Stepsister from Planet Weird (2000) Script

Girl: WIND. THERE'S NOTHING ELSE LIKE IT.

PULLING YOU ACROSS THE WATER LIKE YOU'RE FLYING.

IT'S TOTALLY...

WELL, EXTREME.

THAT'S ME--

MEGAN LARSON.

YOUR FAIRLY AVERAGE TEENAGE GIRL.

AND THAT'S CUTTER.

THERE'S NOTHING EVEN REMOTELY AVERAGE ABOUT HIM.


OVER HERE, MEGAN!

THAT WAS SICK, MEGAN.

YOU FLATLY RULE.

THANKS, CUTTER.

BE MY GIRLFRIEND?

UM, OK.

MOM, DAD!

DAD AND I HAVE DECIDED TO GET BACK TOGETHER, MEGAN.

AND I'M NEVER GONNA ACT LIKE A LITTLE FREAK AGAIN.

COOL.

MEGAN, AS THE MOST POPULAR GIRL IN SCHOOL, I, HEATHER HARTMAN, HEREBY WELCOME YOU INTO THE POPULAR GROUP.

YOU ROCK! YES! MEGAN, YAY!

Megan: DEAR DIARY, IF ONLY LIFE WERE LIKE MY DREAM DIE, ALIEN, DIE!

TREVOR, NOT NOW.

TREV!

I'M JUST SAYING, YOU CAN'T BE A MEN IN BLACK, TREV.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY ONE PERSON.

I WANT TO BE A MEN IN BLACK.

I WANT TO GET JIGGY WID IT.

FINE. WHATEVER.

PLUS, I'M GONNA BE A MAILMAN.

WHY NOT MAILMEN?

DAD WE DON'T SEE MUCH ANYMORE.

HE'S ALWAYS BUSY, IT SEEMS LIKE.

SOMETIMES I CAN BARELY EVEN REMEMBER A TIME WHEN WE WERE ALL TOGETHER.

BUT THEN I ALWAYS DO.

Kathy: OK, GRAB YOUR STUFF.

ROKY, COME ON.

TREVOR.

OK, WE'RE OFF.

FUN IN THE SUN.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

[RING]

UH, LET ME GET THIS.

[RING]

JUST A SEC.

HELLO, FRED LARSON.

YEAH, NO, NO.

COME ON. LET'S GO.

NO, THAT'S FINE.

NO. IF YOU CAN JUST GET RID OF THEM...

[SCREAMING]

GIVE IT BACK, MEGAN.

WHOO!

DAD, COME ON!

I GOT IT IN THE CAR.

JUST BEAR WITH ME ONE SECOND WHILE I JUST--

GIVE ME JUST ONE SECOND, HERE.

JUST GOT THE BOOK HERE...

Fred: IF YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEMS, JUST GIVE ME A CALL.

NO, GIVE ME A CALL ANYTIME.

OK, THEN. GREAT TALKING TO YOU.

TAKE CARE.

OK, THEN, BYE.

WELL, DIARY, IF YOU'RE WONDERING WHY MY FOLKS SPLIT UP, THERE YOU HAVE IT, I GUESS.

AND THEN THERE'S MOM.

PROBABLY THE ONLY PERSON ON THE PLANET WHO LOVES WINDSURFING AS MUCH AS I DO.

SHE'S DEFINITELY NOT YOUR TYPICAL MOM.

CRACKERS?

COOL, I LOVE CRACKERS.

SO DO I, BUT NOT FOR BREAKFAST.

IS THAT IT?

DON'T BE SILLY, MEGAN.

WHAT KIND OF MOTHER GIVES HER KIDS JUST CRACKERS WITHOUT SOUP.

MOM, YOU CAN'T HAVE SOUP FOR BREAKFAST.

WHY NOT, MEGAN? SOUP IS GOOD FOOD.

ROKY LIKES SOUP FOR BREAKFAST, DON'T YOU?

ROKY'S A DOG.

HE DRINKS FROM THE TOILET.

OK, LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE I CAN MAKE YOU, MEG.

UH, AH!

I CAN MAKE A WONDERFUL TUNA SANDWICH.

OK, I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET THE WRONG IDEA.

MOM'S NOT USUALLY THIS BIZARRE.

IT'S JUST EVER SINCE DAD LEFT, SHE'S BEEN A LITTLE DISTRACTED.

AND, I MEAN, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, OUR LIFE IS REALLY COOL IN LOTS OF WAYS.

OH!

I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING!

IN THE TENT! IN THE TENT!

MAYBE MOM'S LONELY.

BUT THEN, SHE'S HAD A COUPLE OF DATES.

HYAH! OH! YA! YA!

HOAH! HYAH!

YA! YO! YO!

YAAA! YA!

UNH!

IS HE ALWAYS SO ENTHUSIASTIC?

THAT'S NOTHING.

THE LAST GUY MY MOM DATED IS STILL IN A BODY CAST.

BODY CAST?

THEY SAY HE'LL MAKE A FULL RECOVERY, BUT I HAVE MY DOUBTS.

OK, I'M NOT IN THE POPULAR GROUP, DIARY.

I SHOULD TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.

I MEAN, WELL, I WAS IN IT FOR A WEEK LAST YEAR.

THEY THOUGHT I WAS RELATED TO JEWEL OR SOMETHING.

WELL, ACTUALLY, I--I KIND OF TOLD THEM THAT I WAS, BUT WHEN HEATHER HARTMAN FOUND OUT THAT I WASN'T, OH, IT WAS BAD.

YOU'RE NOT JEWEL'S COUSIN, MEGAN.

WELL, I HAVE A COUSIN WHO SORT OF LOOKS LIKE JEWEL, AND SHE SINGS PRETTY WELL.

YOU CAN'T SIT AT OUR TABLE ANYMORE.

I'M TELLING YOU, RETRACTABLE CLAWS WOULD BE TOTALLY COOL.

THAT WOULD BE LAME, MIKEY.

WHAT ABOUT X-RAY VISION?

SHAPE-SHIFTING.

THAT'D BE FRESH.

THE TRUTH IS, THOUGH, DIARY, I REALLY ONLY WANT TO BE IN THE POPULAR GROUP FOR ONE REASON.

CUTTER COBURN IS THE MOST EXTREME KID IN HIGH SCHOOL.

LAST YEAR HE SKATED DOWN AN ENTIRE MOUNTAIN.

[GRUNTING]

WELL, HE FELL, MOSTLY, BUT IT WAS STILL TOTALLY RAD.

SO DOES ANYONE KNOW THE ANSWER?

CUTTER?

CUTTER?

MR. SINGH?

DO YOU KNOW THE ANSWER?

MR. SINGH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE QUESTION IS.

FOR A LONG TIME, I DON'T THINK CUTTER EVEN KNEW I EXISTED, BUT THEN HE STARTED WINDSURFING AND COMING TO MOM'S STORE...

MAN, YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE AIR I WAS GETTING YESTERDAY.

IT WAS NUKIN' LIKE BIG TIME.

I WAS HITTING RAMP AFTER RAMP, DUDE.

UH, HEY.

OH, HEY.

I REMEMBER YOU FROM SCHOOL.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME AGAIN?

CORGAN? VEGAN? FAGAN?

MEGAN.

MEGAN.

UH, HEY, DO YOU THINK I COULD HAVE SOME OF THOSE CHIPS?

YEAH, GO AHEAD.

OH, MAN, THESE RULE.

WHAT ARE THEY?

BARBECUE. I MEAN, SOUR CREAM--

SOUR CREAM AND ONION.

WINDSURFING'S COOL, LIKE, YOU KNOW, BECAUSE...

THERE'S WIND, RIGHT?

AND THEN ALSO, YOU'RE SURFING, SO YOU'RE, LIKE, WINDSURFING.

I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY.

WELL, UH, THANKS FOR THE CHIPS, UM, MEGAN.

I'LL SEE YOU ON THE WATER.

I LIKE YOUR HAIR.

OH, THANKS. IT'S BLEACHED.

I KNOW.

BUT THAT'S ALL ANCIENT HISTORY NOW, DIARY, BECAUSE EVERYTHING'S CHANGED.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU MET A GUY?

HIS NAME IS COSMO.

COSMO COLA.

HE SOUNDS LIKE AN ALIEN FROM SPACE.

IS HE, MOM?

NOT THAT I'VE NOTICED, TREV.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE DID YOU MEET THIS GUY, MOM?

UH, IT'S VERY SILLY.

I WAS WINDSURFING...

HEY! WHA--HEY!

IT WAS RIDICULOUS, BUT IT WAS REALLY GREAT, TOO.

MEG, HE WANTED TO RESCUE ME FROM THE WAVES.

MOM, YOU WEREN'T DROWNING.

SURE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT.

HE WAS WILLING TO.

I HAVE A VERY BAD FEELING.

WE STARTED TALKING, AND WE JUST CLICKED.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

I SAW YOU BEING BLOWN ABOUT BY THE WIND.

I'M WINDSURFING.

I'M COS.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

WE TALKED FOR HOURS, I GUESS, I MEAN...

HE HAS THIS CHILDLIKE QUALITY THAT I FIND SO REFRESHING.

CANDY?

OH, SURE.

OK, WHERE'S THIS COSMO COLA FROM.

CANADA. THE YUKON, OF ALL PLACES.

[WOLF HOWLS]

MOM, NO ONE LIVES IN THE YUKON.

IT'S, LIKE, DESERTED.

IT'S A MISSILE RANGE OR SOMETHING.

WELL, HE AND HIS DAUGHTER LIVE THERE.

HIS DAUGHTER?

ARIEL. SHE'S 14, TOO, MEG.

ISN'T THAT GREAT?

POSSIBLY.

MEG.

DO I LOOK LIKE A GEEK?

OK, BYE.

I'LL BE HOME SOON.

♪ SHE'S GOT MYSTERY ♪

♪ THERE'S A SECRET IN HER EYES ♪

♪ SHE'S MY SOUL SATISFIER ♪

♪ SHE'S MY SWEETIE PIE ♪

♪ FREE MY FROZEN HEART ♪

♪ FREE MY FROZEN HEART ♪

♪ WHAT A RUSH ♪

HEY.

MOM.

WHY WON'T YOU LET ANYONE LISTEN TO YOUR MUSIC?

BECAUSE.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU HAVE A GOOD REASON.

SO, TONIGHT'S THE BIG NIGHT, HUH?

EVERYBODY'S FINALLY GONNA MEET.

AREN'T YOU EXCITED?

DON'T I LOOK EXCITED?

COME ON, YOU. HELP ME CLEAN UP.

I WAS GOING TO BE AMBITIOUS AND COOK A WHOLE CHICKEN, BUT SINCE COS REALLY LIKES HOT DOGS...

A GOURMET, HUH?

MEGAN, BE NICE.

I AM ALWAYS NICE.

