Stitches (2012) Script

What the fuck is that? What?

Is that an egg?

Looks just like you.

Yeah, they made me paint that when I signed up.

Some stupid clown thing.

Fuck me, clown! Fuck me, clown!

Fuck me, clown! Fuck me, clown! Come on, clown. Fuck me, clown!

Fuck me, I'm late.

I've gotta do some little bastard's party. I need to kit up.

Close the door, asshole!

Here comes the cake.

Here's your cake. Are you ready? Blow out the candles.

Nine, ten! Yes.

Yeah look, I'll be back in about an hour. Keep yourself on the boil. Aye.

What are you talking about, love? Yeah. There's some biscuits under the sink.

Hey, you two. Not in the house. Go to hell.

Gimme here. You stop it.

Stop. Will you stop!

Gimme that.

You can see my house from here.

Happy birthday.

Tom and Kate sitting in a tree...

Get out of the way, you little bastards.

How do? You're late.

And you're fucking ugly. Just kidding, love.

Right, it's cash up front. No dough, no show.

Right, here he is, Stitches the Clown. Whoo-hoo.

Everybody happy?

Is everybody happy? You're an asshole, you big dumb clown.

Get on with the show, you loser.



Right, who's the birthday boy?

It's a clown. That's gonna be worth nothing.

That's plastic.

Right, the hat of mystery.

Who, empty hat. Empty...

Now that's what I'm talking about.

What you want to see? A stegosaurus.

The balloons for the dinosaurs are extinct. You can have a dog.

I don't want a dog. I want a stegosaurus. Shut it you.

You shut it. You're not my dad. Shut up. I might be.

Right, here we go. What is that even supposed to be?

It's a bloody velociraptor, isn't it? Look, there's a bit there.


Fall in, men, fall in. At ease. Attention.

You're rubbish. I hate this trick.

Can this guy juggle?

How could your mother get this guy?

Right, kids. Now it's time for Funny Bones.

Are you serious?

Say hello, Funny Bones. "Hello Funny Bones."

Goodbye, Funny Bones.

Nice one. You are so violent.

Here it is. Juggling.

Throw it at him.

Finally this clown does something good.

You bastard.

OK, anybody want...

Get out of my way, bitch.

Try and get some sleep.

You are not our charge.

But hear this. A clown that doesn't finish a party can never rest in peace.

And the joke is never as funny the second time round.

Six o'clock in the morning? Couldn't you have found an earlier flight, Denise?

I don't know how I'm gonna stay awake in the meeting.

No, don't worry. I know my way around London.

Yeah, happier times. Anyway, I better go. All right, bye.

Well, all under control.

Looks good.

You OK?

Yeah, just homework. I got a maths test on Friday.

And you're not gonna be here for my birthday.

Oi, you little shit.

Tom, I'm sorry, but if I don't go, they'll send Bernie, and I can't loose any more hours to that cunt.

If you're worried about being on your own, call one of your friends?

Ask them to come over. I'll think about it.

What's the matter?

I don't like the look of it.

Happy birthday.

Do you have your lunches, honey? Yes, Mom. Just shut up.

How's it going? You all right? Don't bother.

Yeah, gagging for it. Yeah, gagging for nothing. Get a grip.

Cock-fucking bitch.

Wanker. Twat.


Kate, you should've been there. Jammed four hours straight last night.

Fintan described one of my solos as "brainal penetration".

I played so hard you couldn't hear the rest of the band.

I'm thinking of changing our band name to 'Dan'.

Fintan was so moved by a solo that he wept four hours.

We had to play without a drummer. I just worked the bass drum on my foot.

Still, I wish my number one groupie could've been there.

Hey, not in school. And I'm not your groupie.

So you gonna get a phone? Ring me maybe? I've got three phones.

You were supposed to ring about eight. I was busy.

Yeah, obviously listening to your solos. And working a bass drum with my foot.

I'm really sick of you not calling, so maybe you should sit that out.

OK, I'll just see you later. I'll...


Hey, Tom, can I have that homework? English class, five minutes. Please.

I haven't done it.

Come on, baby, you scratch my back, I'll scratch your back.

If that's OK with you? I'd really rather you didn't.

I think, Tom, we're still mates, aren't we?

Sorry there, fuck-face. I mean apologies, old bean.

Ta-ra for now, love.

OK, settle down. Page 36.

