Stardust Memories (1980) Script

Well, I thought it was terrible. Absolutely terrible.

I don't recall seeing anything this bad. You're not kidding.

This man is sick. What is this thing?

I thought this was supposed to be a comedy.

That was the most horrifying thing I've ever seen!

Seagulls. Dead cars. Just horrible. This is a disgrace.

He has no balance left. I just don't get it.

I think the guy's losing his mind. Somebody, please cut that projector.

Something wrong with him. He's out of balance.

He's not funny anymore.

$12 million for that garbage? What self-indulgence!

OK, let's not panic. I think the man's lost his mind.

We can take the film away from him, we can reshoot it, we can recut it.

Maybe we can salvage something.

He's pretentious. His filming style is too fancy.

His insights are shallow and morbid.

I've seen it all before.

They try to document their private suffering and fob it off as art.

What does he have to suffer about?

Doesn't the man know he's got the greatest gift, the gift of laughter?

No, I don't think I'm gonna make it.

We're sitting here in what looks like a truck route or something.

I don't know what the hell's going on. Hold on one second.

George, that guy's parked, you know? You can just drive around him.

It's crazy. The town is jammed.

Is the Pope in town, or some other show-business figure?

Oh, my God. Do you know what I forgot?

I forgot to cancel your lunch with the editor of "Newsweek". My fault.

And, you were supposed to tell me about the public television thing.

I remembered that.

And you were supposed to send the limousine to the airport for my parents.

I know, sweetheart.

The cast came off my finger, so I was at the doctor yesterday.

Look, that one's my fault. Listen, I made a couple of changes.

You have the analyst at 2:00 instead of 3:00, I moved your tennis lesson up an hour, the chiropodist is at 4:00, and we moved the hair treatment to, erm... Friday.

I'm sorry, Wednesday. No, Thursday! Thursday at 2:00 is the hair... treatment.

Can I please get your signature on this oil shelter thing?

Oil? You told me cattle. The cattle died.

Has anybody given any thought to "Time" magazine? I said I'd get back to them.

Your cousin called. He needs to borrow more money.

Oh, jeez!

Don't bug him about the "Time" cover. He can do it after the weekend.

I don't want to go away this weekend. Who needs a festival of my old films?

Sign here, please. It's ridiculous.

Don't worry about that income tax thing. I'll be with you to see the Treasury agents.

Treasury agents? Since when is it that serious?

Look, Sandy, this is two lousy days.

You drive up there, they honour you, they show your films, they ask you a couple of stupid questions, and you go home.

I don't wanna be honoured. It's a hype!

Don't be ungrateful. She's an important film critic.

You promised. They sold a lot of tickets. You can't back out.

You might enjoy it. The nice clean sea air.

Sandy, we've gotta talk about the new picture.

What do you want me to say? I don't wanna make funny movies anymore.

They can't force me to. You know, I don't feel funny.

I look around the world and all I see is human suffering.

Human suffering doesn't sell tickets in Kansas City.

They want laughs in Kansas City.

They've been working in the wheat fields all day.

Hey fellas, I'm getting a headache. Can I please get some privacy?

Your problem is, you never got over Nat Bernstein's death.

Of course I never got over...

The guy was 30 years old, never sick a day in his life, and then suddenly, out of left field, amyotrophic lateral sclerosis.

It was horrible.

He was laying there in the hospital, his body degenerated like Lou Gehrig.

You could use this weekend at the seashore. You should take a month.

When I was a kid, my mother took me to the seashore.

Little old decaying hotels and awnings.

Here's your Valium.

Great! Another show-business tranquiliser.

Hey, did anybody read on the front page of the "Times" that matter is decaying?

Am I the only one that saw that? The universe is gradually breaking down.

There's not gonna be anything left.

I'm not talking about my stupid little films here.

Eventually there's not gonna be any Beethoven or Shakespeare or...

Go to the seashore. Have a nice weekend.

Great!


What are you thinking about when you look out there?

Just, you know, all those people and...

You know, how unhappy most of them are and...

Those terrible things they do to each other and, you know...

Everything's over so quickly, and you don't have any idea of was it worth it or not.

Is there any way I can cheer you up?

No, there's... What do you have in mind?

Hmm, you smell nice. Yeah?

That aftershave, it just made my whole childhood come back with a sudden Proustian rush.

That's cos I'm wearing Proustian Rush by Chanel.

It's reduced, so I got a vat of it.

Listen, why don't I just run down and get some food, and we'll stay in tonight and I'll cook?

The last time you cooked, the kitchen looked like Hiroshima.

Yeah, we had a good time.

I could do my mother's recipe for Filet de boeuffourré Périgourdine.

I could do sweet potato rum casserole.

Yeah? No beverage?

I think they've been putting something wonderful in your lithium.

I've stopped taking the lithium.

Oh, Jesus, you're kidding!

Dorrie, that's not a good idea.

You know, you can't just go on and off it like that.

I don't think it does much good. You're wrong, cos I notice a difference.

You know, you can't...

It's a pain to keep getting my blood checked.

I'm sure it is. I feel heavy, and...

But, you know, it's better for you.

You know, it's not a good thing to just go... Really.

You are the best kisser.

That was my major in college.

Mr Bates! Mr Bates, come here at once!

Please, Mr Bates, the stove's on fire! What's the matter with you?

Put it out! Will you stop being so hysterical?

Every night it's a fire.

You don't know how to work the stove yet?

I worked it perfectly. For God's sake.

You do nothing but start fires here. Be careful.

Jesus. It's a simple stove!

And every night you set the apartment on fire!

Maybe it's defective. All right, relax. And no rabbit.

How many times have I told you? No rabbit.

I thought you only meant just that one time.

No. Never! I never want rabbit. I don't eat rodent.

I understand now. You understand that?

It's fur bearing. Never rabbit.

You never want rabbit. Now that's clear.

Everybody is just ecstatic that you're here this weekend.

The turnout is tremendous.

And these film culture weekends are just absolutely fantastic.

They are getting so popular.

You're gonna love our screening facilities.

When I had my Orson Welles weekend here, you know what he told me?

He said that I had the best sound and projection system he'd ever seen.

Bar none. Believe it or not, he did. That's what... Oh!

This is Mr Payson, our chairman, and Mrs Payson. They adore you.

We love your work. My wife has seen all your films.

I especially like your early, funny ones.

Dick Lobel. I'm with the museum film department.

We have a collection of more than 20,000 prints.

This is my friend Libby. She thinks you're a genius.

Libby just did a definitive cinematic study of Gummo Marx.

Interestingly, he's the one Marx brother that never made any movies.

Hello. A pleasure to have you here.

You're the best. Your work's fantastic.

Here. Read this.

I think you're absolutely magnificent. You're really intense.

We love you!

Hello, Isobel?

Isobel, I'm up here. Jeez, I'm going crazy.

Do you think you can get up here? Well, I miss you.

In English. Speak to me in English.

Your English is perfect. Don't worry.

What's the matter? You sound...

You want me to call you back? Can you not talk?

All right, I'll call you back.

# Three little words

# Oh, what I'd give for that wonderful phrase

# To hear those three little words

# That's all I'd live for the rest of my days

# And what I feel in my heart they tell sincerely

# No other words can tell it half so clearly

# Three little words, eight little letters

# Which simply mean I love you #

What were you trying to say in this picture?

I was just trying to be funny.

Do you find it very hard to direct yourself?

