Suburban Gothic (2014) Script

Can I call you Ticona? Is it all right if I call you by your first name?

No. Okay.

I came here because I need a job.

So if you could just type my info into your computer, help a brother out, find me a job.

Something in upper management would be great. I'll take anything.

I am literally on the verge of having to move back in with my parents, and I don't want to do that. Raymond, I got nothing for you.

Moving back in with your parents right now doesn't sound like such a bad idea.

It does. It really does sound like a bad idea to me.

I don't know how to say this without sounding terrible, but you're the worst guidance counselor ever.

I got to go. I got to go. Thank you for everything.

Lose the scarf.


I made you a little something to keep your strength up, Hector.

My goodness. Alberto? Cookies?

Are those gluten-free? No.

All right, now here's the rule. I just reseeded the lawn.

Hi. I planted some new flowers.

You stay away, you understand?

I won't even look at them, Dad. How does that sound?

All right. Does that work?

Look, and I'm sorry for being so hard on you on the phone the other day.

Hey, you have a thing for black women... She was Latino.

You have a thing for Latina black women, I'm okay with that. Great.

Your mother and I are very open-minded. I've noticed.

Good? Evey, Raymond's home!

I think he's here! He's here! Oh, he's here!

Thanks for taking care of my boy. I don't know him.

He's here! Mom!

My beautiful son. My beautiful mom.

Oh, honey.

Turn around, let me look at you.

Oh, wait. Mom, are you serious?

Stop. All right.

So handsome. So beautiful.

There is a way you can help your mother and me while you're here.

How? All those years of education I paid for, did you ever learn how to speak any Mexican?

You know, sadly, Dad, I don't know how to speak Mexican, because nobody in the world speaks Mexican. Mexican people speak Spanish.

Mexicans speak Mexican. People from Spain speak Spanish.

Come on in, Raymond. What are you doing with that flag around your neck? Celebrating my freedom.

Good to see you. Oh, you too. I'm so happy.

Well, you don't wear the American flag on your neck. Okay?

Holy shit!

You scared the fucking shit out of me. You scared the fucking shit out of me.

What are you doing in my bathroom, man? Sorry. I just... noth... I just...

I was just checking out your picture, man.

Yeah. It's a little chubby guy. Remember him?

Yeah, he developed an eating disorder.

Thanks for bringing it up. Well, you look good.

Thank you. I wanted to use the porta-potty outside... but your father keeps forgetting the seat covers, you know?

He's an asshole.

You said it. I didn't. Yeah? Okay? I know. All right. Have a good one.

All right. You too.

So, Raymond, I'm going into town tomorrow.

Would you like to join me?

I'm good.

Oh, honey, of course you're good. You're my little angel.

But... your father and I were wondering if... we could buy you a couple new outfits for your stay.

Something just a little less alternative.

Yes. We really care about you, son, and... we recognize your more European approach to fashion... but we just don't think it's appropriate here in America. In the U.S. of A.

Well, Dad, I appreciate your concern, and your criticism of everything I've ever done in my life, but I'm gonna have to politely disagree with you, based mainly on the fact that you dress like a drug dealer.

You hear how he talks to me?

That's pretty funny coming from a guy who graduated business school six months ago and can't find a goddamn job.

I'm holding out for a position in upper management.


I think we're all just a little tired. It's been a very big day.

You guys take care of the dishes. I've got the game's gonna start here in a minute.

And Raymond... take a shower, okay? You smell bad enough to gag a maggot.

How do you gag a maggot? I don't know.

You're looking a little thin, though, Raymond. There.

Hector. Ponte a hacer algo.

Ven, Alberto, apúrate. Ven a ayudarnos.


Cousin Freddy! Hey, what are you doing here?

Raymond, thank God. I thought you were your dad.

Since I came out of the closet, he's forbidden me to enter the property.

Congratulations. Maybe you never have to see him ever again.

Well, he's an aries, so... they're all fucking assholes.

I didn't know that. All of them.

I believe it. I just didn't know it.

So, do you and Mom get to see much of each other anymore?

Occasionally. You know, whenever she's in the mood to sneak out for a night of musical theater, she calls me.

Sounds nice.

I fucking hate musical theater.

Sorry if I frightened you. I just... I had to pick up some belongings.

Your mom let me... store my car here while I'm going through a transformational period.

Hey, would it be cool if I borrowed your car?

I was actually just about to go to a bar and get super drunk.

Yeah, be my guest. Do you want to come with me?


My peace corps application just came through. I don't want to jeopardize it.

Drinking makes me... makes me do things... that I don't remember.



Are you okay? 'Cause you seem flustered.

Not so good. But... it's nothing 15 or 20 drinks won't fix, you know?

You can't drink that much. You'd die.

Hey. Hey.

This ain't no public restroom. Duly noted.

You are not from around here, are you?

Born and raised, my brother, but I have since relocated.

What brings you to this shit hole?

Well, the lovely clientele, primarily.

And I also read somewhere that they serve a scrumptious Cosmopolitan.

And I myself... Holy shit!

I fucking know you.

I used to take the bus to school with this kid. He used to be fatter than shit.

You used to be fatter than shit. What happened?

Well, as you put it, I was fat as shit...

Fatter than shit. Fatter than shit.

Fatter than shit. Thank you for correcting me.

