Stir Crazy (1980) Script

Who needs Hollywood?

I hear they're really nuts out there.

Give me a town like old New York With lots of trees And clean, fresh air I need a place Where love is everywhere They say I'm Crazy Just a little bit out of whack

'Cause I always like to act my dreams out They call me a maniac Well, if I'm crazy What a wonderful way to be Imagine all the possibilities If the whole world was just like me Crazy, crazy Everyone thinks I'm crazy But I've got a feeling deep inside They'd all like to be just like me

So once in a while Set yourself free Who needs reality

A study in imperfection Bit I'm just trying to find a little affection Wouldn't you like that too People say I'm crazy

'Cause I say the first thing on my mind I guess freedom is a serious crime these days Well, lock the door and then Throw away the key I guess being crazy's best for me


Marvelous salad! Marvelous!

May I have more, please? Yes, sir.

Me, too, please. And count me in. it is divine.

Tell Sissie everything so far is excellent.

She'll be real pleased, ma'am. And I'll have a little more of that.

A fraction more. One full salad. Yes, ma'am.

Is it ready?

Needs a little more oregano. I put a whole lot in already.

Just a touch more.

Where'd you get this? This isn't my oregano.

Out of your bag. That's the waiter's bag.

Four more salads for four very hungry people who are...

What's wrong with you, Mavis?

Harry, what is this?

That's personal.

What is it? It ain't oregano.

Oh, my God.

You put this in the veal?

And the soup. No!

And the salad.

Lord have mercy! Grass!

My grass.

Jesus! You've cooked half my stash!

Hello. Excuse me, dear. May I talk with you for one minute?

Up your kazoo.

Wait, please. I'm not trying to be a pest.

I know you're an actress. Who are you?

My name is Skip Donahue. I'm a playwright.

I saw you do a scene from "Romeo and Juliet" at the Wilson Workshop.

You are wonderful. I'm not just saying that to be kind.

If you don't get out of my way, I'm going to kick you in the nuts.

Kick in the nuts?

You're fantastic, the way you can switch characters like that.

The difference between this and your Juliet is fabulous.

By the way, I know you're not wearing anything underneath that coat.

What?

I also know that you're a shoplifter, part-time.

What are you, some Looney Toon?

No. I'm the store detective here, part-time.

Mrs. R.H. was my best customer too.

Well, I was James's best customer.

That's the guy who sold me this African ganji '65!

Do you understand what you've done to me?

My girlfriend Caroline, just for a little of this... not only was gonna let me have her mind and her body... but two of her girlfriends.

She'll ruin me when she finds out. I'm finished.

Maybe she'll think it's the wine.

Think it's the wine? There's no wine in the world that...

Smell that.

This is '65 African ganji from the motherland!

Do you understand? It's been soaked in the earth back home!

This is mean!

One joint of this put Southern California... to sleep back in '65!

Did you know there was a revolution in '65?

We went to sleep and missed it because of this.

This is mean. This is bad. And you just spread it over everything.

I hope you had fun, 'cause I ain't gonna have no fun!

I saw you try on that dress and pretend to steal it.

You even managed to look guilty, which was terrific... because you are a wonderful actress.

I also saw you slip into the Junior Miss department, take off the dress... and throw it in the trash bin.

Let me get this right, shit-head.

You kill me.

You think that I was a terrific Juliet.

You were. Thanks.

And you think that I stole a dress and then threw it away!

Right.

And you don't think I have anything on under this coat.

I know you don't.

More wine, sir?

What is this stuff? It's domestic, '65. Hot, isn't it?

Was that a good year?

Yes, the best ever. It's a bitch.

What did you say?

I didn't say nothing.

I'm feeling something very strange.

That's my leg.

That's all right. Hit him again, Harry.

Yes, ma'am.

Hitting you again, Father.

You know, I've never felt like this before.

Now, I'm... Horny?

Yes?

Which reminds me.

There's something I've always wanted to ask someone like you.

Do you get much?

Not too often. Just the occasional glass at dinner.

That's not what she meant.

But you haven't got a chance You can look, bit you can't touch Eat your heart out You put on something, son They're a double feature, so go on Now you can eat your heart out

She's bronze But she's off the menu She's not yours To have or even hold You're lost You can't believe it, can you She's bad, but her love's as good as gold

Harry. Yes, yes, yes!

The most wonderful thing in my life just happened to me.

Me too.

Her heart is taken And you're just hanging on She's bad, ain't she?

Cut it out.

I got fired today.

I got fired too. What are you talking about?

I got fired from my job. You got fired? Today?

This afternoon? Yep.

Between 3:30 and 4:00? Yeah, about that.

What happened? I win a big prize?

Yeah, baby? This is fantastic!

Any deaths in the family? We can celebrate them too.

Don't you know what I'm talking about? Skip!

Hiya, Nancy. Nancy?

How're you doin', honey? How're you doin', Nancy?

I'm sitting back there. Nice seeing you, baby.

You don't introduce me to something like that?

She's not for you. What do you mean?

Nancy is a fascinating girl. Yeah.

She may be the single hottest girl on the Eastside... but when you wake up in the morning, you'll find she's not a serious person.

Neither am I.

Harry, listen to me.

For the first time in our lives, we're free.

Yeah, we're free! Free to walk out in the cold.

To be ridiculed, to starve to death!

I mean we're free to get out of this city! It's driving me fucking...

What are you trying to pull, man?

I gave you $10. What do you think I am, crazy?

It's 8.50 on the clock.

You gave me a buck, not ten.

Bullshit! I gave you a ten. Why are you trying to steal from me?

