Stark Raving Mad (2002) Script

[ Quiet Growling ]

[ Growling ]

When you get that break, you take it, right?


But when you get that break and you reach the top, savor it.

Take it all in and let them suck your dick... while you tell them how wrong they were for not believing you in the first place.

Then get out.

Quit. Exit.

[ Water Running ] And make sure to leave them wondering.

I was watching the Learning Channel the other day.

There was a special on Buffalo Bill.

You know, the great Wild West showman?

For years, this guy was the shit.

I mean, he helped tame the Wild West, and he made a lot of money doing it.

But he didn't get out in time, you know?

He tried to hold on. You just can't do that.

You see, at the age of 70 Bill was still doing Wild West shows, but for other guys' circuses...

'cause he was dead broke.

Big mistake.

They used to have to prop the old bastard on his horse, he'd do a lap around the center ring, then they'd help him off his horse and put him to bed for the night.

Real fucking impressive, Bill.

Well, not me. This is it.

After tonight I'm done.

No one's propping me on a pony when I'm 70.

Keep the boom-boom jungle music down to a reasonable level, all right?

Define "reasonable level." It's a fucking night club.

I don't have to define it. I'm gonna be here to enforce it.

You're gonna be here? I-- I thought you were taking off for the night.

I changed my mind, okay?

I'm regretting letting you guys talk me into this after-hours crap.

This is my club, so I'm gonna be here, all right?

Sure. Whatever. Yeah, that's cool.


Get a fuckin' thesaurus if you need it better explained to you.

[ Muttering Continues ]

[ Door Closes ] This ain't cool, man.

We can't have him here. He's gonna wreck the whole fuckin' plan, Ben.

We rented this space, that shitty... ass neck.

Don't worry about it, Rikki. We're in way over our heads. You know that, Ben?

This is too big. It's too complicated. It's not gonna end good.

I said don't worry, okay?

I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. You trust me, right?

We're fucked. All right?

This is the most nuts thing you ever thought of. It's too risky.

I don't care what Gregory wants, okay?

Now-Now we can't play the music loud? Let's go back to grifting.

Rikki, how do you think Gregory would react if we told him, "You know what? We're not gonna steal the statue for you." Huh?

We'd end up like Cheng One-Eye, that's all. I'll take care of Partridge.

Hey, Partridge. I need a big black marker. You got one?

I saw the way you and that little shit looked at each other when I said I was gonna be here.

You two are planning on breaking all sorts of laws tonight, aren't you?

I see anything that could get me shut down-- underage drinking, noise, drugs--

I am pulling the plug on your asses! Good.

Black marker. May I?

When I say, "Turn the music down," you say, "How much, Mr. Partridge?"

You got it? Relax. Okay?

Good God. The DJ we hired is really mellow. [ Clattering ]

A real peace-love kind of... Are you done fucking with me? guy.

You motherfucker! Fuck off!

I'll be right back.

Why did you shove him? I didn't.

I was just asking him not to touch my records. I was trying to help him--

Yeah, and that involved touching them, didn't it?

All right. Now that we're even, who the hell are you?

[ Laughs ] Is that like some kind of trick question?

Where's DJ Max? He couldn't make it.

People are coming to hear DJ Max. His name's all over the flyers.

All right. What's your name?

Steve Moulding. No, I mean your DJ name.

Oh. Oh, my DJ name. That would be Steven Moulding.

Look, asshole, you need a DJ name like... DJ Max has.

Who the fuck wants to hear Steven Moulding? I don't. Do you, Rikki?


Fuck you.

All right. DJ Fuck You it is. Rikki?

Bye-bye, Rikki. Bye-bye, DJ Fuck You.

[ Grunting ]

I want you to play the red record at 1:45 a.m. tonight.

Then play the blue one at 1:55.

Fuck it up, and I'll shoot your family.

[ Groaning ]

Have a good set.

Did you just grab his balls, Ben? Why? Are you jealous?


"X" marks the spot.

Okay. One more review, then it's show time.

Betty. Okay.

The bank alarm system is divided into three parts.

Two of them I can override in my sleep.

Only the third one concerns us. It's a sonic detector.

Once 6.0 is reached on this vibration actuator, the vibrations cause that third alarm to shut itself down.

For every precaution, there's an equal and opposite weakness.

Case in point: There's a bank behind this wall.

Three separate levels of alarms.

Unbreachable, right? Wrong.

Betty used to work for a software company designing security systems... for some asshole who couldn't keep his hands off of her software.

She got her revenge, though.

She discovered a bug in this particular bank's security system, and tonight she's exploiting it to make us all rich.

She may not be a seasoned crook, but where she lacks experience, she makes up for in heart and moxie.

That counts for a lot in my book.

As long as we keep that party upstairs loud as hell, we're fine.

Keep the music and the crowd hoppin', and the alarm is totally neutralized.

At 11:00, once the vibrations from the club neutralize that third alarm, I start drilling into the alarm nest in the circuit panel... so that Betty can reach the first two alarm systems and take them off-line.

Jake Nealson was big on the metal scene in the late '80s.

Pyro guy. Worked in all the huge tours.

Then grunge came along, and Jake found himself tending bar.

But tonight, Jake makes his glorious return to pyrotechnics.

He's gonna put a new door in the wall, and, uh, hopefully not kill us all in the process.

Okay, so maybe he's not a real demolitions man, but he doesn't owe allegiance to Mr. Gregory like every other real bomb guy on this coast.

And I gotta tell you, underneath that crunchy chocolate shell, Jake's a big, warm nougat of a guy.

Then once Betty's got those two down, I blow the wall to the bank, and in goes Jeffrey.

2:00 a.m., after Jake opens a new door in the wall, I hang a clothesline, go in over the sensors.

Jeffrey's our box man.

His family's owned the Pinkerton Safe Company for four generations.

Jeffrey grew up assuming he was next in line to take over the business, but his father felt that Jeffrey was a superstitious little fuckup, so the old man left the company to Jeffrey's younger sister.

Jeffrey swore he'd get his revenge... by breaking in to every safe his family ever designed, more or less proving his father right, come to think of it.

