Stay Tuned (1992) Script


Douglas, i can't understand why you're so angry.

We caught the fish.

Ha ha.

A good-sized critter, I might add.

You just don't get it, dad.

I don't care. I never wanted to come here.


I could be in palm springs with wanda right now.

Instead, i'm stuck out here--

Needs more butter.

...Talking to the fish!



[doorbell rings]

Murray, get the door!

I've grown out of these trips.



I don't want to be the great white hunter.

Sorry to disturb you at this hour, mr. Seidenbaum, But you have been personally selected To receive a most...

Irresistible offer.

Giving me instructions Like i was still a little boy.

I didn't realize you felt like this.

I'm surprised you didn't say anything before this.

Murray, what are you doing back there?


[electronic noise]



My name is darryl knable.

I'm a normal kid who led a pretty normal life...

Until that night.

[announcer] it looks and feels natural, Whether you're skimming the surf Or racing the wind on a cruiser for two.

And remember, we stand behind it.

I'm not only the hair club president, But also a client.

[darryl] in describing my dad, several names come to mind--

Bill cosby, alan thicke, The brady bunch father.

My dad watched all of them.

In fact, he watched anything on tv all the time.

They say the average american Watches 7 1/2 hours of tv a day.

If that's true, there are two guys who never watch, And my dad took their times.

Perhaps i shall one day.

You have some dispatches for me, captain?

I have some dispatches for the queen.

Prepare to taste corsican steel.




It's late.

Yeah, i know. I'll be up in a minute, honey.

[swords cross]

I'm thinking of renting out Your side of the bed.


Don't get me wrong.

I like tv just as much as the next person.

It's just there are more things you can do with it Than only watch it.

For instance, you can also make money with it.

We interrupt this broadcast for a special report.

Young electronics genius darryl knable Has just won the nobel prize.

Oh, you dipstick.

For secretly videotaping his sister diane French-kissing with her boyfriend chris.

We're talking tongues here!

For copies of this tape, send $3.00 to...

Darryl knable, 1532 blue jay court--

Hey, knable, your kid's messing up my tv reception again.

And your dog's messing up my dichondra.

Rivets didn't do that.

Then there's a brontosaurus loose in the neighborhood.

Bad dog. Bad, bad doggie.

I'm going to call the fcc!

The fcc!


My mom was a big-deal advertising executive With a vitamin company.

My dad had this real suck job selling plumbing supplies.

I heard them arguing one night, And she said he was suffering from Something called a mid-life crisis, Whatever that is.

He said he wasn't.

She said he was jealous of her success.

He said he wasn't.

They argued a lot.


So that's my dad, Going to his pretty normal home After his pretty normal day at his suck job, Ready to watch his tv.

That brings us to that night i was talking about.

That's when everything changed.

[woof woof]

I love you.

I don't care who loves who--

I won't play the sap for you.

You killed miles, and you're going over for it.

Wait, wait, wait. Where are you two going?

Mom, remember?

Oh, right. You're spending the night with friends.


No boys.

Mother, i am not a child.

Mm-hmm. You go directly to tracy's, you understand?


Mom, you know my friend billy stephan?


Well, his dad moved out for a while.

Then his parents went away and sat in a hot tub all weekend.

When they got back, billy's dad moved back in And things were all better.

Did you plan this so your dad and i could be alone?

We don't know how much that hip bruise he got--


Hi, helen.

I have an idea.

You know how proud i am of you-- pass it!

Let's go away.

Go ahead. I'll be there in 4 minutes and 16 seconds.

Roy. Roy, listen.

Let's go away like we used to, To the mountains.


Just the two of us.

No phones, no kids, no tv.

No tv?

They don't have tv there.

Is there a plug?

This is abnormal.

Honey, you're just shutting yourself off From everything and everybody.

Are you having problems?

Is--is it me?

Yes! No.

Is--is it work? Are you having trouble at work?

Of course not. What makes you say something like that?

Shoot, you idiot. Shoot.

The one thing we always promised each other Is that we would remain honest.

We are honest with each other.


You say that i'm shut off, That--that i can't open up to you, That i'm closed down.

O.K., well, i'm going to tell you something That's--that's very important to me.

I'm going to be completely honest.

I just don't want you to take this the wrong way.

Oh, roy, talk to me. I can take anything.

We're in double overtime here.


Watch tv.

Thanks, sweetheart.

Could you move just to--

This is unbelievable!

You couldn't listen to me for two minutes Without that stupid television being on!

When i married you, you were a doer.

Now all you are is a watcher!

[announcer] he gave it away to drexler.

Drexler fouled at mid-court.

Oh, roy?



The tv!

[paul henreid] i was afraid You were keeping tina out of pity, But that wasn't pity just now.

Now i know you still love me.

It won't die, what's between us.

Do what you will--

Never happen.

Ignore it, neglect it--

No further developments in the disappearance Of murray and sarah seidenbaum of oakview.

Police are still baffled and report they have no clues.



