Support Your Local Gunfighter (1971) Script

That's kissing!

More champagne!



Give the boys another 20 bucks.

When you start running low, holler.

There's more where that came from, isn't that right, girls?

Yes! Oh, yeah! -Yeah!

And open up a bottle for yourselves, too.

It ain't every day when Goldie opens a new joint in Denver And gets married to boot.

Wish we could get off the train with you.

That's one wedding I'd like to see.

Sure would.

I wish you could too, boys.

Isn't that right, girls?

Yeah! -Yeah!

Did you ever see..

,,such a bunch of beautiful bridesmaids your whole damn life?

Penny for your thoughts, Lat.

They ain't worth it.

I was just thinking better get some sleep.

We got a busy day in Denver tomorrow.

% A busy wedding day %

% Ah dee dah %

% Dah dah-dah dah %


Ah, good night, baby.

What's the next stop? Purgatory.


Mm-hmm. Mining town. It ain't much.

Well, wake me when we get to Purgatory.

Just me. Not miss Goldie.

Yes, sir.

Midnight on time, Ez?

See what I'm writing?

Midnight on time, Ez?

I don't know, mr. Barton, But it seems high class to write down that she is.

Don't look like you're wearing a gun under that coat.


Heard of a man gettin' into trouble minding his own business, Ez?

Mind my own business, how? I sent the telegram.

Telegrams are supposed to be private!

From the telegrapher?

I sure would feel better with weight on my hip, pa.

If that party mentioned in the telegram is on the midnight, You best be unarmed.

I said to mind--

The sidewinder!

Your sister's name is Patience.


Stay out of this, pa!

What are you doing?

I'm teaching them jackass miners a lesson!

Give me that gun!

I keep telling you not to shoot at people!

They had it coming!

One of them said something vile. He said...

"Does your mother know you're out, Cecilia?"

You consider that grounds for shooting up the whole town?

I knew what he meant!

I sure don't!

They're trying to ruin my good name.

I've sworn I'm going back east To miss Hunter's college on the Hudson river, New York, For young ladies of good family, And nothing's stopping me!

Except maybe you killed somebody!

I only shoot at riffraff.

You shot at us. I missed you.

Couldn't hit a bull's ass with a banjo.

Smart mouth! Hit him, pa.

I'd hit you first. Take her home, Oriville.

Don't you order me! You heard me! Home!

No stopping by the chinaman's for a beer!

She gets mean when she drinks!

How come you ever did call that girl Patience?


Can hear her a long way off when the wind's right.

Ain't enough late to make it worthwhile changing the board.

Sounds downright peaceful, don't it?

Calm before the storm, If that certain party's onboard.



We'll say we know you didn't get off at Purgatory.

We don't know where you got off, But we know it wasn't Purgatory.

Don't open up, boys. Nothing but mail for Purgatory.

No passengers getting off here.

Be bad manners to call the conductor a liar, so let's not.

No sense opening up.

Nobody's getting off at Purgatory.

Evening. Or morning, rather. It's 1:00 in the morning.

I got a watch.

Just get off the train?

Did you ever hear of an eagle picking up a grown man and

..carrying him cross-country?

I can't say that I have.

Well, you have now. I come by eagle.

That's him.

If I had my rifle, I could nail him between the shoulders.

That's murder. So.

It might be the wrong man.

Got to be him-- big, mean, and ugly, And sneaking off the train.

He gets a room, we ask him questions at the hotel.

Good. Let's wait in the chinaman's back room.

Pa, she's going to get her another beer.

So am I!

Can't you read?

That sign says, "take a key. Go to bed."

That sign?

Go to bed.

Sign must've gotten a few strays.

We got lots of shooting in this town.

Here. Register.

Your handle and your hometown.

Already did.


Is that your real name? Not that I'm nosy.

Give me a room.

Aw, keep your shirt on.

Ooh, say, that's real silk, isn't it?

You must be rich.


Well what? You rich?

Not that I'm curious.

Is there another hotel in this town?

Aw, keep your shirt on-- your silk shirt.

Ha ha ha ha! That's a good one.

Ha ha!

Come on.

Ha ha! O.k.

Ha ha!

Just as good a service As in the Palmer House in Chicago.

Come on.

Watch your step here.

Turn right. Come on Up at the top of the stairs.

Ha ha! Your silk shirt!

If you hear a lot of screaming, don't pay no heed.

One of the miners has delirium tremens every now and then.

His name's Smith, too.

Ha ha! Maybe you're related.

Ha ha ha ha!

There's 2 ways you can have the windows-- or closed.

Closed is hot.

Open, there's flies eat you alive.

Let me help you unpack.

Never mind.

Oh, no trouble. No trouble at all.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

What's them?

Grabbed the wrong suitcase.

What are these things?

That's a kewpie doll.

I won one once at the state fair

...time I went to Denver.

And got rolled by some floozy.

Shut up.

Stop it!

Let's go ask Martha Perkins about this man.

Got change for a $100?

No, I haven't.

I'll get change and pay you when I get back.

Patience Barton, you get away from there!

I could tell by that stupid face He wouldn't have any imagination. Smith.

You couldn't expect him to go round signing

..his own name in his business.

Aah! Patience Barton, You give me my key back!


Want to buy a pair of spurs?

No. I wonder if--

They've hardly been used. Lots of wear left in them.

Outlast a dozen horses.

I don't ride.

This town got a doctor?

Big husky fella like you, What you need a doctor for?

I figured I'd tell the doctor that. if I tell u.., ...I'd get tired of repeating it.

Now, this town got a doctor?