And then the weirdest thing happened. It's like, I moved away from this town and all the people that live within this town, and then suddenly I had to stop using eating as coping mechanism for depression.

So weird. Thinned out. Who knew?

Are you still into that paranormal shit?

Not professionally. But I do still kind of practice it as a hobby.

I don't believe that modern science has all the answers. Do you guys? Anyone?

I always figured you just disappeared. You started a cult or something.

Thanks. Guess I've just never really seen myself as being that ambitious.

What are you up to? Just drugs?

I used to love kicking the shit out of this faggot here.

Yeah, that was great. That was really fun, man. Yeah, that was really cool.

But then you had me expelled. Did I, though? I don't know.

You know what? In fact...

I think this faggot here deserves an ass kicking.

No, I think you're thinking of a different faggot.

Honestly, I think you're thinking of... Lay off him, Pope.

If you're gonna bother my customers, you have to leave.

Well, I was just leaving anyway, Becca.

I'll be seeing you around.

Parents wonder why I ever left. Drink your beer and stop being a bitch.


You don't remember me, do you?

No, I don't.

Becca Thompson. We went to school together.

Guacamole. Becca Thompson.

You... you... Say it.

You lost a lot of weight. You look really good.

Thanks. Looks like we both lost a lot of weight.


I'm gonna have to ask you to stop staring at my tits.

You're the only guy to come through town in a long time that I'd consider sleeping with, and you're ruining it.

I was actually admiring the tips of your hair, but I will not do that anymore.

I'll look you right in the eyes. What are you still doing in town?

Well, most of you assholes left, and I figured if all of us left, nothing around here would ever change.

The real question is what are you doing here?

Hector, my friend... Who's this fucking asshole?

Maybe you should start thinking about... selling your construction company and getting back behind a mower.

Yeah, you really missed your calling, Donald, I got to tell you.

Yeah, no, I'm trying to distance myself from that stereotype at the moment.

¿Cómo se llama? What's your name? Mi nombre es...

The other Mexican that's underpaid. Dude, where's your sense of humor?

Get out of here. I want to talk to your El bosso here.

You said you were gonna be finished today. I did. But here's...

My wife was counting on that. She's on my ass in there.

I get it. Here's the thing.

I've never seen, in my 20 years of doing this, Donald, so many equipment malfunctions. I mean, it's really... it's fucking weird.

I got to tell you. The guys think the property's cursed. I'm dealing with that.

Well, that's pretty goddamn superstitious for a Mexican who doesn't want to fall into a stereotype. Yeah. It is, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah.

Anyways, look, here's what I might be able to do.

If you can help me out here, I might be able to talk them into working through the night. Yeah?

If you can sweeten the pot a little bit. Oh, Christ.

How's $2,000 sound? $3,000 sounds better.

$3,000 and... It's a deal.

One more thing.

"Suck my dick." Terrible, right?

It's a choice.

These lesbian bikers talked me into joining their metal band.

"Suck my dick" was our mantra.

Cool mantra. I'd love to catch a show while I'm in town.

Are you guys playing any time soon? We're on a permanent hiatus.

I think I might have something that'll make you feel better about your tattoo.

"Trust no one"? I'm probably not gonna sleep with you anymore.

I understand.

You just dug yourself a vagina grave. I do that a lot.

So, you still believe in all that paranormal stuff?

Believe in it? I've experienced it firsthand.

Frank. Frank.

Come on.

Well... there he is.

Your grandfather. He was one real son of a bitch.

Right, Daddy?

No shit? It's weird.

I used to see ghosts regularly, and then just suddenly it stopped.

I feel like, as I've grown older, I've unfortunately become less sensitive to the spirit world.

Sounds like you have an amazing gift.

Why don't you pursue a career in the paranormal?

My dad threatened to disown me unless I went to business school.

I should actually probably stop. Alcohol interferes with my blood-pressure medication.

Drink it.

To parents knowing what's best.

All right, we're working through the night.

What? What do you mean we're working through the night?

Just keep digging like I said. I'm trying to avoid a lawsuit, man.

Just keep digging. Please? You got to be fucking kidding me.

Well, that's hollow. Watch out.

Hold up a sec.

What the fuck?


It's like a girl or something.

Will you do me a favor? See if it's... Hey, man, don't touch it. Don't touch it.

What are you talking about? Hey, man, we got to report this.

No, I'm not reporting shit. What, five Mexicans and a fucking dead kid?

What? Cover that shit up.

This is not okay. Just cover it up.

We can't just leave this body here. Fucking cover it up.

Cover it up. I know how that story ends. Fuck that.

You guys suck!

Raymond, I'm gonna give you a ride home.

Give me the keys.

What's that?

Pain-killer. In case we get into an accident.

Doesn't that strike you as counterintuitive?



Go see who's out there. You go see who's out there.

You're bigger than me. Jesus Christ.

Donald, man, I know it's you.

Who's there?

I told you guys, it's...

Holy shit!

Where you going?

Get in the truck!

Let's go. Alberto.

Come on, let's go.


Alberto, man, where are you going?

You shouldn't have opened that fucking box.

It's fucking Donald playing tricks. I told you already.

It's not Donald. It's not Donald. But...

Come on, come on. I got a job to finish. Don't take my guys away.

