm down.

[Tim] That's it.

[James] I can't.

[Tim] Dude, this leaves no trace in your system.

[James] Okay.



[Martha] Oh, my god.


[James] Guys, I can't move.

I can't move, guys.

Did I ever tell you that I used to be Jim Morrison in a past life?

I'm so hot.

I make fire jealous.


[Tim] Baby, look at me.

I haven't danced like this since 69.

You look like you're having a fucking seizure.

You're not Jim Morrison.

Tim, you're gonna fall in the fire.

[Tim] What'd you say?

You want me to light your fire?


Do you think I'm pretty?



(speaking gibberish)

That is the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Tim's too busy jerking off, to Asian fairy porn, to notice me anymore.

Do you like Asian fairy porn?


Of course you do.

All men do.


Tim, you're gonna fall in the fire.


What in the fuck just happened?

Threw some sticks on the fire, homie.

You feeling it?

[James] What?

Here, hit this.

[James] No, fuck no.

[Tim] All right, suit yourself.

Did you guys kill anyone when you were in Afghanistan?

[Tim] Why you gotta go bringing everyone down like that?

You're on a crazy train right now, and it's time to get off.

I'm sorry.

[Tim] I know you're high right now, but you need to stop.

I'm sorry, war makes me laugh.

Maybe this is enough for one night.

Did you see that?

[Tim] The shooting star?

[James] Yeah.


[Tim] Whoa! What the hell?


Oh, dude!

They don't call this star leaf for nothing.

Full-on visuals!

Wait, where do stars come from, anyway?

Same place we do.

Everything's star dust, baby.


(man yelling) (suspenseful music)

Fuck. Do you hear that?

This weed is getting trippy.

Maybe we should all just get up, and like walk around.

[James] No, dude. I fucking heard something out there.

[Tim] Really?


Shit, there's movement out there!

Dude, sit down.

It's just voices in your head, alright?

I'm fucking telling you, man.

I heard somebody talking out there, in Pashto.

What the hell is Pashto?

[James] It's an Afghan dialect.

It's just voices in your head, alright?

They get louder when there's no city noise to drown them out.

He's right.

(dramatic music)

[James] What the hell?

City noise does tend to drown out a lot.

Doesn't it?

Unfortunately, city people, such as yourselves, make so much noise, you can hear them miles away, in the dead of night.

Talking about the secrets of the universe, and all kinds of interesting stuff, people like to talk about when they're high.


Oh, look at that.


It is legal now.

No prescription necessary.

I'm sorry, old habits die hard.

[Tim] Officer?

[Ranger] Forrest ranger.

I'm just out making my rounds.

Walking the trails with the snakes and the snails.

Checking the pines for those evergreen crimes.


We found some evergreen, alright.


[Ranger] That you did, honey.

That you did.

Here you go.

Thank you. [Ranger] Yeah.

You folks mind if I take a knee?

[Tim] Please.

Have a seat, son.

Fire's getting cold.

Well, look at that.

Marshmallows and everything.

Wow, you kids sure know how to enjoy the great outdoors.

I'll give you that.

[James] So, is this place something that you and the other forest rangers know about?

[Ranger] We've been coming here a long time, son.

Oh, you mean like the indigenous first peoples?

I'm talking about everyone.

From everywhere.

(mysterious music)

Do you see a lot of wildlife?

I saw a moose fucking a bear once.


[Martha] Wait, you saw what?

Moose, fucking a bear.


[James] No, man.

What, are you telling me you've never seen something strange before?

(suspenseful music)

Something only you, and no one else could see?


You folks wanna get high?

Yeah. [Tim] Yeah.

Well, you can certainly get high, right?

(inhaling deeply)


It's not how high you go that matters.

It's where you go.

Ah, I like the way you think, officer.

[Ranger] Ranger. Ranger...

[Ranger] Ranger.


[Ranger] Ranger Dave.

All right, well...

You folks have a good night.

And enjoy the great outdoors.

(laughing) What the fuck was that?

Did that really just happen?

[Tim] I have no idea what the dude was talking about.

[Martha] Do you think he was lying about a moose fucking a bear?