I don't know what I'll tell the man When he sees this suitcase.

You'll put something together.

He might have secret compartments.

I've been through it 3 times.

I told you, he got the wrong suitcase.

I'm telling you, the man got the wrong suitcase.

Hey! Pa, make him let go!

I got him! I got him, pa!

You promise to marry that girl Or something of the sort Not even something of the sort.

I don't know the lady.

We was standing by the saloon.

She come walking by.

I said, "does your mother know you're out, Cecilia?"

Kind of witty-like?

Thought she'd blow us to kingdom come.

You never seen so many fast-leaving cowboys.

Guess she just likes to shoot people.

Well, seems to be all clear.

Where'd you say that doctor was?

You know, I still don't see what a big healthy fella--

He's probably shooting pool in the back of the saloon.

At 1 a.m.?

It's a real upside-down town.

With 3 shifts of miners Coming on and off work all day long.

He answers to Doc Schultz.


You're sure you don't want to buy the spurs?


Hey, uh...

Cowboy's got to be pretty down To be willing to sell his horse irons.

My horse went first. Then my saddle.

But I'm sober now, And what I got left is these here spurs And a mighty empty belly.

Oh, well. Here.

Here, you-- you eat on me, huh?

Thanks, friend.

Name's Jug. Jug May.

Uh, Latigo Smith. Now, you enjoy your food.

I can't thank you enough.

Don't cry. Money is the least of my troubles.

Let's see...

$100! Mister, you gave--

I ain't ever even seen one.

Ha ha ha ha!

I ain't never even seen a hundred--

If I hadn't been hurried, I could've gotten him right between the eyes!

You sure don't take after your poor sainted mother.

I hate this town and if I don't get back east To miss Hunter's college for young ladies of good family I'm going to hate it a whole lot more...

And everybody in it!

You ain't exactly loved by one and all around here, either!

That's enough.

Can't you do anything with her?

This is a family matter!

I'll thank you to stay out of it!

Come along, Oriville.

18 Black and even. Everybody wins again.

Care to place a little bet, sir?

You looking for trouble, mister?

No, sir.

Do I look dimwitted enough to play that game?

Against house rules to answer that kind of question.

Howdy. Do you play pocket billiards, sir?

Not now. You Doc Schultz?

Says so on my license.

Toss me that piece of chalk? Thank you.

If a man tells his lawyer He killed a gent or 2, The lawyer can't tell anybody, can he?

Don't see that concerns me any, but you're right.

Relationship between counsel and client is sacred.

Same with a doctor, ain't it?

A doctor can't tell anybody what anybody's got.

You must have a very interesting disease.

It's worth $500 to you.

Getting more interesting by the minute.

Of course, I'll have to blow your head off if you tell.

I ain't never seen a case of leprosy.

If that's what you got, I wouldn't know.

It ain't leprosy, but can't we go someplace...

..where we could be alone?

Well, that sounds like a sound idea.

My office is right up the street there.

Going to change your mind about making a bet?

Only idiots play roulette.

Do I look like an idiot?

No, sir.

Don't you forget it!

Fire in the hole!

What the hell was that?

Third shift.

Third shift?

1st and 2nd generally set the dynamite charge and fuses.

3rd does the blasting.

Sometimes it goes on all night.

You'll get used to it Come on.

Purgatory sits smack on top of 2 mines.

Taylor Barton owns one, Colonel Ames the other.

Been fighting each other trying to tunnel to the mother lode For 2 years now. The mother lode?

Dead center of town, according to them geologist fellas.

Like building a railroad, coming from east and west--

First to arrive gets to drive the golden spike.

And the other one gets the shaft.

Gets the shaft.


Hyah! Hyah!

She shoots at people, too.

Nicest girl in town.

I sure am curious about that ailment of yours.

This is your office?

I doctor pack mules, too.

Got a pain in the ass, come see Doc Schultz.

That's better now.


What's your problem?

Well, Doc, uh...

You promise you won't tell anybody, huh?

On my hippocratic oath.

In all my born days...

I was drunk at the time.

I could've guessed that.

Where's the young lady now?

Never mind.

Can you take her off, Doc?

You mentioned $500.


Well, if I ever knewed anything about tattooing, I've forgotten it.

I'll have to read up on the subject.

You'll be around?

Long enough to get this off. Then I'll be long gone.

You running away from the lady?

Of course not. But if she should show up, You haven't seen me, huh?

How would I know her?

She's got a lot of this gold-colored hair.

She's got a lot of everything, But mostly she's got a lot of this gold-colored hair.

What do I do, Doc?

Come see me in a couple of days. Give me time to read up.

You're the, uh, doctor.

Just a minute, I'd like to speak to you.

I don't know you and see no reason to start.

I want to offer you very profitable employment.

I'm in business for myself.


Yeah! Who is that fella?

None of your business. And speaking of business, You mine owners are a despicable lot.

You hire people to kill people, And other people hire people to kill your people.

Then you go elsewhere with your medical business, I have to doctor jackasses to make ends meet.

Now, beat it. I got business.

Ever been told you've got a rotten bedside manner?

Out! And you talk too much!

I can't understand you.

Like to place a bet?

Sorry, I didn't know it was--

Ask me that again, I'll put a pleat in your skull.

Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.



I'd write it down, but I don't figure you could read it.

Sody pop.

Don't hardly anybody ever want soda pop.

Don't you drink?

Only to be sociable.

And I don't feel sociable right now.



Idiots playing roulette.

Oh. Some people like it.

Suckers. And the worst kind of suckers.

House got all the best of it.

They ought to take all the roulette dealers out...

...and string them up.

