Summer School (1987) Script


Wondermutt, go get Bob.

Hey, guys! You all got your grade cards, right?

OK.

What have we learned this year?

Teamwork, sportsmanship, how your friends look naked.

You'll notice your grade cards are blank.

Who better to evaluate a student's progress than the student himself?

Good morning, young people.

Vice Principal Gills has some words for you. Mr. Gills.

Thank you, Principal Kelban.

Well, well, I suppose you all remember the English skills test last month.

No. No.

I had English? The dot-to-dot puzzle?

Yeah, that was it, yeah. No, I don't remember.

I'm not surprised. All of you failed.

However, in accordance with policies on minimum academic proficiencies, you'll have the opportunity to retake the exam.

Great. Oh, joy, I have a boner now.

Hi. I'm all packed. Are you ready? One minute to go.

Your parents have been notified you'll be retested after completing the mandatory course in remedial English. In summer school.

What? We just finished a whole semester and we gotta go to summer school?

You're crazy. I ain't going. My grandmother's gonna kill me.

Twenty, 19, 18, 17, 16, 15, fourteen, 13, 12, eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one!

I won! I won!

I won! I won!

Gills, Kelban. I did it, I did it.

Look at this puppy. 50,000 big ones.

Know what this means? No summer school.

Wait, you gave me your word.

That was the old word. My new one is "money".

You would let 50 grand weaken your commitment to education?

Lesser men win millions, go right back to busing tables!

They're frigging morons!

Let me out of here! Let me out of here!

Don't look at me. You're in charge of summer school.

May I speak with you a minute? Sure.

I need you to teach summer school. Dearadorian just quit.

Didn't he teach remedial English? Well, yes... Winnick!

Musway!

Stop! Stop!

Mary!

I have to talk to you.

Kim, get in the car.

It's OK. I'll meet you at the airport. I'll get a cab. Take Wondermutt.

Shoop.

All right.

Mr. Shoop. Oh, Mr. Shoop.

Congratulations. You've been chosen to teach summer school.

Shoot.

If only I'd known sooner.

We're going to Hawaii. May I remind you, Mr. Shoop, you're up for tenure. You want a job next year?

Come on, Mr. Gills. Look, we got leis on and everything.

You'll be teaching remedial English.

Remedial English? Look, I ain't no English teacher.

See? Double negative.

No, I hand out basketballs, check for jockstraps. I'm, like, very challenged.

I'm not a real teacher. That's all right.

These aren't real students. They're unmotivated, irresponsible.

They'll relate to you. I appreciate that.

No, the reason I got into this whole teaching gig was to get summers off.

No, I'm afraid my answer has to be no.

No, thank you?

Bottom line, you need my recommendation for tenure.

This is blackmail.

We call it school spirit.

Kim.

Have you ever seen The Wizard of Oz?

Oh, I love that movie. Yeah. Yeah, me too.

And my favorite part is when Dorothy, she clicks her heels together and she says, "There's no place like home.

"There is no place like home."

Oh, Shoop, I understand.

You do? You're not disappointed?

No. I'll just go by myself.

What, alone? I'll make friends.

Look, Kim, if you love me, even if you just like me a lot, you won't do this.

If I didn't like you, I wouldn't ask you to drive me to the airport, now would I?

Guess not.

You're in room 43.

Files on your students.

A word to the wise, Mr. Shoop:

Right off the bat, you show them who's in charge.

Great.

Who is in charge?

Very cute.

Thanks. So are you.

Oh, you meant...

Jeez, I'm so embarrassed. But you are cute.

I'm all right. I'm Robin Bishop. I teach American history next door.

Hi, Freddy Shoop. Remedial English, right here.

Everybody calls me Shoop.

OK, Shoop.

Why am I here? Oh, thumbtacks. Could I borrow some?

Sure. I was just gonna get my summer bulletin board going here.

Jackpot. Whole box. Here you go, my treat.

But what about your bulletin board? Oh, yeah. Give me one.

Remedial English, huh?

I got it easy, I have honor students. They're here voluntarily.

Believe it? No.

I've seen some of your students.

Very scary. You must be a good teacher.

Shucks, Robin, I don't know.

Heck, inside every so-called bad kid is a good kid waiting for someone to reach down through the sleaze and slime, pick him up and hose him off.

If we fail with even one child, we might be losing the next Ted Koppel.

We're the unsung heroes doing God's work.

You're not wearing a wedding ring.

Yeah, my mother noticed that too.

So you're single. In love? Involved? What's the story here?

The story is that I've been seeing someone.

But we just started dating, so you do what you think's right.

OK. I better get going.

Well, here, I'll walk you.

So you're free to see other people, then?

Are you asking me out?

Well, if I was, would you say yes? I might.

Well, I might be asking you out.

You like Chinese? I hate it.

Me too. I can't stand it.

Wanna go out and not eat Chinese?

I might.

Why don't we talk about that after school.

I'm in love again.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. The crowd goes mild.

Hey, wow. Kevin?

What happened to football, buddy? Yeah.

I was kicked off the team for being stupid.

All right, it's about time.

Congratulations, bud.

Sorry I'm late.

Hey, Mr. Shoop, wow. You in this class too?

I'm teaching it. No way!

Party all the time Party all the time My girl likes to party all the time All right, have a seat. Let's see who the lucky winners are.

Larry Kazimias. Where's Larry?

He's nocturnal.

Oh, OK.

Try and keep it down. Francis Gremp?

Don't ever call me that. The name is Chainsaw.

As in Black & Decker? As in Texas Massacre.

Oh, yeah, that's in here. It's in there.

They got files on us. Pam House.

Says here you lack concentration.

Pam?

Never mind.

Jerome Watkins.

Computer said I failed that test.

The computer made an error.

I recommend this time, I pass.

You're gonna do well, Jerome. I can feel it.

Alan Eakian. Present, sir.

Four brothers, two sisters, all straight-A students.

What are you doing here?

I assume there was some sort of a baby mix-up at the hospital.

Rhonda Altobello. Here.

You went from C's to F's. What happened?

Any other questions?

No.

Denise Green. What's that file say about me?

It's a lie. You wanna know about me, ask me. What you want to know?