Anyway, he's gonna get a little closer to his goal tonight.

I hope.

At 3:50 a.m., I'm on my way out of the vault with the goods in my bag.

4:30 a.m., I get the bag to Gregory, and we are rich.

By the time the rave ends in the morning and alarms go off, we'll be long gone.

[ Betty ] Here. Okay, Rikki.

Like we talked about.

You get the rave loud, man. We keep it loud.

This has got to read above 6.0.

If it drops below that, the alarm reactivates, goes off, and we're fucked.

Six-oh, man.

You can do this tonight. I know you can.

And this is it. We retire.

Hey, Dirk.

Hey. Hey, girls.

So I guess I'll see you guys-- Oh, thank you.

Nice pants, asshole.

[ Women Laughing ] He thought you were serious!

Hey, Ben? Who's Cheng One-Eye?

One of Gregory's guys a few years ago.

Know how he got that name?

He lost an eye?

Come on, man. What the fuck!

You don't get the name Cheng One-Eye 'cause he lost a fucking ear. Right?

Right. I'm sayin', do you know how he lost that eye?

No. He tried to double-cross Gregory, that's how.

Remember Tommy Fingernails?

Yeah, sure.

Same thing.

Cheng used to have both eyes, Tommy used to have fingernails.

You fuck with Gregory, you get a nickname.

I don't want a nickname, Rikki.

Do you want a nickname?

I don't want a nickname, either. All right. Good.

When we get in there, don't say shit unless he talks to you, okay?

[ Sighs ] Okay.

You ready for this? I'm ready.

[ Door Opens ] [ Bells Jingling ]

[ Door Closes ]

Mr. Gregory. Hello, Benjamin.

I see you brought a friend. That's nice.

Please, sit.

So... this is Rikki?

Nice pants.

[ Sighs ] Ever had your fortune told, Rikki?

Uh... no.

Not-- Not really.

Give me your hand.

Sorry. Bad fortune.

Aah! Ow!

Ben! Get off me!

All right!

[ Rikki, Shaky Voice ] I'll be outside.

I asked you to meet me here alone. I was specific on that request.

Consider that a friendly warning.

Rikki reminds me of your brother.

I still feel badly about what happened to Kevin.

He had potential.

It pains me to force you to pay off his debts like this, but...

I am a businessman, after all.

Examples must be made.

This will go smoothly. As long as you're sure the statue's there.

The safety deposit vault next to it is one of my own.

I watched them move the statue in. It's there.

After this, I'm no one's errand boy anymore.

I'm cleaning the slate tonight.

You've talked a good game, Benjamin, but now it's time to deliver, isn't it?

It's all under control. Why don't you go back to your place?

Wait for you at home? Oh, I don't think so.

This place is 24 hours, right? Yeah, but it puts you--

Then shut the fuck up. If I want to be here, I'll be here.

It is now 10:00.

I'll be here until 5:00 a.m.

I expect you to be sitting in this booth, handing me the statue at that time.

You okay?

Uh, yeah, I'll be all right.

Let me look.

I'm sorry, man. I didn't know he was gonna pull any shit.

Let's get it cleaned up when we get back. Let's go.

There's another thing, Rikki.

Gregory's gonna stay here all night.

He thinks we're gonna try and dash with the statue. Oh, shit.

Oh. But we're not, right? Of course not.

This has got to go silky-fucking-smooth tonight, Rikki.

** [ Techno ]

** [ Continues, Faint ] [ Man ] I don't think so.

Let me in the fucking club, you piece of shit!

What's wrong? Fake I.D.

No, it's not. Sorry. You can't come in.

That's my real I.D. Bite me.

This doesn't look like just a dye job to me.

See, you're a brunette, and this I.D.'s for a natural blonde.

Oh, yeah? Does this look brunette to you?

[ Crowd Gasping ] [ Man ] Oh, my God.

[ Heart Beating ]


Don't be a dick, Dirk. Let her in.

[ Cheering ]

[ Cheering Continues ]

Oh, God.

What's wrong, Vanessa? Ben McGewan.

Asshole. Is he gonna follow me around all night again?

When do you think he's gonna get the hint?

I don't know. The brick through his windshield wasn't enough of a hint?


Looks like he's over you.


Hey, Ben. Did you order some transvestites?

Uh, 'cause they're here.

Oh! The S&M show.

It's midnight already?

Got a place for us girls to put our faces on?

Yeah. Glad you're here.

Rikki, take 'em backstage. Okay.

So, just curious--

How do you hide your dick and your balls?

** [ Muzak ]

What the fuck is that?


What do you mean "what"? I'm not listening to that shit while I work. Turn it off.

I can't. I have to have it on to work. It soothes me.

Well, blow jobs soothe me, but you're not giving me one while I'm working.

Not funny. That's not funny. You know that, right?

I gotta play this or I can't work. You're a little bitch.

Do you know that? You're a big fucking Mongoloid.

Both of you, shut the f--

Shut the fuck up.

Just leave the music on if it helps him, Jake. Damn.

[ Drill Whirring ]

Now what? Fortune Fish.

Fortune Fish. What the fuck is a Fortune Fish?

Fortune Fish. Never lies.

I use it before every job. Oh. Good.

For a second there I thought you were insane.

It's good to know you're just a fuckhead. Seriously.

Three years ago, I was with these guys, gonna break into the World Bank of Commerce down on Fourth.

Before we started, I consulted the Fortune Fish, and--

[ Betty ] And?

And what? [ Drill Stops ]

It flipped.

What does that mean? Doom.

Certain failure. I refused to go.

They went on without me, and guess what.

They're all doing 10 to 20 in Chino... because they, like yourselves, scoffed at the power of the Fortune Fish.


Shit. Oh, shit!

Man, it curled! Danger! Proceed with extreme caution!

Shit! [ Squeals ]

How are the, uh... girls?

Fine. They're gettin' dressed.

They said they have a snake guy comin'.

Why do the transvestites have a snake guy comin'?

It's part of the show.