House got 8% the best of it, Even if the wheel is straight, and it ain't.

The house got 8% the best of it.

8%. That means that 1 out of every 12 times, The house takes your money, and you haven't got a chance.

Anybody who plays roulette, oughta have their head examined.

Ought to just take them out and lock them up.

They ought to burn all the roulette wheels.

$4,600. On number 23.

I can't take that kind of money.

4,600 on 23.


Boss, this fella just bet 4,600 on number 23.

Spin her.

Number 22. The man loses.

Just comes over me every so often.

Nothing I can do about it.

Number 23 just pulls at me.

Well...they say money isn't everything.

Is if a man's hungry.

Yeah. That reminds me--I'm hungry.

How much you got left of that $100 I gave you?

None. None.

Well, I ate up $20 of it.

Bought a gal some wine. She had a sick mother in--

Gave her the money?

Seemed like the thing to do. You idiot. Don't you know That's the surest way to make an enemy of a woman, Giving her money?

I learned that long ago.

Well... Let's take a walk.

Need the air and time to think.

About that job I want you to do--

I told you not to bother me, mister.

The man said something about a job.

I don't like to work. Tires me out.

How we going to eat if we don't work?


Sort of figured we'd ride together.

Ride? Horses?

Yeah. I told you I don't ride.

I'm a train man.

At least carriages.

Man's got to be numb on both ends To earn his living sitting on a horse.

I just don't like horses.

That's close to treason in these parts.


Lively place.

This is a 2-shaft town. Only one of them works full time.

Half the jackass miners is drinking--

A woman run that saloon?


Does a woman run that saloon?

Miss Jenny.

You still got them spurs you tried to sell me?

Give them to me.

You threw one away.

Did just that.

Open up another table.

Miss Jenny?

That's right.

I brought you this...

From Slim.

What is this, a joke?

Ma'am, I rode over 300 miles to bring you that spur.

This is hardly a joking matter, Poor boy dying.

Just me and him out there on the prairie all alone.

Wolves howling off in the distance.

"Lat," he said to me, "There's nothing I got left except this one spur.

"I want you to take it to my only true love miss Jenny."

I knew who he was talking about right off.

All those lonely nights on the trail.

He hardly talked about anything but you.

And what a heart of gold you had.

I kind of remember.

There must've been a Slim.

Oh, bartender, give this gentleman a drink.

Yes, ma'am.

Is he with you?

Yes, ma'am, I am. My name is Jug May.

Give them both a drink, and I'll have one.

Now, about this Slim...

He was in love with me, is that it?

Ma'am, there was never a truer love nor nobler.

The minute I laid eyes on you, I could understand why the boy felt that way.

Yes, I can understand.

"Miss Jenny," he said, "She's not like other women."

He said that real often.

"Now, miss Jenny, she's...

"She's kind and generous to a fault

"And would give a man her last dime."

You sure you're not lying to me?

May I be struck down in my tracks and--

You all right?

If that's the 3rd shift, I am.

Sorry. Sometimes it comes without warning.

Now, getting back to-- to Slim.

He really said those nice things about me?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

Even dying, he said all them nice things And more.

Oh, I'm touched.

Not as much as you're gonna be.

There's a name for a man like that.

Morning, Patience.

Good morning.

Looks nice. Thank you.

Try this.

Oh, I like it.

We'll take this one.

You sure got good taste in picking hats, Just like everything else.

It'll embarrass me you paying.

Maybe you better let me have the money.

Stand there and be embarrassed.

I'll pay the man.

Boy, have you got brass.


Asking a woman for money like that.

You think that's wrong?

The way I was brung up.

A woman brought you up, didn't she?


You see?

I mean, it ain't generally done.

Did you ever know a woman to show any slowness at all In asking you for money?

No, now that I think about it.

I just made one mistake, though--

Asking her in the daylight.

Come across much easier at night.



You buying yourself a new hat?

The lady's buying him one.

Will it make or break your day If I do or don't buy a hat, stranger?

I don't want to be a stranger to you.

My name's Colorado.

Colorado McGee.

You sound like you expected I should've heard of you.

Well, I never have, so what do you want?

Are you as fast as they say you are, Swifty?

What'd you call me?


I'll call you mr. Morgan, if you like, But I'm going out to wait for you to come out.

And if you don't, Me and everybody else in town Will call you a yellow dog.


You catch on.

Well, you just go on out there.

I'll be out on the count of 10.

You hit that fella from behind.

Just as hard as I could.

Better get me one of those irons over there.

What's that gunfighter got against you?

I never saw him before in my life.

Oh, miss Jenny, I'm sorry that a well-brought-up lady like you Had to see a thing like this.

Let's go to the hotel, and you can lay down.

Lat, from the way this fella's wearing his gun, Looks like he's left-handed.

It was his right trigger finger you busted.

Miss Jenny, would you, uh...

Turn your head, please?

Give me the iron.

If I'd known you'd send this pipsqueak Against Swifty Morgan--

Mr. Barton, I can't help it--

Don't take offense, lad.

You've never killed anybody outside of this county.

You're just local stuff.

Swifty Morgan is known from Canada to the mexican border.

If you've got a better idea, let's have it.

Buy this Swifty Morgan.

But Colonel Ames already bought Morgan.

All gunfighters have a price.

They're a low order of humanity. Real lice.

Look here, mr. Barton--

Shut up!

We offer Morgan...

...enough money to double-cross Colonel Ames.

That sounds good.

How can you be sure that Colonel Ames sent for Swifty Morgan?

I know what goes on in the Colonel's house.

He's sparking the Colonel's old maid sister, that's how.