Where are my car keys? How would I know?

What, does that thing say I'm a thief too?

All right, where are my car keys?

Chainsaw? Somewhere in this room.

Right now you're very cold.

You're really cold. I want those keys.

Oh, God, you're freezing.

OK. OK, I'm a fun guy. I'll play along.

Getting warmer. You are getting hot, man.

Oh, I see smoke. You are on fire!

Oh, you're walking on the sun! Ouch! Oh, wait.

My mistake, I forgot where I put them. You're ice-cold.

Enough of this shit.

Does that mean we can swear in class?

Shit, yes! Hey, watch your fucking language!

Watch your language, fart-face!

Where are my keys? There's the dick-brain that knows.

If I knew anything, would I be in this butt-hole class?

Suck my loggerhead.

Damn it!

Jizzum-head! Jizzum-head. Yeah, good one.

One of my all-time faves.

Psychology.

You give a child the license to swear, they lose all interest in it.

I certainly did. You're full of bull.

It's OK, you can say "bullshit" in here.

I'm grateful.

I'm sure you're aware that I'm teaching next door.

And this swearing is getting a little loud.

You think you could concentrate on some obscene gestures for a while?

Yes! Yes, that's the idea.

Thank you.

I don't think she likes you.

I want my car keys.

I'm using the lavatory.

This is worse than a gas station. Yeah, I think I have to go too.

Wait a minute. Hey, wait a... My keys.

Thattaboy, Mr. Shoop.

Hey. Hey!

OK, I'm calling roll and then I'm gonna...

Where's my roll sheet?

It's somewhere in this room.

Hey. Sorry about the noise.

I'm really a gym teacher. I don't belong in a classroom.

Apology accepted.

See you later.

Let's start all over. Hi, I'm Freddy Shoop.

Look, you're a semi-charming guy and a snappy dresser.

You're not the kind of guy I date. Yeah? What kind are you dating?

Oh, the kind who wears socks. I got a pair somewhere.

White ones. So about dinner, you like Italian? Mexican? Hey, maybe you'd rather cook.

I'm not having dinner with you.

OK, lunch. Robin.

Excuse me just one second.

Robin, about tonight, the concert starts at 8.

I thought we'd go to the beach and have a picnic.

Watch the sunset. Sounds wonderful.

Oh, bye-bye, Freddy.

I'll be darned. You're a heterosexual.

And a damned good one.

Good luck, honey. Thanks, Mom.

OK, start her up.

Make a right, please.

These photos suck.

Weddings, graduations.

Hoffman came in. Yeah.

It's more of the redhead with the tattoo.

This time he's got her making breakfast stark raving naked.

Oh, Hoffman, you're so sick.

Check out this composition.

Round English muffin, square butter, triangular bush. The man is an artist.

Reprints. Reprints.

Hi, I'd like to sign up for Lamaze classes.

OK, how are Tuesday nights for you and your coach?

Perfect, but I don't have a coach. Well, what about the father?

Well, that's sort of confusing. It's either David Lee Roth, who's on tour, or Sean Penn. And I'd really hate to upset Madonna.

Fill this out.

OK. How far did we get yesterday?

You took roll.

Right. That shouldn't take as long today.

Pam.

Mr. Shoop, I gotta book. What? You just got here.

Yeah.

It's a female thing. Oh, yeah, I understand.

Oh, man, she's going surfing!

I'm sure.

Fuck. This menstruation deal, it's such a scam.

Girls are so lucky.

What? Oh, we're so lucky?

You think being on your period is some picnic? Are you crazy?

You get PMS, there's no room in your purse for no hairbrush because you got these mini pads.

You are so ignorant!

This whole class is jammed with ignorance.

Yes, it is. Come in here, please.

Mr. Shoop, this is our new foreign exchange student, Anna-Maria Mazarelli.

Anna-Maria is from Milan, Italy.

She would like to brush up her English skills before the fall semester begins.

Well, I'll let you return to your rigorous pursuit of academic excellence.

Please.

Anna-Maria, welcome to America. You can sit wherever you want.

You looking for a seat?

Well, now, this desk appears to be unoccupied.

Grazie.

OK, let's see what we got here.

"Rules of grammar."

"Writing paragraphs."

God, I hate this stuff.

"Book reports."

Wanna get out of here? Go to the library?

Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go.

I am Chainsaw.

Hi, Chainsaw.

Hi, I'm Dave. Ciao.

Well, we love Italy. Yeah.

The pizza. Mussolini.

And Tony Bennett. The Mafia.

Yeah. Chef Boyardee.

Pinocchio. Fellatio.

Oh, I don't like that.

Well, have you ever tried it? Sure.

Chef Boyardee, spaghetti in a can. It's so mushy.

Anna-Maria?

Have you seen the movie Texas Chainsaw Massacre?

No. It is good?

Oh, I gotta tell you, I love this film.

It had passion and a plucky spirit.

And the characters had integrity.

Like when Leatherface went on a strict diet of human flesh.

He had to cut out chicken and fish. I agree with you.

I'll go a step further. Leatherface wore a mask made out of human skin, he hung people on meat hooks, but we've all got quirks.

I've got them. You got them.

That's what makes this character so compelling.

Thumbs up from me. Same here.

To sum it up, I'm Chainsaw. I'm Dave.

We'll see you at the movies.

OK. Let's go, people.

I found them at Winchell's.

Here, we all chipped in.

Hey, jelly. I'm touched.

This one was in the parking lot with a surfboard.

This is so humiliating.

Pam.

You know, I grew up surfing those same waves.

Today was phenom.

Three to four, breaking out of the south, glassy, light offshore breeze.

Had to go for the ditch.

Thanks.

You're very spiritual.

But the rest of you clowns...

Hey, I gotta say something. This whole thing is a joke.

There's a very valid reason for summer vacation.

The human brain needs rest.

Yeah. I mean, what are we doing here?

Really. I don't wanna be here. Hey, look, this wasn't my idea.

You guys aren't fired up about English. I wouldn't know what to do if you were.

But we're stuck here. We're trapped like rats.

Anybody got any ideas?

Why don't we take some field trips?

Can we do that? Sure, yeah.

I got permission slips right here.

