Super Troopers 2 (2018) Script

Do you know how fast you were going?

No, I don't, Officer.

Turn that radio off, please.

That's not the radio. That's the band practicing.

Is that marijuana?

You got a party bowl up there?

Mm, nah.

It's okay, it's okay. Is it good?


Yeah. Open it up! I'm fucking boarding you!

5-0! 5-0 coming on board.

Officer, you can't just waltz on in here!

Do you know who these guys are?

Unplug this shit right now.

No way.

No fucking way.

Holy shit!

You guys are the highway cops that got shut down and became local cops.

Then due to some kinda crazy "incident"... you got kicked off of that force, so you started playing music.

And before you knew it, you won America's Got Talent.

You're Cracklin' Bacon!

What a long, strange trip it's been.

I love you guys!

Oh, I gotta tell my partner.

He's not gonna believe this! Okay, hold on.

Dude, you gotta get over here right now. - Copy.

He's gonna shit his pants.

You know what would be hilarious?

When he comes on the bus, kick him in the nuts as hard as you can.

Really? Just drill the guy!

What the hell is going on in here?

Oh, my God! You're Cracklin' Bacon!

You guys are my favorite band, like, ever!

What? You didn't even know who Cracklin' Bacon was... until I played them for you.

Yeah, I did!

Oh, really? What's your favorite song?

"Pulled Pork."

Yeah? How does it go then? Uh...

This guy's got some pipes!

Hey, how would you like to join Cracklin' Bacon?

We're looking for a new lead singer.

Holy shit!

Yeah, oh, I can do it better than him.

Not bad.

You guys clearly have the sound.

But do you have the moves? Hit it.


Pelvic thrusts.

Shake your tail feathers.

Shake that ass.

Now kiss each other.

I'm sorry. Come again?

Come on, rock and roll! Rock and roll, baby!

Do it! Kiss him!

Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him! Kiss him!

I knew you were fucking with us.

You're fucking with us, man!

All right, all right. You guys clearly have what it takes for rock and roll.

But there's one more test you gotta pass before we let you join Cracklin' Bacon.

We wanna know if you can keep up with Juicy Lucy.

She looks pretty juicy to me.

Oh, no, she's in the back, okay?

But I warn you, she can be quite a handful.

Let's go handle that!

Juicy Lucy! Juicy Lucy! Juicy Lucy!

About to get juicy up in here!

Hey, baby.

Hello, Juicy Lucy.

Oh, that's not Lucy. Lucy's better.

Oh, man!

Fellas, on the other side of this door is everlasting fame and glory.

You get the giney, I'll get the hiney.

Say hello to Lucy!

Move it or lose it! It's time to cruise it!

Let's do it!


Son-of-a-bitch! Crap damnit!

We sang our hearts off for those guys. Our hearts!

We got company.

Can't outrun the law, motherfucker!

Fuck you, Cracklin' Bacon!


Oh, shit!


Eat it. Eat it. Eat it. Eat it.


Suck these fucking bullets, bitch!

Oh, shit! Mac. Hey, stay with me. Stay with me.

We almost got those stupid cops... kiss. Shit.

What's that?

What the...




I still love those guys.

Yeah, they're cool as hell.

I mean, look at him.

Still cool.

We should probably hide that body, though.


Hey, great driving, Thorn!

Thorny? Thorny?

Oh, my God! He's dead!

Oh, no! Ha-ha!

Aha! I got you, motherfucker!

I'm not dead! I'm alive! He's alive!

Look out!



You sleeping, baby boy?

No, I'm just checking out the ceiling, Farva.

Good work up there.

All right, pull out your caulk and let's go.


Let's go! I'm standing here with my caulk in my hand.

Grab your caulk, let's put it in the holes!

Come on, let me see that big caulk.

Oh, shut up.

Show me your Rabbit caulk!

You know what's funny, Farva?

You've made that joke 400 times and it still sucks.

Fuck you, Mac.

You don't talk to your site supervisor like that.

That's one demerit on your permanent record.

On my permanent construction record?

That's right. You want another one, keep it up.

Yeah, give me another and I'll pinch your dick.

That's two. You want to go for three? Okay.

Bingo! You got it! You want another one?

Pretty, pretty please. You got it!

You want another one? I'll take them all!

That's seven! You want another one?!

Give me ten!


Mac! Stop.

You mess with the bull, you get covered in bullshit.

What a tool. Yeah.

I had the craziest dream.

Who were the cops this time?

Stifler and Damon Wayans Jr.

Did they almost kiss?

Yeah. Yeah. Almost got them to.

Uh, hello.

Morning, Mac! Good morning, Uncle Argyle.

Code names? Is Farva nearby?

Oh, yeah. Spitting distance.

Do me a favor, spackle his mouth shut.

Okay, will do.

So, change of location for this weekend's fishing trip.

Just over the Canadian border.

Oh, sweet! I love Canada.

Good one! I'll mail you the address.

What, like with a stamp? Just text me. Text?

Oh, you mean like, uh, mail text? Yeah.

I do believe I have that facility on this phone.

Okay, will do.

That's it. I'm teaching you how to text this weekend.

No personal calls, Mac. What the fuck?

Whoop. Oh, God damn it, Farva.

I told you no personal calls. It was a sales call.

Oh, yeah? What were they selling?

Ooh, was it canned salmon? I love canned salmon.

It's better than tuna, you know. It's a salty fish.

I like a salty fish.

Like a grouper or maybe a branzino.

Something that really jerks off your blood pressure.

You know what's salty? Turtle. You ever had turtle before?

Saltiest part? The shell.

What do I have to say to get you to end this conversation?

You could say, "The guy on the phone was trying to sell me hard dicks."

The guy on the phone was trying to sell me hard dicks.

I bet you bought a baker's dozen.

Let's lay some caulk!

I got fresh caulk, everybody! Hot caulk here.

Who wants caulk?

He really wants to leave right from work, huh?

He said, "Real men travel light."

God, he looks ridiculous.

No, I think he looks pretty cool.

Like the Brawny Paper Towel Guy.

See, I was gonna say the Bombay Paper Towel Guy.

Hey, Thorn. Hey.

Job sucks. It's all sap and splinters.

Now it smells like Bombay.

You wanna put that shirt back on? Whew!

Breathe it in, little fella.

That's the smell of a mountain man.

Right. Okay, what time you due back at the hobo zoo?

Hey, hey!

What's up, guys?

Nice ride!

Hey, Chief.

Son of a bitch.

Ta-da! Hey!

What's up, Foster?

He is all yours.

I'm tired of him riding in my sidecar anyway.

That's not what you said last night.

Chief, we have a 214 out at the Shuck n' Rack Motel.

Officer needs guidance.

I'll be right there. - Copy.

I wish you guys didn't get fired.

We weren't fired. We were invited to resign.

Ah. Ooh, I like that.

No, you were fired. There was that ride-along gone wrong.

Then you were fired.

We'll just have to agree to disagree.

All right.

Well, you fellas have fun.

Just get him back in one piece, all right?

With the rod. I'm gonna need it next weekend.


That's my girl.

All right, boys, let's go fishing.

And the beauty is, the black is so black that it's really blue.

I mean, it's really midnight blue.

Ah, just like the old days, huh?

Driving around the countryside, listening to Thorny talk about his dick.

I miss the old days. That's bullshit, man.

That Fred Savage thing was not our fault.

Actors shouldn't do ride-alongs.

Actors shouldn't even try to play cops.

I mean, they never get it right.

Hey, there. How you doin'?

Good. You boys here for business or pleasure?

Just going fishing. Good timing.

You'll be up to yer tits in the walleye.

I caught one last week. Was seven kilograms.

Is that big?

Is that big? That's like nine decimeters from tip to tail.

You a jigger man? What did you call me?

Well, I like to use the jigger rod for when I'm catching the walleye.

But of course when you're doing that you gotta run extra light.

Unless you're someone like you there in the back.

What are you, a bodybuilder? No.

What do you bench? Wait, don't tell me.

I don't want you to embarrass me.

But I would like two tickets to your gun show. Ah, okay.

You guys are good to go. Sorry to hold ya up.

Let them go! Thanks! Take her easy.

Typical Canadian hardass.

"Sorry. I'm really sorry. Sorry."