Get lost, Chico!

You see what this city does to people? They need room to breathe.

They need a little love. They need affection.

The little guy needs his money... and the big guy needs a two-by-four upside his head.

All those two fellas need is someone to talk to them gently, with compassion.

That's all they need.

Are you serious?

You know that I'm serious. That's what I don't like about this city.

You're a saint. Why do you make fun of me?

You ought to go to those fellas...

They're gonna understand what you're talking about...

'Cause you convinced me.

You tell them what you told me.

Go on over there.

Skip, what are you...

Don't go over there.

Hi, Donna.

Call me?

Excuse me. Hold on. Hold on one second, fellas.

Listen to me. I know this is a delicate situation... but let's talk a little sense.

You don't really want to hurt this man, do you?

No, not at all.

Do you want more than what's coming to you?

No, that's all right. Then we're halfway home.

Can't we work this out? It's okay with me.

By the way, sir, what is your name?

Alex.

And you, sir? My name is Chico.

Alex, may I present Chico.

Chico, this is Alex. How do you do?

Wallet.

Thanks.

Does this include the tip? Yes. And keep the other dollar.

Thanks, man. Thanks a lot.

I'm going to leave you alone because you seem to have a nice friendship starting.

Have a nice evening. Thank you.

So long, fellas. Take care.

Well? What if you got hurt?

Did you think about that?

Do you see what can be accomplished if you can get people... to make real contact with each other?

The little man there had the contact.

It might've been something you said, 'cause he got his point across.

I don't like it here anymore. I want to get out.

Let's go where there's some sunshine...

Where there's human feelings between people... where there's tenderness and kindness, where the noise level is not so loud.

You want to leave New York? Broadway?

You love New York and Broadway? I got a call-back on a Neil Simon play.

I'm an actor, and I'm going to stay in New York. That's right.

You made $35 last year as an actor.

How much you make as a playwright? I made nothing as a playwright!

That's why I want to get out of this place. Let's go someplace.

We can head out west.

We could grab odd jobs along the way, build up a wonderful nest egg... then head for Hollywood.

That's the place for you and me. Picture it.

Harry and Skip in the Sunbelt.

Out there in the Sunbelt... you just smile and they pour money on you.

And the women.

Oh, God, the women.

Natural, robust... open, carefree, uninhibited... healthy.

Talk some more.

You can talk shit, man. Just picture this.

You and me, and two girls...

Romping through the desert...

Splashing into the ocean.

And the moonlight is out.

We just catch a glimpse of their bodies...

When the moonlight hits their breasts.

We watch those breasts bounce gently to and fro...

In the sand?

After the water, we go in the sand, but we'll have a blanket.

You're serious. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

Let's go! California, here I come! Got money for gas?


What's the matter?

A hundred and fifty? A hundred and fifty bucks?

That's going to put a hell of a debt in our bankroll.

Don't worry. Jobs shouldn't be hard to find here.

I think this is a little bit too much.

I have a good feeling about this town.

I think this is going to be our lucky town.

Give me the five back, please.

Merry Christmas.


How'd you do on the job front? I drew a blank, man.

I have one possibility.

It's nothing ideal, but it's a start.

I have something very important to tell you.

I love this place!

I'm thrilled here!

I'm telling you I'm... I'm thrilled.

I'm thrilled for you. You can almost taste the atmosphere.

You know what this is going to do for my writing?

See those two guys?

You can see the history of the Sunbelt written across their faces.

Those guys'll bring your hat to you. Don't worry. Excuse me for a minute.

I'd love to talk with those fellas. I want to capture some of their rhythms.

It won't take you long to do that. I'll be right back.

Jesus Christ. Goddamn. Skip!

Hiya, fellas.

Hello.

How are ya? I'm Skip Donahue.

I'm from back east.

Me and my buddy just drove...

My buddy and I just rolled into town.

We were wondering, what is the job situation like around here?

That surprised me. Mind if I try it?


Excuse me, gentlemen. I just want to speak to my friend.

Man! Speak about what?

Socializing can be hazardous to your health with these people.

Those are nice guys. Yeah, when they take your head off.

Tell me about the job opportunity. It's in banking.

We don't know a thing about banking.

We don't have to know anything about banking.

I've sold the manager on a new promotion idea.

Oh, you'll save money knock on wood When you do what a good woodpecker should Save for a horse or a brand-new ranch When you flock to the Glenboro Savings branch You can feather your nest with frills Fill your garage with Coup de Villes Just relax if you have a big bill Are you really a woodpecker?

I'm just a man pretending to be a woodpecker.

That's a real woodpecker.

What you can do Be a smart bird too You little pecker, you

You gotta admit... for an interim gig, this really wasn't bad.


Down on the floor!


Everybody stay where they are, and nobody gets hurt.


Looks like trouble. I wonder what happened.

Let's not find out. It might be something important.

Would you mind stepping downtown and looking at some mug shots?

Maybe you can identify those guys.

There they are! The New Yorkers!

Is there anything we can do to help? Is that your van?

What the hell's wrong? No, sir. Yes, sir.

It doesn't look familiar. What are you doing?

I can't believe it. This is my first frisk.

I hope you're enjoying this. Listen. What are you doing?

Romping through the desert, all right.

But I don't see no naked women.

I should have my head overhauled for listening to you.

My grandmother was right. Cow shit for brains.

Me? No, me!

What are you doing? I'm gettin' bad.

Better get bad, 'cause if you ain't bad, you're gonna get fucked.

You bad, they don't mess with ya.

Hey, home, get down!

You a little too bad.

Do some of these. Right on. Yeah!

All right. Here we go.

