Stuck on You (2003) Script


Slow it down, Bob.

Need a doughnut break. We're having chest pains.

Keep it moving, flabby.

Opening night is less than a week away.

Where in the script does it say that Truman Capote has a fat, saggy ass?.

In the very beginning. "Enter Capote, followed by his fat, saggy ass."

-Hi, Walt. -Oh, Suzie-Q, looking good. Ruthy.

-Let's have drinks again soon. -I'll call you.

Nice. When did you have drinks with her?.

The other day. Didn't I tell you?. She stopped by.

-Well, where was l?. -You were....

Oh, that's right, you were taking a nap.

-So did you make a move?. -I wanted to. I couldn't get her alone.

Had that friend, Ruthy, with her. She's like a frigging shadow.

-Hi. -Pole. Pole. Pole.

Okay, now that's seven mushroom, three onion...

...two regular cheese but one with no pickles.

And we have six fries, four Pepsi, and two 7 UP.

You got 180 seconds, or that food is free.

Keep your wallets handy, boys.

I keep flip-flopping whether to go with the suit or the kimono.

Hey, guys, we've got a tester on number six.

Okay, thanks, Mim. What did Robert Morse do in it?.

He did both, but he had the budget for it.

We got 1 2 American Charlies, seven with fungus, three tearjerkers...

...two bare-assed, hold the pom-poms on one and frog sticks.

We could do it with three hands tied behind our backs!

Rocket, I need four Pepsi and two 7 UP on number six.

Don't forget, you've got two Diet Pepsi on number nine.

You got it, Mimmy. Three 7 UP coming up.

-No, it's two 7 UP-- -I got it. I got it.

Looks like they're having serious trouble.

Come on. Come on.

1 2, 1 1, 10, 9...

-...8, 7, 6, 5... -I'd go with the kimono.

...4, 3, 2--

-I'm sorry, boys. Maybe next time. -Thanks, Mimmy.

So close.

You downloaded another picture of your lnternet pal.

What's her name, Poon Tang?.

-Her name is May Fong. -So she says.

She could be a 50-year-old circus freak...

...with six teeth and a set of hairy walnuts.


They paid 3.5 million. We could've gotten it for 1.2.

I want my drink.

Well, hallelujah. We finally got our drinks.

Root beer machine had to be changed.

What the--?. Hold on, pal. Diet Pepsi. We ordered Diet Pepsi. Are you dense?.

I'm Rocket. Dennis works at the post office. Need stamps?.

Oh, so you're a smart-ass, huh?.

Oh, you idiot! These are my good pants!

Oh, those are her good pants.



-I want to talk to the owner. -All right, right behind you.

Which one of you two is in charge of this dump?.

Your damn busboy just ruined my wife's pants.

Well, I'm sorry about that. You know, club soda's good for that.

I'm sure you think it's very progressive to hire Jerry's Kids...

...but keep the freaks in the back...

...washing dishes, away from the paying customers.

You are absolutely right. How many times have I told you, Walt...

-...we don't want freaks here. -He tells me. I never--

-Ever! Ever, do you?. -For some reason. I don't know why.

We're on top of it. We're gonna handle it right now.

Rocket, let me talk to you for a minute.

You know, we have a rule about freaks in this place. We don't like them.

And we don't want them.

So, Rocket, you see that door over there?.

Would you escort this freak through it?.

No problem. Right this way, please.

I'm not going anywhere.

Don't forget your bag.

Come on, let's get out of here.

Would you like those root beers to go?.

All right, burgers on the house!

-He's just kidding, you cheap bastards. -No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

No, yeah, he is. He is.

-Nice stop, guys. Way to go. -Thanks, Stan.

Great game, Walt. That was a huge win.

Thanks, Stan. I was seeing the puck well tonight.

-Walt, how many saves you guys have?. -I had 1 1, and Bob had 26.

Bob-o was standing on his head out there.

Check this out.

Wow, she's new. Hey, Dave, how about another tall one?.

You got it. How about you there, Bob?.

No, I'm cool. I'm the designated walker tonight.

Got it.

I taste ice cream.

You got a dart in your head, you dumb shit.

Hey, Romeo, how about you invite your friend May out for a visit this spring?.

Vineyard can be romantic that time of year...

...and we so horny.

No, I checked the Farmer's Almanac. It's supposed to be a muddy spring.

No, it's gonna be sloppy. I don't want her to come out--

Seriously, man, I just-- You know, I want it to be right.

-I'm trying to be smart. -You overanalyze this stuff.

What is that supposed to mean?.

You should be talking to this chickie-poo down at the bar.

-No. -Come on.

-Come on. Get over there. Say hello. -No. No. No, don't do it.

-No way. Cut it out. Stop it. -Go on. She's smiling at you.

If she wanted to talk to somebody, she would've brought a friend.

Hi. How are you?. My name's Bob Tenor. But I'm really more of a baritone.

Hi, Bob.

This is my brother, Walt.

Look, if you're ever in town-- I mean, I know you're in town now...

...but I mean, if you're ever in town and not in a bar....

That came off wrong. It sounded like you were a skanky whore.

I'd love it if you'd come by Quikee Burger...

...which is my restaurant that I own with my brother, Walt.

You met him.

Time's up, Casanever.

-Can I join you for a drink?. -Sure.

-Okay. What's your name?. -Debbie.

-Hi, I'm Walt Tenor. -Nice to meet you.

Dear May, thanks for the latest photo, I look at it whenever I'm in need of a smile, I'm sending a picture of me at work, Hope you like it, Yours, Bob, I'm starting to cramp.

-Hey. -Hey.

-How's the letter coming?. -Good.

Yeah, what do you got?.

It's personal. You know, I don't go nosing into your business.

I'm sorry. Mind typing on your knees?.


Here we go. There you go. Turn around.

-Shouldn't you study your lines?. -Not necessary. Locked and loaded.

Then help me stack the wood.

I can't. I could pull something. It's a performance day.

Aren't you a little bit nervous?.

What's a four-letter word for snatch?.


You're not even a little bit nervous?.

What's there to be nervous about?.

Well, you're up there in a one-man show, in front of all those people.

You know, I'd be crapping myself.

It's my ninth year, I think I'm just....

I feel like I'm over it, you know?.

-I guess that's how you have to be. -Well....

You're doing that blinking thing. Are you gonna have a panic attack?.

-No, I'm cool. -Are you all right?.

-You all right?. -No, I'm not gonna--

-I'm gonna-- -Oh, God. Take it easy.

-Calm down. -I think I'm dying.

-I'm dying. -You're not.

-Oh, God. -You're having a panic attack.

-Come on. Take it easy. -Get my bag.

Wait, I'm having an arrhythmia.

Here you go. Breathe into the bag. Short breaths.

Concentrate on the breathing.

It's nine years in a row! I don't want to go on-stage.

Why do I have to go on-stage with you?.

You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine, all right?.

You're gonna have fun tonight, all right?.

You're gonna have fun.

Any normal person with a normal sense of self-preservation...

...would understand that all an artist has is his life.

And what he observes as he passes through his life.

And any serious writer hanging out for years with the rich, well... God, you'd have to be deluded to the point of derangement...