Your boring little life Is about to become Much more exciting.

[doorbell chimes]

Mr. Knable?

Sorry to disturb you at this hour, But you've been personally selected To receive a most irresistible offer.

I'm busy.

Wait, mr. Knable. I have something you want--


From all your failures and woes, At the touch of your thumb...

On this.


Go ahead.


Your new controller.

Your passport to the ultimate television adventure.

Cute place.

You fence!

Oh, i used to.

Did you ever, uh, kill anyone?

Of course not. Look, mr., uh...


At your service.

What exactly is it that you're selling?

Mmm! Attractive. The little woman.

You two having difficulties?

Well, i don't see how--

I know all about you, roy.

Success, it's like a fly buzzing around your head.

You reach for it, you grab it, And all you get is... Nothing!

You're tired of nothing, roy, So you want to hide from everything, But she gives you heat, right?

Roy, wait till she gets a load of this--

600 and 66 channels of heart-pounding, Skull-blasting entertainment.

Comedy! Drama! Hot-oil aerobics Like nothing you've ever seen, brother.

Unlimited entertainment, snatched from the ether And slammed into your brand-new 44-inch, 900-line resolution, 3-way expanded-matrix, Dolby stereo tv, right here, roy.

A new tv?

Straight from the temple of high-tech.

Make this thing look like a philco.

Some people would give Their souls for a system like this.

Just sign here. We're in business.

I--i can't.

All right.

Good night, mr. Knable.

Did i mention, uh...

Free trial?


Well, roy, all set for the tv adventure of a lifetime?

Now remember...

You'll have to adjust the dish To fine-tune reception.

Like this.

Enjoy your new system, roy.

We'll be in touch.

Ha ha ha!

That was a dead end!


[spike] ha ha ha ha!


Ho ho ho ho ho!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!


Now, honey, just keep an open mind.

There's no obligation. I got it on a free trial.

It's a whole satellite system, over 600 channels.

¶ i hate to leave you ¶

¶ but i really must say ¶

¶ oh, good night, sweetheart ¶ Wednesdays at 9:00...

The salesman said we'd get a lot of shows You can't get on regular tv.



I don't want this anymore!

[announcer] we thought it would be funny, If our bob, dressed as a policeman, Would tell a perfect stranger Her husband is dead.

Mrs. Cecily barth?


Your husband's name was steven barth?


What do you mean, was?

Did your husband drive a 1978 chevrolet impala?

What are you saying?

Has something happened to my steven?

[announcer] watch her reaction to the bad news.

I'm afraid so.

Ah! Aah!


It's all right.

[announcer] i think it's time for mrs. Barth To be let in on the fun.

Mrs. Barth, look across the street At that van behind me.

Look really carefully.

Is that, uh...

It's a camera, yes.

Then...You mean...

Yes, mrs. Barth.

You're on...

Sadistic hidden videos?

And you're...Bob.

Ha ha ha ha!

I'm on tv?

Uhh! Oh, you guys!


The dish needs adjusting.


That'll improve the reception!


Oh, yeah, roy?

Well, how's this?


You receiving this?

Are you getting this?

Will you stop it?

I am leaving you, roy.


I want a man who'll touch me rather than his remote control.

Please hang on a second.

We have to talk!

It's too late to talk!


Fasten your seat belts, folks.

It's going to be a bumpy ride!

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha.

And welcome back to...

You can't win! You can't win!

Now let's welcome our new contestants Roy and helen knable!

Do you know the rules of our game?

What game?

The game with these great prizes.


Feast your eyes on this--

The all-new nappa-crapper 9000.

You'll never have to get off your fat butt again.

It has every amenity--

A built-in color tv.

It adjusts to you so you don't have to move.

No more trips to the kitchen during commercials.

Better yet, no more annoying trips to the bathroom.

Your television viewing never has to be interrupted, And of course, win or lose, Every contestant takes home a set of encyclopedia satanica!

And now it's time to play...

You can't win.

Back to you, guy.

Roy, the first question's for you.

On your last wedding anniversary, You missed the romantic dinner your wife had planned.

The reason, a--car trouble.

B--you were running a marathon.

C--you were in a bar Swilling a beer, watching...World series.

Car trouble, just like i said!

No! Can you take it?

You were watching baseball?

That's right!

Trust me, babe. You walked into the right place.

Very cushy down here.

You can cool your heels in here for the rest of eternity If you kiss the right ass.

These lips ain't calloused for nothing!

Ha ha ha ha!

Are you some kind of comedian?

I once opened for liberace in vegas.


This is the jumbotron.

It's got all the bells and whistles.

It's our official scoreboard.

Keeps track of the sbis.

Souls batted in.

Ha ha ha.

Kind of a sports thing.


Time for the seidenbaums, sir.

Punch 'em up.

Mmm... The seidenbaums.

Yearning for exotic locales.

This episode takes them to tokyo.

They're having a wonderful time Starring in their own movie.

It's the seidenbaums versus...