I don't know, with the weed we've been smoking, I'd kinda believe him. (laughing)

[Martha] Oh, man.

Man, I don't even think he was real, though.

Yeah, man, he was real.

[Martha] Okay, I'm going to bed.

[Tim] You know what? I'm gonna follow you.

I don't want any close encounters of the moose-rape kind.

[Martha] Ooh, I actually wouldn't mind seeing that.

Well, get in that tent, and I'll show you what a moose dick looks like.


[Martha] Let me in first.

[Tim] No! (laughing)

(ominous music)

They'll be coming for you, James.

They've have their eye on you a long time.

Long time...

But you already knew that.

Didn't you? Hmm?

Careful where you're going, now.

You never know what you might find.

Who the fuck are you?

Stay the fuck away from my friends!

(dramatic music)

Get up, goddamn it! We've got hostiles!


[Martha] James!

[James] Martha?

What are you doing out here?

Waiting for you to find me.

We have to go back to the camp.

Where's Tim?

The plant can help you, James.


It's a portal, don't you see?

To the stars.

What are you talking about?

Where are your clothes?

These can't help you.

Share your pain with me, James.

No, I don't need saving.

Come here.

(suspenseful music)


(slow music)

(birds chirping)

[Martha] Tim?


[Tim] What? How the hell did we get out here?

[Martha] I don't know.

We must've been higher than we thought.



Where's James?

Probably smart enough to sleep in his own tent. I guess.


[Tim] Well, we better check.

Wait a sec.

Ooh, now this is the bulging wood I came to see.

[Tim] Top of the morning to you, too.

Morning glory, or whatever it is.

Tim? Martha?


[Martha] Shit! What?

[Martha] Get down. Get down.

[James] What the hell is going on?

What are you guys doing out here?

[Martha] There's something behind that tree.

It was watching us.

What the fuck you talking about?

[Martha] The fucking tree, right there, was watching us.

Please go check it out.

No, to your left!

[James] Here?

[Martha] The big one!

[Tim] Do you see anything?


Maybe it was just that moose fucking.

[Martha] It wasn't a fucking moose.

It wasn't a fucking moose.

Fuck this, man.

Okay, give me my shirt, I'm leaving.

(dramatic music)

(eerie hissing)

(dramatic music)

[James] Hurry up! We gotta go!

[Tim] What, did you see something?

[James] I said we gotta go!

Leave the fucking tents!

I said leave them, come on!

[Martha] Coming. [Tim] All right!

I don't know. We're probably all just still high.

[Martha] No, I know what I saw.

You saw the lights last night too?

No. [Tim] Yeah, dude.

We all saw the shooting star.

I'm not talking about the shooting star.

[Tim] What the hell are you talking about then?

[James] That blinding light that...

[Tim] Fuck! Whoa! What the fuck is that?

Jesus! Just go man!

[Martha] Go! [James] Just go!

Holy fucking shit!

What the fuck is that, man?

(Martha yelling)

[Tim] Calm down.

[Martha] Get off! Run her over!

Honk the horn!

(screaming) (honking horn)

It's some kind of animal or something!

[James] Go, motherfucker go! [Martha] Just run it over!

[James] Just go!

(suspenseful music)

[Martha] Just go around.

Babe, we're in a Prius.

It's not built for off-road activity.

What are you doing?

We must've missed an off-road or something.

Shit! [Tim] Holy shit.

It's an ambush.

What the fuck are you talking about, an ambush?

We're in a kill-zone.

A what zone?

A kill-zone!

Grab your packs, hurry!

(knocking) [Martha] Fuck.

Shit... Come on, let's go!

Come on! Come on!

[Martha] What the hell is going on?

[Tim] Some kind of ambush.

Who would be ambushing us?

[Tim] Just get your shit.

[James] What the fuck is the holdup, man?

Come on!

What the hell is that?

[Tim] Grab that shit and let's go!

[Martha] What the hell is that?

Is that fucking star leaf?

You have fucking star leaf clippings?

He fucking has star leaf clippings.

You're fucking us over, you realize that?

[James] You guys. You guys.

Are you serious? [Martha] He fucked us over.

[James] Are you serious?

Man, get rid of that shit!

[Tim] Dude, it's not that much, okay?