NEW PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS SO BAD, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, SOMETIMES CHANGE CAN BE A GOOD THING IF YOU WELCOME IT.

UGH! YOU'RE NOT GONNA CALL ME GRASSHOPPER NOW, ARE YOU?

WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH A SHARP TONGUE?

YOU SHOULD HEAR ALL THE THINGS I THINK AND DON'T SAY.

HONEY, I GOT TO SAY, IT WOULD MEAN A WHOLE LOT TO ME IF YOU WOULD AT LEAST TRY.

COSMO MAKES ME REALLY HAPPY, YOU KNOW, MEG?

AND MAYBE YOU'LL LIKE HIM, TOO, IF YOU GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, MOM, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'LL TRY. I REALLY-- I REALLY WILL.

THANKS, SWEETIE.

AND MAYBE I'LL THINK THAT HE AND ARIEL ARE GREAT.

IF YOU LIKE THEM, THEN THEY MUST BE GREAT, RIGHT?

OF COURSE YOU ALSO LIKE LORD OF THE DANCE, BUT WE WON'T GO THERE.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

THAT'LL BE THEM.

YOU WANT TO GET THE DOOR, MEG?

SURE.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

PLEASE BE GREAT.

MEGAN LARSON!

MEGAN LARSON!

MOM!

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM TO FINALLY MEET YOU.

ARE YOU COSMO?

YOU SHOULD BE ON A GAME SHOW, MEGAN.

I LIKE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES, MYSELF.

WHOOPI FOR THE BLOCK!

IT WAS WORSE THAN I COULD HAVE POSSIBLY IMAGINED, DIARY.

[TOY GUN BEEPS]

ARE YOU A GOOD ALIEN...

OR A BAD ALIEN?

GOOD, MOSTLY, BUT SOMETIMES BAD.

LIKE NOW. AAH!

WHOA!

AH, WHAT'S THIS?

[DOG WHINES]

I LOVE DOGS.

SUCH TINY BRAINS IN SUCH LARGE, POWERFUL BODIES.

COSMO.

KATHY!

I'M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.

ME, TOO.

AH, I HAVE GAS--

UH, I MEAN, ROOT BEER.

THESE ARE FOR YOU.

THANK YOU, COSMO.

UH, WHERE'S ARIEL?

UH, SHE'S OUT IN THE CAR.

SHE DOESN'T LIKE THE WIND.

[MEGAN LAUGHS]

SHE DOESN'T LIKE THE WIND?

ACTUALLY, WIND CAN BE VERY FRIGHTENING IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

IF YOU'RE AN ALIEN, THE WIND CAN JUST BLOW YOU AWAY.

EXACTLY. RIGHT.

OF COURSE, WIND CAN ALSO BE A WONDERFUL WAY OF MEETING PEOPLE.

UH, YOU WANT TO GO HELP HER IN, HUH, MEG?

MOM!

MEGAN.

OK.

HELLO?

ARIEL, HELLO?

[PEBBLES CRUNCH]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING UNDER THERE?

I FEAR THE WIND.

OH.

Ariel: DEAR DIARY, I CANNOT MAKE SENSE OF THIS STRANGE PLANET CALLED EARTH.

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THIS HORRID VEHICLE--

THE RUBBERY FLESH, THE FLAT FACE, THE GHASTLY YELLOW HAIR THAT GROWS OUT OF THIS HIDEOUS SKULL--

I CAN ONLY THINK...

I AM GROTESQUE.

THE SAME DREAM COMES TO ME MOST EVERY NIGHT.

I AM BACK ON MY HOME PLANET OF ZIRCALON.

I AM, ONCE AGAIN, A BEAUTIFUL PINK BALL OF GAS, FLOATING NEXT TO MY BELOVED FANUL.

OH, FINE, HANDSOME, INTELLIGENT FANUL.

HOW I MISS FLOATING WITH YOU.

I MISS MY TRUE SELF, MY ESSENCE.

HOW I LONG TO BE ZUEZAV OF ZIRCALON ONCE AGAIN.

AND MOTHER AND FATHER ARE THERE AS WELL, FLOATING BY MY SIDE.

OH, THE JOY...

THE RAPTURE...

THE BLISS.

I KNEW THAT WE WERE GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE ZIRCALON, DIARY.

I KNEW THAT DADDY'S LIFE WAS IN DANGER BECAUSE HE WAS A FREEDOM FIGHTER.

I KNEW, AS WELL, THAT S'VAD WAS A REPRESSIVE EMPEROR, AND THAT WE WERE NOT COMPLETELY FREE ON ZIRCALON.

STILL, I NEVER EXPECTED TO HAVE TO LEAVE SO SUDDENLY, DIARY.

IT ALL HAPPENED SO INCREDIBLY FAST.

AND IN THAT ONE BRIEF MOMENT, MY MOTHER WAS LOST FOREVER...

[POP]

NOW JUST A PART OF THE GREAT COSMIC GAS.

STRANGELY, DIARY, WITH ALL ITS HORRORS AND BIZARRE CUSTOMS, EARTH SEEMS TO POSSES A WONDERFUL ABUNDANCE OF THE ONE SUBSTANCE WE ZIRCALONIANS NEED TO SURVIVE...

THE ELEMENT KNOWN AS CO2.

[ALIEN VOICE] AT LEAST I STILL HAVE GAS.

MONSTROSITY.

I BECAME DESPERATE, DIARY.

DESPERATE FOR ANY HELP IN NAVIGATING THIS STRANGE AND FRIGHTENING PLACE.

THAT IS WHEN I TURNED TO OUR NEIGHBOR, THE SPIRITUAL GUIDE, SERENA SOO.

[CATS MEOW]

OFF, GANDHI.

AWAY, PICASSO.

ARIEL, I KNOW WHAT TROUBLES YOU.

YOU DO?

IN THE MONTH SINCE YOU AND YOUR CHARMING FATHER HAVE MOVED IN, I'VE PERCEIVED THAT YOU ARE DIFFERENT.

YES.

YOU DON'T FEEL THAT YOU BELONG HERE.

NO.

AND IN THIS YOU ARE CORRECT.

YOU HAVE LIVED MANY, MANY TIMES BEFORE, ARIEL.

MOST RECENTLY YOU WERE A COWHAND ON A LARGE RANCH IN MONTANA.

YOU WERE CRUSHED BY A COW.

YOU HAVE NOT YET PSYCHICALLY RECOVERED FROM THIS.

DO YOU FEEL THE TRUTH OF WHAT I'M TELLING YOU?

DON'T SPEAK.

I AM A PSYCHIC.

I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING.

[FLY BUZZES]

I CAN SEE VERY CLEARLY EXACT--

[COUGHING]

I TRIED TO TELL SERENA SOO ABOUT THE FLYING INSECT, DIARY, BUT, OF COURSE, SHE COULD NOT READ MY MIND.

SHE IS A RIDICULOUS AND PATHETIC PERSON.

BUT SHE AT LEAST POSSESSES A SOMEWHAT GASEOUS MANNER.

BUT WHAT DOES ANY OF IT MATTER NOW, DIARY?

NOW THAT DREARINESS AND DREAD HAVE SO UTTERLY ENGULFED MY LIFE.

THERE. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I HATE IT HERE, DADDY.

EVERYTHING HERE IS SO UGLY AND SOLID AND HEAVY.

I KNOW IT'S HARD, ARIEL.

I MISS OUR HOME, TOO.

THERE WAS TRULY NOTHING LIKE A GREAT DAY OF FLOATING--

EXPANDING IN THE HEAT...

CONTRACTING WHEN IT COOLS OFF.

WHY CAN'T WE JUST GO BACK, THEN?

WE'D BE NEAR MOMMY.

MOMMY HAS, UH...

THINNED OUT A LITTLE, ARIEL.

BESIDES, I'D BE IMPRISONED FOREVER IN A FROZEN CUBE.

WE CAME HERE TO ESCAPE, TO BE FREE.

FREE TO BE HIDEOUS.

OH, LIFE ON EARTH IS FULL OF WONDROUS POSSIBILITIES, ARIEL.

ONE CAN DO OR BE WHATEVER ONE WANTS HERE.

LOOK.

THIS IS A DUMMY.

AN ARTIFICIAL HUMAN THAT ONE CAN SPEAK THROUGH.

[DUMMY VOICE] HELLO, ARIEL.

[NORMAL VOICE] HOW CAN ONE NOT LOVE A WORLD IN WHICH SUCH A THING EXISTS?

YOU ARE COMPLETELY IMBALANCED, DADDY.

AND THESE NAMES YOU HAVE GIVEN US:

ARIEL AND COSMO COLA.

RIDICULOUS, PATHETIC.

AND THESE EARTHLINGS-- THEY PAY MONEY FOR THESE WORTHLESS SOLIDS WE BROUGHT WITH US.

THEY'RE QUITE VALUABLE HERE.

I MISS FANUL SO TERRIBLY, DADDY.

PLEASE, MAY I COMMUNICATE WITH HIM?

HE WOULD NOT BETRAY ME. I KNOW THAT HE WOULD NOT.

FANUL IS THE SON OF THE EMPEROR S'VAD.

YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER.

IT IS NOT POSSIBLE.

BUT, DADDY--

I'M SORRY, ARIEL.

AHH.

[ALIEN VOICE] LOOK WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IT IS, ARIEL.

[NORMAL VOICE] BEING SOLID IS INVIGORATING.

AHH!

LIFE ON EARTH IS FUN, ARIEL.

I ONLY HOPE SOMEDAY YOU'LL FEEL THE SAME.

WHAT COULD BE LESS FUN THAN THIS?

I WANT MY BOYFRIEND BACK, DADDY.

I WANT TO SEE FANUL, AND I WANT TO GO HO--

THE WIND. THE WIND!

IT CAN'T HURT US, ARIEL. IT--

I'M COMING APART.

I'M REALLY COMING APART.

WE FEAR THE WIND.

[WATER SLOSHING]

FANUL, FANUL, WHY MUST YOU BE THE SON OF THE EMPEROR, AND I THE FREEDOM FIGHTER'S DAUGHTER?

WE'RE JUST LIKE THE TRAGIC STORY OF GLABA AND GROKNO, THE 2 STAR-CROSSED BUBBLES.

BUT WE WILL MEET AGAIN, FANUL, FOR I WILL COME HOME TO YOU.

[COUGHING]

UNTIL I DO, I MUST TRY TO HOLD ON TO THE BEAUTY AND MAJESTY OF MY ZIRCALONIAN HERITAGE.

PERHAPS THAT WILL KEEP ME GOING.

♪ ZIRCALON, ZIRCALON ♪

♪ BUBBLES DANCE 'CROSS THE MOON ♪

♪ ZIRCALON, ZIRCALON ♪

♪ MAKE US FREE, WILL YOU SOON? ♪ THE WIND WAS BLOWING HER ABOUT, ARIEL.

I KNEW I HAD TO SAVE HER, SO I JUMPED IN, BUT WHEN I REACHED HER, SHE WASN'T FRIGHTENED AT ALL.