Try and answer a couple of them on your own this time.

Who's the new chick? She's not new. That's Marry.

Mary? You're fucking shitting me.

What the fuck? You seen Monster Munch Mary?

Yeah, she hasn't been Monster Munch Mary since last summer.

She went to boot camp or took a massive shit or something.

Hey, are you doing anything this weekend, on Saturday?


Maybe you could come around. We could have a couple of beers.

I've got a box set of Vin Diesel movies.

Hold on. You have a free house? But not like that.

Who's coming? No one, just you.

What about Richie and Bulger? No, two's company. Three's a party.

Did someone say "party"? Party? Will there be cake?

There's not fucking party.

No talking.

No talking in class.

Oh fuck!

And here we have the male reproductive organ.

Presto. Oh my God, look how small that is.

Give me back my dick.

Give me it back.

Your time is up, Tom.

Your time is up. Please hand in your papers, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you again for your sterling efforts. That will be all for today.

Blondie, more of a stretch here. Lose those pounds. You've put too many on.

Scarecrow, come on. Do something there. You in the pink, you sissy, move.

Betty Boo, more of an effort into that.

Come on, Fatso. Get a move on there, Specky.

Here, what are you doing standing? Get a move on it. That's very good.

You do that. Hey Magic, get rid of that fucking ball and start stretching.

Yeah. What the...

Are you ordering food online again? No.

Of all the people to have a free house and he doesn't wanna have a party.

Vinny, give him a break. Why?

Because it's his birthday this weekend.

It's his birthday this weekend? Yeah.

Like this weekend coming?

Yes, this weekend coming. It's his birthday.

And garlic bread.

I was thinking, this weekend, total surprise party for Tom.

Dude, that's like flashing a strobe light at an epileptic. Can't do it.

Let's get it on.

Bulger, gimme the ball.

Earth to Tom. Wake up, you lazy bastard.

Dude, you should have this party. No.

Kate and Dan are at breaking point. You can put that six year boner to use.

Don't say anything. Just think about it.

You're a legend, Tom.

Shoot it, Tom. Shoot it. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Vinny. Richie. Bulger.

Holy shit. It's on. It's on.

It's actually happening? Yep.

Oh my God. This is amazing.

There'll be cake and everything, Bulger. Whatever.

Tom, are we doing presents? You know I don't do that sort of thing.

You, Kate. What did I tell you about wearing those boots in school?

Not to. Not to.

Footwear is supposed to be black or brown.

How's it a uniform if there's a choice?

This isn't a conversation. I'm not asking you. What are you now? Emo?

You'll dye you hair pink next, and a nose ring.

And then there'll be the drugs. And five years down the line... you're in a bedsit by yourself eating your own hair.

Oh, it's funny. Laugh it up. That tickled you, did it?

4a. Four o'clock. Detained. I'll be in to check on you.

You're not laughing now. And here.

If I catch you with those boots again, it'll be a letter home.


He's such an asshole.

Hi, Kate. Oh, hi.

How you doing? I just got detention.

Remember that time in Mrs Burke's class when she gave us detention for laughing?

I've got something for you.

Having a party? Yeah.

I don't know about this Saturday yet. I might be going out.

Oh right, with friends.

Yeah, just some of the girls. Well, you can invite them, too.

There's plenty of room. Yeah?

Sure. OK. I'll say it to them and see.

Dress code for Saturday is smart casual, so I don't want to see those shoes, or I'll be sending a letter home to your mammy.

7B. Mr Cliffords, maths, yeah?

Yes, sir. Chop chop, yeah?

You little fucker, you.

It was completely off-key. Why are you still here?

Jesus, didn't mean to scare you, Tom.

Looking very sharp. Any plans for the weekend?

None yet. Are you gonna play that card?

Well, we saw the event page. You invited everyone to come on My Face.

No, I didn't do that.

Are you lying to me? No.

I can see it in your beady fucking posh eyes. You're lying, Tom.

Me and the ATB will come to your house. Do you know who the ATB are?

All the boys. All the fucking boys.

Come on, Sarah. Give 'Thomas the Tank Engine' his birthday present.

Birthday bashings. You're OK, Tommy. See you Saturday.

I bet you wouldn't even know how to kiss a girl.

If you saw a girl's gash, you'd put a plaster on it.

All right, man? What have been saying about my party?

Spreading the word. You have 32 friends already.