"Oh, so sorry."

Hey, fellas, any chance you can come over to the house later and play some Sorry?

Sure. How about nine o'clock?

Ooh, nine o'clock doesn't work.

Sorry about that.

French ones are the worst. Ha!

Would you like some ratatouille with your pain du chocolat?

Oui, oui! I'm gonna get some jambon et fromage.

This can't be it.

Well, this is the address Cap sent me.

Although he did just learn how to text.

Now what would compel somebody to throw a tire up on the roof?

What, you never played "Throw the Tire on the Roof"?

No, is that the kind of shit you guys played in Rutland?

Sure. Never got "tired" of that game.

Uh, we are in the wrong place.

No. You're in the right place.

What's the deal with the creepy, remote shithole, Cap?

You gonna make us put the lotion in the basket?

No, I've got a surprise for you.

I didn't tell you up front 'cause you tend to be a bunch of wide-mouth bassholes.

Well, then, why don't you let me reel in these fish, John?

Governor Jessman?

Hey, I didn't see the motorcade.

We're keeping my visit quiet. Mm.

Oh, Cappy, you dirty dog.

Show some respect, Mac!


I'm here on official business.

We've got an intriguing situation going on in these parts.

With all the heat on immigration these days, the U.S. has been going through a border reassessment.

It turns out that some of the original stone markers that delineated America from Canada, weren't where we thought they'd be.

Here is where the border was.

But here is where we found the stone markers.

So this town, St. Georges du Laurent, and the area surrounding it, are actually on American soil.

So we're going to war?

Ah, gee, that'd be a quick one, eh?

No. After negotiations, they've agreed to turn the land over.

Vermont's about to get a little more head room. Hm.

So, it was up to me to find a temporary police force to help with the transition.

A group of officers familiar with the border area, experienced in patrolling a stretch of highway.

Guys who maybe caught a bad break the last time around?

So, you fellas want a crack at your old jobs?

Easy, you hooligans! I'm a senior citizen!

And if this two-week assignment goes well, I might be able to make it permanent.

Trust us. It'll go well.

And who are you?

Oh, I'm one of the cops.

We picked him up outside of Home Depot.


You'll be phasing out a Canadian Mountie unit.

We lined up a meet and greet with them tomorrow.

Oh, yeah!

I wanted to make sure you had your full team back, so I tracked down your other guy too.

No fucking way.

Oh, no.

Sorry I'm late. Hit a moose doing 90.

Vaporized the beyotch!

You know they have Eskimo hookers up here?

When they have sex, they really get "Inuit".


God damn it.

Farva, you fuck.

Back in business!

Bullshit! Who ordered these? I can't feel my tits!


Desk buddies, guy?

Are you positive you want to quit your old job?

I mean, Construction Supervisor.

And give up the chance to crack some Canuck melons?

I don't think so, bro-haim.

Body armor, check.

Tactical flashlights. Why not?

Ooh, heat vision goggles. Check.

Why would we need those?

Uh, we're in Canada now, Rabbit.

What if we have to find somebody in the snow?

Uh, there is snow in Vermont.

Okay, I'm the "order stuff" guy.

You do your thing. All right?


One yellow safety vest for Rabbit.

Woo! A roving GPS triangulator.

Triangulator? Get a load of James Bond over here.

Another yellow safety vest for Thorny.

Thorn, Thorn, Thorn, Thorn, Thorn, Thorn.

Ram. Rod. Ram. Rod. Ramrod. You're out, he's in.


Hey, place looks great!

What have you been cleaning, Cap?

I'll clean your clock if you don't watch out.

Okay, let's get started.

Don't push it, Mac.

Get started doing some pullovers?

No, we're not doing your pullovers.

Everything will be by the book.


Cap, you know how hard I worked on this thing?

Big face, big mustache.

I don't care how big your face is. Shave it!

Cap, Cap, Cap, Cap!

I'm good, right?

I got a tight mouth-muff.

Talk about big faces. That's face-ism, Cap.

Not regulation! Shave it!

Right! Let's go and see some Mounties.

Remember the three B's: Best Behavior, Boys.


How's it going? Feels like 1983 in here.

Oh, there they are.

I am Mayor Guy LeFranc.

Mayor of Saint Georges du Laurent, Canada!

Or, as it's about to be known:

St. George of Lawrence, America.

I don't know. I'm not so good with American. Welcome.

Uh, the Guy LeFranc?

From the Montreal Canadiens Minor League system?

The leading scorer of the Halifax Bear Eaters?

Eighth most points in CHL history.

Yeah, I know. Two points behind Shotti Fitznugly.

Look at this guy!

I love hockey.

Your nickname, um, don't tell me, it was, uh, "The Explosion".

"The Halifax Explosion."

Named after the single greatest man-made explosion before Hiroshima.

It was 1917, ship laden with dynamite crashed into another ship in Halifax Harbor.

Tremendous explosion and loss of life.

Burned people's eyes out with the blast.

Many were blinded by the light.

Like the song says.

And a First Nations tribe was lost.

Probably would've happened to them anyway, but it kind of moved up the timetable, eh?

So, I am the second biggest explosion from Halifax.

But enough about me.

Meet the Mounties. Guys!

Guys, come on over here.

This here is Sergeant Major Roger Archambault.

This is Staff Sergeant Major Henri Podein, and Sergeant Christophe Bellefuille.

Total gobbledygook.

I'm John O'Hagan. This is Rod Farva, Robbie Roto, Carl Foster, MacIntyre Womack and Arcot Ramathorn.

I'll let you guys chew the cud.

Why don't we go fuck off to the other room here?

Yeah, sure.

I'm gonna get a Schlitz! That's American for beer.

So, you do guys ride horses or...

Yeah, this isn't 1957.

We drive Crown Victorias.

Hey, us too. You get a little soup in them, they can really rip your knob off. Am I right?

We hear about you guy, heh?

Because first, you get your highway station shut down.

And then, you get kick out from your second job because of this, uh, Fred Savage thing.


Makes it sound intriguing, at least.

So, what are you going to do here?

Go for the hat trick?

Well, we're actually hoping to hold on to these jobs.

What are you guys doing after the turnover?

Oh, they're transferring us up to Labrador City.

Oh! Cool.

It's cool, all right.

Average winter temperature is minus 18 degrees Celsius!

Yeah, all you have to do to convert is times two, add 32 and join the rest of the human race.

Hey, Rookie, they got non-alcoholic Molsons over here.

Want me to get you a half carafe?

Oh, we got a rookie there? They shave your nuts yet?

Canadian tradition says you got to shave the rook's nuts, otherwise it's bad luck.

You don't say? Bad luck?

I'm actually not a rookie...

Which one of you guys has least seniority?

I mean, technically I...

Shave this guy ball!

Come on, shave both of his ball.

Shave your ball, your dick.

Hello, hello! Welcome to Canada.

I'm Genevieve Aubois, Cultural Attaché of Saint Georges du Laurent.

I will see that things go smoothly in the next few weeks.

And please, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask.

Keep heading north, big fella.

You don't look at the mantel when you're poking the fire, you know what I'm saying?

Right, guys? You know what I'm saying, right? Jesus, Farva.


Well, they are waiting for us in the other room.

So, please, suivez-moi.

Who is waiting where?

Boy, I didn't know the whole town was gonna be here.


It's about my mustache, right?

They're laughing at my mustache?

Please, let's give a big Canadian welcome to the Vermont Highway Patrol.

Hey, hey, everyone!

Come on, guys. They've come up here to tell us how great it's gonna be for all of us to become Americans.

So, let them speak. Captain?



You know, this reminds me of the story of the rabbi, the priest, and the Hindu in a canoe.

Go blow yourself!

I'm Captain John O'Hagan. I...

Yeah, eat it, you old donkey!

Hey, easy. Hey, look, look.

Technically, we're all Americans, right?

North Americans.

Very little is gonna change around here.

Oh, yeah, right! You're probably gonna tell us we can't listen to Rush anymore!

Or the Barenaked Ladies!

Hey. Hey. Hey!

People, people.

I love Rush and the Barenaked Ladies.

You should listen to both.

So, you are telling us who to listen to!

No, no. I'm just...