I SAW YOU BEING BLOWN ABOUT BY THE WIND.

I'M WINDSURFING.

SHE'S THE MOST REMARKABLE CREATURE.

KATHY LARSON?

THE MOST--

[ALIEN VOICE] LOVELY, INTELLIGENT...

[NORMAL VOICE] WONDERFUL HUMAN ON THE PLANET, ARIEL.

BUT IT'S UNTHINKABLE.

MOMMY.

YOUR MOTHER WAS AN EXTRAORDINARY BUBBLE, ARIEL.

AND I WILL NEVER FORGET HER.

WE HAD MANY WONDERFUL MEMORIES TOGETHER, AND I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH THOSE MEMORIES.

JUST AS I WILL ALWAYS CHERISH SEEING YOUR MOTHER IN YOU.

BUT WE LIVE HERE NOW.

AND I THINK WE NEED TO MAKE A LIFE HERE.

WE'RE HUMANS NOW, ARIEL.

WE NEED TO LIVE WITH OTHER HUMANS.

I DON'T THINK MOMMY WOULD WANT US TO BE ALONE AND UNHAPPY.

DO YOU?


TONIGHT'S THE NIGHT, ARIEL.

WE VISIT KATHY AND HER CHILDREN AT THEIR HOME.

YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME.

I GUARANTEE IT.

BUT I DIDN'T HAVE A WONDERFUL TIME, DIARY.

IN FACT, THE EVENING WAS A HIDEOUS TORTURE RIGHT FROM THE VERY START.

I FEAR THE WIND.

OK.

WELL, IT'S PRETTY MUCH STOPPED, SO, LIKE, YOU WANT TO COME OUT?

NO, NO. OH, NO! OH, NO! I'M...

[RUFF RUFF]

[RUFF]

DON'T THREATEN ME, MONSTER.

HE'S JUST BARKING.

SILENCE, BEAST.

[WHIMPERS]

YOUR VOICE IS LOUD AND VULGAR.

[TOY GUN BEEPS]

YOU'RE AN ALIEN, TOO, AREN'T YOU?

[BREATHES HEAVILY]

I NEED WATER.

IS SHE ALL RIGHT, COS?

SHE'S JUST NERVOUS.

CAN YOU GO AND CHECK ON HER, MEG?

SURE. WHY NOT?

[WATER RUNNING]

[SINK TURNS OFF]

ARIEL, ARE YOU OK?

YOU'RE ALL WET.

I FELL IN THE SINK.

IN THE SINK?

DO YOU WANT TO DRY OFF?

YOUR ROOM IS HIDEOUSLY CLUTTERED.

THANK YOU.

YOU CAN WEAR THESE.

THEY'RE FAR TOO LARGE.

YOU CAN WEAR HERS IF YOU THINK THAT THEY WOULD FIT YOU BETTER.

I WILL ENDURE THOSE.

DID YOU JUST DRINK THAT WHOLE BOTTLE?

[ALIEN VOICE] NO.

YES, YOU DID.

WHY IS YOUR VOICE LIKE THAT?

ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY OR SOMETHING?

YES, I'M TRYING TO BE FUNNY.

HA HA HA HA HA.

HA...HA. AHEM.

[NORMAL VOICE] I AM FUNNY.

YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

[HAIR DRYER STARTS] HERE, USE THIS.

STOP THE WIND. STOP THE WIND!

[HAIR DRYER STOPS] YOU ARE INCREDIBLY NEUROTIC ABOUT YOUR HAIR, YOU KNOW THAT?

EVERYTHING OK BACK HERE?

EVERYTHING IS VERY OK, KATHY LARSON, THANK YOU.

GREAT. DINNER'S READY SHE SEEMS NICE, DOESN'T SHE?

I'LL TAKE THE FIFTH.


I LOVE FOOD.

ME, TOO!

DON'T YOU LIKE HOT DOGS, ARIEL?

I DO NOT LIKE FOOD.

NOTHING?

GRILLED CHEESE...

P.B. AND J...

PASTA?

FOOD IS MESSY.

YEAH, MOM, UM, ARIEL'S ON THAT NEW ROOT BEER DIET.

AT THAT MOMENT, DIARY, I KNEW THAT THE CREATURE CALLED MEGAN LARSON WAS TO BE FEARED AND DESPISED.

AT LEAST I WAS PREPARED FOR HER NOW.

WHAT HAPPENED NEXT, HOWEVER, WAS A SHOCKING AND GHASTLY SURPRISE.

Cosmo: KIDS.

KATHY AND I HAVE SOMETHING WE'D LIKE TO TELL YOU.

MEGAN...TREV...

ARIEL...

COSMO AND I KNOW WE BOTH COME FROM VERY DIFFERENT WORLDS.

AND THAT WE HAVEN'T KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR VERY LONG.

AND, WELL, YOU CAN ALSO UNDERSTAND THAT, WELL, THIS DINNER HASN'T GONE EXACTLY AS SMOOTHLY AS WE WOULD HAVE ALL LIKED.

BUT WHEN 2 BEINGS--

UH, PEOPLE FEEL ABOUT EACH OTHER THE WAY WE DO...

WELL, WE JUST HAVE TO FOLLOW OUR HEARTS, AND EVEN THOUGH THIS MIGHT SEEM REALLY SUDDEN...

CONGRATULATE US, KIDS. WE'RE ENGAGED.

DO YOU WANT TO SAY ANYTHING, MEGAN?

I WAS SPEECHLESS WHEN MOM ASKED ME THAT, BUT, DIARY, I DEFINITELY WASN'T SPEECHLESS LATER.

MOTHER, HE IS THE FREAK OF ALL TIME.

OH, MEGAN.

HE IS.

HE'S LOUD AND BIZARRE, AND HE DRESSES WEIRD.

IT'S LIKE HE'S SOME INSANE CLOWN OR SOMETHING.

I LIKE HIM.

I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S AN ALIEN, BUT I THINK HE'S A GOOD ONE.

HE CAN SHARE MY ROOM IF HE WANTS.

HE'S NOT GONNA BE YOUR NEW PLAYMATE, TREV.

HE'S GONNA BE YOUR NEW FATHER.

STEPFATHER, MEGAN, AND ARIEL WILL BE YOUR STEPSISTER.

LET'S NOT EVEN GO THERE.

ARIEL'S NICE.

SHE'S WHACKED, MOTHER!

I FELL IN THE SINK?!

WELL, MAYBE SHE MEANT THE BATH.

OH, AND THAT THING WITH THE HAIR DRYER.

WHAT WAS THAT?

I THINK SHE'S PRETTY.

YEAH, WELL, YOU'RE 7, TREV.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

OH, AND THE AFFECTED WAY SHE TALKS.

[MOCKING] OH, HORROR! OH, MISERY!

IT'S LIKE SHE'S IN SOME BAD PLAY.

I THINK YOU'RE BEING SILLY.

NO, NO, NO, I THINK I'M BEING SMART.

MOM, YOU'RE BEING SILLY.

MEG, I WOULD NEVER MARRY ANYONE THAT YOU ABSOLUTELY HATED, BUT I GOT TO TELL YOU, COS AND I ARE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER.

I THINK THIS MIGHT BE THE REAL THING, SO I WISH YOU'D AT LEAST GIVE HIM A CHANCE, AND TRY TO GET ALONG WITH ARIEL, TOO.

MOM, I TRIED.

SHE IS SCARY.

WELL, I HEAR SHE LIKES TO SING.

MAYBE YOU COULD MAKE MUSIC TOGETHER.

FINE. FORGET THAT.

ARIEL'S IN A NEW PLACE, MEGAN.

SHE'S A LONG WAY FROM HOME--

MILLIONS OF LIGHT YEARS, PROBABLY.

TREV! UH-UH.

SHE LOST HER MOM A FEW YEARS BACK, DID YOU KNOW THAT?

SHE DID?

SO FAR FROM HOME, SHE HASN'T HAD IT EASY.

GIVE HER A BREAK, HUH, MEG?

GREAT.

SHE STARTS SCHOOL WITH YOU TOMORROW.

DIDN'T YOU HAVE BIKES IN THE YUKON?

OF COURSE. I AM SIMPLY OUT OF PRACTICE.


Crowd: OH!

Megan: DEAR DIARY, CAN YOU SPELL "MORTIFYING?"

I JUST KNEW WHAT EVERYBODY WAS THINKING:

"WHO'S THAT DWEEB WITH MEGAN? IS THAT MEGAN'S FRIEND?

AND IF SO, MEGAN MUST BE A DWEEB, TOO."

BUT THEN THE WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.

CAN'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF TURN INVISIBLE?

POSSIBLY. SHOULD I TRY?

TOO LATE.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, MEGAN. WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

UM, THIS IS ARIEL.

SHE'S NOT REALLY MY FRIEND.

HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER?

THROUGH OUR PARENTS.

ARIEL'S FROM THE YUKON.

OH, THE YUKON. COOL!

SO, LIKE, ARIEL, DO YOU LIKE SKIING?

I LIKE BUBBLES, AND I LIKE GAS, AND I AM CALMED BY WATER.

Matt: COOL.

CAN'T ARGUE WITH ANY OF THOSE.

I DON'T GET THIS.

[BELL RINGS]

HELLO, IT'S 'CAUSE SHE'S GORGEOUS.

SHE IS NOT!

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT HER TO BE DOESN'T MEAN SHE ISN'T, MEGAN.

I'D HATE TO HAVE HER FOR A STEPSISTER.

YOU MUST FEEL SO INFERIOR.

INFERIOR? TO HER?

SHE'S A TOTAL PSYCHO!

SHE CAN'T EVEN RIDE A BIKE WITH TRAINING WHEELS.

MAYBE SHE DOESN'T WANT TO. MAYBE SHE'S BEING SUBVERSIVE.

MIKEY, SHE FELL ON HER FACE.

HOW IS THAT BEING SUBVERSIVE?

THE WAY SHE DRESSES.

IT'S SO ORIGINAL, SO FRESH.

THAT IS NOT ORIGINAL.

MY AUNT INA'S BEEN DRESSING LIKE THAT FOR YEARS.

AND I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING.

CUTTER WON'T THINK SHE'S COOL.

CUTTER THINKS I'M COOL.

MEGAN, AS YOUR FRIEND, THAT'S REALLY PATHETIC.

I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HER.

WHY?

I THINK SHE MIGHT BE, LIKE, A VISIONARY.

SO, ARIEL, HOW COME YOU WEAR SO MANY LAYERS?

I'M TRYING TO PROTECT MY ESSENCE.

THAT'S INTENSE!

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS!

Matt: ...ESSENCES UNPROTECTED SOMETIMES.

[BELL RINGS]

AND WHAT IS THE VOLUME OF THE SWIMMING POOL?

Mr. Singh: MEGAN?

HUH?

