Summer '03 (2018) Script

JAMIE NARRATING: Isn't it funny how you can never remember much about summer?

♪♪ It's kinda just like, I don't know, a generic string of happy memories.


Like that feeling when you leave on the last day of school and when your hands get sticky from ice cream melting off the cone.

Swimming with friends, sometimes with boys, if you're lucky.

Sleeping till 2:00.


Borrowing the car.

When nothing significant ever happens, it's very easy for the days to melt together, passing slowly like a lazy river.


I can go tomorrow. I can be back tomorrow.

I'll be back tomorrow.

Okay. Hey.

Okay, will do. I'll be in tomorrow, okay?

[SIGHS] She doesn't look too good.

Where have you been?

Bathroom. And where is Dad?

He's on a work call right out there.

I'm starving. Can you sit and chitchat with Grandma until I get a salad or something?

You want anything? Yeah, I'm okay.

Wait, actually, wait. What?

What if she, like, dies?

She's not gonna die while I get a salad.

It's totally possible.

You know what? Text me.

If she dies, text me.

Don't say it so loud. She'll hear you.

SHIRA: She's not gonna die.


JAMIE: This was the summer I fucked up.




Oh, yeah.

Come here.


I have to tell you something.

Oh, Grandma, it's okay. You look so sleepy.

Shh. Girl, it's important.

This is something you need to hear.

I want you to know you're going to heaven.

Grandma, that's so sweet.

No, you don't understand.

I know this for a fact.

Um, I'm not quite getting what you...

Well, your mother's a dirty Jew.


So when you were a baby, I had you baptized without your parents knowing.

Isn't that marvelous?

It's... You don't have to be afraid anymore.

Afraid? Oh, my God. What? Afraid of what?

Well, of going to hell.

Going to... Okay.

Okay, yeah, um...

I should probably get going.

Not yet, honey. Okay.

There's just one more thing.

One thing in this world that you need to know, and no one's gonna have the guts to tell you.

I wish I had been prepared for it.

Learn how to give a good blow job.

Jamie, what happened?

Are you okay?

I'll tell you in the car.

SHIRA: When did she even, honestly, take her to get baptized?

When she was, like, watching her for a weekend, she took her and dumped her in water?

JAMIE: I didn't tell them about the blow job part, for obvious reasons.

I mean, I've never even seen a real dick up close before.


Oh, my God!

ALL: Whoo!

GUY: Baby, don't leave!

JAMIE: I didn't see what the big deal was.

SHIRA: Because she is half-Jewish.

There's no way you take that away.

But faith or whatever?

NED: She didn't indoctrinate her into a cult, okay?

Didn't she though? Just Catholic.

It just wasn't something we talked about.

Half of you is still going to hell.

You're fine. You're not going to hell.

By the way, bad half's gonna have a real good time.

You're welcome.

♪ No matter how far we go ♪

♪ Or how long the ride ♪

♪ I want you to always remember ♪

♪ Love always comes on time ♪


SHIRA: I mean, she just had to give me one last fuck you, right?

You are blowing this out of proportion.

She loves you. No, she does not love me.

Let's not be crazy. Okay, hey.

She's dying.

Cut her some slack.

SHIRA: I'm sorry.




Is she dead?


She wasn't though.

And I know it's an awful thing to think, but looking back, kinda wish she had been.

I don't have much time left.

I've always wondered what snapped inside her.

What is that thing that makes old people accept that they're gonna die?

That invisible force that completely deletes whatever filter they had left.

You were a very difficult child, Hope, which is partly my fault for having you so late.

I mean, you'd cry and cry, sometimes for days.

Um, is there, is there a point to this story, Mom?

I used to lock you in the downstairs coat closet till you wore yourself out, just to get some peace.

I've been carrying this with me for years.

I believe in my heart Dotty genuinely thought she was helping.

Yeah, and maybe I was just practice for the main event, but that night she decided to finish what she started with me.


Oh, don't be so dramatic.

You are a sweet boy, Dylan.

Thank you.

And you are clearly a homosexual.

A what? I'm partly to blame.

I should've sent you away years ago.

I think it would do you and your mother some good if you went away and got yourself fixed.

Your life would be easier in the long run.

Will you do that for me, Dylan?

I never liked you, Shira.

Oh, really?

Oh, wait, I knew you didn't like me.

I think I knew that was coming.

This actually feels really good.

Oh, Ned, you're my baby.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much.

I have to tell you something that I should've told you years ago when your father died.

What is it, Mom?


I'm afraid that you won't forgive me.

Mom, there's nothing that you can say that's gonna make me love you less, okay?

Okay. [LAUGHS]

Your father, George, my late husband, well, he wasn't exactly...

Wasn't exactly what?

NED: Are you fucking kidding me?

You knew this my entire life, and you didn't tell me!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What is happening?

Apparently our dad is not my dad.

Did you know that? Did you know about this?

No! Who?

It's some other guy.

What the fuck is his name, Mom?

Mom, what is he talking about?

Wait, who is my grand... Was it not Grandpa George?

Herman Lawrence. Herman fucking Lawrence!

Okay, can we not swear in front of Dylan?

Put your headphones on. Who is Herman Lawrence?

Is he still alive? Does anyone know if he's alive?

Is it an Italian name? Lorenz?

I just wanna say this is the kind of shit she pulls.

You're a cunt! Whoa!

She's lying! She is manipulative, okay?

I'm sorry you had to see it this way.

Stop! Just stop!

Shira, she is dying. She is on her deathbed.

Oh, don't be so dramatic.

What's a homosexual?



I had to get outta there.