And then that one's gonna tell us we have to start eating tortillas!

It's a common mistake. Bullshit!

Hey! Listen up.

This is America now. Like it or lump it!

Repeat after me:

I pledge of allegiance to the flag of the United States of America.

Learn the words!

Learn the words!

Fuck you!

You don't even know how to play hockey!

I didn't think they'd see us as an occupying force.

Oh, my God! Your eye.

That might leave a scar.

I was looking too pretty anyway.

I can sew you up at my car.

You're a doctor?

No, no. I coach the girls' hockey team, so I know my way around a gash.

Are you making a...

Oui . A double entendre for la vagine.

Let's go, quickly!

I thought Canadians are supposed to be harmless.

Oh, come on. Cut them some slack.

They're upset about losing their identities.

They called you an old donkey. Doesn't that piss you off?

Well, I don't love it.

Actually, I didn't sleep at all last night.

But we got a job to do.

Rabbit, how's your head? It's okay.

That, uh... Genevieve, she, uh, patched me up.

Oh, please!

Frenchy had her eyes on my thighs all night long.

Yeah. Did she, now?

Oh, yeah? Keep laughing.

I bet you a buck I bang the crêpe out of her first.


Put your money where your mouth's been.

Fuck the buck. Loser sits on a cactus.

No, loser gets a perm.

No, loser cuts his pinky-toe off with a shovel.

Take that bet.

I suggest you take the bet, Rabbit. Really, honestly. Jump on it.

Please shut up, Farva.

Okay. We have a deal.

You heard it, right? We have a deal.

Oh, so, this is where they keep the illegal aliens, huh?

Ah, welcome, Officers!

Welcome to the guys who stood around while people threw hockey pucks at us?

You gonna come up here talking all that "Make America Great" crap, you're bound to catch a face full of Canadian tomato.

Okay, okay. Listen up.

Two of you are gonna ride with the Mounties.

They'll show you where the bodies are buried.

Not it. Actually, it is you two.

It's not our idea of a good time either, fellas.

Personally, I'd rather fuck a moose.

You would need a ladder to do that.

Obviously, I would need a ladder to fuck a moose.

But I would find one, and I would fuck that moose.


Thorny, Rabbit, I got a highway job for you.

Let's do it!

Hey, Cap? Cap?

Whose car do I ride in?

Why don't you stay here with me?

Sit over here.

That's the radio, though.

Great idea!

That way, if a call comes in, you can answer it.


Okay, just today, though, okay?

Everyone takes a turn. It's a new station.

Fuckin' radio.

What the fuck is this shit?

I mean, it's not gonna kill him, is it?

I don't know. Do you want it to kill him?


Just a minute!

Just a, uh...

What's Canadian for "minute"?


There they are. Okay.


Are you swallowing M&M's whole?

Yeah. The green ones make me horny.

Why don't you chew them first?

They all go to the same place, right?

Hey, Farva, can I get a radio check?

Why did you shock your buddy, buddy?

You know, every job has that one guy that you love to hate.

Yeah, obnoxious. Oafish.

Oh, yeah, you mean like your typical American?

Still waiting on that radio check.

Fuckin' shit!

This is an awesome assignment.

Oh, come on, it's great. Outside. On duty.

Hey, what's 80 kilometers per hour in English?

I guess 49.7097 miles per hour.

Uh, I don't think we have any decimals.

Do you have a Sharpie? Uh, no.

Unit 23. Come in, 23. Unit 23. Come in, 23.

Radio, until the turnover, we have to keep things metric.

So we are now Unit 37.015. Try again.


I got a call out on Rue de Autoroute 77 or some Frère Jacques bullshit.

There's a gaggle of dead Canadian Geese on the road.

Yeah, up here, they just call them geese, Radio.

Yeah, well, in two weeks, I call them American Geese.

Honk, honk. Go clean them off.

That's a big 16.09-6436, good buddy.

Ah, ya, there's the Pancake Shed.

And that's the Flapjack's.

Oh, there on the right, that's Gigi's Bait, Tackle and Pancakes.

But they're really known more for their waffles. Yeah, they are.

Sounds like the Queen must really love pancakes.

What's that supposed to mean?

Aren't you guys still ruled by the Queen of England?

I mean, she's all over your money.

I'll have you know that we achieved our independence in 1982.

Ooh! Oh!


Did Wham! perform at the ceremony?

Maybe if we had our independence sooner, we'd have no gun control, not believe in evolution and all be morbidly obese without healthcare.

Why don't you pull in right up here?

Time for you to meet the local business owners.


Here we are, boys.

Are we here to bust up a cat-house?

You can't arrest people for having boners.

It's legal up here, Yank.

A hockey-themed, dual-sex bordello.

Do we have that in the U.S.?

I don't know, but put me in, Coach.

Oh, oh! Look who it is! It's the fuzz.

The Mayor hangs out in a bordello?

No, the Mayor own the bordello.

Here you go, boys.

How about a beer and a tug? On the house.

Hey! Oh, uh...

Uh, maybe later.

Oh, I understand. Scram, girls.

How's it going, eh? Yeah, no, no. Maybe later.

You guys!

You don't like women, you don't like men.

I mean, what should I get, a river beaver to pleasure you?

It's a joke. Their teeth are so sharp, it would be horrible.

How can I help you fellas?

Oh, the Yanks want to talk about their U.S. laws.

You know, like serving weaker beer and shutting down brothels.

Shutting down brothels?

Who put you up to this?

Was it Jean-Paul down at Chez Poontang?

Huh? You guys pulling my chain?

Look, I don't think this is anything we need to get too hung up on right now.

I can't believe down in the States, it's illegal to have a beer and enjoy tits and a dick.

I mean, beep beep!

There's no harm there. Oh. Uh...

Good workout, eh? Wow.

Honestly, Guy, we're not here to lay down any laws.

We're very sorry if there's been a misunderstanding.

"We're sahrry?" "Sahrry."

I'm sorry, but that sounds stupid.

So sahrry. Sahrry.

It's funny. I know.

And what exactly is your beef with our beer?

Oh, I don't have any problem with the beer.

I mean, I think the limit in the U.S. is what, nine percent?

Nine percent? How are you supposed to get drunk?

I mean, you know, I think the idea is you drink more of the weaker stuff.

I bet it is.

You Americans drinking and eating everything.

Oh, no, you shouldn't. So fat.

How about a little help over here, huh?

Yeah, I don't think we have jurisdiction here anymore, buddy.

Okay, all right.

It's not like we're here to "screw you" out of your rights.

Darn tootin' you're not.

Okay, look, relax.

Go away, you American pigs!

Go home! Oh!

Take it easy.

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Sorry about that. It was an accident.

Get out of here!

Get the fuck off me.

Fuck you, motherfuckers. Fuck you!

Vermont sucks, eh! Thank you.

See you later, sunshine!

Stupid Americans! Cheerio!

Okay, this job isn't as fun as I thought it was.

Arrogant American!

The whole world's metric. What's your problem, eh?

Just doing our job, sir.

You're 185 centimeters tall, you weigh 92 kilogram. Get used to it!


Your authority don't mean cheese up here.

I can't tell if he's calling me skinny or fat.

Officers requesting assistance at the L'Explosion Bordello on Route Four.

We are under assault by hookers.

Lots of them. Male and female.

Copy, 91. We'll be right there.

Just as soon as we finish taking selfies with the Victoria's Secret Blow Job Team.

I'm not kidding, Thorny! There's too many of them.

Will you get your dick out of my face!

I just... I got glitter!

Glittering and... Glittering and...

I love it. It's like we never left.

What the hell? Remote driver?

Ghost car?

We drilled that sign!

They're kids.

Give me those keys.

Ow! No biting, you little shitsky!

What's your name, kid?

Stranger danger! Stranger danger!

Where did you get the car?

Suck it, cop!

Holy Christmas.

Oh, my God.

They're all hopped up on goofballs.

You can't catch me!

I'm gonna get my bean bag gun!

Show me where you got these and I'll let you play with my Taser.

Ooh! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

We gotta be careful.

This is the kind of image that could go viral.


All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, boys.

Stay! Stay.

What's up, Soapy?

More pills?

Did Apple change their logo?

What have we here?


Must make you feel right at home.

Good one.