THE VOLUME OF THE POOL.

OH, UH...

MEDIUM?

CAN ANYONE ELSE ANSWER THE QUESTION?

ARIEL.

I ASSUME THAT YOU WISH ME TO VISUALIZE THE TRAPEZOIDAL SIDE OF THE POOL AS THE BASE, MR. SINGH?

UH...

I ASSUME ALSO THAT THE DEPTH OF THE POOL IS TO BE MEASURED IN METERS AND THE FLUID VOLUME TO BE MEASURED IN KILOLITERS.

WELL...

ASSUMING THAT THESE THINGS ARE THE CASE, AND THE WATER TEMPERATURE IS NO HIGHER THAN 32 DEGREES CENTIGRADE, THEN THE ANSWER IS 13.34 KILOLITERS.

Mr. Singh: THAT IS CORRECT.

ARIEL IS THE FULL-ON GOOD WILL HUNTING.

I HEAR HER IQ IS, LIKE, 300.

I HEAR SHE DATED PRINCE WILLIAM.

WELL, I HEAR SHE TUTORED BILL GATES.

THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND, MICHELLE.

ARIEL IS NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS.

SHE'S LIKE...

AN ALIEN FROM ANOTHER PLANET.

YEAH, FROM THE PLANET RAD.

NO, FROM THE PLANET WEIRD.

SHE FEARS WIND, MICHELLE.

WELL, WIND IS SCARY...

IN A WAY.

I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT.

UNBELIEVABLE! HER FIRST DAY, AND SHE'S ALREADY SITTING AT THE POPULAR TABLE.

Heather: MEGAN!

MEGAN!

HEATHER HARTMAN'S CALLING YOU.

GO.

GO!

I LOVE THE WAY YOU PROTECT YOUR ESSENCE, ARIEL.

DEFINITELY.

AND YOU TOTALLY TORE THE COVER OFF HOW, LIKE, MUNDANE BIKE RIDING IS.

ARIEL SAYS YOU TWO ARE GONNA BE STEPSISTERS, MEGAN.

WELL, THAT'S NOT REALLY A SURE THING, HEATHER.

YOU ARE SO LUCKY.

I JUST THINK THAT ARIEL IS SUCH THE TOTAL PACKAGE.

SHE'S WISE AND DEEP AND MATURE.

PLUS, SHE HAS INCREDIBLY STRONG HAIR.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIND OF CONDITIONER SHE USES, MEGAN?

AS FAR AS I KNOW, SHE JUST FALLS IN THE SINK.

FALLS IN THE SINK. I SHOULD TRY THAT.

YOU CAN SIT AT OUR TABLE TOMORROW, TOO, MEGAN...

IF YOU WANT.

THANKS, YOUR MAJESTY.

WONDER IF THERE ARE ANY SINKS AROUND HERE I COULD FALL INTO.

YOU ARE SUCH A REVOLUTIONARY!

THIS IS NAUSEATING.

SHE'S, LIKE, TOTALLY CHANNELING ALFRED EINSTEIN.

IT'S ALBERT.

CHILL, MEGAN.

♪ OH-OH-OH ♪

♪ ZIRCALON ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH ♪ THIS IS LAME!

♪ OH-OH-OH ♪

[BELL RINGS]


OH, FANUL.

HOW I MISS YOU, MY DARLING FANUL.

ARE YOU TALKING TO THAT BUBBLE, ARIEL?

THAT BUBBLE, AS YOU SO PATRONIZINGLY CALL IT, IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE!

WHAT A POET SHE IS.

SHE IS NOT A POET!

SHE'S POSSESSED!

[SIGHS] YEAH, I KNOW.

GET TO CLASS.

Girl: MY ESSENCE IS SO FRAGILE!

[STUDENTS CHATTERING]

Megan: IT WAS BECOMING A NIGHTMARE OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS, DIARY.

BY SEVENTH PERIOD, ARIEL COULD'VE SET HER HAIR ON FIRE AND RUN AROUND FLAPPING HER ARMS LIKE A CHICKEN, AND PEOPLE WOULD'VE THOUGHT IT WAS COOL.

ACTUALLY, THAT WOULD'VE BEEN KINDA COOL, BUT YOU GET THE IDEA, DIARY.

[SIGHS] BUT THE WORST PART WAS THAT THE WORST PART WAS YET TO COME.

MOM, I DON'T WANT TO TEACH ARIEL HOW TO WINDSURF.

IT'S SOMETHING YOU GUYS CAN SHARE, MEGAN.

I DON'T WANT TO SHARE WITH HER.

MEGAN! MOM!

MEGAN! MOM!

MEGAN!

THIS COULD GO ON FOR HOURS, YOU KNOW.

CAN'T YOU TRY A BIT MORE, HONEY?

BUT, MOM, CUTTER MIGHT BE THERE.

AND ARIEL--SHE'S TERRIFIED OF THE WIND.

HOW'S SHE GONNA LEARN HOW TO WINDSURF?

SHE JUST NEEDS TO GET PAST THAT.

I DON'T THINK YOU'RE BEING VERY MATURE, MEG.

I'M NOT? MOM, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S MARRYING A COMPLETE STRANGER.

COS IS NOT A STRANGER, MEG.

IN FACT, IN SOME WAYS, I FEEL I KNOW HIM BETTER THAN I'VE EVER KNOWN ANY MAN.

DO YOU KNOW THE TERM "SOULMATES," HONEY?

MOM. OK, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

I PROMISE TO TAKE ARIEL OUT ON THE WATER IF YOU PROMISE NEVER TO USE THAT WORD AGAIN.

DEAL.

I'M JUST GONNA, LIKE, GO OUT THERE, AND YOU CAN COPY WHAT I DO AFTERWARD, OK?

WHAT?

I FEAR THE WIND.

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET PAST THAT.

Megan: AND THEN IT HAPPENED.

UNH!

FROM THAT MOMENT ON, DIARY, IT WAS WAR.

Ariel: DEAR DIARY, JUST WHEN I THOUGHT IT COULDN'T GET ANY WORSE, I LEARNED WHAT THE WORDS "HIGH SCHOOL" MEAN.

CAN'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF TURN INVISIBLE?

POSSIBLY. SHOULD I TRY?

TOO LATE.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY, MEGAN, WHO'S YOUR FRIEND?

UM, THIS IS ARIEL.

SHE'S NOT REALLY MY FRIEND.

Ariel: AT FEEDING TIME, I WAS INVITED TO SIT AT A CERTAIN TABLE WHICH SEEMS TO POSSESS GREAT IMPORTANCE TO THE HUMANS.

AT THIS TABLE THE CONVERSATION WAS PATHETICALLY EMPTY AND MEANINGLESS.

EVERYONE THINKS YOU'RE, LIKE, A TOTAL ENIGMA, ARIEL.

BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU REALLY ARE.

YOU DO?

YOU'RE A MAJOR COSMETICS REPRESENTATIVE, RIGHT?

MEGAN!

MEGAN!

I LOVE THE WAY YOU PROTECT YOUR ESSENCE, ARIEL.

DEFINITELY.

AND YOU TOTALLY TORE THE COVER OFF HOW, LIKE, MUNDANE BIKE RIDING IS.

ARIEL SAYS YOU TWO ARE GONNA BE STEPSISTERS, MEGAN.

WELL, THAT'S NOT REALLY A SURE THING.

YOU ARE SO LUCKY.

I BET MEGAN IS SO JEALOUS OF YOU.

I BET SHE WANTS TO BE JUST LIKE YOU.

WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT THAT?

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

YOU'RE BOTH QUITE VACUOUS.

HIDEOUS!

MONSTROUS!

[TOGETHER] THE YUKON RULES!

[STUDENTS CHEERING]

WHOO! THAT WAS COOL, MAN!

YOU ARE SUCH A REVOLUTIONARY!

WELL, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GET PAST THAT.

Ariel: WHEN WE GOT TO THE BEACH THIS AFTERNOON, DIARY, I'D HAD ENOUGH.

I WAS AFRAID FOR MYSELF, YES, BUT I WAS EVEN MORE FRIGHTENED FOR MEGAN LARSON.

WOULD NOT THE WIND DESTROY HER?

WATCHING HER BLOWN ABOUT ON THE WATER, I FELT MYSELF BEGIN TO FALL APART AGAIN.

I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GO RESCUE MEGAN LARSON WHEN...

HEY!

ARIEL?

I'M CUTTER.

[CHUCKLES] DO YOU KNOW YOUR CLOTHES ARE WET?

I INTENDED TO RESCUE MEGAN LARSON.

OH. NO, SHE'S FINE.

WHAT IS YOUR INTEREST IN THIS DISGUSTING BAG OF SKIN I INHABIT, CUTTER?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, ARIEL.

THAT IS WAY HARSH.

I MEAN, I DON'T THINK IT'S DISGUSTING.

I THINK IT'S VERY UN-DISGUSTING, IN FACT.

THAT IS BECAUSE YOU INHABIT A BAG OF SKIN, TOO.

OK, I GUESS I DO.

WHAT'S THE ALTERNATIVE?

I WISH TO BE GAS.

PURE GAS.

HEH, THAT'S ONE WEIRD AMBITION.

SO, LIKE, UH...

YOU WANT TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND?

I FIND YOU VAPID AND SHALLOW, CUTTER.

ALL RIGHT. HEY, MAYBE I AM THOSE THINGS.

YOU KNOW, SHALLOW--DEFINITELY.

VAPID--LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, BUT I'M SURE IF I DID I COULD BE THAT, TOO, YOU KNOW, BUT LISTEN, RIGHT, VAPID, SHALLOW PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS, TOO, OK?

CHECK IT OUT! IT'S A PARTY!

HEY, MEGAN, HOW WAS YOUR RIDE?

FINE. COME ON, ARIEL.

ARIEL!

Ariel: AND NOW, DIARY, AS WE SAY ON ZIRCALON...

BYE, MEGAN. THE CLAG REALLY HIT THE DRON.

SEE YA, ARIEL.

I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M ONTO YOU, ARIEL.

ONTO ME?

YOU MAY THINK YOU'RE FOOLING EVERYBODY ELSE, BUT YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ME.

I SEE EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND.

COMING HERE WITH YOUR ROOT BEER JONES AND YOUR AFFECTED WAY OF TALKING AND YOUR WHACKED SONGS AND JUST, LIKE, TAKING OVER.

YOU MISAPPREHEND ME, EVIL MEGAN LARSON.

NO. NO, I THINK I APPREHEND YOU VERY WELL, ARIEL COLA.

YOU ARE LIKE THE TOTAL BAD SEED!

WHY DO YOU WISH MY DESTRUCTION, EVIL MEGAN LARSON? WHY?

BECAUSE...

BECAUSE YOU HAVE COME IN, AND YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING I WANT!

WELL, FINE, HAVE IT.

BUT LEAVE CUTTER ALONE.

I DO NOT WANT CUTTER.