...not to realize that that writer was taking notes.

My God, I even told them.

They knew I was writing this book. What did they think I was there for?.

The intellectual stimulation?.

The wit?.

The spiritual uplift?.

I brought the intellect and the wit to the party.

Okay, okay, he's coming. He's coming.

Bravo! Bravo!

-You were just wonderful! -Thank you, Mim.

Yeah, Walt, you were great.

Bob, you sucked.

-Hey. -Come on, Rocket, I'm not an actor.

So, what's up for next year?.

-Oh, I don't know. -Oh, come on, tell them the big idea.

-What is it?. -He wants to do a musical version...

-...of Bonnie and Clyde. -All right!

-You were awesome last night. -Thanks.

Is everything all right?. You seem a little--

Remember when we were little and we first found out we'd never be separated?.

-Sure. -Made a blood pact that day, remember?.

Yeah, we promised we'd never hold each other back, no matter what.

And we never have. Right off the bat, we made a hell of a team.

Trick or treat!

Get them! Get them!

Man, those freaks are fast.

Strike one!

Let's do it! Now, come on! Get out there!

Break. Break. Break. Break. Okay, come on. You keep it clean, now.

You're out!

Your kings and queens!

Right, Betty!

So, what's your point?

Here, sit down.

Oh, jeez.

I want to be an actor.

Yeah. Of course.

Look, I'm sorry, man. I know I freaked out yesterday...

...but I'll go on-stage with you again.

You can even sing if you want to. I'd never stop you from doing that.

I mean, I want to be a real actor.

I want to move to Hollywood.

-What?.! -I think I got the chops for it.

Those people last night were moved.

-I got to them. -Look, those were your friends.

What's that supposed to mean?.

Look, I just meant....

Look, man, we're from Martha's Vineyard, okay?.

You know, people here....

You know, we're lifeguards and fishermen.

We own restaurants.

We do not star in movies.

What about Meryl Streep?.

She's not from the Vineyard. She shot one movie here.

She stayed on a couple extra weeks because she liked it.

-What are you--?. What is your point?. -Well....

Okay, look, I'm gonna put it to you this way.

Who were the last conjoined twins who were nominated for an Oscar?.

I can't believe I'm hearing this from you, of all people.

Isn't that what people told us our whole lives?.

We couldn't do what normal people did. Never stopped us.

By the way, Hollywood just happens to be in L.A. where May Fong lives.

I'm not ready for that. She's crowding me as it is.

Crowding you?.! She's been your lnternet pal for three years.

You haven't even met her!

Look, man. What about me, man?. I have a business here.

If things work out, we can open a Quikee Burger in L.A.

Yeah, or better yet, maybe you can get in the movie biz too.

What am I gonna do in the movie business?.

I don't know. You could be my stunt double.

-Your stunt double?. -Yeah.

If I gotta do, like, a dangerous stunt, you could do it... that I don't get hurt.

Come on. I need to do this while I still can. I'm getting old, Bob.

-Walt, you're 32. -Going on 50.

Listen, I can't help it you got most of our liver. Okay?.

I'm aging faster. I got bags under my eyes.

And you?. Time's passing. You got nothing to show except for pictures.

-You haven't been laid in five years. -Hey, how would you know?.

I don't know, Walt.

You know, we got a great thing going here.

-lt might not be the same-- -lt might be better!

Have you ever thought about that?.

Three months, we go, we see how it works out.

If it doesn't, we come home. I'll be happy because I know we tried.

Okay, Hollywood...

...but you're gonna owe me bigtime for this.


Bye, Bob.

You sure this is the right Hollywood and Vine?.

-According to the brochure, it is. -Show us your power, Lord.

Lord, Lord, hates the sin, but loves the sinner.

-Show us your truth, Jesus. -Holy smokes.

Hey, freaks!



Fade out!

My wife's not out there, is she?.

No, I haven't seen anybody.

That psycho midget's been riding my ass... finish this screenplay I've been working on for the last two years.

This is it.

Clean sheets and towels.

There'll be a pot of green tea in the office every morning.

-Name's Moe if you need anything. -This is great.

Do you have a room with a double bed?.

Sorry, this is all I got.

But tell you what I can do...

...I'll see if I can get a queen bed in here in about a week or two.

-See you guys. -Thanks, Moe.

Give her a call. Let her know we're here.


This is serious. We have a lot of things to do out here.

Not the least of which is get you into a casting agency...

...without them laughing you out of the room.

Why would they laugh?.

I mean, look at you.

You're pale as a ghost. We gotta get you a tan.

Okay, what's a four-letter word for voiceless, ends in D?.

-Surd. -Surd?.

Surd with a U.

I gotta tell you, this crossword's a lot easier than the one I'm used to at home.

Well, well, well, what do we have here?.

-Hey! -Hi.

-Are you new around here?. -Got in this morning.

-My name's Walt. -Hey, I'm April.

-This is my brother, Bob. -Hey. Bob Tenor.

Have a seat.

So you guys are brand-new.

-Our first California sunburn. -We're official.

You're gonna love it here at the Star.

I've been here, like, two and a half years, and--

Hey, you guys are stuck together. And I still love it here.

We're like one big happy family.

So where'd you get this done?.

No, no, we were born like this.

Cool. Cool. And where are you guys from?.

Massachusetts. Bob here's a lover/grillman...

...and I came out to give acting a shot.

Oh, my God! I'm an actor too.

-Oh, yeah?. -You're an actor?.

Yeah. Well, no. I mean, I want to be one.

Right now I'm just kind of a lingerie model.

Oh, my God! So am l.

No, he isn't.

No, seriously, like, do you have an agent?.

No, no, not yet. How about you?.

No, not momentarily, but I did have one.

This colostomy bag named Morty O'Reilly.

-Hey, you want a beer?. -Yeah.

I've had better luck on my own. Every morning I read Back Stage West.

-Can I see?. -Yeah.

And it lists all the open casting calls.

Yeah, you don't even need an agent with that thing.

Bob, check this out. Right here.

"Wanted: Tall, handsome, distinguished actor... play Robin Hood for the new millennium."

-That's you! -That is me!

-That is you! -ls that me?.

-Yeah, it's you! -lt is me.

You guys are fun.

Listen, ye all, and hear me now.

The sheriff of Nottingham will come forth...

...but he will not bend this merry band of--

Of brothers!

He will--

Who put you up to this?.

It was Lovett over at CAA, wasn't it?.

Joan, get that SOB on the horn for me, will you, please?.

Did you bring a headshot and list of your credits?.

You know, I was supposed to do that, and I forgot it at home.

Sometimes I think he'd forget his own brother if I wasn't sewn on.

Okay, thank you for coming. We'll be in touch.


I'm sorry, but the message that we're trying to get across... that Dubble Bubble doubles the taste, not causes birth defects.

I don't know. Maybe you were right, Bob.

Maybe this is a pipe dream.

Yeah. Probably time to face facts.

If you haven't made it in the first 72 hours... should probably just pack it in. -Right.

I bet Meryl Streep wasn't out here six hours before she got her big break.

De Niro too.

And Steve Buscemi?. With his pearly whites...