Pills, pills, pills!

Oh, boy.

Viva la revolución, baby!

Ay, ay, ay! Ugh.

You ever hear of the Cuban Embargo?

That embargo is yesterday's news.

Not for me it isn't.

That's like sucking Castro's cold wrinkled dick.

Cuban cigars, counterfeit iPhones and unmarked pills.

We got something here.

You boys stumbled on quite a booty closet.

A what now?

Booty. Contraband.

What? They don't say "booty" anymore?

Not really, no. Nah.

Canadian counterfeit iPhones?

We should call them "A"-Phones, eh? Right?

They all have the same number? That's a rip-off.

So, what pills do we have?

Not sure.

Five different kinds. None of them have markings.

Send them to the lab.

I tried! The U.S. lab said send them to the Canadian lab.

The Canadian lab said, "Oh, ya, hey there.

"Send 'em over to the U.S. lab there."

Maybe the Mounties have some pull?


Fuck the Mounties!

Fuckin' Canada. Fuck that.

For all we know, this was the Mounties.

Easy on the local cop conspiracies.

We'll solve this case ourselves.

I'll put a call out to Montpelier, see if they can line up a lab for us.

Wah, wah! I don't need some nerd in a lab coat to tell me what this shit is.

Sometimes even I've gotta hand it to you, you weird son of a bitch.

But why is it that you chew a pill yet you swallow M&M's whole?

I'm a complicated guy, Mac.

Okay. All right.

See you boys in the Renaissance Period.


Can't move.

My mouth's dry.

What do you think, like a heavy barbiturate?

Maybe a muscle relaxant?

You really can't move?

I'm numb. I'm totally numb.


What are you doing?


Fuck you, Mac. I need medical attention.

Side effects may include fatness and irritability.

I think it's a mood enhancer.

God damn it.

I know I'm in a better mood.

Do we have any more fly strips?

I want to make him a headband.

That's gotta be speed, right? Absolutely.

Wow. You seem kinda wired.

I'm just psyched to be back on the job!

Yeah, okay, well, I knew you would be.

Ooh, did I tell ya the oth...

Oh, yeah, I got, I got a triangulator.

Why would you need a triangulator?

Why does everyone keep saying that?

To triangulate, baby!

Hey, how come we never go dancing anymore?

When I get home, we're gonna go fuckin' dancing.

Okay. I can't wait.

Rabbit, get me some lemonade.

Rabbit. Get me some lemonade, please.

Get me some goddamn lemonade, rookie!

Don't you call me rookie, you fucker!

I will fucking put my fist right through your head!

I'm thinkin' 'roids. Absolutely.

How about you? You feel anything?

Wet mouth. Sweaty palms.

Moist ear canals. And I'm just feeling emotional.

Hm. Okay.

I think you took a Canadian female sexual enhancement drug called Flova Scotia.

"Made in Canada, but banned in the U.S."

When the time is right, but you're not.

Flova Scotia, eh?

Side effects may include wet mouth, sweaty palms, damp ears, moist groin, varicose breasts, hair loss, queefing, and bitchiness.

Flova Scotia, eh?

You can say "queefing" on Canadian TV?

Ha! What a country!

What about you? You're awful smiley.

I'm on acid.

Pharmaceutical acid? Is there such a thing?

Don't know. But I do know you have exactly

1,509 hairs in your mustache.

Close! 1,521. I had them counted for my birthday.

Really? Yeah.

Really? Yeah!

I don't know what to believe, Thorn!

Okay. Don't you do that.

I'm really looking forward to this.


You guys come up with anything?

Indeed we have some very interesting leads.

Some of them from that computer!

I think that we are on top of this case.

We're gonna find out who did this and we're gonna stomp in their stupid fucking faces!


Well, the shack's a dead end.

It's on abandoned land owned by a defunct mining company.

So, anyone could have put the booty out there.

Why you laughing, Guy Smiley?

Okay, if we stake out the shack maybe we can catch someone coming or going.

Let's get back out there.

Farva, hit the radio.

You hearing this?

Come on! Hit the radio!

Farva! Come on!



I love grass!

I love life!

I love music!

Think puppies, not steroids.

Think puppies, not steroids.

Smiling. Puppies.


Bunnies! Bunnies!

Hi, bunny. Hi.

Rabbit. My name's Rabbit. Oh, so cute little thing.

Bub, bub, bub, bub.

Just stay there!

Feel the steroids melting away.

Don't let the job stress you out.

I love the job.

Doesn't stress me out. Farva stresses me out.

Such a shame.

Why are the good-looking ones always so obnoxious?

You think he's good-looking?

"The bigger the cushion, the better the pushing."

No. No.

I would rather have sex with a baboon.

It's funny though, huh?

We all have that one horrible person we work with.

For me, it's my office manager Lonnie Laloush.

Oh, he can be such a "deeckwad".


It's just with your accent, the way you say "dickwad" is adorable.

No, but it's true. He is a deeckwad.

First you steal our job and now you sit here gazing lovingly into the eyes of our women.

Your women?

Well, maybe we should take him in the back, give him Canadian handshake, eh?

What's that?

Let's just say it involve a bag of hockey puck and a lot of warm gravy.

Mm. Sounds delicious.

Make way!

Hot soup coming through!

Oh, Canadian standoff, huh?

Oh, it look like professor Stephen Hawking has really let himself go these days.

When God created Canada, it was like the universe farted.

Why do all the fat one always ride around on these little scooters?

You ever stop and think that if you walk, you might actually be thin?


These pigs are harassing the handicapped!

Everybody look. Take a phone video!

Hey! Leave him alone! Hey! This it is far from over.

You want to go to TJ's Arcade? Oui.

I have some loonie I need to break.

C'est bon.

Fuckin' Frenchies.

What are you two doing together? Mall walking?

We ran into each other at the pet store.

Rabbit. You shopping for a new gerbil?

Hey, Gwenevieve how about the two of us go over to the Saskatchuan Palace and get a wang dang doodle?

Uh, non.

Ooh, woof woof. Put a little bark on that and I'll bite.

Okay, I'm going to go.

It was great seeing you.

Don't leave on my account.

Uh-huh! Cocky, huh?

How about we up the bet?

There is no bet, Farva.

Okay, new bet then.

Loser not only cuts off his pinky toe with a shovel, he puts it in a blender and drinks it in a smoothie, toenail and all.

Come on.

Shake it, don't mistake it.

You're serious?

Serious as a heart attack.

And I should know. I've had two.

Wow. Pinky toe smoothie!

Somebody clean this up.

Son of a bitch.


Heat goggles have arrived!

Looking hot, Mac.

Hey, nickel plated cuffs!

Oh, shit. These things are defective.

What's wrong with them?

They don't seem to lock.

Here. Let me see.

Here you go, Rabbit, give me that hand.

I got mine to work. Maybe it's this one.

Okay. Oh, yeah, that works. Okay, good.

Try the ankle ones.

Oh, you always gotta check the ankle ones.

That's the most important.

And here we go.

You son-a-bitches.

You're not shaving my balls!

It would be an insult to our Canadian hosts if we didn't.

I'm not a rookie anymore. Get these off me.

Do you not want to be an ambassador of goodwill?

No. I don't. Get these off me.

Rabbit, it's not like we want to shave your balls.

Thorny, do you want to shave his balls?

Me? Hell no. Foster?

No way. You don't wanna shave his balls, do you, Farva?

Hell yeah, I do!

I even went out and bought one of those old-timey straight razors.

No. No. Check this out.


Goddamn Canadian wiring!

It's wrecking my freakin' sperm count!

Are you still taking the Flova Scotia?

What part of "side effects include

"queefing and bitchiness" did you not understand?

Dude, the orgasms are like a moonshot.

You can't keep taking female hormones.

It's gonna mess you up.

Jealous much?

Now who are you orgasming with?

Her name is Quebecois Debbie.

Oh, Thorny, your cock, she is so wide.

I'd fuck her.

Okay, let's shave this. Don't.


Seriously, cut the crap, guys.


There's a bear in the station.

Is that a euphemism for something?

It's a euphemism for there's a goddamn bear eating slabs of raw meat in the goddamn station!

Yeah. Bear. Okay.

Where are the guns?

In the room with the bear.