♪ That's the way we get by ♪

♪ The way we get by The way ♪

♪ Well, that's the way we get by ♪

♪ That's the way we get by ♪ Hey, March.

March Jefferson is one of those guys everyone else only kind of knows.

Yo, there's a party at March Jefferson's.

Wanna bounce?

I'm March Jefferson. You're in my house.


His parents travel a lot.

A fool.

A fool.

I met a fool in the forest.

A motley fool, a miserable world.

As I do live by...

He was in my Shakespeare class last year.

He'd try to make me laugh.

Who laid him down and basked him in the sun and railed on Lady Fortune in good terms.

It helped.

Because whenever it's my turn to perform, I...

I clam up. I can't function.

My heart beats a million miles an hour, and I just...

I shut down.


I've almost forgot the taste of fear.

[WHISPERING] God, she is so pathetic.

The time has been my senses... [LAUGHTER]

Get the fuck out. What?

You heard me.

Get... the... fuck... out.

Right on time.

No one else seemed to get the memo, but you?

You're on your shit, Winkle.

That's me.

Did Emily leave? Hours ago.

Where you been?

Hospital. Grandma died.

No shit. When?

Uh, like 30 minutes ago. No shit.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Thank you.

She just, you know.

She kinda hated it here anyway.




Don't you need to, like, be with your family or something?

Yeah, they kinda have a lot going on at the moment.

I don't really think they even noticed that I left, so...

Do you need some help? Uh, sure.


Do you want a beer?

Fuck yes.

How did I miss that? You suck.

I'm out.

The next one. [LAUGHS]

Aren't you ever, like, worried that your parents are gonna find out about these parties?

What are they gonna do? I mean, really.

If they come home and some little thing is broken, they'll what, take away my Xbox?

God, I'm so jealous.

Like, okay, if it were my parents, they would totally disown me or send me away.

Well, let me know where you end up, so I can come visit.


Do you wanna, like, go inside and watch TV or something?

I've got the entire DVD box set of Frasier.

Enticing, I know.


As friends.

Oh, right. Um...


Do you have to... It's just my dad.

But, um...

I should probably just, you know, get going.

Are you gonna be okay?

Of course.

Do you want a ride?





♪♪ [ROCK]

♪ This one-way love affair ain't fair ♪ Mom? Mom? ♪ It ain't no affair to me ♪

♪ It's all give and take and you just take ♪

♪ And I can't take it ♪ What's going on?

Jamie! Dance with me!

Here we go. Listen to the words.

♪ Me and my friends will be just fine ♪ What's happening? What are you doing?

Am I not in trouble? Why would you be in trouble?

You're in trouble for not dancing with me. Come on!

Okay. Okay, this is the way we do it here.

♪ You've done nothin' for me ♪ Where's Dad, Mom? What?

Mom, where is Dad?

Oh, where's your dad? Yes.

He's... He's gone. He is not home.

Wait, what does that mean? Where is...

Oh, you wanna know where Daddy is?

Yes. Well, he decided that tonight he had to leave to go find his real dad, and then the great news is that he left me to throw your Jew-hating grandmother her funeral by myself!

Dance with me. ♪ You've done nothing for me ♪

♪ Uh-uh, uh-uh ♪ So... We gotta dance, girl!

Wait, wait, Dad's gone, Mom?

Yeah, he's way gone.

He is halfway around the world, my friend.

You are not fun! Do this, come on!

♪ Now you know about everything ♪


VOICE: Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system.

NED: Ned Winkle. VOICE: Is not available.

The mailbox is full and cannot accept any messages at this time.


♪♪ [PIANO]

JAMIE: "Everyone must leave something behind when he dies," my grandfather said.

"A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes made or a garden planted."


Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die.

And when people look at that tree or that flower you planted...

DOTTY: You're saved.'re there.




Good morning, Catholic people!

LUKE: Good morning. Oh, shit!

I didn't think that anyone was here.

I just...

The door must have been unlocked.

Yeah, I thought that was kinda just a church thing, you know, 'cause in movies it seems like people just wander in and are like, "God, Jesus, help me." I don't know.

I'm gonna take a wild guess and say that you've never been to church before.

Yes. Is Patrick...

I'm sorry, Father.

Father Patrick.

Yes. Is he around?

No, but you can talk to me.

Who are you?

Oh, my gosh, that was so rude. I'm sorry.

That's okay. I'm Luke. Hi.

Hi. Jamie. Nice to meet you.

I started here at the seminary, and Father Patrick's mentoring me before I get ordained.

Oh. Um...


Thank you.

So is there anything that I can help you with?

I don't know.

It's kinda just been a weird couple of days.

Are you here to confess?

Well, I don't think I did anything wrong.

That's good.


Um, I guess I'm just, I don't know.

I guess I'm just trying to figure out why this is such a big deal.

What, like religion in general?

Is that the wrong question?

No, it's just, uh, it's a very big question.

Yeah, I know, I know.

God, I must sound fucking insane to you, honestly.

I just... Oh, jeez, that was not...

Um, do you wanna go for a walk?

If not, that's fine, but, like, do you?

Yeah. Okay.


JAMIE: I don't believe in love at first sight or anything like that, but I do believe in seeing someone from across the room and knowing instantly... that they're gonna matter to you.

Luke gave me that feeling.

I wanted to bite his lip.


What's so funny?

We just haven't said anything.

LUKE: Well, what do you wanna talk about?

What are you doing?



Are you okay? Yeah, it's just coffins...

Hey, Mom? are a trigger... you know, small spaces...

'cause being buried alive is basically my biggest fear.