I don't even know 32 people. You will. Trust me. It's gonna be good.


Not the same shitty bike again.

Bring on the chuck.

Hey! Hurry up, Bulger, you fat fuck.

Party. Woo-hoo! Someone's got a bit of drink.

This place brings back memories.

Nice. Yeah.

There's Bulger. There he is.

Hurry guys. Let's go. We've work to do. Nice.

Three hours to go. Let's get to work. Relax. We just got in the door.

Richie, where's the peanuts? You forgot them, didn't you?

Richie, shut up. Get you head in the game.

Tom, this is easy. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

Richie, that needs to go higher. You have it arse ways.

Fuck off. No, you fuck off, Richie.

Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

What are you doing?

Blow these up. Can someone cover up those bins? They look terrible.

Did you get the crepe paper? I bought skins.

You bought skins? That what you meant?

No, I meant crepe paper.

But don't worry. It's only been his first party in like six years.

Good work. Now all we need is some bodies.

Bring on the fanny fest.

Oh, sorry. Sorry, ladies. You having a good night?

Uh, yes. Thanks. I'm Richie. What's your name?


It's OK. Aside from the random nobodies and all the ugly people.

Well, no, I look fierce, but the rest of them, please.

Oh my God. Just a random uglier in the shortest dress ever.

You can practically see her thing.

Lots of people here. It's deadly.

Is it? Yeah.

Have you seen Kate? No. Oh my God, there she is.

What's going on? She's too good for you.

No, no. When she's had a few drinks, I'm telling you... - Whatever.

Those blow-job lips will be gagging for mickey.

Here, lads, group shot. Let me see those fuck faces.

Bulger, that's a fuck face?

Did you get the fairy lights?

Oh God. Delete that. I've such a double chin.

Fuck's sake, Tom. You need to relax, man.

Sorry. Relax. Chill.

It's time to party.

Nice shot.

I picked up a sniper and took all three of their heads off. Boom, straight away.

It was incredible. I'd never done that before.

I ran into the pit, and one picked up the over shield.

And I jumped on his head three times. Assassinated him. It was incredible.

Hash cookie? No. They give me the shits.

Up the lift, spin around, get the other in the head. You're not listening, are you?

Dude, gimme that cookie.

I ate it. You ate the whole thing?

Jesus, man, that's like the equivalent of like 40 joints.

You're gonna be so fucked up.

You better hope Kate doesn't arrive in the next hour. Seriously.


Tom, are you OK? I can't. What?

Kate's here, by the way. Where?

She's coming now.

Hey, guys. Hey.

I have to go do stuff.

Hi, Kate. I love your hair. Come on, Bulger. Let's dance.

It's a great party.

I ate a cookie. Tom, are you stoned?

High? Me? No.

Yeah. But you made it. That's great. I didn't know you knew so many people.

Yeah. Thanks for coming. Fuck you.

That's Jeff. Funny guy.

I need some water.

Oh, I missed you.

Kate, I missed you, too. I meant with the drink.

I can't stand him. He sits beside me in English. He's such a fucking idiot.

And that pubic beard. He needs to shave.

White socks with black shoes. I don't fucking think so.

It ain't '92, aye?

Oh, man, look. Here she is.

Oh, she's so fucking hot. Look, look, look.

Shake it, baby. Yeah. Shake it.

Working it. She's gonna get it tonight.

There's more a chance of me going on a diet. Seriously.

Things are about to get romantic.

Vinny, you're as romantic as a wank in Funderland.

Lads, I need a wing man.


Hey. This is Tom. It's his party.

Hey. Thanks for coming. Yeah, thanks.

Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

You want your picture taken? Yeah, you do. Come on.

Just a little over this way. Ok? Yeah. Nice.

He's taking her picture. I see.

How are we? Hi, Dan. Thanks for coming.

Wouldn't have missed this.

Would not have missed it. Nice decorations.

Quite a little shindig you got here. You pulled out all the stops, didn't you?

Well done. Yeah.

Look. There are some of your friends over there.

You want me to go? No, don't be silly.

Yeah, Tom, don't be silly. You don't have to go.

Don't be silly. Fine.

I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I'll kill you!

Look at the face on him. It's only Paul, you dope.

I'm gonna kill you, Tommy boy. Cop on, you dick.

Fuck off.

Tom, are you OK?

Nice one, guys. Not our fault he can't take a joke.