Tear gas grenades?

I just got a new delivery! There you go! Where is it?

In the room with the guns and the bear.

What if we send Rabbit out to fuck the bear as a means of distracting said bear?

Yes. God damn it, we've got to get the meat out of there!

Fine, fuck it. I'll do it.

I'll go with you. Really?

Yeah. What's the worst that could happen?

You get mauled by the bear.

Or that bear could get mauled by me.

You ever think about that? No, I didn't.

Okay, here's the plan:

I'll go out there and distract the bear, while you get the meat and get it the hell out of the station.

Team Ram-Rod!

Please don't start with that shit.

Good luck, fellas.

Okay. You stay here.

Big boy. Hey, big boy!

Oh, boy. Oh, no.

Come here, Ditka. Come here. Come here, boy!

Go, go, go.

Come on!

Come on! Come on!

Come, come!


Okay, okay.

Fuck you, bear.



Go, go, go, go!

Oh, shit.

Hey. Hey.

Get out of there. Stop.

Should I shoot him? Who? Farva?

Ooh, good idea.

No, no! No, no, no.

Go away!


Get away, bear.

Go! Go! Go!

Get out of here. Fuck.

Holy shit, I "bear-ly" made it.

That could've been "grizzly".


I think someone took a "growler" in here.

Shoot him.

Fuckin' Mounties!

Son of a bitch!

Those guys have been assholes since the moment we arrived and now they are trying to kill us.

This goes a lot farther than just being angry about losing their jobs.

Cap, we've been pelted by hockey pucks, had dicks tugged in front of our faces and gotten our asses kicked by prostitutes of both sexes.

I think it's time we had our own fun. Who's with me?

Yeah! Let's go!

Dude, you fuckin' stink.


Guys! Guys! Anyone?

The shaving cream is starting to burn.

Did you use menthol?!

Hair loss, queefing and bitchiness.

Flova Scotia, eh?

Fuckin' rights. It's the same guy, bud.

No, no, no. It's a different guy, that guy, eh.

Yeah, no! That's Danny DeVito!

Danny DeVito is the actor from Taxi, but that guy I like, he come out on Always Sunny in Philadelphia's.

Bud, they're the same guy.

How many 145-centimeter actors do you think there are?

They're both Danny DeVito!

No, Danny DeVito Taxi long time ago.

But this producer from Always Sunnys, they like him so much, they put him it into the show, eh.

That doesn't mean they can't be the same guy, bud.

That's one guy. It's a different era.

He can do two shows in fucking 30 years.

How many times do we have to go over this?

It's the same fucking guy!

He is right, you know. It is the same guy.

Danny DeVito was in Taxis but he is also in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia's.

I know. I make joke on him.

He think I don't know but I know, eh.

You know who is my favorite, uh, superhero villain?

Is the Penguin from Batman film, eh.

That's fuckin' Danny DeVito, bud.

Get a fucking clue!

That's Danny DeVito you just said!

Can you believe this fuckin' guy doesn't know who Danny DeVito is?

Who you mean? The singer?

No, the fuckin' actor! Danny DeVito.

The guy who's married to Rhea Perlman!

Oh, I like him in Hellboy.

That's Ron Perlman!

Doesn't matter. Archambault! Hockey is back on!

What the fuck is wrong with you guys?

Both of you. You're fucki'' from another planet.

I can't believe we live in the same country.

Oh, the fucking phone is ringing during hockey night in Canada!

Who is calling during hockey night in Canada?!

Who the fuck even has a hard line anymore?

Archambault, rip the fuckin' phone out of the wall!

What's next? You're gonna have someone deliver a pizza during the fuckin' overtime?!

What the fuck?

You know, the other guy I like, is the one giving Billy Crystal the problem in Throw Momma and the Trains.

Holy merde.

Get him!

Great fight, guys!

Pennyworth ADH4 SureShot Cattle Prod.

Every station needs one.

I can't breathe.

We know it's you guys. We can see your mustaches.

Come on, you can't leave us out here.

We are at least 100 kilomètres in the woods!

Maybe more, huh?

Ah, tabernacle. Here come the mosquito.

We got 24 hours to desecrate the good names of these dickfucks.

Let's do it!

Let's do it.

License and registration, eh!

Here you go.

Captain, come in, Captain.

Officer. - Captain, come in.

Officer, here you go.

Are you hearing anything, Captain?

You think maybe your buddy is getting a little old for this? I mean, a deaf cop?

Who said that, eh?

Ooh. You, sir, have the nose of a king.

Hold tight, I'm gonna get my ticket book.

Ya! Hey there.

License and registration. All right.

Let's go! License and registration, eh!

What's so funny...

...Mr. Matt Tomon?

You think it's funny that I lost my balls in a tractor pull?

Wait, you both got your nuts ripped off in a tractor pull?

I lost mine in the spokes of my bicycle.

You know how fast that will stop a bicycle?

Hey, Officer!

Hey, you're on my wagon. What?

Come on! Wake up! Wake up!

License and registration, hey?

'Scuse me one second, eh.

You bitch!

Get back here, you! Ow! Ow!

Hey, there. Hi.

License and registration.

Aren't you the two that pulled me over before?

Beg your pardon?

How are you Mounties now? Or should I say Meow-nties?

Say what now?

Few years ago, you pulled me over and you played some game where you said "meow."

Buddy, I've said a thousand stupid things to people over the years.

You asked if I saw you jumping around all nimbly-bimbly from tree to tree?

I can assure you I've never said the words

"nimbly-bimbly" in my life.

You fucker! Oh, you bitch!

Where's the gosh darn cruiser?

Dude, your partner is about to get mucked!

Where you going, mister? Freeze!

Ow. Ow!


Hang on. Do you really not remember this guy or you just fuckin' with him?

Yeah, I have no idea who he is.

You know I heard everything you said.

Son of a bitch. We've been doing that for years.

Forget it. Am I getting a ticket here, or...

You know what? I want to get my head around this

'cause now it's driving me crazy.

Let's do this. We'll switch. You'll be me, I'll be you and then you'll do the routine.

What? All right.

Ah, you'll kill it, you'll kill it.

License and registration meow. Come on, meow.

Hey! Now I remember it!

I remember it now. You remember that.

In the meanwhile, never give your car keys to a stranger.

Why is that?

See you, sucker!

I knew it was you the whole time, asshole!

What the hell's going on here? Huh?

Looks like someone's smoking the reefer joints.

No, that's not marijuana.

We'll see about that.

Farva, that's not a good idea!

What's the...

Okay, this is happening.


We're from America.

We don't speak French.


Do neither of you speak English?

I do. Oh.


Your papers.

We would like to eat your papers.

Can you show me your party papers?

You want to see our party papers? Party papers?

Bon vivant bouillabaisse, cul de sac, les serve chicken cordon bleu.

Formidable Baton Rouge.

No bles or blis, o bon pain Château Marmont?

- Croque monsieur? Croque madame!


Est stupid!

Frère Jacques, Grey Poupon, Marquis de Sade, tourette whoop!

Feather duster, croissant, Les Miserables, fart catcher, Luc Robitaille, D'artagnan, Perrier, Fran Tarkenton, peanut butter parfait.

Eau de toilette!

Officers? I'm sorry.

You're, you're obviously in...

No, no, no, no, no.

I must apologize, uh, for me and my partner.

We should not fight.

To argue is no way to go through the life.

I know.

Do you know the key to life? What's that?

The key to life is a... a penis in your asshole.

I beg your pardon, sir!

I think you must be saying that wrong!

No, no, no. The key to life is a penis in your asshole.

I don't think you're saying what you mean to say.

Oui! Oui! Oui!

A penis. A penis.

You know, eh, eh, to smile. To be happy.



Honey! It's...


In your asshole.


Your asshole. Eh, where you live.

Your apartment, your domicile.

Your house.

"Household!" Ah!

"The key to life is happiness in your household!"

Oui, the key to life is "a penis in your asshole"!

Oh! I'm trying to tell her that.

What you think I say?

Oh, I don't even want to tell you.

Maybe they'll get a kick out of it.

We thought that you said, that the key to life is a penis in your asshole.

Sacrebleu, non!

You Americans think everyone want to fuck you!

No one want to fuck you!