And now, thanks to my dear mother, I know why.

She was great, right? Yeah.

Your mother will rest comfortably in the oak.

And there are other options.

She's not gonna know if it's a less expensive option.

She's not even gonna know if we rolled her in the dirt.

Let's be honest. I don't disagree.

I'm not saying let's roll her in the dirt.

Have you seen the place that she wants to have the funeral at?

It's like the fuckin' Ritz for dead people...

Mom! What? What do you want? What?

I wanna start going to church.

I'm going to, uh, get the paperwork.



I don't know. I wanna start going to church.

Clearly it was important to Dotty.

Oh. Why not give it a shot?

Just see what the whole thing's about.

Oh, just like give it a whirl?

You think that this is the right moment, when we're looking for your grandmother's casket?

It just came to my mind. Why couldn't I tell you now?

Shira, I can take her. It's really not a problem.

Oh, oh. Sundays.

You know, the transportation that was my concern, how was she gonna get to church.

She's being nice. You know what you need to hear?

This is your grandmother reaching out from the grave, putting her fingers in and causing a conspiracy...

Wanting to go to church is not the same thing as Ned going to find his real father.

Yeah, it's really not the same.

You know what? Yes, go to church.

Go crazy. Become the fuckin' pope.

You'll be the first lady pope.

Maybe I will. God bless you.

Oh, my God, mazel tov. Thank you.

I feel like all my sins have been absolved.

Why are you being so insensitive about it?

I'm not being insensitive.

You're honestly saying it like you're offended by it.

Hey, do either of you know where Dylan is?

No. No.

But why is that such a big... You never took me to temple.

Excuse me for wanting to try a church out, see what it's about.

Oh, so now you're, what, like a child of God?

Yes, I'm a child of God. Then you should become a nun.

Maybe we could put you just right in a nunnery.


My keys are also missing.

Oh, fuck.

♪♪ Dylan! Dylan!


Dylan, Dylan! Dylan!

Oh, my God, Dylan.

Dylan, what are you doing?

Dylan, stop! Open the door, baby.

There's a button on the side. Stop the car!

Open the door! Mom, it's locked!

[BANGING] The doors are locked!

Dylan, be careful! The brake is on the left.

Dylan, what are you doing? Stop!


Brake! Brake! It's right there!

Dylan, what are you doing? I don't know!



♪♪ Hey, what's this song called?

"I Saw Her Cry" by Angel Oak.




Unlock the door.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, baby!

Oh, God.

You saved his life.



JAMIE: The timing was too perfect.

If the mere thought of going to church had anything to do with saving my cousin's life, I was obviously on the right track.

And now with my mother's blessing, albeit a sarcastic one, I could go back and see him.

He reminded me of all the boys in my favorite books.

The ones I got lost in.


If Luke liked me before when I wasn't trying to look good or anything, imagine what he'd think of me if I actually smelled nice and did my hair.

The effects could be earth shattering.

♪♪ [ORGAN]

In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

ALL: Amen.

The Lord be with you. And also with you.


Please be seated.

Brothers and sisters...

You'll get the hang of it.

...let us acknowledge our sins and so prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries.

Have mercy upon us, oh, Lord. [PHONE VIBRATES]

ALL: For we have sinned against you.

Today I address you all in tragedy as we have lost one of our own.

Dorothy Winkle left us on Friday.

Her daughter, Hope, and her grandchildren, Jamie and Dylan, join us today in prayer.

Let us take a moment of silence to mourn our loss.

Dorothy's funeral will be this Thursday with a reception to follow at Hope's home.

In these times of sadness, we often turn to celebration, finding our light within this darkness.

This Friday, our own Luke Shay will be ordained.

He has worked very hard, and he will continue God's work for the rest of his life.


Where are you going? Our mission...

Grieving. to do God's will.

We can only follow the teachings of our church.

They dictate...

♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh ♪


♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh ♪ Hey.


♪ Uh-oh, uh-oh ♪ JAMIE: When Emily transferred to my school freshman year, there was no misstep.

She was instantly popular.

No shit!


The woman knows what's up.

Your family is so fucking random, I love it.

Emily was the one person I told about the blow job part.

I mean, it's what I've been telling you for years.


She came from Los Angeles, where the girls are much faster, and immediately had everyone's attention.

First, you lick the edges to get them excited.

Oh! Oh.

Rather than shaming her, the girls at school embraced her vast wealth of sexual knowledge.

They, love it, trust me. Okay, then...



Wait, I'm just confused. Ohh!

It was impressive.

♪ Uh, uh, uh-oh ♪

So who you gonna lose your mouth virginity to?

What do you mean?

Her dying wish, Jamie. You have to blow someone.

You're gonna love it. It's so hot.

But why? How is it hot, you know?

'Cause there's nothing, like, being done to you physically, so I don't understand what's so amazing about it.

It just seems kinda weird.

You'll get it. And there's nothing weird about a blow job.

People have been doing it for thousands of years.

The first thing Eve did was blow Adam.

[SCOFFS] I highly doubt that.

It's in the Bible.

Regardless, if you blow someone, and you don't tell me, you know I'll never speak to you again, right?

[GASPS] I've got it.


March. [GIGGLES]

What do you mean?

Don't play dumb. You should blow March.

No! No! Come on. He, like, loves you.

And he'll be super nice to you after.

Shut up, man. [EMILY LAUGHS]

♪ Every time you see me driving by ♪

♪ Got a little pretty thing by my side ♪

♪ Make the ladies say oh, my, oh, my ♪ Jesus Christ, it's like hardly 11:00.