...he was in town 45 minutes before he got his first role.

-Are you making fun of me?. -You bet I am.

I know you were born without a liver, but you got some backbone, didn't you?.

-You gotta admit these past couple of-- -I'm not gonna admit anything.

How do we know the Lion King producers...

...aren't looking for some conjoined hyenas as we speak?.

Know who will get the part now?.

Those Schappell sisters from Oregon who are stuck at the forehead.

Why?. They're country-and-western singers, not actors.

Because you quit, that's why.


-Maybe I was a little hasty. -Good.

Hey, don't worry about anything.

I happen to have a little plan that's going into effect first thing tomorrow morning.

All right. You're a great brother, Bob.

Yeah, I know, now zip the lip. Let's get some sleep.

I like your plan.

The car's only plan A. Plan B is to get you an agent.


Retirement home?. Are you sure we got the right address?.

This is what he gave me.

Maybe we should try someone else. April said this Morty guy's a total sleaze.

But you said he's the only one that would give us an appointment.

I want you to know up front...

...that O'Reilly only represents actors who are truly committed to their craft.

That's me, Mr. O'Reilly. I am fully committed.

Committed enough to pay my $200 up-front service fee?.

Which, of course, is used to defray the costs of registration fees...

...entitlement paperwork and what have you.

-What are you doing?. -I'm showing him how committed I am.

You're showing him how stupid you are. Here.

We'll give you $100 because you're only representing one of us.

Look, I'm gonna level with you.

Siamese twins ain't the easiest sell I've had.

We're not Siamese. We're American.

I think what my brother's saying is, he'd prefer the term "conjoined twins."

Okay, but I should let you know...

...I'm not one of those run-of-the-mill suits. I'm a full-service agent.

-Meaning?. -I get 25 percent.

-Well, what does he get in return?. -Seventy-five percent.

Well, I gotta tell you, I think he seemed like a real player.

I guess.

Oh, my God. It's her.


Don't, don't, don't, don't gawk. Don't do that.

She's famous. She probably hates when people gawk.

I like that part, but I just....

I think we gotta at least go by and say hi.

A minute ago, we couldn't even look at her...

-...and now we're gonna go say hello?. -Hey, Bob, relax. It would be rude not to.

I'll do all the talking.

Excuse me, Ms. Streep.

Sorry to interrupt your lunch.

I know this is completely inappropriate...

...but my brother Bob is a big fan of yours. He just--

He wanted to come by and say hi.

-Hi. -Hi, Bob.

We're from Oak Bluffs on Martha's Vineyard.

I've been there.

Yeah, I know you have. Actually, we're friends with Timmy Sheehan.

-Who?. -Timmy Sheehan.

Remember, he waited on you one time at Jimmy Sea's restaurant?.

Remember?. You autographed his menu for him.

I did.

I know because I read it and it said:

"To Timmy, a good waiter. From Meryl Streep."

But the way you signed the P, it looked like an L... we used to call Timmy all the time and say:

"Hello, this is Meryl Streel calling." We were just busting his nuts.

True story.

I think I remember him.

I ordered some food, and he brought it to me.

That would be him. He's a real character.

I can't believe you just come to a restaurant and nobody bugs you.


Let's go.

Well, let me go.

Nice meeting you.

You know, by the way, if you ever just wanna...

...get away, have a little hang time, we're at the Rising Star apartments.

It is a pretty sweet setup.

We got a barbecue pit there. Gas. He does steaks and chops.

We got a pool, a little grassy knoll area, and feel free to just come by any time.

Okay. I'll keep it in mind.

-Great. And bring the posse. -Okay.

Bring the posse.


Wait a minute. I do remember you guys.

Homecoming '87. Oh, my God! I was at that game.

With seconds on the clock, it's fourth down, one yard to go.

-Safety cheating. -Check. Check.

Check. Check. Apache 36. Apache 36.

Apache 36. Apache 36.

Okay, let's go.


I'm wide open.

Touchdown, Vineyard. Sharks win, 22-21.

That was you!

He actually is the one who scored the winning touchdown.

Well, you threw him a hell of a block.

I've always told you that. You never give yourself enough credit.

As you can see, I'm on crutches. I was wounded during the Vietnam War.

Had a hunting accident while hiding in Canada.

Tried that Viagra stuff the other day.

I didn't get an erection, but I could walk for three hours.

Did a benefit for Jehovah Witnesses...

...all's they wanted to hear were "knock, knock" jokes.

Then the three of us just sat there and talked for, like, an hour.

Meryl-- She asked me to call her Meryl.

Very knowledgeable on the film industry. She says I should plug away...

...because I have twice the presence of most actors she's met.

-Well, you do. -Thanks.

Anyway, I told her my first love's the theater back home...

...felt I had to give Hollywood a crack...

...but if I ever go back, I should call her. She's dying to go to the Vineyard.

She might even star in a show with me.

-Really?. Walt, that's great! -I know.

I love it when famous people are not dickwads.

That's the Streeper, perfectly normal. As normal as you and me.

Stop. Anyway....

-Can I ask you a personal question?. -Nine inches.

I wasn't gonna ask that. Nine inches?.

Yeah, it's about nine inches across.

No, actually, what I was gonna ask you is...

...if you guys ever considered, you know, getting separated?.

There's a lot of great plastic surgeons here. A lot. I mean, just look at these.

Well, our problem can't really be fixed through a simple cosmetic surgery.

We share a liver. He's got most of it.

There's no way they can just nip and tuck so you both get some?.

There is and there isn't.

The doctors at Mass General told us they could split us up at no risk to Bob...

...but there's a 50-50 chance that I wouldn't make it, so....

Oh, God, no. I don't blame you for not doing it.

No! No, no, no, I wanted to do it. Bob wouldn't allow it.

Oh, Bob.

Yeah. He's really something.

Hey, are you even sure you need a liver?.

My friend had his appendix out and he's okay.

Okay. I'm gonna take a little sleepy now.

Good night.

I'm not here.


No, he is currently unavailable. Can I take a message?.

-Oh, hey, Morty. -I'm here. I'm here. I'm here.

You know, l-- He is waking up from his afternoon nap.

Hold on, please.


You're kidding me. What--?.

Of course I'll be there.

Thank you, Mr. O'Reilly. Thanks a lot.

I got a job.


It's a motion picture called Pavlov's Dog!

I start tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.!

Do you hear that, Bob?. I'm a working actor!


Hey, it gets even better.

In five minutes, you have a date with the girl of your dreams.


Come on.


Would you calm down?. I thought you'd be happy about this.

Oh, God. How could you?.

-How could you?. -lt was easy.

I called information, I got her number, and I called her before you woke up.

Thank you.

No, she is from California, Walt, she's not used to Siamese twins.

Siamese?. Hey, what happened to conjoined?.

Oh, just cut the bullshit! We're gonna freak her out!

Excuse me.


May I help you?.

Yeah, I'm looking for Bob Tenor.

-Apartment five. -Thank you.

-Have you been honest with this girl?. -Yeah.

-By and large. -Well....

-Didn't tell her about yourself, did you?. -Of course I did!

I just....

I didn't tell her about you.