You young--

I seen you out bicycle-riding With his sister on the handlebars.

You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, Acting like that at your age.

You ought to set examples for young people, Instead of carrying on like a randy old goat, Her looking like a winterkill persimmon.

Get him out of here.


Get out.

All I can say is I'd hang my head in shame Was I kin to you, mr. Old goat Barton.


I figure we can hire Swifty Morgan away from Colonel Ames For $5,000.

That's a lot of money.

We'll lose more If we don't get to the mother lode first.

We'll never get there if we don't go back and start digging!

As treasurer of the company, This calls for a meeting of the board of directors.

We're the board of directors!

I move that we spend the 5,000.


You can't second the motion. You're chairman of the board.

There is parliamentary procedure.

Colonel Ames isn't worried about procedure.

He's got four gunmen on top of our mine Keeping us out.

He'll keep us out till we take the bull by the horns--

And start fighting fire with fire.


Colonel Ames.

Walks like he owns the town.

He will, if we don't hire Swifty Morgan.

Last time I wore that dress Was at the governor's ball 20 years ago.

And this hat, There wasn't a man or bird dog in Purgatory Didn't point at me when I walked down the street.

You think I look like a lady of the evening?

What's a lady of the evening?

Miss Abigail, you do lead a sheltered life.

Can I pass for a girl at miss Jenny's place?

You mean a dance-hall girl?

Dance-hall girl.

I've never seen one.

They go carriage-riding past your window every day.

I keep the shades drawn when they do.

Where will I put this?

There's room back--

What on earth?

I'm going to do some blasting.

In Jenny's place?

In Jenny's place.

You're not getting yourself in trouble?

No, but I know somebody who is.

Oh, wait.

For you know who.

Miss Abigail, why are you so dead set On marrying my pa?

He ain't smart, and he snores something awful.

Don't be indelicate, my dear.

Your father has characteristics that you don't recognize, And also such a marriage Would give my dear brother apoplexy, Rot his soul.


Speak of the devil.

The servants tell me the daughter of that horrid Taylor Barton Has sneaked into this house.

Open up!

She's not in here, brother, And stop banging on that door!

I insist that you open this door!

Oh, very well.


I will be when you stop sneaking off with Taylor Barton And riding that damn bicycle.

We haven't been riding in over a week.

Taylor's got a flat.

He'll have more than that.

You touch one hair on his head--

One gray hair. He's an old man.

There's snow on the roof, but there's fire--


Have you no shame, woman?

Well, what about you, Keeping Taylor's workers out of the mine?

How else will I get to the mother lode before he does?

His shaft is right in town.

I have to tunnel twice as far.

That doesn't give you the--

I'm talking about getting to that gold before--

Gold! That's all you ever think of!

All Taylor Barton thinks about Is courting you to spy on me.

And I tell him everything he wants to know.

He's using you, Abigail.

He sure is.

Morning. Morning.

Who are you?

I'm the new girl.

You is?

I got in this morning from Frisco.

In fact, that's my name, Frisco.

Well, it's nice work.

It has its ups and downs, but it is nice work.

Beat it.

Put 'em up.

What are you gonna do with that?

Kill you.

With that?

I'm a rotten shot and getting awful tired of missing you Why are you shooting at me in the first place?

So I could go to miss Hunter's college For young ladies of good family. Now put 'em up.

Why put my hands up for that?

I don't feel right about killing you in bed.

Could you try and grab me?

Then I'd get mad and light the fuse.

It's your Christian duty to tell me why you're blowing me up.

The mine.

The mine?

If my pa don't get to the mother lode before Colonel Ames, Then we won't have any money, And I can't go to miss Hunter's college. Understand?

No, but what's all that got to do with me?

Don't play the innocent, mr. Swifty Morgan.

You know Colonel Ames sent for you.

You think I'm the famous Swifty Morgan?

Keep it up. You're getting me angry.

If I get angry, I'll light this--

I don't want to do that, but I'm not Swifty Morgan.

Liar! My pa is sparking Colonel Ames' old maid sister.

She told him Colonel Ames sent for you, Morgan.

What's this, a holdup?

Show the lady the inside of one of those boots.

The inside of the boots.

I had those boots made in amarillo a year ago.

Look inside.

Go on, look.

"Latigo Smith."

$60 Boots. A man certainly would have his right name in them.

You probably took them off some poor fella you shot.

Why, you're the Barton girl.

What you doing in here?

Your sainted mother, one of the nicest ladies To sew for the baptists.

Down the back stairs with you. Come on.

You have not seen the last of me yet, mr. Swifty Morgan!

Hello, ladies' man. Ha ha ha!

"I love Goldie."

I warned you about that.

Not to mention it to anybody else.

I've studied up on tattooing.

I can do the job for you, but in easy stages.

Take a couple weeks.

Whatever you say.

Doc, does that 500 have to be in cash?

Well, miss Jenny's certainly got 500, But then she's had experience with men like you.

What do you mean, men like me?

Give you anything except cash money, huh?

There's one thing that don't change about women.

That's the fact that they're changeable.

Where'd you learn so much about women?

I worked at it.

Hello, Patience.

What's wrong with him, Doc?

You know a doc can't talk about his patients, Patience.

Doc, we're the only friends we got in this scurvy town.

What would happen if we got mad at each other?

He just got a little trouble with the chest.


He looks strong as a horse.

You've taken a disliking to him.

I hate professional gunslingers.

Him, a gunslinger?

That's Swifty Morgan.

I just started taking a liking to him.

I'd had him shot by now If pa hadn't taken my Winchester away from me.