Er... hard? No. No, I just have to resist the temptation to give myself too many extreme close-ups.

Have you studied filmmaking in school?

No, no, I didn't study anything in school. They studied me.

I understand you studied philosophy at school.

No, that's not true. I did take...

I took one course in existential philosophy at New York University.

And on the final, they gave me ten questions, and I couldn't answer a single one of them, you know.

I left them all blank. I got a hundred.

Oh, you are marvellous, a genius... Good questions. Didn't you think so?

You handled them beautifully. You're a genius!

One of the most intelligent films I've seen in many years.

Can I get a photo, Mr Bates? There he is.

Hi! I just think you're great, and I just wanted to give you this record.

I'm with the Tuberculosis Association.

We're doing a benefit... There you are. There you are.

Mr Bates! Mr Bates, may I have your autograph, please?

If I could just have 10 minutes, I'd like to ask you a couple of questions.

Sure.

I'm doing this piece on the shallow indifference of wealthy celebrities.

And I'd like to include you. I'd like to include you in my piece.

I'm starving.

Sandy, there's a phone call for you. Let me show you where the phone is.

I'm Dr Paul Pearlman.

I did a paper on you and your films at a psychiatric convention.

Oh, really?

It was very well received, you'll be happy to know.

Glad to hear that.

For my own records, tell me, have you ever had intercourse with any type of animal?

With an animal? No... Hello?

Yeah? Very good.

Thank you very much. Keep up the good work, and good luck.

No, I don't think that's fair. Can I have a picture of you?

Over here, Mr Bates. Thank you so much. One picture. One more picture.

I don't want him to touch the film.

Tell him to come up here tomorrow and we'll talk about it.

They can't recut my film.

My name is Claire Schaeffer.

I do work with the blind, and we have a celebrity auction this month.

If you could donate something, like an ashtray or...

Sure. No problem at all.

Somebody told me you wear a truss. An old truss would just be wonderful.

No, I don't wear a truss. Thank you very much.

We went to Israel, and they love you there.

They're just crazy about you! Shalom!

I'm Jack Abel. Hi, how are you?

I teach screenwriting at Columbia. What is this?

If I could get you to lecture to my students, you'd make me a hero.

I'm not the type that lectures.

For your enjoyment, with my genuine affection.

I really appreciate it. It's exactly what I need.

People are always telling me how much we look alike.

I can see that.

If you could take my name, maybe next time you do a...

This is a real madhouse! I have a suggestive item of food.

Daisy and I were gonna go grab a beer.

If you'd like to come, we'd love it. Oh, God, I would love it.

Would you? There's a little roadside place...

This is unbelievable. I don't know what's going on.

Can I talk to you about an idea for a film I have...

This is not the place. Really. Do you have a moment?

It's a comedy based on that whole Guyana mass-suicide thing.

Sandy, this is what I did in vaudeville years ago!

# Give me the spotlight, give me the stage

# And leave the rest to me

# Give me a hat and cane, an old refrain, a sweet melody

# And so I dream of old Brazil

# Where hearts were entertaining June

# We stood beneath an amber moon

# And softly murmured, "Someday soon"

# We kissed and clung together

# Then, tomorrow was another day... #

Comedy is hostility.

Hmm. It's rage.

I don't have to give you that clichéd speech.

What is it that the comedian says when his jokes are going well?

"I murdered that audience. I killed them. They screamed. I broke them up."

So what are you saying?

You're saying that someone like myself, or Laurel and Hardy or Bob Hope are furious?

Furious, or latent homosexual.

It's hidden behind the jokes. I can't speak for those guys, but...

Jack! We're only theorising.

What do you do, Daisy? Are you a teacher, too?

No. No, I don't... She's a brilliant violinist.

Really? Is that so? That's an exaggeration.

Really? She's with the philharmonic.

That's very impressive. Well, I sit way in the back...

Get you some Camels? Yeah, thanks.

Excuse me.

So can I ask you a question?

Is it my imagination, or have you been kind of looking at me all night?

I mean, tell me if I'm wrong. Does it bother you?

No, no, no, I mean, I was just wondering, you know...

I've never seen such a sexy classical violinist before. I mean it.

Usually they're escaped Hungarians.

No, I'm from Winnetka, Illinois.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Funny, cos you remind me of somebody.

It's the strangest thing.

Yeah? Hm... Yeah.

It's not that you look like her or anything.

It's just that there's some kind of odd sense that I have.

Really?

And now, the Brooklyn Boys' Club is happy to present "The Amazing Sandy".

Incredible.

Extraordinario. Divino. È vero, è magnifico.

The boy's a natural. I've never seen anything like it.

A born magician.

He should be. He sits in his room alone and practises for hours.

Sure he's not doing something else?

Oh, he does that, too.

I found these pictures hidden in his drawer.

It causes him great guilt. I don't know if I can ever cure him.

I've been treating him for years already.

Thanks for a nice time. I'll see you guys.

See you around. Good night.

Hey, Sandy. Sandy.

I hate to hassle you or anything, but I just... I got to tell you, I love you.

I mean, I love your work. Thank you.

I'm an actor. Right now I'm working as a busboy, but really I am an actor.

I don't wanna bug you or anything, I just wanted to give you a picture.

You should mail this to my office. Here's a composite I have of myself.

You should send this stuff to my office. And a résumé.

I'm gonna go to sleep now, so if you just...

Just a second. I can give you...

Here's some reviews, some of the things the critics have said about me.

That's from "The Jersey Journal". That's great.

Here's me as Tevye in "Fiddler on the Roof". I did that in high school.

Did you? Did you? Let's see. Here's a résumé.

That's where I did Ensign Pulver. I worked in regional theatre.

Ensign Pulver in "Mister Roberts", there.

Hey, I'm crazy about you.

You don't even know who I am.

Yeah, but I've just been looking at you all morning.

I got to tell you, you're incredibly beautiful, whoever you are.

Yeah, it's true, I am. I guess I'm a little on the beautiful side.

Yeah, and you're real interesting.

I've been watching you all morning, just sitting off by yourself and reading.

You got a real strange quality.

Go on, keep going. You're getting through.

Yeah. How long you been acting? I guess I'm always acting.

Yeah?

Can I sit next to you? Sure. Be my guest.

Yeah? So tell me about yourself. Who are you?

Give me a lot of personal information immediately cos...

Don't hold anything back. Are you married, living with somebody?

I'm fascinating, but I'm trouble.

Trouble? Yeah.

Yeah? You said the right thing.

So, are you free for dinner or what? What are your plans later?

Don't feel obligated to say yes because I'm the director of the film.

I mean, this is a big coup for me.

I'm a nobody with a one-line part, and I managed to impress you just by sitting around speed-reading Schopenhauer.

You understand any of that stuff?

No. But I can fake my way through most situations.

Well, I got to tell you, I'm fatally attracted to you, so don't blow it, because, you know...

Well, I'll do my best, and it hasn't failed me yet.


Your spaghetti could've used another 20 minutes.

You said al dente. I was giving you my best shot here.

AI dente? That was so crispy. Didn't want a limp noodle, did you?

You want my spaghetti with nice Czechoslovakian sauce.

That's my specialty. I suppose it's different.

Yeah. A congealed, disgusting spaghetti.

Where d'you learn so much about wine? My father's an expert.

Her father! This is incredible. What is this guy not an expert in?

He's a tennis player and an antique connoisseur and a wine expert, and he's probably gorgeous, right, with greying temples and the aquiline profile.