I can't deal with you right now.

The pictures! What about the pictures, Bob?.

-I cut you out of them. -Oh, well, that's great!

That is really, really great! That says a lot, brother.

-Ashamed of me, huh?. -No, I'm not ashamed of you.

I just don't know how I feel about myself sometimes.

-Okay, okay, okay. -What am I gonna do?.

-We'll go out the back window. -Yeah, okay, we'll make a run for it.

We're not running anywhere.

Hey! Where have you been hiding?.

Hi, Bob.

-Just go ahead and tell her. -Live your own life.

Hop in!

Well, well, we finally meet.

-I can't believe you're actually here. -Yeah, I know. It's amazing, huh?.

You look a lot bigger than in your photos.

Well, I would hope so, or else I'd only be three inches tall.

Hi, I'm Bob's brother, Walt. I spoke to you on the phone.

Walt, meet May.

Nice to meet you, Walt.

-You never told me you had a brother. -I never told you I had a brother.

Are we going somewhere?.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I made dinner reservations.

Tenor, party of three.

I believe we had an 8:1 5 reservation.

-Can I help you? -We'll have two Jumbo Jacks, please.

A Sourdough Jack, three fries, and three medium Pepsis.

-Two Jumbo Jacks, one Sourdough,,, -Got a favorite parking spot here, Bob?.

,,, three medium Pepsis, Anything else?

-So how was the trip here?. -Oh, awesome, awesome flight.

Yeah, you should've seen it. We played cards.

-Cards are fun. -Yeah.

Grand Canyon.

-We flew right over the Grand Canyon. -Oh, yeah?.

Yeah, it's, like, real different from the Vineyard, with the big hole and shit.

And it was orange.

Do you guys remember that Allen movie, Annie Hall...

...where the guy goes out with the girl and to ease the tension...

...he suggests they kiss at the beginning of the date.

-Yes! -Do you remember this?.

-That's a really good scene. -The best is when...

...Diane Keaton's brother says he's gonna drive into the truck...

...and kill everybody in the car.


May, I think there's something I should tell you.


Go ahead.

You see, the reason that I'm acting kind of strange--

-I think I'm dying! -Lord.

-I think-- I can't-- -Are you okay?.

-I can't breathe! -Oh, my God.

Should we get out?.

No, you're having a panic attack. Here, breathe into this.

-You don't like me, do you?. -What?.

You're disappointed with me.

No! No, you're awesome! You're even better in person!

-No, I'm not. -Yes!

Oh, yeah. You're a hottie. Absolutely.

Just breathe into there. No, no, no. Oh, God, I'm, I'm, I'm--

I'm so embarrassed. I waited so long to meet you, and now I'm blowing it.

-No! No. -No. No.

You're not blowing anything. No blowing.

You're so much better than I could-- I'm actually happy you're having this...

...because it means we have even more in common.

-I freak out too. -He does.

-You really have panic attacks?. -Oh, all the time.

I was actually just about to have one, and then you beat me to the punch.

Hey, sorry... have Walt here tagging along on our date.

You know, he can be a little clingy.

You know, it's his first time out on the Left Coast...

...and, you know, he's heard about the gangs...

...and the Crips and the Bloods, and....

I was less nervous about it. I actually looked into joining the Crips.

But I found that the Bloods had a better dental plan.

No. No, sir, that's not true. They wouldn't take me.

-I had a lot of fun tonight, Bob. -Yeah, me too.

Well, anyway...

-...I guess this is it. -Yep.

Will you walk me to the door?.

-I wanna get out and stretch my legs. -Sure, sure.


The sidewalk's safer.

I'm gonna walk you guys right to the front door.

This is beautiful, by the way. I got an early-morning call time.

-Good luck tomorrow, Walt. -Oh, thank you very much. Thanks.

You guys have probably seen enough of me. I'll just get out of your hair.

-Good night, Bob. -Good night, May.

-Yes! Yes! -Hey. Hey, hey.

-Good kisser?. -Yeah, I'm not bad.

-Oh, that's good. That's cute. -That is good, huh?.

-No, no, no! It's not funny! Come on. -Who's your daddy?.

-You're my daddy. -That's it.

-So, what's this Pavlov's Dog about?. -I don't know.

They didn't send me a script.

Probably one of those Disney movies with the talking animals.

"I'm Pavlov."

-Hey, great makeup job, fellas! -Thanks. You too.

Am I just talking to hear my brains rattle?. I'm hot!

Do you hear me?. I am hot!

Look what it says here, Howard. Who's hot, who's not. Cher, red-hot!

You're hotter than hot! You're on fire. There's no question about it.

Then answer me this. Why am I doing this lame-ass TV show...

-...when I should be doing movies?. -Because you signed a contract...

...and the network's holding you to it. Honey and the Beaze isn't lame-ass.

You're a sassy lawyer who uses DNA evidence... free wrongly convicted minorities. This is cutting-edge stuff.

Oh, cut the crap, Howard. Come on, this TV show...

...makes Touched by an Angel look like Trainspotting!

Before I busted my nut to get you this gig, you were two weeks away...

-...from being the corner square?. -Center square.

You told me they wanted me for center square.

I did say that. And you see, what happened is...

...Alf was able to free up his schedule, and, well, they want--

If you didn't get lucky with one lousy indie film, you'd be begging for this job.

Let me explain something to you, okay?.

First, that lousy little indie film has grossed over 200 million dollars!

And secondly, I don't beg. And you know why I don't beg?.

-No. -Because I am a fucking Oscar winner!


Oh, hi. Can I help you?.

Sorry, we're looking for stage 32, and a little lost.

Thirty-- There's no 30-- Let me have a look at that.

You're on the wrong lot. You want stage 32 at Half-Mast Studios.

-That's across the street. -Oh, well....

So that would explain why the guard was shooting at us.

Sorry to bother you.


You're Cher.

-Oh, boy. -l-- Sorry. I'm sorry.

-I'm just a bi-- I'm a big fan. Big. -He is.

Big fan of your work. And I'm an actor too.

-You guys are an actor?. -No, no. Not him. Not him. Just me.

-I'm a short-order cook back East. -Yeah.

He does that, and I'm out here right now just kind of going through it, you know?.

Living it right now. It's going well too. I got a couple of things going on.

I'm doing a gig across the street, actually.

I have an agent. Could I just trouble you for an autograph?.

We're busy.

-Right. Okay. No heat on that. -Wrap it up.

All right, well, just keep on keeping on.

Do what you do.

That really puts things into perspective, doesn't it?.

"That really puts things into perspectiv--" Just get me out of the stinking show!

So this is your first job, huh?.

Yes. Yes, it is. Actually, I was wondering... there somebody around who might have a script?.

I haven't gone over my lines.

They're just gonna set up the scenes...

...and then they're gonna let you all just kind of wing it.

Improv. This director sounds very progressive.

I guess.

Who exactly is in this film?.

Phil Rupp, Lolly Gagger, Marianna Trench...

...and Rebecca Romaine-Staymoist.

Phil Rupp. Never heard of him.

-You're kidding. -No.

You never heard of Phil Rupp?. Oh, he's done over 500 films.