There's a lot I don't know about transvestites, isn't there?

Oh, my God!

Ben! Ben, this place is stocked with beautiful women, and you're reading National Geographic.

You wanna see what we're stealing, or are you just gonna talk shit all night?

What does Gregory want with it anyway? Is he gonna sell it?

It's not the money in this one for Gregory.

Listen up. A little story for you.

Now, there's four statues total, okay?

Ping-I, god of rivers.

Fei Lien, god of wind.

Yen-Lo-Wang, god of earth and Chu Jung, god of fire.

The four elements.

Are you listening to me? You're doing this. I don't know what that is.

Yeah, I'm listening. You sure?

Yeah, yeah. The last man to own all four statues... was Emperor Han Wu-Ti of the Han Dynasty over 2,000 years ago.

Legend has it that when he controlled the four statues, he was master of the four elements.

Like He-Man. No, He-Man was master of the universe.

Anyway, Gregory's collected the other three.

When we get Chu Jung here, he'll be the first man to own them all since 87 B.C.

I didn't know Gregory went in for all that supernatural, superstitious stuff.

He doesn't, but the Chinese mafia he deals with every day sure as hell does.

Gregory knows that.

He knows if he has all four statues, it fucks with their heads--

Vanessa's here. You know that?

I'm telling you a story here, you're talking about Vanessa.

Yeah, I noticed. So you're gonna go for it... again?

No, Rikki.

Do you mind if I go for it?


Where you going?

[ Whirring ]

[ Powering Down ]

** [ Radio: Muzak ]


We hit 6.0 about 45 minutes ago.

What the hell is this?

Drugs? There's no drug use in bank robbery, Betty.

Don't blame me. The shit belongs to stoner boy.

Excuse me? Betty? Bite me. I work better stoned.

Besides, we had to calm down Jeffrey.

Why did Jeffrey need calming down, Jake? The Fortune Fish.

Danger. Proceed with extreme caution. [ Sighs ]

Hey! You gotta talk to Partridge, man.

He's gonna shut down the club. What? Why?

I don't know. He's just really pissed. Come on.

There you are, you piece of shit.

Tell me why anybody in their right mind would need to listen to music this loud!

What? I took a big gamble... letting you talk me into this after-hours bullshit.

I'm not licensed for this.

I get one call to the cops, they shut me down forever!

This is Chinatown, Partridge.

No one fucking lives here. I don't care. It's over.

What about our deal? Fuck the deal, and fuck you!

I'm pullin' the plug.

Oh, what? Are you gonna hit me with the bottle now?

Oh! You fucking did it! What's the matter with you?

Ow! You son of a bitch!

Shit, Ben. What?

I just can't have him shuttin' the music off.

Just find some rope and tie this sack of shit up.

I used to collect silver dollars when I was a kid.

I don't collect them. This is my lucky silver dollar.

You've got two lucky silver dollars?

No, only one. I just don't know which one.

See, I had a lucky silver dollar.

I kept it with me wherever I went.

Then someone gave me a plain old non-lucky silver dollar, and they accidentally got mixed up.

Same year, same mint.

So only one is your lucky silver dollar. Right.

But you can't spend either one because you don't know which one is lucky.

Gosh, Jeffrey. Why don't you just ask the Fortune Fish which one it is?

Geez, just when I think you can't be a bigger retard!

[ Electricity Powering Down ]

** [ Slows, Speeds Up ]

What the hell is that?

Someone's on the rag. You got more electricity--

Aah! See?

It's not our fault, dear. Your little house boy told us to do that.

How are we supposed to get gorgeous for your floor show without our hardware, honey?

Mitchell, I can't have the power going out.

Unplug that mess and get some extension cords. Jesus Christ, Ben!

You know what? We're getting ready here!

Look at you. Whoo!

Yeah! Like that. Like that!

Hey, Ben, man.

What the fuck? I was wondering if you'd seen Chad.

Chad? Yeah.

I don't know who you are. How the fuck would I know Chad?

You'd know Chad if you saw him. Oh, I would?

Okay. Why don't you go back to the lounge and sleep it off, pal?


[ Speaking Chinese ]

All yours, Betty. Wow.

Only an hour and a half late. Nice work, monkey man.

I take shit from Ben. I like him.

I should have the foundation alarms down in no time.

Make it quick. I was supposed to blow those holes over an hour ago.

If we're gonna pull this off, I gotta get the explosives in place.

Look, ass, you can't rush system hacking.

I got a lot of logic to untangle.

It's not like making holes in walls, so stop bustin' my ovaries.

Hey! Race cars! [ Betty ] What?

You know, race cars! [ Imitating Car Engine ]

[ Loud Banging ]


Were you staring at my ass?

What? No, I-- What?

Came down to get some smokes.

Are you having trouble with the machine?

Yeah. I don't have enough change.

And you were hoping that the machine would give you a pack... out of the goodness of its heart?

Mm-hmm. It works sometimes.

Well, I happen to know that that's a female machine, and... your feminine wiles won't work on it.


Um, how come you've been ignoring me all night?


Are you kidding me?

Oh, my God.

[ Scoffs ] Well, for one thing, I don't want to replace another windshield.

And... I'm busy.


I was, uh, kinda thinking-- Quarter.

[ Coin Drops ]


[ Rikki ] Oh, my God!

I am the queen of Truth or Dare!

Whoo! Ow! Thank you. Thank you.

You liked that?

[ Rikki ] Yeah, I did. Yeah. Wow. You can go next if you want.

How are we doing with that thing? Uh, great.

Um, no one's called me on my cell phone yet.

Okay, Rikki. Keep listening for that call.

Hey, you're next. Next what?

We're playing Truth or Dare, and you're up.

No. I'm running a club here.

I'm kind of busy.

Truth or dare?

Truth. Okay.

I got one.

If you were allowed to commit one... completely immoral, culturally unacceptable act of sin, and the next day no one would remember, what would you do?

Good question.


[ Excited Shouting ] Chad?


[ Man ] Come on, Chad. Let him go, man.

You're acting like an asshole.