A great-looking man.

Whenever Mother was away in her sanitarium, the ladies flocked around him.

And what about you? Tell me. Did you have a little crush on him?

You can admit this to me, if you like.

Sure. We had a little flirt. A little, small flirt?

Mother away getting shock treatment and the only beautiful daughter home.

Long, lingering breakfasts with Dad?

Getting nauseating? No competition for my mother.

She was very beautiful.

Your mother? That's nice. Yeah.

Your back is really knotted up. I know. It's very tense.

Jesus. What was your mother diagnosed as? Schizophrenic or...?

She was schizophrenic, she was depressive...

I see, the full complement of nasties.

Funny, cos in my family, nobody ever committed suicide.

This was just not a middle-class alternative, you know?

My mother was too busy running the boiled chicken through the deflavourising machine to think about shooting herself or anything.

God. So did you always want to be an actress?

No. I'm not really an actress.

You're good, Dorrie. You have a...

You have a real interesting quality on the screen.

You're just saying that. No, you're wrong.

It's not so. You have a real charming quality.

You got a real... You're a natural.

I'm a natural at everything I do, then I wind up not being able to do anything.

No, you're wrong. You've got real, genuine charisma on the screen.

It's true. You're sexy.

You've got no confidence, of course, but you got a real charming quality on the screen.

What was that? What was that? A pigeon.

Hey, that's pretty. A pigeon. No. It's not pretty at all.

They're wonderful. They're rats with wings.

No, it's probably a good omen. It'll bring us good luck.

Get it out of here. It's probably one of those killer pigeons!

Get something for it to eat. We can coax it down. What are you doing?

Wait. Wait!

You see, it's got a swastika under its wing.

Stop that.

I just wanna guide it out of the apartment.

Jeez! I don't want a winged thing in my house.

We can keep it.

Oh, I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm in the wrong room.

No, no, you're right. This is your room. Isn't this fun?

I tipped the porter so I could meet you.

Oh, Jesus, you're kidding. You're telling me they let you in here?

Well, I know, you get this all the time. No, I don't.

But, you know, I have a psychic, and I asked her about you, and she told me that we were destined to make it together.

Look, whoever you are, please, I'm tired. Go away.

I won't stay over.

I just know you're a Sagittarius, and Sagittarians get along really well with Pisces, cos I'm a Pisces.

And I just think that... Will you get out of the bed, please?

Well, wait, here. And I drove all the way from Bridgeport to make it with you.

Yeah? What is this, the traditional brownies with hash?

No. Here's the hash on the side cos I didn't know how much you took.

What is it, hollandaise sauce? What do you mean, how much I took?

You got in a car and you drove a long distance to go through mechanical sex with a stranger?

My husband drove me. We have a van. Your husband? You're kidding.

Is your husband here?

He would be so honoured if I could tell him that we made it.

He's a great fan of yours.

He's got all your albums. I'm sure.

He sees every movie. He talks about you all the time.

You're one of his heroes. Yeah. He's not insanely jealous?

No. We never have any problems with that.

And exactly where is your husband right now?

Well, he's sleeping in the van downstairs.

Hey, look, I don't feel that well. I'm tired.

I don't wanna go through an empty experience.

Listen, empty sex is better than no sex, right?

Come on, don't be so angry.

'We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin.

'Sydney Finklestein's hostility has escaped.

'Finklestein, a short man with glasses, 'told police that he has been fighting to hold his anger in for years, 'and is very embarrassed that it broke loose while he napped.

'Police are combing the countryside and warn all citizens to stay indoors.'

Oh, my God, look. That's my schoolteacher, Miss Reilly.

Oh, Jeez. Look, that's my ex-wife and her alimony lawyer.

And my brother Alvin.

He was the one that they taught to speak up.

He'd always come downstairs and recite.

Look. That's my mother.

Please. We don't wanna hurt you. We wanna reason with you.

I'm a psychoanalyst. This is my pipe.

I want to help you.

Your films are always psychological, never political.

Where do you stand politically? What can I say to that?

I'm for total, honest democracy.

And I also believe the American system can work.

A lot of people have accused you of being narcissistic...

I know, people think I'm egotistical and narcissistic, but it's not true.

As a matter of fact, if I did identify with a Greek mythological character, it would not be Narcissus.

Who would it be? Zeus.

Mr Bates, I'm with the Cancer Society. Right.

It would mean so much to so many people if you could appear at our benefit...

I would be glad to. Call me when I get back into town. I do it all the time.

Really.

Did you know Russian scientists are forcibly detained in insane asylums?

Yeah, I'm on a committee for that. So I've signed petitions and all that stuff.

Would you sign this autograph for my wife?

Oh, yeah. Sure. Sandy Brockman from Flatbush Ave.

To Hilda. Jerry Abraham.

We went to school together, right? I know. I remember you.

You dressed as Superman, you tried to fly.

I remember. I know you're busy. When can we talk?

I'll be here all weekend. OK, take care.

What is this? Don't read it now. Wait until later.

My son wrote it. It's perfect for you. It's a spoof on jockeys.

On jockeys? Yes, a spoof on little jockeys.

That sounds great. Yeah. Call. Call, OK?

Sandy! Can I have your autograph?

Oh, sure. There you go.

I was a caesarean. Oh. That's great.


Isobel. My God, what are you doing here?

But you called me. You were lonely. I know. But what a surprise!

What a treat!

Oh, Jesus.

Sandy?

Sandy? I really loved your last film. Oh, thank you.

J'ai quelque chose de très important à te dire.

In English. I had a very erotic dream about you last night.

I hope you brought your little tiny white cotton socks that I like...

Listen, I left my husband.

Really?

He knew I was having an affair and I did not want to lie to him.

I'm stunned.

That makes you nervous, no? No, no, no. I'm not nervous.

I'm just so... I just... I know we talked about it...

Sandy, I knitted this sweater for you myself.

Thanks very much. You don't have...

I just didn't think it'd happen. You don't have to worry about it.

No, I'm not worried about it. I'm just going to take care of myself.

You know, what does that mean?

We've seen all your films. They suck!

They're terrific. Because I know your face.

I know you are going to be sick.

I'm not going to be sick. I'm just so stunned.

I can't... You know, we discussed it and I... And I...

I think I'm going to stay in a hotel and find an apartment.

Honey, you're not staying in a hotel.

The whole point was that you would leave your husband and stay with me, that we would live together or marry, but be together.

Can I have your autograph? That's the point of it.

You're not gonna stay at a hotel.

No, I... That's ridiculous.

No, I think it would be OK if it is like that.

We could marry, but there is no pressure.

I don't feel pressure. You know, I...

It's funny. I had salmon for breakfast, you know, and I feel nauseous a little bit.

You know, they never serve it fresh.

I just brought up a wonderful bottle of wine and my white socks.

You know, the ones you like.

Isobel. Gee, I feel like such a fool.

Excuse me, Mr Bates, could I have your autograph?

I've seen all of your films. You're a master of despair.

Such a touch of Kafka. You know, I feel sick.

Can you give me 15 minutes?

I will have a bath, and you will come to the room.

What about the children? They are OK. They will come tomorrow.

Hi.

Hi. What are you doing here?

I just came in to be alone for a minute, to think.

What are you doing here? That's exactly what I was doing.

I was just sitting around thinking... What are you thinking about?

Me? Well, I was thinking about, should I change my movie?