Hey, finish it yourself. I hate you so much.

Fucking asshole.

Hey, Hector?

What? Fuck you! I quit!

Come on. I see you back there.

What are you pulling, man?

That was rough.

I think I'm developing night blindness.

I think it might have been the pain-killer.

So... you want to... you want to come in?

I'm on my period.

No, you're not.

You know what? I'm not.

I just really don't want to have sex right now.

Neither do I.


Well, you'd think with all the maid services these people run, they'd know how to clean up after themselves.

What's going on? What's going on?

Hector and his crew ran off in the middle of the night without finishing the job.

That's what's going on.

I'm just shocked that Hector would do something like this.

It's not like him. I second that.

It's not like a Mexican to run off without getting paid.

Hey, were they still here when you got home?

Honey? Are you okay? He's hung over.

Raymond. Excessively drinking with your high blood pressure?

Raymond, you're pathetic.

Have I ever told you that?

And bless this food.

Amen. Amen.

Amen. Dad, for someone who doesn't believe in ghosts, you really do pray a lot.

Hey, Mom, can you pass the syrup? Oh, sure, honey.

Yes, your mother and I sent you off to the big city, and you came back an alcoholic. I'm not an alcoholic.

Of course, if I dressed like you, I might have to have a few drinks before I walked out of the house, too. Oh, good, so you understand.

You know, if I had the hair like you, I'd part it on the other side.

Boys, stop it.

So, I was thinking that I may organize a search party for Hector.

Hector's not missing, Evey. He's just a lazy Mexican piece of shit.

Hey, Mom, can I get a ride to my car? I left it at the bar last night.

Honey, you really shouldn't be driving that car on the road.

The tags expired years ago.

Yeah, not to mention the fact that that car belonged to your mother's cousin Freddy, the faggot.

Don't use that word, Donald.

I also need to refill my prescription.

I'll let Dr. Carpenter know. Thanks.

You're not going anywhere till you clean up that mess in the backyard.

Are you serious?

Don't I look serious? Yeah.

It would be a nice thing to do, Raymond. Your father doesn't ask much.

It's so good to have you home, honey.

It's great to be home.

Cool. I'll go clean up the yard, I guess.


What's up? Have you seen Hector?

Yeah. He's inside taking a catnap and watching cable TV.

No, I haven't seen Hector! He vanished. That's why I'm out here doing this work.

Hey, nice ascot. Thanks. Fuck!

Don't fucking talk to me like that. Sorry, man. I just...

I don't work for you. I work for Hector. Okay, I understand. I'm sorry.

Good. Look, you need to get out of this place, man.

I know, I hate it here. No, seriously, all right?

You got to get out of this place.

There's some crazy shit happening here, all right?

Like what? Like yesterday while we were digging, we found a creepy wooden box over there. Hector, he opened it. It wasn't me.

What was in the box? It was, like, a creepy dead girl's, like, carcass with a nightie.

Are you fucking kidding me now? No! Look...

You found a dead girl buried in my dad's backyard?

I hate to break it to you, all right?

There is an evil spirit lurking on your property, and I don't want to fucking be here when it shows up, so I'm out, all right?

That makes sense. Honestly, all day something's been feeling a little bit off.

I thought I just had a hangover. No, dude. Wake the fuck up!

I only came here to fucking raid your fridge, get my fanny pack, and warn you, that's it.

Thank you, man. I really appreciate it. Good luck.

Sit down. Right here.

Now... here we go.

All right. Let's do this thing.


Since when do you make house calls?

Since they gave me the opportunity to charge you more money.

Fair enough.

So, is your dad here?

He actually died today. Good news.

I'm just kidding. He's at work. Bad news, 'cause he's a dick.

Your father is a scoundrel. He is a cheater.

And he owes me a lot of money.

My brother, you are preaching to the choir on that one.

My thing is, I kind of stay out of other people's business, so maybe... if you could just give me my prescription, we could...

You know what?

You don't need your prescription anymore.

You're perfectly healthy. Your condition has corrected itself.

All right, let me... let me just get this straight for the record.

You're saying that... the blood-pressure condition I've had for the last 15 years, and been on medication for, has just magically corrected itself?

Basically, yes. If you're trying to get back at my dad by killing me, I don't think it's gonna work. The guy... the guy really hates me.

Raymond, I have been your physician since you were born. I circumcised you.

There's no sort of game being played here. You've simply outgrown your condition.

Simple as that.

Happens all the time.

I got to get the fuck out of this town.

Well, at least aerobics class will help take my mind off Hector's disappearance.

Come to think of it, honey, your old friend David's mom will be there tonight.

Mom, what are you talking about?

Once a week, several of us get together for a group workout.

No, I mean... Dave Richards? I'm not friends with that guy, Mom.

He's a total scumbag. Oh, honey, shush.

His mother says he's working for the school district now.

I think teaching is such a noble profession.

Teaching is a noble profession, Mom. But did his mom tell you also about how... and I don't like using this language in front of you, but he fingered a girl who was asleep on the back of the bus, and she didn't even know about it.

Allegedly fingered her.

What are you doing? Stop! Stop, stop! Oh, stop. It's that cute little cowlick.

I know, it's... it took like an hour to get it like this. Don't touch it.

What is this? We're stopping at the school first.

Can't have your father starving now, can we?