♪ So fly, so fly ♪ Time to drink!

♪ Got a little pretty thing by my side ♪

♪ Make the ladies say oh, my, oh, my ♪

♪ Oh, my, oh, my ♪ JAMIE: Fuck Luke.

Fuck him in his stupid fucking face.

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, do what you do ♪

♪ I like the way you do that right there ♪

♪ Swing your hips when you're walkin' ♪

♪ Let down your hair ♪

♪ I like the way you do that right there ♪

♪ Lick your lips when you're talkin' ♪

♪ That make me stare ♪

♪ I like the way you look in them pants, see ya fine ♪

♪ Your mama a quarter piece She far from a dime ♪

♪ The type of girl that getcha up and go make you grind ♪

♪ I'm thinkin' about snatchin' her up dirty ♪

♪ Makin' her mine ♪

♪ Look at her hips Look at her legs ♪

♪ Ain't she stacked ♪

♪ I sure wouldn't mind hittin' that from the back ♪

♪ I like it when I touch it 'cause she moans li'l bit ♪

♪ Jeans saggin' so I can see her thong li'l bit ♪

♪ I know you grown li'l bit 20 years old, you legal ♪

♪ Don't trip off my people Just hop in the Regal ♪

♪ I swoop on her like an eagle ♪

♪ Swoop down on prey ♪

♪ I know you popular but you gon' be famous today ♪

♪ I'll say I like the way you do that right there ♪


Oh, my God!

♪ Lick your lips when you're talkin' ♪

♪ That make me stare ♪

♪ I like the way you do that right there ♪

♪ Swing your hips when you're walkin' ♪

♪ Let down your hair ♪

♪ I like the way you do that right there ♪

Wait! What are you doing? What are you doing?

Stop, March! I'm throwing you in!

No, stop, March! [SCREAMS]


March, I know how to swim.


You just stayed down there.

You scared me. [LAUGHS]

Shit. EMILY: Jamie!

I am so sorry, Jamie. Are you all right?

Yeah. March, what the actual fuck?

I'll get you a new phone.

It's fine. I gotta go.

I'll drive you.

Em, you're drunk.

I'll just walk.

I wasn't mad about the phone.

I was mad that he ruined my one little moment of peace.

LUKE: Jamie!

Jamie, hi.

You okay?

Why do you care?

I was just headed towards your house.

My mom is home.

I figured, but I'm a nice young man.

I assumed she wouldn't mind.

And... what about me?

I thought you might wanna hang out.


Jamie, wait!


Jamie, what did I do? Come on.


What do you think you did?

Well, I think... that you're upset with me because I ignored you.

I think you wanted me to watch you, and you wanted my attention.

Am I right, Jamie?

You're an asshole.

Why did you ignore me?

Because you made me wanna break the rules.



Can I ask you a question?


You're just so young, you know?

You don't seem very... priest-like.

That's not a question.

Well, I mean that...

Well, besides not knowing any of the religious stuff, I just, I know that I could never do what you do.

I hate public speaking.

I can honestly think of nothing worse.

Oh, man, I love it. You know, it's such a rush.

And you can really do a lot when you have the room's attention.

And it's actually a lot easier to get than you think.

So is that why you wanted to become a priest?

I mean, you obviously believe in God too.

It's one of the reasons.

I was in foster care my entire childhood, and the guardians I had when I was about 12 or so, they would go to mass every Sunday.

Now, I remember watching the priest up there, giving his sermons and just thinking, "This guy has the support of his entire community."

You know, this huge group of really nice people.

And he never has to worry about money or finding a home or people that love him.

So yeah, I worked really hard, put myself through school, and here I am.

I have another question.

Oh, no, no, no, it's my turn.

I wanna know about you. Tell me about you.

Oh, I don't know. I...

My favorite food is soft serve ice cream, I hate math, and I love to read.

Mostly science fiction, but sometimes fantasy.

Have you read the Harry Potter books?

I know that's kind of a childish thing to ask, but the fifth book just came out, and I'm just really dying to talk to somebody about it.

I've never read the books, no.

Wait, hang on, are you one of those...

Please don't tell me you're one of those waiting-for-the-movies- to-come-out people.

Oh, no, did I just lose points?

So many points! Literally, all of your points.

All of them! I'll make it up to you.


I have one more question.


Are priests allowed to drink?


JAMIE: He was better than anything I've read.

He was real.

And he made me feel invincible.

I thought about how salty he must be from sweating all day in the sun.



His look gave me the same feeling I got when I had to talk on stage.

My heart in my throat, body shaking, no control.

Today was fun.


But something had to happen.

I wanted it to happen.

If I made a move, I could just blame it on being drunk.

I definitely wouldn't be the first person.

I wanna try something.


What are you doing?

Are you sure?

Just tell me if I do a good job.

All right. Okay.

Um, I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't the Holy Grail.

I mean, it wasn't anything more than a fleshy sock puppet.

You okay? Yeah.

I couldn't even remember what Emily told me.

I didn't lick the sides. I didn't...

I just dove right in, head first, into the mysterious new territory.




Oh, shit. Oh, God!


My heart is pounding.

How was I?




Is that... Is that here for you?

JAMIE: Oh, my God.

Oh, shit. Oh, my God!

I don't know how he even got the car to drive.

I don't know where he could've gone.

We'll find him. Don't worry.


Mom. Jamie.

Oh, my God! Mom...

Oh, my God! Where have you been?

It's okay, it's okay.

Have you been drinking? What are you...

You are one to talk. God!

You've been drinking. Oh, my God!

Where have you been? I've been calling you all day.