The gigantic stinking-footed lizard!



Sayonara, mrs. Seidenbaum.

That's entertainment.

Oh, he's good.

He's so good.

Ha ha ha!


Sir, this is pierce, our new, uh, intern.

If you can't stomach the sight of blood--

It's not the blood i find distressing.

It's your lack of subtext.

Film school graduate.

Yes, sir.


I did my thesis on kurosawa and spike lee.

Mr. Pierce, let me educate you about our organization.

Here at hellvision, We've turned the process of soul acquisition Into an entertainment extravaganza, And all for the benefit of one very demanding viewer below.

The boss himself, And i don't mean springsteen.

He has an enormous appetite for misfortune.

It is our job to supply him with an eclectic offering Of light amusements, not subtext!

Don't go away, knables!

It's time for... The final question.

What's that mean?

The pit! The pit!

Yes, the pit!

And what's down there today, jay?

Lots of slimy, crawly bad things, guy.


Now you have 10 seconds To answer the question correctly, or be...



So the object's to get to the end--

The object's to kill them before the end.

Take the knables, for instance.

They just checked in.

If they survive 24 hours, they go back.

Part of our treaty with the other side.

Kind of a geneva convention In the war for souls.

Ha ha ha ha!

Name the person who's recently been seeing A former lover.

Is it, a--roy?



Or c--roy and helen?

I know, i know.

The former lovers we've been seeing are each other!




We'll be back with the knables' vacation round Right after this!

How long do they usually last?

Whether they go quickly or not, In the end, they always join us.

You're forgetting that wiry little peruvian chap.

A mistake, mr. Crowley, that won't be repeated.

Hey, it wasn't me that loused up. Jeez.

Are you implying that if was my fault?

I'm kidding!

You know me.

Always joking.

I think, mr. Crowley, it's time for a little...Field work.





Why don't i take you to lunch?

We can sit down. We can--

Oh, boy.

Hey, spike, come on.

You know me.

Heh heh heh.

Chronic foot-in-the-mouth disease.

I don't want to do field work.

I'm executive material.

I belong here with you.


Screw up in here, and you're dead meat...

Dead meat.

Mr. And mrs. Knable, It's time to find out Where you go on your fantasy vacation.

Door number 1 it is!

What is going on?

You're going on the trip of a lifetime!


[bell dings]

Ladies and gentlemen, The main event--

Mixed pairs wrestling.

No holds barred.

No transfusions allowed.

A battle to the death!

This has got to be a dream.

It's a bad dream.

In this corner, roy "the couch potato" knable And his wife helen the harridan!

I gotta wake up.

And the challengers...

The vilest and evilest duo Ever to disgrace a wrestling ring...

That ogre and ogress... The gorgons!


Oh, my god. Oh, my god.


Calm down. Stay calm.

Couch potato, come on.

I--i think he means us.

Excuse me. We're not suppose to be here.


O.K. Everything goes--

Maim, murder each other, i don't care, But keep it clean.

When the bell rings, kill or be killed.

Do we look like wrestlers?

We have no idea why we're here.

I'm a senior product manager for a vitamin company.

Senior product manager?

I got a promotion.

Why didn't you tell me?

Roy, you know why.


Because my success threatens you.

Your success does not threaten me.

It does, too!

[bell dings]


I've watched enough wrestling to know It's all fake.

No one ever gets hurt--

Aaaahhhh! Rrraahhrr!



Not fake.

It's not fake.

Run for your life, helen--quickly.

Helen, hold me...



Watch, mr. Pierce. See how it's done.

The exhilarating end of a tedious life.


Get up. Get up!

Here comes that gorgon girl to finish the job.

Leave him alone, you bitch!


I apologize.

You're probably really not a bitch.

Roy, get up!

The gorgon's in the seats!

He's history!


You know, for a full-figured woman, You really wear that outfit well.

Help! Ow!

Whoa, nellie! Cat fight!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

This could be the end.


My hair!

Looks like that pathetic loser Isn't going to be as easy as we thought.


What happened?

We won.

Or rather, i won.

Knables! Knables!

Knables! Knables!

Knables! Knables!

All right, you won, too.

Damn right.

And your success does not threaten me.

It does, too.

Totally wicked.


[door opens]

Where's mom and d-- oh, my god.

Dad must have gotten it last night.

How did james dean really die?

Find out tonight on autopsies of the rich and famous.

The usual, sir?


[ride of the valkyries plays]


Welcome to northern overexposure, The story of a young doctor from new york Who comes to alaska, complains about everything, And freezes to death.

Hello! Yoo-hoo, mister!

Stay away! These are my holes!

Back off!

Oh, knable, it's only you.

How does he know our name?

Trying to find a conduit out of here.


Yeah. A window to the next channel.

If you think i'm spending the rest of eternity here, You're crazy!

[wolf howls]

Here it is! Here it is!

This is it!


The shack!


Helen! Helen!

Hey, mom and dad left us a note.

Give me that.

"dear kids, had to leave for a while.