God forbid.

I don't care what your policy is. He signed a contract.

You have to fucking tip him?

How's the lawn look?

I'm having trouble taking the exam with all these distractions.

Pumpkin, if you want to start taking your exams in the quiet room with all the special-ed students, I'm gonna need to see a note from your doctor.

Nice pants. My sister has the same ones.

Hello? Yes.

Will you slow down, please? I can't understand what you're saying.

Well, you tell him to call me the second he returns, comprende?


What was that about?

Take a knee.

Hector has been missing since last night.

Dad, I think something weird's going on. One of his workers came by this morning looking for him. Yeah?

He said they found some kind of, like, box buried in the yard.

Do you know anything about this? What?

Those fucking putas.

Did you tell your mother about this?

No. Don't. You know how she gets.

All right, get out of here.

Time's up.

Exams on the desk.

Start where we left off Sure.

Hey, how late are you working tonight? Why?

My mom and her friends are getting together at the house for a group workout, and I was thinking maybe we could hang out.

Sounds terrible.

Us hanging out or my mom working out with her friends?

Us hanging out.

Yeah. I agree.

Guess what? Dave Richards' mom is gonna be there tonight.

Didn't he finger some girl on the bus while she was asleep?


Yeah. Anyway, I guess he's doing really good for himself.

So I guess it pays to finger girls on buses.

Dave Richards used to go to parties in high school with a condom on his dick just in case. I bet that was a big hit with the girls.

Only me.

Listen, I've got drum practice tonight, so... maybe another time.


And I give the bitch a skosh of chloroform and all of the sudden, I'm the bad guy.

What's up, faggot?

Yo. What's up, dudes?

Cool shirts.

Hey, look, I'm really dehydrated right now and I don't want any trouble.

Seriously? Well, there's three of us and only one of you, and we don't give a fuck what you want, so...

The good news is, I'm gonna be in town for a while.

So if you want to take the day off from threatening me, that... Carl!

Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. Let him go. He's pretty fucked up.

Raymond, pop the trunk. What?

Pop the trunk!

I thought you shipped off to the peace corps.

I'm shipping out tonight. I had to get my shit.

I'm glad I'm seeing you 'cause...

Ever since I saw you last time, I've had this really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

What do you mean? You know, you just... you seem really distraught and confused.

You know, and I just want you to know...

I've been there. Cool. Thanks. I... Thank you.

You got to take a good, long, honest look at yourself in the mirror, you know, and just... and just say to yourself, "I'm okay with this," you know?

Say, "I love myself. I'm okay like this.

It's about acceptance. Okay.

Can I ask you a question? It gets better.

I really don't know what you're talking about right now, but I'm agreeing with you kind of just to be polite. 'Cause... 'cause you're gay.

N... no, I... No, I'm not. I'm not. Really?

Yeah. Not gay. Straight. 'Cause you seem so gay.

Well, I take it as a compliment. What is with you? Why are you so sad?

If I tell you, do you promise you won't make fun of me?

I never know. You never know.

Ever since I've been back home, I've been having these flashbacks to, like, spirits that I used to see when I was a kid, coupled with, like, strange, supernatural sensations.

Oh, my G... You okay?

You okay?

Give me a second. Just...

I see things, too. Don't tell anybody. Are you serious?

I think you're seeing spirits that haven't crossed over to the other side.

No, but I'm not seeing ghosts. I'm not seeing anything.

I'm just have strange... That doesn't matter.

From the sound of it, you're going to see them.

They're reaching out to you, and when they do, you're gonna have to figure out what they want.

This sounds like a major inconvenience.

Oh, you have no idea. You have no idea.

Ghosts only communicate when they want something.

And they can visit you in any form they want.

I mean, they can be a man, a woman. It could be human, it could be a horrible monster.

Get off the car. Get off the car. Get in the car. Get in the car.


Now, this... this is an evil-eye pendant.

Okay? It's gotten me out of a lot of hairy situations.

I want you to use it to protect yourself.

Okay. Here.

Always use protection.


Yeah. Don't just... put it in your pocket.

Oh, yeah. Don't lose it.

And lunge. Lunge. Lunge.

And, yes, yes. Okay.

And up. And up. And bring it down.

And down. And down. And down.

Hey, Dad. You're a total fucking creep.

And that's a fact.

Raymond! Come in. Come here, honey. Look, it's Mrs. Richards.

Look at you! Oh, my God, all fancy, coming down from the big city to grace us with your presence.

Oh, yeah, and your mom tells me you're looking for work.

Yep. Looking for work. Can't find a job.

Thanks for bringing that up. Honey, it's networking.

You know, I can't put my finger on it, but just the other day, someone was telling me that Dave's doing really good. You must be proud.

I am so proud. Hey, wait. Look at this.

Check this out. Here's my handsome man.

So fucking handsome. And you know what I've always found most handsome about him?

His thick fingers. Excuse me?

Very thick fingers. I've always been envious.

You know, he's a teacher now. Oh, really? A teacher?

It has given him such... direction, focus, purpose.

Direction, focus, and purpose. What more could you want?

And.. Hold on...

Do you hear that? I got to go.

Okay, look. I know... I know, I have to talk to you.

There is something wrong with him. He's just really sensitive, honey.

So, break's over, ladies. Okay.