Mom, it's fine. My phone, it got wet.

It's broken now.

Oh, you are so... You are so grounded!

Why? Why am I grounded? Because you disappeared!

How am I supposed to know that you are okay when you do not pick up your phone?

My phone got wet! I was just...

How am I supposed to take you seriously?

You smell like alcohol! And what are you...

What are you wearing? I wore this to church, Mom.

You wore this to church?

Why did you call the cops on me? That's insane!

I didn't call the cops on you. I called the cops because your cousin took my car, okay?

Guys, guys, okay, ladies, ladies, we should split up and search the neighborhood, okay?

Okay. Are these your keys, Hope?

Ma'am, wait, should you be driving?

No. No, we'll go together.

I'll drive. All right, great.

Let's go. Jamie, stay here.

What? No! Mom, he's my cousin.

I wanna help look for him. Jamie, go to bed.




Just get that thumb straight up for me there.

There you go.

What color would you like your cast to be?

What are my options?

Any color you want.


DOCTOR: Purple it is.


Hey, March.


What happened to your car?

March, Jamie can't play today. She's grounded.

Mom! All good.

I was just dropping this off.

It's a new phone.

Oh, thank you so much.

I'm really sorry about what happened.

All right, I'll take that. Come on.

What the heck, Mom? Why?

You're grounded. Let's go.

So what, you took away my phone in the first place because I didn't pick up, and now you wanna take away my...

You just don't make sense, Mom. You don't make sense.

Say goodbye to your friend. Now.

I hate you.

Have a good day.



I slept all day and all night.

Thirty-six whole hours of unanswered calls and texts.

Luke could change his mind, or he could think I'm playing hard to get.

Listen, I'm very easy to get.

Blow jobs were like a gateway drug for sex.

I wanted more.


And the rush.


I like the control.


Wait. Which side is it? Which side is it?

Well, you start here.



No, no, no! Ow!

Are you okay?

Oh, my God! You scared the shit out of me!



I would like to discuss the terms of this grounding.

While I know that what I did was wrong, I don't think that taking away my phone privileges is really the correct...

Oh, my God!

I'm sorry, um... you scared me.


Have you seen my mother, by chance?

She's like this, yay tall.

Ze Jew.

Uh, yes.

Ze Jew.




Let's have him for a bit. How long?


Hey, sweetie.

You're back.

Yeah, of course.

[SIGHS] Can I go to Emily's?

No. Why?

She's grounded. Why is she grounded?

Just get ready for dinner. For so many reasons.

Is that old man in there my grandfather?

Yes, he is. Allegedly.

NED: Yes.


SHIRA: It would have been worth maybe you giving me a heads-up that you were bringing a strange man.

He's my father. You don't know that.


JAMIE: I didn't realize how mad I was at my dad for leaving until he came back.

I wanted to yell at him.

I wanted to knock the table over.

I wanted all the food and soda and wine to just create a pool of garbage on the floor.

I wanted it to stain, so he'd be forced to remember the time he left us to deal with his problems.

I just wanted something, anything to happen.


I had so much on my mind.

But I ended up saying nothing at all.

How's everybody's food?

So how did you, um, find him?


Are you sure he's, like, the right Herman?

Yes, Hope, he's the right Herman.

Look, it was very easy, you know.

Mom and Dad, actually your dad, not mine, were in Germany for that year when I was conceived, and, uh, flew to Frankfurt, talked to a private detective, gave him his name, and we found him in a local hospital and brought him here.

So you took him from a hospital? That's kinda weird.

It's not like that, I mean...

Actually, it's exactly like that.

You just said you took him from the hospital.

That's pretty fuckin' weird.

Watch your language, first of all.

Second of all, he's sick, okay?

He's got cancer. Oh, my God, what kind?

I don't know. Look, they were gonna put him into some sort of assisted-living facility, and I figured why not just bring him here?

We have a guest room.

We're a loving family. It's the perfect spot for him.

Yeah, why wouldn't he come and stay in our guest room?

Sounds like he needs to actually be in hospital, and if he was coming, maybe you'd call, let me know to change the sheets.

I don't know. That doesn't seem unreasonable.

Fine. I'm not a mind reader.


So, Jamie, are you planning on speaking at the memorial service?

I know Dylan's gonna say a few words and...

Oh, no. She's gonna speak.

You know how I feel about public speaking.

How about a DNA test?

There's no way, Ned, for you to know...

Will you drop this?

He is my son! Okay.

All of you stop talking about me like I am not here.

Especially the shiv. Excuse me?

Wait, so you guys didn't know that he was super anti-Semitic?

It was just me. Okay, I got this.

Let's just chock this one up to cultural differences.

I'm sure that he didn't mean what he said.

I'm right here, heeb.

Okay. Well, you know what? What's a heeb?

Okay, enough. Dylan, headphones on.

Does anyone think that he might be, like, super racist?

That's hard to misunderstand. Hon...

You don't need to get the DNA test, honey, because obviously Dotty and Herman make a lovely couple.

Can you explain to me why I'm having to deal with this in my own home, in front of my family? Why is this...

'Cause I am trying to connect with my father, okay?

Your dad is an anti-Semite.

Oh, like you've gone to temple that much.

Oh, my God! Just because I don't go to temple all the time, I deserve to be called a heeb in my house?

Do you not understand that this is crazy?

This whole situation is crazy.

All I'm saying is that we all have parents that are difficult.

I'm just saying your parents are not perfect.

Oh, I... Oh, my... I...

What? It's a different world!

What does that have to do...

Because it's a... No.

It's his thing! Are you leaving? Hon!