Should I change my life? You know, all kinds of, you know, serious...

Yeah? What a surprise.

You know, I had a dream about you last night.

Did you? Yeah.

What did you dream? I can't tell you.

No, come on. No. It was really embarrassing.

Really? Was it one of those? Yeah, really. It was.

God, that's terrible.

If I get to know you better, I'll tell you, but I can't now.

Can I have your autograph? You're kidding.

What do you guys do? Me, too.

Follow me around? We think you're so sexy.

I'm sexy? They think I'm sexy.

Come on, Dorrie. Don't lie to me. You're attracted to her.

I'm not attracted to her. What are you talking about?

Staring at her all through dinner. Giving each other looks.

Stop it. She's 14 years old. Don't you think I see it?

She's not even 14, she's 13-and-a-half.

I used to play those games with my father, so I know.

I've been through all that. What kind of games?

You think I'm flirting with your kid cousin?

You can't take your eyes off her! She was sitting opposite me.

You smile at her! I smile at her. I'm a friendly person.

What do you want? She's a kid. This is stupid!

Don't tell me it's stupid!

I used to do that with my father, across the table, all those private jokes. I know.

What private jokes? We were talking about movies.

She likes funny movies, so we were discussing it.

What? Hey, what's the matter with you?

Dorrie, what's the matter with you? You're nuts.

You know how ridiculous this sounds? What are you saying?

That I'm flirting with your kid cousin?

I mean, doesn't that sound... That's absurd.

Come on.

Oh, my God! I was in the neighbourhood.

I had to say hello. Why didn't you call me?

I'm appearing right near here... What a surprise? Come on in.

This is Isobel, this is my sister. Hello, Isobel.

Oh, my God! Sam's gonna die. Come on in.

Girls! My brother! Do you believe this?

What are you shouting for? My brother Sam. We're relaxed.

Did I come at a bad time?

No, you didn't come at a bad time. We're all doing yoga. We're all relaxed.

You know everybody. You know Irene.

What happened, Irene? It's so ironic. Look at her face.

We moved here to get away from the crime and garbage, and look at this face.

Someone broke into her house last week, they robbed her, they raped her...

In the suburbs?

Isobel, they raped her over and over again.

They tied her to the bed. Horrible. With my scarf.

Really? I didn't even resist.

I'm sure you didn't resist. Knowing you, Irene, you...

How about a drink? Isobel? Coffee? Tea?

Sandy, you gotta go see Sam.

He's in the bedroom and he's meditating. I will. I'll see Sam.

Hi. Would you please? Don't bother him.

To Kevin and Mendel. Kevin and Mendel?

What are they, children? They're my children.

I had two heart attacks before I got the bicycle.

And since then? I also had two.

This is us when we used to go to the seashore every summer.

This is Sandy? That's Sandy.

And you. Where are you? That's me, the baby.

Nice baby. Yeah. My father stayed in the city.

I think he fooled around. There he is.

And your mother? That's my mother.

They were always fighting, always screaming at each other.

Once the police had to come. Here's Sandy in the Hebrew school play.

Oh, my God, I haven't seen this picture in ages.

He's so cute. Yeah, glasses, skinny.

Look how skinny he was. Oh, yeah.

'Remember how you got into that fight? Awful.'

'Well, I always resented Abraham being so willing to kill his son.

'I'm still bothered by it.'

'I think it was jealousy. You wanted the part of God.'

Oh, she's a lovely girl. I know. She's wonderful.

Are you gonna get married? I guess. You know, I suppose.

What do you mean, you guess? Yes or no?

I mean, you know, that looks like the direction we're heading in.

Are you in love with each other? Yeah, I suppose so.

You know, I don't know what to say, because it's a package deal.

I get a wife. I get a French wife and I get two kids, overnight.

Yeah? The question is do I want that?

I like the idea she's French. That I find romantic.

But do I want to have two kids suddenly? And, you know...

Oh, kids are nice, Sandy. I know, but you have to...

Of course, I never hear from my two older ones.

It's such a terrible... You still haven't heard anything at all?

They're 13 and 14. They hitchhiked to Texas.

I know. I had the police.

I don't know their whereabouts. So they can't find any trace?

The youngest one is selling stolen cameras. I'm worried. I'm worried.

Take it easy. Yeah...

Well, Sam doesn't wanna know about it.

He keeps having heart attacks. He never gets off the bike.

Do you hear from our parents at all? Yeah. You know, they sit in Miami.

Dad's gonna be 80. That's amazing. Amazing.

Good shape. Mom's blind in one eye, deaf in one ear.

I hope the same side of the head, right? Because that's important. So she's even.

Don't make jokes. She should be even at that age.

I miss you. I never...

Sam! That's enough with that bell!

I bought him a bell for Christmas and I never hear the end of it!

So I send money to Miami all the time, but I don't know what else I can do for our parents.

You're good like that. You keep up.

You know, I like your sister. She's very nice.

She's a little screwed up.

She's very funny. She is.

When you told her that you had been a leftist, you know, and that you had been in jail, her mouth was hanging open.

She's intensely middle-class, you know.

I find that extremely difficult to swallow, even now.

But I told you, things were very different in this time, in '68.

I know they were different, but I can't see you standing in the streets throwing rocks and bottles.

I don't have that image of you. You're too sweet to ever think of...

Because we had to.

It was the only way to change the spirit of relationships between people.

George, you're going too slow. They're gonna get you.

I know, but it's just such an odd thing.

I can never picture you just hanging in there with the workers and storming...

The workers were not with us.

They were fighting for their own salaries and own conditions of life.

Yes. And so...

And we were fighting for the spirit of the things and for...

Maybe we were romantic.

They thought we were romantic... Yes.

I remember, when I was in jail, I thought it was so romantic.

Oh, terrific. You met a lot of interesting men in jail?

You know, men and women are separated in jail.

I find it very, very difficult to have a commitment like that.

I feel to survive in life, you wanna stay loose, you wanna keep flexible.

What the hell is going on out there? What are they...

Hey, what's going on? Mr Bates, how are you?

I've always enjoyed your films. Thanks very much. What's he done?

Well, I've got a warrant for his arrest. You're kidding!

For what? Out of Pennsylvania.

It's for mail fraud. Mail fraud? My chauffeur?

Listen, do you have a licence?

Can you drive this car? I can drive it if I have to.

Are you gonna take him down? I have to. I'm sorry.

Are you sure you got the right guy? Yes, I do.

By the way, Mr Bates, the next time you do a film, how about doing one about a police sergeant?

Jesus! I got a great story to tell you, OK?

He's booking my driver for mail fraud, if you can believe that.

Really? You're kidding. Oh, that doesn't make sense.

I checked every reference, they're impeccable.

How can they be impeccable? I had six chauffeurs in two years.

You get me drunks, guys who can't understand English.

One guy ran over an old lady with me in the car, and now this guy's wanted for mail fraud.

Would you sign my left breast?

By the way, Dr Melnikoff called.

He said you should stop using that shampoo solution he gave you to rub in your hair.

He says they just found out it causes skin cancer.

He's had me on it for nine months. Now he tells me it causes skin cancer?

Ed Rich. I'm with the New York City Landmarks Committee.

We're having a fundraiser next month. I'll be glad to come.

Call me when I get to town. It's a wonderful cause.

To preserve old buildings. I'm sure.

Call me when I get back to town. I'll be happy to make it. Really.