OK, take these home, have your mom or dad sign them, I'll see what I can do.

Done. Same here.

Good.


The Screwdriver was a disappointment.

I was hoping for a headache or pounding temples, a blackout, but, you know, I feel fine.

Actually, my headache is gone. Thumbs down.

I'm surprised. I found the Screwdriver simply delightful.

Fast corners. That third loop was a surprise.

The line moved fast.

Is he OK?

No, it appears that he's vomiting.

That's a sure sign of a good ride. Thumbs up.

Eakian, what did you eat?


Don't be a pig. No.

Hey! Hey, you slime.

Stones' first farewell tour, '69. Get out of here.

Oh, wait. He ripped my T-shirt.

Oh, I can sew that.

It's not necessary. Go away!

Nothing's necessary. I want to.

Great, I'll let you.

Get them off! Get them off me!

The bunnies from hell!

Oh, God!

Get away from me!

Oh, dear!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much.

What is this? It's a lie.

We did this for you. How did you like it?

It's disgusting!

I love it.

What is that? Oh, it's foam latex.

Keep it.

You guys.

Next field trip, it's gotta be at the beach.

We gotta see Anna-Maria in a bikini. It's very important.

I understand.


Girl, this ain't the Riviera.

Thank you.

That was... That was... That was cruel.

You OK?


Come in, come in, Mrs. Eakian.

Now, how can I help you?

Yesterday Alan came home nauseous, sneezing, wheezing and itching, with goat hairs on his clothes.

He said he was at the museum, but I found this in his pocket. Grandma...

Is going on throw-up rides and rubbing barnyard animals your idea of quality education?

Grandma... Certainly not.

We'll talk to Mr. Shoop about this right now.

I may have used poor judgment.

You actually used judgment.

Do you realize if anything happened to these kids, the lawsuits?

You could've bankrupt the entire district!

And mess up your chance at election to state assembly?

Yes. Don't wet your pants. Watch this.

All you had to do was babysit some social deviants.

Those deviants are great kids.

I'm sure they'll grow up to be wonderful criminals.

They're as smart as you and me. You and I.

All of us.

You're suspended until Kelban returns and fires you.

What?

Hey, this is your fault. You knew I couldn't teach.

Goodbye, Mr. Shoop.

Gills, what if I become a model teacher?

This is gonna be fun. OK.

You get every kid left in your class to pass that skills test and I'll forget about your field trips.

Done.

They all have to pass? It's called teaching.

If you don't know how to do that, then I guess you don't deserve tenure. Do you?

I'll teach.

Morning, class.

Nice tie!

Oh, baby.

Mr. Shoop, what's with the threads, man? You getting married?

No, must be laundry day. Nothing else was clean.

Funeral? Could we come?

Please take your seats.

Where should we take them? Sit down, Francis.

From this moment forth, you people eat English, sleep English.

You are English.

Oh, then pass the crumpets, old boy.

I'm not kidding around.

Anyone not interested in passing that exam can leave right now.

The guy's been pretty cool.

He called me Francis. Hasta luego, Placido Domingo.

Chainsaw, Dave, wait a minute.

Look, Gills is having a cow about our field trips.

Unless you guys all pass that test, my job? Memorex.

Anybody got any ideas here?

Get yourself some want ads.

I don't care what your files say. You are not that dumb.

Actually, Mr. Shoop, those files are usually right on the money.

You all feel that way? I do.

I may as well go home. Mr. Shoop?

Look, we don't want you to lose your job.

Think about what you're asking.

You want us to study? The thought did cross my mind.

Well, what's in it for us? Literacy.

Oh, sorry, that's...

I'd like to help. What can I do? Give me your car.

Your house. And your dog.

See you. Wait, wait! Mr. Shoop, wait!

There's room to negotiate.

What if you granted each one of us one wish?

What do you mean, "wish"?

You know, like a favor.

Does anybody need anything?

I need somebody to work out with, in case I get back on the team.

I could use a Lamaze coach. I need some driving lessons. Bad.

OK, there's two of us. Therefore, we get two.

All right. One, a party, your house, Fourth of July weekend.

In Anna-Maria's honor.

Number two, you arrange a screening, in class, of the greatest movie ever made.

The 1973 Tobe Hooper classic The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

That is also in Anna-Maria's honor. Thank you.

Now, then, is there anything that you desire?

Oh, I don't deserve a wish. I don't take the test anyway.

God, she is so honest. We'll take hers.

Chauffeur service for Dave and I, every day, to and from work.

Pam, what's your wish?

I'll tell Mr. Shoop when the time is right.

Larry?

Larry, what do you want? Bed.

He wants a bed.

As for myself, I just wanna be invited to the party.

We'll see. Good enough.

I think these are fair and reasonable requests.

In return, we'll show up, we'll pay attention and we'll even do a little homework.

Is this contract acceptable to labor? No doubt.

Yeah. Does management agree?

You sure I'm management? For our purposes here, yes.

Do we have a binding agreement?

We got something.

All right. Well, we put that baby to bed.

Let's do lunch. I always wanted to say that.

Well, go ahead. Teach. Right.

Teach.

Don't anybody move.

The Non-Proliferation Treaty. Beagman?

Excuse me, Miss Bishop. Mr. Shoop.

Shouldn't you be planning a field trip to 7-Eleven?

I need your help. I know how you feel about me, but something really bizarre has happened to my kids.

Please. All right.

If I get next door and there's a candlelight dinner, I'm calling security.

Continue. The 1970 Seabed Treaty.

Do you own that suit?

What did you do, pass out Valiums? This is a natural lull.

Interesting phenomenon. What do you want from me?

How do you teach?

If you're serious, I'll help you. Great.

Meet me after school. We'll make plans for the weekend.

For the weekend?

Big guy. OK.

The easiest thing to do is base your lesson plans on the students' own experiences.

I can do that. Your life is probably very similar.

Hardly. I'm telling you, you gotta try these Pop-Tarts.

No, thanks.

I'm sticking with the Chocodiles.

The best teachers are the teachers who entertain while they teach.

So you should do just fine. You think I'm entertaining?

To children.

I gotta go. Time's up. I know why you're helping me.

Professional courtesy. No. You like me.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yeah, you do.