That's right. That's right, we bad.

We don't want no shit, either.

That's right. Darn right.

We don't want no shit. You understand?

We don't take too much shit.

They love us. We don't take shit.

Damn right.

That's right. Say "no shit." No shit.

That's right. No shit.

Try it again. We don't take no shit.

No shit. No shit for me.

We ain't shittin'. You better believe it, baby.


What the hell's wrong with him?

Oh, shit.

Come on, man.

Carry me back to ol' Virginny. Lord!

Did you get it?

There it is...

Right on the end of your nose.


Sinsemilla!


Give me a light. He wants a light.

Right on.

Man wants a light.

A light.

Why?

Oh, shit!

Short-ass son of a bitch, ain't ya?

I'm a short son of a bitch.

My father was a short son of a bitch too.

My mother was shorter than him...

And my brother was real short and we couldn't even see him.

He was a short son of a bitch.

What's your charge? I'm innocent.

Ain't we all? Bank robbery.

You can kiss the baby.

"Kiss the baby"?

What baby is that, sir?

Ask your lawyer.

I'm Slowpoke. Hi, Slowpoke. This is Harry.

This state gives the longest sentences in the country for everything... especially for bank robbery, but it's misleading.

So don't wet your pants, 'cause they also have... the most liberal good time program in the country.

If the bottom should drop out from under you innocent bad-asses... that's one bright spot to look forward to.

What is he talking about? Do you know what he said?

The bottom falls... Should the bottom fall out?

"This filthy roach-ridden reality... is inspiring..."

What did that second policeman say to you when he grabbed you by the throat?

Man, I don't fucking believe you. "Man, I don't fucking believe you-"

Fabulous! You don't get it, do you?

You think this is the Count of Monte Cristo?

We're in trouble. This is the real deal. We're in deep shit.

You and I are innocent.

You know that, I know that, and somewhere outside...

The two guys who really pulled that bank job know it too.

But the cops don't know it!

Donahue! Monroe!

I am entitled to a private interview.

Forget it.

Hello, sir. Are you here for us? I believe so.

I'm Skip Donahue. This is my buddy Harry Monroe.

I'm Len Garber, your court-appointed lawyer.

What a pleasure it is to see you. Do me a favor.

Call this number for me. It's my girlfriend, Cindy Laurence.

They won't let me make a phone call. This is very important to him.

Of course I will. Tell her we're at our cousin's.

There's been a huge misunderstanding. A huge misunderstanding.

I am more or less familiar with the case.

You know that we're so innocent?

Isn't there some lightning stroke you can use to cut through this garbage?

This isn't funny anymore. Do they know I hate confinement?

All I can do is shower them with motions... and try to keep the prosecution off-balance.

I've already filed two. You've only filed two motions?

How about a dozen on me? We're dealing with robbery and assault.

In this part of the country you might as well have set fire to the Pentagon.

Will the defendants rise.

Considering all the facts and arguments presented by both counsel... and after careful deliberation...

I find the defendants guilty as charged.

Do you wish to waive the right to a presentence hearing?

No. Yes, Your Honor.

Taking into account the severe and ruthless nature of this crime... and the bleak prospects for your rehabilitation...

I hereby sentence you to serve 125 years... in the custody of the commissioner of the Department of Corrections.

Wait! No, no, no! Wait!

No. Sit, sit, sit!

We didn't do it!

There's a misunderstanding. That's right.

We didn't do it.

Our lawyer told us to come up... I know I didn't.

He's joking. He means we didn't do it.

We didn't do it. Have you got the right case?

This is Monroe and Donahue.

Harry Monroe.

Look under there.

Black, tall. Black man.

How much does that mean in actual time? Thirty years, tops.

I'm gonna be a dead old man.

I don't wanna do 125... I don't wanna do one.

I don't even want to do a hundred. I can't.

I'm gonna kill this mother...

I am fighting mad about what happened in there.

It's not the end of the world. What do you think our next move should be?

I'll get the appeal going. 125 years!

Stop it! It's only 30 years. Oh, God!

Can you get your staff to press a little harder?

Like track down those guys who really pulled it off?

It's only a one-man show.

But I have a cousin visiting from Massachusetts.

She's a terrific social worker, could be helpful.

125 years! I won't be able to have grandchildren!


Thanks.

It's chilling. It's frighteningly real.

It's almost surrealistic. Cold...

Will you shut up, at least till we get out of this mess you got us into.

Let's go. No slow buckin'!

Sir, how come... Shut up, asshole, and move out.

This is ridiculous.

This is from the Middle Ages. How do they expect you to move anywhere?

I'll bet you this whole thing is illegal too.

Excuse me, sir. Keep movin', turkey.

Get up!

You're gonna have to learn the hard way, fella.

I was right. This is illegal, and he knows it too.

Jesus! The man ain't never gonna learn!

Maybe after they whup him upside the head a few times.

Just get into the flow of it. I'm trying.

Don't fight. I'm not fighting. It's fighting me.

What you up for, sweet pants?

We're innocent, man! I swear we are!

My name ain't no goddamn "sweet pants-"

Holy shit!

I think I have the swing of it now. This is much better.

Thanks. Sure.

My name is Skip Donahue. Jesus Ramirez.

Nice to meet you. What brings you here?

I've been here seven years, seven years away from my beautiful Teresa.

Today I was in court, an appeal hearing. Lost again.

They accuse me of robbing several banks. But no way! I was drunk and all.

I'm positive I only robbed one bank. How about you?

My friend and I were doing this song and dance act...

Must've been pretty bad.

Excuse me, Major. I'm not very good at these written tests.