Hey, what exactly is Pavlov's Dog about anyway?.

Pavlov's Dog?. It isn't Pavlov's Dog. It's Pavlov's--

--Dong. Scene 1 4, take one.

And, action.

That's it, Phil, you spring to life now. Good. Excellent. A little more.

Give me some more. I want some more. Nice.

Phil, you disappear now. The freaks are gonna jump in...

...and we discover the whole scene's a horrible nightmare.

Wait. Look, Cher, if you break this contract...

...they'll blackball the both of us. You'll be finished.

I don't give a goat's bobo what it says on that thing.

I knew we shouldn't have trusted that bastard Morty.

Maybe he didn't know what the movie was about.

He was the executive producer!


Doesn't that contract say I can choose my own co-star?.

Yeah. So what?.

I just found my leading man.


What are you, frigging nuts?. Siamese twins!

-The network'll never go for that. -Exactly.

That way they'll break the contract and not me.

Don't-- Cher, please, don't do this.

Hey, guys! Guys?.

I just want to say that I am really sorry for being a bitch back there...

...but I was in the middle of being balled out by my creepy manager...

...and I guess I took it out on the wrong people.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, May.

Walt, what happened to your foot?.

I fell off my unicycle.

-Easy. -I sprained it pretty bad.

This is our friend April.

-Hi, May. -Nice to meet you.

-God, you're a doll. Good going. -Thanks.

So we're all here. What's the big news?.

-Yeah, what's going on?. -Okay, well, as of tomorrow... brother, Walter L. Tenor, the thespian...

...will be co-starring in his very own major network television series!

-That's incredible. -It's called Honey and the Beaze.

Cher plays Honey, I have the role of Mack Beasley.

-Cher Cher?. -One of the nicest women.

-As classy as they come. -You must've done a great audition!

-He didn't even have to! -Nothing.

We bumped into Cher on the studio lot, and she invited us out for coffee.

Actually, yerba mat├ęs, which is this very soothing tea drink--

-Six bucks, though. -Yeah.

She starts telling us all this personal stuff like, she's been in a relationship...

...for the last three years with a very high-profile actor...

-...but they've kept it out of the press. -Who?.

How would we know?. That's way too personal.

-You didn't ask her?. -No, I asked a lot.

And she said, "That's way too personal."

We had it going on! And I was going:

Mikey! I haven't seen you, man.

To Bob, my best friend, who I'm just getting to know.

-Hello, May. -Wes!

Oh, aren't you gonna introduce me to your best friend?.

-Hi, name's Bob Tenor. -Yeah, I know who you are.

-It's a double-entendre. -I'm sorry, Bob.

He hacked into my computer at work and read my mail.

Don't be pissed there, lover boy, okay?.

I think I had a right to check up on my girl.

-I am not your girl! -Not my girlfriend, huh?.

Then what was that about up at Mulholland when you sucked--

Hey, hey, hey! I think we've heard enough, okay?.

Bob, let him finish.

When you sucked down a six-pack with me and said you cared for me.

-You-- -I said I cared for you as a co-worker.

You have good business sense. That's all.

Hey, Wes, why don't you go drown your sorrows somewhere else, okay?.

I have a better idea.

You and me, why don't we step outside?. Let's go. Come on.

No, no, no, you stay out of this. This is between him and me.

Come on, burger boy, stand up. What the hell's wrong with you two?.

-You can't fight fair?. -No, Bob, do not fight him.

He's a black belt.

Just like I thought. You're a pussy.

Let's not let that--

--ruin our night.

-Come on, let's dance. -Oh, no, I'm a terrible dancer. I--

Come on.

Walt, should you be dancing on a sprained ankle?.

Gonna take more than a sprain to keep me off this dance floor.

You were right about your brother Walt.

He really doesn't give you much rope, does he?.

She's not talking to you.

The weather's been just unbelievable, isn't it?.

It's just, like, incredible.

Because I bet back home that it's snowing still.

Well, snow is beautiful too.

Oh, no, no, no, snow's my favorite. I love snow. It's awesome.

Hey, and we don't have earthquakes there, either.

-Earthquakes scare me. -Oh, me too. They, like, freak me out.

Hey, what's with all these maniacs who live on the cliffs, like on stilts out here?.

-These people are out of their minds. -I couldn't do that.

My dream house would have to have a yard.

No, you definitely have to have a yard. That way, that way we could have dogs.

I meant, me and my wife could have dogs.

Not you.

Not that I have anything against you.

Hey, May, let's go to the bathroom.

-We'll be right back. -See you.

How'd my right-hand man make out?.

Look, man, I don't want any trouble.

Holy shit!

She's cheating on you with a circus freak!

Hey, Walt, Walt, Walt, come on, man. Come on. Let it go!

-Bring it on! Yeah! -See you.

-Come on, man. -Oh, I'm scared.

-Come on, man! -Chill, man! Let it go. It's not worth it.

Hey, boys from Beantown, why don't you say hello to Billy Buckner!

Okay, I'm in.

Yeah, the same thing with you, right?.

-Come on. -What's going on?.

-We're getting out of here. -What happened to these guys?.

Bad sushi.

This is a joke, right?. These are the guys she wants as her co-stars?.

Actually, just Walt. He's the one in the white jacket.

-I don't get it. -Oh, I do.

You see, Cher thinks she's being slick. Isn't that right, Howard?.

She's trying to force us to pull the plug on the show.

No, come on, Terry! Hey, look at me.

I swear on my kids, it's got nothing to do with that.

Well, I got a message for Cher.

Tell her we start shooting first thing Monday morning.

What kind of deal you looking for?.

Basically, it's the same deal I got for Kitty Carlisle in What's My Line?

-Twelve hundred and fifty dollars?. -Per show. And that's not all.

He gets his own dressing room with a star...

...and a fresh pot of coffee every morning. And none of that cheap stuff.

Folgers Crystals.

That's very doable.

What are we looking for on the back end?.

You mean the brother?.

Bob doesn't really act.

How about 50 bucks a week and his own dressing room?.

Hi, are you Attorney Honey Garret?.

Who's asking?.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. Name's Mack Beasley.

I understand your law firm is looking for a crime scene detective.

All right, Mr. Beasley, you have five minutes.

Well, I appreciate you taking the time. This is quite an office you work out of.

Yes, I know.


Well, Mr. Beasley, what are your qualifications?.

Well, I'm a Rhodes scholar. I have a Ph.D. in bio-analysis.

I trained with the Navy SEALs for, let's see, seven years...

...and I won the Heisman Trophy. Twice.

Well, here, fill this out...

...and I'll see if I can squeeze you into an entry-level position.

Fantastic. Let me tell you, you won't regret this.

If you need any references or anything...

...I can certainly furnish you with everything that--

Bob, Bob, Bob, you're killing me. You're really-- Cut it. Cut it.

Ten. That's 10 times.

Please, let's go.

It's okay. It's just very, very important that you stay on your mark.

Yeah, I'm just-- I am a little nervous. I have some opening-day jitters.

It's okay, kid. It's just, you have to stay out of frame.

Okay?. Otherwise, the whole show won't work. All right?.

Griffin, back home at the Oak Bluffs Playhouse...