"will call tomorrow to explain.

Love, mom."

Killer! The house to myself!

They did it.

They went away, just like billy's mom and dad did.

And now it's your turn to go away, dweebnik.

Shelley, it's me. Guess what?


What are you doing?

Did you see that?

That dish, it ate my bmx.

Is this some kind of male puberty thing?


Let me get this straight.

We've been sucked into some kind of tv world?

Are you saying that that salesman was--

Mr. Spike--

Mephistopheles of the cathode ray, Big brother to the ungrateful dead.

If we ever cross channels again--ho ho ho!

Roy, how could you?

I thought i was buying a tv.

Oh! This is just great.

This is great.

You wanted to live in a tv fantasy?

You got your wish.

At least we're not dead.

Not yet.

Stay alive another 15 hours--

Bingo. Free pass back to reality.

The odds of making it are--


Oh, my.

The cold's no place for a stiff.

Oh, my god.

Don't panic.

I got us into this, i'll get us out.

Your leadership skills couldn't get us out of a t-shirt!

[doorbell chimes]

I'll get it!

Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi. Come in.

I don't believe in out-of-body experiences.

That's because you hold your emotions back.

Do not.

What do you think of this color?

That's all right.

I don't think it really goes in here.

Clashes with the bars.

You can't really say you're an expressive person.

What do you think of this color here?

Clashes with the bars.

See? I told you.

Coming this fall...

¶ row, row, row your boat ¶

¶ gently down the stream ¶

¶ merrily, merrily, merrily... ¶ These kids are driving me crazy!

Wish there was some way to shut them up!

[announcer] for those long, tedious car trips, you need...

The silencer of the lambs.

Driving will never be the same.

Silencer of the pets sold separately.


My bike.

That's my bike.

You saw a bike like yours on tv.

So what?

Not a bike like my bike.

My bike! Come on.

Stop it! Leave me alone.

Look, there's something else.

I found this on the ground near the dish.

Mom's watch.

It stopped at 10:30.

This is going to sound totally crazy, But i don't think Mom and dad went to the mountains for the weekend.

Come on, diane!

Look, i'm sure it's nothing to worry about, o.K.?

Now leave us alone!

Diane, whatever you do, Don't go in the back yard, o.K.?

Don't go in the back yard!

If you'll excuse me, I'm off to warmer megahertz.

Going to find a channel with sun, Funny drinks with those little umbrellas, And maybe a dog track.

All clear.


Hey! Aah!

I'm already dead! Save her!

We got to get to that conduit!

Roy, it's getting worse!

Wait, wait, wait. I got an idea.

Push! Come on, now.

There it is.

There it is!

Come on.




Wherever it leads can't be any worse than this.



Couldn't be any worse, huh, roy?


Oh, my god!

We're cartoons.

Boy, this is strange.

Strange? I'm an animated rodent Wearing high-heeled running shoes.

The word "strange" is somehow lacking.

At least we're safe here.

No one ever dies in cartoons, right?

Ralph, i left some food out.

I hope it doesn't attract any mice.

Don't worry. That new device is guaranteed.

No rodent stands a chance in there.

Stay tuned.

How can you even think of eating doughnuts At a time like this?

Should i look for some oat bran? I'm starved.

If you don't come down, i'm leaving.

Where you going to go, your cartoon mother's house?

I am warning you, roy.


Wow! These things are as big as buicks.

I'm gone. That's it.

I said we're through, and we are through.

I can do better on my own.

I am not a mouse. I'm helen knable.

I have an mba.

I live at 1532 blue jay court.

I have two beautiful children--

Who i may never see again.



Warning--you are trespassing in a human habitation.

The penalty is death.

My doctor was right.

Doughnuts will be the death of me.

[whistle blows]

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Would you let go of me?

You have to see this.


This will work. It worked on macgyver.

What are you talking about?

Can't you see?

It's mom and dad in the cartoon.

Very funny, pus-head.

Diane, you've got to believe me.

Kids, don't try this at home.

I think we lost them.


For a mouse, you, um, look pretty sexy.

Too bad you didn't like the way i looked When i was human.

I always did.

News to me.

I'm sorry.


Come out with...

Look! Roy, turn! Turn!

Helen, wait!

This is one clever pussy.

I've watched enough cartoons.

How would an animated character Handle this?

This will put a permanent crease in his shorts.

[doorbell chimes]

Identify yourself.




I'll never get out of here.

Deeb-a-deeb-a-deeb-- that's all, folks.

I've lost the feeling in my arm.

All of a sudden, i can't see anything.

Uhh! Oh!

Sundays at 8:00...


Where did he go?

Duane's underworld.

Duane's underworld.

It's partytime! Excellent!

[guitar riff]

Welcome to duane's underworld, o father of lies.

I'm your excrement host duane, And with me as always is my slightly decaying cohost garf.

Wifto! Wifto!

Party eternally, garf.

Party eternally, duane.

All right. Today we have a special guest, A man who can't even sell plumping supplies.