Hey, hey, Dad, can I go to Emily's?

Yeah, go ahead.



♪ You come in, check my time ♪

♪ You've got fornication crimes ♪

♪ I've seen your hope on television ♪

♪ Where you've been You were not were ♪

♪ They've got tricycles in skirts ♪ I'm proud of you.

Oh, thank you.

Promised I'd tell you. Tell her what?

Did you guys finish Order of the Phoenix yet?

Yes, twice. No.

Oh, my God, it was so good!


Cool. That's not what we're talking about.

We're talking about how Jamie finally lost her mouth virginity.


He was fine. It was nothing, okay?

Can we just talk about something else, please?

Are you not gonna see him again?


You said he was fine, like he died or something.

I did?

He play a sport?

Like at Saint Ags?

Lacrosse, uh-huh.

I know a lot of guys on that team.

What's his name? Can we just drop it, please?

Lacrosse guys are so hot.

Oh, hey, um, before I forget, what time is that funeral thingy on Thursday?

We were gonna go. Um, it's...

You guys, that's really nice, but you don't have to go.

But we're your friends, and we support you no matter what.

Not sure I can make it now, actually.



I gotta bounce. Wait.

We'll see you tomorrow.

Why would you do that?

Why would you actually say that to him? Why?

What? It's just March.

Yeah, but he seemed really upset.

Well, you're not into him, so what's the problem?

He shouldn't get his hopes up, right?

I guess.

We'll figure it out.

He's having a party tomorrow.

He has a party every day.



Oh! Oh, no, oh, shit!

God, we gotta go. My mom's so pissed.

Can we go? Can we go right now?

♪ Waiting for the sun to wake us from this sleep ♪

♪ The dream is ending ♪ Hey. Hey.

What's up?

Oh, wow, you look great.

Thank you. I brought that for you to read.

Oh, cool.

So, um, where we going?

We can't go inside?

Oh, no.

I mean, do you know who I live with?

If anyone were to find out about us...

We're an us?

Shut up. [LAUGHS]

Um, let's see.

Oh, I have an idea.



Get up.

Are you okay?

Um, yeah.

This kinda hurts my knees.

Can we, um... Can we move to the grass?

Yeah. Okay.


Sorry, they're kinda tight. [CHUCKLES]



Do you think we could... Do you...

I just think it would help if you...

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, yeah.



Oh, okay, yeah.

Do wanna put...

Do you want something to put on your...

Oh, yeah. Yeah.


Okay, okay. Okay.






Oh, my gosh! What are you doing down there?

What the fuck? Oh, my God!

Well, at least now I understand why you wanted to start going to church.

I should tell the priest, the real priest, what is happening.


What? Mom, stop!

Mom, no! You're gonna ruin his life.

What are you doing?

Jamie, he needs to know what happened.

You think you're the only one that this is happening to?

You're going to ruin his life! What's going on?

Why are you doing this to me?

Please stop!

No, seriously, why are you doing this?




Stop, please!




I waited all day for them to punish me.


We commandeered our own islands of couches... and lawn chairs...



I was a ghost living in my own house, and I'd had enough.


SHIRA: I don't think we have a choice in it.

NED: If you wanna do it, we'll do it.


Where you going?


No, you're not. You're grounded.

Come here.

This stops now, okay?

We gotta talk about our punishment.

Well, first of all, you're gonna pay for getting the car impounded.

Mm-hmm. That's it?

Great. No, don't do that, okay?

And we're not done.

Does it look like I care if you're done?

What? What?

Come on, look at yourselves.

Ever since Grandma died, you guys have been...

You've lost it. Lost your minds.

You don't talk to us like that, first of all.

People die, okay?

It's okay to move on.

Honestly, I don't feel like being punished because of whatever it is that you guys are going through.

[LAUGHING] Yeah, Herman gets it.

You are now out of line.

I had sex!

Everyone has sex!

Okay. Everyone!

And at least it was with someone that I love.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. What? I do!

You don't even know him, Jamie!

You are totally out of line right now. Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down right now.

Fine. When you decide to be a part of this family again, let me know, okay?

Well, when wanna stop being a shitty dad, let me know.

♪♪ [TENSE]

What are you doing here?

I just... I wanted to see you.

I mean, I just thought maybe we could, you know, finish what we started.

[CAR DOOR OPENS] Are you kidding me, Jamie?

If anyone finds out you're here...

Okay, this whole thing was a huge mistake.

I'm sorry, but it was. It's getting way out of hand.

So you don't...


You don't love me?

Love you? Wait.

You don't love me.

I thought we were just having fun.

Well, we are just having fun.

I just thought that...


You just, you're not obsessed with your job.

You just, you like the security.

[SIGHS] Okay, wow.

Um, there's a lot going on right now, and I'm trying to wrap my head around it.

You're a really sweet girl, but this thing that we're doing, that we did, it can't happen again, okay?

So that's it?

I guess so.


Just tell me one thing though.


Was I always just gonna be the last girl you slept with?

You just wanted to fuck someone before you couldn't anymore?

Tell me. I don't know.

I wasn't really thinking about it in those terms, okay?

I guess it happened that way.

But I never meant for anyone to get hurt.

Now listen, tomorrow when you go to the funeral and stand with your parents, you have to pretend that I don't exist.

Just shake everyone's hands and focus on your family, all right?

Okay, it'll be easy.


I'm really sorry, you know, for what it's worth.

I really did enjoy spending time with you.


♪♪ [TENSE]



♪♪ [HIP-HOP]


♪ Move around Do your thing like this ♪ What the fuck?

Look at this bitch. Whoa.