Here is your party papers!

I thought Canadians were nice.

Whoa! Whoa! Wait for me. Okay.

I was thinking we could do like a "Who's on First?" pullover.

"Rabbit and Fostello." You know, old-time comedy.

Love it. Ooh.

How are they back so quick? Shit! Shit, shit, shit!

Shit! Go, go, go, go!

There are these son-of-a-bitch guys, eh!

Stomp you a new mudhole!

Whoa, whoa!

What the hell happened to you guys?

They dump us in the woods!

What?! Why would we do that? We're the police.

Too bad for you my dad dropped me in the woods naked every summer! Hah?

Oh, sounds too bad for you.

Come on. You know you do this. Look at us.

We are paint all red, white and blue.

Aren't those the colors of the French flag?

Oh, the color the French flag.

Perhaps the guys who did this were British.

Could've been Costa Rican.

Who wants breakfast burritos?

Take that off or I'll kill you.

Let's settle this the Canadian way!

You're in America now!

Hey! What's going on here?

Great Tim Horton's ghost!

First, I get a call that the Mounties are out farting sideways on the highways.

Then I get a call to come down here.

Oh, it wasn't us!

These fucking guys, they kidnap us and they leave us in the woods to die.

Yeah, then they steal all three of our uniform, eh.

These guys put a bear in our station! A real bear. Big bear!

You don't have any proof of that.

A real bear?

Maybe. And maybe they deserve a bear!

Nobody deserves a bear!

I give a bear to you!

We could have been eaten!

Why you laughing, Guy?

Fellas, you are thinking about this all wrong, eh?

These guys? They impersonated officers.

There is no way they're holding onto their jobs.

And I'll do you one better.

When I get done talking to my good friend Justin Trudeau...

Eh, the Prime Minister!

I bet you this whole turnover thing goes right out the window.


So, boys, unpack your bags. Revive those cable bundles.

'Cause you are not going anywhere.

I say we celebrate. What are we having for breakfast?

Pancake. Pancake, yeah?

All right. Oatmeal and raisins it is.

Oh. Kidding. It's pancakes.

Eh, pancake! Maybe two eggs side by each, eh?

I don't want this oatmeal.

Maybe you put the raisins inside the pancake.

Genevieve, wait.

You brought this on yourselves.

They put a bear...

This is bad, fellas.

This is "Fred Savage Ridin'-Along Incident" bad.

Tell that to Fred Savage.

Well, no sense in having good breakfast go to waste.

I've lost my appetite. I'm sorry, man.

I'm just not hungry.

You try to do something nice for people, and then it just, I just, you know.

What's the point?

Stop taking female hormones!

Can we please come in, Cap?

He's taking years off my life.

Just the bad years, kid.

I'm serious, Cap. I'm about to snap like a dry twig.

Things are still pretty dicey here. Best keep Farva away.

We'll let you know when the coast is clear.

Have you heard the new Kanye?

He's not just about big butts! He's a really good singer.

This is great. It's like being on the road again.

I like to chew mint gum when I'm on the road.

When I'm radio, it's fruit.

You know, like Juicy Fruit, Bubblicious, Hubba Bubba.

Anything fruity.

On the road, I like mint, though.

Mint, mint, mint, mint, mint.

And Beech-Nut, have you tried that?

They should call it "Beech-Not!"

Oh, shit, I'm gonna write that down.

What kind of gum do you chew?

They should make a black mint gum.

That would be choice.

They could call it "Minty Black".

Yeah, I'm gonna write that down too.

No one would buy that. What?

No one would buy that stupid gum.


They'd buy it if it was on Friends.

Like if Ross or Rachel chewed it, it'd sell like hotcakes.

Are you a mutant?

You follow me out here while I'm pissing just to tell me this shit?

Quit looking at my dick.

I'm not looking at your dick. We're taking a piss.

So, piss. I don't have to go.

I'll fuck that Canadian right in his back bacon!

Rod! Rod!

Yeah! Farva!



Dumb fuck.


Who pops an airbag?

God. You weigh a ton.

You gotta be shitting me. Don't die on me, Farva.

Okay. You can do it.

Oh! Fuck!

From upside down, your mustache looks like a big hairy smile.

Why would you give me the Shocker?

My way of saying, "Thanks, honey. You saved my life."

I was dead. I went to Heaven.

And you were there.

You know what you were doing? What?

Trying to make out with me, sweetheart! I'm on to you.

Come here. Give me some more of that.

What the hell is that?

Well, hello, Laverne!

Looks like the same stuff.

Yeah, but a shit-ton more of it.

Holy Hindu holidays.

There's a new guest at the party.



Oh, no, I don't want to hear it, Rabbit.

Genevieve, could I just explain?

There is nothing to explain.

They put bears in our station.

This is Canada!

There are bears everywhere.

There are bears that go through my garbage every night.

I have cereal with bears in it: Bearios.

Canada's most popular breakfast.

Someone say "Bearios"?

Hey there, Genny. Wanna grab some eats?

No, thanks.

Turn that into a maybe and I'll have your baby.

Lonnie Laloush?

That's mon nom. Don't wear it out, eh?

You want a hot coffee? I'm pouring.

Oui, s'il te plait.

Seems like a real "dickwa-duh", huh?

I told everyone how wonderful you all are.

Well, you're not. You have bad hearts.

Who wants crème fraiche?


Okay, no crème fraiche!

Please just go. Genevieve...

Just go.

They're actually AK-48s. Illegal in the U.S.

Why 48?

Because they hold one extra bullet.

Yeah, sure. You never know when you're gonna need just one more.

This one says "Tiger Penis".

Suck it!

Shut up, Farva.

The Chinese use it to get hard-ons.

I tried to get it once.

You can't buy it in the United States.

Dude, what's up with your mustache?


Are you wearing a mustache wig? No!

It's a postiche, okay? I'm having a little hair loss.

Don't worry about it.

Worry about your own goddamn mustache.

Fuckin' asshole.

Hey, Mac tell you guys about our little moment?

Did you, Mac and Cheese?

You told us, Farva. I don't want to hear it again.

I'm the Cheese.

All right, look, guys.

I know we're in some serious shit here, but if we can crack this case, we might just be able to get beyond this whole Mountie thing.

We didn't do anything.

Foster, we kidnapped and impersonated officers of a sovereign nation.


Cuban cigars, Canadian pills, counterfeit cell phones, AK-48s and Tiger Penis.

What's the link?

All this stuff is more valuable in the U.S. than in Canada.

So, it's a smuggling operation.

Someone's trying to move this shit over the border.

No, they're not.

Think about it.

This stuff is just sitting on Canadian land. Yeah. Okay.

But what happens when this Canadian land becomes American land?

No need to move it at all. It's already on U.S. soil.

Exactly, huh?

Passive smuggling. It's my kind of crime.

So, they must have this shit stashed all along the border.

Yeah. But who is "they"?

Who "are" they.

Hey, look, I said this earlier and you guys laughed at me.

But I think it's the Mounties. They are shit people. Okay?

And they smoke Cubans cigars. We've seen that.

They're getting transferred to God knows where.

I mean, what do they have to lose?

I am starting to agree with Sherlock McSerpico over here.


I'm telling you, fellas.

In my experience, it's always the local cops.

What would you guys give me if I kill that bird?

Farva, that's a Bald Eagle!

Get a wig, baldy!


Put the goddamn gun down.


Oh, booyah! Guys, what do I win?

A one-way ticket to hell.

This place wishes it was Shenanigans.

Welcome to Chicanery's, eh!

Can I get you a booth?

Uh, no. We're meeting somebody here.

Oh, yeah, there he is.


Chief, we've been looking all over for you.

Cap, Cap, Cap, I think we've figured it out!

Chief. I think we cracked the thing.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

I've been waiting here for an hour.

I think you're gonna want to know this.

This is my song. I know, but listen, I think we...

I'm singing here. Sit the fuck down. No, no, no.

I'm singing here.

I'm singing here. Sit the fuck down!

What can I get for you guys?

Maybe a cold beer? Liter of cola?

What did you say?

Do you want a liter of cola?

You have that here?

Yeah, we got the Decaliter Delight.

You get a punch card, you rack up ten liters of cola, get yourself a free dessert.