Oh. OK. Fine. Thank you. And cheer up.

What is that?

What the hell is that? That's the silliest thing I've ever seen.

What is that?

Those people that are marching in the background.

Those are all the people from the train that wind up in the garbage dump.

What the hell are they doing here?

They wind up in Jazz Heaven. It's commercial, it's upbeat.

It's upbeat, it's commercial.

It's stupid. I thought you'd like it, Sandy.

You love jazz.

Who is this guy anyhow to rewrite the end of my movie?

And since when are all these guys involved?

These are the new heads of the studio.

What do you mean? Every six months I meet a new group of studio heads.

It's very disconcerting to me, too, but, you know, the mortality rate in this business is unbelievable.

I'll say. It's like the Black Plague. Jesus!

I think you're wonderful. Can I have your autograph?

I don't want anybody going to Jazz Heaven.

That's a nitwit idea.

You know, the whole point of the movie is that nobody is saved.

Sandy, this is an Easter film. We don't need a movie by an atheist.

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Ha, Jesus!

I'm your biggest fan. I think you're terrific.

Thank you. His public adores him.

Yeah, today they adore you, and tomorrow it's one of these.

He's paranoid. You're being a little paranoid.

No, you know what I'm being? I'm being realistic.

That's why you don't like the movie. It's not a matter of what I like.

Listen, I've been on this side of the business for four years now.

Too much reality is not what the people want.

Jazz Heaven! That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly.

Only art you can control. Art and masturbation.

Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

I feel very tired. Yeah?

Isobel, I want you to come and live with me.

Can we not talk about it tonight? No, I wanna talk about it.

I've been thinking about it all day. You know...

I was just very, very surprised before, that's all.

But when I think it over, it's a very, very important thing to me.

You know, you don't have to say that. I know I don't have to say it.

But I feel that way. I have very, very complicated feelings towards you.

I like to be with you and I don't want to screw up this relationship.

You know that I love you, I trust you, you know.

You're one of the few people that I really have fun with.

Gee, if it wasn't for you this past year, I'd have been absolutely, you know...

What are you doing? I'm pouring my heart out here and you're behaving like a crazy person.

Isobel, will you stop that for a minute?

Yes, but I'm just doing my exercise.

Yes. But this is important, what I'm saying.

Can you...? Yes, but my exercise, too.

Yes. I know, but... I need it for my muscle.

You look like you're having a fit. No, I'm not.

Isobel. Isobel, I'm serious. I want you to move in with me.

I'm serious.

I think that you should live with me and I think we would have a lot of fun together.

I'm not sure about anything, you know? What do you mean?

I'm just thinking of it. It's such a big decision for me, too.

I know it's a big decision for you, too.

It wasn't so easy to leave my husband, and now to think of the children...

It's good that you left your husband, though.

I think it's a good thing. Yes, I'm sure of it, too.

But I'm not sure about the rest, you know.

It frightens me, too.

I think we have to think about it.

I see. So now that I feel that you should live with me, now, all of a sudden, you feel differently, right?

But it is not so clear.

But don't you see? To me, you may be the perfect woman.

You're mad. You're a respected, well-known, established New York doctor.

How could you get involved in something like this?

But I've never been able to fall in love.

I've never been able to find the perfect woman.

There's always something wrong. And then I met Doris.

A wonderful woman, great personality.

But, for some reason, I'm just not turned on sexually by her. Don't ask me why.

And then I met Rita. An animal. Nasty, mean, trouble.

And I love going to bed with her.

Though afterward, I always wished that I was back with Doris.

Then I thought to myself, if only I could put Doris's brain in Rita's body.

Wouldn't that be wonderful?

And I thought, why not? What the hell? I'm a surgeon.

Surgeon? Where'd you study medicine, in Transylvania?

So I performed the operation and everything went perfectly.

I switched their personalities and I took all the badness and put it over there, and I made Rita into a warm, wonderful, charming, sexy, sweet, giving, mature woman.

And then I fell in love with Doris.

Do you really feel there's such a thing as a perfect mate?

I mean, don't you think the basis of any mature relationship is really compromise?

I think any relationship is not based on either compromise or maturity or perfection or any of that.

It's really based on luck. You know, that's the key thing.

People don't like to acknowledge that, because it means a loss of control, but you really have to be lucky.

I have a question for Mr Roberts.

Was the scene between you and Sandy Bates at the wax museum a homage to Vincent Price's horror movie "The House of Wax"?

An homage? Not exactly. We just stole the idea outright.

You set things up so you can play a little golf, you get a little poon, you smoke some good grass...

Yeah, keep going. And that's what life's about.

It's shallow. It's shallow. Shallow?

Did you see the shallow girl that I'm with?

No, I haven't. "Playboy" centrefold.

Perfect. You met her in a hot tub, right? She's a lovely girl. She's very healthy.

Into massage, right? She won't eat meat, sweets.

Just amphetamines. Yeah, exactly.

You don't make such good picks. A lot of your picks left a lot to be desired.

Like what? Like Dorrie? Dorrie was fabulous.

Dorrie was a loony. Dorrie was great.

She was bright, she was quick... She was bright, there's no question.

Yeah. She had a perfect personality.

She was completely self-conscious out of bed, and when you got her in bed she was completely unselfconscious.

It's a perfect balance.

Yeah, she could be very fine and funny and bright and wonderful two days a month.

The other 28, she was lost. But what a two days, let me tell you.

When she was on, she was a 10. She was dynamite.

'Remember when we went to that place with the pipes?'

'Her photography period. That was hilarious.'

'You bought her a camera.' 'She kept hinting for a camera.'

'And graphics, that's all she talked about.'

'She was obsessed. Well, you like to pose for pictures.

'You were in all your hammy glory.'

'I wanted to go hear jazz and you wanted to go home and rehearse.'

'We're artists. We had work to do that night.'

'I can imagine.'

Hey, Sandy. Jerry Abraham. Remember me? We grew up together.

Of course. You asked me this the other day. Why should I forget you?

Well, people grow up, they become big hotshots, they forget.

We played stickball together, right? Yeah. We went to Hebrew school, too.

So what are you doing? Know what I do now? I drive a cab.

You look good. There's nothing wrong with that.

Yeah, but look at me compared to you.

Jesus! All those beautiful broads.

That's great. What do you want me to say?

I was the kid in the neighbourhood that told the jokes, right?

So we live in a society that puts a big value on jokes, you know?

Think of it this way.

If I had been an Apache Indian, they didn't need comedians at all, right?

So I'd be out of work. Oh, come on.

That doesn't help me feel better, you know.

I don't know what to say. I got such a headache.

It's luck. It's all luck. I was lucky.

I'm the first to admit I was a lucky bum.

If I was not born in Brooklyn, if I had been born in Poland or Berlin, I'd be a lampshade today, right?

It could happen just like that.

So, you know, be thankful that you're not Nat Bernstein.

Nat Bernstein? Yeah, wasted away.

Incurable disease.

It was absolutely terrible. Oh, wow.


Well, yes, of course, Harvey. No, I understand that. Of course.

The point is, it's immoral for them to touch the end of my film.

Jesus. Well, I don't know what to say.

So then we'll sue them.

Can you call me back later this afternoon at the hotel and find out?

Well, yes, I'll be... Later this afternoon.

OK, OK.

The thing is, I'm kind of crazy right now.

I just don't seem to be able to sleep, you know?