You want me to take you home, you keep it up, mister.

Come on! Ruinin' the weekend again.

Hey, Ben. How you doin'?

Got a snake problem here, but I can talk him down... if you just give me a second.

That gets him upset.

Uh, Chad, you're gettin' into shit here.

[ Rikki ] Ben, where are you going, man?

What's his name? Chad.

Whoa! Easy, man! He's got a backbone, for Christ's sakes.

Can't you, like, sing to him or something? Sing him a song.

Sing him the magic snake song.

It's all right. Just part of the show. Come on. Be nice.

[ Rikki ] Just part of the show. [ Grunting ]

[ Rikki ] Whoa! Heads up! [ Screaming ]

[ Screaming ]

You all right?


This your wallet?

Yeah. Yeah. Thanks.

It went in the vent.

The snake went inside the vent. I got it!

Where does that vent go? [ Grumbles ]

What the fuck! [ Screaming ]

Shee! Aah! Christ!

Ben, you are not gonna believe this, man. Big snake. I know.

Watch out.

It's gone.

Must have went back up in the vent. Ben?

What? Remind me never to piss you off.

Yeah, so, uh, how's everything going down here?

It's good, Ben. It's good. Good.

That's really funny.

[ Snickering ]

Don't touch it.

Hello, Ben. Gregory wants to see you.

Now? He didn't specify now.

Usually implied with Mr. Gregory.

He'll have to wait. No.


Look, if you fuck with me tonight, that may cause me to make a mistake.

And if I make a mistake, the bank alarms will go off.

If the bank alarms go off, guess who Gregory's going to blame.


And if he gets mad at me and shoots me and I die, well, that's gonna suck.

After he shoots me and I die, he'll ask you guys to take on my debt.

Yeah. You know how the system works.

So if you want to fuck with me tonight, fuck away.

Just get out those checkbooks, boys.

Boo! [ Whimpers ]


This song sucks, man, but it's 1:45, and I'm playing it just like you asked me to--

I need you to play it again later. No!

I'll let you know when. Dude, you're not listening to me!

The song blows, okay?

People are gonna think it's my mix if I play this shit twice.

They're gonna think I'm shit!

I'll let you know when to play it again!

Help me, Jesus! Help me!

Hi. Fill it to the top.

All right.

Hey. Hey.

Uh, the name's Roy. Ben.

You know, Ben, there's, uh, this Chinese myth, says, uh, "When a man saves another's life, that man is indebted to him forever."

Yeah. I think I saw something on PBS about that.

So I want you to know, if there's ever anything you need, and I can help, you just let me know, all right? All right. Thanks.

Okay. Thanks again, Ben.

[ Muffled Grunting ]

[ Grunting Continues ] Partridge?


What the hell's goin' on, Ben? [ Muffled Grunting ]

[ Grunting Continues ]

[ Man's Voice On Record ] Master and slave.

[ Grunting ]

Sorry about that scare.

Partridge is a real method man. One of those, uh, Stanislavskys.

It takes all types, I guess, huh? Yeah.

Well, we'll see you around, Ben. Okay.

What is it?

I gotta tell you something about those guys. What?

I can't breathe, man.

I can't breathe. They're here for us. You know that?

They're gonna nail us, man.

I-- I can't breathe, man. You're gonna be fine.

How can you tell me I'm gonna be fine and then tell me there's undercover feds out there, Ben?

They're gonna catch on to us and throw us in prison, and then I'm gonna get fucked in my ass by some hairy greaseball named Otto.

I'm not gonna let Otto fuck you in the ass.

You know what? You're not gonna be able to help me fight Otto... because you're gonna be married on a completely different cell block, bent over a sink.

Yeah, with soap and shit.

We're gonna look like donuts by the time we get out on parole.

Rikki-- I can't do this, man.

I can't go out there and do this, okay?

We're not bank robbers, man.

If we pull out now, the alarms go off.

Besides, we don't know that it's us that they're here for.

Oh! Then why are they here if they're not here for us, Ben?

Someone else robbing a bank tonight? I don't know.

Aw, shit.

Oh, my God.

[ Ben ] Fuck.

Oh, my God! Oh! Listen, cook your chicken.

It always chills you out. I'll take care of this.

Relax and deal, Rikki. I need you tonight. [ Door Opens ]

I don't even want my chicken anymore, Ben!

Dirk, the line's all the way down on the street.

How come we're not staying full?

We're getting a lot of fake I.D.'s. It's all like jail bait.

So? Let 'em in, man. Let 'em all in. Huh? You're kidding.

Come on. Okay, let's go. They'll shut us down.

There you go. What the hell are you doing?

Single file. You no have club no more!

Lots of room for ya. Get drunk. Be loud! Be really loud!

Okay. All right. There you go.

You'll never promote a club again! I don't give a shit.

** [ Muzak ]

I'm winning. You can't win. It's a loop, idiot.

You just go around it. I'm ahead of you.

I was always the best at racing and I still am.

Three points! What do you mean, "three points"?

Three points! I passed you. That's three points.

Where the hell is that rule? There's no points.

It's racing. That's the way I've always played it.

It wasn't three points, motherfucker.

I just passed you. I get three points. No, you don't.

Why not? You bumped me when you passed. I get two more points.

Fuck you and your points! There's no goddamn points.

You just pull the trigger and make your car go around. Oh, fuckin'--

Thanks, asshole! Take a chill pill.

I'm trying to make up some lost time here.

How am I supposed to work with you picking on the autistic? Hey!

You know what? Fuck the both of you.

My cousin picked this up in Mexico last week.

Says it works like a charm. Right on, man.

You're so thoroughly immoral.

Immoral? This just lets her express herself. What's so immoral about that?

[ Loud Belch ]

Yoo-hoo. Ben, baby, honey, can you zip me up?

Oh, my God. Get back in there.

I can't wait to see what you guys do with that thing.

Oh, Maurice? He got the night off.

Ever since you volunteered your older friend to be our bitch boy tonight.

[ Door Opens ] [ Woman ] There you are.

So what is it?

What's what?

What's your truth?