I DO NOT WANT ANY OF IT.

ALL I WANT IS TO GO HOME.

WHAT?

[SIGHS] I JUST WANT TO GO HOME.

YOU DO?

I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO LEAVE THIS HORRID PLACE, WITH ITS STRANGE CREATURES AND ITS SOLID OBJECTS AND ITS CALLOUS DISREGARD FOR THE NATURAL DIGNITY OF BUBBLES!

YOU DON'T LIKE US BECAUSE WE'RE NOT NICE TO BUBBLES?

I WISH ONLY TO GO HOME.

TO SEE FANUL.

TO BE GASEOUS.

SO YOU DON'T WANT YOUR DAD TO MARRY MY MOM?

OF COURSE NOT.

Ariel: AND SO IN THAT MOMENT, DIARY, A STRANGE, UNHOLY ALLIANCE WAS BORN BETWEEN EVIL MEGAN LARSON AND I.

WHEN DADDY AND KATHY LARSON WENT OUT THIS EVENING, EVIL MEGAN LARSON AND I VOLUNTEERED TO WATCH THE SMALL NOISEMAKER.

[HONK HONK HONK]

OK, TREV, TIME FOR BED.

BUT, MEGAN, IT'S NOT EVEN 6:00 YET, AND I HAVEN'T EVEN HAD DINNER.

BON APPETIT!

AH.

GOOD NIGHT. OH, TAKE ROKY WITH YOU.

OK, THE FIRST THING WE HAVE TO DO IS CONVINCE OUR PARENTS THAT WE'RE THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND, EVIL MEGAN LARSON.

HOW COULD 2 CREATURES WHO DISLIKE EACH OTHER AS WE DO POSSIBLY CONVEY OTHERWISE?

THERE'S THIS THING WE HAVE IN THE U.S.

MAYBE YOU'VE HEARD OF IT, ARIEL.

IT'S CALLED ACTING.

Ariel: MEGAN LARSON REVEALED HERSELF THAT NIGHT AS A TRULY EVIL ARCHITECT.

"ALL IS FAIR IN LOVE AND WAR," SHE SAID.

"SOMETIMES THE BUBBLE THAT SHIMMERS BRIGHTEST ASCENDS THE SLOWEST," I RESPONDED.

ACTING!

SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE REFERENCE.

♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ IT'S OK ♪

♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT JUST TO BE ME ♪

♪ IT'S SOLID OR GAS ♪

♪ LIQUID OR STONE ♪

♪ A FRIENDSHIP LIKE OURS ♪

♪ YOU'RE NEVER ALONE ♪

[CHUCKLES] THAT ACTUALLY WASN'T BAD.

I'M SURPRISED TO SAY I LIKED IT AS WELL.

WE HAD AN EXTREMELY RAD TIME TOGETHER, DADDY, AND NOW WE ARE THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

WE CAN'T WAIT TO BE STEPSISTERS, MOM.

PLEASE SAMPLE THESE EXTREME COOKIES WE MADE, DADDY.

AND NOW THAT ME AND ARIEL ARE SO CLOSE, SHE TOLD ME THE SWEETEST THING.

COS THINKS THAT YOU'RE THE FUNNEST, MOST REFRESHINGLY SIMPLE GIRL HE'S EVER MET, AND ALL HE EVER TALKS ABOUT IS HOW LIGHT, FRIVOLOUS, AND INSUBSTANTIAL YOU ARE.

IN THE BEST SENSE, OF COURSE.

ISN'T THAT SWEET?

HA HA HA.

Ariel: AND SO, OUR EVIL PLAN BEGAN IN EARNEST.

RISOTTO, ROASTED FENNEL, AND WARM PEAR SALAD.

ENJOY!

[OPERA PLAYING]

Kathy: "AND HIS FLIGHT FROM HIAWATHA

"AND HIS WONDROUS TRANSMIGRATIONS AND THE END OF HIS ADVENTURES."

NOW CHAPTER 16. [CLEARS THROAT]

"ON THE SHORES OF GITCHE GUMEE, "ON THE DUNES OF NAGOW WUDJOO, "BY THE SHINING BIG SEA WATER

"STOOD THE LODGE OF PAU-PUK-KEEWIS.

"IT WAS HE WHO IN HIS FRENZY WHIRLED THESE DRIFTING SANDS--"

COSMO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

IT'S A SPIDER ON THE WALL THERE.

BUT I'M JUST IN THE MIDDLE OF MY POEM.

BUT IT CAUGHT A BUG, KATHY, LOOK!

COSMO...

HEY! ALMOST TIME FOR HOLLYWOOD SQUARES!

PUMBAA, I THINK YOU'RE ONTO SOMETHING.

Pumbaa, farting: I AM?

Timon: I'LL SAY. BEING POPULAR IS THE BEST REASON TO DO ANYTHING.

IF YOU BECOME AN ELEPHANT, EVERYONE WOULD LOVE YOU, THEN WE CAN BE--

ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF ME, COS?

OF COURSE NOT, KATHY.

I MEAN, IF YOU THINK I'M SUCH AN AIRHEAD, WHY DID YOU ASK ME TO MARRY YOU?

HOW CAN YOU ASK SUCH A QUESTION, KATHY?

I LOVE HOW FUN AND FREE YOU ARE, AND I LIKE THE WAY YOU LOOK.

I'M FUN AND I'M FREE AND I'M CUTE?

WHAT ABOUT MY MIND, COSMO?

I'VE NEVER SEEN YOUR MIND, KATHY.

THAT IS A VERY UNKIND THING TO SAY, COSMO COLA.

WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS, KATHY?

LIKE WHAT?

LIKE THE SHRILL AND STRIDENT GUEST ON A DAYTIME TV SHOW.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE ACTING LIKE AN INCONSIDERATE SNOB, COSMO.

I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD BE SUCH A TERMAGANT.

TERMA-WHAT?

TERMAGANT-- LOUD, OBNOXIOUS WOMAN.

THIS DATE IS OVER.

KATHY!

KATHY!

KATHY!

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?

NOTHING.

Ariel: OF COURSE, AS MEGAN SAID, ONE FIGHT WAS NOT ENOUGH TO END THE RELATIONSHIP ENTIRELY, DIARY.

THUS, THE NEXT MOVE WAS MINE.

AS YOU KNOW, DADDY, MEGAN AND I ARE NOW THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

WE SO LONG TO BE STEPSISTERS.

AND IN THIS SPIRIT, SHE HAS SHARED A CONFIDENCE WITH ME.

YES?

YOU SEE, DADDY, KATHY ONLY ACTED THE WAY SHE DID BECAUSE SHE WAS TESTING YOU, I TOLD HIM.

SHE KNOWS THAT YOU CAN BE FUN, LIKE A BIG CAREFREE CHILD, BUT SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THAT YOU CAN BE A REAL MAN, DADDY.

AND YOU'RE ONLY TELLING HIM THIS

'CAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY, RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

PERFECT. LET'S GO SEE HOW IT'S WORKING.

YOU LOOK GREAT TONIGHT, LITTLE LADY.

WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING ME "LITTLE LADY," COS?

DON'T YOU WORRY YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HEAD ABOUT THAT, MA'AM.

I'LL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

EXCEPT ON SUNDAYS, WHEN I'LL BE WATCHING FOOTBALL ON TV ALL DAY.

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU LOOKING AT MY WOMAN, FELLA?

COS...

NO, SIR.

WELL, DON'T.

AND FETCH ME A STEAK, SON.

BIGGEST ONE YOU GOT.

RAW!

WE DON'T HAVE STEAK, SIR.

OH, YOU DON'T, DO YOU?

WELL, THIS IS A PIZZA PARLOR, SIR.

AHA!

WELL, UH...

WELL, BRING ME THE MANLIEST PIZZA YOU GOT!

AND PUT JELLY BEANS ON IT!

WHAT'S UP WITH MOM AND COS?

THEY'RE HAVING A GROWN-UP TALK.

HOW COME YOU GUYS LOOK SO HAPPY ABOUT IT?

[COINS JINGLING] GO PLAY GAMES, TREV.

AM I VERY STRONG, DUMMY?

[DUMMY VOICE] YES, VERY.

AM I DEPENDABLE, DUMMY?

ABSOLUTELY!

COME ON, LITTLE LADY. LET'S DANCE!

COSMO!

OH! OH!

Cosmo: EVER BEEN SWEPT OFF YOUR FEET BY A MAN LIKE THIS BEFORE?

WHOO HOO!

COSMO!

HERE IN THE U.S. WE HAVE A LITTLE TERM, ARIEL--

"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED."

IN THE YUKON, WE SAY, "GASEOUS MATTER EXPANDED."

RIGHT. UH, WELL...

GASEOUS MATTER EXPANDED, THEN.

YOUR PLAN WAS WISE, MEGAN.

I COULDN'T HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU, ARIEL.

MAYBE I DID MISAPPREHEND YOU.

THE WHOLE CUTTER THING NOTWITHSTANDING.

MAYBE I MISAPPREHENDED YOU AS WELL.

Ariel: THIS WAS STRANGE, DIARY.

MEGAN LARSON AND I WERE SHARING A PLEASANT CONVERSATION.

WE HAD JUST MANAGED TO MAKE OUR PARENTS HATE EACH OTHER, AND NOW WERE WE STARTING TO LIKE, OR AT LEAST TOLERATE, EACH OTHER?

I ONLY ACTED THAT WAY BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO.

Y-YOU MEAN SO MUCH TO ME.

AND I THOUGHT YOU WANTED ME TO ACT THE WAY I DID.

WHO SAID THAT?

INCOMING LOOKS.

THIS IS VERY NOT GOOD.

Megan: WELL, I THOUGHT THAT IF COSMO WERE LIKE THAT, AND YOU WERE, YOU KNOW, MORE LIKE THIS, THEN WE COULD ALL BE MORE...SOMETHING ELSE.

THAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS ANSWER I'VE EVER HEARD, MEGAN.

GIVE ME A FEW MINUTES.

I COULD MAKE IT SOUND MORE CONVINCING.

ARIEL?

OH, SHAME AND IGNOMINY!

I HAVE DISGRACED MYSELF AND MY FAMILY ALL FOR MY OWN SELFISH REASONS.

NO, ARIEL, ARIEL, DON'T CRY.

WE KNOW THIS ISN'T EASY.

WE UNDERSTAND, DON'T WE, COS?

OF COURSE WE DO.

I GUESS IT'S NOT EASY BEING AN ALIEN.

I CAN ENDURE THIS NO LONGER.

[SIGHS] I'M SORRY, FATHER.

MY DARLING FANUL, PLEASE COME SAVE ME FROM THIS HORRID PLACE.

I WAIT FOR YOU EXPECTANTLY.

YOURS, SAWEEZA.

P.S. WHATEVER YOU DO, FANUL, YOU MUST NOT TELL YOUR FATHER, THE EMPEROR S'VAD, WHERE WE ARE.