I have to do some practising on the violin, cos I got to go back to the philharmonic in a couple of weeks.

But, you know...

Last night I had a migraine, and so I took some Darvon, and that made me so nervous that I took 40mgs of Valium, you know.

And then I still couldn't sleep. I was up all night.

Yeah, well...

Well, I got a message on my service that Sarah called.

Yeah, I know. I haven't talked to her in about a year.

And I got upset, I started eating.

I ate a pound of cookies last night.

Yeah, I'm really fat. Really fat.

Jack was so sweet about it.

No, he doesn't know about my relationship with her.

He knows that we lived together in Israel, but he doesn't know the...

He was so affectionate last night in bed.

You know, he wanted...

I told him I had herpes.

Yeah. No, take the call. I'll hold on.

No, I'll hold on a second.

I don't like the idea of your kids riding on the train alone.

They'll be OK, I'm sure.

Who knows what goes on in those things?

There's a lot of weird people out there. A lot of perverts and crazies.

They're liable to get molested or robbed.

Not my children! Maybe the other way around.

If I knew exactly when they're coming, my chauffeur could've picked them up.

He could've broken out of jail and got them.

Are you Sandy Bates? No.

The kids'll probably be starved. Yes, you are.

No, no, no.

My mother buys meat in the same butcher's your mother does.

Great. Can I have your autograph?

Oh, jeez!

Could you write, "To Phyllis Weinstein, "you unfaithful, lying bitch"?

OK, OK.

We can sit by the window. It'll be nice.

We'll sit by the window and have a nice time.

Don't attract attention. Don't attract too much attention.

OK, OK.

Uncle Sandy... Can I put you down first?

Heavy kid! Jeez, she's really heavy.

Uncle Sandy...

We don't want to attract too much attention.

Blonde kids.

Shh! Shh! Ice cream!

Thank you. Happy birthday, boy.

You didn't have to do that.

Wow!

What are you thinking about? I'm knocked out by this.

You know, you really didn't have to do this.

I never forget a birthday. This is so great.

But how did you know it's exactly what I wanted?

You always wanted to learn. Yeah...

Will this play the Mozart Flute Concerto?

You have to do that. I have to do it? You mean it doesn't...

Oh, Dorrie, this is a big day for me here.

"The Way of Zen", what are you trying to tell me?

That I'm not at peace, right? I think I need more than a Zen book.

I need either a good rabbi analyst or interplanetary genius to...

What is that? Oh, Dorrie, what...

Unbelievable. How did you get that? I thought the museum was gonna buy it.

Yeah, well, I knew you loved it. This must've cost you a fortune.

How could you do that? It's so extravagant.

That's... Gee, I...

You got nothing else for me? I mean, just three?

When I was a kid, the thing that I always wanted was an elephant.

I could never convince my mother to get one for me.

I'd have got you an elephant. Yeah, but where were you?

Hey, look who it is. Hey, hi.

Hi, you guys. Hi, Sandy.

This is Isobel. And this is Daisy and Jack.

We were just at the train station. Her kids just came in.

Great-looking kids. Yeah, they're wonderful.

We got them some ice cream. What have you guys been doing?

We were walking around town. It's dead, isn't it?

Did you know "The Bicycle Thief" is playing?

That would be a great... I've never seen it.

You've never seen "The Bicycle Thief"? It's a movie I've seen five times.

We should see it. Wanna see "The Bicycle Thief"?

No, thanks. I have to get the children home.

She's never seen it?

Why don't you guys go see "The Bicycle Thief"?

I'll go and read my Agatha Christie.

I would love to see it. I've seen it, but I would love to.

I can take you back in the car if you don't wanna go.

It's a great film. It's great. But you gotta look at it in context.

It's about survival in post-war Italy. I was looking at it in context.

Right. But you can't divorce it from its social roots.

But it's much deeper than a social problem.

There's so many wonderful ambiguities in it.

It's much more profound. But the conflict is clear. Right?

He's got to have the bicycle or he's gonna starve to death.

Yes. Of course. But forget about a social problem for a minute.

I mean, you know, obviously... What is this place?

Obviously if you don't have enough to eat or something, that becomes a major problem, the issues become very clear-cut.

But what happens if you're living in a more affluent society and you're lucky enough to not have to worry about that, you're surviving?

So then your problems become how can I fall in love, or why can't I fall in love, more accurately, and why do I age and die, and what meaning can my life possibly have?

The issues become very complex for you.

For a guy who makes a lot of funny movies, you're kind of a depressive, you know.

I'm not a depressive. I have a good time. I have laughs.

Do you? Why? Do you not think so?

I don't know. Like what do you do, for example, for laughs?

What do I do? The usual, you know. Read, walk, communicate, all that stuff.

Get undressed and perform the Heimlich manoeuvre on a loved one.

I was having a good time this afternoon.

Why, has this been dreary for you? Have I been boring? Tell me the truth.

No, I've been having a really good time. Really.

Sandy?

Charlotte. Charlotte Ames.

Your mother.

How you doing? I just knew that was you back there.

Ah, you don't recognise me, right? Sure I do.

It's OK. I had some face work done.

You look astounding. Would you believe it?

Would you believe I played your mother in a movie?

I'm amazed. Thank you.

What a funny coincidence.

I had my face done. I had my breasts done. I had my ass done.

I got some procaine and silicone, some nipping and tucking.

That's more work than they do on the West Side Highway.

Well... But why? I don't understand you.

You were always a wonderful-looking...

You know! I'm an actress, you got to keep young.

Otherwise the public loses interest. You always looked great to me.

Let me tell you. Wow. That's sweet.

Listen, tell me, what the hell are you doing up here?

I was just driving through. We were at the movies.

I'm still stunned to see you, I must say.

You got to tell me whatever happened to what's-her-name? That actress. Dorrie.

Dorrie? Dorrie's OK.

Dorrie's living in Hawaii, and she's married, and she's fine.

I liked her. She was special. She was great.

I mean, I really dug her.

I can't play this. I don't have that kind of flair.

Will you stop it? You're fine. You just refuse to trust yourself.

I'm no good. I don't know what you see in me.

Will you relax? You're a bundle of nerves. You're great.

I should be playing Cynthia's role, she should be playing mine.

She's much funnier and a lot more beautiful.

She's fine, but you're great, too.

The crew laughs at her. They can't take their eyes off her.

Oh, stop it. What are you taking? My diet pill.

That's speed. I don't wanna be fat!

Fat? How can you be fat? There's no chance...

I am, I'm overweight. You just refuse to see my bad points.

You're killing yourself with those diets.

First it's no pills, then it's all pills, then it was no steak, and then it was six steaks a day and twelve glasses of water.

I'm tired of feeling gross. You're not gross.

Obviously you're gonna kill your appetite if you take speed, but then you can't sleep nights, you got to take those terrible sleeping pills.

And you mix that garbage with your anti-depressants...

The doctor said it was fine. You never asked the doctor.

Stop telling me. Is she fat? Is she fat? Talk to her.

Talk to her. I can't believe... Listen, Dorrie. Listen to me.

You are such a sweet, young and beautiful...

Anything you do looks right.

Honestly, you're at the age where you can't do anything wrong.

Hey, come on. If you had scar tissue, it would be beautiful.

Listen, I'm the one with crow's feet on her crow's feet, huh?

You're wonderful! The picture's almost over.

Why don't we go away for a while? We could drop out.

We can have a kid. You know I'd like that.