I think you get much more of my original flavor in oral...

You know, I'm just about to lose my patience with you.

I was trying to explain...

Keep writing, shit-face.

Two pears, three apples...

Listen to me.

A kid tried that once at Camp Minnekanie in Vermont.

I hit him so hard that his braces ripped the whole upper part of his lip.

His mother had to come get him in the middle of the season.

What do they put in those dollhouses? What do you think?

Us? Yes! You got it on the first try.

Harry? What?

We're in prison. Welcome to the real world.

Not a minute too soon, I might add.

Brace up. Be strong.


What? I don't think I'm going to make it.

Hang on, man. Don't mess up. Just think about our appeal.

Skip, please.

Excuse me, sir. Could I...

Wait a minute. I'm not a troublemaker.

No more hitting. Did you hear what I just said?

No more hitting. Turn around. You want to stay late tonight?

I said turn around! Let's get outta here!

Come on, Silver! I'm freaking.

Giddyap! So long, suckers!

He thinks he's a horse. Help me!

Don't hit him! Please, he's sick.

He's having a fit. He don't have his fit pills.

He's got 'em, honest. Vietnam. Please don't hit him.

Help me, Harry!

Oh, shit.

It's okay.

You did it.

He's okay now. I'm okay.

It's out of my system.

You okay? Yes.

He's okay. I'm 100 percent.

Please, okay? Just this once. It's okay.

Pretend it's okay.

He's okay. See? Yeah, we're okay.

Works okay? Yeah.

He's okay. Nothing but tops.

For God's sakes.

You're gonna get us in trouble. It's all right.

I can't take it!

Mama! Come here.

Take your pill. Three seconds, you'll see, it's over.

1001, 1002, 1003.

Finished!

Hup, hup two! What did I tell you?

Let's go back in line. Here we go.

Thanks very much.

Here we go. What's next? This way.

All right.

Yes? I'd like some spare ribs...

French fries and a big, juicy cheeseburger with a chocolate malt.

Thanks.

I can get you some of those things, especially the cheeseburger.

I don't want you to get me no cheeseburger.

I'll wash your socks. I don't want you washing my socks.

Leave my socks alone. Stay out of my face.

These are delicious.

Aren't you amazed at the quality of these vegetables, in a prison?

I'm amazed at what's crawling around in our soup.

What are you talking about? Little creatures.

Where? There.


What's the story with him? Why does he get a separate table?

That's Grossberger... the biggest mass murderer in the history of the Southwest.

My dear, he killed his entire family... and all his relatives in one weekend.

Then he killed two more people that reminded him of his family.

Is he here for rehabilitation?

He threw the chaplain through a wall over at the library... burned the furniture factory to the ground.

He hasn't killed anyone here yet.

I wouldn't sit with him, and I killed my stepdaddy.

I wonder what triggered all that violence.

He seems so gentle.


I see what it is.

Nobody has ever just sat down... and honestly talked with that man.

Poor kid.

The man is not ready for an interview.


I'll wait till after he's had a little nap.

Do you mind? Why did you kill your stepfather anyway?

Criticizing my new fur jacket... and slapping my hand.

All right. Come on!

Get his shoulder down!

What do you want to do with him, Jack? How late was he?

A week.

Snort up all that nice blow... and then you forget about payin'?

Teach him to be punctual.

What the hell was that all about? That's Jack Graham.

You don't mess with him. He's one mean hombre.

A guard can yank you out like that? He's no guard.

He's an inmate, like you and me, only he runs the cell block.

Dope, whiskey, even a woman. He can get you anything you want.

And he can get you killed.

I don't want anything from him.

That's Blade.

He runs the Third World side of cell block two.

Till Grossberger came along, he held the ax murder record in the Southwest.

It's tough to stay at the top.

He's the one I'm gonna get you the cheeseburger from.

How you like it, medium? No, I don't want no cheeseburger.

I'm trying to keep my weight down. Don't worry.

Getting a little pudge. I'll protect you.

For some reason, I make him uneasy. I wonder why.

I'm going. Skip, my friend. Excuse me, would you?

I'll come with you. Oh, shit.

I'm a little nervous.

Did you sleep any better last night?

I got a couple winks between nightmares. The walls keep closing in on me.

I've got it on the list.

Roomier cells, soap dish, toilet seats...

What are you talking about?

That's ridiculous.

Put that on your list! I'm going to. Unnecessary violence.

Did you see what they did to that guy? You two, inside.

Inmates 65984.-.

And 65985.

The New Yorkers.

How do you do, sir? Very nice to meet you.

Harry and I would like... I think I can speak for Harry.

Harry's a little nervous.

And I am a little bit too... because this is a very different way of life from anything we're used to.

We would like to touch base with you on one or two ideas... that we think would make life a lot easier for all of us.

Do we have to listen to this?

Were you in the middle of something?

No. Mr. Wilson just doesn't feel the same need... to be hospitable to our out-of-town guests as I do.

Get on the bull.

"Get on the bull"? Get on the bull!

Is that what that is?

I didn't know. Is that a recreational activity?

I was hoping for volleyball or tennis.

We have an annual prison rodeo. We're awfully proud of it.

We like to run you new fellas through this little test... just to see if you have any aptitude for it.

Sure. Fine with me.

Make sure we haven't overlooked some big rodeo star.

You won't be needing me, right? You wanna shut up?

Let her rip.

You're on backwards.

Over the rig.

I thought you meant the other way. I was looking for the horns to come out.

Ready, Mr. Wilson? Ready.

Proceed.

You gotta try this.

It's fun. It's like the merry-go-round at Coney Island.