Do not. Do too.

Don't either. Come on.

Don't you like me just a little bit? No.

Not even that much?

I like you that much.

It's a start.

Now, someone tell me why learning how to write is so critical.

It's a form of communication. Amen. And it can get you free stuff.

Free? Free. I'm writing the word...

...free. Here's how it works. All of us have been ripped off, right?

Pay phone steals money, not enough cheese on your pizza.

My shades keep falling apart. Perfect.

You're gonna write that company.

You'll see action, if your letter is clearly written and threatens to hurt their business.

And is signed, forgive me, Chainsaw, "Mr. Francis Gremp, president, Consumer Against Faulty Eyewear."

You want me to lie? OK.

Anyone interested in learning the correct form, please turn to page 46 in your textbook.

The shit works.

Damn!

Stupid son of a...

I'm not cut out to be a linebacker. No, you're looking at my shoulders.

Don't. Focus on my waist. OK? My waist.

All right, try it again. Go on.

That's good. Remember, I'm your teacher.

You wanna learn how to surf?

You sure you wanna do this? Absolutely.

Lamaze class, great place to meet girls.

OK, Denise, slide over.

Oh, no, no, no.

Is this some kind of sick, twisted joke?

No, I'm combining Denise's driving lesson with your ride to the beach.

We took driver training with Denise. Call us a cab.

Get your grisly butts in the car.

Man, let me drive. I'm going for my license next week.

Chainsaw, you've been drinking. No, it's cough medicine.

Check out this phlegm.

Save the phlegm. You're not driving anywhere.

I'll tell you something. You know why so many drunk drivers get in wrecks?

They don't learn to drive drunk. Fact: Alcohol kills brain cells.

You lose one more, you're a talking monkey. Come on, get in.

Come on.

OK, Denise, start her up.

Signal left. Pull on out.

Can I call my folks and say I won't be home... ever?

I'm not used to this car.

I think it's safe.

Move it out.

Nice and smooth. Oh, yeah, that's...

Fine. Good.

Why did you do that? A car was coming.

Well, it'll happen from time to time.

Come on, Denise, he won't bother us.

We just got lapped by an old lady with a walker.

See that space between those cars? Yeah.

Pull in. Parallel park? That's my weak spot.

Listen to her.

OK.

I'm sober now. That's good for today.

We live! We live!

It's beautiful.

Enough safe and sane. It's time for dumb and dangerous.

These are Mexican. You do not know what's in these babies.

Hey, get me a brew.

Coming through.

Anna-Maria, as far as we know, this has never, ever been attempted.

Anna-Maria, we dedicate these cantaloupe to you.

You make fruit bombs for me? Oh, how sweet.

Melon balls, coming up! We're gonna make these babies fly!

Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.

You're awake. I wanna talk.

Not now, babe, I'm late. Late for what?

What's it like being pregnant?

Bizarre. Yeah, that's what I thought.

My body is out of control and it's big and ugly.

I think you look great. Sure, in the dark.

How much longer?

About five weeks.

It's gonna be amazing. Yeah, I know.

You'll be a mother.

Yeah.

Eakian, this party's getting weak.

Do something wild. Take all your clothes off.

Why? You want everyone to go home?

You're almost fun tonight.

Almost.

You all right? Yeah. Come on in.

I'm just resting up. Too much fun.

It's all sewn.

Hey, thanks. That's great.

I feel so at home here. Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

The grunion are running tonight.

In the dead of night, under a full moon, thousands of horny little fish swim hundreds of miles to ball their brains out in the sand.

It's so romantic.

You ever do that with one of your students?

No. I swim hundreds of miles, I'm ready for a nap.

Who's that?

Oh, it's Kim. She's sort of my girlfriend.

"Sort of"? Well, she's in Hawaii.

So you're all alone and you like young girls.

Kim's not that young. She's 21.

I'm 16. And you should consider that.

Because there's, like, no difference between 21 and 16 now, but when she's 66, I'll only be 61.

And I'll be 75 and it won't matter anyway.

Yeah.

Come on, Pam. Time for more fun.

Wondermutt!

Out of my way!

Watch your ass, folks! Banzai!

Oh, shit. Fire!

Do something!

Jesus Christ, my couch is on fire! Come on, Dave.

What? What? What?

All right, we took care of it. My fish!

How many were there? One.

Poor fishy.

Get rid of that couch. That is a definite fire hazard.

Definitely. Party's over.

It was just getting good. We got a fire...

Good night!

One little fire.

Big deal.

Minors drinking on the beach. Seriously, we never do this.

Boy, never, ever. There's our English teacher, let's ask him.

Mr. Shoop, sir, could you come here just a moment, please?

Hey, guys. Hi.

What's up? Found these boys with alcohol.

That alcohol, officer? Oh, that's not theirs.

Whose is it?

It's mine. See, I live in that house right there and they were just watching my stuff.

That's right. It's his.

We should never have taken those little baby sips. That was wrong.

God, so very, very wrong.

I think they learned one hell of a lesson, officer.

Next time you boys encounter alcohol, remember you're underage.

Yes, sir, we will. Yeah, of course, thank...

Thank you.

Well, we're off to do our homework. Yeah. Thank you. Bye.

We shouldn't have tried this. It was a mistake.

That was bad. We should've just said no.

You guys are good men. Thank you.

Thank you.

You're under arrest for contributing to the delinquency of a minor.

Officer, that's not really my vodka. Is that your dog?

Yeah. No dogs on the beach, $50 fine.

He's not really my dog. He just thinks he's my dog.

No, he's a neighborhood dog.

He hangs out at my place because there's garbage there.

He's a scavenger. He'll eat anything. He's a beach dog, really.

Go away, beach dog.

Do you have a cell for beginners?

Boogie boy. Bunk in here.

Moondoggie. Yeah.

Who wants gum?

Leave your message after the beep.

Robin, it's your pal, Shoop.

I can't leave my number because I'm downtown in jail.

Jail? What, you're surprised?

I got arrested in my swim trunks, so I need 50 bucks and a pair of shoes.

Listen, please don't mention this to that bite in the ass Gills.

You're an angel. Dinner, dancing, Paris...

Hello, Mr. Shoop.