Patience, stop shooting at people.

If you wasn't such a bad shot, There wouldn't be a young man alive in Purgatory.

I heard you shot at Elmer Price yesterday.

He asked me to marry him.

That's reason enough to shoot him?

Doc, you've seen Elmer?


Morning, Doc.

Uh, morning, Elmer.

Mr. Morgan.

What'd you call me?

We know you're Swifty Morgan.

We have a proposition for you.

We want you to double-cross Colonel Ames.

There's $5,000 in it.

Now, look, I--




So think I'm Swifty Morgan.

I look to you like the best gunman in the whole southwest.

Knew right away.

That sharp, hawk-like gaze, Way you stand.

Well, I hate to say this, But that's Swifty.

Uh, Swifty...

Come over here.

Come on. Come over here.

These gentlemen know who you are.

There's no use denying it.


Now that that's settled, Swifty would appreciate it if you didn't bandy his name about.

He's modest, Swifty is.

These gentlemen have a proposition.

I suppose it's all right if I handle the business details.

Go ahead andinish your game while I talk to these gentlemen.

It's all right. Go ahead.

Keen eye.

Killed 5o, they say.


32 To be exact.

Now, suppose you spread your cards on the table And the cash.

The cash is in my safe.

And it's best if we aren't seen together too much.

You slip out and bring the money to my room In 15 minutes.


You called me Swifty.

That's short for Swifty Morgan.

That's who they think you are.

And they're willing to pay to back up that mistaken idea.

I'm supposed to pretend I'm Swifty Morgan?


They're willing to pay.

How much?


We'll split it 50/50.

That means 400 for you.

Seems fair.

But I think that-- no, no, you don't.

That's the deal. I think, You stand around and look tough.

Stop that.

I told you you're not to reach for that gun no matter what.

Somebody spits in your eye, Somebody casts doubts on your mother, You refer the matter to me.

If I'm supposed to be Swifty Morgan, I've got my reputation to consider.

I've got me to consider.


If you start thinking, the deal's off.

No $400.

I'm getting better.

You watch.

Comes to gunfighting, you'll never last.

Sure you ain't fast?

No. I'm slow.

It's just... You're even slower.

They come sneaking in, looking at the register, Trying to find mr. Smith.

I tried to tell them I got four Smiths.

Thank you, mrs. Perkins.

We wouldn't want to keep you from your work.

I suppose, the way they sneak in, That you're another gunfighter That these stupid miners keep hiring around here.

I suppose they're hiring you So you can shoot some other mother's son, Then some other mother's son can shoot you.

Martha, unhinge your jaw and depart.

You see now why I demand my rent In advance every day?

Another Smith.

More of them coming all the time, Getting themselves killed off.

The money?

Swifty in there?

Yes. The money?

Before we talk to mr. Morgan, A little superstition of his.

He leaves money matters to me.

I thank you not to mention anything about the transaction.

Uh, sorry. Didn't mean to startle you, Swifty.

That was close.

Don't ever come up on my blind side like that.

No, sir, mr. Morgan.

That's close enough. What do you want?

I came to see the killings.

What killings?

You, for one, and those others.

It should be quite a show.

There's four of you and one of Swifty Morgan.

I thought Morgan was on our side.

There's been some changes made.

Morgan, he took the Colonel's money, And then took money from the other mine owners.

Don't sound like fair dealings to me, But you fellas will teach him That honesty's the best policy.

You all look like mighty brave men.

When's he coming, this Swifty Morgan?

Well, he should be along here any minute.

Here he comes.

You boys stay here. I'll slip in behind him.

I'll go with you.

Hey, wait for us.

They ran away, mr. Morgan.

They ran when they heard you were coming.

Act like you're disappointed.

Ran away, did they?

Well, I'm sure disappointed.

They went thataway. You can catch them.

I'll just let them go.

They learned their lesson.

I'm a peaceable fellow, really...

Unless I'm riled.

Yeah. Bravo.

Here's mr. Barton.

You did it, mr. Morgan!

I said, "that boy's more than the stupid cowhand he looks like."

And I heard that.

Three cheers for Swifty Morgan, Who saved this town from that octopus Colonel Ames!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray!

Well, what are we waiting for?

Gentlemen, start your jackasses!

Let's go to work!


I'll see you around.

Where you going?

To get something off my chest.

What if those four fellas come...back?

Don't crowd my gun side.

How long has he been like that?

Ever since he heard there'd be a gunfight.

Can't stand the sight of blood.

Come on, Doc, drink her down.

Don't you think he's had enough?

It's his own remedy.

We keep it here in case he's needed when he's drunk.

Drink it down, will you, Doc?

That no life lives forever...

That dead men rise up never...

And even the weariest river...

Winds somewhere safe to sea.

Boys, put him in my bed. as good as new in a couple hours, Then he can take care of you.

Say, what is this strange sickness you got?

You mind my asking?

Just enough to bust you in the mouth if you ask again.

Oh, evening, Elmer.


Silver dollars, Charlie.

And a pink lady.

Hear tell Taylor Barton's Going to throw a big wingding at the mine tomorrow night.

Going to have dance-hall gals, music, the works.

That's how I ruined the best Colt .45 I ever had.

Man started talking to me when I didn't want to be talked to.

Bent the barrel over his head.

Excuse me.

16 red and even.

The ball rolls.

Place your bets, sir.

14 Red and even.

Place your bets, sir.

All bets down.

6 Black, even.


He just bet $4,600 on number 23!

Spin her!


You missed one.

That post there, you missed it.

Why don't you get married?

Keep you off the streets.