Hop to it! Let's go. And, go!

And up. And do it.


Raymond! What?

What are you screaming about? There's something in the drain!


Hey, did you eat my ice-cream cake? Donald.


Did you? Yeah, I did.

He did. He ate it.

Yeah. Sorry. Yeah, he did. I knew it. I knew it.

God damn it. Donald...

Raymond, you know how much I love that ice-cream cake.

Donald. Honey, you're not even...

What are you screaming all over the goddamn place for all the time?

Did you find anything? Did I not warn you... not to get your mother worked up?

Dad, there was somebody or something in my room. You have to believe me.

Something? Somebody?

No, there's nothing!

There's nothing in this room! Dad, I saw it with my own eyes.

Nothing! There never was. There was.

Your mother and I are starting to worry about you, son.

There's a history of schizophrenia in our family.

Who has schizophrenia? Well, you caught me in a lie there.

No, there's no schizophrenia in our family. Why would you make that up?

I'm just trying to make a point. You're acting like a paranoid schizophrenic.

And I want it to stop!

You get your shit together.


What's wrong with the bed in your room?

I was kind of uncomfortable up there, so I thought I'd sleep down here where it's comfortable.

I think I'm just...

I'm just stressing myself out with this job search, you know?

Well, you have to learn how to handle that.

Stress management is a very important component in success in business.

It really is. Yeah.

What the hell?

What happened to your arm? I don't know.

Your mother must have scratched me in her sleep.

I think I got one on my scrotum, too. She wasn't anywhere near it.

I don't know who or what you are, but I'm really, really sorry that you were disturbed.

So what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna give you a proper burial.

And in return, I would really appreciate it if you would just cross over to the other side and leave me and my family alone.

This is a really bad time for a haunting.

Longstreet Ranch...


Well, I tried.

What the... fuck?

Thanks for coming.

Oh, man.


Mom, Dad, I was...


Be careful, darling.


You know...

When your mother worries about you, I never hear the end of it.

She was in such a good mood all morning. Why is she in such a good mood?

They found Hector today. Really? Is he okay? What happened to him?

Nobody knows. He's delirious.

If you ask me, the guy's on meth.

What do you know about meth, Dad? Everything.

Really? Everything? You know everything about meth?

I saw a documentary narrated by Dwart Farquhar.

Who the shit is Dwart Farquhar? Farquhar. Very underrated actor.

All right. I'll look into his work. What's your favorite movie of his?

"Running out of bullets." I'll watch that one first.

Here, I found this.

That's not mine. But I'll hold onto it for you.

All right. And I know meth.

How'd you get in here?

You really believe me? Why are you so surprised?

It's the first ghost I've seen in a while. I'm just not used to being taken seriously.

Damn, it's closed. Oh, well. Come back tomorrow?

Cover me.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Those are really nice windows. Don't break those.

What does that even mean?

What now?

Ladies first.

All right. Longstreet... Okay. Okay, there it is. Longstreet.

"Elizabeth Longstreet, died January 27, 1855.

Survived by her husband, Ambrose Longstreet, and daughter, Hannah."

Look at this... Ambrose Longstreet and his daughter, Hannah, died on the same day, July 18, 1860." What do you think happened?

"Last night, Longstreet Ranch, the site of a terrible slaughter carried out by the Bogden brothers."

Are you crying?

I'm extra sensitive.

Oh, I better not be pregnant again.


Ambrose's body was found strewn across an unmarked grave.

That's so tragic. No, that's it. That's it.

She's the one haunting me. The little girl, Hannah.

She wants to be returned to where her father buried her, probably.

Fuckin' "A." So, all we got to do is find her body, put it back in the ground. She'll be at rest, and then we can be done with all this.

Did you say "we"? Shit, yeah, I said "we."

You got a banana in your ear or something? We. You and me. What, are you scared?

You scared? You look a little scared, I'm gonna be honest.

Aren't you supposed to communicate with the dead?

Just ask the ghost where her body went. I don't have all day.

You raise an interesting point.

Really have to wear this? Keep your voice down.

You're gonna wake up my dad. And yes, we do have to wear this.

If you want to make contact with the spirit world, you have to follow specific rules, and everyone knows they find white soothing.

I look like a klan member. You kind of do.

Also, they're drawn to candlelight.

Can you please show a little respect? What?

When we ask her where her spirit is, she shouldn't feel threatened.

She has to feel encouraged. We have to encourage her.

And what if she does feel threatened?

How fast can you run?

All right. You ready? Give me your hand.

Hannah Longstreet, hi.

My name is Raymond, and this is my associate, Becca.

We are inhabitants of the living world, so please tell us where your body is.

That worked great.

Oh, you know what?

We need something that belonged to her. The box she was buried in. I'll go get it.

I'll get it. You can wait in the creepy room alone.

You fucking kidding me?

Holy shit. Becca, you're not gonna believe what I just saw.



Who are you? Dad!

Hey! Yo... Dad, I can explain.

We thought there was a burglar down here.

Hey, you bring a girl home, you take her up to your room.

Next time you interrupt your mother sucking my dick, there's gonna be hell to pay. Did you really just say that?

If I had it to do over, I wouldn't have revealed that last piece of information.

Where'd you get this? Did you dig this up out of the yard?

How'd you know it was buried in the yard?