Try two level.

Where's the part where I go "hee-haw"?

Go to three.

This is fun.

Look, Ma, I'm dancin'.

Ride it, Skip!

Ride that son of a bitch!


All right.

Is it all right if I get off now? Yes, you can get off now.

You two fellas can go on back to your cells. Mr. Barstow.

We had a nice little visit, didn't we, Warden?

Here are some of those ideas I was talking to you about earlier.

Chew on these for a few days, and when you're ready, give me a call... and we'll go over them.

Get rid of them. Maybe we could meet for lunch.

I don't believe what I just saw. The damn machine's malfunctioning.

The machine's fine. Maybe you'd like to get up on it and try it for a six.

Luck was all it was. That boy's a born cowboy.

From New York? I don't care if he's from Tasmania.

No inmate ever took Double-Aught to six level before.

Your big rodeo star Graham... born with cow shit in his ears, he never got past a four.

Graham's had a lot of injuries. And I've had ten years of humiliation.

I ain't even gonna talk about the money trouble I'm in... from losing to Warden Sampson and his Doerin Prison gorillas because of him.

If that eastern kid's for real, he's gonna ride for Glenboro Prison... in the next rodeo and we're gonna whip Sampson's boys and win that prize.

Now, get that kid back in here in an hour.

I wanna test him out on Double-Aught again.

Checking it out with him.

My back hurts. I'm gonna have to drop out.

My back still hurts from yesterday.

It's at it again.

Harry, rub me a little bit right here, would ya?

That's it.

Good. That's better.

Did you try that thing in the warden's office? It's fun!

Jesus is the champion bull rider from his province, man.

You're kidding.

That's wonderful. Does that mean you're gonna ride in the prison rodeo?

Jesus says the rodeo is bullshit.

Why?

Do you know how much money they make from this rodeo? $85,000 to $100,000.

$100,000.

That money is supposed to go to the prisoners. But we don't get shit.

We get our ass kicked. They get rich.

Are you telling me the prisoners don't get one penny of that money?

No. Well, I'm exaggerating a little here.

Two years ago, we got new Ping-Pong balls, five boxes.

I don't understand. Then why do the guys go to the rodeo?

They scare the shit out of everybody by threatening to deny their parole.

That's how they get all the kiss-asses.

Outrageous, man.

Over in Texas, they run an honest rodeo, man.

Yeah. The prisoners can even keep the prize money.

Them wardens over there are pretty decent... not like these pricks.

Isn't that fuckin' outrageous?

Say, I hear you went to a six on Double-Aught.

My man.

Did you tell him that?

It wasn't so tough.

Well, if you really did a six... they are going to want you to ride in that Top Hand Competition next time.

So? Don't worry about me. I'm not a brownnoser.

Everybody know that, man, but don't jump to conclusions.

Why don't you hear the man out?

If you ride in the Top Hand event... there's a strong chance we can bust outta here.

Know what I mean?

Is he talking about a jail break? You bet your ass.

What about our appeal?

Appeal, my...

Tell him about appeal, Rory.

The day I met you and sweet pants here...

Was my fifth appeal hearing in six years.

Turned me down flat.

You wanna spend 30 years in this joint, man?

I couldn't take it. I know you can't, man.

We gotta get the fuck outta here.

Hello, operator.

Get me Warden Sampson at Doerin Prison, please.

Thank you.

Hello, Wally. How's your team look this year?

Not too bad. We might even give you a race this year.

Is that right?

You got yourself some new blood?

Something like that.

Seeing as how you're in such good shape... maybe you'd like to put some real money down on this one.

Now, I realize that $50,000... ain't much these days... but it might stimulate a little interest.

Henry, one way or another...

I'm gonna cover that bet.

What do you want me to do?

You've got to convince the warden...

That you will not ride, no matter what they do.

I'm telling you, he's gonna be so mad, he'll wet his pants...

'Cause he always makes this very big bet with the other warden... but you gotta hold out.

No matter what they throw at you to break you down, don't give up.

The longer you hold out, the better chance you got to strike a bargain.

What kind of a bargain? That you pick your own crew.

That's us.

The County Stadium where they hold the rodeo is a bitch to crack.

Even tougher than this joint we're in. It's supposed to be escape-proof.

But there's a weakness.

This is fantastic.

Harry, there's a great novel in this.

Which you won't start writing till we get the fuck outta here, right?

I guess I can wait seven months.

Donahue!

Hello, Warden. Nice to see you again.

I got some good news for you.

My wine magazines came? No. It's better than that.

You're gonna represent Glenboro Prison in the annual Top Hand Competition.

Congratulations!

Oh, my God!

Warden.

I can't do that. What are you talkin' about?

I should've told you in your office. My mother was a veterinarian.

I can't have anything to do with the exploitation of animals.

She would turn over in her grave. I don't believe you heard me.

This is very important to me.

Important to you?

My mother is watching over every step I make.

Do you know that my soul is on the line here?

Please, let's just drop... What?

I said no.

I told him no.

Ma, are you crazy? All right. We'll talk about it in my cell.

I have to go to the bathroom. Would you excuse me, Warden?

That boy's very confused. Straighten him out.

What about Jack Graham? His knees have mended.

Wake 'em up.

All right! On your feet!

Let's move! What happened?

Let's go, Mayor Koch.

And you, too, Count Basie.

What time is it? 4:30.

Why so early?

It's called "paying your debt to society." Now, move!

Is breakfast ready? Somebody stole the toilet.

Over here.

You're peeing on me!


Close 12!

Oh, shit! They're tryin' to kill me! They're tryin' to kill me!