...we used to disguise him as different props.

-Right. -Great idea, we'll turn Bob into a bush.

-lt might not be such a bad idea. -lt is a terrible idea!

The network has made it very clear that the kid stays out of the picture.

And this way we don't have to explain why the Beaze is followed by a bush.

-Still gotta explain the sucky dialogue. -Hey, hey, hey.

I'm sorry, Bob, do you now have a problem with the script?.

No, no, no, the script is awesome, sir. It's just the dialogue.

I mean, every guy knows that Archie Griffin's the only guy...

-...who won the Heisman twice. -Archie who?.

Hey, Bob, just cool it, okay?. He didn't mean it.

The kid's right. This script sucks. Griffin, come here.

Why don't we just give Bob a chance to write the script?.

Yeah, right.

-Bob, you ever written for television?. -No.

See how perfect this is?. We can get rid of the old hacks...

...that wrote this crap, get some fresh blood.

Are you suggesting that we bring in the bush...

-Yeah. punch up the script?.

Look, you gotta go with me on this. I got a good feeling about this guy.

I don't believe this. I just-- l--

All right, everybody, that's, you know, that's a wrap.

Okay, folks, that's a wrap!

Congratulations...'re the new head writer. -Thanks.

Cher! Cher! No, no. No!

-ls your throat sore?. Are you achy?. -I'm just feeling a little run-down.

I was up all night studying lines with Walt, so that's probably what did it.

Is that why he got you the big teddy bear?.

Yeah. He really went overboard this time.

Now, get some rest.

-And I'll see you tomorrow. -Okay.

Thanks for the "neo-tu-tong."


Jeez, I thought she'd never leave.

-I am a terrible person. -I don't know why you're doing this.

-Why don't you just tell her?. -You're right. The time has come.

You know?.

By the way, I gotta give you some credit for bringing Moe on as a writer.

He's really given the Beaze character some dignity, you know?.

I don't want to be an actor who takes a role and ends up looking like an ass.

Know what I mean?.

I just can't believe this. It's like a miracle.

-It's not a miracle. WaIt's a great actor. -Yeah, but Bob can't act.

-How are they gonna pull this off?. -Hush. It's starting.

-Hey! -Watch the show, you dumb-shit!

Miss Garret, there's a Mack Beasley here to see you, I don 't know any Mack Beasley, Get rid of him, -I'm sorry, I told him not to-- -Are you Honey Garret?

Just who the hell do you think you are, barging in here?

I figured I had a right, According to this cocktail napkin, I'm half owner of this law firm,

-Where did you get this? -Won it off a drunk at a poker game, That drunk happens to be my ex-husband, -I can see what drove him to the bottle, You son of a--

I meant losing a beautiful squaw like you would drive any man to the firewater, -You see that?. That was Bob. -Where?.

-He was right there. -You got farts in your head.

-l' m telling you, I saw his nose! -I'll keep this,,,, -There he is again. -lt is his honker!

-Yeah, that's him. That's him. -Oh, my, Bob looks very good.

He's lost a little weight and he-- Nice tan.

With Chromakey, the camera picks up every color except for blue.

To the audience at home, you don't exist.

Hey, Bob, put your mask down. Check it out.


I look incredible. Look at that.

What the hell is this?.

Oh, we're giving Walt a chance to spread his wings.

-Well, he was doing just fine before. -Well, now he'll do even finer.

Barney. Check out what I'm doing to Cher's butt.


-You like that, huh?. -Put some junk in her trunk.

-Can I talk to you in private?. -Sure, Cher.

Don't you realize how morally repugnant and politically incorrect it is... hide WaIt's God-given Siamese-ness?.

Your concern is very touching, Cher, but let's live in the real world.

America isn't ready for that. Besides, Bob doesn't want to act.

I just don't believe Bob should be cut out.

-We do. -You seen today's trades?.

Listen to this:

"Despite its generic title, Honey and the Beaze should generate solid buzz.

With snappy writing that pokes fun at an all-too-familiar genre... deserves to find an audience." -Hey!

"Newcomer Walt Tenor's inspired turn as cocky but sensitive...

...biochemist Mack Beasley more than compensates for a lackluster perf... Cher and indifferent direction by actor-turned-helmer Griffin Dunne.

Tech credits are run-of-the-mill."

It's a rave, guys!

-Great. -Son of a gun.

This baby may just make it.

Oh, excuse me, Miss Cher.

There's a few fans outside hoping for autographs.

All right, but I'm not taking any pictures.

-No, no, no-- -What's this?.

Shit, it's just Cher.

Sorry, I should have specified. They're looking for Walt. Seen him?.

Hey, lady, can you go get the Beaze for us?.

We want Beaze! We want Beaze! We want Beaze!

Hey. You wouldn't happen to know if Bob was alone, would you?.

I highly doubt it.




I've got a surprise for Mr. Sick-in-Bed.

Oh. I'm sorry. I was looking for Bob.

What?. What?. May?.

Oh, my God.

You're not brothers, you--

No, May, no! It's not what you think!


May, wait! Wait! May!

It's not what you think. Listen to me.

I don't have to listen to anything. I have eyes!

Well, then use them.

Oh, my God.


...don't go.

I wonder what she's got under that hood.

I'm really sorry, Bob.

It's not your fault.

Don't worry. She'll be back.

Where else is she gonna find a guy like you?.

I don't know. Chernobyl?.

Don't worry, boys. We're gonna hit this thing head-on.

-What thing?. -Someone ratted you out, boys.

It's gonna be all over the 5:00 news.

Cronkite's gonna have a field day with this.

In the wake of the startling revelation that Walt Tenor,,, ,,,of Honey and the Beaze is a conjoined twin,,, ,,,sponsors are running for the hills, Let's get out of here before Johnny Press comes sniffing around.

Come on. What are you waiting for?.

We stand firmly by our decision to hire Mr. Tenor.

Sadly, the realities of our business template are such...

...that with the loss of our sponsors...

...we are forced to halt production until further notice.

We will, however, run the final three episodes, as scheduled.

Here's the plan. We're gonna canvass all 48 states with denials.

Now, I'm giving you the same advice I gave Hudson in '56.

Deny, deny, deny.

Right. Deny what?.

That there's two of you where one should be.

I got a better idea.

Who asked you, Trixie?. These are my clients. They'll do as I say.

Wait, what's your idea?.

Hey, hey, hey, what is this, a minute-iny?.

It's really simple.

Don't "deny, deny, deny."


You know Walt Tenor from the series Honey and the Beaze, His secret is out, You all know it, He's here to share it, Please welcome Walt and Bob Tenor, Come on out here, guys,

-Good to see you, -All right, Have a seat,

Have a seat, Have a seat, gentlemen, Thanks for coming, Thank you, This is great, Let's get right to it, How do you iron and fold a pair of pants with four legs on it?

We take turns, -He thinks we do, His memory's so bad I always say it's his turn, -My memory's not bad, -Come on, Sometimes I think he 'd forget his own brother if I wasn 't sewed on,

I understand you 're an athlete, I'm told you were all-state hockey goal-- Oh, you were! Oh, okay!