You can go right ahead.

I know how you feel.

I do the same thing often.

Beat your head against posts?

Not posts so much.

Mostly it's the walls in my room.

Sometimes it's a tree. Occasionally a rock.

You play roulette?

No. It's on account of this town.

Sometimes I get to feeling I'll never get out of here.

I just want to curl up and die.

I want to beat my head against something.

You don't like this town?

Do you?

I don't like anything west of Riverside Drive.

Where's that?

New York city.

On the Hudson river?

I was born and raised there.

Tell me about it.

Tell you what about it?


Well, let's see.

They don't carry guns.

They got a cop on every street corner To keep people from shooting one another.

And, uh...

They don't ride horses.

No, they got carriages and streetcars and...

I think I'm getting homesick.

Me, too.

You've never even been there.

Well, I'm homesick for it.

I don't understand how you could leave there To come out here to this damn rotten west.

My mother's fault.

Your mother? Yeah.

"Go west, young man," she said.

Said it a thousand times.

I'd always been told A boy's best friend was his mother, So here I am.

Frisco, Dodge, Lodestone, Denver.

Sure wish I was back there though.

I thought you came west for your health.

My health?

Well, you know, your chest.

My chest?

Doc told me about it.

He did?

We're real close friends.

He wouldn't have told anybody else.

You and Doc better not tell anybody else, Or I'll...

I'll kill Doc.

You won't have another friend here.

Why are you so sensitive?

They do?

Sure. A lot of people Come out west for weak chests.

You don't cough as much as most do.

No. No, I don't--

Fire in the hole.

Would, uh...

Would you like to take a walk, miss Patience?


Are you sure the night air Wouldn't be bad for your, um...

Not bad at all.

No, no, not bad at all.

Sure is romantic, ain't it?

Yeah, yeah, it sure is.



That, um...

Thing you have, Is that contagious?

I mean, uh...

Could I catch it from you?

No, no.

Not unless you, uh...

No, you couldn't even catch it even then.


Oh, I never thought I'd get to kiss a man Who'd actually been to New York city.

In person. New York city!


Did you hear bells?



I don't know what miss Abigail sees in pa.

He's as dull as dishwater.

Good night, sweet prince.

Good evening, sweet prince.

It ain't good manners To spy on people, Colonel.

I suppose it's good manners For you to pay clandestine attention to my sister.

My intentions are nothing If not honorable.

We share the same ancestors As far back as Adam and Eve.

I desire no closer relationship To you than that.

Take him inside.

My pa gets killed, I'll never get back east To miss Hunter's college in New York For young ladies of good family.

On top of which, he'll be dead.

I see a situation here Where an honest man could make a dollar.

Come on. Where you going?

Among my other bad habits, I'm a peeping Tom.

Stop it! Get your hands off!

She kicks like a mule.

Taylor! Oh, my darling, What are they doing to you?

Nothing so far.

What we do depends on you.

Ooh, I wish I hadn't Bought you that book on Napoleon!

Colonel, this is ridiculous!

Indeed it is...

But not for long, Because one of two things is going to happen.

First, you're going to get your workers Out of the ground And promise never to see my sister again, Or second...

The other thing is going to happen.

What other thing?

My boys will take you out In a swamp and put a bullet through your head.

That's murder!

I studied law Of course it's murder.

What are you going to do?

I'll save your father's life And make an honest dollar. he was such a nice man and...

I wish I'd never given you that book Five years ago Christmas!

Where do you think you're going?

In there.

Well, you ain't.

How will you stop me?

Like this.

Let me give you some advice, My ugly friend.

That's Swifty Morgan's, pal.

Sorry, I didn't know who you was.

Excuse me, will you, mister?




Your window was open over there.

I couldn't help overhearing all the jabber You folks were tossing back and forth.

I'll tell you what's going to happen.

Light me.

Me and Swifty Morgan, We're going to take over this little trouble That you miners are having.

The way I see it, The race to the mother lode Is just that-- a race.

Yeah, me and Swifty, We're going to be around Just to see that everything Is run fair...

And square.

Now let me get this straight.

You and this Swifty Morgan, By the power of Swifty's gun, Are going to tell us What we can and cannot do.

Long-winded way of saying it, But that's about it.

You're laughing.

I just thought of something very funny.

You agreeing or what?

I don't see what else I can do...

For the moment.

What about miss Abigail and pa?

You won't let the Colonel separate them?

Me and Swifty stand in favor of love.

You're laughing again.

Don't you think you ought to Let the rest of us in on it?

In due time, young man.

In due time.

Good morning. Morning.

I been up all night worrying.

What about? Swifty Morgan.

What if he finds out I been pretending to be him And comes looking for me?

That ain't going to happen.

What if it does?

Jug, you let me worry about Swifty Morgan.

Butcher. Yes, sir?

I wonder what would happen If, during that big wingding Taylor Barton's throwing at the mine tonight, One of those dynamite jackasses Was unloaded in an elevator And accidentally blew up.

The shaft would cave in.

It would take a little time To dig it out, wouldn't it?

Probably hold up operations in the mine For a week.

Maybe more.

What if Swifty Morgan catches us?

You let me worry about Swifty Morgan.

Good morning.

Oh, good morning.

You have to wait, senor Latigo.

This gentleman is first.

No hurry. No hurry.

You have much sadness in your face, senor.

Just stop to think...

It always gets darkest just before the storm.

On the other hand, When it rains, it pours.

Every cloud got a silver lining.

Troubles never come singly.

You going to shave me or not?

Si, senor.

Squeaky wheel always gets the...



Oh! Oh!