Please, God! Please!

Not me! Oh, Jesus! Coming back!


Pillow.

I want my pillow.

All right, you two.

Up and at 'em!

I can't feel nothin' in my leg!

Don't you see the white line here? Yes, sir.

You're not supposed to be off to the side of it.

I'm not... Sorry. What a mistake. Never happen again.

See, it's too late for that now. Get him outta here.

Come on!

Close ten!


My back! My 11-year-old back problem is gone.

I feel terrific. Thanks, Cap!

Wow! What a lucky guy!

You son-of-a-guns!

All right, get in there.

And I'll see you in about five days, if you make it.

Donahue?

One more day, please. Just one more day.

I was just beginning to get into myself.

Be a pal.

Harry, guess who's here.

How's my best...

I left my... my wallet in the solitary.

Could I... Oh, please!

Nighty-night, boys. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, okay?

Grossberger.

Come here a minute. I wanna talk to you.

Excuse me. Don't touch him.

Please don't touch him.

I'll see you later. I'm just gonna stand over here for a while.

Don't leave me, please. No, I'll just be over here.

Ward, do you think Grossberger ate them all up?

Or did he leave some bones?

If he did, we're gonna ship 'em back to Times Square.

Oh, man! Say what?

I know it's illegal. Give us a break.

We tried charades. He doesn't get it.

He just doesn't get it. You can't play this card!

What is this? Look! What? Cheating! Look! See?

Wait a second. What?

What do you call... That's for this one.

Well, how have you been getting along?

Oh, excuse me. This is my cousin Meredith.

She's been helping out on your case.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

You too.

It's amazing. There's hardly any family resemblance.

No offense.

We're just barely cousins.

See, my mother was a French cancan dancer... and...

It's a long story.

Say, how have you been getting along?

Swell.

Just swell. A few ups and downs.

You know, people see movies about prison life...

But until you've actually spent a little time here...

It's hard to get the real flavor of... of what it's like.

I think more Americans should spend time behind bars so they would understand.

Well, more Americans probably will.

Now, we have made your preliminary bid for retrial and...

Well, Meredith, why don't you tell him?

Remember the little girl in the bank?

She is ready to swear that you weren't the ones... in the woodpecker suits when the bank was held up.

And she remembers that one of the robbers had a tattoo.

She even remembers the design. Neither of you has a tattoo, do you?

No. Good.

I'll check out the tattoo artists in the area. By the way...

There's a raunchy strip joint in town where tattooed guys hang out.

I'm gonna try for a part-time job there.

Now, uh... because the little girl's only six...

The court declared that her information doesn't justify a new hearing.

But we are trying to change their minds.

On the basis that the prosecution did withhold that information.

Which is all legal bullshit, because the fact is that you were railroaded.

Just one more example of a repressive criminal justice system... coming down on the bottom layer of society.

I don't know about the bottom part, but I couldn't agree more on the rest.

Um, you wanna know something...

That's always fascinated me?

Are the prison romances that sometimes spring up...

Between inmates and girls from the outside... sometimes quite beautiful girls...

I mean, would you, for example...

Could you actually become involved... I mean, romantically... with a prisoner?

Absolutely not.

No, I didn't think so.

I was just curious.

What in the hell do you mean, Donahue's tougher than you thought?

A few more days, I'll have him broke. We don't have a few more days!

The stock's been delivered to the farm, the rodeo contracts are out...

And Doerin Prison's a big jump ahead of us already.

Bein' from the East, I thought the kid would be a little softer in the crotch.

He's soft, all right.

You just don't know where to kick him!

What are you talkin' about, my appendix? Hey, man, I know about appendix.

I had my appendix taken out already!

Help! I had my appendix taken out...

Officer, help me! Please, help!

What you in for, brother?

There's gotta be some kind of confusion.

They said my appendix grew back, but I had it taken out years ago.

What about you? I came here for a hernia operation.

They cut off one of my nuts by mistake. Say what!

They said I didn't need it anymore.

Now I can't eat, I don't sleep...

I got no enthusiasm, don't write my woman no more.

I'm supposed to get out next year, but I don't care whether I do.

You sure take it calm.

Ain't nothin' I can do about it now.

But look, they got this Korean doctor just set foot in this country.

Make sure you don't get him. That's right.

He's the one made the mistake on me. Korean, right.

Jesus Christ! What's the matter with him?

Oh, man, that's just Johnson.

He's on a hunger strike, so they're force-feedin' him to keep him alive.

Thank God. There is some humanity in this place.

They're gonna electrocute him next month.

Mr. Frazier?

How do you go?

That's the cat did me.

Make sure you cover up them jewels!

Hello, Donahue. What can I do for ya?

I'm ready to make a deal.

Oh? What kind of deal?

I want my own team.

And I want a bigger cell with better ventilation.

What's the matter? Has Grossberger been fartin' on ya?

Settle down, Wilson!

I don't make deals, Donahue. Oh, I know that.

But I think in this case it might be arranged.

Good. I wanna win that trophy.

I'm countin' on you to go balls out for it.

I only have one speed: Balls out.

That's the spirit.

You're gonna be outta here while you're still a relatively young man.

I'm looking forward to that a lot.

I guess we got ourselves a deal, huh? I guess so.

Ride 'em, cowboy.

I want an inmate-guard on them every minute.

Graham'll keep on eye on 'em. Put Blade on Graham.

Right.

Get on down all the way. Get on down.

Hey, sucker!

Shit gonna start now, man.

What you doin' joinin' the rodeo...

City dude like you, suckin' up to the warden?

He's not sucking up to the warden.