Shhyeah! Like no one uses a toilet.

Mr. Roy knable.

Salutations, o mighty failure.

Mr. Knable, before we get started, Tell me what you see on this card.

I...War ship...Satin?


Now, i understand You're searching for your lovely wife helen...

Who i truly believe you will find, Because good always conquers over evil...

Not! Not!

In order to assist you in your efforts, We have located a photograph of your wife To show our viewers.

Where did that come from?

She's a vixen, mr. K.

Beezle-babe! Tent pole!

Lady knable, we salute you.

Schwing! Schwing!

And your daughter's pompoms, They're delectable, too, man.

You creeps!

Uh-oh. Extreme close-up on mr. Knable.

Oh! Oh!


One more time!

Man, i'm getting dizzy.

I could hurl.

No. Chew it back, man.

Now the red-hot-poker- in-the-eye cam.


I'm black and white.

Hello. Testing, testing.

"roy knable, private dick."

Well, better than being a public dick.

O.K., i'm in some old movie. Must be on cable.

I've been watching these things my whole life.

I should know what to do.

Be like bogart, like in the maltese falcon.

I'm on a case. I got to find helen.

Got to find the clues.

Got to find out how to use this thing.

[intercom buzzes]

Mr. Knable, you've dropped your gun again.

I know!

[knock on door]

Roy, is that you?

Sir...Great news.

Your new class of recruits--

We've taken possession of all of them, Except two, sir.

Oh! I know that, you postulating putz!

They've just been lucky, that's all.

Have they?

You know, the strain of your job Must be tremendous.

Ever considered taking a vacation, Letting someone else take the burden off your shoulders?

Someone else?


I'm flattered you'd even think I could fill your shoes.

But i'm ready to try, sir.

[announcer] and now...Get in shape with the exorcisist.

Come on, people, let's get in shape.

Come on. Make it burn.

Feel it burn.


Good, doreen.

O.K., everybody, head spins.

With me.

Ready, go.

Very good. Very nice.

I like it.

O.K., that's good.

Cool down. Shake it out.

O.K., now vomit.

[announcer] kids, now there's a new beer just for you.

It's got no alcohol, But it'll make you act just like dad.

[burp] give me another one, babe.

That's my boy.

Yogi beer. You'll be just like your dad.

[channel changer beeps]



Get away from the dish.

Darryl, what is with you?

Get lost.




5, 6, 7, 8.

5, 6, 7, 8.

5, 6, 7, 8.

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!

Darryl, what are you doing?

Darryl! Oh, my god!

Guys, wait! It's not my fault my brother's a creep!

[door slams]




You're pizza topping!

Wait. Mom and dad are here.

They're home?

Well, not exactly.


See? That's dad.

That is not dad.


That looks like mom.

It is mom. That's what i've been trying to tell you.

Our parents are trapped in television.

Oh, wow.

"classy dame vanishes.

Last seen at club seidenbaum."



That name is famil--

Oh, my god. Murray seidenbaum.

He lives right near me.

He borrowed my lawn mower.

[beep beep beep]

Obviously, we're dealing with something Of a supernatural nature here, diane.

I mean, this thing, it did not come from radio shack.

Yeah, so you're the smart one. Think of something.

O.K., um...

What goes in a dish and winds up on tv?

My bike...

Our parents...

Follow me.

Hey, not my stereo.

I need the parts.

Go downstairs and watch them.

Keep track of them.

Ho ho. Nice work, boys.

Glad you could join me, mrs. Knable.

Didn't have much choice.



Where's my husband?

Why worry about him?

I ditched my wife five channels ago.

She happened to meet the business end of a 50-ton reptile.

And i can tell you, I don't exactly miss dried meat loaf.

This is great here. Great.

I don't ever want to get out.

Outside, i was murray the doormat.

In here... Boss seidenbaum.

Brought my remote in with me.

Gets too hot--bam, i'm on another channel.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Aah! Aah!

Oh! Oh!

You're not coming in here!

Euh! Euh!


Well, look who showed up.

Where's my--

Hello, roy.

Helen, you're all right.

You-- you look terrific!

Oh, really?

Hey, seidenbaum! I'm taking over your business!

Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah!



All i wanted was to be the big shot for once.

Take my remote. Get out of here.

You two still got a chance of making it together.

There it is!

No, no, stay down.

This is my job.

Piece of cake.

O.K., ready?

[channel changer beeps]


Oh, my god. I lost them.

The next item we have for you on the...

Dad, where are you?

And now the all-new miniseries about the french revolution...

The story of the marquis de knable, An enemy of the people, Who wears a disguise to escape the guillotine.

It's an epic drama of love, danger, and cross-dressing.


You have boobs.

Oh, they're not mine.

[shouting in french]

Psst! Hey, knables.

Nice disguise.


Interesting concept, diagonal boobs.

Could you fix that thing?

Thought the wolves got you.

Tell you something about wolves--

Vicious? Goes without saying.