You can't stop something you've already started.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Oh, shit.


Hey, man, uh--

Hey, Kitten. Hi. What is it, Rikki?

Jake! Jake?


Uh, hey, Ben. How's it goin', man?

What the fuck are you doing up here?

Just taking a little break, man.

Whoo! Rikki!

You're fucking fired!

You're kidding. You can't do it without me.

Yeah, but we can't do it with you now, can we?

What did you take? Don't know.

I drank some, uh, drink. [ Chuckles ]

I don't think that was gin in that thing, though, Ben.

[ Voice Breaking ] I feel love!

[ Ben ] Fine. You work stoned, then.

Get in the basement, bitch.

Get in the basement, bitch!

All right. Okay. Okay.

[ Hits Floor ] Fuck!

Hey, Ben!

Have you seen Jake?

I think I pissed him off!

[ Gurgling Sound ]

Ah! What? Jeffrey!

Holy shit!

Jeffrey! Jeffrey!

He's having an epileptic seizure. You're kidding!

Must be the lights.

Stick something in his mouth so he doesn't swallow his tongue, like a spoon.

Come on. Whatever you got. Hurry up.

[ Jeffrey Grunting ] Yeah, go.

There. Help me get him out of here, someplace where the lights aren't so crazy.

How 'bout downstairs? No!

I mean, how 'bout outside? He probably needs fresh air, right?

All right. Let's go.

So, uh, thanks for the help in there.

Michael Frakes.

Ben McGewan.

We should really get him to a hospital.

He's probably gonna be fine, but he needs to see a doctor.


Well, we can't take him to a hospital.

Why the hell not? The poor guy just had a fucking seizure.

Hold on.

There was this thing on Nova.

They discovered a totally isolated clan of people... in a remote region of Greenland.

They were living in a technologically medieval microculture.

The Untladhavns. Yeah, no kidding.

And when they sent in this cultural anthropologist, he discovered that these people never lied.

They didn't even have a word for it.


That's great for them.

But I bet the Untladhavns never found themselves in an alley with Jeffrey the epileptic, being held together by an F.B.I. agent... inches away from discovering the robbery that they'd planned for six months.

So fuck the Untladhavns.

Christian Scientist. What?

He's a Christian Scientist.

He doesn't believe in doctors, so he'll refuse any treatment they offer him anyway.

He thinks God will take care of him. You're kidding.

I wouldn't lie about something like that.


[ Scoffs ] Now what happened?

Don't ask.

Just make sure he doesn't swallow his tongue.

[ Door Slams ]

[ Moaning ] [ Scoffs ]


Aw, shit.

I hate cats.

I had one once.

Never came to me when I called it.

Finally made me so mad, I drowned it in the kitchen sink.

That's amazing, isn't it?

That it could make me that mad.

When I say I want to see you, I mean now.

Now. Not in 10 minutes, not a half an hour later. Now.

I just had--

Shut up.

You're getting cocky, Benjamin.

In this business, it doesn't behoove me to have cocky underlings.

Do I make myself perfectly clear? You may answer with one word.

Yes. Good.

Now, then...

I want a status report.

Everything's fine.

See? That wasn't so hard, was it?

[ Pats Shoulder ]

Be back here at 5:00.

[ Door Opens ]

[ Door Closes ] [ Snorts ]

[ Betty ] Okay, I'm done.

Better late than never. Let's make those holes.

Let's make those holes!

How is that ape supposed to use explosives in his condition?

Betty, shut up!

I work better stoned.

I don't know. He seems fine to me.

[ Rikki ] Yeah, I vote he does it.

Are you gonna be down here when he does it? Fuck you! No.

I'm hungry. Hey, Jeffrey.

Did you have a nice nap? Do you want to be a bank robber again?

How come you didn't tell me you're an epileptic?

Because then you wouldn't have hired me.


That's some fucked-up shit.

Rikki, go back upstairs.

Everybody else, get back to work.

So I'm not fired?

No, Jeffrey, you're not fired. You're just an asshole.

I'm starved too. Can we get some chow first?

Fine. There's a Chinese place across the street that delivers.

No! Garlic chicken!

Garlic! Chicken! Yes!

There you go!

Did I say pork?

No. I didn't.

Chicken. Thank you.

I want four orders of that.

Uh, two with wonton soup.

We're at 616 Empire Avenue.

Across the street from you!

Oh, thank you. Yeah. That's Ben McGewan.

Hi. What you doin'?

Food. You having a good time?

Not yet, hot pants. Wanna take a walk?

Thanks, but I'm kind of busy.

See, you still haven't answered your truth, and I say your time's up, so that means I get a dare.

Do you want to hear my dare?


Oh, you know, it's, um--

Yeah, I'm kind of busy, so-- I'm workin'.

And, you know, we really can't do this. Sure, we can. Watch.

Oh-- Oh, okay.

[ Zipper Unzipping ] I deserve this.


I should-- Kitten. Kitten, stop. Okay?

Trust me. You got no idea how bad I want this.

But not now. Then what about this?

No. Ben. Hi.

Uh, I-I was just coming down to, uh, see when the Chinese food was comin'.

But it kinda looks like you're already getting dim sum.

Fuck you, Rikki. It's nothing.

It's nothing? Fuck you, Ben.

Hey, Kitten.

[ Muffled Grunting ]

[ Door Opens ]

We're good. Let's do it.

It's that time.

Play that record again.

I think I might've lost it. Oh, well, I'll just play something good.

Play it again, or you're dead!

That's the song.

[ Beeping ]

[ Muffled Explosion ]

[ Door Closes ]

Still on-line. We're good.

Yup. One more explosion, we got ourselves a new door.

Knock, knock! Sorry about your soup, man.

Totally got jostled on the dance floor, and it got kind of screwed.

Who the hell are you? You ordered Chinese food, right?

Well, that's me. Chinese food delivery guy. Here.

Scott, is that you? Jeffrey Jay? Holy shit, man!

[ Both Laughing ]

How long has it been?

[ Both ] Six years!

So what are you doing now? Still robbin' banks.