We're just havin' a little fun. We showed some aptitude for this.

That's all. Aptitude? You hear that?

Lay off him, Blade.

The man just doin' what he gotta do. They were gonna cut the dude's nuts off.

Ain't that right? I don't wanna discuss my nuts.

Work your tail off, cowboy. Don't sweat it so hard.

Get shoved aside by someone who wouldn't know one end of a pony from another.

Now he may be goin' into the rodeo, but that don't mean he's comin' out.

What a horse.

Jesus, what a beauty.

What a sweet, beautiful face he has.

Look. He's listening to us.

He's listening to every word that we say. I'll bet you anything.

Sweetheart, here I come.

Don't be misled, my friend. He's a chute fighter.

He will try to kill you in the chute. He'd like to kick your head off.

I don't think so. I'd love to try him.

Don't you think you're rushing this? Did you see the look he gave me?

This is a sweetheart. This is a little pussycat.

Although, I'll tell you the truth, I've never ridden a real horse before.

Try to remember: No spurs on the belly.

No spurs on the belly. Spurs up high.

Well, this should be a snap. Let her rip!

Skip! Are you all right?

I'm all right, fellas.

I just wanted to know what it was like to get thrown. Grossberger, I'm fine.

You can put me down now.

You know, you get a little overprotective sometimes?

Okay, where is that sucker?

Now let me explain to you about bulls, okay?

A bull is the most evil, disgustin'...

And crafty sucker in the world.

He'll snot on you, fart on you... do anything he can to mash out your brain.

The worst kind of bull is the one that won't do nothin'.

Just stand there, look at ya.

That means he's studyin' you, soakin' up your weak spots...

And rememberin' 'em for the time he gets to prance on your head.

Blade, you got it wrong. I'm a clown.

I shoot the firecrackers and the soda water.

There's a little car, ten midgets in it, we all get out.

That ain't no rodeo clown. I know...

A rodeo clown is the most dangerous job in the world.

He's the one that gets closest to the bull!

He gets the best of the bull. I don't want the best.

Hook to the left! Hook to the side!

If the bull rider is in danger, he's got to protect him... even if it means gettin' his ribs pulled out...

And bein' freight-trained! Freight-trained?

That's right. Run over, just like a freight train.

Only with a bull, it's worse.

'Cause a freight train don't back up and finish the job.

Later on I'll teach you the proper way to lie on the stretcher... when they come to pick you up.

When they what? Right.

Now, let's practice tryin' to sucker the bull out the chute.

'Cause the warden wants you in one piece till after the rodeo.

Then your ass belong to me. Got that? What about balloons and stuff?

Now, every bull has a secret word that makes him crazy...

Sends him into his wildest ride.

Your job is to figure out that word.

Bull?

Let me see. Rumplestiltskin?

Bull.

Malt liquor.

Come on, bull.

Hey, sexy.

Shit.

Oh, you motherfucker!

Congratulations! You found the word!


Over there.


How are you?

I'm a little groggy from looking at records of tattoo patterns.

Who got which, when, where. So far nothing.

The court refuses to act on the little girl's word.

Doesn't look too good, huh?

Can you think of anything that we might've overlooked?

Some small piece of evidence?

Anything? Anything.

This may sound silly, but have you seen A Place In The Sun?

A Place In The Sin?

With Elizabeth Taylor and Montgomery Clift?

Yeah. That's my favorite.

Your favorite?

That's your... That's my favorite too!

What does that tell us?

It tells us that maybe we're not such strangers as circumstances would imply.

Maybe we're not.

You know...

I'm working on a new play, and I just wondered... would you like to come to the opening night with me?

I'd love to.

Maybe we oughta get you outta here first, though.

Shoot.

Rodeo man

Oh, rodeo man Put my entry down Got an old bullwhip And a new pair of spurs And I'm gonna take your town Oh, rodeo man

Down in the valley The valley so low Hang your head over Hear the wind blow Hear the wind blow, love Hear the wind blow Hang your head over Hear the wind blow Roses love sunshine Violets love dew Angels in heaven know I love you If you don't love me Love who you please Put your arms 'round me Give my heart ease Give my heart ease, love Give my heart ease

They're supposed to be doin' time. It's a goddamn vacation they're havin'.

Well, how would you like an old-time prison funeral?

Could you go for that?

Just relax.

He's gonna draw Untamed in the bronc event.

The Birmingham Jail Birmingham Jail, love The Birmingham Jail Send it in care of The Birmingham Jail


One hundred and twenty-five years without a whiff of pussy.

How'd that make you feel, Mason?

Mean. Very, very mean.

Hello? Mr. Len Garber, please.

Did he leave word where he could be reached?

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Operator? Please get me the Sheriff's main office. This is an emergency.

Len, where have you been? At the state capital.

Look at this. It is so black and white, it is absurd.

Any first-year law student could've had this case laughed out of court.

We can discuss your performance later.

Right now they're gonna kill one of your clients.

But they're innocent! That's beside the point.

I'll explain it to you later. We have to get to the County Stadium.

That's on the other side of town. We'll never make it.

We have to try. Please shut up and shake your tail!

I almost blew it. How can I call myself a lawyer?

That's it for the preliminary activities.

Settle back and get ready for the event that you all came to see.

It's our featured event: The Top Hand Competition.

How's your secret weapon, Wally? He's fit as a fiddle, Henry.

It's a nice day for it, ain't it? Yeah, it sure is.

Coke! Got your Coke here!

Peanuts! Popcorn!


Now remember. Spur him high in the shoulders.

Okay? And try to keep a good rhythm goin'.