I just needed a little, to make some clones when I got home, alright?

Look, you guys are freaking out way too much.

We all just need to calm...

(Tim screaming) Whoa, dude!

[Martha] What the fuck?

Tim? Baby? Baby?

[Tim] What the fuck just grabbed me?

[Martha] Baby, are you okay?

Look at me. Let me see. Let me see.

(ominous music)

Tim? Martha?


James Hunter, Sergeant, United States Marine Corps.

I'm here, in Washington state, in the Olympic National Rainforest.

I know this is gonna sound crazy.

But something really, fucked up is happening right now.

And to be honest, I have no idea what.


I know this looks cheesy as hell, staring down into a camera, like some bullshit scene from some horror film.

But I promise you, this is real, okay?

In case something happens, hopefully somebody will find this footage, and try to make some sense out of all this.

It's been an hour.

Still no sign of my friends.

Think I'm gonna head west, towards the Pacific ocean, away from the peaks.

Hopefully I'll run into some kind of fucking civilization out there.

I just have no idea what the hell I'm doing, still.

But, I don't know, I'm...


(ominous music)








Lower your weapon.

Lower your weapon.

Now this, my friend...

This is one hell of a violation, of park regulations.

Look, I can put in a good word, about you using this thing here, considering your current state of mind and all.

But as for them...

They chose to break the rules, of their own free will.

[James] My friends are dead and you're talking to me about the fucking rules?

I'll show you some fucking rules!

[Ranger] If you can't follow a few simple rules, like not taking photos...

Or as in his case, stealing himself some souvenirs to take home.

How are we supposed to trust all of you, with the secrets to the universe, huh?

You tell me that.

[James] I can't believe I killed them.

Well, let's go check, make sure.

Yeah, they're dead.

You got a permit for this?

I found it.

[Ranger] Wow.

I guess it's your lucky day then.

You sure as hell know how to shoot it.

Don't you?



Yes, sir.


I can't hear you, maggot!

Sir, yes sir!

Sound off like you've got a pair!

Sir, yes sir!


[Tim] James?

Oh, my god. We found you.

[Martha] Who are you yelling at?

What are you doing with that?

I don't believe this.


You're dead.

What are you talking about?

I killed you guys.

Dude, that star leaf really messed with us.

We need to just calm down, find a place to chill.

I'm sorry.

[Tim] About what?

What's he talking about, baby?

We didn't know that there would be a kid.

[Tim] Dude, you're in Washington state now, okay?

You're safe.

You wanted me to take the shot so bad, didn't you?

The pink mist...

It's yours.

Take the shot.

Take the shot.

Take the shot!

[Martha] Honey, honey, it's okay.

[James] No! No!

[Tim] James!

My boy's lost it, completely.

[Martha] They told you not to touch their stuff.

Why'd you do it?

Had I known it would get this crazy, I never would've looked for it in the first place.

Hey, when we get back to the car, don't let me forget to pick up the clippings.

So I can take them back to the grove.

Look, you're right. This whole thing is...

No, you know what? This is fucking bullshit.

[Tim] Babe, calm down.

You're just having a bad trip.

Take the beads, they'll give you some peace and calm. No, fuck your hippy beads!

What's your problem?

Look, I'm not the only one who broke the fucking rules.

[Martha] No, get off me! Get off me!

Yeah. [Martha] Give me that.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh [Martha] No, no, no.

Give me that! Yeah, yeah, I'm the asshole.

I've seen the way you look at James.

I'm not a slut.

Fuck him. Who gives a shit anyway?

What the fuck was he talking about back there, huh?

The pink mist?

What's the big fucking secret, huh? Tell me.

Tell me.

What'd you fucking do back there?

What did you do back there?

You fucking killed someone?

You fucking killed someone, is that what you did?

You're a fucking coward, hiding behind a plant.

Yeah, who the fuck do you think you are?

Ugh! God!

When we were out, risking our lives for our country, you were here fucking every guy in town.

(Martha gasping)

[Martha] Ah, shit!

We are friends.

We're friends.

Oh, yeah? You like my beads?

Maybe she can help us find a way out of here.


We need some help, yo.