Bring them all. Bring them all right now.

Bring all ten liters and the punch card.

I want it all right now.

Come on.

Canada's pretty awesome.

Boop boop. Uh, don't do that.

Boop beep boo boop beep. Cut the crap.


I feel terrible about what I said to you.

I know I overreacted.

It's just the town is so upset about the turnover.


Anyway, you are not a bad person.

Even if you are American.

Well, I've actually been working on that for you.

For me? Yeah.

Moosehead. Canadian beer.

Beaver chili. Très Canadien.

And I've been working on my French too.

Oh, I love this song!

Oh, it reminds me of summers on Etang de la Soupe Aux Pois.

Wow! That's very good.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, but, I don't even know what it means.

It's a sad song about the Nazi Occupation of France.


I'm sorry. I...

No. No, no.

It's about two lovers trapped in a war that neither wanted, but they love each other anyway.


So much better.

Is this really happening? Oh, yes.

I love it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Where is the fat one's desk? Right there.


You don't know his name?


I smell a new nickname.

Guess we hurry.

Passive smuggling? It's brilliant.

And it's gotta be the Mounties.


'Cause it's always the local cops.

Here's your punch card.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Number nine. This is ten.

Technically, you have to drink all ten to get the dessert.

Oh, you challenging me?

This will be gone in three seconds.

I'll have the butter tart yule log.

Come on. Chop-chop!

Just do it, dude.


And the beauty is, there's nothing they can do with all that contraband, until this land becomes America.

So all we have to do is push back the turnover, until we can find the rest of the stuff.

Well, you heard LeFranc.

Who knows what's gonna happen with the turnover?

Whatever happens, we gotta solve this case. Now.

Let's take another look at that contraband.

We may have missed something.

Hold on! I didn't get my free dessert.

Move it, Farva!

Come on! It's a fucki'' butter tart yule log!

Let's go! Now!

Damn it.

Oh! Whoa! Watch it, pal.

Walk faster, finger blaster.

Son of a... Rabbit!


Whoa! The booty's gone!

Did they take the Flova Scotia?

In addition to Rabbit!

Hold your bones. Rabbit's car.

The dash cam! Look at this.

Ooh, you clever little prick, you.

Prick? I'm tired of these putdowns!

It's a compliment, shithead.

Fuck you, midget Burt Reynolds.

Mm. Mm-mm.

Oh, a little ménage à two.


Ah. Yeah, partner.

Can you believe she picked Donnie Osmond over me?

Yes. I mean, is anyone else shocked here?

No. And on my desk?

Shut up, Farva. This is serious.

Whoa! What the fuck?

Now how are we gonna find them?

All those iPhones had the same number.

Now, if we only had a triangulator, we could locate them.

Aha! Take that, you bastards.

Those are the phones right there.


All right, but what is this place?


Enhance. Okay, okay.

"Sciere de la Vache."

All right, you guys speak French, what does that mean?

I don't know what sciere means and I also don't know what vache means.

So you really don't understand anything?

Sciere de la Vache?

I believe it's "The Scary Vase".

Yeah, yeah. Let's see, sciere is "beetle".

Beetle vase. No. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But la vache is "angry". "Angry Beetle."

Okay. Yeah. Angry Beetle, we think.

It's "The Sawmill of the Cow", you idiots!

It's a sawmill!

Why "Sawmill of the Cow"? No. It doesn't make any sense.

Let's go and give those Canuckleheads a good old-fashioned red-white-and-blue, fist-fucking!

Yeah! Let's do it!

Shotgun! Shotgun! Shotgun!



Hey, pull over. I gotta take a pee-ahs.

Shouldn't have drank all that soda.

You know, it just now occurred to me, you and I have never been alone together before.

Yeah, thank God.

Seriously. Have we ever had a one-on-one conversation?

Why would we? You seem like a pretty boring dude.

You still banging that blonde cop, or...

Where the hell are they going?

That was the turn, back there.

Are you sure? I don't think so.

Have you completely lost your sense of direction?

Well, your yelling at me certainly doesn't help!

Cap's right, Thorn. That was the turn.

Shut up, Mr. Perfect.


I saw that!

Where are those female sex pills?


Give them me! Give them me!

Thank you.

No sign of Rabbit.

But I got two Mountie cars... and our contraband.

Where the hell's Farva?

Ah. I got him.

He's like a walking hydrothermal explosion.

You want to see some fartography?

I'm still gonna go back and get that butter tart yule log.

All right, boys. Let's milk this cow.

I moved this stuff the last time.

I don't want to lift it either.

You don't move anything.

You don't move your body, you don't move boxes.

One, two, three, go!

Alright freeze! You're under arrest!

Bullshit, eh! You're under arrest!

Bullshit, you fucking smugglers!

We're not the smugglers! You're the fucking smugglers.

We're not the fucking smugglers!

You're the fucking smugglers!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Everyone, lower your weapons!

Something's not right.

Wait, wait, wait. The old-timey one is right.

Something doesn't add up here.

Oh, shit! Die, you fucking smuggler!

Farva, you idiot!

Put the gun down! Put the gun down!

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Put down the fuckin' gun!

Drop the gun, I don't want to shoot!

You fuckin' Canadians!


What the fuck are you guys doing?

Apropos, right?

Go on, kill each other.

What ever happened to "Shoot first and ask questions later"?

Uh, what the shit, Guy?

Why you tell us these guys are the smuggler, huh?

Well, it's a lot smarter than telling you that I'm the smuggler.

What do you mean, you're the smuggler?

I'm sorry, but what else was I gonna do?

Being the mayor of a small Canadian town sounds romantic and cool.

Being the mayor of a small American town sounds like you're a loser. For reals.

You got to admit it's a good scam.

All along the borderline.

But I never would've thought that the guys from the Fred Savage incident, would be the ones to trip me up.

These are the cops that killed Fred Savage?


But I will say, this little rivalry between police forces, is the perfect opportunity to take you both out.

Well, now we're taking you in.

I'm sorry.

But that's not the way it's going to go.

Henri, if you would be so kind.

No! Oh, Jesus.

Holy shit! And do pay attention to that man behind the curtain.

Your Rabbit wasn't quick enough.

Maybe next time, he'll hop a little faster, eh?

If anything happens to him, I'm gonna fuck you six ways to Sunday!

Jeez Louise. Now I know who gobbled all my Flova Scotia.

So, drop your guns, or the Rabbit and his girlfriend will multiply in gruesome fashion.

I'm so sorry.

Let her go, Guy. She has nothing to do with this!

Well, if they put their guns down, no harm will come to her.

Go on. Drop them.

Drop your guns. Drop it.

Now get those hands in the air.

Like you just don't care.

So, are you ready...

for the big twist?

What the fuck?

What are you doing? What?

Shut the front door!


What's going on here?

He'll kill me. Let me out of my chains.

What the fuck took you so long, Guy?

First I have to have his circumcised dick in me and then you tie me to this log?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I hate you!

I hate you.

Shoot them.

Shoot them all.

With pleasure, boss.

Hold on!

If I'm going down, I'm going down American!

All right, enough with that song.

Shoot them.

Hurry, it's about to slice my johnson!

This is not happening.

That was a hell of a thing to do.

I guess my maternal instinct is kicking in.

La vache.


Shoot the cow.


Damn it! I'm out of bullets!

I got one more!

Make it count!



Gotta love that 48th bullet.

Drop it! Drop your weapon!

Come on, get up from the dirt.

I'm about to get neutered!

Hang on!

Get this outta here!

Get me off this!

I don't think so.

Okay. Now you've lit the fuse of the Halifax Explosion.

Yeah. In my day... when your big boy teeth came in, your hockey coach would pull them out... so you wouldn't miss a shift.

Yeah? In my country, we let the Tooth Fairy deal with that shit.

You would know all about fairies, wouldn't you?

Okay. Let's do this, moosefucker.

Yeah, you want to do it?

You wanna go? Yeah. Let's go.

Yeah. You wanna go? You wanna go? Yeah. I wanna go.

Ooh, clip-on. Little tacky, eh?


That's one former hockey player who can shut the puck up!

Right, guys?

Shit, that was a good line.

Come on, damn it!

Oh, my God!

That's great! That's great!