I'll slap that smile off your face, you knacker bitch.

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Oh babe, come over here. We'll have a bit of a cat fight. OMG, little pussy.

Babe, your just a pigeon in a tacky frock. Bitch, I don't wanna talk, poodle face.

Babe, you're easier to get into than community college, so leave.

Fuck you. Fuck you, Sarah.

Wait, the whole party already has.

That's enough, Bulger.

You and the prick just leave because no one likes you.

Where's the first aid kit? In the pantry.

You have a pantry? I'm on it.


He went that way, love.

Kate! Where did you put that bottle of vodka?

Is it in your bag? Kate?

All right, I'll see you later.


My favourite.

Are you OK?

How's your head? It's fine.

Remember we used to come up here?

This is the crows nest.

Do you still use it?

Tom, what the fuck? What?

Why is the telescope pointing at my house?

Pervert. No.

I was up here the other night looking at the graveyard, and I saw your light come on.

I turned the telescope around and saw you in your room.

You were a bit mad about something.

You were wearing clothes anyway. That's all I saw. I swear.

Why were you looking at the graveyard in the first place?

Open up before I fucking piss in clown pants. Fuck's sake!

Go upstairs, you clown. Fuck you.

I know how this sounds, but the night of Stitches' funeral I went to the graveyard, and I saw this ancient ritual thing in the clown crypt.

It freaked me out.

You think I'm nuts, don't you?

No. Anyway, I'm not a peeping Tom.

I'm just a mental Tom.

You're not the only one who's screwed up. All of us turned out odd.

Where's the fucking zip?

Not again.

No one would believe me, so I started researching everything on clowns.

I thought if I found something out about that ritual, I could prove it happened.

Clowns have been around for centuries. I've got stuff on Mediaeval jesters, Pueblo lndian Delight Makers, ancient Egyptian rib tickling ceremonies, the Feast of Fools, the right of Osseous Humours...

I never found anything. It was all in my head.

What are these?

When a person becomes a clown, they have to paint their face on an egg.

They call it the Spiritus Singularum, the Uniqueness of Spirit.

Nobody knows where the tradition comes from.

It's been around for as long as the clowns have.


He just can't compete. She's with you. She feels sorry for him. That's all.

Aw, tastes like piss.

Is there any more?

Up to your old tricks again, Paul?

Who the fuck are you?

Maybe this trick will jog your memory.

My fucking ear!

You're a lucky boy, Paul.

You've got a front row seat to my comeback show.

Please. No. Please.

That doesn't sound good.

You must have a hair in your throat. Allow me.

Something. It wasn't a hair. It was a little fluffy bunny.

It was our fault he died. It wasn't.

Just for the record, not every party ends with a dead clown.

This party is really kicking now.

So, photography is your hobby, is it?

Pretty much, kind of. You get some good results.

Let me see. I'm trying to see where the lads are.

Great. OK.

I really like this one. This one is...

Yeah, that's of you. It's a nice picture, I guess.

Hey, Kate. Kate.

Oh, excuse me. What's your problem, pale face?

My problem is you pulling that shit with Tom, you ginger fuck.

Fuck off. That boy needs to lighten up.

How is pissy pants anyway?

Up in his layer crying, drying himself off?

It was a joke. He needs to get over that. It wasn't a very funny joke.

It was pretty hilarious. I was laughing.

Have you seen Paul floating around? Your asshole boyfriend?

Oh. No.

Kate. If you wanna get to me, you're gonna have to do better than slag Paul.

Speaking of boyfriends, what lead singer are you sleeping with nowadays?

Changes so often. Keeping tabs, are you?

Well, it is difficult. It's not a one man job.

Speaking of jobs, I do hear you're more partial to the old blow job.

What? - How else would you acquire the name 'Blow Job Kate'?


Sniff 'em out.

Goodbye, Funny Bones.

Look's like you've eaten too much, fatso.

Paul, you dick.

I'm not Paul. He had to head off.

Let's see if we can find room in there for desert.

Oh, Jesus.

Help! Help!

I'm being raped by a clown!


Now, that's food for thought.

You feeling a bit peckish, fat boy?

Do you want me to call someone?

You're fucking disgusting.


Ice cream and crisps, and people would say I was fat all the time.

Everything was just so...

Anyway, tell me something about you.

I can make a girl's nipples hard without touching.

Bet you five quid. What's going on here?