If you aren't a sight for sore eyes!

This calls for a celebration.

A bottle of champagne, Frank!

Private stock.

Sit down.

What you doing in town, dearie?

I'm looking for a man.

The woods is full of them, The mines are full of them, And the lone prairie Is lousy with cowpokes.

So take your choice.

This one was very special.

Here's to us.

Where is this man?

I don't know.

That's the trouble.

He run out on you?

That or he got misplaced.

It's hard to misplace them.

This one was special, huh?

Bottled in bond.


The best.

I have one answers the same description.

From the minute he walked into my place Carrying a spur--


Just one.

He says, "ma'am, I brung this a long way..."

"from Slim!

"Tall boy from Texas.

"Lies out there on the prairie

"With your name on his lips!"

How did you know?

He said the same thing to me.

Goldie, your man is my man!

They're one and the same!

You mean he's here in Purgatory?

Let's think of a nice, clean way To get him murdered.


It's him!

It's my Lat.

Let's keep the record straight.

I'm not your Lat.

I'm neither one's Lat.

I'm sorry if I caused you grief.

Sorry I took your money, But I'm going to tell you something about love.

Love don't work unless both people give.

You gotta give till it hurts.



Fire in the hole!

What's going on?



Oh, Lat.

Boy, I tell you, Latigo, I just get plumb sick When I think about how the sidewinder

..almost bushwhacked you When you first come to town.

Not to mention hitting you with that there chair.

You hear that music?

People's just dancing in the streets Over what you done for this town.

A man should spread happiness As he walks through life--ow!

You're as good as new now.

Thanks a lot, Doc.

I got drunk last night To get up enough nerve to tell you something I should've told you from the start.

I was going to put jackass liniment on your chest, Make you sting, Make you think that damn tattoo was coming off, But when Patience got involved--


I couldn't cheat the man she was going to marry.


The sidewinder?

That's what she told me.

Well, she told you wrong.



The sidewinder?


I thought I ought to see you Face to face.

I hope it didn't hurt too much When I hit you with the chair I'm all right.

The doc just said so.

I just couldn't help feeling the way I did.

I understand.

What if we'd kept going together, got married, You'd been killed in an accident, And I had to identify you?

I'd look the fool.

You'd be laid out With some other woman's name on your chest.

"I love Goldie."

Now, wouldn't that be awful?

I said I understood. Just let it go.

What if we went to a picnic, You got ants in your shirt, Had to rip it off, And everybody would see your chest?

I wish you did have t.b.

Instead of that damn rotten tattoo.

I'll be damned.

That's the first time I ever seen the sidewinder cry.


She's a sensitive girl.

Everything under control, mr. Morgan?

Better be...

Or I'll know the reason why.

Oh, darling, isn't it wonderful?

No more trouble between you and my brother.

I wish you'd known him Before he started reading That blasted book about Napoleon And sticking his hand in his coat.

Let's dance.

You sure you know about this blasting?

I got all my fingers And don't talk in a high voice.

Let's get at it. I don't like this.

What happens if Swifty Morgan

..finds out what we've done?

Let me worry about Swifty Morgan.

Take us down.

You're not dancing, mr. Smith.

That makes two of us, Colonel.

I should be.

This is a very happy occasion for me.

It is?

Well, is isn't every day You meet a famous gunman like Swifty Morgan.

Could you point him out to me?

There he is right over there.

That's him.

I'm surprised you didn't recognize him By the cold, deadly look in his eye and...

You thought of something funny again, huh?

Matter of fact, I did.

You think it's time you let me in on it?

It is precisely the time.

So that's Swifty Morgan?

In the flesh.

But that gentleman has a beautiful head of hair.

Swifty Morgan is bald as an egg.

An egg?

An egg.

Surely, sir, you jest.

What action do you suppose Swifty would take

..when he encounters that fraud, That cow nurse who is using his famous name?

Well, I'll have to think it over.

You know, I never sent for Swifty Morgan.

Just wrote out telegrams pretending to, Because I knew my fool sister Would tell Barton I'd retained the famous gunman.

But I sent him a telegram today Telling him an imposter was representing himself As Sifty Morgan.

Why aren't you laughing, young man?

Somehow I just can't seem to make it.

My shaft!

Take a week to dig that out.

Maybe longer.

By that time, The real Swifty Morgan will be in Purgatory.

What the hell does that mean?

Tell him what the hell it means, mr. Smith.

Good night, gentlemen.

Good luck.


Well, now, look, mr. Barton, I know what you're thinking, And, uh...

You're right.

There's a train to Denver tomorrow night.

Be on it.

Both of you!

Well, like I said, A man should spread happiness he walks through life.

I think we've been spreading it a little thick.


Tickets, please.


You got a ticket, mister?

In my hat.

Say, aren't you Swifty Morgan?

That's right.

It sure is a pleasure have you aboard, mr. Morgan.

Where you headed?


Hey, you.



Give me a cigar, Charlie.

Light me. Here you go.

Stay out of this.

Light me, Or I'll stomp you.

You going to let that--

I know what you're going to say.

Excuse me.


I'm not reformed quite enough put up with slobs like you.

Bartender, sarsaparilla.

I'm glad you done that.

He told on you!


He what?

He told on you.

He told me them mine owners give you $5,000.

You told me it was just 1,000.

You got a right to be sore.

Ain't sore.


When you come along, I was hungry.

You give me a $100 bill.

I ain't seen one before.

2 Bits.

Well, I haven't got any money.

On me.

Thanks, jug. That's real nice of you.

You fed me when I was hungry.

Let's drink up and get moving.

Where to?