Ladles and gentlemen, it's time for the wild and wooly Top Hand Competition.

And leadin' off for Glenboro Prison Is a New York Yankee, Skip Donahue.

He's doin' some part-time for makin' a withdrawal from one of our banks.

Trouble was, the boy didn't even have an account there.

Skip told the judge he was tryin' to help New York City... out of their financial bind by usin' our money.

I hope I can remember everything. Good luck.

Thanks. That's very kind of you.

Attaboy!

That's our boy, baby! That's our boy there!

What do you say about that, folks?

That Eastern boy's got a little bit of cowboy in him, wouldn't you say?

He sure does. You ol' sly bones.

Where'd you get him? We'll see.

Folks, next up from the Doerin unit... five-time winner and current champion, Caesar Geronimo, a Chicago boy.

Got hisself caught sellin' some white powder down at the border.

When I say white powder, I don't mean talcum powder.

The champion has drawn a horse so rough and tough... that it's already put 11 cowboys in the hospital.

And that's just by breakin' wind on 'em.


All right!

That cowboy must've had some real strong glue in the saddle!

Ladies and gentlemen, that man of mischief from Oklahoma... who was last year's runner-up, Is gettin' set in chute number five.

Ringo Stapleton!

You may recall, old Ringo Is the fella doin' 99 years... for kidnappin' a trainload of gorgeous college girls... on their way to a beauty contest In Las Vegas.

Here comes old Ringo on the bull called Nicotine, and...

Ringo's in trouble already. He's down.

The bill's on fop of him!

Our next contestant is Plucky Stillwater.


Third up in the bull riding event, coming out of chute number four...

Is the Glenboro Prison entry.

If's that city slicker again... who's been givin' the defendin' champ a real run for his money.

We're gonna all find out In a couple of seconds... whether if's just beginner's luck, or If this boy's got some redneck in him.

Up on Flapjack... here's Skip Donahue.

Okay. A little tighter. That's it.

Remember, ease up with him.

Watch his head.

Ready? Okay. Let's go.

Open the gate!

Seem to have ourselves a little problem down here, folks.

He'll be killed in there!

Some son-of-a-bitch put a lock on the gate!


That New Yorker Is full of surprises!

Now here's last year's champion, Caesar Geronimo... riding a bull that nobody has been able to stay on for more than three seconds.

A bull by the name of Tornado.


That was a great ride. Now you know why he's our defending champion.

Folks, catch your breath for a few minutes... while the cowboy judges tally up the scores on the contestants.

You've got time for a pause for the cause... and I'll be back in just a little bit to announce the winner.

Hold on, folks. We got ourselves the first push...

In the history of the prison rodeo.

Push, my ass. There ain't gonna be any push.

I was ready for this.

Ladles and gentlemen, hold on to your hats.

As a tiebreaker, both of the wardens... have just given their permission to run the 'hard money' event.

That's the single most dangerous event In all of rodeo competition.

All you have to do to win the hard money event...

Is fetch a little sack of money... between the horns of a mean brahma bull.

So just as soon as our two boys get ready... we're gonna start our final competition.

Are you ready for the main event?

Well, just listen to this, because Warden Beatty has just informed me... that he and Warden Sampson have so much faith in their boys... that this year, instead of splitting the first in the rodeo as usual...

It's gonna be a winner-take-all event!

I'm sayin' that $50,000 in bills Is gonna be fled... between the horns of one of the most vicious bills in this territory.

And whichever inmate grabs the money is the winner.

And here they are, ladies and gentlemen.

I get a little nervous sometimes before these things.

By the way, the word is that your warden is an exceptionally sweet man.

Is that true? He's a prick!

A prick? Boy, did I hear that wrong.

Well, is it true that you're an ass-kisser?

You're gonna get a punch in the mouth! Did I say it?

I'm just telling you what I heard. What are you so touchy about?

I'm an ass-kisser too.

We're both ass-kissers if no one gets one penny of this except two pricks.

Stands to reason, doesn't it?


I'll distract the bull. You grab the money. Okay, Caesar?

I don't care who wins. What difference does it make?

Why don't we give the money to the prisoners? I'll tell you what.

You do whatever you think is best, okay?

I've got it, Caesar. Get ready.


The winner, and still champion for the sixth time in a row...

Caesar Geronimo!

Goddamn!


I'll be a monkey's uncle! That Chicago boy's done lost his mind!

Holy cow! There's gonna be hell to pay for that!

Now, folks, to wrap up our day, here's the greased pig sackin' contest.


Holy shit! What?

What the hell is goin' on? Are you okay?

They're in that camper!

I'm sorry... but we're in a real hurry, okay?

What's going on?


I didn't introduce you. Harry Monroe, Skip Donahue, Rory Schultebrand.

My maiden name. My wife Teresa.

And my brother, Ramon.

Hey, you guys, that is yours.

Where are you guys going? Veracruz. We got some family there.

Rory goin' with you? Try to be brave, sweet pants.

Take care. Be a good girl now.

Ramon, a su casa! It's me and you!

He kissed me. Damn!

Let's go.

We got to get the hell outta here.

Wait.

How did you get out? We busted out.

But you're free. You're damn right we're free!

I mean they caught the other two guys.

Thanks to Meredith.

You mean, we're really free?

We're free!

You're a hell of a lawyer. Thanks very much.

Yes, and good luck. Thank you.

Thanks for everything. It's okay.

Thank you.

That's okay.

Hey, let's get out of this state before somebody changes their mind.

Aren't you forgetting something? What?

What about my opening night?

Am I still invited?

Holy mackerel! How many times do I have to ask you?