But not that bright.

While those dumb bunnies were fighting over my appendages, I managed to escape.

Liberte, citizen. Vive la france!

Power to the people!

Ha ha ha ha! Come on.

Personally, i think he's losing it.

What a pathetic thing to watch.

Only 2 hours left, and your 24 hours are up.

All you got to do is lie low.

[speaking french]

Les cops. Les cops.

Inside. Inside.

I'll find a conduit out of here.

Bonjour. Nice day for an execution, non?

[the marseillaise plays]

Stay tuned for the final chapter of off with his head, When the marquis de knable finally loses his.



We got to jam.

[beep beep]


Well, we've always wanted to go to paris.

In the 20th century.

Since we're here, we might as well make the best of it.

Make the best of it?

This is the french revolution.

People are trying to kill you.

If we get out of this, things will be different.

I won't just be a watcher.

I'll be the man i was when we first met.

You weren't blond then, and you wore a lot less make-up.

[darryl] aim it at the center of the dish!

You are both under arrest!

For what?

For being too beautiful And without proper escort.

Ha ha ha!

Garcon, more wine!

[beep beep]

O.K. Tv's connected to the dish.

Now we go for contact.

There's no interference.

Nothing's getting through.

We need more power.

I'm going to cop some juice.

Be careful.

This woman is not who you think.

She is wanted.

Of course she's wanted, you fool!

By me!

My cherie...

You inflame me.

I never kiss on the first date.


Ooh! Naughty boy.

This has been a kick, fellas, but we've got to go.

No, no! Come back here, sweetheart!

Keep your hands off her!

Your hair's so beautiful. May i have a lock of it?


Oh! Oh!

Why don't you keep the whole thing?

I tried to tell you!

It's the marquis de knable!

Enemy of the people!

I knew that!

Marquis de knable...

The guillotine awaits!

I would have given you chocolates.

[beep beep]

Kill the marquis! Kill the marquis!

I'm telling you, i'm not a marquis!

I sell plumbing supplies in seattle...




Roy! Roy!

I love you.

You guys are making a big mistake.

I'm not even a member of this country!

Darryl, you'd better hurry up!



Kill the marquis!

Hi, fellas, i loved you in star wars.

Can we just talk for a second?

Oh, my god. Holy--

Oh! Could we--





Any last requests?

Yeah. How about the long version of stairway to heaven?

I'm afraid that is not where you are going.







Here, catch!

Wait! An innocent man's blood is being spilled!

Good point.

Better back away.

This one, he could be a gusher.

By order of the court...

Looks like spike's going to make his quota after all.

I deliver the marquis de knable's soul To its rightful owner!

Finally, he's mine.

How come he dresses like a woman?

I do that sometimes.

Kill the marquis!

Dad, can you hear me?

Darryl? My god!





Right, god?

Tell the infidels to release him.

What's an infidel?

I don't know.

Tell them to release him!

Tell them!

Um...Um...Release the marquis.

You heard him. Get me out of this.

What's happening?

[beep beep]

Who's messing with my programming?

[beep beep beep]

You--the weenie in black--

You, dork--

At the wheel--

Yeah, you!

Release him!

I am the voice of--

Ohhh... Oh, roy!

We beat spike! We did it!

I would have given an arm and a leg to see this!

In fact, i already did!

Ha ha ha! No, it's...

Not possible.

[beep beep beep]

[alarm warbling]

Sir. Speaking for the staff...

We'll all miss your kind words and inspiring leadership.

Ducker, contracts--


There was a protest Filed on the knable case.

A verbal contract binds only those parties personally making the agreement.

Therefore, the contract can only be for one person.

You took two.



Yes! Yes! Oh!


Oh, you're the ugliest bitch in perdition, But you gave me a beautiful idea.

Discharge mr. Knable.

But, sir...

The contract was for him only.

Masterful stroke, sir.

I don't get it.

They should've zapped you two home by now.

You heard me...

Discharge mr. Knable.



Oh! Oh!

[darryl] dad!

[diane] dad!

Where's your mother?

My obligation is limited to those i have a contract with.

I fulfilled my end by discharging mr. Knable.

His wife is still--

Those who trespass into the system are on their own.

We'll sort out the bodies later After i kill them both.

How can we be sure he'll come back?

Because he loves her. He's a puss.

Oh, and i'll be back, In case anyone's feeling ambitious.

Well, time to rock 'n' roll.

Oh! Oh! Oh!


Quite a radical weight-loss plan you've been on.

Yes. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha.

But, uh...Feeling a lot, uh, better.

Ha ha ha!


Hello, mrs. Knable.

Mr. Spike, at your service.

Where's my husband?

I'll take you to him.


Oh! Oh! Oh!

Howdy, ma'am.

Reckon the 3:10 to yuma will be along any minute.

Funny thing, though... It don't exactly stop here.

You're going to hit me with a train?

What can i say? I'm a sucker for a big ending.

You sadistic bastard.

Runs in the family.

My father was an oil company president.