What the hell is wrong with you guys?

It's like none of you Yanks ever operated an industrial grade rotary timber saw, eh?

Hey! What about your accent?

Andrea Spooner, Ontario Provincial Police.

What? Shut up!


Why is the Vermont Highway Patrol even here?

I've been undercover three years.

Part of a task force... with the Organized Crime Unit of the Ontario Provincial Police.

She's down with OPP.

You assholes just blew three years of work for me.

I was this close to getting their supplier.

Now I'll never get them.

Well, I'm happy to offer you full cooperation of our...

Shut the fuck up!


Wow. Wow.

Hey, guys, do me a solid, eh?

When you're sweeping up back there, keep an eye out for my falsies.

Nah. You're not going to need teeth where you're going, eh.

You were our hero, Guy.

An hockey player who owned a whorehouse.

Yeah, and to think you spent 11 years in the Canadian system.

Newsy Lalonde would be rolling in his grave right now.

You would have fit in good in Calgary, eh.

Talk about a bunch of goon.

Especially that defenseman Bonchance.

That guy is the worst.

What a mucker, that guy, eh?

No, he end up in the QSPHL by the time he's 38.


Easy! Easy!

Ah! Oh!

There he is!

They wrapped you in the Japanese flag.

Hey, man, thanks for saving my life.

I don't know what I would have done without you.

Oh, that's okay, I don't need a hug.

It's not for you.


Careful, careful, careful!

Dude, are you lactating?

I'm just doing what my body tells me to do, okay?

Okay, Thorn. You're the tits!

Good luck with the wet T-shirt contest.


How are ya feelin'?

Oh, it's okay.

I'm so sorry about saying "I hate you" back there.

Yeah. I know. I'm sorry I lied.

I just can't believe I didn't know.

Well, you were very sweet, but also very gullible.

Maybe you and I could get together and listen to some old-timey French music... when that gets all healed up.

Yeah, sure.

Fuckin' Canadian.

Give me 50 cc's of morphine, shaving cream and a razor. A razor for what?

To remove the hair from your testicles.

I have to stitch you up.

Why would you need to stitch me up?

It's like a paper cut.

All we need to do is get a little Band-Aid. Hey, guys!

Happy trails!

Looks like the rook's getting his nuts shaved after all.

Who wants coffee? Sounds good.

Captain O'Hagan!

I hear you and your men did some good work.

We did. We caught the smugglers.


What the hell was that?

Oh, shit.

Done and done.

This little piggy cried, "God damn! That hurt!"

What the hell happened to you?

Ah. I just lost a pussy bet.

If I "toed" ya, I'd have to kill ya.


Watch the hoof! Ow! Watch the hoof!

Officers! Cassandra Anne Gacek, Action Five News.

Given your involvement with this bust how does it feel to know that you are still being replaced?

Uh, you know, when they first arrive I am wondering:

"Who are these people they come here taked our land?"

But then I have it, my answer, huh.

They are heroes.


These men... they putted their life on the line for us.

One of them, he even saved my life.

This tan guy here with the wet tits.

But we hate Americans! I hear you. I hear you.

But I have to tell you... if these gentlemen are an example of what it means to be American...

I'm okay.

Then I am proud to be an American too.

All right. I am. I'm proud to be American.

So, we're leaving to start our station up north.

But I say with great confidence that we couldn't leave you in better hands than in those of the Vermont Highway Patrol.

How does it feel to be the coolest motherfucker on this planet?

You tell me, buddy. You tell me.


Uh, yeah. Excuse me.

Hold on.

Actually, I'm here to tell you that the U.S. and Canadian governments have decided to postpone the turnover until the rest of the hidden contraband is found.

So, wait.

Are we Canadians or are we Americans?

You're still Canadians for now.

And that's going to continue indefinitely.


Okay, so we are now in control of this area again, eh?

No, no. We both have authority.

You got the authority to go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut.

Hey, we just saved your lives, you remember that?

We have an expression here.

It go, "What have you done for me lately?"

Yeah, maybe we'll haul your ass back out to the woods naked.

Or maybe we could burn down your White House again! Eh?

What the hell does that mean?

The War of 1812, eh. Learn your history.

Oh! You punched the mustache right off his face!

No, no, no! Look, he's wearing a postiche, eh!

You shut up about his postiche, come on!

What do you got?

Cat in a tree.

Ah, yeah.

Hey, Fred Savage.

How's it going? Macintyre Womack.

Oh, pleasure to meet you, Officer.

Carl Foster.

Nice to meet you. Fred.

So, what's with the ride-along? You got a cop movie coming out?

Uh, no, it's actually a new show for the Syfy Channel.

Kind of a small-town alien invasion show called Vermonsters.

Oh! I'd see that.

So, do you guys spend a lot of time getting, um, cats out of trees?

Is that kinda the job?

No, we get the call and then we call the Fire Department.

They get the damn thing out. Oh.

Could I actually trouble you for a quick selfie?

I'm a big Princess Bride fan.

Yes. My pleasure.

That was my "get laid movie" in high school.

Oh! You're welcome.


Holy shit!

Did you get it? Nailed it.

Fred fuckin' Savage, huh?

Uh, yes. That's me. He's right here! Look at him!

Yeah, we know. How are ya?

You still with Winnie?

Uh, no, no. Just a... just a show, man.

I call sloppy seconds! Okay, great.

I think I'm gonna get the cat. I'm gonna get the cat.

Mr. Savage, we can't let you do that, because, you know, well, we're responsible for your safety.

Don't worry about it. I'm an expert climber.

Remember the movie Super Monkey?


I did all my own stunts in that movie.

I'm good with the trees.


Look at him go. Wow.

I can see it! I got the cat.

Take it easy, Mr. Savage.

I thought Super Monkey sucked.

Yeah. And the monkeys were so fuckin' fake.

A.O. Scott said the plot was bananas. Hey, buddy.

Hey, you know, I can hear you guys.

Alright, you should try acting in a movie and doing your own stunts. It's really hard!

Sure. All right, don't be dicks.


Did you see that shit?!

Any of you motherfuckers want some pussy?

What's up?!

You reach for your ticket book.

I got ya. Okay.

'Scuse me. Sorry. Sorry.

Don't worry about it. Hold that for me.

- Here we go. Ready? Yeah.


I can't believe it's a crime down in the U.S. to drink beer and enjoy tits and dick.

I mean, beep beep! There's no harm there.

I mean... There's no harm there.

It's a good workout, eh.

Cut. I could do that all night.

I know...

And action!


That's how easy it is.

Oh! Jesus Christ. Motherfucker.

What do we got, till lunch? We got till lunch?



Which one of you guys has a, le, a le seniority?

You got to blow those cheeks out.


I think I have some of your mustache in my mouth.

Where's your asshole?

It's right about... right there.

Just follow the heat.

First you steal our job and now you sit here getting a sensual massage from a chair in the center of the mall with our women.

Can you shorten that?

No, that's the only way I can say it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Jeez Louise.

Now I know who gobbled up all my Lava Scotia.

Uh, Flova Scotia.

Now I know who gobbled up all my Flava Scotia.

Uh, Flo, uh, Flova. Flova. God damn it.

All my Flava Scotia.

All my Flava Scotia. Flova.

I'm gonna get it. Nova. Flova.

Now I know who gobbled up all my Flava Scotia.

Close? No. Not really.

What about this?! What about this, huh?!

Didn't we do that to like a skinny blond guy with a big forehead?

Smelled like bacon?

Always yakking about Hot Pockets?

That was me.

You asked if I saw you jumping around all mimbly bimbly...

You asked if I saw you jumping around all nimby, ni...

All nibbily-bimbly.

Sorry, what... It's nimbly-bimbly.

Come on, Gaffigan!


Bon vivant bouillabaisse, croissant, le chicken cordon bleu?

Eh, that's a little much.

This one says "Tiger Penis". Suck it!

Shut up, Farva. Sorry. It's just funny.


What the shit, Guy?

Why you tell us they are the smuggler...

Sorry, I'm sorry.

Uh... Eh...

All right. All right. Here we go, here we go.

Just gotta find it. Yeah, I got it.


Uh... Eh...

Sorry. I'm totally... Okay, okay.

Hey, cut it.