He said he could make my nipples hard without touching.

He's not messing. I've seen him practise on Bulger's moobs.

OK, I need to concentrate.

Vinny! Oh my God! Worth every penny.

For fuck's sake, you little prick.


What a perfect pair, a dick and a cunt.

Vinny, you dickhead.



Paul, is that you?

Are you trying to be funny?

This clown's not funny.

Not anymore.

Pick up the phone, Vinny.

Brace yourself. Here it comes.


Taken from behind.

Sniff 'em out.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Guys, you need to get out of here right now!

There's a clown who died and he came back, and he's in my house right now!

You need to get out of here!

Clown? You're a fucking clown.

I'm not joking. We need to go right now.

Oh my God, you are being serious. Piss off.

Vinny! Vinny!

Vinny, I love you. Tom, what the fuck?

You need to get out of the house now! What are you talking about?

The clown's back. Get everyone together. Get dressed and get out of there.

Calm down. It's OK. I'll be out in about five minutes.

It's not safe, Vinny. We have to go right now!

Shut up for a second, please. Six minutes.

He's ready for you, Vinny. Listen to me!

Go for it. I need you, man.

You're in there. He's ready for you, Vinny.

He says he'll give you a hand job for a fiver.

Vinny! Just tell him you love him.

Let's see how many lives you've got left.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.


Kate. It's Stitches. What are you talking about?

The clown from my party, he's back. That clown died at your party.

No, serious. Tom, it's Paul dressed up.

It's not Paul. I know what I saw. Come on.

Paul, no. Fuck off.

Guys, there's a killer in the house!

Vinny's upstairs. He needs our help. Help him get it up.

Has anyone seen Paul, Richie or Bulger?

So do you wanna go upstairs? No. I don't want to encourage this shit.

No, I mean do you want to go upstairs?

Don't worry about her, man. She doesn't know a winner when she sees one.




We have to go now.

Vinny, the clown is back. If you don't come now, he could kill us.

We need to get out of here. I'm trying to bang this chick.

Vinny, tell the little prick to piss off!

You don't look happy to see me. I know what'll cheer you up.

I saw him upstairs. You have to come now. Vinny. Vinny.

I'll be back in two minutes.

Can you tell what it is yet?

Woof. Woof.


Say cheese. Oh, that's not my best side.

What's happening to me? Stop talking, big head.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Put your knickers on. We're leaving.

Vinny. Vinny.

Mary, come on. There's a killer clown in the house.

Is there? I'd like to meet him. Sounds like a fun guy.

You are 16, right? I don't want to go to prison.

Long time no see.

Bastard! Step on his head!

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Vinny, I'm not leaving here without Kate and the others.

Here, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Here, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

Where are you? Right, where are you?

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

Here, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Here, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

Come on. No.

Toughen up. No.

Here, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. Here, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

Here, Tommy, Tommy. Here, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

We'll be OK in the crowd. He's not going to attack us in front of everyone.


Where do you think you're going? Get out of my way, you wanker.

You're so fucking sued. My dad's a lawyer!




Oh my God!

Why you screaming, chunky? You clearly got the stomach for it.

Everybody happy?

We have to go.

Blow Job Kate, get your mouth around this.

Vinny, Kate. Kate.

Kate, wake up. Kiss her, Tom. Now's your chance.


Come on!


Where do you think you're going?

Where are we going? To the graveyard.

Stitches' egg. If we can find it and break it, I think we can kill him.

You little bastard.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Come on. Hurry up.

I can't stop it.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Let's go.

OK. One of us needs to stand guard.

Inside, you'll see big shelves with hundreds of eggs on them.

Tom... Stitches' egg has his face on it.

Tom, I don't know what's there. Just go. Yes.

Looks like there's a party at my house.

Where are you?

Tom, righty tighty, lefty loosey.

Happy birthday, Tommy.

It's time to cut the cake.

Now which is funnier... the look on your face watching her die... or the look on her face watching you die?

How about we flip a coin?

Heads it's me. Tails it's her.

That's really sick, Tom.

I like it.

Well, fuck me sideways.

I never thought I'd end up with egg on my face.

What is it? Open it. It's a moving house gift.

We're only moving down the road. Just open it.

You'll need a stronger lens if you wanna keep an eye on me.

Not that you're in to that sort of thing. Yeah.



Yes. Yes.

Everybody happy?