Who is this? The bite in the ass.

When I say "bite in the ass", I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Can I talk to Robin?

I'm afraid Robin and I are on our way out of town.

But don't worry, we'll be right over.

He's still a human being, Phillip.

We have a very long drive. If we go downtown now, we'll be stuck in traffic. And that's OK with me, because we'll be helping Shoop and you won't think I'm a shit. Right?

Am I in really big trouble?

Arrested for contributing to the delinquency of minors?

You're not a hero.

What is this?

I made a new friend.

Mr. Shoop, I do hope we can get you out of this ugly mess. And it is ugly.

Mr. Shoop's been making a lot of progress in his class, Phillip.

It's true. I've been handing out assignments and the kids turn them in.

It's almost like school in there. I've heard. And I'm proud.

Confirms all my instincts about him. He's my boy.

Robin, let's get out of here.

We're on our way to wine country.

You kids have fun.

See those waves, Wondermutt?

They're from Hawaii.

Kim's in Hawaii.

Robin's in the wine country.

You know what we need? I mean, besides bread.

We need a woman who will appreciate what we have to offer.

A woman of culture...

...intellect.

Shake those buns, baby!

Bring those buns over here. Mama's got some software for you, baby.

Excuse me. I'm with Playgirl magazine.

Survey me later, I'm trying to concentrate. Come on, baby.

Thanks for your time.

Shoot them buns over here.

Hey!

Hey, cowboy! Don't I know you?

Hey, back off, hair-bag, this is ladies' night.

I love him, I love him, I love him.

Larry!

Mr. Shoop. What are you doing here?

What am I doing here? You do this every night?

Well, we have Mondays off.

Listen, man, you can't tell anybody, OK? They think I'm 21.

You were fabulous. This is from both of us.

I'm in the wrong business. But about school, if you could sneak in a couple hours' sleep, you'd catch up.

Mr. Shoop, man, think about what you're saying.

I mean, if you could be 17 again, only you knew then what you know now.

Yeah. Well, I know.

I hate that kid.

"Who we admire most in the world and why.

"The person we admire most in the world is makeup artist

"and creature creator Rick Baker."

"His wonderfully gruesome slime bladders and slobber tubes

"in American Werewolf in London won him a richly deserved Oscar.

"That is why we admire makeup artist and creature creator Rick Baker

"very, very, very, very, very, very..."

"Very, very, very, very, very..."

"Very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very..."

"Very, very, very, very, very much."

It's 100 words on the nose. You can count if you want.

"It is not easy to pick the person I admire most.

"I admire people for different reasons.

"The way they surf or teach English from the heart or help the homeless.

"To pick one person is so unfair to everyone else.

"Isn't there enough pain in the world?"

Since there's no one I admire most, this is about a person I admire least, my ex-boyfriend, Andre.

If he tells you he broke up with me, he's lying, because I told him to get out of my face first.

You know how I could tell when he's lying? His lips move.

I'm serious. He's so in love with himself, he ought to be dating a mirror.

He's in skin-tight leather pants, thinking he's Rick James' little brother. Give the world a break.

Denise, can I have your paper? No.

No? Well, I had to memorize my essay due to the fact I was mugged by a gang looking for money and homework.

That happens.

OK, gang, mark your calendars. Field trip next Monday.

Where are we going, cockfights?

Courthouse.

Your teacher was arrested for giving vodka to some kids.

You and Dave won't want to miss it.

You went to jail for us? On roller skates.

Thanks, man.

Pam?

Hi.

What are you doing here?

Remember I said I'd tell you my wish when the time was right? It's right.

Your wish is to move in with me? I'm a great cook.

I won't get in your way.

You know we connect.

Pam, look, my place is very small. It's perfect.

Look, Tommy, that's my brother, he had another kid and Angela, she's his wife, wants to move the twins back into Gail's room and put Sally in the den, so I lose the couch.

Yeah, well, my couch is barbecued. The floor is fine.

Mr. Shoop, everybody else got their wish.

OK, Pam.

If I let you stay here, it's only temporary until you find another place, OK?

I can stay.

Who are you talking to?

This is Tommy and Angela and Gail and Sally and Sly and the twins, Chuck and Bob, and Tommy, Jr.

This is Mr. Shoop.

How are you? Pleased to meet you.

She screams so well.

Oh, don't be a wuss.

Shut up!

Run, run.

Larry! Larry, wake up, you're missing this.

Larry's not missing a thing. Let him sleep.

There he is. Leatherface, Leatherface.

Oh, no.

That's not a real person. It's a stuntman.

OK, now, this... This right here isn't gonna bother him, because he's insane, OK?

Good Lord.

What are you watching? Do the dance.

A new film from the district, Safe Use of Power Tools.

Delivery. I don't want to know what this is, do I?

No, probably not.

Come on.

What a finish, ladies and gentlemen. It was great.

What did you think of that?

God, it was really American. American, yes.

It's an American masterpiece.

Talk about gutsy endings. The girl gets away and our hero, Leatherface, chainsaws his legs.

Two thumbs up. Make that four for gore.

Listen up, I wanna read you something:

"Dear Mr. Francis Gremp, thank you for informing us

"of your problem with our Cool Dude sunglasses."

It worked.

"Please accept these Cool Dudes with our compliments."

All right, it's Christmastime. Free glasses.

Are these free? Yes.

"We know you'll find them well-constructed

"and we hope your organization will see no need to boycott.

"Sincerely, Wayne Appleton, president, Cool Dude, Inc."

All right, the power of the pen. Hey, thanks, Chainsaw.

Hey, Eakian. Eakian. Man, you think you can help me with my letter, make it sound official?

Sure, Denise.

You wanna give it to me?

OK, tonight, for homework, write a review of Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Rhonda?

If you're not doing anything tomorrow, I thought we could do something.

Oh, I have Lamaze class tomorrow night.

Do you wanna go with me? What about Mr. Shoop?

Oh, he won't care. I mean, if you don't mind being my coach.

I wouldn't mind at all. Great.

Great.

See you, Eak.

Mr. Shoop...

...you should see this, but you can't let Denise know I showed you. OK?

OK.

Shoop, this girl's dyslexic.