You were an all-state hockey goalie, But Walt was honorable mention, -Oh, okay, -Oh, come on, He carried me, -Dude, I gotta ask, Yes?

What if you have to go to the bathroom at the same time?

It's actually harder when only one of us has to go,

-What?. -Go to sleep.

You got a geography test tomorrow.

Oh, nice ball, Walter.


-Awesome. -Very good. Very good.

-Play something else. -No.

-Come on, Walt. Come on. -No, no, that's all I got.

Walt, this is from the management. We're all big fans of your work.

Oh, well, forward on a big thank-you on to the management from the Beaze.

I will.

Can you believe all this?.

It's awesome.

I'm really happy for you, Walt.

Hey, look at the chickadee passing through the room there.

She thinks she's so hot.

Hey, maybe you ought to go over and work some of your magic.

Huh?. Come on, just go over and say hi.

You're a free bird. Start taking advantage of this.

-No, no. -She's checking you out.

-I don't want to. -Back up.

-Seriously, I don't want to. -Go over there. Say hi--

Stop it!

I said I don't want to. What is the matter with you?.

I was just fooling around.

I'm out of here.

Well, I've been thinking a lot lately.



I think we should do it.


What are we gonna do?.

The operation.


Yeah. Yeah, I don't think either of us is gonna really be happy...

...until we've just done it.

Are you crazy?. I have never seen you happier. You have a career.

I'm a gimmick, not an actor.

We've been over this a million times. Forget it.

And for the record, I'm perfectly happy with how I am.

No, you're not. You're in love with May.

Only you two don't stand a chance...

...until you can learn to stand on your own two feet.

You know, if that's how she feels, then, you know, the hell with her.

No, no, this isn't how she feels, Bob.

This is about how you feel.

You're the one who couldn't tell her the truth.

-No, okay-- -And let me finish.

Just think about this.

Imagine playing a round of golf alone.

Slow dancing with a woman without me breathing down your neck.

Masturbating in private the way the good Lord intended.

What are you talking about?.

Come on, last night was like sleeping next to a paint shaker.

It is-- It's not that simple. I mean....

-Look, I always wanted-- -I want that operation.

-I won't do it. -Yeah, you'll do it.

-No, I won't do it. -You'll do it.

I'm not gonna give my consent. That is final.

You will do it. Barkeep, can I get a shot and a Bud over here?.

Oh, very mature. It's not even noon.

-May l?. -Sure.

-Thank you. All right. -Oh, terrific.

We'll do it your way.

But I'll tell you what.

You better sit back, take your foot off the brake...

...fasten your seat belt. Thank you.

-We're gonna go for a hell of a ride. -Come on!

That's unfair. I'm gonna be the one dealing with that tomorrow.

Yes! You are correct!

Bob, Peachie's working her way through med school.

You gotta admire that!

This is crazy. I should be driving.

Yeah. All right, Walt.

Good news, milady.

Thou noble prince hath arrived-- She's got a mace!


My cornea!

Pretty sure I had some Visine in here.

Can you identify the man that stole your purse, ma'am?.

I think it's the Siamese twins in the middle, but I can't be certain.

Pisses me off when you celebrities get off so easy.

I'm getting off?.

I can't pin anything on you so we gotta let you go.

-Oh, great. -Thank you, kind sir.

You're spending the night with us. You've been charged with a DUl.

What?. I didn't even drink anything.

Well, hotshot blew a.20. Divide that by two and you're both legally drunk.

-And since you were driving, let's go. -Oh, no, come on, that's just silly.

Lock down!

Good. Sure you don't want a bite?.

I'm fine.

Roast beef.

-End cut. -I don't want any.

Hey, Hollywood. How's it feel to be a free man?.

You must feel pretty good.

Being able to come and go as you please.

Seriously, Walt. Visiting hours are over in 10 minutes. Let's wrap it up.

Gorgeous day.

You know what?. That's it.

I'm not going another step until you apologize to me.

Hey, did you hear me?.

Hey, don't you walk away from me. Did you hear what I said?.

-Don't you walk a-- -Yeah, you better run!

You want some of this?. Come on. You want some?.

-Come on! -Come on, little brother.

-Want some action?. -Come on. Come here.


Okay, I'll do it.

-What?. -I'll do it.

I'll do it if it's what you really want.

I'll get the operation.

It's what I want.

That's good.


-Nice! -Hey, that's good right there.

-Yeah! -Get it, get it, get it!

Oh, right there!

Well, that's good.

There you go.

-My God. -I do impersonations.

Good evening, everybody, I'm Ted Koppel...

...just outside Madison Square Garden with the former champ Mike Tyson.

-How does it feel?. -My defense is impregnable.

My offense is impetuous--

I'm gonna hit him so hard.

Tonight, and forgive me for sounding overzealous on this one particular point...

...Bob and Walt Tenor, two dipshits stuck together.

Bob. Bob. Turn around. You got a visitor.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, May.

Look, I was hoping we could have a word in private.

I mean, just the three of us.

Yeah, okay.

Excuse us.

-Hi, May. -Hi.

Oh, sorry.

I have a book on tape.

I'm ashamed of myself.

The way I reacted.

No, come on, it's not....

It was my fault.

I really could have sprung this on you a little better.

Anyway, it's not gonna be an issue anymore.

We decided to get separated.

-What?. No! -No.

It's time.

You don't have to do that.

Look, this is a hard thing for anyone to handle.

-Bob, but that doesn't-- -May.

I saw the look in your eye that day.

Well, of course.

I was surprised.

You lied to me for three years.

But I thought about this a lot.

It doesn't matter.

Wait a second, so you're--?.

You're saying that you could have a relationship...

...even with this?.

It's a speed bump.

I love you.

I love you just as you are.

Both of you.

Well, the thing about this operation... that I'm not doing it just for me and you.

I'm doing it for him also.

That Robert Evans, he banged them, didn't he?.

He banged them all.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead and talk amongst yourselves.


Guys! Guys! Don't go! Please, don't go.

The latest Nielsens came out this morning.

Honey and the Beaze is number one.

We're doing it.

If you guys go ahead with this, you're committing career suicide.

They said the same thing when Erik Estrada quit CHiPs.

You're shitting me. He quit?.

Promise me you'll be here when I wake up.

I promise.

I love you, Bob.

I love you too, Walt.

Miss Fong.

Miss Mercedes.


...I don't quite know how to tell you guys this...

...but we lost them.

Dr. Carson, good news. We found Bob and Walt.

-Someone took them upstairs. -Oh, fantastic.

By the way, the operation was a smashing success.

Gentlemen, we have visitor for you.

How do I look?.

You look beautiful.

What am l, chopped liver?.

Actually, yeah.

Where to, fellas?.

This is good. Yeah, this is good, Dan.

-We'll take it from here. -All right.

-I'm gonna get a soda. Want anything?. -No.

No, Bob. You wait here.

I'll be right back.

I'm alone.

Great, buddy. You gonna stay that way too.


Hey, May!




Bob, would you like to come inside?.


-It's great to have you back, Walt. -Thank you. Thanks.

-Hi. Thank you. Thanks. -Great to see you, kiddo.