Dad, where's the body? Drop it.

Dad, tell me where the body is. Just drop it, Raymond. I'm warning you.

Dad, where's the body? I'm telling you to drop it.

Dad, I'm telling you... Drop it!

Tell me where the body is or I'll tell Mom.

Becca, I know where the body is.

I don't want to be part of this anymore, Raymond.

Becca, you're the first person who's seen what I've seen.

I've seen enough.

Well, can I at least get my mom's sheet back?

You sleep here? Yeah.

Not everyone has parents paying our way through business school.

Help me bury her. No.

We bury her and it's all over. That's how this works.

Come on. How about we put the spirit of a murdered little girl to rest?

Now I got you, you little son of a bitch.

Out of the question. It's a historical artifact.

True. But it doesn't belong to you.

Your father gave it to me. That makes it a donation.

And there's nothing I can do to help persuade you?

Him. What about him? What about me?

Give me a blow job and you can have the skeleton.

All right. No! Sit.

Well, I believe we're done here, then.

Were you seriously gonna give him a blow job? I was thinking about it.


See these young folks out, please.

I can't believe your dad gave her body to that asshole.

Guess we'll have to break in again. How are we gonna know where Hannah's body is?

What do you kids want with the body of a dead girl?

You wouldn't believe us if we told you.

Her spirit has returned from beyond the grave, hasn't it?

I've been communicating with the spirit world my entire life.

People used to think I was crazy. Holy shit. I get that a lot myself.

Look, lady, I don't know who you are or what your story is, but we need your help.

We can't put Hannah's spirit back to rest if we don't have her body, and that dildo licker won't give it to us. We have a storage facility downstairs.

I will switch her remains and meet you out back.

Cornelius is blind as a bat. He'll never know the difference.

You have such a strong aura.

Do you know, spirits are attracted to people like you and I.

Fucking weirdos.

Oh, shit!

What the fuck?

You should probably get that checked out.

Should we say something?


Rest in peace, Hannah. I'm sorry that you're dead. But...

Hey, at least you're back together with your family.


Hello. Well, I hope you two managed to relegate your activities to the bedroom.

Donald, your manners.

Excuse him.

Raymond, is this your friend? I'm Becca.

Hi. Would you like to stay for dinner, honey?

Some of Donald's players are coming over.

Maybe another time. Oh, all right.

Hey, Dad? What are you doing here?

Look, I know we don't always see eye to eye on everything, but I just want you to know that having a relationship with you is... it's really important to me.

Raymond... you're my son.

That's it?

Would you mind going down to the kitchen and helping your mom?

Tonight is very important to me.

Fuck my life.

Every year, we have a little get-together... for our award winners.

The best of the best.

You're my "A" squad.

And I'm proud of each and every one of you.

This first award... goes to our fiercest defender of the year.

He's a young man I've watched grow from a boy to a man, and I'd like to think I taught him everything he knows.

I love him like family. I couldn't be more proud of him.

Archibald, come up here and get this. Come on.

Love you, coach.

With a name like Archibald, you kind of have to get good at sports to avoid getting your ass kicked. Raymond, please.

Just saying. It's, like, the worst name ever.

Now, before we get to the second award, I want to apologize.

My wife forgot the grape pop.

Hey, sorry.

All right. Now... our second award, that I think is the most improved...

Jimmy. Come on up here.

Yes. There you go, boy.

Your father's just as proud of you as he is of his players, Raymond.

Sometimes he just has a hard time showing it.


All right. Thanks for coming.

All right. Playoffs begin next week, all right?

Let's be ready. Sorry about what happened.

What the hell was that in there? Dad, you and Mom need to move into a hotel.

What are you talking about? It sounds crazy, but the house is haunted.

Are you out of your mind? No, I'm not!

I'm sorry I embarrassed you in front of your boyfriends, but...

You've been an embarrassment to me since the day you were born.

However, I've managed to lower my expectations to a degree that an incident like that in there leaves me relatively unaffected.

But what does bother me is the state of your mental health, because you're acting like a fucking nut.

Now get it together!

Why won't she leave you alone? I don't know.

Maybe she still has unfinished business or something.

We buried your body. What are you so hung up on?

My dad's gonna have me institutionalized.

Why doesn't she just come right out and tell us what she wants?

Maybe she's trying to, and we just don't know how to hear her.

Oh, Christ, Evey. You saw him tonight.

Having him committed is not the answer, Donald.

Yeah? He's going through a phase.

It will pass. What if it doesn't?

We don't get to pick our children. All we can do is love them.

We should've adopted.

Not some ethnic kid. You know what I'm saying.

A white kid.

Donald, your breath is terrible. Go brush, will you?

No solicitors. Don. Who is it?

We're here to see your son. Raymond?

Well, whatever he's done, I apologize.

The kid's not right in the head. No, let her in.

Where in the hell are you going? He's upstairs.

What's wrong with you? What are you...?

It's just so good to see Raymond making friends.

Raymond, this is my granddaughter. Zelda, say hello.

Hi, Zelda. Nice to meet you.

Okay. What's she doing here?

Hannah's spirit has been troubling you, and speaking with someone her own age will help relax her.

It's good to see you again.

What's this? Has anything happened to the body?

I dropped it.

She's been marked. You can't stay here.