Megan: PLAN "A" WENT TOTALLY BELLY UP, DIARY, BUT I DEFINITELY HAVE A PLAN "B."

SOMETIMES I WONDER FOR A SECOND IF I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING HERE.

I MEAN, COS IS A COMPLETE FREAK OF NATURE, BUT HE KINDA GROWS ON YOU.

AND ARIEL, WELL, I MEAN, IS IT REALLY HER FAULT THAT EVERYBODY MISTAKES HER WEIRDNESS FOR COOLNESS?

BUT STILL...

Megan: ALL WE HAVE TO DO IS MAKE 'EM FALL FOR SOMEBODY ELSE.

LIKE, MY MOM IS STILL TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH MY DAD.

WELL, NOT LOVE EXACTLY.

ACTUALLY, THEY DON'T EVEN SEEM TO REALLY LIKE EACH OTHER MUCH, BUT THEY WERE MARRIED FOR 10 YEARS.

PLUS, THEY HAD ME AND TREV TOGETHER.

SO THAT IS WHAT ENDED THEIR RELATIONSHIP?

HORRID!

APPALLING.

GROTESQUE.

DREADFUL.

LOSER!

WHAT ABOUT YOUR DAD? IS THERE ANYBODY YOU'VE MET WHO'S EVEN SORT OF LIKE YOUR MOM?

WELL, IN FACT, YOUR MOTHER, KATHY LARSON, HAS A WARMTH AND PLEASANTNESS TO HER THAT ARE REMINISCENT OF MY MOTHER.

IN THAT SENSE, I CAN SEE WHY MY FATHER ENJOYS HER COMPANY AND IS CHEERED BY HER.

FOR THAT MATTER, MY MOM SEEMS TO GET ALONG BETTER WITH YOUR DAD THAN SHE EVER DID WITH MINE.

I MEAN, THEY DO LAUGH A LOT MORE.

YES, THEY DO.

AND TREV LOVES YOUR DAD.

MY FATHER LOVES TREV.

BUT ANYWAY-- [CLEARS THROAT]

YES, ANYWAY-- [CLEARS THROAT]

THERE IS ONE INDIVIDUAL.

DO YOU KNOW THE SPIRITUAL GUIDE SERENA SOO?

[BELL RINGS]

DIDN'T SHE BELIEVE SHE WAS, LIKE, NAPOLEON OR SOMETHING?

WELL, SHE'S QUITE MISGUIDED IN HER BELIEFS, BUT HER MANNER IS AT LEAST CALM AND HARMONIOUS.

THAT'S PERFECT.

SO HERE'S THE PLAN.

WE'LL TELL OUR PARENTS THAT WE WANT TO THROW 'EM A PARTY.

YOU KNOW, TO MAKE THINGS UP TO THEM.

PARENTS LOVE IT WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THINGS UP TO THEM.

WE'LL INVITE EVERYBODY, AND PRESTO!

CHEMISTRY TAKES OVER.

MY DAD HAS ME AND TREV THIS WEEKEND.

IT'S PERFECT.

[VIDEO GAME BEEPING]

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT YOU WERE RIGHT, TREV.

COS IS AN ALIEN.

I KNOW THAT.

A BAD ALIEN.

HE IS NOT.

TREVOR, WHEN HAVE I EVER LIED TO YOU?

EVERY DAY?

WELL, THIS TIME I'M NOT.

COSMO IS ONE SERIOUSLY SCARY ALIEN.

I DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO SHOW YOU THIS, BUT...

LOOK.

"MY PLANE--"

PLAN. MY PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

BY COSMO COLA.

CHAPTER ONE...

EAT TREVOR.

W-WHAT DO I NEED TO DO?

♪ ALL RIGHT ♪ MOM AND COS'LL BE BACK IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES, AND MY DAD AND SERENA SOO'LL BE HERE, TOO.

♪ FIRST OF ALL ♪

♪ WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE EVENING ♪

[FOOD PROCESSOR WHIRS]

♪ FIND YOURSELF THINKING ABOUT THE THINGS... ♪ WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

ARIEL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM PREPARING THE FOOD.

I PUT THE STUFF IN DIFFERENT BOWLS 'CAUSE THEY'RE, LIKE, ACTUALLY DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE MEAL.

DO THEY NOT ALL END UP IN THE INTESTINAL TRACT?

WELL, YEAH, BUT--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

♪ PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE... ♪

[SIGHS] I WILL BE RID OF HER SOON.

♪ PUT A SMILE ON YOUR FACE ♪

♪ MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE... ♪ I AM SERENA SOO.

YOU MUST BE MEGAN.

HI. COME ON IN.

ARIEL!

MY SWEET! IT'S BEEN DAYS!

WHERE IS YOUR FATHER?

♪ YOU CAN SAY THAT I'M A DREAMER... ♪ CAN I COME OUT YET?

GO BACK TO BED, TREV.

WHO'S THAT LADY?

[WHISPERS] She's a bad alien, too.

Go back to your room, ok?

AWW...

YOU WERE MICKEY MANTLE, ROKY.

A FAMOUS BASEBALL PLAYER.

MAYBE YOU TWO COULD GET A GAME UP.

Cos: OH, MY!

IT WAS WONDERFUL! IT WAS SICK!

I RODE UNDERNEATH THE BOARD.

HE REALLY DID.

WOW, LOOK AT THIS!

GREAT JOB, GIRLS.

DADDY, LOOK WHO HAS JOINED US.

OUR NEIGHBOR, SERENA SOO.

WHAT'S THE NEWS, SERENA SOO?

YOU POSSESS GREAT SAVAGE BLUSTER, MR. COLA, AND YET, THERE IS AN INNER CHILD CRYING OUT FOR TENDERNESS AND COMPASSION.

ACTUALLY, I THINK THAT'S MY STOMACH.

MUST BE HUNGRY!

[CHUCKLES]

HI!

I'M KATHY LARSON.

KATHY, YOU WEAR A NIMBUS OF DISTRUST.

RIGHT. I GOT IT AT THE MALL.

HUMOR CAN BE SUCH AN EFFECTIVE DEFENSE, CAN'T IT, KATHY?

ONLY AGAINST PEOPLE WHO HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOMETHING TO DRINK, SERENA?

I WILL HAVE A CHAI.

MEGAN. ARIEL.

WHAT ARE YOU GIRLS UP TO?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'LL GET IT!

DADDY!

HONEY, HI.

Kathy: FRED? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE TODAY?

MEGAN TOLD ME TO COME TODAY.

YOU DID?

WELL, I THOUGHT DADDY MIGHT WANT TO JOIN US FOR DINNER.

ABOUT THAT, HONEY, I STILL HAVE SOME WORK TO DO.

IS IT OK IF I JUST PICK YOU GUYS UP AND BRING YOU BACK TO MY PLACE?

I CAN BRING MY STUFF HOME AND WORK WHILE YOU GUYS WATCH TV. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

BUT WE CAN'T, DADDY, BECAUSE--

BECAUSE TREV-- HE'S SICK.

REALLY HE IS.

COME ON, I'LL SHOW YOU.

[COUGHING]

ELIZABETH, I'M COMING TO JOIN YA.

ELIZABETH!

FRED SANFORD! EXCELLENT!

Trevor: ELIZABETH!

TREVOR?

IF YOU AND MOM GET BACK TOGETHER, CAN I STILL PLAY WITH COS SOMETIMES, EVEN IF HE IS BAD?

WHO'S COS?

Megan: UM, DAD, ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO STAY FOR DINNER, AS LONG AS YOU'RE ALREADY HERE?

Megan: THINGS WERE NOT GOING EXACTLY AS I'D PLANNED, AND IN THE KITCHEN, DIARY, IT WAS EVEN WORSE.

[COS COUGHS] I MUST TELL YOU, SERENA SOO, THAT MANY, IF NOT ALL OF YOUR IDEAS ARE HIGHLY IMPROBABLE, IF NOT IMPOSSIBLE.

YOU'RE BLOCKING THE TRAUMA, COSMO.

YOU DID DIE IN THE CIVIL WAR.

I PROMISE YOU I DIDN'T.

YOU REALLY DID, AND YOU WERE A RACCOON IN ANOTHER LIFE.

WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH THESE THINGS?

[CHUCKLES] I'M HIGHLY SENSITIVE, AND I AM ALSO PRESCIENT.

I KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN.

DO YOU?

YES, IT'S A GREAT GI-- [COUGHING]

[FLY BUZZING]

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU KIDS ARE UP TO, MEGAN, BUT IF YOU WANT TO COME TO MY HOUSE FOR DINNER, WE'D BETTER GET GOING.

I'VE ALREADY LOST AN HOUR.

THEN YOU'LL ONLY BE 23/7 TODAY?

VERY FUNNY.

WHO ARE YOU?

COSMO COLA-- KATHY'S FIANCE.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

IT WAS KIND OF SUDDEN.

COSMO AND I MET SHORTLY AFTER HE AND ARIEL, HIS DAUGHTER, MOVED HERE FROM THE YUKON.

NO ONE LIVES IN THE YUKON.

ANYWAY, WE'RE VERY HAPPY TOGETHER, AND WE'VE DECIDED TO MARRY.

I NEED AN ANTACID.

[COUGHING]

IT'S NOT AN ANTACID YOU NEED.

IT'S HARMONY.

WHAT?

YOUR SOUL IS THAT OF A WARRIOR.

IT NEEDS TO BE CALMED, NOT EXCITED.

YOU ARE VERY PERCEPTIVE.

I...AM SERENA SOO.

FRED LARSON.

[NERVOUS LAUGH]

DINNERTIME, EVERYBODY.

OK...MOM, YOU CAN SIT OVER THERE NEXT TO DAD...

AND COS AND SERENA SOO CAN SIT RIGHT HERE NEXT TO EACH OTHER.

YOU KNOW, FOR A NICE MIX AND ALL.

TREVOR, NOT THERE.

YOU GIVE AND YOU GIVE AND YOU GIVE, FRED.

24 HOURS A DAY, 7 DAYS A WEEK.

AND WHAT DO YOU ASK FOR IN RETURN?

A LITTLE RESPECT. A LITTLE CONSIDERATION.

IT'S TRUE.

WELL, GIRLS, THIS LOOKS...

VERY INVENTIVE.

THEY USED MY RECIPE.

Serena Soo: PERHAPS I COULD CLEANSE YOUR AURA.

I'VE NEVER HAD ANYONE CLEANSE MY AURA BEFORE.

OH, YOU MUST LET ME DO A PSYCHIC READING...

Megan: THIS HAD TO BE STOPPED, DIARY.

DAD WAS RIGHT ON THE VERGE OF FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE BLAIR WITCH.

SO I DID THE FIRST THING I COULD THINK OF.

I'M SURE I COULD SQUEEZE IN A LITTLE--

AAH!

I KNOW, I KNOW. IT SEEMS TOTALLY LAME.