Well, so what are you doing here? Robbin' a bank.

[ Scott ] Oh. No shit.

Hey, can I watch?

No. Fuck off! He can't.

He's seen everything.

You know what? Maybe I should fuck off. [ Betty ] No.

So ahead. Have a seat and have some Kung Pao Chicken.

I said have a seat and have some Kung Pao Chicken!

You be good now.

Oh! Oh, g--

[ Sighs ] Whoo!

Holy shit!


Whoo-hoo! What's up?

Oh, I'll tell you what's up. [ Laughs ]

Uh, guess what I just did.

Starts with the letter "F," ends with the letter "ucked."

No shit. Oh, yeah.

You dog.

So, who is she? Huh?

Oh, oh, she's, uh, just some-- just this hot, hot little blonde girl.

You know, just hot.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, these dirty little meat flowers nowadays, they'll just strip and jump your donkey anywhere.

Apparently, yeah. No shit! Yeah!

So, is she young? Yeah, kind of. Ooh.

I like 'em young. You like them young?

I like them when they're young, but they know their way around. You know what I mean?

Yes, sir, I do know. Yeah.


So, where is she now?

El baño. [ Chortling ]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh! 'Cause I was thinking, you know, maybe I'll get a little sloppy seconds, huh?

Rikki, I'm still purring.

Sure thing, Kitten.

Susan? Susan?



Ben! Please! Oh, God! Help! Help me!

[ Indistinct Shouting ]

[ Roy ] Wanna dance? We'll dance!

We're not done. We're goin' back to el baño.

You filthy fucking whore, piece of shit, cocksucker bastard!

Who called her meat flower? You did. I didn't call her-- [ Screaming ]

[ Yelling ] Hey!

What? What'd you do, Rikki?

What did he do? You wanna know what he did?

He had sex with my 16-year-old daughter!

Sixteen? [ Sobbing ]

Daughter? Yes!

I swear to God, she said she was 17. Ben, I swear--

Motherfucker! You stupid fuck!

This music sucks, man!

Can you play something more nasty?

I wanna get nasty!

[ Woman Grunting, Moaning ]

He's fucking with the song!

It's like you fucked part of me!

He's fucking with the song.

Don't anyone move! I'll be right back! Where are you going?

[ Moaning ]

[ Moaning Continues ]

[ Moaning Continues ]

Fuck! [ Explosion ]

What the hell was that? Sounds like it came from downstairs.

Beats me. I'll go check it out.

I'll go with you. That's okay. I got it covered.

What's the matter? You got a dead body downstairs or something?


What the hell is going on in here?

Oh, hey there. Got here as soon as you guys called about those electrical surges.

And who are you? Sparkz Electronics.

You guys hear that? Tiny little electrical pop.

Probably sounded loud as hell upstairs.

This fuse box has fuses in it and wires that go up.

And over here is a air duct, and that air duct is right behind the fuse box.

Together they probably made it very loud upstairs when the surges happened.

I'm gonna put some overtime in on this.

I'll have it ready for the kitchen in the morning.

I guess that explains it.

These are fuse lists.

I'll go over them, figure out which one it is.


Okay. Okay.

That's 11-C. Good. Good.

Who the fuck is this?

He came down here to deliver the Chinese food and saw everything.

I couldn't let him go. What the hell is going on up there with the record?

Rikki? Hey, leave Rikki alone, all right?

Oh, shit! Rikki!

[ Grunting ]

The myth! That old Chinese myth you told me about.

[ Roy ] Back off, Ben! [ Kitten ] Stop it!

I saved your life. I saved your life, Roy.

Now give me his.

[ Rikki ] Will you let go of me, please? Thank you.

This doesn't end here, all right?

I'm a federal agent, and I'm arresting his ass for statutory rape!

Come on. We're going home. No! Dad!

Okay, stop. No hitting.

Fuck you, Ben! This is all your fault anyway!

If I tell you the "truth or dare" answer, would you leave... for your dad?

Hey, Ben.

[ Coughs ]

I got her number, though.

That's good, Rikki. I got her phone number.

What was the truth you told her to get her to leave?

Uh, I told her I wish it had been me instead of you that got to be with her.

I'm sorry, man.

It's just-- I hadn't been laid in over a year, you know?

Stuff like this doesn't happen to guys like me every day.

Ah, don't worry about it.

Nobody's dead... yet.

I'm such a complete loser.

I said don't sweat it.

You know, things never went Kevin's way either.

But he meant well.

That's what counts, Rikki.


Who shot him?

I don't know.

Jin Sun. McGewan.

I told you if I caught you back in Chinatown again, I'd mail you back to Gregory one piece at a time.

Who does Gregory think he is?

I had an agreement with that guy.

Chinatown's mine.

What can I say, Jin Sun?

You got me by the balls here.

I'm just doing what Gregory tells me to do.

So let me get this straight.

You get that statue out of the bank vault at 4:30, but Gregory doesn't expect you until 5:00. Yeah.

Let me tell you what I'm gonna do for you, McGewan, because I like you.

I'm gonna let you finish your little gig in my neighborhood tonight, but you cut me in on the deal.

That's fine by me, but Gregory's not gonna go for it.

I'm pretty sure Gregory won't have much of a choice if I have the statue, will he?

I guess we have a deal.

I'll see you 4:30 a.m., Benji.

[ Speaking Chinese ]

Hey, thank you for saving us back there.

No problem. Anything for a Theta brother.

You realize you're an accessory to a pretty major felony, right?

That's cool. Just checking.

Okay, Jeffrey, we are way the hell behind schedule, so let's make time.

You know which vaults, right?

[ Laughs ] Yeah, of course.

[ Humming ]

[ Vanessa ] Ben? Are you down here?

Hey! Would you like to go for a drink?

Yeah. I thought you'd never ask.

Great. What are you doing in here?

Try to shove my head in a toilet again, asshole.

You look upset.

Gee, you think?

You know, you worry too much.

If you'd just relax a little bit, things would come to you.

Can I ask you a question? Mm-hmm.