It's not safe for you to be in here. You must go. You must wait outside.

Good. I will wait outside.


It's a phonautograph. It's the earliest known device for recording sound.

I have a tape recorder in my backpack, if that's easier.

Hannah was born in the 1800s.

Our chances of communicating with her are far greater using a device from the same period.

Zelda, I'm gonna count from three down to one.

I want you to drift off into the spirit world, but I want your mind to remain here.

Three, two, one.

Can you hear me, Zelda? Yes, grandma.

How'd she do that? She's crossed over.

Hannah, are you there? Hannah, speak to us. Tell us what you want.

It's angry.

Zelda, ask Hannah why she's angry. It says it's not Hannah.

Zelda, did you see the spirit? Can you describe it?

Oh, my God, it's Ambrose Longstreet.

Who? Hannah's father.

Ambrose, what do you want? He won't let me go.

Ambrose, let her go and tell us what you want.

I want it back. What do you want back?

The necklace. What necklace? Who... who has it?

The man. He stole it.

The man. He stole it.

The man. He stole it.

The man. What man? Who has it?

Where is the necklace, Ambrose? He did it.

How do you feel? Not so good.

Virginia, I can't do this without you. Raymond, you must.

If not, Becca's in great danger. What do you mean?

If a spirit interacts with someone who's psychically unaware, it turns vengeful.

You, her and your parents will all be in great danger.

It's only gonna get worse. Where's the necklace?

I don't know what necklace he's talking about. Raymond, you've got to find it!


All right, that's it. That's it. You can't stay here anymore.

Listen, Dad, you and Mom are in trouble! No, you listen!

I've canceled your credit cards. I've stopped payment on your apartment.

You are cut off, mister. Dad, this is serious.

You take one step back into that house, I'll have you committed.

You understand? Committed!

You look like shit.

Thanks. I had a nightmare.

I don't think I'll ever get over the fact that you slept with Dave Richards.


Your neck hurt? I've got a pill for that.

I have to find that necklace before something bad happens to my parents.

Sweetheart, something to drink, please.

Make it a double.

So, Raymond, the doctor called and said your father can come home this afternoon.

Donald's depressed, though.

It seems Archibald invited him to the country club tonight.

Country club. That figures.

You know, you don't run across a lot of poor people named Archibald.

You don't, do you?

Excuse me.

This is fun.

I like her.

Mom, please listen to me. The house is not safe.

Promise me you won't go back there, not until I can take care of things.

Raymond, for heaven's sake, what is going on with you?

I'm worried about you, honey.

Just promise me you'll spend the rest of the day at the hospital with Dad.

But that's ridiculous.

It will really make you feel better?

Okay, I will. Thank you.

Mom, why do you think Dad hates me so much?

Your father doesn't hate you, Raymond.

He just...

He just doesn't understand some things.

I'm sorry.

What I want you to know is that we both love you very, very much, honey.

And we're proud of you. And I want you to always remember that.

Thanks, Mom.

I just thought of something. A way that you can get back into your dad's good graces.

And come home.

Thank you. Keys.

Give me your keys. Thanks.

I think... I think you might want to stay seated for the next... Oh, my goodness.

...few hours. Do you have any water or coffee? Anything?

You all right? I think I'm having a hot flash.


Excuse me.

Why, hello, Don.

Got your calls. I was wondering how long it was gonna take you before you realized Raymond was off his antipsychotics.

Listen, give me my money, and I will prescribe his "blood pressure" medication again.

Okay? That's the deal. Okeydoke.

Fucking cocksucker!

Where's Mr. Wadsworth?

Mr. Wadsworth.... is in the hospital with a broken boner.

I've been approved to temporarily fill in as substitute teacher since they couldn't find anybody else on such short notice.


Let's start with attendance, shall we? You're gay, right?

Never met a gay person before.

Being a football coach and all, your father must be so disappointed.

Do you know me? Do you know me?

I'm asking you a question. Do you know me?

I'll tell you who I am.

I'm a fucking wizard... sent from the future in a motherfucking time machine to tell you that you are an asshole.

You're the type of person that makes fun of fat, short little kids and makes them feel bad about themselves for the rest of their lives because you think you're so special. Well, you know what?

You're not special. You're not different. You're not even particularly interesting.

You're the same bigoted, homophobic, redneck, football-scoring, Martin Luther King-assassinating, asshole-faced son-of-a-bitch redneck that you have spent your entire life rebelling against.

And I know... that that kills you inside.

Sorry about that.

Want to get out of here? Yeah.

Yeah, let's get the fuck out of here. Hey, fuck you, guys.

All right, Becca, wait here. Better yet, go back to the bar.

It's safer. Please. I can take care of myself.

You've been marked. I'm not letting you go any further.

You've been marked.

You saw what happened to Virginia. You're not going in there alone.

That felt good.


Ambrose? Ambrose. Ambrose?

Ambrose. Check this out.

You okay?

Ambrose, don't kill her! I...

I can fix this! Just tell me where the necklace is.

I'm not riding in this thing again until you get new tags.

Do you have any idea how many drugs I have on me right now?

Just keep watch while I sneak inside.

Well, my night just got a whole lot more interesting.

Dad? Are you all right?

Did you say something?

Eve sent you a gorgeous bouquet.

I'm gonna get you some water.