Anywhere, long as it's away from here.

I ain't leaving.

Well, now, Jug, you know full well That the real Swifty Morgan coming to this town.

He's going to put bullet holes both of us no end, Except one of us--me.

I ain't going to be here.

I'll be here.

Why would you be here?

Because if I run, people will think I'm scared.

I'm scared. Ain't you?

Well, yeah, but I ain't going to run.

What do you care what people think If you're not going to be here?

I got my pride.

That won't stop a .45 slug.

You know something?

You're the smartest feller I ever met.

You are a minority.

You aim high.

Saddle-pounding jobs, all that kind of stuff.

They never interested you none.

That's what I'm going to do-- aim high.

I may not have much of a chance with Sifty Morgan, But suppose I down him.

Well, supposing you don't, And the odds are about 1,000 to 1 that you won't.

You'll just end up an unknown character Under a wooden cross on boot hill.

Everybody winds up dead sooner or later.

Us smart ones try to postpone it as long as possible.

My mind's made up.

Jug, I don't want to be responsible For getting you dead.

Now, let's blow this town And live to be a ripe old age, huh?

My mind's made up.

It's my chance to be somebody.

No chance, that's what you got.

Swifty Morgan is greased lightning with a gun.

I been practicing.

Now, you just snap your fingers When you want me to draw.

Aw, come on, Jug.

I'm slow, Jug, But you're the slowest.

Well, I might get in a lucky shot.

I got a feeling you're going on a long trip.

Now, why not go alive?

You don't have to stay. Take off.

Don't you worry.

As soon as that killer hits town, I'm cutting out that back door.

Uh, excuse me, sir.


You going to do something I might take exception to?

Oh, no, sir, not while I'm in my right mind, sir.

I'm the station master here.

All right. So far, so good.

You're the station master here, And you're in your right mind.

I'm also the telegrapher.


So, of course, I know all about the telegram Colonel Ames sent you And the telegram you sent back.

How do you know who I am?

Why, anybody could take one look at you And see there's a man that killed 40 other men In cold blood.

Shows, huh?

Plain as the hair on your--

On a goat.

All right.

I'm Swifty Morgan.

Now what?

That telegram you sent Colonel Ames Saying you was coming here to deal with the imposter.

What about that telegram?

I took it to the Ames' place, But the Colonel's sister miss Abigail grabbed it.

She ripped it open and started yelling, "That filthy rat's coming here."

Meaning me?

Begging your pardon, sir, meaning you, And then she showed it to miss Patience--

That's a girl.

That figures.

And miss Patience started yelling, "That filthy murderer is coming here, "And that boy posing as that filthy murderer Is going to have to get out of town."

So, I suppose this imposter Took off as fast as a horse would carry him.

No, sir.

He didn't? No, sir.

Right now he's down to the Eagle Shooting pool.

Well, now, here's what you do--

You trot on down to the Eagle And tell this--this faker To come out in the street.

You tell him That the real, genuine, 100%, dyed-in-the-wool Swifty Morgan Is waiting for him.

Oh, sir, I'd really rather not get mixed up in this If it's all the same to you.

It is not all the same to me.

He's out in the street! Give me a drink.

Who's out in the street?

Swifty Morgan. The real Swifty Morgan.

He's going to shoot you so full of holes, You're going to look like a strainer.

He's real put out about you taking his name in vain.

Well, now, don't go out there, you idiot.

Let's go out the back door.

It's that time, friend.

Yeah, I guess it is.


There ain't no ladies allowed in here!

I ain't no lady. I'm Patience Barton.

Swifty Morgan's out there.

I know. I was on my way to see him.

He's after him, not you.

I got him into this, I'll get him out.

If you get yourself killed, I'm going to have to marry one of these local crumbs.

Patience, there are some things A man can't ride around.

Then again...

Maybe he can.

I've got to see this.

I've got to see this.

You there in the saloon!

This is Swifty Morgan.

Come on out.

I already am.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I'd aim high. You hit this dynamite, Like as not, you'll blow the whole town up, You along with it.

You trying to make a fool out of me?

No. I'm trying to kill you, mr. Morgan.

You can't gunfight a man sitting on your ass.

As a matter of fact, it doesn't belong to me.

Uh, belongs to Taylor Barton. I stole it.

Like you stole my name.

Sorry about that.

Not as sorry as you're going to be.

Swifty Morgan hits only what Swifty Morgan shoots at.

I'm sorry about that, too.

Anytime you feel lucky, mister.

Fire in the hole!

I shot myself!

Don't let me die with my boots on, mister.

He did it! He did it!

He struck the mother lode!

We're rich!

No, ma'am.

The claim belongs to Taylor Barton.

His mule done it.

Do you hear that, Abigail?

It's my ass!

Mine, too.


He's all right, honey.

Take more than dynamite to kill Latigo Smith.

You said you couldn't ride.

I always said that whorehouse was a gold mine.

Lat, the tattoo-- it's gone.

It's been blown off!

The hell you say!

Oh, now we can get married and have a picnic!


Latigo just put $10,000 on 23.

I'm backing his play!

Spin her.

Well, I'll be damned--23.


Sure is good to have mr. Latigo on board again.

Serve the champagne, Sam, But not till the folks Have time to catch their breath.

Now, the way this story ends, Those two go to Denver to get married.


She never does get to go to miss Hunter's college On the Hudson river, New York, But seven of her daughters do.

Taylor Barton--

He gets his flat fixed and marries miss Abigail, The Colonel goes broke, Swifty Morgan's still trying to get his boots off.

And me, I go on to become a big star In italian westerns.

The end