What's her problem?

Relax, it's a party.

GIRL: That was aggressive.

♪ I love it when you shake it When you move that thing ♪

♪ Little mama, she got game ♪

♪ She wanna pop this Pull out my whip ♪ MARCH: Jamie, you're here.

♪ We about to get wild before the party ♪ Let's go upstairs.

Whoa, what, what are you doing?


You seem different.

Come on, I'm giving you what you want.

What I want? Wow, okay.

Jamie, you made it!


This is Buck.

He, like, plays lacrosse at Saint Ags.

Emily, this isn't a good time. Shh!

Babe, this is the girl that I was telling you about.

She was hanging out with one of your teammates the other day.

Oh, yeah? Who was the lucky guy?

Was it Felter?

Um, yeah, sure.

Hey, Felter!

This your girl? What is he doing?

I really don't wanna hear this.

Do you know her? No.

Jesus Christ, fine!

I lied. Big fucking whoop! Come on!

Emily, why do you care so much about who I hook up with?

I mean, you blow enough lacrosse players for the both of us.


God, you're like a human tornado, just sucking up everything within a 50-foot radius.

You know, just because your grandma died, it doesn't give you permission to act like a total bitch.

I think you should leave.

You know what, March?

You may be able to make friends just by buying beer for them right now, but soon enough, you're gonna have to make friends based on your personality, and no one even knows what that is.

Get the fuck out.

Get... the... fuck... out.


Your parties are getting old anyway.

♪ Move around Do your thing like this ♪

[SHATTERS] Oh, my God.

Guess you lose your Xbox.

Is she crazy? Mm-hmm.


I woke up, and for a few seconds, I had forgotten all of the reasons why I was so miserable.

And no matter how hard I tried to hold on to that feeling, those few seconds, the sun forced them away.


It's Dylan. Can I come in?

Yeah, of course.


My mom wanted to carpool to the funeral.


What's on today?

Electric Light Orchestra.



She's mad at me for trying to run away, but she doesn't understand that I was only doing what Dotty asked me to.

What did Dotty say to you, Dylan?

That I'm a homosexual, and she should've sent me away when my dad left.

Are you joking?

I'm not one for jokes.

Oh, my... What a bitch! I'm so sorry.

You know, and I'm fine with it, really.

It's not that I wish I wasn't.

I just, you know... wish I figured it out later.

No one at school will like me.

Dylan, listen to me.

You are the coolest kid.

I mean, look at you. You wear vintage clothes.

You have the best taste in music.

And that's just stuff that you can't teach, you know?

Come here.

Gay or not, man, you still have me.

You're never gonna get rid of me.


PRIEST: In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

ALL: Amen.

The Lord be with you. And also with you.

Dorothy Winkle's life was well-lived.

She served the Lord, she served her Catholic faith.

She made sure that her friends...

JAMIE: I can't imagine any of us wanted to mourn Dotty that day.

PRIEST: Enjoy in her eternal life.

We loved Dorothy.

We will miss her.

How can you mourn someone you're still mad at?

How can you forgive someone who's dead?

Dotty was my best friend.

She always had a big smile on her face.

She loved her grandchildren.

She loved to travel.

Dotty gave me candy whenever I wanted.

Good at bridge.


Peaceful. Smart.

So old.

To conclude our service and before we collect ourselves outside for the burial, I want to invite anyone else who would like to pay their respects to speak now.



Um, okay.

I would like to say something.

Jamie, what...

It's fine, Mom. I have to do this.


I felt Dotty with me then, egging me on.

And just like her, I had nothing left to lose.

Come on.

Say something.

Hi! Um...


I'm Jamie Winkle, um...

Dotty's granddaughter.

I, um, I just wanted to say a few things.

I'm really sorry. I'm nervous.

I'm not very good at this, so I'm sorry.


I never really tried to get to know my grandmother.

You know, she was always just the old woman who would write me checks on my birthday.


But, um...

But hearing all of you say such nice things about her, it just kinda makes me wonder if that was the same woman I knew.

I think what I've realized the hardest part about this whole thing is figuring out how to forgive someone that you can't talk to.

To me, Dotty was tough, you know?

She wasn't always nice.

I mean, my poor parents. They just...

My dad just found out that this guy, Herman, is his real father.

And then Dotty told my mom that she never liked her because she's Jewish.

I mean, God, it's 2003, for Christ's sake.

This is what happens when people don't talk to each other.

This is why family shouldn't keep secrets from one another.

To clear her conscience, Dotty chose to burden us with just a bunch of fucked-up shit.

Thank you, Jamie. I'm not finished, Father.



Before Dotty died, she told me that she had me baptized when I was a baby without my parents knowing.

With you, actually. Isn't that crazy? Yeah.

Man, she must have really wanted me to go to heaven.

But you know what the funniest thing is?

After she told me this whole baptism thing and convinced me that religion really needed to play a much larger role in my life, she told me a secret.

The secret of life.

Jamie... Shh, not now.

Oh, by the way, this is Luke, everyone.

He officially becomes a priest tomorrow!

Can we please give him a round of applause?

Whoo! Okay, anyway.

So I was sitting with Dotty, right?

She just told me about the baptism thing.

These words actually come out of her mouth:

"Jamie, there is one thing in this world you need to know, but no one will have the guts to tell you, something I wish I had been prepared for."

"Learn how to give a proper blow job."


Yup. So this woman is on her deathbed, and she decides that her last words to me are telling me that I need to learn how to give head, okay?

So I chock this up to her being old and demented.

But then I met this guy.

It was Luke, actually.