What? That's not in her file.

This is serious. You gotta get her some help.

How could she get this far with no one finding out?

She slipped through the system.

What happens when she gets out in the real world?

Wait! Is this the same guy that took his English class to the petting zoo?

How'd you get those kids to work? Bribed them.

What would it take to have dinner with you?

That would be very expensive.

I'm having dinner with Gills. Big Phil again, huh?

Robin, be honest, isn't he a bite in the ass?

No, he's not a bite in the ass. He happens to be very...

...articulate... cultured...

...extraordinarily tidy.

Tall, dark and tidy. That's a magic combination.

You're not in love. None of your business.

Sure, it is. No.

Tell me you love him, I'll stop asking you out.

How am I gonna tell you I love him when it's so new?

I knew it. See, Robin, he is not the guy for you.

You need an intelligent, sensitive man who can skate.

Do you know such a guy? Oh, they're hard to find.

But now that I know, I'll keep my eye out.

Would you?

Looking good, Denise. Good luck.

Sir, you are really gonna earn your money today.

Francis Gremp? Call me Chainsaw.

You're up next. Can you hold on a sec?

Dad's late. He's so irresponsible.

I said, "Dad, 3:00 sharp." But no, it's just in one ear, out the other.

I need your car.

You wanna use my car? I'm under adult supervision.

Chainsaw, you take your test and you bring my car right back here to me.

You make me proud to be an American. Dave, kiss this man.

You, come with me. No, no, you stay there. I'll bring the car to you.

Can you back this up? I'm taking a test. Just move all the way back.

What? What'd I do? Don't worry about me.

See those cars on the right? Go ahead and park in between.

What do you mean? You mean parallel park?

Something wrong? No, nothing.

Yeah.

We going on the freeway?

I think we'll just stay in the neighborhood.

Why are you driving with only one hand?

Oh, this hand's gotta be free to put around the babes.

Are you marking me off for that? Watch the dip!

That dip?

Hey, you crazy?

Don't you ever, ever yell at the driver! Do you hear me?

Where are you going? Back. The test is over.

No way!

That was your fault.

This is bullshit. Come on.

I stayed sober for this. You can't do this.

Come back, you dumb dildo. Wait, no, you're not a dildo.

I was joking. That was a joke. Come on, be cool. One more chance?

Wait.

You lost points for driving too slow and not accepting the right of way.

Failed again. 70 is passing.

Seventy-two.

I passed? You passed.

I passed! Oh, I passed! I passed!

Shoop, I passed!

I passed!

I passed! God, I passed! Thanks! I'm proud of you. Congratulations.

I couldn't have done it without you. Now, you drove the car.

Look, I owe you one, all right? Yeah?

Yeah.

OK. Tell you something you can do for me.

What? Get help with reading.

Man. Listen, Denise.

What you have is a learning disorder called dyslexia.

You need to retrain your brain to deal with information.

There's a specialist. I'm doing fine.

Yeah, you are. But you could be doing so much better.

But that's up to you.

Hey.

Think about it, OK? OK, free film.

Free developing. Come on, what more could you want?

Here.

Look, my dad's a butcher. You like veal cutlets from Minnesota? Milk-fed.

Hi, honey, how was your day?

Hectic.

Boy, something smells good. The manicotti.

Perfect timing. Why don't you start on the cheese and crackers.

Yeah. It's open.

Hi. Hey.

I just brought this Ray Bradbury book.

Maybe I should come back later. Why?

Hi, Miss Bishop. Hi.

Oh, Robin, Pam House, one of my students.

Pam, Robin Bishop.

Hi. Hi, Pam.

Freddy, I didn't make enough for three. If you plan on inviting company, I wish you'd let me know. No, he wasn't.

I stopped by to help him with a lesson.

But we can do that in the morning. Morning's much better.

I'll make French toast for us. Do you like French toast?

I bet she makes great French toast.

I actually meant morning at school. Oh, fine.

It was nice to meet you, Pam. You too.

Robin?

I know this is none of my business, but what the hell is going on in there?

There's nothing going on in there. Remember those bribes?

Well, Pam needed a place to stay. How long has she been here?

A couple of days.

My laundry's never smelled so good. Here, take a whiff.

Oh, I'm sure it's April fresh.

I just hope having a maid is worth the damage you could do to that young girl.

See you tomorrow.

All ready. Great.

French or Italian? French.

I knew it.

Pam, we gotta talk. Sure. What's up?

I think you are a great girl. And I think you're a great guy.

God, this is hard.

Freddy, go ahead. You can tell me anything.

OK. You know how, when you're on your board, and you see the perfect wave rolling in and you think you got it?

Only, something happens and you don't get it.

I mean, the key to the whole thing is timing.

If you're even a little out of sync, you're grim, you're blowing the barrel, you're seaweed.

But then you look outside and you see an even more perfect wave than the first perfect wave and that's the one you catch.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

Surfing metaphors. You're the perfect wave and I'm seaweed and if you want me out, just say it. No, no, I'm not the perfect wave.

And it's not just that I want you out of my house.

No, you want me out of your life.

Pam, look, I'm your teacher. No.

Any time one person lets themself care deeply about another person, that person runs the risk of being rejected and destroyed.

I'll go get my things. No, wait. You cooked dinner.

It looks beautiful. Let's sit down, eat.

It's just food.

OK. I'm gonna collect your book reports.

Then we are on our way to court.

Homework, Pam?

You expect me to relate to the written word after the hell you put me through?

Talk about shallow. I've stepped in deeper puddles.

You're excused.

Mr. Shoop, don't you want mine?

Larry, you're awake, with homework. What's wrong with you?

I got fired. They found out my real age.

Hey, I didn't say a word. No, my mom came to a show.

Your mother? It was a nightmare.

I mean, before she knew who I was, she put 5 bucks in my G-string.

And then my Aunt Edna, she kisses me.

With tongue. And rips off my mask.

Mom freaked out.

She made me put on her coat.

I'm sorry. You're sorry?

I'm at my sexual peak.

Once a guy hits 18, it's all downhill.

But it's a lovely ride.

Mr. Shoop, why did you tell the arresting officers that the vodka found in the possession of Mr. Gremp and Mr. Frazier belonged to you?