Well...Have a good day, mrs. Knable.


This just in...

Helen knable has been kidnapped And taken to channel 1. We take you there live.

Roy, wherever you are, get your butt back here!

Unfortunately, her gutless failure of a husband Won't lift a finger to save her.

Right, roy?


Dynamite. He's going to hit me with a train and blow me up?


I want you both to stay inside.

Make sure those doughnuts are ready.

I'll be very hungry when i get back.


[darryl] careful, dad.

[theme from the good, the bad, and the ugly plays]


[cough cough]

[cough cough]






Back to play the hero, huh?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Not exactly typecasting.

Be about 6...6'1".


Make your move, tinhorn.

Today, roy!


Dad! Dad!

[beep beep]

[beep beep]

You missed me, partner.

Captain, the ship has found itself In an orbit around hell.

The underworld is hailing us.

I know you.

Greetings, captain roy.

Our remotes are synchronized, So wherever you go, i go.

Enjoy the attack.

[alarm warbling]



G-g...Get us out of here!


Phasers on, uh...


Holy shatner!

And just to show you how effective Our passenger restraint system really is, Watch this demonstration at 110 miles an hour, Where our driver dummy has the benefit Of seat belt and air bag, The other dummy having neither one.

Neither one?

I can't watch. Switch to mom.

Switch to mom!

[train whistle blows]

Dad'll save her.

[beep beep]


Ooh. Rrr!

No! No, wait!


Hey, lady, watch out!






Unh! Ahh!

¶ come and knock on our door ¶

¶ come and knock on our door ¶ Where have you been?

¶ we've been waitin' for you... ¶ Aaaaaahhhh!

[cough cough]

My, my.

Now you'll never get back to kansas.

En garde.

Oh, no sword.

Have to talk to that prop man.

Right about now, your wife is probably Catching that train... Right between the eyes.

And you let it happen.

Here it comes, dad!

I've taken loads of souls...

And none more pathetic Than yours, roy.

Say good night, gracie.

Not yet.

You see, i was captain of my junior college fencing team.

All right. Co-captain.

I gave you escape from your pitiful life.

I want it back.

All sales are final.

Not this one.

¶ you got to start me ¶

¶ up ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ come down ¶

¶ the "s" to the a-l-t ¶

¶ come down ¶

¶ the love to the b-u-g ¶

¶ come down ¶

¶ the spin to the d-a-rella ¶

¶ come down ¶

¶ s-t-double e-v-e in the "p" ¶

¶ come down ¶ The "p" to the e-p-a ¶

¶ come down ¶

¶ the idolmaker's in the house, how ya know? ¶

¶ come down ¶

¶ to the record lord ¶

¶ come down ¶

¶ wait a minute, wait a minute, y'all ¶

¶ let's get serious for a minute ¶

¶ y'all havin' fun? ¶

¶ i'm havin' fun, everybody havin' fun ¶

¶ but you know those times ¶

¶ when you get stressed out ¶

¶ and you wanna give up? ¶

¶ everybody has a time in their life ¶

¶ when things doesn't always go right ¶

¶ it just gets harder every day ¶

¶ and it makes you wanna run away ¶

¶ then i wonder when it will end ¶

¶ can i ever be myself again? ¶

¶ yo, i got hopes, and i got trust ¶

¶ and i got you here to start me up ¶

¶ i'm fed up, fed up ¶

¶ word up, dead up ¶

¶ gotta keep my head up ¶

¶ don't stop or let up ¶

¶ you're sleepin', laid up ¶

¶ time to get your bed made up ¶

¶ always gonna lose it ¶

¶ till your dues get paid up ¶

¶ straight up, wait up ¶

¶ i'm not gamin' or bluffin' ¶

¶ watch television all day doin' nothing ¶

¶ poisoning your liver ¶

¶ looks like you're ready to deliver ¶

¶ yo, salt, i think he gets the scissors ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ start me up-- ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ on the dial, the people gonna fall off ¶

¶ the eeby deeby jam coming at me, big mama ¶

¶ stoppin' at the period ¶

¶ and pause upon the comma ¶

¶ the bis boom bit did a drama for your fodda ¶

¶ tell me, rough ¶

¶ coach man workin' i'm stuck ¶

¶ de-man-a man-a lek-o lek-o ¶

¶ fix the collar on a world, rah ¶

¶ the microchips never fail me ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me ¶

¶ up ¶

¶ well, uh, well, uh ¶

¶ we-heh-heh-hell uh ¶

¶ you're caught in the rain ¶

¶ but you forgot your umbrella ¶

¶ what could you do ¶

¶ punch-a-nella, punch-a-nella? ¶

¶ you're trapped in a cage like an ape called magilla ¶

¶ and now you're ready to throw in the towel ¶

¶ that's kinda foul ¶

¶ you don't give a hoot ¶

¶ like a mute owl ¶

¶ that's not the way i know you to be ¶

¶ you used to be true to me ¶

¶ oo-ee, what you used to do to me ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ start me up... ¶ Wait.