BUT AT THAT MOMENT, IT WAS ALL I COULD THINK OF TO AT LEAST GET PEOPLE MAD AT EACH OTHER...

BUT EVEN THAT DIDN'T WORK.

AT LAST!

THE PERFECT MOMENT!

AAH!

WHOO HOO-- HO HO!

I DON'T THINK I EVER USED THE WORD DEBACLE BEFORE, DIARY, BUT THIS WAS DEFINITELY ONE...

OR MAYBE IT WAS A FIASCO.

WHATEVER IT WAS, IT WASN'T GOOD.

[SHRIEKING LAUGHTER]

I LOOKED OVER AT ARIEL, AND SHE LOOKED SUPER-STRANGE.

IT WAS LIKE, I DON'T KNOW...

SHE WAS FALLING APART OR SOMETHING.

AND WHEN I FOLLOWED HER, THE WEIRDEST THING EVER HAPPENED.

I'M NOT EVEN REALLY SURE HOW TO DESCRIBE IT.

[HOOTING AND LAUGHING]

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

AAH! AAH!

SHE HAS NO BODY!

SHE HAS NO BODY!

SHE'S JUST LIKE A BLOB!

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, MEGAN?

GET AWAY FROM ME!

MEGAN, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?

DIDN'T YOU HER ME? SHE'S AN ALIEN!

MAYBE YOU FEEL LIKE AN ALIEN SOMETIMES, MEGAN, HMM?

I'VE SEEN THIS REACTION BEFORE.

IT'S HARDLY UNCOMMON.

MANY CHILDREN FEAR CHANGE OF THIS MAGNITUDE.

MEGAN HAS GOTTEN USED TO YOUR CURRENT LIVING ARRANGEMENT, NOT SHARING YOU, AT LEAST WITH ANOTHER PARENT.

WITH YOUR IMPENDING MARRIAGE, THAT BALANCE WILL BE UPSET.

THIS ALIEN STORY IS MERELY AN ATTEMPT TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.

THEN YOU THINK IT'S ALL RIGHT TO GO THROUGH WITH THE WEDDING?

AS LONG AS IT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

I THINK IT'S IMPERATIVE... FOR HER SAKE.

HOW DO I LOOK?

GREAT.

THIS IS ALL GONNA WORK OUT, MEG.

I PROMISE.

MOM, HE'S AN ALIEN.

I KNOW. BUT AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, HE WANTS TO BECOME A CITIZEN.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

I KNOW.

[SIGH]

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO STOP YOU FROM MARRYING COS?

MEGAN...

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT YOU PROMISED YOU WOULDN'T MARRY HIM IF I DIDN'T LEARN TO LIKE HIM.

OH, MEGAN, HONEY, I HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS LONG AND HARD, AND I'VE TALKED TO THE DOCTOR ABOUT IT.

IF I, FOR ONE SECOND, THOUGHT YOUR FEARS WERE JUSTIFIED...

I KNOW THAT HE'S DIFFERENT.

IT'S PART OF WHAT MAKES HIM SO WONDERFUL.

COSMO MAKES ME SO HAPPY, HONEY.

AND I KNOW THAT THIS MARRIAGE IS GONNA MAKE THIS FAMILY HAPPY, TOO.

DO YOU THINK I'M GOING CRAZY?

WE'RE ALL A LITTLE CRAZY AROUND HERE.

THAT'S WHAT MAKES US SO SPECIAL.

I LOVE YOU, SWEETIE.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, MOM.

EVERYTHING IS GONNA WORK OUT JUST FINE.

♪ ALL I NEED, ALL MY LIFE, IS TO LOVE SOMEBODY... ♪ OH, NO, THANK YOU.

[BARKING]

HA HA, ROKY. HI, BABY.

MEGAN, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

YES, FUTURE DAUGHTER, YOU'RE MORE LOVELY THAN CORNFLAKES AND ROOT BEAR.

HEH HEH.

THANKS...I GUESS.

WHERE'S ARIEL?

UH, SHE'LL BE JOINING US SHORTLY.

I BELIEVE SHE NEEDED A MOMENT OF MEDITATION TO...

COLLECT HERSELF.

OR MAYBE SHE'S JUST KICKING BACK IN THE SINK.

GOOD-BYE, ZIRCALON. GOOD-BYE, FANUL.

GOOD-BYE, SAWEEZA.

HELLO, SAWEEZA.

IS IT POSSIBLE? IS IT?

IT IS I, FANUL.

FANUL...POWERFULLY GRATEFUL I AM TO SEE YOU.

PLEASE! SAWEEZA, SUCH PHYSICAL PROXIMITY IS REPULSIVE TO ME.

UM...I'M SORRY, FANUL.

WE MUST MOVE QUICKLY.

DADDY, OR COSMO COLA, AS HE IS CALLED HERE, IS SUPPOSED TO COMMIT HIMSELF IN MARRIAGE TO THE EARTH WOMAN, KATHY LARSON, IN LESS THAN AN HOUR.

S'vad: YOUR FATHER IS VERY DANGEROUS TO ME, SAWEEZA.

HE WANTS CHANGE.

WHAT IS OUR VIEW OF CHANGE, FANUL?

CHANGE IS BAD.

THINGS SHOULD AND MUST STAY EXACTLY AS THEY ARE.

BUT CHANGE IS NOT ALWAYS BAD, EMPEROR.

SAWEEZA.

ALREADY THIS PLANET HAS POISONED HER MIND.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN FROZEN SOLID, SAWEEZA?

IT CAN BE REVERSED, BUT ONLY AT MY PLEASURE.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT YOUR FATHER TO BE FROZEN FOREVER, WOULD YOU, SAWEEZA?

NO.

GOOD. THEN YOU WILL LEAD US TO HIM, WON'T YOU?

WON'T YOU?

HELLO, IS THE LOO OCCUPADO?

OH, I'M SORRY.

WRONG ROOM.

HELLO, SERENA SOO.

ARIEL, MY SWEET.

WELL, WHO ARE YOUR CHARMING FRIENDS?

THIS IS MIKE...

AND HIS FATHER, DOUG.

THEY'RE FROM THE YUKON ALSO.

PLEASURE.

YOU WILL LEAD US TO COSMO COLA.

OH, THERE IS NO NEED TO BE SO TENSE.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME NICE RELAXING HERBAL GUM?

BE SILENT.

[GASP] AAH!

WHAT ANNOYING CREATURES THESE EARTHLINGS ARE.

EMPEROR, PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT.

PERHAPS WE ARE ANNOYING CREATURES--

"WE"?

THEY...

BUT, EMPEROR, THERE'S MORE TO IT THAN THAT.

THERE'S A WARMTH AND KINDNESS TO THESE HUMANS, A BRAVERY THAT MIGHT SURPRISE YOU...

IF YOU GAVE 'EM A CHANCE.

SOMETIMES... ONE MUST BE CRUEL IN ORDER TO BE KIND, SAWEEZA.

FANUL, GUARD THE PRISONER.

I SHALL FIND COSMO COLA MYSELF.

FANUL, PLEASE.

HE IS MY FATHER, SAWEEZA.

I HAVE NO CHOICE.

I WISH I DID.

INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!

UH, CUTE KID. EXCUSE ME.

WHERE DO YOU WANT THE 82 CASES OF ROOT BEER?

I WILL ASSIST WITH THE BEVERAGES.

HURRY BACK.

COME, YOUNG TREVOR.

WE WILL VANQUISH THE VILLAINS TOGETHER!

MEGAN, CAN YOU GO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND ARIEL? WE'RE ABOUT TO START.

IN A MINUTE.

MEGAN, THE FUTURE MRS. COLA, I'M TELLING YOU, IT IS A LOVELY DAY FOR A WEDDING.

OF COURSE, I'D RATHER BE WINDSURFING.

NO DOUBT.

MEGAN, I'M SERIOUS. GO FIND YOUR SISTER.

SHE'S NOT MY SISTER.

OH, I'LL GO GET HER. WHERE IS SHE?

[SIGH] COME ON.

MAN, ARE THESE FAT-FREE?

I MEAN, THEY LOOK FAT-FREE, BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN 'EM SUCH A GOLDEN BROWN BEFORE.

[SIGH]

CHIP?

HEH.

WHAT IS THAT?

THAT IS SERENA SOO.

[PANTING]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HEH.

ARIEL, WHAT'S GOING ON?

WHO IS THAT?

THAT IS FANUL.

FANUL, YOUR BOYFRIEND, FANUL?

HE AND HIS FATHER, THE EMPEROR S'VAD, HAVE COME FOR MY FATHER.

I KNEW THAT GUY WASN'T INVITED...

BUT WHAT DOES HE WANT WITH YOU YOUR FATHER?

MY FATHER IS A GREAT FREEDOM FIGHTER ON ZIRCALON, MEGAN.

ZIRCA-WHAT?

ZIRCALON. OUR HOME PLANET.

YOU WERE ENTIRELY CORRECT IN ALL OF YOUR INFERENCES, MEGAN.

MY FATHER AND I ARE ALIENS.

WHY DID YOU COME HERE?

JUST TO MAKE ME FEEL INFERIOR OR WHAT?

WE CAME TO ESCAPE POLITICAL REPRESSION ON ZIRCALON.

WE STAYED BECAUSE MY FATHER FELL DEEPLY IN LOVE WITH YOUR MOTHER.

AND THAT'S IT?

YOU'RE JUST A KID WHO GOT STUCK ON A WHOLE NEW PLANET WHERE YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANYBODY?

THAT'S BOGUS.

I CHANGED HOMEROOM LAST YEAR, AND IT TOTALLY THREW ME OFF FOR, LIKE, 6 MONTHS.

I GUESS I HAVEN'T BEEN MUCH OF A HELP, HAVE I?

YOU CAN HELP ME NOW, MEGAN.

WELL, I CAN TRY.

WHAT?

I WAS QUITE WRONG ABOUT YOU.

YOU ARE NOT THE CRUEL, HEARTLESS BEING I ONCE IMAGINED.

YOU ARE, IN TRUTH, INCREDIBLY BRAVE AND FEARLESS.

WELL, I'M HARDLY FEARLESS.

YOU ARE, COMPARED TO ME.

WELL, HEY, WHO DIED AND MADE YOU DICTATOR, DUDE?

WATCH THIS ONE, TOO, FANUL.

YES, FATHER.

YOU'RE EXTREMELY RUDE, DO YOU KNOW THAT?

SILENCE, PEON!

MAN, I SERIOUSLY GOTTA IMPROVE MY VOCABULARY.

OH, CHECK IT OUT. IT'S A PARTY.

HEY, MEGAN, ARIEL.

THAT'S PRETTY UNUSUAL.

OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I LOVE THAT YOU COULD COME.

WILL YOU JUST EXCUSE ME?

UH-HUH.

HI, CAN I HELP YOU?

I'M LOOKING FOR THE ONE CALLED COSMO COLA.