I've been trying to get your attention for like a year now, and other than that night that you threw rocks and shit at my car, you haven't shown me the least bit of interest. And?

Why tonight?

Out of all the nights on the Christian calendar, why tonight?

I don't know.

There's just something about you tonight that's kind of cute.

I mean--

You know what? I hate you.

[ Laughing ] Yeah.

I hate you.

I hate women like you.

I hate women that look like you.

I hate mannequins that wear clothes that look like clothes that you might wear.

I hate your perfume and everyone that wears it.

I hate your friends because they get to be near you.

But most of all, I hate your bed.

Because every night I know that's right where I will never be.

PBS, last Tuesday night. The Australian Outback.

There was this bird called the Orindinkie.

You've heard about the black widow spiders eating their lovers after they mate?

It's got nothing on the Orindinkie.

You see, just after mating, the male chills out, takes a nap.

That's when the female comes up, rips open its chest... and eats its heart.

Scientists think she does this to insure that he never mates again, giving her offspring a better chance at life.

Me? I got my own theory.

I think it's because she's just a bitch.

So fuck you!

[ Scoffs ] Fuck you!

[ Moaning, Laughing ]

Oh, yeah!

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunting Continues ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Moaning Continues ]

It's empty. It's empty!

[ Door Slams ]

[ Jake ] No, Jeffrey, don't you do it. Don't--

Put the fish back!


No, no, no! Put it down, Jeffrey! Put it down!

Drop it!

[ Screams ] [ Jake ] Retard!

[ Groans ] [ Gasping ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Jake Groaning ] You dick!

Ben? Hey, uh, uh--

Look, Ben, you got a major problem, man. The vault's empty.


Ow! Ow!

I didn't even come yet, you asshole!

Is he dead? I don't think so.

If you look real close, you can see the little fucker twitch every couple of seconds.

[ Ben ] What about the second vault? [ Betty ] He never got that far.

When he got to the vault where the statue was supposed to be and it was empty, he lost his shit.

He was fine until he pulled that fish out.

Second vault? I thought you guys were stealing a statue or something.

We are. So the statue's in two safes?

No. The statue's in one vault. The other vault has--

Wait a second. Why am I explaining this to you?

I don't know.

Okay, think.

[ Yells ] The statue's gotta be in here!

Betty, jump the system, find out where they put it.

Look, I appreciate your help, but I'm giving you your out now.

Maybe you should get back to work.

The shit's about to hit the fan.

No way, man. Besides, they're closing in a few minutes, anyways.

Closing? What do you mean, closing? It's a 24-hour restaurant.

Spray for bugs!

You sent me to a restaurant that needs to close down to spray for fuckin' bugs!

Do you know how I feel about being this close to the scene?

It makes me very fucking uncomfortable!

Mr. Gregory, you didn't have to come here.

I have things under control.

Why don't I bring it to your office tomorrow morning?

You said yourself you've waited 10 years for this thing.

You can wait another night. [ Grunts, Groans ]

I trust you just enough to break into this bank and get the statue for me.

I do not trust you to put the statue in your car and drive it to my office.

Do I make myself clear? [ Grunts ] Yeah. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry! Look, if you're uncomfortable, why don't you go someplace nearby?

You know perfectly well there's not another place to wait in Chinatown.

You knew that place was shutting down, didn't you?

I know you, you little shit!

[ Groans, Panting ]

Okay. This office is yours.

I'll bring it to you once I get it.

You cross me, and you will wish you were dead, McGewan.

[ Ben ] Don't you get it, Rikki? It's over.

We're not gonna get the statue.

Gregory's gonna kill me.

And after he kills me, Jin Sun's gonna bring me back to life so he can kill me too.

It's over.

So you're quitting?

That's bullshit, Ben! It's total bullshit, man!

A couple of months ago, I was at your place.

I wanted to watch the Hustler Channel, but you made me sit there... and watch some shit fuckin' nature special you had on, remember?

[ Lighter Striking ]

About a bunch of gazelle or something, right?

It was some country I never heard of. Probably Africa.

Oh, my God, Rikki, I'm gonna die.

Yeah, I know, okay!

Just don't interrupt me anymore. I'll forget where I was going.

Anyway, the narrator was this English guy, and he had a stick so far up his ass, he could probably taste pine, you know?

He talked a lot of shit, most of which I forgot before he was even done talking.

I mean, who knew there was so much crap to talk about fucking gazelle, right?

Who actually gives a shit? Are you making a point here?

Yes! You see, lions... eat gazelle.

And the gazelles fucking hate that shit.

This narrator guy was saying that one day on the shoot... that a lion snuck up on the cameraman, right?

This camera guy, he was like a native.

He'd been doing this shit all his life.

The narrator said that there's one sure way to stop a lion from attacking you.

Don't turn and run.

See, that's what the gazelles do.

It doesn't work for them, and they get eaten anyway.

But this camera guy, he knew what to do.

Fucking charged that lion.

Just ran at that lion, stark-raving mad, screaming and shit, right?

Just charges the fucking lion. And you know what?

The lion turned and ran.


I don't know. [ Chuckles ]

You went into the kitchen, and I turned it to the Hustler Channel.

There was this special on it called "Beaver Boat."

Just like any other fishing show, you know.

But not exactly.

Instead of two fat guys fishing, it was these two naked babes.

[ Door Slams ]

You'll never believe what they used for bait, Ben.

Turns out something was wrong with the air-conditioning in the statue's first safe.

The statue's so old, they need to keep it at 60 degrees so it doesn't deteriorate.

So they moved it down here to a subbasement.

Controlled environment safes.

It's in safe B-2-63-54.

You can get to the subbasement through this electrical conduit in the floor here.


[ Sighs ] We've got 20 minutes to make everything happen.

Two safes to crack, no safecracker.

We could blow 'em open.

That's risky. If you pop the vault doors off, you could set off the alarms.

No choice. We're out of options.

How much grease you got left, Jake?

Two finger coils... for emergencies.

I'd say this just about counts.

What size doors are we talking about here?

Like wall safes. One foot by one foot each, maybe.