O.K. You got the remote. You win.

But how about-- just pitching here--

You and me working together?

We could come up with dynamite programming.

Chairman'd love it.

Knock him off his hooves.

We'd be number one.

Of course, we are the only one, but--

You don't get it, do you?

Without me, you don't get out of here.

Sorry, spike. You're cancelled.

¶ you got to start me up ¶

¶ start me up ¶

¶ you got to start me ¶

¶ up ¶


Deactivate escape frequencies.

What are you doing?

I've trapped them.

It's not working!

Turn it off. Turn it off.

Turn it off. Turn it off.

What do you do when you want the tv to go away?

You turn it Off!

We've lost them.


We're home!


Oh! Dad!

Oh! Oh!

[dog growls]

Whoever left the gate open is grounded for a week.


Check that.

Whoever left the gate open gets double their allowance.

Look at that.


Don't get me angry, you worm!

Get me out of here!

Put a lid on it, fido.

O.K., pierce, what do you want?

Corner office? Name on the door?

Hello, spike. Heh heh.


You know, you're a gentleman and a scholar...

A fine corporate asset...

A man who i, personally, like very much.

Oh, incidentally, spike, nice of you to drop in.

Ha ha ha ha...

Ah...That's funny.



[woof woof]

I get his parking space.

So what can i tell you?

My parents got back together.

The only tv my dad watches is 60 minutes, And he started a new job.

I guess you could call us a pretty normal family.

That's if anything is ever normal.

Who on earth taught you that?

Uh, i saw it on tv somewhere.

Some old movie.

Take my advice, kiddo. Don't watch too much tv.

It can get you into trouble.

O.K., fencers. Class dismissed.

¶ me and that dude is talkin' ¶

¶ baby, i just love your body ¶

¶ can't believe the feeling when you walk your walk ¶

¶ baby, we don't need no party ¶

¶ you can taste it if you don't like to talk ¶

¶ i used to have a woman who was so shy ¶

¶ never spoke about what she desired ¶

¶ now the door is open, it's open wide ¶

¶ take a little peek and find what's inside ¶

¶ baby, i just love your body ¶

¶ can't believe the feeling when you walk your walk ¶

¶ hey there, we don't need no party ¶

¶ you can taste it, if you want ¶

¶ baby, i just love your body ¶

¶ can't believe the feeling when you walk your walk ¶

¶ baby, we don't need no party ¶

¶ you can taste it if you don't like to talk ¶

¶ used to have a woman who was so shy ¶

¶ never spoke about what she desired ¶

¶ now the door is open, it's open wide ¶

¶ take a little peek and find what's inside ¶

¶ baby, i just love your body ¶

¶ can't believe the feeling when you walk your walk ¶

¶ baby, we don't need no party ¶

¶ you can taste that, if you want ¶

Captioning made possible by warner bros. Inc.

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

Captions copyright 1992 morgan creek productions, inc.

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute

¶ do you want it? ¶

¶ do you want it? ¶

¶ do you want it? ¶

¶ do you want it? ¶

¶ do you want it? ¶

¶ do you--do you want it? ¶

¶ do you want it? ¶

¶ moon's out tonight ¶

¶ the doctor's takin' a walk ¶

¶ awoo ¶

¶ the mic stalker ¶

¶ some dame did me wrong, and i admit it ¶

¶ my temper was a fuse, and you just lit it ¶

¶ and made me right that on a saturday night ¶

¶ that i bit it, the price is death ¶

¶ this is a row, the fight for right ¶

¶ don't get hyped this is my knife strike ¶

¶ no nob, no gun ¶

¶ took my vocals through the mic ¶

¶ it's cold so i pack it in my jacket at night ¶

¶ hey, i live by my mic and die by my mic ¶

¶ no, i live to exist ¶

¶ and i never bid on the great ride to hitch ¶

¶ and while you're dying ¶

¶ your son is cryin', beggin' and yellin' ¶

¶ will i give you pity? Hah! ¶

¶ never would i with all the trouble i'm in ¶

¶ until the devil eat heart out cause i'm hotter than him ¶

¶ the other day kid was rockin' on the corner alone ¶

¶ and i was stroking my microphone ¶

¶ i heard him reciting somebody's record that was sold ¶

¶ though he was five years old i had to adjust some more ¶

¶ teach him a lesson no matter what the age ¶

¶ i'm on a rampage on and off the stage ¶

¶ you wanna copy of my record? ¶

¶ this is what you do ¶

¶ go to the precinct, and they'll give you a few ¶

¶ the mic stalker, stalker, stalker ¶

¶ i got a natural gift, i don't sniff ¶

¶ for a little lift, boy, my mother woulda whipped ¶

¶ i got accused when my mother gave me, never gave me dope ¶

¶ to coke, she say, just say no ¶

¶ it's criminal or premature ¶

¶ it's premeditated literature ¶

¶ the mic stalker, stalker, stalker ¶