Your Honor, to keep a couple of students out of trouble.

David and Francis have enough problems as it is.

It's true, Your Honor. Our lives are a mess.

Guys, don't help.

Where did you young men obtain the vodka in question?

From Murray. Who's Murray?

You know Murray. Everybody knows Murray.

From Murray's Liquor.

Didn't this Murray ask to see proof of age?

Well, I come off pretty mature.

Did you show him proof of age? Yeah, I guess I did.

May I see it, please?

I'd rather you didn't. I'd rather I did.

You were a black Marine in 1968?

Vietnam.

A war puts a man through many, many changes.

Young man, the possession of false identification and of alcohol by a minor are serious crimes. You've just confessed to both of them.

I didn't mean to. However, since the arresting officers let you off with a warning, I'll probably do the same.

Is this guy bitchen or what? Now, Mr. Shoop...

Your Honor?

My name is Robin Elizabeth Bishop and I'm also on the faculty with the defendant.

I submit that this man went to jail for his students.

Very few teachers ever exhibit that degree of dedication.

Therefore, Your Honor, I move that...

Don't move, Miss Bishop. You're out of order.

And you're also correct. Mr. Shoop, these charges will be dropped.

Case dismissed. All right!

All right! That's so...

Shoop! Let me tell you something.

The judge bought that dedicated teacher crap, but you covered up, thus condoning student drinking.

I am filing a report for Kelban with the entire story. Face it.

The test scores won't save you, because they're losers, just like you!

Hi.

I was just congratulating our good friend Mr. Shoop.

Now, about lunch, sweetheart. Tell you what, sweetheart, why don't you go ahead, order two lunches and eat them yourself.

One for each face.

OK. Today we take a practice test. Pinpoint each of your weak spots.

Then we work a couple hours after school.

Wait, wait. Practice tests, extra class time?

Not in the contract. Eakian, get him.

The test is in two weeks. You need the extra work.

Then I'm afraid we're gonna need some extra incentive.

Yeah. Like a party with a band. I could use some wheels bad.

And get me a job, man, doing strip-o-grams.

I don't believe this greed. Believe it, man. I need a houseboy.

It's a simple matter of renegotiating our contracts.

Renegotiate? Who do you think you are, Teamsters?

Yeah, Teamsters! Strike! Strike! Strike! Strike!

Look! For the past four weeks, I have given up all of my free time.

Had my body used for a tackling dummy, my house trashed, my couch set on fire, my goldfish murdered, my butt thrown in jail and my car wrecked.

All I'm asking for is a little extra effort.

You know, what's sad is you guys could all pass that test.

But you're just so happy being failures that you just don't know...

Why am I doing this?

Tell you what.

You guys drop out and be illiterate.

I'm going to Hawaii and be tan.

Have a cow.

Damn.

Hey. Thanks for the help.

Good luck.

Where are you going? To quit.

You can't quit. Sure, I can.

I never got through to anybody. Not true. They were learning.

You're not a quitter. I am.

I turned you down for dinner at least a dozen times and you haven't quit bugging me. Wanna go out to dinner tonight?

Can't. See?

Everybody take a seat. You, in the cot, out of bed.

Where's Mr. Shoop? He has tendered his resignation.

Now, sit down.

Would someone tell me what Mr. Shoop had planned for today?

Yes? Group sex. No, that's tomorrow.

Today's independent study, right after our midmorning nap.

Don't think you can pull this BS with me.

Everybody take their textbooks out and turn to chapter seven.

Read it again.

Who's making that noise?

What noise? I don't hear any noise. What, you got dog ears?

Chainsaw, stop doing that. Stop doing what?

You know, I hear it too and it's annoying.

Find the hooligan that's responsible, because I am trying to read chapter seven. Again.

Mr. Gills, I cannot study. I'm going to the library.

Chainsaw, sit down.

You can hum till your lips fall off, I could care less.

Wait a minute. You're not dismissed.

Now, I promise you, you people act like psychopaths tomorrow and you will be sorry. We will be sorry?

Mr. Gills sure does know his child psychology.

Miss Cura, I want to let you know that the children are a little hyperactive, but I'm sure that you'll enjoy their joie de vivre.

So far, I've only subbed at grammar schools, so this should be a nice change.

Help, Mr. Gills!

Denise! Denise! Take it easy! What happened?

Don't go in there without a gun. It's terrible.

Is this my classroom? Yes, it is.

Whose blood is that? Is that your blood?

No.

My God.


We're back!

What is wrong with you people?

It's like you said, Gills! We're psychopaths!

Somebody better call the school nurse!

I am not amused! Turn off those motors!

Everybody get up. Now!

I'm not ready for high school.

Why'd she leave? Didn't she like us? Where's her sense of humor?

I have seen some sick things before.

But this... This is...

Devilishly clever. Vomitous!

Thank you. We take a lot of pride in our work.

Look, we want Shoop back.

Why would Shoop come back? So Kelban can fire him?

He might surprise you.

We did today. And we've got more for tomorrow.

Do we have a deal?

Wondermutt, I do not want to play. Not now. I'm busy.


Tough day? We've been torturing Gills.

Yeah. He said you could have your job back.

Now, why would I want my job back? Hey, my life is sailing.

I got a radio, blanket, beach chair, dark glasses, dog.

Why would I wanna go back?

How about we can't pass that test without you?

Me and Chainsaw, we been sober for two days, four hours and 15 minutes.

No kidding? Swear to God. Reality is so unreal.

But a nice change. Truly. Thumbs up.

I think you should know that you were a phase.

I've outgrown you.

But I do wanna be friends, if you can handle it.

And Shoop...

...I'm seeing that reading specialist this afternoon.

Look. We'll study in school, after school, whatever it takes.

But we need a teacher. What do you say, Mr. Shoop?

Please?

How can I say no to these cute little faces?


Your practice test scores were great. Hey, come on, you been here 12 hours. I want you to go home, forget about this test, get a good night's sleep.

I'll see you tomorrow, 8 AM, the lecture hall.

Hey, trust me. Come on, you're gonna kick ass and take names. Believe it.

Are we really that ready? Ready? What time's the test?

Eight AM. See, the correct answers do not stop.