And you gotta pop a hole in the floor to get to the subbasement.

I guess it'll do the trick.

Who goes? Jeffrey's fucked.

One of us.

[ Jake ] I'll go. I know the explosives.

[ Betty ] Guess again. You're too heavy.

Jeffrey only had that cord set for 350 pounds.

[ Jake ] You go, then.

[ Betty ] Someone's gotta track the alarms. I stay with my laptop, pal.

[ Scott ] I can do it.

No offense, but when this makes the books... as the most fucked-up bank job in history... for all the mistakes that I did make, I don't want to be credited with sending the Chou-Wang food guy to blow the safe.

Ben, what do you weigh?

Uh, just 10 more minutes, I promise.


Ben's just, um--

He's just getting the statue ready for you.

He's cleaning it up a-and stuff, you know.

Where the hell is Ben, and what the hell is all this shit about some safe being empty?

Look, bitch, I don't know who you are or what you're cranked up on, but you better get outta here right now.

Blow me, Rikki. Tell Ben to fuck off too!

[ Door Slams ]

That's... drugs.

She's probably on some hard drugs.

All the hard drugs... that kids are doing these days at these parties--

All right. That's enough.

Hold him down.


Which is the way down, Betty?

Shit. Under Jeffrey.

Fuck me.

[ Jeffrey Groans ]

[ Man On Radio ] Michael, check out the southeast door. That could be our guy.

We're on.

[ Grunts ]

I'm gonna ask this once. That's all.

If you don't tell me what Ben is up to right now, you're going to find out exactly what happened to Ben's brother Kevin.

And then I'm going to find Ben and do the same thing to him.

We broke into the safe that we thought the statue was in, but it's not there.

It's in another one, and Ben's gonna bring it to you right now.

You expect me to believe that?

It's true! I swear to God! I don't know anything else!

I don't believe you.

Something's going on around here, and you know what it is.

No, there isn't. Nothing's goin' on, I swear.

Okay. I'll tell you.

Just let me up.

I can't breathe. Will you let me up? I can't--

Ever had your fortune told, asshole?

Time to go?

Yeah, it's time.

You don't have the balls.

For Kevin, I do.

[ Clicks ] [ Gasps ]

Oh, shit.

[ Grunting ]


Freeze! F.B.I.! Up against the wall, cocksucker!

Fortune Fish.

Oh, shut up!

Wait. Not yet.

I want Benjamin to see this.

Jin Sun, that little bitch.

I knew something was up. Come on.

What the fuck? Up against it, I said!

All right, you're under arrest, you piece of shit.

[ Goon Speaking Chinese ] This is fucked up!

There's more than one vault open. [ Jin Sun ] I know.

[ Goon ] It's all fucked up, man! He's taking us for a ride.

[ Jin Sun ] Would you shut up and let me think?

What the fuck is going on here?

You tell me, prick. You barbarian shitbag.

You think you can just shoot my guy, steal my property and get away with it?

Who the fuck do you think you are?

You talk big for someone who's operating in my backyard!

You put your fucking gun down. You put your fucking gun down.

[ All Shouting ] You put your fucking gun down!

Fuck you!

[ Shouting Continues ] Right now!

Who the fuck do you think you're talking to?

I'm not gonna fucking repeat myself!

Bring it! [ Shouting Continues ]


[ Crowd Screams ]

Put your fucking gun down, you fucking fairy!

Let's go!

[ Shouting Continues ]

[ Alarm Ringing ]

Come on! Drop your fuckin' gun!

[ Shouting Continues ]

[ Girl Singing ] * Sayonara What's going on, Gregory?

** [ Continues, Indistinct ] Where the hell is that coming from?

Down there.

* Sayonara

** [ Continues, Indistinct ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Betty ] Come on!

Come on! Let's go, guys!

Come on. Come on, Rikki.

Ben! Listen, you peep!

First of all, don't ever walk out on me like that again!

Second of all-- Who the fuck are you?

[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]

Okay, first...

I'd like you to tell us what the hell this piece of crap is.

Revenge. Huh?

Chu Jung, the Chinese god of fire and revenge.

[ Roy ] Okay, Gregory, thanks for the mythology lesson.

But that really only explains one safe, and we got a couple empty safes here.

Where's the money that was in that fucking safe? What money?

Hey, where'd we get all this money?

From Gregory's personal vault.

Oh, that's what you were stealing from the second safe.

What second safe?

Wait. Rikki didn't know about the money safe?

Sorry I had to keep it from you, Rikki.

I just figured you had enough on your mind.

Besides, if Gregory wanted to know what I was doing, I figured he'd find out from you and sometimes it's just better not to know.

[ Rikki ] That's all right. Whoa, whoa, hold on.

Why'd you fuck Gregory like that, though, Ben?

Because he killed Kevin.

I thought you didn't know who killed him.

So did Gregory.

Big mistake.

What did you do with the fucking cash?

Cash? Me? What are you talking about?

There was $2 million in there! Kiss my ass!

Look! I don't know what the fuck's going on here, but I do know that you two guys are in a bank vault, there's a hole in the wall, safes are blown, shit's missing.

You gotta trust me on this one, guys.

You're gonna go down. Now get 'em outta here.

[ Ben Narrating ] Wanna hear something great?

That was Gregory's laundered money we took from the safe, kept there under an alias.

[ Laughs ] The fucker got arrested for stealing from himself.

Couldn't do anything about it.

The feds have been trying to nail him for a long time, and this is just what they were waiting for.

Twenty years in Leavenworth, suckin' dick for cigarettes.

And Jin Sun? He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, and the feds tagged him too.

Gregory still blames him for everything.

You know, Jin Sun would have walked away clean if he hadn't tried to fuck me.

[ Speaking Chinese ]

The night turned out to be a pretty good night after all.

One of those memories that's better after the fact than when it's actually happening.

I mean, I got the money, I got revenge... and nobody got killed.

Hell, Rikki even got laid.

As a matter of fact, I got everything I wanted.

Even the girl.

Okay, maybe not the girl.

But everything else.