(Martha crying)

[Tim] Fuck!

[Martha] Tim!

Fuck! Oh, god.

Oh, my god. No, no, no.


[Seth] Forget something?

[Tim] Shit.

You disappoint me, man.

[Tim] No, no, no. You're not real.

[Seth] Oh, I'm real.

And it's about to get really real.

No, no. You don't exist.

You're not real. This is my brain on drugs.

[Seth] Yeah, you're tripping, man. You're tripping.

And it's a trip straight to hell.

You're just a figment of our imagination, our collective imagination.

You don't exist.

You disappoint me.

Go away!



[Martha] What the fuck?

What is this place?

Where the fuck are we?

Did you write that?


This is my stuff. Where'd you get this stuff, huh?

This is my fucking sunglasses, my phone...

Where'd you get this?

Oh, my god!

(suspenseful music)




(dramatic music)


Thank god.



(ominous music)

(yelling) (screaming)

(peaceful music)

What the fuck are you doing here?

Oh, just checking things out.

I hear you got yourself in a bit of a jam.

Nice to see you're working it out.

I'm telling you, my friend is a fucking idiot, okay?

He didn't mean to take anything...

Oh, he took it. He took it, alright.

And I'm afraid he meant to.

I'm telling you, man.

He didn't mean to do any...

You see this leaf?

Most people think it's only job is to make them feel good.

But feeling good really isn't what they want.

What they want, this plant can't give them.

Well, what's that?

(ominous music)

What's troubling you, man?

Excuse me?

What happened to you, over there in Afghanistan?


You saw something else over there, didn't you?

Same thing you saw at my place.


Do you know what it means?

It's a doorway.

Closed on one side, open on the other.

But our plant friends, you see...

They can only show you the door.

They can't walk you through it.

So what about those things we keep seeing?

Well, they're no friends of mine.

I'll tell you that.

They're more of a nuisance, really.

Well, what do they want?

Man, your karma is like a magnet.

They're drawn to it.

Like vultures, in the night, waiting.

Waiting for what?

To feed of your conflict.

They use you to form these charged emotional patterns, so they can share in a kind of awareness fulfillment, that they're otherwise denied.

What? What the fuck are you talking about?

(dramatic music)


Go on! Get out of here!

(dramatic music)

Go back to where you came from!

There ain't nothing here for you!

Go on!


(speaking unknown language)


(speaking unknown language)


(speaking unknown language)


(speaking unknown language)


(speaking unknown language)


[Seth] (laughing) Did you see that, man?

What the fuck did you just say?

Oh, it's just an old Jewish nursery rhyme for kids.

[James] What?

Yeah, you know, it works in a pinch.

But it ain't gonna work for long.

You better get back to your friends.

They're gonna need you.

Go on.

Hell yeah.

[James] Tim? Martha?

[Martha] James? [James] What the fuck?

[Martha] James, please. [Tim] Help us get down.

[Martha] Please help us. [Tim] Please, before he...

[Ranger] There he is!

Been waiting for you.

Who the hell are you, man?

What the fuck do you want?

[Ranger] I tried to warn you.

Others tried as well.

The star leaf...

Well, that's a special leaf, as you know.

Yeah? What's so special about it, huh?

It's a star gate.

It opens up a door to great healing.

Also great chaos, if not navigated skillfully.

Through this door, all kinds of beings emerge.

Some good, some not so good.

(dramatic music)

[James] Shit.

(suspenseful music)

You ever ask yourself if you really had a choice or not?

Pulling that trigger? Huh?

I mean, who's to say?

I'm just being theoretical.

But who's to say you happened to save the lives of 13 innocent Afghan civilians.

(honking horn)


Just saying.

(laughing nervously)


God, I don't fucking deserve this, okay?

I don't deserve this! This is bullshit!

You can save them the fate of what awaits them.

Put them out of their misery right now, hmm?

Untie me, now!

I just wanted to get a little high, I'm so sorry.

[Ranger] Will you just please shoot his ass already?

[James] Fuck you.

Fuck all of you.

I'm not gonna shoot my friends.

I'm not shooting my friends! You hear that?

I really wouldn't test them like that.

And you...

I've had enough of your fucking bullshit.