All right. Of course, we'd have to fool around a little bit, but you could swing that if you put your mind to it.

Oh, shit! Now my skin hurts. That's a sure sign I'm getting depressed.

So do I really remind you of an old girlfriend?

That's not bad for a little violinist from Winnetka, you know.

Yeah, I got to give you my one classical music joke, which I put in every single picture, and I invariably cut it out.

I don't know much about classical music.

For years, I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr and Mrs Goldberg tried on their wedding night.

See why it goes out of the picture. Great gag.

So, how do I remind you of Dorrie?

How? Yeah.

You guys are both, you know, sort of seductive and attractive.

Stop me if this gets nauseating. And, you know, beautiful.

And there's a... Not a tragic sense, I wouldn't say, but there's kind of, you know, a lost feeling.

Really? Little bit. Yeah.

A sort of... I don't know you well enough to say that, but, you know, I would guess it's just kind of a lost quality.

Hmm. Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. What's the matter? What's going on?

Yeah. The goddamn chauffeur never takes care of the car.

Hang on. Oh, brother! I got to... Yeah.

Oh, Jesus. Really annoying.

No, I know. This is absurd.

You know, it's starting to get dark, there's no people, there's no...

There's, you know...

Well, I'm sure we're gonna find something very soon.

I don't know. There's got to be something around here.

They're gonna find us wandering in the woods six months from now, living on locusts and wild honey.

What the hell is that?

In the Earth's trinity there are three signs, the Taurus, the Virgo, the Capricorn.

The Taureans are determined, the Virgos analytical, and the Capricorneans persevering.

We're not discussing astrology. This is science.

Oh, come on! Science has failed. How can you say it's failed?

You're just saying that because it hasn't solved every problem.

Look at penicillin. And space satellites.

Open-heart surgery, heart transplants.

My husband's alive, six months now, using a different person's heart.

It's a Japanese heart, but he seems happy.

Can we get back to the subject of UFOs? That's what this party's for, isn't it?

Is it true that you're a UFO freak? No, no. Our car broke down.

I really admire your work, sir. Thanks very much.

You have such a degenerate mind. Thank you.

They're in all different sizes and they're in all different shapes.

You actually see them? Every night.

Is this your girlfriend?

She's just a friend. Are you both into Martians?

I know you don't like to do this, but can I kiss you?

Hey, you should make a film about flying saucers.

You only make films about people with personality disorders.

I can prove that if there's life anywhere else in the universe, they will have a Marxist economy.

Mr Bates? Excuse me. I'm an occult nutritionist. I was wondering...

Mr Bates? Excuse me. What have you got against intellectuals?

Intellectuals? Nothing. Why? Mr Bates, I've seen all your films.

You really feel threatened by them. Threatened? You're kidding.

I've always said they're like the Mafia. They only kill their own.

That's exactly the attitude I was talking about.

You believe in magic. I know, I've read all your interviews.

No, I used to do magic tricks when I was a kid, but no more.

So you guys are here to see flying saucers land? Is that gonna happen?

When they arrive, it'll be the dawn of a whole new civilisation.

Space creatures conspiring with the Soviet government already control our thoughts by sending out electrical currents from the top of the Empire State Building, and I'm the only one that knows.

If you're alienated, can you still have children?

Sure. Alienation only affects the mind.

It has nothing to do with the rest of your body.

Sandy! Sandy, you know, this is exactly like one of your satires.

It's like we're all characters in some film being watched in God's private screening room.

So, I thought I saw a UFO once. Really?

Yeah, but I'd taken a lot of mescaline at the time, so I don't know.

Well, that will do it to you.

I was down in Mexico with my English professor.

We were having an affair, he was married.

It was a really terrible situation. You thought you saw a UFO?

Yeah, we both really thought we did. Well, that's a delusion.

I didn't know you did magic tricks.

Yeah, when I was a kid. I always practised to be popular.

So, I used to... I'm getting drunk. So can you show me one?

You wanna see one? Sure.


Our son's a genius. He doesn't take after you for damn sure.

He surely doesn't take after your side of the family!

Go to hell! Shut up!

If he's such a genius, how come he can't make funny movies?

Sandy, we'll sue them if they touch one frame of your film.

I promise you, you won't win.

By the way, we got killed by the IRS. They started looking at the back taxes.

You're my brother. You got to help me change my life. I'm a mess.

And don't forget lunch with the editors of those high school newspapers.

What about the Cancer Foundation, and the leukaemia victims, and the political prisoners all over the world?

What about the Jews? The persecution in Europe, in Russia...

All those silly magic tricks you do couldn't help your friend Nat Bernstein.

And what about Dorrie? You know what that was like.

Remember the last time you saw her?

There's a doctor here that thinks I'm beautiful and interesting.

There's a doctor here that thinks I'm beautiful and interesting.

Are you seeing anyone?

You look thin.

There's a doctor here that's crazy about me.

Are you seeing any... There's... People's...

...be too close.

I used to swim a lot. I can't feel anything. Yeah, me too.

I can't concentrate. There's no point. Too much. Some fresh air.

I feel better.

You were always searching for the perfect woman.

You wound up falling in love with me.

I can't be alone.

But I can't be too close.

It's not you, I... I just can't feel anything.

Are you going with anyone?

Are you seeing anyone?

Are you in love with anyone?

How do I look?

Wait a minute. Don't go! I've got some questions.

We can't breathe your air.

Yeah, at the rate we're going, we're not gonna be able to, either.

You guys got to tell me, why is there so much human suffering?

This is unanswerable.

Is there a God? These are the wrong questions.

Look, here's my point. If nothing lasts, why am I bothering to make films, or do anything, for that matter?

We enjoy your films. Particularly the early funny ones.

But the human condition is so discouraging.

There are some nice moments, too. Yeah, with Dorrie.

That's right. And Isobel. Be honest. You prefer Isobel?

There's no comparison, she's a mature woman.

Mature woman? What are you, my rabbi?

Hey, I'm a super-intelligent being.

By Earth standards, I have an IQ of 1600, and I can't even understand what you expected from that relationship with Dorrie.

I loved her. Yeah, I know.

And two days a month, she was the most exciting woman in the world, but the rest of the time she was a basket case.

On the other hand, Isobel is someone that you can count on.

But shouldn't I stop making movies and do something that counts, like helping blind people, or becoming a missionary or something?

Let me tell you, you're not the missionary type. You'd never last.

And incidentally, you're also not Superman, you're a comedian.

You wanna do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.

Yeah, but I've gotta find meaning.


Wouldn't you know it, that there would be hot air balloons?

You didn't really expect saucers? I did, yeah. I was hoping...

I had some very, very profound questions that I wanted to ask.

You look incredibly beautiful to me.

Well, thanks. We should go back to the hotel, don't you think?

No, I don't want to. Come on, we've been away for hours.

They're gonna be worried about us. I never wanna go back to the hotel.

What I wanna do is run away with you.

I'm serious. I wanna get in the car and just give up everything.

I just wanna give up everything, and just... We'll move in together.

I would be no fun to live with.

You'd be nothing but fun. You'd be great.

I would be very bad trouble, believe me. You don't know me.

Why? What are your problems? I just... Men.

I have terrible trouble with men. Why? Why?

It's just that whenever a man gets close, I get crazy.

Well, you go with Jack. That's something else.

He's very sweet, and he really cares about me.

And it's solid, you know. I need that.

As soon as I saw you in the lobby, I thought that you'd be absolutely fun for me.