You look terrific. Good to have you back.

Hey, how's Bob doing?.

Oh, he's, he's, he's good. He's good, I guess. I guess.

He's been staying at his girlfriend's place.

I haven't seen him for a few days.

Which is a first.

-Hey, you lose weight?. You look thinner. -Oh, no l--

Oh, yeah.

So listen, Walt. Browse through that, all right?.

We're gonna do a quick run-through in Honey's office. Okay?.

-Okay. -Welcome back.


-Come on, Walt, it's not that big a deal. -Moving back East isn't a big deal?.

It's not like we're not gonna see each other.

You're still gonna come visit, right?. I'm gonna still be out here visiting you.

Well, whose idea was it?.

It was both of ours.

May and I had a talk and we couldn't think of one good reason not to do it.

Oh, not one good reason. Wow.

Come on, Walt. You know I'm not cut out for this big-city life.

I'm a burger flipper from Oak Bluffs, Massachusetts.

And May, in her heart, she's still just a girl from "Ching-Pah-Tu-Neigh," China.

We're small-town people.

That's where we're gonna be happy.

You sure you're not rushing into this a little?.

I love her.


I love her.

-Set. -And background.

And action!

Okay, Beasley, give us the DNA and we'll give you the girl.

I don't know what you're talking about.

The smegma from the dead hooker's perineum. Our boss wants it.

-Okay, take it easy. -Hand it over.

All right. I got it right here.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut!

-What was that?. What was that?. -Sorry.

I lost my bearings. I missed my, you know.

Because this thing, you know?. That's not scary.

-Does this scare you?. -No.

-No. All right?. -Yeah.

-Let's take a break, everybody. -Let's take 1 5.

Props. I need more perineum smegma.

-Are you okay, Walt?. -Yeah.


You suck, Bob!

Bob, why don't you try standing in the middle of the goal.

Bob, I ordered this well-done.

This has still got a pulse.

Toss it here.

Do it!

Bob, the guys on 1 1 are really hungry. Where's the food?.

-How much time do I got?. -You're already 14 minutes over.

What are--?. What are they bitching about?. They're gonna get a free meal.

Hey, Bob, get the lead out of your ass.

-Hey, up yours, Rocket! -Oh, nice comeback.

Honey?. Can I help?.

No, would you just give me a second to just get my rhythm back?.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Here. I'm sorry.

I'm just.... Just a little frustrated.

Okay, I'm gonna get back to work.

What's a three-letter word for man's best friend?.

-Tit?. -No, I tried that already.

I'm telling you, I might've gotten brain damage from that surgery.

I used to be able to knock these things out in 20 minutes.

Hey, Walt, seeing that the show's on hiatus and all...

-...why don't you go visit Bob?. -April, the show's not on hiatus.

It was canceled.

Well, then you should go. Take a road trip.


I thought about that. I don't want to rain on their parade, you know.

They need a little time alone.

Those are ugly, and these are kind of nice, and those are--

No, stay.


What's the matter, kid?. You got allergies?.

Oh, hi.

You know, you shouldn't be so blue, Tenor.

You're a good actor. You're gonna find another gig.

Yeah. Yeah.

I know.


You really miss him, huh?.

Well, I know how you feel.

My boyfriend just went off to college.

It doesn't make any sense.

I thought you'd have, like, a million offers on the table.

You're amazing, Cher. You're a brilliant actress.

You know, maybe I had it coming, you know?. Bad karma.

Bad karma?. You?.

I could have been a little bit nicer to you guys.

No, no, no, you were a total sweetheart from the get-go.

No, I wasn't. I was a total bitch with a capital C.

What are you talking about?.

You could win like a humanitarian award for the things you did for me.

Are you crazy, Walt?. I didn't even--

Why, is there talk of me getting one?.

No. Figure of speech.

I don't know. I still think I could've done more.

No, stop it, Schindler. You're way too hard on yourself.

Really. You did everything that you could do. I'm grateful.


I guess I gotta figure out what to do next.

Well, can I give you some advice?.

-Yeah. -This is what you have to do.

You have to ask yourself:

"What is the thing I love to do most in the world?. "

And then you have to do it.

Boozing with Cher.

Boozing with Cher.

Bob, do you mind if Rocket and l take off a little early?.

He wants to see the squid boats come in.

Yeah, sure, Mimmy, that's fine.

Thank you.

Rocket, come on.

-Come on, let's get out of here. -Bye, Bob.

You fag.

Let's go fishing.

Order's up.

All right, one order of fries coming up.


Guys, get out of here. Show starts in an hour. I'll finish up. Come on. Go.

-Thanks, Mim. -Thanks, Mim.

-Hey, break a leg. -Yeah.

-You look good. -Serious?.

There you are. Where you guys been?.

-Sorry, our fault. -Hard to move so fast right now.

-Come on. The crowd's getting restless. -Okay. See you guys after the show.

-Hey, don't screw up. -Right.

Here we go.

Hold it right there.

And keep your hands where I can see them, Mr. Barrows.

You too, Miss Bonnie.

Hey. What's going on?.

These gentlemen of the law have mistakenly thought that we're...

...the notorious criminals Bonnie and Clyde.

You know how often we hear we resemble that murderous pair?.

We're just a couple of musicians, boys. Name's Elvin Williams. My missus, Ellie.

If so, why don't you play a tune?.

We got a house band you could use. They ain't half bad.

-No, that won't work. I got-- -He can't sing.

-Bad throat. Something.... -No practice. You got polyps.

Either you sing a song, or you're under arrest, Elvin and Ellie.

Attaboy, Rocket!

Well, perhaps just one song.

What?. You can't--

-What are you doing?. -I don't know.

Well, do something.

All right, I got an idea. Just go with me.

Oh, will you just hurry up?.

Come on!

source: SDI Excuse me for one second. I want to tell all of you...

...this has really, really been a joy to be on this set, I'll tell you.

It's a.... A month ago, I didn't even-- I did--

I had serious reservations about this. I said:

"Am I doing the right thing?. " Well, thanks to my niece...

...who I love very much-- Thank you, Melissa, you....

Thank you a million, honey. You told me to go for it, and I'm going for it now.

I wanna thank all of you.

I wanna thank this magnificent--

These magnificent people for the dancing.

I have never in my life seen more magnificent dancing.

I wanna thank the band.

I wanna thank Meryl Streep, and Greg Kinnear...

...and Matt Damon for putting up with me.

I wanna thank Peter and Bobby Farrelly, who believed in me 1000%.

I wanna thank Bradley Thomas, and I wanna thank....

Of course, there is one other person.

Thank you, Barbara, for putting up with me for 15 years.

And, oh, yes, and Mom, I love you.

Cheryl, thank you for your fabulous 45 record collection.

And, oh, yes, and David, thank you for your absolute joy.

Matty, thank you for delivering my brand-new little baby niece to me.

My fifth generation.

And, oh, yes, and dear old Dad, I miss you most of all.

I wish you were here. Unfortunately, he cannot be here today...

...but he's with us in spirit. And I miss you so much. Thank you.

Thank you.

Triple Check + Corrections (Sync, Spelling & Common Errors) by SNUIF source: SDI