Where's the necklace?


Get on the couch! Who are you? Okay, okay. I can explain. I can expl...

Who are you? I'm a friend of your father's, Raymond.

He was working at my parents' house the night that he disappeared.

Oh, you're... you're Eve's son.

Raymond. Raymond.


Does that necklace belong to you?

No. I... Well, I found it in my father's jacket.

I'm sorry, it's stolen property, and I'm gonna have to ask for it back.



Just take it. It's not really my thing, anyway. It's vintage, so...

So you're Hector's daughter.

It's so weird our families have known each other for so long, yet we've never met.

I was grounded for most of my childhood, so there was that.

And then I run an Internet business. It keeps me busy.

Busty latina Bootys, right? You know my site?


You're a kinky one. You're... you're Noelle!

You're a dirty one. I am a dirty one.

You are a dirty one. It is. Small world. Holy shit. Small world.

I can't tell you what a pleasure it's been masturbating to you.

Thank you. No, it's been a real pleasure taking your money.

So, you want to watch TV or something?

No. You should probably... I'll leave.

Where's my car? They towed it.

You didn't stop them? Fucking pigs.

Come on, my car's at the bar.

Shouldn't we call a cab?

Well, yeah, dude, because they're a bunch of liberal cocksuckers.

You listening to a word we're saying?

They'll socialize that jacket if you let 'em.

Fuck. My keys are in the back.

What you got there, bud? Give it to me!

Give it back, Pope! Seriously, man! What the fuck are you gonna do about it?

You know what?

I'm gonna punch you in the face and probably get my ass kicked.

Prove it.

Suck on that.

Fellas, make sure to tell my parole officer this was self-defense.

Lay a hand on him and there's gonna be trouble.

Stay back, Becca. Stay back. Stay the fuck out of this, Becca.

I've never hit a girl, and I'm not about to start.

I'm pretty sure I'll like it. I'm not scared of you, Pope.

Fine, girly. Just remember that you begged for it.

Fuck! Jesus Christ!


What the hell are you doing here?

Mom, what happened to your neck? Are you okay?

The banister broke. Which is odd, we just had it replaced.

Mom, get out of the house right now. She's not going anywhere, all right?

Did I not warn you about stepping foot in this house again?

Don... And you stop running after my boy.

You're trouble. Suck my dick.

What are you gonna do with those shovels?

Wait! Wait! Wait. Wait.

Stop. Stop! Stop with the goddamn shovels.

Stop tearing up my goddamn yard!

Hey, Dad, thanks for telling me I've been on antipsychotics for the past 15 years.

What? The blood-pressure medication I've been on for like half my life, it's all a freaking lie.

Dad's been getting Dr. Carpenter to prescribe me antipsychotics.

And for good reason. Ever since you started taking these, you stopped seeing those goddamn ghosts.

Remember how he scared you all the time, acting crazy like this?

Like he is right now? Stop it!

You're in big trouble, Raymond. Big trouble. Eve, make the call.

No. I won't, Donald.

All right. If you want to do something right, you do it your goddamn self.

What's he doing? He's having you committed.


They're coming, Raymond.

The wagon from the nuthouse is coming to take you away.

Is that a dead body?

Sleep well, Hannah.

It's all right. He's got to go.

Donald... Stop. Stop. Stop it.


Allow me to explain.

We just reunited a family in the afterlife and spared you from the wrath of a vengeful spirit.

So, on behalf of Becca and I, I would just like to say... fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, and especially, fuck you.

Not you, Mom. I love you. I love you, too.

"F" you!

Congratulations on your first day. Nervous?

Yeah, I'm nervous. I mean, you gave up bartending to work for me.

What if this doesn't pan out? I believe in you.

Ready to greet your customers?


Well, it's morning. Most hauntings happen at night.

I don't need you to cheer me up.

Everyone, shut the fuck up!

Please sign in, and we'll get to you one at a time as fast as we can.


One Saturday I took a walk to Zipperhead I met a girl there and she almost knocked me dead Punk rock girl, please look at me What do you see?

Let's travel 'round the world Just you and me, punk rock girl I tapped her on the shoulder and said do you have a bell?

She looked at me and smiled and said she did not know Punk rock girl, give me a chance Let's go slamdance We'll dress like Minnie Pearl Just you and me, punk rock girl We went to the Philly Pizza Company and ordered some hot tea The waitress said "Well, no, we only have it iced"

So we jumped up on the table and shouted "Anarchy"

And someone played a Beach Boys song on the jukebox It was "California Dreamin'" So we started screamin'

"On such a winter's day"

She took me to her parents for a Sunday meal Her father took one look at me and he began to squeal Punk rock girl, it makes no sense Your dad is the Vice President Rich as the Duke of Earl Yeah, you're for me, punk rock girl

We went to a shopping mall and laughed at all the shoppers And security guards trailed us to a record shop We asked for Mojo Nixon They said "He don't work here"

We said "If you don't got Mojo Nixon Then your store could use some fixin'"

We got into a car, away we started rollin'

I said "How much you pay for this?" She said "Nothing man, it's stolen"

Punk rock girl, you look so wild Let's have a child We'll name her Minnie Pearl Just you and me Eat fudge banana swirl, just you and me We'll travel 'round the world Just you and me Punk rock girl