You have an incredible sixth sense to pick me out of the whole crowd of people.

I'm nothing but trouble. Nothing but...? I can handle it.

There they are! What is going on here, Sandy?

We sent the police! I thought something terrible had happened.

The car broke down. Out here carousing. I don't believe this!

What does everybody want from me? Leave me alone.

I don't wanna go back. I'm tired of everything.

I'm tired of my lawyer and my accountant, and I can't help anybody.

I can't help the Cancer Society, and I can't help the blind people and the kidney victims.

I can't help my sister, and I don't wanna get married, Isobel.

The last thing I need now is a family and a commitment and a...

Isobel! Sandy?

You know you're my hero.

Oh, my God! He's dead!

It's a shame. Poor fool, he's dead.

And he never really found out the meaning of life.

I treated him. He was a complicated patient.

He saw reality too clearly. Faulty denial mechanism.

Failed to block out the terrible truths of existence.

In the end, his inability to push away the awful facts of being in the world rendered his life meaningless.

Or as one great Hollywood producer said, "Too much reality is not what the people want."

Sandy Bates suffered a depression, common to many artists in middle age.

In my latest paper for the "Psychoanalytic Journal", I have named it "Ozymandias Melancholia".

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Well, Sandy Bates' works will live on after him.

But what good is it if I can't pinch any women or hear any music?

And now in this classic scene from his Academy Award winning motion picture...

I would trade that Oscar for one more second of life.

...he deals with the subject of immortality, a subject that plagued him.

In this film, he played the part of God.

This was not easy, folks, because, you know, I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and I don't have a good voice for God.

He received an Academy Award nomination for his convincing portrayal of God, although they had to use another actor's voice.

And though this plaque is not an Academy Award, and its presentation is posthumous, I want to present it to that great comedian, the late Sandy Bates.

Here you go, Sandy. Thank you very much.

Thank you so much. I'm very honoured to get this, you can imagine.

You know, some time ago I had a love affair that ended sort of unhappily, and just a little while back, just before I died, in fact, I was on the operating table, and I was searching to try and find something to hang on to, you know. Cos when you're dying, your life suddenly really does become very authentic.

And I was reaching for something to give my life meaning, and a memory flashed through my mind.

'It was one of those great spring days, a Sunday, 'and you knew summer would be coming soon.

'I remember that morning Dorrie and I had gone for a walk in the park.

'We came back to the apartment, we were just sort of sitting around, 'and I put on a record of Louis Armstrong, which was music that I grew up loving.

'It was very, very pretty, and I happened to glance over, 'and I saw Dorrie sitting there.

'And I remember thinking to myself, how terrific she was

'and how much I loved her.

'And I guess it was the combination of everything, 'the sound of that music and the breeze, 'and how beautiful Dorrie looked to me.

'And for one brief moment, everything just seemed to come together perfectly, 'and I felt happy.

'Almost indestructible, in a way.

'And it's funny, that simple little moment of contact

'moved me in a very, very profound way.'

# Sometimes, I wonder why I spend the lonely night

# Oh, baby, oh, I know

# Dreaming of a song melody in my memory

# And I am once again with you

# When our love was new, oh, baby

# Each kiss an inspiration

# That was long ago

# Now my consolation

# Is in the stardust of a song

# Beside a garden wall

# When stars are bright, you were in my arms, baby

# The nightingale tells his fairy tale

# Of paradise where roses grow

# Though I dream in vain, oh, baby

# In my heart it will remain

# My stardust melody

# The memory of love's refrain

# The memory of love's refrain #

Cop-out artist!

That was so beautiful.

Why do all comedians turn out to be sentimental bores?

He's all right, he just fainted. I'm sure it's just nervous tension.

He had some hallucination about being shot with a .32 pistol by a fan.

Dorrie...

Isobel. Isobel!

I wanna talk to you. I don't want to talk to you.

Don't be silly...

I came to invite you to my brother's restaurant.

My brother Ozzy's got a terrific restaurant.

Armenian food. My mother's the cook. I don't eat Armenian food.

We need a picture of you, maybe sitting at a table.

No, no, no. It'd really be terrific.

What's the matter? The Rolls-Royce.

Yeah, it's mine. This is mine. I already went through that.

Well, we found a .32 calibre pistol. That's mine, too. I carry a pistol.

I have a thing about Nazis.

It's a little paranoid weakness I have. You have a permit, I'm sure.

I don't need a permit. I never shoot the gun.

But, you know, I've had family that's had problems, so I...

I'm sorry, but... It's strictly a Nazi...

Sorry, but we'll have to have you come down and answer a few questions.

That won't be necessary. Really.

You can make an exception in my case. I'm a celebrity.


Listen, I want you to come and live with me.

No, thank you.

Really... Don't be ridiculous. You make me feel ridiculous.

I've been under stress lately. You know what I mean?

Our broken romance and the death of a friend.

Go find Dorrie. She's better for you. No, no. Dorrie. That's over, believe me.

I don't want to hear you!

I love you. I mean, I've really thought everything over.

I'm telling you, this has been a very, very interesting weekend for me.

A lot of very strange thoughts went through my mind.

And I feel very differently about a lot of things.

I am not your type. Yes. No...

You like those dark women with all their problems.

Those dark women? No.

They give you a hard time and you like. And you think I like that? Right?

No, you're wrong.

I'm telling you, I was thinking about a lot of unusual things on the weekend, and I feel much... I feel lighter. Do you know what I mean?

And I had a very, very remarkable idea for a new ending for my movie, you know?

We're on a train, and there are many sad people on it, you know.

And I have no idea where it's heading.

Could be anywhere. Could be the same junkyard. And...

But it's not as terrible as I originally thought it was, because, you know, we like each other, and we have some laughs, and there's a lot of closeness and the whole thing is a lot easier to take.

I don't like it. It's too sentimental.

So? But so what? It's the good sentimental.

That's what you... You know, it's... And you're...

There's this character that's based on you that's very warm and very giving, and you're absolutely nuts over me, you're just crazy about me.

You just think I'm the most wonderful thing in the world.

And you're in love with me, and despite the fact I do a lot of foolish things, cos you realise that down deep, I'm not evil or anything, just sort of floundering around, just ridiculous, maybe.

Just searching, OK? I don't think it's realistic.

Now? Now you're gonna bring up realism, after...

This is a hell of a time to...

I know one thing, that a huge, big, wet kiss would go a long way to selling this idea.

I'm very serious.

I think this is a big, big finish, you know?


It just killed me. Did you feel that? I think it was great.

I just can't believe the stuff he gets into. It's so deep.

All that stuff about life and how everybody should love each other.

I mean, he's telling us heavy, original things here.

He's always been heavy.

What did you think the significance of the Rolls-Royce was?

I think that's... It represents his car. Really?

I look fat. Fat? Come on, you're not fat.

I am. I mean, it's just so ridiculous. I'm gonna have to go on another diet.

I tried to play the role sympathetically, but the role was just too thin.

He said to me, "Wear this moustache, it'll be funny." So I listened to him.

You looked so beautiful. Thank you. But you can hear me?

Have you heard my English? Your English was fine.

By the way, I wanna ask you, did you find when you did kissing scenes with him, did he open his mouth and wiggle his tongue around?

And he never lets you go. The most irritating thing, right?

It's funny.

It's amazing, Rash. From this he makes a living?

I like a melodrama, a musical comedy with a plot.