Easy now.

Fuck easy.

Why shouldn't I blow your fucking head off, right now?

Because you're not a murderer, James.

A killer, maybe.

But not a murderer.


Bad things happen.

But you're forgiven.

That's all the plant is trying to tell you.

It wants to help you, James.

It does. It really does.

Help? It wants to help me?

Is that what it wants? Huh? Huh?

Is this what you think is gonna help me? Huh?

[Martha] What the fuck! Seriously?

[James] How about this? Huh?

Or maybe this.

You might wanna think this one through.

You're making a terrible choice.

You wanna see it, don't you.

See what?

The pink mist.


James, no!

Careful what you wish for.

You just might find it.

[Martha] No, James.


[Martha] No!


(mysterious music)


(Tim laughing)

[Tim] Dude...

[James] Where are we?

[Tim] That place I was telling you about.




You're okay?

Yeah, are you okay, dude?

We haven't even smoked any weed yet, and you're acting like a freak.

Anyway, dude, like I was saying.

In this house, there's a dude that's gonna give us a map to the secret grove, here in the Olympics.

The stuff is called star leaf.

It opens a lot of doors to the supernatural.

Are you ready? Let's go.

[James] Wait.

Dude, how about the kid?

What? (clearing throat)

What kid? What are you talking about?

I know this sounds crazy.

But, you made the right choice that day.

You made the right call.

Wait, what kid?

Listen, man, I know you're suffering from some P.T.S.D. from then.

But that's why I brought you here.

We're gonna fix all that.

[James] Bullshit, man.

You don't wanna put in the real fucking work.

What fucking work?

You saw him too.

In the spotter's scope.

It ain't even like that for me.

[James] I'm not mad at you.

And I don't blame you for shit.

I promise.

You have no idea how badly I needed to hear that from you.

[James] Come on, man.


Oh, god, the federales.

Let's get in. Come on!

[Tim] All right, these dudes mess with Black people all the time.

I have a fucking thing that I do.

Just shut up and listen.

It's him.


[Ranger] What brings you fine folks out to these parts?

[Tim] Oh, I just think we made a wrong turn.

[Ranger] You did not make a wrong turn.

You're exactly where you need to be.

The question is, did you or did you not come here to purchase marijuana?

[Martha] Depends.

You got the sticky icky?

Well, if the sticky icky is what you're looking for, my friend here, Seth, would love to help you out.

Thanks, man, but we're heading out.


Let's pull out of here, and stick to the original plan, hanging out and surfing at the beach.

The beach?

You folks heading to La Push?

[Tim] Yeah, but we've gotta make one little stop in Forks first.

You folks must be Twilight fans then.

Yeah, well, she thinks people will ask her for her autograph cause she kinda looks like the chick from the movie.

Yeah, do you see the resemblance?

No, not really.

Then again, I ain't got much time to watch movies.

Too busy walking the trails with the snakes and snails.

Checking the pines for those evergreen crimes.

You folks happen to see a wondering moose?

Looking a little lonely?


[Ranger] Well, let me know if you see him.

[Tim] Gotta go now. It's nice talking to you, officer.

Forest ranger...

Maybe next time, man.

No worries, bro. All is forgiven.

All is forgiven.

Get the fuck out of here, man.

(slow music)

Little souvenir for you.

The kid got his head right, after all.

That he did.

That he did.

(upbeat music)

[James] God damn, I came all the way back, to hang out with you guys, for shit waves and no sun.

[Martha] What? It's beautiful!

This is the high that I came for.

You telling me that you didn't already get high today?

Oh, no, I totally got high today.

But this is the one that I came for.

[James] You're a fucking idiot, man.

[Tim] Let's fucking do this, man!

[Martha] Don't go so fast! (laughter)


Nice. Yeah that's holding up really well.

I see you got your 108 little beads there, to keep you occupied while we sort this out.

One for the one.

Zero for the nothing.

Eight for infinity.

Yeah, I guess it feels like infinity sometimes, don't it?

Yeah, it's silly. I know.

But, you know, rules are rules.

But, I got a good feeling about that friend of yours.

Yeah, a good feeling.

All right, well, shalom, shalom, baby.