And he made me feel safe and good about myself when I came to the church looking for answers.

Okay, Jamie, that's enough.

So good, in fact, that he... he helped my sweet, sweet grandma get her dying wish.



She doesn't know what she's talking about.

Luke, you were the one who told me how easy it was to get a crowd's attention.

Looks like I have it.

Okay, please, now, Jamie...


Fuck! I'm so sorry! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Still wanna run away?

NED: Jamie! Jamie!



Can I drive?

Hell no! Come on!


Oh, my God, where are you going?

NED: Jamie! Jamie!

SHIRA: Jamie! Oh, my God!

NED: Jamie!

Jamie, stop!


SHIRA: Whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, no no!

NED: No! Damn it.

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Shit! Shit.


Oh, my God.


All right! Whoo!


That was fun. [LAUGHS]





NED: Can we get some help? [DYLAN COUGHS]

Hey, hey, Dylan, Dylan, are you okay?

I think...

I think I'm fine. Can we get some help?

Jamie, are you okay? Jamie!

Fuck! Ow! Fuck.

[GROANS] My arm.


Dylan, are you okay?

Oh, God. Oh, my God, on the grave.

Just... Okay.


I can get out, if you just grab my arm.

I can't. I can't.

Yes, you can!





Okay, let's go.


Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Okay, just get...

Guys, can someone try to help me out of here?

My arm is fuckin' broken. Guys!

Can someone...

SHIRA: Oh, my God. Come on, honey.


Careful, her arm. Okay, I got it.

Okay, here we go. Don't touch my arm.

Pull. Okay.

Oh, shit. Oh, God.

Ow! All right, back up.

Don't touch my fuckin' arm! Don't touch my fuckin' arm.

Okay, baby. It's fine.

Oh, my God! What were you doing?

I don't know, man.


DOCTOR: All right.

You guys gotta be more careful.

I gotta hand it to you.

Threw a pretty flawless funeral.

I mean, I think it went off without a hitch, really, wouldn't you say?

This is why I just totally abandoned you and let you plan it all by yourself.

Too soon? Really?

Yeah, a little too soon.

I, uh...

About this week... Uh-huh.

I am... Sorry?

I know, I know. Very.

Oh, my God.

DOCTOR: And what color would you like your cast to be?

Purple. Okay.


Where's Herman? Shit.

[LAUGHING] You forgot him?

Well, there's a couple things going on here.

Oh, my God! SHIRA: I will go get Herman.

Ah, no, you've done enough.

No. You guys have to go to the reception.

Honestly, I don't mind.

I will make sure that he's got his... all his hoods and all his robes.

Don't forget his lighter fluid. He needs that for the crosses.

Well, if they can all fit in the car.



Appreciate it.



You're not a shitty dad.

I'm not? I don't know.

I mean, my daughter just told all of her friends and family she had oral sex with a priest, so I think, I think I'm pretty high up there.

Well, he's not a priest yet.

Oh, okay, well, then, you know, then that... Okay, good.

Come here.

What a week.

There is nothing that you can say that would make me love you less.

Hey, so, um... how long is Herman staying?

Ooh, yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Oh, yeah?

What do you think about a roommate situation?

You and him, side-by-side bunk beds, right?



Can I come in?

Well, you're already in.


This was in the car.

I should've known never to trust a guy who doesn't like Harry Potter.

I think that's a very good litmus test.

This also came for you. It's from Luke.

I read it.

You what?

Relax. He told me I could. He dropped it off.

And it took every ounce of strength in my body not to beat the shit out of him.

But then I remembered, "Oh, yeah, you already did that."

What did it say?

Don't you wanna read it?

I don't know. I just think it might be better if I... let it go.

He's leaving. That's all you need to know.


You know what? Good.

Mom, do you think Grandma did this to us on purpose?


Honestly, I would love to think that that's true because it makes it easier for me to hate her.

But no, she just was really trying to feel like she had some control.

Yeah, sometimes I feel like I might be that way.

You know what?

Sometimes I feel the same exact way.

I think everybody must.

This week was crazy.


We've been sad and messed up, but I think at the end of the day, we're gonna realize that all the mistakes that we made turned out to be very good mistakes for us.

Open, closed?

Surprise me.


People think you can fix anything with a letter.

Like, if you manage to write it down, it's more meaningful than actual words.

There's a permanence to it.


I guess it's worth a shot.

Isn't it funny how you can never remember much about summer?

I mean, we remember that it happened.

That's my jam.

Like, when your hands get sticky from ice cream melting off the cone.

I think I got something!

Swimming with friends.

Nah, I think it's just brush.

Sleeping till 2:00.

Slow down, slow down, slow down.

Borrowing the car.

I'm going like six miles per hour.

Or that feeling you get when you walk back in on the first day of school.


This summer, I totally, completely, and utterly fucked up.

Hey, crazy.

How was your summer?

And that's okay.



♪ Meet me by the water ♪

♪ Underneath the big beehive ♪

♪ Bring your record player ♪

♪ And your Raincoats 45s ♪

♪ We can dance together ♪

♪ As the river rushes by ♪

♪ To wash away the cities ♪

♪ That somebody else designed ♪

♪ Dance with me ♪

♪ Beneath the circuitry ♪

♪ Stay awake until daybreak ♪

♪ Calls us back to our rooms ♪

♪ And morning always comes too soon ♪

♪ Dance with me ♪

♪ Beneath the circuitry ♪

♪ Meet me by the water ♪

♪ Bring your ♪

♪ Bring ♪

♪ Dance with me ♪

♪ Stay ♪

♪ Morning always comes too soon ♪