Now, go on, get out of here, all of you, before the college recruiters show up and try to drag you all off to Harvard.

Hey, I mean it.

Wondermutt, look. I found Bob.

Go get it.


Yeah!

Morning, Mom. Morning, sweetheart.

Morning, Dad.

How do you want your eggs, honey? Fried, scrambled?

I don't know.

What are eggs? I'll surprise you.

How do you spell "cat"?

I don't know! Honey, what's wrong?

I don't know what's wrong. Every... Everything's blank.

I don't know anything. I don't know anything!

I don't know anything!

Chainsaw! Chainsaw! Chainsaw!

Are you all right?

I had a nightmare. About what?

I don't know.

Great day for a test, huh? Yeah.

Hey, Shoop.

An apple. For the teacher.

Give them hell.

Hey, we're testing in here. I know, I'm in your class.

I remember you. Where you been?

Bathroom.

Six weeks? My zipper got stuck.

"Do not open the test booklets until you are told to do so.

"Using a number two pencil, take your answer sheet and fill in your name.

"Last name first, first name second, middle initial last on the first line.

"Do this now."

This officer is here to see that there is no cheating.

This officer is here to see that there is no cheating.

Festival of screwups and their king.

Mr. Gills extends his warmest personal regards and best wishes.

Hey, thanks for caring, man.

OK. Break the seals on your test booklets now.

And turn to the section titled Reading Vocabulary.

"You will have 20 minutes to complete this section."

Everybody ready?

No!

Tension breaker, had to be done.

Anybody else?

Good luck, gang.

Ready.

Begin.

Sorry.


Kevin.

It's starting.

Now?

Shit.

How far apart?

Twelve minutes.

Try and slow it down.

Forget about the...

Thirty seconds left. Come on, come on.

C, C, C, C, C, C, C, C, C.

And... Wait 20 more seconds.

Twenty seconds. ...stop. Pencils down.

C, C, C.

Drop them!

Stay seated until Anna-Maria picks up your tests.

Miss Mazarelli, may I have those tests after you collect them, please?

Yeah. Can Rhonda and I be excused?

She's having a baby.

She's having a baby? Oh, I wanna see this.

Calm down! Everybody just stay in your seats. No problem here at all.

Rhonda, why didn't you say something?

I wanted to finish my test. You need hot water, a ride?

All we need is a hospital. What can I do?

Get out of my way. I can do that.

Carmine, get out of her way! Get the door.

Save the umbilical cord. And the afterbirth, if convenient.

Good thinking.

Oh, easy, easy, this way. Watch out.

You look terrific. Well, I'm feeling pretty good.

That's great.

The baby is healthy and happy.

And my coach was incredible.

Yeah, well, I couldn't have done it without you.

No cord, huh?

When do we get to see the whippersnapper?

Rhonda, don't let those two near the baby, please.

Well, it won't be a problem.

I'm giving her up for adoption.

She's going to a really good home. That's nice.

I'm not ready to be a mom.

Mr. Shoop. Ciao.

Ciao, gang. How's it going?

All right. OK.

Bad news?

Gills says he's mailing you your scores.

We failed. He just said the average grade was below passing. So we failed.

Hey, you didn't fail.

I failed.

Field trips to the beach, a bed in your classroom, drinking at the beach, a screening of Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1.

Quite a summer, Mr. Shoop. I tried to keep it interesting.

I have his dismissal ready for your signature, sir.

Before I sign anything, I understand there are some people waiting to speak in Mr. Shoop's behalf.

Really? Come in.

Mr. Kelban, you're not actually going to listen to these delinquents?

No. I'm gonna listen to their parents.

I'm Principal Kelban.

Is there a spokesperson here? I guess I am. I'm Howard Gremp.

You're Chainsaw's father.

Interesting boy. No, you can say it. He's a lunatic.

Dad.

You know, six weeks ago, I thought he had the IQ of a salad bar.

His only interest in life was to make people sick.

If my mother came to dinner, he would give the dog a third eye or an extra leg.

Because of him, we stopped having kids.

I mean, you can imagine the feeling when I saw him studying.

The wife and I almost burst into tears.

David was doing his homework too. It makes sense, they share the same brain.

Not only did Mr. Shoop get my daughter to read, he taught her to drive.

He showed Kevin there's more to life than just football.

I'm not sure I agree, but it's possible. This man should not be teaching.

Proof is here in these test results. Look for yourself, Mr. Shoop.

Passing is 70. Average score here was 63.

They failed. That is not true, Mr. Gills.

We passed? No, not all of you.

But that's not what's important here.

Larry.

Went from an 18 to a 51!

If I'd only seen you strip a week sooner. You!

Mom, my hair. Rhonda.

From a 29 to a 43 and she gave birth.

Isn't childbirth grounds for a makeup test?

It always has been.

This woman thing never fails.

Eakian. A 51 to a 74.

I passed! I am an Eakian, Grams.

All right, Eaker. Denise.

No previous test score because you ditched every test, but a 38.

Honey, that's terrific. We'll get them next time.

Kevin. Yeah?

From a 48 to a 75!

Yeah! I'm back on the team!

Yeah! Kill! Yeah! Kill!

Chainsaw. Last score was a 6. This time, 59. Monster comeback.

All right. And Dave.

From a 26 to a 70.

I passed!

You made it! You passed?

You passed and I failed, asshole! How could you do that to me?

It was an accident. I'll take it again. I can fail, I know it.

And Pam went from a 53 to an 82.

Was that the highest? Well, almost.

I mean, that guy who spent six weeks in the bathroom got a 91.

But look, there's more going on here than test scores and grades.

You all worked hard and you improved.

And that's very nice, Mr. Shoop.

We are here to discuss his flagrant violation of school policies.

Hold it, Gills.

According to my numbers, the average scores here increased from 28 to 63.

That's 125 percent improvement. Now, that's teaching.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Mr. Shoop, I'm granting you tenure.

He's back, ladies and gentlemen!

This is the last time I ask. I promise.

Will you have dinner with me?

I'll think about it.

Can I use some of that lip stuff?

Does this mean we can have dinner tonight?

I didn't say that.

We'll just talk about it over breakfast.