OH, I THINK HE'S STILL OUT FRONT.

IF YOU SEE HIM, WOULD YOU TELL HIM THE CEREMONY'S STARTING IN 15...

MINUTES?

YOU HAVE TAKEN ME FAR FROM HOME.

ARE YOU READY TO PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES?

S'VAD?

EMPEROR S'VAD, TO YOU.

YOU WILL COME WITH ME...NOW.

WHOA. I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE LIKE THAT BEFORE.

YOU WANT TO TRADE?

TREVOR...

THIS IS MY FRIEND, MR. S'VAD.

HE, UH...

HE LOVES TO PLAY HIDE AND SEEK.

COOL. ME, TOO.

SO WHY DON'T YOU LET US COUNT TO 100...

AND WE'LL COME FIND YOU.

OK, BUT NO CHEATING.

PROMISE.

AFTER YOU.

FANUL, PLEASE?

OH, I CANNOT, SAWEEZA. I AM SORRY.

LOOK, DWEEB, JUST LET US OUT OF HERE NOW, OK?

OK? WHAT?

THIS DUDE'S FULLY SCAMMIN' ON YOU, MEGAN.

EWW.

MINT?

HMM.

CURIOUSLY STRONG.

OH, EXACTLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I FIND I LIKE MEGAN'S BROWN HEAD BETTER THAN ARIEL'S YELLOW HEAD.

HA, I HEAR YA, BRO.

YOU SEE, THAT'S A BETTY AND VERONICA THING.

I MEAN, THAT'S FREEDOM OF CHOICE.

RIGHT ON, BRO. HIGH 5!

NEVER MIND, MAN.

HAVE YOU DECIDED YET HOW TO BEST END THIS TREACHEROUS CAPTIVITY?

MAYBE...BUT YOU'VE GOT TO WORK WITH ME HERE.

SO, FANUL, YOU MUST HAVE A LOT OF POWER BACK ON YOUR HOME PLANET.

YOU KNOW, BEING THE SON OF THE EMPEROR AND ALL.

WELL, IT'S A GREAT HONOR TO DO MY FATHER'S BIDDING...

AND TIME-CONSUMING.

WELL, DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TIME FOR FUN?

WELL, MY DUTIES DO COME FIRST, BUT SOMETIMES I'M ALLOWED TO POWER FLOAT.

IT'S MOST ENJOYABLE.

UH...HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

WELL, FIRST, YOU NEED TO BE A BUBBLE.

I--I DON'T THINK I COULD DO THAT.

SO, THEN, IT'S KIND OF LIMITED, ISN'T IT?

AROUND HERE, WE HAVE LOTS OF FREE TIME. DON'T WE, CUTTER?

OH, YEAH.

AND LOTS OF CHOICES. LIKE WINDSURFING, SKATEBOARDING--

OH, OH, HEY, FANUL, YOU EVER, LIKE, MOUNTAIN BIKE OFF A LEDGE INTO A RIVER AND THEN, LIKE, FLOATED DOWN THE RAPIDS?

NOW, THAT IS EXTREME.

IT DOES SOUND RECREATIONAL.

OH, DEFINITELY, FANUL.

WE RECREATE CONSTANTLY.

THAT'S ONE OF THE COOLEST THINGS ABOUT EARTH.

LIKE LAST YEAR, FOR INSTANCE, I TOTALLY BLADED DOWN THIS MOUNTAIN.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, OK, I KINDA FELL MOSTLY, YOU KNOW, BUT IT WAS STILL COOL.

I WAS ALL LIKE, YEAH!

AND WHAT OTHER STUFF CAN WE DO, CUTTER?

YES, CUTTER, WHAT OTHER CHOICES CAN WE MAKE HERE?

OK, WELL, LIKE, UH...

OH, YEAH, WE HAVE FULLY 18 DIFFERENT FLAVORS OF POTATO CHIPS, ALL OF WHICH ARE EXCELLENT.

EXCEPT YOGURT-FLAVORED, IT'S KINDA WEIRD.

YOU SEE, FANUL, THIS PLANET IS ALL ABOUT FREEDOM OF CHOICE.

CAN YOU IMAGINE, PEOPLE HERE HAVE THE FREEDOM TO FALL DOWN MOUNTAINS, EAT THE CHIPS OF MANY FLAVORS.

BE VAPID AND SHALLOW.

UH, UH, EXACTLY.

BUT YOUR DAD, MAN, HE'S LIKE A FULL-ON TYRANT, DUDE.

WHOA, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I KNEW THAT WORD.

TYRANT. COOL.

HE DOESN'T WANT ANY FREEDOM AT ALL.

HE, LIKE, FROZE THAT LADY.

YOU KNOW? OK, IT MAY LOOK REALLY COOL, YOU KNOW, BUT... IT ISN'T.

IN FACT, HERE, IT IS THE VERY ANTITHESIS OF COOL.

WHICH, I SUPPOSE, WOULD BE UNCOOL.

I THINK I UNDERSTAND.

OH, RIGHTEOUS!

SO, THEN, MAYBE IT'S TIME YOU STAND UP TO YOUR FATHER?

FOR, LIKE, FREEDOM AND LIBERTY, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THIS MAY BE, LIKE, THE ONLY PLANET IN THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE WITH 18 DIFFERENT FLAVORS OF POTATO CHIPS, OK?

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA THINK OF THAT.

SAY IT, FANUL.

I KNOW YOU HAVE IT IN YOU.

I KNOW THAT GOODNESS AND RIGHTEOUSNESS MAKE UP THE VERY CORE OF YOUR BEING.

WE'RE OUT OF HERE, DUDES.

I CAN SEE WHY YOU LIKE FANUL. HE'S KINDA CUTE.

I FOUND HIM MORE APPEALING AS A SHIMMERING GASBAG.

ENTER THE TELEPORTATION GRID, PRISONER.

S'VAD, LISTEN--

TRAITOR!

FOR THE CRIME OF QUESTIONING MY AUTHORITY, I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER...

TO BE ETERNALLY FROZEN.

PLEASE, NOT SAWEEZA. TAKE ME!

GOOD, FANUL, DID YOU BRING THE GIRL?

YES, FATHER.

WHAT IS THIS? THAT'S NOT SAWEEZA.

NO, BUT I'M HER STEPSISTER...

AND THAT HAPPENS TO BE MY STEPFATHER THAT YOU HAVE THERE.

SO YOU BETTER LET 'EM GO NOW, OK?

BROWNHEAD!

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

IT'S TIME TO MAKE SOME CHANGES, FATHER.

CHANGE?

CLEARLY YOUR MIND HAS BEEN WARPED.

WHEN WE GET HOME, I WILL REMIND YOU THAT THE PRICE FOR CHANGE IS ETERNAL FREEZING.

NOW ENTER THE GRID.

NOT UNTIL YOU LET THEM GO.

PUT THE PRISONER IN THE GRID!

NO!

YOU'RE NOT TAKING COSMO.

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, GASBAG.

DON'T MESS WITH MY FAMILY, DUDE.

NO DOUBT.

[DRYER MOTORS WHIR]

FOOLISH CHILDREN, DO NOT QUESTION MY AUTHORITY!

IT'S INCREDIBLE. CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

I'M SURE THEY'LL BE HERE...

ANY MINUTE NOW.

YOUR TINY MACHINES HAVE NO EFFECT ON ME.

Megan: THIS IS VERY NOT GOOD.

ARIEL, FANUL...

[LEAF BLOWER MOTOR]

TRY THIS ON FOR SIZE, SUCKER!

NOT THE WIND!

NOT THE WIND!

TREVOR, YOU FULLY ROCK.

OH, TREVOR-MAN, YEAH! GO, TREVOR.

[LEAF BLOWERS WHIRRING]

CAN'T THEY SEE WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A WEDDING HERE?

WHAT NERVE.

ALL RIGHT.

SWEET! ALL RIGHT! UNREAL!

HEY, THAT WAS COOL, TREVOR-MAN.

DOES THIS MEAN COS CAN GO BACK TO BEING A GOOD ALIEN?

COOL.

DADDY! HA HA! OHH! HA HA HA!

THANK YOU, MEGAN LARSON.

WE'RE FAMILY...

OR AT LEAST WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

TIME FOR YOU TO GET MARRIED.

REALLY, THANK YOU, I'M SORRY, AT ANY MINUTE.

Cos: KATHY!

MOM!

SO SORRY TO HAVE KEPT YOU WAITING.

I WOULD WAIT FOREVER FOR YOU.

HONEY, HAVE YOU SEEN SERENA?

UHH.

COSMO, REPEAT AFTER ME:

I, COSMO, TAKE THEE, KATHERINE, TO BE MY WIFE.

I, COSMO, TAKE THEE, KATHERINE, TO BE MY WIFE.

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD FROM THIS DAY FORWARD...

TO HAVE AND TO HOLD FROM THIS DAY FORWARD...

TO LOVE--

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

FRED LARSON.

Megan: WELL, DIARY, I GUESS SOME THINGS ARE JUST NEVER GONNA CHANGE.

NO, THAT'S FINE. NO, RING ME ANY TIME.

Reverend: TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH...

Cos: TO LOVE, HONOR, AND CHERISH...

FOR RICHER, FOR POORER...

FOR RICHER, FOR POORER...

♪ IT WAS YOU THAT ♪

♪ PICKED ME UP WHEN I WAS DOWN ♪

♪ ONE LOOK IN YOUR EYES CAN TURN ME AROUND ♪ DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO GO BACK TO ZIRCALON?

WITH MY FATHER IN HIS CURRENT CONDITION, IT'S UP TO ME TO GOVERN OUR PLANET.

I'LL COME BACK...

ONCE I'VE MADE A FEW CHANGES.

[ROCK PLAYS]

Ariel: LIFE ON THIS STRANGE PLANET CONTINUES TO CONFUSE AND AMUSE ME, DIARY.

IT'S ODD.

I THOUGHT MY LIFE WAS COMPLETELY OVER WHEN I CAME TO EARTH.

BUT NOW I CAN SEE THAT IT WAS ONLY JUST BEGINNING.

A NEW BOYFRIEND WHO, AS FAR AS CUMBERSOME BAGS OF SKIN GOES, IS ACTUALLY QUITE APPEALING.

A NEW STEPMOTHER...

EVEN A NEW BEST FRIEND.

Megan: WELL, DIARY, I GUESS THIS IS THE PART WHERE I ADMIT THAT I ACTUALLY LEARNED SOMETHING FROM THESE LAST COUPLE MONTHS...AND I DID, BUT I THINK I'LL JUST KEEP IT TO MYSELF.

I MEAN, WHO WOULD EVER BELIEVE ALL THIS ANYWAY?

LET'S JUST SAY, THANKS TO MY NEW STEPSISTER, THERE'S ROOM FOR EVERYBODY AT THE POPULAR TABLE.

COME ON, SIT WITH US.